#who else is tearing up looking at these
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āPathfinder,ā Moon Knight: Fist of Khonshu (Vol. 2/2024), #3.
Writer: Jed MacKay; Penciler and Inker: Domenico Carbone; Colorist: Rachelle Rosenberg; Letterer: Cory Petit
#Marvel#Marvel comics#Marvel 616#Moon Knight: Fist of Khonshu#Moon Knight: Fist of Khonshu 2024#Moon Knight: Fist of Khonshu vol. 2#Moon Knight comics#latest release#Moon Knight#Marc Spector#Reese Williams#Soldier#Moon Knight 2014 mentioned RAAAAAA š£ļøš£ļøš£ļøš£ļøšØšØšØšØ#obsessed with him just leaving the body there#itās tactical sure Mr. Knight was friendly with the police but he wasnāt beholden to them and no one else was looking for that guy#so no use lugging the body all the way back up to the surface#but idk I just feel like thereās something there about facing off against a man who literally cannibalizes people in a naked pursuit#of strength but only one of you has died in a tomb and can walk back out alive#not to mention how much work Marc has put in since his own death in a tomb to no longer tear people apart#but to help build others up (and in turn let them help him)#anyway donāt mind me rambling in the tags
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#dbtag#silly hours#god#I feel like that's a really clear and consistent thing throughout the entirety of the manga but OTL leave it to Toei!!!!#lays on the floor I wish people were less afraid of letting āgood guysā be flawed and selfish and reckless without having to like.#idk vilify them?#like Goku does and always has had a ton of negative qualities about him but what keeps him a protag and what keeps those negatives charming#is that 1) he never promises to be anything Else. If you're upset by his behavior that's a you problem Goku's just doing Goku#He's only upset when Other People get hurt because 2) almost none of those negative qualities contain any malice whatsoever#even as a kid when he was 'i killed that guy' it was like 'i solved a problem why are you mad (gen)' not 'good fucking riddance lol'#and he kept that as an adult too even when he learned more about compassion he's still 'well if you're not gonna stop i have to kill you'#it's never 'fuck off and die' it's always 'listen buddy either you knock it off or i knock you out there is no option c '#and god i love that Goku. I spent so long thinking I hated Goku growing up but I only hated Toei's Goku. Toriyama's Goku is GREAT.#like look if an antagonist is just a hero with the wrong perspective a hero is just a villain with the right one#and the fact that Goku has all of the qualities of a villain with none of the malice or intention makes him SO POWERFUL as a character#Goku doesn't like bystanders getting hurt. That doesn't make him less chaotic and self-centered and simplistic in his worldview.#A hero sacrifices his loved ones to save the world -- a villain sacrifices the world to save his loved ones --#Goku sacrifices himself because you cannot kill him in any way that matters#idskahds anyway here's another essay in the tags for your wednesday evening scroll#the justification the interviewer gave was that the anime was for kids but my beef with that is that Hero Tropes strip chaotic characters#of their emotions. Goku's conflicts are emotional. Goku's power is emotional. Goku's childlikeness keep him authentically emotional.#MORE kids -- ESPECIALLY little boys -- deserve a male protagonist who leans into his emotions to persevere and win.#Super deciding his āangelic stateā would kill him makes me want to tear my hair out lmao Goku's EMOTIONS are too strong to hold it.#you could've just asked toriyama about it why'd you decide on the most basic high-stakes shorthand possible OTL#aNYWAY#media analysis#in the tags at least lol
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Wait if all the journal 3 pages were restored after Weirdmageddon why does Billās book insist there were still missing pages that just conveniently happened to pertain to his incredibly sad backstory and concepts brought up earlier in that same book
#going off of memory here for that first bit but iirc the journal gets chucked into the bottomless pit alongside the other two#with all of their pages still intact#right?#so then why would bill have more pages if there shouldnāt be any more?#gf#screw it this goes in the general tags too#gravity falls#the book of bill#ANSWER ME YOU FUCKASS TRIANGLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#ALSO if the answer is supposed to be āford tore them out of the journal out of shameā wouldnāt it make more sense to leave them in as a-#cautionary tale? he already left the āmy museā pages in why should these be any different? to protect his identity? fiddlefordās?#the last half of journal 3 throws all anonymity out of the window too#so then if he didnāt tear the pages out himselfā¦ why would bill have them? HOW would he have them; heās stuck in the theraprism!#did he stow them away somewhere? nope; he burnt the journals and then got punched into oblivion. could one have popped up at the theraprism#nope; specifies its journal 3 lost pages! how could he have gotten journal 3?#okay so the pages are fake. what about the events that happened on them?#look into my eyes and tell me you really believe fiddleford won against the krampus. the guy who built a mind eraser gun after getting-#snatched by a different monster.#sure SOME events could have happenedā whoās to say they didnāt? but when you take into account everything else about the pages and the book#how believable is it really?#how believable is anything he says for that matter? how much are truths? half truths? lies on paper but truths from a different angle?#āLIE UNTIL WHAT YOU WANT TO BE TRUE BECOMES TRUE.ā#āLIE UNTIL YOU CANT REMEMBER WHATS A LIE AND WHAT ISNT.ā#āLIE UNTIL YOU ARENT LYING ANYMOREā#how much are lies that he wishes were true?
