#which would be fine if i was at home
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Welp, time to emotionally devastate myself!
#im watching the fmab ova another man’s battlefield#which deals with the ishvalan war of extermination#a subject which tends to take my emotions and repeatedly stab them with a rusty spoon#which would be fine if i was at home#and alone#but im currently in a very long line at a convention sooooooo#probably not the best place for it#doing it anyway though bc holy fuck this line is long#marijn talks#personal
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don't you want to be a cult leader? - danyal al ghul au
this is mostly a joke post but i thought it was funny and had to share so--
his first mistake was, obviously, inheriting his father's inability to see an injustice and stand still. -- actually, danyal's first mistake was his lair being so big. a mountainous island with a large temple in the center resembling his old home in Nanda Parbat? With sprawling foliage and rivers and streams and waterfalls galore? What was he going to do with all that space? Let it go to waste? He had plants there! Native trees of the ghost zone growing from the soil! He couldn't let it all be left unchecked!
So naturally after helping a fellow teenage assassin ghost -- who he later learns is named Akihiko, -- from Walker of all people, he sent them over to hang low at his lair until it was safe enough for them to wander around the Zone. Walker couldn't get through Danyal's astrofield if his life depended on it, and trust him -- he's tried. Danny was clearing out debris from his stupid transport vans for weeks.
Honestly it wasn't so bad, he and Aki really quickly became fast friends and Danny loves having a sparring partner close to his level again -- he hasn't had this much fun fighting since he left the League. Aki was very dedicated and levelheaded, the both of them clicked really well because of it.
Nonono, the real trouble began after Danyal met some long-passed League members and allowed them to come join his island as well. Apparently they had made a few enemies of the zone, and maybe Danyal still felt some loyalty to the League. He couldn't just let them be left to rot. Their zealotry could be overlooked so long as they kept it contained and helped him take care of his island.
And it.. snowballs from there? He meets a teen squire aptly calling himself Ambroise -- whether that was his living name or not is yet to be seen -- who died during feudal france, who is just about as dramatic and passionate as every french stereotype makes them out to be. He calls Danyal "my moon and great muse" -- which is both flattering and little uncomfortable, but Danyal's grown up in the League as the Grandson of the Demon Head, he is used to mild worship. he passes it off as nothing more, nothing less. -- and while his energy is overwhelming on the worst of days, he helps Danny draw out of his shell more in ways that Sam and Tucker still struggle with.
Him and Aki butt heads a lot, but the two seem to hold the other in at least some positive regard, so Danny doesn't worry too much about them fighting while he's gone. It only becomes a mild issue when Aki also begins calling Danny "my moon". It's a little sweet, so Danyal brushes it off.
Then he takes in a troupe of ghosts some time after he defeats Pariah Dark and they begin calling him "great one" just as the yetis do in the far frozen. This is where he meets the twins -- a pair of sibling ghosts who call themselves Trixie and Missy (short for Trick and Mislead) -- who aren't quite as passionate as Ambroise but more energetic than Aki. Eventually they also start calling Danyal "my moon" and attach themselves to his hip, even within the living. They like to hide in his shadow and cause trouble for the rest of the students. He makes sure they don't hurt anyone.
He's pretty sure Aki is jealous, same with Ambroise, but he can't be too certain other than the fact that they become much more lingering (re: clingy) whenever he visits the island.. Something he's trying to do much more often these days due to the increasing amount of people living there now. Since when did he become so popular?
Then there's Pēnelópeia from the Greater Athens, who ran away from home and joined his Island after he ran into her while she was being chased by Skulker -- and he's pretty sure the reason was because of her chimeric appearance. Her strange eyes and mismatched wings and lion's tail and talons. She assimilates into his friend group very easily, she gets along well with Ambroise and Trixie and Danny usually finds the three of them climbing the trees to pluck the most fruit from the top. They can fly and he knows it, but they prefer to climb.
Then finally there's silent poet Akkara who comes from ancient mesopotamia, who gets along most with Aki -- which is no surprise there considering their similar personality dispositions. he watches Aki and Danyal fight each other and leaves comments on this or that that he notices. He writes Danyal poems on clay tablets and leaves them by his room.
They're one big mismatched group of outcasts, and Danny's got the other ghosts on his island to tend to, because they're living on his island and he wants to be hospitable even if he struggles with that. But he spends the most of his time with them.
