#I take nausea meds but it only helps for a few minutes. I need 2 tell a doctor abt it but don’t have my insurance card yet

[binders-and-beanies]

ED tw in da tags i just need 2 vent

[fluffy-sickfics-art]

[title]

CW: vomit

Kade throws up after a bus ride back from a game.

Introducing: Kade, Braden, Alisa.

Note: clearly i am not a writer but i tried okay T^T i apologize for the abrupt ending

❆

The bus ride back to the university is only two hours away, and their game ended at nine. Thankfully, tomorrow's a Sunday, so he'll have a whole morning to catch up on lost sleep.

Knowing himself, Kade really doesn't want to drink the post-game smoothie or eat the pasta bowl the team ordered (it tastes good, but he throws it back up almost 30% of the time). Eating after an away game usually leaves Kade nauseated the entire ride back, even if he takes his meds. But he knows he needs to replenish the energy he used up, so he sips away at the smoothie anyways. It's a gamble, really.

A fairly celebratory mood is swirling through the air, the team having won their game 3-2. The bus is loud for the first fifteen minutes or so, with most of the team singing along to country songs that Antoine's blasting from the back of the bus, as the rest of the guys finish their food. Kade doesn't each much, already dreading the nausea that's soon to hit him. It quiets down soon, though, since everyone's tired anyways.

Their C captain, Wyatt, is doing some sort of homework at the back, as is his friend Kio, one of the alternate captains. The rest of the guys are mostly chatting away with each other, scrolling on their phones or napping with their earbuds in. Kade's trying to sleep, but as the ride goes on, his headache progresses from a slight dizziness to the point where even closing his eyes doesn't help. He checks the time: 10:30 pm.

Groaning internally, Kade shuts his eyes again. Still an hour and a half left, ugh.

His friend Braden's sitting next to him. Out of all the dressed teammates, they're the only true freshmen, so Braden's essentially the only one Kade spends time with outside of practice, games and team meals.

The next few minutes pass by relatively peacefully, until a bump in the road jostles Kade's already queasy stomach. He suppresses a gag as a cough, successfully catching Braden's attention.

In typical Braden fashion, he completely misses Kade's discomfort (thank goodness) and gives a very random suggestion.

"You should come over to my place tonight," Braden offers. "Jarrett's coming over, too."

"So you can game all night, eh?" Kade asks, chuckling. Conversation's somewhat taking his mind off his churning stomach and spinning head, which is good.

Braden shrugs. "Only until, like, one."

"You don't have any work to do tomorrow?"

"Nah. Doesn't matter, anyways. As long as I meet the requirements to stay on the team, I'm good."

"Alisa would shove you out the window if she heard you say that," Kade replies with a snort.

"So violent for no reason, man," Braden agrees, turning back to his phone and effectively ending the conversation. Normally, he'd say more, but it's clear he's just as tired as Kade is. (Once he turns his monitor on and starts gaming, though, any bit of tiredness miraculously gets sucked out of his veins.)

Around an hour into the bus ride, however, Braden apparently notices that something is off with Kade, who's leaning on one arm, his other arm draped over his stomach.

"You good, bro?" Braden asks, prodding him.

"Yeah, I'm good," Kade responds with little to no conviction.

Braden doesn't believe him, clearly. "You ate, like, one bite of pasta," he realizes aloud. "You sick or somethin'?"

Kade shakes his head, which is quite the mistake since the dizziness increases exponentially. "Just tired. How much more time left?"

"An hour-ish."

"'Kay, thanks," Kade replies, cursing in his head. He can hold on for another hour. It's just a minute times sixty, after all.

The rest of the ride doesn't fly by, but with the "minute times sixty" logic, the arrival at their campus comes sooner than Kade expected. Unfortunately, he's several times closer to throwing up than an hour ago, and the sudden change from a moving bus to unmoving ground somehow only makes him dizzier.

"Good job today, boys," Coach Tyler says as the players all file off the bus, yawning. "I'll see you all Monday. Get some rest tomorrow."

A chorus of "yes, coach's" and "see you's" follow as everyone begins either going to their cars or to the bus station nearby.

Kade can almost feel his eyelids fluttering, and he so badly wants to just take the bus to the dorm, but his room is only a twenty minute walk away and he really doesn't think his stomach can handle a moving vehicle any longer.

He waves goodbye to Braden, backpack feeling heavier on his shoulders by the second, and begins the walk back to the dorms.

He's probably made it about ten minutes away from where the team was dropped off when he has to sit down at a bench, the smoothie and singular pasta he consumed already rising up his throat.

Praying that he's not going to throw up but knowing it'll happen all the same, Kade stands up on shaky legs and turns toward the grass behind him. He leans over on his knees, breathes in deeply in vain hopes that it's just a bout of nausea and nothing more. In... out... in... out...

Somehow, the waiting is even worse than the vomiting, and Kade spits on the grass when the amount of saliva coating the inside of his mouth begins increasing.

He stays like this for another few minutes or so, but without warning, his stomach lurches and he dry heaves, straining every muscle involved. His head is full-on pounding now, and Kade stiffens, as any movement could probably make him topple over.

Retching again, Kade closes his eyes and just wishes that it'll be over faster. The quicker he can get this over with, the quicker he can get back to his dorm, and the quicker he can just go to sleep.

One more gag and everything comes rushing back out, and then it just doesn't stop. It's mostly smoothie, so it doesn't hurt as much as usual, but the pungent smell makes him keep gagging even after he's pretty sure his stomach has expelled everything that was inside. Kade refuses to open his eyes, knowing that seeing his own vomit would only worsen the still-lingering nausea.

His throat burns, his abs continue to clench and unclench as his heart thumps loudly in his ears. He's nearly a mess, and he's thankful no one's there to witness it.

And then-- "Are you okay?"

It's a girl's voice. Alisa's voice, he realizes with a small sigh of relief, because any other girl might take advantage of him in a vulnerable state. Not that he's vulnerable right now. It's just motion sickness.

There's the sound of her old bike squeaking to a stop behind him, and then Alisa's beside him. "Kade, is that you?"

He doesn't bother to look, already feeling her eyes staring at his face. "Mhm."

"Anxiety sick or sick-sick?"

"Motion sick," he mumbles, clearing his throat when the words come out sticky and hoarse.

"Aw that sucks," Alisa replies, rubbing his hunched-over back. "Where's your water?"

"Bench."

The water bottle's in his hands within seconds, Alisa urging him to stand up and drink some.

He swishes the water around his mouth and spits it out onto the puddle of puke before taking slow sips. He's feeling a little better already, fortunately. Alisa drags him back to the bench, pulling him to sit down next to her.

"How was the game?" she asks once his breathing slows down a little, but she keeps her hand on his back.

"We won."

Alisa claps, smiling. "Yay! Good job!"

He smiles back with a soft "thanks."

There's a comfortable silence, the leaves rustling as they're blown by the fall wind. "What're you doing out here at this hour?"

"Just got off work," she replies, stepping on a leaf. It crunches under her foot. "Why aren't you bussing back to the dorms? It's much faster than--oh. Right."

"Yeah," Kade mumbles, leaning back. His head isn't spinning as much as before, and the nausea is steadily decreasing. The only part of his body that's still uncomfortable is his now empty stomach.

"I would stay and talk but I have to get home now," Alisa says after a moment, standing up. "You should eat something if you're feeling any better."

Nodding, Kade stands up as well. He'll eat the rest of the pasta once he gets back to the dorms. "'Kay. Good night."

Alisa salutes him from her bike. "You too. See you Monday."

❆

additional notes:

kade and braden are closer than how i depicted them here, as are kade and alisa, but it's like this takes place at 11 pm so everyone's tired lol

more to come once i actually finish the 12 drafts i have yippee

[sickstarlight]

different causes of sickness

a friend had asked me for some advice on how I write differences between different types of sickness or reasons someone could get sick! so I typed up a reference of details I try to keep in mind in my writing. not by any means meant to be comprehensive but these are some of the more common things I see used or use myself!

eta: if you found this interesting or useful consider tipping me on kofi (/jallyns) or getting a $5 commission so I can fix my computer

drinking related:

drank too much: everyone’s threshold for this is going to be different obvs both in terms of how much alcohol they need and how wasted they’re able/willing to be before getting sick. also ime you have to be QUITE drunk for being drunk alone to make you sick, to the point where it may be dangerous, so personally I like this combined with something else - motion, something not sitting right in their stomach, etc - but it can be good otherwise too. probably the first thing the character will notice or be aware of if they have any warning is that being drunk stops feeling good at this point. they might feel flushed and/or clammy and will probably feel dizzy, their mouth might feel really dry depending on what they’ve been drinking. this is probably also the point where they recognize they have limited control of their body, feet might feel too heavy to move or head might be spinning, may feel very clumsy and suddenly become AWARE of it.

they might FEEL motion sick even if they’re not moving too because their motion sense is fucked at this point. might feel heavy but this is likely to be a whole body heaviness NOT just their stomach (though they might be very aware of it); might or might not be able to place the feeling of nausea. maybe burping but it depends on what they’ve been drinking (carbonated or not, mixed with soda, etc) and what else they ate! they MIGHT feel okay after throwing up but their friend probably shouldn’t let them drink anymore even if they do.

also this might come with very little warning, they may go from feeling fine and giggling with their friends to suddenly feeling Wrong to hurling all over the floor in a matter of minutes or even a few seconds. if they have friends with them who have been with them drunk regularly, depending on who’s more sober their friends might notice they look unsteady and/or queasy before they realize they don’t feel well.

other good things here: alcohol that tastes so strong it’s all they can taste when they throw it back up, feeling dizzy but not placing it as nauseous right away, feeling like their head is too heavy to lift. reeling on their feet when a drink hits them too hard and feeling the whole room spin.

drank too quickly - more likely to come on SUPER suddenly, but they’ll probably recognize it right away (unless they’ve already been drinking) because the alcohol hasn’t had time to get to their brain yet. so with gradually drinking more than they should they will get drunk first and THEN get sick, but if they drink too much too fast right off the bat they’ll start to feel some effects probably but they’ll also know pretty quick that their drinks aren’t gonna stay down.

hung over - throwing up from a hangover is a combination of a buildup of alcohol byproducts in the stomach, and the stomach lining being irritated + producing more acid. a headache is also a significant part of the misery of a hangover but (unlike a migraine, where the pain directly leads to vomiting) isn’t necessarily related to any queasiness, so the headache might get worse with sound, light, or movement, but their stomach likely won’t. they might feel a little like they have heartburn (or actually GET some acid reflux) from acid buildup, and their stomach might be sore or feel too warm as well as being upset. 

the only real cure for a hangover is slow sips of clear fluids and bland foods to help settle the stomach and reduce the acid, but lots of people swear by other things - certain kinds of foods, drinking more alcohol, etc, so that’s something you can have fun with! depending on how much alcohol is still in their bloodstream, they might also still feel a little drunk/tipsy and have some issues with their balance, thinking clearly, etc, which could make the nausea worse; also some people might always get sick from hangovers but others might not so consider how your character deals with that! They also might wake up sick, or feel sick right away, or might not feel sick at all until trying to get some fluids or take meds for their headache (especially since ibuprofen/aspirin also irritate the stomach lining).

food related:

ate too much -  character will likely feel bloated and tight, food might feel heavy in their stomach. depending on what they’re stuffed with there might be burping esp if there’s a lot of gas in their stomach, or a lot of gagging and unproductive dry heaving if it’s very heavy/solid. might need to drink something to get anything up, or have help from someone, or might just take a while to finally puke as their overstuffed stomach struggles to break down their meal enough that their stretched out muscles can get anything moving. any firm pressure on the stomach is gonna feel worse and likely to make them gag even if they’re not ready to throw up yet. maybe weak strained tummy noises as they try to digest. (side note if a lot of their stomach contents are liquid like soup, drinks, etc they’ll throw that up a lot faster; also a good excuse to discuss sloshing/jostling/swirling around in their tummy)

ate too quickly - ties in well to eating too much since it’s easy eating in a hurry to not realize you’re full until it’s already a little late - eating or drinking anything too fast can also make some people’s stomachs hurt or get upset in general, and is an easy way to end up swallowing a lot of air which can obviously lead to feeling much more full and tight with lots of burping that could easily bring up more!

ate something bad - this could be rotten, poorly prepared, or just something that upsets their stomach but what it is might change the feeling of it so there’s definitely variety here. probably also feels heavy but more localized, like they can feel the specific food they ate and where it’s settled in their stomach. might also be painful and cause cramping and tenderness. imo nausea from this is more likely to come in waves and recede but might also be more readily recognizable as nausea. some things I like in this scenario - character thinking about what they ate and feeling worse, imagining they can feel individual parts of their food in their stomach, burping and tasting what they ate (possibly noticing the taste having gone sour / etc in their stomach). good place to describe stuff like how greasy smt was/feeling the grease coating their stomach, or otherwise talk about the specific way the food feels in their tummy and how much it makes them want to puke. unlike with eating too much, they’re likely not to feel better until ALL of the offending food is out of their stomach (while with overeating, they may throw up a few times and then start to feel better once there’s less pressure on their stomach).

general notes - if something the character ate is what’s making them feel sick, a lot of focus on hyperawareness of how much food is in their stomach/how heavy it feels are gonna be big sensory things (as well as maybe taste, pressure/tightness, stomach contents moving around)

illness

appendicitis - if you’re looking for something more serious than food poisoning or a stomach bug, this is sure to end up with a character in the hospital as they’ll need surgery! the big distinguishing thing is pain, which will be sharp and located on the lower right side of the abdomen (or may start near the navel and move down). any kind of exertion or sudden muscle movement can make the pain worse. if the character or one of their caretakers is knowledgeable and suspects appendicitis, they might do the rebound test, which causes pain to get drastically worse AFTER placing pressure on the area and releasing it. sickness usually begins after the pain starts and may get worse when something exacerbates the pain as well.

in addition to nausea and vomiting, other symptoms can include fever, bloating, and bowel issues (either diarrhea or constipation), which will usually get worse over the course of the infection. if the character is treated soon enough (within 2-3 days) they’ll usually feel better after surgery and recover relatively quickly, but if they’re not seen by a doctor and the appendix ruptures they’ll likely need more extensive treatment including antibiotics and a longer hospital stay to make sure they won’t develop sepsis. (in some cases, symptoms could seem to suddenly go away when the appendix ruptures because it releases pressure, but worse symptoms would rapidly develop!)

rarely, there’s also such thing as chronic appendicitis, where milder symptoms may appear and recede over the course of weeks or months before developing into acute appendicitis and prompting surgery.

coughs, colds, strep, etc - can all cause vomiting as secondary symptoms thanks to postnasal drip, throat irritation, or forceful coughing. serious enough throat irritation or buildup of mucus can make a character gag, or feel the need to, and so can coughing up phlegm from their chest. if they’re sniffly and have their sinuses draining down the back of their throat, they may end up swallowing a lot of mucus too which can make them feel nauseous as their stomach gets full of sticky snot. I think these work best as emeto scenarios for characters with weak gag reflexes!

food poisoning - separate from eating something bad because food poisoning from a virus or bacteria is a longer lasting illness with a later onset; the character may first get sick within a few hours of eating the contaminated food, or it may incubate and make them sick within a day or two. like stomach flu (also frequently foodborne) many types can cause both vomiting and diarrhea, but symptoms vary depending on specific cause. characters also might puke early on and then develop more symptoms and become sicker later as bacteria multiply and produce toxins, and may take several days to recover from the later onset where they could have persistent nausea, or might feel okay and even regain their appetite if they don’t try to eat  but be unable to keep much or any food down. most types of food poisoning also cause pain, swelling, bloating, and cramping, usually in the lower part of the stomach and upper intestines, so those are other symptoms your character might have to deal with in addition to puking!

stomach flu - character may be feverish or achy as well as nauseous while their body fights the infection, which is an additional great source of hurt/comfort fuel! can cause both vomiting and diarrhea, so even food they manage to keep down might still sting them later. because it directly causes irritation and inflammation in the stomach and lower GI tract, character might throw up frequently or after every meal, or might be able to handle clear fluids but no solids, or some bland foods but nothing with significant sugar, spices, or fat. they also might only be able to drink or eat in very small amounts without bringing it back up. their stomach may hurt and feel like it’s cramping even if they haven’t tried to eat, and they may get only very brief relief of nausea after each time they’re sick because it reduces the immediate pressure on the stomach but not the inflammation; they might feel nauseous constantly or end up dry heaving even when there’s nothing in their stomach, and might need to keep a basin of some kind nearby for a couple of days since they can’t be sure if they’re done. dehydration is a common complication and can cause headaches, weakness, and dizziness in addition to other symptoms! the most common stomach virus, norovirus, is also EXTREMELY contagious, and virus particles can aerosolize and scatter widely during vomiting, so the caretaker may not be safe either.

injury, other medical

anaesthesia - people react to this in all kinds of ways but getting sick is really common so it can be combined with just about any reaction. character might be disoriented or dizzy and have trouble with balance, walking, other coordinated movement. some might be really confused and have trouble communicating their ideas clearly or say things that might not make any sense to other characters. from the anaesthetized character’s perspective though they’re  probably making total sense so it can also be fun to include their muddled thought process and what they’re feeling or thinking that they express in weird ways! other characters might feel pretty clearheaded and be able to communicate clearly though. they might feel “light” or like they're floating, or very  detached from their body; this may cause more dizziness and vertigo. they may also be cold they might feel nauseous right away and persistently from the anaesthetic irritating their stomach, or might only get sick from moving that makes the “floating” feeling worse. general anaesthetic is usually used for surgery so if they aren’t immediately nauseous the character can also wake up really hungry from fasting before, so eating too much or too quickly might also make them realize they’re nauseous and end up with them puking.

concussion - there are a lot of reasons someone might get sick from a concussion, but the most common (non threatening) are vertigo / vestibular disturbance and headaches! the character might  get nauseous or throw up when they turn too quickly or stand up too fast if their balance center is disrupted, or might have head pain similar to a migraine that makes them sick and can have similar sensitivities. mild concussions without other complications can still last up to a week after the injury, but the character should get sick less and less often as time goes on, so the most intense phase for sickness caused by a concussion is shortly after it happens! Frequently repeated or prolonged bouts of vomiting are often signs of more serious injury though, so if you’re keeping it mild they should probably be brief and a little spaced out even early on, though a character might have intermittent nausea between them. other symptoms of concussion are important too here - big ones are short term amnesia, loss of coordination, difficulty concentrating, and confusion. they might also hear ringing in their ears or sometimes have visual disturbances like in migraines! 

migraine - the pain from migraines can directly cause vomiting, especially when it’s at its peak, but it might also be caused by aura effects on balance and vision! (some people get tunnel vision or “kaleidoscope” vision with migraines, some just get dizzy, some people even hallucinate strong smells or tastes which could also lead to nausea!) for some people, the headache gets better after throwing up, but not everyone; they also might or might not feel the buildup of nausea or persistent nausea throughout their migraine, or alternately might retch or throw up almost IMMEDIATELY when any trigger makes their pain worse (common triggers are bright or flashing light, loud or high pitched sounds, strong smells, and sudden movement, but people have lots of different triggers so they can be a lot of things!) many people can’t chase off a migraine until after they’ve slept so you might also include them trying to get comfortable only to have their head start hurting worse or their stomach get upset and make them scramble to get over the trash bin.

motion sickness - anyone can get motion sick but some people are more prone to it than others! so you might have characters who always get motion sick in any moving vehicle, or who are okay in cars but can’t travel on water, or who only get sick with intense movement like on roller coasters - or characters who aren’t prone to motion sickness in general, but discover they get it when fatigued, anxious, etc. different characters might also experience it differently - for some there may be a cycle of gradual buildup of nausea until it becomes unbearable and they throw up, while for others it might come on suddenly, or they might have low level nausea throughout a trip but only puke when there’s a more sudden or violent movement. some people also only get motion sick after a period of time, and might be fine on short trips but get sick if they’re traveling longer.

other notes: many people who get carsick don’t get sick if they’re driving! being able to get fresh air also helps many people, as well as focusing on the horizon if possible. some people prone to motion sickness will also experience the opposite when sitting still but watching movement onscreen like in a video game. likewise, reading or looking at a still object for long while moving can trigger motion sickness, even in people who are less prone to it otherwise.

[allfather-we-stan]

A little life update "summer 22 with no solid poo"

for anyone who cares lol

as some of you may have seen from my other social medias and here, my health has gone to pretty downhill and I want to share my story and explain bc idk

And for not to scare anyone, no its im not deadly ill. Im prob gonna be just fine.

gross warning i talk about poop

So umm this all started at the end of may- start of june when i started having diarreah. no biggie, i get anxiety diarreah like once a week so i didnt think much of it at the time. Only took me like few more weeks for straight diarreah to realize that something may be wrong lol. So i joked about it and let it be. I call this summer "Summer 22 with no solid poo" and wanted to wait till august to go to doctor. Then i got covid. So i had to wait that out before going to the hospital.

And finally the day I got to go to the doctor and everything was fine, i was supposed to get blood work tested and maybe poop in a container and the doctor thought that it might be celiac-disease bc that runs in my family. But i got fever straight as i got home. I didn't feel so good. The fever continued for a couple of days and then we decided its time to go to ER.