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Carmen Berzatto ranking extremely high on the list of characters that I adore and relate to does not affect the fact that I LOVE every single time Sydney tells him off for literally anything. Yeah girl get his ass.
#see everyone else also tells Carmy off constantly#but it's different when Syd does it#i don't have coherent words to explain it at all but you know#it's like#everyone in that family chews each other out all the time because that's their dynamic#that's what they do#but when Syd confronts Carmy about something#it's because she can see through him like glass#and whatever it is they've got going on between them#platonic romantic soulmate-ism whatever#that's what fuels her to push him#she's coming at him from a completely different angle than everybody else#and i'm not saying this in a way that boils down to 'oh it's different because she loves him and the rest of them don't'#i'm not saying that at all#she has a completely different perspective on him than the members of his family do#and in some ways that allows her to see him clearer#to her he exists in a very specific context and in the place where he is most himself#she doesn't have to look through the lense of a familial relationship to see him#she looks at him through the lense of their partnership#and because she is who she is and he respects her for it#she's not shy about calling his bullshit when she sees it#not because she wants to tear him down#but because she wants to push him up#anyways they make me insane#the bear#the bear season 3#carmy berzatto#sydney adamu#carmy x sydney
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I started writing a post about how Yenna is actually adorable and how it hurts to know that she tries so much to be helpful and stay cheerful despite how scared she is because this is how children who were forced to mature beyond their years behave.
I really tried imagining her dynamic with the group.
But Iām weak and infected, so I ended up diverging and thinking about how Astarion went from scoffing and sneering at the mere idea of letting the kid stay in to āLetās just kill Gortash and get Yenna backā, which led to me sprouting a headcanon moment, one of those that might have happened in-between.
When Yenna is allowed to stay in the camp, Astarion tries to pretend she doesn't exist. If Tav absolutely has to drag in every lost muttĀ to their place, fine. But don't expect him to play babysitter or be nice about it.
In fact, Ā he isĀ more thanĀ ready not to be nice: the sooner the kid runs away in tears, the better it will be for all of them. Little children shouldn't really be around vampires. Or githyanki. Or flammable tieflings. Or anyone who can turn into a mindflayer at any given moment. If she has to be hurt, she better get hurt somewhere else, where he canāt see it, and itās not his problem.
He gets his chance when YennaĀ approaches him,Ā askingĀ what heād like her to cook. Astarion jumps at the opportunity. He gives her his most evil grin as heĀ gleefully tells her about craving deliciousĀ redĀ blood. He usesĀ his best malicious voiceĀ andĀ flashes his fangs at her -- only for her toĀ leave without as much as a whimper and then show up later, hair messy, arms scratched, and cheeks muddy as she offers him a young hare she caught and kept alive for him.
That confuses him to no end: what was this child's damage? She was supposed to run away from a vampire, not to feed him! Why is she more worried about whether he liked what she brought than what might happen to her if she stays? What in the Hells can be scarierĀ than to be stuck with a vampire?Ā
He could probably act like an absolute ass and refuse her offering, chew her out for being a lousy hunter, and remind her that nothing is more quenching than the blood of a thinking young soul. He could make her terrified, make her run away sobbing.
He could hurt her.
But somehow, he doesnāt. The words just never leave his throat.
Instead, he huffs, scoffs, and accepts her meal just so she would leave him alone -- and tells her not to do it again because he prefers to pick his own supper, and it would be such a shame if he came across her during his hunts.
