#ive tried for so many years to fix me and apparently im the only one that can and i just keep failing so i clearly dont deserve to live

[gaystardykeco]

the problem with vacation is that now in three days i have to go back to working and being alone the rest of the time and idk if i can handle it

[sentientgopro]

My parents are currently trying to figure out a way for me to not have to share a bedroom with my brother, to the extent of considering a room in the garden. I said its probably just not worth it, Ive managed living in the room with him for many years, Im sure I can make do for another year and a half, and she said to me "You can't just put your life on hold like that for a year and a half until you move out". And she has no clue that had an entirely different meaning to me.

Yes, I DO have to put my life on hold until I move out, in a much more severe and damaging way than she realises, because of her transphobic ass.

But regardless of the twat saying it and the irrelevant context, I've been dwelling on those words. Its already getting kinda difficult a month into cracking doing nothing. Ive still got about another 20 to go before I even START transitioning and thats far from an instant problem fix, isn't it.

And I already wanted to think more in detail about how it will go when they inevitably find out, but this has presented a nice opportunity to think about it a bit more. My Dad will be absolutely pissed, plain and simple, to the extent that I'd have to make sure he finds out from a long distance for my own safety. He's gotten very aggressive over alot less. My mother, on the other hand, is a much more complex question.

She's the only one I've really ever talked to about issues (particularly issues relating to Dad, as well as mental issues), shes a psychologist so she kinda has a bit of idea what shes talking about. and she has said, on many occasions, that she thinks I'm very emotionally intelligent. She thinks I know myself very well. So if I told her about something I know she fundamentally disagrees with, will she just forget all that?

The thing is, she's been locked into conservative beliefs, but she can be reasoned with. One example was of a general discussion over the existance of gender dysphoria and validity of trans people, and I convinced her that gender dysphoria is real, there are scientific explanations behind why trans people feel the way they do. And she cannot find an argument against me so she resorts to "Okay, people like that exist, but I think most just do it because they think its trendy" cool, an entirely unmeasurable, impossible to back up claim that I cant even outright disprove so it pretty much ends up as her being right because she just knows better apparently. But, up to outright convincing her to change her beliefs, she can be reasoned with.

And besides, if Im so emotionally intelligent, surely I should belong to the group of people who aren't faking it, by her logic?

Honestly, if she was just outright never going to accept me like him, itd be easier. But the fact that theres a genuine question here makes it so difficult. Like, her helping cover for me and keep it a secret from my Dad and Brother while I start HRT is a genuine, possible outcome. Its also very unlikely.

But, if I could convince her Im not making it up, which should work in theory, and if she holds the belief that I can't just put my life on hold, its a forseeable outcome. And I don't know how I feel about that.

(Short bit of context for the next bit) One of my Sixth Form teachers has gotten extremely ill, we don't know the details but basically, hes disappearing for a while and we dont know if hes ever coming back. He is the ONLY member of staff in the school capable of teaching the subject. So, my mother arranged a meeting with the head to ask what happens next, and raised concerns over my education. In return, the head tried to ignore it by pinning it on me, saying I'm struggling already, and basically turn it around on me as if our only teacher isnt disappearing.

So I tried defending myself in a few ways, one of them being, since the last round of tests, Ive been feeling like, ALOT better, better motivated, to an extent that is affecting me on a day to day basis and making it easier to get work done, so there should be a massive improvement since my last tests. So after the meeting, naturally, my mother wanted to know what it was exactly that changed, and I realised I fucked up. The thing that changed was realising I was trans and realising that, eventually, I could be happy, and I have something to look forward to and work towards. So now shes gonna keep asking and wanting to talk about what it was. She keeps asking to go on a walk and talk about it.

And it keeps making me imagine, far into the walk, after she keeps poking and prodding, just going, "Fuck it, leap of faith". Because the more I dont tell her, the more suspicious shes probably gonna become.

idk, theres no real end point to this. This is more of a vent than figuring out my feelings. Supportive relatives are great, unsupportive relatives suck, but questionable relatives are fucking anxiety provoking. This is nothing new Im discovering here, really, this is a trans experience thats older than time itself. But I've never been a big risk taker, so Ill probably just take the long route and make sure they find out as late as possible.

[artificer-real]

im actually so fucking mad right now. holy shit. Wow! i havent felt this frustrated in years if i do remember right! typing this to avoid having a breakdown in the middle of school in fact!

Music related vent below

Context: I love singing. Music in general is my favorite thing ever, and singing is easy and fun, since ive done it since 1st grade. However, in the summer before my 7th grade year, puberty hit and notably to this story: my voice dropped a whole 2 octaves. My falsetto disappeared, i had to relearn notes in the bass clef, i kept accidentally going an octave down, and a host of problems with projection. But i could deal with those just fine, only took a year or two and i was goin strong again.

Except for one area.

now, I could get lower than anyone else ive ever met in person (A1-C2), but on the flipside, I couldn't even get higher than F3 on a GOOD day!

I only found out i was accidentally going an octave down in 8th grade, and when i tried to correct it, i couldnt hit the notes! in choir i could only get to maybe 60% of the notes, and barely 20% of them in showchoir!

But thats not all, no way. I found that notes above around C3 actively strained my voice to the point where my throat would hurt and eventually just *close* after singing them for an hour or so. which cut down the notes i could consistently practice even MORE!

This lasted another 6 bloody years, and only got worse when i realized i was trans cause ⭐️Dysphoria⭐️. Most of my current self esteem issues can be tracked back to half of my vocal range being completely useless in all but a couple songs per year, even though nowadays i can get to and stay a note or two higher atleast.

Of course, until now. I finally figured it out. It all started a week or two ago when i was talking to my choir director about it. He told me something revolutionary: Apparently, not everyone has that problem when they go high! apparently most people's voices just crack at a specific point when they go too high! So i got to experimenting. i kept trying to figure out what i was doing wrong with my voice, and as of 1 hour ago i have succeeded.

What was the problem? what was causing me monumental frustration and sadness for a 3rd of my life?

Mother. Fucking. Placement.

It was as simple as adjusting my jaw a bit to open my vocal chords, and placing the sound at the front of my mouth. I did it by ACCIDENT!

THE ROOT CAUSE OF SO MANY OF MY GOD DAMN ISSUES AND I FIXED IT BY FUCKING ACCIDENT!

And 1 month before i graduate no less. i get to take advantage of this new knowlege for 2 performances.

just.

this was the reason i never even tried to join higher choirs. this was the reason i never thought i could get a career involving performing. The reason i was resigned to just keeping music as a hobby in private. My hatred of my own voice was a solid half of the reason i considered suicide.

i dont even know what to do now. I want a career in performing, but i let so many opportunities to sing more slip by cause who would want a voice that cant even hit middle C? who had to pretend to sing more often than not?

i certainly didnt.

[bluekazzoo]

tw: EDs, body image, just the entire medical system for mental health being fucked, breif suicidal mention, medication

I could go on such a long fuckin rant about how adhd and other disorders are treated by the medical system. never mind im gonna go on a rant I have WORDS.

for one in countries such as Norway there are actually benifits to getting diagnosed, like money for lost items, discounts on pools and other physical activity sites and many others that go beyond just having more time for tests. don't get me wrong its great and I completely agree with it. despite how much I hate that "physical activity fixes adhd" bullshit it can help and having that accessible isn't a want its a need for many in order to function, making people pay for stuff they need is fundamentally wrong.

the problem comes when the diagnosis's take years (in my experience) to be confirmed and overall are harder to get. for example when I was 7ish my school pshychologist ran a ton of tests on me over months and concluded I almost certainly had dyslexia. despite this they refused to diagnose me until I was 11 because I was "so young". so for the majority of the time I spent in grade school I could have had extra help learning how to read and say what you will about "excuses" it would have been harder for teachers to reprimand me for a learning disability they didn't know I had or didn't care about because it wasn't in paper until I was 11.

and then there's the whole thing with meds, Jesus fucking christ do I have beef with the system for meds. so, pretty much my entire family has diagnosed adhd now but growing up I had the clearest symptoms was the first to get diagnosed, hence causing the rest of my family to put two and two together and get tested themselves. I was also the first to be put on medication for adhd. it was fucking hell, I tried about five different meds and because I was a child (around 8) the doctors kept giving me new meds no matter how much I hated it.

they only listened to my protests once I developed an ED at 11 in part due to the meds I was on. at this point a lot of my family was also on meds and they were all doing great. at the worst point I count get out of bed in the morning because of malnourishment and it took them a while to let me go off the meds despite declining weight. then they concluded it was because of body image despite me denying it and having been skinny my entire life. yes, I hated the way I looked but only when I was so skinny that the first thing people would say was "are your parents feeding you enough?" or "I wish you would take some of my fat, you look like you need it". instead of, oh I don't know, therapy that I was asking for? they prescribed me protein shakes that I hated even more than the meds.

anyways im not gonna go into the whole ptsd and suicidal shit but the way they handled that was somehow an even more of a catastrophic train wreak than any of my other horror stories from the medical system. oh god and then there's the shit from when I was five, ohhh boy.

much later I got diagnosed with ocd, and Ive forgotten the source but apparently it gets worse with adhd meds. I have been showing symptoms since first fucking grade and they didnt test me, instead putting me on meds that actively worsened my mental health.

the kicker is that while I was over here figuratively getting meds shoved down my throat other kids with adhd were being deprived of meds that could have changed their life. I was made to feel that not being on meds was an inconvenience to anyone around me.

moral of the story is that

a) LISTEN TO THE PERSON WHOS TAKING THE MEDS, I don't give a shit if they are a child, listen to them when it comes to how they are being treated. especially when its not life threatening. its their body, its their mind, its their choice.

b) a lot of childrens practitioners are idiots

c) don't underestimate or ignore what someone is going through, no matter their age

d) the diagnosis system is fucked

disclamer: this isn't a research essay its my account of things that happened to me, I don't have a phd on this, but I do have a first hand experience and a fuckton of trauma from it

...ngl, the fact that ADD and ADHD got condensed into ADHD when the hyperactivity specifically is part of the reason so many girls were simply not diagnosed drives me up the wall.

It's not that the whole name isn't bullshit, because it is. It describes the way people outside of our experience perceive us, as opposed to the difficulties that are part of our lived experience. Even from an outside standpoint, it's recognizable that "deficit" is not always the issue with our attention... but that's beside the point.

When psychiatrists noticed that ADD and ADHD were basically the same thing... they chose to favor the typical male presentation in the literal naming of the condition, and in doing so condemned a generation of girls (and other afab people) to suffer through being told they're so smart, they just don't apply themselves enough, that it's a personal failing they can't regularly turn in homework, that they're lazy for waiting until the last minute to work on an assignment... because those girls weren't hyperactive. Those girls just kind of drifted off and daydreamed in classes. Those girls doodled or wrote stories all through their school years, and functioned measurably worse when a teacher noticed they were doing that and tried to stop them. Those girls are now so many of my adult friends who are now being diagnosed with ADHD as adults, because the hyperactive part of the diagnosis almost solely applies to children (CHILDREN, when, I might note, this is a lifelong condition) who are socialized male.

We need a whole other name for the condition, because attention deficit is not our problem at all. But my god, the hyperactivity part actually ruined my life for so many years, because I had no way to explain to my dad why it physically hurt me to be bored, why I had to read or write or doodle in class in order to keep my focus, why I excelled in tests but failed at homework so my grades sucked because of that. No one even considered I might have ADHD, all through my childhood, but earlier this year I had the opportunity to go through all my grade school reports, and they could not be MORE CLEARLY talking about a child with ADHD. "Pleasure to have in class", "assignments not complete", "does not pay attention in class", "Birdie is a highly intelligent child with specific and unique needs" (I would LOVE more follow-up on that one, from third grade, do not have it). But I was a quiet and reserved child, so obviously I couldn't have ADHD.

I'm legitimately angry about it in retrospect. I went off my Adderall for a couple months recently, as an adult who only started taking Adderall as an adult, and it completely fucked up my ability to function. For years I was just out there as a teenager struggling through high school and college entirely unmedicated because as a child I was too withdrawn to be diagnosed. Fucking wild and also infuriating.

[wizkiddx]

heyheyhey idk if u do req but love your dad tom stuff! PLZ PLZ do tom helping his kids with homework but cant do it and reader has to help and its all fluffy 😩💕

ye im down to do req and this had me going completely ott cos its v cute (and a lot less angsty than what ive written recently aha) so apologies for my ramblings:

Summary: tom has the kids for a day and maths homework throws a spanner in the works - tomhollandxreader

implied smut + v slight reference to porn but basically just fluff I promise xox

\\\\\\\\\\\\///////////

Tom had dealt with a lot of whining today. Nova and Leo were the absolute joys of his life, there was no doubt about it. Of course, he also loved you a hell of a lot too - sometimes to his detriment though, hence the position he was in now. 

You’d had a busy week at work and he had been away for the first half of it - leaving you as an almost single mother to a 5 and a 7 year old. So completely fairly, you’d asked if he wouldn’t mind watching the kids for a the day on Sunday, allowing you to go to a friends baby shower. There was no answer but to agree, Tom loved quality time with the kids and he wanted you to kick back and relax with you friends too. 

However the afternoon had not been nearly as idealistic as it were supposed to be in his head. You had left him only one real job (apart from the unavoidable essentials of keeping the kids alive with food and water, something you’d hope he need not be reminded about now). Really it shouldn’t of been that hard, it was just each kid had two pieces of homework. After convincing and cajoling the kids into sitting at the table which he’d already set up with Nova’s ‘Liverpool FC’ and Leo’s ‘captain marvels’ pencil case, the English was easy. 

In fact 5 year old Leo took great joy out of writing a poem with his Dad, which basically involved trying to rhyme any word with another - especially when he tried to convince Tom that all his completely fictitious words were real and worked together. A personal favourite had been ‘snakes’ and ‘palakes’ which Leo was convinced meant pancakes - arguing so vehemently Tom almost started to doubt himself on basic English. 

Thankfully though his eldest and most sensibly child eventually took him out his misery. If anyone had any control over the Holland boys, Leo and Tom - it was the Holland girls. You and Nova had both boys completely under you spell, often taking advantage of the fact too. It was only when Nova got bored of hearing Tom and Leo mock arguing, interspersed with the little boys giggles that Tom tried his absolute hardest to keep a straight face at, that she swooped in.

“Stop being silly Leo, mummy told you he’s not good at school!” She looked oh so innocent, eyes immediately flicking down to continue the little short story she was happily going on with. In response  Tom scowled, knowing your highly curious and intelligent daughter had asked you (for one reason or another) why he was not so academic. Yet instead of Leo bursting out laughing, instead he just nodded and accepted it too - making Tom scowl even more. Not even Leo thought it was a joke. 

