#and then go home and stop thinking abt it. how do i apply the stupid bullshit i decided to study? i should have done Ecosystem restoration | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

butgilinsky · 4 years ago

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meant to be // np

warning; stress/anxiety, mentions a toxic ex but doesn't go into detail abt it, fluffy nolan, i think that's it?

summary; when you go MIA, Nolan makes sure you're okay. based on the song meant to be by bebe rexha & florida georgia line

word count; 2.8k+

a/n; this is a part of my yee haw series (all fics are stand alones, so don't worry about that) if you have any interest in checking those out too! until then, enjoy fluffy nolan

add yourself to my nhl taglist!

You were usually pretty good at telling yourself that you were blowing things out of proportion. It didn’t always stop you from doing so, but it usually talked you off a ledge. This week, it seemed that there was no talking yourself off of the ledge.

Other than the fact that you were five pages into your portfolio that you were submitting to Temple in an attempt to get into their MFA program, one that you’d been wanting to go to for years at this point, your ex had made a recent appearance in your life. As if the stress from applying to grad school wasn’t enough for you to handle, you had run straight into your ex on your way home from grabbing coffee.

It would’ve been enough if you had just run into him, if you had to exchange pleasantries with the same person who shattered your heart into so many pieces you were still recovering two years after the break up. The same person that traumatized you enough to have to put your current relationship on a speed so slow that you were sure a sloth would have moved faster.

Nolan had been patient with you, which you were beyond thankful for. He was fine with things going at a snail’s pace, given that you weren’t the only one between the two of you that had a rocky past with romantic relationships. It wasn’t news to anyone that you were together, but it had been confusing for just about everyone outside of the two of you.

There wasn’t a label on it, neither of you needed one to know where you stood. Both of you had an understanding that you were just as damaged as you were interested in each other, and working slow without any labels or the need to structure your relationship in society’s idea of normalcy was your middle ground. It allowed the two of you to breathe, without leaving a lingering doubt about how the two of you felt about each other.

People pestered the two of you about it, why you wouldn’t wear a WAGs jacket or introduce Nolan to your parents when they were in town. They didn’t get it, but they didn’t need to. You and Nolan communicated very well with one another, and if the two of you knew what was going on with everything, then nobody else needed to. Neither of you needed anyone else’s validation to be content with where the two of you stood.

But then you ran into your ex. Your shoulder collided with his on the street and while you thought you were piecing yourself back together from everything he put you through, the mere sight of him sent you down a spiral that you had avoided for as long as you possibly could.

It’s not that you missed your ex, because you didn’t. You didn’t miss him or the way he spoke to you, nor did you miss the lack of communication and being left in the dark more often than not. Seeing him made the hairs on the back of your neck stand up, but everything he put you through came to the forefront of your mind, and you were unintentionally overwhelmed with the worry that you’d end up in the same scenario with Nolan one day.

You didn’t think that Nolan would hurt you, not the way you’d been hurt in the past. You trusted him more than you’ve ever trusted anyone, and he proved that he deserved that trust. It wasn’t the thought that Nolan would become the person your ex had been, but the thought that there would be a day where Nolan was your ex.

It was scary and deafening, and the reason you couldn’t finish your portfolio. You’d been writing for hours, or trying to. The chair you were sitting in had grown uncomfortable in the first hour, and you had migrated around the apartment to look for a place that didn’t hurt your ass or your back. Unfortunately you couldn’t find one, opting to sit on the floor in between your couch and your coffee table. You’d been so lost in thought that you had spent six hours without responding to anyone, not even realizing that time had gone by that quickly until you got a call.

The only reason you even saw the call was the fact that the notification popped up on your computer. You knew he knew something was up because he rarely ever facetimed you without asking if you were free first; though, if he had texted you first there was no way of you knowing with your phone in a completely different room. He only ever facetimed you unannounced when you didn’t answer your phone for a while. He knew you could answer facetime calls on your laptop, and while you weren’t always in the mood to talk to him at that moment, it was enough to get your attention and let you know that he was worried about you.

But you answered it today, regardless of the fact that you looked a mess and felt even worse. You answered because you needed him to ground you, to pull your head out of the clouds and silence the thoughts that had been buzzing in your mind for over 24 hours.

“Hey.” you forced a small smile to your lips before reaching behind you to turn on a lamp, unaware of the darkness you were encased in until now.

“You okay? You’ve been MIA all day.” you rolled your eyes gently, a playful smile playing on your lips.

“It hasn’t been all day.” you tried to assure him that he was being slightly over dramatic, but the look in his eyes told you that that was not the case.

“Y/n, it’s midnight.” that it was, though it was the first time you were realizing that. You had no idea what time it was, and sitting in front of your computer for the past six hours had not helped that fact. “What happened? Talk to me.”

“This portfolio’s just stressing me out.” he hummed, unsure that was the full reason. He could tell in the way that your forehead creased and your eyes narrowed slightly that there was more than just a little stress going on. You’d been stressed about this thing for weeks, there had to be something else that was going on with you.

“So you’re not going to tell me what’s wrong?” you sighed softly, unsure if you wanted to unpack all of that right now. “Alright. Be ready in ten minutes.”

“Ten minutes? Nolan I can’t get ready in ten minutes-”

“Just put a pair of sweats on and go stand outside. I’ll be there in ten.” he hung up then, not giving you much of an option but to do as he said.

Nine minutes after Nolan hung up on you, you were standing outside, teeth chattering lightly while you bounced on the balls of your feet. The familiar car pulling up in front of you made you smile, and when you stepped up to the door you heard the lock click.

You pulled yourself into his car quickly, sighing out in relief at the warmth that encased you. Your eyes found his, a warmth spreading through your chest as you leaned over the center console to kiss him softly. He hummed against your lips, chasing you for just a moment when you pulled back. The next one lasted just a second longer, noses bumping against one another softly.

He pulled back then, moving to kiss your cheek before sitting back in his seat and moving the gear shift into drive. His right hand found its home on your thigh, the warmth from his palm radiating through your sweats and into your skin.

“Where are we going?” your voice was soft and peaceful, like the sound of home on a cold winter evening that Nolan wished he could live in forever.

“Nowhere.” he shrugged, glancing over at you for a moment to smile at you. He didn’t have a destination in mind, just driving around the city for the night. It wasn’t the first time the two of you had done this before, and you doubt it’d be the last.

These nights were your favorite; Nolan driving absolutely nowhere with his hand on your thigh and his ear offered up to you. Sometimes you didn’t talk for hours, just listened to whatever playlist the two of you chose and drove until one or both of you got too tired to continue. Sometimes you ended up hours away from home, which got the two of you (usually Nolan) into trouble from time to time.

“What’s up, what’s rotting your mind?” you leaned your head onto his shoulder, wanting to be close to him more than anything right now.

“It’s stupid.” you whispered gently.

His hand moved up from your thigh to cup the underside of your jaw. He moved towards you, eyes still locked on the road while his lips pecked yours softly. It was cheesy and a bit awkward, but it wasn’t the first time he’d done something like that. It was meant to soothe you, and it did. Nolan wasn’t a man of many words but his actions always spoke loud enough for you to hear him clearly.

“It’s not stupid if it’s bothering you.” his voice was as gentle as his heart, something you loved dearly about him. He wasn’t pushy or demanding, rather patient and gentle.

“I ran into Kai yesterday.” his muscles tensed, along with his hand gripping your thigh just a little tighter than it previously had been. It wasn’t a huge change but you picked up on it, along with the way his jaw clenched and he sighed through his nose.

Nolan had never met Kai, and you hoped he never would. Not because you thought Nolan would kill him or anything, but because you wished that nobody in your current life had to ever interact with people from your past. Kai knew a completely different person than the one Nolan knew, and you didn’t want to be the person you used to be. You didn’t want Nolan to be subjected to hearing about her or the life she previously led.

“Did he say something to you?” you didn’t expect much different from him. He’d always been a safe amount of protective. He wasn’t the type to run out of the house at the first sound of danger and pummel everyone into the ground, he just wanted to make sure you were alright. He wouldn’t put a bounty out on Kai, but if he did or said something that was still bothering you, he’d do everything he possibly could to make you feel better.

“I mean yes, but not in the way that you’re thinking. It wasn’t what he said it’s just,” you sighed, one that made your cheeks puff out and your eyes flutter shut for a moment.

“It’s just that now you’re scared that that’s how we’ll end up.” you lifted your head off of his shoulder, looking at him with narrowed eyes and a furrowed brow.

“How’d you learn how to read minds? That’s a pretty cool party trick, you know?” he laughed gently and tapped the inside of your thigh while shaking his head at you. You always tried to lighten the mood by making small little jokes out of things and while some people found it to be unbearable, Nolan loved every single second of it.

“I wish I could read your mind, it’d make things a lot easier most of the time.” you rolled your eyes but laughed, finding truth in his words.

“I just don’t want history to repeat itself, you know? I’m just scared that the things I’ve been trying to avoid are inevitable. What if they happen anyway? What if everything I’ve been working for is useless and everything i’ve run from is my destiny?” Nolan sighed softly and pulled into a parking garage, one that you weren’t familiar with.

“Everything you and Kai went through, stays between the two of you. I’m not him, and I’ll never be him. I won’t say we’ll never fight, because I obviously can’t guarantee that. We’ll fight, everyone does, but we’ll get past it. We’ll survive it all. That, I can assure you. I can promise you that I would never treat you the way that that douche did.”

He doesn’t promise you the world, nor does he promise to shoot for the stars. He doesn’t promise that things will always be alright, but that’s what you love about Nolan. He doesn’t set unrealistic expectations. He doesn’t tell you what you want to hear just to make you feel better. He’ll do a lot of things to make you feel better, but lying to you isn’t one of them.

“If it’s meant to be, it’ll be, you know? You just have to let it be, which you’re not entirely skilled at.” you punch his arm softly just as he parks at the top of the parking garage that’s almost completely empty.

“What if what it’s meant to be isn’t what I want it to be, though?” Nolan shook his head gently and turned towards you, a soft smile sitting on his lips.

“It won’t be at times, but that doesn’t mean it won’t ever be. If people could write out their lives exactly like they wanted them to be, nobody’s lives would align. You have to let things play out, baby, and I know that’s the scariest thing about life itself, but it’ll work out. If it’s meant to be, I promise it’ll be.”

Your lips move before your mind can catch up. You’re so immersed in him, neck deep in whatever he’s cooked up for you, but you don’t try to get out. He’s everything you’ve ever wanted and more. You didn’t think that anyone could be so perfectly hand crafted, treated with such care that even his flaws were beautiful. You didn’t plan on telling him you loved him, didn’t plan on saying the words that have done nothing but haunt you for the last few years.

“I love you.” it comes out in a breath, like it’s lifted a weight off of your shoulders.

He can tell you didn’t mean to say it, because your eyes blow wide open and your lips part in a way that he can tell you’ve spoken out of impulse rather than preparation. Your cheeks are hot and your hands shake just enough for Nolan to reach for one of them and hold it tightly in his own.

He’s smiling, which is as confusing as the small laugh that he lets out. It’s confusing and almost angering, but you don’t have time to ask because the second your brow furrows, he’s tumbling out an explanation for his reaction.

“I love you too. Have for a while, probably always will.” it melts your heart that’s sunk into your stomach. You’re not sure what you did that made the universe gift you with Nolan, though you believe it to be something between adopting a child in a past life or buying a woman’s order at Taco Bell when she forgot her wallet at home.

He expects you to say something else, maybe ask if he’s joking or not, but you don’t. You’re frozen in your spot, tears building up in your eyes that make Nolan meet you over the center console and pull you into his chest. He doesn’t know exactly why you’re so emotional, but he has a feeling it has to do with your traumatic past and the fear that others have installed in you. He just wants you to be happy, especially if he gets to stick around to make it happen himself.

“I love you so much, and it’s fucking terrifying.” he kisses the top of your head, his hand moving up and down your back in the most soothing pattern he can come up with.

“I know, and I’m scared too. Maybe we always will be, but we can’t spend too much time worrying about it or else we won’t get to experience it. We’ll ruin it for ourselves, and I don’t want to do that.” you shook your head, your silent way of telling him that you don’t want to do that either. You wanted to let yourself cherish falling in love with Nolan.

“If it’s meant to be, it’ll be, right?” he smiles down at you, one of the widest smiles you’ve ever seen him present. You store it in your memory, hoping you’d never forget the sight of him smiling at you like you were the only thing that mattered in the word.

“That’s right, baby. And I have a pretty good feeling about us.”

nolpat taglist; @extratragic @babytkachuks @teenagekook @stfukie @kiedhara @sadcupofcoffee @sidscrosbyy @rebel-without-care @baby-cat-nol-pat @creator-appreciator @aasimarr @bucky-ish @immmbabyyygraceee @neenaw-neenaw @shawnsreputation @pierreslucdubois @yungbeezy @tortito @dmonchld @beauvibaby @honeybearbarzal

#nolan patrick #nolan patrick x reader #nolan x reader #philadelphia flyers #flyers #nhl fic #nhl #nhl imagine #hockey fic #hockey imagine

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juchumice · 5 years ago

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ive been thinking abt this avatar au for SO LONG!! i know some other exists but i still really wanted to put my spin on it and make them younger so it could be a bit more contextually different, so they’re roughly 14 during the au!

AIZAWA: aizawa’s a waterbender from the northern water tribe. initially, many believed he was a nonbender as it took quite awhile longer for his bending to reveal itself than the other children. he has zero talent concerning waterbending, none at all. in fact, he was absolutely terrible at it initially. but, if there was one thing he was certain about in youth, it was being an excellent waterbender. when first applying to waterbending classes, he was considered far too inexperienced to join. the instructor was a stern type. he told aizawa that he had, “no potential,” and should focus less on waterbending and more on hand to hand combat to waste less time. instead of listening, aizawa practiced terribly. everyday, every moment, he would be waterbending from dusk to dawn till he stumbled from lack of sleep. he even founded his own method, drenching his scarf of spongey material in water and bending it as a weapon. after further practice, he finally got accepted into the course with pure hard work. the issue was that everyone in his class was younger than him, talented and brilliant. none of them worked as hard as he did. they all were children just playing around. as the bending moves increased in difficulty, aizawa began to fall behind again, so his whole day would be absolutely swallowed in practice, practice, and practice. he would be beaten constantly by his peers: during spars, general displays of moves, and learning, so he couldn’t rely on his own power, instead focusing on strength in addition to strategy and observation. it was this adjustment of tactics that led him higher in his studies. he was able to graduate the minor classes, but his instructor thought it was best to get more experience in bending rather than continually relying on his other strengths, so he was sent away from home to study abroad among the other kingdoms and view their bending techniques.

