#without them making me feel like im dying
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A needlessly thorough review of DATV so I can move on with my life:
WHAT I LIKED:
The story pacing flows better without all that open world slog from DAI I am not bombarded by 50 side quests that have no baring on anything other than rp flavor
The game is pretty, CC is nice
They gave you far more opportunities to flesh out your Rook's background than in DAI and da2 but it's not as fun has having a mini origin story from DAO
no fall damage and if u run out of a combat zone ur companions follow u too
Hossberg wetlands really remind me of dragon age awakenings and I like the way the blight looks there, it gave me a nice nostalgic feeling for the older games
WHAT I DID NOT LIKE (IN DETAIL)
Voice Acting & Dialogue
It is really hard to be invested in a game that feels the need to recap everything you just experienced from 5 minutes ago, (verging on insulting my intelligence) and the silliest part is while i do hate this I got so checked out after act 2 I needed the recap
A lot of the dialogue and banter is just empty small talk and meaningless pleasantries that sucked the life out of me, had me longing for the days of hearing Ohgren's beer belches reverberate off the walls in the deep roads:
Voice acting is really consistent, I hated it when you never knew how your inquisitor would sound in DAI sometimes too serious for a funny comment or like yelling at Cassandra and cullen over nothing - Rook is more consistent but it comes at a loss of personality every line is uttered in the same annoying tone that had me being like damn can he stfu already (da2 was ideal voice acting for me if they cant deliver that again just go back to a voiceless protagonist)
Me whenever my rook opened his mouth: i was getting violent on that skip button
The dialogue between rook and their companions holds it back from being enjoyable at all really- here's some examples:
Emmerich's personal quest in act 2: "I want to do this immortality rite it's a very high honor in my order but rook I might die in the process permanently, I am an orphan and afraid of dying" Rook: "You could die?!?! That's awful". In Origins you can have a conversation with Wynn about her inevitable death and respond in a manner similar to rook and Wynn teases you by saying "well i'm not going to live for ever dear" it made me smile and sad about not being able to really help her. Did not feel that way Emmerich though, Im so uninterested in him as a character my response and feelings are "old people die all the time" and then 'wait why the fuck haven't you done this immortality ritual yet instead dragging me over here to collect some flowers"
Companions & Romance
the flirt options aren't all that flirty, its just rook being nice, all the romance content seems behind a 'romance locked in' moment (that comes in so late in the game u already forgot who u were even flirting with at times) so you can't hop ur way from one bed to another before deciding on 'the forever one' (remember when I could ride the iron bull then break up and be with Cullen- I don't think that’s an option here)
The companions are all pretty forgettable, I did everyone's personal quest (with the exception of Taash tried to kill a dragon for them n failed so bad i just moved on) and forgot there was even an approval system with them or that I was supposed to pick choices for them. It felt like i was on a train going in one direction where it did not matter what I said or did to them they would be fine. It’s like I've lost and gained nothing by doing these quests. The deepest thing I learned about Emmerich is that he is a 50 yr old orphan scared of dying. And it makes me not care all that much about them beyond “I just need you to function enough to get me to the end of the game sure Taash embrace being Rivaini, yes Harding live peacefully w that Titan shit inside you idc… Lucanis..ahh what was ur issue again I forget”
I made Lucanis live peacefully with Spite (stuck as an abomination that's supposed to be as volatile as Anders & Justice) Let Emmerich become a lich and no one batted an eye. Everyone just heehee haw hawing over Emmerich's new skeleton form and I forget about spite a lot unless he comments on something i've killed. Was there supposed to be some moral quandary? to make Emmerich a lich I had to "kill off" Manfred... the walking skeleton who might as well have been a rock with a pair of googly eyes attached to him for all i care
I don’t want to help Bellara light funeral pyres in a puzzle game play style that isnt a deep message about death. I want Aveline's speech about reading her favorite book to her dying father after hawke lost thier mother.
For Neve's romance, it took the whole world falling part and everyone dying for her to kiss me for a 2 time and then pity fuck me and afterword she’s like I’m leaving don’t want to be too distracting. All these lines carry no weight like bad actors w no chemistry
jaw on the floor comparing this (first time I said "i love you" to neve)
to the first time I said it to cullen and how he treats u before the big battle
I get that she isn't lovey dovey but at 70 hrs in and 2 kisses it feels like she just dont love me </3
Combat - as a spellblade mage*
combat was this weird mix of sometimes fun sometimes a new and unique form of human torture (wydm press shift 4 times n hold down e then press V C and 2 IM ON A KEYBOARD!) Once u make it past level 20 u are immortal but ur enemies are sponges I dreaded every single dragon fight despite that being my favorite thing to do in DAI. Don't ever want to see another Ogre in my life they body me into corners that hitting space can't save me from.