So apart from his children apparently taking pity on his simple mind, it was all going smoothly. Perhaps, due to the thankful fact your children had inherited their brains from their mother - something Tom was forever thankful for, until he was shamed for his substandard intellect in the family. Then again though, he was Spiderman. So take that. 

Until Nova brought out her maths sheet. Then the afternoon quickly descended into chaos. It was fractions, something she hadn’t quite grasped from school yet - a concept that still hurt her head somewhat. Normally though it’d be fine, she’d bring the sheet to you and the two of you used ‘ girl power’ to figure it out… you prior experience as a tutor while in uni helping you know how to break through to her. 

Unfortunately Tom didn’t share this same experience. Nor did Tom share a maths qualification… something that had evaded him completely during his schooling career. Of course, it had never been a particular issue, acting didn’t require the use of maths and algebra and Tom was in a very lucky position of being able to pay someone to manage his finances from a very young age. So no, dividing 2/3 and 3/7 didn’t come the most naturally to him. Or at all to be quite honest. 

“I CANT DO IT AND GRACE IN MY CLASS COULD!” For context, Grace was one of her school friends, who forever liked to compare herself to the young Holland - especially because she was normally ahead. Nova had gone from quiet frustration, staring at the questions with her tongue sticking out slightly, to one of pure rage - yelling at her dad with tears in her eyes. Nova was normally incredibly intuitive, she always found it difficult when she couldn’t do something. Now, with a ‘teacher’ who was more useless than her - the frustrations inevitably bubbled over. 

“Hey, we can work it out, just calm-“

“YOU CANT DO IT EITHER YOUR STUPID “ She was just young and frustrated, Tom tried not to take it personally but … it wasn’t always easy. Chiefly because this was the height of offensive statement Nova knew - this was her version of adult explicit language. 

“Nova you can’t be rude.” He used his stern voice, something Tom very rarely used with his little girl. Though he never wanted to upset her, neither did he want her to think it was ever okay to be so rude to anyone like that- no matter how crappy at maths they were. It hurt him to do so but it was necessary - life lessons about the importance of being kind needed to be learnt. And it worked… if what Tom was aiming for was his beautiful baby girl’s eyes to brim with sparkling tears, her bottom lip quivering slightly. 

Instantly Tom’s eyebrows drooped, trying to fight his natural reaction to scoop her onto his knee and reassure her everything was okay. But as you had lectured him many a time before, he had to put his foot down once in a while. So instead, the father and daughter were locked in a silence and intense eye contact, until Nova hesitantly began to speak. 

“I’m sorry Daddy.” During which, Nova shoved her chair back, making it screech against the tiled floors uglily before running off up the stairs. Tom knew she was crying a lot. Knew this was going to take a bit of fixing. 

With a sigh of his daughters name, Tom popped his head into the living to check on Leo who had already finished all his stuff. Seeing him completely zombified in front of ‘paw patrol’ on TV, Tom trudged up the stairs. He knew where she was, when Nova was upset she always hid in the corner of her wardrobe and cried in the darkness. So after steadying himself with a little internal monologue of how to approach the situation Tom walked in and sat down beside the wardrobe - knocking on the door slightly. 

“Nova… can we talk please?” All he heard was sniffing echoing from the wooden chamber until she tried to shout through the door.

“Go-go… go away daddy.” It broke his heart, the way her voice wavered, making Tom pout - gently letting his head fall against the wardrobe doors. 

“I don’t want you to be upset beautiful…. And you did apologise which I appreciate. You know why Daddy got angry right?” Her sniffles heightened before she muttered a quiet ‘yes’. “And you are sorry? Because that might’ve made me really sad too.”

“I’m s-s-sorry, I didn’t mean it.”

“Then that’s good and we don’t need to cry. You want a cuddle little one?” Before Tom could even properly get up the door was being pushed open by her little hands, revealing a tear stained face and big glassy eyes looking up at her Dad. Swiftly Tom scooped her up and out of the cupboard, whispering to her while she buried her face in his chest. 

“Oh come here my little bean.”

//////////////////////

When you came home late that evening, only mildly exhausted from spending the whole day gossiping with your girls, it was weirdly quiet. All the lights were out in the front room, which made you close the door gently, thinking Tom had managed to exhaust the kids - and himself in the process. With a relieved sigh at the peace you pattered into the kitchen to get yourself a drink (it had been a little concern that Tom would’ve worked the kids into a hyperactive and delerious state that kept them up long past bedtime - which ultimately you’d have to deal with). The house was remarkably silent and though it was clear from the littered toys everywhere that it had indeed been Tom alone in charge, everything seemed pretty okay. 

It was only as you were about to head upstairs to join your hubby in bed that you realised the study light was still on, streaming through the small crack in the doorframe. Assuming Tom had just neglected to turn it off, in otherwords Tom being Tom, you nudged it open with your hand. Surprisingly though, there was your husband, hunched over the desk, looking almost angrily focused - between the computer screen and a piece of paper below him. Normally you would’ve just assumed it was another script sent over or an edit Harry had sent of another screenplay they were writing together. 

But no, the blatant red flag was the screen that you could see. A screen on YouTube, of a man pointing at a whiteboard of fractions. 

So with a soft wrist you wrapped your knuckled on the side of the door, even if you had technically already entered the room. The reaction had you stifling a laugh, it was as if you’d caught him watching something *less PG* the way he jumped out his seat, closing the browser immediately. 

“Love!! I -er … didn’t know you’d got back?”

“I just did.” You smiled gently, while walking into stand behind his chair, wrapping your arms round his neck and pressing a kiss to his jaw. “Soooo…. what’ca doingggg” The glee in your voice was evident, making Tom groan and shut his eyes. 

“I hate you, you know that right?” 

“No you don’t… but you were watching a primary school video on fractions, if I’m not so mistaken?” He sighed deeply, making a point of turning the paper with his scribbles over to obscure it. 

“Nova’s homework.. she couldn’t do it and neither could I, so then she basically screamed at me for being thick and udseless and then had a breakdown.” 

Now you felt guilty. This was a bit of a sore spot with Tom, he always for some reason felt inferior because of his academic ability. Which was stupid- mainly because he was the most clever and talented man you’d ever met. Just…. Just not at fraction. 

“Oh T… you could’ve just left it for me to do with her, I don’t mind.”

“That’s not the point Y/n.” He snapped a little, shrugging your arms off him and spinning in the chair so he could face you. “She’s my daughter and I should be able to help her! It’s not like it’s that hard, it’s just I’m unbelievable thick.”

“Tom stop. Look - you can do this I assure you, it’s just been a long old time ‘kay? Your rusty and that’s only natural.”

“I really don’t think I could ev-“

“Can I teach you? It’s just the method and then I promise you’ll get it.”

It took a bit of persuasion but eventually Tom agreed, letting you pull the corner chair forward to beside his desk so you could demonstrate it to him. To be fair, he really could do it- just a bit of familiarising on the ‘stick-change-flip’ method. The way the lightbulb moment literally caused his face to light up; scurrying to do the question for himself, tongue sticking out in the process; then presenting it to you proudly - well it had you melting in your seat. 

“See! That took all of 5 minutes and you got it.” You elbowed  his side by leaning forward in the chair, which instead of letting go, Tom reached and caught, before pulling you up and round. You landed with you bum perched on the edge of the mahogany desk, Tom now stood up- his legs in-between your parted thighs - your feet hooking round the back of knees. 

“It’s all down to my incredibly talented teacher.”

“No…. No I really don’t think it is” You mused with a soft voice, fingers instinctively going to the nape of his neck - twirling the little curls round your fingertips. 

“Well even so… I think I could teach you a thing or two too.” Never one to mull on anything, Tom’s tone had immediately switched to something a lot more… mischievous. 

“Not even going to ask about my day? Wheres the chat mr smooth?” He had to repress the grin at your smirk because as much as you infuriated the hell out of him - you also had this weird ability of making him feel so entranced and helpless. He relented with a sarcastic chime.

“Fine, how was your day love.”

“Good…. but I have a feeling you’re about to make it a whole lot better.”

That was all the signals he needed to lean forward, in doing so forcing you back until your back landed completely on the cool wood. His lips feathered yours, both hands pinned either side of your head.

“Oh darling… you have no idea.”

[surviving---not---living]

What the fuck do I do?...

**tw emotional/physical abuse mentions**

posted this on reddit with different ages and such so he wont find it but he doesnt use tumblr so I wanted to post here to see if yall had some suggestions as well any help would be greatly appreciated or to just know someone read would also be enough... with that said I'll paste the post.

to start I'm 23f and the fiance is 38m

I have an idea of what i should do i just sincerely dont want to i dont want to leave him homeless and without money or a job...

but the last few months have me scared and confused...

(during arguments he let's me write down what's happening when I hear something that stands out to me in Hope's itll help me fix my behaviour i got from my parents so ive been able to write down exact wording on some things said) theres just so much going on...

to preface this hes never been physically abusive to me and thankfully it's not there yet. in his defense though i was raised very incorrectly due to shit parents and I have a lot of mental issues that cause self sabotage, delusional thinking- meaning If I personally believe something it usually takes a small war to get my mind to recognize im actually wrong, as well as terrible memory so if I do acknowledge I've done something wrong more often than not my head forgets what happened or what i even did wrong if anything and the next time it inevitably happens again I have no information to pull from to tell me what I did was wrong or why. so basically I'm kind of a fuck up, I'm doing my best to fix my shit but yeah my fiance has been dealing with all of that for 4 years now.

(*some minorly important issues

•he's been interrupting me not letting me finish what I'm saying and just outright changing the topic since we first got together, although wrong of me I started doing that as well because i saw no other way to be able to speak to him except even when I'm doing the exact same shit hes doing it seems like hes the only allowed to be upset.

•we were in an open relationship except he didnt follow the rules we agreed to one time and that broke my trust I had for him. we said no coworkers, we said only people we were both interested in we said no one that's taken and yet all of those got broken over an ugly bitch. and I still get shit for bringing it up to this day.

•he said that until I start prefacing all of my conversations with him he wont count any attempt I've made at talking to him about my problems. so basically everything I've tried talking to him about doesnt fucking matter and it doesnt fucking count. not even when I tried telling him 3 separate times I'm feeling suicidal to top it off everytime i mentioned it, it ended in an argument.

•he told me he got suicidal thoughts for the first time in 10 years due to me and honestly I didnt know how to fucking respond to that. it made me sad yeah but where was the care I needed when I brought up the same thing? where was his give a fuck hes supposed to show if he actually cares about me??

•he says he interrupts me because what I have to say is either false, not grounded in reality, or they're excuses. except he has little to no way of knowing any of that is true unless he hears me all the way out I could be agreeing with him and he still interrupts and gets pissed.

•I believe hes a hypocrite but he says nah hes only doing this because I'm doing bad.

•hes said multiple times that i wont see any improvement in him until he sees I've got my shit together. even though hes the one that caused the first problems in this relationship I'm supposed to be the first one to fix my shit? instead of both of us working on our shit together??? and when I ask those questions he responds with yes you are supposed to be the first one to fix your shit because I'm at the end of my rope and I wont take this anymore.)

but on to why I've been scared. this person told me he used to be abusive with an equally abusive ex for many reasons and after splitting up he vowed to never do that again and never end up like they did.

fast forward to our relationship and well a few months ago he told me he wanted to hit me and made it a point to say he wasnt going to but he really wanted to.

he said that because we were both in my car and he wanted to leave with the car except I wasnt going to get out of MY car so he started yelling, i got scared and left later on he told me that was the first time hes ever wanted to hit me and I should think about what it is I did to get him to that point. after that I left it alone for a month because things got a bit better and then came the next time he said he wanted to hit me. now I dont remember the reason for him saying it the second time but I wasnt going to let that slip as easily as the first so I spoke up about it and what he had to say about me telling him it made me scared of him to know he wanted to hit me was " well if you Weren't a coward, normally when someone says they want to hit you it's a signal that you're doing something so wrong that they want to hit you." and me knowing him i knew this was one of those times he just wasnt going to budge.

so on to the next argument.

he told me I'm the one who thrust those thoughts into him, that I'm the reason they ever came to be, I'm why the exist in the first place. and he doesnt seem to understand when I say that no I'm not the reason your head wants to hurt me they exist there because of your last relationship letting that be an option. he also said he keeps the option of abuse in his head with a line in front of it to remind him to never pass that line and he doesn't understand that keeping that idea in his head at all is not a good thing because now the option is available whether you want to take it or not and

he. just. kept. arguing. and defending.

now on to the last argument.

he says he wants me to stop putting him in a position to do all the thinking and decision making for me, when I've asked him multiple times to stop doing that because I want to do shit for myself and all he keeps saying is show me that you can actually think for yourself and I'll stop needing to do that. like motherfucker at least give me the time to make decisions or thoughts.

I know it's not his fault that I take longer to process things but he knows this fact and keeps expecting me to already have a response half a second later to something I'm barely registering 5 seconds after it happened and again yes I know its something I have to work on and I am but atm it's still an existing issue.

hes trying to call thinking for me and making decisions for me "a gift" (the exact context for him saying this wasnt written down as I was too upset at the audacity of that claim.)

he wants me to show overwhelming efforts to fix my fucked behavioral issues but the efforts I'm putting in atm dont matter to him and that hes hanging on a single thread hes no longer willing to take anything but Absolute compliance(yes he used the actual words absolute compliance) if he doesnt see me losing sleep to figure out and fix my shit he wont be convinced I'm trying. he ended that segment with him saying hes not using these words to control or manipulate me. he says this is a requirement a yes or no and he wont make his decision on whether he wants to break up with me until I say yes or no to his absolute compliance. he said his decision is solely based on my answer and If i say yes i dont get to back off or get out of it.

I also wrote down a quote he said that was just so arrogant i couldnt leave it out.

"You sit before an artisan of problem solving." -my fiance

soo haha yeahh the last argument happened right before going to bed and I started typing this as soon as I got up and finished my hygiene stuff.

I'm pretty sure if he had never told me he'd wanted to hit me this wouldn't be such a difficult thing to answer... I love him and I have no idea if I should pick him and risk any form of my safety or just let him leave me.. he has no job, no money, and no family to go to.. I know he doesnt care about being homeless but I do care..I fucking love him and I dont want that for him not even for a day... as shitty as he and I can both be I still dont believe that's what he deserves... if he ever finds this hell be even more pissed that I'm even concerned about what he'll do if he leaves.. he always told me to not care and that if I ever do want to leave him to not worry about that and just get it over with sooner.. thing is I dont want to leave I just want my baby back... the one that didnt yell or didnt want to hit me at all... I want our old relationship back.. I guess I want to know if that's even possible at this point. any words from anyone would be really nice right now.. if only to just feel like someone's talking to me.. my fiance is literally the only person I talk to and the closest thing to a friend I have. and i dont tell my parents any of what's happening because they're stressed enough so I've been basically alone for 4 years with no one but my fiance to talk to..

granted it's my fault I havent made other friends but I've been so stressed recently that I havent done much about it for many reasons..

update: he just finished telling me that hes only had half a burger in the last 3 days, (due to stress) he just wanted to let me know that apparently.

