#worst time ever to realize this about myself btw

[clowningcrows]

hello trans people in my phone. first of all i love you and i'm glad you're alive. second, does anyone know why my gender and body dysphoria may have gotten at Least a million times worse since i accepted my identity as a trans guy and started trying to present in a way that matches how i feel?? bc i would have thought maybe. just maybe. that it would be the opposite but! alas

[kanmom51]

This one is kind of personal and a lot mushy

(And as I'm writing this, a bit of a rant as well)

*Be advised.😅

Been a bit.

Well, I was kind of busy. On one of those 'once in a lifetime' trips you take to celebrate a big one, this one being my 30th wedding anniversary.

And while I was on this trip (and I am sure to share some pics, cause why not, seeing we got some spectacular ones) I got to thinking about Jikook. Because, who doesn't think about Jikook on their 30th anniversary trip, right?

Let's be real for a sec. Who doesn't think about Jikook ALL THE DAMN TIME?

Obsessed much?

Hell yeah!!!😂

Proudly admitting it!!

Look at those two:

Can you seriously blame me?

Nah, but seriously.

I couldn't help but think about who I am, where I've come from, how my partner and myself came to be, our love and respect for each other, how we fought through everything life swings at you and how our love not only survived all of it but seems to have flourished even more. I can honestly say that I love my husband today even more than I did when we got married. It's a different kind of love. A mature love. A love that survived many trials and tribulations. Some you know of when you tie the knot but many more you don't expect.

And thinking of us I couldn't help but think about those two young men and how they met, what brought them together, how they connected, how they have been through so much together, the hardships, the struggles, the amazingly good and the terribly bad, all making their bond even stronger.

There are those that cannot fathom how 2 young beautiful talented men could be in a committed relationship when they have this whole smorgasbord of beautiful people just wanting to lay a hand on them. Everyone wants a piece of them and here they are in a committed relationship with each other? A long term committed relationship? How ever could that be?

When you love someone to the core, which is exactly how those two feel (people can deny it all they want, but it won't change the facts, these two have chosen each other every single time over anything and anyone else), when you get to know that one person and fall deeply in love with them, know their ins and outs, know their flaws and issues, seen them at their best and at their worst. When they are happy or sad, healthy or sick, elated or furious, and find them attractive through and through, still want to be by their side.

No.

Need to be by their side.

Want to be there when they are happy, share their joy, but also be there when they are sad or down and stand by their side to support them through it (even with and despite all those flaws and issues and difficulties that at times can also infuriate you and basically make you want to ring their necks at certain points in time) there is no love (between partners) deeper than that.

I do know, we all should, that what they experienced and how they are living cannot be compared to us regular folk. Their circumstances are such that they have to deal not only with an industry and society that deems them as 'wrong' (that includes a big chunk of their own fandom btw), but also a lifestyle that is nothing like the one we know or have experienced. The hours, the cameras in their faces close to 24/7 (up until their break and hiatus and even prior to that during the pandemic - which btw is one of the reasons people have gone mad at that point given we stopped getting an influx of BTS content for such a long time), growing up and maturing in the limelight, enjoying the fame and exposure at first and then fighting for privacy and 'anonymity' when you realize there is a price to that fame. None of us have experienced that. Yes, we can find the similarities and by extension make conclusions about them, but at the same time we always need to remember that their lives are different than ours and that we cannot always hold them to the same standards of behavior that we are used to in our own lives and relationships.

This is beside the point that every relationship is different. I will just say this. A healthy long term relationship is built on 2 or more (I ain't judging) individuals that stand as their own person and chose to be with the other/s. They don't necessary have to have the exact same interests or likes. What they do need is to love, respect, trust each other and understand that part of that is allowing your significant other to do what they love, even if it means doing it without you. Even if it means doing it with someone else. You all know where I'm getting with this right? Going out with others, travelling with others, drinking with others, spending time with others, choosing to spend time alone without your significant other, none of them diminish from your relationship if indeed it's building blocks are solid. And brace yourselves (well, those that are in long term relationships know this already...), but all of the above actually helps maintain your relationship. Can make it better and stronger.

I've been lurking a little on SM, even while away, only to find that once again, or should I say still (surprise surprise... NOT) there are those that are doubting the bond that these two young men have. It's solos and cultists trying to create an alternative universe in which JK and JM are not close and even distanced (some would love for them to actually hate each other - good luck with that psychos). Or it's once again those insecure 'Jikookers' that seem to need that constant affirmation from a real life queer couple that most certainly will not be giving them that. I keep asking myself why is it that a couple like JM and JK need to constantly prove they are together (all while they actually can't come out and say it due to their circumstances - industry and society they live in), when a heterosexual couple, say Zendaya and Tom, for example, are not expected to? How come a blurry clip (which I still say is fake) released at a very suspicious point in time, together with other obviously edited clips and serious claims of misconduct that are clearly made up and were intended to cause JK harm, have more of an impact on them than years and years of interactions, talk, actions (including just before the clip was released and after it as well)? And now another blurry clip that people are going all crazy over. Like seriously, what is wrong with people? Is the lack of content driven them mad? No drama so we need to create it? Well, thing is that when you are in a healthy committed long term relationship there is not much drama. That's the way it is when you are settled and happy and know who you are and who you love and know that they feel the same about you. Arguments, disagreements, bad days - sure. That's life. But at the end of the day if people want drama they should go watch one on TV.

So, how do I put it to make is as clear as possible?

These insecurities we get from some of the fans, they work like clockwork. Every single time, in the past, when we didn't get much from the two there were these whispers and question marks regarding their relationship. Not even if they are still together, but down to the core of their bond, as to even question if they are close or friends. This phenomenon goes way back.

But since end of 2021 beginning of 2022, when they were on their break and later the hiatus into 2023 it blew up like a full on hydrogen bomb.

This got worse after they were assigned their own 'personal' IG accounts and went on their break.

The misconception by many that these accounts were somehow their private accounts that they use to interact with each other, I can't call it anything other than delusional. Sorry not sorry. And if people did not realize that themselves if only from the lack of posting or interaction with whoever, then we had the members themselves telling us that they regularly interact within their own private chat groups. That photos shared on IG with us have been previously shared with the others in those groups. These IG accounts were created to maintain contact between the members and their fans, knowing that the group is going into hiatus and that they will each be promoting their own individual solo projects. Yes, the group Twitter (X) account could be used for that, but there was an attempt to create a more 'personal' connection between each member and Army. These accounts were work, as simple as that, and them reacting to other members or talking with each other through these accounts was not an indication what so ever to whether they were in touch or not otherwise.

At the time, back in early 2022, when people were reeling over the lack of interaction between the two on their IG accounts I tried to explain that a. not seeing something most definitely does not mean it's not there (something those two made sure to prove time and time again over the past couple of years), and b. that the lack of interaction can actually be an indication to them spending most of their time together, as there is no need to comment on another's post when you are right there to tell them whatever it is you want to tell them to their face. Not to mention, and this part is all me, so take or leave it as you will, but some of said IG posts, well, how do I put it? I guess I just say it as it is... some of these photos posted were either taken by the other or they were right there or really near by when it was taken. There. I said it. In any case, the fact that these were the only two not to interact with each other in front of Army's face, out of the whole group, that, to me, meant they were the ones spending most of the time together.

Oh, and let's just address the whole fanservice stupidity surrounding those two once and for all.

If they were all about fanservice, how is it that since that during the break in 2021-2022 and then during the hiatus and their solo endeavors, we were robbed of said fanservice? Wouldn't you expect that the fanservice couple, the scripted couple, be pushed during each other's promotions? How is it that we have seen during these periods of promotions every single other coupling other than JM and JK. Even JK visiting JM during his rehearsals was heavily edited. How come, if we are being sold a fake bond? No JK being forced to go visit JM when performing at the music shows. No JM being forced to do the same with JK. JM paired with Suga for an add for Busan (? that one was really an odd one for me). When did we see them? So yeah, people can scream fanservice all they want, but deep down inside they know it's a crap claim. I won't even go into JK's lives. There was not one ingenuine bone in his body, and that excitement seeing JM's comments, that coquettish behavior while interacting with him (especially during the bed live, OMG!!!), the reactions to the JM centered content he CHOSE to watch during those lives, none of that is scripted nor acted. It's all JK. All him. And JM's reaction when JK shows up at his documentary viewing live, that little butt wiggle in his chair (reminds me of Bam when happy to see his dad/s, as shown by JK), the face lighting up, the genuine worry on his face talking about JK working hard (during another couple of lives), again, not faked.

