#which is why i have been less active this year

[cometconmain]

I have someone who comes to groom my dog because I physically can't keep up with it. He's extremely good at his job.

He also thinks Trump isn't all that bad a guy, the Democrats are the anti-human rights party, had no idea the Supreme Court was a thing/is controlled by Republicans and that's why so many human rights are being rolled back in America, refuses to actually use his privilege of having a preferential voting system to not have to vote for the two major shitty parties because he insists on believing nothing good has been done despite numerous proving points to the contrary in his own life let alone others' lives, thinks climate change is a hoax and can't wrap his head around why university studies need to be checked for a donor list and a fossil fuel company supported 'study' isn't reliable actually, hasn't even learned the most basic empathy concept of "you not suffering from a problem other people suffer from doesn't make that problem less important/you should care about people whose lives you don't experience", outright said with his full chest that maybe we should racially segregate the Olympics again actually, and a number of other toxic to downright rancid things I would have just written him off and slammed the door in his face for last year let alone a few years ago.

Don't get me wrong. Talking to him is fucking EXHAUSTING and I feel physically disgusting afterward having to just calmly listen to all these things he spouts which have historically resulted in entire groups of people being targeted for genocide and numerous other human rights abuses when left unchecked and allowed to fester at the societal level.

BUT HE LISTENS WHEN I CHALLENGE HIM.

I can see him actually seeing me as a human being worth listening to. He's older than me and definitely been down way too many right-wing rabbit holes for me to pull him onto the surface any time soon. But I'm giving him things to chew on and hopefully if we're lucky I've planted some seeds which will eventually grow into some semi decent human being plants one day. He's really ignorant and clearly under-educated and that itself isn't his fault and biting his head off isn't remotely going to make up for that gap and is only going to drive him further into the arms of whatever fucked up extremist conservative groups he's been listening to.

He is reachable. He's just also a very long project I only get to work on for an hour at a time every 6 weeks.

And some of the things I've said which I think were part of what got through to him involved showing empathy for him being a single father(? I may have mixed that up with someone else but I think he is) with a disabled kid. He shows empathy for disabled people because he's the father of one (and probably is neurodivergent himself I believe but unsupported and doing his best to give his son the support he didn't get from the sounds of it).

But yeah.

Listen: you don't have to take shit to the face if the person is solely malicious and trying to hurt you. No one is obligated to meet that with kindness and anyone saying otherwise can get fucked. There is a limit to how much bullshit someone can cop while the bullshitter acts like any emotional response to their bullshit is unreasonable/out of nowhere and that is valid on the part of the person copping the crap.

However, if you a) can handle coping long enough to break down those walls with unexpected kindness/it isn't dangerous for you to try that method (VERY IMPORTANT. PAY ATTENTION TO THOSE DETAILS. DON'T TRY THAT ON SOMEONE WHO IS ACTIVELY THREATENING/DANGEROUS TO YOU), or b) can tell it's soft bigotry/general ignorance driving the otherwise yuck things being said, do give the compassion and patient education route a try.

I've had numerous instances of me holding shitty ignorant beliefs I had no idea were actually harmful. The people biting my head off didn't get to me. The people who took the time to see I was just ignorant and under-educated on the matter (and hadn't yet developed the empathy for a group I didn't belong to) taking me aside and patiently dealing with my idiocy long enough to explain things to me in a way that got through my skull (and eventually into my heart as well) were the ones who fundamentally improved me as a person. I still have plenty of things I always have to work on. But I can tell you now I would be much MUCH worse without those patient, kind, educational interventions by people who could tell the difference between malice and ignorance.

The same applies to everyone else.

Human beings are human beings. All of us. Re-humanising each other is the last thing any of the politicians and extremist groups want us to do BECAUSE IT WORKS. IT BREAKS THE WARPED MODEL OF THE WORLD THEY PORTRAY AS REALITY TO DIVIDE US AND KEEP US ALL AT EACH OTHER'S THROATS INSTEAD OF CUTTING OFF THE FOOD SOURCE FOR THEIR WEEDS AT THE ROOT.

When we remind a hurting person that we are a person too, not the bogeyman the extremist groups paint us as, it shakes their warped worldview to the core. It makes them think. It makes them QUESTION. It makes them look at the flower the 'evil' Pride-pin wearer gave them because no one gave them flowers when their mother died and their hate begins to crack at the seams.

The things the world teaches men hurts men too. Teaching them they DON'T have to subscribe to that mentality all the way down to the roots of the patriarchy weed is the best and most effective way of cutting that mentality off at the source. Even if you struggle to empathise with men because you've been hurt; ok, valid. But it is demonstrably more effective, sustainable and long term changing to just get rid of all of it by addressing their pain and showing them how much healthier and happier they can be just in their own life let alone others' lives by casting off the system that hurts them too.

I'm pretty sure I'm just rehashing the same points here, sorry, but the concept of deradicalisation as a healing and long term change tool has been my social justice special interest this year so talking it out helps it solidify in my own head too. (And gives me strength to deal with bullshit because it reminds me it's worth copping what I can personally handle in order to get someone to think, change and grow, one exhausting person at a time).

part of the reason i love how bell hooks talks about masculinity is that she shows real compassion towards men suffering from the effects of toxic masculinity. she was conscious of how we need to unlearn the ways we talk about men + masculinity just as much as we need to unlearn the same for women + femininity. so many times ill see someone talking about toxic masculinity like (hyperbolizing here but only slightly) “these FUCKING STUPID BABY BITCHES won’t MAN UP and go to a therapist!!!” and like. i get the anger. but you see feminists recreating patriarchal manhood by only promoting good behaviors through patriarchal frameworks. any use of the term “real men” is bad because it reifies the idea that manhood is a special title you must earn, and it is something possible to fail and fake. & as important as it is to promote sexual equality + the pleasure of non-cis-men, lots of people are essentially still working with the idea that men need sexual prowess to have worth but just shifting it slightly so there is more emphasis on women’s pleasure. but I want cis men to think about their partners’ pleasure because they care about their partners, not because they need to check a box in order to keep their man card. and don’t get me started on small dick jokes– and the absolutely pitiful excuse people will use that “well, I don’t believe it, but misogynistic men get upset when I say it, so it’s okay!”

basically bell hooks is so fucking right. in order to create loving men we need to love men, simply for being alive, whether or not they are performing. as much as we need to actively unlearn misogyny (and we do), it’s equally vital we unlearn patriarchal ways of seeing manhood. we can’t just assume that taking a feminist perspective automatically means there is no work to be done there.

[sepdet]

Merry Shitscram, Tumblr!

(transcript below cut)

Guess what I borrowed from Mom's stacks while visiting?

I won't cap the whole thing, but at least I can provide you with some selected excerpts for the next week. Yes, this IS that edition.

Transcript below.

Chapter One

FOR THE THIRD consecutive night, Captain James T. Kirk awoke with a gasp of surprise and something akin to fear clinging to the side of his throat. He blinked once, then struggled to sit up, leaning against the head reted and his gaze settled on the chrom. Pet, y was shortly after 3 A.M., Ship Standard Time, but he was wide awake and knew he would have little hope of getting back to sleep before the alarm demanded his attention at six.

Releasing the breath he'd been holding, he replayed the recurring dream in his mind, wondering why it should have disturbed him so deeply... and so often.

After discovering no logical explanation for its cause or its unprecedented effect on him, he tried passing it off to the fact that the Enterprise had been on routine patrol of the Romulan Neutral Zone for nearly two months-an inexcusably boring mission. But with Romulan Fleet activity increased for no apparent rea-son, he accepted the fact that he was bound to be a little edgy.

After another deep breath and a shake of his tousled hair, he slowly lowered himself back into the warm nest of covers, and closed his eyes; but as expected,

1

he was only pretending to sleep when the First Shift duty alarm sound of less than three hours later.

stifling a yawn, Kirk entried the Deck 5 turbolift to discover the ship's first officer studying him with a lifted eyebrow.

"Moring, Spock," Kink said with a sheepish grin, wishing he'd taken the time for a cup of coffee before presenting himself publicly.

The Vulcan's head inclined in greeting, "Captain," he said formally. The doors closed and the lift began its familiar horizontal motion, but the Vulcan continued to study his friend. "Is everything all right, Captain?" he inquired presently.

"Just fine, Mister Spock," Kirk replied. "Why do you ask?" He wondered if his eyes were a trifle more red than they'd appeared in the mirror.

The eyebrow climbed higher beneath the long black bangs. "You seem... unusually distracted," Spock observed after a questioning moment of silence.

So much for dismissing the matter, Kirk thought. Spock's scrutiny was never escaped easily. "Would you believe me if I told you that the invincible Captain Kirk has insomnia?" he asked with a smile.

"Indeed," Spock murmured. Kirk was normally a very private individual; but now the hazel eyes seemed alight with a combination of embarrassment and mischief. The Vulcan decided not to mention that he himself had been having disturbing dreams for at least a week. "I trust you have not sought relief from Doctor McCoy?"

Kirk shook his head. "For a few hours of lost sleep?" But the twinkle left his eyes as a frown found its way to his face. "I don't know why it should bother me at all," he said, feeling some need to explain himself. "But ... never mind, Spock," he added as the nocturnal images returned to haunt him. "It was... just a dream." Trying to change the subject, the smile returned to his face. "Another human shortcoming, eh, Spock?"

2

Something in Kirk's too-casual tone caused the Vulcan to look at him more closely. "Would you care to discuss the matter in more detail, Captain?" he asked, momentarily wondering why he didn't dismiss the subject as Kirk was attempting to do. Yet he realized that the captain's normal reservations concerning his personal life did not extend to him, just as he understood that the reverse was also true.

Kirk glanced up from where he'd been studying his boots, and felt the familiar telepathic door swing open between himself and the Vulcan. It was something which had formed between them over the years, something which had saved their lives countless times and made them brothers. He did want to discuss it, but only with Spock.

McCoy would, as the Vulcan was fond of pointing out, dispense a handful of pills and an hour of friendly advice; and though Kirk valued the doctor's friendship, he wasn't in the mood for a full battery of psychological tests to determine the cause of a simple recurring dream. He chanced a quick look at the Vulcan as a plan of action took shape in his mind.

"I haven't had breakfast yet," he began, finding an excuse he needed. "But... I'm sure you have, Mister Spock. After all," he continued with a broadening grin, "Vulcans never ever miss breakfast, right? You have to keep those thought-wheels well oiled and in perfect working order." He studied his first officer's lean frame. "And you never gain an ounce either!" he added with a look of mock-disgust, remembering Mc-Coy's warnings to cut back on the meat and potatoes and settle for a salad once in awhile.

