#who says we can only give our boi death trauma once?

[chaoswarfare]

do x dc prompt #48

When Jason first found himself dead in the Infinite Realms, he was just about lost without a way to contact his family. He fell into a deep depression and only started crawling out of it when Danny took him under his wing. They found they related to each other a lot and could sympathize with being a teen hero, and soon were practically inseparable.

Then he was resurrected.

Jason was so angry and he had no idea why. Every time something reminded him of what came after death, he would fly into a blind rage because he can’t remember anything. He’s missing something essential in his memories, and he can’t admit that to his family, so he doesn’t.

The second time Jason died, it was only for a few minutes. A quick enough end after hitting the surface of the ocean and inhaling what seemed like gallons of seawater. He woke up in the zone, cradled in the grip of the man who took him in the first time, who his memory of had been blocked. They barely had time to catch up before Jason was hauled back to the land of the living. This time he didn’t forget.

The third time Jason died, They thought that was finally it. There’s not a lot of people that can come back from their upper half and lower half being separated for over an hour after all. He settled in. They watched his family, making sure they were coping alright(they weren’t, and it was so painful to watch-).

On the day of his funeral almost two months later(they wanted to wait as long as possible, he came back once after all, they needed to make sure. They wouldn’t leave him to crawl out of his own grave a second time.) The halfa king and the new(?) ghost watched. Jason committed every word of his eulogy to memory, everything his friends and family said. When the alley kids even stepped up to say their goodbyes, Danny pointedly ignored Jason’s open sobs(he never liked people seeing him vulnerable). The burning grief in his core was becoming unbearable(if he was just a little more open would his family have realized that the mission had gone sideways sooner?). Danny flinched next to him and turned toward Jason just as reality snapped and warped, dragging him back. Away from the Infinite realms(his home-) for a third time.

Dick didn’t know what to think when the motion sensors started going off right before they lowered the coffin. To say he was stunned for a moment was an understatement, He didn’t so much as twitch until a fist broke through the lid of the box.

Once is a coincidence. Twice is an anomaly. Three times is a pattern. Nobody ever told Jason how awkward it could be crashing your own funeral. He’d almost prefer digging out his grave.

Danny isn’t just going to sit quietly this time. Jason is back in the living world, completely defenseless. He needs to protect his ward.

(immortal!Danny? yes. today i present to you the first ever time i’ve seen Immortal!Jason ;).)

[samthestrangerthingsfan]

Out of The Woods

pairing: Eddie Munson x Reader

summary: Hawkins is home once again, and you're determined to keep your peace. The past comes calling.

chapter warnings: slow burn, motherhood, swearing, childhood trauma, fluff, sweet sweet memories and friends bonding again. <3

a/n: I don't want to give spoilers, but we may or may not have a run-in with a certain metal head in this chapter! :O (just a taste, a lil treat bc you've all been so good.)

chapter 3: Silver Springs || series masterlist

NOVEMBER 4th, 1983

Friday was the best day of the week.

Sure, weekends are great, but Friday night meant movie night at the Munson’s.

“You better not make her watching nothin’ scary, Edward.” Wayne huffed, grabbing his choice of cap from the wall, as well as big winter coat.

Eddie’s hand flew over his heart. “I would never! Not so close to the holidays!”

You threw a piece of popcorn at his head as the laughter bubbled from your chest. “Holidays? It’s not even Thanksgiving!” Eddie motions for you to keep throwing so he can catch one in his mouth. You oblige, but not without a protest of your own. “I would like—no, I demand a comedy.”

Eddie bowed to you, peering up and showing off the piece of popcorn he’d caught at the last second “What m’lady wants, she shall receive.”

The trailer door blew out of Wayne’s grip as he opened it, “Christ, it’s freezin’! Turn the heat on, boy. Your date is gonna freeze to death.”

Eddie gives you a knowing look. There’s no point, his eyes send the message loud and clear. The two of you have told Wayne dozens of times that you weren’t on dates, you were just best friends hanging out.

He didn’t buy it.

“Why does she get the heat? Pretty sure I got frost bite when I got outta the shower today.”

“Because,” Wayne slid his hands into a pair of work gloves as he walked toward you. “I like her and I want her to keep comin’ around.” He bent down, and kissed the crown of your head.

You protested, “I don’t wanna bug you—“

“Yeah, yeah, yeah.” Eddie teased. “Ya know you say that a lot?”

“It’s the truth!”

“You could never bug me—ever. Even if you could, who cares? Not like it’s a bad, it’s a good bug you reserve just for me; my bug.”

Your eyes seemed to roll of their own free will, “Eddie.”

He dropped down next to you, putting a hand on your upper thigh as he offered you a twizzler. “Yes, Bug?”

Neither of you had noticed when exactly Wayne slipped out.

You’d compromised that night. Ghostbusters, a little something for the both of you.

About 30 minutes in, Eddie looked at you. He took in how you laughed at something Bill Murray said, how the sound bubbling from your chest made your nose crinkle.

God, he could listen to that sound all day.

When you turned to him, he panicked. Standing quickly, “Uh, shit…here,” he said, not knowing where the hell he was going with the sentence.

Eddie looked around for a moment, what felt like an hour for him was surely only a few seconds. He ended up grabbing Wayne’s old Polaroid camera from the shelf. “C’mon, we gotta take a picture.”

You smiled through your confusion, “Why?”

Eddie shrugged, “Because we never do! And I wanna remember this even when we’re so old we can’t remember our own names.”

“You want to remember a randoms Friday night?”

He nodded. “If it’s a Friday night with you? Always.”

The whirr and click of the camera went off before you knew what was happening. “Eddie, I wasn’t ready! I’m gonna look like a fucking Goblin!”

The timber of his laugh made your heart race. Eddie pulled the film from its slot beneath the lens. “Don’t sell yourself short, Bug. Troll maybe, but never a Goblin.”

You elbowed his ribs at the exact moment he connected with the couch.

“Oof.” He laughed. “C’mon, smile?”

“Fine.”

Eddie put his arm around you, pulling you in close. A second later, the flash blinded you both, leaving you dazed and giggly for the next minute.

You held out your hand, and gestured to where the photo of the two of you was laid out to develop. “Let’s see it then.” You demanded.

Eddie pulled it off the coffee table, looking at it before he handed it to you.

He wasn’t looking at the camera, no. His eyes were on you, and he was smiling harder than he’d thought was possible.

He saw how you were leaned into him, your hand holding his as it draped over your shoulder, the light behind your eyes, the smile he couldn’t get enough of.

Eddie felt it then.

So immediate and sudden it felt like his heart got struck by lightning, and it was then that he realized two things:

That this feeling, whatever it was, couldn’t possibly end well.

And two?

He is so fucked.

It became easier to breathe.

You hadn’t realized just how suffocating life here had become. To be back in Hawkins and still feel like you were hiding and alone. Though now, and in the weeks since you’re run-in with Robin and Steve, it all got a bit brighter and a little less heavy.

Steve was committed to putting the past behind you, a sentiment he all but drilled into your head the first night he visited Maggie and you at the house.

“You did what you thought you needed to do to make it. You’re back now, though. Let us be there for you.”

He also became Maggie’s own personal jungle gym. Whenever they watched a movie or had a snack together, your daughter could be found on top of him in some way. They especially enjoyed watching cartoons on Saturdays; Maggie perched on top of Uncle Cheeseball’s shoulders, because according to her it was the ‘best seat in the house.’

Robin couldn’t be deterred either.

She’s over at least three nights a week now, and Maggie is obsessed—like, seriously obsessed. It’s the sort of bond you watch from afar and admire, the way your friend opened her heart to your daughter. How she’s protected her innocence and encouraged her silliness.

Kids aren’t exactly everyone’s cup of tea. They’re loud and messy and demanding in a totally innocent way. They require you to think before you act and never put yourself first. It’s why any dates you’d been on over the years hadn’t worked out, most people disappeared after they learned of her. Not that you cared, Maggie was number one in your life, and you were damn proud of that.

But now here you are, the life you had been convinced you’d never have was happening before your eyes.

“And ya know what else, Miss M? Your Mom fell right on her butt and slid all the way down the hill!”

Maggie’s laughter echoed off the your living room walls.

“Hey! It was December and Hillcrest is notoriously icy when it snows!” You feigned insult, and tickled Maggie as her laughter multiplied.

“Mom! That’s so silly! How'd you stop sliding?” She questioned.

Robin’s eyebrow quirked up, “Yeah, how did you stop sliding?”

You sighed, embarrassment painting your face. “Steve—Uncle Cheeseball had to catch me.”

The two of them howled with laughter, “Yeah-yeah, laugh it up. I don’t like this, you’re in…cahoots!”

“Excuse me!” Robin objected. “I am a responsible adult!”

Maggie stood with her hands on her hips. “Yeah! Me too!”

You leaned down, kissing her forehead. “Alright, well, it’s bedtime for all adults and former children.”

Maggie whined, but let out a yawn mid-grumble.

“See? Proof.” You booped her nose. “Go on, you have school tomorrow. Teeth, pjs, bed, okay?”

Maggie hugged you, “Okay, Mama. Goodnight, Robby! I’ll see you on Friday for pizzas!”

She ran the few feet to your friend, and squeezed her. “Wouldn’t miss it for the world, kiddo.”

Maggie, by the grace of God, listened. She was so worn out from laughing and dancing and playing with Robin that she crashed as soon as her little head hit the pillow.

“Want me to take the trash out on my way?” Robin asked, hands full of the nonsense she’d brought along with her.

“Is there a 3rd hand in there I don’t know about?” You nodded towards her, “No, Robs. I got it, I just gotta do the dishes first.”

Robin smiled behind you, relishing in the gratitude she felt having you back. “I-I’m so proud of you.” It was a near whisper, and when you turned to your friend, she had tears in her eyes.

“Maggie is…she’s so cool! And you’re obviously an incredible Mom. I’m just, I’m sorry you felt like you had to stay away.”

Your own eyes burned at that. You walked to Robin and pulled her into a hug. “I’m sorry too, I’m sorry I didn’t call, or write…I just didn’t know how to—to be here.”

She nodded into your embrace, adjusting the items she cradled. “Well, you’re here now. Anything you need, say the word and I’ll be here, Steve too.”

You pulled away, “I know.”

Robin grabbed her keys with the few fingers she had free. “I don’t mean to ruin the beautiful moment of love and friendship, but have you thought about...him? About what’ll happen if you see him again? I mean, Hawkins isn’t exactly a big town.” She avoided using his name, and that didn’t go unnoticed.

It’s all I think about.

Fingers toyed with the hair tie around your wrist, “I wouldn’t even know…” your voice faded out. “I’ll cross that bridge if and when I come to it, I’ve been here for a while already, and haven’t even heard anyone mention his name.”

That was true.

Everyone used to talk about Eddie Munson. The troublemaker, the cult leader, the devil-worshipping freak. The boy who was corrupting you, and ruining your future.

These backwoods hicks had no idea just how good he was back then. How kind and gentle and full of courage he was. You couldn’t understand why they hated him, not when you found it so easy to love him.

“I didn’t wanna upset you—“

“You didn’t,” you’re quick to reassure her, “it’s a logical question, and sure, maybe I’m avoiding the subject, but I appreciate you looking out for me all the same.”

Robin shrugged as if it was the most simple thought in the world, “Always.”

She left after an additional 5 minutes of arguing about helping you clean, to which you would not allow.

Cleaning up after a long day, while exhausting, was your only time to yourself. It was the one part of the day Maggie wasn’t asking something of you or looking for something or covered in something sticky.

Why is it always something sticky?

The dishes were done, and the counters were clean. You plopped on the couch, and turned on whatever the tv was playing at this hour and had just begun to fold the laundry, when the stink of the trash left by the door nearly had you retching.

“Nope, not waiting til morning…”

“Steve, Steve…” Eddie laughed.

The boy threw his hands up in frustration. “Eddie, I’m serious!”

Eddie slapped his friends shoulder. “I appreciate the worrying, pal. I’m fine, I had one beer let’s see…” the metal head looked at his watch, “an hour and a half ago. Why the sudden concern about my health and safety, hm?”

Steve blanched at the question, stumbling over his words. “T-There was an accident tonight! Drunk driver hit the pole on Cornwallis. Cops everywhere, ya know?”

Steve knew exactly why the thought of Eddie getting hurt or worse was suddenly a new phobia he developed. He had just hoped he’d hide it better than this.

Eddie sighed, “Great,” and stood, grabbing his keys out of his pocket, “back roads it is, gonna take me 20 minutes to get home now.”

Steve stood too, causing Eddie to glance back. He pinched his friend’s cheek, “Would you feel better if I called you when I got home, Stevie?” Eddie mocked, pouting his lip.

Steve pushed him away, “Shut up, man. Fine, that’s the last time I give a shit about my friends.”

Eddie laughed, “Nah, I appreciate it, Harrington. I’ll see ya on Friday right? Still looking your car over at the shop?”

“Yeah, yeah. See ya Friday.”

Eddie left Steve’s apartment smiling to himself.

What a good dude.

By the time he hit Cornwallis, the detour was worse than expected. It took him down several back roads and side streets Eddie is usually able to avoid all together.

Not to mention Forest Hills trailer park is on the opposite side of town from Harrington’s place. Eddie is usually able to zip down Main Street to save some time, but with Cornwallis a no-go, it was an addition pain in the ass to avoid the one-ways.

“Oh come on.” He griped. The car in front of him was going what seemed like negative miles an hour. He whipped the wheel to the left, evading the current route and instead, opting for an old way he remembered like the back of his hand.

Even in the dark.

It was eerie. To be on this street that he'd driven hundreds of times, knowing it wasn't leading to you.

He could practically see you, the way you’d sit on the curb until he got there, bag packed with your essentials for a few days. Wanting to get the hell out of this place before your Dad came-too.