At some point u just gotta run around the place a lot hoping ur companions can do the damage for you bc the mobs aren’t interested in them at all. i was spamming 2 n slamming on that E key hopping it would be over n done with already, If i wanted to play a flashy monster hunter game, well then id play tw3 at least that combat is fun.
Lore & Story building
At the end of Trespasser, I was under the impression that the conflict in DATV would revolve around solas amassing an army of elves all over Thedas to rebel against the Evanuris. He had a whole network of Spies working against the Inquisition and the Antaam, and planned to restore the elven people, upend their religious views, and try to tear down the veil as a way of atonement. So I was understanding of there only being 3 import choices ( 1- who you romanced, 2- Save or redeem Solas 3- Disband or Keep inquisition). But that's not the story we get; instead its this??
The veil jumpers are like engineering mages with no ties to Solas beyond being an elves. There is no religious struggle they just seem to accept that these Gods have always been evil and need to be stopped. Solas is just a one man army trapped in the fade off screen for like 70% of the game. Should I have just kept the inquisition around after all? The only mention I got was my disbanded inquisition choice was inky going "my name still carries weight in southern thedas" and it seemed like disbanding or keeping it would have an affect on how easy or hard it would be to stop Solas but no it really doesn't at all
“It doesn’t feel like a Dragon Age game”
A criticism I rarely take seriously because that can mean so many different things? Like what is it the atmosphere? The aesthetics? The “dArK fAnTasy” none of these things have ever stayed consistent in any dragon age game. And I’d say DA franchise lost its teeth/edge when dai rolled around it was pretty light in the world of dark fantasy
However…theyre kinda right this time around....
It doesn’t feel like a dragon age game because they removed a lot of the lore your were exposed to in the previous games to the point where this might as well be another game all together. (i am not even a lore nerd but i do need something there to feel like i am in a dragon age game)
Yes the city is named Minrathos you were are told of its cultural significance and history as the seat of the empire but looks like a shittier version of kirkwall (and I kept getting lost going around the map so I hated it even more for wasting my time) Honestly the city felt super high tech and out of place in a fantasy setting imo, I missed it when everyone lived in a wooden hovel in the middle of the woods.
There is no reason for the venatori to follow Elgarnan and ghilian'nan or for the Qunari either but it all gets hand waved away with "they offered us power"
Reading the Inquisitors letters made me feel like im in a spinoff game and the real story is happening somewhere else. And sad to like baby take me with you!! i want to save u from this nightmare
A lot of the factions are sanitized to the point of being boring Darvin's little 'we're warden we don't do blood magic that's just not right" baby I let the wardens sacrifice elves to Corphyeus 3 weeks ago :/
Qunari Culture
So the whole reason you were fighting the Antaam in DAI was because they believed you were in cahoots with Solas, who's whole plan to them is to sow chaos and disorder- that is a HUGE no no in the Qun so they see it as their sacred duty to stop you. The Qunari we meet in DATV mindless npc mooks who attack you not because your with Solas but because the Evil elven gos promised them uhh power n shit for stopping you. Like I know I did not just waste my time in DAI reading about how egalitarian the Qun is everyone is like a Hive, they depend on each other so selfishness is rooted out so wtf was going on in Treviso with these guys. A whole culture decimated down to being darkspawn mobs part 2
What made me never want to play another DA game ever again:
Everything you ever did in Orlais, Ferelden, Kirkwall is pointless. No matter what the last letter from the Inquistor is "yeah the blight reached the south Denerim is gone, ferelden is blighted beyond repair, we took back Skyhold but barely. The Venatori disposed of whoever you put in charge of Orlais and there's giant leviathans rising out the sea in Ostwick" There is no conclusion to this it's just the state of the world now
I cant even pretend my non solas romanced Inky is happy and safe after all this? My hof and Alistar might as well be dead for all that it ever mattered. I get that the devs wanted a clean slate but did they have to burn my house down and salt the fields? It feels so spiteful and mean, like they wanted to make a whole separate game and tack on the "dragon age" title to it for money. If they're not interested in the lore or world building why should I? it made me fully checked out of the rest of the story. Like damn idgaf about elgar'nan and the other one give me back Redcliff
TLDR I dont know if i should be sad that I still care about this or glad its over either way im blocking all datv tags n moving on
#datv#datv critical#dragon age veilguard#da posting#if it were up to me! it be easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for this game to win GOTY#im doing this so i dont become annoying to the ppl that follow me and DO like the game <3 we can move past this
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what are your thoughts on nde for either eddie or buck in 8x08? me personally, im thinking buck is gonna get the nde, and i think he’s gonna be shot. tim recreating s4/5 when he originally wanted to do buddie, but what im thinking, is buck realizes his feelings for eddie but doesn’t want to/doesn’t know if he should tell him, then he gets shot and it’s all dramatic and eddie is there and freaking out, trying to save him and keep him alive (aka why they’re pushing medic eddie so much this season) and buck realizes this might be his last chance so he just goes for it anyway and while he’s bleeding out he tells eddie he loves him😭 i know this is probably not what’s gonna happen but lol i just enjoy theories and i always love to hear what you think!
