#which means should have it this weekend
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so anyway eddie and chrissy keep trying to fuck at inopportune times in What You Want and that's how my day of writing went lmao
#i think I'm ready to edit chapter two though!#which means should have it this weekend#current wordcount is 31k#chapter two is 14k#i don't make the rules i just write until i'm dead#hellcheer trash
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TR English translation wishes it could be as fun as the French one
#c'est comme les guide books qui utilisent 'boloss' et tout..#sometimes french translation is okay#'j'fais des roues arrières dans le cul d'ta madre'... mikey why#edit: *BIG NEON SIGNS* i forgot to say - thats not the official french translation (which is a shame really bc its far superior-)#maybe i should reread this weekend.. it would fix me soooo much#reading it in french would be so funny again... but if i want to gather quotes i'd have to look up the english one... uhhhh#you know what that means! two tabs open at the same time#tokyo revengers#tr#tok rev#tokrev#french sanzu ily sm#sanzu haruchiyo#takemichi hanagaki#manjiro sano#mikey sano
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Just curious what the average level of personal investment in these sorts of things is. Like, how much do people usually get into silly stuff like this their friends ask of them? etc. etc. Which I know, only surveying a small sample on a very specific website means I'm not getting an exact average idea lol, but.. curious nonetheless .. Maybe reblog for bigger sample size but also this is not very serious at all/not worth a call to action gbhjbhjb
#which I know this could be context dependent like.. maybe you'd normally dress up but on a week that#you feel sick you wouldn't or etc. etc. - but I mean.. GENERALLY. in the most general average scenario#where you have the average amount of health and free time that you always do. etc. just based on your personality#and level of investment in these things - what on AVERAGE are you most inclined to do#also of course assume they communicate with you ahead of time and are not like planning a part last minute#like 'throw together costume in 5 hours and show up tonight randomly' or etc. I would hope that if we're going with the#AVERAGE of things - most people's friends have better communication skills than springing entire parties#on people last minute lol#assume you have like.. a few days-a week or so to prepare. however ealrly people usually start talking about#birthdays. In my experience it's usually one or two weeks ahead of time. Like 'oh next weekend' or 'oh two weeks from now' etc.#ANYWAY.. feeling a little Sick again of course but still trying to get some photos or something posted#AGAIN i promise I am not going to exlcusively post polls and ntohing else forever hgkjgnekj#I just really really love the ability to post polls and have always my whole life been obsessed with surveying people#I used to think I wanted to do that as a career somehow like.. be one of the people that does psychological interviews#or produce interview asessments for a company or etc. etc. I am always the one friend in the group thats giving out custom made#surveys or asking for other simialr stuff (did you ever take an mbti quiz? how about enneagra#m?? oh yeah I know they're not really scientifically valid or antyhing but like... DID you take them?? huh?? did you??please?? ghjj)#I simply cannot resist.. posting a little poll every once in a while.. as a treat#whilst I still fall behind on like actual content and costumes and stuff gbjhbjh#New poll adventure should be not as much of a wait as the last one was though since I already have the writing#for it really. I just have to do the ms paint sketch. hopefully no unexpected other health issues will get in the way#*** *** ***#< (anytime I do these three star patterns it is an ocd compulsion not me bleeping out words or something just ignore it lol)#(it means something secret in my evil brain just pretend you do not see it. significant only to me)#BUT YEAH.. ... poll... what type of costume party atendee are you?#:0c
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ah yes! the joys of executive dysfunction and something being Fundamentally Broken In Your Braincase!