The street was dim, lit only by the few flickering street lamps. He attempted to drown out the glimpses of the past, turning up the radio, and blasting Crazy Train so loud it made his windows shake.

Six houses away.

It was a subconscious entity; these memories shouting from the void and demanding to be remembered.

Three…

The porch light to your old house was on. “Huh…weird.” Eddie whispered to himself.

His van was barely at your mailbox when he slammed on his brakes, nearly getting choked by the seatbelt. He skidded to a stop, and killed the music.

Either he’s high as a kite, or it was you. Standing right in front of him as you dragged the trash can to the curb.

He’s hoping it’s the former.

You, rightfully so, looked like a deer in fucking headlights. Jumping back when you heard the screech of his tires.

But you know that van—you’d know it simply by the way it sounded coming down your street or by the shape of the headlights shining through the Hawkins fog.

The rusted hinges groaned when the drivers side door opened. Eddie was moving, but he wasn’t sure why. Not when very fiber of his being was screaming at him to stay in the van—to keep driving. Did he listen?

Of course not.

Eddie Munson says your name so softly and with such disbelief, it almost sounded like fear coating his tongue.

You, unlike the boy—man before you, were frozen.

That was the first thing you’d noticed. Eddie still looked like…Eddie, just a manlier—a more rugged version of the boy you’d loved.

He had five o’clock shadow covering his jaw. Cheekbones that were more defined, the hollows more pronounced. His hair was shorter, shorter than you remember it, anyway and he wore boots—work boots. Gone we’re the torn-up Goodwill sneakers he’d saved up weeks to buy.

He was in a black henley and dark wash jeans, though he still had his signature wallet chain and denim jacket.

Your heart slammed in your chest. Your dinner churned in your belly.

You could go. You could turn around and ignore him, walking back into your home and do exactly what he did to you.

But you wouldn’t, you’re better than that—better than him.

“W-Why…what are you doing here?” He half-mumbled.

“Minding my own business.” The strength in your voice surprised you.

Eddie was quiet, very uncharacteristically so, before he shook his head…presumably in an attempt to sort out his thoughts.

“But you’re, you’re here. You’re in Hawkins.” You could practically see the proverbial egg shells he was walking on.

Was he…afraid of you?

Good. You thought. He should be.

You crossed your arms, “Nothing ever did get past you.”

He was stuck. Quicksand was pulling him down, holding his body tightly and dragging him into the Earth’s core. He couldn’t breathe, he was dying.

At least that’s what it felt like.

Eddie cleared his throat. “How, um, how long—“

“A while.” You interject.

How long had you been here? How long were you staying? It didn’t matter, the answer is the same.

“And you’re staying here.” He nodded to the blue house he’s rescued you from hundreds of times.

“I don’t see how that’s your business.” You we’re cold, colder than he’s ever heard you.

Eddie took you in now. You were the same in every way that mattered. Older, sure…but still you, and for that, Eddie couldn’t be more grateful.

You had new smile lines. Were you happy? He hoped to whatever God was listening that you were.

“It’s not, shit. I—I know it’s not. I just didn’t know—“

A noise from inside the house startled you. Your head whipped around, fast as lighting.

Shit. Maggie.

“You okay?” He asked.

No, no, no.

Ignoring him, you turn and start walking back to the house, when Eddie calls your name again, not daring to move from where he’d planted his feet.

You all but spit at him, “Leave, Eddie. There’s nothing left here for you.”

And you meant it.

When you were safely inside, you check Maggie, who was sound asleep.

The noise must have been the door, or the wind, but it scared to half to death.

He didn’t deserve to know her, and maybe that’s selfish, but you aren’t ready to share your daughter yet.

Not with him.

Who knows, maybe you never will be.

[kukuandkookie]

People keep claiming Chinese BL manhua really only have stories featuring toxic male leads, so I offered to give recommendations with green flags... Someone finally said yes, so here's what I typed up in response!:

I Ship My Rival x Me:

One of my personal favourites!

Based on the hilarious novel, commonly known as I Ship My Adversary x Me and also has an audio drama adaptation on MaoEr FM. Basically a story about two actors who are seen as complete rivals by everyone except the actors themselves, which annoys the main character (Wei Yanzi) enough that when he discovers there are actual fans who ship them instead of pit them against one another, he’s so excited he sort of starts shipping them too (in like, an abstract, theoretical manner lmao). This of course causes shenanigans as he actually gets to know the person who people ship him with/pit him against, Gu Yiliang.

Gu Yiliang is a true sweetheart and the greenest of green flags. He’s a complete puppy and I love him. And this means, naturally, the only misunderstandings in this story are of the hilarious kind (you’ll know what I mean if you read it lol). 😂

This one actually used to be available officially in English on the Bilibili manhua’s international app before it got shut down, but it recently got picked up by Seven Seas, the company behind a lot of official English translations of danmei (Chinese BL)!

Touch Your World:

A literally colour-blind boy (as in, he cannot see colour at all and only sees things in black and white) discovers someone who he can see colour on. This person is a designer who has suffered past betrayal and trauma that has caused him to shut himself up and grow much more on edge, but this chance meeting draws both parties out of their shells.

Pixiu’s Eatery, No Way Out:

Not a green flag top in the traditional sense, but here we meet the mythical Pixiu: an ancient Chinese mythical creature who now runs a restaurant. While he’s a penny-pincher with a temper and he doesn’t get along with his love interest at first (a ghost named Wen Xi who he finds suspicious due to Wen Xi’s ties to a past rival of his named Taotie), Pixiu and Wen Xi eventually grow, quite naturally—and hilariously!—into a found family.

The Wife Is First:

Based on a novel of pretty much the same name (and is written by the same author as the popular manhua and donghua, No Doubt in Us (a heterosexual body-swap romance, which also has a subtle gay side ship)). Here we meet Jing Shao just as he’s about to lose everything: once a royal and a powerful general, he has been betrayed by all those around him…except the husband he has never treated well.

As such, when we first meet him, we actually witness his—and his husband’s—deaths. But then he awakens and finds himself back in time to the night right after he was forced to wed this husband of his, and Jing Shao vows to treat him well from now on because he stuck with him through thick and thin despite everything.

Don’t Say You Love Me:

A high school romance with a supernatural twist: Lin Yutong was confessed to by his best friend, Qin Weiyun, at their graduation party. When he drunkenly freaked out and ran away, Qin Weiyun was hit by a car during the chase…

Devastated by his loss, Lin Yutong quickly wakes up to find himself back at the start of his high school journey, right before he meets Qin Weiyun… And this time, he wants to keep Qin Weiyun safe.

But his overly familiar attitude at first gets the wary Qin Weiyun a tad suspicious, because he’s actually quite an aloof person.

The author and artist of this one is also behind another popular manhua titled Your Dream Is Delicious, which is about a demon named Yi Kui who discovers he enjoys eating the nightmares of Lin You. This eventually leads to them—you guessed it—falling in love.

It’s Not That I Want to Wear Women’s Clothing:

Our main character is hired to crossdress to help this CEO get over his gynophobia (fear of touching women) without him knowing. Naturally, this leads to an awkward romantic journey of both identities of our main character getting close to this CEO…who at first glance seems like the typical cold and aloof CEO type, except he’s actually quite a sweetheart.

Salt Friend:

A slice-of-life high school story about the “school bully” named Tong Yang who’s actually a crybaby and the aloof person named Xiao Zhen who discovers him crying. While the two don’t seem like they’d get along at first glance, this quickly becomes a friends-to-lovers story that navigates family drama alongside the romance.

How’d I Get a Heroine’s Script?:

A transmigration story with a twist. Chao Yi is wheelchair-bound but finds himself eventually as a young lord in what is basically a palace drama (court politics, intrigue, family drama, all that good stuff). His System, Qin Que, tasks him with wooing the difficult 7th prince, Gu Yunheng, who smiles on the surface but is quite cold in actuality.

Despite the two getting off on the wrong foot—mostly because Gu Yunheng is really hard to get close to—they soon end up as unlikely allies…especially since there’s a lot of secrets, such as regarding the death of the body Chao Yi’s occupying, the scheming princes, and even Gu Yunheng himself.

See You My King:

Zhang Li, a student interested in what is basically ancient Egypt, goes on an expedition to the ruined civilization and nearly loses his life. Except at the same time, he discovers an ancient tomb with a statue that actually comes to life and saves him…

And this statue even follows him home. This statue is sweet and loving despite its inability to speak, and Zhang Li grows attached to it (or him)… But then the statue falls apart and Zhang Li is devastated.

In wishing for a miracle to bring them back together, the statue’s stone heart sends Zhang Li back in time…to when this ancient civilization is still present. And that’s how he discovers his stone statue is the “tyrant king” of this region, and as cruel as he seems at first glance, both this king and Zhang Li eventually grow close and unfold the different sides to one another that makes them inseparable in the face of all kinds of threats.

Trapping the Foxy Doctor:

A doctor and a psychiatrist meet…except it doesn’t seem like a perfect love story at first glance. Not because the doctor is traditionally foxy (seductive and/or cunning), but because he’s so silly and on-the-nose that he initially kind of rubs the psychiatrist the wrong way. Except, of course, with the kind of sunny sincerity displayed by our doctor Zhi Banyi, you can’t resist him for long…

And the psychiatrist, Lin Li, is himself quite a polite soul despite his complex upbringing. As such, the two end up together through a series of cases where they have to collaborate and help clients, with a lot of shenanigans sprinkled in between (including the fact Lin Li has a side-job live-streaming as a woman—and “she” just so happens to be Zhi Banyi’s favourite streamer lol).

Pirouette Into My Heart aka Salad Days:

You know the “he was a skater boy and she did ballet” kind of set-up? Well here we have a boxer and a ballet dancer…and hey, “can I make it any more obvious”?

This one is basically a feel-good story of the century. It’s childhood friends to lovers, and it’s soft and cuddly and encouraging, as we follow the main character, Jiang Shen, in achieving his ballet dreams. And on every step of the way, he’s accompanied by the boxer Bai Jinyi, who’s also chasing his own dreams.

The draw of this one is that while there’s obviously conflict to drive the plot along, it’s ultimately a comforting story, so you get all warm and squishy inside reading it. Bai Jinyi and Jiang Shen are very supportive of one another, as is everyone around them.

There’s even extras at the very end that swap the classes of the two main characters, which makes for a similarly compelling AU. 🤭

Beryl and Sapphire:

Not always BL but often is. What do I mean by that? Well it’s a story that can switch to any universe even as the characters stay the same, and some worlds are just one-off gags while some are whole story arcs. The original manhua features stick figures, so if you really want to experience this one, I’d recommend the donghua. The first season also cleverly shows the main characters as actors in the OP, which explains all the world-switching pretty easily haha.

Don’t Pick Up Boyfriends from the Trash Bin:

Unfortunately I’m not sure the manhua for this one is still ongoing, but the original novel (all about transmigration and hopping multiple worlds) 100% features a green flag top.

The Guy Inside Me:

I know the title sounds sexual lol but it’s actually a joke about how it’s a body-swap story. 😆

The original Chinese title is “This Question Is Too Difficult”) and of course, the author also wrote Fake Slackers, which has two very smart students act like terrible ones due to not wanting trouble.

Falling to Where I Belong:

The thing about this one is that the top is 100% a total green flag... It's the main character that's more of a red flag, in the sense he at first only asks the top out to humiliate him due to a misunderstanding.

But it's still a heartfelt story filled with regret and growth, and I did really like the portrayal of Cheng Feichi. Personally I think the manhua humanizes him a bit more than the novel since we didn't really get his POV in the novel that often, but I did hope for even more emotion in the ending... Still, it was a satisfying read, and while I would like to comfort the main character, Zhen Yeming, over his regrets, I really want to just give all the good things to Cheng Feichi, who definitely deserves it after everything he went through.

More Than Brothers:

For the "non-freaks" out there, they're not actual brothers, don’t worry; not adopted brothers either. Just a guy who saw his younger friend as his bro…until this friend disappeared from his life and apparently got into a bad crowd… Except in reality he is being harassed and is struggling to leave his abusive family.

The Protagonist Just Wants to Fall in Love:

Kind of a classic in the transmigration genre, except now we get multiple worlds in multiple arcs. Our protagonists are Systems on their final mission, aiming to become human by the end of it, and their task is to guide their protagonists away from the path of "darkening" (essentially corruption).

And each and every one of these systems do so by getting their protagonist to fall in love with them lol.

Unsurprisingly, my favourite arc so far—in the manhua at least!—is the historical one between the advisor and the emperor, but the third—and currently ongoing as the time of me writing this—world between two university students who started getting close during military training and by playing games is also quite cute.

And okay, man I could really keep going, especially with the manhua that are based on novels, but this post is already really long asjakfl. It was, in fact, so fucking long YouTube wouldn't even let me post it at first until I cut it down AMFKGSJDFGS.

But I still want to at least give a shout out to some of the manhua with pretty healthy, green flag tops/gongs!:

Like Han Yuan, despite the characters not getting along at first and Yu Han being rather aloof to the spoiled Luo Linyuan, is still quite sweet at its core. Lovely Allergen is as well, even with their "brotherly" relationship being the forefront of the conflict between Song Yu and Yue Zishi.

Another kind I wanted to bring up is the ones where their worlds or stories are dark, but the characters aren't necessarily. Like The Film Emperor, He Insisted on Being My Patron has a very green flag gong (he's such a puppy!), but he and the main character are up against the reddest of red flags of a villain LMDFKGSJFD.

It's also not a manhua I think people who want green flag leads would necessarily enjoy, given that beyond being "darker," it also goes into the territory of fan service-y and "problematic" nsfw content, but again, the male lead is really quite sweet to the main character despite the shitty situation they're in.