adding onto this, i ALSO saw around twitter the theory that buck would get a nde, but he gets hit by a car or just in a car accident in general, and eddie is there and it parallels shannon’s death (obviously buck doesn’t die but you get the memo😆)
Hi, darling! Okay, I don't mean to shit on anyone's specs, but I think either of them getting shot again would be so uninspired. The show is slowly reintroducing new ways to pull the triggers they put down for buddie because they need to address the stuff that happened to them somehow, but a direct mirrored parallel to the shooting wouldn't work as well as everyone seems to think it would. Partially because I think that forcing Buck to confess because he (or Eddie) is dying is yet another way to take away Buck's agency and further attach Buck to the idea he's only worthy of love when someone bleeds. But also because putting one of them in the position to be doing the saving again won't really further their storyline. Eddie watched Buck in a nde twice, the bombing and the lightning, and Buck watched Eddie in a nde twice, the well and the shooting, and I think they need a combined trigger, aka a combined nde.
I am attached to my drown Buck theory, have them off duty, crash the car, end up trapped and the car filling with water, but I also think that the trapped dads theory also works a lot here, especially if you put them both in the situation while off duty, aka without gear or backup, and you can play with a lot of elements of every nde before that and create a catalyst for them to talk and figure themselves out. I also think everyone is getting ahead of themselves, I don't think they are in the place to get that catalyst yet, and 2 episodes are not enough to get them there when we are talking about an ensemble show. I feel like people are expecting a direct callback because we got a well callback and are getting a lightning callback, but while buddie was front and center during the well callback, they actually used it to further Chim at first. It works to get the audience thinking about different aspects of their past, which in turn makes it so that when they talk about it, it will be in our minds, but it doesn't explicitly address the implications with buddie. I think the lightning callback will be a lot about reminding Buck of whatever it was that he was supposed to learn with it the first time around that they never truly explored due to the network switch and Natalia not coming back. I also think that confronting the situation where Buck almost died and possibly watching a freshly heartbroken Buck be impulsive can push Eddie to look at some stuff that would push him into action to figure himself out.
Especially if @stagefoureddiediaz ends up right and the lightning callback ends up being a truck bombing callback too since the well callback is also a subtle callback to the kids on the cliff call in 304 and could be played into different directions when it comes to what comes out from it moving forward. Buddie has a lot to talk about, but they need a reason to think about the stuff they need to talk about on their own before getting to a point where they can actually have those conversations. I think they rely too much on how well they understand each other that they fail to consider the way they can't actually read each other's minds, and figuring that part out is important before pushing them to the catalyst. And please don't get me wrong, I'm like, 90% sure that the catalyst will be another nde, I just don't think it's gonna happen until 8b.
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Im really frustrated bc i want to get so jacked, nd i was working out the last few months with 0 progress and the more i worked out the more i struggled :( and i KNOWWWWWW its bc of my POTS but like DANGGGG i just wanna get jacked bro what the heck
#.txt#im medicated nd it helps with exercising however i rly hate yhe gym so much nd theres not many machines i can use#without them making me feel like im dying#might just stick to cardio and yoga or smth#i rly dislike the gym tho like i actually hate it sm it fills me w despair#but i go w my friends nd i love my friends but my god is the gym the worst place ever#it stinks bruh#it reaks#everyone there is so nice tho but my god do they stink#nd a lot of the men will b doing the most for bo reason#u do not need to be yelling ne screaming bro chill out#also i hate it when they drop weights bc the sound is so loud#also i hate it when im using a machine nd someone wants it but they dont ask when ill be done they just circle me#like a hawk stalking their prey#sry im complaining so much im pmsing nd full of despair rn lol
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#agatha#agatha all along#can you tell that im so so soooooo bitter about the finale#like i get that some people loved it#good for you#i dont and i'm dying on this hill#yall have every right to be happy about it and talk about how happy you are about it!! but pls keep to your lane#i spent two hours going through the agatha all along tag and there were a handful of people going#the finale wasnt that bad look at the bright side you should be happy about how it ended#bitch. dont tell me how i should enjoy my media#why did she see the darkhold in the cradle and why that reaction?#'is the how nicky died' i dont understand how that prompted her to take such a huge risk#also??? why does rio wanna see agatha die so badly??#and when she did die where was rio? all that build up and fighting without any conclusion to it??#rio just disappeared no conclusion no confrontation not even a word before she kissed Rio and gave her what she wanted which is her death#the build up was really good but the pay off really fell flat and felt rush and agatha ended up feeling like shes sidelined in her own show#even when she had tons of screen time! it just fell flat like agatha deserves better she deserved change and growth and development#she deserved confrontation and facing her feelings not all this continued avoidance and shifting focus onto Billy#she's done too much to have this half assed conclusion to her arc that was built to set up someone elses story like the direction it went#was so gross like every other character had really well written and developed story arcs and conclusions and hers was just???? deflated???#im not even asking for a full on backstory about their relationship bc the show isnt about agatha x rio lmao#them having a happy ending doesnt make narrative sense. what im asking is simply tie up the threads they sewed into the narrative