#quick vent Look Away Nothing To See Here#i just needed to place my emotions somewhere before i really started to spiral#texts from cherished friends should not cause nausea-level anxiety! and yet!#here i am! running away from the ever-present miasma of guilt and stress!#you know a few months ago i was like 'im going to be better about responding im going to do better'#i Immediately started doing Worse!#i think i stressed myself out too much#pretty much every relationship i have ends up completely deteriorating due to my own insecurities and guilt and fucked up brain <3#ah yes and how could i forget the Commitment Issues and Emotional Block#mentally i am banging my head into a wall#but its fine Its Fine#i mean its not. its really not. but sometimes it seems like the harder i try the harder i fail#which is something i should be used to by now!#okay so it looks like i Am Indeed spiraling so#i am going to go... list some good things in this world and uhhh#well i dont have the car this weekend so cant go for a drive and some boba. um.#i need to organize my room table Yes that sounds distracting and falsely productive#not gonna tag this with anything actually.#love treating tumblr like my personal diary#ah yes its just me. my personal feelings. and the couple thousand people that follow me.#perhaps i will also buy something online with one of the gift cards i found the other day#buttons from michaels!!! i need buttons! i will go do that!#with the knowledge that i have unopened messages to respond to looming in the back of my mind like a noose! yippee yahoo!!!#gonna... turn of replies/rbs just this once since its just a Vent#i just needed to get it Out yk? not looking for anything other than relieving pressure on my brain#ok it looks like i cant turn of replies for individual posts#just... pretend you didnt see this for both our sakes <3#look away look away
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why did my teachers think it was okay to give us like one single weekend to finish all of our midterm projects and study for our tests.
#slight vent#i have 3 projects and 3 tests#i’m halfway through my lit/history project and halfway through my psych project#and maybe a quarter done with my programming project#which is fucking insane btw cause how tf am i supposed to code a whole video game in like 3 days on top of everything else 😭😭😭#and some things he hasn’t taught us and just thinks that we should just be able to figure out like HELLO???/?///#I DONT HAVE TIME TO TEACH MYSELF NEW CODE#ITS THE MIDTERM/FINAL FOR THE CLASS??????#and once the weekend starts i’ll have no one to trouble shoot my stuff and fix my bugs so literally i’ll be hopeless so 😭😭😭#my calc teacher JUST finished teaching us everything we need for the midterm TODAY. THE MIDTERM IS ON WEDNESDAY. BRO.#my physics teacher doesn’t let us copy down any of our idk test questions or take our old assessments home to study#*old#so we get to look em over for like 20 mins and hand em back. which doesn’t exact fucking help me when i’m studying for the midterm.#WITH NO STUDY GUIDE.#my teachers even said that this years midterms are worse than previous years cause they’re all in a row instead of split by a weekend#we’ve had 2 delayed openings and 1 early dismissal this week which means we have less time to work on our midterm projects in class 😭😭😭😭#i’m so overwhelmed i’m gonna explode#by the time i finish these projects i’m not gonna have anymore energy/time to study for my tests. WHICH IS THE HARD SHIT BTW.
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I have this super cute little striped black shirt that I hardly wear because it shows my tummy so I'm shy to wear it if I'm gonna be out in public. I don't want to be stared at or harassed
So I was thinking maybe I could layer a tank or cami under it
Then I thought
What if I layer a bright red cami under it
So people who would be bothered by my tummy would definitely notice the shirt riding up, but have no legitimate reason to bitch about it
Is that how I win
#idk i just wanna wear cute things without literally putting my safety at risk!#i've already been harassed and assaulted for daring to be fat in public#and once for having an undercut which apparently makes me a lesbian and that means i should be harassed#so i am afraid of what might happen if i let my tummy say hi to the big scary world#maybe i'll wear it this weekend. family is visiting. they have to be nice or i'll kick them out lol#mod post#fashion#just thinking out loud
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hey hey hey my brain is kinda spinning out on the whole "focusing" thing so I think I might draw some more things, if anyone has suggestions of things to draw? I might also consider making like mini plushie versions of people's OCs or fursonas or something. Or assemble a puzzle? Probably not that one I don't think I can sit still that long right now But like seriously if you have drawing/painting suggestions or would enjoy seeing a simplified version of your OC/fursona/other character of yours idk the catch-all term I will gladly take suggestions. Currently my to-draw list is just "a leaf of some kind". I make no guarantees I will make art of the specific thing you suggest but depending on the number of suggestions there's a pretty decent chance
