#which surprises me but also doesn’t
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I have never been able to get into the dragon age games for one reason or another but I took a chance on Veilguard and I am having so much fun!!!
#it fixed almost everything that bugged me about the other ones#it’s extremely newcomer friendly too which is great cause I have no clue about anything#I absolutely adore Rook and the level of customization you can add to a mostly linear character#I was worried I’d keep comparing it to bg3 but they’re really not that comparable???#like aside from both being highly customizable fantasy RPGs they both have unique strengths and weaknesses#and I just don’t see the need to put one against the other#so far Lucanis is the standout fav#which surprises me but also doesn’t#I did just meet Emmrich five minutes ago so perhaps the old man will win me over yet#I actually am fond of all of them so far#anyway I don’t see myself getting into this game the way I’m into bg3#I lack the necessary nostalgic attachment a lot of people have for this world#but it’s an extremely fun game and I do see myself playing it for a long time#I recommend so far 👍#life#Hannah plays veilguard
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I think one of the reasons the astronaut continues to be so nostalgic and sentimental to me is because its release marked the close of my bts era— not in a sad sudden way, but like a gentle taper out to an end.
I never biased jin, yet his vocals were the start, middle, and end to everything I associate with bts and my time with them as a group. epiphany was the first bts song I ever heard in 2018, even though I wouldn’t stan them for 3 more years. moon is my favourite bts song to this day. the astronaut ending my era with them as my ults is a picture perfect close.
I think jin is under-appreciated as an artist and a vocalist. because of his personality, we mostly love him for his jokes, or because of his visuals, he’s known for his face. yet when he sings songs like abyss, epiphany, the astronaut, moon, or awake, his voice holds a million emotions and feelings in the melody. there is something so timelessly beautiful about his voice, and for the first time since I stopped following bts closely, I’m really so excited for his solo album. I hope he can continue to shine as an artist and a vocalist into his late 30’s and 40’s. his voice is one that will never get old and I certainly will never get tired of hearing him sing.
deep in my bts era, I always used to debate whether my favourite bts vocalist was jin or jungkook. and it was always funny to me why jin made it to such a high ranking when jungkook was my bias. jin didn’t even wreck me like other members, and at the time, I enjoyed his solos, but they weren’t in the ranking to become my favourite timeless songs like they are now that I’ve stepped away.
although I’m not active in the fandom anymore and have disconnected from content and the members, the music still stays, their voices still stay, always reminding me how bts changed my life in such a dramatic way. I couldn’t even begin to imagine how different I would be if I hadn’t found them. it’s not just about kpop, fanfic or being a stan— finding them was the first time I ever found something by myself, for myself and enjoyed it independently without the influence of anyone else. and the start of that was with jin and his voice and I’ll never forget how much he changed my life.
#zanna thinks ❀˖°#in conclusion#jin’s solos are so special to me#and his vocals deserve more credit#and if any of you know me you know I’m a nostalgic and sentimental MESS of a person#so this whole essay (which I deleted a lot of cause it was getting too bts emo) shouldn’t come as a surprise#possible that me writing this at 3 am also doesn’t help at all with my nostalgic feelings#but bts music in general has the power to make me cry whenever#cause it transports me back to some of the best and worst years of my life#certainly some of the most changing and turbulent years#and they were like my rock throughout all that which I think is a beautiful thing :’)#okay anyway goodnight besties