He is pretty sure that all the kid got from his speech was that she had been approved to stay - and that was the only thing that mattered to her, which is simply infuriating. Ā
#baldurs gate 3#bg3 yenna#bg3 astarion#astarion#bg3#i have like so many thoughts about that part of astarion's personality#he is certainly not a parent figure but he can care more than he lets on#and there is something about a child who would rather stay around a fabled monster#than be with the good and well-meaning citizens of Baldur's Gate#the fact that nobody else paid attention to her in tendays is telling#i can't help but thinking about it#it's natural for most of the group to offer their protection to a child (except maybe lae'zel)#but for astarion to understand that this kid looks up to him and sees him as safety even though he IS a vampire#that man would choke back tears if scratch dies#imagine how much something like this would mess him up
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I don't think I can ever emotionally recover from these
#the inherent romance of monaco parc ferme#seriously these murdered me i really can never recover from them#screaming crying THEM!!!!!!!! THEM!!!! THEMMMMM LOOK AT THEM!!!!!#jense's hand basically covering the breadth of seb's back im normal im normal im normal im normal im normal#the gif version of this you can only see seb's face and hes very fond too sob sob and they keep holding hands while theyre talking sob sob#THE WAY SEB'S CLOSING HIS EYES ANF RESTING HIS CHIN ON JENSE'S SHOULDER AND JENSE'S SMILE ABT IT#JENSE'S FOND EXPRESSION IN THE 2ND PIC LOOK AT THE WAY HES LOOKING AT HIM WITH THOSE FOND EYES IM GONNA CRY#pictures that make me need to get up and run laps around the room bcs im seriously gonna burst into tears#2011 sebson makes me roll around in bed kicking my feet and screaming#WHO IS DOING IT LIKE THEM!!! WHO ELSE WOULD TREAT AND LOOK AT THE GUY WHO JUST BEAT HIM WITH SUCH AFFECTION!?!??!?!??!#i seriously am gonna lose it when i watch the 2011 races i think i willl actually combust i cant handle it#('pictures that automatically make me think of Solar Flare')#(these are from before that fic takes place yet are the most romantic pics ive ever seen in my life)#(solar flare!mark was so right when he told jb that he and seb look in love in literally every pic of them together)#sebson#jenson button#sebastian vettel#sv5#jb22#we do a little bit of f1#f1#formula 1#formula one#2011 monaco gp#2011 monaco grand prix
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Little "bouquet" of random flowers I found growing wild in a yard
#flowers#photo diary#I think people are way too mean about ''''weeds'''' and not appreciative of them. Like.. dandelions are super nice looking#and bright and pretty.. forget me nots are so cute and a nice color.. etc. all of these random things that just spring up in the yard#are so neat. and it's evil that people tear them up and mow them down all the time#I guess maybe I get dandelions because they can kind of take over a space?? MAYBE?? but even then#if I was going to have a yard that is just a giant empty plot of blank grass. I would ratherit have a scattering of dandelions than#just like....... nothingness.#Also super cool that this person I know has columbines growing wildly in the yard. They hate them and pull them up#since they've kind of ''taken over'' a patch of grass near a bench they use#but they're soooo cool... Though they only have the single color ones just purple. My favorite columbines are the ones that are two colors#and almost look like two flowers in one or something.#There's a hill near a road around here where poppies seem to be growing wild.. ough... I wish I could go and take some or something#I've tried to transplant forget me nots everytime I'm in some realitive or friend's yard who has them and I ask to dig a few up but#I think theyre just not the type of flower that really grows long term on a deck lol.. but I wish they were... I just really like the blue#color. THOUGH this year in someone else's yard I found a very cool flower just randomly growing wildly that I had never seen#before. It's called Bethlehem Lungwort and it has spotted leaves and multi colored flowers and it looked like a flower out of a cartoon#at first. Since it was randomly growing wild in a yard the person let me dig one of them upand its' still aliveon my deck actualy#It's not blooming flowers anymore but the leaves are still prospering fine. Though it seems to really dislike the super hot sun#and will wilt in this heat wave if I'm not watering it at least once every other day lol.. anyway
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assorted thoughts on : the floyds & tracing roots, growing sideways, and the things that bind them
#for dee: who is out there swaying my polls#dyn : the floyds āĖ the five of us catch up over pasta#dyn : bob & herschel āĖ and so between us is a world and its beginning#dyn : bob & dana āĖ iāll see you with our laughter lines#the little ladybugs photo btw makes me burst into tears every time#its so bob herschel to me#theyre such a busy family but they make the time. they make the time above all else and thats what matters#theres a whole lot of parts in their childhood that bob doesnt look back fondly on. he missed his mom too much. he was overwhelmed#but he finds he can't be all that mad because they make the time. they still do#they made the time then too he just couldn't see it. he holds some guilt over that#edits āĖ seeing intimacy in the mundane
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how did u feel about the 2nd Terrifier movie? i saw it on a first date so it wasnāt the best experienceā¦ but revisiting it I can enjoy it more. good sfx
So the first one is 1h30m i believe, and I know when I watched it and saw I was 40 minutes in i was like wow its been that long and it feels like not much has happened huh. But then it did what it did and it ended.
