#idk!!! thinking and mulling

[wickmitz]

big believer in rocky being an extremely angry person actually! so much of it is internalized and he very much channels it into specific things ( like wick, or more recently, marigold ) but this doesn’t negate the fact that he is angry and resentful. sometimes being mad is more than just punching people and threats of violence! sometimes it’s quiet seething and forced joy. sometimes awful things happen to you and you letting them happen doesn’t mean you won’t become angry about it. sometimes your anger is fear, and sometimes it’s another thing, and actually maybe it’s always coming from some other emotion but it feels like anger and that’s what sticks. and i’ll also just say that his head trauma won’t be helping him with any of these problems in the future either <3

[mai-komagata]

Morgoth hates Arda

But the Ainur are not Arda.

Melkor hated Arda and wanted to destroy it. He hated that nothing he created would be his in Arda, everything he created would belong to Eru Iluvatar. His lack of creative power, the fact that there were intelligences in Arda, that they could reproduce and he could not, that is what he hated and wanted to destroy. He hates even his own creations in Arda. He seeks to become more and more a part of the created world, to suffuse every aspect of it with him in his quest to create, but he cannot.

Like Morgoth definitionally cannot do that. He is both always and forever part of Arda and also father of none of it. He can master, he can destroy, he can mar, but it won't be his.

But critically, none of the other Valar or Maiar are part of Arda. They are not part of the material world. They take forms in the material world but they aren't a part of it.

The Balrogs, some of the other Umaiar, and Sauron are not part of Arda he wants to destroy. They are his friends and collaborators. Those Ainur loyal to him joined him from the creation of Arda. There were others that were coerced, but not them. The Ainulindale talks about Ainur who wished to harmonize their song to his when they heard it, and the Valaquenta talks about how they admired his greatness and splendor, but remained loyal despite of his fall.

They were all waiting for him while he was imprisoned, they didn't rebel against him during the ages he was gone or take possession of his realms. As soon as they heard his cry for help they went to aid him. They ceded control back to him as soon as he came back.

They don't hate him and he doesn't hate them. Does he love him?

That, I think, is an unknowable question. While I'm writing a companion piece on Sauron (who I think it is undeniable in the text that he loves him and is bereft without him, falling into complete evil), the issue for Morgoth I think is that he might be ontologically unable to love as Tolkien defines it -- he isn't capable of humility and self-sacrifice, the way the Umaiar are able to love him by following him, he doesn't love them in that manner. But I don't think he resents them like he resents Arda, for they are in the same boat as he is, and I personally think he values them and has affection for their loyalty -- he also doesn't betray them, or treat them as disposable.

(ungoliant is a whole story here but tl:dr; she was not melkor's servant at the time -- but it gives us an illustration of how Melkor is with those he doesn't value -- he lies to them and breaks his promises). Eru says all created things are according to his plan, and Melkor is an emanation of his being. Is Melkor's sole Good to Eru the effects of his actions? That by his discord he allowed Eru to create what he wanted to create all along? He is the negative spaces and voids in the perfect drawing of creating?

Or is there other goodness in him? (which, since it is not directed towards Arda, would be directed towards the Ainur?)

[the-way-astray]

i'm honestly at a loss for who to vote for in the fintan-brant round

[alishasboe]

People misunderstanding the dynamic between Sayid and Rousseau... that he cares for her and pities her because he sees himself in her and she represents the thing he fears most. Sayid spends the first 9 episodes of the show trying to get off the island because after 7 years of searching for Nadia, he thinks he's finally found her... just like Rousseau has spent the last 16 years looking for Alex and it has made her an absolute shell of herself – a mad woman. When Sayid is faced with the reality of what he has and is only going to become, of all the life he has wasted, all the people he has pulled away from and the communities he has lost, it offers him a chance to start over. This is why he asks Rousseau to come back to the survivors with him but she refuses, she's too far gone. He tells her that his search for Nadia has only made him pull away from other people, to crawl inside himself and stop living... and this wake-up call is what opens him up to the chance to start a new life on the island only three episodes later with Shannon.