And I thought of Bu Chonghua from Tunhai aka Swallowing the Seas (another one based on a novel), since the main character there, Wu Yu, comes to see Bu Chonghua as so good and just that he pushes him away because he feels like he can't dirty such a man with his own darkness, both in his past and personality. It's a trope I really enjoy.

I'll briefly mention some ⚠️ spoilers ⚠️but the reason I wanted to highlight it is because: the latest chapter of the manhua has Bu Chonghua overhear Wu Yu saying he likes Bu Chonghua, and this is after Wu Yu disappeared and Bu Chonghua is worried he skipped town for good. He follows Wu Yu, all while wondering if the like Wu Yu holds for him is the same as his liking of Wu Yu, and when Wu Yu is about to be gravely injured in an underground fighting ring, Bu Chonghua steps in to save him... The chapter ends with Wu Yu holding him back pleading with him to stop because it's not worth dirtying his hands with such a man as his opponent, and that's such a delicious flavour of angst because like...Wu Yu thinks it's fine for he himself to fight against such a person, but he doesn't want Bu Chonghua to. ;-;

Oops. I didn't mean for this to become a deeper ramble of Tunhai KMSGFKGHSJ. It's just interesting to me since Tunhai and its prequel, Poyun aka Breaking Through the Clouds, may not have what the people who prefer green flag tops want in terms of content, but its tops are technically not that much of a red flag either.

Which also get us to the kind of stories where plot can also sort of outweigh whether a top/gong is a green flag or not. Like No Arguing With Mr. Mo has two characters who struggle greatly in their relationship, with the question of "are they in love?" being an overarching issue for them, meaning it's not exactly healthy, and prevents them from being fully either green or red flags.

I also didn't bring up a lot of historical/xianxia manhua, which I'm sure some people may disagree with... Like the leads in Tianbao Fuyao Lu are arguably quite good, and while I haven't read Dinghai Fusheng Lu yet, I assume it's in a similar boat as something set in the same world.

And then there's the ones that develop into green flags... Like Mo Ran starts off awful, yes, but he does become much better later on!! But I don't think that's what those people after green flags want to hear lol. Plus I'd argue Erha is best experienced in novel (or audio drama) form over the manhua anyway—the manhua feels more like something made for established fans in my opinion.

Regardless, I hope this shows that with so many listed above, many manhua actually feature male leads who really do care for their love interests in a healthy, respectful way, whether they're 100% green flags or they develop into green flags or they're not even complete green flags. ^^

Edit: Oh I forgot to link my full list of danmei/baihe manhua recs HMSKFJSKS. I currently don’t have any summaries, tags, or content warnings in this list though, but there’s quite the range of stories!:

[everybody-loves-purdy]

With a bit of inference, Moth Flight’s Vision is an accidental tragedy about generational trauma.

Moth Flight’s Vision is a book which tries to justify the medicine cat abstinence rule, and it fails at this. This is mainly due to the exceptional circumstances Moth Flight was in when she gave up her kits. And obviously you have the fact she was a very young mother with four children in a time before a nursery system and when Moth Flight herself was also navigating being the first ever medicine cat. But I want to bring up another aspect of Moth Flight’s Vision that heavily influences our titular character’s decision to give up her children and bar all medicine cats from ever having mates or kits: Trauma.

And I want to stress that at no point so I think the Erins wanted to make this a story about trauma. But boy did they accidentally make a pretty compelling story about generational trauma. You need to squint a little though but trust me, it’s there. Accidentally put in the narrative like some of the best stuff in warrior cats often is.

So the trauma I am referring two comes from two cats in her life, her mother Wind Runner/ Windstar and her mate Micah.

So if we start with the former, Wind Runner at the start of Moth Flight’s Vision is very critical of Moth Flight. She has no patience for Moth Flight getting distracted and her lack of hunting skill, and voices how she dislikes Moth Flight’s lack of prey contribution to the clan, and frequently insults her and makes snide remarks to her. Such as you can see in just this one example.

All this leaves Moth Flight feeling inferior and feeling like she is wrong.

All this cumulates in an argument in which Wind Runner lists how irresponsible she believes Moth Flight to be tells Moth Flight she is a danger to her clan. And Moth Flight believes her, and runs away.

Now after this once Moth Flight returns as a medicine cat we don’t really get anything like this from Wind Runner again but the damage is done. Now here’s where the inference has to start coming in a bit. Who wouldn’t be left with a complex after this? Who wouldn’t be left with the need to prove themselves however they can? Moth Flight certainly sets out to please Wind Runner and prove she can be useful to her clan in the early part of the book when she’s receiving this abuse. So why would it just evaporate later when she actually finds something she’s good at and can be of great use to her clan doing? Just put a pin in that for a moment.

Also while we’re talking about Wind Runner; Moth Flight has a conversation with her dead siblings about how she wishes she could please Wind Runmer, which leads to her dead siblings saying that the reason Wind Runner is so harsh towards Moth Flight is because of the trauma she experienced when she lost her kits. Wind Runner’s trauma is ultimately what is causing her to inflict trauma onto Moth Flight.

And now we move onto the second inflicter of trauma in Moth Flight’s life: Micah. Don’t worry, unlike Wind Runner, Micah didn’t inflict any trauma on Moth Flight through his own actions. Unless you count dying in a tragic accident right in front of Moth Flight. In which case yeah, his actions did inflict trauma on her. At least it was an accident.

Micah’s death deeply traumatises Moth Flight. She cannot bear to be in WindClan due to it, she lives in ShadowClan for a moon, avoiding going home due to her grief, and then only travels back once she realises she is pregnant, and decides she wants to be with kin.

The stage is set. The Erins have a young cat set up about to have four kittens that she’s going to give away and change the medicine cat code forever. What they do not realise is that the trauma they have influenced on this character can most definitely be inferred to have an effect on her actions surrounding her children from this point forward, ultimately being perceived as a large push as to why she gives them up.

The book wants us to believe that she gives up her kittens because it is just inherently impossible to be a medicine cat and have mates and children. Which isn’t true as cats such as Leafpool and Yellowfang have since proven wrong. And obviously there are the exceptional circumstances Moth Flight herself has been subjected to during this period. But her trauma can also be perceived to pay a huge part in her feeling like she cannot balance her duties and her children.

To start off with. The first moon of her kits life is fine. Moth Flight steps back from medicine cat duties and lets the very knowledgeable Reed Tail take primary healer duties for the clan. The book skips over the first moon with her kits and therefore we can assume nothing important happens, and no issues come from Moth Flight raising her kits for this first moon. Moth Flight does reflect that how she did on occasion try and do checkups but her kits always called her away. And here, while Moth Flight is reflecting on this, we get this paragraph:

So here we learn two things:

She feels ready to stop having Reed Tail help her when her kits are a moon and a half (6 weeks) old.

Moth Flight does not want to let go of her kits for any amount of time. She equates Slate saying that she can leave the kits for short periods to them not having a mother figure in their lives. And she thinks her kits can only receive adequate love from her.

So with point 1, Moth Flight’s kittens are still little babies. And she feels that she should go back to being a full time medicine cat when they’re still that young despite having Reed Tail to hold the fort, and dismissing him as her helper entirely after this point. And here I’m going to bring back the idea of inference. I feel that this could stem from Wind Runner’s abuse at the start of the book. Wind Runner left her daughter feeling so compelled to be useful to her clan that she’s throwing herself back into her work far too early in order to keep her mother happy and be of use to the clan in the only way Moth Flight feels she can be. Is any of this written in the book? Hell no. But I feel that you can absolutely infer that Moth Flight’s drive to get back to work so soon is due to the lasting trauma and insecurities her mother had imposed on her.

Point 2 is a lot to unpack and here, and this is a point that comes up again, how Moth Flight feels compelled to take care of her kits personally rather than hand them off to babysitters due to their lack of a living father.

So if we use some of that inference here, we can infer that Micah’s death has left Moth Flight insecure about leaving her children alone. She feels that she is the only one who can properly take care of them in her clan. And, undoubtedly by accident, this idea comes back. There are two incidents with her leaving her kits to be babysat and irresponsible babysitting causes the kits to get hurt. The first is where she goes to a gathering and Rocky encourages three of the kits to climb a rock but tells the fourth she’s not ready. So the very next day she climbs the rock. She falls, she gets hurt. And not once does Moth Flight get angry at Rocky for encouraging her children to climb a big rock, oh no, she blames herself.

There isn’t one second where she thinks about how it’s Rocky’s fault this situation arose. She entirely blames herself for it, and the situation is never even discussed with Rocky.

And then something similar happens later on. Storm Pelt is supposed to be watching the kits while Moth Flight goes to RiverClan. And then all four kits end up following her and one of them falls in the river. She doesn’t blame Storm Pelt for any of this. She doesn’t have a single word of blame to say to him about him allowing all four of her children to follow her to RiverClan. And from that we can infer (even though again, the book doesn’t say) she feels the blame lies with herself. This inference can be strengthened given that this is the incident which causes her to feel she should give up her kits.

On top of her feeling wholly responsible for her kits at all times no matter who is looking after them, the main other way they distract her from her medicine cat duties is when she suddenly becomes paranoid that some horrible tragedy has befallen them while she isn’t watching them. And I think all of this paranoia and heightened sense of responsibility regarding her kits all comes down to Micah.

He died traumatically in front of her eyes. She feels extra protective of her children because they no longer have a father. And we can infer that her paranoia of them meeting a gruesome fate has come from her witnessing the painful death of her beloved Micah.

And where does this leave us? All this trauma stemming from both her mother and beloved? Well, Moth Flight decrees that medicine cats must not have mates or kits. She then inflicts trauma onto her own children by separating them and forcing them all to live apart. The trauma that Wind Runner and Moth Flight experienced can now be inferred to have trickled down to both Moth Flight’s kits, and many, many medicine cats for decades to come. The book wants you to believe this is because kits can distract from medicine cat duties, that they can pull a medicine cat away from important duties. But that only happens in Moth Flight’s Vision due to poor babysitters or mainly Moth Flight becoming paranoid that her kits are going to die horribly like their father once they’re out of her sight.

Is this all a stretch? Absolutely. I have no doubt this was absolutely not the intention of the Erins at all. But in the words of Todd Chavez:

Isn’t the point of art less what people put into it and more of what people get out of it?

And thats what I get out of Moth Flight’s Vision. A story about how tragic trauma can be, not only for an individual, but also for others if it becomes generational.

[fountainpenguin]

Riddle watches New Wish - Post #19

Riddle's Extremely Specific FOP Problems

Just came from looking at screenshots I'd saved of Dev, like these ones from "A New Dev-elopment":

I don't think I've said this yet, but the funny thing about Dev is that his hair reminds me of how I draw Happy Peppy Gary, who's been one of my main doodle muses since 2016. They both have ginger spikes:

This week I actually redesigned Gary's hair by letting it grow longer and more curly in the back, so I'll keep Dev's short in the back and only spiky in the front.

They have different skin and eye colors, etc., but it is funny that like, 6(?) years ago, I put Gary in a zipper hoodie.

I do a lot of traditional art, and I'm really gonna have to do a sketchpage nailing their designs down so they look different in pencil.

My current Gary design does have a spiral in his hair since I do that for all my witches, and I don't think that'll ever come up for Dev, especially if Dale Dimm really is Dev's ancestor - the one person who's extremely UNlikely to be a witch - so... there's that.

Some old Gary sketches where he IS in his Learnatorium clothes:

I feel like I could redraw any of these poses with Dev, lol. The freckles do a ton of heavy lifting here.

....... I've been writing Ed Leadly and Gary as rivals for YEARS and this is once again adding a cruel layer of irony to my "Ed Leadly as Dev's grandpa" situation.

Every time I see this kid, I see My Boy in him.

They are the same person to me...

The Haunting of Wells House

I like how Marcus keeps calling his daughter Hazelnut. It's cute. I'm glad to see him ready to hunt the "apartment ghost" he's been after since Episode 1.

Hooray for Cosmo and Wanda acting like neighbors!

I feel like they shouldn't be giving a horror movie to a child if they haven't seen it themselves and then walk back to their room, especially since their line of work is about trauma recovery (or at least... helping kids avoid hurt). They should know better than that.

I'm so glad you can see into their apartment from the hall. Literally nothing stops you or hides their magic stuff. You can just do it...

Marcus sniffing the video while fancy dinner music plays is my everything. They're BOTH silly.

I like how Cosmo and Wanda poofed up a TV for the apartment and included cobwebs and spiders on it. I guess that makes sense; they were giving Hazel a horror movie.

Ooh, ghostly lightning spirit of the actress trapped in the video?

Hazel has learned nothing from her last experience of wishing to be part of a TV show. She's 10.

Wait, so... Cosmo and Wanda can hear Hazel's casual wish from across the hall? And poof over?

Uh, maybe we don't tell that to Dev, who just flipped out last episode when Peri didn't show up despite Dev whisper-calling for him when Vicky was putting him to work...

She... Also, I can't believe Marcus left his daughter under a heavy machine for 4 hours.

So far, our only canon fairy death fits the OG series' implied canon that only non-magical items can kill Fairies [i.e. "magic doesn't affect magic" from "Abra-catastrophe"], so I like that.

I don't have much to say. Pepper seems interesting I suppose, and I can probably have her be a friend of Blonda's in 'fic.

I enjoy Jorgen grumpily cleaning up magic messes. That feels right.

... Unclear if Jorgen is keeping a bunch of fairies locked in the basement or if he just has a shelf full of similar-looking items.