So yeah, not fanservice.

I digressed, I think.

Let's get back to 2022 why don't we?

On their break these crazy stories of heartbreak and breakup and hate and suffering and god knows what, only all to be thrown out of the window as soon as we got to see the two together again during the Seoul concerts and then LV. Oh LV. That was a wild ride.

Then BTS went on hiatus and the solo era began. And we were getting less and less ot7 content, and once again the insecurities. These ups and downs (you know, the whole JITB party stories about them not being together - that was countered by the BTB that followed a while after), then Busan concert's high, then 2023's downs and ups and downs and ups and fruck it all, I'm sea sick from this stupidity.

Same exact stories were repeated in 2023!!!

Especially after THE CLIP "which shall not be named" dropped.

SAME EXACT TO THE T STORIES!!!

But again, I digress.

Insecurity regarding the two and their bond (seeing they aren't in the public eye) followed by realization that everything is as it was (if not even better and stronger) once we see them together again. And the reason we don't see them together while on break... wait for it... is because they are a private couple living their everyday life, not for the cameras, not for Army, but for THEMSELVES.

Who would have thought.

And when they are together, as in working together, either filming or shooting or performing, well their bond can't be hidden, as much as they might have to wind it down at times (which is mainly not when they are on stage hyped up on adrenaline, lol), seeing that this is still Kpop, with fandoms that feel ownership over them, not to mention them being a queer couple. You know. All the usual reasons.

This idea people have that these two owe us something. That they constantly have to prove their bond, their connection, their relationship. What utter bull.

Anyway, what a slap in the face (for some a good wake up call, for others a well deserved one) the news of them choosing to enlist together was for so many.

Bottom line is, repeated for the millionth time, that these two young men have shown us time and time again that when push comes to shove they will chose one another!!!

I feel like I'm all over the place here. Came to talk about my trip and ended up talking about fanservice and insecurity and god knows what. I guess it's the jetlag (yeah, let's go with that and blame it on the jetlag).

In any case I will go with my favorite saying as of late:

Why this whole long word vomit, you may ask (or you might not ask, who knows, lol)?

What the hell does this have to do with my trip?

Nothing...?

Probably, lol.

But I am going to try to connect the dots. Even if they did make sense in my mind when I first started writing this post and no longer do...

How about the fact that the two chose to take these trips together?

See how I did that? Connecting the unconnected?

Not even going to ask the egg-chicken question here, as I am quite positive it was always about the trips and the show/content for army was the excuse that allowed them to travel 'for work', and a little bonus of content for army when they are away - not to mention perhaps even an opportunity for a soft outing, who knows.

They wanted to spend this time together before enlistment.

We know of at least 3 trips. Connecticut, Jeju and Japan (the Jeju trip may or may not be part of that 'show').

We are yet to know what exactly this 'show' will be. Will it be an actual show, style BV or ITS? Will it be a Vlog? Will we be getting actual episodes or several minute clips? But one thing for sure. Whatever we get, it will be a drop in a lake of the time they spent together. They went on these trips to be together. They shot this 'show' to allow them to be on these trips. This 'show' will give us a glimpse, no more than that, of what they got up to while together. Bottom line - it's about them, not the show and definitley not us.

So yeah, tripping together (lol, as in traveling, just felt like using that fun word, which can mean so much more as well) is something couples love to do, and going on said trips prior to a huge life changing event (let's be real here, going into the military for 18 months, especially knowing that to be able to enlist TOGETHER, they will be placed in one of the harsher units and environments, knowing that even though they will be together they most certainly will not have the freedoms they enjoy prior to enlistment), well that is something they would do as well.

To sum this whole rant up:

I came here to show off some pics from my trip...

If Jikook are allowed to (and god help them all if we don't get that show eventually...), then so am I...

The scenery...

And the wild life

So there you have it.

I managed to talk about my trip and about Jikook all in one long ranty post.

To those that managed to work their way through it I have this to say:

[dearsnow]

OUT OF TIME (2)

- you’re smacked in the face with a hint of the past and a group of aviators that can’t seem to leave you alone. (bradley “rooster” bradshaw x fem!reader, part of the series “out of touch”)

OUT OF TOUCH: It’s been twenty years since you last saw Bradley Bradshaw, and, suddenly, you realize he’s finally grown up.

word count: 2,002

a/n - i’m on my phoenix wlw bullshit btw, i love her sm 🫶 enjoy this slightly longer chapter, and heed my warnings: something big is coming soon

When they step through the doorway of the quaint cafe, the entire dagger squad sighs. The smell of coffee and baked goods is almost sweet enough to touch, with slightly floral notes from the abundance of small plants and tabletop flowers. The floor beneath them is wood-paneled, with green accents hidden throughout the building. In Rooster’s opinion, it’s straight out of a storybook. And, evidently, so are you.

He would be lying if he said you weren’t anything short of completely gorgeous. The sunlight from your many windows filters over your face and through the gaps between your fingers, casting you in a golden San Diego glow. Your smile reaches your eyes and, though he would love to see you in any outfit, the apron is really working for you. You seem nice— and man, do the daggers really take advantage of “nice”. 

Hangman, from behind him, whispers, “Holy shit.”

You’re standing behind the cash register, thumbing through a decoration catalog when the rowdy group appears in front of you. You direct your warm smile to the daggers as you put the catalog down, and suddenly, Rooster vaguely recognizes you.

Bradley wracks his brain, trying desperately to remember who you are.

You don’t seem like anyone he met at college or recently, and definitely not on base, so you must’ve been from his childhood. The girl who slapped him during his senior year? No, you couldn’t be her. The girl who worked at the corner shop by his house, the girl he made out with in his mom’s car, the girl who found out she was a lesbian after dating him, none of them looked like you. But god, do you look good.

Then it hits him. You. The girl who bought his mom flowers. Who baked him cookies. Who tearfully admitted that you didn’t think he liked you as much as he liked himself, and who he agreed with. You’re here, and he sorely regrets breaking your heart twenty years ago. The worst (or perhaps best) part is that you don’t even seem to recognize him. He’s a little afraid of what would happen if you did.

“Welcome in!” You call, and he can see his friends swooning. He himself feels a little weak in the knees. 

Hangman, ever the flirt, takes his opportunity. “Hey, darlin’. I’m Jake. Come here often?”

Rooster can feel his eyes rolling themselves. It’s like he’s been conditioned to groan at Hangman’s attempts. They’re never good, if he’s being honest. “Gorgeous” this and “darlin’” that. Despite his reservations, though, it usually works. That or his sharp jawline, toned abs, and movie star scruff.

“If you mean here, as in where I work, then yes.” You quip. Jake reaches to shake your hand, and you comply, looking at him like a motorist looks at a poor piece of roadkill; just a little pitying. Rooster has never been more impressed by a woman before.

“Fanboy here has been raving about your croissants, gorgeous.” There it is. Rooster knows Jake’s lines like the back of his hand. “I bet you make the best ones in the city. I wouldn’t mind getting a sample myself.” He drawls. He pulls out his wallet like it’s on fire and quickly drops some cash in your tip jar before offering the rest directly to you.

You hand him a wrapped croissant before gesturing to Fanboy. “Fanboy? Is that a call sign?”

He takes a step forward, a sparkle in his eye. “Yes ma’am.” His cheeks are dusted with a light red, and not even the soft lighting of the cafe can hide it.

Phoenix is standing near the back with Bob, arms crossed, taking in the scene in front of her. Rooster moves to join her as Fanboy takes pride in letting you know everyone’s call sign. “Not joining in on the action?” Rooster says, nudging her with his elbow.

Phoenix shrugs. “She’s a looker for sure, but all I can see is that photo of her and her boyfriend on the wall behind her. I’ll quit while I’m ahead.” She grins. Rooster laughs, and for a split second, your eyes shift to him. They widen a bit, then before he can even process it, you’re helping Payback pick out a cupcake. Damn, your eyes are beautiful.