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me when i write a character who is prone to dooming themself and then they run off and doom themself. core traits are stubbornness and a willingness to disregard their own humanity gET BACK HERE IM NOT DONE WITH YOU
#rambling#surprisingly this is not about jakob.. im just really consistent about my favorite character archetypes 😭😭#WARNING THE NOTES ON THIS ARE REALLY LONG I STARTED RAMBLING#“ouhh i have a headache i'll just lie down and rotate my blorbos in no general direction for a while until it goes away” and then boom.#serious plot considerations. 2 questions answered 24million new questions raised. this is specifically Not what i asked for.#so now im sitting here STILL dizzy running mental calculations on how i can get this bitch out of peril without reworking everything#but they literally keep dying in every timeline 😭😭 every single plausible road leads to them running off and screwing themself over#“character who doesn't realize they want to live until it's way too late to look back” VS#“character who is forced to live and handle the things they never though they'd survive long enough to deal with” FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT.#fucking hell i have never had this much trouble writing a character as i have with them#they genuinely do just run off and do shit without my permission and then i have to pace for an hour or two wondering#“ok they wOULD do that. but should they. do i feel like i can confidently write that.”#im like constantly in this tug of war trying to get them to CHILL#but also they are absolutely my favorite character from the entire project. but like. FUCK GET BACK HERE#is death the most satisfying end to this arc? is someone who was Set on dying then NOT dying the most satisfying end to the arc?#how many bridges can you burn until you irreparably set yourself aflame too?#would ghost or revival plotline work?? would it make sense with the worldbuilding??#do i just Like Them enough to want them to not die?? where do i draw the line between personal bias and a good arc?#is death not feeling as impactful as survival solely because i've been writing for so long that it's lost the initial impact?#and other such plot considerations...#im gonna have such an easy time writing another character though 😭😭 because THAT character's dynamic in the second act#is to stare at character 1 and be like “why are you like this. i mean i know Why but can you chill. please.” and like damn bro me too#actually wait no i think kaey.a is the hardest character i've ever written i take it back#had to worry about his 20million facades AND his Actual feelings AND canon compliance. shit is hard#i still havent finished the k/aeya fic i started back when the chasm first released which is uhh. two years ago. oops.#i think i struggle writing emotionally repressed liars i think thats what this is 😭😭 anyways.#(voice of guy who has been obsessed with nonlinear narratives and tragedies for several years):#“is it too much to kill this character in a nonlinear exploration game with tragic elements”#like bitch what are you talking about 😭😭 YOU'RE the target audience here figure it out#sorry the notes on this are just my writing journal now apparently
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i've also realized that there is no therapy that can fix what's broken inside of me
#therapy wont give me a place to belong. a person to call my home.#therapy where i sit and talk about how all i want is to love and be loved and i'll never feel whole without it wont solve anything#guess i just need to study and get an education for a job that i think i could be capable of#and then distract myself with books and shows and nature#the problem is that loneliness permeates my every cell and my every moment and being#im losing interest in humanity and society#literature is barely even interesting to me anymore bc i feel so fkn far away from humanity#and what makes u human.. that i cant connect with any of what i try to consume#i just... dont care. music doesnt even do anything for me anymore#i feel so numb in one way#but also i often feel like im panicking. how is this possible? how did i end up here?#im like actually fading away from this earth and it sometimes feels like#it wont even matter if i do#what is trying to take ahold of me and stop me from fading....?#idec anymore. even if i do get a job and an apartment i'll still be empty bc all i want is. smth i can never have? is that really how it is#i dont even require that much#that is what is so .. terrible almost#i just want one connection that is special to us both. smth close smth deep smth that i can pour everything into#i look around and almost everyone have more than one person even by them.... what did i do wrong?#i must've done smth very very wrong from the start to even end up here#it doesnt matter. i fade and i fade and i fade... i think i will keep doing so#because no matter how much other ppl - ppl who themselves have love and closeness in their lives. who have friends and partners and family.#no matter how much they parrot empty lines of 'learn how to be alone!!' 'life can be whole and fulfilled even alone' ..#i dont want that. i really dont. deep in my soul i do not want that#so their words are completely... condescending even. yes i CAN do all of that. i mean fuck#i am surviving feeling alone more than most of them are since they have ppl around them lmao#but i just dont want it. i am a person meant for a deep connection... i dont even need it with multiple people#without that i feel like i am dying and nothing else matters#besides i know it's possible bc i have felt that with a person at this time of my life#so i know that it's not smth distant or unachievable... it does exist and i want it bc it's the only thing that made me