We went there, got bloodwork done etc. Waited there like 6 hours and finallly at 9pm the doctor had time to see me and turns out my inflammatory values were super high and that theyd like me to stay at the hospital for a while. So i stayed at the hospital for 7 days.

In those 7 days they took so much bloodwork from me it was insane! (and fun fact, turns out my veins are shit and no one can find a good spot to draw blood or put an IV tube in). For a couple of days, no answers. They had no idea whats wrong with me. My fever rise and they gave me antibiotics and other meds. Went to the ultrasound and nothing. And then, they had to give me a observation aka "put a little camera up my ass".

But bc i live in a small city theres like one doctor who does that and his schedule was full. So I had long long days waiting for my appointment. And they got me on friday.

But before we get to the camera up my ass part. Hell was loose. They had to "clean" my bowels. And they told me, and I QOUTE "It's either 1: drink two cups of this cocktail that tastes like orange juice or 2: drink 3 litres of water". Obv i took the orange juice! It cant be that bad! WRONG! JESUS CHRIST I WAS WRONG.

As soon as i drank the bad tasting orange drink, i felt like throwing up. Then the pain came. Oh god the pain. It was like level 10 menstrual cramp kind of pain. I was literally crying and screaming bc it hurt so bad. Only thing that helped at the moment was to stay still but i couldnt do that bc i had to shit out the cocktail like every 5 minutes. Many times i thought to just shit my pants on the bed and not let that be my problem. I was in so much pain I was in panic mode. And the worst thing was, no one warned me. They didn't even mention that it might hurt with some people. I don't remember all bc panic lol but i remember this one bitch ass nurse going "Duh its gonna hurt it has big chemicals in it! Even gas can hurt inside bowels". I would have punched her if I wasnt shitting at the time. Then the nurses took their sweet time to get me painkillers and nausea meds. But I couldnt take those bc i felt like throwing up. And then I remember a doctor came. He was nice and explained to me that it hurts bc the orange juice made my bowels like spasm to clean it. I was like "lol thanks for warning me beforehand". Some time goes, they give me that yummy tranquilizer trough IV and I'm high asf. It still hurt but atleast i was high. Then came the cup number 2! I tried to drink it, immeadetly i threw it up like no way that stayed down. And again, panic bc idk what happens next. Do i need to do this all again? Is my bowel clean? Am i gonna be okay? And then i passed out and slept trough the night.

And at this point, on a serious point. WHY THE FUCK IS TELLING PATIENCE THAT THIS THING X IS GONNA HURT SO FUCKING TABOO??? Like i get it, you dont want to scare people but a little heads up would be better than nothing! I just wish someone had told me.

Okay, morning comes, its friday, camera about to go up my ass. they give me nice tranquilizer again, YUMMY. Im high again. they roll me to the operation room, and the nice nurses and a doctor explains whats gonna happen. ( I knew this was gonna hurt beforehand bc they gave me the tranquilizer and figures). At this point they tell me that going up my ass is the hardest part and hurts but after that its easier. Im like okay i can do this, im high and im a big boy! So there i was, laying on my side, doctor rips hole in my underwear to put the camera up my ass. And there it goes, felt weird. Then this stinging pain comes and i curse. Nice nurse lady notices and presses against my tummy and the pain gets easier. They tell me to take a deep breath everytime the pain eases. I do. I'm breathing so good baby you wouldnt believe ( still fucking high). And that thing happens over and over again for like, maybe 3-4 minutes but felt much longer. Sometimes the pain was larger but the nice nurse always pressed my tummy and i, kind of, farted the pain out? It's weird but you get it. Then i hear the words of heaven "We are there"! THE WORST IS BEHIND. I'm happy! I turn around, look at the screen where i can somehow see ( didnt have my glasses) the inside of my bowel part. And i said "ew" and turned my head back. I dont wanna see that. it was pink. Then the doctor spoke something doctorly that i didnt understand. They spend a minute inside my ass doing... doctor stuff and then they took the camera out. It didnt hurt just felt weird, like taking a weirdly shaped long shit. And then they were like "lol we done! We gonna take these samples to the lab asap!" And I was like "you took samples?". THEY TOOK PIECES OF THE INSIDE OF MY ASS WTF.

okay its done, im still high and after couple of hours, they let me go home. I'm happy. I'm feeling good. Life was good. Untill the next morning.

I felt bad again, I threw up at night and I had a mild fever. We call the ER to ask what we do. They tell me that i havent drank enough liquids. So for the next two days I drank so much water you wont believe but i still felt bad and had a fever. So off to ER again!

We went there, they were like lol again bloodwork. At this point im sure i have no blood left. Then we waited and waited and they take some more blood and wait again. Results come back. My inflammatory values were high again. They again want me to stay at the hospital overnight. Hospital booked full. I wait. And finally its time. They take me to a 2 person room, as a 3rd guy. Like it was so cramped and I didnt even have the emergency button. Everything is overwhelming. It smelled like shit. I cried. it was a horrible experience and i can go all night about how shit it was but ill skip it at this point.

So i spend like two nights at the hospital, and they finally have the results in about the pieces of my ass they took. they dont know what it is. THEY HAVE NO CLUE. But atleast they got me meds that work and i dont have a fever anymore. But its like 5 different meds. They make me nauseous and tired. So its not going that well now but atleast im in a good shape to be at home rn.

Im still waiting for more results and follow-up things at the hospital. I'll update as I get to those. Thanks for reading, feel free to ask any questions and stay healthy lmao.

[juuls]

Okay so this may be too much information about throwing up constantly so I’ll put this under a read more. I’m looking to speak with other people with chronic issues with this, nurses or doctors or patients, whichever. I feel like I’ve tried everything.

So. To start with, I have endometriosis (and fibromyalgia which can make nerves in my gut extra sensitive too). I’ve been diagnosed with both for 21 and 16 years respectively.

A little caveat is that I missed a dose of my Depo-Provera bc injection by about 2 months and it may be coincidence that that’s when the vomiting started but it’s been 2 months now back on it and not a thing has changed. I know I have IBS from the endo for sure but although I’ve all my life had a low level of nausea, it’s been manageable.

Until now. Well, starting months ago like I mentioned. Before I went to the hospital or talked with my doc in panic, I was throwing up blood and yellow bile (likely just from esophageal damage?) almost non-stop for 3-4 weeks, every 30-90 minutes. And I’ve tried every OTC in the book. Every time I eat, nope. Bye bye food and half my nutrients. Even the blandest of the bland, Low FODMAP, cutting out lactose, even doing some gluten-free stuff… it helped a bit but not enough.

Finally I went to the hospital and they gave me a script for Pantaprazole (though that works only if the acid is coming from the stomach and not from the intestines) but the best thing was the Zofran (Ondansetron, a chemo and pregnancy level antiemetic) and boy does that stuff work even if it’s $7+ a pill. But it’s damn worth it. Only problem is when I talked to my doc we decided to try just one a day. Well, it’s great when it’s in my system….! Then it’s back to praying to the porcelain gods.

I can’t go anywhere. I can’t eat even close to properly even with bland foods. I have to sip my drinks slowly (and almost entirely cut out caffeine). I can’t brush my teeth properly because of all the acid in my mouth.

In short, I’m goddamn miserable and I want to sob so much and so often (I at least cry every now and then) and my family is loving but they don’t really like talking about my health problems unless they think I really need to do something.

I’m trying to get in to my doctor earlier than Nov 3 (today is the 1st) because of course I’m out of Zofran but he’s so busy all the time I seriously doubt it, even as an emergency fit in. But the hospital told me not to come back for ‘trivial matters’ — ticked my whole family and doctor off, that bit.

Other items of note…

Had huge nausea problems like this from about 12-17.

Always get a bit nauseous at that time of the month even if I don’t bleed.

My mom ended up getting her gallbladder removed ages ago due to nausea and other issues.

My current meds are trintellix, elavil, clonazepam, pantaprazole, and the Zofran I am out of till Thursday because fuck me I guess. Tried CBD/THC mix (have a script but don’t use it much) and I’m not sure if it helped the nausea or not so I stopped.

I take lactase if I have yoghurt or other dairy things.

I try to take probiotics when I can.

OTC: Tums, Gaviscon, backup Pepcid (antacid), lots of Gravol/dramamine, sudafed with tylenol (doc asked me to cut the NSAIDs out for now), zyrtec or loratadine, whichever I can find cheaper, and Buscopan (an antispasmodic for the gut)… and puppy therapy.

About all I can keep down is gatorade, peppermint or chamomile tea, and diet ginger ale.

My father is diabetic but I am not (I have my own testing kit because my blood glucose is near the top of high normal). This morning with no food I had 4.4mmol/540 mg/dl which isn’t terrible.

Fresh air and showers help but can be and almost certainly are psychosomatic.

I vary between not feeling hungry at all and my tummy grumbling but it’s not worth it so if anything I take some saltines and reeeeeally slowly nibble on them. Still comes up later but eh, win some lose some since it at least stops fhe grumbling a few hours.

The foods I most tolerate (read: more time between eating and throwing up) are rice, scrambled eggs, those small hashbrown things, broth or soup sometimes with noodles or rice, and saltines. Lovely.

Nope, no Covid-19. No flu. Not for 3 months of this shit. No h.pylori either (ulcer bacteria). Had that checked at the hospital that first time when they told me I was wasting their time. Ugh.

But I’m thinking of asking for the most ridiculous levels of blood testing and urinalysis as well as see how quick I can get in for a barium test, endoscopy (hopefully not the other end but that may be unavoidable) and who knows, maybe even a contrasting or not CT scan.

I supposedly have a referral to a gastroenterologist but in Canada during Covid that can literally take over a year. If I can take Zofran till then/till my tests, I think it’ll be survivable/manageable to a degree.

Can’t take the other antiemetics because apparently they mess with SSRIs like elavil and trintellix but if it’s a better fit then fuck sleep and semi-coping with life—the constant nausea is pretty much erasing those benefits anyway.

If all this is just “one of those fibromyalgia things” I will fucking scream.

But for all my parents don’t much like talking about my health, my dad has sure been hovering and very concerned and that almost makes me even more scared.

It’s literally never been this bad before, even when I was a youth. But you know what they found with blood and barium and endoscopy tests and medication? Jack. Fucking. Shit.

Please ask me any clarifying questions if you’re willing to help. DM is best but hey, not like I’m keeping things very private here. ^ Sorry, eh. :P

Please help.

Also, have a kitten in a sack because he can always lighten the mood. ;) Say hi, Havoc!

[whatgoeswhumpinthenight]

A Devil’s Deal Part 2

Part 1 || Next Part

Taglist: @whumping-out-of-time

TW: wounds opening, dehumanization

“Now mutt you’ve healed up decently well, get up, you’re getting cleaned.” Zariel was impatient, he had just gotten a new toy and wanted to play with it, Apollo on the other hand could barely move.

“Yeah that’s not happening, too many injuries.” Apollo was blunt, if Zariel was going to ignore them Apollo would point them out.

“No mutt I recognize them but you smell horrendous, are covered in blood and grime.” Zariel stopped for a moment thinking to themselves. “Since your a mutt will you do it for a treat?”

“Do I look like fucking scooby-doo?” Apollo did not like that idea, stooping to the level of a dog.

“Fine. Apollo to the bath and get clean.” Zariel spoke in a stern, controlling tone.

“Like hel-” Apollo’s body was moving against his will, many of the wounds that only recently closed opened, his bones moved and shifted from their resting points, pain coursed through him with every breath, he let out pained shouts through gritted teeth with every step.

“If you had just agreed I would have had you transferred via wheelchair but no you had to argue mutt, a dog should listen to it’s master.” Zariel sounded genuinely disappointed in Apollo for not listening but Apollo couldn’t hear him over focusing on staying conscious, to Zariel the walk to the bathroom was only a few minutes, to Apollo it was an eternity of torture. “Good were here, Araimis help clean this dog, he’s been given his orders so don’t expect a fight.” An old demon butler nodded and took Zariel’s place in leading Apollo.

“You probably should have listened to him, while the pain of the wounds is understandable.” Araimis went over to a medicine cabinet and pulled out some pain killers and force fed a few to Apollo. “We need to clean your wounds to stop incection, remove any silver from bullets, and stitch up up those now open wounds, your healing is affected so this is to get you into tip top shape.” The pain started to recede after taking the meds, Apollo was starting to understand what was being said.

“F- Fine.“ Apollo allowed himself to be cleaned, stitched up, have little bits of bullet fragments be removed and as it finished he felt his body healing faster then before, though the blood loss was a pain for keeping awake, nausea washed over him. “I wanna puke.”

“Seeing how you’re on an empty stomach with only drugs running through you  so that makes sense,” Araimis brought Apollo some clothes, it was a butler’s outfit with dog collar placed atop the folded clothes.

“I’m not wearing that.” Apollo stated bluntly. “I’m no hound, and I’m no servant.”

“So if I asked Young master Zariel to come here he-” Apollo cut Araimis off by grabbing the clothes. “Ah glad you changed your mind.”

“I’m not wearing the jacket though.” Apollo was rolling up the dress shirt sleeves to just above his elbow, sloppily did up his black tie, and put on his dog collar, Apollo would have loved to keep the collar off but he knew if he didn’t wear it Zariel would force it on him. “Better?”

“Yes, you look good for a mutt.” Zariel was now leaning on the doorway. “Now come along mutt, we need to feed you before we head out.”

[cali-holland]

Scares- Tom Holland One Shot

Pairing: Tom Holland X Reader

Requested by Anonymous: Hi! Can I request a Tom Holland x reader oneshot where they've been dating for around 2 years, she's been feeling ill recently and hasn't thought much of it, but one day when she's with Tom and his family she passes out and at the hospital is diagnosed with Cancer? And Tom stays with her throughout everything until she passes away. thank you

Prompt: You thought it was just a pregnancy scare, but it was so much more.

Word Count: 1800

Warnings: hella sad, pregnancy scare, mentions of sex/STDs, cancer, hospital scene

A/N: I didn’t feel comfortable writing a death scene, so it’s kind of an open ending

Masterlist   Tom Holland Masterlist

*Gif is not mine*

~~~

“Are you sure about this?” Your best friend asked you, pacing a little as she waited for you in the hallway.

“I’m late. What else could it be?” You replied, unlocking the bathroom door to let her come inside. She sighed and stepped inside. You set the small pregnancy test near the sink, waiting for it to show you the results.

Normally, you wouldn’t immediately attest your period being a few days late to a pregnancy scare, but lately, you’d been nauseous, fatigued, bloated, and you even had strange food aversions- all things you knew to be signs of pregnancy. You intended to go on the pill a while ago, but you never got around to seeing your gynecologist about it and now you really wish you had.

You’d been with Tom for 2 years- today was your anniversary, in fact, but that didn’t mean either of you were ready for a baby. He was busy with work, his career was taking off and jetting him to different corners of the world monthly. And you weren’t ready for the life of a single mother if he left you.

“It should be done by now.” Your friend spoke up, yet neither of you dared to look at it.

“I can’t look.” You said quietly, fearing the worst. She looked at the test and let out a sigh of relief.

“Negative.” She smiled softly. You weren’t pregnant, and you couldn’t be more relieved from the news.

“Thank god.” You breathed out, “You don’t think I should take another one, do you?”

“Look, you’re probably just stressed. It’s normal for your period to be a little bit late. And maybe you ate something that didn’t quite sit well the other night.” She reassured you. 

“You’re right. I’m just overreacting.” You shook your head and threw away the test.

“When’s the last time you two-?”

“This morning.” You admitted, making her laugh. “It’s our anniversary.” You insisted, before adding, “It kind of hurt though.”

“I don’t need to know how rough your morning was.” She stated.

“No, not like that. It was painful, and that’s not normal.”

“Isn’t that an STD symptom, not a pregnancy symptom?”

“Shit, I hope not.” Hearing the front door open, you knew Tom was home from his meeting with his manager and you should probably get ready for your date.

“I’m going to go. Call me if you need anything.” Your friend gave you a quick hug before leaving, greeting Tom briefly as she left. You let out a groan, leaning against the counter as you felt a wave of nauseous hit you.

“Everything alright, darling?” Tom asked from the doorway, confused as to why your friend had been over unexpectedly and why you were in the bathroom. The moment you saw him, all concerns about the pregnancy scare left your mind.

“Yeah, it’s fine. How’d the meeting go?” You smiled, forcing the nausea away. Tom wrapped his arms around your waist and gave you a kiss.

“So boring, but we got some dates lined out for next year. I gotta take a quick shower, and then we’ll go to dinner?”

“Sounds like a plan.” You gave him another kiss before exiting the bathroom to get ready in your room.

You were finishing your makeup at your vanity a few minutes later, wearing a red dress that Tom had gotten for you, when he called out to you from the bathroom.

“Yes?” You asked and he opened the door, a towel wrapped around his waist and water droplets falling from his curls.

“Did you- did you take a pregnancy test?” His voice faltered a little, nodding back at the trashcan in the bathroom.

“Um, yeah,” You admitted, standing from the vanity and taking his hands in yours. He smiled hopefully and you shook your head, feeling guilty for disappointing him, “I just haven’t been feeling well lately, and my period’s late.”

“Those tests aren’t always accurate though, right?” He asked, a glimmer of hope still in his eyes.

“I’m going to wait a few more days before I try another one.” You said, “Besides, are we really ready for that?”

“As long as I have you, I’m ready for that.”

“But I don’t think I am.” You confessed, your heart falling as you felt that your words would upset him. You knew that Tom loved kids and that he wanted them some day, but you were both too young for that. “I want to have kids with you, just in a few years. Don’t be upset with me.”

Tom gently kissed the back of your hand, smiling softly at you. “I’m not upset with you. We’ll have kids when you’re ready, it’s your body doing all the work.” He laughed lightly, before kissing you. “Next time, tell me when you take a test.”

“Hopefully, it won’t be for a while.”

“Are you feeling better, though?” He asked, brown eyes filled with concern.

“Just a bit nauseous and fatigued, but I’m probably just stressed.” You repeated your friend’s words, hoping it’d convince your body you were fine.

“Do you still want to go to dinner? We can stay in.”

“No, no, you made us reservations already. I’m fine, let’s go.” You reassured him, stepping back to continue your makeup at the vanity.

Later that night, the moment you got home from your anniversary dinner, Tom’s lips were hungrily on yours, all worries from earlier gone. Never breaking the passionate kiss, you two stumbled to your bedroom until you were on the bed with Tom over you. His lips traveled down to your neck, sucking and licking to leave a mark, while his hands worked their way up your dress. He was lost in the heat of the moment, but you started to feel the same wave of sickness wash over you.

“Tom,” You breathed out, but he took it as a good sign, moaning into your neck. You shoved his shoulders a little, “Stop.” And his mouth was instantly off you, his eyes finding yours.

“Are you alright?” He asked, worried.

“No.” You clutched your abdomen as it started to hurt.

“Darling, talk to me. What’s wrong?” Tom was starting to freak out and it didn’t help as tears stung your eyes from the uncomfortable pain.

“Can you get me water and- and some pain meds?” You whimpered out and he was quick to hop off the bed, running off into the kitchen.

Your eyelids started to grow heavy, and the last thing you heard before the world went black was Tom calling out your name, dropping the water and pills in the doorway to run to your side.

~~~

Tom paced around the hospital lobby anxiously, the whole “only family” rule not allowing him in to see you while you lay unconscious in a hospital room. It had been a couple hours since he’d brought you in, and he was slowly starting to lose it. He got out his phone, about to call your friend for the eighth time to ask where she was, when he heard her call his name from down the hall.

“What the hell happened?” She asked, running up to him, the same look of worrying fear in her eyes.

“She was just suddenly not feeling well, and she was in pain. I went to get her some meds, but she passed out when I came back.” He explained.

“I swear to god, Holland, if you gave her an STD-” She started and he raised his hands defensively

“Don’t you think I’d be sick if I had an STD.” He stated. “What makes you think this is an STD?”

“She said your morning sex hurt.”

“She didn’t tell me that.” Now Tom was really worried. Not only was something wrong with you, but now he had unknowingly hurt you.

“Mr. Holland?” A nurse said, coming up to him, drawing his and your friend’s attention away from the previously rather uncomfortable topic. “She’s awake now. You can come see her.”

Tom felt his heart just about jump out of his chest as he followed the nurse down the hall with your friend beside him. When the three of them entered the room, you had different monitors hooked up to you through various tubes and tears in your eyes. Hearing them come in, you looked up at them and smiled softly.

“Oh, Y/N.” Tom breathed out, rushing to your side. He pressed a kiss to the top of your head and held your hand in his. “You scared me so much, darling.”

“What is it?” Your friend asked from the foot of the bed. 

“Well, I’m definitely not pregnant and it’s not an STD.” You laughed lightly, but the humor of it was lost in the dreary hospital room.

“Y/N,” Your friend urged. You let out a shaky breath, your eyes falling to your hands. You couldn’t bear to look at Tom or your friend.

“It’s cancer. Ovarian cancer.” You whispered quietly, and Tom tensed beside you, his hand squeezing yours.

“They can do something about it, right? Chemo? Surgery? Anything?” Tom insisted, his own eyes washed over with tears.