When he and Phoenix eventually peel the others off of your cafe’s very nice wooden floors, Bradley can’t stop the flutter in his chest.

Bradley comes back the next day. He just can’t help himself. The night of the initial visit, he tossed and turned in his bed, desperately trying not to think of you and how he royally fucked up. He needs closure. He needs to stand in front of you, face-to-face, and confess that he regrets ever hurting you. He knows he’s out of time, and he’s been out of time for years, but he feels that if he can’t speak to you, he might explode. That is, if you even remember who he is.

That’s why he finds himself staring at your pastry shelf as you list off your favorites. “…sometimes the cherry tarts are good, but I mostly like the raspberry scones. They’re way too underrated.” You hover above the glass display, pointing to each one.

“Then I’ll have one raspberry scone, please.” He smiles. As you wrap his choice for him, he hesitates. “Do… do you remember me?”

“From yesterday? I find your group a bit hard to forget, Rooster.” You say. You’re purposely avoiding his question, something that you yourself can see very clearly. You hope it isn’t obvious to him.

Of course you remember him. You remember the smell clinging to his jacket and his stupidly loud boombox. You also remember his gangly limbs and prominent awkwardness. And, as much as you try to forget, you remember how in love you were.

Whenever you saw him, your heart would swell. He was just so good. Everything about him just seemed like a teenage dream.

His hair was scruffy, like he hadn’t learned to take care of it yet. He was tall still, as he always had been. And he was kind.

He offered to walk you to school every morning after your mom told his mom that the dog two houses down from yours would chase you, and you were head over heels. Every word he spoke seemed to draw you closer. During those walks, the world itself seemed to rest in your open palms.

“Hey, wait- don’t go too far, I can’t see you!”

“You’re real smart, did you know that? You’re not like a lot of the other girls.”

“That’s so cool. You should come over and show me sometime.”

You had gotten so caught up in him that you completely forgot he wasn’t the type to settle down, even in high school.

“I just don’t know.” He said, on your second-to-last date. “I like that you’re into me, but I’m young, y’know? I mean, we’re not even legal adults yet. I don’t want to tie myself down too soon. It’s not you, it’s me.” 

You nodded along, but your heart was breaking with every word that came out of his mouth. You wanted him so badly it made your throat ache. You had written poems about this guy, and he was feeding you cliche break up lines to get away from you. “I get it.” You murmured. You did, in some sense. High school relationships aren’t built to last. At the time, you wished they were. “You just want ‘casual’. And I know I’m not casual.”

This conversation kicked you right in the insecurities. For a long, long time, you believed you weren’t loveable because of it. You were too much, loved too much, gave too much. You felt too much. You scared everyone away with your tears and worries, latching on so tightly anyone in your grip felt like they were suffocating. It closed you off for a good, long while. In truth, Derick was the only reason you ever came out of that self-loathing way of thinking.

Bradley smiled like he didn’t just kick you in the feelings. “Right. Thanks for understanding,” and he spoke your name without a hint of longing. “You’ll find a nice guy someday. I just don’t think it’ll ever be me.”

Then, things exploded when you caught him flirting with Rebecca right before your last date, and you never looked back.

You hand him the scone with a tight smile. 

“No,” he says, “do you remember me from high school? Bradley Bradshaw, at your service.” 

You pause, as if you’re just taking him in for the first time. He supposes that he does look really different, with the mustache and hair and filled-out body. He wouldn’t blame you if you just didn’t want to recognize him, though.

“Oh.” Is all you say. An awkward pause fills the air, stifling the rest of the words in your throat. If you’re being honest, you would’ve rather he just stayed away instead of infiltrating one of the places you feel safest. You suppose you can’t actually be that mad at him, though, considering it’s been two decades since he hurt you. Bradley quickly fills the silence.

“I know, and I’m sorry. I was a dick back then. I regret it deeply, if that’s any consolation.” 

You hand him his scone. “You were a dick. But I lived.” Your tone still has a touch of humor. Bradley can feel his heart doing loop-de-loops. He shouldn’t be thinking about you like this, not now, not when you have a boyfriend and have so clearly moved on from him, but the feelings that drew him to you in the first place are sprinting back at full force.

He did like you. He liked your jokes, how you always put your full effort in, and your kindness, even when he didn’t deserve it. He just wasn’t ready for anything so undoubtedly good at the time. He needed to get smacked in the face with the lessons that life taught him. If he hadn’t gotten those lessons, if he had taken your hand and your offer of a real relationship, he would be happier. But you wouldn’t be. That’s what he had learned after all these years, and now, he’s desperate to prove that life changed him. You were never too much for him, he just wasn’t enough for you.

“Yeah, clearly. I’m happy you’re doing well now.” He gestures to the scone as a show of proof, quirking his eyebrow. You smile.

“I’m happy you seem to be doing well too. Come back anytime, Bradley.”

Seeing him still hurts. You don’t have the right to be sad, you think, but finding out that you moved miles and miles away just to end up in front of him makes you feel like your life has been one big unhappy circle. Despite everything, you’re glad he’s made a life for himself. He definitely seems more mature now, which the San Diego ladies must love.

He pays you, then slides a twenty and a piece of paper in your tip jar with sparkling eyes. He licks his lips quickly, like his mouth has suddenly gone dry. His stance is just a little less confident than it was a few seconds ago. “I put my number in there. Call me if you need a friend, yeah? No funny business, but it’s tough being in a new place, so I’ll be here if you feel up for it.”

Looking around at your sparsely furnished and no-employee cafe, you don’t wonder how he knew you just moved here. You just thank him with a tight smile and pretend not to notice how nice he looks from the back.

You unfold the piece of paper, fully intending to throw it away, before sighing and tucking it into your apron pocket. You doubt you’ll ever need a friend in Bradley Bradshaw, but things tend to change in the blink of an eye.

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Taglist: @m1dnightsnackz @itsarabellebabes @shanimallina87 @sadgirlgiselle

[redzie02]

okay so I have an idea for an angsty Hongjoong fic. (poorly written) feel free to use this and if u do, tag me!! So I can support and reblog and give u a lil kiss on the forehead<3 add smut to it or not idc as long as he’s on his knees and begging for forgiveness,,, i was half asleep when I wrote this btw masterlist

Hear me out. For the past month, Hongjoong has been drowning himself in work. Work seems to be the only thing he cares about, he’s rarely ever home. And he definitely hasn’t made any time for you:(. It doesn’t help that you’ve maybe had the worst month of your life and no one to talk to about it. Your mental health has been spiraling and it’s only gotten worse since Hongjoong’s lack of attention in the relationship.

I guess one day you’ve finally had enough and blow up on him or decide to give him the silent treatment all day. I mean, it works, Hongjoong FINALLY notices something might be wrong after 3 whole weeks.

When you guys get home after dinner with the group, he asks, “what’s wrong?” You don’t reply, completely ignoring him and heading straight to the bathroom to shower. He follows you, a little frustrated and confused, and he watches as you undress and step into the shower acting as if he wasn’t there.

Hongjoong watches in silence, dread and anxiety growing in him. While scrubbing your body, you don’t realize Hongjoong undressed, preparing to get into the shower with you. He was determined to get you to talk.

The sound of the shower door sliding open startles you a bit but you roll your eyes when you see Hongjoong step in. You’re tired. You’ve been tired for weeks so your voice comes out monotonous and low, “Please get out, Hongjoong. I don’t want to yell at you.” Your back facing him.

You take a few more deep breaths, his hands still on your shoulders. He tilts his head to get a better look at your face. Your eyes are closed, squeezed shut actually. He tilts your head up with his fingers, this is the most intimate you guys have been in a while, you realize. The realization only makes your stomach hurt. “Please, please talk to me.”

You’re defiant, you don’t look in his eyes. If this wasn’t as serious as it was, he’d say you were acting like a brat and fix your brattish ways.

You slowly open your eyes, looking at his face but not exactly making eye contact. “You haven’t done anything, Hongjoong. That’s the problem.” He really is an idiot because his brows furrow like he has no clue what you’re talking about. You let out a frustrated sigh and continue. “When was the last time we were this close, hm? Or had an actual conversation? You’re never home and I never know what you’re doing.”

