#swallowing the seas

[kukuandkookie]

People keep claiming Chinese BL manhua really only have stories featuring toxic male leads, so I offered to give recommendations with green flags... Someone finally said yes, so here's what I typed up in response!:

I Ship My Rival x Me:

One of my personal favourites!

Based on the hilarious novel, commonly known as I Ship My Adversary x Me and also has an audio drama adaptation on MaoEr FM. Basically a story about two actors who are seen as complete rivals by everyone except the actors themselves, which annoys the main character (Wei Yanzi) enough that when he discovers there are actual fans who ship them instead of pit them against one another, he’s so excited he sort of starts shipping them too (in like, an abstract, theoretical manner lmao). This of course causes shenanigans as he actually gets to know the person who people ship him with/pit him against, Gu Yiliang.

Gu Yiliang is a true sweetheart and the greenest of green flags. He’s a complete puppy and I love him. And this means, naturally, the only misunderstandings in this story are of the hilarious kind (you’ll know what I mean if you read it lol). 😂

This one actually used to be available officially in English on the Bilibili manhua’s international app before it got shut down, but it recently got picked up by Seven Seas, the company behind a lot of official English translations of danmei (Chinese BL)!

Touch Your World:

A literally colour-blind boy (as in, he cannot see colour at all and only sees things in black and white) discovers someone who he can see colour on. This person is a designer who has suffered past betrayal and trauma that has caused him to shut himself up and grow much more on edge, but this chance meeting draws both parties out of their shells.

Pixiu’s Eatery, No Way Out:

Not a green flag top in the traditional sense, but here we meet the mythical Pixiu: an ancient Chinese mythical creature who now runs a restaurant. While he’s a penny-pincher with a temper and he doesn’t get along with his love interest at first (a ghost named Wen Xi who he finds suspicious due to Wen Xi’s ties to a past rival of his named Taotie), Pixiu and Wen Xi eventually grow, quite naturally—and hilariously!—into a found family.

The Wife Is First:

Based on a novel of pretty much the same name (and is written by the same author as the popular manhua and donghua, No Doubt in Us (a heterosexual body-swap romance, which also has a subtle gay side ship)). Here we meet Jing Shao just as he’s about to lose everything: once a royal and a powerful general, he has been betrayed by all those around him…except the husband he has never treated well.

As such, when we first meet him, we actually witness his—and his husband’s—deaths. But then he awakens and finds himself back in time to the night right after he was forced to wed this husband of his, and Jing Shao vows to treat him well from now on because he stuck with him through thick and thin despite everything.

Don’t Say You Love Me:

A high school romance with a supernatural twist: Lin Yutong was confessed to by his best friend, Qin Weiyun, at their graduation party. When he drunkenly freaked out and ran away, Qin Weiyun was hit by a car during the chase…

Devastated by his loss, Lin Yutong quickly wakes up to find himself back at the start of his high school journey, right before he meets Qin Weiyun… And this time, he wants to keep Qin Weiyun safe.

But his overly familiar attitude at first gets the wary Qin Weiyun a tad suspicious, because he’s actually quite an aloof person.

The author and artist of this one is also behind another popular manhua titled Your Dream Is Delicious, which is about a demon named Yi Kui who discovers he enjoys eating the nightmares of Lin You. This eventually leads to them—you guessed it—falling in love.

It’s Not That I Want to Wear Women’s Clothing:

Our main character is hired to crossdress to help this CEO get over his gynophobia (fear of touching women) without him knowing. Naturally, this leads to an awkward romantic journey of both identities of our main character getting close to this CEO…who at first glance seems like the typical cold and aloof CEO type, except he’s actually quite a sweetheart.

Salt Friend:

A slice-of-life high school story about the “school bully” named Tong Yang who’s actually a crybaby and the aloof person named Xiao Zhen who discovers him crying. While the two don’t seem like they’d get along at first glance, this quickly becomes a friends-to-lovers story that navigates family drama alongside the romance.

How’d I Get a Heroine’s Script?:

A transmigration story with a twist. Chao Yi is wheelchair-bound but finds himself eventually as a young lord in what is basically a palace drama (court politics, intrigue, family drama, all that good stuff). His System, Qin Que, tasks him with wooing the difficult 7th prince, Gu Yunheng, who smiles on the surface but is quite cold in actuality.