For the second one I was like oh its been 40 minutes. Hopefully it starts kicking off like the first one. And then after what felt like an hour only 10 more minutes had passed LOL and the entire rest of the movie felt dis way
I like that this one had more of a semblance of a plot... The clown cafe song is stuck in my head... Sfx is good but hm im not sure how to describe this....im not one of those "omg this is just a legal snuff film u guys are evil for watching this" people nor am i a "ermm if u cant handle this ur a prude and a little baby actually" person but more somewhere in between or outside. I love movie gore, when i was younger I watched Saw SOLELY for the traps, i didnt even know the plot until more recently LMAO
but obviously That One Scene...idk! I dont think it was too much in the "prude" way nor was i clapping and cheering but it did evoke a "ok come on wrap it up" feeling from me...like these faces combined...does dis make sense. Not walking-out-of-the-theater disgust and revulsion OR enjoyment/glee but just mostly straight faced this ā¬ļø
The first movie has a naked woman being split in half from coochie down so its definitely not the gore itself here that evoked this emotion ykwim
#werewolfclaws#skunk mail#the only adjacent way i can describe it is you know when someone makes an unfunny joke#and when you think its not funny they think its because the joke is problematic and youre a snowflake#but its just that the joke isnt funny#whatever the equivalent of that is for horror movie gore is how i feel#like is it well done? yes. im not walking out of the theater im not throwing up im not pointing and laughing at people who get very#uncomfortable about it but i am making the above faces at like. oh youre ripping her arm#off then tearing her other arm in half and then stabbing her and THEN pouring bleach on her and the salt thing OKAYYY WE GET ITTT#in the same way u roll ur eyes when u hear a corny ass joke like yessss ok fine sure#like its just Silly...not in a ''and thats offensive and bad and evil'' way...i really dk how to word it!#ITS THE SAME WAY I FEEL WITH THAT STUPID LASER COLLAR TRAP IN JIGSAW.#its not like OMG THATS SO GORY AND SCARY šØš± LIKE NO ITS JUST A DUMB TRAP#that doesnt mean i hate the movie or franchise and all who enjoy it but i do roll my eyes and jab my thumb at it like get a load of this#long post#i guess i felt the way about That One Scene as i felt about the later scene where art just rips that guys dick off#like. its a clown ripping a guys dick off. its obvious not Serious. but im looking into the camera like im on the office about it#i think that might be the closest comparison...if it were any other movie genre you'd just be like ugh corny jokes!#but here its like oh corny ass gore!#i mean i watched it and im still gonna watch the 3rd#i dont think id ever watch the 2nd one on again for fun bc of how it dragged onnnnn#nor would i ever rec it to someone else like i do with saw#etc etc
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#Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh#Mmmmmhhh#I had to step away and do something very quick after watching the episode so now I'm afraid I forgot all of it lol#Okay thoughts:#I'm afraid I'll keep saying this every time. Do not. Give me. An amv opening. Don't do that. Postpone your airing date. I don't care#I feel like I wasn't as pissed with it when they did that for s3 but it's probably a case of the s3 opening at least looked somewhatā#better (??) + you can make a mistake once but don't think I will let it slip a second time#Other than that... To be fair this episode was animated fairly well. I think you can really notice a big quality drop after theā#Ranpo-realizing-who-Kamui-is sequence but overall it's more than okay.#The colours of the ship irk me a little but to be fair I never thought colours were b/sd anime strong point...#This episode was sooooooo political in so many ways I could literally talk about it for hours#(don't test me I'm not kidding. Talking about politics in anime for hours is something I've done in the past and will do in the future.)