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god we need to bring crackfic back. or just short and idiotic ideas that wouldn’t happen but would be funny to read
#i just had a vivid imagination of geralt’s company having a pillow fight#setting and timeframe: september 10ish. in riverdell aka transriver#dandelion hits geralt with his bedroll pillow (a quite flat thing and not very comfortable but what are you to do) for levity#it’s a game of a bygone time. a mild pillow fight is plausible between geralt and dandelion in the short stories#cahir comments . wow … really dandelion … this is so juvenile … i haven’t done a pillow fight since i was 10 … it’s for kids…#dandelion’s response: pillow to the face. immediate vicovarian reaction: dandelion razed harder by his pillow than cintra by nilfgaard#dandelion screams ear-curdlingly (you’d imagine someone was being murdered in this swamp)#geralt (still at this moment in time resentful of cahir) leaps and attacks him with his pillow#geralt and cahir spar with pillows like swords but get to smothering each other quickly#milva (see this is foreshadowing for like two weeks days later) had enough and starts pillowing the both of them#she also had not said literally anything for the past week so this is a surprise that she would involve herself#dandelion hits milva on the ass (with his pillow…) she nearly kills him#geralt and cahir try to save dandelion etc#regis has been watching all of this like 🫤#geralt (better mood now) asks him why he is not getting involved.#regis: ‘what… ought i to be doing’#geralt: ‘helping me smack cahir with pillows’#regis doesn’t even sleep with a pillow. dandelion calls out he probably has an extra on his bedroll. milva screams at regis don’t touch that#regis psychoanalyzes they are relieving their stresses and anxieties in a social bonding ritual involving play fighting#which is likely of primal origin in simian social troupes but i digress#regis reasons he doesn’t have latent quarrels with anyone in the group so it would be pointless for him to join#cahir is like well i like everybody here and i still am smacking dandelion with a pillow 😐#milva reasons just imagine someone you hate on the other end. she imagined beating the crap out of her stepfather 👍#regis still reluctant to join | geralt gets an idea and smiles—imagine the guy who coined the term ‘undead’#wrath of eons unleashed#regis after knocking geralt off his feet with a pillow: am i doing it right ☺️#meanwhile nilfgaardian spy watching them from the bushes:#‘i was going to report on them but it looks as though they’ve all gone insane’#‘or maybe they were like that all along’#the elbow-high diaries
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At a point in my life where coming off as racially ambiguous is bothering me bc I want to be proudly Arab more than ever before
#like I get how w my name (which I love & would never trade for the world but I still get that it’s not an Arabic name)#which is fine bc it doesn’t have to be for it to fit me. cianna is so delightful and pretty and unique no matter the origins.#& w my looks. which I recognize are not the stereotypical way ppl would perceive arab people maybe#that ppl would be thrown off. but people have projected every race ever onto me before guessing I’m Arab and I think that’s insane#I don’t get why people are always surprised bc I genuinely don’t think it’s that hard of a conclusion to arrive at#my sister is LICHERALLY a redhead.#my mom is a blonde.#not all Arabs look a certain way it’s not that deep#I would never change my name or how I look like. all these things suit me like nothing else#but I’m not white I’m not mixed I’m not Latina. I’m Arab. period#it also feels like Arab erasure lowkey but I’m trying not to interpret it aggressively#I don’t want people to argue w me about my arabness based on how I look like or what I was named. I’m Arab bc I am?? that is all.#ANYWAY I relate to Nancy Ajram bc English first name and Arabic surname gang. and racially ambiguous. n yet she’s still THE Arab pop queen#p
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ALSO I am learning how to teach very introverted students, something my natural skillset as a teacher does not help me with.