YAMADA: yamada is an air nomad, but he is one of the very few who does not appear to be capable of bending. due to the spiritual nature of the air nomads, there are very few who are unable to airbend, and yamada is one of them. but, everyone else was very supportive even without his bending. he was able to have many friends, however couldn’t join in their air bending games. that’s where he learned his talent for announcing. as the other kids would play their games of air ball and pie toss, he’ll be there on the sidelines, narrating every single thing with his peculiar flare that led to his popularity among the northern air temple. though, even with everyone’s supportive nature, yamada was unhappy with his position. ever since he was but a toddler, he really wanted to be an airbender, streaking across the sky on a glider and riding on air scooters, only to be sorely disappointed. sure, he was able to ‘fly’ with his flying bison’s, baito’s, help but it just wasn’t the same. after a bit, he ran from the northern air temple, sick and tired of living in such a small space. with far too many fantasies on his mind, yamada wished to explore the other nations. it was then he stumbled across the fire nation. they were fascinating. their own fierce power, their sense of fashion, their culture, everything drew yamada closer. he would watch their shows with undisguised excitement, even announcing for a couple of them. while announcing for one of the firebender shows, yamada was required to choose a volunteer from the crowd, which just happened to be aizawa. this led to the beginning of their interactions.

so that’s it i guess! my main ideas for the avatar au! yamada has a glider, but he uh... stole it. just carries it around a lot to ‘feel like an airbender’-- and it’s a great umbrella when it rains!

the au itself takes place before the 100 year war so no worries abt any firebenders just yet!! i might develop it more but this is where its at so farrr

also i wrote a lil small thing while i was playin with the idea:

...

“You know… I always wanted to bend,” Yamada said. He kicked up the dust with a shoe, frowning at the cloud that billowed around his feet as if it could disappear with a simple scrutinizing look. But, it didn’t. Merely floated to and fro without a care of his whims.

Aizawa examined him carefully. There was no sound made, just an invitation to continue.

Yamada blew at several pieces of hair that loosened from his bush that he called a hairstyle. “Yeah. Sounds ‘crazy’! But, it made total sense! Look, look, look, I would be an EPIC airbender. You have to admit. I mean, look how cool my poses are!” He proceeded to strike several different ‘airbending poses’ that neither suggested coolness nor airbending.

“You’ve watched too many firebending shows,” Aizawa replied.

“But that’s what makes it so cool! The fire just exploding into the sky like Pompeii, but you can only see these red sparkles and nothing goes wrong… Imagine doing that… Imagine…” He chuckled mirthlessly. “Being a bender must be fun, huh…” His staff loosened from his fingers to slide and clatter to the floor. “Don’t even use this DUMB thing! I dunno why I keep it all the time… Maybe, oh! Maybe every time I hold it I get a 1% increase in being an airbender or something! Yeah… tough luck. You know? You know how stupid it is when EVERYONE in the temple’s an airbender and you’re stuck being the only kid around-- believe me they’re all super nice about it-- BUT ME?? THE ONLY ONE!! Don’t feel bad for me or I’ll strangle you or something, but it still freaking sucks. Man, air scooters? I totally would’ve invented those if I was an airbender…”

On and on he jabbered. He could have done this if he was an airbender, or maybe he could have done this! Aizawa was unsure what to respond with. He never understood. Sure, he understood hardship and running raggedly through the critics and holding one’s goals to heart. A waterbender who couldn’t bend water for crap? That’s what they called him, might as well give up they had said, but he powered through and became skilled with pure hard work. No luck, no cheats, and no talent. Yamada was the opposite case, full of supporting faces and ancient smiles, but just no bending in general. How could someone so hopeful be met with such a grisly fate? Yet, all that Aizawa could offer was a tongue-in-cheek, “Sorry.”

Yamada stopped talking abruptly. “Huh?”

“I said sorry.”

“Oh. Yeah. Don’t say sorry, man! What’s the fun in that, too gloomy Aizawa, waaaay too gloomy. Y’know, it is what it is! I got a sweet gig going on anyway, I don’t need anything as stupid as airbending. Only saps use airbending, they probably think it’s cool or something, but it isn’t haha. Waterbending, firebending, earthbending, that stuff’s cool! Airbending’s just some playing around with wind or something.”

#Avatar AU #Present Mic #Hizashi Yamada #Eraserhead #Shouta Aizawa #Erasermic #BNHA #MHA #My hero Academia #Boku no Hero Academia

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lovelyisadora · 3 years ago

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ALSO marcia hcs bc u said u don't get sick of me asking abt her 😌😌 angst angst angst angst but also maybe,, younger marcia

ok so this isnt angst heavy but i do have lots of younger marcia! and you're right i dont tire of marcia hcs i love her so so much:

· her father is magyk, her mother is not. they move around a lot when marcia is a child, never staying in one place too long. the notable exceptions to this are the eastern snow plains, where they live for a few months until her father is blamed for the disappearance of the youngest princess, and then the castle

· her father is the one who first teaches her magyk and marcia loves it. she wants to be just like him, but she doesn’t necessarily want to be an advisor to a bunch of snotty princesses. he tells her that their new country’s extraordinary wizard is far cooler than snotty princesses, and that she’ll be at the top of the tower one day

· her father does suddenly die from an illness when she is seven and her mother immediately implements a no magyk rule because she’s certain magyk had something to do with his death. marcia knows what death is, she just didn’t realize that it was a word that could apply to her beloved father. And she can’t understand why she can’t have magyk, because baba loved it

· she absolutely fights her mother on the no magyk rule, and their relationship is strained from then on out. as soon as she’s old enough she starts skipping her classes so she can go to the magyk ones, or she stays late for the magyk ones. by the time she’s thirteen though her mother puts a stop to that. when she is seventeen, a teacher that doesn’t like her tells her she is never going to get an apprenticeship or get into higher education, and so marcia decides she’ll be what they think she is and makes some incredibly stupid decisions

· she meets endor in that year and endor is the one who takes her to the wizard tower, because marcia’s mother finally has the money to move them back to their home country and marcia does not want to go, but she has nothing to convince her mother to stay for. so endor takes her to the wizard tower and declares they wont leave until marcia has an apprenticeship. marcia thinks this is silas heap levels of stupid and goes on a rant about how stupid wizards are because they never take risks on people they don’t know, and thanks to her mother she’s never been a part of this community. She fails to notice endor’s eyes get wider and wider, until a throat is cleared behind her and oh fuck, the extraordinary wizard is standing right behind her

· “she meant no disrespect sir,” endor says for her, but marcia is incapable of being dishonest even when it kills her and is a terrible liar. “I absolutely did mean disrespect, sir,” she says miserably. to her surprise, she’s offered the extraordinary apprenticeship. to everyone’s surprise, the first words out of her mouth are no. “no, I mean, yes, I mean—I have to tell mama.” it was going to be hard enough to convince her mother to stay for an ordinary apprenticeship. this one is going to be damn near impossible

· she doesn’t know what to think of the crown princess cerys. cerys likes to break rules and to be fair, marcia does too, but the last rule she broke had her mother leaving her here and returning to their home country without her, so she’s reluctant to break more. but she can’t tell cerys no—everyone who meets her falls in love with her—so she has to get her out of trouble a lot. thankfully cerys isn’t a snotty princess, but oh boy did marcia not want to do this with her time.

· cerys is her first kiss. they sort of have a thing, but it’s a homoerotic friendship more than anything

· milo and cerys are good friends too but the only reason they get together is because marcia has a nervous breakdown after her darke week and stops speaking to both of them, ending the relationship, and soon after that cerys’s mother the queen dies. before cerys’s coronation the two of them are drinking and well, the rest is history, and of course milo is going to do the right thing. it’s not like marcia is ever going to speak to him again anyway.

· alther is very worried for her and not just because of her nervous breakdown. he suspects that the apprentices lost to the queste have something to do with tertius fume, and marcia has made herself extremely disliked by him. the last day of her apprenticeship he knows that something bad is going to happen. he expects her to be dragged away kicking and screaming the way syrah syara was years ago. he isn’t expecting to instead, while assisting the queen in the aftermath of her child’s birth, hear a gunshot and marcia’s shriek and spin around only to see the queen dead, her infant wailing, and marcia with a gun aimed right at her head. alther doesn’t even think—he just jumps in front of her

· marcia has no memory of how she made it out of the palace that night, or how she came upon silas heap, or even how she came back to the tower. all she knows is that she shut the tower down for the safety of every wizard inside it, and she’s terrified to leave it. if she leaves it, that’s the end of it (and her), so she doesn’t leave the tower for ten years

· alther speed racers his way over to the tower once he’s able to leave the throne room. he has no idea if marcia is alive, or what happened to the infant princess. the supreme custodian isn’t smart enough to not discuss his plans in the throne room, but marcia was never mentioned by name. he barrels into his old apartment to find her sobbing into her hands and marcia shrieks when she sees him and forgets he’s a ghost, passing right through him. he isn’t supposed to appear to her—it’s not what they do as extraordinary wizards. but how could he leave her?

· in the aftermath of it all marcia has no idea what she’s doing where jenna is concerned, but not one queen will appear to her and give her advice and it isn’t for lack of trying. she yells at the empty halls of the palace when she can’t take it anymore. “I understand you hate me but please, fucking tell me what to do.” only then does cerys appear to her, just long enough to remind marcia that she is dead, and everyone would do well to remember that. “figure it out, marcia,” cerys snaps at her, and then she is gone

#septimus heap #marcia overstrand #this is kinda chronological? whoops #i can give you more angst if you want #or more young marcia #also i could give you my septimus isnt the first boy marcia rescues from the yong army + give marwick a better backstory au in bullets #i have thoughts okay

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zontiky · 4 years ago

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okay so i tried to save this ask as a draft and it got deleted because tumblr is just such a functional website like that <3 but the prompt was “the hargreeves as ghosts in the apocalypse with five” or something like that i’m going to scream

this is SUPER long so i’m putting it under the cut hfkjsd

pre-five: the hargreeves siblings are dead. wait i feel a drabble coming on ooh

The Hargreeves siblings are dead.

Ben isn’t very aware of this at first. He’s been dead since 2006 -- he’s quite used to it, by now. What he is aware of, first, is light. Blinding white light. And Vanya, in the middle of it. He doesn’t close his eyes because he can’t feel pain, but if he could he thinks she would have made him blind. There’s light, and heat, and power, and then he closes his eyes anyway because the ceiling is collapsing around him and it’s instinctual.

When he opens them again he sees ash. Ash -- and Klaus.

He’s gotten used to Klaus, too. Klaus has a memorable sort of face; even if he didn’t, Ben has seen it every single day for almost twenty years. He doesn’t know if it’s actually been twenty years, for him. He doesn’t know how time moves for ghosts. Klaus has assured him it moves the same as it does for the living. Ben isn’t sure Klaus, stoned out of his mind, bleeding sluggishly from his arm, knew what he was talking about.

Anyway.

Klaus.

He’s wearing the coat he’s been flaunting around for the past week. His shirt is see-through, with little stars on it, like a pale imitation of the sky. Ben remembers his pants had laces on them, he’s sure they did not a minute ago, before the brightness that threatened to wipe out his very soul -- his soul is all he has left, really. His gaze drifts down anyway, to check.

Yes. Klaus’ pants have laces up the sides.

“No,” Ben says. Klaus is laying in a heap on the ground, his fingers curled like his tendons have been cut.

His lips feel numb because they always feel numb. Because Ben can’t feel at all. He takes a step. “No,” he says again, louder, surer. “No!”

Klaus looks up at him. His makeup is smudged, like it tends to be. His lips are bitten raw, like they tend to be. His hair is a mess, like it tends to be, and like it will be, always, because Klaus isn’t breathing.

Klaus is lying in a heap on the ground. Klaus is standing above his own body. Klaus is reaching for Ben like he’s hoping to touch him for the first time in years. Just when Klaus’ cold, dead, fingers brush his face, a voice from behind says, so quietly, dripping with disbelief: “Ben?”

Ben shuts his eyes and wishes desperately he could cry.

He feels a hand on his shoulder, for the first time in so, so long, but he also doesn’t feel it at all. He feels-but-doesn’t-feel someone turn him around, until they are saying, “Ben? Ben!” and he has no choice but to open his eyes and face the music.

Diego is gripping his shoulders like he is a dying man and Ben is the answer. Behind him, Luther and Allison watch them, stunned silent. Allison’s hands are pressed to her mouth. She looks like she wants to cry.

And Vanya. Little Vanya, painted white. Her head is hung as her shoulders shake with the weight of the destruction she has so inevitably caused. (Ben would say he always knew she was destined for great things -- but he can’t, because he didn’t.) (Nobody ever said great things had to be good.)

The Hargreeves siblings are dead. Their bodies are strewn across what is left of their childhood home, smouldering and burning, and Ben is very aware of that fact.

righto anyway. so they have an emotional reunion but its also kind of bitter? id have to actually write this for it to make sense so lets skip it for now lol

five shows up

he cannot see them obviously bc theyre all ghosts

god if i did write this it would be such a monster of a fic and would take me like 2 years to finish i already know fhkjdsk

somehow ?? they manage to influence the world around them maybe? idk maybe now that klaus is dead hes sober

or maybe hes high for all eternity?

for the purposes of this au lets say he died sober or in the late stages of withdrawal, and bc ghosts cant feel pain in action hes sober

so EVENTUALLY they figure out how to corporealize bc klaus is like blam wham ghost powers

asdlfk that sounds so stupid im sorry

he would say that tho imho,,, it sounds like something hed say,,,

if i DID write this it would be alternating povs also,,,

ok so out of all of them klaus and ben have the most experience homeless

and while being stuck in an apocalypse is not at all the same thing as being homeless it does help to have some knowledge

five doesnt eat the twinkie!! good for him

dammit okay. theres 2 options we can take here. in the comics five couldnt get back bc he fucked up his math and spent 15 years doing the wrong thing, but if u apply that here, with 6 other ppl checking his work this could be avoided and they end up skipping the whole assassin shtick and just hopping straight back to 2019, ready to prevent the apocalypse

OR five still gets hired for the commission but the sibs are tagging along

i think bc five isnt completely alone in this au unfortunately dolores doesnt exist :((

for each other the 2 paths tho theres also options?? bc they (ghosts) can go back in time and inhabit their past selves bodies? OR they could just,,, cease to exist

IM JUST NOW REALIZING HOW MANY PATHS THIS COULD TAKE,, AAH FUCK

okay gonna split this into parts. this is gonna be so long brace yourselves.

1) they go back in time because math checking and the ghosts swap out for their past selves

after multiple years of being stuck in an apocalypse together i think they would learn to get along with each other. like at least a little bit

which would make it easier for them to prevent the apocalypse

bc theyd:

trust each other more

already know abt the apocalypse and not have to wait for five to grace them all with his knowledge

are working as a team from the very beginning

have open lines of communication

yeah uh. so there

vanya is also already aware of her powers so the whole harold goading her into turning against her family and snapping to wipe out all life on earth thing? yeah that doesnt happen

oh and harold wouldn’t know how to do that in the first place because klaus wouldn’t throw out reggie’s journal! this solves so many problems wtf

there’s still commission issues bc they (and by they i mean five) are on the commission’s radar

so there’s still dope fight scenes sdlkfd pinky promise

okay idk. they stop the apocalypse and everything is okay the end hfkjd

2) they fix the math but only five can go back and the ghosts cease to exist

this is just sad! it would be sad okay! im sad! lets move on

subset of the past one: ben CAN go back with five because he was already dead and time travel affects them differently or something idk

aaaaaa

five & ben dynamic duo would be dope as shit BUT five would not be able to see him... so they use klaus as a middleman fjsdsfd

is there 2 bens? is one ben deleted in favor of the time-traveling ben? i dont know! i dont know my brain is melting

either way shit is happening yall!! obviously klaus is clued in, directly or indirectly it doesnt matter but he is on board the ‘don’t let the entire world end in flames’ train

3) they join the commission and then when five goes back in time they all go back

this is fun because now five is a highly trained assassin who is also lowkey a complete marshmallow for his siblings and once again TEAMWORK WOO

basically the first path but now five has a gun fhsdjk

4) they join the commission but five has to leave them behind and they cease to exist

five with a gun but hes sad now

i didnt go into how much losing his siblings would suck in the prev path but like. it would suck so much. he’s already lost them once if you think about it when he time traveled the first time and yeah he found the adult ghost versions but,, its different

and now suddenly hes stuck with these strange adult versions of the people he knows and he KNOWS them but also he doesnt? at all? they dont have all the years of shared experiences together? and theyre all grown up from the first ‘set’ of siblings he had which for five was like 40+ years ago??