[rednleafff]

Casey J in G?F

More info dump? Yes sir – but this time I'm gonna talk mainly about our beloved Casey j. We all know and love our future boy and wish him the very best life that he can have after all that he went through – BUT – I can't stop thinking about the fact that – he will need probably a looong time to actually settle in, even if he will learn the way of "the simple life of a teenager" – this boy still lost – literally everyone but he also gained them all back – but different – they wont be the same people he once knew because they wont go through the same things – even if their key thing will stay – they still wont be the people he once knew – but they will probably look like them the more they grow up and how difficult is to let go of something when that very something is right Infront of your eyes but  different ? or the survival guilt he must be dealing with? I personally think – he would want to love the simple – less stressful life – but wont be able to – even if he would try to work through his trauma and all – it not something he will ever be able to shake completely - sure he might leave to see the world one day, alone or with someone, and he will get the chance to see thew world he fought tooth and nail to save – and slowly but surely he would learn to love this place, even with it bitter moments. now here it's where I come with Yummi eheh their relationship is actually my favorite – (sorry Leo <3 I love you with all my heart) because – as I see it – When Baby Yummi first joins their family, Casey gets to witness a very familiar behavior from the fam, the parental behavior from Leo, the uncley vibes from the turtles, this baby is basically plays a similar role that was belongs to him back in his time line – he will be a little bit distance from her in the beginning, not on purpose it will just happen- they will share their sweet moments here and there but very few in her first couple of years – until she learns to walk and talk enough that when she gets really clingy to his specifically so he plays along, he really do cares for her, its just – hard- after everything , but then – they share a small moment when she asks him if he's going to join them to some place, he says no cause of reasons, so she claims she won't go either and when asking her why – cause she was so excited to go she will say she wants to go with him cause its always much more fun when he's around – she doesn’t even gives to it much attention, she probably draws or something, but Casey – he think about it a little bit more, Yummi wasn’t present in his time line – she can't because she was created as a result of the Kraang invasion and defeat, and although he saw the world met people that nowadays are alive instead of dead or surviving, saw kids that got the chance to grow up and be born at all – he wasn’t really closed to all that – and maybe that why he didn’t felt a connection to this reality yet? He's always around the people who sometimes he sees the ghost of their past? Other? Self? And he loved them to death don’t get me wrong, but Yummi specifically (up to this point of the story) is the only very closed person to him who doesn’t have "another version of". Casey had to learn to love the world his whole family knew and tried to fight back to save it – but he never had that connection to that world, he was a little bit to stuck in the past, to focus on the ghost of people that wont ever be that it was hard for him to love the present that they all gave him. So – this kid – that little gremlin is one of his first connections to this reality that doesn’t rely on something from his timeline – if that makes sense? It makes sense to me lol. Casey's 20's are ups and down, but from this point forward – I think he will find it much easier to breathe and be present in this timeline. maybe part 2 someday – cause their relationship get's a serious twist when its revealed  and Yummi is part Kraang lol (here are scracps of a comic i worked on but will never finish - it takes place after Yummi's whole - Kraang arc)  

[jairyferry]

Man don't you just hate having toxic ex's?? I got 3 of them to list off. TW❗CUSSING, SA, AND TRAUMA DUMP❗❗

First on the list is my ex girlfriend lets call her isa for short. She was 13 while I was 10. Me and her met online on tiktok when she was getting harassed and bullied (deserved) i felt bad because i was just 10 and kind at that time, she was posting suicidal posts and the little ol’ me decided to be friends with her thats when shit went downwards.

After a couple months of our friendship she developed feelings for me (PEDO) she confessed to me and I was too stupid enough to give the same confession back. She knew that i was 10 and still went forward with it

Note: my dad owned my account and could see all of this don't ask where the parents are in these situations.

When me and her started “dating” she was a bit possessive over fictional characters and would constantly gaslight me or be a narcissistic bitch. She didn't care about how I felt about this and kept on going and going. She lied about being lesbian and started talking about other guys and that was very uncomfortable for me. I had bad depression during those times and anxiety when she would threaten to block me or unfriend me. Just a reminder that her mom hates me because she thinks that I say inappropriate things to her when her own daughter is the one who is starting all of this.

I had enough one day and didn't care that she would block me. After that I thought it was finally over and I could move on..but boy was I wrong. She came back once again and made multiple accounts to stalk me, she would try to win me back and always copied everything I did for example: she'd copy my video ideas and make them her own and whenever I changed my pfp she'd change it to a similar thing. She also lies about everything and i mean EVERYTHING She takes screenshots of random rooms from online and says that its her room or she steals art and claims it as hers when I can literally see the watermark on the art (Be more smarter buddy) she's still stalking me to this day and still is gaslighting me and never stops lying. She has been sending threats about her stalking me and making fun of my mothers death (triggered my trauma)

I had to block multiple accounts and still to this day she makes multiple to get to me. SOS please

My second ex (Erick) who I also met on tiktok after the whole Isa situation, I admit he was very friendly at first he was super kind to me and we are the same age. I had a friend named fatal (best friend now bf) who was in a group with me and Erick. We were an amazing trio. Everything was swell until both boys had a crush on me at the same time, (I know CRAZZYYY) but I met Erick first and not Fatal. So I developed a crush on Erick after there was a big argument about Fatal's inappropriate behavior in our trio. It was exactly in June when we confessed to each other..It was an amazing experience. I loved him a lot until his friends came in and made him distant from me. He would barely talk to me and only would acknowledge me at night and he started to become very rude and didn't care how I felt about it. Me and Fatal became friends again at that time and Erick would leave me to have to be taken care of by Fatal. Fatal has been there for me during mine and Erick's relationship and our spark faded after all of that. Until before the night of my birthday when things became bad between us, we got into an argument about how he was mistreating the things I do for him. He was being ungrateful about a character I made just for him. We got into a huge argument leading him to ignore me the whole day of my birthday. I was still mad and after a couple days I apologized and he never answered me. He ghosted me for a whole month until after his birthday he wanted to break up. I was at school and ended up breaking down after that, I couldn't stand being just friends with him from how bad he treated me. We got into ANOTHER argument and we didn't talk to each other for a year, he came back this year wanting another chance (I was with someone else I'll get to that later) So my dumbass broke up with my recent lover and tried again with him

I was depressed during that time and Erick was sorta helping me until he started complaining about how depressed I am and that he lost feelings for me. He treated me the same way he did and he “apologized” to me about it but it didn't seem like he meant it. I'll give an update if he comes back again

Lets go last on my newly ex boyfriend. Angel. (Warning this is actual pedophilia and i was too blind to give him up) So Angel and I had a huge age gap i mean HUGE I'm 14 and he's just 18. And he still was being sexual with me and flirty when i asked him not to until he convinced me to break up with my boyfriend who I love dearly.. (I went back with him) the reason why i did break up with my boyfriend is because we had issues that we needed to figure out, don't worry we talked about it and now we're fine ANYWAYS back to Angel. He finally got me to give in and automatically became super sexual with me. He'd ask me for nudes constantly and never acknowledge me when i was willing to give up my time with my friends to be with him.

I've confronted him multiple times that i didn't like how distant we were and that we should make a schedule of some sort, he said he "understood" but clearly not cause he still ignored me for a whole fucking month. I've had enough near the end when i realized that he was putting me last and i understand that he was always busy but when he wasn't he could've reassured me that he loved me, he barely said i love you to me. FWI he was always on Instagram and never on discord which i use more often. His bio said that he was Single when me and him were dating but apparently he's now taken when i broke up with him. When i finally told him that i have had enough he thankfully agreed to break up and now me and him are just distant i don't care about talking to him while i have my amazing boyfriend back again.

Another thing. He has VR and gaming consoles that he always plays on whenever hes not busy. I had him on my ps4 and he didn't care to ask to hang out when i asked him if we could, he always forgets to call me or text me when he said he would and it was giving me bad anxiety and depression leading me to not be interested in a habit that was the reason for me and my boyfriend to grow a bond and that hurts me a lot.

SOOOOO yeah! Crazy ex's :,D

[leighlew3]

Hi Leigh. I hope you’re feeling okay. And if you’re not, that’s fine too. We all love you and are here for you.

I know it’s probably not the best time to discuss my concern but like ptsd sometimes ruins my head and I feel extremely paranoid if I don’t try to protect someone I care about.

What I’m trying to say is(and this is entirely presuming through some of your previous posts) that sometimes you do more than your sibling. Which doesn’t mean that it’s bad unless…..it’s sort of intentional in his part?

Once again I’m sorry if this makes you mad and I get it, family can be complicated and I’m just a stranger trying to give you unsolicited advice.

I have a reason to do so and that is I’ve seen my mom under the shadows of her brother. Considering he was a monster and I’m assuming your brother isn’t. Because I only know just one part of his life. However, I’m trying to advice you(sorry for the unsolicited advice btw) because my uncle is a horrendous man. When my granny got cancer and was on her death bed, it was almost the exact situation that you had described in one of your posts. And so I got flashbacks of that time(ptsd??) and I have to admit my uncle is probably way worse considering he tried to sexually assault me when I was 10. But that’s besides the point. What I’m getting to here is that it took years for mom to recognise the behaviour and the nature of her brother until she snapped and then completely cut him off for good. But all those years, she suffered under his tyranny (?) and unfortunately I had to deal with it too.

I just hope that if your case is similar even just a little to what I described, just think about it as a whole. That’s all. I’m not telling you what to do. All I’m saying is be careful.

Much love ❤️

First, thank you, and I'm so sorry you went through that. 💜

So, my brother... was always a genuinely good guy who did the right things, when it counted most at least, especially compared to our evil, abuser 'father'. Unfortunately, he's lately been going through some sort of early mid-life crisis or something, I dunno. But he's just abandoned a lot of people and responsibilities he shouldn't. Things and people that should mean the most are now on the bottom of the priority list.

I've always taken care of our mom single-handedly. I think he's chipped in financially, barely, like... a couple minor times. And for a long time he made more money than I did, so there was no excuse. He just always even as kids amidst trauma -- checked out. His way to deal was to just... not. To run away. To shut it out. Go about his life. Leaving us to survive alone, etc at the time.

Anyway, it broke my heart when I told him this last Christmas might be our last with mom, and to please come, she wanted to be with him and the boys (my nephews) for Christmas, badly. And he instead decided to spend it with his new girlfriend of (at the time) 2 months. The boys were devastated because they could tell grandmama's health was declining and they wanted to be with her/us for Christmas...

Now, after her death, the oldest (15) has said, "Well, we didn't get to see her for Christmas and now she's gone." and the youngest (11, an extra sensitive young soul) hasn't stopped crying fairly regularly since she died. They were already dealing with their parents' split a year or so go, and then their dad basically checking out the second he met the new girlfriend. And now they lost their grandmama who loved them SO much and made them her whole world in the way she made her own children (us) her whole world.

Mom did the best she could for us under hellish circumstances, and she was not perfect, but she was a GOOD mom who loved her two children, would die for her children, always put us first above ALL, including and especially herself. She loved and cared for him so much and he just abandoned her. But for me I always saw no other option BUT taking care of her. She took care of me the first 18 years of her life. So I took care of her the last 18 or so years of hers. I told her she could retire as a teacher's aide and I'd take care of her when her back and legs got bad after years of steroid use due to her asthma + years of abuse. I took care of her, and us. For so long. And in the very end, her last year or so, I was the one bathing her, cleaning up her bowel movement bags, helping her get to the commode by her bed, I was the one feeding her, bringing her her pills, and bankrupting myself on her medical costs -- even as I myself was dealing with long COVID exhaustion/heart/BP issues. To the point that she and I even started having issues of emotional conflict due to both of us being so fucking TIRED and exhausted and frustrated, her suffering, me exhausted and at wits end mental health wise in every way. Those are things I'll forever have to live with and try to process and forgive myself for but at the hospital one night I washed her hair and face and put her lipstick on her and she forgave me for my moments of frustration, and gently thanked me for taking care of her, especially because I was the only one who ever did...

Anyway, I asked him, in order to make room for her hospice bed while she was in the hospital, if he would grab some bed cover bags for the beds to go into my storage, so hospice had room to install her literal death bed. I hadn't slept in a week, being at the hospital anywhere from 5-12 hours a day to be sure she was being treated right and wasn't alone. She hated being there alone and I refused to let her be alone. I was exhausted. His ex wife was there at the hospital with mom to relieve me more than he was. She's been there for me this whole time in ways that if I hadn't had her, I don't think I would've made it through.

So, I was running around making sure mom's whole room was redone for her comfort, the equipment, etc (for what wound up being 2.5 days before she died, but at least I got her home in time and she passed at home like I always promised her I would make sure she did) -- and I just needed him to grab $10 plastic covers from U-Haul and come help me move the beds. He came to help me move the bed, but claimed her couldn't buy the bed covers (?!). He came by a total of... 3-4 times, briefly, throughout the hospital / hospice / hell final days because his priority was his new girlfriend and her children, over his own dying mother, his sister who was exhausted, and his sons who were devastated and hurting and trying to process it all.

I love my brother, I always will, but in her final days he broke her heart. He abandoned me. And now she's gone and aside from him holding me for 30 seconds the night she died (the first time he's really hugged me in half our life) -- he hasn't even called or texted since she died, or the memorial, to ask if I'm okay. He hasn't checked on me. He's just... living his life.

One of mom's dying wishes, I even have on tape, was telling him to take care of his little sister (me) and his sons (especially due to recent events that were devastating her around all that).

And I'm breaking. And I'm not okay.

But this is where it's that thing... where it's always been mom and me, just us, against the world, on our own, no matter who else came or went. No matter what, we at least had each other.

But now she's gone.

I don't have my mom anymore, my best friend, my confidant, my biggest champion and defender... my world is gone. Half my heart and soul is gone. And I don't even have my brother either, really. Barely ever have. I took care of our mom alone most of my adult life while he got to live his. And I'm angry with him for abandoning us all this time and putting it all on me, but especially at the end. And I don't know if I'll ever be able to get past that. My mom always thought he'd come around, she only ever wanted to see the best in him, and it's heartbreaking. She loved him so much, just as much as she loved me even though I was the one who was always there for her... because she couldn't ever really face that he just... wasn't there, and wasn't going to be there.