“I-“

“Do you know how embarrassing it is to pretend I know about whatever is going on with you when Seonghwa or San talk about it? To find out about your upcoming projects from your friends, but not you? How is it that I hear more from them than the actual person I live with? Hm? Do you even know what’s been going on in my life? No, you haven’t even cared to ask, Hongjoong.”

Hongjoong stood with his lips parted, processing everything. Guilt clawed at him because he knew you were right. He’d been ignoring the love of his life because he prioritized his career over you. Something he never thought he’d do. He’d been ignoring his own health as well, meals left unfinished and surviving on just a few hours of sleep a night. He had lost weight, the bags under his eyes were darker than ever, not that he noticed.

Of course you worried about him, that’s all you ever do, but he never stuck around long enough to address your concerns.

He blinked, putting a hand on your cheek. “I-baby, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I didn’t realize-“

“No, I’m not accepting your apology until you actually show me. I don’t just want words.” He nods and opens his mouth to speak, but you interrupt him, wanting to get everything out in the open in fear of not getting the chance to do so in the future. You sigh. “I-I feel like I haven’t been myself lately and I wish I had you here to talk to. You always make me feel better but I don’t know…I don’t know if something’s changed or if it’s me…if you want something or someone else-“

“No, no y/n. I’m sorry- about everything. I’ve been so wrapped up in work that I haven’t been taking care of you the way I should. I’m sorry that I made you feel as if I didn’t want you. I promise, I love you with everything that I am and everything that I have. I know it’s my fault and I hate that I made you feel anything less than loved. Things will change- I will be better and I swear on it, okay?”

You nod. “You haven’t been taking care of yourself either, Joong.”

And um I guess you wash each other up, taking your time, then head back to the bedroom. You lay down and stare at each other, caressing each other. You guys catch up. Hongjoong tells you every little detail about stuff he’s been working on and you tell him about all the stress from work you’ve been through and your deteriorating mental health :). Of course he shows you with his actions just how sorry he is- in more ways than one. Maybe this is where one would insert smut.

But yeah, this post is rough, if anyone would like to use this as inspo or expand on it and make it better, feel free to and tag me ;)!!

[imaginative-123]

The Yaoi Community is so ignorant to the issues other gay men faced from toxic yaoi fangirls

Warning: Minors do not retweet, interact or like my posts if I found out you're a minor you might get blocked.

Btw I'm not using f*joshi bec I found out it's a misogynistic term so I'll use Yaoi fangirls although the people using that term when it comes to criticism for Yaoi Fangirls may not realized it's a sexist term and I used that word before and not realizing it was sexist, just bec you may not seen a yaoi fangirl assaulting gay men for not having sex that doesn't excuse blind ignorance of sexual harassment gay men faced from yaoi fangirls. Also I'm not ignoring if there are other queer women who experienced being assaulted by men and I've seen other women who have issues with men in how they seen lesbians and I think they deserved better, also I used to consumed real life gay porn from websites in the past not until I found out recently that there are few stories of gay guys who tell their horrifying stories from the sex industry that includes a gay sex worker who was abused from his work and disliked Hazbin Hotel's depiction of SA and his thoughts on Poison, it just pisses me off that the Yaoi community will be ignorant to bad behaviors the community has been criticized for years by gay men who have valid criticisms so that they can defend themselves of using terms like Misogyny or the classic "You just hate women that can't enjoy BL!" When there's problematic behaviors in the community that's been a problem.

Yes the women who did this to him is Sexual Harassment, it's gross.

For the last comment there are guys I've seen who were also hated for fetishization, there are people having heated discussions on that from what I've seen.

Also this is the worst one bec this is really disgusting, an asian man was being helped by a man on his chest bec I believe this is related to injury from the Olympics and guess what the toxic yaoi fangirls make art and sexualized him. This is Online Sexual Harassment, this is distasteful to be honest, poor guy he deserved better.

This comment definitely surprised me

Hello?! Just bec there are certain men who did bad things to women that doesn't mean other women can do bad things to men, can we acknowledge that Sexual Harassments on both genders is bad?

This is all I have to post, I'm a Yaoi fangirl for all these years ever since I started as a teen, I used to have sh#tty views on men in the past during my Yaoi and Proshipper phase back then but as of growing up I'm starting to try and be open about the real issues in real life and I'm trying my best to be open and understanding as possible, and btw I'm no longer a Proshipper and I'm still a Yaoi fangirl but as someone who is part of the community, I can't just ignore the issues and normalization of bad behaviours and sexism of the community which is unfortunate it gives the Yaoi fangirls who don't participate in bad behaviours a bad name and it's sad bec there are times I feel ashamed of being a Yaoi fangirl, and what I'm hoping is that the Yaoi Community should call out bad behaviours instead of trying to act like being innocent all the time and did nothing wrong but also try to blame Misogyny as a defense card when people criticize their bad behaviors. Also Toxic Yaoi fangirls who participate in bad behaviours can be Misandrists themselves towards straight and gay men. Yes Misandry exists, stop trying to tell me it doesn't exist it's like saying Misogyny can't exist, Sexism in both genders can exist in Society.

The reason I brought up Hazbin Hotel bec I'm going to make a second post about Viv's sexist views on gay men since I've made a post on Helluva Boss and that second post on Hazbin will take time since I have college workload to do in Thesis and Foreign Language and Visual Effects. So if you're interested reading my analysis and criticisms of Viv's work here's the link.

[gentil-minou]

The teen wangxian version of lwj playing inquiry after wwx's death would be lwj texting the number wwx used to use before he deactivated everything. He does this every couple months, with a Hi or How are you or I miss you.

The stranger who uses that number now doesn't want to break the poor boys heart and tell him so they just ignore it.

Wwx isn't dead btw he dropped out of his ivy league after some really bad mental health to live a nomadic lifestyle out of his old beat up van Chenqing, but during that time he'd purposely pushed everyone away

Eventually after 13 months when wwx decides he's ready to go back online and come out of hiding he manages to get his old number back!

Except he keeps getting these messages for a number he doesn't know and he thinks 'wow I wonder what it's like to be loved by someone like this'

(There was a time where he used to know that number by heart

There was a time when a text from that number was the first thing he'd see in the morning and the last message he'd send that night

There was a time when he never would have thought he could forget that number…)

5 months after he's gotten his number back and moved in with the Wens, slowly becoming himself again, the mystery number starts leaving voicemails

They don't say anything, just some faint breathing on the line, like wind whistling by. Soothing, in a way wwx can't figure out why

WQ says he should delete them and block the number. WN says he should politely message the person and let them know they have the wrong number.

Wwx does neither.

His inbox slowly fills with them, and on his worst nights when he feels like hes going to lose it again, when he feels like hes back on that ledge looking over calculating the force from the impact, he'll listen those breaths as he slowly falls asleep

Years pass and the world goes on.

Wwx gets back in touch with his siblings. Their meetings are tense and won't ever be the same as it was…before. But for now, it's enough.

He's working nights at a bar and going to art school during the day. Therapy every week.

It's strange how much he likes school now that he gets to learn the things that interest him. There's a lot he misses from his old life, and a lot he doesn't.

He keeps every message and voice-mail he gets, but he never replies. He can't explain why.

On the side, he helps out the Wens with recovering from their own tragedy.

Years ago there'd been an accident where they'd lost their cousins. At the time, they'd thought that included their nephew. That they'd lost him too.

When Wen Qing finally gets a hold of the report, they learn they didn't.

It's takes some not so legal finagling, but what else is wwx going to use his coding skills for?

The Wens learn their cousins son was injured but alive. That he'd been adopted while he was still recovering in the hospital.

The number the hospital has on file is eerily familiar.

There's no time to think any more about it. The Wens are in hyperdrive, trying to figure out how to contact this person. Hoping they might see their nephew, finally.

WQ says she was able to call the number and talk to the adoptive father about meeting up.

Wwx goes to bed feeling happy and good and like he can still do some things right. He falls asleep with a smile on his face.

He wakes up at 5am the next morning to a text, and he realizes why that number was so familiar.

The text, from a-yuan's adoptive dad, what are the chances, reads:

"I have always lived my life to be true and do what is right, but I find myself afraid. What if I have done something terrible? What would you say?"

His heart beating a hole in his chest, wwx finally texts back.