Sam and Tucker are making fun of him. Tucker jokingly tells him 'careful Danny, at this rate you're gonna start a cult'. Danny really wishes he had taken that joke more seriously.
He just. keeps. collecting people. Wayward souls lost in the zone, looking for shelter or refuge from something or other -- whether that be another hostile ghost, or a past afterlife, or just a purpose. Danyal finds them, he takes them in, offers them a place on his island until they are ready to leave. Many seldom do. He's not complaining -- he has the space, and it feels like it's only ever growing.
His close friends, his "inner circle" as he's heard the others call them, keep insistently calling him "my moon". He starts calling them his stars, because then it only feels fair. They're his stars, this is his constellation. It becomes a thing; little star halos begin forming behind their heads, picking them out from the rest. He loves them so much, it's hard to place. Sam and Tucker are also his stars, but they reside in the living realm, they're his tie to Life. Meanwhile, his friends here know what it's like to be dead, and sometimes its nice to relate.
Those living on his island keep calling him "Great One" and he's beginning to notice zealotry in their care for his island. He really, deeply appreciates it. His close friends gain nicknames -- as his stars, it's only natural for him to pick them out from the cluster in the skies. Akihiko, his Sirius and bright star. Trix and Missy, Castor and Pollux, the twins and troublemakers. Ambroise, his zealous Antares and close friend. Penelopeia, chimeric and loyal Vega. And Akkara, his Arcturus and strength.
It's ridiculous how long it takes for him to notice; he is, of course, a deadly trained assassin. He is meant to be observant -- and normally he is! But somehow this becomes a blind spot. One that becomes too big to be dealt with by the time he realizes it.
He should've noticed when Aki, his Sirius, stood beside him one day while Danyal looked over his island and saw the sprawling spirits carrying on about their afterlife and bowing to him as they saw him, and said: "I looked down into the depths when I met you; I couldn't measure it." They aren't one for flowing prose, it took him so off guard he was silent for over a minute before he finally spoke.
Danyal should've recognized devotion for what it is, and yet he didn't. He should've recognized it when Antares began spouting praises about him, crowing about his radiance and resplendence to the heavens. He just brushed it off as Ambroise being Ambroise. He should've recognized it when Trix and Missy nearly broke Dash's leg after he knocked Danyal's books out of his hands, he excused it as them being protective. Of them coming from times where such violence may have been customary -- after all, that's what he used to be like. What he was still like, sometimes, when his emotions nearly got the better of him.
He should've noticed it when the people living on his island followed his word like gospel, looked at him like he hung the stars in the sky. When his friends gifted him a shawl with the moon phases delicately embroidered into it, with silver, shimmering thread and moving stars lovingly stitched into it. Their constellations seen clear as day in the dark fabric. When he found small shrines dedicated to him -- but they lacked any image of him beyond stones carved to look like moons, so he ignored it. When the religious imagery began popping up.
He really, really should've noticed it when a bunch of cultists accidentally summoned Antares, and Antares had turned to him when he arrived and called them heretics. But he was so centered on the fact that they had kidnapped one of his stars, that he hadn't paid much attention to what Ambroise had said.
Sages say that faith is blind, they should also say faith in you is even blinder.
It really only hits him one afternoon while he's sitting in Sam's room studying with Tucker, Missy and Trixie lounging at his feet, Aki sat on his right, Penelopeia braiding his hair, Ambroise draped against him, and Akkara lurking over him. Its one of the rare few times they're all in one room together.
It hits him like a bolt of lightning. He looks up from his textbook. "Oh Ancients," he says in no amounting shock. Everyone looks up to him.
"I've become my grandfather."