Despite the two getting off on the wrong foot—mostly because Gu Yunheng is really hard to get close to—they soon end up as unlikely allies…especially since there’s a lot of secrets, such as regarding the death of the body Chao Yi’s occupying, the scheming princes, and even Gu Yunheng himself.

See You My King:

Zhang Li, a student interested in what is basically ancient Egypt, goes on an expedition to the ruined civilization and nearly loses his life. Except at the same time, he discovers an ancient tomb with a statue that actually comes to life and saves him…

And this statue even follows him home. This statue is sweet and loving despite its inability to speak, and Zhang Li grows attached to it (or him)… But then the statue falls apart and Zhang Li is devastated.

In wishing for a miracle to bring them back together, the statue’s stone heart sends Zhang Li back in time…to when this ancient civilization is still present. And that’s how he discovers his stone statue is the “tyrant king” of this region, and as cruel as he seems at first glance, both this king and Zhang Li eventually grow close and unfold the different sides to one another that makes them inseparable in the face of all kinds of threats.

Trapping the Foxy Doctor:

A doctor and a psychiatrist meet…except it doesn’t seem like a perfect love story at first glance. Not because the doctor is traditionally foxy (seductive and/or cunning), but because he’s so silly and on-the-nose that he initially kind of rubs the psychiatrist the wrong way. Except, of course, with the kind of sunny sincerity displayed by our doctor Zhi Banyi, you can’t resist him for long…

And the psychiatrist, Lin Li, is himself quite a polite soul despite his complex upbringing. As such, the two end up together through a series of cases where they have to collaborate and help clients, with a lot of shenanigans sprinkled in between (including the fact Lin Li has a side-job live-streaming as a woman—and “she” just so happens to be Zhi Banyi’s favourite streamer lol).

Pirouette Into My Heart aka Salad Days:

You know the “he was a skater boy and she did ballet” kind of set-up? Well here we have a boxer and a ballet dancer…and hey, “can I make it any more obvious”?

This one is basically a feel-good story of the century. It’s childhood friends to lovers, and it’s soft and cuddly and encouraging, as we follow the main character, Jiang Shen, in achieving his ballet dreams. And on every step of the way, he’s accompanied by the boxer Bai Jinyi, who’s also chasing his own dreams.

The draw of this one is that while there’s obviously conflict to drive the plot along, it’s ultimately a comforting story, so you get all warm and squishy inside reading it. Bai Jinyi and Jiang Shen are very supportive of one another, as is everyone around them.

There’s even extras at the very end that swap the classes of the two main characters, which makes for a similarly compelling AU. 🤭

Beryl and Sapphire:

Not always BL but often is. What do I mean by that? Well it’s a story that can switch to any universe even as the characters stay the same, and some worlds are just one-off gags while some are whole story arcs. The original manhua features stick figures, so if you really want to experience this one, I’d recommend the donghua. The first season also cleverly shows the main characters as actors in the OP, which explains all the world-switching pretty easily haha.

Don’t Pick Up Boyfriends from the Trash Bin:

Unfortunately I’m not sure the manhua for this one is still ongoing, but the original novel (all about transmigration and hopping multiple worlds) 100% features a green flag top.

The Guy Inside Me:

I know the title sounds sexual lol but it’s actually a joke about how it’s a body-swap story. 😆

The original Chinese title is “This Question Is Too Difficult”) and of course, the author also wrote Fake Slackers, which has two very smart students act like terrible ones due to not wanting trouble.

Falling to Where I Belong:

The thing about this one is that the top is 100% a total green flag... It's the main character that's more of a red flag, in the sense he at first only asks the top out to humiliate him due to a misunderstanding.

But it's still a heartfelt story filled with regret and growth, and I did really like the portrayal of Cheng Feichi. Personally I think the manhua humanizes him a bit more than the novel since we didn't really get his POV in the novel that often, but I did hope for even more emotion in the ending... Still, it was a satisfying read, and while I would like to comfort the main character, Zhen Yeming, over his regrets, I really want to just give all the good things to Cheng Feichi, who definitely deserves it after everything he went through.