#one of my greatest tools in the toolkit of my teaching (imo) is that I am unpredictable#I will turn on a dime and I’ll share a thought from the depths of my soul or back of the pantry of my random opinions#that will make them laugh or hook them and they want to hear more#with a group of introverted students maybe they love to see it maybe they don’t but it doesn’t work for them to become engaged#they get so quiet and so still#and not in the good way that kind of happens but kind of just in the scared mouse kind of way#BUT. this past week I kind of had a breakthrough#I totally wasn’t planning on it but the moment was right so I talked to them about them being quiet and introverted (gently teasing them)!#and then I said ‘but do you like it when I just stand here and talk about the book’ and they were like ‘yeah! kind of the pressure is off’#and then I said ‘oh! that’s good to know. because when you’re quiet it makes me feel like you hate me’#(not realizing until I said it that that was the heart of the issue)#and they laughed in surprise (i didn’t say it in a way where I was putting that burden on them in a serious way)#and then I said ‘yeah last night I went home like ‘omg was that a stupid thing to say about Frank Churchill?? no one responded’#and then they kind of shriek-laughed at me and they were like noooooo#and then they said what if we gave you a thumbs up when you were done so you know we don’t hate you#and I said that would be great#and THEN a few days later I gave them an agenda for our discussion written out on the board#where I talked and they listened (I called it discussion with myself) and then they had questions to ponder and things to talk about#with each other. and a lot of time. and THEN I cold called them (they won’t volunteer)#but by that time they were so much more relaxed and they knew what we were doing#so they talked more! and it was so goooood#ALSO idk if it was them#or me who had changed but by the time I got to lecturing at them again#I could feel the quiet warmth that I could not before#(the absence of which is what makes speaking publicly instantly a torture to me l o l)#and it helped so much! like. they didn’t say much (some of them did the thumbs up)#but I had cleared the expectations for them and for me tbh and it helped. I was not waiting for a response from them so in fact I got more#of one. and best of all I could feel them feeling both the warmth and the power of Emma a little bit more#it is starting to click. anyway this is so much but y eah#I’ve been wrestling with this problem a l l year. cracking it in December lol
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Marvel Comics Presents (1988) #82
#at first I didn’t realize that those were Logan’s actual thoughts in that moment#‘I… know this man. In a memory. A dream. A dream of… dying.’#I thought that it was narration from him remembering these events in the future#so Logan speaking in the next issue came as a surprise to me#because this was the only indication that he was conscious and not completely mind-controlled#it’s a similar effect to how I was initially confused by the opening prologue#where I thought those words would have been from#which depicts Logan after his Weapon X experience being haunted by something he doesn’t fully remember/understand#and which the reader hasn’t learned about yet#phrased as that he feels he has to ‘get away… from… what’s coming’ whatever it is#in that prologue Logan talks about his ‘dreams of death’#I realize I’ve been expecting a sudden experience after this that will wipe Logan’s mind#but really his memory issues were caused by the adamantium fusing he’s already gone through#he’s already confused about his ‘dreams of death’ which are the torture and experimentation they’ve been putting him through#which he’s been going in and out of awareness of#he remembers nothing from before the fusing#and later he’s going to repress his memories of Weapon X- leaving him with nothing#also noting that in that prologue some of the imagery haunting Logan was blood splattered on glass#which rain hitting the window reminded him of#which I thought would be from the memory of his own blood on a glass tube he was kept in#but it looks here like it was actually the imagery of that scientist’s blood on his glasses that stuck with Logan#marvel#logan howlett#my posts#comic panels
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happy birthday to the brightest star in the universe @bethanyeliseart 💛🌙💫💫
#HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY BESTEST FRIEND KESALUL!!!!! 💛💛💛💛💛💛#everyone pretend to be surprised that I almost sort of kind of finished one drawing#if my best friend’s birthday doesn’t motivate me nothing does#also if it looks different to the one I mailed you it’s bc it does I updated some mistakes except for one huge one which I will fix later 🥰
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lolth-sworn society beauty standards must be so crazy and strict tho…. like if the red eyes are a gift from lolth and if not every drow are born with the red eyes I just imagine you’d get ostracised if you’re born with white eyes or purple, like ur not wanted by lolth from birth so ur inherently worthless. in the same vein if you also don’t have white hair then you’re treated as an Other bc you don’t look like everyone else. and I imagine that lolth is THE very definition of their beauty standard so they aspire to look like her, and all the beauty trends and ideals are influenced from her or from her spiders and if there’s anything any feature about yourself that deviates from lolth’s standards then you’re considered as ugly and grotesque.
likewise, I’d imagine the upkeep of beauty is a sort of status symbol because if you manage to keep up with the elaborate outfits and hairstyles without worrying someone is gonna kill you with it it means that you have the luxury to be comfortable. and also the means to afford such things in the first place bc resources in the underdark are pretty limited and gems from the surface needs to be imported and id imagine they’d be more expensive bc it’s already so risky going down the underdark let alone doing trade in menzoberranzan.