#dpxdc#danny fenton is not the ghost king#dpxdc crossover#dp x dc#dp x dc crossover#danyal al ghul au#dpxdc au#dp x dc au#dpxdc prompt#ive been playing cult of the lamb recently and you can tell#anyways i thought this was funny to think about. its specifically danyal al ghul bc that makes it even funnier#tfw you accidentally become a cult leader. rip to you danny you have a cult following#not at ALL an accurate depiction of a cult but i still think its funny. innaccurate cult depictions. ur in too deep to change it now danno#sam and tucker: hey dude... this is a cult | danny still learning how to People: what. no. these are all my friends and refugees.#his inner circle are all Insane about him they just show it in different ways. Sirius is as equally zealous as the rest they just don't#show it as much. which has mistakenly convinced danyal that they are the more logical one. no danny. they would kill for you#danny: i am being hospitable | sam: you created a cult | danny: i am being hosPITABLE#i dont like ghost king aus but i love danny being in positions of power it just has to feel earned. 'accidental kingdom acquisition' is my#favorite trope it just has to be done correctly. 🫵 build that bitch up with your bare hands and not realize until its too late you fool#'becoming a world power by accident and im in too deep to back out now'#danyal. a raised assassin (has no threshold for normal behavior): *sees utter devotion towards him* yeah this is fine and normal.#danyal: yk i dont see this ending horribly. *goes and collects more followers* yeah this is totally cool. welcome to the constellation#danyal: *saves a few people and houses them in his lair* (everyone liked that [to a worrying degree actually])#his inner circle: my moon! | danny: my stars :]#danny: ive become my grandfather. | danny: ... | danny: idk how to feel about that honestly.#those poor cultists that kidnapped antares were subjected to a 3hr tangent about 'the radiance of the Moon and his resplendent generosity'#before danyal found him and got him home. who were the cultists summoning? who knows! but they got Objectively the Worst out of the#constellation to summon by accident. actually they're all bad there's no picking who. they're all various amounts of Unhinged Danny just#Never Realizes It because he is also Unhinged and thinks some of this shit is normal.#like yeah thats totally normal behavior he has no questions whatsoever. this seems like Typical People Stuff.
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inspired by this post, Danny’s lost in the ghost zone and comes across pariah dark’s keep. I had to draw it and had The most fun with the spooky green ghost zone
#danny phantom#my art#dp#danny fenton#fright knight#the ghost zone#i think it would be cool if the other side of the portal was really huge and obvious#and then of course danny gets lost and has no idea how to get home anyway#i was having a long art block and this series really got me drawing again#so thanks to the original prompt!#I got to use my dip pens for this one too#which I haven’t for a while#so that was fun#the quality of the lines changes so much between ball point pens fine points like micron#and dip pens
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This entire stupid thing was drawn JUST for Karen to be allowed the role of sniper on a rooftop as a kid.
#my characters#oops i fell in love#like i could technically explain where it came from but it would be lots of tags which im totally fine with doing as we all know#but i have to drive home now so i dont have the time
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big believer in rocky being an extremely angry person actually! so much of it is internalized and he very much channels it into specific things ( like wick, or more recently, marigold ) but this doesn’t negate the fact that he is angry and resentful. sometimes being mad is more than just punching people and threats of violence! sometimes it’s quiet seething and forced joy. sometimes awful things happen to you and you letting them happen doesn’t mean you won’t become angry about it. sometimes your anger is fear, and sometimes it’s another thing, and actually maybe it’s always coming from some other emotion but it feels like anger and that’s what sticks. and i’ll also just say that his head trauma won’t be helping him with any of these problems in the future either <3
#my posts.#lackadaisy#i’m exhausted from being out all day but had to lackadaisy post. whoops.#definitely might delete this later to word this better in the future!! though it’ll do for now#personally i can see rocky’s anger just fine in the comics and even in the pilot ngl#like. it is not a conventional kind of anger. but that doesn’t mean it’s not a very real thing rocky is feeling a lot of the time#idk!!! thinking and mulling#i just think at this point in rocky’s life he is so perpetually scared of losing what matters to him ( his place within the lackadaisy )#that he can very easily turn it into a sort of wrathful fire at anything he perceives as a threat#like. what will take my home ( which is mine and the people there tolerate me ) away from me?#it’s an obsessive sort of ‘i can’t let this happen again.’#and i think anger and fear are more tied together than most would think!!!#it’s just. rocky’s anger and freckle’s ‘anger’ is interesting to me. it really is.#as i said : thinking and mulling!!!
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Nightwing has a few origins.
Originally he has a very healthy transfer where he discusses his feelings with everyone and decides its time to move on and be leader of the titans, remains on good terms with Batman.
And it feels better to see Dick healthy and communicative and displaying agency.
Making his name and costume a tribute to his two great mentors.
But then we don't get Batman Prodigal....
Personally I prefer my Nightwing getting his: Costume from his biological father, by basing it off a tribute to the design of the old flying grayson costume.
Training from Bruce, his adoptive father by his years as Robin.
Name and Philosophy from his hero Superman.
But thats just my canon, the CORRECT CANON is always the one you find the most personally resonant.