More Than Brothers:

For the "non-freaks" out there, they're not actual brothers, don’t worry; not adopted brothers either. Just a guy who saw his younger friend as his bro…until this friend disappeared from his life and apparently got into a bad crowd… Except in reality he is being harassed and is struggling to leave his abusive family.

The Protagonist Just Wants to Fall in Love:

Kind of a classic in the transmigration genre, except now we get multiple worlds in multiple arcs. Our protagonists are Systems on their final mission, aiming to become human by the end of it, and their task is to guide their protagonists away from the path of "darkening" (essentially corruption).

And each and every one of these systems do so by getting their protagonist to fall in love with them lol.

Unsurprisingly, my favourite arc so far—in the manhua at least!—is the historical one between the advisor and the emperor, but the third—and currently ongoing as the time of me writing this—world between two university students who started getting close during military training and by playing games is also quite cute.

And okay, man I could really keep going, especially with the manhua that are based on novels, but this post is already really long asjakfl. It was, in fact, so fucking long YouTube wouldn't even let me post it at first until I cut it down AMFKGSJDFGS.

But I still want to at least give a shout out to some of the manhua with pretty healthy, green flag tops/gongs!:

Like Han Yuan, despite the characters not getting along at first and Yu Han being rather aloof to the spoiled Luo Linyuan, is still quite sweet at its core. Lovely Allergen is as well, even with their "brotherly" relationship being the forefront of the conflict between Song Yu and Yue Zishi.

Another kind I wanted to bring up is the ones where their worlds or stories are dark, but the characters aren't necessarily. Like The Film Emperor, He Insisted on Being My Patron has a very green flag gong (he's such a puppy!), but he and the main character are up against the reddest of red flags of a villain LMDFKGSJFD.

It's also not a manhua I think people who want green flag leads would necessarily enjoy, given that beyond being "darker," it also goes into the territory of fan service-y and "problematic" nsfw content, but again, the male lead is really quite sweet to the main character despite the shitty situation they're in.

And I thought of Bu Chonghua from Tunhai aka Swallowing the Seas (another one based on a novel), since the main character there, Wu Yu, comes to see Bu Chonghua as so good and just that he pushes him away because he feels like he can't dirty such a man with his own darkness, both in his past and personality. It's a trope I really enjoy.

I'll briefly mention some ⚠️ spoilers ⚠️but the reason I wanted to highlight it is because: the latest chapter of the manhua has Bu Chonghua overhear Wu Yu saying he likes Bu Chonghua, and this is after Wu Yu disappeared and Bu Chonghua is worried he skipped town for good. He follows Wu Yu, all while wondering if the like Wu Yu holds for him is the same as his liking of Wu Yu, and when Wu Yu is about to be gravely injured in an underground fighting ring, Bu Chonghua steps in to save him... The chapter ends with Wu Yu holding him back pleading with him to stop because it's not worth dirtying his hands with such a man as his opponent, and that's such a delicious flavour of angst because like...Wu Yu thinks it's fine for he himself to fight against such a person, but he doesn't want Bu Chonghua to. ;-;

Oops. I didn't mean for this to become a deeper ramble of Tunhai KMSGFKGHSJ. It's just interesting to me since Tunhai and its prequel, Poyun aka Breaking Through the Clouds, may not have what the people who prefer green flag tops want in terms of content, but its tops are technically not that much of a red flag either.

Which also get us to the kind of stories where plot can also sort of outweigh whether a top/gong is a green flag or not. Like No Arguing With Mr. Mo has two characters who struggle greatly in their relationship, with the question of "are they in love?" being an overarching issue for them, meaning it's not exactly healthy, and prevents them from being fully either green or red flags.

I also didn't bring up a lot of historical/xianxia manhua, which I'm sure some people may disagree with... Like the leads in Tianbao Fuyao Lu are arguably quite good, and while I haven't read Dinghai Fusheng Lu yet, I assume it's in a similar boat as something set in the same world.

And then there's the ones that develop into green flags... Like Mo Ran starts off awful, yes, but he does become much better later on!! But I don't think that's what those people after green flags want to hear lol. Plus I'd argue Erha is best experienced in novel (or audio drama) form over the manhua anyway—the manhua feels more like something made for established fans in my opinion.