[velvet-games]

I am absolutely overthinking fun fandom stuff again but I think what's so important to me about radiostatic is the reconcilliation part. like whether or not it makes sense, I have such a serious emotional need to see two people try to kill each other and be able to recover and become friends again anyway.

spending a bunch of time with someone I have a very complicated relationship with recently has brought up a lot of feelings, and I just. want there to be some hope I guess? it's too painful to think about reconciling with this person in real life, but it's so comforting to think the pain might go away for someone.

something I really want to write about is the feeling of betrayal when you're both very close to and also hate someone; every time they make you laugh or you share something you love with them, every time you enjoy their company, it's like you're betraying the version of yourself that hated them so much. how can someone who's hurt you so badly share a face with someone you so desperately want to make happy?

I actually have gotten over it with some people (that I hated less intensely). honestly, I think it just came down to us becoming different people (a little amnesia helped too lol); still us, but matured enough to apologize and not hurt each other again. it felt too good to be true at first, but sometimes you just need some time apart to become the right people for each other.

I want that for alastor and vox. I want them to come to their own realizations that they want to change, then meet with they have that willingness. I think that would lend itself to a fun (terrible) dynamic where they both want to make the relationship better but are worried the other person isn't. I want them to waste a lot of time testing each other and anticipating betrayal before they're both so fucking sick of it that they jump into the deep end together. I want what they interpret as a honeymoon phase when they first try making up to just be what their relationship will become when they finally communicate. I want them to spend time together and enjoy it and realize they miss each other so much that they're forced to admit they'd do anything to be friends again. I want them to make each other so happy that they're glad they're in hell for eternity because it means eternity together.

[chasedeys]

not the original anon to ur recent ask but… that post just made me go crazy for joemarrtee and lsu trio. joe is absolutely obsessed with his teammates esp his wrs. thinking abt that shirt he wore with tee tb and ja’marr’s faces on it. arghhhh he makes me go insane. and that bit you put on the whole tee’s agent situation🫨😵‍💫 and joemarr and jj… yeah they’re linked together forever. sorry im just insane rn. ur post did a number on me. so many thoughts.

side note has anyone made a name for joe and tee? and also yes to the tee and jj. yeah. okay. love ur yaps.

RIGHT????

I THINK. IT'S BECAUSE. joe just. falls in love with every weapon he's ever close to. just straight up grows terrifyingly attached and just refuses to let go. it's like he really can't he's sooo attached to everything of his past it's all in his wrists and his clothes and his offseason adventures and the way he speaks to everyone even when he tries to hide it it's also in your face that kind of paradox is so fascinating to me. and he's such a giver he gives and gives and gives and that makes them fall in love right back you know. and ja'marr is just. he has this incredibly ridiculous standards that is insane and only he knows and refuses to tell literally anyone and they're honestly impossible to reach but once you do you're set for life he takes care of you period he will never be able to be chill about you ever he will say and do insane things about and for you and you can't refuse for shit. that bit of devotion is just so insane to me how did he grow into this. what made him like this. while tee is just. he's a sweetheart. have you ever seen or read a lick of his childhood i shit you not that shit moves you you will not recover and after all that tragedy he ends up as this absolutely beautiful soul with such a beautiful heart and beautiful smile and beautiful everything it's no wonder his team and the entire whodey nation falls in love with him really. and justinnn i know he's like not part of the bengals but he's so intertwined with everything because of joemarr and lsu it's kind of hilarious. and the amount of talent in him is crazyy and when you find out his lore of like. not being Noticed as a good receiver and flash forward being The receiver itl? but just the way he speaks? he's sooo humble about himself but he also knows he's leagues beyond everybody else. absolutely compelling. gorgeous.

LIKE YOU CAN WRITE SOOOO MANY NARRATIVES AROUND THESE FOURRR and i have so many. so fucking many. any possible combination of these 4. even fucking jjtee that's like basically strangers originally. any possible ship with ja'marr who is my no. 1 (guilty sorry truly coming clean here ja'marr really is that bitch to me if it isn't that obvious yet lol) i can go absolutely crazyyyyy with as you can see from all i have written in this blog god what is wrong with me 😭

I ALSO THINK this is because. i'm too in love with them?? i fear i write like i'm in love with them. do you get me. like who even knows if they're actually like this. but i write them like this. and i write like they're in love with each other so. well. there's that.