“It’s stage 3.” You spoke up, finally looking at him. “It’s spread throughout my abdomen. My family has it on both sides, and I guess it’s incredibly difficult to detect it early on.”

“But they can do something? I can’t lose you.” Tom’s voice broke as he began to freely cry. With your free hand, you wiped away his tears.

“I’ll need to get surgery, and then go through chemo, but-” You paused, not wanting to say the finalizing words.

“A hysterectomy? You’ll never-” Your friend caught herself short as Tom looked between the two of you, waiting for one of you to finish.

“Tom, I can’t- can’t have kids.” Your own words made you cry; you couldn’t give him the future you both he knew wanted, the future you both wanted.

“That’s alright, darling.” He reassured you, though you could tell it was hurting him. “I just need you, nothing else.”

“The chances, Tom- they’re low. Only half-” You started, but he cut you off with a kiss.

“You’re the strongest person I’ve ever met. You’re going to make it through this.”

You slid over in the hospital bed, making room for Tom to climb in beside you and gently cuddle you, mindful of your abdomen. None of you knew what the future would hold, but as long as Tom held you, your future felt a little brighter.

[booitislife]

Let’s Talk About Periods

My period is horrible. I have heard people who don’t get periods say: “It can’t be that bad.” Yes, yes it can. Some studies suggest that cramps can be a worse pain for women than a heart attack. My period technically starts a few days before bleeding. I get a period flu. A period flu is a few days of unexplained illness and flu-like symptoms (low grade fever, chills, etc) a few days before your period starts. I didn’t used to get this, but my body decided I needed this. The first time I got it, my doctor put me on antibiotics thinking I had a sinus infection. (She is proactive about fevers because I am a transplant patient).

My minor symptoms are bloating, diarrhea, lethargy, sometimes headaches, I get irritable, my breasts hurt for a few days, and some other lesser inconveniences. However - my biggest two issues? Pain and bleeding.

Bleeding - I bleed for eight to ten days every month. Usually the first one and last two of the cycle are light. I tend to have one or two very heavy days, depending on the month, and when I say heavy - I mean clots. Lots of them. I will soak through a ten hour pad in less than two hours. I have lost so many pairs of underwear. I now have “period underwear” that is darker or just old so I don’t care if it gets stained. The rest of the days are moderate.

Pain - This is the worst part of my period. I start cramping on day one and I usually don’t stop until the second to last day of my period. When I say it’s bad - I mean excruciating. I was once taken to the hospital by my mom because I couldn’t breathe right during cramps. The doctors rushed me in, thinking I was having a miscarriage, a burst cyst, or maybe appendicitis. They did lab work and ultrasounds. While I was waiting they gave me fentanyl, which is 80-100x stronger than morphine. I could still feel the pain. It dulled it, but didn’t negate it. The doctor came back in shock - there was nothing wrong. No miscarriage, no cysts, and my appendix looked great. These were just the cramps I was going to have to live with. I was given pain meds for every month - 20 - to deal with that I’m going through.

I have a few period journal entries that I would like to post. If you don’t want to read, please scroll down past the blue writing. Sadly, these are only four of dozens of examples.

September 17, 2020 - Day 5 of my period.

Woke up with horrible cramps that were so bad I was shaking. Slept on the couch again because I was tossing and turning so much from the pain. Didn’t fall asleep until nearly 4. Passed a clot which, usually by day 5, will alleviate some of the pain, but it didn’t. The exhaustion took over and I fell asleep until about 11:30, but when I woke up I was so tired I could barely move.

November 16, 2020 - Day 4 of my period.

I could not sleep last night. The pain is intense and comes in waves. The bleeding started to get heavy a little after 7AM. It’s a little after 8:30 when I’m writing this and I have passed 2 large clots and probably 5-6 smaller ones. I soaked through 1 pad already. I’m going back to bed and hopefully sleep for a few hours. Woke up with horrible cramps. Haven’t been able to get out of bed. Managed to get some food down to take my antibiotic, but that’s it. I am exhausted and the pain is radiating to my knees.

February 9, 2021 - Day 3 of my period.

I finally fell asleep around three, but I woke up a little after five with searing cramps. They went down my legs and around my back. I could barely think straight. I took meds, tried meditation, used a heating pad. Nothing helped, I finally passed a big clot and the pain subsided. I moved to the couch and was almost asleep when the pain started again around 9. I did everything the same - meds, meditation, heat. I’m going to try to get some more sleep.

April 14, 2021 - Day 2 of my period.

Having trouble getting to sleep. After taking pain meds and using pain cream on my back, the pain is just getting worse. I almost fell asleep, but woke up in pain. It’s 1:30 AM, and I am heading downstairs to lay on the couch with my heating pad. I can’t get comfortable and the pain is getting worse. It’s 5AM. I still can’t sleep. The pain is very bad. I just want to sleep through it and I can’t. Couldn’t sleep. The pain has somehow gotten worse over the afternoon. As of right now, I have pain meds in my system, pain cream on my back and abdomen, I took a very hot bath, and I am now laying with a heating pad. I am still in searing pain. I can’t do this much longer. I burst into tears a few minutes ago. Why won’t someone help me?

I have asked doctors, so many times, to have a hysterectomy. At first I was told I was too young. Then? I was told my husband would need to sign off on such a procedure. My husband was more than ready. If anything, he was just overtly appalled that he would have to do that, or that any doctor worth there degree would ask that. He asked what it would take for him to get a vasectomy. They said just call a urologist. “Would she have to sign off?” He asked indicating me, and when he was told no he said: “This is a ridiculous double standard. booitislife can make her own choices.”

I have seen 6 OBGYN’s in the last 8 years. The first told me I was too young. She offered a procedure called an Endometrial ablation. It does greatly reduce the bleeding issues. However, I wasn’t really worried about the bleeding - I was worried about the pain. She told me it wouldn’t really do anything for the pain, so I said no. I have to be careful with my transplanted kidney and any kind of anesthesia can be dangerous.

The second OBGYN was a man in the same office who was also conducting a cervical biopsy on me. I’ll never forgot the intense flash of pain and how I nearly yelled, but I did start to cry. According to my husband there was blood spray on the floor as the doctor looked up at me and said in a condescending voice - “That doesn’t hurt! Come on!” And then he laughed. He wouldn’t even discuss a hysterectomy. From that biopsy I learned I have pre-cancer on my cervix and underwent a LEEP procedure. They use a hoop wire heated by electric current to scrape off the parts that could become dangerous.

The third was about a half an hour away at a bigger hospital. He was the guy who did an endometrial biopsy on me. Different than the cervical biopsy, this was just a precaution after something looked off. He wasn’t as condescending as the others, and that biopsy came back normal. However, he wouldn’t do the hysterectomy either. He said I should go to a doctor in a hospital that has a transplant team - seemed reasonable.

Between the 3rd and 4th doctores I had been doing my research. I went to my nephrologist that was keeping track of my transplanted kidney, and told him about my struggles. He said he saw no issue with me getting a hysterectomy and, in fact, I should. He even confirmed with the current head of transplant from the hospital I had my transplant surgery in. So, I was off - feeling more confident. This new OBGYN was a doctor at my transplant hospital.

The fourth OBGYN - or as I call him “The Biggest Mother Fucker I had the displeasure to meet”. He dismissed a lot of my concerns quickly, and talked to me as if I didn’t know anything. Then, he asked if I wanted to try an IUD. Now, I have nothing against anyone who gets an IUD. If that is for you, and it’s working - awesome. I know my brain. I know my brain would focus on everything bad an IUD could do. I politely explained this to my doctor. This wasn’t an option for me. My panic would go crazy. He wrote some things down and told me he wanted to to a procedure just to check for any cancer cells that could be hiding, but (and oh yes, there was a big but) he would only do the procedure if I signed yes to getting a Mirana IUD. I had to sign a consent form before he would even schedule the procedure. So, I did. Then I canceled my procedure and never went to see him again. Oh, also, this asshole handed me pro-life pamphlets on my way out.

The fifth OBGYN - more trusting, no results. At this point I was exhausted. I was tired of trying and being let down, fighting to get an appointment. This OBGYN was a woman and she worked in the same office as the second guy I went to. I laid it all out for her. I told her what the previous doctor did. I told her about the pain, about not being able to barely move. I poured out my heart and soul to her. She empathized, then told me she did not feel comfortable doing my hysterectomy. Because the uterus is close to the transplanted kidney, she thought I needed a specialist. A type of doctor called an OBGYN oncologist. As luck would have it, there was one on staff at my transplant hospital. I waited and waited for an appointment. I waited for over a year. Finally they called and said they were just too booked. They had one doctor who did it, and it was most dire cases first. I understand that. So, I wasn’t angry or frustrated this time. The office at the hospital asked me if I would like to see another OBGYN on staff. I said as long as it wasn’t OBGYN Biggest Mother Fucker I had the Displeasure to Meet. I asked if it could be a woman and we set it up.

Okay, the last one for now. The OBGYN they set me up with was a resident. She seemed nice at first. We sat and talked about my pain, the exhaustion. She wanted to talk birth control options. Great. Her advice to me was to stay away from the shot and the implant. She agreed about the IUD not being right for me. So, she said she wanted me to start talking the pill. I stopped her. I had been on the pill twice. Once when I was 16, another time when I was 24. Two different kinds. Both times I had side effects. The most prominent was this intense stomach cramp. I would get headaches, nausea, extreme weight gain. I couldn’t live my life. I told this doctor that and she didn’t even look at me in the eye when she said...... “Well, I won’t even consider a hysterectomy until you’re on six full months of birth control.” It didn’t matter what other symptoms I had. It didn’t matter what I was and wasn’t comfortable with, not really. So, here I am, looking for lucky number 7 when it comes to OBGYN’s.

As I sit here tonight, losing a lot of blood through clots, being so tired I can’t think, but in too much pain to sleep. I found myself so angry. About an hour before I started writing this I had a pretty big panic attack. I haven’t had one of those in a long time. But - Tuesday night I slept for three hours. Last night I slept about five. Tonight it is almost 3 AM and I’m still awake. The pain is exhausting, but also keeps me awake. It also makes me tense. So, parts of my body started tingling. Instead of my logical side taking over and saying, “Yeah, you have been clenching for four days. You’re gonna feel odd things.” I convinced myself I was dying and had to take medicine. I am so tired on a deep level. I don’t want to have to go through this anymore, and I don’t know if that makes me sound selfish... I just.., I DON’T WANT TO GO THROUGH THIS ANYMORE.

So, here we are. If you experience cramps like I do, I am so truly sorry. You don’t deserve them, and if I could do something to help you - I would in a heartbeat. People should not have to live like this. Doctors should listen to us and hear when we say that something like this is, genuinely, detrimental to our lives. If we want permanent birth control whether it be our tubes tied, an ablation, or a hysterectomy - it’s our body. We should decide what we can do with it. Please don’t stop fighting. Please don’t stop advocating for yourself. If you ever need to talk, I’m here. Have a good night, anyone who reads this. Thank you for reading this long-winded rant. Take care of yourself.

[seokstyle]

critical condition (m) - 2

pair: hoseok x reader, light jungkook x reader (series) themes: med student!reader, nurse!hoseok, lots of medically-related flirting genre: smut, some fluff, future angst warnings: jealousyyyyy, alcohol, nothing too crazy (yet 👀)

you knew that your first rotation as a medical student was going to have its challenges. you did not anticipate one of those challenges to be dealing with a handsome ER nurse who won’t give you a break.

word count: 4k

part 1 | masterlist

“No, I am not going to call in pretending to be your dad and tell the ER secretary you’re sick.”

“Some friend you are, huh Joon,” you slump back in the cafeteria chair. “You know I would’ve done the same for you. They would’ve bought it if I told them it was food poisoning! AND,” you point your plastic knife at him for emphasis, “I could have given them a differential on what I think caused my symptoms, but no,” you grumble.

“Oh, come on, you know they would never buy it,” Namjoon laughs as you pout. “Weren’t you telling me a few days ago about how things have gotten a little easier?”

“Well... they kinda had, but-”

“No, no buts!” He puts up his hands to stop your protests. “No more selling yourself short! You even got praise from the attending, right?”

You nod hesitantly. Yes, you had told your friend about how the case presentation had gone okay with the tough-to-impress attending earlier, and you definitely had been a little more relaxed on your rotations since that day. Riding the confidence boost from that performance, you had been impressing the resident and attending physicians more and more with each day since.

“See? Besides,” Namjoon continues, “what good would it do to avoid whatever is bothering you? We don’t run from our problems, Y/N. We face them head on!”

You listen quietly to your friend’s lecture, twirling spaghetti around your fork and cursing his tendencies to slip into motivational speaker mode. Unlike you, Namjoon was blissfully unaware of what had transpired that day with Hoseok.

But you were definitely, definitely aware of the last time you saw him. And also aware that the reason you had been so relaxed was that you hadn’t had overlapping shifts scheduled with Hoseok since then.

Until today, that is.

You had no idea what to expect. He wouldn’t do anything to jeopardize your evaluations; you trusted him enough to know that. But still, a 12 hour shift with Hoseok on your team after that stunt he pulled? It was filled with too many uncertainties for you to stay calm at this moment.

“Hey, are you okay?” You snap out of your thoughts. Namjoon is looking at you, concern etched across his features. “I know I’m messing around, but you have nothing to worry about. I promise.”

You smile. “I’m okay, Joon, I promise.” You extend your pinky out to him, a gesture to show you really meant it. He grins, wrapping his pinky around yours and squeezing. “Now go! You’re gonna be late!”

“Ah, shit,” he curses as he glances at the cafeteria wall clock, springing up from his seat with his dinner tray in hand. “Good luck, you got this!” he calls out to you, as he makes a mad dash back to the pediatric wing. You slump back in your seat with a sigh. Yeah, you’re gonna need all the good luck you can get.

You had continued under Seokjin’s charge for the past few days, and he had been gracious enough to not bring up the elephant in the room of what he had walked into that night. He had texted you last minute this morning to let you know he was off today and you would be under another resident’s charge tonight. You were thanking your lucky stars. After seeing how red his ears turned when he opened the supply closet on you both, you don’t think either you or Jin could have survived a shift with all three of you there at once.

As your luck would have it though, you and Hoseok have arrived at the same time, and before the resident. So now you are both here alone. Together.

He’s standing off to your left, reviewing charts assigned to you both on the mobile computer station. “So, how was your week without me? I hope you didn’t miss me too much,” Hoseok teases. You stiffen in response, avoiding eye contact. Were you supposed to pretend like you hadn’t been caught in a supply closet together in a very implicated position a week ago? Suddenly the floor tiling pattern seems so much more interesting than it did the last time you were in this part of the ER.

Hoseok frowns. “Hey, is everythi-”

“Hi! Are you Y/N?” You startle, turning around to see who is calling you and have to physically stop your jaw from dropping open. Yet another incredibly handsome man in scrubs has appeared in front of you, trying to read your work badge to confirm your identity. Is it a requirement to be unbelievably attractive to work at this hospital?

Oh! This must be the resident Seokjin told you about!

“Yes, that’s me! And you must be Dr. Jeon?”

He laughs. “Please, call me Jungkook! I look forward to working with you,” he smiles and offers his hand. You shake it eagerly, noting the intricate tattoos adorning his arm. You hope you will be half as cool as him when you’re a resident. “Dr. Min had an emergent situation come up in trauma but he told me to handle admissions on our own for now.”

He turns his attention to the person behind you. “Hey man, it’s been a while since we worked shift together. How have you been Hoseok?”

“It’s been all right, it’s good to see you too,” Hoseok greets him, and you chance looking over in his direction. He grins at you and winks, and you feel your cheeks warm. Suddenly the floor pattern is of top interest again. “I think you’re going to enjoy working with Y/N, she always keeps me on my toes.”

Jungkook sent you in on the first case of the day alone. He said that he wanted to see how you perform so that he can better give you tips and pointers on how to improve, and that you can see the rest of patients that day together after he has an idea of what he’s working with. Hoseok is scribing for you, the mobile computer pulled over to the side of the room by the door while you work up your patient.

You list off whatever you’ve covered so far. You know you got HPI, social history, family history, past medical conditions, medications, and review of systems when you were taking the history. You performed the cardiology exam, pulmonary exam, abdominal exam (which you will never forget again), but nothing else seems to come to mind.

Still, you run through your mental list again in your mind to be sure. It was important to you to nail the first patient presentation of the shift. Making a good impression on the new resident was critical, especially seeing how it took days before the last attending had full faith in you again.

You turn to Hoseok out of habit to ask him. Before you can open your mouth, he turns and raises his eyebrows at you, staring back blankly. “Yes?”

You are taken aback, but press onwards. Surely he’ll be professional in front of a patient. “I just wanted to double-check with you if there’s anything you think might be pertinent that I might have overlooked?”

He raises his brow again, then turns back to type away at the computer. “I think you’ve made it clear you’re plenty capable of handling things without my help, don’t you think?”

Though he isn’t facing you anymore, you can hear the smirk in his voice. You turn away from him, annoyed. You were completely on your own for this one. You smile at the patient, who is wincing from pain and probably wants you out of his room as soon as possible. “I think I’ve asked and examined everything I need to at this time, sir! We will be back with the doctor shortly, and I’ll see if we can do something to manage your pain in the meantime.”

The three of you decide to set up shop at a computer station embedded into the emergency department hallways, just outside of the infamous conference room where you last made a fool of yourself in front of the attending and Seokjin. Hoseok is scribing off to the side, waiting for you to dictate your findings. He turns in your direction waiting for you to begin, and you nearly snap your neck trying to avoid eye contact with him.

“Okay, Y/N, ready when you are,” Jungkook says, smiling at you encouragingly.

You take a deep breath. “Our patient is a 55 year old male presenting with epigastric pain that radiates to his back. The pain began earlier this afternoon and was not relieved from taking Tylenol. He rates his pain as a 9 out of 10 in severity, constant and dull in quality, and the pain is relieved only from lying completely still.” Jungkook hums in agreement, scanning the chart while you present. You scan your mind for what else was most relevant from your discussion with the patient. “Social history is significant for alcohol use for the past 35 years, he says he drinks around 2-3 beers every evening. Family history was insignificant. Pertinent positives from review of systems include severe nausea and vomiting accompanying onset of pain earlier today.”

“Okay,” Jungkook muses. “That was a really thorough history, nice work. What about the physical exam?”

“Vitals showed a fever of 101.6°F, tachycardic at 110 BPM, and hypotensive at 110/70. On abdominal exam the patient had decreased bowel sounds and exhibited tenderness and guarding upon palpation of the upper quadrants, especially. Cardiac exam was regular rate and rhythm, no murmurs or rubs, and lungs were clear to auscultation bilaterally.”

Jungkook nods approvingly. “Very good! You’re a natural,” he remarks. “I liked how you organized info, and didn’t just word-dump everything or forget critical components. How long have you been in the ER?”

“This is my second week.”

Jungkook raises his eyebrows. “Only week 2 and you already have your own style and prioritization put together? I’m impressed.” You beam from the approval, not noticing how Hoseok’s usually cheery disposition has been replaced by a sulk as he watches the resident praise your presentation skills.

“So,” Jungkook finishes going over the chart and turns to face you directly. You can’t help but feel a little nervous despite his praise, especially when all of his attention is on you. “What’s your differential?”

“Well,” you start a little nervously, “top of my list is definitely acute pancreatitis, especially since epigastric pain radiating to the back is textbook for that condition, along with heavy alcohol use and nausea & vomiting. But,” you add quickly, remembering how Seokjin advised you to not latch on to one diagnosis when examining a patient, “it could also be… acute peritonitis! Or a neoplasm!”

Jungkook laughs. “I appreciate you offering multiple differentials, that’s always good to get in the habit of thinking that way. Though it sounds to me like your original was pretty spot-on.” You smile again and Hoseok mopes a little more as he types away at the computer.

“Actually, do you want to know a tip on how to confirm acute pancreatitis while you’re still doing the exam?” “Of course! That would be great, if you don’t mind,” you answer excitedly.

He grins in response, getting up from his stool and motioning for you to sit down in his place. You do so, a little confused, and he comes around to stand beside you. You realize that he’s going to show you how to do the trick on you. Oh. “All you have to do is sit the patient upright like this,” he places his hands on your shoulders, “and bend them forward like this,” he gently pushes you over until you’re hunched over at a 45° angle. “The pain should be so much better because the pancreas won’t be stretched out as much!”

You know it’s strictly clinical, but you can’t help but blush at the close proximity and the feel of his hands on you. Right at that moment, you happen to look up and meet eyes with Hoseok. He turns away abruptly and you barely see it but his expression... was that… jealousy?

“See? It’s super easy!” He pulls you back up to a normal sitting position. “Sometimes those patients will even be in a fetal position because it does the same trick while they’re laying down. Neat, huh?” You nod eagerly. “Now go check in on your patient and see if that maneuver helps confirm your diagnosis or not.”

“Thank you so much, that’s so helpful! You’re the best, Jungkook, what would I do without you?” you gush, touching his arm lightly as you get up to leave. Maybe you’re overdoing it a little, acting too exaggeratedly. But it’s worth it to see Hoseok’s jaw set in annoyance as he keeps typing away at the computer.