(threadfic here)

[sualne]

Listen as someone who has been obsessed with vampires like my entire life (but not in a ooh there sexy way its like the symbolism man of what vampires can mean) i am a huge fan of your op vanpire au.

I know you just made a post with lore (amazing art btw) but is there anything else about the au you want to talk about. Id love to hear everything

there's a lot of things i want to talk about the au!! im going to use the frantic energy from the year to get myself some bravery and say some of it is inspired by my own experiences with hallucinations and delusion (dont ask about it pls), with the au i want to explore what it would be like having the person who changed you being very literally stuck with you.

i love stories where characters end up sharing a mind and/or body, i also really dont like when its just good person vs bad person, nuance is a lot more fun lol. the relationship luffy and mingo will be forced into stuck as they are is something important to me. mingo is an awful monster but since he can feel everything luffy does he ends up trying to teach him how to live as a vampire, how to take care of himself. im also very found of the concept of parasite (they're literally the worst thing ever and so fucking scary, so naturally they keep coming up in my stories).

it's also about luffy's body and mind failing him, because of the mindlink he has a hard time knowing where he is, sometimes who he is, what is relationships were supposed to be with others, it gets complicated for him! how hard it is to go through one's daily life when your sense are all messed up! (mingo also struggles with that a bit, but this isn't about him, even thought it's new for him too he get used to it much more easily for plot convenience).

other's ppl reaction to the situation also, i feel, completely unconsciously was also incidentally inspired by my own fear of being seen as a monster or dangerous, something to be put down or locked away!

there's also a few jokes in that lore post that reflects this here:

bugs are a pretty common brand of hallucination, be they crawling in the corner of your sight or inside you, making you feel like a walking hives, this was a funny reference to that!

"surprisingly he doesn't start biting people or become violent." this is my not very subtle "mentally ill and neurodivergent folks aren't inherently dangerous pls stop killing us". the occasional euphoria from bloodthist is vaguely inspired by some manic episode, the happy kind.

there's more, about the way this is about trauma and feeling alienated, i guess this is also a "character realize they've got a disorder/develop one and now has to live with it" kind of story.

[jovrien]

Yo yo so I went over my drafts and found a post I’ve written last April but idk why I didn’t post this.

⚠️⚠️⚠️ yapping alert! It’s all nonsense. I’m just posting this for my future self lol

••••••••••••••••••

Something bothers me and the Holy Spirit is pestering me to write this shit on tumblr for my peace of mind so here goes.. (Oh btw this post is nonsense and quite lengthy but I just wanna shit it outta my mind so I could finally let go of whatever this is. And oh I’m kinda drunk lol)

But first lemme confess something lol I have a crush on the guy on this photo. I took a screenshot of this pic last March 26, I stare at it every morning and damn I still feel the same to this day lol am I.. am I.. still okay? 🤭

Damn this bro is too fine I wanna look exactly like him on my next edition reincarnation 🙂‍↕️

Moving on..

So I’m just new to this whole Astrology shit and as a Capricorn Sun/Virgo Rising, I can say it’s pretty accurate how they described me as having a straight nose, good forehead, and a person who is neat freak lmaooo 😆 crazy 🤭 so yeah I never really gave a flying fuck about Astrology because I thought it was a bit ‘girly’ or something only girls do, but it all changed when last December 30, 2023, I saw a Tiktok about the Cardinal Signs (Aries, Cancer, Libra and Capricorn) finally ending their 16-year struggle since 2008. I mean, the last 16 years truly made me realize a lot of shit, and I lost A LOT. The last one taken away from me was my dog (Gisele Heart Particles Nougat Shamcey Chamyto Chimmy 2010-2023). So yeah, it was quite a relief knowing that the cycle is coming to an end and that the next 20 years is gonna be rosy for the Cardinal Signs. But there’s one more boss fight before Pluto finally leaves us Cardinal Signs for good as it’s going to retrograde back for a just a few months (September-November) and then GONE FOREVER.

Btw, astrologers are saying that the Fixed Signs are gonna go through shit in the next 20 years, but please don’t be afraid if you’re a Fixed Sign (especially if you’re a nice person).

So yeah, I found myself crotch-deep into astrology and found out that my ruling planet is Saturn 🪐 and that meant instant karma in both directions. And this is what bothers me because it means I have to be a good guy all the time! I mean, I’m actually a good guy because I’m kind to animals and the needy, and my secret Spotify Progressive House playlist is just 💯 👌🏼 sorry I digress lol

What bothers me is that they are saying that I shouldn’t do bad things because karma would bite me in the ass. And I have been losing sleep because of that. You see, I’m addicted to doing bad things (no, not the criminal bad things fyi. I’m a very lawful person). The things I do are too extreme that it causes panic in heaven 😝 jk

Okay while writing this post I found this comment on a Tiktok vid that made all my worries disappear

Bing Bong! Amazing how the Universe answers my questions right away. 😈 Now that I don’t have to worry about guilt (On so MANY occasions I made people do the unthinkable. I fucked my friend’s partner during a threesome) So yeah.. now that the fear of being karma’d is out of the way, lemme tell you (yeah you sleuthing relative who haunts my blog!) the best thing about being a Capricorn ruled by Saturn - we are divinely protected by Karma. It’s like having a Doberman on a night walk around the block.

I have thought of the times when people were mean and really really bad to me even if I only showed them kindness so Imma list the karma they got. (btw I’m gonna have to change some details about them so it isn’t too obvi who they are)

1. This person humiliated me in front of people (worst thing that was ever done to me), then two days later bammmm the most devastating thing happened to his wife and kids which left him in extreme pain and distress for a few months.

2. This woman hated me for no reason, talked shit about me, then a few days later she was diagnosed with cancer.

3. An evil person who did me super dirty was humiliated on a national level lmao imagine being in the news for the wrong things you did.

4. I was never bullied when I was a kid, but there was this classmate in grade school (24 years ago) who was so jealous of my Nokia 3210. She intentionally sat on my backpack, broke the screen, and even though I was fuming, I didn’t hit her ultra wide face with my hand. A few days later I heard from a classmate that she was going through shit at home because her mom found out that her dad was having an affair lmao 🤣 I stalked her IG just now and found out she’s battling with extreme obesity. Oh nooo karma is a cat purring on my lap cherryt 😝

I could go on writing (20 or more) about how people who did me wrong got bitten by karma but that would make me seem immature, childish and vindictive so imma just end this nonsense here. Ciao 🍻

[yeah-thats-probably-it]

I love seeing all the aro joy posts on my dash! 💚🤍🩶🖤 *waves her little aro flag*

I’m glad someone is enjoying them and I'm not just being annoying! It’s been a slightly disorienting past few days with an epiphany of this magnitude just happening so suddenly, but entirely in a positive way.

This is hands down my fastest turnaround from suspecting I might be something to wholeheartedly embracing that thing. I’ve had many a realization about myself in my day, and typically there’s an angst period where I have to contend with What Does This Mean For My Life, but this time I can’t hear any of that over the rush of a relief so intense it almost took me out at the knees, and the only thing I can think is “thank god, thank god, thank god.”

You have to understand (this ask got me on a self-reflective train of thought, sorry), my entire adult life has had this tinge of panic that I didn’t have enough relationship experience and this urgently needed to be fixed. Accepted wisdom seems to be that building a successful relationship usually requires both a lot of trial-and-error and a lot of prior experience, and all three of my past relationships combined add up to less than a year (this was a sign btw), so I thought that if I didn’t start finding people I was willing to date (and vice versa) soon, at some unknown time in the future I would reach the point where it’s “too late” to find a long-term romantic partner (which would be the worst thing ever). It was horrible, it made me feel sick.

It actually might not be entirely accurate to say I had an immediate turnaround between suspecting I was aro and completely accepting it. It depends on how you look at it. For quite some time I’d been saying that yeah, sure, I’m probably on the aro spectrum somewhere. Maybe I’m demi or grayromantic, I can admit that (what I thought were) crushes are an incredibly rare occurrence for me. I think I found those identities less threatening because what I thought they meant was that I was still destined/obligated to end up in a romantic relationship, it would just take longer to find a partner (I know that ISN’T what they mean, but there’s no accounting for irrational anxiety). The grip of amatonormativity was so strong that deep down I really believed my life couldn’t be complete without a romantic partner, no matter how much I would have protested to the contrary.

