#which is why ann's colors look different

[smolcatpilot]

I created of reference of my ocs, cause I'm going to be participating in artfight!! It's going to be my first time so I'm excited!!! If you are also participating and you wanna draw them, this is my profile -> https://artfight.net/~SmolCatPilot

[fluffyfantasticducky]

The Pride of a God

☆ Pairing: Loki x Reader ☆ Synopsis: You had a had a hard day. And Loki who has a deep understanding of the love of his life... And he worries dearly, but he knows exactly how to cheer you up. has always been able to gloat on his perceptiveness, but can he really figure out that a certain mortal corresponds his feelings when he thinks nobody could feel that way about him? ☆ Word Count: 2,908 ☆ Notes: This is my little birthday gift to this blog. I haven't posted often in a while given my schedule being packed and a rough deppresive episode (which is what started the idea for this fic), so I think a little drabble is a good way to try writing again. ☆ Warnings: Short, a nerd's (me) self-indulgence so it's probably cheesy and more meant to appeal to my personal taste like my spots and stuff.

Loki was a proud god. Perhaps too proud. It often was his downfall. It was partially the reason why he wanted the throne of Asgard. It was what made him butt heads with his brother. It was what so many times got him trouble.

But now on Earth he learned to take pride in different things.

He took pride in becoming and Avenger. He took pride on earning back Thor’s trust. He took huge pride whenever he rescued a civilian and got a token of gratitude, like a hug or a smile or a little Midgardian item, he may have kept a little damaged ragged doll named “Anne” a little girl gave him after he rescued her dad from a terrorist group that had her father kept as a hostage. He took pride in learning how to make flowers grow, it had started as a therapy, but nowadays it was something he did with his own hands and effort.

But most of it all, Loki felt proud of being yours. Oh, you were an exquisite and rare jewel, despite being so seemingly ordinary. But, poor souls who were foolish to not look beneath your gorgeous surface.

No one in all his over millennia of existence had anyone made him so nervous and yet so at ease. You were funny, kind, patient with him, a bit of what mortals called “a weirdo” but most of it all, you were crazy about him. And he took an immense pride of seeing how well he knew you.

He knew your birthday, and had memorized half of your family tree and could already write a biography of you. He knew your favorite color and the best tones of it, as well as your favorite fashion style. Loki had made a list of your favorite artists, movies and shows. He was so aware of your love languages that they came as naturally as breathing to him. He knew what kind of jokes made you laugh and which ones made you groan and roll your eyes. And he was learning about what you do for a living, not only about the people of your work-place and schedule, but also about how you did what you did.

Not everything was nice though, he also knew exactly what was going on through your head whenever you were upset, the signs and possible reasons. And today was one of your bad days.

He could tell the second you walked in. Usually, you arrived at your little apartment and jumped to his arms with joy. Or even call for him with a tired yet loving tone. But today was one of those days were you didn’t make a single sound but the door creaking, you went straight to the bedroom.

The first time you were like this Loki panicked, SURELY he had done something rude to upset you. He picked up a bouquet, chocolates, a stuffed animal and gave you a long-winded speech of how he was a fool, but he never intended to hurt you.

Not once had he been so relieved to see you confused. You just had a rough day and didn’t want to risk taking it out on him.

Since then, you had a ritual together. When Loki heard the door locking and did not hear your lovely voice calling out his name he knew. He set the tea kettle, picked your favorite flavor and made you some of those instant noodles you liked—despite his attempts to convince you that they were better things to eat, not that he actually knew how to cook them on his own—he picked up a little extra snack as dessert. He poured the tea on two mugs with extra honey, and he set everything on a tray of food and made his way to your shared bedroom.

He knocked gently on the door, and opened it, placing the try of food on the night table and getting into bed, scooping you in his arms, rubbing circles across your back. Loki a shocking as it may seem, was warm. Cozy, even. He smiled as he felt the tension and stiffness on your body slowly fade away as he comforted you.

“Tea, my love?” he asked, you shook your head. “Are you sure? I made the mix you like.”

“With honey?”

“Yes, with extra honey, it’d be a shame if you didn’t drink it while it’s hot…”

“Okay” you mumbled, reaching for your mug, and he grinned triumphantly as he saw the knot between your eyebrows come undone to the taste. “It’s sweet…”

“I know you like sweets…” he smiled softly and kissed the top of your head.

“Yeah, that’s why I like you so much…” you mumbled, nuzzling your face into his chest.

He stifled a soft laugh, squirming a bit under you.

“D-Dahaharling!” he laughed softly and covered his mouth. “S-Stohohop it!”

You let out a little laugh and stayed still. Loki felt a mix of pride and relief as he heard you as you finally laughed. He loved knowing you felt better, and he loved it even more when it was because of him.

“Oh love,” he cupped your cheek. “How lovely is that little grin of yours.”

“Thanks… sorry for being difficult” you apologized with a kiss on his jaw and smiled at him.

“You don’t take it out on me, do you?” he asked with a smile. “I have no reason to complain, we’re a couple, love. I remember a pretty little someone that very smartly once said that part of our job is taking care of each other when we’re low.”

“Yeah…” you smiled. “Still… I really appreciate all of this… It means a lot to me.”

Loki’s heart swelled with pride. You always said the right thing to stroke his ego, he wasn’t completely sure if you were doing it on purpose. It was something too perfectly on point to feel as natural as it did. But here he was.

You made his heart do summersaults inside his chest, cheesy as it sounded. You just made him happy like that.

“I’m glad to be of service” he responded lovingly as he kissed your lips. “But… you know, darling… I know something else that always cheers you up.”

“Hm?” you asked, spacing out for a moment. But the look on Loki’s face made his intentions extremely clear. “Oh— Oh, um…”

Contrary to popular belief, Loki was a very kind lover. Even on his most needy, bratty, moody and irrational moments Loki always put your comfort first. And he worked really hard to learn to communicate his needs. But he was still the God of Mischief. He loved wreaking havoc, it was like an itch he just needed to scratch. But he hated seeing you upset, and he knew you didn’t approve certain pranks of his.

But there was tickling. You didn’t mind that, and he loved making you laugh. If anything, tickling was a secret love language between the two of you. You were both overly touchy-feely with each other, especially when the two of you were alone. Long story short, tickling between the two of you came as natural as breathing. To the point where Loki was comfortable to be the one on the receiving end.

“What do you say, love?” he smiled.

“Um, y-yeah…” I muttered timidly. “B-But… maybe w-we could do g-gentle tickling.”

Loki smiled brightly.

“Gentle tickling sounds wonderful. C’mere, gorgeous” he smiled sweetly, opening his arms for you to cuddle.

Oh, how his heart soared when you’d dive in for a bear hug. Your strength wasn’t compared to an Asgardian, but he adored it when you squeezed him tight in your arms.

“Ready?” he asked, softly.

“Ehehehe y-yehehehes” you giggled and snuffled him.

Loki gently grabbed your hands, guiding your arms upwards.

“L-Loki…” you looked at him sheepishly.

“It’s alright, love” he whispered, a smooth undertone of flirtatiousness in his voice. “I’ll make it better, you can just relax… let me take care of everything…”

He pressed a kiss to your forehead and his hand landed on your sides, making you shiver and causing your hands to shot down to wrap around yourself and you rolled over, exposing your side now covered by your side.

“You always react so beautifully.” He smiled and gently wiggled his fingers against your skin. “Laugh for me… let all your worries melt away under my fingers.”

He went for a spot not many knew of, his finger pressed against the small of your back making you squeak and arch away from his fingertips.

“Ahahaha! H-Hey!” you giggled.

“Oh, sorry, did that do something?” he asked in feigned innocence.

“Y-You know whahat that does!” you scolded him, your nose scrunched up involuntarily like it did every time he messed with you, in a way, assuring him you weren’t really angry and it was all part of the game.

“I suppose I do” he admitted. “Doesn’t mean that’ll make it any easier for you.”

His fingers danced across your back, up and down your spine, tracing the shape of your shoulder blades, the dancing of his fingers could almost be compared to that of an ice skater. That is until he reached that deadly ticklish spot on the back of your ribs. He had you in stiches right away.

“Nahahahaha! D-Don’t d-do that!” you whined as you rolled back to laying on your back.

“Do what?” he asked innocently, stopping for just a second, looking at you like a lovestruck fool.

He was just getting started and your cheeks already had that lovely color on them.

“I… Ihihi am not falling for the oldest trick in the book” you huffed.

“Mm, it’s a shame” Loki sighed dramatically. “No matter, I wasn’t planning on stopping soon anyway.”

And with that he went back to focus on the task at hand.

Shivers went down your spine. Loki had a talent to make you feel better, his touch was always was what you needed, from silly and playful to gentle and soothing… not that the latter tickled any less. He was an expert at making you laugh, it was just a matter of knowing how much each time.

“Ehehehe…!” you giggled. “Heeheehee! L-Loki, hehehehahahaha!”