SCREAMS

i have losing my mind disease (self-diagnosed)

subset: five has to leave them behind but they still exist because the commission is out-of-time kind of? idk but they’re still floating around somewhere and come back to impact the plot later or something

yeah idk. literally just wrote them down bc i didnt want them to die^2 hfkjwehd

subset: they still exist but instead of being just Somewhere they’re specifically at the assassination of JFK onwards because thats where five left them and they either go on ghosting and make an appearance in s2 OR they cease because them-wise they havent died yet but that doesnt make sense because ghosts can time travel so nevermind

i dont have the brain energy left to explore this one aaaa

okay jesus christ i think that’s all

I DON’T KNOW. i don’t know. i might write some more of this because honestly it is a very fine flavor of angst + hurt/comfort <3

#didnt proofread this at all 💀 fhsdfks #tua #the umbrella academy #pls dont let this flop i spent like an hour on it hfjksd #aus #team zero #ben hargreeves #wip #I GUESS #misc #ghosting au

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kingsofneon · 5 years ago

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ayyy its me coming in here!!! i have no requests off the bat but uhhhh ok ok hear me out. acesabo but with like. a finger kink or something? like, long pretty fingers fingering the hell out of each other or just sensually sucking on it, idk, i'll let you decide. OR, more expansion on robinkoalasabo, blease?

look okay look im just. vibing with sabo/ace rn so i gotta talk abt them but real quick i love argumentative best friend/enemy / qpp koala/sabo and both of them liking robin, LMAO !!!!! bitch!!! that shit’s hilarious. robin i think would be uhh....unused to such honest attraction? yah sabo’s a lying liar but there’s a difference in his...sarcasm vs his “I’m telling a lie so you don’t know the truth I dont want to tell you”, is what i think. so idk in what i set up i guess we have ko/ro first and Kinda girlfriends (im.....ded for fro/bin tho soz so absoLUTE we have not-yet-together-kinda-feelings-but-complicated-bc-trauma robin/franky + bc theyre not together the...flattery + enjoyment of koala’s personality and company...) friends w/ benefits didn’t-really-date but like each other a lot. and koala so sunny and happy buuut also spending Lots of time with robin - just hanging out but also sexy fun times - and sabo’s like “no I’m not sulking shut the fuck up” (but he’s totally sulking because he Liked robin too, she was someone he respected highly and she! knows! luffy! he doesn’t say anything to her about it bc he’s guilty as fuck but. boii wants those strawhat stories and he can’t sneak them out of her with koala taking up all of her attention.)

koala picks up on his grumpy mood but just figures he’s being a dick abt smth, but robin’s like nah look, pattern, and koala’s like oh. OH?

idk what they do but w/e we be vibing with nsfw, which is sabo’s. sabo’s fucking fingers man. the tensile strength. BUT ALSO he’s not very delicate, not very good with flexibility, so robin,,ho fuck boi. when against koala the dichotomy of the roughness vs that clever stroking, but then also bRO im thinking about sabo viewing masturbation etc. pretty clinically and also Be Careful Of Strength, ain’t gotta lot of time to jerk off when you’re running the revolution u know.

so like the first time robin tops im fucking laughing. koala’s probably just as rough/efficient as he is but robin...robin can unlace him in like a minute flat and figures out real quick that sabo likes being edged. the first time robin touches his prostrate..........boi.

anyway omfg that was longer than i thought so hand kink + sabo/ace

FIRST

if you haven’t read.......second chances (https://archiveofourown.org/works/15495015?view_full_work=true).........what are you doing. look at this shit:

“You want to watch me jerk it like this?” The buckle rattled with Ace's gesturing, and Sabo's eyes immediately fixated darkly on the belt. “Then I uh, I get to make a weird request too.”

“If you must,” Sabo replied, sounding the exact opposite of beleaguered as he discretely wiped the spit off his palm. Ace cleared his throat.

“Put on your gloves.”

Ace refused, refused to look away from the devious delight spreading across Sabo's stupid face.

“Oh Ace,” he purred, those damn fucking gloves appearing in his hands out of nowhere (did he have them tucked in his pockets this entire time?). With deliberate motions, Sabo smoothed the leather over every finger, and flexed, like he was about to whip out one of his ryusoken moves. “Are you sure you just want me to jerk off in these?”

“Well if you've got any lube tucked away,” Ace shot back, “now's the time to pull it out, put on a good show.”

Sabo's consequent exhale was nowhere near the flippant-and-suave chuckle he had clearly been aiming for. Smugly, Ace counted a point in his own favor before dropping onto his back and finally—finally—undoing his pants. As his own belt fell with heavy thumps to both sides, Ace brushed aside all the pesky cloth, and applied pressure in earnest with a sigh of pleasure.

and this

And boy was it a view. The gloves were incredibly well-worn, molded so tightly to Sabo that Ace could see the full articulation of his fingers' every curve, every bend. The buttery leather, lighter in color at the fingertips, glided over Sabo with the barest whisper of friction. Ace could see his grip change, pressure shifting as he held himself tighter and tighter, grunting in frustration.

“Can I take these off?” Sabo finally requested with a hint of a whine. Ace suddenly thought of Marco, and how he might smirk at that tone, if he was here. “It's not working for me.”

“It's working fine for me,” Ace did his best to leer, thoroughly enjoying his own bare hand's capacity for friction. Sabo made another sound of protest, and Ace gave in with a snort. “Fine. Just one hand.”

“It's all I need.” The right glove disappeared as fast as it came, and Sabo arched high and satisfied into his own hand, now skin-to-skin. He obligingly let the gloved hand remain in play though, skimming teasingly up and down, grinning sharply at Ace's open mouth. “Hey,” he ordered, “go faster.”

AND THIS!

“Anything you want,” was Ace's breathless answer. He didn't stop, even sped up, gripping hard and fast and chasing that finale. “You can have it from me.”

“I would chain you down,” Sabo snarled, practically a threat, only the blade was turned wholly inward toward himself. Like he was daring Ace to give him absolution. “I would bend you 'til you're ready to break, and keep you there for hours. I would make you beg for release, but deny you anyways. I would see your skin dark with my bruises, I would, I would—”

Ace's hands twisted hard against his binds, wanting genuinely to be free of them for the first time since they started this—and Sabo's reaction was instantaneous. A flex of haki into his fingers, and Sabo was slicing through the leather of his belt, letting Ace loose with an expression of terror.

And Ace dragged himself across the bed until he could cup Sabo's cheek in his clean palm and pull Sabo into a biting, filthy kiss. He was still hard as sin, and thrust forward into Sabo's hands to let him know—

“Anything,” he panted into Sabo's mouth, meaning it with every fiber of his being. He didn't mean for Sabo to cut open the belt; he had just wanted, so badly, to feel Sabo's touch. “You have me.”

bitch. bitch.

idk just gonna write some prompts bc this looks long

sabo + jerking ace off while wearing his gloves + barely washing them (to ace’s embarrassment) bc he claims he likes having evidence of ace. they’re usually kept for when he’s at home tho, sabo’s gross but not that gross ;p (and ace would probably die LMAO)

SORRY BUT THE POST I JUST REBLOGGED ABT HOLDING YOUR THUMB DOWN TO HAVE NO GAG REFLEX UM. Ace says he wants to try it but it feels weird so sabo’s like. ;) okay and runs his fingers over ace’s mouth, tapping and instructing him to hold his thumb down. tracing his teeth and teasingly not dipping his fingers down low enough, till ace glares at tries to argue smth like “this is not testing the trick” but that’s when sabo presses on his tongue, down his throat, and ace half-chokes on it. sabo just like ‘not like you have much of a gag reflex anyway’

was thinking abt this the other day but ace doing sabo’s nails and then being like dont ruin them! no touching until they’re dry but sabo’s like but idk when they’ll be dry???? bc he’s never used nail polish before and ace is like :) better not touch then as he teases sabo

ace ofc painted them gold and red bc theyre His Colours and the next day when they’re dry and pretty sabo spends ages running his hands against ace’s skin, fascinated and worshipping of how pretty ace is

before they started dating and when they were bad at handling alcohol, sabo kissing ace’s knuckles made that boi CATATONIC, his wrist would also make ace bolt bc Horny, he’s fucked when sabo kisses his wrist it’s just too...intimate.

headcanons, headcanons, they’re both pretty calloused in different ways...ace is like rope burns and shit, longer across his palm and knuckles, sabo has palm base bc of his pipe, but they’re confined, and then on his fingertips bc of dragon claw. AGAIN thinking about mr fast fuck brutality here like the STRENGTH in that boy’s hands wtf

ace’s hands have more scars, sabo has more callouses/micro-deposits bc he knows hand to hand/doesn’t start with a DF.

idk where im going with that last one guess it’s just headcanons abt hands.

that’s all fox, i like the number eight and i have so many other asks to do lmao

#dirtyshankings #saboace #saborobinkoala #saroko #bleh what a gross acronym #lemons #not sfw #i need to figure out a n/sfw tag that ppl can block that tumblr wont k-word me for #opnsfw #answered asks

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forcedsense · 4 years ago

Text

People always get so offended when I tell them that I’m allowed to call myself an idiot/dumb/whatever but theyre not allowed to call me that and then get mad at me if i call them out on it while playing games oe whatever (not abt the rpc this is abt the rl ex friend lol) and im just like;;; we might share autism but heres the thing, I’m allowed to call myself an idiot bc i live with myself. You’re not allowed to insult me because a: its rude, and b: you’re literally calling me an idiot due to my not having a sense of direction and play styles due to my disabilities.

The very fact people STILL dont understand why insulting someone for their disabilities, or flat out saying ‘your lack of attention just proves youre the worse xx player ever!!’ is literally just ableism and offensive is why i have trust issues and am tired of other people. I am allowed to joke about my problems because I have to live with them, and in manyways yes I am just an idiot, like how I was an idiot for not realizing that a grown ass man one month younger than me always relying on me to pay for shit to do w him, guilting me out of things i want to do because he decided it was stupid, insulting half the shit i liked saying it and anyone who enjoys it is stupid, regularly using the R-slur when something dumb is done/happens (ableism aGAIN), refusing to get a license because he ‘doesnt feel like it’, doesnt even try to get a job anymore after a few rejections (which, I’ve applied hundreds of places and never even received a rejection, so im starting to wonder the validity of those statements too) and saying its because his mother wants to force him into one, abusing his siblings by screaming at them and gaslighting them constantly, but I’m the idiot and the asshole because I’m disabled, or I don’t always think first before soing things (which has led to my doing shitty or stupid things, but I have the remarkable capability of admitting when I was wrong unlike these fuckheads who, when you flat out explain in detail what they did wrong, claim youre gaslighting and abusing them when youre telling them its inappropriate and wrong to guilt trip, be ableist, insult others intelligence, and ignoring when people ask you to stop, and all the times he joined my streams and would use my birth name after I asked him not to and to use my pen/alias, always accounting it to ‘forgetting’ but after 30+ times of being told, its no longer forgetting, like thats just putting unnecessary risk and ignoring personal preferences. I won’t even go into all the bitchfits about ‘gender discussion’ or anything because it still makes me sick and gave me severe imposter syndrome for my body dysmorphia.

Respect the disableds wishes, We should not have to explain this to you. Basic human decency should just be a given, and someone telling you in detail why what youre doing is wrong, and ignoring it and repeating it again (I’ve told him before that insulting me, calling me names, and otherwise hurt my feelings and I don’t want to risk any relapses. He ignored these and continued, he’d screencap my making mistakes and putting bad things in the wrong chat, and when I would apologize for what I did when I was wrong, he’d still hold it over my head and claim I suicide baited when I didn’t. I say whats happening and assume its fine since i was always there for him when he needed me, even after he actualy suicide baited me by claiming my using a joke on him he repeatedly used on me made him suicidal and that i owed him an apology, ive literally been walking on eggshells for years and finally not having him in my life has actuallybeen so much more freeing than I ever thought it would be. )

Disabled people are very often the centerfold of abusive relationships because we’re so used to the mistreatment that its almost a fucked up comfort, we feel like our complaining about mistreatment is us ‘overreacting’ because the able bodied constantly convince us it is. That we’re always the problem whether we make mistakes or do something bad and that our apologies are always fake and wrong, but when people do horrible things to us we’re not owed an apology, rather we always owe them. It’s fucked up and wrong, and honestly exhausting. We’re not punching bags to make the able bodied feel better about themselves. Whats fucked up is hes also autistic, and should know better, but is so self possessed that all the friendships hes lost and regained over the years have never been his fault, he was always ‘being abused’ by everyone, everyone somehow is always in love with him and gaslighting him, and ive come to terms with the fact its a mental fuck up of a self centered individual so narcissistic that he cant handle the idea hes ever in the wrong.

If I talkedabout this to people, they would claim I was in the wrong for not worrying about his feeings more or ‘putting up with it because it helps him feel better, he goes through a lot at home’. Being treated shittily doesnt give you a free pass to abuse your supposed friends. His dads a piece of shit and his mom (who honestly was an amazing person as far as I saw and his siblings would talk about. but he personally always claimed she’d turn into a monster randomly for saying he should get a job or try to succeed in life, and for applying for jobs for him that e purposefully failed the interviews for. These are the exact reasons he’d bitch about her, and occasionally because he’d overhear hee claiming he was wasting his life, which is horrible to hear but still does not excuse insulting your friends, belittling their success, insulting them for their disabilities, and going through your friends for supply and then dumping them and ‘accepting them back after they apologize’ whenever you need more validation. My family life is fucked to high heaven and I still try to be kind to people, I still try to educate people, and I still do my best even if I fuck up. And when I fuck up, I own up to it and apologize. Something people always ignore and pretend never happened, because to them the disabled are incapable of apologies.

Stop talking over us, stop treating us like shit, and stop purposefully hurting us, our feelings, insulting us, and using us to make you fee better. We are not punching bags, we are real people with real issues and all your shitty behavior does is add to it.

#out.#abuse cw #narcissim cw #tbd #possibly #sorry for venting its been a time #im just tired of people and like i literally moved discords and instagrams to avoid him #because of all the bs and lies he started telling ppl abt me to get them on his side #or purposefully cht screencaps to make me looo worse than i make myawlf look already lol #im inclined to delete this in case he still stalks my accounts but my ip tracker hasn taaid anythi my #but it also hasnt shown if ppl have visited my blog at all so i think even tho it said it installed that it didnt install right #ableism cw #i went on instagram and it recced his account to me and i flipped a bit ngl #i still need to softblock on my personal tumblr or just move that too #i was inclined to do moves just bc i dont want him following where i go #and i know that even tho HE initiated no contact and I agreed to it he already broke it once #idk what to do or even if i want to do anything but the amount of bs ive put up w for years bc of him is just #yeah idek im tired but wide away i think i just needed to be emotional #ive been laying down staring at the ceiling for hours missing my dog #which i probably should have dropped this asshole whwn he made a dead animal joke less than aweek after my baby had died two years ago #something i still havent handled well and maybe never will #ima go back to watching markiplier now its 3 am and im debating getting food but idek bc nothing is quit to make #and i get yelled at dor sneezing too late at night so

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rainywritingsx · 6 years ago

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i saw you on a diff blog so i thought i would ask for a scenario of (kaminari, bakugou, kirishima) talking abt how fem!reader can be annoying sometimes & they overhear and their feelings are hurt so when they confront the boys teary-eyed, the boys make it up to them by letting them paint their nails and doing face masks! :D

Thank you so much for this request anon, I absolutely love the idea lmao. The 1-A girls should just do a whole skincare routine for the boys, imagine that lol. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this! I did my best trying to write everything as good as I could, and if it’s a bit out of character I’m sorry. Feel free to give me feedback! xxx

Kaminari Denki

He was just being an airhead like he’d often be and he did not even for a second realise that his girlfriend was actually in the room next door and that the door was wide open, so she was able to hear every part of the conversation he was having.