AKFLAJSLK I DONT ACTUALLY KNOW WHAT YOUR ASK IS ABOUT IM SORRY I JUST RAN WITH THIS I YAPPED ABOUT THESE 4 FOR LITERALLY NO REASON

thank you for loving my yaps 😭 i just wanna say that like. sometimes i yap with just. no thoughts. zero thoughts. please don't expect much when you ask truly i don't have much thoughts sometimes really 😭😭😭😭😭😭 but do ask anyway LMAOOO i do love getting asks

oh ship names! like generally i guess? like joemarr, joetee, teemarr, jjmarr, jjtee. what's justin and joe joejj? jjjoe? jjoe? 😭 the classic joe/justin?? the bolded ones are the ones i use personally.

oh and ja'marr ships are usually tagged with <'> too like joe'marr! but may i have a very guilt ridden confession of just tagging shit as joemarr because <'> messes up the tagging system :')) like if you search up the ja'marr chase tag link there's the 'tagged/ja’marr%20chase' and also the 'tagged/ja%27marr%20chase' :) that fills me with so much agony nobody touch me please i try not to think about it too much or i'll try to kms ahaha.

[motherish]

I really love writing for myself. I write bits and pieces about Goro just about everyday as I am walking into work. But right now I am stuck on a part of his story where I just.. don't know how he would react LOL and its funny cause this is all for me? Like no one else will ever read this. But I need this to be CORRECT. I need him to feel IN character!! So lately, as I pull out my phone to continue typing, I just read over what I wrote last time and go "would he fuckin say/do that?"

[rookamell]

So I haven't thought of a way to end the Lucanis arc with House Dellamorte still in tact and in power BUT I do think that with the combined brain power and sheer determination of Caterina Illario and Rook they will be able to find a way to sort that shit out. It might involve tons of murder, maybe manipulation bribery and/or blood magic but by the maker they've got to keep the two idiot cousins alive somehow

[flame-shadow]

being a kid obsessed with dinosaurs while being raised christian fundamentalist (i think?) made for some very interesting moments.

books would say that dinosaurs lived hundreds of millions of years ago. my parents would say the earth was created 6000 years ago. so for a while, i thought dinosaurs were fake like dragons. and for a long while after that, i never paid attention to the estimated years because they were all clearly false.

books would say that dinosaurs evolved over their millions of years of existence, at some point some developed feathers, and that birds probably came from dinosaurs. the pastors and sunday school teachers would say that evolution wasn't real and that god created the birds as they are. i was confused and disappointed, because evolution made a lot of sense and sounded really cool to boot.

documentaries would show fossil sites and talk about how the rock can be dated. one time, i heard that god left dinosaur fossils for us to find as enrichment. another time, i was told that satan planted the fossils to sow doubt among god's followers. i thought it odd that some people thought god would want to trick his people with such an elaborate hoax.

years later, i heard someone say that god created the universe to look like it had always existed even though it was created relatively recently, and that's why the light from stars further than 6,000 light years have already reached us. i was reminded of the explanation of god putting apparently millions of years old fossils in the ground.

more recently (within the past decade and therefore i was no longer a kid nor a christian), i've heard the people who raised me to believe the things above reciting new "facts" that people have since come up with to explain away more recent scientific discoveries and conclusions. a few years ago, my grandmother had someone speak at her church, and afterwards she bought some of the books they were selling and shipped them to me. whereas twenty years ago, she'd have told me dinosaurs couldn't have existed, now she had sent me books about how actually dinosaurs were created 6000 years ago along with humans and all the other animals. these "facts" were corroborated by some other relatives next time i shared a meal with them.

they can't even keep their false facts straight because the old stories don't make sense anymore, even though the new stories aren't any better!

and i keep coming back to my early interest in dinosaurs.

the one that my mom was reluctant to allow me to pursue because of the perceived falseness of their existence. the one that i felt i had to carefully regulate what facts i expressed interest in lest my mom decide that dinosaurs were banned from being talked about the way pokemon was. and i was so so deliberate to pepper in the occasional qualifiers like "even though the bible says that's not possible, 150 millions years is a long time ago!" or "i know they're not actually going to turn into birds and this is just a drawing, but this one with the feathers does really look like it could become a bird someday."

thank god for dinosaurs (haha), because im not sure how long i would've been mired in such a closed-minded worldview otherwise. even though satan didn't sow the fossils in the earth, they did cause me to doubt the veracity of what i was taught.