Lok’s fingers traveled up your ribs, poking between the crevices, gently kneading to make you hiccup, using his thumbs to tickle the front of your ribs, massaging with his thumbs in little devious fingers.

“Nahahahaha! T-That tickles! Hahahahaha!” you laughed.

“Oh, really? I wouldn’t have guessed me tickling you would, in fact, tickle you” he hummed, grabbing your hands, pulling them above your head.

“N-No! L-Loki!” you whined, knowing exactly where it was going.

Loki raised a finger and placed it by your hip, drawing his finger upwards against your side and towards your armpit.

“Nohohohoho! Lohohohoki!” you begged between laughs.

And just when he was going to your worst spot, his fingers traveled down back to your hips. But instead of giving you mercy, his finger gently caressed across your belly, spiraling, drawing circles and circles down your navel.

“Hehehehehe! Hahaha! Oh gahahahaha!” you guffawed. “S-Stop, stohohohop!”

He smiled in satisfaction. He took inmense pride in knowing all your tickle spots like the back of his hand. He knew which spot to touch and how to touch it to make you squeal. From a light caress along your spine, to kneading your ribs, gently scratching against… well, he should be getting to that right away, or he’d exhaust you before he could go for that little spot.

As his fingers continued his travel towards your other side, going upwards as he had done previous… except this time, he did go for the kill… sort of.

“EEEK! Hahahahaha! No pleahahahase! Hehe! Hic! Hahahaha!” you laughed when his finger wiggling against your armpit, gently scratching the ticklish skin. Such a little spot could cause so much laughter. “Not thehehehere! Not there!”

You kicked your legs around the air. It was maddening, but for a weird reason. Loki could be devastating when it came to tickling. A “you’ll be sore from laughing, dizzy and so worn out you won’t be able to move” type of devastating. But these nights he was gentle, soft… too soft. It was embarrassing how delicately he tickled you.

But the worst spot was still the worst spot. It will always make you come undone in a laughing fit, no matter how careful and softly you tickle it.

“Loki! Hahahaha!” you laughed. “Hahahaha! Stahahahap! Hahaha! No!”

Your hands went to your wrists, giggling like a dork. But he wasn’t to be stopped by a human worn down for giggling. He leaned down, and started peppering down to kiss your cheek, before his lips traveled down your neck, which only added to the tickling sensation.

“AIIIEEE! Lohohohoki!” you cackled. “Please! Plehehehease!”

Loki laughed along with you, his lips along your neck while his fingers sent ticklish shocks through your body.

“Nahahahaha! Cut it out, you jeheheherk!” you scolded him through his fit of laughter.

“Hehehe! You’re a delight” he smiled. “I could play with you all day long.”

“No” God, pleahahase no!”

“No? Darling, I highly doubt you’re in a position to make that call” he grinned, despite feeling a bit of guilt deep down, you were growing tired.

“Hahahaha!” you laughed, before letting out a wheeze. “Ohoho my god! Lohohohoki, thahahat’s not fair!”

“Mischief isn’t fair, darling” he whispered, but his hands slowed down until his hands came to a full stop, giving you a chance to catch your breath.

You smiled tiredly, your chest heaving, mixed with a few residual laughs. You were exhausted, but your chest was lighter. Loki’s tickly attack had the effect he hoped.

“Oh, is it, my love?” he smiled, “I am simply providing you a service, what do you humans call it, therapy? Mm, yes, I think that was it. Think of it as therapeutic tickling.”

“Loki…!” you blushed, covering your face with your hands.

Loki didn’t like it when you covered your face. Loki was a deadly tease, so an overdramatic reaction was always on cue, cute, but he didn’t like not seeing his lover’s face. He could take any punishment or torture, just so you wouldn’t deprive him of looking at you.

He gently grabbed your hands, pulling them away from your face and towards his lips, giving them a kiss.

“You’re a menace, you’ll be the death of me one day.” You joked softly.

“Don’t say that my love… All I want is to give you is joy, pleasure, peace of mind and heart…” he said, almost begging you for the chance. “Tonight… You don’t have to worry about anything else… I will scare away all your woes, replacing your distress with bouts of laughter…”

He sounded desperate, needy. More needy than usual.

“What’s wrong, my prince?” you asked, reaching to cup his cheek, gently stroking your thumb along his skin. “You aren’t acting like yourself.”

“I… it.. well… I don’t… like seeing you upset.” Loki looked down in shame. “Do not misunderstand me, I adore taking care of you like this! But… it’s so frustrating to see you arrive upset, and being powerless to prevent it. I worship you, you are perfection incarnate, and it kills me to think people don’t treat you like you deserve.”

It shouldn’t be surprising that Loki had such dramatic declarations. His theatricals were one of the main reasons to love him, after all. But it still was moving, because for the God of Lies, he was very honest with you, exaggerated, maybe, but it came from the heart.

“Baby… life can’t be always easy, sometimes I’ll have rough days.” You smiled, reaching your hand to scratch his scalp, helping him relax. “Maybe I’ll disagree with someone, and at some point there might be a time when I have to face an injustice…”

“I fail to see how that’s supposed to ease my nerves” Loki grumbled.

“That’s just a normal life” you laughed softly. “Life has highs and lows, and I’m blessed with a great high point whenever I arrive at home, no one else gets to have you. Who else gets to kiss the God of Mischief every night?”

“Mmm, I suppose that’s true…” he smiled cheekily. “Still… I worry…”

“Love, as much as I’d love to stay here with you all day, if you don’t let anything bad happen to me, nothing will happen to me ever.” You spoke, lovingly but solemnly, a deliciously intriguing mixture. “But I’m grateful to have such a kind man looking after me, just… I don’t need a hero, I just need you.”

“I always will look after you” he nodded. “Even if I can’t protect you from everything. I’ll be here for you, just like you are for me.”

“And I always be here for you too” you smiled back at him.

“I couldn’t wish for anything or anyone better to happen to me” he sighed, pulling your body against him. “You are a blessing.”

“Who would have thought the God of Mischief was such a cheesy guy?” you teased him.

“Ohoho? Is that so?” he purred. “Mmm… you know what will happen to you here in our little home?”

“W-What?” you gulped, already having a good idea of where that tone was leading to.

“A night full of laughter” he grinned, his fingers traveling to your body, making sure to draw every single laugh from you.

MASTERPOST

[melefim]

Swearing in Dead Boy Detectives: Episode 1- The Case of Crystal Palace

Episode Overview:

29 total, 12 different words said by 9 characters.

Edwin: 1 Fuck, 1 Damn, 1 Bloody Hell

Charles: 1 Fuck, 1 Shit, 1 Bastard, 1 Piss

Crystal: 2 Fuck, 2 Shit, 1 Ass, 4 God, 3 Jesus, 2 Screw

Jenny: 1 Shit, 1 Jesus

David: 2 Fuck

Esther: 1 Jesus

Tabby: 1 Fuck

Emma: 1 Twat

Simon: 1 Prat

Curses Per Character:

Edwin: 3

Charles: 4

Crystal: 14

Jenny: 2

David: 2

Esther: 1

Tabby Cat: 1

Emma: 1

Simon: 1

Uses Per Word:

Fuck: 7

Shit: 4

Ass: 1

Damn: 1

Bloody Hell: 1

God: 4

Jesus: 5

Twat: 1

Bastard: 1

Prat: 1

Piss: 1

Screw: 2

Lines:

Edwin: Bloody Hell! (when running from the gas mask ghost on the street)

Charles: Edwin, hurry the fuck up!

Emma: Fine you twats. How much?

David: I'll fucking gut you! (x2 while possessing Crystal)

Crystal: Oh my god, why can’t I remember?

Crystal: It's just a stupid fucking name.

Edwin: I'll jot that down in my journal of opinions I do not give a damn about.

Crystal: Jesus, where did he go?

Charles: Piss off, cat.

Tabby Cat: Fuck you. I'm not telling you nothing about that house or the witch inside

Crystal: Oh, Jesus. I'm gonna wait in the bathroom until they leave.

Crystal: Holy shit, did you take some of my memories? I don’t have some screwed-up amnesia, you took them.

Crystal: God! I just need a second, okay?

Crystal: So maybe he's our fucking demon now!

Simon: Give this little prat a proper scare.

Crystal: God, I just want to take their heads and just crush them together, I am so mad!

Jenny: Maybe you catch someone on a good day and they care about you for like a minute, and then they go right back to caring about all their own bullshit.

Crystal: Jesus, I am such an idiot.

Crystal: Oh my god, I never even thought about the fact that they could still be alive.

Edwin: Police don't know what to do with a fucking witch!

Charles: The little bastards are pretty clever, and their scratches sting like fire.

Jenny: Jesus! I thought you were like a meat robber!

Crystal: Which was totally my bad and very screwed up and I should have told you everything.

Crystal: Holy shit. (Edwin tells her about girl turned into small piece of plastic)

Charles: Look Edwin, you're the smart one, and I'm the one who does shit like this.

Esther: Monty! Jesus! I'm trying to threaten some kids!