[luque-moreau]

y'know i think its about time ive refurbished my psychonauts headcanons/theories

what??? me??? rewriting my psychonauts headcanons in a more comprehensible and informed way???

ye

alright, i think everyone knows what im talking about, by headcanons i mean headcanon as in singular, and as singular, i mean my "raz is somewhere on the spectrum of adhd".

so lets just get into it:

what is adhd actually?

adhd by definition stands for attention deficit hyperactive/hyperfocus disorder (yes, let me get into the details in just a sec). it is a nerodevelopmental disorder that is almost completely reliant on genetic factors, however conditions during pregnancy can sometimes contribute to certain aspects of how adhd manifests itself.

long story short, people with adhd have a smaller frontal lobe, and therefore less dopamine in general (even though yes, it is more complicated than that).

theres also a little bit of "chicken or the egg first" goin on here, certain behaviors or personality tendencies can also affect how adhd is presented in one individual to the next, however its still not clear if that is because it is an accommodating for a certain thought process or if someones experiences and personality shape their symptoms of adhd entirely. its a very blurry line, and the answer is different for everybody.

hyperactive type

hyperactive type is probably the closest to most stereotypical depictions of adhd, think the 5 year old whos parents brush off their child’s hyperactivity as something that will “go with age”. however, this isn’t only present in children, adults with adhd have to deal with a constant need for stimuli to make up for the lack of dopamine their current activity is providing them. this results in someone fidgeting frequently in repetitive or predictable motions, unable to hold attention to a specific task for long periods of time, or many other of the symptoms associated with adhd.(i sadly cannot provide more information in this area, i am not knowledgeable enough to...)

hyperfocus type

hyperfocus type is a tricky one, it can look like the complete opposite of adhd in theory. hyperfocus can look similar to special interests or hyperfixation, a great deal of time and knowledge dedicated to a very particular thing (although it is important to note that even though hyperfixations and special interests are incredibly similar, special interests is a term more typically used within autistic-circles, and isnt really the best word to use if you happen to be neurotypical). Think of maybe that kid who knows all the cool animal facts and won’t shut up about them. Its because certain trains of thought or activities might release more dopamine then others, so to get more of that dopamine, someone of hyperfocus type will be mentally unable to stop thinking or doing a very specific task or topic. this results in someone seemingly always spacing out, unable to change subjects or changing subjects too fast or with little to no correlation, or being completely unable to have enough motivation to do simple things.

personally i tend to fall under the category of hyperfocus myself rather than hyperactive, however the two are not mutually exclusive, its more common to find people with both types rather than just one. even myself, i might exhibit more tendencies to place me under the label of hyperfocus, but that doesn’t mean i don’t have any symptoms of the hyperactive type. its my personality that affects my mannerisms, which then makes certain aspects of my symptoms more or less apparent. Thats because im an INTP-T, i just tend to be more to myself and constantly in a state of thinking abstractly. I have trouble communicating and even sometimes recognizing my needs, and get to a point where im unable to do the simplest of things without feeling emotionally drained. Thats just my experience though, everybodys different. 

so what the fuck does this have to do with raz then?

well lets think about it, rather than have it just be me projecting myself onto a comfort character:

raz finds issue with connecting to kids his age

lets be honest. none of the campers really like raz that much. or at least some do the bare minimum to be try and be polite. it doesn’t seem like any of the other campers besides dogen, whos also socially outcasted, are really fond of raz. lili might like him, but that can definitely be interpreted as curiosity in someone new and different from the norm. It might not be that the kids despise him, but nobodys opinionated enough to care whether he is around or not.

social isolation is one of the most damning things i had to experience from an early age and still feel even today. there is a sense of feeling that you are different among your peers, whether that is a good thing or bad thing. it feels difficult to interact with other people you are not familiar with, and can really stunt you emotionally and socially. from a really early age, theres somethin in you that knows something is very different between the experiences of your peers compared to your own, and it can feel incredibly isolating.

raz and his borderline stupidity

time to get real again. raz is a fucking idiot. at least in the sense that sometimes his decisions seem incredibly spontaneous and not really thought through. he runs from home to attend a summer camp, not really thinking about the logistics of how he will get there, how the staff will react, how long its gonna take for his parent to find him, and so on. it doesn’t seem like he over or underestimates his abilities, he just goes for it without considering. that doesnt seem like the smartest thing to do, even though we know hes incredibly intelligent when it comes to larger, abstract situations. its the little details that he misses, small minuet things that seem unimportant that he overlooks, which can sometimes make things harder for him in the end.

i think its obvious that impulsivity is one symptom of adhd. however i cannot stress how difficult it is to think at supersonic speed and still feel incredibly stupid. i mean, thinking faster doesn’t inherently mean you will have better ideas, you can always be stupider faster, but being able to realize stupid mistakes or inconsistencies in your own thought process is annoying as hell. it feels like every time you try to recognize the issue, fix it, and move forward, you only end up not paying attention to another issue that gets bigger and more annoying than the first. Its always two steps forward, one step back, constantly making the same mistakes even though you try everything in your power to avoid them or grow as a person. The simplest of facts, ideas, or just things to remember end up being forgotten, and once youre reminded of them you remember them and feel like an idiot. however, arbitrary things and complex issues are much easier to digest and remember for me, things like history and the whole blame game charade of it all, biology and how every minuet thing has a greater impact on others and intertwines with every single factor of its environment, philosophy and theorizing why we think the way we do and what can be changed. but oh shit, im a dumbass i forgot to do my laundry. shit. god fuckin dammit.

empathy over sympathy

one of the basic themes of psychonauts is empathy. simple as that. raz goes around into other peoples brains, and tries to help them as much as he can, even if his efforts are not always successful in the way he intended. he never demonizes anyone to the point of unredeemability, and can empathize and understand other peoples perspectives. hes open to new ideas and

although some studies out there theorize that empathy is impaired due to adhd, from my perspective i feel like that is simply not true. if anything, i would say the sensitivity that comes with adhd (hypersensitivity) only enhances that empathy. i could definitely see social disconnection being one of the reasons it might appear that someone with adhd is less empathetic, however i would doubt that adhd would impair a persons empathy. adhd tends to also entail heightened emotions, this doesn’t necessarily mean a more outwardly emotional person, however it definitely shifts a persons perspective of their own emotions as well as others. the concept of hypersensitivity also completely contradicts the idea of people with adhd be less empathetic.

miscommunication and disconnect

sigh, the dad thing. yup. raz has that very iffy relationship with his dad at the beginning of the game which is eventually resolved. very abruptly, might i add. but thats not what this is about, thats a topic for another day. miscommunication seemed to be the root of the issue, however we only get razs side of the story. not to mention the severity of his claims and willingness to seemingly drop everything afterwards. kinda sus, ngl.

alright this ones a doosey. this, i feel, cements my theory pretty well. like i mentioned before, social disconnect and hypersensitivity are side effects of the symptoms of adhd.  this means people with adhd are highly more likely to either misinterpret someones words or actions if those in question are not completely transparent, its because they tend to overthink and interpenetrate responses with too much thinkin n such. the social disconnect makes a whole lot of it worse, it can just pile on top of already established feelings of inadequacy and isolation. and oversharing as a poor coping mechanism isnt an exclusively adhd related thing, it tends to be shared within similar neruodevelopmental disorders such as autism or even ptsd. i find it incredibly easy to disconnect myself from my own emotions at times and think critically at what i feel and how it affects me. which is a bad thing. if i dont acknowledge my emotions like they are my own for too long, everything falls apart. its not fun. but, that disconnect can make talking about certain more traumatic experiences or instances that had deep personal effects on my life and development as a person much easier to just share. and not always in an appropriate manner, comedic opportunity can be   v  e  r  y   enticing. this also explains why raz might have been able to drop everything about his dad after he apologized. he didn’t really, he probably still suffers just as much afterwards as he did before. but he probably wont realize that for awhile, since logically, the issue has been resolved. long story short, he has not had the time to cope, and to put that off he detaches himself from those feelings. w a c k

of course i have other reasons why i feel like raz could potentially have adhd, or at least be accurately represented in headcanon with adhd, some minor mentions being:

he uses his camp map as a journal to track his in-game progress, list of goals, and notes/snip-its of information. writing down information on some form of notepad or book is a common tool used by kids and even adults with adhd to help them keep track of minuet, individual tasks. its just using a planner, but with a bit more information. 

just from my personal perspective, the lengths raz goes to pursue his dream of being a psychonaut feel more like a special interest/hyper fixation sort of thing. he can jump between having genuine conversations with his fellow campers and just exploring the campground, to investing himself entirely in obtaining his goal, even when it seems almost impossible. thats some serious dedication to one very specific thing, y’know?

this one isnt as solid as the other but: m̶̖̰̯̫̍͝o̵̦͖̟͈̹̤̥̝͐̿̄̀̀̎̓ņ̶̛̭̠̐̊̆̍͝ķ̸̝͈̺̙̰̊e̶͉͚̼̅̔͗̂͐̍̕͝͝y̶̦̖̼͖̪͎̝̖̠̐̑͋̾̔̑́͐͘ ̵̢̲̘͎͉̔̀͒̄͌͊̀͌̀m̴̲̫̮̪̖̍̐͆̕͜͝ͅả̶͙͚͗n̶̗̳̩̙̘̼̦̦͇͝ ̷̡̨̡͔̗͕̘͍̥̑͒̎̐̃g̴͔̔̈̅̐̏́̌̔̈́́o̶̥̱̽̆̂͌̀͗ ̶̝̩͙͕͛́s̴̛͓̥̲̜͓͚̣̠̆̓̌͌p̶̜̹̯̦̫̯̣̎͐̽̉̾ḙ̴͇̬͑̈́̐̈́͘͠ͅȅ̶̡̗̞̩͔̫̪͈͑̓͗d̵̠͇͎̜͔͇͒̈́́̀̅̈́̒͘y̸̡̦̠̻̖̥̿ͅ. yeah, its the most generalizing reason but look, hes moving nonstop the entire game, climbing and running around the entire goddamn place wrecking havoc. a bit of imp can be found in most people with adhd if you look hard enough.

so thanks for reading this far i guess? im oversharing even right now with this, like an i d i o t but yknow what i dont want to read the great gatsby rn, so ive got nothin better to do. who knows, maybe the second game will give us more info to either support/discredit this theory? gotta wait for pn2 i guess

:^)

[ryttu3k]

Part 2 of my season 12 reaction posts! Find part 1 (Resolution of the Daleks to Fugitive of the Judoon) here!

Praxeus

Thoughts on Doctor Who - Praxeus!

OKAY FIRST. THANK YOU, SHOW, FOR FIXING A BIG ISSUE I HAD WITH THE FIRST SEASON. So they were doing a thing where they’d introduce incidentally queer characters, have a female character mention her wife, stuff like that, only for them to die. This episode had Jake and Adam, married/separated/it’s complicated couple, who face huge amounts of danger, who both come close to dying, but who survive! And have a Big Damn Kiss! And walk off together holding hands! They survived!!

Plotwise, I enjoyed it a ton while watching, although in retrospect it did feel a bit free of danger. The companions were never in true peril because the Doctor can home in on them automatically, and we never got the true scale of the risk of infection, since the only people we saw get infected were in isolated areas. I would have liked to see, for instance, the threat of Praxeus spreading beyond just the very Hitchcockian birds; all of the peril was on an individual level.

Good message, if unsubtle. Mind you, that’s kind of Doctor Who’s thing, and it pisses off conservatives, so all for it, really XD (They must have loved the core relationship in this episode, too!) Like. Subtle doesn’t work. There are literally climate change deniers that exist. Sometimes you actually do have to tell a message with all the finesse of a sledgehammer because .

(Side note, I was deeply concerned when I saw the cowriter was the guy who did the hot mess that was Kerblam!, so at least this was just an unsubtle and kind of questionably written story instead of an actively harmful one.)

The companions: Ryan seems a fair bit more confident on his own? His initial scenes with Gabriela showed that he’s starting to work well even without backup, and picking up the bird proved to be a damn good call. Yaz and Graham were a fun pair, and Yaz got a lot to do when she and Gabriela (again!) got to explore, and I can definitely understand the conflict between curiosity/doing what’s right and safety when it came to the teleport scene. She does seem to be bordering on the reckless. Intriguing!

Minor plot snag - Graham knows how to set up an IV, presumably because of the shitload of time he spent in hospital! …And yet he doesn’t know what a pathogen is?

Friend note!

“fun fact about graham seemingly not knowing what a pathogen is! in my reading of the scene, i saw it as graham knowing what one was. with "Well, I’m glad you asked that…!” he seems like he’s actually sort of pleased with himself, like he’s about to launch into an explanation, and then IIRC there’s a very brief shot at Ryan giving him a Look and Graham immediately changes tone to “…cause I didn’t want to look stupid.” he immediately changes from boosting his own ego to bolstering ryans and im love"

In which case, good shit gooood shit.

SFX - the infection was creepy as shit. The very obviously puppet bird near the lab was hilariously bad.

Apparently the filming was tricky because it was super windy so all the shorts of Thirteen with her hair Like That weren’t planned, it just kind of happened. Love a fluffy ruffled Thirteen.

So anyway. People calling for more plot focus - literally this is the Doctor trying to distract herself and not focus on the plot! This is her avoidance tactic! Emotional honesty? Who’s she? She’ll get back to it eventually, but for now she needs a distraction after being punched in the emotions. Give her that for one episode, c'mon.

Ryan: “…I do a lot of running.”

Graham: “Whatever is giving off those weird readings… is on the other side of that wall!” Yaz: *silently turns scanner around* Graham, not skipping a beat: “…is on the other side of that door!”

Yaz: “I don’t want you to panic, but… we followed one of those things through a teleport and now I think we’re on an alien planet.” Thirteen: “…well, you don’t do things by halves!”

Thirteen: “That’s why you smell of dead bird! I thought you’d changed your shower gel.”

Thirteen: “I’m having half a thought. Ooh, this one tickles!”

Thirteen: “What can I say? I’m a romantic~”

In conclusion, Doctor Who said gay rights.

-

Can You Hear Me?

Thoughts on Doctor Who - Can You Hear Me?

Trigger warning for discussion of depression and suicide.

You know you're in for a wild ride when iView warns for horror themes instead of science fiction themes.