The Vulcan brow lowered as Spock observed his captain's nonchalant approach. "I have not eaten this morning," he stated in straightforward contrast to Kirk's roundabout endeavors, "and I would be pleased to join you." His eyes seemed to lighten as he studied the casual way Kirk was holding in his stomach. "And we need not inform Doctor McCoy as to the menu."

3

[ajmasch]

@here4hualian kissmas day 23: kissing under...

Unfortunately, there was too much to do once Hua Cheng returned from his year-long absence for him and Xie Lian to celebrate the way they wanted. The heavenly capital had to be completely rebuilt and restructured, not to mention the increased ghost activity with the recent opening of Mount Tonglu and release of several prisoners by Jun Wu. Perhaps some of it could have been mitigated through the intervention of a supreme, but with Hua Cheng and Yin Yu both gone, control of Ghost City was relying almost entirely on He Xuan for a year, and he was barely managing that, much less helping to control ghosts elsewhere.

So, Xie Lian and Hua Cheng ended up being too busy to really focus on themselves and their relationship at first. Which is why, once things had settled down enough, they decided to take some time to themselves. Xie Lian left heaven to the newly established council, Hua Cheng left Ghost City to the recently reinstated Waning Moon Officer, and they went to travel, giving instructions that they were only to be contacted in the case of a serious emergency.

They had both been to so many places in their lives, but had mostly been alone. Now, they shared the experience with another. They traveled the mortal way, walking or occasionally catching rides on passing carts, and they talked. They shared memories, both happy and sad, eager to learn everything about the time they had spent apart.

Then, one day, they were walking through a forest when it started to rain. Hua Cheng immediately pulled out his umbrella, stepping close to Xie Lian to shelter him from the storm. Their hands instinctively reached for each other once they were close, red strings resting against each other as their fingers intertwined.

Xie Lian laughed once he noticed their position. “It’s just like the night we re-met!”

Hua Cheng grinned at him. “Not quite.” He glanced at Xie Lian’s outfit to emphasize his meaning. “Gege made a beautiful bride.”

“San Lang made a handsome bridegroom, come to steal me away,” Xie Lian replied.

“Oh?” Hua Cheng leaned in. “Was Gege admiring this one?”

“Hm, maybe a little,” Xie Lian admitted, leaning in as well to nudge Hua Cheng with his shoulder. “San Lang was so powerful, so composed–”

Hua Cheng snorted. “Composed? Gege, I was losing my mind. To have finally found you after all those years and you were wearing bridal robes? It was like every wild fantasy was coming true at once! Honestly, it’s lucky Gege tried to capture me when he did, or I would have done something absolutely ridiculous like propose on the spot…”

“Really.” Xie Lian suddenly wrapped his arms around Hua Cheng and lifted him over a puddle in the road. He set him down on the other side, but remained face to face, relishing in the stunned expression caused by the sudden display of strength. Now that Hua Cheng was caught off guard, he continued, “Would San Lang have passed that one off as a joke as well?”

“Ge–” Hua Cheng’s voice came out as a squeak. He cleared his throat and tried again. “Gege…”

Xie Lian kept going. “You know, if San Lang had waited a little bit longer then, I would have said yes.”

“You–” Hua Cheng swallowed. “You would?”

Xie Lian nodded. “Ever since you walked back into my life, you’ve made it so easy to be happy. Even on the rainiest days,” he gestured to their surroundings, “when I’m with you, none of it can touch me. No matter the state of me or the state of you, you’ve stayed by my side and given me your everything. I want to do the same for you. Hong’er, Wuming, Hua Cheng, San Lang… I want to be your husband. I want to spend the rest of eternity with you, so, will you marry me?”

Hua Cheng was speechless. Tears had begun to fall down his face halfway through Xie Lian’s speech, and it was only the need to keep holding the umbrella above his head that was keeping him from shaking and falling to his knees. Overcome with emotion, he couldn’t do anything except surge forward and pull Xie Lian into a needy, desperate kiss. Everything he couldn’t put into words, every intense feeling, he pushed them into his beloved’s lips.

The kiss could have lasted for hours as long as either of them was aware, lost to each other in the protective bubble of the umbrella. When they finally broke apart, they were both breathless and smiling widely.

“So? Is that a yes?” Xie Lian asked.

“Gege. My prince, my god, my beloved. Xie Lian. Yes, of course I’ll marry you.”

The rain slowly came to a stop. The clouds parted, and the sun began to shine, but the couple under the umbrella didn’t notice. Rain or sun, it didn’t matter. As long as they were together, it was perfect.

[pinkaditty]

Holidays with Ghouls (Sho Haizono x Reader; Tokyo Debunker)

please read:

okay. big news + life update: i got into a major car accident a little while ago. my first one ever! i am in a lot of pain so things may be slow-going for a while and ill be unable to commit as much time to writing due to the tangled mess that is dealing with modern insurance companies and recovering from my injuries. thankfully its not so bad to be hospitalized, but its bad enough to limit my activity for the time being. i am somewhat ashamed to ask, but if you like my writing, please consider donating to my cashapp: $cindyfromstarbucks! my car was 100% totaled, and im gonna need to save up for a new one, and my job doesn’t pay very much. thank you for your consideration! please enjoy, regardless! (this paragraph will be on my posts indefinitely, probably until i fully recover)

a/n: LET ME START THIS OFF BY SAYING IT’S ENTIRELY SELF-INDULGENT… i have a green thumb and i’ve been growing a small garden lately (limited space. i hate captialism.) and i just thought “hm. what if we grew fresh ingredients for sho’s food truck?” and the idea stuck and didn’t leave no matter how much i tried 2 shake it off. mc is basically written as me im not gonna hold y’all, but i kept it 2 a minimum so it could still be an ‘x reader’. 

summary: self-indulgent reader x sho. in which you do something nice for him and he struggles to return the favor. 

no cw! enjoy!

big fan of the “woman that is so wound up all the time and extremely professional and tries to keep everyone at arm’s length distance” x “guy that is only a few years younger than the woman but loves calling her by age-appropriate honorifics (i.e. noona, ojou, jiejie, madame, etc) and goes out of his way to teach her how to fucking relax every once in a while” trope and essentially if i were with sho that is how the relationship would go LMFAOOOOOOO

You used to have a bit of a garden before becoming a student at Darkwick. A part of you often wondered if there were people tending to your garden now so you could return to it, well kept and exactly as you remember it, when you were cured of this curse and got this anomalous ring off of you. You'd never really had the idea to plant anything here; you were much too focused on missions and other incessant errands the ghouls saw fit to send you on. You didn't like it, but held your tongue regardless. If all went well, you wouldn't have to deal with this after less than a year. 

You were fond of a few ghouls, though. Some of them were a nice reprieve from the other harsher and more selfish ghouls. Haku was a great example of that, and so was Subaru, his dorm's captain. You'd grown fond on the Jabberwock ghouls, as they were always kind and polite. You didn't really mind the Obscuary ghouls, either. Even if odd, they were good natured, and never turned you away. You appreciated that Rui had a bit of a green thumb too, and would often stop by to assist him with plant care. 

The one ghoul you were the most fond of, despite his less than agreeable best friend, was Haizono, or Sho, as he insisted on being called. Sho, despite his friend Leo, was actually pretty friendly. You enjoyed the time you spent around him, whether that was collecting supplies from the diner, or training with him, or even helping him meal prep for the following day for his food truck. It was fun, spending time with Sho. You're almost angry the idea didn't dawn on you sooner.

Said idea is why you carefully sift through the dirt in your compost container, careful not to split any of the worms with your nails. The potatoes should be done growing by now. The idea had dawned on you one day when Sho mentioned not having enough potatoes to serve fries the following day. Potatoes were an easy crop. And they took three months, at most, to grow. Sure, if worse came to worst, you'd die, but growing potatoes was a good distraction and encouraged you to plan for the future, as though you wouldn't die. After a few favors from Benji and some begging towards the chancellor, you had a small garden behind the chapel. Granted, you'd just started it three months ago, so it wasn't as full as your garden back home, but it was good enough. It was hidden from the rest of campus by the surrounding trees, ensuring no one would find the garden unless they had reason to cut around the chapel, which wasn't necessary considering the path out front. Not only did it serve as your little place of respite, it allowed you to do nice things for others. You were just growing potatoes for now, but it felt like enough of a starter, at least. You’d just planted some tomato seeds that you’d hoped Sho would also find a use for. 

Once done harvesting a substantial batch of potatoes, you wrap them up in plastic bags to look like you bought them. It would save you the embarrassment of having to explain that you’d grown them yourself. 

It’s pleasantly chilly outside, the still afternoon air heavy with promises of cold weather and a white winter holiday. Dirt remained underneath your fingernails from all that harvesting, but it was a small price to pay. Your heart pounded with anticipation and exertion as you made the trek to Vagastrom, heading for the nearby food truck. As expected, you find Sho sitting on one of his supply boxes, far underdressed for the cold weather. You can’t tell if he’s resistant to it or rebelling against it, but you can tell he’s cold. His cheeks and nose are tinged red and his eyes are squinted against the cold wind. You can even tell he’s sniffling with how often he inhales. You exhale both fondly and exasperatedly. The stubbornness of these ghouls was simultaneously attractive and irritating. 

You make it no secret you’re approaching, the bag of potatoes crinkling with your upbeat steps and your own runny nose sniffling in response to the cold wind. You place the bag of potatoes beside him with a heavy ‘thud’, to which he finally looks up, appearing jolted out of his thoughts. 

“Here,” you start, taking your scarf from around your neck and tying it around his without waiting for a reaction. “You must be an idiot to sit out in the cold with just your uniform on.”

“Senpai.” He greets you with wide eyes, watching but not protesting as you tie your scarf around his neck. He appears confused at first, his lips pursing at your actions, but seems to relent as he buries his face into the scarf. You watch as he settles into it, his eyes sliding shut against the cold wind, his nose and lips finding warm solace in the comfort of your scarf. Before long, he pulls it away, revealing himself back to the chilly air with a slight wince. “...No need. Thank you, though.” He glances up at you with a smile before rising to his feet and dusting off his knees. “Whatcha got here?” He gestures to the plastic bag before picking it up, far more effortlessly than you, and inspecting it. 

“Potatoes.” Your breath puffs out in a white cloud. “They’re for your food truck. I remembered you mentioned you were running low, so… I decided to help and buy you some.” At some point, you’d shifted your attention to the ground, toeing at a rock as you realized how ridiculous that sounded. Surely Sho could handle himself. He might even find your help embarrassing, when you really think about it. 