Crystal: He's still a stalker, still an asshole. But I am going to get my memories back.

Notes:

Both of David’s “I’ll fucking gut you”s are said while possessing Crystal during the subway fight. These were counted under David’s total, and not Crystal’s.

Not Included:

Crystal flips off Edwin in the malt shop

Not a curse, but…

A “Mary Ann” was slang for “an effeminate male homosexual; a young boy used as a catamite in prison.”

Edwin is called this 8 times during his sacrifice: three times by Simon, and then it is chanted an additional five times by all the boys.

Is this a curse? I dunno, I’m not British:

Charles: “Piss off, cat”

Simon: “Give this little prat a proper scare”

UPDATED:

-Updated to include the two British curses above (thanks @cheriebryantsart!) , ‘screw’, and an ‘oh my god’ from Crystal I missed- all charts and text should now be updated and accurate!

- Replaced ‘Uses Per Word’ chart with a version with better labels.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

More Dead Boy Detectives Swearing Posts:

Masterlist

Swearing by episode

Swearing by character

Swearing by word

All Swearing posts

And if you like lists of things like I do, you can check out my other Dead Boy Detective ones here!

When Charles’ Shirt Colors Change

George Rextrew’s Edwin comic inspo board

Full soundtrack with timestamps

Moves, Incidents, and Cases Masterlist

First pass at finding where the songs in the score are used- full post with timestamps in progress.

[heychucklenuts]

RED vs BLU Merc Name Headcanons + Differences

Within TF2 it's a bit ambiguous as to whether the BLU Mercenaries are clones of the RED Mercs, if they're Doppelgangers, or some other third thing. I like to think they're Doppelgangers, and as a result, this post is gonna be both my headcanons for the names of the RED and BLU mercs (obviously canon names such as Demo or Engie's will be left in tact). Also slight comic spoilers may apply so be wary for that.

I'll not only showcase the Mercs names, but also differences between them.

If a Mercs name is the same color as their team (so, the name is red or blue), that means that is their canon name. If only one part of the name is highlighted, that is the only canon part of the name.

Without further ado, the names for the Mercs:

Scout

RED: Jeremy Herring Surname taken from one of the surnames Jerma985 has been known with: Harrington. Unsure whether this is his real surname or another cruel joke. Also a slight pun with Red Herring. His first name should be a bit obvious here, as he's named after Jerma. BLU: Jesse Alibert Honestly I've probably thought of the name because of Jesse Pinkman, unfortunately. Surname is another variation of one of Jerma985's perceived surnames, this time being the world famous Elbertson surname.

Differences:

Jeremy is well known for being the rough and tough Bostonian he is, having grown up as the runt within a family of seven (7) older brothers. He's fought his way to get what's his, and he makes sure nobody stands in the way of him and what he wants. Jesse on the other hand is someone who you shouldn't fuck with. He grew up as the older brother to a little sister, so obviously, he grew protective of her, and has beaten plenty of guys up as a result. You cross him once, you're already on a watch list. Cross him twice? Obituary.

Soldier

RED: Jane Doe This is Soldier's already perceived name, a name given to either unidentified women, or women who's names are being withheld for other reasons. And what's to say this isn't his real name? BLU: Annie Roe As much as I wanted to go down the road of just calling him "John Doe, I felt that to be a little too easy. So, I looked up a list of placeholder names used aside John and Jane Doe, and ended up combining two placeholder names, one used primarily in the UK (Anne Other/A N Other), and another US variant of the placeholder, this time Jane Roe. I chose to change his name to Annie for two reasons: Annie Oakley, and there was an American clinical psychologist and researcher by the name of Anne Roe, so I wanted differentiation.

Differences:

Jane is who we know best, our jingoistic, lead-poisoned patriot himself. He's reckless, he's loudmouthed, but nevertheless he is passionate about his livelihood, about his country, and about his team. To him, he's served his time in the armed forces, being a part of the great Gravel Wars. God bless Teufort. He tries his damnedest to be the authority of his team. Annie is on a similar page as Jane, not much difference between the two, outside of the fact he has been in the army before, though not for long. The biggest difference would be how he seems to be a bit more closed off than Jane, a bit more to himself. He doesn't seem to fully understand at times that there is a time and place to brawl.

Pyro

RED: Pyro or Lumbre The Pyro's name is one of mystery, though I'm going off a particular headcanon I have seen before, or a speculation Pyro may be from Mexico do to a lot of their cosmetics being Mexico-themed. Therefore, I'm not necessarily giving them a name, more a placeholder word, one that can mean fire or light depending on it's context. Why I say Pyro or Lumbre is that we never know, perhaps Pyro is their name. Name not highlighted do to it being Pyro's name as a Merc rather than their real name. Allegedly. BLU: Cryo or Tsumetai (冷たい) A bit of a different take on the Pyro, which I'll get into later in the differences between the Merc counterparts. Cryo would be short for Cryomaniac, an opposite to Pyro's full Pyromaniac title. The other name, Tsumetai, comes from Japanese. It describes more something feeling cold. than yourself being cold. And the reason for the Japanese name is because of another speculation, of people believing Pyro is Japanese do to their "Hadouken" taunt from holding the Shotgun or Flare Gun. Obviously this is a Street Fighter reference, and thus some believe Pyro to be Japanese as a result.

Differences:

Pyro is notorious for being ruthless on the battlefield, burning everything and everyone that they can. But, to them, it's not destruction. If anything it's creation. They're creating a lovely world of candy and unicorns, with all of their friends there to celebrate, and those from the other team there to play. Surely they're just having fun, right? ...Right? Cryo. The opposite to Pyro. They see the beauty in fire, yes. But they adore the opposite too. Ice so cold it burns your flesh, causing severe frostbite, and necrosis. But again... al they're doing too is just playing. They're bringing everyone into their winter wonderland, to make snowtanks their friends and having snowball fights with the other team. Ice can't hurt that bad... it's what makes some of the best desserts. It's what makes people happy on a hot day.

Heavy

RED: Mikhail/Misha Medved Heavy's name Mikhail, or Misha for short, is already known to be canon. As for his last name, I decided to go with one that revolved around his bear theme in the game, having 5 bear-related cosmetics, as well as his fighting and killing a bear in the comics. The surname itself means "bear" in several Slavic languages., as a side note. Funny enough in researching this, I saw a retired Ukrainian decathlete by a similar name. (Translated to Russian his name is Mikhail Medved, but in Ukrainian it's Mykhailo Medvid.) BLU: Yuriy Kaban I wanted to give BLU Heavy a similar name type assigned to RED Heavy; I.E. having a more common first name, and a surname based off of an animal to represent them. While part of me wanted to assign BLU Heavy a surname meaning wolf, I decided instead to give him a name meaning boar. And, supposedly I'll say, the word "kaban" translates to boar, or wild boar.

Differences:

Stoic yet lovable, Heavy cottles his beloved Sasha as he takes down enemies. Of course, don't take him as someone who's cold and ruthless, he can be warm and vibrant, especially given he's a big brother to Yana, Zhanna, and Bronislava. His love for Sandviches helping to feed all of the other mercs, and his love of (and doctorate in) Russian literature making him so well read. But again, don't doubt him. He's the same man who can turn around and slam a bear on it's back and kill it if he chooses to do so. Yuriy is a man shrouded in mystery... somehow a bit more so than Spy is. For whatever reason he'd rather keep his past hidden from everyone else. What is known is he has a younger sister, similarly to Misha. It's theorized he came from similar origins as Misha, but something happened to the majority of his family before being sent to the gulag. While as deadly as Misha, he practices gentler hobbies to relax, such as sewing, or reading. He likes to take book recommendations from the other Mercs, and maybe even from Misha himself.

Demoman

RED: Tavish Finnegan DeGroot A man of many names, three to be exact. And All of these names boast some sort of a significance, being there as references to different cultural terms. Those being Black Scots, Black Irish, and Black Dutch, in that order. The last two being in reference to black people who have some ties to either Ireland or the Netherlands, but those ties not being ethnic. Meanwhile with Black Scots, that's more in reference to those descendant of freed African house servants who stayed in Scotland. All that is in blue is referenced from Demoman's official TF2 Wikipedia pageb and I felt it nexessary to elaborate more on that as I've done with some of the other Merc's names, and their origins. BLU: Aulay/Owl Tuinstra His first name is an interesting one, with one of its name variants (or one of the Anglicized versions of his name) being Humphrey. Aulay has a certain feel to it though that, to me fits a Demoman, and his nickname Owl may showcase his personality versus the RED Demoman. The surname of Tuinstra is a mixed one, being of West Frisian and Dutch origins, and his surname could roughly translate to "inhabitant of a garden", Tuin meaning garden, and the West Frisian suffix -stra meaning inhabitant of.