Overall: at first impression, it felt sort of mashed together? There's 14th century Aleppo, and there's 21st century Sheffield, and there's a deep space station, and there's creepy monsters and dream villains; I do kind of wonder why Zellin targeted a random girl in Aleppo as source for his pet monster, although targeting people like Ryan's best friend makes sense if he's deliberately trying to lure the Doctor to him.

The theme, on the other hand, of mental health resiliance and reaching out, was done incredibly well. Oh yeah there'll be more comments about it - the Guardian described it as 'adventures in Wokeness' - but damn, sometimes you need to hear it. I loved getting more of Yaz' backstory, about being a desperate teenage runaway at the point of being suicidal, and her reunion with the older woman legitimately made me tear up.

But like, goddamn. Her nightmare - she's still hearing that. She's still hearing her sister saying that she should "do it right this time" and that this time she won't call and that no one is coming and holy fuck. God this makes so many of Yaz' scenes incredibly painful in retrospect, knowing that she was at that point only three years before and that she's still dreaming that shit! It makes her recklessness terrifying!

Ryan's nightmare, and his experience with Tibo - it's quite reflective of the Doctor, too. She wasn't there, and Gallifrey burnt. And Ryan is realising this now, and really thinking about the potential future in Orphan 55. I think this is absolutely foreshadowing Ryan leaving at the end of the season (there's been a lot of speculation given Tosin's new TV role), and I think Ryan and Yaz' discussion at the end of the episode was a definite hint in the direction of Ryan choosing to going back to Earth.

Would have really liked Graham, during his talk with the Doctor, to gently remind her that she can talk about her own problems, although I can understand the narrative choice on why she didn't (although, yeah, would have been good for Graham to ask). Because, yeah, if anyone needs a sympathetic ear (...sans fingers) or a shoulder to lean on, it's her!! The entire theme of this episode was like... reaching out. Conquering your fears with the help of others. Sharing your fears to lessen them. Getting help. And the Doctor deliberately... not doing that makes it into an actual Thing that I think is going to seriously be addressed by the end of the season.

It's been such an ongoing theme. A bunch of episodes have started with an obviously depressed Doctor. The Fam has tried to raise the issue multiple times and have discussed it amongst themselves even more. Scenes like Yaz' reaction after being abducted in Spyfall (...which makes her, "I thought I was dead" part even more worrying) and being comforted by Ryan, not the Doctor... her whole reaction to Graham being like, "I'm glad you talked to me but I literally can't do the same in return" - if it's not addressed by the end of this season, it's at least going to have to be an ongoing theme, because it's becoming very deliberate now.

An interesting note: the actor who played Zellin (an immortal manipulator of nightmares) also voiced the Remnants (who were the first to mention the Timeless Child in The Ghost Monument). Coincidence or deliberate?

Assorted thoughts:

"I'm still quite socially awkward." There's socially awkward and there's emotionally repressed... (I saw a description of it on Tumblr as 'weaponised dissociation' and... yeah. And also yikes.) Also the way she was so closed in on herself, basically hugging her arms to her body! On a semi-related note, talking to herself in Aleppo was a bit depressing. Like it's continuing the theme of The Doctor Does Not Like Being Alone.

The finger thing - ew ew ew ew it's in their EARS ewww D:

Stylistic comment: the traditionally-styled animation for the Immortals' game was gorgeous.

"Try not freak out, yeah, but you're on a floating space platform trapped in a gravitational pull between two colliding planets."

"Thanks for lending a helping hand!" Companions just being, "...Doctor p l s."

On an old lore note, loved the callback to Eternals, Guardians, and the Toymaker! On a concerning note, man, the Doctor has so many issues with immortals. They abandoned Jack, there was the punishment they gave the Family of Blood, they had those Issues with Ashildr (from what I've read), now this, an eternal punishment with no chance of redemption, perhaps because she knows what immortality does? Parallels with the Doctor as quasi-immortal too, which Zellin even pointed out.

"You're wrong about humans. They're not pathetic. They're magnificent. They live with their fears, doubts, guilt. They face them down everyday and they prevail. That's not weakness. That's strength. That's what humanity is."

(Contrast: "That's what humanity is." The Doctor isn't human. She's not prevailing against her fears, doubts, and guilt.)

In conclusion, literally everyone but the creepy immortals needs a hug.

-

The Haunting of Villa Diodati

Thoughts on Doctor Who - The Haunting Of Villa Diodati!

tfw you think you're just going to get a nice spoopy historical and instead get major plot?

Overall impression: Well, Jack is going to be pretty miffed, given that the Doctor had to do precisely what he didn't want to happen - giving the Lone Cyberman what it wanted. To save Shelley, and also to save the future, although that does bring up the question on if the death of one person can rewrite the future, why doesn't that apply to literally everyone? Fletcher the valet and Elise the nurse died too, do their deaths have the same impact? Either way, the Doctor takes the Cyberium for herself - then realises that the Cybermen are inevitable, and returns it. And now she's trying to go and stop them. So... a bit conflicting in the message there, I think.

Yeah. Bit of a Trolley Problem there.

The characters were really fun. I did enjoy seeing Mary's sense of morbidness, but also her kindness and sympathy towards the Cyberman; you can see the foundations of Frankenstein there. I'm seeing some criticism of how Byron was portrayed as a coward, but eh. Nice little callback to Ada. Also I love how one of the rules was 'no one snog Byron'. Put that dirty boy back, you don't know where he's been! Glad Claire realised that too, although historically, she was already pregnant with his daughter at that point (and that didn't go well at all)... Either way. Good display of all these bright young reckless things.

(And yes, they were young. Byron was the eldest at 28. Shelley was 23, Polidori was 20, Mary and Claire were just 18. And while Claire lived to 80 and Mary to her 50s, the three men all died young, too - Byron at 36, Shelley at 29 - yes, from drowning, Polidori at just 25. Also wasn't mentioned that Polidori also created something on that Dark And Stormy Night along with Mary's Frankenstein - he wrote The Vampyre, the first modern vampire story!)

The Lone Cyberman (and I am deliberately using that instead of 'Ashad') - creepy as shit. Not just the whole Frankenstein look, but the way he acted! Not emotionless and blank, but actively manipulative and sadistic! Mary showed empathy and he actively threw it back in her face! I mean, yikes.

House was terrific and also spooky as hell. (Am lowkey miffed that no one went "VIBE CHECK!") The jumbled layout was quite Castrovalva, and I actually really dig that Graham got to see some actual ghosts. Ghostly sandwiches!

I think we got actual confirmation here that Yaz does have feelings for the Doctor? (Bleeding Cool News is pretty sure that it was for Ryan, but... lmao no.) BBCA twitter certainly thinks so!

Claire: "His answers only increase the enigma." Yaz: "I know someone like that." Claire: "This enigmatic person of yours... would you trade them for reliable and dull?" Yaz: "My person's a bit different..."

I MEAN.

(It got deleted. So. There is that.)

Thirteen: "Hmm. Fourteenth... no. Fifteenth century... touch more umami." (Doctor, have you been playing Detroit: Become Human again?)

Mary: "I don't think they're really from the colonies!" Byron: "No, she... is from somewhere much, much stranger." Polidori: "The North."

Thirteen: "YOU HAD ONE JOB."

Cyberman: "You appear courageous. But your vital signs betray a heightened state of anxiety." Thirteen: "Or as I like to call it... Tuesday."

Thirteen: "Yeah, 'cause sometimes this team structure isn't flat. It's mountainous, with me at the summit, in the stratosphere, alone. Left to choose. Save the poet, save the universe. Watch people burn now, or tomorrow. Sometimes even I can't win."

Claire: "You pursued Mrs Doctor without a care for my presence, belittled my thoughts and opinions... and then proceeded to use my person as a human shield." Byron: "...And?" Claire: "And the spell is broken... my lord." Polidori's face: "haha you fucked up dude"

Next week: Shit Hits The Fan.

-

Ascension of the Cybermen

In lieu of a proper post for Ascension of the Cybermen, here are a list of questions we need an answer for.

Will Graham and Yaz survive, on a giant carrier full of Cybermen?

Who is Brendan, and what is his relevance to the story?

What is the Boundary?

How is Gallifrey in the Boundary?

How was the Master in Gallifrey, and not trapped by the Kasaavin?

Who is Ko Sharmus and why am I getting Yana vibes?

Who is Ashad and what is his story? (And why is his theme such a literal banger?)

Is he an actual Cyberman? Because I'm totally getting this impression he's human in armour?

How did Brendan survive being shot, and why did his non-ageing father and mentor do that?

Why did it look like a chameleon arch?

Is Ethan's tech-savvy just warzone familiarity or something more sinister?

Are there any other large human populations left?

Was I detecting a hint of romantic tension between Graham and Ravio?

What's up with Yaz?

Why did the Cyberium get sent to that time period?

Who or what is this alliance Jack is a part of?

How do the Time Lords and the lie of the Timeless Child come into it?

WHO THE FUCK IS BRENDAN?

-

The Timeless Children

WELL THEN.

While I gather proper thoughts on The Timeless Children, here are the questions I had from Ascension of the Cybermen, now with answers!

Will Graham and Yaz survive, on a giant carrier full of Cybermen?

Yup! Disguises for the win!

Who is Brendan, and what is his relevance to the story?

Brendan is a filtered overlay memory of one of the Doctor's former lives.

What is the Boundary?

An anomaly, as far as I can tell.

How is Gallifrey in the Boundary?

No idea!

How was the Master in Gallifrey, and not trapped by the Kasaavin?

No idea!

Who is Ko Sharmus and why am I getting Yana vibes?

A big damn hero.

Who is Ashad and what is his story? (And why is his theme such a literal banger?)

We're still not actually sure. Either way, he's an action figure now.

Is he an actual Cyberman? Because I'm totally getting this impression he's human in armour?

Yeah, sort of.

How did Brendan survive being shot, and why did his non-ageing father and mentor do that?

Because Time Lords.

Why did it look like a chameleon arch?

It's probably related technology! If the chameleon arch rewrites memories, this one just wipes them.

Is Ethan's tech-savvy just warzone familiarity or something more sinister?

Just warzone familiarity. Poor li'l bean.

Are there any other large human populations left?

Possibly! If the Boundary really did send them to random places, there still could be surviving pockets elsewhere in the universe.

Was I detecting a hint of romantic tension between Graham and Ravio?

Maybe a bit XD And now they're all on Earth, who knows?

What's up with Yaz?

Who knows?

Why did the Cyberium get sent to that time period?

Ko Sharmus sent it. Didn't send it far enough.

Who or what is this alliance Jack is a part of?

Same organisation Ko Sharmus is part of. Also, young!Ko Sharmus/Jack please.

How do the Time Lords and the lie of the Timeless Child come into it?

In so many ways.

WHO THE FUCK IS BRENDAN?

The Doctor!

More thoughts later!

-

Thoughts on Doctor Who - The Timeless Children.

...Actually, first thought is the title. Timeless Children? Hmm.

Anyway. That is... sure a literally mind-blowing revelation for the Doctor, yes! Like, damn, the discovery that you're not even the species you thought you were, that your adoptive parent spent lifetimes abusing and experimenting on you, that your memories were routinely erased by people you thought you could trust (including your adoptive parent), that you're literally the progenitor for your entire species, that you've lost who knows how much time and who knows how many memories... yeah. Damn.

What's an appropriate birthday present for someone turning ten million?

Also, huh. Amidst all the old lore and casual mentions (like Borusa!) that got mentioned - were they taking hints from the Cartmel master plan? About the Doctor being some kind of founding figure for Gallifrey? Not exactly written as Cartmel had it, but that big main concept of the Doctor as a sort of... foundation piece of Time Lord culture was still actually there.

Brain of Morbius Doctors confirmed, I guess. I guess even Four was going, "...the fuck?"

Cybermen = still scary. Regenerating Cybermen = felt somehow obscene. Like, no, that's just fundamentally not right. Like the TARDIS responding to Jack by noping the fuck out kind of not right. God. And the Master was completely and utterly magnificently batshit, like, more than usual, come on, dude, you know they'd kill or convert you the second you turned your back.

Still. Deeply, deeply entertaining to watch just from a villain perspective, completely Chaotic, and like... I do understand where he was coming from? His entire life is a lie. His entire life is because of the Doctor, who, I think it's fair to say, he has Complicated Feelings regarding. (Their entire interaction this episode was a giant power play. Like damn guys just get into BDSM and leave the would-be genocide and universal takeover.)

Tecteun = Rassilon, I'm assuming. Goddamn. Like they were a pompous abusive asshole from the outset, this just kind of makes it worse. I also wonder if Rassilon chose the Master specifically to get the drums because he was friends with the Doctor? That actually may have been something the Master worked out himself, too. I mean, I'd be pissed off as well :-\

Also, how many people know about this? I assume Gat knew, since she was implied to be responsible for the mind wipes, but was it like... a super tightly-held secret or was it something a lot of higher-ups knew? Because that's fucked up tbh

Thought on the Master. Okay, he's hugely furious that he's been lied to, that the entire origin of his people is based on a lie, that his greatest friendrivalloveenemy is incredibly special and that a part of her is in him and not in the fun way, but like... I'm also wondering if he's looking at the Time Lords, the way they turned him into their puppet, how they drove him insane for their own purposes, then looked at the Doctor - someone who has also been used, abused, experimented on, manipulated, controlled, and went, "No. This is an injustice and the Time Lords need to be punished for it."

Oh, saw a nice theory regarding the TARDISes - Ruth!Doctor had the original busted police box TARDIS. When she was eventually taken in to be mind-erased, they sent the TARDIS off to storage to be eventually repaired. The Doctor manages to steal that one, goes to Earth, and it immediately gets stuck again because it's still broken. Explains how Ruth!Doctor can have the police box while also being pre-everything.

I really want the Doctor and Jack to sit down and have a nice chat about being timeless undying constants of the universe. Also for Jack to get one of the spare TARDISes around. Be kinda funny if he got the Master's old one, given the Year That Never Was, but it really is just sitting there. (Poor TARDIS stuck as a tree on a random wartorn planet in the far future, though!)

Also, Jodie was fucking magnificent in this episode. The hurt, the absolute fury, the almost glee when she's telling the Master he can't break her, her refusal to press the button at the end (so much like Nine's "coward or killer?" moment!)... just... so good.

Beautiful post I saw here on Tumblr - the Doctor as the Timeless Child, making the choice to help.

Amazing post here on Tumblr about abuse and repressed memories. Even if the Doctor doesn't remember it all, the abuse they underwent at the hands of a beloved parent figure still informs a hell of a lot of their behaviour, but it doesn't define them. The Doctor's need to run = informed by abuse. The Doctor's desire to help crying children = informed by abuse. The Doctor being an inherently good person = being their own person, no matter what their upbringing, no matter what their past was. They made the choice to be the Doctor, and that's a hell of an important thing.