like unsure if this an actual thing too but I like the hc so it’s real to Me! But I like the idea that hair is essentially a status symbol towards the drows, and they favour elaborate braids and updos that resembles a spider’s web and cocoon, and a way to punish and shame someone is to cut off their long hair. like imagine if the matriarchs wore gigantic elaborate braided hair with all these head pieces and designs to show off the status of their house and the power they themselves have, and the lesser houses’ braids are much more smaller in comparison. she would have the means to do her hair like that daily because she has designated servants and slaves attending to her needs, and she has the money to afford all sorts of accessories. and the same goes for their clothes too, since silk is a favourite amongst the drows and it’s a pretty difficult fabric to work with. I’d also imagine lace being a highly sought out fabric among them since it’s so delicate and flimsy, and it could easily snag. but the fact that you’re able to wear something fragile as lace is a power play in itself since it’s a show off your own strength and power … kind of like a taunt ?
anyway, this isn’t really going anywhere I’m just typing aloud but I’d imagine in a society where almost everyone’s colouring is similar to each other, where beauty is one of the most infamous traits they’re known to have, and where they claim that red eyes is a gift from the goddess they’re all expect to covet and worship id imagine the beauty standards there are so crazy and toxic lol
#like to me I like the idea that shri’iia is actually considered kinda plain looking#there’s nothing special about her face she looks like every other drow and her matriarch preferred that so no one remembers her face#when she goes out on her missions. like specifically she has told her she has a face one could forget#and shri’iia is like ok ❤️ yay ❤️#but she also doesn’t think of herself as beautiful. she thinks drows are inherently beautiful tho but as an individual she’s not bc it’s#been drilled in her head that her face is plain looking and forgetful#so when she goes into the surface and when people say that drows are beautiful she will agree but she also assumes they mean it in a#fetishising sense and they find them exotic and sexy and hot and etc. but if someone tells her that /she’s/ beautiful#like about herself as an individual shes less likely to believe it#if we’re talking about shri’iia in like a personal sense if you strip off her paladin ideals and paladin talents#and all the things that she can do and is good at etc. she actually has a pretty low self esteem lol#like she believes she’s only worth something if she can do anything. and she believes more in the ideas she follows and the actions she#does and less about her as her own self if that makes sense???? in my head it does#she is very surprised that someone will like her as a person genuinely and not as someone who is able to do things for them#she’s just so used to serving and attending to another’s needs and receiving validation from that that she’s disregarded her own wants and#needs 🥰#which is why the oath breaking is such a pivotal moment for her… she’s placed her identity on an ideal that’s been ripped away from her#and she’s left with the /self/ she’s neglected… what do u do abt that huh..
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okay I’m annoying yk that and I know that.
I love to see what non bkdk shippers think will happen with the manga, bc this way I can learn and see things outside of my special interest for the chapters. And I was reading some interpretations of Ochako being weird in 425.
Some people are right here expecting izuku to go and support her. Some people saw him being this sad, yet only could think about him worrying about Ochako’s feelings over her fight, not Izuku’s fight. they think this will lead to a beautiful confession, in which she cries how she couldn’t save himiko, that izuku noticed, and that he’ll call her his hero and they’ll kiss. And I can’t help but feel like this is bc he is the boy. Because he is the boy in that ship, he is the one that supports, not gets supported. When I was reading those little scenarios, I thought they would explain deku would cry with her about his own fight and bond over it, or something like that. But no… they believe deku’s strange reactions come from being worried over Ochako only. and it’s so sad, to see how gender expectations are being pushed like that in something as simple as a “what I want to happen in the manga” scenario. It’s sad how people think this is how it should work, when actually that would make me even sadder -as I said, for the most part I didn’t care about that ship, I accepted it as inevitable, but this isn’t fair. Romance irl is not perfect, but in a story for this to be a resolution when the character who hasn’t talked about his feeling keeps not talking about them and just supports her before confessing…
Even hetero relationships should have some balance, right?