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I hate panic attacks
#rant#which is to say i hate the whirlwind of specifically bad times in my life that brought them on and kept them#i hate that they trigger when i feel strong Anything#ive been trying to Dissassociate less and feel more. because feeling stuff does HELP me notice whats helping or hurting me#but like. i WISH it was about feeling joy and pleasure and excitement. maybe ill feel those eventually#but right now Any strong emotion is still ridiculously close to triggering panic attacks#im still terrified to go watch a play. because i LOVE plays and the last times ive gone for the past decade#ive had awful panic attacks because my brain clicked Love them with Intense Feeling into Panic dont breathe chest hurts Hate Urself#turns out my brain didnt just attach the trigger to fear of loud noises or fear of asking for#trigger from self hating thiught loops#it alsp clicked the trigger into: particularly notiveable romantic feelings of any kind (lile someome? have a panic attack! thatll keep u#physically incapable of getting near them! like plays! lets have you unable to breathe sobbimg hysterical so ur terrified to be trapped in#the audiience for hours! fucking hate hate hate it)#neurofeedback and emdr certainly lowered the panic attack rate per day or week to a Lesser per month situation#but im still lucky if i get thru a pa without illogivally trying to Fix it the irrational way i did when young which is hit myself#in the illogical hope if im injured enough ill be able to think again (which doesnt work its dangerous and makes the panic attack last#longer a pa just does Not let u think rationally untol its over u CANNOT try and fix it while in it and dping that makes it much worse)#if i get thru a pa without a concussion ive done much better than usual :/ i dont want any more#im so tired man. i want to go see a play!#i dont want to Try and then end up hyperventilating and crying with my brain imsisting i Need To be Dead for 2 hours#im the parking lot because it triggers when i park. or worse it triggers when i drive and i have to pull over and im trapped x place for#hours. either way i miss the play i wanted to fucking see!#i hate how panic attacks feel like a trap. not even a trap i can fight. its my own limitation. goddamn ive been fatigued ive been dying#in a hospital a few times. panic attacks feel worse to me. at least dying i can do something (eventually) to stop#altho i guess dying for hours in hospital until i got helped was similar. but ill hopefully only go thru that 1-2 more times in life#and i had like 5 panic attacks during that hospital visit since a heart rate so high like 200 cant calm down anyway
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feeling it a little tonight
#:<#itd be so nice pleaseee#houghhhhhhhguhg theyre sosilly theyre such sily guys#like no we dont't need more animals in our house. so they say. but i WANT more#but also (and this is very dumb ik) if they actually get a cat then when i live on campus it'll like.#grow close to everybody without me :((#i don't want this cat to exclude me from the family grouppuhhhh#it's not gonna happen until one of our dogs in particular carks it which is too too scary to think about#you can't make me so like. yeah. but i wanna cat sooooo BADDDD#we dont have to wait we could just. train izzy not to eat them (<- aware that that is very dubious at best)#guhhhhhhhhh moping moping sulk sulk sulk#my family's talked a little about getting a maine coon if it doesn't set off my mom's allergies bc she also wants a cat#but i'd have to wait for probably a year after my elderly dogs die (mourning period) AND THATS TOO LONGGG#that's too long if it starts TOMORROW and i don't exactly want my dogs to die any time soon y'know#hrnghhhhguyhhhhhghh but i wanna cat so baddddd#it's all rascal's fault that little goober. waufhhh i miss him#thyre so silly theyre so sillyyyy. bawling howling throwing just the lamest saddest tantrum rn (<- looks like this :| atm)#like my dogs dying would actually destroy me im not joking at all but it would be easier if there was a cat there#i get the mourning period tradition but it makes everything feel so much emptier#i feel like it exaggerates the worst parts of the grieving process. but thats just me ig
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I think the nature of Clara haterism on Tumblr can’t be fully understood without the historical context of 2013. Namely that by the time of DW season 7b Moffat was widely hailed as The Bogeyman Of All Misogyny Ever. Clara was considered THE prototypical Shallow Moffat Girl, and she became a sort of figurehead for everything wrong with the show. (Bc everyone was maybe 14 and Smith was too beloved to insult.) Consequently, she evokes a kneejerk bad faith reading response in many users even today.
yeah, alright, i can see that. i am surprised that, at least as far as i’ve seen, amy & river don’t get the same treatment? or if they did, it hasn’t persisted half as long as opinions on clara have. Because having now seen how all three of them were written, amy got treated. so much worse with The Misogyny™️, and River bounces between ‘actually a fascinating character’ and ‘moffat wrote a sexy girlboss who wants to fuck the doctor’ so hard it gives me whiplash. (and i say this as a River enjoyer, I love her and she deserves so much better lmao.)