#I would love to hear which canon is your canon#mix and match is allowed#home made is fine#with dc having the existential crisis isnt ALL OF IT CANON?#nightwing is not a robin#nightwing is batmans peer#he beat him in a fair fight when they held nothing back in a private match#they have the same amount of skills and even trauma#dick grayson#nightwing#robin#canon#dc#comics#clark kent#superman#dc comics#bruce wayne#batman#superhero origins#origin story#Batman Prodigal
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The library "request" option has given me too much power. BRING ME THE BOOKS! BRING ME MORE BOOKS! I WILL HOARD THEM* LIKE A BOOK DRAGON! MORE BOOKS! MORE!
*before returning them on or before the date shown
#public libraries#books#reading#They do charge 50p per request which is dangerous#because one book is fine but next thing you know you've requested 100 books and that's £50 and you have to carry them home#(not all of them because you can only take out 10 at a time)#the slope it is slippery#but I kind of want the library to have my money#if I give them more money they can bring me more free books#If I could give them a higher percentage of my tax I would#but alas I do not set that#so I will feed the library beast 50p at a time in tribute#and so it will feed me with books#Literary symbiosis has been achieved
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🤨
#random personal stuff#back on my soapbox feel free to ignore#okay I'm about to get controversial sorry#but after today's sermon I'm a bit baffled by a double standard#in which women are told not to let work get in the way of prioritizing family#but men are told to work MORE in order to prioritize family#which is it?#I'm not saying that there isn't ANY truth in either of those statements#but the emphasis of this construction seems to assume that children need fathers primarily as people who make money#I'm NOT saying that there's a problem with a dad who works and a mom who stays at home (that's a good option)#I'm NOT saying that there's a problem with dads who have to take on extra work to get by (that's a self-sacrificial thing)#what I'm saying is that when a career is portrayed as the ideal focus of a father & only the mother's bond with the children is encouraged#then what you are liable to get are children who have little to no meaningful relationship with their father#supporting your family is good! but children need a present father just as much as they need a present mother#I'm speaking from experience here#I love my dad and get along fine with him - he's a good person!#but he was frequently physically and emotionally absent from my life when I was a child#and I still struggle to connect with him#it's an extremely different relationship from what I have with my mom - who WAS there my entire childhood#tl;dr I wish the kinds of churches I've observed would a) stop inadvertently promoting fathers' workaholism#and b) encourage both parents to invest in their families in the best ways that they can
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i did the mbti thing :33 thank you for the tags my loveliest lovelies ( @vagabond-umlaut @teddybeartoji @kissxcore ) your results are real & true btw!!!!!
adding vash just bc he was the highest 🙏🙏 sugu being on the lower end is cruel & unjust but satoshoko loves me so it’s fine i’m fine …………
#i was fully expecting to get a low ass score with kirei lmao but . no… he loves me……..#shivers#kenny and makima being some of the lower ones is fine too realistically they would kill me 🙏🙏 and i’d be into it it’s all good…..#ALSOOO I JUST REALIZED#the stsg scores make sooo much sense actually bc sugu has evaded my phanpara pulls time and TIME again 😒😒#while gojo keeps coming home no matter what i do#gacha games tell nothing but the truth 😔#anyway anyway#it makes me so happy seeing people get high scores with their favs <333 like yes so true mbti chemistry generator…..#unless it gave you a low score in which case it literally doesn’t know what it’s talking abt 😒#tag game ✩#selfshippy stuff ✩
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there's an essay jumbled up in my brain about dunmeshi's beginning and how clever and deceptive it is as a sleight-of-hand trick that distracts the audience from the depth and scope of the worldbuilding and foreshadowing that's being set up the entire time by dangling zany characters and wacky dishes and biology fun facts in front of us, and how that serves to catch invested viewers off guard when those elements come to the forefront, but also how it works against it with other viewers wanting "more" and not seeing it because the plot bait isn't laid out up front
how people getting frustrated with the characters "not taking things seriously" is mirrored and refuted in the confrontation between Laios and Shuro. how the characters' attitudes aren't just a result of shallow low-stakes "comedy rules" where nothing matters, but are an extension of their personalities (Laios's nonstandard expression of emotions being offputting even to people he knows) and the world and social environment (adventurers being desensitized to death and injury because resurrection magic is commonplace). the way the party refers to "saving Falin" instead of "retrieving Falin's corpse," indicating that they still see her with full personhood, and how that phrasing leads to some readers/viewers believing that Falin is alive in the dragon's stomach, conscious of being slowly digested while the party carelessly fucks around "wasting time." how the weird tonal dissonance makes sense in-universe and yet is deliberately challenged more and more the deeper the party goes
all the character building and pieces of lore slowly weaving together the shape of the larger world, laying the groundwork for the major themes that will surface later. so much is right there in the "low-stakes" early episodes if you know what you're looking for (or pass the perception checks).