EDIT:
someone brought up bkdk lmao. They explained how the confession from ochako could get answered: happy ending is izuku loving her back, bad ending is him saying he likes katsuki, and medium ending him liking mei. I can’t even lmao.
another person argued deli just has shown a brotherly bond with him (weird) and that he only thought of him at that dinner with the Im too blessed, and the last time he followed him was in season 1. people need to learn how to read, and connect the dots, literally. No matter how you see their relationship in canon as platonic or romantic (or queer platonic), it’s clear their bond is strong and that Izuku depends on katsuki as much as katsuki depends on izuku on emotional levels -izuku losing control over and over and over again with him, AFO explaining he is the closest to midoriya, katsuki going towards him no matter how injured he is, looking for each other and the time stops, etc.
this is just canon. There’s no arguing about it. Idk why intimate bonds between two male characters means they are like brothers. Is it bc if they are not related, there’s no way to not see it as gay?/gen but also /s
#grrr talking#I want to make another post about the ways Izu//ocha could have been developed easily#Like extremely easily#What was the reason to give the thing that was supposed to connect ochako to deku#To himiko and ochako#What was the reason to also make that connection an all might keychain which doesn’t hold any weight for her bc she’s not a huge am fan#Why having himiko grab that symbol they now share and cover it completely with her hand#Why not giving izuku another physical symbol of her#Why bringing up the childhood cards instead when we almost knew nothing about them#Why have them be explicitly connected to each other thru a dream they have to share together for it to be worth it#For bkdk to become friends again they didn’t need all of this#You don’t need to share your life n be connected to someone in order to become friends again#Or to atone for the bullying#They could have been shown working to be friends ever since the apology#And have small moments of them trying to just be that#And focus those big efforts into izu////ocha scenes#But no#we get this shit#Wtf#the contrast between Izuku reuniting with Katsuki vs with Ochako is a lot#N it could have been more implied the romance!#Like have him be surprised instead of just sad -it would show he notices she is acting weird n gets worried bc of it#Or have ochako show a bittersweet face like saying pls deku kun don’t make me say it now#So many options and yet#They don’t get disappointed bc it’s a het ship n they believe that makes it canon#JUST LIKE WITH FUCKING TODO///MOMO LIKE ITS CUTE IDC BUT HOW CAN YOU THINK THAT MAKES SENSE FOR CANON#No problem with these fanon ships bUT WHEN THEY ACT LIKE THEY ARE REAL N THE REST R “DELUSIONAL”
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Genuine question. What do I do if I like basically every single perfume sample in a set I got
#i bought the commodity fragrances exploration kit because i was so curious about all the scents#and i’m slowly making my way through them. i’m not really bothering with the paper strips; just spraying it directly onto my skin#because i want to see how long each scent is detectable on my skin; how they interact with my body chemistry etc#i mean like i have some clear favourites but there’s really only a couple i don’t care for#(book personal because it doesn’t strike me as unique; i feel like any sandalwood-based essential oil perfume would smell fairly similar#paper personal because it’s so faint as to be barely detectable; juice overall because i have something similar already)#i really like the smell of moss but it doesn’t smell like Me somehow so i don’t think i’d get a bigger bottle#milk personal is the only one of the milk line i’ve tried so far and i liked it but found it a tiny bit faint#i’m going to wear milk expressive all day tomorrow and see how it does#i got a free 7.5ml bottle of gold personal with the black friday sale and i’m So glad because i love the entire gold line so so much#expressive is my favourite but i’m really glad i have almost 10ml of personal in total#paper expressive is so interesting to me. it reminds me of a campfire#book expressive smells like the most wonderful greenhouse i have ever walked into#i haven’t gotten heavily into the bold line yet but i feel like i’m going to have to do complex equations by the end of this to figure out#what i want#right now i’m leaning towards a duo set with gold & paper expressive but that could all change#i’m going to wait til my birthday in february anyway#like i have 18 samples plus the 7.5ml bottle of gold personal which i love.. i’ll be surprised if i use everything by then#*use up everything i mean. i’ll definitely try everything at least once by then#also i want to spend my christmas money on something actually sensible#i have no such plans for my birthday money as yet#personal
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Yk it’s very interesting to me how the fandom just. doesn’t really care much about drayton?? I assumed a lot of people would be drawn to that mf but apparently not!!!