#the person behind the yarn#I think this is probably related to how happy I was to have family visiting last weekend#and like today being the five days after moment where I realized if I am not sick now#I am probably not going to get sick from their visit#which is great! but also I am crashing a little!#it'll even out in time and in the mean time I will just make some weird art I think#maybe I'll look up rug braiding and start a second unrelated rug#maybe I'll go hit the punching bag for a bit#...probably not that one I have like two weeks until my iron infusion and should probably not do a bruise-heavy activity#until I have the right amount of blood again. would probably help#I went back and added the last paragraph to this post#and I think I want to make beanie babies#I think that's the enrichment my enclosure is lacking
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I have had more panic attacks in the last month than the rest of the year combined. I don’t know what’s going on but I do know that I’ll never be able to articulate anything well enough for my therapist each tuesday so I still feel alone in it
#fuck this !!!!!!#I was about to say idk why it’s happening so much but I guess I have ideas#like that horrible meltdown weekend following me so I get overstimulated easier lately#and it’s nearly the year anniversary of the car crash which supposedly means it’s harder for a while#I don’t believe in those anniversary things but I have felt them before so maybe I should lmao#I guess drinking for the first time in months wasn’t a good idea yesterday. but in the moment it was so whatever#I cried because the sunset was reflecting orange on the roof across the road but it felt like I couldn’t really *see* it and I got scared#lmao lol whatever lmao#p
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i just fucking hate having ptsd all of it. so many stupid fucking things send me into fucking hysterics it sucks and i hate it and i dont want itttt anymore i dont want it.
#i literally like. i didnt tell u guys bc it was embarassing#but i had to hype myself up to eat a fucking orange the other day. like i was shaking and crying and i nearly threw up.#bc it fucking reminded me of All that and also bc its one of the only foods i got to eat outside ofm my one meal a day#while i was living there. bc my coworker gave me oranges sometimes#and one time she gave me a whole bag of cuties which was wonderful of her i miss her#but i pretty much like. bc during m-f i had a meal at work#and i could get something from the vending machine if i needed to#but on the weekends i had to either order food (which would always make me insanely nauseous bc of. the money stuff. yk) or just eat#what i had in my room bc i couldnt use the kitchen bc the roommates would be mad at me#and they might kick me out and id be actually fucked. its so crazy looking back that i genuinely the entire time i fucking lived there even#b4 the breakup the entire time i was in terror that theyd evict me. bc i wouldnt have been able to do anything abt it#i mean thats why i didnt like. leave him after he . and stuff. both bc i thought i didnt deserve anything better and bc i was terrified#theyd evict me and i wouldnt have any way to get home. it was terrifying#but ya. so for a couple weeks i rationed myself One orange per day lol. and on weekends that was all i was able to eat rly#idk. i hate ptsd. basicalllyyyy is the gist of ittt. and i keep thinking abt random fucking things they did to me#me when they jokingly tell me to starve myself when i literally have a fucking eating disorder. and when i told The Only Person i knew in#that fucking house abt it he told me i was being dramatic and i was just being greedy and etc. and then later when i got off work today i#saw on their fucking whiteboard in the kitchen i wasnt supposed to use Eat more <3 as one of their goals. while i went to sit in the garage#for the weekend eating a single fucking orange a day. god#idk. ive gotten better with eating i still have the scale but i ws able to go months without using it until the medical call the other week#and i havent used it since but. everytime i think abt all that itmakes me want to go back to it. i cant tho everyone would notice#i do still eat a wholee lot less than i did b4 washington but idk. idont remember if i even ate today i probably should but i dont feel#hungry but i cant even fucking trust that bc i Starved myself for so fucking long im too good at ignoring hunger. and i never was super in#touch with my body but im constantly numb now. idk.#ed ment#a2t#i ws gonna say more but it ws tmi + tag limit anyway. its just insane that my fucking ed wouldnt have happened if it werent for him and it#graduated i wouldnt have been isolatedinever wouldve had an ed. like 50% of my ptsd would be Gone if i just hadnt joined that discord. lol
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finally downloading veilguard