You sneak a glance at him and are relieved to see a small smile on his face as he observes the potatoes. He huffs out a light breath, his face visibly softening. “You didn’t have to do that.” He slings the bag over his shoulder, using his other hand to ruffle your hair and return the scarf. “Come on,” he turns around, headed for the door of the food truck. “You can help me prep.”

‘That’s only helpful if you’ll have any customers in this cold,’ you think to yourself, but decide not to say aloud. Instead, you watch the slow smile on his face as he nods towards you, and continues towards the truck. Crazy, how a simple glance of his could make your heart race. Something about the warmth of his smile, the feel of his fingers carding through your hair, and the leftover scent of his cologne lingering on your scarf tugged at your heart, just a little bit. 

You briskly follow after him, throwing the scarf back over his neck. “Keep it,” you say sternly, watching as he turns to you quizzically. “Have you seen the state of yourself in this cold?” The phrase ‘I want you to have it,’ lingers on your tongue, but you decide not to voice that, instead letting a small amused smile rest on your face. You vaguely gesture to him, your gaze flicking to his red cheeks and nose. He rolls his eyes, noting your point, and keeps the scarf around his neck, opening the side door to his food truck.

“Alright, fine. I’ll wash it and return it.”

As he steps inside the food truck, even from standing behind him you feel a wave of warmth. You follow, stepping inside, feeling the sweet relief of pleasant warm air and smelling the scent of roast chicken. The environment is warm and cozy, wrapping around you like a cushy blanket or a hug from a loved one. Sho closes the door behind you and you note your scarf is still around his neck. Something clicks.

“Wait a minute. You won’t need that.” You point to his scarf, your nose crinkling in mock displeasure. He instinctively flinches away, looking at you with a raised brow. He was seemingly already protective of your scarf, even though he’d only just received it. “Hand it over.”

“That’s hardly fair.” A crooked smile forms on Sho’s face and his brow raises higher. “Why do you assume I won’t need it?”

Indignantly, you gesture to the warm space surrounding you. Sizzling meat, a warm oven, and heaters in a corner, adjusting the temperature of the truck. “Vagastrom is literally right next to here. What do you need that for?”

He doesn’t answer directly, instead tilting his head at you. “I seem to remember a certain someone insisting I keep this scarf. Are you going to go back on your word?”

You clamp your mouth shut, remembering what you’d said and did earlier. He was right, you had insisted, even if only a little. You huff out a frustrated breath, crossing your arms and furrowing your brows. He laughs at your display, pulling the scarf off of him and tossing it on a high shelf of boxes you couldn’t reach. “Like I said, I’ll wash it and return it.”

You decide to swallow this loss. You had other scarves at the chapel anyway, and if he was going to use it, at least it wasn’t going to waste. 

You look around the space again before taking off your coat and hanging it on one of the hooks on the door. “Any plans for winter break? Will you be going anywhere?” 

“Nah.” Sho shook his head, checking on the chicken in the small oven before continuing to stir fry a vegetable medley on the stove, jutting his shoulder out towards the cutting board, covered in various vegetables. You wash your hands before heading over, carefully scraping at the dirt built up under your fingernails from digging. “Unless my… brother… goes, I’m not going. He’ll beat my ass if I don’t and he does.” A look of displeasure crosses Sho’s face, and you have to hold back a laugh at the thought of Professor Hyde chastising Sho for not seeing his family over break. 

You head over to the vegetables laid out on the cutting board, and start with the garlic, peeling it out of its husk. “Sounds like a struggle.”

He scoffs, pouring soy sauce over the vegetables and tossing them before scraping them off on a nearby to-go container. “Holidays are always a struggle with pushy family.” Despite his outward scowl, amusement lights up his eyes for a moment. 

You chuckle, having finished chopping up the garlic and moving to a green bell pepper. You slice it open, its seeds spilling onto the cutting board. “Your family’s pushy?”

“Yes, too pushy sometimes.” Sho shakes his head, shooing you to the side as he grabs potholders to pull the chicken out of the oven. “My brother’s more like my parents than I am.” He carefully places the roast chicken down on a short counter. It’s golden brown, stuffed with rosemary sprigs, lemon slices, and garlic cloves. 

He places it to the side, readying the frying pain and reaching for the peppers you’d chopped, tossing them into the oil. You finish a pepper and reach for a leek next, slicing it into thick chunks. Your eyes flicker back over to the chicken momentarily, rosemary stems sticking out of it like a tail. “The rosemary stems look like a chicken tail.” You voice the thought absentmindedly, smiling to yourself. 

Out of the corner of your eye, you see Sho glance over at the chicken himself. You hear a huffed laugh as he returns his attention to the peppers, sizzling in the oil. “Yeah, it does.” He’s silent for a moment before speaking up again. “Speaking of, it was hard to find fresh rosemary this time around.”

You look up, having finished cutting the leek. A confused expression crosses your face. “Where in the world would you find fresh rosemary in the dead of winter?” You look away, reaching for a carrot, slicing it thinly.

“Rosemary’s an evergreen,” Sho states flatly, reaching for the leek and garlic you cut earlier, mixing it in with the batch of peppers on the stove and stirring them. “You can find that fresh anytime. What’s harder to find, however…” Sho trails off, leaving the stove for a split second, reaching for the bag of your potatoes he’d placed on the ground earlier. He opens the bag and pulls one out, some dirt still stuck in the indents of its skin. “...Is fresh potatoes. They’re typically harvested in the fall.” He smiles at you, before turning away to rinse it off.

Realizing you’d been caught in a lie, you turn away from him, putting all of your focus on the carrot in front of you. You hear his footsteps slowly approaching before he places a freshly washed potato right in front of you, his hand shaking with mirth. 

“Come on, MC. Don’t think I didn’t notice the dirt under your fingernails.” He chuckles before turning back to the stove, stirring the vegetables again. You drop the knife with a clatter and hide your hands behind your back, too nervous to check if you’d missed any spots. 

You sneak a glance up at him, mistakenly making eye contact with him. His eyes gleam with amusement and his smile is soft and fond. “...It can’t have been that obvious.” You decide to admit to it, realizing the heat in your cheeks probably gave it away. 

“It wasn’t.” Sho nods to you, pouring soy sauce over the stir-fried mixture and tossing it before scraping that off in a different to-go container. “I just happened to notice the dirt when you handed the scarf to me, and your potatoes smelled extra earthy.” He takes the pan off the heat, moving over to the chicken and carefully cutting out the breast. 

It’s silent for a few moments, you staring at that freshly cleaned potato and Sho slicing through the chicken, placing the breast in one to-go container and the wings in the other. Sho finally speaks up, though his voice is low. “...You didn’t have to do that, you know.” You look up again, just to find him turned away from you, his ears turning red. Silence falls again as you watch him check off the to-go containers he’s finished. You assume he’s trying to distract himself from the obvious blush on his face, but you can’t say for sure. Something about it makes you feel similar, your heart rate picking up and your face reddening more. It wasn’t due to your embarrassment anymore. “I dunno, I’m bad at thanking people. Just, well…” Sho trails off, rubbing a hand on the back of his neck, hiding his face from you. His voice lowers significantly, and contrastingly, the blush on his ears brightens more. “Thank you. I know potatoes take a while to grow. And…” He trails off again and swallows thickly. You don’t bother asking him to finish his sentence. The implications of his words grow somewhat heavy in your heart, and you wring your fingers nervously. Of course it was profound, growing potatoes for someone when you’re doomed to die, now in nine months. The thought of dedicating your time to anything that wasn’t curing your curse was odd, but this distraction had done you well nonetheless. You didn’t want Sho to feel bad about it at all. You were certain that, if anything, the gravity of being recognized by a girl doomed to die was dawning on him. 

The words spill out before you can really stop them. “Don’t worry about it, Sho. I did that because I wanted to.” Confessing this was almost as raw as confessing your feelings, and your chest tightens at that thought, but you continue despite that. “You’ve been kind to me since after our first mission. And I’ve enjoyed spending time with you, including things as mundane as meal prep!” You gesture vaguely to the setting before you, hoping to get your point across. “I just randomly had the idea, and figured it couldn’t be so bad to act on it. It’s been a good distraction anyway, and what with all that happens here, a distraction does me some good.” Silence falls once more, and Sho finally turns to look at you, face flushed. He wipes his palms on his apron and worries his lip between his teeth, his gaze flickering between you and the floor. “...So what if I used up three months to grow potatoes? The time will pass anyways.” You turn away from him, looking at the washed potato. You reach for it and pick up the knife, beginning to cut it into cube chunks. 

“...I guess you’re right.” You can hear a gentle smile in Sho’s voice, and it warms you up internally, feeling thankful he’s accepted the gift. You glance towards him, giving him a smile, and catch him staring. There’s an odd glimpse of admiration in his eyes, which makes your cheeks warm.

“Go on and finish cutting the chicken.” You wave off his stare and jerk your gaze away from him, hiding your blush and focusing on the cubed potato. 

He scoffs and turns away, picking up his knife. “Giving me orders in my own kitchen, huh?” 

You don’t respond. You don’t need to. The warmth of the heaters settles into your skin and the warmth of the previous pleasant conversation settles into your heart. You glance down at the bag of potatoes that started it all. The eyes of the potatoes seem to stare up at you knowingly.

You’re carrying a short stack of to-go containers outside to Sho’s bike, Bonnie, your boots crunching the frosty path beneath you. Snow would surely be coming soon. You gently place the stack in the box on the back of Bonnie, careful to make sure none of them tip over. You hear more crunching footsteps and turn around to see Sho, carrying the rest of the boxes. He places them in the box as well and organizes them before securing the box with a few straps. He steps back and exhales, smiling to himself. You can’t help but smile at his pride.

“Now, to deliver these…” Sho approaches Bonnie and gets on, patting her twice affectionately. The gentle thrum of the engine comes to life in response. He looks to you and smiles, and you notice he’s wearing your scarf. “Sure you don’t want a ride back to the chapel?”

You eye the box of food already on the back of Bonnie and shake your head. You wouldn’t test fate today. Your eyes find your scarf again, sitting snugly around Sho’s neck. “Well, at least you have a use for it.” You say, resigned. Part of you wonders if you’ll ever get it back. 

Sho smiles, reaching up to touch the scarf. “Again, I’ll wash and return it.” He looks up to the sky, and you follow suit, noting the pale white blanket of clouds blocking the sun. “That said…” He starts, lowering his gaze to you again. “It is cold out. I may need this for longer than I expected.” There’s a teasing lilt to his voice and his smile turns crooked, as though suppressing a smirk. 

“...I’m not getting that back, am I?”