Jungkook is taken aback slightly, but smiles and nods in response. “Of course, it’s no problem! Now let’s go check on your patient together and see what a good assessment and plan would be for him.”

The rest of the shift flys by, to your surprise, and before you know it’s already time to clock out. You’re finishing up the last of your notes at one of the computer stations when you see Jungkook approaching. Usually Jin says his goodbyes and leaves you for the last hour so he can finish up loose ends. Was he coming over because you messed up something? Did you forget the write-up for room 4? Or sign off on room 8’s chart incorrectly? Or bring someone apple juice instead of orange?

“Hey,” he interrupts your panicked mental checklist, “I wanted to say thank you for making my shift a little bit easier and a little bit more fun,” he says, smiling warmly. “Some of the other staff were talking about going out for drinks later if you wanted to join?”

You’re a little dumbfounded from the offer. The cool resident wanted to hang out with you? You must be taking too long to reply, because Jungkook starts offering more details unprompted. “No pressure of course,” he adds. “The other residents were inviting some students so I thought I’d ask, not to overstep any boundaries or anything,” he continues a little nervously, “and I had asked a few of the other nurses like Hoseok to come too -”

Hoseok was going?

“But seriously you don’t have t-”

“I’d love to come! It’s so sweet of you to invite me,” you respond suddenly, taking both of you by surprise. “I’ll uh, get your number from Seokjin, let me know what time and where. I look forward to it!” You swipe your badge and log out, done with your notes, leaving Jungkook behind in his confusion.

Jungkook had texted you the location and meet-up details right as you were leaving your house, having taken a quick nap and freshened up after your shift before heading out again for the night. As you enter, you spot Jungkook sitting in a booth with a few of the other ER staff. You spot some other familiar faces, like the two radiology techs always glued at the hip, and of course Hoseok. You involuntarily suck in your breath. His crisp, white button-down under a leather jacket paired with ripped black jeans is so simple, yet still puts his scrubs to shame. He looks up from his conversation with one of the radiology techs (was that one Jimin, or was it Taehyung, you can’t remember), as if he felt you staring, but Jungkook gets up before either of you can react.  

“Hey! You made it, Y/N,” he greets you excitedly. “Here, let’s sit over at the bar for a bit.” Not with everyone else? Not with Hoseok? “Thank you so much for coming, it’s good to see you.” He pulls the barstool back and gestures for you to sit down, in very chivalrous fashion.

“No, thank you! I forgot I haven’t been to this bar since before board exams, and I missed it so much,” you sigh. Many drunken birthday and post-exam celebrations were made here during your first two years of medical school. “I think I deserve a drink for what this rotation has put me through already,” you tease.

He laughs in response. “I think that’s only fair. What would you like?”

Wait he’s actually buying you a drink? You were just joking! “Oh no,” you protest, “that’s okay! You don’t have to do that!”

He laughs again sweetly. “I know I don’t have to, but I want to! Think of it as my treat for the fun I had thanks to you today.” He gets the bartender’s attention. “This place has the best green tea shots, would that be okay with you?”

You nod your consent a little tentatively, and Jungkook proceeds with his order. The last time you had green tea shots here was after your gross anatomy final. To this day, neither you nor Namjoon can remember what happened that night. You do know that you woke up with a tray of fries in your bed the next morning, so it must have been a good time either way.

“All right, here you are!” Jungkook passes you your shot glass. “To a great shift, and many more together!” He lifts the drink in cheers, clinking glasses with you.

Right as you are about to tip the drink back, you make eye contact with Hoseok over Jungkook’s shoulder. His eyes are steely and he looks like he is fuming inside. If Hoseok was jealous of you getting clinical skill tips from Jungkook, you can only imagine how riled up he must be from seeing him buy you a drink. You shouldn’t be excited, but you can’t help but feel a thrill run down your back by seeing him react like this.

You tip the drink down your throat, keeping your eyes locked with Hoseok the entire time. The burn from the alcohol feels good and the shot is sweet, but seeing his jaw clench in anger is even more delicious. Last time he got to be so bold with you, it was only fair for you to reciprocate, wasn’t it? “Here, Jungkook,” you turn to the resident, “how about another round? This one’s on me.”

Hoseok has had it.

It’s already been hard enough faking paying attention to whatever Jimin and Taehyung have been going on and on in some passionate discussion all night before you made your entrance. Something about a video game about animals? That cross over horizons? He couldn’t guess if he tried. But ever since you had arrived, he couldn’t stop glancing over to your and Jungkook’s silhouettes every few moments.

It also didn’t help that you had shared round after round of shots with Jungkook. Giggling away at whatever jokes he had been making, resting your hand on his bicep, fluttering your lashes at him. And still had the audacity to look over at Hoseok and bite your lip every once in a while. He was infuriated. You had been too meek and timid to talk normally when you were at work, to the point that he was worried he had upset you or made you uncomfortable. He didn’t even get a chance to check in with you and clear things up. But you suddenly had the nerve to send him suggestive stares while another man was buying you drinks?

He needed to clear his head.

He gets up and excuses himself for the restroom, leaving Jimin and Taehyung alone to fervently argue over the turnip economy crashing and Tom Nook’s capitalist ways. He enters the single stall bathroom, turning the faucet on to splash his face with cold water. He looks at his reflection in the mirror. Get a grip, dude, he thinks to himself. He would have to get your attention later, when you were sober, and finally talk things out. Maybe the next time you were on shift you would let him. He just had to prepare himself to get through whatever show you were trying to put on tonight.

He grabs the handle, takes a deep breath in, and turns it to come face to face with you, letting out a little “oh!” sound of surprise. He takes in your doe-eyed appearance and stops dead in his tracks.

He had thought you were pretty when you were running on 6 hours of sleep (on a good day) in your ratty hospital scrubs, hair tied up and errant loose strands strewn about your face, coffee in hand as you ran from end to end of the emergency department. But this blew that out of the water. The red jumpsuit you had picked had a tasteful level of cleavage, just the right mix of sexy but still classy enough to wear in front of professional colleagues. That combined with a red-stain pout, long lashes, and your black peep toe heels, he feels a little bit breathless as he drinks you in.

Actively ignoring how his heart skips a beat, he stops checking you out and instead steels himself to question you on why you are a) unwilling to talk to him, yet b) trying to eye fuck him AND the resident at the same time, and c) following him into the bathroom.

“What,” he starts firmly, “are you trying t-”

“I’m sorry!”

He’s startled from your sudden outburst. “What?”

“I just wanted to say I’m really really really sorry for lying about and saying that you were the one who messed things up when it was really me who messed things up,” you ramble. “And I made you look bad and you’re not bad, you’re always good to everyone! You’re always good to me!”

Hoseok can’t help but to chuckle, confusion coloring his laugh. “What are you talking about?”

You sway on your feet and stumble a bit forward towards him. He catches you, restoring your balance and holding you steady by the shoulders gently. It is very apparent that you are drunk, likely the drunkest you have been in a long time, but you don’t let that deter you. “The really bad day! Where I messed up the physical exam and said it was your fault!”

Oh. He is taken aback; he had no idea that you were carrying around so much guilt over this. Was that why you had been avoiding talking to him at the hospital? “Well,” he begins, “would it make you feel better to know that your apology is accepted?” You contemplate his words, humming to yourself, then nod. He smiles. “Okay good, because I really don’t mind that much. I didn’t know you were that upset about it though,” he adds.

“Well, I have been,” you huff. He bites his lip to keep a laugh from escaping. “That’s what I’ve been wanting to tell you for foreverrrrrrr but I didn’t get a chance!” You close your eyes, buzzing with contentment, a weight lifted off of your chest. He smiles for a split second at your reaction, until you suddenly open them again to eye him suspiciously. “Hey, wait a minute,” you exclaim, gears turning in your mind. “I didn’t get a chance because someone,” you poke him in the chest with your finger to emphasize your point, “decided to force me into a closet,” you poke him again, “and make me all hot and bothered instead of listening! So really,” another jab to the chest, “it’s your fault that I’m feeling guilty!”

“Hey, easy now!” Hoseok grabs your finger before you can poke him again. You pout at him, trying to free yourself from his grasp to no avail. It makes his heart melt, just a little. He pulls you in closer with the finger he’s holding, smirking at your surprised expression.  “If I remember correctly…,” he leans in to whisper in your ear, hearing your breath hitch, “I don’t think you had many complaints, did you?”

a/n: long time, no see, i know! i got caught up with school and studying this year but quarantine has my creative juices flowing again, so i’m planning on finishing this series soon (fingers crossed!!). thank you so much for reading,  i hope you enjoyed it as much as i enjoyed writing it!! <3 

[another-writer]

Begin Again: Chapter 5

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Word count: 3.1k

We finally have a part 5 I think I could cry. I know this has been a long time coming. I’ve been away from Tumblr for a while and very recently have just felt an urge to finish this series and write a little more. I’m sorry to everyone who was waiting for the next part at how staggeredly this series is being posted. I really hope you guys read it and enjoy. As always, feedback is appreciated!

Warnings: Some pretty kind-of-graphic descriptions of blood and dizziness, stitches (skip the first few paragraphs and then there’ll be a couple in italics further down)

Tags are at the bottom, let me know if I’ve missed you or if you’d like to be tagged :)

You kept one arm locked around your abdomen and the thin razor-like slash where blood was pooling and sticking to your shirt. Your other hand was gripping the bar of your motorbike with as much strength as possible as you cruised sloppily at an alarmingly decreasing speed back to the compound. Noise in your ears was starting to mute; the afternoon sun began to dim.

The words of the stranger ringing alarm bells in your head and making you go dizzy. Your vision was getting hazy. You pulled up onto the side of the road after half an hour and tripped over your own feet as you sat down against a concrete barrier and tried to regulate your breathing; with trembling hands from blood loss, tore the left sleeve of your shirt and wrapped it tightly around your midsection. Blood painted the palm of your left hand and seeped quickly through your makeshift gauze. It felt like there was a lead block in your gut. God, you couldn’t breathe.

You wanted to make it back to the compound, but you knew it wasn’t wise. You leaned back so you were lying down as your head felt heavier and after taking a few deep breaths, you pulled your phone from your pocket; you called for an ambulance and then, unsure of how long they would take, you called Sam.

When you regained consciousness, you were in the compound’s hospital wing. In your peripheral vision was Sam.

As fuzzy as your mind was, all you could think was, Did the ambulance turn up?

‘It did.’

Sam’s voice was distant but it jolted you back to reality; your clothes were so sticky and the gauze was soaked in your blood and the dark spots you had started to see were clouding your vision. 

‘I need to see Tony,’ you said breathlessly. 

'FRIDAY, I need Stark in the med bay.’

Your eyelids were starting to droop again, as though they were being weighed down. 

‘Sam ...’ you breathed.

‘I’m here,’ he said. ‘The stitches tore when we transported you here; close your eyes, keep breathing, I’m gonna re-do them.’

You rested as Sam injected your abdomen with a numbing agent and fished a suture kit from a med cart. Your mouth was dry. There were concentrated traces of blood still on your hands. Your abdomen still stung but you relaxed as as the numbing around it grew while Sam stitched your wound.

You peeled your shirt back down after he finished wrapping gauze around you, sitting up when you spotted Tony march in looking less than happy.

‘What the hell happened?’ he demanded.

You, in all honesty, were still trying to comprehend the situation yourself.

‘Let her breathe, Tony,’ Sam warned, demeanour easing slowly as you began to regain a healthy colour in your complexion. 

Once the overwhelming nausea passed, you opened your eyes, blinking heavily. 

‘You remember those agents you caught wind of?’ you murmured, voice unable to go any louder. 

Tony blinked and furrowed his eyebrows; he turned back to Sam as if unnerviced by his presence, who pursed his lips as he hooked you up to an IV and then disposed of his gloves. It seemed to shake Tony out of his angry bravado.

‘Where?’ he asked more calmly.

‘Queens,’ you replied. ‘Some strip mall, pretty remote.’

Sam passed you what seemed to be a granola bar. You stared at him.

‘We keep snacks here.’

‘This doesn’t count as a snack.’

‘Your low blood sugar says it does.’

‘My low blood sugar can speak for itself and it’s saying it wants a brownie.’ 

‘Brownies later,’ Tony grunted. ‘Did they say anything?’

Your hands were still numb from the blood loss; Sam noticed how pale they were and he held your left hand and began massaging the tips of your fingers and easing you into making a fist slowly, stimulating the bloodflow back into your fingers. As he did so, you clenched your right hand into a fist on your own, getting the feeling back.

It was all so fuzzy in your mind, you could barely remember the details.

‘Most of their conversation was in Russian,’ you said. ‘But to me, they mentioned you ...’ Your stomach shrank. ‘They talked about a soldier, I think. When I remembered you guys had got intel on Hydra agents around here, I sort of pieced it together.’

You bit a chunk off the granola bar held loosely in your right hand and chewed slowly, finding it difficult to eat but the numbing of your fingers told you that you had to get something in your system before you passed out.

Tony clenched his jaw and squeezed your hand, staying silent. He wouldn’t meet your eyes.

‘They wouldn’t come here, would they?’ you asked. ‘I mean, who actually knows the compound’s location?’

‘It’s not Hydra’s style to start a siege,’ Sam dismissed, seemingly unthrown by the information that only Tony supposedly knew. ‘It is ours, though.’

‘Which means we have to find where their base is.’

Your words pulled Tony back to earth. ‘You’re staying here. I’ll figure it out.’

You rolled your eyes dismissively. ‘Could you not act like the hero this time and just -’

‘You’re staying here,’ he interrupted sharply. 

Your mouth was open but no words came out. Tony had never used that tone with you. It was almost parental,which was unfamilar territory from him. 

Tony was breathing steadily. ‘I can’t send you home in case they find you,’ he said, almost to himself as if thinking out loud.

‘Barnes wanted to see you,’ he muttered, making a point of looking away and tapping the screen of his watch. ‘FRIDAY’ll alert him that you’re up.’

Having stayed quiet with your thoughts for a moment, you found they were culminating, and said, ‘Can I have, like, fifteen minutes on my own, please?’

Your voice was so small that Tony looked up at you with mounting concern in his eyes; trying to stay calm for you, he asked, ‘Are you okay?’

You felt your eyebrows crease, and a slight pressure in your throat, but you nodded, not in the mood to talk at that moment. There was still dry blood on your hands and your entire torso was sore. You felt suspended from everything around you as the last hours began to sink uncomfortably in your memory.

‘Fifteen minutes, and we’ll figure it out,’ you managed. When you were alone, you leaned back and closed your eyes, breathing in and out at regular intervals through your nose.

Perhaps Tony felt that giving you more time than you asked was inappropriate given the context, and that he was too worried to leave you alone. You had moved with difficulty to a chair by the window, cupping a glass of water, needing to hold onto something, as if you didn’t know what to do with your hands.

He knocked on the door gently and opened it a fraction, giving you time to protest before he walked in and closed it behind him

‘Tony,’ you began hesitantly, ‘I don’t know if it’s a good idea to keep anything from the others anymore.’

‘We’ll get to that,’ he said, pulling a chair next to where you sat. ‘How are you feeling?’

‘Nothing is where it shouldn’t be,’ you said, smiling lightly, heart dropping when Tony didn’t return the sentiment.

‘I don’t want you hurt,’ Tony said, ‘you can fight me all you want on keeping you away from what we do but you’re not gonna win.’ He looked thoughtful, mapping out his words carefully in his mind as he tapped his chin in uneven increments. ‘But I need you to know that we can protect you from getting shot. What none of us can control is how you feel.’ He let out a heavy breath and leaned forward, his next words important. ‘It’s my job to do what you did today, it is not yours. I can’t have you in my position.’

You bit the inside of your cheek, turned to place the glass on the window sill, needing a second to look away from him, and then breathed out steadily. ‘Tony, I’m so sorry.’

‘You haven’t done anything wrong.’ He shrugged hesitantly. ‘It’s weird, right?’

You couldn’t help but smirk, huffing a short breath from your nose at his words, you rubbed your eyes with your forefinger and thumb and rested your cheek on your hand.

‘’ve never been in that position before,’ you murmured, eyes watering slightly. ‘In case it wasn’t obvious,’ you added. Your words made his eyes soften, like he was relieved you were talking to him. ‘I dunno ... I knew who they were and what they wanted but, I didn’t want them dead.’

‘And I never want you to have to make a choice like that.’

You bit your lip and asked hesitantly, ‘Does that make me a hypocrite?’

‘Look, sometimes we have to make tough choices,’ he replied, ‘which is what you did. Not wanting to do it again but knowing that you can rely on the rest of us here - that doesn’t make you a bad person.’

You nodded, unsure of what to say. ‘Are you okay?’

Tony looked at you. ‘I will be.’ After a beat, he added, ‘I should call a meeting. You up for it?’

You blinked, eyebrow raised, his question throwing you off.

‘You want me there?’

‘Frankly, I’ll need you for this one.’

It took you a while longer than usual to stand and make your way to the living room where everyone else was waiting, even with Natasha helping you. With what Tony had told you before, that Ross controlled what information was shared and what was withheld, you realised only he, Rhodes, and Natasha were of those present who knew what was happening.

Bucky’s face paled when he saw you sat in an armchair; perhaps he had been filled in, but you weren’t sure. You supposed you simply wore the last couple of hours on your face.

‘Jesus Christ,’ he swore under his breath. ‘Tony said that you ...’ Bucky breathed out heavily, running a hand through his hair. ‘Are you okay? What happened to you?’ His fingers went under your chin, tilting your head up slightly and he frowned, running his thumb with the softest touch over your jaw. You almost winced and figured a bruise must have formed.

You bit the inside of your cheek and shielded your nerves. Now definitely wasn’t the time to go all googly-eyed - especially since the rest of the team were filtering in. You had to figure out how to be careful about this - how to disguise the fact that you were all hiding something from Bucky. Not only you, but Tony as well.

‘In my defence,’ you tried. ‘A lot of people hate Tony.’

‘Why would they go after you?’ Bucky asked, sitting on the stool in front of you, his eyes flitting from yours and then down to your wounded abdomen where there was still a blood stain, the concern ever-prominent.

You weren’t sure yourself. But you supposed that even after it’s official collapse, Hydra had methods of reviving information. Then again, you weren’t supposed to allude that Hydra had made a move on you.

‘I’ve been in and out of the compound before,’ you guessed. ‘I’ve been with out Tony, they must have guessed that I’m close to him.’

‘What did they want?’ But it sounded like less of a question and more like Bucky had already hazarded his own guesses.

You were interrupted (or perhaps saved) by Tony.

‘I want it on the record that everyone who signed the Accords technically hasn’t done anything wrong,’ Tony began, ‘because [Y/N]’s the one who called us here.’

‘Thanks,’ you deadpanned, rolling your eyes at the sudden spotlight on you.

You hoped that everyone’s reaction would be as nonchalant as Sam’s was; you expected it as such, they weren’t incredibly dramatic people. Relatively speaking. But you worried about how Bucky would react to you keeping something like this from him. You knew logically that you didn’t owe him anything, but you remembered a fear of his was having the past several decades repeat themselves; techincally, you had kept a secret related to that fear. But there wasn’t much you could do except tell the truth now with Tony’s blessing - if you had done so before, you might have compromised the agreement he had made.

‘There’s a Hydra base in the state,’ you said. ‘Or, we think it’s Hydra. The only reason you don’t know is because those guys got the info on a recon mission and they were bound by the agreement not to tell you.’

It was, by a longshot, the most intimidating situation you had ever been in. You quickly realised that Steve could be almost scary when you weren’t on his good side.

‘How long have you guys known for?’ he asked, seeming to direct his frigitidy towards Tony, Natasha and Rhodes, more so than you.

‘Not long,’ said Natasha.

‘How long is a long time? It’s all relative, so I never know,’ Tony supplemented.

Bucky’s complexion paled and his breath hitched quietly but like his throat was caught in a vice-like grip. His tongue ran over his lips as he hesitated with what to say. You weren’t sure whether to prompt him or to keep going without addressing him directly.

‘How did you find out?’ Steve asked you.

‘I was curious?’ you said, almost as if guessing if that was the right answer to Steve’s question. ‘Tony’s the one who trained me, obviously I was able to get through his security - he’s just lucky I don’t hate him otherwise it could’ve turned out very differently for you guys.’

‘And you were stabbed.’

‘Yeah, thanks Tony, and I was stabbed in Queens. And they mentioned the word ‘soldier’, so make of that what you will.’

‘How many are we looking at here?’

‘We can’t tell you that,’ said Natasha. ‘Less than what we’ve seen before.’

‘Bucky?’ you prompted softly, pressing your fingers into his gently, uneasy with his minimal response. 

‘’m fine,’ he said. And his stoic demeanour told you that he wasn’t fine but he wasn’t also wasn’t surprised. It wasn’t news to him, it was confirmation. ‘So why hasn’t anything happened since?’ 

Tony was stone-faced. ‘We answer to someone else now. And they wanted to wait.’

‘Well now that we know, we’ll take it into our own hands.’ You wondered if Steve had meant to sound so commanding, or if he automatically went into his military mode by habit.