[javierduffy]

I'm in the middle of writing a javieran piece and it's got me thinking because by chapter 4, Hosea and Dutch are arguing more often than not, John is starting to pay more attention to his family, and Arthur is beginning to express his doubts more. So like if Javier and Kieran WERE in a relationship (and assuming Kieran lives, but this would still apply somewhat if he was dead) Dutch would be quaking in his boots and may even try to drive a wedge between them because if JAVIER starts to notice the cracks in the gang and focuses more on his relationship Dutch is done for. What do you think?

(this isn't very articulate I just woke up lmao)

ohh this is such a good idea … i’ve never really thought about how the rest of the gang would react to (and subsequently interact with) javier and kieran being together … personally i would think dutch could only start to really care (and become increasingly paranoid about it) if kieran were to survive. yes, by early chapter 4, dutch was already distrustful of john because john was distrustful of him after blackwater, but he only really “cut him loose” in his mind post-jack retrieval, when john really started, in dutches words, “playing family”. only by then does dutch really start to become increasingly more comfortable with entertaining the idea of exiling john from the gang, as seen by his several counts of threateningly reminding john that the first rule of VDL’s is that the gang comes first. meaning, once dutch lessens that influence of caring about john, he now has more berth in his mind to focus on and worry about other gang members. not to say that dutch wouldn’t have already considered the threat of javieran’s partnership, as dutch van der linde is the king of laying awake at night thinking about how all his loved ones can (and “probably” will) betray him, but i don’t think he’d truly be able to concoct a story in which he doesn’t come out on top, so he leaves it alone initially.

but if kieran were to be dragged into camp, one way or another, half dead and with an army of o’driscolls not too far behind him, dutch may now see this as the chess board being shuffled and the javieran side of it now having the upper hand. not so much in the sense that kieran has played any hand himself out of malice, but if he seems to be so important to colm o’driscoll that he’s willing to follow him out to a backwater corner in a shithole swamp just to kill him, then dutch now feels more comfortable with the idea of seeing kieran as baggage, or even a threat by proxy. plus, he sees how desperately javier is trying to settle the unease and distrust that is spreading in camp- several times has he rallied a campfires’ worth of people to continue trusting and believing in dutch. dutch knows exactly how valuable javier’s loyalty is, not only in his manpower, but also in his heart, and you’re right that he wouldn’t want to lose that. in dutches perspective, john’s seemingly solidified betrayal, followed by the o’driscoll attack, hosea’s death, and the trolly, i honestly think it would be in, and immediately after, guarma that dutch would begin to set his sights on impeding javieran’s partnership.

by this point, javier has a severely weakened sense of self, purpose, and safety due to the chaos of so many fatal failures in rapid succession for the VDL’s, while also having a powerfully bolstered sense of duty, trust, and loyalty to dutch because of how he committed to saving javier’s life before getting off of guarma (while arthur saw the worst of him there, javier was locked in a cage, so he’s no more privy to his leader’s downward spiral than he was before). so pairing this state of mind of javier’s with the way that kieran essentially lead the o’driscolls straight to them, it’s the perfect in for dutch to start trying to worm his way into javier’s mind about how kieran may not be “who he thinks”. now, i’ve seen a few documentaries on dutch, but i’m certainly no specialist, so i can’t settle on how exactly he would go about proposing doubt into javier’s mind. i could see him projecting things onto javi, convincing him into believing that it’s potential that he sees in kieran, and not what he actually provides. or perhaps similar to how grimshaw sees the threat in mary to arthur’s loyalty and attempts manipulation accordingly, dutch may not even pull javier aside but simply start speaking to his boat of disheveled followers on the way back from the island, saying “you know, we lost a few good men back there, and are mending a few more. that o’driscoll ambush was the last thing we needed- and that kieran, i never did like him.” simply to knowingly leave javier deflated, conflicted, and left separated from his lover long enough to let the love in his heart get muddled in the chaos.