Sho shrugs, revving up Bonnie. “Who knows?” He smiles fondly at you one last time before speeding off, the wheels of Bonnie leaving tire tracks on the frosty path. You watch him as he leaves, his hair lifting in the wind, the tendrils of your scarf billowing behind him. You watch until he turns a corner and you can only faintly hear the rumbling of Bonnie’s engine. ‘I guess he really did have customers, even in this cold…’ You think to yourself, a faint smile growing on your face. You inhale the crisp cool air, feeling a bit cooler around your neck now that you’re missing a scarf. You idly look back up at the sky again, wondering if it really would snow today. Despite you enjoying the stillness of the winter air on Darkwick campus, the cold eventually bites at you, urging you to return to the chapel. Your footsteps crunch along the frosted path, following Bonnie’s tracks.

It’s Christmas evening, and things are finally winding down for the day. You’d been to Frostheim and made snow angels with Luca and Kaito, had coffee and played chess with Tohma, and Jin, despite himself, hadn’t asked you to run any errands for him today. You’d been to Vagastrom and exchanged gifts with Alan, tolerated Leo’s selfies with you, and looked around for Sho, but hadn’t found him. You’d been to Jabberwock and fed the animals with Haru, watched a romance movie with Towa, and played a holiday-themed horror game with Ren. You’d been to Sinostra and done some gambling with Taiga while Ritsu tagged along to ensure Sinostra’s reputation wasn’t damaged further, and had a surprisingly pleasant conversation with Romeo despite him saying your large coat made you resemble a slug. You’d been to Hotarubi and had tea and holiday sweets with Haku, Subaru, Zenji, and Lyca, who was visiting Subaru. You’d been to Obscuary and had Rui’s new holiday-themed drinks with Ed, chattering time away at the bar. You’d been to Mortkranken and reluctantly exchanged gifts with Yuri, aware of the fit he’d throw if you hadn’t gotten him anything, and pleasantly exchanged gifts with Jiro, reminding him to take good care of himself. 

Finally, after a very long, exhausting, and eventful day, you were back at the chapel, counting the vines growing under your skin, glowing lavender like the flower on the back of your neck. Some small flowers broke your skin and bloomed here and there, leaving the exit wounds somewhat inflamed. Granted, you didn’t have much time left, and these vines made that clear, but this holiday had been much better than you’d expected it to be. You appreciated the effort most of the ghouls put forth to make this holiday at least somewhat enjoyable for you, especially considering it may be your last. 

You sit by the fireplace in your room, watching the snow fall from the sky through your window. You had a tiny pine tree near your bed, decorated with handmade tinsel from the three Hotarubi ghouls and some small ornaments from Jin. You wore new pajamas from Romeo, though you weren’t sure how in the world he knew your size. You had a new bracelet from Taiga, who had originally forgotten who he’d gotten it for. On your nightstand lay a dreidel from Kaito and a snow globe from Luca. The hot chocolate you sipped on was a gift from Tohma, and some wine awaited you in your fridge, a gift from the Obscuary ghouls. You had a few new ugly holiday sweaters from various ghouls, Yuri and Ren included, and some not-so-ugly ones, thanks to Haru and Towa. A thick, heavy book about the origins of the laws of Japan sat on a nearby table, a gift from Ritsu that you had no plans to read. You had lit a scented candle from Leo, which you thought was surprisingly thoughtful, and had set aside the wax melts from Alan, planning to use them after the candle ran out. The new watch from Jiro was wrapped around your wrist, displaying the increasingly late time. In all of this, you wondered where your gift from Sho was. You hadn’t been able to spot him today, and the thought made you feel a little down. You’d wanted to spend some time with him today, but guessed he was probably too busy preparing Christmas dinner for all of Vagastrom and Hotarubi that he simply hadn’t had the time. You set your hot chocolate down on top of the accursed thick book and sprawl out in your chair, turning to the window again. Regardless, this had been a surprisingly wonderful holiday. The ghouls had given you gifts and willingly spent time with you, doing various fun activities and filling you with holiday cheer. It was a nice escape from the reality of your situation, even if it was only for a little while. 

You check the vines under your skin again, resisting the urge to scratch at where a new white flower had bloomed near your elbow. You could feel that, soon after the holiday season mellowed down, it would be back to reality, and you’d have to face your own death once again. Part of you dreaded the eventual change in weather and in the length of days, knowing your predicted end was growing near. But a part of you was also resigned to it. Regardless of whether you were due to die soon or not, this had been a nice holiday. And you could stand to live in the now, just this once. 

You carefully pluck the flower from your skin, wincing at the sharp pain. You bleed for only a few moments before it clots up. At least you could stave off the growth of the curse for now. 

You hear a gentle knock at your door. Physically, you’re too exhausted to have much more fun at this point, but mentally, you could use a pick-me-up. You head down your stairs towards the door, opening it crack by crack, trying to prevent too much of the cold wind from slipping inside. You peer through the open doorway, jolting in surprise when a familiar pair of dark blue eyes meet yours. 

“Hey,” Sho starts, lifting two boxes in his hands. “Thought you could use a warm holiday dinner.”

Your heart swells and all at once, a wave of emotion hits you. Sure, you didn’t have much time left, but that didn’t stop these ghouls from caring, and that was evident in the gifts piled up in your room, the fun you’d had all throughout the day, and the ghoul now standing at your doorstep, seeking more time with you. There was a reason he was your favorite. 

You swing the door open wider, unable to hide the smile that breaks across your face all at once. “I was looking for you, you know.” You cross your arms and narrow your eyes in mock disappointment. “Where’ve you been all day?”

“Cooking.” Sho lifts a brow and shrugs, tilting his head at you. He smiles fondly at you, and you notice he’s finally dressed appropriately for the season; a hat covering most of his hair, a matching coat and gloves keeping him warm, and your scarf, tucked snugly against his neck inside his coat. Yet again, you realize you are probably never getting that scarf back. 

“That scarf is still mine.” You gesture at his scarf, and he laughs, reaching up to brush the built up snow off of it. 

“And I’m still using it.” He replies, smiling wider. “So… Gonna let me in or what? It’s cold out here.” His breath puffs into white clouds, and you notice his cheeks and nose are tinged red again thanks to the cold. You smile and step aside, letting him in. 

You close the door behind him and he shakes off the snow built up on his coat. When he looks at you, his smile holds the warmth of a thousand candles and his voice holds the joy of a thousand holiday carols. “So… got any mistletoe? If not, we can start with gifts. Either works for me.” A blush covers his face as he pushes the boxes towards you, his smile growing wider and fonder.

You figure, regardless of how much time you have left, it wouldn’t hurt to spend a holiday with your favorite ghoul.

Bonus:

The gift, wrapped surprisingly delicately inside one of the boxes, is a knitted scarf in your favorite colors. It’s not bad, but you can tell it was done by a beginner. Holding it in your hands, a small smile grows on your face, and you sigh, totally resigned. 

By god, you are never getting that scarf back. 

“Well, thank you for your collateral replacement, but I expect that scarf back one day.”

Sho shakes his head, smiling as he chews on your shared meal, packed in the other box he was carrying. “No can do. It’s still cold and I still need a scarf.”

“I’m withholding the mistletoe, then.”

Sho huffs, rolling his eyes and continuing the meal. At his lack of a reaction, you purse your lips, thinking of another thing to withhold that might gift you a victory. Sho speaks, having swallowed his mouthful, “I can find other reasons to kiss you-”

“I’m withholding the potatoes.”

Sho looks at you in shock, dropping his forkful back onto his plate. “...I’ll think about it.”

Maybe you would get that scarf back, after all.

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a/n: it's done. finally it is done. finally! i've been writing this romance fic 4 a long while so im glad it is finally done

thank you all so much for reading!! as usual, i love likes, but especially comments, reblogs, and asks detailing how much you enjoyed my work!!! please feel free 2 fill up my inbox with whatever, i love talking 2 u all! but be warned my responses will be slow... im still recovering!

happy holidays 2 you all! i hope, whether you're surrounded by family, friends, or by yourself, that it's a wonderful and fulfilling holiday season 4 u. merry christmas 2 those who celebrate, and happy kwanzaa 2 those who celebrate that as well!! not very well versed in other winter holidays, but may they be joyous and merry!

[systems-overloaded]

ill make a seperate post with the non-professional advice i give anyone with mental illness (active or history of) that is seeing a physical medical doctor. because this post ended up pretty long.

~

this is about some of our experiences of mental health issue affecting physical health care. as well as our physical health conditions affecting/interacting with our mental health conditions.

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forewarning, it is a very long read. i tried to condense it, but i struggle to do that.

--

ooph, this shit is so true. although i do think there's a good amount of truth in neurosciences, i just think there are alot of /neurologists/ specifically that are shams, or at least extremely biased and prejudiced about alot of things. neurologists also seem to have the biggest ego of all specialists drs ive seen.

~

i have a couple genetic disorders, which like i have the clinical profiles for and also have genetic tests that match. but only after alot of years of progressively getting worse and going to so many doctors to try to find out why. i actually had to do a bunch of research when i could, even analysed my raw dna data from an ancestry test, found a specialist in the suspected disorders, and got a very clear clincal diagnosis, then got official WGS testing to further confirm that.

so my self-diagnosis was right for a good couple of my disorders actually, but most were diagnosed by others after the other diagnoses were confirmed.

(like evidence of one phsyical disorder made other drs start to take my other symptoms seriously thankfully, bc now it was less likely to be mental illness/conversion symptoms in their eyes.)

but one of the /very first diagnosis/ that a neurologist tried to give me was Functional Neurological Disorder (which i do think is understood to be a bit different now than conversion syndrome, but to most drs it meant the same thing back then. even now, alot of doctors use FND and conversion disorder interchangeably, they think FND is just conversion disorder but "rebranded" so there's less pushback about a diagnosis, which isnt true.)

but FND is a diagnosis of exclusion. thank fuck my moms knowledgeable about stuff and said "no, you cannot diagnose my child that from one conversation and zero tests except routine labs, thats only by exclusion. you have done no tests to investigate their symptoms." so it never was an offical dx, but it was in the doctors notes still, which follow me to other doctors unfortunately.

it should never be the first thing a neurologist diagnoses or suggests to someone. he probably tried to for me because i was on medicine for anxiety depression and OCD, and was having alot of neurological symptoms.