Tony didn’t seem to have an issue. ‘FRIDAY can run a scan but without fingerprints or hair, there’s no chance of finding a match.’ 

You picked up on the momentum in the room and figured you could check up on Bucky afterwards; right now all that would seem to make him relax was a decent plan. As you shifted in your seat, your stitches making your abdomen feel itchy, you held your hand over the area trying to soothe it, catching sight of the state of your hands. They looked disgusting, but you also had an idea.

‘Well,’ you began cautiously, ‘... how about a blood sample?’

You cried out when you felt the man sharply drag the knife across your abdomen, a blunt, stinging pain echoing from your torso to your ears. Without even thinking, you kicked your legs out, slamming your heel on the man’s foot, causing his grip around your neck and on your hands to disappear, and kicking the back of his right knee, knocking him to the side. You held him swiftly by the back of his neck and kneed him in his groin, reached behind you and threw your coffee over his eyes and swiped the knife from his grip. 

You grabbed the chair next to you and threw it across at the barista, leaping between his legs, dodging his right hook and grabbing his left fist, pushing him back and making him lose his balance, and stabbing the knife through the bridge of his foot, ears ringing with the pitch of his screech. You kicked him down and slammed his head with the chair, knocking him out cold. 

Blood had slowly began to gather across your stomach but you ignored the pain as you twirled the knife between your fingers and sliced it through the first man’s back, pushing him backwards so that he fell on his front side, breathing heavily as you tried to keep yourself conscious. You kept an eye on him as you edged to the other side of the room to retrieve your phone, and as you walked out of the door. Both men didn’t move an inch.

You held out your right arm, your fingertips stained with not your blood, but his. ‘There’ll be some on the edge of my sleeve from the jacket I was wearing,’ you added airily as if you were commenting on the weather.

You had more attention now than ever. And you didn’t like it.

‘I left them alive,’ you said. ‘Just, self-defence and all.’

Tony sighed, rubbing his hand over his heart. Panic attack. ‘Nice work,’ he muttered eventually, voice distant. ‘Bruce, think you could -?’

You watched Tony and Bruce leave, unsure if you were more worried about Tony and the inevitable stress this would cause him, or angry that he was trying to be overly noble and protective. You were distracted by Bucky sliding his hand away from yours, missing the warmth of his calloused palm.

‘How do you feel?’ he asked quietly.

The adrenaline rush had already worn down. You had single-handedly wielded a knife and taken down two trained agents. It was messy, and you were scared and alone. You still felt scared because of what could happen next. As much as you knew they were bad people, you didn’t have it in yourself to leave them dead. You were worried they had died after you left.

‘I’m sorry you didn’t know,’ you said, ‘and about what happened to you. But I - I dunno, I couldn’t kill them.’

Bucky huffed shortly from his nose, taken aback by your reply. ‘They were trained, there’s no way you could have -’

‘Bucky, no, that’s not what I meant,’ you said, a lump developing in your throat. ‘I mean,’ you cleared your throat, trying to speak casually, ‘you’re right, they were much better than I was. But,’ you shook your head, ‘I didn’t want them dead because of me.’

Not wanting to focus on yourself too much, you turned the conversation before Bucky could reply. ‘How d’you feel?’

Bucky, thankfully, picked up on your discomfort, and he shrugged in reposne to your question. ‘Part of me isn’t surprised,’ he said wryly. ‘You don’t have to tread so lightly around me, I thought you knew that.’

‘No, I did, I just ...’

‘[Y/N], I don’t need to be treated like I’m fragile.’

‘I’m sorry,’ you muttered; for some reason the words were bitter in your mouth. You didn’t exactly enjoy apologising and frankly, you were embarrassed and ashamed with yourself that Bucky now saw you as someone who treated him like glass.

‘I didn’t mean to make you feel like that,’ you said sincerely. ‘s just that you said you were afraid of this happening and I didn’t want to ... be the bearer of bad news,’ you said pathetically. 

‘I can take it, okay? I can’t deal with a problem if I don’t know it exists.’

You weren’t sure what exactly Bucky was feeling but, there was an underlying hostility in his voice that you weren’t sure if you were imagining or not.

‘Sergeant Barnes, Mr Stark needs you in the main lab.’

The AI’s voice rang out from all around the room. 

You quirked an eyebrow. ‘Tony has FRIDAY calling you Sergeant?’

Bucky blinked, coming out of his thought process. ‘I-I know, right?’ he said, sounding uneasy. ‘I was kind of expecting ...’

‘Frosty?’ you guessed. ‘Popsicle?’

Bucky flicked you lightly on the forehead, and you gasped mockingly at him.

‘Looks like Tony found him.’

‘What makes you say that?’

‘He didn’t ask me to come,’ you said.

The conversation you had had with Tony weighed heavily on your shoulders. The last thing you wanted was for him to worry about you.

Tags: @lauraonly @mytastereckless @hedakylo @wefracturedmotivation @eternal-queen @dontfuckwithkezolas @fanfictionreblog @mrs-brxghtside @sociallyimpairedme @lexbugz @ephemeral-high @engineeringgirlcve @sleepretreat @rosemist​ @kayuwu-nii​ @holyheadharpiesplayer @thesummerbucky​ @aspoonfuloflanguage​ @baebeepeach @cdwmtjb8​ @jihugawa​ @genisawkward​ @beezyg​ @disgustingpatdstan​ @letterstomyself21​ @shesthelastjedi​ @forever157​ @hawkeyethenerd-blog​ @d-eracine​ @merandalynnvarela @ijustwantahugfromtennant​ @shirukitsune​ @buckysblondie​ @thatoneslytherinbeater​ @fantasticchaoticwho​ @mischiefsthings​ @buckysonfire @benedrylcumbersnatch​ @marvel-fan-queen​ @nutellakirb​ @casssr​ @our-neverland-world​ @ifont @multisposts​ @whyugottabsorude @gothemmafrost​ @buckyyyybarnestrash @millie-m-falcon77​ @multifangorl​ @ohnosiren​ @kynthiasaints​ @topthis808​

[iguessthatthisisitfornow]

Med log Day 2

Sup bitches i live. It is day 2. I did not sleep well last night. Last night i struggled to get to sleep due to the nausea, headache, and my poor excuse of a sleeping schedule. Got maybe three hours of sleep, but the good news is I'm probably gonna sleep well tonight! It's been probably 9 hours since I took the meds, and i only have my usual minor end of the day headache which is good. I took my meds when I got up and the first hour and half was really productive on the chore side of things. Finally brought my lamp upstairs, cleaned a table, loaded AND started the dishwasher, cleaned up my room a bit, and even had a few social victories too! And then i ate breakfast, and everything changed. My uncle's girlfriend made me a delicious breakfast, and I'm so thankful for it it was amazing, but pretty quickly afterwards it was like i didn't take the meds at all? I did some research and so much of that breakfast was really vitamin C heavy, and that apparently does not go well with my prescription? I mostly blame the juice though. But I still got a lot of things done, so i cant be too disappointed.

When I took my second dose of the day I really noticed the difference not only from the morning, but also from yesterday. I didn't experience any head pressure, and i don't have a headache now, so I'm thinking that was a unique happening so far. After the second dose i got more shit done, including a full project for my game design class and started on another one! I also mowed the lawn, and that was a bitch, but i did it. I even got my laundry done and made a shopping list for when I run errands. I did a LOT of scheduling too, updating the communal calendar and my planner. I even remembered to text my neighbour.

Sadly, I'm still horrible at remembering things, especially what I've done earlier in the day, but I can only hope for so much. I did notice that I remembered a few things that i very likely would of forgotten before, so there is improvement! Still feeling calm which is nice, and i notice it especially when interacting with other people.

Tomorrow is going to be rough though, as my uncle is having friends over and i have to socialize, which I'm kinda uncomfortable doing with seniors and there adult children. Ngl, really hate the friend's son, so I'm crossing my fingers that i don't accidentally say something i should of kept to myself. If worst comes to worst, I'm feeling pretty confident that if I say I'm feeling not great my uncle will let me leave so there's that.

I've come to the conclusion that I'm gonna need to take my iron supplements at night instead of the morning since foods that go well with them hate the new meds, but that probably won't be much of a problem.

I'm also definitely noticing the lack of appetite as a side affect. Realized about 5 minutes into writing this that all i had was breakfast at like 7 am and then a slice of bread at like 6, so I'll have to go eat after this. I'm really use to not eating regularly/eating only when my body goes 'bitch you need to eat', so this is probably going to be the biggest adjustment i have to make

I'm keeping a more detailed log physically that i plan to keep updating in the morning when I wake up since I'm too tired at the end of the day to actually write currently, but logging it, vaguely, here helps reinforce the memory so i don't forget as soon as I fall asleep lol

Overall: tired, hopeful, grateful, and a little bit hungry

(just remembered that i need to check the restaurant we're going to tomorrow's menu so i don't have a repeat of this morning, last minute much ? Haha)

[clericbyers]

will finding out about mikes nightmares at a sleepover one night. mikes never told anyone because he always felt like he had no right to, because of everytging wills been through. will just cuddles him and tells him that of course he’s gonna be there for him, always. they’re both so in love.

[ part 1 - part 2 - part 3 - part 4 ]

crossposted to AO3

————

“We’re gonna hang with the Party tomorrow, yeah?” Mike asked as he searched through his dresser for a too-large t-shirt. It had the Hawkins High mascot on the front and he cringed to himself about being one of those people wearing their high school’s logo.

Will though hummed an affirmation from his perch on Mike’s bed. “Lucas said he’s coming over in the late morning. We’ll bike over and grab Dustin before heading to Max’s place.”

“And from there, we go into town for lunch.” Mike took off his shirt and absentmindedly stretched his arms up. He could feel Will’s gaze on him and he smiled to himself before grabbing a pair of boxers. “I’m gonna shower; feel free to snoop around or whatever.”

“Your room hadn’t changed a bit since I was gone, Mike.” Will scoffed but slipped off the bed as he padded his way to Mike’s side. “I doubt you have something to hide that I need to snoop for.”

Mike froze and really tried his best not to glance over at his desk where his antidepressants and anxiety medications resided. The bottles were in a black bag on his desk hidden away in a corner. There was something about seeing the transparent orange bottles that reminded Mike of his inability to take care of himself without aid and that reminder wasn’t one he wanted to literally see every time he came into his room. He still hadn’t found a way to tell Will about his meds or the therapy or how he heard his parents fighting and a divorce might be down the line. Will had enough issues to deal with anyway. Now that they were boyfriends, it was harder for Mike to keep the secret.

Friends don’t lie. Boyfriends especially shouldn’t lie.

Yet, here Mike was, lying through obfuscation. Never saying exactly what’s up and leaving things vague enough to not be questioned.

A wave of nausea struck Mike’s gut and he turned to his door with a shudder. “Yeah. Anyway, shower. I’ll be quick.”

Mike left the room with a quick peck on Will’s cheek. His mind was racing through various emotions, landing guilt and regret and anger and self-deprecating thoughts laced with anxiety and anguish. By the time he got to the bathroom, which wasn’t far, Mike was having some trouble breathing and he hated it. He hated the panic, the shaking of his hands, the way he couldn’t maintain basic control of how his body reacted. What type of leader was he to be losing it in the bathroom face to face with his gaunt and paper-white pale reflection? His freckles stuck out even more against his pallor skin and the boy closed his eyes with a deep breath.

Breathe, Mike remembered his therapist saying when he had an anxiety attack in the very first session where she asked him how he felt powerless about losing his friends. Breathe, focus on the five seconds you hold in your air, and then let the thoughts flow out of you as you breathe out.

Mike did as previously directed until he could no longer feel his hands shaking. He turned on the water and showered for a few minutes, taking a little more time to let the warm water massage his back with gentle pressure and calm his tense muscles. He dried off and changed in the bathroom before heading back to his room with a whistle. Will was flipping through an old comic book but looked up when he heard Mike enter the room.

Mike nearly dropped all his clothing at the sight before him. It wasn’t anything new persay; Will often word Mike’s clothing if he stayed over without packing a bag, but this—Will wearing Mike’s old t-shirts and pyjama shorts, Will wearing his boyfriend’s clothing—was definitely shocking at least. It struck Mike again that Will was his boyfriend and it wasn’t a fantasy he had been trying to ignore for years. It was only five days since Christmas Eve when Joyce and his mom accidentally revealed to the two boys that they liked each other, so it was still fresh enough in his mind, but little things like Will in his room wearing his clothing made Mike realize all over again that the boy of his dreams was really his boy in real life.

“God, I love you,” Mike whispered hoarsely, tossing his clothes in the hamper before rushing to the bed. He grabbed Will’s face and tilted his chin to kiss him. Will melted into the kiss with a soft hum. “I love you so much.”

“Love you, too, Mike.” Will pulled away and reached out to take Mike’s hand. “Any reason you’re suddenly telling me?”

“Do I need a reason? I get to tell you how I feel every day for the rest of our lives. You can bet your ass I’m gonna take every chance I can.” Mike watched Will blush furiously and he couldn’t help but kiss him again. “You and me? Best thing I’ve ever done.”

Will pulled at Mike’s shirt and flopped with him onto the bed. It was too small for the both of them, what will Mike’s height already making the bed a little too small for him on his own, but they made it work. Mike unfortunately had to squirm his way out of Will’s arms to turn off the lights but he was quick to return to Will and curl up next to him.

“Have you been thinking about any New Year’s wishes?” Will asked as darkness began to settle in the room.

“Not really. One of my wishes ended up being a Christmas gift so I have nothing else to desire really.”

“You’re talking about me, aren’t you.”

“No, I’m talking about the new Zelda game Dustin bought me.” Mike nudged his boyfriend and then leaned in for a kiss. He missed and hit only the corner of Will’s lips, which made Will laugh.

“I love you,” the smaller boy whispered in a content sigh. “It’s crazy that we can say that now. I don’t have to be afraid of loving you because you love me, too.”

Mike nodded and took a hand to Will’s hair as he brushed his fingers through it. “I was really scared I would lose you so I never said anything. And then El came into our lives.” Mike closed his eyes. “I love her but I was wrong for trying to force her to be with me. I knew it wasn’t working but I still tried. I thought we could work it out.”

“Hey, she forgives you, you know. She also thought it could work it out. She wanted it to work out just as much as you did.”

Mike still felt guilty for it all. For wanting El while loving Will. For trying so hard to ignore where his feelings really lied even though at the end of the day he still imagined waking up in the morning next to Will for reasons he never wanted to explore.

“I hurt her and I know she’s still in pain about it. She can barely stand to be in a room alone with me.”

Will overlayed Mike’s hand with his own. “Heartbreak takes time to get over. You were her first love and letting that go is painful. We should know.”

Mike laughed sarcastically. “Yeah and we failed miserably.”

“I’m glad we did,” Will kissed Mike’s nose. “My point though is that El needs time to heal and learn to be your friend again. She forgives you, trust me. She didn’t want to end things but she knew what would be best when she called it quits.”

Mike closed his eyes and listened to Will’s slow breathing. “Yeah. Do you think she’ll be happy about you being with me?”

“Of course.” Will hummed. “We’ll tell everyone on New Year’s Eve as planned. Only two days away. Get some rest now, okay?”

“Mmhmm.”

Sleep came easily when his mind managed to stop worrying about his friendship with El. The sleep itself? Mike could barely remember what he dreamt about. Things were hazy and unclear but there was blood and screams. Screams from his friends, from the people he swore loyalty to, from his mom who knew nothing and he hated the fear he had with telling her the truth. It consumed him until he couldn’t breathe, until he couldn’t hear anything but someone shouting in the distance. It was faint against the background of El’s sobbing, of her screeches as she pulled the wriggling slice of the Mind Flayer from her leg. Faint against the screams of Will burning for hours from the inside out, tears streaming down his face as he writhed in agony. Faint against the worries of his mother finding him vomiting in the bathroom one night from crying so hard and taking him to therapy that very next day despite having school.

(And god, how embarrassing it was to miss track meet and come the next day with a doctor’s note because Mike couldn’t get a stupid fucking handle on his runaway thoughts.)

“Mike!”

The boy woke from his terrors with a choked gasp, legs flaying as he struggled to escape from the blankets that suffocated him. There was a hand on his arm and he tried to pull away from it with all the strength he had, which was a lot thanks to his extra curricular studies. Mike tumbled off the bed and the shock of the fall managed to bring him back to reality. Will was hovering over the edge with wide eyes and fright screaming in his posture. Mike blinked his way out of the remains of his nightmare and felt guilt filter to the top of his emotions.

“Will,” he gasped shakily, feeling the wetness of tears drenching his cheeks. “Will, I—I didn’t mean to.”

Will climbed off the end and knelt beside Mike. He took Mike’s face in hand, ever so gentle and soft, and kissed one of the tear streaks his nightmare had drawn on his face. “It’s okay. I’m here. I’m right here, love.”

Mike couldn’t stop crying. “It’s not—it’s not usually this bad.”

“What isn’t?”

“My dreams.” Mike closed his eyes and Will kissed his eyelids, a featherlight touch on his wet skin. “My nightmares.”

“Is it often?” Mike nodded. “How long?”

“Since the Snowball.” Will tensed and Mike pushed the boy’s hands from his face. “It’s not a big deal.”

“Mike, you were crying in your sleep and kicking around and yanked yourself from my hand so hard you catapulted yourself from your bed.” Will took Mike’s face again and pressed their foreheads together. “You can talk to me about these things. You’re not alone.”

“That’s what my therapist keeps saying and yet here I am, still fucking doing this!” Mike motioned to himself on the floor and then collapsed in on himself. “I can’t make it stop, I can’t tell anyone about the truth, I can’t control myself even with my medications and the therapy sessions, it just gets bad again after everything is good.”

“Mike,”

“And sometimes, I don’t sleep and I won’t take my sleep meds so I don’t have to face that shit again, don’t have to see El sacrifice herself or you—I thought you were dead, Will. I thought it was real.” Mike covered Will’s hands with his larger ones. “I thought you were gone forever and I never got to tell you how I feel.”

“Mike, I’m here. I didn’t die. I’m right here with you.”

“Yeah, that’s the problem though. I haven’t actually been tortured or attacked or possessed or anything. I was just there. A witness.” Mike laughed hoarsely. “I stood by and watched so many people die. I was supposed to be a leader, keep the party together, and I split us up being so selfish and I just—I have no right to be having these damn nightmares when you and El have been through so much worse. And I know your mom told me not to discount my experiences but I can’t stop thinking about how pathetic I am to be like this when—,”

Will put a hand over Mike’s mouth and fixed him with a steady glare. “Listen to my words, Michael,” he started sternly, pulling his hand away to continue cupping Mike’s face. “We are all a little fucked in the head thanks to the Upside Down. And yeah, El and I are probably the two most fucked by it all but that doesn’t mean your trauma and experiences are invalid. My mom is right; don’t sell yourself short. You have the right to feel what you do.”

Mike’s lips were pulled into a thin pale line but he nodded and Will continued. “I was on meds too, remember? My mom used to always call ahead and make sure I have them on me whenever we would have a sleepover. It’s okay to need professional medical help. You don’t have to face this alone. You don’t have to control it alone.” Will pressed a kiss to Mike’s lips. “And I know you can’t tell your therapist everything, I know you can’t tell them about the Upside Down or the demogorgon and Mind Flayer, but you can talk to me just as I can talk to my mom or Jonathan or El these days. You’re not alone, okay? I’m right here.”

“Will.”

“Hush, babe, I’m not finished.” Will swept a hand back into Mike’s hair. “You saved me you know. You saved me and El multiple times.” Mike wanted to shake his head but he didn’t want to interrupt Will so he merely pressed his lips fimer together. Will of course noticed that. “I’m serious, Mike; you really saved us. You gave us something to fight for, a future to live for, with you and all our loved ones. You gave us hope and strength. You trusted me when I was the most untrustworthy person in the room. You were strong for all of us when we needed it, Lucas and Dustin, too. You are our leader, our DM, and you carried us through all that shit. Give yourself credit.”

Will pressed his lips to Mike’s temple and climbed to his feet. “C’mon, let’s get some sleep okay? Good days come and go like bad days and that’s nothing to be ashamed for. It’s never gonna stop but you can have control. You’re healing, Mike, and that means sometimes the wound is still gonna flare up. But eventually, it’ll scar over. Until then, take it one day at a time.”

Mike nodded and took Will’s hand, letting the smaller boy drag him back to the bed. Will wrapped Mike up in his arms and hugged him tightly. “I love you, understand? I love you no matter what. I’m always here for you on good and bad days.”

“I love you, I love you, I love you,” Mike gasped into Will’s arms, burying his face in Will’s borrowed t-shirt. “I’m so lucky to have you.”

“And I’m so lucky to have you, too, Mike.” Will dragged his finger down the bridge of Mike’s nose. “Now, let’s sleep so Dustin won’t be on our asses about taking so long to get him.”

At that, Mike laughed into Will’s chest and allowed himself to relax into his boyfriend’s arms. When he woke, he looked up into loving green eyes and felt for the first time in a while that yeah, he wasn’t alone and things really could get better. Still, when Will pressed him into the mattress with a mixture of kisses and tickles, Mike knew that this couldn’t last. Will didn’t live here anymore. He wouldn’t always be there to console Mike about the terrors of the Upside Down that still haunted him.