just uuuh several hours to go 🙃
#all spoilers will be tagged!! not sure ill even pause to liveblog my thoughts so we might be good on that front!#im housesitting again this weekend and wont be able to come home during the day which means ill once more be in hell#but it should be more bearable bc by then i SHOULD have a more solid grasp on my rook and can actually think abt her. put her in situations#and such. where as now im beating back any thoughts of her with a stick bc i havent played the game yet#sirotras speaks
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microdosing on cannibalizing my own flesh by reading Richard Silken poems. and falling in love
#this post was brought to you by kaz. ty for the organposting kaz#cannibalism#the triangle of cannibalism#got to have a delightful car ride w#cosmic#and his mom this weekend where we talked about technology and volleyball and poetry#and i got to lose my mind about ''these our bodies possessed by light/tell me we'll never get used to it'' which still rips my guts out#and feeds them to me. to this day. every time i read those lines i become a little more unraveled. my god#richard you minx. i could hug you#richard siken#snowswords#oh yeah and the inherent destruction of building a partnership. its good destruction. you gotta figure out how to be part of a whole#that's life in general too. i think doing romance with people really puts a microscope on the process. at least for me.#like damn being with cosmic means i have less freedom to up and do whatever i want. i can still do almost anything i want but now it's#important to give him a heads up. or maybe he'd like to do this too i should wait for him. or there's something he'd like to do that#im invited along for!! i'll do the original thing i wanted to do another time so we can do this now#yknow? yeah. im destroying snow (singular) to create snow (member of duo). and that helps me remember ive never really been a singular enti#this is its own post isnt it. ok wait#Richard silken#sigh spelled his name wrong the first time my bad
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ykw actually I am angry + disappointed w them. I've been pushing how I feel aside and trying to make it my own fault so it's all contained but I think theyve just been mean. and they really should know me better ik I try to pretend I don't expect more from them so I feel less hurt when they do things that upset me but we've been friends for years by this point. like come on.
#just got home and went to put my shit away but my flatmate was in the kitchen and i got suddenly so mad i had to walk back out#not going to do or say anything while im this upset. i need to be a lot calmer before i can even be in the same room as her#like okay. so originally it was just the two of them getting drinks and theyd rather it was just them bc i dont drink. thats cool#it wouldve been difficult for me to join them after work bc travel. and ik theyd done this before just the 2 of them and had fun#i can fully respect that its why i said no and stuck by that decision when she asked again#but to not mention she was taking the day off work and btw i just found out that BOTH of our other old flatmates joined in too#to not mention that they were travelling that entire distance and that it wasnt just drinks it was a whole day out together#thats just mean. why wouldnt you tell me that why did none of them say anything.#and the fact they did the exact same fucking thing last weekend too i didnt know about that at all#like i need to stop trying to justify it. im allowed to feel unwanted and excluded bc thats exactly what theyre doing.#im tired of feeling like other people dont want me around. i know i can be difficult and annoying sometimes. but im really not that bad#and we're meant to be friends!!!!!! like youre supposed to like your friends. and want to spend time with them. or at least i do#and yeah everyones annoying sometimes thats just part of being alive ur supposed to tolerate it if ur friends#im allowed to want to feel like im wanted. im allowed to want ppl to care abt me. that shouldnt be too much to ask for#but the overwhelming message im getting at the moment is they dont want me around. and when i am around them i feel like they dont listen#to me and that they dont really care how i feel unless it directly involves them or theyre responsible for it#i feel like they dont see me as a real person that exists. only a version they have in their heads and they base all their assumptions and#decisions off that version instead of directly communicating with me. and constantly avoid me under the guise of 'giving me space'#when im upset or having a difficult time and most need support from other people. i just feel really unseen#and ik that part of how i feel IS exacerbated by insecurity and depression. like they do care to some degree#but also a lot of it is evidenced in the way they act towards me. mainly my roommate bc shes the person i interact with most#and personally i find the most direct ways of showing u care abt someone are showing up for