it can be so satisfying to see new viewers/readers pick up on the clues even in the earliest "simple" episodes, or notice new things and make connections yourself....and it can also be frustrating to see people dismiss oddities and dissonance as shallow or bad writing because they don't expect a "cooking anime" to have depth like that. why try to question and understand and peel back the layers when you don't expect there to be any layers?
why can't laios take things seriously for once?
#mypost#i'm majorly out of practice for doing any real critical cohesive writing lol#trying to put this into coherent words has been such a mess so here's a vague gesture at my thought process about it#it's both my favorite and the most frustrating thing to see#because i've seen SO MANY people say they dropped the show after a couple eps thinking they know what it's about and where it's going#a cute but ultimately unsustainable gimmick#people for whom the characters and the food/biology infodumping weren't enough of a hook#but i wouldn't change anything about the structure to put a more obvious plot hook in the beginning#because it would give the game away TOO much#i LOVE how the audience has to acclimate to the characters' attitudes about death#only for our assumption that it's all normal and fine in this world to be thrown back in our faces#how we're left to notice the winged lion appearing in statues and carvings and coins and armor in the background#long long before it's ever brought up as a real entity by the plot#the history of the kingdom laid out in plain view but nevermind that. magic painting food!#i've seen the language around falin and her resurrection cause so much confusion#but of COURSE the characters involved wouldn't directly say 'we need to get her corpse to revive it'#bc pragmatically they already understand that as their goal. it doesn't need to be stated out loud; it's just how this process works.#but also they don't SEE her as an object. a dead body.#they need to 'save her before she's digested.' 'the spell couldn't reach her in the dragon's stomach.' 'hang in there falin'#death isn't real to them. not really. and so it doesn't quite feel real to the audience either#not until they find her skull and that realization slams home#like......i keep comparing it to gravity falls#which is episodic and goofy in the beginning but also has a much more obvious plot hook to keep people interested#(a main character entering a secret bunker indicating that he's lying about his ignorance of the town's mysteries)#the main characters in gravity falls are AWARE that there is a mystery to be solved and are trying to find more information#but i don't think that approach would work as well for dm!#laios's goals were never that lofty. not until they HAD to be because the situation demanded it of him#it's the characters trying to solve one personal problem and finding themselves entrenched in something vast and dramatic#that they weren't even fully AWARE of when they set out. and we the audience are on that journey with them!#it's SUCH a good structure i wouldn't trade it for anything. but also. tragic to see people give up and dismiss it so fast.
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...
#i turn 27 tomorrow and i feel like my life is collapsing in around me#i officially made the decision to take the summer off. which i hate. which means i have to get a summer job#when ive only ever had jobs in academia so my resume looks insane if im applying to work in a bakery or whatever#im just so tired. everything makes me so tired and sad. i still dont kno what im gonna do#im glad my dad is here bc he gets it more than most ppl bc hes also dyslexic and like everyone assumes im fine bc ive got this far#but like at what cost? im doing a job where im set up to suffer. and for what? im doing something so niche and weird#all i can do is more academia. but what if i cant cut it? what if i would b better off getting a epa job or something where i can do my job#and then go home and stop thinking abt it. how do i apply the stupid bullshit i decided to study? i should have done Ecosystem restoration#or something. its just that my dream was to study weird things in weird places and now it feels like that dream is collapsing#which is devastating. im gonna try to come back in the fall and give it a go but like i dunno it feels so hopeless rn#im just so tired. i have no joy. i just want to lay on the floor#unrelated
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mmm older childe carrying a lil extra weight on his waistline bc he finally settles down with zhongli, who loves nothing more than taking care of him. always a dragon at heart, gift giving is a major love language of his, and doting on childe feels like a behaviour intrinsically written into his DNA.