“She’s sweet and all, but she’s so annoying sometimes.” He complained to his friend, Ashido. She just nodded slowly, not really knowing what to say. Kaminari leaned backwards to lie down in his bed and looked up at the ceiling.

“Like I know we’re a couple but she always wants to do hang out with me after school and she always texts me.” He groaned which made his companion frown slightly. Sure, couples have their ups and downs and all but she didn’t think he should tell her this.

“Denki, I don’t think you should just say stuff like that..” she said to him.

Both of them had no idea that y/n could overhear every word of their conversation. So there she was, in her room, with tearful eyes as she tried to process the things her boyfriend had said about her, trying to understand his complaints.

Was she really that annoying? Why didn’t he tell her if she really was? Did he not trust her enough? Did he think she wouldn’t take it into consideration?

She stopped thinking when she heard her boyfriend say goodbye to Ashido. Maybe she should confront him about this... that would be the best thing to do, right? They could just talk it out. She slowly got up and took a deep, slow breath before walking to the room next door. The door was open so she didn’t even bother knocking.

“D-denki?” The blond haired boy smiled when he heard her voice, but soon his face changed into a frown upon seeing her teary eyes and pouting lips. He got up and walked over to you.

“Hey, what happened?” He asked, gently resting his hands on her waist. She told him about what she had heard and his eyes widened. Before she knew it, a billion apologies and hugs were thrown at her and she chuckled softly.

“You know I can be really stupid sometimes... will you forgive me? I’ll do anything!” He said. At first she just poured, but then her face changed into a small smirk.

“Anything?” She asked him sweetly, hiding her hands behind her back. He just nodded, making her giggle.

“I didn’t think you meant this.” He whined as he looked at his girlfriend’s concentrated face.

“Stop moving! You don’t want your nails to look ugly, do you?” She just said as she held his hand a little tighter.

“Just don’t tell my friends about this.” He mumbled, making y/n laugh softly.

“Its not that bad. Taking care of yourself is normal, soon your skin will shine even brighter like a cool hero!” She said as she finished painting his pinky finger.

“And?” She said as she showed him his fingers. Y/n had decided to paint them yellow and make small black lightning bolts to decorate them. The face mask he was wearing was a pickachu sheet mask (probably doesn’t exist but let’s pretend it does).

“You look lovely!” She said happily as she clasped her hands together and nodded in satisfaction. Kaminari just sighed softly.

“The sheet mask isn’t that bad actually.” He muttered, making her smile softly.

“So, am I forgiven now?” He asked his girlfriend. She pretended to think deeply for a while before looking back at him and nodding, a smile plastered on her face.

“Totally. But don’t you ever dare say stuff like that before talking to me. I want you to be honest with me.” He nodded softly.

“It was stupid and I didn’t even mean it. You know im an airhead.” She softly hit the back of his head.

“That doesn’t mean you can just say stuff like that.” She chuckled.

“I know I know, I’m sorry babe, it won’t happen again!” He smiled brightly, making y/n’s heart melt. Who could ever be angry at this sweet guy?

Bakugou Katsuki

Surprisingly to some people, Bakugo was often really nice to y/n, even in public. Yes, he still had his bad days sometimes but he had a super soft spot for her. Now this didn’t mean his personality took a whole turn but his gestures always clearly showed he cared about his girlfriend a lot.

But sadly, today was one of those bad days. He was talking to Kirishima and basically all he did was rant and complain about anything that was on his mind.

At one point, the subject he was ranting nonsense about was his girlfriend, and Kirishima just let him be since he knew he didn’t mean any of his words and she wouldn’t hear it, since she was hanging out with some of her friends.

Or that’s what they thought.

It turned out that some girls weren’t feeling well- uraraka had trained way too much yesterday and seemed like she could throw up any second, Yaoyorozu had tried making a meal which wasn’t exactly the best, so the girls decided to go to their own homes and meet up when everyone’s health was better.

So the two guys didn’t know that Mistuki let in y/n. At first she didn’t really know what they were talking about, but she could sense that her boyfriend was in a bad mood. She took off her shoes and hung her coat on the hanger and slowly walked up the stairs to his room. She froze however, when she heard her name slip past his name a few times, along with some big complaints.

Now she was aware that her boyfriend was a hothead, but that didn’t give him an excuse to be like that to her. Sure, he had days where he was just angry but he’d never ever insult his girlfriend. She slowly started tearing up but tried to stay strong by clenching her hands into fists.

At first she thought of just leaving him alone for now until Kirishima left, but she didn’t want to do that. A soft sigh escaped her lips before she knocked on their door. She didn’t even bother saying who it was and opened the door.

“Mom I told you-“ Bakugo stopped when he saw you standing in the doorway, eyes glossy with tears. He gasped softly and immediately put two and two together. Kirishima smiled at you awkwardly and slowly got up.

“I should go... uhm.. yeah... talk to you tomorrow Bakugo.” Before he left he quickly muttered something about his friend’s actions not being manly.

“Y/n..” was all he said. His girlfriend sighed softly and sat down in his bed, next to him. Panic took over him as he saw the first tear roll down your cheek.

“Okay okay don’t cry.” He said and sighed softly. “I didn’t mean it... i was just pissed today because of that half and half bastard...” he stopped when he didn’t hear you say a word. I’ll tell you what, we can do whatever you want to do alright?”

“Can it be anything?” She asked hopefully, and although Bakugo could sense that y/n was planning something he wouldn’t like at all, he nodded.

“I didn’t think you meant this.” Bakugo grumbled as you continued to apply pink nail polish on his thumbnail. You giggled and looked at him.

“You look lovely and the mask is good for your skin! Maybe I should also do your hair like Best Jeanist did..”

“WHAT?!” He exclaimed making y/n laugh loudly. After a small silence Bakugo spoke up.

“Are we good now?” She chuckled and nodded

“Yes but if you do shit like that again I swear to god I’ll kick your ass to Jupiter.” Bakugo smirked and nodded.

“I’d like to see you try.” He replied cockily, making her roll her eyes.

“I’m serious, Katsuki. Don’t do it again.” The girl said as she looked him dead in the eye. “Just talk to me next time instead of complaining to Kirishima.” He nodded and suddenly pulled her closer before kissing her deeply. Y/n knew Bakugo wasn’t the best with words and this was his way of apologising. Yes he had become a lot softer for her but there were still some things he should work at.

“You’re forgiven.” Y/n spoke softly when the blond haired guy pulled away. He smiled and then looked at her face in confusion before laughing loudly. The girl frowned at his reaction.

“What?” She put her hands on her face and then stopped when she realised part of the liquid of the face mask was on her face. She sighed softly and then grabbed the jar which contained the liquid and smirked at her boyfriend.

“Ah, I think you need some more. Or if it doesn’t work we should do it again...”

“WHAT?!”

Kirishima Eijiro

He had a long day at UA. He lost in a training battle, got a low score on his English test and he just wasn’t feeling great. His girlfriend, y/n, had noticed his mood but didn’t think too much of it, since Kirishima often had his bad days but got over it and kept his temper.

Today was different. He was talking to his friends during lunch and kept ranting about everything that happened that day. Little did they know his girlfriend was just walking by when he started talking about her.

As his friends all silently ate their food-bakugo hadn’t arrived yet, hence the silence, as the irritated redhead complained about anything, not even bothering to think about his words.

“-and don’t even get me started on y/n! That woman literally drives me insane! She’s so annoying, I want to feel like a man for once but that won’t happen if she continues babying me!” A soft frown appeared on y/n’s face as these words hit her like stone bricks. Was this really how he felt about her? Why didn’t Kirishima just tell her if it bothered him this much?

“Sometimes I don’t even know why I asked her out, ah... every second of the day she asks me how I am, if I’ve eaten, how this went how that went- it’s tiring!”

“I think it’s more tiring for her.” Ashido mumbled as she dragged her fork through her food, annoyed by her friend’s attitude.

As the conversation went on, y/n stood in silence, reflecting on everything she did and how she acted around her boyfriend. Was it that bad?

But why didn’t he tell her? If he was all about being manly, he should’ve manned up and told her right?

She needed answers because this wasn’t like him at all. This wasn’t the kirishima she knew. So she took a deep breath and put her plate down on the table where he was sitting. The force caused a loud sound which made Kirishima whip his head around. He was about to go off when he saw his lover’s tearful eyes piercing into his own.

“Y-y/n...” she didn’t utter a word as she suddenly grabbed his wrist and pulled him with her to a more private place. She did not want to cause a scene in the middle of the school.

“What was that for?” She said in a shaky voice. Kirishima sighed softly, looking down in shame. He knew exactly what she meant by ‘that’ and he felt bad. Seeing her made him realise how dumb his words are. He was just being an idiot and didn’t think about his words.

“I’m sorry.. it’s just- I had a horrible day and I took it out on everything and everyone, b-but I know that it isn’t an excuse for it.” She huffed and crossed her arms against her chest, eyebrows furrowed in anger as her lips were formed in a small pout. Usually he’d find her adorable but knowing that she was angry, Kirishima decided to keep his mouth shut.

“Okay, will this make up for it? We can do whatever you want for the whole day and I won’t complain, I promise. I don’t care what it is, even if it’s not manly I’ll do it.”

“Okay, lets go to my house after school.”

“Does that mean I’m forgiven?”

“Just do as I say.” She said before turning around and leaving. Kirishima chuckled as he shook his head.

Okay, when Kirishima told y/n they could do anything, he didn’t think they’d do this.

“You okay babe?” Y/n asked her boyfriend teasingly as she continued to decorate her boyfriend’s white nails with pink flowers. He was about to talk when she stopped him.

“Don’t talk. You aren’t supposed to talk with this face mask on, or it won’t work!” She said as she held up a finger against his lips. He sighed and poured childishly, making y/n giggle softly.

“Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone about this unmanly thing.” She chuckled and tried to hold in her laugh when she saw his facial expression relax immediately.

“But you know, if I made these flowers red you’d look good with them. And a real man has great skin.” She teased, meaning it as a joke but Kirishima actually agreed, which he showed by nodding. He then looked at her with puppy dog eyes as if to ask if he was forgiven. She smiled and pecked his lips quickly.

“Of course you are. But if you ever talk like that about me again I will not hesitate to tell everyone about this.” Kirishima nodded quickly at this before y/n continued decorating her boyfriend’s nails. He’d never admit it, but he actually quite liked this. The face mask was nice and the nails wouldn’t be too bad if they were more masculine colours. But of course he would never say that to y/n, or she wouldn’t leave him alone. He was just glad that his girlfriend forgave him, because losing her was one of the last things he wanted.

#kaminari #kaminari denki #boku no hero academia #my hero academia #bakugo #katsuki bakugou #bakugo scenario #bakugo x reader #kaminari x reader #kirishima #kirishima eijirou #bnha scenario #bnha kirishima #bnha bakugou #bnha kaminari #kirishima x reader

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wvrmtails · 6 years ago

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( and what loneliness is more lonely than distrust? )

( keiynan lonsdale, twenty one, agender ) my goodness, is peter pettigrew back? it’s been a few years since the halfblood has been around the castle, but i’d recognize he/they anywhere. rumor has it the seventh year spent the past few years aligned with the order. they’re stillallocentric & cunning and obsessive & passive, though. and the gryffindor still reminds me of ketchup stains on band shirts, an incomprehensible minute long string of curses, tracing the veins in your wrist, the smell of breakfast and fresh coffee, card tricks at three in the morning. well, then, i guess some things never change.

links: playlist. pinboard. stats.

triggers: child abandonment, eating disorder (specifically bed/bulimia), depression, anxiety, weed. there’s a heads up before every bulletpoint!

history.

child abandonement mention | peter grew up in glasgow, scotland and was raised by his mother, a halfblooded witch called daraja pettigrew. his dad wasn’t in the picture, hadn’t been from the moment his mum had told him that she was pregnant. | end of mention

which meant peter learned how to be alone from a young age. his mother worked a lot, after all, so she could pay the rent of their small flat and give peter the bare minimum, the things he needed. peter delved into fictional worlds: he read books. comics, mostly, but also a lot of roald dahl. he also watched a lot of telly, because tv is the bomb.

went to muggle elementary, where he was kind of? an odd one out. his clothes were always a bit lumpy, his words a bit jumbled, his eyes shifty. was an outsider on good days, a target on less good ones. he spent many lunch breaks eating alone, and most of the time he didn’t mind — being alone meant he could let his mind wander.

still, it fucked with his self esteem. no kid likes feeling alone, or like an outsider.

and then hogwarts rolled around and! friends! marauders! peter felt so at home! oh my god okay listen. he loves the marauders so much and he was so hyped and happy to be part of this little group and there was a Lot of hero worship there, esp in the early days?

peter always loved heroes. he loves comic books and people who save the day and get the girl and do it all. i think he kind of … projected that onto james and sirius especially? did not know how to do this friendship thing as an 11 year old tbh, was a mess, was blinded by their amazingness damn

also. re: being sorted into gryffindor! peter admires heroism and bravery and chivalry, and it’s your values that get you sorted some place. and he does try to be brave, and he IS, because he becomes a damn animagus for his bud! i mean! he was not a hatstall btw — i choose to ignore that stupid bit of post canon. it took a while for the hat, sure, but no more than two minutes.

pete was & is a shit student, not bc he was dumb, but just because school was not. his thing. his jam. the system was just not for him. deadlines? exams? homework? no thank you. anyway, peter’s skills flourished a lot more in different settings, like … using charms for convenience. or becoming an animagus for his bff. making potions against hangovers. etc.

becoming an animagus for remus was ! important ! to peter ! he did it for remus, not because of peer pressure, or anything else — he did it because it was right, and his friend deserved it and ! he did it, too, because he could. sure, his transfig grades may have been more than poor, but the kid did have some skill. he just needed motivation, which mcgonagall didn’t give (bc. she scared him.) and this situation? motivated the hell out of him.

peter would be lying if he said he wasn’t taken a bit aback when he learned about remus’ lycanthropy — not because he was scared of him, to be honest, but he was just ? shocked ? he was more scared for remus, and so sad? so fucking sad for him? : (

collects chocolate frog cards like it’s his damn job. i mean, he did it before hogwarts, but once he arrived and there was more opportunity to trade and a whole club dedicated to it, peter grew more and more driven to complete his collection, lmao. peter also really likes playing gobstones and is pretty good at it? same with chess & card games — he loves games!!!! so much!!!