But then I joined the J&W fandom, which is so heavily aro and/or ace, and I don’t know. Maybe seeing so many people in one place who are contented to not be in romantic relationships shook something loose in the back of my mind. So now when the idea that I might be 100% completely aro hit me, I was prepared to entertain it. Plus being in such a friendly, cozy fandom like this has made me feel like I have friends and a community for the first time in a while, and that’s helped soothe a lot of the loneliness I used to think I needed a romantic relationship to fix. A little part of my mind started saying “but if you’re in a relationship, you will have less time to analyze media with pals,” which was an extremely compelling argument, and it was getting louder and louder.

I didn’t realize how much tension I was holding in my body over this. This anxiety was such a heavy thing, but it was so settled and deeply rooted that it felt like it belonged there, and I can’t believe it’s gone, just like that, in a day. It must’ve been barely a week ago that, with feelings of the deepest loathing and resentment, I was thinking that I would probably have to open the dating apps again. I thought those feelings were just anxiety about meeting new people and impatience with the whole dating process, and now I understand that I had habitually been choking down overwhelming distress and dread toward the idea of performing romance and now just like flipping a switch I don’t have to do that anymore??? Do you PROMISE? I could cry, and I have.

Anyway, this is to say that you guys really helped, so thank you. And thanks to everyone who replied to my original questioning post about this, I really appreciated your thoughts.

[shyticklee02]

kinda just had a moment where I thought about my first tickle session ever and it was actually like, probably the worst experience. I was 19 at the time so I didn't know any better and didn't know what to do to defend myself.

I was tied down pretty tightly where I was almost immobile, which now I think was uncomfortable for me but I never said anything. some spots he tickled me and it felt fine but the moment he was getting my sides, ribs, and hips, it was over, and not in a good way. I was bruised in those areas and I did let him know. I can't remember if he apologized or not, but I do remember him being like "well you could've said something," but I 100% recall saying here and there "go light go light," indicating that it was starting to hurt more, but he didn't care. Also, he never asked throughout the session if he was going too hard or not, AND HE KNEW I WAS NERVOUS ABOUT THE SESSION.

another thing he did that I didn't like was when he'd tell me "say that I'm the tickle master and I'll release you." to be very honest, I HATE when I'm forced to do something like that. I'm not the type to call my partner daddy or something, so this is already bleh. Mind you, I was 19, and he's close to or in his 30s!

there was then a moment where he worshipped my feet, which I don't care for too much. Since I was trying to let him do his thing, my eyes went to the tv, but he saw that I looked elsewhere and he told me "you should be looking at this instead," indicating that I should be watching him worship my feet.

Now, here comes the best part. he had the videos ready and whatnot within a few months. I did not realize that I had to PAY FOR MY OWN VIDEOS. I asked him if I really had to pay for them, and he responded with something like "well this is how I make money." I was so shocked when my 19 year old self had to pay for these, and tbh, it wasn't like a low price, at least for me. at one point he was telling me along the lines of "I guess I could give you one video for free." Like wdym you guess????

Btw, this first session, some small clips are posted on my page. these were the parts where I actually felt the tickling sensation and wasn't uncomfortable.

Anyways, thank you for reading my rant <3

and I don't plan on working with him anymore (this session was back in the beginning of 2022)

[babyfairy]

hello…life updates lol

i saw the little mermaid with my mom and my niece (we went on my mom’s birthday 💌) and i loved it??!? i think halle was the perfect choice for ariel!! i was so enchanted by her mannerisms the entire film. she’s got such an otherworldly beauty so paired with her voice she REALLY looks and feels like a disney princess…loved her so much. no comment on awkwafina’s unfortunate addition to the film

we’re restarting one of our long running dnd campaigns and i’m pretty sad about it ❤️‍🩹 it’s the best choice because the setting was made by our DM a long time ago and she wants a reset because she’s improved her narration/lore/etc since its creation but it’s still sad and hard to let go. i’m really excited to relive some of my favorite moments with some new twists and i have a deeper understanding of my character now so i think i’ll only end up loving her more as i replay her. dnd with my friends is truly one of my favorite hobbies and it’s so important to me! there have been so many changes throughout the years i’ve played but i’m so glad to still be playing despite it because it’s very fun and therapeutic lol

i got a raise at work 🫨 not that it makes much of a difference LMFAO but i was seriously considering leaving my job before my raise so it’s nice to be making a little more money. the cost of living in washington is so insane that i feel really unsure of my future lol but it’s seriously my dream to own my own house. just a little one story house that i can call my own. i know it seems like a small dream lol but it’s literally my number one motivation and i’m always daydreaming about how i’d decorate my own home inside and out!!

i finally bought tears of the kingdom and i’ve been obsessed with it!!! not surprised because i loved breath of the wild lol. i love link so much he’s such a cool protagonist. always wanted to be like him when i was a kid LMAOO either him or sheik! i would say i’m more like a deku scrub…💀 like look at this fella…

like….???!!!! THATS ME…the lil angry face. love these guys. anyways i love the game LMAO i hit about 50 hours and realized i should maybe try tackling my first dungeon 💀 it’s just so much fun to run around and collect ingredients and koroks…plus i have a little pack of zelda amiibo cards so every day i hop on and scan them all so i can open treasure chests as a little treat…love it!!! i can’t wait to see king sidon again btw. that’s the light of my life

ever since my OCD diagnosis i’ve been avoiding my therapist (L) and struggling to really understand why but i think it’s because i feel guilty about being diagnosed LMAO…i have like this weird fixation on unknowingly manipulating/lying to others and my brain keeps trying to convince me i manipulated her into a diagnosis. i don’t feel like i have “real” OCD if that makes sense. and i feel this weird sense of guilt about making light of it or like taking resources from people with real, severe OCD. it’s frustrating because i know that’s definitely a symptom of OCD but i also feel like none of my symptoms are legitimate and they’re just delusions. it’s incessant. which like logically is that probably just a symptom of the OCD? yeah but i also am having trouble admitting that to myself for some reason lol. at least not without guilt or shame attached and i really try to avoid feeling that way if i can. anyways it’s a real pain in the ass and i finally sucked it up and made an appointment for tomorrow so i can try to talk through some of this with her

i’m up and down a lot, it’s been the worst year of my life i think lol but somehow i’m still chugging along 💀 every day i put the rainbow clown wig back on and march thru my day despite it all though so it’s whatever i guess. definitely going thru my saturn return and ngl so far it sucks and i definitely hate it but you know! my 20s have been Not Great so maybe my 30s will be better for it. hope everyone is doing well and staying safe. let me know what you’re up to in my inbox if you want! i always like when people message me their life updates lol. it’s sweet when people think of me as someone they want to update ❣️

[didnt-hear-cold-as-you-live]

so I haven't really found the words to talk about this yet but I'm finally starting to, so here goes -

I'm finding myself with a very minimal, fringe sort of scattered friends in this town. at best I don't fit in with, nor do I have the desire to fit in with, really, any of the travelers or backpackers or working holiday visa people who inhabit this place (btw; anon who warned me not to go here.... 'bogan' isn't what I'd call it but your read on the vibe was right); at worst I'm finding myself on the borderline of being straight up bullied the way I was in high school - no one outright saying mean things to my face, but that very high school esque cocktail of snarky and condescending side comments, people always going off to talk without me, laughing, and stopping laughing immediately once they're back near me, being rude enough to know it's rude but just the right balance where if I say something about it I'm the one who looks weird. how isolating that is and how it pushes you down and down and down and down inside your head. I think as an adult, once you grow up and find yourself out in the world, and get to choose the people you're around, you forget what that was like. Working in the music industry specifically and knowing only one soul in real life with a "regular" job (hi Jo), I've completely forget what that's like. In the spirit of "emotional maturity", I've probably found a way to tell myself it's all kid shit and I made it seem worse than it all was, etc, and maybe it's just people being people.

Maybe that's true.