Extremely painful post I saw on Tumblr about the Doctor being 'hip with the kids' by calling her companions her Fam but hell if they're not more family to her than her actual adoptive mother ow my heart.

Also, the scene between Yaz and Graham was so sweet <3 I do want to see Yaz, at some point, admit that sometimes she's so terrified she can barely move, and to tell him what she came so close to doing when she was sixteen, and Graham to just go, "Yeah, but you keep going." Also I'm trying not to think about how Yaz would respond to the Doctor going off on a suicide mission when Yaz was suicidal just three years earlier because ow my heart. She knows that Ko Sharmus went after her, she knows the Doctor might be alive, but either way, she's just seen someone she loves leave with the intention of dying (and Ko Sharmus too, actually). Someone please give her a hug. Actually please just let the Fam have a big group hug in general.

"Have you ever been limited by who you were before?" "Huh. Now that does sound like me talking."

So, remaining questions to be answered next season!

What actually is the Doctor? Since they were found near the Boundary, they could be from anywhere. It's fair to say they now are recognised genetically as a Time Lord, but what were they originally, why were they abandoned in the first place, and are there any more of their original people out there?

How do the Remnants know about the Timeless Child, or were they just picking up on that unconscious knowledge from the Doctor's own mind?

Like... we're generally under agreement that the Master, the eternal cockroach, survived, right? Despite definitely being lowkey suicidal like oh, was hoping the Death Particle would kill me? Like the Death Particle was made by the Cyberium, it could have gone, "Nah, keeping this one."

What's going on with the Kasaavin? Remember them? Still out there, stationed all through time and space? And are we going to see Daniel Barton again?

Is something going on with Yaz?

Will the Fam stay on? (I personally think Ryan will elect to stay on Earth to account for Tosin Cole's new TV role, and if Graham and Ravio enter a relationship, he might too.)

When will we see Jack again? If he was connected to the Lone Cyberman arc, that seems... pretty conclusively finished, unless we're going to learn more about it?

Is it Christmas yet?

............so the Christmas/NY special is going to start with Jack using his vortex manipulator to bust the Doctor out of prison and get back to the Fam and it'll never be mentioned again, right.

"At least buy me diNNER!!"

[fixation-nation]

Chapter 1: Adding that to Wikipedia.

Type: Ghostwalkers.

Species: Humans.

Ability: Ghost Walking? Idunno man there isnt much info on this shit.

Details:

Human beings that have the ability to Ghost Walk, transform their bodies into a ghost like state, either visible or invisible and move around like a ghost (through walls, etc) and possibly more, but yet unknown. There is hardly any information about them since they are harmless, but mischievious. They act like spirits because they seem fun in it, a way to use their power as to not go entirely mad from the build up ectoplasmic energy they absorb?? Dad never wrote much about it....but Sam found an old file, to im writing this down now to. Maybe one day we'll meet one, apparently theyre when a normal ghost banishing doesnt works you can force them to show themselves, using some cloth, Lavender Oil and then light it on fire, they apparently hate the smell of Lavender.

Then a dull smack was heard, and a deep sigh as someone sat back, the chair giving a creak. The sigh came from none other then Dean Winchester, who had done his best to write this down as an addition to their dads old diary. They had to keep track of the creatures, since there were god knows how many other fucking things around them ready to attack. And hey when you hear theres a possible haunting around the local University, you better do some research! Well atleast thats what Sam had told him, and with much grumbling Dean had gotten onto Sam's laptop. His brother was out, trying to gather some information at a local 'Witch Store' as people called it, trying to find them Lavender Oil as well, just incase.

Dean had stayed behind, finding it hard to belief why a fucking University would be haunted since there werent cases about any deaths in the building, or on the grounds before it was a University. It was honestly a bit confusing....but who knows, what fucked up ghost decided to torment people around Sam's age. He just shrugged it off, tossing the diary back into his bag and moving to the tv, lifting his feet onto the table and putting his favorite show on, chuckling at the silly soap opera, mumbling along lines as he got the bottle of whiskey from the side, having left it there because a cold stream hit it just right, and man, did he enjoy his booze nice and cold.

Over the next few days, Sam went to pretend to be a student that was saying he was possibly moving here and needed a school transfer, thus wanting to attend a few days to gather some information...and Dean? Dean had to be a fucking Nightguard! God he was so pissed about it, but honestly the work turned out to be not that much in the end...which he did enjoy. Now a few days in he was sitting in the little Nightguard's office, feet on the desk and a soda in his hand, and eyes fixated on the camera's.

He had texted Sam a few times, having done a couple rounds already to where the Ghost sightings were made....but so far he had found zero traces to a ghost occurance. Honestly it felt a little like someone knew that he was here for that, but when he heard a noise, and saw a few classroom doors open, and then a couple of lockers, his eyes flew open. He quickly grabbed the torch and his bag, having stuffed some cloth, lavender oil and a hox of matches in it. He flicked the torch on and headed off slowly, green eyes fixed on the doors that were now wide open....yet no traces of a ghost, that was....odd?

He looked around the doors, even inside the classrooms.....but when he still found no evidence of a ghost he scratched his neck and looked around with a frown. He set the bag down and went for his phone, pressing Sam's number. It went over a few times before he heard his brothers voice "Yeh what is it Dean?? I just got out of the shower" he heard Sam say, giving a deep sigh. "Yeh about that ghost, what about the shit you made me record?? Does it say anything about them leaving traces or sumthin'??" He asked, smacking his lips a little in annoyance.

Then he heard Sam opening the laptop, or he assumed so, hearing the clicks of a keyboard, and soon his voice again. "Well not that i can find....so assuming they are just born as normal humans with just that gift, maybe they dont leave traces behind? Since they are alive?? Do you think thats what we're dealing with??". "Maybe..." Dean said as he hung up and shoved his phone back into his pocket and moved back to the hallway. After he tried this he had to try and delete that part from the security tapes....no biggie.

He set his bag against a locker, easily fishing the oil, cloth and matches from it. He snatched a metal bowl he had gotten as well, well hey he isnt gonna burn the building down okay! He isnt that stupid. He tossed the cloth into the bowl, pouring the lavender oil ontop of it. He cringed at the smell, well no fucking wonder Ghostwalkers came out because of this shit, if he was one he would to....it stank worse then his dirty socks, holy shit.

Then he stroke a match, the light filling up a small space, it felt comforting....he always likes to watch the flames, ah no need for mushy stuff right now. He tossed the match into he bowl, fire lighting up....and that godforsaken smell filling up the hallway. He nearly gagged at the scent, this is why he cant have good things damnit! He watched the flames burn brightly, and then all of a sudden he heard a noise, the sound of someone gagging.

And when he turned around he was facing a Ghost, well probably not an actual ghost. But he was see-through, average clothes, messy hair, round glasses....heh, nerd. Then within seconds the 'Ghost' fell, a heavy thud resonating through the hallway. He gave a slight chuckle, ah so it had been a Ghostwalker huh?? Sneaky little shits. He walked over, pulling the guy up by the collar, but he didnt seem to react... Are you kidding me?! It gets them out cold to?! Ah man.....just Dean's luck again. Dean gave a deep sigh as he pulled the guy up, over his shoulder. Back to the office till the asshat wakes up.

(Note: This will simply be set in the first season of Supernatural, ive recently gotten back into the fandom but havent gotten a site to rewatch *i only got as far as meet Cas*. Also yes this is a Dean x OC, because i can and i will, Dean deserves someone that can scare the living daylight outta him, its my first attempt at writing properly in years, so please respect this :3).

[whence-the-woody]

Finale commentary under the cut

So I wanted to kind of liveblog as I was watching but held back so these are my remembered reactions/second watch reactions

Bummed there was no song recap but quickly figured itd play at the end

PUPPY. Best part of the ep, lbr, Dean was so cute with him

Theyre really doing a cheesey life montage huh - still not clear whether monsters are a thing in this new world?

I was watching the mins tick by during this first montage like OKAY we get it, cheesey happy home life, move along. There was only 40 mins left of the whole show like get on with it, it went way too long 

We definately needed to restablished that Sam is neat while Dean is messy. Totally necessary to spend time on that. Also didnt Dean get houseproud when they moved into the bunker?? What happened to that?

OMG get on with it

Then becomes apparent that hunting is still a thing. Which if so what was the point of showing then doing fucking laundry and dishes while “Ordinary life” plays - if its not just an ordinary life?

At this point i thought it might go the route of them being listless without hunting as a job but then murder scene so I guess not

This whole pie sequence is stupid and a waste of time, we all know it

Dean being a cold, heartless bitch about everyone being dead. Aces. Not unexpected but still just great. How dare you be so happy about pie fuck you dude. 

DOES ANYONE REMEMBER EILEEN

Pie is the face is not funny my dudes come the fuck on

I started skipping through during the murder scene. I was bored. Like, I dont care about tension building to the murder of a family we dont fucking know. Ive always skipped these scenes, what is the damn point. Its not scary or interesting. 

GET ON WITH IT

Same old FBI bullshit. Nice to see the journal again I guess. But like, this is STILL what we’re doing? In the very last ep? Same old, different day, just like 15 years ago. Really?

Singer and Kripke. Subtle. 

I skipped through the interrogation too. I dont find the scary brother act cool or entertaining 

15 mins in and nothing has happened

Theyre trying so hard to give Dean jokes and nothing is landing, its so cringe just stop

The way the little clown faces pop up - if that supposed to be scary? Really? Its all just so silly rn

Watching it again I realise just how easy this hunt is. The answer is in the journal. They find the exact family. They find the exact barn. The kids are just stood in a cupboard. This is what takes Dean out, really? Its not even a normal hunt, its a way too fucking easy one. 

I do not remember this chick or what ep she was in, maybe theres some parallell or foreshadowing by bringing her back but if there is I dont get it

Bottom line if youre gonna bring people back WHY THE FUCK THIS RANDOM GIRL

I knew so fast he was gonna go out like that. Hanging from a fucking nail

I kept saying out loud not like this, no way, this is so stupid, its so stupid omg

I paused and tried to talk myself into putting aside how stupid and awkward it was for him to be doing this scene hanging off a pole and just try to invest in the emotion of the speech. Which I achieved at times

but why was is so awkward tho?? Just the way hes stood pressed against it is fucking weird. Also 1000% Sam couldve gotten help and he wouldve been FINE. It took so long for them to talk, an ambulance couldve been there before they were done, there was no need for this

Okay the speech did make me cry once I pep talked myself into being invested. The reference to being scared Sam would reject him, the I love you so much, Sam saying dont leave me, the stay with me and tell me its okay - all those moments got me and I did cry. I appreciated the family business line. I liked Jensen telling Jared he always keeps fighting, that was a nice reference. 

BUT there were also those moments that made me scoff, roll my eyes or laugh. The whole “always you and me” bullshit especially. The second I knew he was going to say I’ll be in your heart I yelled at them to no do it, I hate that cheesey move, then literally was like “oh my god, he did it”. It WAS NOT always going to end like this - so much of the last 15 years was proving him wrong about that. This is all just so wrong, it is not good. 

Jensen and Jared did a good job with what they were given in this scene but my god

The audacity of the Cas erasure- always you and me. FUCK YOU. 

I laughed out loud when his last shot was a One Perfect Tear. I was literally like “Oh wow they did that”

DEAN DESERVED A BETTER DEATH

It also kinda loses all impact when you see him like 2 mins later

MIRACLE IS THE REAL MVP ILY

Theyre really doing another montage. Really. Like we get it, hes sad, we didnt need the toast to understand that

Omg Miracle by his side. The best of bois. 

Looking around his room like beer and guns was all dean was. Sure. Aces. 

I choose to believe Bon Jovi was a ref to before Dean went to hell

If Donna is back why isnt anyone else?!?

Oh Jared you look so old bby. Go home. He looks older there then later in the ridiculous make up

Why is that shot made to look like hes leaving the bunker forever?? Like that makes no sense

Bobby greeting him is nice and all BUT IT SHOULDVE BEEN CAS

Also they are 1000% doing the show don’t tell by having Bobby just sit and explain everything. SO FUCKING LAZY

Cas has been out of the empty, helping rebuild heaven. Okay, fine. Even Dean’s reaction to hearing that was fine. BUT YOU ASK WHERE YOUR FUCKING BEST FRIEND IS AND GO SEE HIM. WHO IS THIS VERSION OF DEAN WTF

I know people are upset Cas is back working in heaven but I dont think its anything like before. It sounds like he helped fixed things then got his own heaven. Also he’s God’s Dad, hes not serving God, hes teaching him. I know human Cas done right is what we wanted but I dont hate this for him. BUT WE SHOULD HAVE FUCKING SEEN IT. 

Why is a memory of being a kid with his Dad what Dean is reminiscing on. They have literally reverted him back to s1. There are so many memories dean should be thinking about in fucking heaven

Hes going for a drive

Hes going for a motherfucking drive

In the car he was just in

WHY THE FUCK IS HE ACTING LIKE HE HASNT SEEN BABY IN YEARS WHAT IS THIS SHIT

Hes going to drive around doing nothing until Sam gets there are you fucking kidding me. Not going to see any of his family from the last 15 years, just driving. Absolute horseshit. 

This is the moment where you realise that this episode has changed NOTHING. This is the same ending as the last ep except theyre in heaven not on earth

ITS THE EXACT SAME FUCKING THING

Okay so they skip over how Sam went from going on a hunt to walking with a toddler. OMG how unsubtle that they have literally just labelled the child Dean in big yellow letters. I couldnt help but laugh, how fucking stupid. 

I did get a bit teary when the music started I’ll be honest. But mostly through the whole montage (ANOTHER ONE) I was saying to myself This is so fucking stupid. omg this is dumb, what the fuck is this, so stupid.

They literally did a montage so long they had to play the song twice. Im just done at this point wow. 

The old man make up is so bad I just laughed. The only pictures being of the 4 of them, reinforcing the Winchester only bullshit, great. Not even pics of this new random family Sam’s got. The painfully cliche Dad moments for Sam, again so bad its funny. Omg the hand on the head of this random kid, this is so ridiculous. Old man sam in his bad wig trying so hard to move like hes old and crying in the impala. Wtf is happening, this is SO STUPID 

I thought theyd cast a more attractive son I’ll be honest. So he has the tattoo - are they a hunting family? Because that would go against both s1 Sam they’ve tried to go back to and the s15 Sam they build up to for all those years

I know they were going for an emotional parallel with that “you can go now” but this random man saying it to Sam in that make up, with the music cue lined up right there - its just funny coz its so dumb im sorry

I cant believe they actually played another different version, I’ll never get over that

Theres alot of things I’ll never get over

Is this bridge supposed to mean something? They shouldve picked a setting that meant something

I know theyre trying so hard to make Dean look happy and peaceful to convince us its a good ending but sis no

I laughed out loud when Dean turned around - WHAT IS THAT OUTFIT SAM?