(he also tried to say all my decline, daily headaches and constant migraines id developed after a TBI was just "post concussion syndrome" and "stress", but it was still going on 4+ years at that point. we had no idea PCS is not supposed to last that long, and trusted him about that at least. but when i had to switch drs, my new neurologist was actually /appalled/ the previous one didnt do further tests, or even get an updated MRI. he honestly seemed in disbelief that the old dr was trying to tell us it was "totally normal" to still be so affected after so long, let alone be having a decline as well.)

id literally had to stop my OCD meds very abruptly and have awful withdraws because he (the old negligent neurolgist) refused to do any further testing until i stopped that medicine (without consulting a psychiatrist even, he just said i had to stop it. such such dangerous and reckless doctor advice/order).

i was progressively declining and having alot of seizures and different dangerous medical events. so i stopped it and suffered bad withdraws ontop of everything else that was happening, went back to him, just for him to say it mustve been stress still, i was "stressed".

-

"its stress" is a dr code phrase for "i dont have any idea whats happening with this patient but my ego will never let me admit that, so im going to blame the patient and say its all anxiety".

alot of drs wont admit if they dont know something. but all of my good drs, who have actually been investigating things and gotten to the bottom of a couple of my disorders, have admitted that because im a complex case, they dont know which issues are being caused by what.

they do tests to rule out or confirm major issues and then we try meds/treatments for various things to see if they help to try and find origins. and sometimes we just wont know what a symptom is from, but the goal is to find ways to improve my quality of life and capabilities, while doing frequent testing to keep an eye on the issue. like, all my best drs put their egos aside and say "lets investigate together".

i have been failed in alot of ways by the medical systems and doctors, but i have also had good drs and recieved alot of help as well.

--

but alot of that good help, only came after advocating and fighting like hell for my symptoms to be investigated properly. after doing a fuck-ton of research myself because the system was failing me and i was dying (literally), then finding a specialist in what i suspected was my main issue. they investigated and tested for it properly, then gave me a clincial diagnosis, then "proof" of the disorder via genetic testing later on.

--

im actually lucky in the sense that i actually have some known variants. because a couple of my genetic disorders dont always have known variants found yet, and despite myself having a very clear clincal profile, some doctors didnt even want to "accept" the diagnosis i was given, until they saw a clear genetic marker. even though i was diagnosed already, it was always "patient suspects ____ disorder, still awaiting WGS test to confirm.", "patient has concerns of ___ disorder, no genetic testing done yet.", "patients claims was diagnosed with ____, but no genetic testing done."

if my doctors hadnt been refusing to treat me for my other disorders, "until genetic tests come back", then i wouldnt have tried to get testing, because alot of drs who specialize in this disorder advocate for patients to NOT get testing, because even if someone has a clear clinical diagnosis and treatments are helping, if genetic results come back negative some doctors will take away the clinical diagnosis, stop treatments, and slap a conversion/FND label on them. then the patient doesnt improve because they dont have that, they have a genetic disorder with an un-found variant.

like, im talking about a disorder that the vast majority of people who have it, DO NOT have an identified variant, and it has clear clinical diagnostic requirements, which i fit. its not a diagnosis of exclusion, i fit the clinical tests and profiles, but so many doctors wouldnt accept my diagnosis unless i had a genetic test showing positive.

--

from the time of clinical diagnosis to actually getting testing was a little over 4 years, and my other doctors were all still treating my very real, very clear clincal diagnosis as if i was just suspecting it. so everything, all treatments except for PT (which always made me worse, which is a known thing with my disorder) and some of the meds i was already on, was being delayed and put into limbo, of "lets wait for the genetic test first", even things unrelated to that diagnosis.

everyone said i needed WGS before anything else, but insurance wouldnt cover it, even with appeals, and fighting for so many years for it. so i had to try and save for it myself which is crazy hard when you're disabled with no income. while saving up, we were still trying to get insurance to cover it.

--

so in this circumstance, thank fuck i actually had some known variants! because if i hadnt? i honestly would be dead. and i firmly believe that would be due to medical negligence and malpractice. which i also firmly believe was rooted in mental illness stigma, and stigma/bias due to the fact that an abuser was intefering with my health care (still is actually) by calling doctors offices and telling them that i have munchausens and/or by proxy.

(which i consider this to still be a mental health stigma/bias issue, not a genuine concern, bc alot of the tests and diagnoses i had are not something that someone can fake??? so seeing those shouldve made drs not take my abuser's words seriously, had they not been so biased about it, had it not clouded their judgment so much.)

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also, on the topic of phsyical abilities affecting mental health:

ooph i also have alot to say about that, in particular how my disabilities affect my OCD, and sometimes needing other people to engage in my compulsions for me, which sounds really weird when i word it like that.

and often i cant engage in some compulsions, or others cant get things "just right" for me, thats a major theme/pattern for my OCD. so ive basically been getting exposure therapy more and more as my physical abilities declined. and its awful awful for both me and my caregivers/helpers when im trying to convey while very stressed the exact way they need to place something or do something, etc. and when im overhwlemed or dysregulated (like how OCD can cause) then im very prone to meltdowns and to speech loss episodes as well, which then interferes with being able to communicate what i need in that moment too.

~

and needing help requires so much vulnerability, often i have people willing to help. safe people, who i love and the logical part of me knows would never actually hurt me. but with traumas and triggers, sometimes i just dont shower, or dont change my clothes, or i hold my urine in, or dont do some other things if i require help.

(and having experiences that match a PDA autism profile, whether from trauma or autism or a mix of both idk. can make all that worse too. i deny my own needs, even when i can do them, because my body is trying to demand it from me, which feels like a threat to my autonomy and choices.)

on the phsyical capabilities level though, i try to wait it out as long as i can until i can muster the energy and abilities to do something myself, or until i cant wait longer and need help. ill try to orient myself to remind i am safe, and sometimes just have to face those emotions, face those triggers.

i know that sounds bad, and i mean it is bad. i dont want to downplay it too much, but i also think its a fairly normal response to the things have have happened to me, and the loss of control my illnesses cause/create/exacerbate.

i have all the supports in place to be able to recieve that help, im often needing that help, but i need to try to hold onto control and autonomy as much as possible that id rather be lacking in my hygeine (especially bc im not even leaving the house or being very active to get sweaty or gross), or have abdominal pain from holding urine/bowel movements in, than traumatize myself if i might just be able to wait a longer until i have the ability to transfer myself and clean myself.

-

my mental illnesses and PTSD affect my willingness to recieve the help from safe and well meaning people even when i do need it. and that then further can affect my mental and/or phsyical health.

like, its just a really shitty situation, that im still trying to learn the best way to cope with. trying to find the best way to let myself recieve help. to let myself to vulnerable, to truly /feel/ that its safe to ask for help even. not logically know, but actually feel it.

thankfully, my main caregiver is respectful of my "no's", and even if shell emphasize if i need to shower, check ive ate or drank water, and offer me help if i need it, she respects when i say "i need help but i dont want it, ill let you know when it gets to the point you need to be hands-on."

shes well meaning, but we still have some communication issues, especially when i have alot more speech issues, and can struggle to communicate to her.

i often think others can read my mind, not in the delusion way, but in the sense that i assume others can read my body lanaguge (even when im not being physically expressive, flat face, etc), and that the way i feel and the things i need are just already understood by others.

and i dont always realize how different some of my thinking patterns/needs are from others as well, and assume they experience some of the same things, so they are just automatically understand.

-

and ive had multiple instances now, when i was having anaphalaxis, but have traumas around needles i cant control (and auto injectors count as a needle i cant control). ive had to wait until i was too incapacitated from an allergic reaction, to have my mom inject me with an epipen.

i am mentally incapable of injecting an auto injector, and will physically resist when capable too even if i want the epinephrine. i can get really severe flashbacks just /thinking/ about needles being inside me. i cannot get the body to do it.

so, i have given prior consents for her to be able to inject me with an epipen if im having really bad reactions even if i say no. but she has had to wait until im too weak or sick, or just dissociated and disconnected and in fawn/flop/freeze rather than fight/flight, to inject me.

so its at least not too bad of a trauma, but it is still extremely traumatic. to need that, and to need someone i love and feel safe with, need to be the person that injects that needle i cant control.

---

well, this was a very long responses. seems when i do post, i write alot. i can struggle to condense and summarize things well, so i apologize if there was too many details or words.

just writing to the void of the internet, a world of strangers and bots. so if feels like i can be more open i think.

i cant speak for everyone but i feel like it's underrated just how much impact being physically disabled has on mental health. because physically disabled people often have to remind others that we struggle with mental health issues that it sometimes sounds like an afterthought to others. but it's a real impact of being physically disabled. being unable to go outside or leave the bed worsens depression. having actively declining health worsens depression because part of depression is being unable to imagine a future for yourself. it also creates anxiety. you have to rely on people. on carers, family, the government. it's hard to assure anxiety when you are in a precarious position and the "worst case scenario" is not something you can circumvent or deal with, because lack of care will kill you. has killed people like you. being told you are worthless, that people like you should die or never live in the first place has a big impact on mental health. being physically disabled and unable to defend yourself, being forced to rely on people, opens up a lot of opportunities for abuse and trauma. being in pain is traumatic, medical procedures may be traumatic - and being a disabled child leads you to be doubly vulnerable. people often have to focus on their physical needs to keep them alive - to keep them clean and fed and such. and with such little energy to spare it is difficult to manage mental health. all the stigma surrounding mental health doesn't disappear because you're already disabled. sometimes when you do reach out people will just focus on trying to make you less disabled in order to cure the mental illness issue, instead of giving you the tools to help manage it in your current and real life.

[therandompagesblog]

Her Soul for His Soul: Chapter 1 🌞Y/n🌞

Trigger Warnings: Fear, anxiety, paranormal activity, swearing, light manipulation

I used to be scared of many things in life, horror films, violence, weeping angels, you name it, I was afraid. As I went to university things changed. I became less afraid. That was mainly due to the fact that my university was in Mystshell. A place that was rich in witchcraft. A place where the supernatural lived. That wasn't why I chose it. I chose it because I had an interest in history, the arts, the culture, the religion, the literature. Everything fascinated me about Mystshell. Its name was obvious, it was a village by the sea and a river ran through it separating each other. Mystshell was over a thousand years old and rumoured to be the home to witches and werewolves but there was never any proof. It was an attractive village, small and quaint that attracted occultist people.       I came from a large village, south of the country. A big city, that was vibrant but it had a high crime rate, but so did Mystshell. That wasn't what drew me Mystshell anyway, but I was here to study for three years before going off to be a teacher. That was my plan. If I had my way I would be sucked into SKZ Mate's books and become Straykids' mate but that was never going to happen, because shit like that doesn't exist. Stray kids don't exist; they are fictional men trapped in a book. Still, the possibility of ghosts and spirits were far more likely to exist than witches along with werewolves anyway. But tonight my friends and I were going to find out.       It was Lisa and Winter's stupid idea to buy an Ouija board from Amazon to try and connect to any spirit. Good or bad. They wanted to try. They wanted to try before Halloween because Halloween was coming up and if spirits were real, we didn't want it disrupting our night. So, we were going to do it tonight after lectures in my dorm. Why? They wanted to break my fear of the unknown. I had a fear of things going bump in the night. I hated the idea of spirits being around my room. I don't like going into graveyards at night. I definitely didn't like horror films but my friends trained me to watch them at night in their rooms every night which helped a little.       We had prepared for it. We went to the shops and bought candles and salt. Why we needed salt, I had yet to learn. Winter said it was about trapping a spirit inside. Like we would ever need to trap a spirit inside. Anyway, we had alcohol, salt, an Ouija board, and candles. Oh, yeah candles were not allowed in the dorms, because it would set the fire alarms off. It didn't though because Winter smokes in her room, so that was a lie, but sure it was a fire hazard.