Specifically, though, the thing I've found myself being harassed over, the main tension point, is my music taste. I've been put into this twilight zone of a reality where everyone around me straight up hates Taylor Swift (in the year 2023 I genuinely didn't think that existed more than a few fringe rondo's, but apparently all those fringe rondo's live in this town), and the ones who don't say "fuck this bitch" out loud every time her music comes on, are, at their warmest, completely indifferent to the fact that she's even alive. I haven't met one person here who would even say they enjoy 1989 or whatever. I work around 20-25 y/o's mostly, and yet I put on Lorde and Maisie and Sabrina and Backseat Lovers and The 1975 and all the pop stuff I'm aware myself and that age group really like (with a bunch of famous Aussie artists thrown in), and I'm asked if we can stop with all the "weird music" and "play things everyone knows and likes" - another twilight zone thing because I had no fucking idea every girl ever wasn't on this type of pop. I put on classic throwback Fall Out Boy and All Time Low and Paramore or even Halsey's hit songs and I'm asked why everything I listen to is "so depressing". I get fully HARASSED about my music taste by the people I work with every single day. like, multiple times an hour snide comments about "weird people music" and shit like that when I really thought my taste was pretty mainstream. then they all put on either like, the most generic of generic Top 40 radio that I didn't even realize people willingly put on; just thought big labels decided it was gonna be successful so shoved it onto commercials and radio and a bunch of Spotify playlists until they gave up, OR music that I literally would need to be borderline overdosing on cocaine to enjoy - I'm talking blasting dubstep club beats and the like... at 5:30am in a coffee shop. And I haven’t said a word to them about it or been mean about it at all, and I try really hard to be polite to them but it just doesn’t matter how nice I am; they feast on me like a pack of hungry lions anyway. I moved here to be outside, and people only ever want to go to the club. Even people I get along with want to go to the damn club every other night at the least, and I’m weird for not wanting to be anywhere near something other than a bar we can have some drinks and laughs - I didn’t even know people still went to clubs, especially not vagabond travelers in an eco tourism hotspot.

And suddenly I am my high school self all over again; feeling completely fucking normal but not falling in, not able to make myself fit no matter how hard I try. I talk to people and people laugh at what I say when we have to make conversation, because, well. I'm fucking likable and I can chat up anybody. and then, for no real reason, 20 minutes later they remember they're supposed to be bullying me and go back to it. just like how it was for me in high school, where I won the “most talkative” superlative and yet when I walked on stage to graduate half the class shouted at me that I was “scum” (lol).

So anyway. That's all to say, I photographed full-band live music last night for the first time in 3 months. And suddenly, doing that, too, I was back in high school. Living in a normal world that everyone else is at and is aware of, but in my own secret pocket of it I've carved out: a pocket where I fit. where I'm still a loser by the standards of everyone around me, but a loser who is doing something objectively cool and objectively impressive, something I thrive at that no one can talk shit about because I'm GOOD. someone I knew but have nothing in common with came up to me last night and said, “I got that you took pictures but then I saw you on stage and was like OHHHH”. and I might not belong anywhere else, might not get along with anyone else, but the second a camera is in my hand and I'm crawling behind a drum kit and jumping off a stage an artist is playing a show on, and the band who I’m acquainted with is smiling at me and they love it, and everyone sees me doing it... I belong there, and I know I belong there, and no naysayer can do or say a word about it... that's what it's all about. like the loser theater kid who comes alive on a stage in front of people when they perform and no one can argue with it anymore. I remembered why I do what I do last night. How I found it (or maybe how it found me) suddenly makes sense all over again; not some poorly made impulsive choice by a girl who was too influenced by wanting to be around the boy bands she liked, committed too hard and got stuck - which is how I've seen it in adult hindsight. live music is the faction of the world that I am just the perfect puzzle piece for. somehow the most niche thing in the world - and it does seem niche once again when surrounded by people like this - is my only solid ground in this life. I am my truest self when I am running around with a camera while someone's singing; a self that anyone can see and immediately will get it. and that's just how it is.

[endcant]

bear with me bc i am drinking THC lemonade

whenever my “people shocked by me being interested in consumer aesthetics counter” ticks up by 1, i know that i have failed to express myself on the internet. i am obsessed with commercial ephemera. it’s not that i like it… it’s something deeper. something… worse? better? something more embarrassing, at least.

the only time i’ve ever done psychedelics my profound realization was that i really, really enjoyed going to target. i like the lights. i am always commenting on the products and whether i think they are on trend or off trend for what i understand the target demographic to be. i love nothing more than to watch someone pick up an object, briefly imagine their life with that object in it, and then either put it in their basket or put it back on the shelf. even moreso when i’m watching a friend shop. even moreso when we can only window shop and that friend starts explaining to me what they would do with the thing if they had the money to buy it.

i studied american pop music history in college and i continue to study the history of bubblegum pop in my free time. i want to eventually write up a video or a series or something about the extended international history of teenybopper bubblegum pop. i am trying to learn music industry jargon old and new in my target languages in an attempt to gain access to information about these things that i can’t access in english alone.

i read early 2010s posts about how minimalism was the only morally righteous visual style with rapt fascination. i had a vaporwave phase exactly one decade ago. my friends in high school would bring me arizona green teas because they knew i would find it aesthetic. my advanced painting teacher hated it because i kept painting pale minimalist watercolor pieces that looked like 90s waiting room wall decor. my dream at the time was moving to santa fe and becoming a fine artist.

i was a proto-cottagecore blogger before cottagecore was named. i have well over 100 blogs, considering i hit 96 at some point during my previously mentioned decade-ago vaporwave phase. i do not bother to count anymore

as a young child, i used to go to the store almost daily with my parents and look for unfamiliar packs of gum so i could assess their packaging, flavor, and concept. i *really* cared about this. i got into this because i was given free packs of 5 gum and orange mountain dew at the halo 3 midnight release.

i learned HTML from neopets and i used to code gaiaonline themes and put them up on tektek. they sucked really bad btw.

i spent around 2 decades looking for the source of a single image of an anime river angel i saw on quizilla because she meant so much to me as a child about the power of what mere images could be only to find last year that the artist now draws hentai on pixiv and their art quality is now quite rushed. i think about this regularly when i think about creators i have idolized, and i don’t know what it means to me, but it feels like valuable information.

last night i couldnt sleep because i kept wanting to get on my phone to look at ancient greek vases on jstor

the worst part is i feel that the way that seeing ONLY consuming-or-not-consuming as the primary way to interact with the world is a serious mental roadblock for people in capitalist society. i think that consumer identity is a tool often used to warp the minds of citizens. i think that if i could go back in time and strangle edward bernays i would. i think that it is meaningful that american society has generated dozens of terms for “someone who is stealing or misusing a cultural signifier, or otherwise engaging with a culture or subculture under false pretenses/without doing due diligence/without participating in proper cultural exchange” over just the past couple centuries and that seeing and acknowledging the cycle is essential for anyone working in the arts

ive spent the past couple years reading up on historical art movements since industrialization to see how other art workers have dealt with their jobs being mechanized away, and ive decided to choose to value myself as a human animal who gets to experience the process of making things with my human animal body.

i am compelled to play piano when i drink red wine and i feel that i’m a fundamentally superficial being in function, but i can be more in purpose. like a poster. like a mask. like someone screaming so hard on stage that you believe them. that you look behind you to see what they are screaming at. i think in symbols and colors front and center, with verbal background chatter like an ever-tuning radio, and i am frustrated when people don’t understand that i am speaking my mind when i show them what i’ve made.

i care about aesthetics a lot. consumer and otherwise. it just so happens that i live in a capitalist society wherein the market attributes value to certain aesthetic information, which generates conversation about what certain images mean, what gives them value, what detracts from their value, what they are responding to, what responses they require in turn. but anywhere, anytime that there is a conversation about aesthetics, i want to be there.

i have always loved to perceive and to make, since the earliest stories anyone has to tell about baby cave. if i lost everything that makes me who and what i am right now, i believe i would still care about aesthetics. if there is anything left for even a cell of my body to experience, it would want to experience it beautifully and enjoy it deliciously.

happy 420

[dabihawksluvr]

Aizawa Is A Bad Teacher

[ NOTE: The questions I screenshot are from another account, I just couldn't find a way to get them all into one post without it being messy. So this is just me answering each one, to give my own perspective. ]

I think it's because Shinsou is a LOT like him, but yeah it's still very shitty for him to do. He should've been the class 1B teacher instead.