Differences:

The loveable drunk himself, Tavish is someone who defies all logic by being able to drink heavily, and not feel a thing. Though being in love with his own liver has something to do with it. He's a dastardly foe shooting bombs for people to step on and blow themselves up. Tav himself is damn well a multi-millionaire too, holding down three jobs, even if his mom says he's lazy. He's hardworking, and he's someone you don't wanna fuck with. Coming from more humble beginnings than Tavish, Owl grew up on a farm his family owned, still receiving the same scoldings of not working hard enough, despite being a bit wealthier as an adult. Like Tav, he's a man who can pack scrumpy and other types of alcohol. His nickname Owl does give a hint as to who he is though, being logical, independent, and a bit curious about different things... including cracking the cosmde between the RED and BLU team's relationship.

Engineer

RED: August Conagher Not too much to say about the Engineer in RED, or his name. These two get to be our mystery Mercenaries for the time being. BLU: Dell Conagher The real Dell Conagher, as shown in both the story comics, and Loose Canon. There's not much that I can say about him, or his name, other than that the BLU Engineer is Dell Conagher.

Differences:

The Engineer in RED, the one who may be a little too interested in how to become robotic, but he isn't the Engineer we've come to know. August's past is for his eyes only, being someone of an unknown past, but of possible relation to Dell. He seems to deny that though... possibly angry at the man for keeping Radigan's plans and blueprints all to himself. Dell is who we have come to know as the Engineer. He's the lovable Texan with a bit of a sadistic streak at times, and someone who also holds plenty of secrets, namely from his team. He's loyal to The Administrator and to Mann Co. as a whole, God knows what would happened if he went against the company.

Medic

RED: Dr. Ludwig, Ludwig Humboldt, Joseph Ludwig The only thing that is confirmed regarding Medic's name is some aspect of it being Ludwig. It was thought for a while this may be his last name, due to page 208 of The Naked and The Dead. The only reason this ever got questioned was because of the Rottenburg map, and the pharmacy named Humboldt's Pharmacy. Due to some of Medic's past lore, this likely caused people to wonder if Ludwig was his first name, and the pharmacy being of his actual surname. Though there was also the name given by Gaming Heads when they were promoting the Medic figuring: that being Joseph Heliburger. Though this is said to be non-canon. So, while his name is left as Dr. Ludwig, or Mr. Ludwig, I could see his name being either or of the names I listed above as headcanons. BLU: Andrea Weis An example of me kind of just picking and choosing what felt right, for some reason this name stuck as a possibility for BLU Medic. The name Andrea can mean manly, and is of Greek origin, while Weis can mean clever, wise, or experienced, which I think fits with the Medic class as a whole. Not to mention the possibility of BLU Scout getting pissy with him and calling his Dr. Whizz, and getting a kidney removed as a result.

Differences:

Cruel, sadistic, a strong love for bones and gore. Dr. Ludwig is a strange figure of mysterious origins, and while he is someone who wants to experiment for his own pleasure, don't get the wrong idea about him. He's not entirely careless though, caring about his team, and their well-being. He shifts all medical logic in their favor, as well as all standard logic to ensure he owns all of their souls. That way, in life and in death, the team may always be united. Dr. Weis on the other hand is a much more careful figure, even if he does take a same sadistic pleasure in what he does. And unlike Dr. Ludwig, he's actually gone to medical school. Weis does his job, being the teams healer, but other than that, he's a bit more to himself, usually found in his lab studying, or working on an unnamed cadaver. He prefers the quiet, as the constant calls to him can get a bit grating on the ears. So much so to the point he's considered quitting, but the unlimited money is too worth it to leave.

Sniper

RED: Mick Mundy At least a half of his name has been confirmed, with Mundy being his surname, and what he seems to go by the most. As for his first name being Mick, I'm genuinely unsure if that's been officially stated as being his first name, seeing as it was just on the back of the box of the Sniper action figure. One thing to say though, if it turns out his name is Mick, part of me wonders if he's using a shortened version of the name Michael, and doesn't like people calling him by his first name. Not to mention his supposed first name seems to be a Crocodile Dundee reference (not surprising since he has the Crocodile Mun-Dee cosmetic.) Other than that, the surname Mundy is a bit rare to come by, and either comes from Norman or Irish origin, and could possibly mean "Son of Monday". And his birth name Mun-dee is offbranded Superman lore, if Superman were a sniper instead of a superhuman. BLU: Lawrence/Laz Walker Pivoting from RED Sniper to what I assume could potentially be a more common name. I'll be honest this was one of the names where is was a series of shrugs instead of thought, mostly due to Sniper cosmetics, and the fact some people may have believed his name to be Lawrence because of the Lawrence of Australia item set. (A reference to the 1962 film Lawrence of Arabia.) As for the nickname of Laz, I can only explain it as it sounds more like a name for a Sniper than Larry. Do not question me. As for his last name Walker, I just decided "fuck it", giving him the 14th most common last name in Australia, versus RED Sniper's more unique last name.

Differences:

Adopted to Mr. and Mrs. Mundy, hailing from New Zealand to then be shot to the surface, raised to be Australian. Mundy isn't cruel like Dr. Ludwig, quite the opposite. He takes his job seriously, every shot being calculated to a T. Not exactly the friendliest of people, seeing as his job has had him isolated for long periods of time, but he's not completely cold to his team. He hangs out with them, he has fun with them. Serious and stoic he may be, he's found a love for his job, and for his teammates. Contrary to popular belief, he does not smell like piss. He takes care of himself and makes sure he's fresh for the day. Laz was born and raised in Australia, living in one of the underground homes of Coober Pedy up until he became an assassin. A cozy life for him he wishes to return to, but the town of Teufort offers an odd familiarity to him. It isn't the same, no, but it suffices. Laz isn't so much cold as he is introverted, preferring to keep his peace rather than interact with the other Mercs too much. The more he's worked with Team Fortress though, the more he's opened up, telling the Mercs stories of when he was growing up, and what it was like to have to dust yourself off after using the bathroom, or getting knocked on the head by loose minerals. Cryo seems to try and help Laz fill in the void of that by dropping sand and pebbles on him at random.

Spy

RED: René Èviter With RED Spy, I wanted to give him a very common French name, as that's what I feel like suits him the best. Thus, I named him René. (Bonus points because in the back of my head I can hear his full name being Simon René Èviter, with him usually omitting his first name. That's a give or take though. As for his surname, Èviter... it roughly translates from French to "to avoid", which is both a pun off his spywork, and his role as Scout's father. BLU: Florent Mercier More of a unique name, to a degree, and there's a reason why I named him Florent which I'll elaborate on shortly. I'll say I believe him to be RED Spy's more sensitive counterpart, so giving him a name that may be seen as more delicate in nature (translating to "flowering" from French), was a good choice. His surname, I just chose at random. Though I had to pivot from calling him Mercer as that's more an English and Scottish (and I believe Catalonian) variant, whilst Mercier is the French version, translating to "merchant".

Differences:

René is a sneaky man, conniving and quick footed. Nothing is known about him, where he lived, or even really who he is. All that's known is you should watch your back for him... and that he's quite the ladies man, seeming to sweep the Scout's mother off her feet, as well as countless other women. Make no mistake, he can steal your lady like he steals control points. More on the side of planning before acting, and less of a braggart, Florent lives up to a delicate nature. He's not someone who shies away from confrontation, no. He'll take a person head-on for whatever it is they've tried to do to him. But he isn't as flashy as his RED counterpart, preferring to stay humble about his spending habits. In his case too, he seems to be a little more than just a ladies man, rumors circling around the base that he may have a fondness for men too...

This took way too long to work on by the way, couple that with my newfound headache.

Was gonna do age headcanons too but I wanna sleep.

[lenorashore]

 In The Shadow of The Table

Fun in the Library - A sneak peek chapter of my Seb x f!MC fic Velvet Whispers, releasing next week! *edit:* It's here! Tags: H.job, public mstbn., s*men swallowing, Sebastian x MC Rating: Mature Words: 1.6k

The library was quiet, the only sound being the soft rustle of pages turning and the occasional creak of shoes on the floor. Books lined the walls from floor to ceiling, their spines a kaleidoscope of colors and titles. It was the perfect place to lose oneself in literature, but for Sebastian and MC, it had become something far more enticing.

It had been a few weeks since the two had become "official" — especially in the most intimate sense. Sebastian made it clear to everyone that she was his, staking his claim with a possessiveness that discouraged even a passing glance in her direction. She didn’t mind; in fact, she enjoyed the role, relishing the pride he took in her.

They had decided to spend some time researching various trails of the highlands, meticulously preparing for their search for Anne, which would begin the next day. But while Sebastian busied himself with the logistics, MC had taken a moment to dive into her own research. She was intrigued by the differing reactions to natural-born magic and wondered why her ancient magic didn’t surge with Sebastian like it had with Garreth and Rookwood. The question lingered, stirring a mix of curiosity and unease.

She was about ready to put down the book and rub her temples when she noticed an entry regarding the lustful and adoration-related effects of magic. She quickly skimmed the page and her eyes widened at what she read.