But I was. Even in the end. And now I'm broken.

But he's just living his life.

And none of that seems fair.

But that's life, I guess.

[asoulofatlantis]

Aeris biggest trauma is losing her mother... I think Ilfana knew her time was running out and the reason she pushed herself so hard in her state was because she wanted a better, saver future for her daughter. She might have died earlier that way, but I guess she would have died either way, so she decided her daughters freedom and happiness was worth it.

I do feel sorry for Aerith but who's IDEA was it to let us run around listening to "My mom is sick!" so often that the scene loses its emotional meaning because of how annoying it is?

Poor child...

Okay. That enough. I canÄt take all that pain and suffering anymore!

And the worst part comes now! Our Cloud, in the state he is in right now, has to take care of this. URG! Or not? Everyone is coming out of their rooms now. So... what was that for? Pain?

That doesn't make it feel or sound better tho, Aerith. But I get it, you are in a position were making death sound not so bad is necessary...

Preparing Cloud for what is coming while he is so indifferent and doesn't seem to care much seems like such a waste of time and energy Aerith. Get the boy out of this state and THEN try again. Oh! That wasn't about the future, that was about Clouds words mimicking Sephiroth, saying that death is a homecoming. But... he is still indifferent about it.

Big words for someone who gets stabbed in an hour or two...

I really do not get the purpose of this shit at all. Aeriths speech doesn't hold any meaning as soon as you see her die the same way she always has and Cloud is not touched by it at all in his state and neither do I feel like it has been given us or the characters anything storywise or characterwise. It was a nice monolog, but for what?

Huch? Cloud Flashback? Is this his trial or... is Sephiroth messing with him again?

Okay it IS Clouds trial WHILE Sephiroth is messing with him...

I would't say Cloud didn't feel any sadness over the death of Jessie and Biggs... but it is true, that he did not shed any tears - but I am a very emotional person who easily cries when someone dies and I didn't cry either - BUT he didn't know them that long or that good to be fair tho. ALSO we did saw him cry when he "remembered" Aeriths death. So its not like he is incapable of feelings like that, like Sephiroth says. They are just very likely mostly buried under all the bullshit Sephiroth wispers in his ears and his Jenova Cells do to him. And his Trauma-Response after Zacks death.

Tifa is doing it again. Cloud needs someone to tell him that something is wrong with him but that of course they will find a way to help him. Instead she says "Its okay" but it is NOT OKAY!

Are these freaking Demon-Walls?!

Does no one in this freaking game know what it means to bleed to death? SE needs some medical training. Seriously.

Okay. Thats it. He finally freaking snapped. Its not like no one warned you idiots about this, but you decided to prefer to treat Cloud like a stupid child. Now you get what you deserve for it...

I guess... he felt bad about what he did? Or actually did it to protect them?

Did you see that scary grin just now? I highly doubt it! And its your fault that it came this far! You and the other idiots who decided to treat Cloud like he simply had dementia and so you have to play along to keep him stable. But his problem is far bigger and keeping him away from the truth only made it worse!

I could have sworn I saw a second puppet in Reeves office so... I can't feel sad here... sorry.

Glad that I didn't waste any tears on that one. I didn't expect him to be back that fast tho XD

I am glad to have him back tho. Just no so glad that I have to give him all the material back that I have already given the others, which once belonged to him ^^'

So that Materia was not the black Materia they were searching for, but the key to the actually black materia that can do awful things. And thanks to everyone being idiots, its now in Sephiroths hands. Wonderful! A round of applause for our team of idiots!

He is still out of his mind. Someone gonna free the boy from Sephiroths control or what?

And that was useful how? If you haven't noticed yet, letting go of the material does nothing to Cloud. Sephiroth is the problem.

Oh how great. Now Aerith has it, making her Clouds and Sephiroths target. Do you guys have any more bride ideas like that? Possible before Aeriths gets killed earlier than she should?

He pushed Tifa away, very unceremoniously. Which shouldn't surprise her, after he almost killed her before when he was in that state. But I guess she just had to overestimate her influence on him.

Clouds manic laughter while he chases Aerith is scary as heck!

Well I mean... at least he said please? ^^' I guess something inside of him is still not wanting to hurt her... just... not sure how big that part of him is and how much self-control it gives him.

The Shipper in me is crying in pain. No scene with Tifa could be as cruel then watching Cloud acting like this and putting Aerith in danger. Part of what makes their ship great is, that they always protect each other. She saves me, I save her, round and round it goes. Please, don't ruin this Cloud!

[pinkrabit]

ATLA LA Episode 3 Omashu

"We have our anger. We have our grief.. We have hope." It's good to see a message mildly consistent with the LA and the OG.

Yessss let's kill Ozai

This boys gonna die, huh.

THE FIRELORD THRONE IS SO BEAUTIFUL

Ambush kinda sucks though. God, ozai is such an arrogant bitch. He's perfect.

I love the aspect of fire nation citizens being shone to hate the leadership of the firenation early on.

Little Azula

THIS POOR BOY IS GONNA DIE HE DIDNT DESERVE THIS

Jesus Azula just watching with a mild smirk and her arrogance. She is a mad king. Just like her father. Just like the OG.

Her anger at hearing her brother succeeding in a wild goose chase, if only a little <3

I like Katara being self-taught. It shows her dedication, her appreciation to her (nearly lost) culture, and her accepting help from a master of another element *aang)

"Tap into your feelings" shows trauma of watching her mother die. Her mother is still a major drive. Like the OG

"The monks said I never listened. At least I think that's what they said. I never listened."

WHOSE OUT HERE SAYING AANG ISNT AANG LOOK AT HIM

Sokka being a road trip dad is in 2/3 avatar universes.

Katara teasing Sokka aboit Suki is beautiful

Zhao has already snitched baby boy Zuko

Zuko just being a mild angsty teen instead of extremely angsty is fine but I need more.

Even if Zuko doesn't like Zhao there are rules he has to follow.

"We're fire nation. Even out here." He told himself that his entire banishment in every universe. We HAVE TO KNOW THAT.

OMASHU IS GLORIOUS

"What makes you think we're outsiders??" Aang, my sweet boy, you're not wearing the typical fantasy wear. Your clothes are orange. Not green. Don't you know the nation's base shit off of colors??? Silly goose.

Katara taking the lead to connect feels on brand.

Sokka scoffing at people flirting with his sister!!!!

"STRUCK MUTE AT BIRTH" you just know sokka hates that in every universe

Aang running off like the 12 year old he is.

I like them blending Omashu with the Inventor's story and Teo, actually. I wonder if Bumi knows Sai is giving plans to the firenation.

"There spies are everywhere in the city." ... like you're father..??

Aang once again being u comfortable with the description of violence.

I don't appreciate "Sai" allegedly creating the mail system.

Sokka is acting like a kid in a candy store with all the tinkering stuff. He's such a need.

The bombing! (The G)Aangs reaction!! Aang is having another "I can't be a kid, I'm the Avatar" moment.

Azula raving!!! TY LEE!!! MAI!!

Ty Lee seems quirky enough. Mai is still so sullen. My precious girls.

Azula feeling entitled to the throne for helping Ozai fits so well with the end of the OG.

Sokka volunteering to help the mechanist!!!

WHERE IS KING BUMI. I WANT TO SEE THIS BUFF CRAZY OLD MAN.

Kataras mistakes in her bending 🥺🥺

Oop

PRETTY BOY SAVES KATARA

PRETTY BOY IS JET????

His outfit is so good

I like turning Jet into a more calculated loose canon.

Teo and Aang laughing together 🥹🥹 Aang is acting like a boy !

THE ANKLE MOVE FROM JET

KATARA SUCCESSFUL ATTACK

THE WHISTLE FROM JET

The Duke! Longshot! SMELLERBEE! Pipsqueak!

"We're the good guys." The road to hell is paved with good intentions, Jet.

Sokka gushing about his dad to the Mechanist 🥹🥹

"If not us, then who?"

THE TREE HOMES

Jet get that fucking weed out of your mouth

Anarchist!Jet supremacy

"If not us, then who"

Of course, it's not the fire nation.

I like that the show seems to be keeping up with, to a certain degree, that the "good side" can be bad

Katara and Jet sharing stories about their mothers.

"Lately, [my mother's death] been coming back to me." Because now you're ready to begin healing. You're ready for the memories your mind suppressed. You are ready to feel the anger and injustice. You are now "safe" to do so.

The "Fight with everything you have" message/motif has not been lost in this show. At least with Jet

Her mom <333

Now. I am a kataang shipper. I love their endless devotion and trust in one another. I love how their feelings for each other were so gradual you could hardly see it. They are each others hope and home

BUT.. I really like this katara/jet moment

Zuko, love, you're such a Hater.

THE PAI SHO TILE.

I love the charcoal pencil Azula's using. Pretty accurate, historically, if I remember correctly.

NOT JEE BEING A TRAITOR

Sokka, you brilliant nerd. You're so proud of the bird.

Katara, both Sai and Jet can be traitors. They are not mutually exclusive.

Katara, did I just hear your voice crack??? Sounds like emotional anger, I've been waiting for you to rise.

"I don't need proof for that" yes, Sokka, we know you're an ass and we love you anyway.

JET IF YOU HURT TEO ITS OVER

Jet, you're so unhinged, and true to the OG

Thank you, "sacrifice the few to save the many"

Jet's character is perfect.

ZUKO NOW IS NOT THE TIME

"This guy?? Again??" Yes, Sokka. Love the dry humor.

"This is my fight." No, Aangs. This is an adult's fight.

Zuko I understand you're a highly capable boy. You've worked hard to master bending and fighting, but you're ruining the marketplace atmosphere.

Zuko getting hit by an older woman like a thug is missing. No notes. This wasn't in the OG!

THE MAIL CARRIER ROLLER COASTER

Aang is so done with Zuko already, haha

Aang having Zuko’s diary, omg

"MY CABBAGES"

I like to think bending is similar to adrenaline. Where a fear response becomes strong enough to force your body to do something it otherwise couldn't do. Like with Katara's bending.

IROH BAITING HIMSELF FOR ZUKO AND ZUKO’S LITTLE SCARED FACE

Zuko looks so lost and guilty, after watching an adult sacrifice themselves for him.

Don't worry, my sweet misguided boy, Iroh has friends even if you can't make any.

"Uh, oh" NO SHIT AANG

[jdgo51]

Devotionals Daily - Make every day a better day… when you start with the Lord!

God Is Good All the Time

Today's inspiration comes from:

Seasons of Sorrow

by Tim Challies

Editor’s note: Death and suffering comes to all of us. Tim Challies shares his very personal journey of trauma and heartache after the loss of his son and finding comfort in Jesus.

"'I’ve heard of an old man, a stalwart of the Christian faith, who slipped from earth to heaven with the words of a child’s song upon his lips: “I have decided to follow Jesus, no turning back.”

I’ve heard the account of a renowned theologian who summarized his entire life’s work in a melody he learned upon his mother’s knee: “Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so.”1 Sometimes the simplest words are the most important. Though we hike beyond theological foothills to explore the towering mountains of God’s thoughts and deeds, we never forget the beauty, never stop needing the blessing, of the simplest truths.

I once attended a church where it was the custom of the pastor to pause in his liturgies or sermons to say, “God is good,” to which the congregation would reply, “All the time.” Then he would say, “All the time,” and the congregation would answer, “God is good.” It was a recital of the simplest of truths — that goodness is not an occasional attribute of God, not an infrequent disposition, but a constant one. It was meant to remind us that God’s goodness does not vary with our circumstances but is fully present and on display in our worst moments as well as our best, in our most lamentable experiences as well as our most joyful. And though the pastor’s little phrase may have become trite over time, though I may have grumbled about it in the past, today, right now, nothing is more precious to me, nothing is more important to me, than this:

God is good all the time, and all the time God is good.

This is not the only truth that is propping me up.

I’ve heard people in grief speak of God’s sovereignty, perhaps repeating a well-known phrase that compares it to a pillow upon which the child of God rests his head, giving perfect peace.2 Sovereignty speaks to power and the right to reign. It is the attribute of kings or potentates or others in positions of supremacy. Ultimately, it is an attribute of God himself, who rules Heaven and earth to such a degree that nothing happens or can happen apart from his will. Nothing is given to us that does not pass first through God’s own hand.3 God’s sovereignty is a sweeping doctrine that touches every aspect of life across every moment of creation and every corner of the universe. There is no moment, no spot, no deed, no death, that falls outside of it.

God is good all the time, and all the time God is good.

God’s sovereignty is offering me comfort in these dark days. It assures me that there was no earthly power, no demonic power, no fate or force above or below, that had its way with my boy, that interrupted or superseded God’s plan for him. There was no mo- ment in which God turned his back or got distracted with other affairs or nodded off to sleep. There was no medical deformity or genetic abnormality that had been overlooked by God. God’s sovereignty assures me that it was ultimately no one’s will but God’s that Nick lived just twenty short years, that he died with so much left undone, that he has departed and we have been left here without him. When Job was told of the death of his children, he did not say, “The Lord gave, and the devil has taken away,” but

The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away.

And with that certainty he blessed the name of that Lord.4

But while God’s sovereignty offers comfort, it offers comfort only if I know something more, something of his character. After all, God might be sovereign and capricious. He might be sovereign and selfish. He might be sovereign and arbitrary. He might be sovereign and evil. So for this reason I ask, “What else is true of God?”