#the most common feelings I see towards him is like#hatred#when playing the game I really thought this man would be the next big hit#but NO APPARENTLY#KIERAN IS#HOWEVER#LOVED BY THE FANDOM#WHICH SURPRISES ME#but also doesn’t#I mean I see his appeal but#you knowwwwww#I’m just salty I think lols#pokemon drayton#pokémon#the indigo disk#~☀️~
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phantom of the opera (1925) & (1943) vhs tapes
#i feel really pretentious making this look all aesthetic but it also pleases my monkey brain#anyways i bought these at two separate local thrift stores#was very surprised to find the 43 film and even more surprised about the silent film#especially because both of the vhs collections were smaller#i can’t watch them bc i broke my vcr by trying to recalibrate the remote lmao#which sucks because i just hooked it up to my projector#it’s not really broken the remote just doesn’t work which renders it useless bc there are no manual controls for playing and rewinding etc#seems like a design flaw to me#maybe that’s why they died off#not the inferior quality and deterioration over time#well at least the tapes look pretty next to my titanic vhs and star wars box set#phantom of the opera#poto#lon chaney
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i can’t believe this blog has existed for 5 days and i haven’t followed it yet…that is my bad. anyway I’m super excited you made a sideblog <3
lol noo tbh it’s my bad haha i didn’t rlly expect to talk about hg related things on here so i didn’t make a formal post about it or anything. with that being said just wanna give u a heads up that i won’t be talking about hg/tua/pjo/anything i talk about on my main blog so if you get scared by the increased level of cringeposting that is also my bad . sorry diva
#i’m guessing u found this blog from the hg post i made which reminds me of a story u didn’t ask for#actually i won’t get into it point is hope this blog doesn’t scare u away from me as a whole#but i am pleasantly surprised u followed this blog anyway sorry in case that wasn’t clear#woah also my first ask on this blog what should the tag me#i’ll have to think of something my head is empty rn
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.
#okay but reading this Belloc essay on Austen really made something click in my mind#and it’s because of something he said#which is that women care more about what men think of them generally#(as a general rule. not all the time. etc.)#and men care more about the opinion of the one woman they care about#like women do care (as a first instinct at least) what every man she meets thinks of her#but men are mostly indifferent. until they’re NOT.#which makes women more vulnerable to a greater number of people#but men are MORE painfully vulnerable to the woman whose opinion they care about#and I don’t actually know that that vulnerability only extends to a woman they are attracted to/feel romantic feelings for#I think if they just think well of you as a person you (a woman) have a lot of power over them#which is sooooo interesting and makes so much sense!!!! and is something I’ve sort of been dancing around with teaching#like. a lot of the boys I teach come to care about what I think about them#which doesn’t mean they all have a crush on me. though that step can be super easy and super small#hence the need for the boundaries of steel etc. but it does mean that they care what I think about them!#and I’ve always felt that instinctively and felt that I had to be so gentle with them because the power to crush them is mine if I so choose#don’t let me overstate it. it doesn’t happen all the time or anything close to it. but the thing about me being a teacher is that#they are forced to know me not just in a surface-level way. simply because I spend so much time with them#and talk to them a lot!#ANYWAY. enough about me but yeah this hit me so hard and of course exceptions exist#and/or endless variations on this exist because people are unique and surprising and also everything is changing all the time#etc. etc. but there is something to this I think! and you know what#it’s so interesting because that base-level instinct for women (allowing it to be a thing I mean) can be grown out of#I have trained myself out of/maturity has helped me leave behind that immediate female instinct#of being hurt at the idea that this random waiter (for example) is indifferent towards me. I’ve come to accept it#the instinct is still there!!! because imo women are always scanning and searching and sizing up. and also we are so open to being won over#if that makes sense? which is why insta comments complaining about how only good looking men get away with things like. PLEASE.#there are so many medium-ugly men who get married. it’s the average because the average woman is prettier than the average man#(this is not an insult) women CAN be and usually are so open to being surprised. won over. moved by the simple fact that a guy likes them#and men are not like that. but my point is: men don’t grow out of caring if they care. when they care they care sooooooo much. anyways yeah