Regardless, I hope this shows that with so many listed above, many manhua actually feature male leads who really do care for their love interests in a healthy, respectful way, whether they're 100% green flags or they develop into green flags or they're not even complete green flags. ^^

Edit: Oh I forgot to link my full list of danmei/baihe manhua recs HMSKFJSKS. I currently don’t have any summaries, tags, or content warnings in this list though, but there’s quite the range of stories!:

[kreuzwalt]

[the-danmei-multiverse-and-angst]

Danmei I've read & Love and My Ratings (mostly angst with happy endings)

MDZS/Mo Dao Zu Shin (Angst) /5🌟 TGCF/Heaven Officials Blessing (Angst) / 5🌟 Yuwu/Remnants of Filth (❤️‍🩹🥹 Angst) /5🌟 Sword Named No Way Out (Angst) /5🌟 Would You Like to Have A Drink /4🌟 Wu Chang Jie (Angst🥹) /5🌟 War Prisoner (Angst) /5🌟 Cold Sands (Angst/Bittersweet Ending/not a HE but not a bad ending) /5🌟 The Ugly Empress (Angst) /5🌟 Swallowing the Seas (Modern/Angst) /5🌟 Mo Du/Silent Reading (Modern/some decent Angst) /5🌟 Cherry Blossoms Upon a Wintry Sword ( Some Angst) /5🌟 Nan Chan (Angst) /5🌟 Misvil (Mistakenly Saving The Villain/Angst but with comedic tone...hard to explain but has TWs) /5🌟 Blind Concubine (Angst/No HE, Bittersweet? Haven't read in a long time) /5🌟 Spring Trees & Sunset Clouds (Angst) /5🌟 Huitian /5🌟 Ballad of Song & Wine (Qiang Jin Jiu)/ 5🌟 Peerless /Wushuang /5🌟 Can Ci Pin/ 5🌟 Kaleidoscope of Death/5🌟 Global University Entrance Exam/5🌟 Mist /5🌟 Copper Coins ( A little bit of Angst to me, but still a great story, HE)/ 5🌟 Governor's Illness /5🌟 Faraway Wanderers /5🌟 It's Not Easy Being a Master (Angst)/5🌟 Record of the Missing Sect Master (Angst) /5🌟 Stranger (KR novel) /4🌟 Thrive In Catastrophe /5🌟 The Legendary Master's Wife /4🌟 Rebirth of The Supreme Celestial Being /4🌟

I wrote a poem for Cold Sands danmei novel years ago, right after I finished the novel because I was so inspired by the story and it made my heart ache. Here is the poem:

Wings clipped by truth The fall swift and harsh Lies unveiled  Fate strung a web of deceit  A trap, snaring the victim This bird, tied down Voice cut-out -silenced Never to sing Never to cry out Never to sing its beautiful melodies once more Never to give sound to its pain The world itself, what a beautiful cage- A big and wide unknown, and sometimes deceitful place Freedom- is only a short illusory image  Unobtainable- A Mirage in the desert when one is dying from thirst Just out of reach, as though grasping at sand as it slips through your fingertips And as the dark begins to unravel Twist and unwind- Mighty is the weight thrust upon the heart, Subduing its pulse, the beating drum- a strangled ba-thump...ba-thump...ba-thump... An anchor drowning the soul, Just as as heavy as one that bears a crown upon their head,  No escape is possible now  As the strings of fate tighten, the birds wings are broken Fragmented and shattered Unable to never fly Never again to soar the skies

(End/ Extra below)

......

Did you ever once hear the Greek tale of a boy, the boy who wanted to fly close to the sun?

His father created wings of made wax for his child and warned him, told him not to fly to high, to not fly to close to the sun.

However, the boy, Icarus, didn't listen to his father's words.

He flew, soaring higher, and higher, as close as he could get to the sun. His wings made of wax were melted away by the suns brilliance and Icarus fell to earth.

To his end.

And the Lotus flower, that blooms at the bottom of a lake, steeped in mud, struggles and craves, longing and yearning for the suns brilliance, but they can never touch the sun.

And a bird, born with wings to fly, can only fly so high, but never crossing that line, that boundary.

And sometimes love is just the same.

Not every story can have a happy ending, no matter the toil, the strife, the pain.