HERE WE WERE STUCK INSIDE OUR LECTURE. We were supposed to be watching a clip about the history of demons but our professor had spent the last forty-five minutes trying to get the audio to work since the back row could not read the subtitles. Me and Lisa had our heads on the table, bored out of our minds while Winter was planning the night. "Is there a problem with the back table? Did we not get enough sleep." Professor Whimsical called out. "Yeah, because Winter here wants to summon a bloody spirit," Lisa called out groggily, making me laugh. "Maybe you should pay attention to this. This is very informative." "Nah, professor we want spirits, not demons," Winter answered back making me roll my eyes. She was far too determined to do this. "Demons and spirits are very similar..." Professor Whimsical continued to drone on and on about the notion of demons which we should have been listening to but to us, they were far too supernatural that we did not believe in them. Well, Winter and Lisa didn't believe in them but I would if we summoned the bloody things.       Winter was more of a ghost hunter. She chased the unknown and loved the dark. She would go to haunted houses to find things or go to séances with her grandmother to connect to a deceased family member. All of her family were spirit chasers. They were also incredibly superstitious.       Lisa on the other hand was someone who was curious. Lisa was easily led astray, like me. We would get asked to do something and then all of a sudden we were doing it. "How long have we got to go until this lecture is over?" Lisa asked me. "Um, another hour and a half. It's a three-hour lecture today!" I sighed. "Do you think we'll get a break today?" "No, I doubt it. He's on a tangent." I said shaking my head. Professor Whimsical always went off on a tangent whenever he got excited. He would always talk about his mother-in-law who was living with them. We all knew more about his unhappy life than we probably should of.       During this dull lecture, I decided to research what the salt was and how effective it was going to be using an ouija board. According to Spar.net salt is used to purify the ouija board before use to connect to the right spirit, but we didn't do that. We had only got the board, yesterday so why did we need salt? At this point, I had no idea but went with it.       Deep down I didn't believe in it, despite what Winter's grandmother had said, I didn't believe in it. Winter herself never experienced anything supernatural only in dreams, but they were dreams. Her grandmother believed she could see things, like spirits, images, figures, and objects. Her grandmother believed things moved around her house. Winter's mother and her family believed she was schizophrenic but Winter believed in her grandmother. She truly did. I think today was going to be the closure Winter needed and we would be there to support her when it happened.

AS SOON AS OUR LECTURE FINISHED WE WERE READY! By we I meant Winter and and Lisa. They were determined. They even had set up the Ouija board in my room, while I made dinner. They decorated the bedroom with candles lit ready to summon whatever was out there. The salt was drawn around it in a circle where a star presented itself in the middle. The Ouija board laid nicely on top. "Guys dinner is ready," I called out with my pasta bowl, staring down at the floor. I was feeling nervous or nauseous about this. This seemed wrong to play with the dead. They should be left alone and now we're summoning one. "You're fucking crazy," I said with a mouthful of food. I headed back to the kitchen and made myself a strawberry gin and lemonade, chugging it down. Not enough for me to hallucinate but enough to feel giddy and stable enough to go through with this. "Drink something stronger," Winter suggested but I sighed. It would be her that would hallucinate. "Let's play some Marilyn Manson. Get in the mood." "He scares me enough as it is." I laughed nervously as I looked at Lisa who shrugged her shoulders.       All that was now playing in the kitchen was 'let's get evil, feeling sacrilegious.' It was fitting as what we were about to do was technically evading a sacred space.       Winter wolfed down the food and drank a load of whisky as she could do we could hurry up and summon a spirit, whereas Lisa was getting slower and slower. She was not ready to involve herself in this. "Rules. There are a few rules. The salt is to trap the spirit so we can talk to it, but the most important thing is to say thank you and goodbye. We should always be polite." Winter slurred. This was fan-fucking-tastic. Winter is gonna fall asleep before we can all say goodbye. "We ready girls?" Winter asked. "Yeah let's do it," I said and followed Winter into my room. Sitting next to Winter on her left I watched Lisa sit on the right side of her. Winter took my hand and I took Lisa's hand, waiting to see what was going to happen in the dark room. "We call upon the spirit world and welcome any kind of spirits to walk with us." I don't welcome any spirits. Just good ones. "Spirits we call to you. Please come and talk with us." Winter moved the planchette in a circle three times, repeating the words again. "Put your hand on it. Both of you." Winter whispered. I nervously placed my two fingers on the wooden planchette feeling the cold air run through my veins as we circled the board three times. "Is there anyone there?" Wonder asked and the planchette moved to yes. I raised my eyebrow at Winter and she shook her head, telling me it wasn't her. It wouldn't be Lisa as she was stone-cold petrified. She was frozen on the spot. "Are you a good spirit?" The planchette moved back to yes before we pushed it towards the middle. It can lie. "Are you telling the truth?" Winter asked bravely. It moved to no. As soon as Winter asked for a name the candles blew out and Winter let go of the board with a scream. She was petrified as if she saw something behind me. "Put your hand on the fucking board. We have to say goodbye." Lisa panicked. She was crying and I was feeling sick. "Goodbye." Lisa and Winter said before fleeing to their room leaving me stuck to the board. "Thought we were supposed to be polite," I muttered. "Thank you spirits and goodbye."       I circled once and thanked the spirit, making sure I was polite before bidding them a goodnight. I packed up the board and put it back into the box before going into the bathroom. I pulled the bathroom light switch and nothing came on so I used my phone, clicking on data to see the group chat say something about the power going out in block D so security is coming over to fix it. I cursed Winter for this because this was an eerie coincidence. Using my flashlight I shined the light towards the mirror to see my face when I saw a black foggy figure touching my head and then everything went black.

Taglist for the iconic readers:

@silentreadersthings @ihrtlix @galaxy4489 @catlove83 @reallychaoticwoo @leezanetheofficial @linocz @hyunmikim @eastjonowhere @skzdreamer13 @mavischerry @kiaralynn3838 @jellyleggz @mihoonz @hanniesbubuwife

[morganaspendragonss]

can't make it all alone

to rose ( @hereghostslive )! it's your tarlos secret santa here with a little gift for you! inspired of course by your prompt of tk suiting up again, and also by an anon request of tk and carlos being trapped in a fire, and also by the prompt 'raspy breathing' from my @anyfandomdarkbingo!

happy, happy holidays and i hope you enjoy!

ao3 | 1.8k | angst, hurt/comfort, big brother tk | title from fairytale of new york by the pogues

TK hates working Christmas Eve. Especially as it now means he has to miss the Reyes Nochebuena family gathering, but working right up to Christmas means he gets to have the whole of Hanukkah off to spend with Jonah. It’ll be his first without either of his parents, and though they’re still working through the steps to officially adopt, TK wants to make sure that paperwork doesn’t get in the way of actually being there for his brother.

Besides, it’ll be good to do it all again. He’s been better lately, and he tries to be home to light his mom’s old menorah every night, but it’s been years since he’s celebrated Hanukkah, or any of the high holidays, properly. Not since he was a kid, really, back when he did it all with his mom. He doesn’t know what Enzo has done for the last couple of years, he’s not Jewish so maybe Jonah has never experienced Hanukkah that he can remember, but TK feels he needs to do this this year. For himself as much as Jonah. For their mom.

So, he’s suffering through Christmas Eve to have the next eight days with his baby brother. It’s always a chaotic shift, too many people desperately crowding the malls before they close for the holidays. There are electrical fires, pileups and road rage induced crashes a-plenty. Add that to their usual injuries and accidents, and it turns into the shift from hell.

TK hates it.

Around mid-afternoon, they get called to the mall across town, fire and medical both. They’re far from the closest station, so this must be an all hands on deck kind of situation, something which gets confirmed with every new detail that comes through. 

The mall was packed for a Christmas Eve family activity, as well as the usual last-minute shoppers, when the generators powering both the entire mall and now the additional stage set-up for the choir had overloaded and sparked a fire. The subsequent panic had led to one catastrophe after another, and now they were facing people with crush injuries, burns, screaming children, and god knows how many were still trapped inside in the middle of the fire.

It would have been a nightmare on a normal day, but the holidays always make disasters so much worse.

He and Nancy barely have time to grab their gear before they’re hustled over to triage where they’re put under the command of the 122 captain and directed to the green zone, the less injured having been neglected so far in favour of the serious injuries, of which there were far too many. 

There are only four of them working to help dozens of distressed people, a lot of them children, which is why TK doesn’t hear it at first. But as he is just finishing up dressing some minor burns, he hears a child’s cry. And not just anyone’s.

He just about manages to turn and crouch down before three feet of little brother crashes into him. Jonah buries his face in TK’s neck, snot and tears smearing his uniform, but TK doesn’t care about that when his brother is hysterical in his arms. 

Another paramedic, one he vaguely recognises as being from the 163, approaches with a harried expression on his face.

“I was just treating him when he ran off,” he explains. “We can’t figure out who he belongs to so–”

“Me,” TK interrupts, raising his gaze to meet raised eyebrows and a doubtful twist of the mouth. “He belongs to me. He’s my brother. Is he okay?”

“Uh.” The paramedic blinks at them, then quickly shakes himself out of his stupor. “Yeah, he’s okay. A couple of bruises, but nothing that won’t heal. I– Can I leave him with you? I gotta…” He gestures to the mass of people around them and TK nods.

He returns his focus to Jonah and manages to pry him from his death grip on TK’s turnouts. Jonah tries to dive straight back into his hiding spot, but TK gently holds him by the shoulders and keeps him on his own feet. 

“Hey, Jonah?” he says. “Can you look at me, buddy? That’s it, that’s it, you’re okay.” He grabs a wipe from the kit and carefully cleans up Jonah’s face, trying to stop his own panic from swallowing him whole.