The Instinctive Shield of Natural-Born Magic

Natural-born magic, unlike learned or acquired magical abilities, possesses an inherent connection to the wielder's very essence. This deep-rooted bond fosters a unique protective instinct, manifesting as an automatic defense mechanism during moments of peril. Scholars often refer to this phenomenon as the "Instinctive Shield," a term that captures both its immediacy and its life-preserving intent.

When the wielder encounters danger — whether physical, magical, or emotional — the magic reacts without conscious effort, deploying defenses tailored to the nature of the threat. The instinctive response often aligns with the wielder's unique magical affinity.

What makes this phenomenon particularly remarkable is its ability to detect emotional danger that the wielder cannot, such as instances of lovemaking with an individual who is not considered to be their soulmate. The magic is capable of predicting one’s future and, in likeness, can warn the wielder of the unsuccessful fate of a current relationship, especially during lovemaking upon penetration. Unlike deliberate spellcasting, which requires focus and intent, the Instinctive Shield operates on a subconscious level.

She covered her mouth at the information. Her magic… had been trying to protect her.

It somehow knew that Garreth and Rookwood were both only trying to take advantage of her. It was trying to warn her that neither of them was her soulmate. But apparently, Sebastian was?

She looked at the boy sitting right next to her, his brown hair fell gracefully over his forehead, giving him a slightly disheveled yet undeniably charming appearance. Her mind flashed to their first night together.

“Come, darling. Let me feel you.”

She instinctively closed the collar of her shirt, a comfort mechanism to the rising heat between her legs.

"Let me in..."

Her breath hitched in her throat and she could feel the sweat beginning to drench the hair at her temples.

"So fucking tight..."

Suddenly, he adjusted in his seat and the outside of his thigh rested against hers. She clasped her hands together in her lap, almost as if to prevent her arousal from escaping. She looked over at Sebastian. He was focused, almost too absorbed in his research to notice her subtle movements. She watched with bated breath as his veined hand moved slowly down the page, his fingers tracing the delicate script with a reverence that made her bite her bottom lip.

After taking a moment to look around the mostly empty library and ensure no one was around or staring, she leaned over, her hand slipping beneath the table, brushing against the cool wood until her fingers found what they were seeking. 

His trousers were a barrier, but not an impenetrable one. With a slight tug, she managed to free the hard length of his arousal, her fingers curling around the silken expanse.

Right before she took hold of him, Sebastian was still engrossed in the book. “I think if we take the path from the Cragcroft Floo point up into the mountains, we might be able to-”

Sebastian's head snapped up at her sudden hold around his rod, his eyes shifting between her hand and the pages before him in a mixture of surprise and unmistakable desire. His lips parted, but no words came out, just a soft gasp.

"What... what are you doing?" His voice was barely a whisper, a teasing mix of disbelief and longing.

She bit her lip harder, savoring the thrill of the forbidden act. "Just helping you focus," she replied with a giggle, her voice steady despite the tremor in her hands.

He swallowed hard, the movement of his throat stark against the dim overhead lights. "Here? Now?"

She nodded, her grip tightening slightly as she began to stroke him with slow, deliberate motions. The fabric of his trousers provided little resistance, allowing her fingers to glide along the full length of him. Sebastian's breath hitched, his eyes fluttering closed for a brief moment before snapping open again, riveted on the pages to not arouse suspicion.

"God, you're bold," he muttered, his voice strained.

She smirked, her thumb flicking over the tip of his erection, feeling the moisture there. "Only for you."

Sebastian groaned again, this time louder, his hips shifting subtly in response to her ministrations. His free hand dropped to the table, gripping the edge as if to anchor himself. The intensity of his reaction spurred her on, her strokes growing firmer, faster, each movement calculated to bring him closer to the edge.

"Fuck," he breathed, his eyes half-lidded with lust as he tried to focus on the book. "I didn't think..."

She leaned in closer, her mouth inches from his ear. "Shh, don't speak," she whispered, her lips grazing the sensitive skin just behind his earlobe. The gesture caused him to jerk in her hand, a small, involuntary motion that spoke volumes.

She returned her attention to her task, her fingers working expertly now, knowing exactly how to drive him wild. The heat from his body seeped into her palm, warming her skin as she stroked him with increasing urgency. Each pass of her hand brought him closer to the precipice, the tension in his body becoming almost unbearable.

"Please," he rasped, his control fraying. "Don't stop."

She didn't plan to. If anything, her pace quickened, her thumb swiping over the tip in a way that made him shudder. Sebastian's head fell back, his torso arching slightly as he struggled to maintain his composure. The muscles in his forearm tensed, his knuckles white against the wooden table.

"You're killing me," he groaned, his voice breaking.

She grinned wickedly, her confidence growing with each passing second. "Good," she murmured, her mouth now dangerously close to his. "Because I want you to remember this."

Sebastian's eyes snapped open, a fierce blaze in their depths. "No one has ever... done this to me before," he confessed, his voice raw with emotion.

She leaned in further, her lips brushing his lightly. "Then let's make sure you never forget."

With that, she tightened her grip once more, her strokes mirroring the rhythm of her racing heart. Sebastian's entire body stiffened, his breath coming in short, ragged gasps.

"Just like that…" he whispered, his eyes closing again as he surrendered to the sensation. Her hand moved like lightning, the friction building to a fever pitch. Sebastian's hips bucked involuntarily, his back arching as he reached the point of no return.

He gripped her shoulder and whispered with intensity, “MC!” 

Her name on his lips was all the confirmation she needed. She could feel the pulse in his cock, the way his body tensed, signaling the impending climax.

With one final, determined stroke, she squeezed just below the head, applying enough pressure to send him over the edge. His entire body stiffened, his toes curling as he let out a choked moan. Hot, sticky fluid spilled over her hand, the sensation making him quiver uncontrollably.

His release echoed in the quiet library, a testament to the intensity of the moment. His fingers loosened their grip on the table, his body sagging slightly as he came down from the high. She remained still, her hand still wrapped around him, allowing him to savor the afterglow.

Sebastian took a deep, shaky breath, his eyes slowly opening. He looked at her, a mixture of gratitude and amazement in his gaze. "Wow," he whispered, his voice soft and tender. "That was... incredible."

She smiled, feeling a sense of accomplishment. Keeping her eyes locked with his, she brought her hand up to her mouth and licked it clean, a deliberate act for him to witness. His lips remained parted, his breathing heavy as he took in the image of her swallowing his essence. She gave him a sultry wink and released a finger from her mouth with a pop.

Sebastian shook his head in disbelief at her forwardness with a smile as he adjusted himself, straightening his clothes with a sheepish grin. "I don't think I'll ever look at this library the same way again," he said, his tone light but filled with meaning.

"It's nearly curfew, students," Madam Scribner's voice called out from across the room. "Everyone back to your common rooms now."

As they gathered their things preparing to leave the library, Sebastian reached out, gently taking MC's hand. "Thank you.”

She squeezed his hand in return, a silent promise of more to come. "Anytime, sweetheart," she replied.

With a final glance at each other, they both stood up, blending back into the flow of students leaving the library. Yet, the memory of what had transpired beneath the table lingered, no doubt staying with her forever.

[1d1195]

Half & Half

Here is my new soulmate idea. (New meaning different than my other ones I wrote back in the day.) A tattoo appears on the left ring finger of each person when they turn 16 years old. It’s a black outline, nothing crazy—obviously, it’s on the ring finger. It has to do with how you meet your person. (You’ll see in a second.) It’s vague, there’s not much rhyme or reason.

Q&A (because I feel like there are always questions when it come to soulmate ideas):

Q: Sam, won’t multiple people have the same tattoo? A: Great question. Potentially. It’s irrelevant though for the sake of the story.

Q: How do they know it’s their other half? A: Another good question. The pair of tattoos change to the same color.

Q: Well, Sam, hypothetically, if four people are in the same room and meet their respective half can’t they all have the same color change? How will they know which person they belong with? A: It won’t happen. Q: How do you know? A: Because I wrote it that way.

Q: What happens if you don’t find your soulmate in this universe? A: Then you’ll be sad like Harry.

Q: What do you mean Harry is going to be sad?! A: Warnings: Lots of angst, sad, pining Harry, mentions of death, mentions of sex (pg-13 at most)

If you have any questions, please feel free to ask! (But be warned I'm making this all up on the spot!)

That’s it. That’s all you get. (there will also be like one or two liberties I'm taking with this idea that may have forgot to disclose that you'll read in a few minutes). A black tattoo that marks how you’ll meet your other half. When you meet that person, the pair of tattoos change to the same color. I don’t have a preview for you because this turned into a lengthy foreword. Enjoy :)

How can you miss someone you’ve never met? / Cause I need you now, but I don’t know you yet / But can you find me soon because I’m in my head? / Yeah, I need you now, but I don’t know you yet.

Harry looked at the little tattoo on his ring finger. He’d been staring at it since he was a teen. The morning of his sixteenth birthday to be exact. It was small, the length of his first knuckle to the next and he thought it was a cruel fate that it was a little coffee cup. How was that supposed to narrow his search? Why couldn’t it have been something like Niall’s—a snake? How often did one encounter a snake? That would be easy (and it was for Niall). Or something like Gemma’s—a diploma? There was only a certain number of graduations Gemma anticipated attending.