And some times, no my matter how much you love someone, you may forever be enemies, on opposing sides, love hidden deep in your heart, and all you can do, is to stare wistfully at the horizon, yearning until the end.

[shandian-go]

[PRE-ORDER] Swallowing the Seas Manhua (Volumes 1-3)

Deadline: March 1, 2024 at 9:00 PM EST

How to order

If you have never joined one of my group orders before, please read the Guide + FAQ and register before signing up!

To order, please go to the Order Site, select the ‘Pre-Orders’ category and browse for the item you’d like to order.

[plumjam0215]

reading poyun extras: 🥰

reading tunhai: 😨

[memorydragon]

If you're thinking Mem, you haven't spoken this much in years! What's wrong with you!?

Po Yun and Tun Hai are what's wrong with me. And if no one else is going to be shouting to the void about it, I will do it myself. (You should be glad that the majority of Huai Shang's novels are a flat out hard no for me, otherwise you'd probably never hear the end of it)

Misconceptions get a bad rep in plot, largely due to people hating on when misconceptions are done poorly. This happens quite a lot, because the misconceptions draw on for too long and honestly, just talk to each other. Swallowing the Seas starts with misconceptions, but honestly, I thought it was done really well.

For starters, the misconceptions start from things that are in character. Wu Yu has been in the South City Sub-bureau for two months prior to the start of the start of the action. During that time, he worked the bare minimum, made no real contributions, and was there because one of the higher ups said he's on the team.

Bu Chonghua, one of the youngest Captains in Criminal Investigation sees this guy who got in through the back door and immediately hates him. Bu Chonghua may have come from an illustrious background, but he also worked really fucking hard to get where he is. He worked that hard because he watched as his parents were murdered in front of him when he was nine years old, and he's been told he had to live to get revenge and take down the drug lord who ordered the hit. He sees the murder victims who come across his desk as people who are still waiting for justice, just like he is, and he'll be damned if they don't get it, no matter what the personal cost to himself.

So when this guy is put on his team without warning, and he's told to play nice with the new guy because the top brass want him there, Bu Chonghua is ready to pick every single fight until Wu Yu finally gives up and leaves. He has no time for someone who just wants a paycheck from the government. The only ones who can keep someone from murdering a second or third victim is them, and Wu Yu isn't cutting it.

What he doesn't know is that Wu Yu is essentially in Witness Protection, because the higher ups thought it was a brilliant idea not to tell anyone. Wu Yu faked his results in therapy because he assumed it was something he needed a good grade in (Listen, I'm really fucked up over the fact that Wu Yu had never heard of the term ptsd until Bu Chonghua explains it and brutally shuts down any talk of someone with ptsd being weak or crazy. They never thought to explain it to him. As someone who has watched the government do fuck all for someone in my family, even knowing it wasn't all their fault, it hits hard). That he spent twelve years undercover, ten of which were when he was abandoned by everyone his superiors, while he was on the front lines and still doing the one person who mattered to him's his damned job, infiltrating drug rings, finally getting to the top. That when he was finally pulled out, the one person who knew what he'd done and held his future in his hands jumped to his death before giving Wu Yu the credit.

When Bu Chonghua realizes Wu Yu is inexplicably in intense physical pain, he spends half the day trying to force Wu Yu to admit it, then drags him to the hospital and pays the bill and starts to notice that Wu Yu is constantly on guard of something, even if he doesn't know what. He observes more, stops picking fights and takes a knife that should have gone through Wu Yu's head with his shoulder. He resents that Wu Yu sees him as the same sort of person who would sacrifice their agent to make the arrest, but he resents that Wu Yu is apparently so disgusted with him that he won't eat anything Bu Chonghua has touched, but he's backed off and will bide his time to prove it. He's no longer picking fights, instead looking out for Wu Yu, telling him not to fight the victim's family in front of cameras and hiding the knife with Wu Yu's finger prints (no, really, is it Coproganda when oh my fucking god, if this weren't fiction there are So Many Things Wrong with this. I mean obviously it's coproganda because this is considered helping the protag, but hi, I did not need more reasons to be terrified of the police here) because he's going to prove it.