weed & anxiety tw | peter started smoking pot in the summer between his fourth and fifth year, and never really stopped. it made him slack more at school, but also eased his anxiety, which had started to develop in his fourth year. as months passed, peter became more and more of a stoner, which made him both more relaxed and funnier, but also ... a whole of a lot lazier. | end of weed tw

peter had always been a bit ... fidgety, easily on edge, a bit nervous, but he’d never really known anxiety until around fourteen years old. his insecurities grew, as he started comparing himself more to his friends and finding nothing but things he lacked in comparison to them, and questions as to why they put up with him. | end of anxiety tw

so his schooldays mostly looked like ... doing nothing, playing games, having fun with his mates, getting high, forgetting his homework, stressing about homework, and somewhere, in a tiny corner of his being, worrying about the war. whenever those worries started coming up, though, he was able to push them away, because the war was not yet there, not for him at least. there was graduation to worry about first, and once that was done, then he could worry about the war.

and then the war came to hogwarts. peter was shocked. peter had been in denial about the war and how close it could hit him, because in his mind he and his friends would be safe at hogwarts, would be safe until at least graduation, and then that was all gone. peter didn’t do much during the battle. i can imagine that he just hid, that he tried to stay out of trouble, that a side of him showed itself that he did not like at all. he worried about his friends, hoped they were safe, but didn’t go looking for them, didn’t try to protect them: he clung to safety and hid. like a fucking coward. he prayed, for a moment, and then cursed god to hell and back. probably smoked a few cigarettes, too.

post battle & currently.

peter is ashamed. ashamed of his cowardice, ashamed of his passiveness, of his incapability to stand up and fight, like so many of his friends did. a disgust grew in his chest for himself, and yet he was glad, somewhere, that he had hidden. he’d not seen as much as others had. he’d not gotten hurt. he had not died.

he did join the order, along with his friends, in an attempt to make up for his earlier lack of bravery, but he finds himself incapable to do much. he’s not good at dueling and while he’s able to be strategic and cunning, his mind seems to shut down whenever he tries to apply himself. he’s terrified, frankly, and he’s angry, because he should just be at fucking hogwarts.

that idea i mentioned earlier, that the war wouldn’t be real until after graduation, and then graduation being postponed significantly, kind of froze peter up. rather than dedicating himself to the order in his own ways, as he would do in a canon verse, or eventually deciding to walk over to the death eaters, peter just became passive. i think peter hung around hq a lot, cleaning up and cooking food and making sure there was always enough tea/coffee/beer/liquor around for when there were meetings. would rather clean a dirty toilet than go on a mission. The Order’s personal MAID!

depression & weed & eating disorder (bed/bulimia) tw | peter feels useless. he feels like a shitty person. he feels like he’s a burden. he hates himself. peter starts secluding himself, hiding in his mother’s home. he smokes more pot. he sometimes goes a week without seeing someone besides his mum. he watches too much telly and reads comics and drowns in fictional worlds and he becomes depressed. he sinks into it without noticing and can’t come back from it. his eating habits ( which have always bordered on unhealthy ) turn worse; peter binges, and then restricts, falls into a cycle. it’s the only routine he has.

when he’s around his friends, he lives up a little. he cracks jokes and wants to play games and laughs and feels a bit more alive, but he always craves his time on his own. that’s his new way to feel safe: to stick to his newly found routine, hidden in his room, away from reality. | end of tw

and then, finally, he was able to return to hogwarts. the three years spent away from school feel like a blur, if you ask him now, a useless blur, and peter’s laughing when he steps on the train. he’s glad. he’s glad. he can return to his plan to graduate and then, maybe, find the power in himself to face the war, rather than still, kind of, deny it. peter just wants to return to his last year and make the most of it, and return to the way life once was. ( that that’s kind of impossible is, well, yet another thing he’s in denial about. )

random facts & ramblings.

peter parker is his favourite superhero just because ... they share a first name and because peter parker is a bit of an underdog too and peter is just like! amazing! he named his owl parker.

he hates cats. used to love them --- he was allowed to take the cat from home with him to hogwarts when he was eleven, but he brought him back home after an unfortunate incident where his cat nearly ate him while he was in his animagus form. “sorry ma, i don’t love him any more. here. have him.”

peter is actually a solid cook. this is because he learned to make some basic food when he was still a kid, first with his grandma, and later on his own. he liked doing it for his mother and he was. .. good at it? peter is also just passionate about food and finds comfort in cooking. breakfast food and baked goods are Prime Food Categories.

he is asexual af, panromantic. has kissed both guys and gals and nb pals but did not like it??? confused. does not understand sexuality and all that jazz but tries not to think abt it because like! he’s got enough stress! doesnt need to think abt this!

peter is also agender, but i think he’s a lot less aware about this, because it’s confusing and so he just tries not to think about it. he does feel okay with he/him pronouns, but just doesn’t feel connected at all to being a boy/man

peter has abandonment issues because his dad, well, never even bothered to be there. not even for a second. he’s just constantly scared that people will leave and it’s funny, because he will probably end up abandoning all of his loved ones KDJFHSDF.

peter is quite non confrontational but also not ... meek? he just avoids it, either by physically staying out of people’s way or by dismissing most of the things said and getting out of there. a Passive Kid. will, however, defends his friends honour, because damn it, he loves them so much.

he’s such a fucking dork i swear to god. but he’s funny! peter is really funny. i deeply believe in this. he makes great puns and is able to just come out of nowhere and make a comment that just. hits the nail right on its head.

peter curses a lot and has a scottish accent and sometimes he will have a minute long cursing session that no one rly understands.

listen i have such a wide array of hc’s im not going to list them all here just ask me

possible plots.

tutors. someone help peter graduate bc that is like. something he does want to do. he’s taking his newts in transfig, potions and herbology.

fellow collectors. please trade chocolate frog cards with peter and help him finish his collection before he loses his gd mind.

let’s play a game! peter rly likes playing games and tbh he’s usually in for one ( though it does depend on who you are, lmao ) so! maybe your character and peter just like hanging out and playing some Games.

i will add more im just so tired of typing rn KSDFHSJKDFHKJSDFKDSFH

#totalusintro #this got long akjdsfh

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lookwhatilost · 6 years ago

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i. i must’ve passed out unintentionally at some point. im not happy abt it. I didn’t take my makeup off yet. my teeth aren’t brushed. I do this a lot and I worry abt how damaged they must be getting, jst bc I’m stupid and drink too much. I dnt think I drink that much, I mean maybe in general, but not last night. I had, what? the flights at area two, the spiked seltzer and Moscow mule at cityside, the two beers when I got back to the apartment—wait, no, that actually is kind of a lot. im not sure when I got so desensitized. I check the clock—2AM—so i actually haven’t been knocked out for as long as I thought. two hours, probably. it could be worse. the cat is still awake and still being credulous with me. he’s warming up to me again, but it’s a little disheartening to redo this dance with him each time I see him. remember me, dammit. i remember you. I dnt think I’m being entirely fair to him, though. he’s a cat. i can’t rly apply my human understanding of anything to his behavior. either way, he’s waiting outside the bathroom for me when I go in to attend to my teeth and makeup. he follows me. he falls asleep next to me. i feel a little bit validated. part of me thinks being the kind of person that animals like effortlessly is the mark of some inherent goodness, but I know it’s illogical and this took effort. i want to jst believe there’s goodness here, and in my absence of any real examples, I’ll assign depth to something like this. sometimes it’s all you can do.

ii. the sun doesn’t have any business being up at five-something, but it is, and I dnt think there are shades in this room. well, I’m not sure, maybe there are, but I didn’t have the foresight to look for them or close them. llewyn has moved, he’s in his actual bed now, but he seems to have taken notice of the fact that I’m awake. I try to rest my eyes a little bit. i know i won’t be able to sleep with the sun in my eyes, but it’s restful anyway. I have a long day ahead of me and i want to ease into the morning. i think i drifted back off but I can’t tell. llewyn has moved again. it seems like he wants to cuddle now. impeccable timing, as always. ive heard ian’s alarm go off a few times in the other room but they’ve still not come out of it. i have to leave soon. i wanna actually physically say goodbye but I’m worried they’re avoiding me. the last time we had a goodbye moment, i kissed them on the cheek and that probably made them rly uncomfortable. I’m not even sure why I did that. i think they’re the only person im comfortable showing any kind of affection towards but that doesn’t make that action any less weird. especially given... i dnt want to think abt that shit anymore, actually. i can’t without feeling ashamed and very, very stupid. it’s not like that anymore, but i wonder how much has to happen and how much time has to elapse for something like that to not actually matter anymore. i wonder if it ever won’t. it’s probably not personal. not everything that affects me is abt me, sheesh.

iii. the iced coffee at cumberland farms tastes the same as the iced coffee everywhere else, but i can’t get it here often, and it’s very inexpensive. it can’t help but occur to me that 24 ounces of coffee is 7 calories, and the calorie counts are printed on the packages of the food I got—250 for the sandwich, 150 for the hash browns. i marinade on the thought for a little bit before deciding what to do with it. I eat my food and drink the coffee and try not to remember. I do anyway. I’m trying to think of different numbers. this is a pretty substantial takeaway breakfast for $3 and change. better than what i probably could have got at mcdonalds. the sandwich is kind of soggy but it’s not bad. the hash browns are better.

iv. five hours in the car fly by my nose and im back home, kind of. i think I’m still trying to figure out what “home” means. this place is familiar. it’s where i live. my roommate’s dirty dishes from yesterday morning are still in the sink. mail that the cat knocked off the counter on my way out is still sitting on the floor. 24 hours have passed since I was last here, but it looks like nothing has been touched. I may as well have just stepped out for a cigarette.

v. very rarely does anything change in a days time, but when enough of them pass, everything is suddenly different. i slept on this couch more times than I could count before i was even on the lease, like I’d known I’d someday live here and wanted to warm myself up to it. and I’ve lived here for a while now, going on 8 months to be exact, but it simultaneously feels much longer than that, and as though it hasn’t actually been that long. a lot has happened in that time, but mainly to evan. ive witnessed many things that he’s done but have branched out very little myself. i transferred at my job abt a year ago but im still doing the same work I’ve been doing since i was 19. i still have the same friends but i see increasingly less of them. i get into the same car and travel the same roads that take me the same places. i still drink jst as much.

vi. my body has changed a lot, but the things I’ve always hated abt it are still there and the changes have jst given me more to resent. i look in the mirror when I get out of the shower and it’s all the same. the face with the perpetually stupid, bovine look plastered on it, the same masculine jaw, broad shoulders, breasts that are too far apart, more noticeably so since they’ve gotten smaller, the laparoscopy scar on my navel, the clusters of freckles that are jst pigmented enough to make my skin look blotchy, the perpetually inflamed hair follicles on my thighs, the knobby knees, always covered in bruises, the leg that’s slightly shorter than the other. the counter in the bathroom is high enough that I can’t see my labia but I know they’re there. I want to go a day without debating whether to cut them off with the sharpest knife I can find. it’s not today. the weight loss did little to make me feel better abt the way it all looks—the size of my jaw and shoulders is more apparent now that they are less hidden, my eyes bug out, it’s hard to contort so that my ribs aren’t visible somewhere, my hipbones poke through my clothing. I dnt think I’ve ever looked so bad in my life. Im going to cover up.

vii. I look at the date on my phone and saw that it was the 24th and for some reason identified that this was the last time I’d see that number on a calendar before I turned 24 myself. It doesn’t seem to make sense that I’m that old now. I know it’s not old, too, but it doesn’t seem like that should be me. I still think I behave like a child in a lot of respects, and the thought conjures a memory of my old therapist insulting me, saying that I had the mental tendencies of a child in grammar school. when she told me this initially, I replied to her sarcastically: “well, shit. maybe I should see a therapist abt that” and she told me not to come back to her practice. I cried on the way home despite how cognizant I was of the absurdity of the situation. “grammar school”—who even calls it that? it stuck with me nonetheless. it’s hard to have a therapist fire you, even with the knowledge that the therapist in question was not very good, without wondering if you’re a basket case, if help will always be lost on you.

viii. my job isn’t the worst but the labor feels pointless and it rly intensifies my feelings that I’m fighting never ending monotony to wring out very little in the way of satisfaction. i think you rly have to love this job to do it as a career, or maybe you need to have a specific personality type that makes it easier to engage w. im not very good at socializing and i think im getting too old to keep making excuses for myself abt that. meg and ash are always nagging me to sell more but i dnt feel comfortable enough to make small talk w these people, let alone sell them stuff. i feel like i sound so stupid when I speak aloud. i use a lot of fillers in my speech and it’s rly hard to talk abt hair without sounding like a bullshitter. something is very insincere abt the language that’s involved. i know i know what im talking abt but I dnt know how to sound like i know what I’m talking abt, and it’s hard bc the latter is a lot more important.

ix. I can’t tell if people sincerely aren’t making sense today or if im foggy bc i kept waking up and going back to sleep. this guy keeps saying that the last woman who cut his hair used a 5 on the sides and a 9 on the top but she cut it all w scissors. that definitely doesn’t make sense. i dnt think they even make a 9. why would she be using clipper settings to describe a scissor cut? the top here is at least 3 times as long as the sides and back are. im not going—oh my god, i can’t deal w kids who scream during their haircuts—insane, right? stuff like this makes me rly doubt myself, too, like there are bigger gaps in my knowledge than—wow he rly jst is not tiring himself out w this screaming, huh—i feel there are. what if this actually is a coherent way to describe a haircut? maybe he rly is jst stupid, but I also think that when you write people off as “stupid” all the time, it reflects—god, why is his baby sister screaming now too? nothing is even fucking happening to her—worse on you than it does on them. it’s always the biggest idiots who are so self-satisfied to think that. but im not self-satisfied at all, im very insecure and it’s constantly apparent, but everyone is insecure abt a lot, and that doesn’t doesn’t equal intelligence. I wish I had a sounding board. and i rly wish that kid in Niya’s chair would stop crying.

x. everyone in the salon today seems like they’re in a bit of a weird mood, it’s not jst me for once. the phone is annoying me a lot more than usual today. i feel like it’s ringing every 20 minutes. niya is always very avoidant when it comes to taking haircuts, but meg is lagging today which is unusual. it was busy, too, but i keep getting shafted where tips are concerned. most of my regulars who were due to come in around this time came earlier this week, and usually they’re the ones who tip me the best. the radio station that’s on is very weird too, distractingly so—it’s gone from bowie, to panic at the disco, to nirvana, the police, florence and the machine, neil young, lord huron, rhcp, crowded house. it’s not intolerable, but i can’t seem to follow any sort of genre or time period theme and im paying more attention to figuring this out than i am what im supposed to be doing. it’s that point in the night where people generally stop coming in and I know I haven’t made very much. I’ve counted... $24. weird. are they playing “brick”? that’s a throwback.

xi. i remember my ex being rly into mystics despite not understanding them very well. i forget what he was doing w my natal chart, but he told me once that 24 would be a rly significant year for me. i asked him why and he said that’s all he could figure, there was nothing in the way of further details that he provided. i know I said something back to him abt hoping that id be married by 24—so stupid. granted, i would have been 18 or so at the time and 24 seemed very distant at the time. but that was 6 years at the time, now it’s less than 3 weeks. ive changed a lot, mentally at least, but my circumstances haven’t rly. maybe on superficial levels. yeah, i support myself financially and i have a job in a field i could realistically work in for the rest of my life if I wanted to do that. but im still jst as unsure abt what I want and what’s going to happen to me. i feel like I’m more “sought after” in a few ways, but my phone is jst as dry as it’s always been. i was hoping the move would have been good for me but im very scared abt doing it alone. and i might still do it, i jst dnt know what the timeline is going to look like and there’s no promise of me turning over a new leaf for real and finding my inspiration jst bc my scenery has changed. every time ive moved when I was younger, it jst dug me deeper into loneliness. but i was a child and it wasn’t my choice. but there’s no way for me to rationalize asking my actual lived experiences. maybe that’s the big thing that’ll happen to me at 24? or maybe instead of getting married, I’ll break a marriage up. i know that’s not going to get that far, you know, w kenny. i probably shouldn’t joke abt it, though.