Really, they have nothing to say? No questions, no convo? They just have cheesey smiles and look over the water? This is so wrapped up in a fucking bow trying to force us to feel good my god

The cut almost immediately to them talking to the camera, still in character getup, was so cringe I yelled and turned it off

And they pan out to literally none of the people we want to see . Great, Good. 

LITERALLY WHAT WAS THE POINT 

[fiftyshadesgrl]

He saved me/ part 9

Summary: reader is in a abusive relationdhip. When things take a turn for the worst she finds help in the winchesters.

Warning: this story will have smut, language, violence, abuse and torture. If youre triggered by any of this i suggest not reading.

6 months later....

Me and bobby were sitting at the table eating the homemade lasanga and garlic bread i had made when his phone started to ring. He leaned over and with one hand snatched the phone from its cradle never faltering with his other hand that had a fork full of lasanga.

"Yeah?" Bobby said evenly. "Alright what time will you be in?" Bobby glanced my direction, i smiled warmly at him and he just stared. "Alright see you in a few."

He sighed when he hung up, "that was sam." I perked up at the mention of his name. I hadnt seen him in so long and to be honest i missed him. "Theyre going to stop by, need some info on a hunt."

I smiled, "thats great! I miss that boy." Then it hit me. "Wait, you said they. That means.."

He nodded, "yeah deans gonna be here too. Sam wanted to give you a heads up before they get here. Ya know, just in case you wanna bolt."

I thought about it long and hard, would seeing dean bring up all those old feelings ive been burying since i left? Would he even be happy to see me? Would he be mad? Would he even acknowledge i was here?

I sighed and gave him a small smile that im sure didnt reach my eyes. "Ill be alright bobby, ive got dinner dishes to do and plenty to keep me occupied. If i know dean hes gonna want food so ill fix them a plate when they get here then you wont even know im here."

We finished our dinner and when i stood to take our plates i asked, "what time will they be here?"

"Id say about another hour."

I nodded and made my way to the kitchen to get started on the dishes and to clean up.

An hour and a half later there was a knock on the door. I could hear from the kitchen.

"Hiya bobby." Sam said.

"Good to see ya boys." Bobby said sounding cheerful.

"Doing some spring cleaning bobby?" That was the voice that has haunted me for the past 6 months. I could almost smell him from where i stood. That comforting feeling blanketed me just by hearing his voice. I sighed to myself knowing he didnt know i was here.

I took the lasanga and plated a huge piece for sam and dean, along with placing the garlic bread in the basket from earlier. I took a deep breath and took my first steps out towards the boys.

I walked up behind them where they sat at the table, i set down the plates in front of them. Both men jerked in response then our eyes met.

"(Y/N)!" Sam jumped up from his spot at the table and engulfed me in a huge hug.

"Hey sammy, its good to see you." I was geniunely happy to see him.

He pulled back and inspected me, "you look great. How are you doing?"

"Better than i was last time you saw me." I said matter of factly and im sure dean knew what incident i was talking about.

"What the hell?" Dean said still in shock i think.

"Hey dean." I said in a flat tone. His brow furrowed at that.

"How long have you been here?" He asked.

"6 months." I said over my shoulder making my way to get their drinks. When i turned around from the fridge dean was standing there behind me.

"You have been here this whole time and never contacted me? Ive been going crazy not knowing where you were." Dean sounded mad, the nerve.

I straightend my spine to stand as tall as i could, "you made it pretty clear that night what you wanted."

"Damn it (Y/N), thats not fair."

I chuckled, "lifes not fair dean, you of all people should know that. Now go back and eat. I cant stand for food to be wasted."

"We are not done here." He said through gritted teeth.

I pushed past him but turned around right before i walked out. "Yeah dean, we are." With that i placed the drinks on the table and walked upstairs.

I changed into my running clothes the same ones i wore the night me and dean had sex. He thinks he has a hold on me well im going to remind him just what he walked out on.

I hopped down the stairs and put my hair up in a high ponytail. I hooked my ipod to my armband and slipped my tennis shoes on. All eyes focused on me when i walked into the dining room.

"Im going for a run, dont stay up to late old man." I walked over to bobby and kissed his cheek.

He smiled up at me "be careful."

"Dont worry, ill be fine." I looked to sam and dean and didnt fail to notice the lust in his eyes. "If you boys are gone before i get back, its been nice seeing ya again."

Sam stood and gave me a hug and a peck on the cheek. Dean didnt move didnt even look at me. I slapped him on the shoulder, "see ya deano."

With that i made my way outside. I started stretching my muscles when i got out in the warm air. I was getting ready to start my run when i heard the front door open behind me.

"(Y/N), we need to talk." Deans voice sent a chill up my spine but i tried my best to ignore it. I closed my eyes and sighed as i turned towards him.

"Have you found parker yet?"

Dean shook his head.

"Then we have nothing to talk about." I said as i started walking up the driveway. Dean was close behind me.

"Yes we do. You cant run from me forever."

I picked up my pace to a light jog, "tell ya what. If you can keep up we can talk."

I started running faster, i knew dean didnt do running. I heard him huffing then stop all together. I smiled over my shoulder at him then put my ear buds in and cranked up my music.

When i got back to bobbys an hour later the impala was still parked in the driveway. I rolled my eyes and opened the front door. I heard the guys talking in the living room then i heard my name come up.

"I dont know what to do. (Y/N) just wont talk to me." That was dean.

"Maybe she will come around. I mean you walked out on her at the worst time in her life." I recognized that as sam. He was taking up for me.

"Did she never mention anything to you? I mean she has been here for half a year." Dean asked bobby.

"She never talked to me about anything. I wasnt going to force her." Bobby said sounding aggitated.

"You mean to tell me after all this time you two living under the same roof nothing has come up about that night?"

I heard a glass slam down on the table. "You calling me a liar?"

I figured id show my face before it got more heated. "Im back, gonna grab a shower then head to bed."

Bobby nodded and i dashed up the stairs before anyone could say anything else. After my shower i walked down stairs to get a bottle of water. The guys were talking about some kind of lore and really didnt pay me no mind.

I walked back upstairs but instead of going to bed i went into the other spare room and started sorting files and cleaning up.

I almost had all the files organized and in their own seperate piles, i just had to put them in the file cabinet. A certain file caught my eye, the name sounded so familiar. Patrick windsor, i opened the file and gasped. It was parkers father.

I started reading through the file and it had all kinds of locations where he had been at and owned. Apparently patrick was a demon as well, working for lucifer himself. I was so focused on the file that i didnt hear someone approaching.

"Couldnt sleep?" Deans rough voice sounded from the doorway. I looked up and he was sipping yet another beer.

"No, i came up here to sort through all of this." I said in a flat tone, hoping he would just go away. I didnt want to discuss anything with dean right now. Instead he walked in and took a seat in the chair right across from me.

He didnt say a word, just sat there watching me. After a few minutes it started to get under my skin. "Why are you in here?" I asked a little snippy.

He smiled, "for you." I rolled my eyes and continued placing the files in different stacks. "Come on (Y/N), you cant ignore me forever."

"Its worked for six months."

He sighed heavily and stood up. Walking over to where i was sitting on the floor. I thought he might leave but instead he sat down next to me.

"I know i hurt you, but i was only looking out for your well being." He ran a hand through his hair, "ive learned that in this life we dont get love. We dont get happily ever afters. A hunter can retire and ward off whats out there. Like bobby, he lost his wife a long time ago and has never got close to anyone since. A hunters family and loved ones are never safe."

I nodded letting him talk, this is a side that i doubt many people ever saw of dean. I felt a little honored that he would open up to me, so i let him continue.

"That night when you told me you loved me it scared the hell out of me. Not because i dont want you, because you have already been through so much. You cant and shouldnt fall for me. Youre just going to get hurt or worse."

I nodded and placed the file i was holding down beside me. "I understand where youre coming from, but you cant push everyone away dean."

He shook his head, "i dont think you do. I tried the whole leave this life behind and have a family thing. She had a son, i thought of him like my own. I loved her and for a minute i was happy. Then a demon possesed her and tried to kill her right in front of me and her son. We got her to the hospital and cas healed her but i also asked him to take away all of lisa and bens memories of me. That was hard to see a woman and kid i loved look at me a different way than they had that morning. Never knowing who i was, but it was better for them, if i had never came into their lives in the first place it wouldnt have happened. So i just made things right, the way they shouldve been."

A silent tear fell from my eyes hearing dean talk about what he has went through. I now truly understood his hesitance about getting close to people. Instead of making me hate him it made me love him that much more, but i could never act upon it again. He downed the rest of his beer and sat the bottle down next to his leg.

"Dean, im sorry for everything you have went through. I have never had someone who truly loved me so i wouldnt know how that feels." I figured since he opened up to me it was only fair that i do the same. "At first i thought parker loved me. I just got so blinded by his words. I never had a family i was in the system until i was 15, then i ran away and never looked back. I was prostituting to make rent and for a little food, then i met parker. He took me in, sweet talked me, made empty promises on marrying me having children and having anything i would ever wanted. I fell for it and that has led me to where i am now."

"You can still have that life. Get married, have a family."

I shook my head, "no parker done so much damage to me that he destroyed the chance of me ever having children."

He opened his mouth to say something but i cut him off. "I never knew what love was, until i met you. Youre just so easy to fall for, but i know now that you dont feel the same way."

"(Y/N)....."

"Let me finish." He nodded and i continued. "Just because you dont love me doesnt make you less of a person. Youre a great guy and i hope one day you can prove youself wrong."

He looked down at the floor, when he looked up his eyes had tears in them. I placed a hand on his that he had on his leg. "Its okay dean, dont beat yourself up." Just as he was about to say something sam appeared in the doorway.

"I think we may have something on parker."

@an-unhealthy-obsession

[an-art-thing]

Ive got a question for anyone whos willing to take time out of their day to answer it, but also kinda a story time? Cause it’ll better explain the question and I wanna talk ab it, cause its been breathing down my neck for the past like, 9 or 10 years I think.

So my family is pretty normal, pretty decent for the most part, or was pretty decent, idk. I used to never want to leave my Mom’s side, always wanted to stay here where I live still cause its where family is, and family is good. I used to make so many things, create systems that were faulty yes, but also extremely clever, cardboard houses that had working elevators, ac systems, opening roof and so on. I was clever and I knew it, I loved it, hell I was even on top of my entire class. Then around bout when I was 6 or 7, shit changed and I hated it. People stopped caring, I felt extremely abandoned, 2nd grade was when I found my songs (if you understand, im sorry), I was just a furious shadow of myself before hand. Even after everything returned to a normal, or a semi normal, it never stopped affecting me. I became practically co-dependent (im trying to work myself out of that as we speak, pretty hard sometimes though), things started happening that don’t have a proper explanation, just everything was fucked up for me. I tried to fix it and jump into some hobbies like reading or playing video games, crafting and costume making, and so on. But I dropped every single one over and over again. Even now I still do, because im used to people shutting me down. I show someone a drawing im super proud of, no matter how shitty it is because I actually achieved something, and all they say is “cool” or “nice” and don’t feed my excitement, just drown it in a tone that says “I don’t care ab that”. It was fine at first but started getting so much worse to the point I just gave up. I started shutting myself down because I knew what they would say, I knew and I hated that. My grades dropped from straight A’s to B’s and C’s and that was the end of the world to my parents apparently. I started cheating just to please them and started pushing myself to whatever max I had just to fake a smile. I haven’t felt motivated in forever and I just want to feel okay with myself again.

So, now that I’ve bored everyone with my stupid story, my question is: How can I stop shutting myself down?

I know that was stupid and all but it’s a serious question. I want to get back into writing, I want to get back into costume making, I want to get back into reading and making stuffed animals the way i used to. I just want to feel like me even for a fraction of a second.

Edit: i made that post a few years ago but never posted it cause i shut myself down haha- but for me the answer was simply to give myself an end goal, to have many projects started and have due dates for them, and even if i didnt finish them by the due date i had to just tell myself that i did a good job regardless cause i mean ive made it this far, and thats pretty good i thinks. its gonna be a journey for everyone and everyones journey is gonna be different, but becoming my own- praising myself when i knew no one else would- thats what works for me, keeping an end goal and allowing experimentation was what kept me goin- i have finished 4ish plushies since then, 4 hats, a shirt, and a jacket. not to mention the countless drawings ive made not only on my ipad but in my various sketchbooks. And yea that doesnt sound like a lot but for me it is and that’s perfectly fine. but thats what got me up and goin and surprise it wasn’t entirely just me- i had to push past my fears to share my works with my friends, they’ve been helpin me build up my confidence. so if you ever need someone to cheer you on dont be afraid to dm me or send me an ask with ur art and work in it. i dont mind cheerin anyone on- we all gotta start somewhere. <3 love yall ^^

[lukeysgirl]

a little piece of my life

as of recently, my mind has been conjuring memories that i thought i had filed away and burned years ago. 

and for some strange (and rather unfortunate) reason, i can’t seem to be rid of it. so, as ive been told by many, it’s apparent that writing it would put my heart at more ease. 

i hope you guys don’t mind. you dont have to if you dont want to, but ill leave this here. (it’s rather long)

so years ago when i was 13, i met a boy on a video game. now, yes, i understand how that may be silly to many people. and i also know how dangerous it is to be doing such a thing, considering the predatory and lethal actions that occur online. but i just knew he was nothing like that. i just knew. 

so this boy and i met when i was 13 and he was 14. we were in a group skype with a few mates we knew in the game, and as we did, me and him were the only quiet ones. so we were talking in our own chat for a while (in text) and the group then was talking about where we all resided. che had said the state and i was like hey, ditto, but im in the city. he lived one hour away from me. 

one single hour. 60 minutes. sometimes less, depends on traffic. 

he asked for my kik and i gave it to him. that very first day, he went on and on about his girlfriend. not how amazing she is, but how controlling she was. she was the kind of girl who would ask when he’d get home from school, work, soccer practice, etc. she was the girl who would ask persistently which girls he hung out with for the day. she was the girl who got mad when he fell asleep accidentally in their late night chats and would ignore him for days over it. 

i told him to break up with her. i wasn’t in like or love with him at the time, so i wasn’t saying it for my benefit, but for his. and then he took my advice and didn’t talk to me the proceeding day. after that day, he asked for my number, and i gave it to him. 

since then, we texted. almost 24/7. and that’s when we became obsessed with one another. because without us knowing it, we soon fell in love and didn’t dare put the label. and that’s when it only got worse.

for several months, we had a routine. everyday, we would both go to school and text each other as much as we can throughout the classes. i texted him when i was going home, and he’d text me right when he got out of soccer practice. he fell once walking while texting me. then we’d go home, where we’d get on a game speaking app on PC and he would drag me into a private chat and talk to me until we decide to go to bed. offline, we’d hop into bed and start texting each other until 5 in the morning. he would pass out, and i would, too. our alarms would wake us up at 6 am and that’s when we would start talking again. 