Mike needed to fess up and tell him mom the truth.

————

tag list: @vaugency​, @lifeinvirtualreality, @princestanley, @lgbtqbyers

if you want to join the tag list for lth, send me a message!

[xserpentlife]

Open Your Eyes - Chap 4 (Birth)

Requested: Anon Hello! Can I request a fangsxreader where she’s jughead sister and dating Fangs and instead of Fangs the reader is the one who gets shot and fangs is like super worried and thinking that reader could die? I love loveloveeee your blog so much thanks.

A/N: here is the long-awaited chap 4, I wrote this one a different way and I was going to put it into chapters but I figured I mine as well give it to you all at once. I hope you guys love it as much as I do. 

Warnings: None that I can think of except cursing and talks of pregnancy and birth.

Word Count: almost 6000

Taglist: @chipster-21

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4

First Trimester

Coming home wasn’t bad you moved in with Fangs full time since you had planned to before the accident anyway. He was the sweetest to you, constantly helping. You couldn’t walk alone for a bit. It was tough for the first two weeks you couldn’t stand for longer than 10 minutes at a time due to the pain. The Serpents were being beyond helpful with everything, meals were constantly being brought to your trailer and everyone was spending time with you especially Toni and Sweet Pea. Healing was going pretty well but honestly, the worst part was the nausea. At first, you didn’t have much morning sickness but the second week home you felt like it was all you were doing. Yeah, most people get morning sickness but for you, it was so much worse. The gunshot wound you had was still healing and it was situated right below your bra line. Every time that you would lean over to throw up a massive pain would rip through your entire body. But you didn’t wanna bother Fangs with it and he was quite the heavy sleeper so you didn’t have to. That was until you got up by yourself one morning to go throw up and you bent over to quickly causing one of your stitches to tear, eliciting a loud scream from you. Fangs ran in basically ripping the bathroom door off its hinges before seeing you curled on the floor in a white shirt with a small blood spot forming.

“Baby, baby oh my god what happened”

“I… I don’t know Fangs”

“Baby let me see” He lifted your shirt slowly.

“Okay baby you tore a stitch, it’s gonna be fine okay. I’m gonna carry you to the car and we are going to go to the hospital, okay?”

“I don’t wanna go back Fangs I just got home”

“I know babe, but gotta make sure bub is good okay”

“Fangs what if…”

“No everything's fine just need to fix you up a bit”

“Okay” You tried standing up we're having trouble standing

“C'mere” He helped you stand and walk out to the truck keeping a  towel pressed to your stitches as he drove. “Baby we’re here let’s go in” after going into the doctor told you that you had torn a stitch throwing up. He was going to get you a prescription for anti-nausea meds so the likelihood of you tearing another one would be slim.

“You know babe I told you I didn’t wanna come back here unless it was for the baby”

“Yell well it was, they tore my stitch asshole”

“Already calling our baby an asshole are we?”

“Leave me be Fogarty”

“I just wanna go home and sleep”

“We can babe we can just pick the prescription up from the desk on the way out”

After you scare nothing else was really going on. Your stitches and wound healed flawlessly, your baby was healthy, and you and Fangs were happy as can be. You started having food cravings makings Fangs get up at two in the morning to get you the weirdest combinations but he really didn’t give a damn because he knew it was to make you and the baby happy. You had been spending a lot of time with friends and the other serpents trying to understand what it would be like to mom but everyone was always telling you you’d know when it happened. You would just ‘get it’ whatever that meant. Luckily Pea could keep your mind off of it his goofy self always scheming up some sort of trouble. He was coming over to watch movies with you and Fangs and he was bringing over some pizza. Do you waited so hungry you actually guaranteed Fangs that you would eat your pet pig if Pea didn’t hurry up. He knew you’d never hurt your sweet girl but thought it was funny that you were getting so hungry even though you ate less than an hour beforehand.

“He better hurry the fuck up Fogarty”

“I can’t control him”

“Ugh I'm dying!” and luckily he knocked on the door right then. You got up instantly grabbing the pizza from his hands.

“What I don’t get a hug or hello, or even a thanks for bringing you food”

“M’hungry you took too long jackass. But thank you” you ran up giving him a quick hug before sitting back down in front of the pizza. You saw him take fries out of a bag and then watched as he pulled out a wrapped sandwich.

“Pea if that is a cheesesteak I beg of you not to open it”

“I got a big one figured it’s your fav so we could all share”

“Don’t. Open. It!” But he did, and as soon as the smell hit your nose you were getting up almost tripping before Fangs caught you and ran with you to the bathroom door holding your hair back, Pea coming up behind you.

“What the fuck happened”

“She can’t eat them anymore, makes her sick”

“She just ate one like two weeks ago!”

“Makes her sick now, guess the baby doesn't like it. We went to the pizza shop on main like last weekend and as soon as she smelled one she was in the toilet throwing up we only figured it out cause we ordered one to go cause we figured she just got sick from nausea and when we got home and I opened it she threw up again”

“That’s weird as shit”

“Tell me about it! I’m sorry Pea but could you close it up maybe eat it later”

“Course Y/N”

“Thanks, Pea”

“No problem gotta make sure the little one is happy”

Second Trimester

Your first trimester went along relatively smoothly, yeah for sure you had nausea. Your baby made your life hell with the foods you used to love to eat and now hated, but overall it was pretty easy. Fangs was by your side through all of it and the Serpents for sure helped out a lot.

At the beginning of your second trimester, your baby bump was prominent. You remember the first time fangs saw it like it was yesterday. You were doing stuff around the trailer lazy as can be all day and had thrown on one of his shirts that you always wore. It was tighter than usual but honestly, you really didn’t care that much, you just wanted to be comfortable and you always were in his clothes. When he came home from work you were standing over the stove cooking dinner. He came in through the front door and saw you standing there sideways, and just dropped everything that he was holding. You looked over to him in shock not even hearing him come through the door.

“Babe, you okay?”

“I’m more than okay, oh my god Y/N”

“What?” “Your belly”

“Huh?”

“You haven’t looked in the mirror today, have you? No...”

“Cmon”

“But Fangs the food”

“Turn it off, please”

“Fine” he led you to the bedroom and stood you in front of the mirror slowly lifting the shirt over your belly you had just not paid any attention to recently.

“It looks like you started showing overnight”

“That’s impossible”

“Is it?”

“I don’t know to be honest”

“But I know how it will get bigger”

“How’s that?”

“The food on the stove cause I'm starving and I bet you are too”

“I’m always hungry Fogarty, your baby loves food”

“Just like daddy”

“Oh god now I'm gonna call you daddy”

“Baby you always call me daddy”

“Be good your baby is in here”

“Yeah how do you think it got there”

“You are so bad! Go finish the food”

“Okay princess you pick a movie okay?”

“Okay”

The middle of the second trimester was going smoothly expect you felt kinda gross, you started having a bit of hip pain and you actually kicked Fangs in the balls while sleeping. The doctor wasn’t kidding when she said you'd have leg spasms. You felt so bad after because he shot up in bed in shock and you had no idea you even did it until he yelled out what the fuck was that for and you woke up. Luckily it only happened once though.

The middle is where the bad parts started. You really just wanted to stay home and be left alone and do nothing but Fangs was not letting that happen at all.

“Baby I don’t wanna do anything!”

“Why not”

“Cause I don’t look good I look fat, I can barely see my feet, and I haven't been able to see my vagina or shave my legs in months I am a fucking hairy beast, now leave me the fuck alone”

“I’m not leaving you alone baby, this baby is partially my fault so it is only right that I tame the hairy beast”

“I’m gonna kill you”

“What I think your hair is cute”

“Fangs! Go! Away!”

“I’m! Not! Leaving! You!, Just let me help you!”

“Help me what?”

“I already ran the bath just go get in and I’ll be in, in a sec”

“Fine” You walked in a sat in the warm tub, it felt so nice on your hip and muscles and an instant relaxation hit your body instantly. He walked in shorts on and shirtless as he sat on the edge of the tub carefully grabbing your leg and situating it on the edge of the tub next to him at an angle.

“Fangs what are you doing?”

“Shaving your legs”

“You’re what!”

“Shaving your legs then you can’t be mad for being a hair beast”

“So I am hairy!”

“No, no I just know you wanna be shaven so I figured why not help since you can’t reach”

“It’s so gross though”

“Baby I’m about to watch you push out a baby in a few weeks I highly doubt this is that gross”

“Thank you”

“No need to thank me, baby, like I said I will always be here to help”

“Can you get in the bath with me after”

“Of course”

Towards the end, you were anxiously awaiting your baby shower. You didn’t want to have one but all the Serpents insisted that you needed to considering they have all been there throughout your pregnancy. Fangs sent you on a trip with Toni for a week or two, wanting you to have perfect relaxation before you got into the final run of the pregnancy. You were finally back and were going to meet him at the Wyrm. You walked in expecting nothing only to be surprised by all the Serpents and a bunch of rainbow balloons. You waved everyone hello as Toni handed you a mock mimosa.

“Thanks, T”

“No problem, you happy”

“I guess I just… why is everyone making this big of a fuss about me?”

“Because this is the first serpent baby we’ve had in like 5 years everyone is super excited, not many of these people have a huge family you know that”

“Yeah I guess, do you know where Fangs is?”

“He said he was coming later” You felt a tap on your shoulder to see Fangs behind you.

“Your back”

“I missed you so fucking much Fogarty never send me on a trip again unless you come”

“I’m sorry I just wanted you to have a good time”

“I did but I missed the fuck out of you, guess what?” “Hm?”

“I was playing videos of us cause I missed you, and the baby moved a little when you talked in the video”

“Really?”

“Mhm”

“Maybe tonight I can sing to her”

“I’d like that a lot”

“Hey do you think we should announce the gender”

“Mhm, I have an idea” You remembered seeing the board when you had walked in. The board with tallies on whether it was a boy or girl. So you pulled fangs with you and walked up to the board handing him chalk. As you both led your hands to the board everyone was watching as fangs circled girl and you crossed out boy. You never heard the Whyte Wyrm be so loud before. And as soon is it died down Toni was screaming “Gift Time”. In your opinion, it may have been the best part. Most of the Serpents have their own trade or skill. Some were sewers, some builders, some seamstresses, painters, finishers, chefs, etc. It was nice getting gifts that had just a bit of every one of them. But then came Pea as he came up a giant box wrapped in recycled newspapers. You appreciated the reuse of the paper.

“So I know it won’t work yet but I saw it and I had to buy it”

“Ok…” You opened the box to see a tiny toy motorcycle for your bay to ride. “Pea…”.

“You don’t like it… I know it was crazy I’m sorry I just thought maybe you would and if you're mad I can return it…”

“Stop, I love it”

“You do!”

“You do!” that is all you heard from everyone.

“Of course I do. Motorcycles are a big part of every one of us. This baby is going to grow up seeing them everywhere, so why not let her ride a little toy one. My baby is gonna be a badass and we all know it”

“I’m glad you said that” He handed you a smaller box that when you opened it was filled with a rubber throwing star.

“What is my baby is gonna be a ninja!? No Pea this is where I draw the line”

“Thought so, I’ll just give them to Fogarty to practice his aim”

“Hey! I have perfect aim, hence the bun in the oven”

“Fangs!”

“Ew Fogarty”

“You have one more gift baby” “I do? I don’t see any more”

“It’s not here if you wanna stay we can but your gift is at home”

“Oh okay, I mean it is late and I am kinda tired can we go?” “Yeah of course” You thanked everyone for coming and said goodbye. Fangs then helped you into his truck as he began the drive home. But he was taking a different way than normal.

“Fangs where are you going”

“Do you trust me?”

“Always”

“Then close your eyes for me and you can’t open them until I tell you”

“Uhm okay but you know if you wanted to kill me you should've done it before the bun”

“Your insane now close your eyes baby”

“Okay” So you sat with your eyes closed and slowly felt the rock come to a stop as you heard Fang’s door open and close and then heard yours open.

“Ready”

“Can I open my eyes”

“Not yet” He grabbed your hand leading you out of the truck before you came to a stop. “Okay, now”

“You opened your eyes to see a beautiful single story trailer like home. It was bigger than the RV trailer you were currently in.

“Fangs what…” You looked up to see a Welcome Home banner.

“Welcome home baby”

“What do you mean welcome home…”

“Well FP called, said this trailer was available it has three bedrooms since its super long oh and a living room and kitchen… clearly haha. So I sent you with Toni and Me, Pea and a bunch of the Serpents fixed it up during the week you were gone. I figure we would need more space you know with the baby coming and maybe if we eventually have another baby or a dog or something. I know it’s not a house or anything and I wish I could do more but…” You stepped up to him a hand landing on his cheek.

“Stop it. Don’t you ever and I mean ever apologize that you can’t do enough for us. Everything you do is incredible Fangs. You do so much more than I could even think to ask, and I love you so much for it. I would live in a cardboard box if it meant being with you. The fact that you did this for us I can’t even put into words how much I love you Fangs”

“I love you so much baby” Tears were flowing as he dragged you into the trailer. The trailer looked brand new.

“Fangs this is…”

“Do you not like it, we can change the color if…”

“No Fangs, this is beautiful”

“Oh thank god, do you wanna see the nursery”

“Mhm,” He led you to a room down the hallway after showing you your master in and of itself was freaking beautiful. Nicer than any room you ever had in your life. You could tell how careful he was at matching the colors, how well he listened to the things you liked. He opened the door to the nursery to reveal a perfectly sized room. It was beautiful, there was a chair for you to sit, the walls were paneled with tea, black and white paint as well as brown wood. And then you looked to the center to see a very unique crib, it was round something you had never seen. But what hit you the most was the fact and that you and fangs hadn’t really talked much about the nursery in the past few months. But the fact that he remembered the one time you had said you wouldn’t wanna make your baby girls room pink if you ever had a girl hit a nerve in you. The fact that he remembered that one small detail made your heart swell.

“Fangs… I love it”

“Oh thank god I’m so glad I didn’t know and everyone was telling me to do pink but I know you said you wouldn’t wanna force pink or blue on a child wanting them to grow up how they wanted and so I told everyone you’d love it this way and im so glad you do”

“I love it so much it’s honestly perfect and I love this crib it’s so unique”

“Yeah, I uh couldn’t find one to fit in here that I liked and I didn't want it anchored on a wall cause the room looked smaller, anyway Lynae came in”

“Pea’s aunt?”

“Mhm, anyway she came in cause she wanted to see the teal to get Andi to make the pillows for the chair and saw that I still needed one and told me not to buy one. A few days later, this was on the porch with a note saying she made it and everything. I already thanked her don’t worry. But yeah I never would have thought a round crib”

“It’s beautiful”

“Oh and toni picked up some of the decorations, and Pea apparently helped pick out the fabrics for the curtains and stuff”

“No way”

“Mhm”

“Wow”

“Baby…”

“Yeah?” “Are you happy?”

“Of course I am why?”

“I just… I know it’s all so fast ya know. Like you get shot found out were having a baby and then we move in together and then I get us this bigger trailer and… I don’t know I just wanna make sure your happy”

“We practically lived together anyway Fangs, and regardless no matter where we are I always wanna be with you, because where I am doesn’t matter because when I am with you I’m happy”

“I love the both of you so fucking much”

Third Trimester

The third trimester was going along quite smoothly in a way it was the easiest part of your pregnancy even though you felt like every time you walked you were carrying a bag of bricks. But Fangs was helping out with everything and being the sweetest as possible so you couldn’t really complain.

The beginning of your third trimester went along quite well. The first time Fangs really felt and saw the baby move. It was incredible. You were at the Wyrm most of the day before coming home to go to bed. You hadn’t eaten much for some reason you were super nauseous during the day so as you were laying in bed Fang’s hand on your belly he felt your stomach move a little.

“Is mama hungry?”

“Huh?

“You hungry baby”

“Not really.. Stomach still hurts a… OW”

“Holy shit!” he was watching your stomach, completely saw the foot that had just kicked you. “I saw it Y/N, I saw her foot!”

“Yeah and I felt it jesus christ it’s like shes a god damn kick boxer”

“Oh, baby are you okay?” “Yeah, yeah I’m good” He laid his head next to your belly before slowly singing a song to your almost grown bean. She was moving slightly at the sound of his voice and eventually stilled. To you, it was almost as if she had fallen asleep.

At the middle of your third trimester, you had decided to go to the mall by yourself. You needed to pick up a birthday gift for Toni. However, it didn’t go to plan because as you were walking through the mall you heard a baby cry, and then after you were walking towards the store you kept seeing people looking at your breasts. You felt very uncomfortable so you went to the bathroom to see if there was something on your shirt and of course something you didn’t expect to happen did. Your breasts leaked because of the baby you heard crying like motherly instinct or some bullshit you didn’t care. You were upset and pissed off. You had Fangs drop you off at the mall saying you needed alone time so you called him to pick you up and he did instantly.

“Baby are you ok…”

“No Fangs I’m not do you see my shirt!, Just bring me home!”

“I brought you one of mine you can slip on if you want”

“Thanks” He eventually pulled up to your home as you waddled your way inside you saw Pea sitting on the couch. “Ugh!” You ran to your bedroom laying flat back against the bed and stared up at the ceiling.

“Baby cmon talk to me, what happened?”

“No Fangs it’s embarrassing”

“Baby I've been with you for a while through thick and thin I don’t think anything you do could be that embarrassing to me”

“My boobs leaked okay”

“What do you mean”

“I don’t know Fangs I just got Toni’s gift and I was gonna walk around and shop some more but then I heard a baby cry and all these people started looking at me so I went into the bathroom and my fuckingshirt had wet spots on it. I think I leaked” He walked over instantly placing his hands onto your cheeks.

“Baby that isn’t embarrassing at all that is your body telling you that you are ready for this abby. Your body saying that you are ready to protect your own child and provide them with what they need”

“But baby It was so embarrassing”

“Yeah well I don’t think those people should have been staring it is a natural thing that happens, how bout I go put a few extra shirts in the car and one in your backpack that way if it happens again you’ll have clothes”

“That would be good thankyou baby”

“Course”

You waddled out to the living room to see Pea sitting on the couch. “Hey pea”

“Hey Y/N you okay”

“Yeah Fangs made it better I was having a moment”

“Ahh hormones”

“We don’t have to talk about this Pea”

“No it’s okay I wantto how has everything been since…”

“Oh my god the fight yeah my hormones were raging that night, but that guy deserved it who the fuck parks behind someones truck so they can’t get out and then he hit your bike! I don’t know why Fangs was so mad”

“Y/N I get where your coming from like you had every right to be pissed Iget that however, you are very pregnant. You’re what 28 weeks…”

“30”

“Okay 30 weeks and you literally punched a guy in the face!”

“Yeah and I knocked his ass out cold”

“You did which I’m impressed but… if you didn’t and he came at you, you could’ve been hurt he was just trying to be protective”

“I know”

“You guys talking about me”

“Hey babe”

“Always Fogarty, I’m the only one she complains to”

“Good to know”

“I’ll be right back guys gotta Pee” You got up waddling to the bathroom but before you shut the door you heard Pea

“Hahaha look at her waddle”

“You do realize she can kill you and get away with it, right?”

“Okay your not wrong”

“Sweet Pea! I heard that! Don’t forget what I did to the guy at the Wyrm!”

“Couldn’t dream of it now go pee before you pee yourself”

“Okay, that was one time!”

“Yeah on my carpet!”

“Ugh”

However,  the end of the third trimester came and you were miserable. It felt like your back was breaking your hips were tearing out of your body and you for some reason had headaches almost all the time. You were more than ready to get this baby out of you. You were at the Wyrm, knowing that in a month you most likely wouldn't be for a little while considering you’d have a newborn. You were hanging out with everyone and it was going pretty smooth. Fangs was talking to Pea and you to Toni.

“So how has everything been”

“Good it’s just getting tougher ya know like I feel like I should be used to it but walking is a chore, and the cravings ughh all I want is mac n cheese all the time. But oh my god the other day I had Fangs give me Pasta literally I didn’t want it cooked like he cooked it but then it wasn’t appetizing I literally just wanted to eat hard pasta”

“That’s weird”

“Tell me about it, but I mean it’s been good I’m just ready for her to come out” Your jaw clenches as you felt a cramp run through your lower stomach.

“Fangs is going to be running around like a chicken with his head cut off when that happens” You laughed slightly before instinctively grabbing onto your stomach with a wince on your face. “Babe you okay”

“Yeah I’m fine T just like a tightness right here” You grabbed her hand placing it onto your lower belly “it’s fine though I’m… fuck that hurts” “Are you in labor”

“I… it’s too early, I don’t know get Fangs!” He ran up quickly Pea following and everyone looking as he grabbed your hand “Fang’s I don’t know what’s going on it’s like a cramp”

“Oh my god, your having contractions we need to go the hospital now, fuck fuck the baby is coming to early oh my god we need to go come on get up baby…”

“Fangs chill”

“Pea Your telling me to chill when my girl is in LABOR. L. A. B. O. R. I need to get her to a…”

“Just stop, Y/N how bad are they, are they consistent”

“Just feels kinda crampy, not unbearable not to bad, and not consistent at all”

“It’s braxton hicks”

“It’s what now?”