Of the three of them, I think Clara actually comes out a lot better written overall? She’s allowed more space to be a character rather than be a woman, if that makes sense. Sure, bit of a rocky start in s7, and I can certainly see why the Impossible Girl thing could be aggravating to some people. (I think it was. Fine. fantastic episode conceptually that sort of fell apart when it came to actually doing anything.) but Clara in s8 (and the start of s9) is fantastic. Her relationship with Danny and the Doctor is messy and deceptive and so understandable. “Listen” as an episode almost felt like ‘hey what if the clara putting herself in the doctor’s past was actually interesting and impacted him’. Her becoming more like the Doctor, especially after losing Danny, both as an effort to hold on tight to the only person she perceives as keeping her moving forward and giving her a purpose AND because to her, the Doctor is able to lose so much and not be destroyed by it and she wants that (without really understanding just how much this life is fucking him up, too.), is just. fantastic.
where was i going with this. i have no idea. my point, i think, is: i guess i can see how initial reactions to clara might color a less than flattering picture of the rest of her, but :( consider: i love her so so much and everyone should be niceys to her.
#i was sort of neutral on clara for most of s7 i think#she had great moments but i think a lot of what was holding her back was the same thing holding most of eleven’s seasons back as a whole#which to me was. what the fuck are they doing with that guy. does anyone know. did anyone have a thesis in mind for this man.#which makes it hard to build a companion around him as a foil because what are you foiling.#amy & rory didn’t have this problem as much because they were a set do not separate and thus could play off each other as well#(river. is another story.)#and because 11’s relationship with the ponds was maybe the one thing the show kept on track the whole time and understood what it was doing#with them. clara’s is. a lot messier. it’s both building to a twist with the impossible girl thing that’s. a bit lackluster.#and then 11 without the ponds is. kind of a mess. like. character-wise. even more so than before. as far as i perceived it anyway.#but 12 does not have that problem! 12 starts off with a bang knowing exactly where he’s going as the doctor and what question he’s answering#about himself. and that gives clara so much more room to grow herself as she patterns herself after him both to feel important and to escape#the horrifyingly mundane trauma of her boyfriend. dying. in a normal way. that was also her own fault. (not really but i believe she thinks#it is.)#you know. if s8 12 is asking ‘is the doctor a good man?’ and answering ‘no. he’s just a man. he’s just there and he makes the decisions#and he doesn’t even know if they’re the right ones.’#then s8-s9 clara is responding with ‘well. if the doctor isn’t a hero. then what happens when someone tries to emulate him that sees him as#one. or worse: as someone who ought to be one.’#and the answer seems to be ‘bad idea. very very bad idea. this is fucking her up so bad and she doesn’t even realize it.’#granted im not at the end of this plotline but so far: ITS GOOD!!!! clara is great!!!!#anyway. thats my clara thoughts. actually i have more about ehy the moon abortion episode (bad) was ooc for the doctor but! very good#character moment for clara in reacting to what he put her through and how that’s foundational to how she’s rebuilding herself in his image.#but ill leave off here.#clara oswald#dw lb#ask
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#Idk how I feel about the Icarus fell as he laughed thing#not hating and I really really like that interpretation#but also him being a scared kid and crying for his dad 😭#who couldnt help him? rah#and this is like meaner and absolutely just me being melodramatic#but the way so many parents say they’d die before living without their children#I’d like to imagine he was one of them#but when confronted with the choice between dying with his child/trying to save him even if it would be fruitless or the going towards the#freedom hed been kept from for so long?#well Icarus chose the sun.#omg i just reread this Im not saying Icarus chose the sun over his child lmaooo#Lemme be clear#im taking Abt Daedalus 😭#that well Icarus chose the sun is like D making it clear that he chose freedom and tryin to justify it bc Icarus in a way chose freedom over#family too#and in the interpretation of Icarus as a young adult who laughed as he fell this is kind of a we’re both fucked up and i see you/you see me#Kinda thing#like idk that confinement must’ve done shit mentally yknow#but in the interpretation where Icarus is a kid who didn’t know any better? gut wrenching#to me anyways#especially since it’s technically daedalus’ fault they’re there#and more especially since Icarus is there for being his fathers son#Daedalus projecting his naivety onto Icarus and not only saying that the ‘choice’ the child made is the same as him giving up#but projecting the naivety that he himself had at the thought that he was exempt from the kings anger#ugh I love it either way but the second one is hitting today#OH ALL OF THIS BUT THEEEEEN imagine differences in stories where he sighed as he flew away#or stories where he wept as he watched his son fall#i need to make one of those genetic squares I forgot the name of for how I feel about each scenario#going insane