1 hour of asleep every night for almost 2 years. and all we did was thrive from it. but then we started breaking. 

he stopped playing the game, and it hadn’t occurred to me that the game had been the way we kept ourselves together like glue. so although we were still obsessed, it was gradually becoming one-sided and struggling to keep at bay. 

and then it finally went to the point where the boy just wouldn’t say much at all. it would be a conversation like this: 

b: hey

me: hi

b: whats up 

me: nm, you

b: same

me: cool 

and then he wouldn’t respond. and this was like this a few months before our second summer was to come. and i was desperate to fix everything before i left to vacation to my country. i didnt have international, so i couldn’t talk to anyone without wifi. so i wanted to use as much time as we had to love before i became inconsistent. so i had asked him to put the damned label, seeing as i thought it was the last thing i could do. 

then he made me his girlfriend. 

the next day, i broke it off. he texted me and i texted him and he stopped responding in the morning so my heart was done. i told him that the label doesn’t feel right and that we don’t feel okay anymore. and he’d just apologize and i said that it was okay and he went silent. and that’s when we stopped talking. 

i went on vacation with a broken heart. 

then he came back around september with a large apology. and of course, i told him how much he hurt me, but i said it was okay. and he was glad i forgave him. then he disappeared again. 

he came back in december and we talked for 6 days until he disappeared again. he said he couldn’t handle it, and that he was sorry. 

then the next year in like, may(?), he came back again. he came back, but this time he tried. he wanted to talk to me, and he did. we spoke. like friends, like how we were. stupid, dorky kids. stupid kids who talk about stupid things like love. stupid kids who both perfectly remembered what we had. stupid kids who grew up and exchanged sadness with one another. 

and then he stopped again. and i concluded that we were done. 

it is 2017, and i met this boy in 2013, and we broke it of 2014 and kept crashing through the rest of that year + 2015. the last words that were uttered was when i congratulated him for his graduation in june of 2016 and he said thank you. and that was our official (in my eyes) goodbye. 

and i no longer cry over it, as im too grown and have college to go through. but i do wonder why my mind has done this to me and if it’s some sort of foreshadowing in the future. 

im sorry if you didn’t like this/ thought it was a waste of time. 

-gabby x 

[crazykendal]

Bored, Single, and Dead

1. What was on your mind mostly today? MOVING ON from some people and why my right arm feels fucking wierd

2. If someone looked on your bed, what would they find? oh shit idkk

3. What’s on your schedule for tomorrow? im going to Tahoe

4. Are you nice to everyone? no

5. Is it possible to be single and happy? for me, no

6. Is it easy for people to make you cry? no but once someone made me cry when I heard them SING for the first time YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE

7. Did you sleep alone last night? I had a sleepover with my sister

8. Do you play with dead bugs? ew no wtf

9. Honestly, are you dating two people? im not even dating one person wth

10. Do you think things will change in the next 3 months? yeah, im going to be dead ass lonely or dead

11. Have you ever slept in the same bed with someone other than family?   nooo

12. Do you want to see somebody right now? yeaahhhh

13. What if you had a baby with the person you like? that's not physically possibly

14. Are you happy? not right now nope

15. Have you ever tripped in public? trippin is my game

16. Is there anyone who doesn’t like you? I sometimes think everone secretly hates me

17. Have you ever sat in the back of a police car? nope

18. Are you stubborn? veRY

19. Do you tend to hold a grudge? yeah, and it can get baddd

20. What’s a fact about the last person that texted you?   oh, well.. they're a scammer

21. Has anyone called you perfect before? nope

22. Where is the biggest scar on your body? my left ankle. I shaved a huge chunk of my skin off and it was baddddd haha

23. Have you ever been told you were amazing? no

24. Would you date someone who was addicted to drugs?

immediate no

25. Are you trying to avoid liking somebody at the moment? well guess what YES and its killlling me

26. Do you trust all your friends? no I cant trust any of them 27. If you could go back and change something in the past 5 months, would you? haha well yeah

28. What pissed you off today? my sister scratches up my arms and it looks like ive tried to cut myself or something

29. What was the last thing you cried about? this one person

30. Who was the last girl you talked to? ^^ same person as ^^

31. Do you know anyone who drinks a lot? no

32. Who sits next to you in English? SCHOOLS OUT BITCHES

33. Ever talked to someone who was drunk? no

34. Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today? yes everything is about them and its driving me crazy

35. How late did you stay up last night and why? I stayed up til 12:30 reenacting Stranger Things scenes with gummy bears with my sister.

36. Do you know how to properly use grammar in a sentence?   kinda? 37. Are your parents very protective of you? yeah

38. Will you be in a relationship in the next couple months? I fukin wish

39. How many drugs are in your system?   can a Capri Sun count

40. The person who hurt you the most calls and needs you, do you go? bitch no

41. Is it easy to pretend everything’s okay for you? yeah, I do it every day

42. Are you afraid of losing the last person you talked to on the phone? uh that was my dad, so sure

43. Do you think you are a good person? oh god no, if hell existed i’d be going there

44. What do you want right this second? I WANT A FUCKING RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE

45. Do you think it makes him weak if a guy cries? no

46. Have you ever cried cause you were so mad? yeah

47. Could you last in a relationship for over a year?   yes

48. Who were you with on your birthday? i don't really remember or care 49. Have you ever crawled through a window? I feel like I have but don't remember

50. First person to talk to you in 2014? how the fuck am I supposed to remember that, it was 3 years ago

51. Do you miss your past? Not really but I dont regret meeting some sweet ass people

52. It’s 4 in the morning, your phone rings, who is it? a telemarketer, I have like no friends so no one ever checks up on me, by the time someone does I might be dead.

53. Do you have anything interesting planned for the next week? VIDCON I get to meet Sara Rubin, Ashly Perez, Allison Raskin, Gaby Dunn, Stephanie Frosch, and Bria and Crissy and maybe Simply Nailogical haha

54. Who was the last person to text you?

scammmmmmmmer

55. What were you doing 4 hours ago? i dont remember

56. Is there a certain song that you can’t stop listening to atm? Secrets by The Weeknd

57. Tell me 3 things that your friends don’t know about you. well well well I cant say

58. What is something that people often give to you as a gift? honestly nothing

59. Do you tend to hold on to a lot of stuff you don’t need, just because it has sentimental value? yeah then a month later I can get rid of it

60. What is something that reminds you of your ex?

well guess what i havent even dated at all so nop

61. Has the last person you kissed ever cried in your arms? my cat Bub has not cried in my arms

62. Which would you prefer to receive as a gift - flowers or chocolate? chocolate

63. When did you last take a shower/bath? Do you wash your hair every time? I took a shower like 2 hours ago, yeah I was my hair every time.

64. Would you prefer to be somewhere else right now? yep

65. Do any of your followers on Tumblr have your phone number? yeahh

66. Will you be going out tonight, or staying in? staying in listening to Alone by halsey because it’s relatable.

67. How many times have you been in love? ONCE and maybe I still am but I need to fix it BECAUSE SOMEONE ISNT GOING TO MY HIGH SCHOOL NEXT YEAR and im going to be so fcked and messed up so pray for me

68. If you were heartbroken, who would help you pick up the pieces? ususally myself of this one friend I have she’s cool and she bacically proved I was bi. No it’s not you olivia sorry dude

69. Apparently, it’s very common to crave chocolate around the ‘time of the month’; do you ever get that craving? no

70. How would you feel about dating someone who had a reputation for being a player in the past? Do you think that players will ALWAYS be players, or is it possible that they can change? I’d give them a chance but idk Ive nvr fcking dated at all so whaat

71. Did you sleep well last night? sure

72. Is your bedroom big enough for you? sure

72. Are you looking forward to seeing someone soon? imexited to see Sara Rubin on Friday because she actually screwed up my love life and I dont even want to get started with that because it’s actually funny but will make me cry.

73. Ever had a one-night stand? nope

74. Is anyone flirting with you? I wish

75. Have you ever felt pressure to do anything you didn’t want to, like smoking, drinking, or losing your virginity, before you were ready for it? If so, how did you deal with that? all the time, like when the teacher tells us to do homework like wth hahahahahahaahaha idk

76. Do you consider yourself to be an intelligent person? Why/why not? no im really stupid and can have absolutely no common sense its actually really funny

77. Who would you most like to be stuck in a lift with? Ashley Nicolette Frangipane

78. Is there anyone you’d HATE to be stuck in a lift with? oh my god yeah like the chick who plays Enid in the walking dead, and like my whole school.

79. When did you last talk to the person you love/like? What did you talk about? pff what lemme look... a hour and a half ago ahahahahahah

80. Have you ever seen your father cry? no

81. How would your parents react if you got pregnant? well i dont know because I dont really want kids

82. Do you/did you keep to your school’s uniform/dress code? sure

83. If the last person you kissed said you were the only one they wanted, would you believe them? Bub is a mean cat to my other cats and I wouldnt believe it

84. What was the highlight of your summer? cant rememeber

85. The last time you threw up, was it because you were hungover? idk

86. Have you ever seen the film ‘Wake Wood’? What did you think of it? never heard of it

87. Are you confused about anything atm? Is there anything bothering you? Or, is everything good? some people and their lies

88. If you say ‘I’ve had enough’ or ‘I’m done’, do you always mean it? no haha

89. Who was the last person that invited you to their house? honeslty scammer because I have no other friends

90. Have your parents ever told you about any alternative names they considered for you, or the name they would have chosen, if you’d turned out to be a boy? ASHLEY

91. Are you friends with any of your exes? n/a

92. Have you ever had to make an emergency phone call?

no

93. If you’re in a relationship, how is it going? If you’re single, are you looking for someone? *cries*

94. What language do you like the sound of? english ;)

95. Think about the last guy, outside of family, that you had a conversation with. Do you find him sexy? ew no wtf

96. What do you think is an assumption that someone could make about you, just by looking at your Tumblr? Would this assumption be correct? idk

97. What’s the most attractive physical feature of the person you love/like? HA I’d rather not write an essay right now

98. Do you consider yourself to be a strong person? Why/why not? .kindaaa?

99. Tell me about a special moment you’ve had with the person you love/like. just convos

100. What are you doing tomorrow? Im going to tahoe

[pensurfing]

Caitlin’s Three Things List

Okay, so moments (probably hours by the time I finish this) ago I wrote a goals list that I think is good for self-evaluation. (Keyword: This is what I think. results may vary depending on what you’re looking for.)

I’m going to hop to it and answer some of these that I laid out in hopes of having a better idea of what I want to accomplish. 

The Three Things Lists!

1) Three things that went well this year.

* Audience growth

So once upon a time, I grew a pretty decent following due to creating an Inktober Prompt list. My expectations: Maybe two of my friends would do this, maybe. And then one stranger that has followed me for a while. (There are a few followers I recognize their username because if I post something they always like it and for some reason that keeps me going.)

But because of this prompt, I was exposed to MANY new creators and illustrators that I now enjoy chatting with and following! Instagram had the biggest maintained growth. I’m excited to create for an audience that actually expects me to create and not just for friends who see my things “whenever they aren’t busy”. (Not to bash them or anything, just there are a lot where unless I tell them, they don’t see the posts I make.)

Another surge of growth in my audience was due to tabling at conventions this year. I was terrified to show my work let alone attempt to sell it to someone. Tabling at cons not only boosted my confidence but also quieted one of my ever going demons. “YoU sUcK aT dRaWiNg CaItLiN.” “How do you have a degree? oh right, you just barely passed.” I can’t say this is the case, there is an audience that genuinely enjoys my scribbles. So I am forever thankful to Atlanta Comic Con for giving me that chance. It honestly opened a few doors for me.

**Process

I’ve gotten more comfortable with showing my process. It can be messy, crisp, and illogical. But turns out the people who enjoy my content enjoy my scrambled thoughts. It’s something about not being alone in this sort of sense that calms the nerves.

So I can say with chest poked out that sharing process has gotten MUCH better. I can thank a self-help book I bought this year that was a FANTASTIC BUY. Austin Kleon has [two] (currently? If he has more then I’m buying it like people buy a name brand.) books that helped me see that it is GREAT to share not only the process but advice. “Show Your Work” is the book I’m talking about for now. Great tips, the outline is on the back of the book. So if you’re like me, I need to clearly see what I might be getting into, you might have a ball.

And finally, (not calling myself out on this but other) If you’re going to respond to people when they ask you “how do you___?” do not answer “Google it”. That is the rudest thing I’ve seen some of even my FAVORITE illustrators do; that response can burn in hell. PERIODT. (my one typo allowed.)

*** Art Style Exploration

For those who think college will help you establish an art style that you’ll enjoy or help nourish the one you currently have.... Let me save you over 80K.... No, the fuck it won’t.

That was the biggest thought I had going into art school. If anything, it confused me more and utterly destroyed what little confidence I had in my drawing style. After graduating, I had a huge swing from how I used to draw to how my art currently looks. I stopped trying to please the one professor who stood between me and my degree and started drawing to please my tastes. And guess what? That did something. And that something WORKED. I love what I draw now; I see why I chose this as my career path. I’m genuinely happy with how my pieces turn out versus in college just wanting to turn the damn thing in and hoping it isn’t an F.

2) Three things you could have handled better.

* The loss of a good paying client.

Now hear me out when I say this: A good paying client DOES NOT EQUAL a good client. Say that three times and then exhale.

Back earlier this year, I had the opportunity to work with a writer who gave me hell and back. And even that is an understatement. I dealt with her because in school you were taught “if they pay on time, finish the work and get the exposure.” 

I’m here to tell you my lesson learned: A good paying client DOES NOT EQUAL good exposure, good pay, a good client. 

I was doing the work of three for the price of one and a half. (And was always told I charged too much.) She tried abusing this power with friends of mine, with other illustrators. When things turned out bad, she tried saying it was my fault. She read my contract and then tried telling me I changed the wording, I purposely did this thing, another thing was my fault. I could go on with this story.

The part that I wish I handled better?

How I treated myself afterward. I’m so used to people telling me, “Cait, this is what you do wrong. This is how you fix it.” that I don’t consider my own feelings, and when I bring my feelings into the scenario they no longer matter. Because they tell me they don’t matter. In this case, I wish I had treated me better, because my feelings, my mental health, DOES matter.

**My Patience Getting Into Conventions.

Pretty self-explanatory. I got into one, finished one, and wanted to do eight more in a week. But this sort of thing just takes time and I need to accept that.