“Braxton hicks, it’s like the bodies way of getting you ready it’s like false labor pains but they are more crampy then like a real pain” “How do you…” “Pea… how do you know this”

“I looked it up Fogarty, I mean Y/N your my best friend aside from this doofus I figured I should know some stuff cause if he’s not with you I am”

‘Okay well can you tell me how to stop them Pea cause they're real uncomfortable”

“Yeah, T can you grab her some warm tea or somethin”

“Yeah of course be right back”

“There isn’t really a cure for them but if the tea doesn’t work on the ride home Fangs can run you warm bath okay?”

“Thanks, Pea”

“No problem”

Now it was time to give birth you were so ready. You had one of the Serpents coming over who was a trained doula for years she had helped the Serpents give birth since everyone hated hospitals so much, Fangs, Toni and Pea were going to be with you and everything was on track, until it wasn’t. You water didn’t break on your due date. 10 days past his due date. 5 days ago you thought labor was starting but it didn’t. You woke up at 3 your water broke you felt the wetness of the bed and you thought it was go time, you were ready for it to be go time. You woke up Fangs the pains were not too bad to start it it was painful but not unbearable. He called everyone to the house. Fangs, Toni, Pea, and Vani your doula. The pain got worse. You were going through what was called back labor. Your baby girl wasn’t facing the right way which meant her spine was along your spine and it caused major pain, pain that you couldn’t even begin to describe. Fangs was holding your hand the whole time. It wasn’t like what they told you to be prepared for. You were prepared for stomach pain, and stomach cramps but no your back was spazzing and the pain was radiating through your entire spine. It was ungodly, worse than the pains of being shot in all honesty.

“I wish I could take some of the pain princess”

“I know Fangs, but ya can’t so it is what it is babe” He looked sad, one thing Fangs always hated was seeing you in pain. “sorry, that was rude” 

“It’s okay you get a free pass”

It was 7 ½ of back labour and you had no relief. It wasn’t like what they told you at all. Usually you would have a contraction and then be able to rest, but since you were in back labor you had no period of rest. Your back and body was in so much pain that it was getting so hard to focus on anything. Fangs eventually led you to the bath since a hot compress was relieving your back slightly he thought the water would help. See the plan was that Fangs was going to stay out of the water just incase something had to happen. But after he heard your screams of pain, the almost grunting he couldn’t just stand next to you. He had to be with you, touching you helping you. Between kisses and the whispers of “I love you’s” and “your doing so good mama”, you were feeling a slight bit of relief in the bath with him the hot water running along your back. See you should have been giving birth by now, your body was shaking which is usually to tell you your getting close but after another 40 mins, you were not. So your doula was saying it was time to go to the hospital.

“I don’t wanna go Fangs” You started sobbing, a gentle cry a mix of the pain and the sadness of not being able to do this the way you wanted. It was a cry that that broke Fangs’s heart. He wanted to be able to hold his daughter, wanted to be able to see her and wanted to be a father to her more than anything, but even with all that he never realised how much pain it would cause you.

“Hey it’s gonna be okay, we are all here, we are all gonna stay with you okay, we are just gonna go and your gonna push our little girl out there okay”

“Okay” You both got dressed. The car ride was like torture so much so you amde Fangs pull over after every bump. You got there and everything was fine you were sitting in the bed and the doctor checked you. The pains making you wanna scream, but then everything took a turn. Your doctor informed you that you were only 3cm dilated, after 24 hours of labor you should have been much further along. Since you water had been broken for 24 hours your doctor informed you about the clock ticking down. Your baby needs to come out before infection set in. You wanted to do it naturally and you were deathly afraid of needles, but you had to. For your baby to be safe you were started on pitocin and needed to get an epidural, but yous started freaking out.

“Fangs I can’t”

“You have to”

“Pea!”

“Y/N I know, you’ve been afraid of needles since we were kids but you gotta do it okay? This baby needs you to it, and we are all right here we won’t let them make us leave you are in charge here”

“Baby look at me. I know how scared you are but I’m gonna hold your hand the whole time okay, and we gotta get our girl out okay”

“Okay, I can do this” Luckily after the epidural the pain subsided enough for you to rest for just a bit, Fangs next to the bed rubbing his hand along your side.

But then the doctor came in to check you again after 35 hours of labour you were only 3.8 cm dilated meaning that something drastic needed to happen. But you knew she wasn’t progressing you almost felt it, you knew she wasn’t gonna come out and you were starting to not feel good at all you needed her out and you knew she needed to come out. And then the worst thing you heard, you needed to have a c-section. You knew the risks it’s why you chose home birth in the first place. You didn’t want all the medicine you thought you were strong enough to do it on your own.

“I wanted to do it Fangs”

“I know baby, but this isn’t your fault you know that, she’s just being difficult like her mama. And I'm not leaving you okay? They are bringing me scrubs right now I am going to be right there with you okay?”

“Promise”

“Nothing will make me leave you in there okay”

You got wheeled in and numbed You couldn’t see anything due to the cover but then you saw it. Your daughter being lifted up. You saw her she was born out o you and after a few seconds, they placed her onto your chest. She was finally here, and you felt the biggest since of relief, as one of Fang’s hands laid on your cheek and the other on her head. And you heard the quiet sobs coming from him almost louder than your own. You handed her to him as he held her close to your face and they finished stitching you up.

“She’s here baby you did it”

“We did it Fangs” You saw the tears welling in his as he looked at his newborn daughter and you, his girl who was so strong through it all. “baby are you crying”

“Of course I’m crying”

“I love you”

“I love you too, I love both of you so damn much”

40 hours total was your birth story. 40 hours of waiting for your baby girl and she was finally here. Finally ready to be in a family of love and care, and you were so ready to bring her to meet her amazing, dysfunctional family.

Yes having a baby was the highlight of your day, but the highlight the next morning was when you woke up.

[eightinyz]

3. Painful Revenge ↦ Choi San Mafia!au

 Pairing: Choi San x Reader (female)

Genre: angst, mafia!au (non celeb)

Warnings: some swearing, violence, mention of death.

Words: 2,6k

Summary: You’re a young law student who are happily dating the handsome San. Everything seemed to go perfectly well, until his 20th birthday.

A/N: So first of all, thank you for your love for this series! Seriously, I get so many private messages and anons, it’s heartwarming.

There is not much of the boys in this part, but don’t worry, they’ll be present in the next.

I’m not sure about a lawyer’s and a prosecutor’s studies in South Korea, so I’m going to write according to my country. If anyone has any idea, please let me know!

And, I’m not a native english speaker but according to my researches, we can call attorney both prosecutors and lawyers, right? Please enlighten me if you know!

I know those law things actually take pretty long, like the courts etc, but I will maybe shorten them for the sake of the au. And it’s just fiction so I think things have to be a little spiced up.

I truly don’t like to write Y/N, Y/L/N etc., but it’s sometimes needed, so I’m gonna have to deal with it.

I did take inspiration from the kdrama, Suspicious Partner. Go watch it if you didn’t, it’s really good!

Lastly, hope you’ll enjoy it! I’m going to try to post more regularly now, since I feel a lot better.

I 2 I    

“Attorney Y/L/N.”, the young assistant called from the end of the hallway, “There is a new addition to those mysterious murder cases.”

Oh, here we go again.

You sighed, “Thank you, I’ll try to read it during my break. See you.”, you took the file from his hand, quickly bowed your head then headed to your car.

After coming back from England six months ago, you were excited to finally be able to exercise your profession in your home country. Although, you didn’t think you’d be given this very important case right after your arrival. Finishing your studies in a very prestigious British university, as well as having incredible grades might have helped you enter this well-known Prosecutors’ Office. Almost five years since you left everything behind. But it still feels good to be back home.

“Good Morning! Prince Charming is waiting for you in the corner, darling. At your regular place.”, the elderly woman smiled upon your arrival.

“Thank you, Mrs. Park.”, you patted her shoulder, smiling warmly.

“Hey, babe.”, Jiwook greeted you with a quick kiss, “How are you doing?”

“Already tired. There was another murder.”, you sighed, yet again. “I think I’m going to work ‘till late at night tonight.” Jiwook squeezed your hand, giving you a knowing smile.

Jiwook and you met at the university you went in England; he had also left the country around the same time as you and you ended up in the same school. He was three years older than you and was now a well qualified prosecutor. Occasionally with specs on his nose, a casual suit covering his muscular body, he was the man everyone dreamed to have along their side. But more than his looks, he was a sweetheart. He was nice, polite, gentle, funny. Your perfect boyfriend.

Your lunch was, as always, filled with laughter and loving smiles. Jiwook would always do his best to make you laugh and help you forget, even only for a few minutes, your stressful job. Working in the same field, he knew how some cases could affect you, mentally but also physically.

“I have to go, I have a thirty-page file to read, and not in font size twenty. Unfortunately.”, you joked, picking up your belongings. “I’ll try to text you throughout the day, yeah?”, kissing him goodbye, you went back to the Office.

“I don’t understand. I-He didn’t deserve it. He didn’t. He was an amazing husband, an amazing father.”, a woman cried to your colleague. She might be the wife of one of the men who got murdered. “Please find them, I’m begging you.”

The series of murders approximatively started over six years ago; at least, that was what you all thought from the little infos you’ve got. At the beginning, the murders were scattered, making it hard to connect them. But over the years, they got closer and were, indeed, connected. The victims were men, mostly in their forties, all once part of a gang, apparently. Well, when the police questioned their entourage, they all appeared as role models. Incredible husbands, friends, fathers. Nothing that seemed out of ordinary. But, when they searched deeply, they found a common thing. They were all in touch or they all knew a member of a well known gang. His gang. The Pirates.

Everything pointed at them. They had a reason to kill those men. Maybe they were scared they’ll reveal something about the said gang? Well, whatever it was, they were the suspect number one. But, they weren’t any material evidences. Which meant that the only way to catch them was that one of them spit everything out; the murders, the reasons, etc. It wasn’t going to be easy. 

People said that it might just be a coincidence. But you knew better not to believe these speculations. Everything always ended up being connected. And now that you knew they were firmly pointed, you were even more ready to put them behind the bars. You body was full on hatred towards them; they had to pay.

“Y/N, did you read the file? I had asked the assistant to give it to you.”, Chaeyoung entered your shared office, sitting down to her desk.

“Yeah, I just finished it. It’s the same.”, you stated. “A deep clean cut on the throat, then the body’s thrown in a ditch...”

    “Seoul Metropolitan Police.”, one of the uniformed police officer declared showing his badge. He cleared his throat then continued, after giving a knowing look to his co-worker.  “We’re sorry to wake you this late, but,”, he paused, “could we enter? I think it would be better.”

“Just say it.”, your mother shakily breathed out. “What happened?”

The officers shared a look. “Is Mr. Y/L/N your husband, miss?”, one of them asked.

“Yes, he’s my father. Could you please tell us what’s going on? Did he drink too much again and ended up being a nuisance? I’m so sorry abo-”, you got cut of.

“It’s not that, miss.”, he inhaled deeply and continued. “We found him.”

The other officer took the lead when he saw that his younger colleague was having some difficulties. “I’m extremely sorry to announce it to you, but your father was found dead.”

    “Y/N! Hey, I’ve lost you, yet again.”, Chaeyoung laughed. “You should ask for some days off maybe? You look a little tired lately.”

“Is that you’re way to say I look like shit?”, you joked.

“You said it.”, she put her hands up in defense, giggling.

You laughed at her antics, “It’s just this case. It gets worse, and I feel helpless.”

“The police are investigating, you know. They’re working hard. And apparently, they are on someone. A certain,”, she went through her files, “Jung Woojin.”

“Jung Woojin.”, you repeated. The name sounded familiar.

“Again, apparently, he’s part of this gang.”

Oh. There it is. You did hear this name before. Jung Wooyoung’s older brother, Jung Woojin.

You shook your head, “Whatever. I’m going to visit my mom before going home.” You quickly tidied your desk, not forgetting to take with you the documents you had to work on. “Need anything?”, you asked grabbing your bag.

“Nope, say hello to her from me. And please, rest well, see you tomorrow.”, Chaeyoung smiled warmly, waving you goodbye.

“No worries, bye.”, you waved back, heading to your car.

Cheayoung was always like that; smiley, warm, bubbly. You sometimes felt like you didn’t give enough in return. She would always look after you, asking you if you slept well, if you had breakfast, and so on. Besides, she has to deal with your numerous mood changes. She was a good friend. 

You quickly arrived to your mother’s apartment that was in the periphery of the city. Doing the door code, you entered calmly, the warmth of the inside hitting you.

“Hi, Y/N.”, your mother’s nurse, Eunha, greeted you, coming out of the kitchen.

“Hey, how are you doing?”, you smiled up to her while you took of your shoes at the entry.

“Good, what about you?”

“Just a little tired. Is she asleep?”, you hanged your coat before heading to the living room. Your mother was normally in there, unless when she was sleeping.

“Yes, she’s taking a nap. She was complaining about a weak stomach and nausea earlier, so I gave her her meds. It knocked her out.”, Eunha explained. “But I think she’ll be up soon. You want some tea?”, she went back to the kitchen after your positive answer.

Your mother suffered from a rare disease that required constant nursing now. At the beginning, it only affected her muscles. Some cramps here and there, from time to time. But over the years, it started to propagate to her organs. She mostly suffered from stomach pain, and other digestive problems. Now, she needed the help of a caregiver, her muscle pains sometimes being unbearable. Eunha was a young sweet woman who willingly took care of your mother since you got back to your home country. She helped her to shower, to cook, and so on. Your mother wasn’t fully bedridden, yet; she still managed to do simple tasks.

“Are you staying for dinner?”, Eunha put your cup of tea on the coffee table and sat down beside you on the couch.

“I’m not sure, I’m really tired.”, you yawned. “But I want to see her so I’ll probably stay until she wakes up.”, you brought the hot tea to your lips, slowly drinking the beverage. 

“We cooked some sujebi, the way you like it, she said.”, Eunha tried to convince you stay, her lips slowly curling up. 

You laughed, “You sound like my mom. She would always persuade me with food.”

“She trained me.”, Eunha giggling. “She told me that bringing the notion of food in the conversation whenever we get opposite thoughts with you helps changing your mind. Just wanted to test the authenticity of her statement, not that I ever doubted her.”, she laughed raising her hand up defensively.

Eunha was a joyful person. She was a couple of years older than you, in her late twenties, but she probably looked younger than you; her bubbly personality and her sometimes childlike actions hiding the reality. She was kind of like Chaeyoung. 

You used to be like that. Carefree. You only cared about yourself, your family, your friends, your dog, and your boyfriend. But, you matured. Well, it was what you wanted to believe, what you always told yourself. In reality, you completely changed. Being bubbly and giggly didn’t mean to be childish but the things that happened in your life had a huge impact on you, more than you thought, and hoped. Now, you speculated everything, wanted every details of whatever happens. You always justified that side of you by saying that it was your job that required that. It wasn’t a total lie, but it wasn’t always intentional. You were always wary of everything. You were still very nice and warm, however you now mastered the art of coldness, when needed.

You spend the time conversing with Eunha, talking about your jobs, your love lives etc. She had this aura that helped people around her be at ease. 

As your mother only woke up an hour after your arrival, you decided to stay for dinner, to spend some time with her. You stayed to help Eunha with the dishes, but left quickly after, your mother forcing you to. According to her, your under eye bags were way too visible for her liking for you to stay any longer. So that’s how you ended up in your house, at 9pm, in your pajamas, in front of a nice TV show. You needed that.

You fell asleep there, in a pile of fuzzy blankets and the tv still on. Your phone woke you up early in the morning. It was a new message. Groaning, you broke your warm blanket cocoon, against your will, and took your phone. Chaeyoung. Your frowned. Why would she call you this early? 

“Yes?”

“Sorry, did I woke you up?”, she asked.

“Well, obviously, it’s 6 in the morning, Chae. What is it?”, you brushed your hair out of your face and sighed.

“I’m sorry, but I wouldn’t have called you if it wasn’t important. There are new infos about the suspect, Jung Woojin. Boss wants everyone in the office right now.”

You groaned, “Ok, I’ll try to be there as fast as I can. See you.”

After hanging up, you went to take a quick shower. The boss may want you right now, but your body needed to be cleaned up. You were way to tired the night before to do anything aside from stuffing your face with junk food in front of your favorite tv shows. 

“It’s been a good half an hour since I called you. Really fast, I see.”, Chaeyoung grumbled once you entered your shared office. 

“I’m sorry, I had to take a shower. And half an hour is pretty fast.”, you counter attacked. 

She shrugged, “Here are the new infos about him. They reserved you a meeting with the suspect. And we’ll have a meeting afterwards. I know normally it’s way slower, but it’s an important case.” 

“I know, I know. I’ll get ready.”, you quickly read the documents Chaeyoung handed you then headed to the office station, where the said meeting was going to take place.

“Mr. Jung is inside, you’ll have 30 minutes with him as a first meeting.”, a police officer reported, leading you to an interrogation room. 

“Thank you.”, you politely bowed. 

Opening the door, you saw him. Jung Woojin. He was the spitted image of his brother.

“Good morning, Mr. Jung.”, you greeted, taking the place in front of him, on the other side of the table.

“Morning, Miss Y/L/N.”, he paused. “I can finally put a face to the name. I’ve heard a lot about you.”, he smiled mischievously.

“It’s Attorney Y/L/N.”, you tried to sound confident, “And I’m glad.”, you coldly said. “But, we’re not here to talk about me. We’re here because of the monstrosity you made.”

“I already told everyone, Attorney Y/L/N, I’m innocent. I haven’t done anything.”, he leaned back on his chair, trying to look intimidating. You’ve seen worse. 

“They found your fingerprints on one of the crime scene. More so, on the murder weapon. A 6 inch hunting knife.”, you took out a picture of the said weapon out of your files. “How do you explain that?”

“It’s mine. But I wasn’t there.”, he straightened and look more serious, “Look, I know everything point at me, but I didn’t do it. I don’t how it ended up there.”

“Then just explain to me, give me evidences of your innocence.”

“I know you desperately want us inside, but, I didn’t do it, ok. It wasn’t me.”

“I know you didn’t do all of them, or at least, I don’t have proofs. But that poor guy was murdered by you.”, you declared, looking him dead in the eye. “And I’ll prove it. I hope you have a good lawyer.” 

“Don’t worry, she’s amazing.” 

“So,”, you regained your professionalism, “let me ask you some basic questions, where were you the night of the murder?”

And it went like that for twenty minutes; you asking questions, him answering them. He kept on claiming his innocence, but, even if you tried, many evidences proved the contrary. 

“Ok, thank you, that’s it for today. I’ll see in a couple of days again, probably with your lawyer. Have a good day.” What an absurd exclamation, regarding the situation. You shook your head and collected your belongings before getting out of the room.

The moment you got out, the police officer entered it. He led Mr. Jung out, back to his prison cell, where he stayed since his detention.

“Attorney Y/L/N!”, another police officer called out. “Mr. Jung’s lawyer is also here. Would you like to meet her?”

“Yes, please.”, you gave him a polite smile as he guided you to an office.

“Attorney Choi!”, he called, catching the woman’s attention. “Here’s Attorney Y/L/N.” 

The woman turned around, it was like those cliché drama scenes. But there she was. Choi Jiseon.