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#tonight or tomorrow morning actually is the 4 year anniversary of my dog dying and like surprise surprise lol im still not over it like.#i honest to god dont think i ever will. i honestly dont know how people move on and get other pets and just. keep on living like i#understand it like for some people it's part of the healing process but i just could never do it. like i just cant even fathom#i dont know that's not the point. the point is im having such a hard time because everytime i do anything tonight i keep thinking#4 years ago i still had my dog or 4 years ago in 5 hours i didnt know id be going to the vet at 1am and going home without my dog at 5am#and i just keep reliving it no matter how hard i try to not. and on one hand i want it hurt like i want to remember it just to punish myself#i just i just cant move on like it's just. i went 24 years of my life without ever experiencing death and then 4 years ago today my dog dies#in the most tragic possible way ever and then 11 months later my other dog who i had for 17 years since i was 8 dies and yeah still#not over that one either because i never let myself process that or truly grieve her because i had to shut that up real tight#or i would have lost it for real. and i have the most fucked up miserable tragic dreams about her so many nights a week#because she was old and had been u know. like old dogs do they just decline and that was impossibly hard to watch but at least i kind of#knew it was coming u know but like with my other dog. there was just absolutely no warning it was so sudden and it just ripped me apart and#i honest to god will never be okay again and then 6 months after all that i find out my ex died and only because after 6 years i finally#Finally decide to have the guts to talk to him again and apologize and explain and try to be friends and then nope he's dead#then in between all those deaths a super close family friend died and my grandpa my dad's dad died and like it's just#i had never even experienced death before and then all of a sudden i was engulfed in it and i just dont know how to come back from it.#but tonight is just. painful. like i havent even said his name out loud since it happened. i cant talk about him at all just writing this i#want to cry like it just fucking hurts forever. and it should i guess.#and i feel so stupid because so many times i wonder if my cat even remembers them and i wonder if she misses them too and idk#that makes me feel stupid and emotional and im just a wreck but i should be.
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I love finding new hyper mobility things ab myself lmao like I can bend my thumb to touch the knuckle on my index finger. Thats not NORMAL sgsgdggdgdgdg
I can put my foot behind my head, touch my thumb to my wrist, bend my neck to touch my spine, and can move my shoulder joint down further than it should :)
Probably should have brought this up to my pain management dr today but sgdgdggd what would he do ab it besides say "don't do that." ?
#marquilla#also overheard him say to another patient (bc the walla are so fucking thin it feels like a hipaa violation) that he doesnt prescribe#narcotics unless you're end of life stage diagnosis bc then it doesn't matter how it affects the body and it wont like ruin your life if you#get addicted bc you're dying. basically saying those meds are for making you as comfortable as possible before you die and#while you're living you must suffer i mean use other options sgdgdgdgdg#and i get his point though bc of the opioid epidemic HOWEVER i do believe some people do need them while they're living life#TO be able to live life#im not there yet but would it kill yall to give me some low risk painkillers for flares 😩#i had a drs practitioner give me two GREAT meds once but they sent me into an allergic reaction and now those have to be reportef#on every allergy chart bc they could kill me (: anyway i went back and was like they worked great til i had a reaction could we try#something else? she got really apologetic for the reaction (understandable but also not your fault man! you're good!) and said no talk#to your reg dr when she gets back. she said no :))))#idk where im going with this sggdgdgdgd i think bc im in a flare rn im just like ughhhhh#bc i took 600mg advil and 500mg tylenol at 2pm and im still in pain 😩 and its too wide spread for salonpas 😩😩😩😩#i hate the opioid epidemic for several reasons but one is bc now you cant even ASK for pills without getting the side eye and told to just#do yoga about it or take aleeve 🙄 bitch ive tried!!#sgdggd the nurse was like how long have you had this pain? 13 or 14 years. she was like oh jeez 😬 agdgdgdg like tell me about it man
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they're so happy and im so happy for them BUT WHY THAT NAME WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY
#kairying in here#FUCK MY NAMEEEEE#FUCK IT FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK IT MAKES ME WANT TO DIE#I CANT LISTEN TO ONE OF MY FAVORITE SONGS WITHOUT BRACING MYSELF TO HEAR IT#AND IT HURTS SO DAMN BAD IT FEELS LIKE SOMEONES HAND IS REACHING INTO MY HEART AND SQUEEZING IT#i hate myself#i hate everything#i want them to see this and dm me and say they're sorry for being happy#fuck their happiness it makes me hurt#it makes me want to die#bcs they're so happy and im dying because of it
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i want to be the strongest most unaffected aloofest person ever but im literally the weakest saddest cries at every inconvenience type of person and man.