#(Then again I study/think/breathe politics pretty much 24/7 so is that really surprising... )#I need to write an essay on Fukuchi's speech alone. The public speech communication techniques [redacted Italian politics comment].#The way he's welcomed [redacted eu parliament comment]. Unfortunately I don't have time for it but breaking it down very quickly#1. Suggesting to unify defences worldwide is INSANE. No one would ever take it. Probably going to be cynical here but there's one (1) thing#states care about and it's the independence of their own sovereignty (that is: no one has the right to come and tell what must be doneā#within one's borders). Eu has been trying to do exactly that (unify defences) for decades to no avail. Nato is on the brink of crumblingā#down. It's just... Such a distant perspective from how the world works right now? Idk.#Which brings me to 2. Even if it's deeply inconsistent with how world politics work the bsd un perspective is still very coherent withā#a latter thesis brought up in the manga that is ācountriest tend to merge and come togetherā which is. Very anti-historical if you ask meā#but idk. Beautiful to imagine I suppose.#What else uhm... I liked the drawings this episode... Even Atsushi was back being pretty at some points... (Generally not really a fan ofā#what the style in the later seasons came to be). Also 55 Minutes reference ā¼ā¼ā¼#I like Fukuchi's character so much......... I love idealist characters... And the inherent loneliness... The longing... The yearning!!!!!!#I love him so. Oh and I LOVED Akutagawa. I thought his entrance wouldn't have impacted me after all this time (and after knowingā#what episode 3 will be lol). And yet it was such an emotional moment!!!! What do you mean Atsushi is scared to be alone and Akutagawa isā#coming for him!!!!!! I'm crying all my tears. And Akutagawa was so cool in the end!!! By heart was beating so fast!!!!!#It's the etheral blurred light...#The way he still manages to come off so cool despite being inherently pathetic is nothing short to miraculous
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had an odd dream that i was reading a comic book. sketched a couple of the pages i could remember.
#i might adapt this into an actual story because i am SO SO SO mad that it isn't a thing i can go back to reading#oc#im definitely keeping the concept of save-bot i fucking love save-bot he's just doing his best. i love a robot who wants to help people#im not equipped to be writing about underground rebellions with any sense of real tact though#besides its in a superhero universe/story so you know it would just be so sucks lol#sketch#god the colors were so interesting. the teal parts were all very precisely crosshatched and the fire was this gorgeous brush pen looking#colored inks that just seemed like they were MOVING#and i mean some of that was because i was dreaming but god even in my halfhearted copy you can see some of the movement#it was a bad scene but a really really REALLY fun dream. i love when a book can *get* to me so i was really enjoying it#put it aside so i could take a break and woke up. instant fury at the universe for not having it be a real book instead#ill reblog with details if anyone's curious. i can explain this scene but i dont feel like it#the green people are in a secret basement though. hiding from the government. blue jacket guy is a speedster robot named save-bot who does#rescue stuff with every fire department so fire suppression technology is not very good because save-bot "can just save you''#however they're badly over their legal occupancy and the secret basement has One (1) exit so everyone is like really fucked here.#includinig save-bot who is going to do his job until he dies because he is an ai without any sense of self preservation and he cares#which i didn't even CATCH until i woke up and started tryin to frantically note everything down#and then i was like wait. the glitter on that last page before i realized i needed a glass of water to keep reading... what WAS that...#(it was tears suspended in midair because save-bot goes so fast and also knows he's so fucked LOL)#seriously i'm so mad someone else didn't make this.