***My losses

I had to listen to a Little Mix song to actually learn this one. The context of the song is nowhere near the topic at hand. But a verse from Power feat Stomzy really packs a punch after this year: 

“ You look him in the eye and say, "I know I'm not a guy But see there's power in my losses and there's power in my wins" “

I had to look one of my demons in the face, and state something similar. My loses mean I’m trying. My loses piling shows I’m not willing to give up easily, and that is something that took a while to be content with.

3) Three things artistically you want to improve on.

*Composition

It’s not awful, but it can be better.

**Color

I told this BOLDLY if I might add while critiquing someone else’s portfolio; “Your color palette is boring. All your [things] look as if they are from the same universe, during the same time of day, with the same kind of mood. After three photos it’s bland, boring, and understood you have a preference.” 

Can you say damn Cait? The statement was, in fact, true, but I certainly could not talk. My color palette is mainly bright, pop, and happy. In order to tell a story, I KNOW it is best told with color. And I failed myself this year. But I sure won’t next year.

***My Damn Tag

Okay, alright. Why is it well-established artists have their tag figured out? Even some who’s art style is so recognizable (I’m looking HEAVILY at you Gabriel Piccolo.) we know it’s theirs, seem to have a tag that suits them and works for them. But more importantly, they put it in A VERY DECENT SPOT. SOMEONE SHARE THIS SCIENCE WITH ME? CAUSE APPARENTLY I DON’T GET IT.

4) Three things you want to focus on trying.

*More backgrounds.

As much as it pains me, I need to improve on backgrounds and perspective. When I do make backgrounds, I’m told I make great pieces. That I should look into becoming a background artist. And don’t get me wrong, I like them. But I don’t like them.

I feel as though I need to improve in that region so that way I don’t feel as though it’s a weakness of mine. My backgrounds are nice, but they aren’t nice to my standards.

**More designs

I love character designs, but let’s be real. If you were to scroll down my site or my Instagram page, or even this Tumblr archive, could you tell? 

I draw characters a lot sure, but none are designs. No process, no sheets, no turnarounds, none of that. So that’s a huge goal of mine for 2019.

***Scheduling posting

At one point I was pretty good at this. Live stream in Instagram and Twitter, cool. Videos on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. Cool. Everywhere gets a photo, everywhere gets a silly one-liner. Yay. I’m not leaving anything out.

Well by the end of this year that totally crumbled. 

SO I want to try getting better at that thing there. Because having attempted this at the end of the year was cool, but it still wasn’t enough apparently.

5) Three positive things to tell yourself.

* You are an inspiration. That’s all you wanted to be in life, you did it. I’m proud of you.

**You didn’t kill yourself like you tried to; you opened up about it for once and used that pint up anger creatively. That is very hard to do, trust. I’m proud of you.

***You moved on, matured, and let it go. Even when the goddess inside you told you these peasants didn’t deserve your light, your friendship, your greatness. I’m proud of you.

I’m just proud of me for not snapping when I had every right to; not everything deserves a reaction.

6) Three negative things you want to leave for 2018.

*Comparisons 

Oh boy. I am extremely guilty for this: I’ll compare myself to a well-known illustrator my age. I’ll compare myself to friends who are in the field having a blast and getting work; I’ll compare myself to friends who aren’t in the field and they struggle at getting work. I’ll compare myself to the kid I graduated high school with who is traveling the world, is able to eat, come home to his dog and relax because he doesn’t have tuition to pay. I’ll compare myself to these goddamn baby boomers who keep repeating “We didn’t have it hard, you’re just being stupid. Millennials aka our children deserve to starve. We’ll just put our faith in our grandchildren because screw the kids we raised and refuse to pay accordingly. $7 an hour worked in my day, they need to make it work now.” I’ll compare myself to fake people I created in my head and purposely made scenarios and wonder why I’m not like them, said creations I made because I was pretty low for ten minutes...

I just compare myself too much. To any damn body. It’s draining, obnoxious and most of all pointless. My new motto for next year is: “Unless it is helping you grow yourself, your brand, your spirituality, don’t do it.”

I’m not comparing my chapter two to someone’s chapter thirty-five. I’m not even comparing my chapter two to someone else’s chapter two. I need to stop doing that PERIOD! My journey is different, unique, and worth seeing through.

**Listening to negative others.

A couple of years ago, I lost a close friend around the time my aunt passed away. During this time I was hypersensitive to any and everything done or said; I also kept many walls up to hide my mourning. He caught the crossfire of all of that. I kept secrets from him I was too prideful of admitting and lashed out because of the emotional turmoil I kept suppressed. While in the midst of packing his things and leaving my life, he mentioned that I was a failure because I was unemployed and artistically speaking I hadn’t accomplished anything; that I would remain that way because that’s just the person I deserved to be. Now mind you, I graduated college that year; he was a flunk out. I changed my art style dramatically compared to when I started school to pass; he thought just posting crappy pictures of lukewarm sketches were equivalent. I started attempting trends and all he could do was copy. Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t to bash my old friend. If he were to come back into my life and move on like nothing had happened I’d do the same. (With some limitations.)

It’s just while typing out this scenario, of our four-year friendship I can’t think of one nice thing/compliment/gesture he has said to me. That’s my problem.

I can be praised, admired, and look highly upon for years straight. But my problem is I let others negative thinking and comments marinate with me for a long while. Too long of a while.

Another example is my mother’s friend. (My mom has many friends that do this shit, but this one stung more.) 

This friend always roots for me; treats me like a person, and encourages my artistic journey. I consider her family before my actual relatives. 

We went over for some barbeque the family was having and I was ready. Black Hallmark Cookouts, laughing, good food, good music, shit talking others teams. She asked me a harmless question of when was I going to quit my day job. Seemed like nothing at first, until the added gest of what she continued with. “All I’m saying is you can’t do [your day job] forever. That will get old. If the art thing doesn’t work out next year what’s plan b?”

I’m not a calm person (usually). Normal Caitlin would have cursed her out and mentioned how just because she chose a job to settle and be miserable at for most of her life doesn’t mean I have to follow suit. But again, of all the nice encouraging things she has done, said, and showed, for a while, I couldn’t think of it. 

So I pray I let go of this nasty behavior in 2018; it’s going to be hard but it is dire.

***Saying I’m Not Enough

Alright, now put the combination of the two above in a bowl and what do you get? A Caitlin who struggles in interviews and applying for jobs because I let comparisons and negative comments rule my thoughts. This stopped me from applying to jobs I would have been perfect for; internships that could have helped me; posting art online.

We (including me) have to stop thinking that in order to be an illustrator means we have to pass a certain threshold of struggle, success, and a huge number of followers. That isn’t the job description. NO JOB DESCRIPTION has ”must have at least 10K followers on Instagram or Twitter.” nOnE. 

So we (including me) need to stop treating ourselves this way. Period.

7) Three things you’re looking forward to in 2019.

*Going to move conventions.

**Adding pieces to my portfolio to try again at job hunting.

***Becoming content with the fact that my current situation isn’t my permanent situation. Unless I laze around and make it so.

Alright, so this was basically me calling myself out on my noise. Lashing out my demons and putting it in writing what I want to accomplish. I hope this inspires you to write yours, even if you keep it private. I hope it guides you and maintains your vision.

I’ll see you in 2019

A new wave

Caitlin xx

[shiny-craboo-blog]

@rockformed​ replied to your post : i keep goin away for a long time but theres a good...

what asshole?? 👀👀👀👀👀

WHOOO lemme tell you this is a long one (sorry about any spelling errors i was tryna get this done quickly)

it was actually that guy that we played overwatch with together once.

ive known him since about december, but he was saying lots of homophobic and racist shit, so i was like eh might as well try to make him a better person, but to do that, you gotta get close, and i started liking him (literally @ past me why?????)

so i flirt a little here, giggle a little there, and he falls in love with me. i liked him too, but he liked me to a point where it was obsessive. he was telling me i saved his life and that out of everyone on earth im his favorite. i come out to him as trans one day, and after a lot of thinking, he was like “okay yeah im okay with this” and i was happy

however, like i said, he was really obsessive. he wouldnt let me play games with anyone else unless he was there, and when i tried to watch a show with one of our mutual friends, he gets all upset about it.

eventally, even though he liked me, he started being a real ass. i told him that i didnt really like him anymore and that i wanted to stay friends, and he turned it into this huge fight and ended it with “Forget it... Good night.” - and he used that phrase every (and “goodbye”) every time he wanted a conversation to sound final or like he was going to die if i didnt give him all my attention right then and there.

the fighting continued for a few months, during which he called me a sociopath, narcissistic, not worthy off being called a human being, and all that typa stuff. he started feeling suicidal - even though he felt that way before i met him, he started feeling it stronger because he didnt have me constantly fawning over him to ease it out - and he straight up told me that he blamed me for his feelings.

the fights got reaaalllll bad, and eventually he had a set day and time, and every time i said i was going to call his mom about it, he got really defensive and acted like i was attacking him, saying “dont test me” and shit

he became really emotionally manipulative and just flat out malicious tbh

the day came around and i blocked him because i didnt want to hear about it, and he started yet another fight. he didnt do anything though because half an hour later he came crawling back saying that he needed someone to talk to and that he had this whole change of heart and that he realized what his friends were worth and how he acted really shitty and that he was sorry

but he didnt change his behavior at all lmao

he kept arguing with me, so i started just. not joining as much and not talking to him as often and he got really pissy, asking me if i was talking to other people and accusing me of talking with this guy who he hates (the guy he hates left to make another server with all the people this guy was an asshole to so they could have a place where he wasnt there being a dick and the guy im telling you about acts like the victim whenever he talks about it like?? literally if u were a better friend they wouldnt have felt the need to?) (and i totally was talking to the guy bc the enemy of your enemy is your friend and all that) but he was a real ass about it. 

and saturday!! this saturday!!! he was an ass the moment i joined the call so i left and he got mad saying like “you know how i get upset when you leave the call” and i was like “i just??? dont wanna be there if ur gonna be mean to me the moment i join??” and he said

THIS BITCH

said

“its a guy thing to be mean to your friends. but i guess you wouldn’t know about that ;)”

so i blocked him. he texts me saying that hes been mean because his dads been on his back about college, and i said it wasnt an excuse. a few minutes later, someone from the server messages me sayin that nick said if i dont unblock him hes gonna ban me. so i unblocked him and asked for a reason why i should stay. this bitch. this ass. says “because i thought we were friends” LIKE BIIIIIIITCH PLEAAAAAAASE YOU KNOW DAMN WELL WE AINT

anyway we fought for 3 hours and rather than giving me any good reasons to stay he called me stupid and said i misinterpreted the message like?? how else am i supposed to interpret it????????

so im staying, making him fall in love with me again, then leaving.

bonus: i made a list of the highlights of some of the shit things hes said to me

"Forget it... good night." "i used to trust everyone then the thing happened with my cousin so i stopped sharing myself or exposing myself. then i did over the years with kii then she backstabbed me. then ness and it happened again. i didnt trust anyone and still wasnt ok with sharing myself. then u stepped in and made me feel happy and wanted and like i could trust people. then you said you loved me like you did. i opened up and pursued and got lead on for 15 hours a day for a month up until i got enough courage to try to stand and speak open heartedly and with courage and the next day you lose all interest." "you know what? you obviously dont like me anymore. im over it you win. im done chasing. the goalposts always change. its over." "i cant stop chasing you. you are literally my favorite person on earth." "im doing this once a day from now on. wanna go out" "1 reason i got on ow. *1 reason i got on ow off my psych. guess it doesnt matter to you." “For the record the reason im mad all the time is because im fucking pissed at you but cant take it out for some reason.” “reason im so shit ight now is caught i thought i was at rock bottom and you took me up the mountain just to fling me off. forget it. good night." "youre still online. just gonna pretend im not here?" "hope this doesnt wake you up but sorry for being a cunt." "i still want to die haha. life sucks" "im sorry." me: you purposely did something to make me mad and then get upset when i get mad "im hald zoned in rn im getting killed by bad vibes but im not gonna make you mad ever again." "why did you fool me. i fight with you a lot now and its because of what you did to me and how ive lost my sense of self and all emotions because of you. but then i remember this is just how i usually am and being happy is what people are supposed to be like and im not so this is normal and only my fault so. i forgot where i was going with this but take care friend." "if it was the concept thing then why do i still love you." "i get upset because i have to actively avoid falling for you." "im only angry and mean to you because i dont understand my emotions." "im gonna kill myself saturday at 7:32 pm" (<<<this was two weeks ago hes fine now) "im not gonna do it i just want attention" "to keep it 100 i just said that so you wouldnt call anyone." "dont test me" "eat shit" "if youre trying to make me unfriend you its working" "actual human beings dont pull that bullshit. they suck it up and stick to their word or break the news to the other and dont drag them along." me: every humans a human regardless of whether or not they feel "theyre a human. not an actual human. theyre a human but not worthy of being called one." "in 3 months you managed to fuck with my emotions and make me want to kill myself more than kii did in 3 years." "i think this is the last conversation were gonna have. if you got anything important to say speak now or forever hold your peace. alright youre in overwatch and missed your chance." "have fun with your game hope its worth losing me over."

me: im going to call your mom and tell her right now "and say what? 'im a bad friend and now nick wont talk to me?'"

me: no. 'nicks planning on killing himself.' "and ill just say its someone im amd at trying to get revenge on me" "im not convinced that its not a whole thing made specifically to drive me to suicide." "in queue rather than fixing problems. typical. goodbye, asshole." "what if by trying to stop the outcome u saw you just pushed me away from one of the only people i trusted and now im on a path that ends in my inevitable self destruction." "no thats the depression but i am saying u took away what made me happy." "forget it, ill catch you later. apparently no goodbyes either lol." "bye oats." "the only thing you will ever love besides yourself is overwatch. bye." "are you there i just got back and i really need someone." "beause youre the middle man i guess and it was a test of allegiance i think in my mind." "idk i just feel like not many people actually like me deep down and its a shit thing of me to put that on others." "hows ness doing" "because im done walking on eggshells for you, snowflake. "its a guy thing to be a dick to your friends. guess u wouldnt understand ;)" "sorry for being a jerk. dad has been riding me all week and im mad all the time." "maybe you would get it if your dad ever punched you or woke you up by throwing shit at you." (i know for a fact his dad doesnt do this. there was a whole week where we were in a call 24/7 to see how long we could get one to last and his dad brings him dinner and plays xbox in the same room sometimes. i get that from an outside perspective this may seem mean to overlook, but if you knew this guy, you wouldnt put it past him to lie about shit like this just for attention.) "youre being such a baby over this. its not a big deal, its an argument." "considering you didnt write it id consider it awful stupid of you to think you can interpret it better than the author." "you dont know me"