by here, it could be written two different ways, depending on where your javier lies in his distance from canon LOL “canonically” (not that it could be, by now, since kieran must be alive, but let’s say that’s the only thing that changed and we aren’t going to diverge the ending itself any further), javier would fall for dutches tongue, and his relationship would eventually fall apart. kieran would notice immediately that javier’s heart was no longer with him, and it would quickly go downhill from there- in my opinion, kieran would then abandon the gang like a few of the other members prior to the climax shootout, and javier would make it there with just an extra ounce of grief in his heart, going on to flee to mexico like normal.

the OTHER outcome, and how i would write it personally because canon is simply something for me to clock in and out of as i please, is that javier’s conflictions are just a smidgen less due to that little ounce more free kieran makes him feel compared to the current state of the gang, (and no matter what, if he has to fight, he’ll fight, if he has to run, he’ll run. if he has to die, he’ll die. but he’ll stay free. yes, i am bastardizing this quote towards individuality.) and he manages to break free of dutches delusional influence- with dutches attempt at splitting javieran up being the thing that gave javier the courage to doubt him. javier owes dutch his life, and he knows this, but by chapter 6, javier’s love and the purpose he’s found outside of the gang (with kieran), like john’s (for his family) and arthur’s (for john), gives him the clarity to choose that over blindly following dutch off of the cliff. usually it’s around this time that i write him to flee, off to go find kieran again and choose him again, for the last time, once and for all.

i do think this is a very fun thing to speculate on !! thank you for sharing with me and for asking my opinion on it :’] it makes me very happy that you wanted to hear it !!! i agree with you that dutch could very well begin to see javieran as a threat against him, especially with john’s “betrayal” happening right before his very eyes stinging him already. it would be very easy to conclude that dutch would want to begin meddling in any relationships that aren’t between people whom he knows won’t question him- and kieran was never really loyal to him at all. if anything, it’s arthur he’s loyal to, what with how he thanks arthur profusely for sparing, protecting, and improving his life overall. dutch is smart enough to know that if he can convince javier to shake kieran, he’ll stay a valuable pawn on dutches side of the board no matter what, because then he’ll have nothing else again.

please please please do let me know when you’re finished writing it !!! i would be ecstatic to read it, i’m living on crumbs over here <//3

[xmoonlitxdreamx]

Kinda wanna rename spadille........ 🧍‍♂️

[queenlucythevaliant]

Here's what I'll say regarding choice of worship music (and I'm not 100% sure where I'm going with this, so bear with me): I think it's very easy to get burned out on specific kinds of worship, no matter what they are. And that kind of burn-out is hard.

I grew up at a church that did 95% CCM for worship, and after a while it either (a) exhausted me emotionally or (b) bored me. By the time I hit high school, I really really struggled with corporate worship because it felt as though I wasn't responding as I was supposed to. Getting to sing mostly hymns at the church I attended at college was a huge breath of fresh air, and it helped me immensely in terms of re-orienting my heart towards Christ-centered worship (as opposed to me-centered worship.) For the first time in my life, I found myself listening to Christian music on my own time during the week.

I watched the recent Jesus Revolution movie with mom over the summer. Her family started attending Calvary Chapel (then-nascent hippy church in Orange County) midway through her childhood, and she got really excited talking about the difference between the hymns she remembered from early elementary school ("we sang the whole hymnal rather than selecting for the really good ones like they do at your church") and the much more dynamic music that came out of Maranatha and other early "contemporary" Christian groups. She actually played me a whole bunch of the songs she grew up with the next morning. They sounded horrifically cheesy to me, but she got real joy out of it and even ended up texting a few songs to my aunt.