childe who's a little insecure when his clothes become a bit snug - not necessarily about his body, but because it means he's gone soft - and zhongli who shows him why soft is good. shows him just how much there is to love, how much more of him there is to grab and sink his teeth into. zhongli who kisses and praises his little stretch marks and worships every change in his body, any small difference that may have planted seeds of doubt in childe's mind.
worrying he and his insecurities are burdensome, zhongli assures childe that there's nothing more he loves to do than bring him to his favorite bakeries and restaurants and ply him with all of his favorite foods. watching his eyes light up, his tongue lick the crumbs from his fingers, his lips stain red from wine as he relishes every delicious bite, savors every rich taste.
zhongli is even happier seeing him enjoy his food; seeing him enjoy and settle into life, now that he has the time for it. the proof of this joy, manifesting in a soft, gently curving arc of a wider middle, in plumped thighs and rounded cheeks and a heavier frame when he sits in zhongli's lap, is only something to treasure. the archon more often that not finds himself touching childe with such affection; in public, in private, wherever they are, he cherishes the life they have together. he slides his hands over the gentle slope of his middle, pressing his fingers into the pillowy softness. he cups his face when he kisses him and brushes his thumbs across the apples of his cheeks, admiring the new gilded freckles. glides his hands over his thicker arms, widened hips, the tender flesh of his thighs, soaking in how beautiful he looks and how utterly divine he feels.
his stomach, in particular, zhongli admires. somewhere a little healthier to rest his head when sleepiness washes over the two and they snuggle close in bed, childe's fingers absently twirling his dark hair around his fingers. somewhere a little more nourished to settle his hands when he wakes up and the redhead is already making two coffees through a haze of sleep, smiling crookedly with hooded eyes and a gruff good morning when zhongli hugs him from behind. he nuzzles his own cheek against childe's. slips his hands over his inviting middle, palms fitting perfectly over the gentle swell of his warm belly. pressing innocent kisses to his neck, he slips his hands up his shirt to appreciatively sink his fingertips into the yielding softness, calming the small growls of morning hunger.
childe with little bite marks on his tummy chub. with finger print bruises on his thighs and pliant hips. with stretch marks and a plush cushioning to his body, built from the delight zhongli takes in providing him the life of luxury he deserves. signs of comfort, of care, of love, instead of just wounds and scars from a life of violence. zhongli finds himself warmed by the changes in his body and how comfortable he's gotten. looking after him is something he once feared the battle-addicted harbinger would not be able to live long enough to let him do; and now, both in retirement, he doesn't waste a single minute passing up the privilege to do so.
#i have zhxnchi brainrot so badly rn#i think childe would be uncomfortable with gaining weight at first bc it means he is truly leaving the harbinger life behind#which was already so difficult to let go of#so he just sulks around moping about how he's become soft and comfortable in his ways#zhongli would b like darling i want nothing /more/ than for you to live a soft life#with expensive clothes and luxurious beauty products and glittering jewellery#with a feather down bed and a tummy full of delicious decadent meals and aged wines and sweet and savory delicacies#with safety and warmth and comfort and anything he could ever want for#he just wants to bring childe to his fav restaurants to treat him to fine foods and wines and indulge him in the pleasure of liyuen cuisine#before taking him home to pleasure him further <333#he would say childe deserves the world#but to him child is the whole world#i love them sooooo <3333#gen
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thursday quest - no physical therapy today - make and eat lunch sooooo early but i can do it!!!!! - get ready for wedding - attend wedding! yay! (: - decompress well when i get home <3
#its thursday quest#god i'm so anxious about it autism style. so many uncertainties that i simply cannot account for alone. but i'm being sooo 'brave' about it#(keeping it to myself. except for posting about it)#taxi company hasn't texted me the drivers' details yet and i emailed them to be like ummmm your policy is to pay before the day#would you like to email me the payment details so i can do that? and they were like 'we'll send the driver details soon' ummmm#there isn't much soon left!!!!!!! it's happening tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!#they're probably just not Organised™ in the way i prefer to be. which is objectively fine it's just challenging for me personally.#i do not think it's Bad but!!!!! i've never taken a taxi before <- guy who Is Scared Of Taxis Specifically but has to face#their fears because they're disabled and have no other choice.