That was more than twelve years ago he woke up with the taunting little marking. For the first week he drank no less than four cups of coffee a day and had his mum drive him all over town to the different shops in hopes of finding her. Anne took it all in stride knowing how she spent eight hours at the library the first day she saw the book tattoo on her finger when she was Harry’s age. It was just something that needed to be done. The heart wanted, what the heart wanted.

He wished he knew what was on his love’s ring finger. It would have been better if the two markings were paired in the tattoo that appeared on his skin. It wasn’t much help to know it had something to do with their first meeting. It could be anywhere. Harry could have coffee anywhere. After that first week, he decided to relax. He was sixteen. There was plenty of time to meet his soulmate.

But sixteen became seventeen and suddenly he was twenty-eight, no soulmate, and the little coffee cup on his finger mocked him more and more every day. There was therapy or services he could try. People could potentially help, but it just felt so tragic. He wanted to just know. Wanted it to be a natural meeting; the way it was intended. Simply discovering one another exactly how the tattoos indicated they would. None of his friends or family needed help. The many Google searches told him it took a mere average of five years to find their other half.

He had more than doubled that time. Twelve years. The person that he was destined to meet was somewhere out there with who knows what etched on their skin. Maybe they had a coffee cup too. Harry had heard of that. But Niall’s soulmate had a balloon because he had taken his nephew to the little balloon cart after the snake exhibit at the zoo. Both the little outlines on their fingers turned green as they met. It happened. He found her.

Gemma’s soulmate had a camera—someone who happened by at the exact moment they needed someone to take a picture of their family after she graduated. Their outlines turned a brilliant shade of red. They had met. She found him. They could start their lives together.

Anyway, it was unlikely Harry and his other half both had coffee cups.

It wasn’t like Harry had a tragic upbringing that he desperately needed his love at the other end of this tattoo to help him cope through life. He adored his mother and sister. He had a great education. He wasn’t bullied and had a set of good friends. He had a stable job and a good home. If anything, it seemed kind of selfish of him to be so upset he was without his soulmate when everything else was good.

But he longed for his soulmate. All day. Every moment. It ached to his core. He swore his heart was beating for his person, tapping out a rhythm that sounded like a name that he wasn’t allowed to hear. His friends and family were all concerned for his well-being. They couldn’t imagine the heartache Harry was suffering and they wouldn’t wish it on their worst enemy. All-encompassing adoration and love? He had plenty of that to give. He wanted to be at the receiving end of it. A match made in heaven. Or whatever cosmic reality was out there. Harry had watched so many movies and read so many stories depicting the meet-cutes between soulmates. He wanted his.

There were therapies and people to help if you lost your soulmate. These, essentially, were dating sites if you didn’t want to be alone after an untimely passing or something else (although Harry couldn’t imagine a scenario that didn’t include death—what was the something else?). Harry thought about the websites and the grief counseling. Because as he approached his twenty-third birthday, he was getting lonely. All of his friends and acquaintances were paired by then and found the loves of their lives by the time he graduated university—they fell well within the average time. He was jealous, simply put. How could he not be?

“Oh, Harry,” Sarah cooed, kissing his cheek, wrapping her arm around his shoulders as he scrolled through options on his phone. She met Mitch when she was a child—the tattoos and color changing appearing instantaneously. It was extremely rare, but it was effortless: a swing and a slide. Light purple. Another match. One moment blending into the next without pause. They found each other before Harry even had a tattoo on his finger. “You’ll find her. You deserve love more than anyone I know.”

He hoped she was right because he was rapidly losing hope.

Tomorrow was his twenty-ninth birthday after all.

How can you miss someone you’ve never seen? / Oh, tell me are your eyes brown, blue, or green? / And do you like it with sugar and cream? / Or do you take it straight, oh, just like me?

Anne said the same thing as Sarah—but he thought she still had hope because she wanted her son to be happy and that’s what a mum did. She had hope even when Harry didn’t.

Harry had a soft heart. He was sensitive. He wanted to be in love more than he wanted anything else in his life. But he went through the motions. Finishing school, getting a job, and doing his best to get through each day without someone to share it with. He could feel pity oozing from every person he met, and they saw the black ink on his finger. His friends spoke in hushed whispers agreeing to any coffee shop Harry wanted to meet at each weekend.

Each night came with a fitful sleep. A different pair of colored eyes appeared in his dream of someone he didn’t know yet. There were so many dreams of meeting his favorite person. So many good ones. So many bad ones. All of which he woke up heartbroken once more, that he hadn’t met the love of his life.

He graduated with top honors because there weren’t many people in school who didn’t have the other half of their soul by their side. Especially by the end of the four years. It was hard for his friends to go out with him and watch him not find the love he was looking for. Harry wasn’t one for partying excessively—he had plenty of fun times in university with his friends at parties without his other half, that wasn’t something he regretted. But by the time graduation rolled around, the parties got further and few between. His friends didn’t need to go out the way he did. They didn’t have to search anymore.

Harry lost the most hope during his third year. He tried dating people he met at coffee shops and cafes. Dating was a loose term. Harry’s dates with those that lost someone or those that, like him, had given up weren’t all that fruitful for either party. Call him old-fashioned, but if she was out there, he wanted to save every intimate part of himself. A sweep of the lips across a cheek, that was all he could muster. Companionship to stave off the loneliness, that was all he could manage at best. Some were blatant in showing their disappointment. But most usually understood—they’d do anything to get their other half back or to find them.

He prayed to whatever was out there that she felt the same way.

The only solace he had was knowing that maybe, just maybe, she was out there, feeling just as crummy as he was. Not that he wanted the love of his life to feel crummy. At the very least, it would be another thing to tie them together and something to discuss when he finally found her. He kept a list of things he wanted to know. Several lists.

The first list was filled with superficial things—favorites mostly: color, food, movie, etc. Outward things that he wanted to know but really, they were things that anyone who knew the most basic information about her may know. The next list was slightly deeper; things that people only closest to her may know. Things that made her tick. What were her political views? Did she have a good home life? Was she a summer or a winter kind of person? How did she take her coffee--with half and half?

Is that why the coffee cup was there? Did she even like coffee? Has it been a teacup all this time?

The final list was deeper, intimate, things that he wouldn’t anyone to know about himself (or her, if he was honest) except maybe a therapist. Did she suffer her first heartbreak despite knowing she had a soulmate out there? Did she believe in an afterlife or reincarnation? Did she have any regrets or suffer ever?

Had she waited like Harry did?

Part of him hated the idea that she may not have felt the same way regarding intimacy. Maybe she gave that part of her to someone else. Someone she had met at a coffee shop and maybe she thought the tattoo changed color. Sometimes Harry thought his tattoo had changed. He believed it so vehemently. The shade of black looked gray-er one day. Another day it looked sort of navy-blue.

It was wishful thinking because even if it did, he never found who was supposed to be his other half at the time.

But he also believed that even if she did have a difference of opinion on intimacy, he would trust her judgment implicitly. She believed she was doing the right thing at the time and that was enough for Harry.

He woke up on his twenty-ninth birthday the same way he had for the last thirteen years—without a soulmate and a heavy heart.

Cause lately it’s been hard / They’re selling me for parts / And I don’t wanna be modern art

Harry started therapy when he turned twenty-seven. He was feeling very low without anyone to come home to. His therapist was helpful and extremely kind. But Harry could tell by the pink coloring on his ring finger that he had already met his other half. While his directions and ideas to help Harry cope with the grief of not knowing, it wasn’t something he could fully empathize with. Harry fully believed that. It wasn’t his therapist’s fault either—how could Harry blame him for finding his soulmate?

His therapist recommended websites with more successful ratings. His office even had a program that Harry would be perfect for. In fact, if he was interested in it enough, he would be a great candidate to speak to others in similar situations. There was a chance for Harry’s picture to be on a pamphlet to help others like him. He could tell his therapist was excited about the prospect of helping others like Harry. But it would only be another reminder to Harry that he was alone.

Harry found himself balling his hands into fists to keep from screaming.

*

His friends asked if he wanted to do anything for his birthday. For the last seven years they had done a coffee crawl in hopes of Harry finding someone that changed his tattoo for good. But this year Harry wanted to be alone.

“Are you sure?” Mitch asked in disbelief. He could hear the alarm in his voice. He could hear the covered whispers from Sarah behind the scenes. He nodded and Mitch was silent waiting for Harry to say something. But he didn’t speak for a full three minutes. When he did, Mitch wasn’t oblivious to the sniffle he heard and the way Harry’s voice broke.

“M’jus...” he shook his head. “S’fine,” he shrugged and swallowed all the emotions. He looked at that horrible, ugly, little mocking coffee cup. “Jus’...tired,” he told his friend.

“Yeah...sure...,” Mitch nodded. “Let me know if you need something, Harry. Happy birthday.”