Wu Yu just wants enough money to retire from the world and never interact with anyone again. He has not integrated in the society that never wanted him, though he knows how to keep his head down and pretend because he's been undercover for so long, what's a few more years? He enters illegal boxing rings to get more money, fights absolutely brutally to win, because he's still on the front lines even when he's supposed to be 'safe' and 'home'. He's never had 'home' so he doesn't recognize it. He recognizes drugs, because he's been a dealer since he was child. He hates drugs because he has no other way to survive. He hates cops, because he's been on the other side for too long and knows how terrible they are.

So when he sees Bu Chonghua, an elite who has enough money to do whatever he wants, who went to good schools and never had to worry about anything, Wu Yu hates him. He sees the arrogance and pride that comes from someone who has never wanted for anything, has never had to struggle for anything. He knows how hollow words like 'justice' and 'honor' are and sees Bu Chonghua as everything he's ever wanted but could never have.

What he doesn't know is that Bu Chonghua is the child he risked his life to save when he was trying to illegally cross the border, the child that he gave up his chance at a new life for, because he over heard how the drug dealers were taking a detour to torture and kill a couple of cops to find out the identity of the undercover agent who hurt their boss. That even though he ran as fast as he could to warn them, all he managed to do was drag the child into the closet and restrain him as his parents are shot in front of him, let the nine year old bite his palm hard enough to draw blood to keep him from crying out. That Bu Chonghua is the child he dragged out of the house the drug dealers set on fire and ran with desperately until the kid couldn't run anymore. How he was only a year or two older than the kid who just wanted to go back and be with his parents, but he tells him that he has to live to get revenge. And as he leaves his blood on the boy's cheek before he hides the kid and bolts off to lead the drug dealers away, never to be part of that life again. He doesn't know how that small moment will do what the man who didn't jump off the roof could not.

He doesn't know how Bu Chonghua will literally walk through fire and water to get to him, because he's been chasing after Wu Yu for twenty years, and no matter how dangerous it is, he'll come to find him. That Bu Chonghua refuses to accept this fate, and will tell the officer that the person dying in the fire is under his command, and he willingly chooses die as well, because that's called Devotion. (If you're asking, Mem, are you okay? No, I'm fucking no where near okay, that's called devotion and I'm a perfectly acceptable level of unhinged about that, thank you very much)

But he sees Bu Chonghua taking the knife for him, and he reconsiders. He can barely understand why Bu Chonghua is being so gentle with him when he's dry heaving because there's nothing left in his stomach because he can't handle even the smallest taste of meat and he's thrown up on his Captain's shirt, but Bu Chonghua just tells him the story of his dumbass cousin (Yan Xie, why are you like that. -_-;;) and makes him laugh instead of yelling. And it's hard to get over his natural prejudices, but he marks Bu Chonghua as a 'safe' person. Is this what 'home' is?

Then Wu Yu sees Bu Chonghua as someone who is perfect and shouldn't be dragged down. Then Bu Chonghua dirties his own hands which are already unclean, because he's been following after Wu Yu for so long without even realizing it so that the most perfect person to him will stop putting him on a pedestal.

The misunderstandings and misconceptions build and fall like sandcastles in the waves, standing strong because they were shaped by who they both are, but crumbling once they finally see the other person.

And if you're waiting for me to be less unhinged about this gay coproganda, you've still got a while to wait, sorry not sorry.

[nikkotinamide]

从故事的最开始，他就把自己沾满鲜血的手背到了身后。From the very beginning of the story, he had already been keeping those bloodstained hands behind his back.

- 破云II吞海 Ch 131

Huai Shang uses 背 - bear. The line is meant to be translated as above but the implicit meaning is that Yuyu’s hands that are stained with fresh blood have always been the burden on his back. Which is one of the many reasons for his behaviours and characteristics 🥲

[themundanedumpling]

i haven't caught up with any of the latest episodes of the ongoing shows i'm watching because i can't stop reading tunhai

[spiderbends]

Postcard from Gone by Leila Chatti

hbd dazai thanks for giving me an excuse to draw shoes

[azzayofchaos]

In a small fishing town by the edge of the cavernous sea, the lighthouse stands a watching sentinel.

—

Fun fact! I came up with a sea-gets-creepy au a few weeks before season 10 actually stated. Apollo blessed me I guess. That, or I got conveniently possessed by the ocean at the same time.