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decided to leave my job and i'm gonna fr gonna cryyyyy
#literally can't work with my new boss bc i can't trust her#she went to the head of the department with complaints abt me without ever speaking to me or giving me any indication she was unhappy#and various other reasons im not happy w management and the school in general#HOWEVER#i love the kids sm and im gonna miss them and worry abt them šššš#im literally scared for some of them bc it feels like the other teachers have no empathy for some of my favorite kids#one of them who is so so sweet and when he cries i'm the girst to comfort him bc everyone else thinks he needs to toughen up š#also my new boss sucks so so bad and is gonna be such a bad influence on him and all the other kids#and my main co teacher said she's gonna quit if i do so i cant even beg her to look out for my babies and take care of them šš#and it would be unprofessional to mention any concerns to the parents but genuinely some of the kids would be better off elsewhere#like im actually worried about it#i dont want some of the really sweet sensitive kids to lose their sweetness bc they're being treated unkindly#and the worst bullies and spoiled kids are the ones the teachers dote on#so it encourages some of the sweet ones to act out for attention#anyway š#i really do need to go tho#and i'm sure i'll love the kids at my new job#but im so sadddd#also its unlikely i can find a well paying job w this age group even tho i love this age group#its basically impossible not to get attached to them at this age and i get to pick them up and hold and cuddle them and stuff#and you cant really do that with the older kids sadly#literally on the verge of tears even seriously thinking abt leaving#things have been p bad for a while due to management but i never seriously considered leaving bc i love the kids so much#but i literally can't see a future here#and my new boss clearly hates me and im worried she's going to try to get me fired#she already made up a bunch of lies about me and its only been three weeks#anyway i only make 15 an hour so hopefully i'll at least get more somewhere else and i know i'll still love the kids#its just really hard#which is why i've stayed this long#i was p unhappy before my new boss even started bc of the way they treated my old boss
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2 hour rough drawing of Ehuang, my precious Green Opal child who I donāt draw nearly enough <3
#my art#artists on tumblr#the legend of korra#Kat and Nia and their multiverse of madness#original character#ehuang beifong#<ā finally. a new OC with a proper tag#tbh it is much easier to tag characters who have last names#and weāve never discussed it but I do think Ehuang carries the Beifong last name. whether or not she uses it is a different matter#I feel like sheās a Beifong officially she never puts much emphasis on it. she prefers the other side of her family anyway#okay moving on from that#next gens for next gens. quite a deep niche in reaching here#but I donāt care. I love Ehuang as a representation of everything good and pure in the world too much to object to her existence#baby girl. sweet girl#and yeah Iāve drawn her with Midori Opal and Suiren before so I thought Iād try something else#and while Kuvira isnāt actually shown here. just know that sheās absolutely tearing up off screen#you can pull the idea of Kuvira absolutely adoring her little niece out of my cold dead hands#wait omg I never posted my earlier art of Ehuang on here have I#okay once Iām done with my current projects Iāll refine and post those#the world deserves to see more of Ehuang#I feel like this particular scenario also hits some spot in Kuvira bc she knows who Ehuangās bio dad is#and Ehuang looks just enough like him. despite being very similar to Midori. that imagining her with a beauty mark under her eyeā¦#it brings Certain Ideas to mind. very fleeting and eliciting a āimagine that. I love this girl to bits but Iām sure glad Iām not her momā#kind of response. but overall no one really lingers on that fact. I feel. her parents are Midori and Opal#Bataarās just the donor. no one calls him her bio dad. he doesnāt see her as his daughter. probs Suyin is the only one who puts up a fuss#like not letting up about Ehuang being his kid even though heās told her countless times that his involvement is irrelevant#he doesnāt wish to be ehuangās dad. that wasnāt why he helped create her.#he did so because he loves his sister and SIL. because he knew they wanted a baby. not because he wanted a child himself#heās quite content being her uncle thank you very much. and idk why I just went on this ramble lmao#maybe I should try to write something Ehuang related. explore all these relationships and whatever. weāll see
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writing update: it's jamie and simon baking challah time!