[thechameleongirl]

The Pectus Chronicles (Part 7)

Early in the morning we arrived at the hospital and checked in. Soon a nurse came and took me and a group of patients upstairs. My parents were allowed with me. I changed into a hospital gown and some socks that they provided and a hair net. We waited in this room, along with other people in their own hospital beds, for an hour or more. The anesthesiologists, the surgical team, and Dr. Petroze all came to see me and ask various questions. They gave me some pill to calm me and it really worked. I don’t remember leaving that room but I remember laying in the operating room with many surgical instruments around me and many people in scrubs. They all chatted with me and were lightheaded and kind. I don’t remember going to sleep or waking up from that. My next memory is me talking to my fiancé and his father who had been waiting downstairs through it all. I don’t specifically remember feeling pain in that moment. They had a team of people move me from the bed I was in to another and it was so bumpy to where I first realized my pain. Including my surgery day, I stayed in the hospital for 5 days. The first 2 days I felt like my pain was never under control. I was always in pain and crying. I would recommend working on your core muscles before because having a strong core helped me tremendously with assisting the nurses with getting me out of bed and helping me stand up. The hard part was sitting up, nurses would have to place their hands behind me and pull me up before I could help myself. I was so relieved to not feel nausea from the anesthesia. However, we think one of my pain meds was disagreeing with me to the point where I could barely stand and vomited. I had to use a bedside commode these first days. It was not as awful as I suspected. Staying upright was difficult and I could only sit up in a chair for 15 minutes before I felt too sore and unable to breathe well. It was very important that I was releasing gas after surgery so the doctors often asked about that and I’m sure I passed gas and belched more in these days than in the rest of my life total. It’s only a few weeks later as I write, yet all of this is quite a hazy memory now. The pain is such a brief period of your life overall that it won’t effect you after you’ve gone through it The first time I looked down to see my chest I cried. I cried so much that I had to stop or else I wouldn’t have been able to breathe. It looked different than I had expected. I felt like my chest looked like an odd straight line was passing through it. It took me weeks to bear looking at it more. It looks more natural when looking at it in mirrors rather than looking down at it. I am now over a month out and my chest does not look like it did right after surgery. My breasts look natural now and continue to settle into something I am more content with each week. I was too quick to judge. I had one scary moment in the midst of all my recovery. I was in my hospital bed, surrounded by my people, crying from some pain after having just been out of bed. It hurt bad so I got worked up emotionally and suddenly I felt some jolt from inside of my chest. I immediately thought that my bar stabilizer had popped out of place and that my bar was shifting and that my stitches were ripping open. I screamed as it happened more, I looked down and the skin of my chest, just below my right armpit, was moving up and down as if something were trying to escape from within me. My mom rushed to get a doctor and my dad and fiancé gasped in horror because they had just seen the movement from under my hospital gown and knew what I was concerned over. The more excitable I got, the quicker the thing inside me pulsed. I just kept whining “please help me, I’m scared” as a team of nurses and doctors scrambled to figure out what was happening. They ordered a chest X-ray and a team came right to me room and performed it. Everything looked fine. Most of the doctors were entirely bewildered and had not seen the chest movements for themselves. Someone determined that it was a section of trapped air pockets from the surgery, they had seen something similar before with a different procedure. The air had been trying to find its way to the surface. It is the most bizarre thing I hope I will ever have to experience. It didn’t hurt exactly, I just seemed so terribly off and felt so startling that I assumed there were severe complications. The possibility of this is HIGHLY unlikely, but I wanted to document it so that if someone else happens to experience it that read this, they won’t be so so afraid like I was. When I was released to go home, the car ride made it hard for me to breathe because of the sitting upright. I definitely would recommend having lots of pillows and blankets for support (the hospital even let us have some of theirs). Getting out of the car was quite difficult and I needed assistance from someone else. Something I often complained about at the hospital was that my butt hurt from laying on it for so long and it caused me much discomfort. When I got home I noticed that I had bed sores in this area. They went away after a week or so. I was incredibly bloated post surgery, I seriously looked about 3-4 months pregnant. We were very concerned but continued a regimen of miralax and some other stool softener that they prescribed and it sorted out about 3 weeks after the surgery. We found out that I disrupted the bacterial balance in my armpits because I was not able to properly clean under my arms since I couldn’t lift them for awhile. I had to use special surgical soap to help cleanse them and get rid of an other-worldly odor. Showering is difficult at first but not impossible. I did end up needing a shower chair for the first couple of showers and needed assistance washing my hair because I could not raise my arms high enough. At my post op checkup they said all looks well. I quit one of the final prescribed drugs I’ve been taking and am weaning off the other. Now it will just be Advil and Tylenol as needed. I’m soo glad to be rid of taking pills all the time. I finally walk normal again. For the first few weeks I was hunched over and it took more energy. Now I can walk a mile outside in my neighborhood. I can shower without a chair and by myself. I can finally pull shirts over my head instead of needed button-ups only. I’ve been sleeping in a recliner since surgery and expect to be there for awhile. I could not sit up out of the chair myself for a month. During the daytime, I can sit in a chair with an ottoman to support my legs. This allows me to get up by rocking the chair and using my core muscles to stand up. I had all these things planned that I could do while recovering but until the past couple days I’ve had no motivation or energy to do any of them. It gets tiring requiring help for what used to be everyday tasks. It has certainly tested my patience and my pride. I have been ravenous since my procedure and consumed more food than before, though it could be that I’m stuck in the house all day bored. I’ve consumed an unreasonable amount of media in my down time to the point where I think I will be done for awhile. Overall, this process has not been as hard as I expected it to be in the aftermath. The days at the hospital were unpleasant but looking back it becomes difficult to remember, which I believe is for the best. Progress feels slow but it comes in bits each day. I don’t at all regret having it done. I have learned since surgery that you won’t really start to see improvements in symptoms like breathing until around 6 months. I will do my best to keep walking and practicing my breathing until then. I intend on coming out of this stronger than ever. I want to start jogging once I have the lungs to do so. Updates will come as I have things worth saying~

[thegoldenlily3]

Part 1of 2

Trigger warning! Graphic photos in this post.

4-6-17 In the very first photo, I have a horrible tooth ache and had no idea the pain and agony it was going to bring. It ultimately changed my life and for a very long time it was changed for the worse. In the photos following, you’ll see me change and look like death and then recover. You’ll see me living life to the fullest but behind closed doors or under my shirt rather, you’ll see how much I’ve had to overcome. This is my story.

On October 30th 2013, I had a colonoscopy and was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis(UC) which is a chronic inflammatory bowel disease(IBD) and an autoimmune disease. I was prescribed Canasa suppositories and my symptoms when away for about a year or so and then came back. I had to get a new Gastroenterologist doctor because my previous one had retired. He wasn’t much help anyway. My new GI doctor was amazing and caring and she saved my life. She prescribed me Lialda(NSAID) and Uceris(steroid).

At the end of March 2017, I had horrible tooth pain and called my dentist and they prescribed me Tramadol and Augmentin. The Tramadol made me sick so I called and had them switch the med and they gave me Clindamycin and that made me sick too. They gave me Hydrocodone and that also made me sick so they just had me taking Ibuprofen and Augmentin. I started to have a bad reaction to the Augmentin and got sores all in my throat and mouth and was throwing up and had severe diarrhea. I finished the antibiotic but went to the er because of the pain in my mouth and the vomiting. Mary’s magic mouthwash was prescribed to me to help with the sores and also nausea meds. The only time I was able to get any sleep was when this mouthwash numbed my mouth and throat. For weeks, I was unable to eat or drink anything nor was I able to take my UC meds and my heart rate was high. I went to the er multiple times during this whole ordeal because I couldn’t stop throwing up and all they would do is give me fluids and nausea meds then send me home. I went to an er and waited for 3 hours all the while throwing up with no end in sight and ended up leaving to go to a different hospital. On April 15th, I was pacing the house back and forth because I was miserable and didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to go to the er yet again for them to just send me right back home. I remember I was pacing by the front door and my husband Issaac went to check the mail. I watched him and then started to say his name over and over because I felt like something was really wrong. Next thing I remember is Issaac kneeling over me and having shoes stabbing me in the back. I had passed out and my eyes were open the whole time but I was unresponsive. Issaac had ran in and thought I was dead. He called 911 and they wouldn’t answer. He used my finger to unlock my phone and dialed 911 and had both phones ringing and finally got an answer. (Fun fact for iPhones: if you press the big button on the side it will call 911 and they can track your location. Dialing 911 will not allow them to track your location.) The ambulance took me to the er and they did 2 EKG’s, CT scan(only after Issaac asked them to because I hit my head when I fell.), chest X-ray, and blood work. I was also tested for CDiff many times but it was always negative. Again, I was given fluids and sent home. They said it was normal for a lot of people to live with an elevated heart rate so they weren’t concerned. A couple days later I went to my primary care doctors office. My doctor was on maternity leave so I saw a different doctor. He did blood work and then wanted me to take depression meds. That was a hard NO! He said I wasn’t getting better because I was depressed about being sick. Yes, I was absolutely miserable and sad about it. BUT, there was something more going on. I wasn’t getting better and I knew it wasn’t my fault. I had to keep advocating for myself because I wasn’t getting help from any of these doctors I’ve seen. I think I went to the er again at some point and was sent home. Then they called me and said my potassium levels were too low and they didn’t think I’d be able to get down the prescribed potassium drink. So we went back to the er. Again. The er wouldn’t take the word of the doctor from another hospital so they did blood work again. We went to a different hospital because the wait at the previous one was way too long. So I received potassium through an iv and that is not comfortable. It burned as it went through my arm. I was also given Magnesium. I was sent home the next day.

Even though the sores were finally gone from my mouth, I was still struggling to swallow. I had my GI doctor schedule an upper Endoscopy which I had done on April 20th. My esophagus had no damage and there wasn’t anything stuck in there. While I was under anesthesia, my GI doctor did a Flexible Sigmoidoscopy. This a colonoscopy but only through a small portion of the colon. It was then that I finally, FINALLY after a month of being so sick that I was admitted to the hospital. My doctor said I looked like I was going to die. She said my colon was so severely inflamed that she couldn’t let me go home even though a patient being admitted after a procedure being done by her makes her look bad. She saved my life and I’m eternally grateful. I had 10 er visits and a scheduled dr visit and none of these doctors thought to have my colon checked knowing that I had UC and continued to show anemia in the blood tests they all ran. It all finally made sense. I wasn’t able to take my UC meds and I was taking 800mg of Ibuprofen for the tooth ache I had. This is what caused my UC to flare up. Why couldn’t 11 doctors put that together?

While I was in the hospital, I received 3 Iron infusions to raise my hemoglobin. I also had a speech therapist come in and she helped me with my throat issue. I was still struggling to swallow and she said that I was protecting my self subconsciously. She worked with me and I was finally able to swallow normally. I was so happy to finally eat a meal without a struggle. I was released 5 days later on April 25th even though I felt I should have stayed. The very next day I woke Issaac up because I was shivering and my teeth were rattling like crazy. My heart rate was 145. Issaac called 911 and we went to the er for the 11th time within a months time. I was put in the observation unit at Methodist which was in the basement because they didn’t have any rooms in the er available. I remember telling a nurse that I needed to go to the bathroom and I wasn’t allowed to get up on my own. She said ok and that she’d be back but when she got back, it was too late...She was gone for a long time. I at least was wearing a hospital gown. I was later put into constant care in the er. My heart rate had gone up to 180 and I was shivering and rattling teeth again. It was uncontrollable and the nurses looked at me like I was faking it. They hooked a heart monitor onto me and suddenly changed their tune because my heart rate was at 200. I believe they gave me aspirin and eventually I was transferred to another room where I waited for a permanent room because I was being admitted again. On April 28, I was admitted and I had another night of the shivering episode with my heart rate at 190. I’m trying to remember what this felt like but I can’t. I was so out of it and not even aware of my surroundings. It was on this day that our grass had been cut and it turned out to be our next door neighbor. We were very thankful for that.

A few days later, my heart rate was around 100 and my hemoglobin was much better. The diarrhea had slowed down so I wasn’t losing as much blood(because of UC) but I wasn’t eating either. I had iv fluids and they wanted me to drink Gatorade but my body was retaining fluids and I was swollen. That was a very weird experience. They did an Echo Cardiogram which turned out to be normal. My ejection fraction was 65% and 55% or above is considered normal. I know this is what they said but I don’t really know what that means. On April 30th, I received a blood transfusion because the retest of my hemoglobin showed 6.6 grams per deciliter and it should be for women between 12-15.5. A blood transfusion is scary. For the first 15 minutes, the nurse has to stay and watch me as I receive the blood to make sure I don’t have any adverse reactions and reject the blood. It turned out to be fine and I received at least a pint of blood. I feel I received another pint but I can’t remember. So I’ve been in the hospital for 10 days so far and I’ve been taking a steroid called Prednisone this whole time to treat my UC. I was also on morphine for the pain. I received physical therapy to help me walk but they were 3 days late. It turned out that there wasn’t an order for pt even though the doctors mentioned it every time they visited. On May 2nd, I was in severe pain and I went about 4 hours or longer without pain meds. The doctor was supposed to call them in and ended up leaving for the day without doing it. The next day, my bloodwork still showed inflammation so my colon wasn’t responding to the Prednisone. All the Prednisone did was make my head hurt sooo bad. I was taking Tylenol for it and it did nothing. My head hurt non stop for many days. I had warned them that Prednisone wouldn’t treat me right. I had taken it before and it made me so dizzy I had to have Issaac drive me home from work. This time it was just the severe head pain.

On May 5th 2017, I’m still in the hospital but I’m about to be released. For some reason my doctor was switched to a different doctor. This doctor decided to schedule for a colonoscopy. They gave me the bowel prep to drink with some clear Gatorade. This stuff was horrible. I’m supposed to drink it all within an hour and every minute of it sucked. I somehow managed to get it all down at the end of the hour. But then...I adjusted my body very slightly, and I threw it all up! I didn’t know it was coming and I had zero time to prepare for it. I just threw it all up all over my gown and in my gown and all over the blankets. I said to them, “I don’t understand why I have to do this. I have had severe diarrhea and I can’t even eat. There’s nothing in my stomach.” But they made me do the prep again... This time I drank it over the course of like 4 hours and managed to get it down without throwing up. I had the colonoscopy which they said went fine...I was still severely inflamed and they wanted to start me on a biological medicine called Humira and continue the steroids. During a colonoscopy, they insert a colonoscope into your bottom that transmits an image of the lining of the colon. The scope blows air to expand the colon so the doctor can see better. Well, after the procedure I was actually feeling alright but I had so much pressure in my belly and I felt like I needed to poop. I tried over and over to go on the toilet and it just wasn’t happening. But finally, it happened. And I was in bed...The nurses hadn’t been in for a long time and didn’t plan to be in for awhile. I was so embarrassed that I had Issaac clean me before they came in. Imagine a father changing a dirty diaper and gagging the whole time. This was Issaac and he kept running to the toilet afraid he was going to puke. To this day, we still laugh about it. It doesn’t matter how horrible the whole experience was, I can still laugh about it. Later that day, I was feeling a lot of pain and they had moved me to a different room with closer care. I remember this floor had some of the best nurses I’d ever had. Hospital policy was that a patient was to be bathed when changing floors. Issaac stood out in the hall as they transferred me from one bed to the other. This was an out of body experience and I can remember it so vividly. As they raised me off the bed, I started screaming in pain and continued to moan in pain after they transferred me to the new bed. I didn’t have any pain meds but I shouldn’t have been in pain. They were ordered not to give me pain meds because the doctor wanted me to be clear headed when they talked to me. I could tell the nurses felt so badly for me because of how much pain I was in. Issaac could hear me screaming down the hall. i was finally given multiple doses of morphine but it didn’t really touch the pain. I then had a CT scan done to see why I was in so much pain. The CT showed air outside of my colon which meant that the doctor had perforated my bowel during the colonoscopy. They started me on antibiotics and said a surgeon would be in to speak with me about possibly removing my entire colon. The surgeon came in and discussed my options. I either stuck with the antibiotics and steroids to see if I heal or I have the surgery. They said it was very unlikely that my colon would recover because there wasn’t any good colon left. I would have had to take a biological medicine for my UC which meant that my immune system would be even weaker and I wouldn’t be able to work in the Microbiology lab where I was currently employed. Even then, there was a slim chance of recovery. She said that even if I didn’t have a perforation, that this surgery was inevitable in my case. I cried and cried and cried. I asked her if I would still be able to have children and she said yes and that she would put extra tissue around my ovaries to protect them. A lot of people said I should get a second opinion but I wasn’t in that state of mind. All I could think about was being able to have children. I also did not want to be on medicine for the rest of my life.

On May 6th 2017, I decided to have the surgery. I had a total abdominal colectomy and an ileostomy surgery. My entire larger intestines was removed and they pulled my small intestines outside my stomach wall and created what’s called a stoma. The stoma is covered with a bag that has adhesive on it to stick to my skin. I essentially poop in a bag. I wish I remember more from this time. I can’t remember what it was like waking up to this. I do remember emptying my bag into the toilet though when I was finally able to walk. I couldn’t go alone though. I had to call the nurse every time I wanted to use the bathroom and there was an alarm on the bed if I tried to get up. One time I let it go off and went anyway because I had called them saying I need to go to the bathroom and they took too long. I don’t blame them. Each nurse had way too many patients to care for. At this point, my arms were completely black from all of the blood draws and IVs I received. Each nurse that came to draw my blood was so confident that they could get it even though I told them they wouldn’t be able to without the ultra sound machine. I had a nurse poke me 3 times and one of those times was in my thumb. Every time, they always had to call the team with the ultra sound to draw my blood. I had a Russian nurse for a few days and she was really hard to understand as her accent was strong. My issue with her was that she wouldn’t listen to me and would disagree with everything I said. I had been in the hospital for a few weeks so I knew what to do and I knew what my body could handle. I also had a male nurse who led me to ask my case manager if I could only have female nurses. I didn’t have a problem with the fact that he was a man. My problem was that he was too rough and he probably didn’t know it. I didn’t blame him for that but it was hurting me unnecessarily. He also forced me to walk to the bathroom on my own without help when I wasn’t supposed to be alone. I started taking walks with a walker through the halls after getting pt. Everyone who passed me cheered me on. It was extremely hard. They say every day you spend in bed is 3 days off of your life expectancy. I had been in bed for basically a month or so. After this surgery, I was on a morphine pump which I controlled and Oxycodone. The oxy kept me loopy. I was on 15 mg every dose. I hated taking it. I didn’t worry as much with the morphine as it didn’t really work for me. It helped give me relief for a few minutes but then faded. I pushed that pump button every time I was able to though. It was every 15 minutes. On May 12th, I finally went home.

Through the next couple of weeks, I had follow up appointments with my GI doctor and my surgeon. When I went to see my GI doctor, I told her about some pain I was having on my bottom. The pain from it made it very hard to walk or move or even sleep. She said it looked like an abscess but to confirm with my surgeon. So I went to see my surgeon and for some reason on that day I was pain free and happy so she didn’t think it was concerning. On May 26th I went to the er for the 12th time. I had a fever and was in so much pain. The er took me back immediately since I had just had surgery and they feared I was septic. It turned out to be an abscess and they took me into surgery to drain it. I was given anesthesia because of how much pain I was in. Thankfully I wasn’t septic and this turned out better than they originally thought. I guess since I was on steroids for so long, my body wasn’t able to fight off an infection so the abscess was very large and inflamed. I received another unit of blood and I still had a fever for a few days. The antibiotics were making me sick and I was really struggling to eat. Between the beginning of April and it now being the end of May, I had lost 30 pounds unintentionally. May 31 2017, I was released from the hospital for the third and final time.

Over the next few weeks, I was walking around the neighborhood and family and friends were coming to help care for me so Issaac could go back to work. I started to taper off the Oxy and that was not fun. I was taking such a high dose that I would nod off mid conversation. When I would wake, I would feel like I slept for hours when it was really only minutes and I would get upset because I was so tired and never really got rest. Even though I was high, I remember how I felt and the things I did. I remember trying to dance with Issaac in the kitchen when he was walking me through the house. I remember contacting people on fb that I hadn’t talked to in a long time. All I wanted to do was talk. I was oddly cheerful and accepted my situation. Anyone who really knows me knows that I am a half glass empty kind of person so this was unusual for me. I didn’t realize all of this until after I tapered off the oxy. My Dad was the only person who told me he was worried that when I came down, I would not feel the same. He knew that it wasn’t really me. I remember going to the ball park to watch a softball game with family and I ended up having to leave because I was in pain and I didn’t bring the Oxy with me. I started to cry because I was so embarrassed and sad that I wasn’t strong enough yet to be at one of my favorite places in the world. On June 18th, I was tapering and I had to have Issaac come home because I was feeling horrible and I couldn’t stop crying about it. I called him because I was home alone at this point because I could finally walk to the bathroom alone and make my own food. So I had to call in another order of Oxy to taper down slower because I was trying to go too fast and I was having withdrawal symptoms. I really don’t know why anyone would want to go through that. Eventually, I was completely off the Oxy and I was so happy to not have any withdrawal symptoms.

So Issaac went back to work after spending every single day with me in the hospital. I didn’t have short term disability because there was some confusion when we signed up for insurance together. I tried to appeal and it was denied Mid June, people from work hosted a bake sale at work to raise money for me. Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes. I never felt that I had people in my life who cared enough to do something like this. Someone also created a go fund me page as well. I was overcome with shame, shock, and most importantly gratitude for such amazing acts of kindness. Issaac handed me the money that was raised and I just lost it. I was so emotional and just couldn’t believe that this was real life. I feel like this whole ordeal is something you hear about happening but never think that it’ll happen to you. Thank you thank you thank you to everyone who contributed to raising money and helping me get better and for all of the continuous prayers during this time.

July 4th 2017, I finally returned to work. You can see through all of the photos around this time and the rest of the year that I was enjoying life the best I could. In October 2017, I started to have issues with my skin under my bag. This became an issue off and on for over a year. I had been using the same brand of products since surgery for a year and then all of a sudden I couldn’t use it anymore without having an allergic reaction. My skin would start weeping and oozing and was extremely itchy. It also burned badly which over powered the itchiness. Throughout the year of 2018 I struggled with this a lot but I still went on living. The photos I provided are to show how one day I’m very low spirited and the next day I’m blissful. And I was. I was very blessed to enjoy time with family and to go on vacation with Issaac to the Niagara Falls and to go Gen Con. Gen Con was really hard. There was so much walking and I was so weak and still hadn’t built muscles back up. If I stood on my tippy toes, I would fall over from the pain in my calves. Standing outside in the food truck lines was the worst. The heat was making me sweat and interfering with the adhesive of my ostomy bag. Little did I know that this incident would make my skin worse than it ever was before. The photos are a reminder to me of what I’ve overcome. I wanted to create a timeline and show myself how strong our bodies really are. If you’ve read this far, thank you. Part 2 will be posted soon.