If I am laying my head on any pillow in these days, it is the pillow of God’s goodness. I keep saying it: “God is good all the time.” I may be saying it with sorrow and bewilderment and something less than full faith. I may be saying it as a question: “God is good all the time, right?” But I am saying it. I don’t necessarily understand how God is good in this, or why taking my son is consistent with His goodness, but I know it must be. If Nick’s death was not a lapse in God’s sovereignty, it was also not a lapse in His goodness. If there was no moment in which God stopped being sovereign, there is no moment in which He stopped being good — good toward me, good toward my family, good toward Nick, good according to His perfect wisdom.

God can’t not be good!

God’s goodness means that everything God is and everything God does is worthy of approval, for He Himself is the very standard of goodness. Those things that are good are those things that God deems good, that God deems fitting, that God deems appropriate. For something to be good is for it to meet the approval of God, and for something to meet the approval of God is for it to be good.5 If that’s the case, then who am I to declare evil what God has declared good?

Who am I to condemn what God has approved? It falls to me to align my own understanding of goodness with God’s, to rely on God’s understanding of good to inform my own. Ultimately, it’s to agree that if God did it, it must be good, and if it is good, it must be worthy of approval. To say, “Thy will be done,” is to say, “Thy goodness be shown.” It’s to seek out evidence of God’s goodness even in the hardest of His providences. It’s to worship Him, even with a broken heart."'

The first anecdote I heard long ago but cannot now place; the second is widely attributed to Karl Barth. This is widely attributed to Charles Spurgeon, but I’ve had trouble tracing it to its original source.

See “Lord's Day 10” (Q&A 27), Heidelberg-Catechism.com, Canadian Reformed Theological Seminary, accessed April 19, 2022, www.heidel berg-catechism.com/en/lords-days/10.html. Job 1:21.

See Wayne Grudem, Systematic Theology: An Introduction to Biblical

Excerpted with permission from Seasons of Sorrow by Tim Challies, copyright Tim Challies.

[frosnpls]

cw rhory (and suicide) talk again and general mental health talk

following on from that post yesterday i do definitely need therapy because as much as i convince myself ive healed (and to be fair i have, his death may have been traumatic but its incredible how quickly you realise you were being abused when youre... not being abused anymore) i do sometimes miss him and i hate it. ill see things like accounts from others who've lost people to suicide and it triggers that deep emptiness i felt when he first died despite the fact that he essentially ruined the first few years of my adult life

part of me wishes id never even met him but then i dont know if i would be as close to the friends i have now without him having been there (most of them anyway, if we pretend he didnt have one my best friends blocked because he would get jealous of how much fun i had speaking to her) and i also think he would have. died a lot sooner if i hadnt met him. his brother in law once told me it seemed like id afforded them two more years with him alive and i think it was meant to be grateful but in a way it was just upsetting because it made me feel guilty for all the times i had wished i didn't know him. it felt like i couldnt even afford a theoretical past version of myself that release. i know ultimately his death wasn't my fault and in fact i actively prevented it for a long time but it always always feels like i should have done something else. i feel like i shouldve told his brother that he was actively suicidal again but id come to his brother about it so many times that i think he just didnt think anything of it anymore.

and like despite how much i suffered through everything i dealt with with him i. do miss how we were sometimes. not him specifically, but the relationship we had when it was good. sometimes it upsets me that i cant even remember most of the positive times despite there being so many of them for the first two years we knew each other. sometimes i catch a glimpse of the tattoo on my arm when im getting out of the shower. the tattoo of one of his drawings, one of the only ones i managed to save when he deleted every single message he'd ever sent me. and sometimes it makes me feel like shit because i have this constant reminder of the boy who abused me emblazoned on my body, and nobody's first tattoo at the age of 21 should be a memorial to their boyfriend who killed himself, and it just makes me feel like shit because under everything else i really did love him and thats why i never walked away. thats why i didnt give up on him even when i started realising how damaging it all was for me. i loved him so much and i fucking hate saying it because logically i shouldnt have. its. a lot and its so complicated and nobody but me ever, ever saw it because he masked it around other people or would just dm me instead of saying anything out loud, and i could only tell people very nervously in private and i never had a way of proving it.

i think the hardest part is that my aocial circle now is almost exactly the same as it was when he was in it. all of our friends mourned that loss just the same. some of them know about the abuse now, but most of them don't, and the grief they will occasionally express (though never directly around me, which i appreciate) is so plain and easily explained and i almost feel jealous that i can't grieve the way they can. without any of the complicating factors. and that sounds so horrible but i wish my feelings about him were just SIMPLE.

i have a floater in my left eye. when i was with him, i developed stress stims. i would bash my hand against my head or bash my head against the corner of my desk. floaters are caused by head trauma. im consistently reminded of what that time was like every time i move my left eye in the right lighting.

i remember one particularly bad night where i cried for four hours straight because he just refused to talk to me like a normal person, blamed me for everything that was happening between us and told me to leave him alone and never speak to him again. i knew if i agreed to that he would kill himself as soon as he could. i knew i was the only thing keeping him alive, and that he resented me for that. i used to get acne on my nose and sleeve burns on my eyelids from crying so often and for so long each time.

it was fucking horrendous and i can't even vent to anyone because most of them grieved his death too. we don't even say his name - if he comes up it's always "you know" or "someone else, you know who i mean". so i think i... should really do a proper therapist hunt.

[amuseoffyre]

Strap in, my hardy crew! It's time for Sad Times With Fyre.

I did a post about Ed and Izzy's relationship the other day and a common thread that I've noticed in the tags and responses is that a lot of people had been wondering why Ed didn't intervene or step in or do anything during the duel.

While that particular post covers part of it (ie. whoops, Ed caught in a mirror incident of a thing he just had a panic attack about and freezing up), I'm a generous and giving soul and thought I would make it even worse for you while digging into Ed's lifelong trauma.

It all comes back to Ed's sense of value and worth in himself. The earliest memory we've seen of his was when his mother went "Look at all the nice stuff we can never have because lol God hates us". The fact this is a memory that recurs when he feels disrespected and belittled makes it clear that "we're not those kind of people and never will be" weighs heavily on him.

Then we have what we learn about his younger days as a sailor when he was fresh to piracy (my headcanon is that he had to flee for his life after his father's death because hanging offence and whatnot). He and Calico Jack laugh and joke about the fact that Hornigold used to stab and beat them and "treat us like dogs, no worse than dogs".

Ed has been told since he was a nipper that he doesn't get to have the nice things. He doesn't get to have the kindness and the softness and the pretty things. If he showed an interest, he was told no. If he showed any kind of weakness in later life, he was told no with violence.

Then we have the duel where he says to Izzy "we're not doing this" because he wants to keep this thing he has with Stede and Izzy, the living incarnation of the cruel and relentless society he's been brought up in, says "no, you're not doing this" and proceeds with the plan to remove another thing that makes Ed happy from his life. And some part of Ed believes he's right to do it, because he doesn't get to keep the things he likes. He doesn't get to have fine things and never will.

This replays again in the confrontation in the cabin when - even with Stede gone - he's enjoying the things he likes. He's in soft robes, making music, talking and listening to people and is genuinely at peace. And once more, Izzy comes in and tells him no. No, you can't have this nice, soft, gentle thing because I know what you are and what you'll always be, pressing Ed to breaking point.

That's why he not only dons his mask again but also gets rid of all the stuff in Stede's main cabin. Because (OH NO OH NO I JUST REALISED LUCIUS'S QUOTE RE. HIS FINGER RELATES TO THIS! GDI SHOW! I SHALL MAKE A PARALLEL POST) you can't take away his precious and beloved things, if there are no precious and beloved things to take.

Also oh fun, more trauma for the neurodiverse character who keeps on having things that stimulate him and make him happy taken away from him! Who has to behave as his peers dictate rather than how he truly wants to. Based on many neurodiverse friends, this is a common thread of experience - NT folk thinking it’s weird we like a thing and forbidding the thing or mocking the thing until we stop sharing our love of the thing. Oh that's definitely not going to leave a mark and make him hoard his precious things as much as he can in secret. I see you auxiliary wardrobe. I see that Izzy never learned about you. Clever little ADHD boy keeps the things he doesn't want to lose close and safe.

In conclusion, Ed is emotionally a complete mess. I mean, we knew this, but there are reasons behind it and the reasons are an entire lifetime of this kind of treatment, where his self-worth is ground to dust and any feeling that he deserves or even can have anything is a fiction that can be taken away.

This is who I am, he tells Stede. You were always going to see it.

[kbrick]

Sad Drarry Fic Rec List  😩

Hello friends!

Let me ask you this: Are you pissed off at the gorgeous spring weather? Do you wonder, sometimes, if the shiny new buds on the trees are mocking you, pretending to grow and flourish only to wither and die and crumble into dust a few short months later, serving as a cruel reminder of the temporary nature and futility of all things?  Is the sunshine giving you a migrane? Do you just want to claw your way back into the dead of winter so you can spend more hours in the suffocating darkenss, feeling the cold grab at you like a shivery precursor to the endless night we all have waiting for us on the other side of the veil? 

If you answered yes to any of these questions, do I have some fic recs for you! 🎉🎉🎉🎉

I’ve compiled a list of the saddest, most depressing fics I’ve ever read. They’re good ones, well-written, and sort of make you want to tear your hair out and rend your garments. There is hurt with no comfort. There is whump with no un-whumping. There is a lot of death, a lot of cruelty, a lot of awful, horrible things that happen to our beloveds in these stories.

And isn’t that just fun sometimes? Isn’t it sorta cathartic to just WALLOW on occasion? So, if you’re feeling over it when it comes to your own relentless, exhausting plod along the highway of life and want to see Harry and Draco suffer along with you, if you have too many boxes of unused tissues in your house, or if you’re simply looking for a good wallow, give these a go. You WILL regret it. But in the best way.

If you like your emotional trauma quick & dirty (fics under 10k):

Powerful Men by Frayach (E, 8.5k) - okay, look. I fucking love Frayach. But you’ve got to be in, shall we say, a bit of a mood for their stuff. Because although the storylines and lengths of their fic vary widely, one thing never changes: the fucking soul-deep darkness that permeates all their works. There are some happy ending fics mixed up in there, but plenty that aren’t, too, and either way, it’s gonna hurt. I like this one in particular for a few reasons. First of all, it’s told in first person/present tense, which is a tricky combination to get right but can be used to incredible effect, making everything feel immediate and close, like surround sound for the written word. Frayach nails it. We never even know the name of our narrator -- he’s just some random rent boy who happened to room with Harry for a while in this apocolyptic-type world where Voldemort won the war. According to our narrator, the big bad Minister of Magic has just been put down, and the world’s about to get better, except no. Not for our Drarry purposes it isn’t. This poor prostitute’s tale will make you wail by the end, once you’ve sorted through what, exactly, has happened.

Last Offices by @tackytigerfic​ (M, 6.7k) – you know this one’s going to be a toughie right away thanks to the summary. Basically, Harry’s trying to navigate a bunch of pureblood funeral rites for Draco while also grieving. Despite the depressing-as-fuck premise, this fic manages to be both heartfelt and bittersweet, mostly thanks to a collection of memories that Harry relives during the rites. The relationship between Harry and Draco feels much fuller than the length might suggest, and very, very real. Any idiot with a keyboard can make a Drarry lover a little sad by killing off one of our faves, but it takes a deft, masterful hand to really immerse you in the feeling of loss, to make your poor little reader’s heart heavy with it like it was your own. Tacky manages to do just that, navigating the pitfalls of both oversentimentality on one side and remoteness on the other to deliver this short but impactful rumination on death and legacy and carrying on.

Yours, Draco by FeelsForBreakfast (NR, 3.5k) – Draco writes Harry a series of letters before his execution after the war. The most painful part of this little heartbreaker is that these letters are so full of life. They are so Draco, the version of him that I adore, in which he is snarky and funny and a little bit rambly. His personality feels so big, so vital, that it seems utterly impossible to imagine the world without him. But, of course, that’s exactly what Harry must do.

I Am Your Shadow by eidheann (M, 3.1k) – let us step away from actual death for a moment to appreciate emotional death. In this fic, both our boys are suffering intensely in the aftermath of the war. Draco is a meek, terrified shadow of his former self and Harry can’t feel anything. Of course, their aversion to life causes them to crash into one another and they end up in bed together. The way Harry behaves afterward, and how Draco reacts to his behavior is devastating and also makes complete sense. It’s difficult to be too mad at Harry because he’s obviously traumatized himself, but still. It hurts. It hurts so much. The ending is left fairly open, so maybe there’s a HEA for these two messes? But given the extent of their trauma, I wouldn’t bet on it.

In Death’s Dream Kingdom by kedavranox (M, 7.3k) – Harry became the painter we all wanted him to become and is married to Draco, who fights crime. Hooray, right? WRONG. Because an enemy Draco’s made on the job attacked Harry and now Draco can’t stop until he gets revenge. It is so much worse than you think. So, so much worse.

The Death You Carry by @magpiefngrl (M, 2.7k) – It’s a second person POV cancer fic, so right away, you know this one’s going to leave a mark. Draco has a terminal illness and he’s living out his last days, and it’s devastating and devastatingly realistic. One of the worst parts is watching how Harry handles things from Draco’s perspective. Harry’s struggle is absolutely heartbreaking and beautifully rendered, and Draco’s feelings of powerlessness and rage will have you in tears. The fic is impactful because of how true it is to life - I mean, how many people are facing something like this at this very moment? Who doesn’t relate to this on some level? Not to be a downer or anything 🙂

Free To a Good Home by @onbeinganangel​ (T, 1k) – Dealing with the (natural) death of Draco is not like dealing with war trauma, as Harry soon finds out. It’s a lot less about nightmares and fear and a lot more about the gaping, empty chasm of his soul. He tries to manage his grief and his feelings while also having to deal with practical matters such as selling the house and giving away things he won’t need anymore, which only leads to more grief. This little 1k fic packs a lot of angsty punch throughout, but the last line had me spiraling.