them. and making them feel seen#and maybe not everyone feels the same way. but thats how it works for me anyway#so to repeatedly exclude me and avoid acknowledging that ive been having a difficult time is the opposite of that to me#which is the point im trying to arrive at... sorry ik ive probably said similar things repeatedly the last few weeks but i feel like its#crystallising a bit like this is the core reason why im so sensitive and reactive atm and why i got so upset by it#idk. not tonight bc im still very emotionally raw but maybe tomorrow if im calmer i should explain that i was upset + why to her#i avoid doing that so often when im upset bc i dont think theres much point in having a conversation abt it unless u expect some kind of#resolution from it. or if you want an apology but idrc abt being apologised to the crucial thing is what theyre going to do different#and i love her but shes very resistant to changing her behaviour bc of other ppl being upset by it. and like i said before she has
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brain is screaming and running around like a toddler this week bc of all the changes happening
If I can make it through the end of exams without crying it will be a miracle
#roommates are moving out#which means two sets of parents in the house moving furniture and all that this weekend#next weekend I should say#this weekend is when my roommate’s cat goes home for the last time#this is the last week I have with him and I will miss him dearly#classes are ending so my routine is majorly upended#and a lot of the furniture I’ll be needing for my house after my roommates are gone won’t be here the first week#bc I’m going home to my parents’ house to pick it up over Mother’s Day#which also means I need to buy/make a gift for my mom for Mother’s Day#maybe I’ll do that in autism club today idk#she likes spring decor maybe I’ll paint her some flowers from the photos I’ve taken#and then there’s all the homework I still have to do and all the exams I still have to study for#and I still have to carry on and do my weekly tasks like job and grocery shopping and laundry#like nothing is wrong#AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA#I am not built to handle change well!!!!!!!
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should i be going to the laundromat? yes. am i going to? probably not, no.
#i was SUPPOSED TO go on Sunday morning#but i didn't#and now I'm gonna run out of socks fjdjdj#but I'll be FIIIINE#i should have enough socks to make it to the weekend#which means i can go on Saturday morning#maybe Friday if i don't work#shh ac
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snow cancelling in-person work for today and tomorrow meant i got a BIG boost in getting ahead on my schoolwork, as well as some important things done for work work that wouldn’t have happened in the office today, which is great, and the weird thing is, i actually feel like everything is fine?? i feel secure????? even as i continue to fill my schedule with plans??????? because i know i can handle it????????????
a strange, but welcome feeling
#my bird walk for the national park is getting scheduled for realsies#which means that my last free weekend of the winter has now been fully demolished with a jackhammer#but it’s OKAY#i’m actually unironically fine with it#because i’ve got a handle on things…#i’m doing really good with school and work - even though there are a lot of challenging aspects to both rn#i’m staying ahead of the game#i’m leaving time for myself#i should have time to finish the book i’ve been reading this weekend#and i’m not miserable????#i’m like. seeing friends and happy and shit?????#thank GOD#fucking finally#now time to hop in the shower and become even happier
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aight im looking at my wip list rn (like actual work i have started so far)
#time to try to remember what each of these are lol#but welp im not gonna bother myself with these today we'll see tomorrow. try to get something done or whatever#i feel like im writing a lot and idk maybe im being a bit pushy at myself about it? but also i have six wips right now which. never happens#and i mean in a way where i intend to finish at least some of them so like#plus im enjoying it. while im pushing it it also doesnt feel forced in a way like i genuinely enjoy making this stuff#i just like to poll it a lot cause im indecisive most of the time and it gives me a better pov on what people might be interested in seeing#ofc im still first and foremost writing for myself but i mean it helps if people wanna actually read stuff lol#..also yes i will be getting to the requests again soon. just seeing few new characters i should tackle is kinda intimidating oof#tho i have ideas so. eventually. wont open new requests before those are done thats for sure#sorry about the wait im just like that lol#anyways heres a poll first for this weekend. maybe we'll do request work next weekend since im all free then hmmmm#night is an absolute mess on main
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