xii. it looks like Evan is home from friday’s already and i rly dnt want to be around him right now. im still feeling rly hurt abt him pulling the plug on the massachusetts move without making any effort at all to sort his finances out or secure some additional income that wasn’t the precarious extra dollars he’s been getting from porn. he keeps sinking all of his money into bar tabs and impulse purchases and takeaway food. and his cars. i wish he would jst be honest w himself abt the cars already. he needs to sell the honda and be done w it before he has to replace the engine and drop another two grand on repairs. i dnt know why he never listens to me. im rly growing to dislike him, but we’re in this together whether i like it or not, and im not going to lead him astray when his financial problems are dragging me down w him. i think i am going to be a hypocrite and go out alone tonight. kenny’s bar is doing that bottle opening thing tonight, right? but i dnt rly want to be around kenny right now. but he might not be there. but i also get a weird satisfaction from being around him I’ll bet it’s going to be a madhouse there, too, and i rly hate crowded bars. but it’s something to do. maybe i will get lucky and someone will talk to me and we’ll have a decent conversation and I’ll never see them again after. why is that my ideal?

xiii. god, running out the last hour on the clock is always hell. no one ever seems to come in, so it feels like a huge waste of time, but when people do come in, i get very irritated. so I’m not sure what i actually want from my time here. i think im jst too fixated on how being stuck here until close almost every night is hurting my ability to expand myself socially. but what would i even be doing if i wasn’t here? i think i would jst be finding a way to waste time. id be sinking hours into doing nothing like I do all the time. i have a lot of time on my hands, in the grand scheme of things. i have literally no idea where it all goes. i drink a lot of it away bc i am generally too uninspired to participate in my hobbies, and i think that feeds the darkness bc they make me very happy. at least w cooking, yknow, i have to eat. i have an organic need to engage w that one. all else has been falling through the cracks, though. i dnt think ive picked my bass up in 3 weeks.

xiv. Kenny’s bar looks like it’s absolutely mobbed and I’d be upset if I went all the way out there only for me not to be able to sit down anywhere. it looks like Evan went back out. that works. i have beer at home. I’d be smarter to save the money anyway. i want to support kenny and the rest of the guys, even though I dnt have a lot of nice things to say abt him. his brewery is cool. it’s cool to have something with so much potential come out of your home town, even if i dnt entirely identify w that place as being my home town. but it’s better than saying that im from alabama, even though i feel like my childhood is more tethered to mobile. i think people would make weird assumptions abt me if I said that. people are rly unfair to what the south is actually like. i dnt know. but their growth has been nice to watch. seeing something you’ve supported since the beginning grow to the degree it has makes you feel pride even if it has nothing to do with you personally. and ive had so many good moments there, w ian, w my family, in general. i met justin there and im happy abt that, even though i dnt know what’s going on w justin. i dnt think justin knows what’s going on w justin.

xv. looking at my shelf of ian souvenirs is making me miss ian, even though we were jst together, even though we’re seeing one another again in 2 weeks. I wish I could engage w them in a more stable way. seeing them reminds me of being a teenager and breaking into the apartment i used to live in on governor’s island. and since the base went out of commission not long after we moved, i was the last person to live in that apartment. i went back into my first bedroom and the evidence that it used to belong to me was still apparent, but the floorboards had been warped and the wallpaper was very faded out. i felt weird being back, nostalgia and warmth pitted against the instinct that i wasn’t supposed to be there. i wasn’t supposed to see it—a rosy memory colliding w irrefutable proof of the passage of time. ive been very unfair to them, ian, in so many respects but it’s all very mixed and complicated. i look at this person, and i see so many years worth of history, but the familiar messy gold hair is framing a slightly different, slightly fuller face. they talk abt people i dnt know very well, stories set in a city ive spent very little time in. it’s disorienting. i feel like when im here alone, im always confronting their ghost, in places we used to go together, in things we used to talk abt doing but never did—a final hike on a trail that closed before we got the chance to go together, their name scratched in the wall of a dive bar, things they’d always point out on the side of the road, small pieces of their essence scattered across a place they are no longer a part of. i wonder what I did to deserve any preservation, too. i see this person who I truly am proud of, who i rly do think is going places, and that respect gets interpreted into feelings of inadequacy. that there’s no way someone like this can look at me and see anything other than an unstable failure. i dnt think any other person knows me more fully, for better or for worse. worse is dominant. i know it is. my intuition is always screaming at me that they hate me, that they left bc they wanted to get away from me. literally none of that makes sense. i know they dnt lie to spare my feelings, but i feel like they almost have to be. i wonder why i can’t trust that im cared for. i wonder why I can’t have an evaluation of another person that i dnt immediately relate back to myself.

xvi. it took two beers for me to realize that I haven’t eaten anything since i was in boston. i need to stop doing this shit, but im still getting my calories if im drinking them, right? i feel like it doesn’t make sense for recovery to be as difficult as it is, but my emotions have always interfered w my hunger cues, and my body is so accustomed to constantly being hungry that it’s not something i even notice that much anymore. I’ve been getting weird pins and needles feelings in what I’m assuming are my intestines as I’ve upped my intake and I’m afraid of them rupturing and me bleeding out internally when I’m home alone. such a pathetic way to die—having your own blood and bile and shit poison you. I doubt I’m on my deathbed, i think my system is jst on the slow path to returning to normal, but i wasn’t expecting physical symptoms aside from weight gain, which on its own, i could live w. my ednos was never as restrictive as it was until somewhat recently. my problem was generally concerned w binge eating and compensatory behavior, usually fasting or short periods of restriction or exercise. all punishment based. i can’t help but find it ridiculous that i ended up w an eating disorder despite never caring abt my weight. even when I was a high school freshman and overweight, i didn’t care. i think it’s because i dnt outwardly self harm anymore, and that self-destructive need has translated into other conduits. the scars this leaves are much more socially acceptable than what I was left w when I was younger and carved “dumb whore” into my thigh. i can’t believe i did something so stupid. im glad that finally isn’t visible anymore. i can’t believe that i’m almost 24 and still, to some extent, do shit like that.

xvii. i still have that vacation time that I took to look at apartments in massachusetts, and since that isn’t going to happen, i want to take a poorly planned solo vacation. i looked at places to stay in DC, in chicago, in nashville, but i left discouraged. nashville is too far, Chicago is too expensive, DC seems too dangerous. i think my perpetual anxiety prevents me from taking full advantage of my freedom. and I can be free. 24 hours ago, I was in Boston and I didn’t have to tell anyone I was doing that. I’ve navigated a strange place on my own. I lived to tell the tale, but I also wonder what the point is of stuff like this if I have no one to share it w. No one to reminisce w. it feels like a waste of money. almost nothing feels worth what I spend on it––time, money, calories, stop thinking abt calories.

xviii. i open another beer, basically on an empty stomach. i need to stop drinking like this, it’s not even negotiable anymore. i know this is a problem. i need to stop. i dnt know if I want to stop. i want to drown in bliss but I feel none. alcohol amplifies everything I feel, and when I’m feeling good, it’s generally very good, but when it’s bad, it gets very bad. i feel weird now so it’s amplifying the negatives. they do not need that. no, i dnt need that. i know this is an addiction. im scared, but not scared enough to do anything abt it.

xix. i still have Rebecca on social media despite everything. she’s moved, she’s no longer in my proximity, but i still have her on things even though I have no motivation to keep any sort of peace with her. I remember when things happened, when i was too drunk to stand up and she insisted on forcing herself on me anyway, after the fact she kept saying all this stuff to me abt how she wanted me to be her girlfriend and i jst sort of laid there and said nothing. i had nothing to say. i wasn’t processing what’s happened, i jst kept thinking “this is bad. that was bad” to myself. and then she never rly follows up, a small acknowledgment of culpability, maybe, but she’s moved in w some boyfriend now. it’s weird that people can do awful things to you and move on like nothing happened, and you have those moments stuck in your head, keeping you stunted, keeping you away from living uncorrupted, uninhibited, the way you should engage w it. i think of how demoralizing it is to have your perception shattered by a 30-something woman who still laughs at nyan cat shit. i think of how most discussions of sexual assault in the mainstream act as though only men are capable of it, as though it’s only ever happening in heterosexual contexts. i think of how everyone who bullied me in high school probably does not even remember it. i think it’s absurd to compare the two things but I dnt laugh.

xx. i want to talk to Justin but i have nothing to say. i dnt know what I should talk to him abt. i dnt know how you’re supposed to do this stuff. im comforted by the fact that, since he was w someone for 10 years, he’s rly out of the dating loop, and he have no idea what he’s doing either. but it’s a red flag, you know. I think we’re jst friendly. and I’m okay w that, I need friends. i want friends. i never see fati anymore these days. things w evan are polluted. ian is very far away. it occurred to me that i know very little abt him, aside from us getting along, but do we actually? how would I know? it’s not uncommon to have good conversations, for most people. but he knows more abt me than I do abt him. i dnt think i could name a single one of his interests if prompted. he probably couldn’t name one of mine that isn’t “drinking”. I’m not sure if I’m willfully ignorant of reality or if im jst assigning negativity to something without a lot of basis. i wonder why im incapable of living in the moment and not thinking too deeply abt what happens to me. i figured out what I’m doing w all the time on my hands.

xxi. everyone has been telling me lately that i should try to monetize my cooking and I dnt know if I believe them. i can’t imagine I’m as good at it as people say. i dnt trust it. im not even sure if it’s a passion, rly, i think my eating disorder has corrupted my relationship w food and i have to push harder to be interested in it normally, and this is how i cope. i might jst be on a kick. and if it actually is a passion, do i want to ruin it by making it into a living? i didn’t feel one way or the other abt hair when I went into it. it was a neutral activity. to grow to hate it is not a loss. i only care abt being good at it bc directly dealing w people makes my failures feel very personal when they happen. i know good food is something you can’t fake. i made ian spring rolls yesterday and they insisted I not watch them eat. i respected the request, but i needed to see the look on their face. I’m annoyed I didn’t. everything was eaten, I know they wouldn’t have done that if they hated them. but I only have my family to go off otherwise, and they would definitely lie to me. so i dnt know. i feel like support is untrustworthy. i know the people who won’t be honest w me, i dnt entirely trust praise from the people who I know who aren’t shy to say “it’s not my thing, I’m not crazy abt it”. i dnt know why i can’t accept that I’m good at anything.

xxii. there’s no reason for my scale to be out when i’m “trying” to “recover” but i will not put it away. i step on it anyway, and it looks like i’m 103lbs, fully clothed, stomach full of beer. i know it’s bad, but i get a weird amount of gratification from seeing it. it’s very hard to maintain a weight that low, so it feels like an accomplishment, even though it isn’t one. it’s been months since i had a period, and that adds to the sense of satisfaction. but it’s not good. obviously. it’s really getting in the way of me wanting to work out and actually improve my body. i’m fatigued. i’m foggy. i know the fact that i’m depriving myself is partially responsible for my terrible mood. i know i already had a heart problem, why on earth would i make that worse for myself? i’ve been having a few normal eating days, so i still won’t admit to myself that i’ve relapsed. i had a lava cake 5 days ago! there’s a quarter stick of butter in that! and an ounce of chocolate! i didn’t care, so obviously i’m doing something right. i know i’m not, entirely, but i’m staying positive. either that, or i’m extremely in denial. there’s still chocolate in the cabinet. no, of course i am not going to eat it.

xxiii. meg scheduled 6 people on tomorrow, so it looks like i’m not going to make any goddamn money again. my aunt is coming in, so i’ll get a little more from her, but the cash i take home there is so very inconsistent. i feel like the more money i save, the more i worry abt it, like i should have more by now. like i’m going to struggle forever. the stuff i’m buying now won’t matter in a few days, but that anxiety is always going to be over my head. i need a career change. i know that. i keep forgetting that pete gave me money for college, so my “i dnt want to be in debt” excuse is a lie. i keep telling people i’m considering going to college again but i know i never will bc i haven’t actually gotten any better at managing my time and being disciplined. i think i’m better at pretending i am, but i’m not. even if i seriously wanted to, i wouldn’t be motivated enough to actually take the steps required to re-enroll. it’s all too overwhelming. i feel like that feeling alone is a sign i’d fail.

xxiv. I’ve been saying this thing to myself a lot lately to self-soothe: “god’s in his heaven” and i dnt rly know what I mean by that. i dnt know if i believe in stuff like that, I dnt have any reason to believe that there’s any kind of order or force that presides over anything. is that what I’m talking abt? we’re all preoccupied w our own things, attending to our own futures, making our own peace to the best of our abilities? maybe? am i saying that we’ve all been abandoned, ignored? then why do I find it comforting? i dnt think my inner monologue makes a lot of sense, but i only ever talk to myself these days. maybe I’m talking abt myself in an idealized way, but I look back on the past 24 hours and see my good mood i woke up w descend, the 900 calories I’ve consumed today, the $24 I’ve made, the singular text thread I have w ian, the nothing I’ve done in the handful of hours I’ve been home, the three empty beer cans. i know i’m constantly in my own head, constantly picking myself apart, picking everything else apart. it accomplishes nothing. it’s useless self-flagellation. i’m constantly raking myself over the coals for shit that doesn’t matter, constantly agonizing over situations that aren’t actually that deep. i think that’s a way in which i lie to myself. i spend all day beating myself up over the inconsequential while never giving due attention to my actual flaws. even if i was, saying that i’m useless and stupid all the time still does nothing. it’s abt meaningful action, and i’m so bad at that, and i’m doing this exact thing again. i think i do it so i have something to point to, to say “i’m working on myself” when i’m jst being mean and self-righteous abt it. where has it gotten me? what do i want from it? do i think i can bully myself into change? do i rly think it will make me do anything other than resign to complacency? 24 hours, and a lot has happened, but i’ve still gotten nothing done. another will pass, and nothing will change. then enough days will pass, and i’ll notice everything is different, and i’ll still feel jst as stuck. i will be meaner to myself abt it. and that’s what i’ll do. over and over, until the end of time. Evan jst got home. he said something abt how sad i looked. he asked me what was wrong. i wish i had the guts to say any of it to anyone’s face, let alone his. it’s fine, it’s fine, i tell him, God’s in his heaven. whatever it is i actually mean by that.