#worst case i am down the money and no-one arrives to take me home i guess :P but it'll be afternoon AND my family are there so#in theory i could just get a lift home even though that would mess up other people's plans sooooo bad. UNLESS they have already drunk uhhhh#in which case i guess i'd just ask for help calling a taxi to the place. plany of people who can do such things easily (unlike me)#it'll be fine!!! i can ask my siblings if need be bc they are so niceys and will not get mad at me for being autistic o7#My other worry is being too hot and being in a rush getting ready bc i have to eat a proper meal due to the symptoms syndromes#and we are leaving when my lunch usually is so that's a whole thing. which ALSO doesn't matter and I can do! it's just hard!#where is that post that's like 'managed mental illness can look like absence of mental illness 😅'. NOT saying being autistic is mental#illness i am saying that the specific extreme anxiety i have is for me linked to autistic issues with 'the unknown' and boy. does this#social situation also have a lot of unknown.#BUT I CAN DO IT! and dare i say even have a nice time!!!!! it's just i get so so scared beforehand but i will not express it in a way that#impacts or inconveniences anyone else!!! i can handle it by myself at my house and it'll be fine
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we're so back
(first session after a year+ long hiatus ended with Celeste and Nyalori (@cappurrccino) getting arrested lmao)
#corivier escaped#which is somewhat to celeste's annoyance#like the guards saw him there and these three literally own a business together so#it won't be like. extremely difficult police work to be like 'hm we saw an elf at the scene and these two hang out with an elf a lot'#it probably would have been easier for us if we'd all been arrested#but he decided to run and that's fine#if he gets arrested later he probably won't get the benefit of celeste's extremely expensive lawyer is all#it is good that someone is home with zem but i can just forsee this becoming an issue down the road#with corivier being a fugitive lmao#but who knows maybe we'll solve the dragon heist mystery and skip town for the next adventure before it becomes a problem#fel's ttrpgs#dnd: tales from the dancing sea dragon#doodles#oc: celeste#other people's ocs
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told my gynecologist how bad my job is and she told me to apply at that hospital and put her down as a reference. we do stan
#she said they might train me to be an or tech which sounds captivating but i'm too stupid i fear i would rather do something not with people#unrelated but why does nobody warn you about the speculum i'm sorry but it feels like theyre ripping your vagina in half#i did almost have a panic attack because i didnt realize there was going to be a physical exam i thought she was just going to talk to me 😭#and the speculum pain viscerally brought back the iud experience. i'm fine though i'm going to go get breakfast#and then i'm going to go to the beach and then i'm going to go home and APPLY FOR GOOD JOBS 😤 AGAIN#she said if you work there you get free medical care 👁️👁️#i did forget to tell her that i still wanted a hysterectomy because i was so caught off guard by having to take my pants off lmao#but i'm losing my medicaid so its not like that was going to happen soon anyway. i'll give the iud a chance to redeem itself#me
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#idk if it's because i've given autism a very in depth look now or if i just always been like this and never really thought about it#but i'm finding it harder and harder to match my feelings to what i guess i'm supposed to feel?#like when something sad happens and i have no reaction to it#it's not that i'm not sad or that i'm glad it's happening but i just have no feelings?#which in turn bring put feelings of guilt because i'm not sad or worried enough...#it's such a weird experience and i'm of course not saying that autistic people have no feelings#that's so not what i'm saying#but it is a trait of autism to have difficulty pinpointing what you feel and also difficulty expressing it in ways other people usually doit#so perhaps it is because i've learned about that that I'm accepting that maybe i just don't feel things ''the normal way''#but i'm having a weird one tonight because my mom had to leave because of an emergency with my grandma#and it's 1am right now#and i am worried. of course i am. I don't want my grandma to suffer (although i have accepted she's not gonna live much longer)#but i still don't want her to die obviously#and most importantly I don't want my mom to have to go through that... to see her mother die? that's horrible#i'm obviously sad and worried#yet i'm sitting here drinking coffee and laughing at funny videos like nothing's happening#and i feel fine... like as if my mom was just sleeping at home like every night and not at a hospital visiting her dying mother...#and i know that years back i would have gone ''what the fuck is wrong with me?!'' and perhaps maybe forced myself to feel worse#or to cry or whatever because I can't be chill when something bad is happening...#and maybe i'll feel that way when my mom is back because I can't be calm and happy is she's sad#that would be rubbing it in her face#so maybe i'll feel more guilty then?#idk it's a weird feeling that i wanted to put into words#mostly for when it happens again i'll have a record of it somewhere#idk#angel talks#personal
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