Carlos and Jonah were supposed to be spending the day together today, to get used to each other away from TK. Carlos had said they were just going to the park, so how they ended up in the middle of this is a mystery, but the more pressing concern was the fact that Carlos was currently missing. He definitely wasn’t in the green zone, and the paramedic had said no one had come to claim Jonah, so…

No. Carlos is okay. He has to be. TK refocuses and smiles at Jonah. “Jonah, do you know where Carlos is?” he asks. “Can you tell me?”

But if Jonah does know, he’s clearly beyond words now. He just wipes his arm across his face and reaches for TK again, and who is he to deny his little brother?

If TK could choose, he would find Carlos and take them all straight home, but they’re still in the middle of an active scene, a fact he’s very quickly reminded of by the IC yelling his name.

“Strand! Gear up,” he commands, marching over.

TK straightens, still holding Jonah’s hand. “Captain?”

“You heard me,” he says, no-nonsense. “We’ve got someone trapped in there who needs advanced medical now, and since you used to be Fire, you’re the most qualified we’ve got to go in there.”

The captain marches off without giving him time to respond, and TK feels torn in two as Jonah clings ever tighter to his jacket. He wants so badly to be there for his little brother, but Jonah isn’t the only one who needs him right now. People need help, and TK swore an oath.

“Hey, listen,” he says, turning back to Jonah and holding him by the shoulders. “Someone needs my help, so I have to go now. But Nancy is right here, you remember Nancy?”

Jonah looks at him with wide eyes, but nods. He’s spent a little time with the crew over the past few weeks, all part of getting him used to everyone for when the adoption goes through, so he’s at least familiar with all of them. Tk smiles and glances up at Nancy, relieved when she nods in understanding.

“Okay, good. I want you to stay by Nancy, you can help her with the other hurt people, yeah? I’ll be back as soon as I can, I promise.”

TK leans forward to kiss the top of Jonah’s head. His brother clings to him for a few seconds more, before TK is forced to pull away and he hands him off to Nancy. He spares one last look back before jogging off, grabbing a mask and O2 from the rig before following the firefighters into the blaze.

*

Inside feels like they’ve stepped into some sort of Christmas disaster movie. There’s a capsized giant tree surrounded by the shattered remains of baubles and lights, a warped version of Jingle Bells is playing from somewhere, and a cardboard cutout of Santa is slowly being consumed by flames.

He’s led over to where a shop display has collapsed on top of a victim. TK can see why they needed him in here rather than transporting the patient outside; the firefighters are all occupied trying to keep the flames back and the victim’s injuries, even from a distance, look nasty. He spots at least one shard of glass impaling the man dangerously close to his neck, and there’s melted plastic from the display sticking to his skin.

TK steels himself for an unpleasant rescue, one which he wouldn’t be surprised if it turned into a recovery. But when he gets closer, it’s still so much worse than he could have imagined.

Because it’s Carlos.

Carlos, with glass covering his body; Carlos, whose breathing has turned wheezing and raspy, and which worsens by the second.

TK is frozen for a moment as he hovers over his husband’s body, and that moment is enough for things to go from catastrophic to apocalyptic.

The firefighters yell, and feet stampede past, and all TK can do is throw himself over Carlos as a roar erupts in his ears and heat sears his back.

*

*

*

They’re alone. His every nerve ending is screaming in pain and TK coughs as he rolls sideways off of Carlos. His mask has been knocked askew, but it doesn’t matter because TK doesn’t need it anyway. He’s fine; he’ll be fine.

But there’s Carlos…

And his kit is gone, so TK reaches up and removes his mask completely, burning air immediately filling his lungs, but he pushes through it to press the mask over Carlos’s face. He doesn’t know if it will save him, but TK has to try, even if it’s the last thing he does.

Which it might be.

He…

But if Carlos has a chance, then TK…

TK is fine.

*

The weight of it all hits him later, when they’re recovering in the hospital, both of them miraculously alive. 

Carlos explains to him later: they were on their way back from the park when Jonah had spotted some toy in the window. They weren’t going to go in, but when he found out it was going to be a Hanukkah present for TK, Carlos couldn’t resist Jonah’s pleading expression. They were on their way to leave when everything happened; Jonah, when he meets them in the hospital, is still clutching the toy in his fist.

His brother looks so scared and TK’s heart twists uncomfortably as he considers how he could have died today. They both could have, and where would Jonah be then?

Carlos was caught up in an accident; those happen every day, and they aren’t always able to save everyone, but he was almost shot on the job a few weeks ago. TK was at work today, and he made the choice to try and save Carlos over himself. It’s a choice he’d make over and over again, and not just to save his husband.

To save anyone who needed it. To save their family from imploding, and causing his own to do so in return.

And it hits him, all of a sudden, that Jonah’s world has already imploded. TK is all he has left, and if TK dies…

He loves his job. But he loves his little brother more, and TK realises suddenly, painfully, that he’s going to need to make a choice, one that isn’t really a choice at all.

Jonah, or his job?

He looks over at his brother, who reaches out to be hugged. TK takes him easily into his arms, and something settles heavy in his stomach.

It’s a decision that’s already been made for him.

[blocksruinedme]

My hallmark Christmas Smalletho + smallidarity au. it was supposed to be a quick summary of an idea, surely less than 1k.

It's not done and it's over 5k. It's almost Christmas so I'm posting what I have, there will be more. If you want to watch it happen in real time, dm me here or on discord to join my server. You must be 1) 18+ 2) not morality cop. (kill the cop inside yourself who says to police other people. acab.)

Alright so. Joel is a big city boy who is burning out hard cause he's such a toxic sweat. he's in a long term healthy and happy relationship with jimmy. Joel spends december in to rural canada (not as rural as Joel claims) to take care of his great aunt trudy, who is packing up her house to move to assisted living near her daughter. He plans to spend christmas there because jimmy’s going to visit family, and he’s never been very into christmas.

Joel can work remotely and that's why he's the family member who got sent up to canada. He always liked her when he was a kid, but he was a kid and hasn’t seen her in ages. He went in expecting to find a frail old woman who needed to be rescued, out in the misery of rural...ality? but instead he finds someone feisty, who knows far more than he does about life, and is ready to knock him on his ass if needed. She's not being forced into anything. She used to be very physically active, mountain climbing and shit, but now she wants to live somewhere warmer and be able to call an uber. It's not assisted living, it's like the place my grandma lives, it's just age restricted and has like community center stuff. It’s even queer. Joel realizes in retrospect she was very lesbian coded but he was a kid, and then a sullen early 20 something. 

Every day Jimmy texts Joel to tell him to "touch grass" and Joel grumbles and finds different grass to send him a picture of. One day, bored, he wanders far afield while searching for slightly different grass.... 

Etho finds Joel down on his knees staring at grass. Etho looms over Joel and startles him. Joel yelps and stumbles, and Etho laughs at him and Joel growls like an angry tiny dog. Etho tries to soothe him but Joel rants at him and insults him while Etho tries to hide his amusement. Eventually Joel shouts and storms off and it's the most interesting thing to happen in Etho in years. Who is this guy?

(Note: Getting a bit of a pride and prejudice vibe, but with Etho being less of a bitch than Darcy. Go watch “Fire Island” for gay asian-american pride and prejudice it’s so good. Bowen Yang is Jane. Here, Joel (Elizabeth Bennet)  is convinced Etho (Darcy) is this big imperious asshole who thinks he's better than everyone, but Gem and his great aunt know he's a goober.) 

This is a really small town and Etho... ETHO IS FIXING TO GREAT AUNT TRUDY 'S HOUSE. Which Joel didn't know for a few days cause Trudy didn’t want to have work going the first few days Joel was there. Monday, Joel comes downstairs in his pjs and Etho and Trudy are having coffee together. Joel is in cutesy snail pjs got him for Christmas.

Joel is so angry, enraged, how dare big stupid Etho be helping someone he cares about. Joel storms upstairs (he knows he’s not subtle but it is HARD) and calls Jimmy to rant. After a few minutes, Trudy texts him and says Etho is outside. 

Joel comes back down, fully dressed, and Trudy lets him complain. Yes, she remembers him complaining about the nameless asshole the other day, and now it's the fucking guy fixing up the house so they can sell??? And he lives so close??? How dare he! 

Joel he can’t focus on work, no big deadlines because it’s the end of the year, and he doesn’t even have any meetings. They have a generous vacation policy and things mostly shut down in December. Joel sighs dramatically and shuts his laptop and sulks and paces and Trudy laughs. After an hour of Joel being absurdly grumpy, Etho comes in and says “hey sorry there's a thing I need to do but it's physically impossible without someone else, even for a big strong guy like me”.

Trudy and Etho laugh like there's an inside joke Joel's not part of and he seethes. He hates being excluded, especially if it’s because of *Etho.  And Etho says he'll look for other things he can do while he waits to get someone to help tomorrow. But Joel can't get home until the house is done, and that’s his excuse when he announces he's doing it. And Joel feels like Etho is being patronizing but he isn't. They do the task well, work together easily, and Joel also hates that. He hates everything about Etho, especially the way he stays out and helps Etho with other things even after that one is done. Clearly Etho needs… supervision. Can’t trust that big asshole.

Etho's over every single day for a week. Trudy is constantly finding excuses to send Joel out to offer Etho snacks, or to offer help carrying things. Joel fumes but never actually tries to not go. Trudy feigns "oh I'm too old to go offer him coffee" and it's bullshit and they both know, Trudy doesn’t even keep a straight face.  Etho is terribly amused to see he's being "set up with" Trudy's cranky great nephew from the city. Which is clearly a funny joke, Etho knows that he's a non-serious flirt, and that Trudy knows that, and Joel’s only here a couple weeks. Nothing could possibly happen. So Etho thinks clearly Trudy thinks Joel would enjoy flirting... and Etho quickly finds it really enjoyable to flirt with Joel.  Etho isn't analyzing that right now! Flirting is fun and this is a normal amount of flirting! Flirting is just fun! A game, a game where half the time he just lets himself be super awkward and jokey!  

Now it's Saturday afternoon and Joel hasn't seen Etho since Friday afternoon, and that's FINE that's GREAT actually! Because Etho is so annoying, and he stomps, and the construction work is loud sometimes and wakes Joel up - though of course by the end of the week Joel's out there most of the afternoon, and there hasn't been loud work in the morning. (Joel is too stupid to realize Etho did that on purpose, stopping the loudness in the morning. Such a silly boy.) 

So Joel is restless with no Etho to argue with and be annoyed by. (Note: Etho doesn't think they are arguing and Joel doesn't seem to be really annoyed, now does he?)