Alt versions below the cut!

As the new moon rises the void sea crawls slimy and burning from the fathoms unto the horizon…

[stinkyeggbow]

Sea swallow me,,,

[letmeinimafairy]

A new wip - finished painted pieces for a commission, it will be another necklace. Can I just teleport to a nearest sea shore and make things from found objects and forget about the clusterfuck around

[faaun]

what draws you back to your country what draws you back to your land when i was a kid i told myself if i ever left iran i'd never go back 2 years into living in the UK i started looking at news on iran again 10 years in and i visited it for the first time again and today i heard an iranian mother talk in farsi to her child on the train to london the way my mother used to and i wanted to cry i wanted to ask her whether they're still cutting the mountaintops whether the lakes are still drying today i showed the person i was with pictures of waterfalls and palaces and forests and snow-white north something odd pulls me back with increasing force i can't ignore it ever again

[memorydragon]

Okay, so my finger slipped and I reread the Po Yun manhua (to be fair to me, the good, non-ad infested version is going away at the end of the month) and decided maybe just posting about it will alleviate the need to consume it a third time since the start of the year.

(Okay, yes, I am a tiny bit of an eldritch horror when it comes to inhaling media. So shoot me.)

I'm just so insane about Bu Chonghua and his obsession with "I'm home."

The first time he says this, he says it to an empty apartment. It's status quo for him, and it's not a terrible life, but he had to chew someone out at work because after he explained PTSD with the clinical definition, explaining that the witness's differing accounts were because of this, the others started to say 'I didn't think a boy like this would be so weak.' And he barks back no, it doesn't matter how strong or weak someone is, it's a natural reaction to trauma. It doesn't make someone a mental case, nor is someone weak for reacting in a such a way.

(And I love that this is the first time Wu Yu takes note of what his superior is saying. We've seen how very little he thinks of Bu Chonghua and his leadership at this point. But at this Wu Yu stops and listens, and I love how in the manhua it shows him passing off the exit interviews and knowing exactly what to say to be 'mentally sound' while he's still deeply traumatized by Everything. He's listening, because it's the first time anyone has even mentioned the terms for what he's went through to him, and that is so fucked up, please just let him go to school like he wants to, but it's coming from Bu Chonghua, who he hates, but was patiently explaining it and calm until people started badmouthing it. He used his 'elite' schooling to normalize a trauma response, and Wu Yu takes note that maybe this guy isn't quite so awful.)

But Bu Chonghua isn't talking about the witness, not really. When he comes back to an empty house and says "I'm home," he goes through his usual routine and then, just before bed, he picks up the picture from his tenth birthday, before his parents were murdered in front of him and he has to tell himself to not think about it. Don't think about it, don't get lost in the memories. He's home, and he's safe and no one is there, but he can't break down. Because if he breaks, then he's the one who will have to pick up the pieces again, and he could be working, he could be preventing the 502 murderer from striking again, so he can't break. He's talking about himself, his own trauma, the in the clinical manner he was probably taught in, then he shoves everything down. He knows what he's doing is dangerous and self-destructive, but he's alone and he's home, so it's okay.

(And when that impulse almost kills Wu Yu, when the car drives them off the road and into the hands of the bad guys, it destroys him more than the accident and kidnapping)

The next time he says "I'm home," he very pointedly corrals Wu Yu into staying at his apartment. Yes, he's going to work. No, Wu Yu can't follow because he's still under 'confinement'. No, Wu Yu can't go to his own apartment, he has to stay at Bu Chonghua's. If Wu Yu leaves, then he wouldn't be able to discuss the interrogation when he gets back from work, right? Bu Chonghua shouldn't even have left the hospital, but he's pulled Wu Yu back from the dragon swallowing abyss, from Wu Yu's own self destructiveness, and he selfishly wants to keep Wu Yu there.

Of course, he really can't stop Wu Yu from leaving. When he comes back and says "I'm home!" there's no one there. The apartment is empty and dark (and Wu Yu hates the dark), and he's checked the guest room and everywhere just to be sure that maybe, just maybe, Wu Yu had fallen asleep and hadn't left. That he's not coming back to an empty apartment. Then he sees the light cracked under the door to the study. Wu Yu is asleep, curled up on the piano with a book. The lights are on. It's not an empty apartment. And the relief that hits Bu Chonghua nearly staggers him.