The Kiss by Frayach (M, 5.1k) - I started this section with the Eternal Emperess of Drarry Darkness and I’m finishing with them, too. This little number made me stop reading Frayach for a good few months because I had such a strong reaction to it. It’s a mind-fuck, it’s terrible, it’s hopeless, it’s the WORST. And by worst, I mean best. It’s guaranteed to make you hate the world, the justice system, death, and basically everything else.

If you like your emotional pain to fully consume you and linger endlessly (long fics):

Brief Encounter by @maraudersaffair​ (E, 45k) – I’ve recced this fic before, and I’ll do it again and again until I the day I die. The premise is simple: Harry and Draco are married to the women they’re married to in canon. Then they embark on an affair with one another. Angst ensues, you know the drill. But this one is darker than most infidelity fics. Maruadersaffair does not gloss over the cruelties Harry inflicts on Ginny, nor do they make the relationship between Harry and Draco easy to witness, either. It’s all-consuming, passionate, and painful. The ending made me cry like a little bitch (more than once – I’ve read it a few times now and even though I know what’s coming, it still gets me. Damn it!).

 Dreaming Darkly by @quicksilvermaid (E, 40k) – holyfuckingshit, this fic. This fic is good. The whole premise is incredibly unique: Draco runs an illegal den of dreams, hidden behind a pub. He uses his legilimency to give people relief from real-world hurts, to take them to a place where their children were never killed, where their lovers never left them, where the world is beautiful and bright once more. Auror Potter, of course, is on the case. Not that he’s been assigned the case, mind, because this version of Auror Potter is not exactly winning at life or doing much to impress his bosses. But he is determined to find out what Malfoy’s up to anyway because, come on guys, it’s Malfoy. This could be an adorable little rom-com story, but OH BOY IT IS NOT. Prepare to go to the dark side. Prepare to cry. Prepare to rail at the unfairness of it all and taste the tang of bitterness on your tongue. Because this one’s going to hurt like hell.

Beautiful World by Lissadiane (M, 70k) – I’ll just tell you, because Lissadiane tells you in the tags: Harry’s gonna die, guys. He’s gonna die, he knows he’s gonna die, and there isn’t a damn thing Harry or you or ANYBODY can do about it, and it’s sad and horrible and you just have to sit there and take it. Meanwhile, Draco gets roped into spending Harry’s last hours with him and, of course, they have the most beautiful realizations about each other and it’s all very romantic. If this was a GallaPlacidia fic, first of all, it would be Draco dying, but second of all, the boys would kiss just before the curse finished Harry off and all would be well and love would save the day. This is not a GallaPlacidia fic.

Nightingale by michi_thekiller (62k) – From what I understand, this was a fandom classic back in the day (at least for those who liked to cry a lot). I read it about a month or two into my Drarry addiction, and I’ve thought about it ever since. Not to be overly dramatic, but it really did make me question my own sense of morality and the difference between right and wrong and what, exactly, makes a person culpable. In this story, Draco was tortured during the war, and is now situated in full-time care because he has the mental capacity of a child. Before the war, Draco and Harry were romantically involved, in that I-love-you-I-hate-you sort of way. It involved a lot of rough sex, and a stinging emotional closeness that they never discussed, and then Draco left school. Harry resents the hell out of Draco for not defecting and letting the Order protect him. He also harbors feelings of guilt over the whole thing and those feelings threaten to crush him throughout. He’s angry and sad and so, so lonely that it hurts to read about it, and when he takes Draco out of care and brings him home to stay with him, he feels like it’s the first good thing that’s happened to him in forever. But he wants the old Draco back. Only that Draco no longer exists, and the one in front of him is defenseless as a lamb and so, so innocent. MIND THE TAGS and prepare to have this haunt your dreams for months if not years. PS, if anyone wants to discuss their OWN trauma after reading this fic, please let me know. I’d like to start a support group.

Stop All the Clocks (This Is the Last Time I’m Leaving Without You) by @firethesound​ (M, 44k) – how could I not include this fic? I’ll be honest, though - I almost didn’t, because I didn’t want to read it. I put it off for a long time. I didn’t want to read a long fic where one of our boys was already dead, you know? Because that sounded depressing! And guess what? IT IS! And guess what else? It’s also worth it, because it’s an incredibly well-written story that rings truer than almost any rumination on grief that I’ve ever read. If you’re putting this off for the same reasons that I was, I get it. But it really is as good as everyone says it is. I will never stop thinking about the cup set out on the table under stasis. Never. On my death bed, I’ll be thinking about that damn cup. And ffs, I need to stop thinking about death!

Anyway, does anybody want to recommend some nice fluff? Pretty please? I think I broke myself reading all this shit.

[condorclaw]

Tommy frowned, staring.

Michael stared back.

Tubbo and Ranboo could only watch this scene unfold, somewhat expecting that this would happen between their friend and their son. What they didn't expect was how quiet Tommy was.

It was silent in the room for a minute or two more, before Tommy reached out a hand and softly booped the top of Michael's nose. The zombie piglin let out a honk of approval, making Tommy's eyebrows raise in amusement. With the piglin happy, the boy turned to face Michael's parents.

"I don't think this is a dog, fellas."

Tubbo and Ranboo both released large sighs of relief that they didn't even know they were holding in, Tommy slightly tilting his head in confusion.

"Well, we said he wasn't a dog, Tommy. We said he was our son."

"Some people call their dogs their kids, so I could only guess."

As the best friends talked, Ranboo gazed over at Michael with affection, feeling a grin spread across his face. What Ranboo didn't expect, however, was how closely Michael seemed to be watching Tommy.

Surprising Ranboo again, the piglin stood up on wobbly legs, trotting over to where Tommy was leaning on a piece of furniture. Snorting, he clutched on to one of Tommy's legs, leading Tommy to jolt from the sudden contact a little, before instinctively trying to lean away from Michael. Recognizing that Tommy was having a bit of a rough time at the moment, Tubbo leaned down and carefully removed Michael's arms from Tommy's leg, mumbling soft words of comfort and encouragement to both Tommy and Michael.

After Michael was removed, Tommy had to take a moment to catch his breath and clear his thoughts, his eyes shutting for a moment as he muttered unintelligible words to himself. Tubbo and Ranboo waited for him to recover, Michael watching with curiosity.

"A'ight, I'm okay now," Tommy inhaled deeply, letting out an equally deep exhale before opening his eyes again.

"I'm really sorry about that-" Ranboo began to apologize before getting cut off by Tommy.

"Nah, don't apologize, big man. Michael's a fetus, he doesn't know about complicated adult things like trauma."

Tubbo let out a snort of laughter, which Michael tried to copy the sound of.

"He's not normally physically affectionate like this on first meetings," Ranboo spoke, though mostly to himself more than anyone else.

Michael let out a squeal of frustration, alerting the trio to the piglin trying to wiggle out of Tubbo's arms. Tubbo and Ranboo's ears stood up in surprise at the sudden noise, the two looking down at their son worriedly. Tommy had looked startled when Michael began his outburst, but now looked much calmer as he leaned down a little to come face-to-face with Michael.

Tubbo and Ranboo's surprise grew even bigger as Tommy began to make squealing and oinking noises himself, causing Michael's fit to stop. The piglin's eyes were wide with excitement as Tommy spoke, his stubby arms starting to wave in excitement as he continued his excited honking, which Tommy responded to as well.

"What the fuck," Tubbo whispered in shock, his eyes wide, and Ranboo had to agree with him there.

Tommy proceeded to sit down on the floor, glancing up at Tubbo with a lopsided smile. "You can put 'em down, Big T. It's alright."

Following Tommy's instructions, Tubbo set his son down, who immediately sprinted towards the blonde at high speeds. He halted in his tracks when Tommy barked out another noise, one that Ranboo and Tubbo didn't understand, that brought Michael to a slower pace. It sounded somewhat familiar to Ranboo, but he didn't know why.

Michael ended up standing in front of a seated Tommy, the taller boy laughing as he reached out his hand slowly. The piglin stepped forward slowly, moving to grip one of Tommy's fingers gently, which allowed Tommy to carefully wrap his hands around Michael, lifting him up to eye level. Tommy let out a small noise again, causing Michael to oink in delight.

Smirking with satisfaction, Tommy looked back over at the stunned parents, sticking out his tongue a little. "Surprise, motherfuckers."

"HOW DID-" Tubbo began to belt out, quickly stopped by Ranboo by the taller boy pressing down on Tubbo's head gently. With this sign from Ranboo, Tubbo cleared his throat, continuing to speak.

"Tommy, and I mean this in the nicest way possible: how the fuck did you do that?"

"Wot? You jealous that I can speak piglin?"

Ranboo was learning so much today that he didn't expect in any way whatsoever.

"One," the enderman spoke, trying to keep his voice at a calm level while his husband stood slack-jawed. "Yes, I am. Two: how do you know piglin?"

The shit-eating grin on Tommy's face grew wider upon seeing how he stunned his friends, causing him to look back at Michael and speak in piglin once more, making the kid chirp out happily.

"Tomathy Danger Careful Kraken Innit Minecraft, you tell me what you just said to him right now," Tubbo folded his arms, trying to hide the previous shock on his face with little-to-no success. Ranboo, meanwhile, now had to process the fact that he had never known Tommy's full name.

"I just told him that I was cooler than the both of you," Tommy barked out a laugh, Michael giggling along with him as Tommy set him back down on the ground.

"Anyway," the blonde continued, watching as Michael began to walk in circles around him. "I learned piglin from Techno. He suggested we use it for commands in battle so nobody else would understand what we were saying."

It suddenly made sense what Tommy had said to Michael that sounded familiar. Ranboo had heard Technoblade use that exact sound when they were exploring in the nether, and had come face-to-face with a piglin squadron. "Wait, were you telling Michael to approach safely?"

"Hell yeah, Ranboob" Tommy gave a thumbs-up, Michael trying to copy the gesture with his own hooves. "When I was still living with him as well, I'd go to the Nether when we had nothing else to do. Yeah, the Nether is a horrible shitty place and I want nothing to do with it, but it was the only way I could make friends while I was still in exile."

"WAIT," Tubbo's eyes widened even more, his face looking like it might split open from surprise. "You spoke with piglins in the Nether!?"

Tommy's reply was shooting finger-guns towards his best friend with a grin, with Michael trying to copy them once more.

"As fascinating as this conversation is, and trust me, I'm absolutely going to ask you to death about this," Ranboo pointed at Tommy in a jokingly accusatory manner. "Tubbo, I think we just lost our son."

Tubbo looked towards Michael, the little one trying intensely to copy Tommy's movements. "God damn it Tommy, you stole our son."

"Hey, I'm not stealing him," Tommy protested with laughter, reaching over to gently pet Michael's head, Ranboo noticing how his touch lingered on the thin layer of hair, stroking it softly. Ranboo noted to himself that piglin hair seemed like a comfort texture to Tommy. He’d tell Tubbo about it later, but for now he’d play along with the bit of his friend stealing his son. “Oh really? Then why’s our son copying you?”

“Because I’m the coolest uncle.”

Silence stretched throughout the room once more, with both Tubbo and Ranboo’s eyes wide. The small on Tommy’s face slowly changed into a worried one, and he looked away from the couple and at the ground. “I-I’m sorry, I didn’t know if-”

“Watch how hard I can cry,” Tubbo mumbled, his eyes looking bright with joy before he went to Tommy’s side, kneeling down to give him a genuine smile. “Tommy, dude, I think that’s the best thing I’ve ever heard in my life. Even better than Ranboo proposing to me.”

“Um, rude,” Ranboo giggled, kneeling at Tommy’s other side and allowing Michael to climb up on his lap. “But yeah, I know what Tubbo’s getting at. We weren’t sure if you would even want to be Michael’s uncle-”

“Wot?” Tommy sounded genuinely surprised at that, his own eyes wide. “Why wouldn’t I want to be? He’s my best friend-brother’s son!”

“I mean, yeah, but after what happened with Techno, we weren’t sure if piglins would...”

Tommy fell quiet, his eyes shifting to gaze at the ground as uncertainty crossed his face. After a stretch of silence, only filled with Michael’s occasional chirring, Tommy gazed back at the two parents. “As complicated as my relationship with Techno might be, that shouldn’t impact this little guy,” Tommy bore his fangs in a grin, making Michael clap with his little hands. “Besides, I can understand him while you two can’t. Who else is gonna teach you two piglin without fuss?”

“Are you holding our child’s language for ransom?” Tubbo was about to playfully punch Tommy in the arm, but appeared to suddenly remember the situation and placed his hand back down.

“Noooo, but now you two need me.”

Ranboo rolled his eyes, making Tommy pretend-pout at him. Tommy folded his arms, faking disappointment. “You’re so mean to me, Ranboo. I take back my marriage blessing.”

“My husband! No!”

“We can elope, Ranboo. Tommy can’t stop us.”

“I’m holding your whole son for ransom then.”

“Actually, I don’t need my husband anymore.”

“Tubbo! How could you do this to me?

And Michael squealed with delight as the three continued on into the night.