#blog #literally do not feel obligated to read this. It is very VERY long #like my complete stream of consciousness from the past day #the stupid piece of shit bojack episode super extended directors cut #an essay in which i talk abt literally everything thats eating me and provide no solutions #the most disgustingly honest ive ever been on main #god's in his heaven

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glitterdustcyclops · 6 years ago

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so tumblr, what incredibly petty, ridiculous things are you fully planning on literally dying mad about? cuz for me, there are two very specific incidents in my life that i have actually out-loud sworn to still be bitter about while lying on my deathbed, both of them involving food establishments that have wronged me

okay this post got wildly out of hand (i am a dramatic bitch) so the rest is under the cut

first, the Saga of the Medium Dipped cone. so a few years back when i still lived in vegas, a brand new dairy queen opened up a few blocks away from my house which was personally like a gift from the heavens. idk if u know this abt me, but literally one of my favoritest things on this earth is a chocolate-dipped vanilla soft serve cone, and honestly tbh nobody does it as good as my queen of dairy do. so i was excited to have such unfettered access to my supplier so wonderfully close to my abode, and as soon as i noticed they were open, i begged my dad to take me one day. now, i may love a dipped cone but i’m not an animal, so when drivethru dude asked what size i wanted for my frosty chocolate treat, i said medium. sensible, i thought. not pathetically tiny, but not complete hedonism either. a reasonable amount of chocolate-shelled cream to apply directly to my face parts, or so i thought.

cuz what i in fact received from drivethru dude was a giant fucking cone,literally almost a foot of that fuckin sugar styrofoam nonsense (easily the worst part of the ice cream cone experience we are all in agreement, right?) with maybe abt a half an inch of soft serve on top, hastily slathered in some chocolate shell. and y’know, i understand mistakes can be made sometimes, so i asked my dad to double check the sitch, because that didn’t seem like my previous experiences with a medium dq dipped cone. so my dad is like “this was supposed to be medium?” and this guy, this fucking guy, looks my dad straight in the face with his cold, lifeless demon eyes and goes “oh, well, it’s just the cone that’s larger.”

THE CONE. THAT IS LARGER. JUST THE CONE. JUST THE CONE. *deep breaths* i like to think i’m a reasonable person, esp when it comes to exhausted retail/food service workers. we’re all just trying to get that bread, i understand. but yall. YALL. i about leapt over my father into that fuckin window and pummeled this dumb motherfucker. THE CONE. the fUCKING CONE IS LARGER.

i came home actually, literally, ranting about how the fuck this fuckin guy thought he could get away with giving me a “medium” dipped cone that was literally just a small ice cream in a giant ice cream package. i ate the cone, of course, and it turned to ashes in my mouth. my heart grew as icy cold as the pathetic amount of soft serve i consumed, and merely a moment later, it was gone. and my mom, my beautiful perfect precious mom was just like “next time you go, just get a small cone, and proportionally it will be more ice cream!” which honestly, is just a portal to madness at that point.

so anyway, me and the moms went back a few weeks later and i thought surely, surely they wouldn’t try that shit again, right? it was just a fluke? just a single, cruel person who hadn’t known love or joy and was too fuckin lazy to make my ice cream properly, but this time, surely, it would be different. dairy queen could redeem themselves! i believed in the power of redemption!! second chances!! so i, like an idiot, ordered a medium. dipped. cone.

AND GUESS WHAT I FUCKIN GOT. GUESS. GO ON. YOU’LL NEVER GUESS. because it was actually, somehow, less ice cream than last time, still on a medium-sized cone. like which demon thought when i ordered a medium-sized ice cream cone what i was really hoping for, what my truest heart’s desire, was a medium-sized empty-ass cone to eat. ice cream, guys. ice cream is what you serve, ice cream is what i thought i was ordering what is WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE. i was livid.

and from that day forth, i actually and literally swore that i would go to my literal and actual grave still seeking vengeance upon this establishment that had wronged me so egregiously. every time i go to a diary queen now i order a medium dipped cone, almost spitefully, and wait to see what they give me. thus far no one else has been dumb enough to try the “oh it’s just a larger cone” bullshit on me, and i haven’t had to try and nuke the entirety of dairy queen as a brand from orbit. for now.

my second story isn’t quite as dramatic but definitely still just as petty and ridiculous. this is The Sushi Incident, and it goes like this: when we first moved to utah, me and mom were shopping around for a sushi restaurant. our expectations for the food culture in this state had been already thoroughly disillusioned by this point, and after a few too many 4-star yelp reviews that surely must have been posted sarcastically led us down some dark, dark paths, we were desperate for anything approaching edible at this point. and so we hit up a pretentious looking place near where i worked, and it was busy and loud and took forever for us to get a table, but i was trying to be positive here. and i was looking over the menu and it actually kind of all looked terrible but-positive, i’m trying to be positive here, so i was searching for something that sounded good. and i noticed- under the basic sushi rolls, there was something missing. my number one, go-to staple sushi order. my version of the cheeseburger. my safe haven, that thus far not even the worst restaurant has managed to ruin for me. the rainbow roll. (yes, 95% of the reason i order it is because it’s called a rainbow roll, and therefore, it is the gayest sushi option).

so i asked the waiter, innocently, curiously, oh, do you guys not have a rainbow roll on your menu? and this monster, this eldritch abomination in the shape of a white guy (it’s always fuckin white guys, isn’t it) stared at me, like i’m fucking with him. complete blank face. like i was veering wildly off menu here, some demanding spoiled brat asking for herculean tasks in my honor. the fuckin grocery store makes rainbow rolls. this is entry level bullshit. i tried halfheartedly to explain-y’know, it’s a california roll, but it’s got slices of raw fish on top. like, c’mon dude. it’s the ham-and-cheese sandwich of the sushi rolls. and he just shrugged awkwardly and wandered off.

i don’t remember what we ended up ordering that night, i think i blocked the traumatic experience from my memory. but i do remember appending another black mark to my Record, and one day i know that i’m going to be old and withered, in a hospital somewhere surrounded by generations of my family, my wife beside me holding my hand. and i’m going to beckon towards one of my great grandchildren, and i’m going to pull them close, and i’m going to whisper they didn’t fuckin know what a rainbow roll was and then my heart is going to stop beating. those will be my last words.

so, like, pls, tell me i’m not the only one with these ridiculous stupid petty grudges against things?? pls???

#shut up chocolate #chocolate life #this post is literally just dying mad about it #the brittany cassidy story

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shinwnn · 7 years ago

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i said i love you (&. yoongi)

(inspo) five word prompts “i said i love you”

you and yoongi have always been close

like you’ve never known a time in your life where he wasn’t more than a 15 minute drive away from you

& he’s always taken care of u in an endearing older sibling sort of way, even though he was only a year older than u

in hs while you guys were applying to colleges, you figured you’d just maximize ur chances by applying to any college in the city

but yoongi wouldn’t let u and instead went through each place on ur list and crossed out anywhere w in the general vicinity of a crime committed within the past 5 years

“yoongi stop it i’ll buy some pepper spray or something”

and while he’s laying on ur bed looking up each school he says, “pepper spray? u think that’s going to keep u safe? it’s just better if ur somewhere closer to me so i can keep an eye on u”

to which u replied with a teasing smile: “oh i see. so u don’t want me to go far bc ur gonna miss me right? bc ur life would be empty without me?”

yoongi looks up from the laptop and sees how content u are with urself (ur eyes lit up, ur cute smug smile) and his heart almost jumps the slightest bit

but without skipping a beat, he shoots back, “i hope u and ur stupid pepper spray get married far away from me”

neither of you have really let yourselves think abt the possibility of a romantic relationship between the two of you bc things seem so perfect with you guys being best friends that neither of you wanted to even think abt the possibility of change

it’s there though - there’s love in the way you guys look each other and think abt each other when the other person isn’t there and eat dinners with each others families

u end up going to school nearby yoongi’s at a college that he found for u bc he knows the programs ur interested in and atmosphere that u like, and mostly bc he knows ur far too lazy to do any of the research urself

you’ve been going there for about two years now and you don’t see yoongi everyday, but you guys make it a habit to meet up every weekend no matter what

sometimes you go out for adventures on the town, but honestly with yoongi, most of the time it’s just lazy saturday nights on the couch with blankets and good music playing in the background while u guys tell each other abt ur weeks

and it’s just such a cute, wholesome friendship

recently, yoongi’s skipped out on some of these weekend hangouts bc an executive from an entertainment company heard some of the songs he writes in his free time & want him to try composing music for them

so yeah, he’s been busy writing draft after draft of the same demo

and you are so !! happy for him bc you know this has always been his dream

but you’re also worried bc you know how hard he can be on himself and how he always forgets to take care of himself

for the past few weeks you’ve been sending him periodic text messages checking up on him and letting him know what youve been up to, but all you receive in return is a sticker and, once in a while, a :~)”

and you’ve been trying to support him and you give him his space and time so he can write his best but you can’t lie that youre a little disappointed that he’s not making any effort to talk to you

so this weekend you decide to bring him dinner bc he said he’d be in working all night and , quite simply, you just really miss ur best friend

u make him kimchi jiggae bc u know how much he likes ur cooking & u pack some rice & side dishes and head over

but when u show up at his apartment and u realize he isnt home ur a little disappointed and kinda like ??? :/// where is he

you wait around a bit but he’s not answering his phone and after a while its pretty clear that he won’t be back anytime soon so you just hang the bag of food on the door handle with a little note saying “you must miss me a lot right? eat well buddy!!”

and you hang around for 5 more minutes bc ur hopeful but eventually you decide to start home

you remember that there’s a cafe nearby that yoongi would always take you to, so you decide to grab something before you head home

when you walk in the first thing you see is none other than ur best friend sleepily looking at his laptop & ur about to walk over excitedly

but when you look a little longer you notice he’s sitting across from a girl and they’re sharing a dessert & when she says something they both laugh happily

and you can’t explain it, you’re not even sure if it really happened, but you think your heart may have dropped at that moment

you also can’t explain why you turn around and walk out of the cafe when you make eye contact with him

you also can’t explain why you linger outside the cafe just long enough for him to come out and look for you

and when he does come outside you’re a little embarrassed bc you dont know why you did that, but when you look back inside and remember how happy he looked to be ditching your technically unsaid plans, any trace of embarrassment faded into anger

“we haven’t seen each other in weeks and you don’t come over and say hi?” he says playfully with a small smirk

you’re completely taken aback by how he’s acting bc ?? does he not even realize

“oh i am SO sorry!” u say w a violent sarcasm, “i didn’t think you would’ve recognized me seeing how you haven’t bothered to reply to any of my messages”

the soft smile that was on yoongi’s lips fades away quickly as he’s realizing that you’re not joking with him

he looks completely lost and he’s searching ur eyes to try and figure out what’s happening, and he looks like he’s about to say something when you cut him off

“it’s just nice to know that while i’ve been worrying about you, you’ve been out enjoying yourself”

his eyes darken a little with worry “hey,, hey” his voice is soft “i’m sorry i haven’t replied, but you know i’ve been busy. i thought you did at least. where’s all this coming from?”

you break eye contact and look down, you don’t want to say anything bc you don’t know either

you don’t know why you’re suddenly feeling protective over your friend

you dont know why you’re so hurt that he’s hanging out with some other girl,,, he’s allowed to after all

he reaches out to tug on ur jacket bc he wants to get ur attention (but also it’s just a habit of his to tug on ur jacket)

& it’s weird but when u look up to meet his sad eyes and something abt having him there, even when you’re upset at him, is so comforting that, for a moment, u feel every feeling you’ve ignored the past 10 years

u feel how much u completely and absolutely love this boy bc u know that he cares about u SO much & how comfortable and warm he can make u feel even when ur angry and it’s freezing cold outside & u feel that more than anything else, yoongi is home to u

but you can’t say any of that to him so instead u just look down again and say, more softly this time “i’m sorry just,,, go back inside okay? don’t worry about me” and you offer him a weak smile

but to him it’s just completely unconvincing

&when you start to leave he’s completely intending on taking you home and telling you how much he’s sorry bc after all he did kind of ditch u

but he can’t just ditch the girl inside so instead he waits with u by the bus stop

& while youre waiting no one says anything which is funny bc all youve wanted to do these past few weeks is talk to yoongi

"by the way, that girl is in one of my music theory classes. she was helping me polish the song i’ve been working on.”

at this point, you’re feeling a little embarrassed again about the way you’re acting (like a jealous girlfriend)

but you’re stubborn so u just make a sound of acknowledgement

“hey, i’m sorry i haven’t been messaging you. i’ll do better. sorry for making you worry. when i finish my demo track, i’ll take you for dinner ok?”

you nod and see the headlights of the bus coming so you stand up

you feel yoongi link arms with you and you look up to what might possible be the cutest little pout

“please don’t be mad at me” there’s a slight whining in his tone and u cant help but wrinkle ur nose at him, sings of amusement clear on ur face

“good night yoongi” you through him one more weak smile bc you can’t find it in u to offer anything more

he goes back inside after you get on the bus but he can’t focus the rest of the time bc when he was supposed to be thinking about how well certain harmonies complemented each other all he could think about was .... how cute you looked when u were upset?? and how come he though you being angry at him for being w another girl was adorable??

so anyway, the last few adjustments he makes to his track suspiciously has characteristics of a love song

when you get home, u roll around ur bed for a while trying to figure out everything you were feeling before you hear your door ring

when u go to answer it ur surprised to see that it’s yoongi, carrying the bag of food you had left for him ...and another bag from your favorite bakery

when he got home and saw the food you had prepared for him he knew immediately that he shouldn’t have let you leave earlier in the first place, so he figures the next best thing is coming with a bag of apology pastries

“miss me? it’s been a long hour right?” he says before shoving the bag he brought you into your hands “eat with me!”

as he makes his way towards ur small dining table, the weird tension that followed you two earlier dissolves almost completely

and ur enjoying it so much that you don’t even notice that you’re not even eating but instead staring fondly at yoongi

and when he looks up at u curiously, putting down his spoon for a moment and tilting his head bc he can tell there’s something you want to say, you take the opportunity

“sorry for being so weird today, i dont know it was weird i was being weird i shouldn’t have done any of that sorry if i ruined ur night or made you uncomfortable or made that girl u were with uncomfortable i dont know whats wrong with me i had expire yogurt for lunch yesterday maybe that’s it and ur still so nice to me even though i was being so weird and im sorry -”

the words are coming out of ur mouth at a mile a minute bc you’ve been thinking a little 2 much and now that ur finally vocalizing the thoughts, you’re finding it a little hard to stop

thankfully, yoongi also had a little time to think on the way over

and so he doesn’t hesitate to shut you up by leaning forward and placing the softest kiss on your lips before leaning back into his seat, smiling at you like he’s proud of what he did

and you can’t explain why it feels so natural when you kiss & why ur heart feels so warm, but then again you’ve been having trouble explaining a lot of things today

“i love you”

“what?” ur still a little in shock (and the fact that u feel like there are a thousand butterflies in ur stomach isn’t helping)

“i said i love you”

“ok idiot i heard u, but ... what?”

“i love how much u care about me and i love how you get mad at me and i love how happy u can make me and i love how many texts in a row you send me even when i don’t respond and i love-”

this time it was your turn to stop him, in the same way

u can feel him smiling into the kiss and u think to urself that this explains everything youve done today

bc you like him and u always have

“okay, i love you too”

#yoongi #suga #bts #bts scenario #btswritersguild #five word prompt #ok omg finally #this isnt that good but to be completley honest ive had this in my drafts for so long aand im just over it at this point #i ll do better in the future but i hope u can still enjoy this!!

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mikhailsbluecarnation-blog · 7 years ago

Text

Red Elegy

(It is neutral pair, safe for anti blmatsu. I try to make it as cheerful as possible)

It was a red red evening,

Todomatsu hummed a bit while walking on street, he just bought some body care products, he spotted Karamatsu across him, eating chocolate. "Karamatsu nii san!!" He cheerfully said while waving his hand, giggling, Karamatsu smiled and ran to Todomatsu.

"Todomatsu! What are you doing here?", Karamatsu warped his arm around him while laughing, "I just bought some beer for Osomatsu, he is upset because he is not drinking all this week". Todomatsu laughed and nodded, "Good idea. He got big beer belly and it sucks to look at it, Ichimatsu-nii san loves to play with it though", he shrugged it off.