#i got tiny little bit fever just 100#and i can't find dolo#and it's making me cry#i miss my mom i don't want to grow up I HATE GROWING UP i need my mother to sit and#shake the thermometer because ive broken them twice and i want her to stare at the clock for 2 mins#so i can close my eyes as if im in the greatest pain known to mankind#it's fucking ridiculous how the littlest things stick with you#and my dad called out of the blue and he was like i miss you and i know it's just a plot he can't bear to stay alone there#and now that mom has done her time he needs me to be there#but it's fucking making me cry nonstop since the evening#i don't even freaking understand why i sit alone for 2 secs and start crying eveb tho my head is empty#i just.#fuck him for lying about missing me needing me hasn't he fucked me up enough#he told me he loved me in 11th grade and like. obviously it wasn't true#i remember arguing back then he was so angry he was like what is love to you and i was so young i didn't think about stuff like that in 11#and i said it's wanting the other person to be happy because that's the most basic thing i could imagine trying to make the other person#happy and being there for them#and he was like NO you're just a child love is respect love is when i tell you something is right and you believe me#i didn't think it was true back then and i really fuckjnv know that it isn't true now#and just. everytime someone says they like me love me i feel like it's a lie because well my dad both my parents really#say they love me and obviously it isn't true#they wouldn't treat me this way if it was#so like. god. pls you've done enough you've wrecked enough havoc i can't study i can't maintain friendships#i can't maintain loving relationships all cause of you#and the audacity to say you miss me after all this after jm sitting 21 years old just carefully trying not to think about dying everyday#he says sweet things and then as soon as ive agreed to him he immediately becomes the rude horrible selfish person he is#im so so sooo sick of him i don't want to deal with him anymore i just want to fast forward 1.5 years and move out and#i want him to stop having so much fucking control over me physically emotionally#im not even near my period ut JUST ended ige never cried this much without periods#it's so fuckung scary man crying and crying and crying and you feel like you'll never be able to stop
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Oh yeah..... midnight gospel be hitting.... sitting in my bed fuckin. Crying. Get a grip girl
#Its the trudy ep which is actually the episode that made me keep watching#I love love love this episode.....#Something about how.......... idk.... its a very profound ep that I can't explain and it's a nice cry#This ep kind of shaped my outlook on life especially after finding out about my friend dying#All the regrets and things left unsaid.... I make my peace daily by being really straight up#If I love and care about ppl I tell them... I say they are appreciated and cared for man#I am always thankful for people and I *love* people as a whole#And as long as the people around me intrinsically know that they are loved and cared for and cherished.... like that's it#That's the end game truly#I will never ever be sorry for that. This was THEEEE episode.#There's a lot of nuance behind my feelings best described by revolutionary girl utena#But still. I'm deep enough in my tags bc I'm crying over my s/o but not in a bad way#Fml I am so grateful to him as just an entity. As a person in my life even if our lives only intersect for this brief period of time#He hasn't been texting me much and we didn't talk much at work and I didn't even get a goodbye (rude lol)#But I know he was having a rough day. I know he needs a bit of tlc.#He could be on a downswing because I am certainly on an upswing#So I'm kind of like trying to focus on doing my own thing rn without worrying about it#Because I can't do anything about it so I might as well continue My Thang#But as I sometimes come to terms with us never talking again (gotta be prepared at all times to be ghosted)#I also come back to terms with needing him to really understand#how many people in his life depend on love cherish and admire him#And im not just talking about me... he has a lot of siblings and a not great mom. Two kids he loves.#He has always taken care of everyone else in his life#He deserves to really know and idk. It makes me think of this moment.#Realizing how much I dont ever want to question if he knows#I don't want to question if I could've done more or tried harder etc. I did my very best and didn't lie cheat steal or whatever#I am so grateful to him for letting me have that. Even if nothing can come from it in the end#Even if we should be torn apart!!!! Take my revolution!!!#Anyways. Here's wonderwall#Banger of an episode. Worth the rewatch
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🐾⋆ ˚。⋆୨୧˚
#idk i just feel sad today. extra sad#i want love and affection and connection and intimacy#thats just want i want in life#idc abt jobs or money or concerts or trips or whatever. i just want love.....#and im sad bc i think i have potential to be such a loving and good gf#(but only to someone who is equally good to me. it cant be unlocked by force or emotional abuse)#idc abt all the other parts of life that to me are lame (jobs .. money.. houses cars.. trips idc...#i just wanna spend my time being loved and making someone feel loved#and maybe bc i am a so called lover girl at heart#i feel the emptiness of it everyday and it hurts#so much....#and like im now 26 and i have never even been asked on a date 💀#tho i dont really wanna date.. i just wanna devote myself to someone worthy (thats unrealistic tho i kno u gotta date to find someone)#like that makes it all harder too. i've never had even a peck on the mouth. amd i gonna be 30 and be like umm yeah i like u but i've never#kissed.. and then they gotta help me learn? at that big age? fucking humiliating i just wanna cry#so whatever. even if i manage to get a job and live on my own i'll always be miserable#bc i want LOVE!! and i want that love#to be the most important and focus almost all my energy on them#unrealistic i know.... :( but thats all i want and i feel like im slowly dying without it
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