And yet, my mom has remarked a whole bunch of times to me that she really can't stand current CCM; that she desperately misses singing the old hymns. I look at myself and my own experience and I can totally see myself coming back to some of the CCM songs I grew up with and encountering Christ through them all new again. As recently as last month, I had a really beautiful experience driving back from a concert crazy late at night with my sister and listening to some of the old Chris Tomlin and Hillsong stuff that I hadn't heard in a while. It brought me back to a sense of incredible comfort and safety nestled up against God like a baby chick. Do I want to worship with that sort of music every week right now? No, definitely not. But it has its place.

Obviously worship transcends something as incidental as music genre. It's an expression of why we were created: glorifying God and enjoying him forever --- and yet, because of the fall, it's really easy to get burned out on specific expressions of worship. I don't necessarily think that's a bad thing so much as just a symptom of the fall. I also think that people who are really burned out on a particular kind of worship can be really, really obnoxious about it. I know I was for a while, and I still definitely have my hangups with CCM.

But like- I don't think it's so much about judgement or superiority towards the kind of worship music that you're burnt out on as it is just the overwhelming sense that that kind of worship music felt exhausting and this kind of music actually feels like I'm able to worship again. I know when I started singing hymns at church, it just felt like I'd found the Rosetta Stone. I was suddenly so much less in my own head on Sunday mornings and oh my goodness singing to God was a joy again and I can't remember but I don't think it's ever been a joy like this before has it?? It was almost like my head was spinning with some great new revelation and when I was obnoxious about it it was mostly a manifestation of my being like Why didn't anyone ever tell me it could be like this? Why isn't everyone singing hymns? It's just so much better this way!

Mostly, it just feels like saying "don't be overly critical of how other Christians like to worship" kind of. Misses the trees for the forest, if that makes sense? Like, it's accurate to the big picture, it's absolutely a true and worthwhile thing to say. But at the same time it kind of rankles for me because it misses how it feels to be truly and deeply alienated by the kind of worship you're exposed to.

For better and for worse, worship is (I think) the spiritual discipline that engages the emotions most directly. The feeling of being in a group of people all worshipping together, and your heart just isn't responding right no matter how you try to re-focus and orient it? It's one of the loneliest feelings I know.

[yorulel]

• 🗒️🧪🍹 •

DW YALL I STILL LIKE CRK!! I thought it would be kinda cute to draw these two cuz yk they’re both mechanics lel

[starheirxero]

yk. i mean. how much does KC actually need to look like Moon?? Like, from a "your worst flaws personified" perspective, KC looking like a twisted and monstrous version of Moon is extremely fun!! But I feel like during its "just some guy" arc, it doesn't really need to resemble Moon anymore, yk?

I always think a good moment for tsams characters like this is a moment where they realize they're allowed to build their own identity and not feel intrinsically tied to Sun and/or Moon. So, although I don't know what exactly KC would look like once it starts to build more of its own identity, I think it'd be cool if there was more changed to its silhouette n stuff that clearly sets it apart from Moon.

[fonulyn]

i tried to avoid the discourse lol but tumblr keeps 'recommending' me posts from each side so i'm gonna get this off my chest so i can stop thinking about it :'D

i find it annoying how somehow a lot of people seem to have decided that Leon hitting on Shen May in ID has to either be 1. completely and utterly platonic or 2. completely and utterly sleazy, and there's no options in between. and both sides act as if their reading of the scene is foolproof and the other side is ridiculous for even entertaining the opposite. as if things are ever so black and white lol.

personally, my very subjective reading on the scene is that yes he hits on her but once she turns him down he not-so-very-smoothly turns it joking. there's nothing in his expressions or bodylanguage that, to me, suggests that he's being serious about it in the end.

and I genuinely don't see a character who has such strong convictions and morals in other aspects of his character merrily adultering away like some have suggested. if that's how you want to see him, go for it :'D but personally I don't think it fits the rest we know about him. at all.

but that doesn't mean he didn't go into the conversation with the intention of hitting on her, either. he craves human connection, he's lonely as fuck, so if her response had been different then i have no problems seeing him wanting to take it further.

(i genuinely don't know if tumblr's just throwing super old posts at me and if this is an active ~discourse at all, but i kept getting takes thrown at me so here, have mine lol)

[emmaspolaroid]

are ya’ll gonna yell at me if i say i lowkey see the vision with Vamola x Kinta