Joel goes out shopping and, like Joel was warned, the gps is really spotty out here. So he's pulled over the street and angrily trying to figure out how to get to the store before it closes. He's not going to go back to ask for help and it's just that there's no street signs most of the time, he's going through offline maps, he's absolutely so close to figuring it out when there's a knocking on his car and he SCREAMS. So loud Etho hears him outside Trudy's pickup truck. Joel turns and looks at him with a mix of confusion and rage and Etho steps back, waving. Joel rolls down the window and Etho explains he was waving but Joel wasn't looking up, and Etho instantly realizes Joel's lost and Joel is SO MAD. 

Etho says don’t worry, oh follow me to the store, I need to go to the store anyway. (note: Etho does not need to, he gets some stuff but he wasn't out of anything.) Joel is enraged when they get there because it's like two turns away! Etho could have told him! What, did he think Joel would get lost??? Etho doesn't engage with it, just chuckles and acts like Joel isn't Being Like That. He realized on Wednesday he could just ignore it and it would be fine. 

They finish shopping and Etho really doesn't want to say goodbye, though he tells himself he's just being nice to the traveler. He invites Joel out to go bowling, Etho genuinely is meeting people there. Why would Joel do that! When Etho is so annoying, he could go home and call Jimmy and maybe jerk off together, maybe just complain about Etho, but somehow it seems he said yes, why did he say yes, what the bloody hell now he's renting *bowling shoes*. 

Joel realizes Etho's asking him what he wants on his pizza (they sell it there) and etho knows Joel is vegetarian and isn't being weird about it, which Joel assumed everyone out here would be so he tries to hide it. He said he just wants cheese, then asks for pineapple to see if Etho is mean about it. Etho is not mean about it. By the time Joel has his shoes on, Etho is back and quickly describing people they are meeting and Joel is shocked Etho has friends. He knows that's rude and stupid but he just imagined Etho as a friendless introvert. But he's happy and comfortable with his friends - though it's true he only has a couple friends. 

And GOD DAMN IT but Etho is GOOD at BOWLING. Joel goes to the bathroom and frantically reads about how to get good at bowling real fast. Etho does not comment how it's obvious Joel is suddenly Trying Techniques. They eat pizza, they drink beer (joel doesn't really like beer, he's all into mixology but he drinks anyway after some complaints). Everyone can see they are flirting and generally think it's adorable. 

Joel finds himself genuinely comfortable - he blames the beer for dulling his senses. In truth, the beer is helping him calm down and drop some of his overactive brain that tries to protect him from pain by protecting him from everything. 

They finish a set, or a whatever a round of bowling is. People are taking a break, they go off for more pizza and giant pretzels and deep fried mac and cheese balls and the bathroom and stuff. Etho comes back with beers for himself and Joel. They wind up alone for a few minutes, as Etho teases Joel about his fancy cocktails, asks about them and mentally takes note of his favorites so he can go get the ingredients and... he's not sure what. The alone time stretches on a bit cause Etho’s friends are deliberately staying back and watching. 

Then Gem walks in.

Gem walks in the front door and finds the group trying to look innocent. They all walk back with her cause it would be insanely awkward to have Gem go over alone to Etho who is flirting with Trudy’s nephew who she’s never met. 

Etho isn’t sitting next to Joel, that would be too much to deny, which means once everyone is back they aren't sitting next to each other. Gem sits next to Joel and cheerily says she heard about the new guy, and Joel splutters and says he's temporary, and she's friendly and chatty but god Joel wishes he was still talking to *Etho*. He's so upset that it's true. 

Joel starts texting Jimmy just to have something to focus on, and goes to take his first turn, and comes back to his seat and... Etho and Gem are flirting, They are clearly flirting, and seeing it he realizes several things at once

A) Joel and Etho have absolutely been flirting

B) Etho is flirting with Gem like Joel isn't even there

C) It feels bad D) Joel hates that it feels bad

However bad it feels (a lot), Joel tells himself he can't leave because it would be obvious why, everyone would know he minded Gem and Etho flirting. Then maybe Etho would *say something* or even worse *apologize* and he'd die on the spot. Or maybe Etho wouldn’t say anything, wouldn’t care, wouldn’t offer to walk him to his car, and that’s terrible too. (And more terrible that he wants that)

Joel tries four times to explain the situation to Jimmy, and then just asks if he can do a call later, asking when is Jimmy going to bed.

[cut to: Jimmy looking at his phone with his brow furrowing, ready to stay up as late as Joel needs.]

Two people leave after that set/round, and Gem says Joel has drunk too much to leave, she can drive him home later cause she's not drinking tonight. Joel feels like he’d be sober fairly soon, but Gem’s not *asking*, she's informing Joel that therefore he should drink the beer she's handing him right now, and she's so nice and honestly so pretty and Joel's drinking the beer, and whoever he was splitting the pitcher with says they are done and Joel should finish it.

Why? Because tonight is unique and strange, and Gem has seen *something* and she's not going to let Joel go off and... sulk? She feels like this is a one time opportunity, if she lets Joel get away that'll be it, something will be gone, and for the worse. She can't put words to whatever is going on but she's going to be in control of tonight. 

Meanwhile Joel doesn't even think about the fact that he has a car here that will need to get back, he's so used to just taking cabs/lyfts around it just feels like an alternative to that. 

Etho does not comment, sipping his own beer... and getting another, because he also wants an excuse to not drive. Part of his mind is making a *fuss* about this behavior, making a fuss about the way he keeps looking at Joel, but he's ignoring it.

Eventually bowling is boring. Joel isn't as good as Etho, but he isn't always last, even while drinking. (Maybe everyone except Gem is drunk, but he’s not paying attention to anyone besides Gem and Etho). Joel is texting grumpily and Etho teases him about being grumpy, he says he's explaining to Jimmy that he's drunk on *beer* and it's appalling how far his standards have fallen, he gets over dramatic and silly

Due to miscommunication between multiple people, Etho has wildly misunderstood things and thinks Jimmy is Joel's long time housemate. He knows people in the city do that because everything is so expensive. They’ve lived together across multiple apartments, which sounds nice, to have a friend like that, a partnership of some kind.  Etho thinks they are both queer, which seems normal and also nice.

Gem laughs and asks what Joel normally likes to drink, and Etho starts teasing about Joel's fancy drinks, and Gem moves so she's as far away as she can be (it's a small space). 

[Gem is the woman doing math meme]

Joel winds up at Gem's place, which is walking distance away. He thinks it's because that's how he gets back home - to Trudy's, that is. He’s feeling so complicated and he hates it and there’s no way he can process it tonight. Therefore, Joel is giving himself permission to do whatever because he's very loud about how he's drunk on beer and it's too much liquid to put in one person and he's back to cocktails and shots after this. 

Etho teases him about being small and touches him and it's the first time they've touched. Joel is so ANGRY because he wants Etho to touch him more, touch him in other ways, and either Etho just flirts with people or maybe Gem's his *girlfriend* and Etho's probably *straight* this isn't the city why would he be....

They’re almost to Gem’s and  Etho bumps Joel's side with his own, teases him about thinking too much. Joel gets grumpy back and suddenly they're at Gem's, and it's five people and maybe Etho’s going to leave and it feels like if he does it’s forever, he’ll never see him again, but the other two disappear so fast and it's the three of them. Etho says he can't drive yet but he doesn't *seem* drunk - but then Gem is offering them cocktails, and Joel had sworn off more drinking but it's *civilized* here and Etho laughs so loudly and Joel should really just leave.

He doesn't.

In honor of the season, a prompt:

You have been tapped to write/direct the next Hallmark Christmas special. Which blorbos do you cast as your romantic leads and what's the summary of your feel-good holiday tale?

[reparrishcomics]

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[orcelito]

This morning, my therapist called me to let me know she's setting up her own practice via telehealth (which is what we were using Anyways) & asked me whether I'd want to follow her there. She still has to set stuff up with insurance stuff But her out of pocket stuff is like HALF what I've been paying out of pocket for the company she was in. So I was like, Hell Yeah let's do it

So im gonna keep up with appointments, maybe once a month or so, just so I have the accountability + the ability to ramble about what I've achieved. Bc that's been rly nice for me. I'll have my therapist back!!!! And better than ever, if only because I have to pay so much less for it 😂😂😂

And ALSO, today I put in my course request for the orchestra into the form. So different from just two weeks ago, where I was practically begging to be given a chance to audition. I was sitting in the same spot of the lobby even, but putting in my official orchestra request instead of sending an email as I vibrated in hope and anxiety. I Got It tho. And the class won't even be that late in the day. It's really exciting.

[mutalune]

hey siri how do I stop feeling gutwrenchingly anxious in the guilt way for using the treatment methods available to me to not be in constant misery

[butchlifeguard]

i would love to do a really long essay about food conspiracies and fatphobia

[seedlessmuffins]

.

[apretendpoet]

12/8/2024

FANFIC:

zerxus/evandrin smut -

starting: 603 words

ending: 1,696 words

(by the stars above // i know we were in love)

alterra family fluff -

starting:

ending: 365 words

dorym happy ending -

starting:

ending: 162 words

orym post canon temporary amnesia -

starting:

ending: 460 words

evandrin & laerryn friendship fic -

starting:

ending: 237 words

beauty and the beast au -

starting:

ending: 168 words

ORIGINAL FICTION:

belong.mp3 -

starting: 47,494 words

ending: 47,494 words

DRAFTING:

ring of brass 6+1 saves (fic)

tlovm canon adjacent - "they forgot me" (fic)

zerxus/evandrin princess bride au (fic)

calamity roaring 20s/bootlegger au (fic)

high fantasy time travel lesbians (original)

brainrot: the novel (original)

COMPLETED:

nydas/patia smut -

final title: part time soulmate (full time problem)

final word count: 3,872

published (ao3): 2/21/2024

dorian/orym reunion fic -

final title: hold back the river (let me look in your eyes)

final word count: 1,126

published (ao3): 5/7/2024

the battlefield medic fic -

final title: of where we'd end up at the end of it

final word count: 27,267

published (ao3): 7/6/2024

dorym post canon -

final title: there's a world that was meant for our eyes to see

final word count: 2,409

published (ao3): 8/11/2024

dorian goes down -

final title: and i'll use you as a focal point (subject to change?)

final word count: 3,242

published (ao3): 10/26/2024

zerxus on the warpath -

final title: sending my love (from the other side of the apocalypse)

final word count: 8,560

published: 11/30/2024

[sailorsleepymoon]

I’m playing cult of the lamb for the first time and the fact that I can only make one maid dress has me actually FUMING seething and sobbing I just beat the credits boss (I think I’ve played over 24 hours in less than 36…) and got them as a follower and the fact that I can’t make him and the other bosses walk around in maid dresses is fucking TEARING ME APARTTTTT

[binders-and-beanies]

ED tw in da tags i just need 2 vent