#fic: flightless birds#doylist reason is it's the only thing i know how to bake off the top of my head and i don't feel like looking up a recipe#watsonian reason is jamie wants to do something nice for roy who's jewish in this fic and also everything else i write#i'm on team tear the challah with your hands instead of using a knife btw. i will die on this hill
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ahhhhhhhh guess who made the mistake of getting a haircut
#i was planning on growing it out for real i swear#but then the back of my hair got to that length (like it always does) where it starts touching the back of my neck wrong and i cant stand it#so i figured I'd juuuuuust get a trim maybe only the back so it wouldn't keep bugging me#and it started off pretty good too she was doing well with everything and i liked the way it looked#then she asked me a question with two options. and i answered the question. and she repeated my answer. good enough right?#well i think she maaaay have forgotten my answer in the span of like 2 seconds bc she started cutting SUPER short suddenly#and now my perm is completely gone lol#i think she's used to going a bit shorter so it looks good in like a week when it's grown out a bit#and you don't have to go back for a haircut every 2 weeks#but like. i would rather not hate my reflection (more than usual) for a week or two while it grows out yknow#eurghhhh it's not that bad tbh ive had haircuts where i wanted to kill myself and this is just 'hmm maybe i should wear a hat for a week'#but still. very annoying. and especially so bc i was actually feeling optimistic with where we were going at the start#anyway there's this weird phenomenon that keeps happening where I accidentally get my hair cut too short#then i decide this is going to be the time i finally grow my hair out for real#and after a while the back reaches that length where it starts bothering me again#and ill get a haircut juuust for a trim#then i somehow end up with a bowlcut#it's an emo bowlcut to be clear. so im not super hung up about it bc i still love that haircut for reasons i cannot comprehend#but everybody else seems to go 'ew a bowlcut why' except for the alt queers who go 'omg gender'#which i consider to be one of the biggest compliments i could ever get. and have gotten. seriously that moment will never leave my mind#like having someone that you consider Gender to look at you and say *you're* very gender? my crops have been watered my cattle have been fed#etc etc. anyway this currently has the shape of a bowl cut but it's too short esp on top#so im back in my 'okay im gonna grow it our FOR REAL this time' phase again. as it goes. like fucking sisyphus.#anyway. im gonna be tearing it up in the pit at origami angel tomorrow so if anybody's also going feel free to join me there#just gotta let off some steam. goddammit i knew i should have gone the queer route and just done it myself. in my defense i still had a perm#and i didn't trust myself to cut curly hair. turns out i shouldn't have trusted the barber either bc she just held it straight out#and chopped right across. and soon the curls were gone and everything was straight. ...that sounds like a metaphor for conversion therapy#'yeah just head into that place by the time you leave you'll be straight'#anyway. sorry for the waterfall of tags if ur still here kudos to you and may you have a wonderful day#mine
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im so sick of embarrassment and anxiety being kind of in control of ?my entire life? at this point
#when someone maturely points out a behavior of mine they are politely asking me to stop doing or is even just checking to make sure im ok#i burst into tears#and no one is more bothered about that than me IM SO SICK OF CRYING OVER NOTHING#IM SO SICK OF MAKING A MOUNTAIN OUT OF A MOLEHILL#IM SO SICK OF BEING COMPLETELY UNABLE TO REGULATE MY FEELINGS#Is it repression when i try to cheer myself up or is it wallowing in self pity when i just let myself cry#is it proof of decent willpower and self motivation skills that i can and will make myself do something i Don't Fucking Want To Do#or am i just not taking care of myself#secret: its the second thing but the REAL problem is that i need to be okay with it#it needs to not be a problem#i love doing mock trial but all the stress around it makes me want to quit but we're so close to regionals and i cant do that to the team#and i hate that i want to quit and i hate that the reason im not quitting is because im afraid of being embarrassed by doing so#and i hate myself andmy feelings and my irresponsibility and im still just half-assing my assignments#and i have a lot of casual friends but i know for a fact im not anyones best friend im not anyones favorite friend and#i want people to ask me to hang out but im worried that if i dont then it looks like im not interested but im worried that#if i do it too much i look desperate and like im imposing myself and like im . well this phrasing is painful for other reasons but#im scared of acting like im closer friends with someone than they think we are#and i dont know where the line is and i dont know what to do or what to say all i know how to do is make small talk and#exaggerate my facial expressions and tell a stupid fucking joke every 3 seconds#i like my life but im so fucking sick of the fact that *im* the one living it#i dont even want to be someone else i just want to be a version of myself thats not a fucking loser#who can actually put effort into assignments without wanting to throw my laptop out the window#who can be normal about other people#who doesn't have the dumbest fucking anxiety disorder ever#who consistently memorizes the stuff i need to know and can improvise on the fly#who's not an embarrassment to my team and also That One Guy They Keep Letting Hang Out With Us For Some Reason to my friendgroups#who can answer questions in class without looking like a suckup and also does it the right amount to make an impression but not enough to b#embarrassing#who can FUCKING talk to someone instead of making a vent post on *tumblr dot com*#for fucks sake i even wish i didnt use tumblr so much. maybe if i could get into a different social media that's normal i wouldn't be so
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