[slytherinsnekxvii]

let's talk about lily evans and the marauders, aka moony, wormtail, padfoot and prongs. given that i didn't use their actual names, i think you can figure out where this is going. it's also long as hell, so. canon vs fanon, marauder edition, except snek is sleep deprived.

now, before we begin, i don't dislike the marauders. or lily, tbh. if I'm being perfectly, genuinely honest, i still go back and forth sometimes but they've been growing on me for a while now. the canon versions, at least. fanon does them real dirty, and that's part of why i'm writing this, because i'm genuinely tired of it. it's an injustice.

you can at least make excuses for james and lily, who were so undeveloped that jkr practically dropped a fill-in-the-blank sheet of character information in our laps, but sirius, remus and peter were around long enough for y'all to get real acquainted with them.

in canon, sirius black is an unhinged mf. genuinely. this isn't to say he's a bad guy, in fact, we see that he's still capable of doing good things, still capable of love, still capable of all the things that prove he's actually not bad at heart, just,,, severely traumatised and very steeped in negativity from his time with the dementors. what i'm saying is that this man is absolutely, no questions asked, no holds barred demented, and how could he not be? the guy sat wrongfully imprisoned in azkaban for twelve years, a good portion of which he spent as a dog in order to protect himself from the dementors. he certainly wasn't completely insane, but you cannot tell me that he was all there. he got out of azkaban fuelled almost solely by the intent to get revenge on pettigrew, tried to commit murder in front of three witnesses who were also children—one of whom was his godson—ate rats and was also malnourished, which i'm certain did not help the situation any. this man is off his goddamn rocker, and you know what? you love to see it. good for him.

oh, but, snek, that's what he's like as an adult. what about when they were at school? before azkaban? my guy, the reaction he has to grimmauld place is not the reaction of someone without trauma. i don't believe that walburga and orion were the type to physically abuse their children, but whatever happened in that house helped to fuck him up enough that he skipped the joke of part of practical joke, and pranked snape by telling him how to meet a werewolf that he knew would be fully transformed and dangerous to humans. more than that, the werewolf was remus, whom he's friends with, and who—best case scenario—would be facing a trial if james hadn't stepped in. you can say that maybe he didn't think about or understand the gravitas of his actions, but at the end of it, that's not how properly sane people react to people they dislike, and that's not how they treat their friends. if anything, it reads like he was in the middle of a breakdown and absolutely losing his shit and he wasn't thinking at all.

my guy went through some serious shit, and was in no way completely mentally stable. we can see pretty clearly that he's got a serious dark side to him that probably would have gone unbridled had he not disagreed with his family, and yet, fanon took one look at him and went, "teehee, uwu bad boi go vroom."

fanon said padfoot is a pretty boy with nice hair who is tastefully traumatised from his horribly abusive household. sirius rides his motorcycle and plays jokes and flirts with anything that moves, but he can do no real wrong and always comes back to his soft, bookish, chocolate-loving boyfriend remus, who will laugh about his lycanthropy and quietly disapprove but secretly laugh at his friends' antics while hiding his smile in his cardigan.

respectfully, what in the absolute fuck.

i'd put that meme in here if i could, the one that's like, "well done, you've broken _______ down to its bare essentials," but no. i can't bc it doesn't even apply. this isn't a meme, it's theseus' fucking ship.

fanon broke it down, and replaced the pieces one by one until we got to this point, where we need to sit down and ask ourselves, "is this even the same character?"

the answer is no, by the way. it isn't. when people talk about woobifying characters—you know, taking away every flaw they have, romanticising everything they do and making them only capable of doing good, wonderful, lovely things?—this is what we mean.

and it'd be one thing if it was just the one character, but, no. fanon went all in and made them all squeaky clean and boring, especially peter, who draws the shortest of the straws.

remus got fucked, too. not just because fanon insists on sticking him into a relationship with sirius. which, we'll tackle wolfstar in a bit, but that's not even the worst of it. here, we have yet another example of blatant, rampant woobifying. again, is he a bad person? no. we know he's a good guy, we know he's generally kind and well-mannered, we know that he wants to fo the right thing but hey, fun fact. did you know that you can be nice and a coward? did you know that you can be benevolent and good and kindly and have the greatest of intentions and still be shady as fuck? no? ask dumbledore. the man played people like chess pieces when he needed to, and he was a twinkly grandpa. these are things that can coexist.

teenage remus is a coward who, understandably, does not stand up to his friends, likely for fear of being ostracised, and doesn't uphold his prefect duties as he should and takes part in their bullying of snape as a result. he lets them romp with him in werewolf form while they are in their animagus forms and then, he lets them continue to do so even after they have multiple close calls, which, again, had anything happened, would have resulted in a trial in the best case scenario.

grownup remus is still a coward, he tells no one that sirius can move about the school in his animagus form despite wholeheartedly believing that he's a mass murderer, he tries to run out on his wife and unborn kid. he isn't deliberately making attempts to harm anyone, but he's content to sit back and let things happen to him and around him so he doesn't rock the boat, although he is capable of action, which we see when he is more than willing to help sirius merk pettigrew in the shack. he can be careless, he runs out to the shack knowing he hasn't taken his wolfsbane and ends up transforming in front of the students he, as a teacher, is meant to be protecting. of course, this doesn't negate his good qualities, it just bears repeating that his flaws do exist, and they're pretty serious.

fanon moony is always pleasant and kind and soft-spoken and bookish, and he always has to have his chocolate. he knows when to tell off his friends, and he'll do it, even if he's secretly amused by everything they do and laughs about it with his best friend, lily evans, who coincidentally spends all her time with them so he and sirius can go on double dates with james and lily and no one has to remember peter exists.

why. theseus' ship 2.0. does the actual character still exist or is this something entirely different thing bearing the same name?

as for peter, who needs peter pettigrew, the actual, legitimate, fourth marauder when you have lily evans? canon pettigrew is opportunistic as fuck. he's latching himself to the biggest bad on the block and he's going all in. for teenage peter, that was james and sirius, and for adult peter, that's voldemort. canon peter is good enough at transfiguration to master the animagus transformation, just like his friends, and he's good enough at potions to brew the potion that gives voldemort a body. and honestly, you can't say he wasn't brave. he could've run off somewhere and died, or changed his identity or something after he faked his death and framed sirius, but, no. he goes and resurrects voldemort. that's fucked up, yeah, but it happened and honestly, i respect that it. he stuck to his guns.

fanon wormtail is lucky if he exists beyond being a spineless sycophant for james and sirius, or an evil conniving little rat who's looking to toss his entire friend group to the wolves at eleven.

of course, this isn't meant to negate his bad qualities, he still murdered people and framed sirius and sold out the potters to die, but his good characteristics do exist, and james, sirius and remus genuinely were his friends.

and now, we get to lily and james.

we have hardly any information on either of them. they're a pair of cardboard cutouts that we can paint and stick flyers to and colour outside the lines however we want. we can do whatever the fuck, as long lily is brave and smart and somewhat kind and james is brave and willing to die for his family. we were essentially handed a pair of ocs.

and yet.

what little bits of canon we have are thrown out of the window regardless.

james is privileged and rich, and he throws hexes for fun. he's willing to hex lily when she disagrees with him, and then, he goes behind her back to continue hexing snape after she believes that he's stopped doing so. and that's all we know about him until he dies for his family at twenty-one years old. once again, say it with me: this does not negate his good qualities. he definitely had them, he took sirius in when sirius ran away from home, he became an animagus to keep remus company as a wolf, and he saved snape in the shack, thereby saving remus and sirius by extension. him having flaws does not make him a bad person.

fanon prongs is a feminist. he fights for equal rights for women everywhere, and he constantly treats his girlfriend, lily, like an absolute queen. he's the hottest boy in school and everyone claps when he walks through the halls. mcgonagall and dumbledore are always patting him on the back and making jokes with him. he has a built-in dark detector that helps him sense when someone is a evil and needs to he punished.

give me a break. the dude's cool and all, but was the gary stu treatment necessary?

...oh, he needed to match fanon lily? right, right.

canon lily is a contradiction unto herself. she's supposedly a great friend, but since we see her at a point where they were already drifting apart, we see her putting little effort into keeping their friendship afloat. she victim blames based on rumours, she doesn't seem to care over much about what snape has to say about the people who have been tormenting him since day one. and she's justified, of course, she doesn't have to stick around. canon lily is a bit of hypocrite, she says that snape calls everyone of her birth mudblood, but then that begs the question why she still hangs around with him if that's the case. he calls her mudblood, she retaliates by calling him snivellus, and finishes up with a dig about his underwear, which, sure, it's kicking a man with a rusty spoon and pouring salt in the wound, but she's, again, justified. i get where she was coming from. and then, of course, she dies for her kid after marrying the guy who relentlessly bullied her quote-unquote best friend for their entire school careers. but, like i said, canon lily is, in many ways, a contradiction.

lily is basically a plot device. she pushes everyone's narrative but her own, and does little else.

of course, this trend would continue in fanon. fanon lily exists to be the perfect girl who gets really angry over the slightest injustice, and of course, she gets to be one half of one of the oldest enemies-to-lovers "it was just sexual tension" cliche pairings in the book. she's just,,, a mary sue. in so many fics, so many headcanons, she's just pettigrew's stand-in, a girl to form a gang with marlene, mary and dorcas—who happen to be more undeveloped ocs who also get the woobify mary sue treatment—to parallel the marauders. there is nothing compelling about her character when she's presented as a saint, and even less when she's supposedly the other moral compass for the marauders that doesn't actually work because she thinks that james is cute.

and this brings me to the next topic. jily. what, why, how. this was supposed to be a healthy, happy relationship that would have lasted in the long run? absolutely not. even for its time, i can't say that i see it lasting.

first of all, jkr presents james' crush on lily as just that: a crush. a mildly obsessive one, but a crush nonetheless, which she tries to liken to the pulling of pigtails. and then, we see that james' way of getting her to go out with him consists of blackmail, and when that doesn't work, he resorts to threatening her. this could have been set aside if he had actually, genuinely changed when they started spending more time together, but as we're told by sirius and remus, he didn't. he just got better at hiding what he was up to. and it has to be that he hid it, because if she knew, this further damages the character that she's set up to have and paints her out to be either unable to stand up to him or an enabler.

regardless, they get married. and while i have trouble believing that it was out of genuine love, there are scenarios that could make some semblance of sense. it's wartime, after all, and maybe lily is worried about her stability in the wizarding world, so why not marry into an established family whose son is already showing interest? or perhaps, she falls into the trap of every bad boy cliche ever, and she thinks to herself, well, i got him to be better then, maybe i can get him to do even better in the future. or maybe, she doesn't get into a relationship with him immediately and sees him on and off, until eventually, she accidentally gets pregnant and they scramble to have a shotgun wedding so as not to leave lily alone at nineteen with a baby. or maybe they marry each other because they're there and sure, neither of then is ready and they don't know what love even is but what else is there to do when there's a dark lord about? anyways, the point is, they get married.

and then what? if we count pottermore into canon, he goes on to further damage her relationship with petunia and vernon, to the point where she ends up crying. if we don't, she fades into the background enough that nobody has anything to say about her. she's harry's mum, she's james' wife, lily potter, she was kind and smart and brave and that's it. her agency is gone, anything else we have of her personality is gone.

jily just,,, wasn't built to last. and, yeah, this,,, this is a hill i'll die on.

same with wolfstar, honestly. there are so many reasons why it wouldn't work, but fanon has made it so fucking prevalent that it's literally everywhere no matter where you look.

first of all, i've said it before and i'll say it again. sirius is more likely to get with james that he is to ever end up in a relationship with remus. their chemistry is just,,, underdeveloped. net zero for a relationship.

secondly, sirius instigated the werewolf prank, and lupin would have paid the price for it. this could have been overlooked, but he doesn't seem the slightest bit guilty about any of it when it's brought up in poa. he could have been responsible for lupin losing the security of his place at hogwarts in the best case scenario, and in the worst case, his life. and he seems to look forward to full moons, even though they clearly aren't pleasant for remus, which,,, yeah, you're going to have fun, but like, maybe be concerned about the fact that your friend undergoes excruciating pain and it isn't a pleasant time for him? read the room, my g.

thirdly, they don't trust each other as much as fanon seems to think they do. they were both willing to believe each other the traitor before ever suspecting pettigrew. sirius thought remus gave away the potters, hell, he thought remus was a spy for voldemort, and remus was convinced that sirius was a mass murderer. neither of them needed to be convinced.

fourthly, maybe i'm reading too much into it, but like. sirius had money. remus had no money, since, yk, he was a werewolf and struggling for cash and still, sirius,,, did not leave him any money. i feel like if you had money to spare, you would give to your friend who is literally poor. but, again, maybe i'm reading too much into it and this isn't as valid a point as i think it is.

and ehh, the fifth reason is that it's,,, actually very much not the representation for the ltgbt community that fanon says it is but y'all aren't ready for that conversation.

anyways, just,,, even when you set the couple shit aside, the power dynamics between everyone here is fucked. like, james and sirius are clearly at the top of food chain calling the shots and egging each other on. then there's lily, who isn't even a marauder, but is always ever-so-slightly above remus but still not on their level, because, well. neither of them actually listen to her. remus is the novelty friend, the friend who's,,, alright, i guess, but you keep them around specifically because they're funny or they can dance or they have something that you can either show off to other people or keep as your little inside joke, your little secret, yk? and peter is just sort of there. like, yeah, he can do what we can but does that make him as good as we are? no. does he have a funny little something about him that we can exploit? nah. therefore he sits at the bottom. and like, yeah, james and sirius are on the same level, but james is yanking sirius' chain, not the other way around. anyways, like i said. power dynamic's fucked and it bothers me that we were given all of this, and fanon decided to take it all and throw it away so they could give us flamboyant!badboi!sirius black x softboi!motherhen!remus lupin going on double dates with feminist!trustfundbaby!james potter and saint!lily evans while ignoring peter pettiwho?

theseus' fucking ship, indeed.

anyways, this needed to be said. it might not make as much sense as i want it to, considering it's 4:12 in the morning as i'm posting this, after taking a break from writing to do some research and coming across way too much content about fanon marauders, but it's here and it still makes enough sense that you can read it and understand what i mean. and like, at the end of the day, you can go ahead and headcanon whatever you please, you can write fic and make art and do whatever you like, just,,, remember that they're exactly that. headcanons. stop presenting fanon as canon. please. i'm literally begging. we actually have evidence against it. just,,, acknowledge that they're headcanons and stop putting them forward as though they're able to fit into canon. please.