This is why I never really liked Aizawa, he reminds me of my abusers way too much and I didn't like how strict/careless he truly is.

I hope that, if he did ever have a kid, it would be the biggest wakeup call of his life. And we do see him treat Eri fairly, but that could be because of her quirk and how she's literally only 4/5 years old. Kinda can't treat a kid the same way he treats his students without being seen as a villain.

From what I've seen, that was supposed to be the case. But Shouta feels like a lesser version of Batman, at least the latter actually cared about his Robins (depends on the canon but majority of Batmans do). With Aizawa, we do not need that same care unless it's with Shinsou.

I think it was even canon that Aizawa just hates All Might for being 'too forgiving' on his enemies. But I've also never seen him favor Endeavor either, I think he just hates people in general.

All Might is a decent teacher, at least he considers everyone's thoughts/feelings and dynamics with one another. Aizawa has not once done that, unless it deals with the troublemakers (Bakugou and Izuku) or that one time when Ochako blamed herself for that one time (though I bet it was just his own trauma and being like 'hey I understand this so let me go fix a mistake I made with myself years ago' kind of thing). The ONLY good point Aizawa has is when he says 'live for the students' to All Might when it was clear the old man had given up on living. But that is ONE point, out of so many others where Aizawa fucked up.

YES. Aizawa is a liar, if he believes these are all a 'logical ruse' then he is really fucked up in the head. I am glad that he made some (very minimal) progress when it was found out that Oboro was Kurogiri, I think the guy just has a ton of trauma he needs to work through and that was the first step. I do think how he is now is better than before, at least now he seems to actually care about his students and he realizes he fucked up badly. Just wish it was before he got his leg and eye taken away, essentially making his quirk trash.

Ugh, having Aizawa as a teacher would be the worst. I did get along with teachers that were like All Might and the rest, but Aizawa would be my 13th reason for finally dropping out. Especially if it was young/teen me? Yeah, he'd be on for 2nd degree murder with my suicidal ass.

THIS. I understand they are training to be heroes, and in this specific circumstance it worked. But ONLY because they were all going to war, which btw Aizawa didn't even stop from happening at all (he did have a heel-face turn during the 1st war which was nice to see as we saw him start to care for his students but it was ONLY thanks to Deku saying losing him would be the worst thing ever). Maybe it's because he held himself to that same standard, so he thinks all future heroes should be the same...but he is damn lucky none of them became a villain, though that was because Deku brought them all together simply by being himself. Aizawa was NOT needed, aside from his quirk he was essentially useless as a person. An maybe he knew that, it wasn't until Deku that he saw some value in living on (which is why he cut off his leg - normally he wouldn't have done that).

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

tl;dr - Aizawa is a bad teacher. He is too strict with his teachings, makes assumptions that he rarely ever changes, outright LIES to his own students, puts his students in danger all the time, and cares more about a student from 1B (Shinsou) more than teaching his own class. But, we have to keep in mind that the man was traumatized by losing his friend Oboro (and then Midnight...and now possibly Mic) so he probably feels like his life isn't even worth it. And it wasn't him that wanted to be a teacher, it was actually Oboro. So he only took the job to fulfill his (dead) friend's dream, and it makes it clear why Aizawa is such a bad teacher. He didn't even want this, but feels obligated to regardless of what he truly wants. And yes, he did finally realize he cares for his students...but only when he finally lost the ability to use his quirk, meaning he has to rely on others now instead of just himself.

[rukafais]

Ruka, I just wanna express my condolences for the Drizzt fandom being such a pain on here. Made me realize that I got lucky just finding the books randomly in a store and picking em up because they looked cool. Absolutely 0 background info or interaction with the fandom, just purely immersing myself in the series for weeks and sharing some highlights with friends. Hope the haters leave you alone and you can just keep enjoying the series for what it is.

Honestly that was close to my experience once I finally got to reading them and not just absorbing What People Knew About Them, I tore through all the books without looking them up at all or stepping into the fandom even a little bit haha, which means I got to get through them all without watching people dump on them near-constantly like Drizzt is the worst series ever made.

It's part of why I love them so much, because when I finally got to sit down and read the damn things my opinion completely reversed, that's how hard they won me over. The books are full of love for their characters, their setting, and are respectful of the reader's time, and I do love them for that.

Which, uh, was a double nasty surprise when I went to look for cute fanart and found a tag filled with weird circlejerking about how much everybody hates Drizzt and the author (what is with the weird fucking ad hominem btw, like you can't just say you don't like the writing style, the author is also responsible for everything wrong with drow and dnd).

Like I hadn't already absorbed a shit ton of jokes by osmosis about how Drizzt is a mopey bitch who's so sad and tragic and brooding and also found out that was...a total fucking lie actually, so it wasn't a great atmosphere to run into and did not endear me to a lot of the community here :/ It's improved massively of course, but the fact that intensely negative people have been running the show for as long as this site has existed is fucking dumb actually.

ALSO PEOPLE KEPT LEAVING SHITTY COMMENTS ON MY CUTE FANART POSTS IN THE TAGS WHICH WAS REALLY ANNOYING ACTUALLY I DIDNT LIKE THAT VERY MUCH. I ENJOY THAT PEOPLE ENJOYED MY EARLY FANART BUT I DID NOT ENJOY PEOPLE LEAVING DISPARAGING COMMENTS ABOUT HOW BOOKS I HADNT READ SUCKED.

But honestly it's fine. I can handle a few weird comments even if they annoy the hell out of me (and are often demonstratably completely wrong, like cmon if you're going to be an asshole at least be correct about the stuff you like), I don't like it when people leave weird comments on the stuff of people who are just starting or clearly enjoying the books because it's so out of pocket but all I can do is write or draw to counteract that effect and clean up the tag a little.

I feel worse for the people who have loved this series from childhood honestly. There's so much negativity surrounding Drizzt and I can't imagine how exhausting that must be to never have a place to talk about a series that means a lot to you because the general accepted opinion is that you hate it, the series sucks, and everyone is in some sort of bizarre love-hate orbit because The Author Loves Me Not and His Characters Are Wasted On Him, He's A Hack.

So yeah, hope you continue to enjoy yourself with it too anon :)b

[doctorguilty]

Cartoons rant

Wondering when we'll find out who the main writers are for f&c s2 because I desperately want that one person off responsible for all the worst episodes including the fuckshit with degenerating betty into like a meek subjugated woman and being like simon is a bad person because of autism also here's half of the climax screen time wasted on simon being guilt tripped and then apologizing for being autistic. I still can't tolerate looking in the tags for that show because the fans who did not watch any og AT or at least past s5 have no concept of how bad all that was and never stop posting think pieces about how "petrigrof shippers" are in denial when like. That isn't a "ship" that is literally an enormous plot point in the entire body of AT lore you CAN'T separate it without taking away meaningful things about almost like every other beloved character, why is it considered cringe to like, think a story about tragic romance is meaningful, how is "their relationship had problems all along" a better conclusion to the entire thing that like, almost destroyed the entire world in the AT finale, and then saved it, and betty did all that btw ??? Sorry I'm not over it like what's next, in s2 pb and marceline break up because they realize they're not gay after all and never were, like that's the level of stupid the whole way simon and betty were handled

AND on a personal level it just sucks so bad to have this whole incredible story that revolves around a suicidally depressed man grappling with the responsibility of other lives being connected to him and goes on this like journey showing that every alternate world where he doesn't exist is significantly worse off and his like difficult acceptance of his own worth grows alongside his new friend's acceptance of the worth of her own world and how selfish it was of her to not only want to take it from her loved ones but allow a new friend she quickly came to love throw himself away for her, witnessing how magic is a destructive force across universes and even when she had it, it came at the cost of someone else's destruction (and that someone else being the same person trying to destroy himself again!!), cause it was so like wow this is such a powerful story about the value of the life you're give and no matter how worthless you think your life is the impact you have is greater than you could ever imagine, and that's why you need to live and cherish what you have. Only for it to climax at like. A weird drag about selfishness in rationships like wha????????? And like blaming Simon for being cursed like as though it was a choice he made like if he was just less selfish (autistic) none of that would have happened but that's literally nowhere in the lore like huh??????? I never bring myself to rewatch any of the episodes after Jerry cause it's just too frustrating and that's where it takes a nosedive