It just didn’t feel happy.

Harry spent his birthday sulking in his apartment. He called out sick for three days of work so he could lie in bed, mourning the loss of someone he didn’t even know. On that third day he scheduled an impromptu therapy appointment begging the man to just do something to end Harry’s suffering. He wanted to be in love...he wanted to be loved.

But his therapist could only do so much. It was one big waiting game. One big, cruel terrible game.

*

“Uh...hi...m’name’s Harry,” Harry said into the microphone. He placed the guitar on his knee and brought the microphone closer to his lips. “M’therapist...suggested I sing when m’feeling down; s’been a while since I sang in front of a crowd,” he explained to the quiet group. “A way t’cope. Uh...in case it wasn’t obvious, I haven’t...met m’other half,” he awkwardly cleared his throat. “Been waiting thirteen years and four days.”

A few people had their attention focused on Harry. There were a few quiet interjections of ‘aw.’ A couple gasps of shock. There was one quiet happy birthday toward the front. Harry tuned his guitar for a moment. “I didn’t write this,” he smiled wryly. “But I believe every word of it,” he nodded in affirmation and swallowed. “How can you miss someone you’ve never met?” He began.

As he sang, he focused on the playing and singing the right words. He barely looked at the little crowd of the quiet, late-night cafe. He didn’t tell his friends about this. It was for him only. His next method of coping. When he finished the song there was a smattering of applause and he nodded gratefully, shoving his guitar in its case, before rushing outside. He took heaving breaths, the air from his lips accumulating into a cloud in the space in front of him.

That did not feel cathartic the way his therapist said it would. It was overwhelming and Harry actually thought it was one of the worst things he ever did. He felt like puking and began pacing away from the café stopping a few meters further up the sidewalk trying to console himself and his feelings.

“Excuse me?” Harry’s heart almost burst at the sound of her voice. He turned to the person hurrying up the path to him. His heart leapt but he kept his fingers pressed into the palms of his hand. He was going to leave imprints from his nails pressing into the skin.

She had a scarf draped around her neck and a pair of gloves, no coat. “I didn’t want to miss you! Harry, right?” she asked, shivering against the chilly February air pausing beside him as he looked back at the road in front of them. He gave a half nod. “That was beautiful,” she sounded like a song herself. But Harry had thought he met his soulmate before, he knew better than to get attached to just the sound of someone’s voice. There was one person he met ages ago—he couldn’t even remember what year it was that he was so sure was his soulmate. But when he looked, her tattoo was sky blue...and Harry’s remained black.

Harry also taken many science classes and knew the earth was tilted on its axis. But he was certain it had inexplicably turned upside down the moment he heard her voice.

He was still fearful it was too good to be true.

 He didn’t dare look at his finger.

“I saw you rushing out here—boy, it’s really cold! I...I just wanted to make sure you were okay,” she explained as she tilted her chin down to hide below her scarf. If Harry was smart, he would ask to go back inside so she wouldn’t freeze to death. It wasn’t his fault he was a sad, broken man.

Instead, he was speechless, waiting for the inevitable. For her to ask to see his tattoo. He pressed his fingers harder against his own hand. Instead, she bit her lip, her nose turning pink in the frosty temperature. “I brought you some hot chocolate,” she told him. Harry took this moment to realize between her gloved hands she held a coffee cup—or rather, a cup of hot chocolate. Hot chocolate. The same kind of cup that he knew was outlined on his finger. He didn’t take the drink from her. He couldn’t. Even if he wanted to, he was frozen in place.

Instead, he managed to turn his attention to her eyes for the first time. They were so gentle, so kind. There was understanding etched all over her face. Harry just laid it out to a whole group of strangers the hurt he was feeling. He knew she knew. She didn’t seem to mind that he wasn’t talking. So, she continued. “My tattoo is a guitar...and you were the only person in there with a guitar...so...it’s,” she smiled and shook her head. Like it was an inside joke between them already. It was the most beautiful sound he had ever heard. “It’s gold now, this like beautiful, shimmering gold...I didn’t even want to cover it because I want to look at it all the time—and it’s only been about ten minutes like this but—God, it’s so cold out!—but I didn’t want...couldn’t miss you so I didn’t wear a coat—can I see your tattoo?” She rushed, still shivering. The poor girl.

Harry felt lightheaded. She was right here. A guitar. A cup of hot chocolate. It had to be.

Right?

Harry shook his head. “N-no,” he mumbled. The rejection broke her gentle, beautiful features. The poor thing.  Why would he say that?! “M’scared,” he admitted.

She swallowed nervously. Her expression was a little more guarded than when she first stood next to him, but less broken than when Harry outright said no. “I just moved here,” she nodded—complete understanding back on her face. Her teeth were chattering. Harry was horrible to make her suffer like this. “I’ve been looking at this goddamn guitar for eleven years and you should know, I have no musical talents whatsoever. I took so many music classes in high school. I attended every band concert at my college. I haunted my local music store. I—” her voice cracked, and Harry heard the desperation that he had felt for so many years. It ached him to know she felt the same way. Worse than his own pain. He wanted to yank her heart out of her and cradle it, hold it and nurse it back to health. He’d give her the shattered half of what was left of his own heart if that would make her pain go away. She looked at the cup between her hands, tears lining her lashes so beautifully Harry was really starting to believe it was her.

“Baby, I threw a dart at a map,” she whispered. “I couldn’t take it, Harry. I applied for the first job I could find that used my degree in this town. I found an apartment. I packed up and left everyone and everything I ever knew to find my soulmate,” she sniffed. There were no fallen tears, but Harry thought she probably had cried plenty. Harry certainly had. “Everyone I know, thinks I’m crazy,” he knew that feeling very well. “I took the very first flight out possible. So, I’ve been stuck in my old time zone I won’t sleep until tomorrow afternoon. I was tired of unpacking. Tired of being hopeful and I just wanted to get some hot chocolate because it’s so cold, you know? So I went to this café that I Googled—it’s the only place open at eleven at night,” but Harry already knew that. She brought a gloved hand to her lips. Lips that Harry really wanted to kiss. “I know you have two years of waiting on me. I’m sorry about that—I didn’t know we weren’t in the same place, honey. I’m so sorry,” she whispered. Like it was her fault. Harry felt so broken that she was taking the blame for it all, but he couldn’t get his vocal cords to work. It wasn’t her fault. These things happened. It just sucked. It sucked the life out of Harry for thirteen years, but Harry remembered eleven years without her just as well. It’s when he started therapy after all. She had suffered too. “Please,” her voice cracked again. “I need to see your tattoo,” she begged.

It was so quiet on that cold street. His chest hurt; his throat ached. It felt like he was trapped in the smallest of rooms, the walls closing on him and pressing him into a cube of pain. He held out his left hand. She rolled her lips into her mouth. Her shoulders were heaving with the greatest weight she had ever carried. Harry wished he could be braver and help her out, but he was so terrified she was wrong. This was the closest break in his search he had ever had and if she was wrong, he thought it would kill him, surely.

She switched the coffee cup to her right hand. With her free one, she slid her gloved index finger over his bare digit. She released a breathy, watery giggle. Another inside joke between the two of them. “Don’t suppose it’s always been gold?” She asked.

Harry knew when his therapist asked what it felt like when he finally met her, he would never be able to describe the moment accurately. He tried to take it all in. The sounds, the smells, the feelings. His eyes were blurred with relieved tears so he couldn’t take in what he saw but he finally looked down at that beautiful tattoo of his. An iridescent, glittering gold. With her teeth she pulled her glove off her hand—his poor love had to be freezing but she didn’t stop—showing Harry how her little guitar outline matched the color of his cup perfectly, sliding her ring finger against his making the first brush of her skin against his the most magical feeling he had ever felt.

So, this is what it felt like to be whole.

In the same moment, she dropped the mug. It shattered to pieces on the cold sidewalk, stained her pale colored shoes in chocolate liquid and soaked her discarded glove. But Harry didn’t even have a second to react to it because her arms were around his neck. Her face was buried in his shoulder. “I thought it was a coffee cup,” he croaked, wrapping his arms around her middle. She giggled some more. It might be his new favorite sound. He pulled her close, feeling the shards of the mug crunching below their shoes. They stayed like that, Harry’s heart thrumming against his ribs, positively ready to jump into her chest to be a whole heart, finally. He squeezed her, crushed him to her, terrified to let her go. He would need a new therapist to cope with this kind of anxiety.

He pushed her back from him and he brought his hands to her cheeks, trying to take in every inch of the beautiful face he longed to see, touch, and feel every night he slept. He never wanted to stop looking at her. He was scared to let go of her for even a second.

Maybe he didn’t need to explain it to his therapist. This moment would just be theirs. A cold street, a broken mug, and two halves of one soul finally found.

He pressed his lips to her forehead then each eyelid, her nose, her cheeks. He tried to kiss every pore on her skin. “I’ve never kissed anyone,” he admitted. Her heart fluttered. “I know s’pathetic,” his lips never stopped the kisses to her face. His voice muffled by her skin. He pressed his lips again and again to the same spaces. It warmed her, he could tell. Her cheeks turned a deep red, but it wasn’t due to the cold.