The third time he says "I'm home!" he told Wu Yu to stay at his apartment. He gave his key to Wu Yu. (You still left things at my place. You should just meet me there to pick them up and we can have dinner, then I'll send you back. Stay there. Stay please.) This time, the apartment really is empty. Wu Yu isn't there. There's no one but the framed picture of his parents. Wu Yu isn't answering his phone, and when he calls the office to find out where Wu Yu is, he learns that Wu Yu has taken leave. He's gone back to his old workplace and Bu Chonghua looks at his empty apartment then texts Wu Yu that's he's going to Yundian too. And he's in the car, pulling out to do just that, but there's Wu Yu holding a bag of take out on the corner in the rain.

They go back and eat the take out together.

Wu Yu is as determined to not mooch off his boss as his boss is determined to keep him, so he cooks, shooing Bu Chonghua out of the kitchen. "It's the first time I've ever cooked for someone," he says as Bu Chonghua ignores how incredibly unhealthy it all is and eats what Wu Yu made for him. Wu Yu laughs because Yan Xie's presents are truly terrible, but Bu Chonghua never threw them out, and his apartment isn't empty. He's home.

But wanting and having are two different things. When Wu Yu leaves again, this time determined, Bu Chonghua forces his way into Wu Yu's apartment, because he knows Wu Yu is there instead of at home. Wu Yu hilariously compares him to the Prince visiting Cinderella (and I have another rant for another day about Wu Yu's Cinderella complex) in his backward little apartment, but Bu Chonghua insists on doing the dishes, ignoring when Wu Yu tries to stop him, because he doesn't have a dishwasher and Prince Charming has to wash them all by hand.

When Wu Yu determines there's only one bed, and that one bed is not actually going to work for two grown men, he sets a mat on the floor for himself, trying to give Bu Chonghua the bed. Bu Chonghua bullies him into taking the bed, then has the nerve to say, 'I'm sleeping on the floor. That's what you get for not coming home.' And Wu Yu has to deal with the fact his boss is sleeping on his floor.

Wu Yu can't sleep though, not with the lights off and too many things to think about. He moves to give Bu Chonghua his blanket, and Bu Chonghua, who has all the swag that his cousin doesn't, captures his Cinderella. ('If you don't say anything, I'm going to kiss you.' Captain Bu, please.)

When Bu Chonghua pauses at the door, because his colleague had been bragging about how he didn't even have to unlock the door, his wife just opened it when she heard him coming and he thinks that it's probably a little too ridiculous, even for a fantasy. But then Wu Yu opens the door, teasing him about if his finger was broken that he couldn't unlock the door himself, and his apartment is lit up and bright and warm. And he's home.

When Wu Yu kisses him, then punches him hard in the face because it was Bu Chonghua who left home first this time, ("Things that are not used only take up space." Wu Yu, talking about cutting Bu Chonghua's dick off like the power bottom he is. I actually do have quite a few thoughts on service top sub Bu Chonghua and Wu Yu taking control. It's a pity I'm too ace to write them.) his apology is that if Wu Yu had known he wouldn't have the courage to take the risk. ("It takes a lot of courage to clear your name for you," Wu Yu rightly retorts, but admittedly, this plot has been in the making since before he entered Bu Chonghua's life again.) He's so happy to have his home back, even when he can't go home.

When everything is revealed, when the pumpkin finally turns back into a carriage and it's all tumbled down, when Bu Chonghua has to chase after Wu Yu, running head first into an explosion and a flood because he just wants to hold Wu Yu's hand one more time, when Wu Yu asks 'Are you taking me home?' Bu Chonghua's answer is 'No, I don't have to take you. Where you are is my home.'

Wu Yu's true name meaning 'to return/to come home' makes me feral, ngl.

Because this is what Bu Chonghua wanted more than anything else. Wu Yu appeared in his life the day he lost his family - his home. And only when Wu Yu has returned, his home is no longer an empty apartment, but family again.

[nikkotinamide]

总有一天我们都将得到永远的光明和自由。One day we will both eventually see the light of day and gain eternal freedom.

- 破云II吞海 Ch 130