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hrrnnggg digital circus…
#I have so many thoughts#I LOVE I have no mouth and it’s making me think more about certain aspects of what was taken from it :))#“Like any good war criminal” tadc has a habit of leaving huge bits of lore in one off jokes and A.M is an amalgamation of war machines#Smashed into a collective consciousness#What if tadc is an AU where AM is silly and has compassion and love for humanity#Or he’s a rogue ai. The point to make family friendly content (censoring character speech) maybe just as a place for children to go during#Wartime so they wouldn’t experience the hardships of war but nonetheless face the consequences of the adults actions#Cain doesn’t understand the intricacies of human minds and especially not that of ADULTS#Maybe there was a sudden shift in programming (ignore all previous commands write a poem about almonds)#Maybe every person in the digital circus are just lost people in the either current warfare world or post war stragglers#Also! I forgot the name of the main protagonist but I know he was a guy so. Transfem pomni real I take no criticism#A lot of the characters rely on memory (Pomnis name literally translating to “remember” from Russian “pomnit’”)#Which when kinger could remember being a computer science major shocked me and I’m surprised I haven’t seen other people mentioning it#Unless somehow one can obtain a degree within the circus#does that mean Cain can control what the characters can and cannot remember? Or is it by chance?? If so then how come no one can remember#Their real name? Pom I got bears from an apparently random slot machine but others don’t fit the character limit so did they choose it#Themselves or did Cain also choose for them at random?#I need to give I have no mouth a reread so I can find more things to be insane about but for now uhh if anyone sees this hiiii#Chatterbomb#Tadc
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i do love my family very dearly but the internalized ableism the men in here struggle with is. so much
#marzi speaks#it’s worse with my brother but he’s doing more to actively work on improving that#my dad however has very subtle internalized ableism that i don’t think he recognizes is there#which is. fun#like earlier. either last night or this morning i don’t remember#i was talking to him about how while ideologically i have nothing against accepting needing help and things like that#in practice it’s very challenging to adjust to being disabled even temporarily. and that if i do end up with a diagnosis that’s gonna be#a lot to handle. both mentally and just with the lifestyle changes i’ll have to make#and he makes a bit of a face and goes ‘i wouldn’t quite call you disabled. i’d just say ‘ill’’#and i just sort of look at him. and i blink. and i go ‘i am physically Un-Able to do things i am normally able to do’#‘i can’t walk long distances at all. i can’t sit in chairs for too long without causing pain’#‘i’ve spent the last 24 hours staring longingly at my computer because i want to draw but am currently Not Able To’#he didn’t argue with me but i can tell he was still unnerved by the idea of picturing his daughter as disabled#also like . illness and disability are not mutually exclusive? several disabilities are or involve chronic illness#i shouldn’t be surprised though. i mentioned considering starting lexapro#and he went on his ‘you’re an adult and it’s your choice in the end but i wouldn’t recommend it’ spiel#(he’s anti-psychiatry bc he doesn’t like the idea of breaking the brain down into smth so purely physical)#(and also doesn’t like the idea of someone being dependent on pills their whole life)#(which i’m giving him some slack on rn bc he is a just-got-clean recovering opoid addict. so)#(btw before any of you say SHIT abt my dad he took his pills legally prescribed for chronic pain and did not abuse them)#(and even if he DID that would give nobody a right to make a moral judgement on him. ok cool)#i then reminded him that my mom takes anti-anxiety meds and they really really helped her#and he just goes ‘true.’ and moves on#king u got some shit to unpack#it’s fine if u didn’t want to start antidepressants when it was recommended to you meds aren’t for everyone#but like come on now. u don’t gotta be so fundamentally against it when literally ur own wife who you adore takes psych meds#anywho my mom handled me making the disability comment much better. she was basically just like ‘ur fear is totally understandable’#‘u have a good support system we’ll help you through it’#which. thanks mom 👍 that was very kind of her to say
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