"Let's go back home".

---------

Choromatsu pouted when he opened the door, "Hey!! You two!! It is already late!! Do you drink our beers? Like come on, Osomatsu nii san give our money to you? Right Osomatsu nii san?", Ichimatsu glared at Karamatsu and pouted, "Osomatsu nii san will get angry, he said. Although he spend a lot of our money" Ichi pouted and hid behind Choromatsu.

"True", Jyuushimatsu nodded, "Osomatsu nii san he can't play baseball with me, can you do it, Karamatsu nii san?", Jyuushimatsu jumped and hugged Karamatsu. He smiled and whistled, "Alright alright. Tomorrow Ichimatsu wants to give food to cats tomorrow, so don't play too long okay?".

"I wonder if Osomatsu will help me for house chores" Karamatsu hummed, Jyuushimatsu laughed, "He will!! I can do it though! Then we join Ichimatsu nii san feeding cats! Then we go bathe with Todomatsu, he just bought some lotions and such"

Todomatsu puffed his cheek, "There is no way I will share it with you, also who is buying dinner food?"

"Not me! I thought it Osomatsu's job? Ughh, irresponsible older brother. I will do it then" Choromatsu folded his hands and walked to the door. "I will go to market, anything you want to buy?".

Jyuushimatsu raised his hand, "Canned fish!! Meat!!" He held Ichi's hand and smiled. "Also some milk for after bath! Osomatsu likes it the best!"

Karamatsu looked at them and took deep breath, "Anyway I, Karamatsu wrote an elegy!". Choro laughed a bit as he opened his can of beer, "Elegy?"

"Hahahhaa Karamatsu nii san? Why elegy? Is not that for dead person? Will Ichimatsu or anyone murder someone tonight?" Todomatsu laughed until he got teared up. Choromatsu sighed and turned his head to Karamatsu, "Honestly, it is not funny".

"It is because I am serious, we just can't be like this all the time, right? Imagining crazy and impossible stuff while staring at ceiling while laughing at ourselves, eat then sleep" his voice turned cold and he took out a piece of shabby-looking paper with messy writing.

Jyuushi covered his face with his sleeves, "Jyuushimatsu does not want to escape yet!! Osomatsu nii san will catch you if you read that!". Choromatsu glared and kicked Karamatsu on his cheek, "We have talked about this! He is with us!! Osomatsu is with us!!"

"You mean was? It was 10 years ago since he sleep and eat with all of us! Yet, you all still pretending he is not away for the longest time. We are all adults and I don't think it is good anymore!" Kara slapped Choro and looked down. "Let me buy some cigarette".

"Escape!? You just gonna escape after that?" Todomatsu stomped his feet, "We make a deal not to grow up for the sake of him!!!". Jyuushi sighed, "True true true." he got up sluggishly and ran to Karamatsu with dark emotions. "We made a deal not to forgot".

Karamatsu sighed, "We won't have any future you know, if things going on like this", he opened his paper and took deep breath ...

"If you are here please answer us;

Stone with your name can't answer

We are lost without you but,

We will make our own way

And won't forget you as we grow up

Leaving what is with yours behind"

Karamatsu teared up as he opened the door, running to a certain place where he felt his heart crushed to pieces. He dashed to a stone with 'Osomatsu' name on it,

------

"Osomatsu I am sorry I am sorry!! He hugged the stone tightly, "I don't and won't forget you!! It is a promise!!" Karamatsu wailed and crying until nearly evening.

A child with similar face with Karamatsu tugged his clothes, "Sir!! Sir!! Do you know where are my brothers?" He chirped and hugged his waist, "You looks like him!!" The boy have gray saturated colors all over. Karamatsu stroked his hair, "What is your name?".

The boy smiled, "Osomatchuuu~" he cuddled him, "Warm!! Osomatsu is often cold!! Because Osomatsu is dead right? Osomatsu miss his family, I lost count how many years passes" he played with Karamatsu until evening. "I often try to search the house but everything is so unfamiliar, it makes me scared" Osomatsu added before yawning.

Choro dashed on the street and looking at him, "Who is that with you?" Choro sighed, "Let's go home". Oso beamed and hugged Choro's legs, "Choro right?? I am Osomatsu. You grow so big!!" He jumped up and down, "Can you makes me go to home too? I can't sleep because I often heard things done under my name. I am still the eldest you know!!". Choro looking up, "I don't know what are you talking about. Osomatsu is a grown up, not a child..definetly" Choro stopped and crying, "Does our delusions and imagination come to haunts us??" He whispered in confusion. Karamatsu sighed, "Don't be like that, let's say our proper goodbye so Oso can have a good sleep, okay?".

Osomatsu climbed his waist, "Nii san wants to sleep. Give me a good smoochiee!!!" He pouted and hugged him like a koala, Choro phoned Todo so they came here and do proper goodbye.

Todo was a bit upset with others but he came, amazed with the little boy with saturated colors infront of them, they hugged him.

Osomatsu hugged his brothers and teared up, "My younger bros grow up cool!! I am happy!!" He jumping around, his colors begin transparenting,

"It is time for Osomatsu nii san to sleep, I try so hard to call some of you but you seems call 'osomatsu' that never exist and blame things on empty air. That is stuuuuuupid" He pouted and gave others one last hug on legs. "Be a proper adult for my sake okay??? Yaayy!! If I grow up, I won't be a plain, basic and obscure person like Ichimatsu said!"

Ichimatsu blushed in embarassment and covered his face, "I am sorry. I will be a proper grown up"

The others cries while nodding and they hugged him until nothing left, "it is a promise!!"

Karamatsu took deep breath when he could not longer sense his presence.

"Todomatsu, phone. Let's take a photo". Todomatsu handed it then Karamatsu told others to lined up.

Karamatsu and others lined up with their numeric born orders and they looked cheerful, "Let's go to this place once a week. Maybe a picnic will be okay. And...Ichimatsu, if you lost your money, don't blame it to Osomatsu nii san, he felt guilty" Kara giggled at Ichi. Ichi just pouted.

"So, Karamatsu nii san, what is your plan?" Choromatsu dusted off his ankles, "Getting a job? Or applying for courses for jobs? Osomatsu literally said we should grow up".

Kara put his glasses, "Heh no plan", Todomatsu elbowed him and they all laughing,

"Okay but let's get a job. Let's secure our future properly!!" Karamatsu laughed and hugged his brothers.

Choro and others raised their hands, "Secure it properly!! For Osomatsu nii san!!"

From today and onwards, there is only five of them.

(( @dat-voneja @akimonochan @berry-momma all))

((Auth. Note: So yeah this is a HC abt what if Osomatsu dead and othera just in denial and said it under Oso's name when they are up to something stupid and shaming him over cluelessness and plainess))

#osomatsu #karamatsu #choromatsu #ichimatsu #jyuushimatsu #todomatsu #ososan fanfic #osomatsu san headcanons

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b00ksandcleverness · 8 years ago

Note

Honestly just poly rangers anything if u r taking prompts. Something abt the family's of each of them? Like Zack and Billy's moms and Trini's fam and Jason's fam and Kim's fam and idk what this is, I just rly like poly rangers

POLY RANGERS IS LYFE

Ok so before I get on with writing this, here are my poly ranger sexual/romantic/platonic pairing headcanons to stave off some questions. Trini is exclusively sexual with Kim. Her relationships with the boys are platonic, but she loves cuddling with anyone, anywhere, anytime. Kim is very occasionally sexual with Jason, but is platonic with Billy and Zach. Sometimes she just likes to kiss whoever is nearby, as does Zach. Jason and Billy are also mostly exclusively sexual with each other. Sometimes, when the mood strikes, Zach joins in with Jason and Billy, but he’s not often bothered with sex. I feel like Zach is a huge cuddle monster and him and Trini can usually be found cuddling somewhere.

I’m not too ready to add Tommy in yet simply because she isn’t developed, but I love Tommy as a girl, and in my headcanons she’s definitely pan or bi and super flirty with literally everyone. She’ll punch your lights out if you even think her full name (Thomasina). She won’t be in this fic, but if people want to see more of her with the other 5, send me prompts!

Feel free to come yell about your headcanons with me! Ok, here we go...

----

The first parental unit they tell is Billy’s mom.

Well, it’s more that Billy blurts it out during one of his babble fests they all adore, and they all hold their breath wand wait.

She’s so happy that Billy is happy and accepted and understood that she doesn’t blink twice before welcoming them all to the family and asking if they like cookies and apple juice. She has an avalanche of questions later, but they know she’s just trying to learn and they all answer her questions happily

Zach’s mom figures it out by herself. She chatters at Zach for a solid 20 minutes in Chinese while the others stand and wait apprehensively for the yelling to start, for them all to be kicked out, but then Zach hugs her as tightly as he dares and they all let out a sigh of relief and laugh as she tells them about all the polyamorous couples in Chinese mythology. They promise they’ll study them for her, and these lessons become a normal weekly occurrence that just makes Zach even more proud to have her as his mom.

Jason’s father yells. A lot. He doesn’t kick them out but he tells them they’re just kids and how could they be so naiive, how could they think this is okay, how could they think about flaunting this in public, what would people think, how could they not think of their futures, and on and on and on. Their shoulders don’t slump but Billy and Kim both start to shrink as the yelling gets louder and finally, finally, and maybe surprisingly but really not, it’s Trini who speaks up first. She gets right up in his face and tells him to shut up and to stop bullying the people she loves.

It’s quiet for a long time after that, and Billy straightens and Kim just breathes and they lean in to Jason and Zack while Trini stares down Jason’s dad until he turns and leaves the room. She harrumphs and turns back to her partners and coaxes smiles from all of them while she trembles with adrenaline. Later, back at Billy’s house, she snuggles into Kim who’s sandwiched between her and Zach and allows herself to relax and remember that she has them and she has Billy’s mom and Zach’s mom and dreads what her parents are going to say next.

Jason’s dad surprises them all when the next week he invites them all over and tells them he’s been doing a lot of research. That he loves Jason and he doesn’t understand yet, but he’s going to try and to please give him a second chance. He apologizes to Trini and Kim and Billy, and shakes Zach’s hand. Jason tells them the next day that he’d gotten the first hug from his dad he’d had in 5 years. They have hope.

Trini tries to introduce them slowly to her parents. She’d told them all that her mom was overbearing and that her dad was just oblivious and that neither of them had reacted well to her coming out - obviously. First, she brings Zach. Because Zach is a boy and Zach can be polite and winning when he wants to be. Trini’s brothers love him and her parents are suspicious. Next is Kim, who adults absolutely adore. Well. Most adults, because apparently Trini’s mom really doesn’t like Trini hanging around with pretty girls. Trini’s dad gives her an encouraging smile and Trini helps Kim escape before the barrage of questions beats down on her shoulders.

Jason and Billy come as a package, and Billy is sweet and Jason is charming and he’s Jason Scott and her mom seems to give in a little when she sees that these 4 odd kids keep coming around. But one day they’re all studying in Trini’s living room and they’re supposed to be alone so they’re not watching themselves and Trini’s mom walks in on Trini cuddling with Zach and Kim while reading her book for AP Lit and Kim just happens to be stealing a kiss from Jason while her arms are still wrapped around Trini, and Billy’s head is in Jason’s lap and it’s all wrong, all to fast, and Trini thinks she actually witnesses her mom’s head explode with the shout of her name.

“Trinity Maria Alverado! What the hell is going on in my house?!”

Trini’s mom is the first to kick everyone else out. They all tell her behind her mom’s back that they’ll be close, that they’ll come if she needs them, that they love her and all she can do is watch them close the door behind them.

Her mother calls her father while still screaming at her, demands that he come home early to deal with this.

Trini’s count of how many questions her mom asks has reached two hundred and sixteen without enough breath for her to even answer one by the time her father gets home.

“Trini, your mother says you’re sleeping with 4 other people?!”

Trini closes her eyes and prepares to explain to a brick wall. She really wishes her partners were there, but she has a faint connection to all of them and she caresses them in her mind.

“No, papí, I -”

“Don’t you dare lie to him, Trinity! I saw what was going on in this room! I saw -”

“You saw Kim kissing Jason. Because Kim likes to kiss people. I like to cuddle, and so does Zach. And Kim is the only one I’m, like, you know. With. So she cuddles with me too. And Jason is with Billy, so he’s really the only one that Billy is ok with touching a lot. And we all love each other, mamí, but it’s not wrong, it’s beautiful.”

“What do you mean, Kim is the only one you’re ‘with’? Are you having sex, Trinity? You are far too young to even be considering sex, and you’re not even married. Are you still pretending to like women? You know your father and I don’t support that, Trinity, I thought we’d come to an agreement! What I saw today...”

It goes on for hours. Trini tries explaining that there’s nothing sexual between her and the boys. Just Kim, even if they don’t ‘believe’ in her being gay. She tries explaining that yes, they’re all in a relationship because no matter how scared she is she’s not going to hide them like some dirty little secret. She’s proud of them and their relationship and maybe it’s stupid of her but she’s not backing down and she’s not moving again. She tries explaining 50 different ways but no matter what she says they don’t change their questions, they don’t change their minds. They send her to her room with a final “We are so disappointed in you, mija.” and the moment her door closes she’s out the window, running. She doesn’t have a destination in mind, but apparently her partners know her better than she knows herself because when she finally finds herself on top of her rock, they’re all sitting there. Waiting. With open arms and soft words and hot chocolate and music. She doesn’t go home for 2 days.

Trini’s parents tell her they’re moving a week later and Trini threatens to apply for emancipation. She’s not taking this shit any more. They don’t move, but for 2 months the only members of Trini’s family that talk to her are her little brothers (who understand much more easily than adults ever will. Who love their cool big sister no matter what. Who still love to cuddle with her if she promises not to tell any of their friend ever. Who don’t understand why their parents are mad at Trini, so she tells them it’s big people stuff and they’re lucky they’re still kids).

Kim’s parents are never around. She’s avoided talking about her family for so long with her partners that they knew something wasn’t right. She tells them over e-mail and doesn’t receive a reply. She stresses and worries and agonizes over what will happen when they’re both home again, but when they finally are it’s the usual false platitudes and nightly shouting match and absolutely nothing about the e-mail.

One time, they’re all at her place and her father comes home early (parents coming home early seem to be their downfall). He tells her politely that her friends should probably leave for the night. That it’s late, and dinner would be soon, even though it’s not even 5pm. Trini’s the one who spots her tensed shoulders, her quickened breathing, and asks if she needs Trini to stay. Kim shakes her head - she’s dealt with what’s coming before, and this time she has them all there for her after.

Kim’s dad shouts too. It’s worse than Jason’s dad, because his words are shaped to cut on purpose, not out of ignorance. She shrinks as she always does, trying to give the words less of her to injure. He tells her that she’ll never bring them over again, that they’ll never mention the subject within a mile of their home ever again, that it will be forgotten. The next day her parents leave on another trip and she hugs Zach’s mom and Billy’s mom and Jason’s dad so hard because sometimes, she just really wants a parent who cares.

Angel grove whispers about them, they know it. It’s a small town, where everyone knows everyone, and where gossip spreads faster than wildfire. But they have each other, and they have 4 parental figures who love them and accept them. They have Zordon and Alpha 5 and their purpose. They have music and adventures and really, what else would they ever need.

dunno what this turned into, but hope you liked it!

#poly rangers #power rangers #clever writes #fanfic #ingeneralfangirl #ask and you shall receive

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