“Oh fuck,” she whimpered, and he watched as the tears dripped down her cheeks. Harry had the fleeting thought that meant she hadn’t waited and now that she was finally here, he knew it really didn’t matter. “You really are my soulmate,” she whispered, which proved of course she waited—she was all his.

Harry ran his thumb along her lip and sank his mouth to touch hers. He moaned at the feeling, the warmth, the electricity that ran through her and into him. A completed circuit. Whole. She whimpered again, kissing him back and wrapped her arms around his neck again. He squeezed her close, her toes lifting off the ground.

“Can I take y’home with me, angel?” He begrudgingly pulled away. She quickly nodded, her heart fluttering at the word angel. He didn’t even mean to call her that, it rolled effortlessly off his tongue. “I have...so many questions t’ask you.”

“Please,” she nodded eagerly.

Harry held her left hand because it was without a glove. She was also still without a coat—abandoned in the late-night cafe, but they marched on anyway.

*

But I only got half a heart to give to you. / And I hope it’s enough.

Harry gave her his heaviest sweatshirt and made more tea so he could stay awake and keep her warm. Her jaw still chattered every so often, and they sat in silence for a few moments. Sitting on his bed. Harry had never had a girl in his bed before. He held her hand in both of his. The tea on his bedside table. He was staring at their tattoos. The pair that somehow matched after all his suffering. He thought gold was his new favorite color.

“I have lists,” he whispered. “Of things I want t’know.”

Smiling, that gorgeous smile of hers, she nodded easily. “You can ask me anything,” she promised.

Harry wondered if this was how all soulmates felt. To be heard and seen. This implicit need to be broken open and share every detail they could think of. “I don’t want t’fall sleep,” he murmured. But sleep was winning. He didn’t want it. He found her. He wanted to be awake and ask her all his questions. He wanted to memorize her skin, find every freckle. Wanted to kiss her again and again until he felt like his heart wasn’t half of a lump of muscle anymore. She deserved a whole heart.

She swallowed. “Harry, I’m going to stay,” she promised. It wasn’t distrust he felt. But it was a new ache that he wasn’t sure he could describe. Worry, maybe? That was about as close as he could get to describing it. He was afraid she was a figment, a dream. A really wonderful dream. “I’ll make you breakfast in the morning, it’s my favorite.”

Breakfast. One favorite down, only a thousand more to go. She gently pushed his shoulder down and she rested her ear on his chest. “Dreamed about your heartbeat,” she murmured. Harry wondered if she heard the way it skipped a beat as she spoke. He kissed the top of her head. “If I’m not right here when you wake up, I’ll be in the kitchen, alright?” He nodded. He hoped she would be here though. Waking up without her attached to him after this crazy, beautiful night might make him a little worse for wear in the morning. Would it be crazy to say he loved her? That was crazy. Whether they were soulmates or not. Despite that he did love her. “I love you,” she whispered. “Always have.”

It wasn’t crazy. Not at all. Not the way she said it. If anything, it made the most sense in the world. “I love you, too,” he felt like crying and if it wasn’t for the clock on his nightstand reading two in the morning, he might have actually cried before he fell asleep.

*

The knocking on the door woke him. So did the near shouts of his name. His love was no longer lying on top of him, but the knocking must have gotten her out of bed. It was nearly nine the next morning, the sun poking through the blinds. It was warm, his bed smelled like her.

He heard his door creak. The gasps. “Who are you?” He heard Sarah ask.

She giggled. “I’m the coffee cup,” even the way she introduced herself was perfect. Maybe he would keep the hot chocolate detail to himself. It seemed that she was willing to do the same by not telling them it wasn’t a coffee cup all these years.

“Oh, fucking finally!” Mitch cheered.

“Princess!” Niall shouted and Harry chose that moment to enter the main room, one of his best friends lifting the sweet girl into a massive hug that made him somehow feel more whole than he ever thought he could. “We’ve been waiting forever for you,” he told her. She simply giggled more, returning his hug.

“Easy, please. I jus' got her,” Harry murmured.

Sarah, seeing Harry finally appeared, threw herself at Harry with a choked half-laugh, half-cry. He kissed the side of her head. “I’m so happy for you,” she whispered.

Niall and Mitch, being the guitar enthusiasts they were, found her little tattoo unbelievably adorable and nearly unfair they had a snake and a swing. “I quite literally had no idea how I was supposed to find a musician when I can only sing—kind of.”

The boys asked her how it happened last night. Was that why Harry didn’t answer their texts or calls? Niall said he would go back and get her things—her purse, her coat, her phone. He knew the owner and was adamant that her things would be safely in the lost and found. She didn’t even care. They asked where she was from and Harry realized how gentle and guarded her answers were—they weren’t revealing, no long explanations.

She kept glancing at Harry with a knowing smile with every question she answered. It took everything in him to not cry from the fact she was keeping her answers short because she knew Harry would want to know the answers first—would want to ask more.

Sarah was looking at her as if she put the stars in the sky—Harry only knew that look because that’s how he felt as well. “Was...was it worth all that pain?” She asked. “I can’t...I can’t imagine,” she glanced at the little slide on her finger that had been there since she was six years old. She shook her head in disbelief. Sad for Harry

But he nodded anyway. As if for thirteen years he didn’t have the most broken heart known to man. “So very much,” he affirmed giving Sarah a squeeze around the shoulders.

“I was just about to make breakfast; would you like to join us?” She asked the three of them. Harry had never been an us. It was like a magic spell. Every word from her lips was like a soothing little cleanser meant to fix all the broken parts of him.

His friends smiled and looked at Harry for confirmation. If he wanted time alone with her, they would high tail it out of there, totally understandable. Niall was already calling the café to see if he could get her things at the very least.

“Please stay, of course,” he shrugged. “We’ve got forever.” Her expression seemed to melt a little at his words. He saw the way her thumb smoothed the skin over her ring finger.

Mitch and Sarah headed to the kitchen island and took their seats, they were a flurry of calls and messages to their other friends. They wanted to spread the good news and this is what friends did for someone like Harry. He didn't need to tell everyone, he had the love of his life in his arms. Niall was headed back out the door to get her things from the café. He’d be back in fifteen minutes.

Feeling more rested than he had in years, since he dreamed about the pair of eyes that finally matched someone that he knew to be his soulmate, he didn’t feel as broken. She smiled at him, gorgeously. He didn’t think he would ever tire of this new feeling of being whole. “Y’sure y’don’t mind having them?” He asked.

She shook her head. “I love them already.”

Harry knew it would be that way but somehow it was still way too good to be true. “We have all waited a very long time for you,” he reminded her. She wrinkled her nose cutely with a little impish grin. Harry placed his hands on her hips, pulling her toward him as if he had done this every morning for his whole life. “I’ve thought about you a thousand different ways and I don’t think any of them compare t’how you actually are,” he whispered.

She pressed the length of herself against him. Arms around his neck. His arms were like a vice around her waist. Harry’s sweatpants were too long on her, and the sweatshirt was scented with her new favorite smell. The love of her life. Her other half.

“Harry, I’m afraid I only have half a heart left to give you. I was really sad there for a very long time,” she admitted quietly; maybe it wasn't the time to tell him, but she needed to say it while it was on her mind. Sarah and Mitch were fielding messages, quiet giggles and words just over their shoulders while they waited for breakfast.

“Jus’ another thing we have in common,” he mumbled into her hair unfazed by her words. “We can share the whole one we make together.”

She sighed with relief and nuzzled her face into the soft shirt he wore. “You’re everything I wanted and more.”

What more could he say? “Me too, angel. Me too.”

--

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[the-habitat-ring]

The (Real) Stardew Valley Farm Update 2024

I’m wrapping up my third year trying to grow everything from Stardew Valley in our yard, with substitutions as needed, preferably with Midwest USA native plants.

I’m continuing to battle the invasive plants (why won’t the honeysuckle and thistles stop?????), beg for truckloads of woodchips (Google decided our address isn’t real anymore), and deal with a body and brain that makes going outside impossible sometimes (the past two years have been rough medically). But despite all of that I still managed to make a ton of progress!

Here’s how things stand as of now. If you’re looking back at previous posts you might notice some differences, but that’s mainly because things I planted died (drought + medical crises don’t bode well for newly established plants). I’ve also added the additional crops from the new update.

2021

Amaranth - Native white amaranth

Grape - Native riverbank grapes (so many grapes). I’m hopefully going to successfully propagate some cuttings from the neighbor’s green cultivated variety

Dandelion - Obviously

Maple Tree - Native silver, red, and sugar maples

Pine Tree - Douglas fir

Apple Tree - Three old apple trees of different varieties in very rough shape. I’ve been working to prune them up and two are looking a lot better. I’d love an Enterprise apple tree at some point

Coffee Bean - Chicory (a naturalized plant commonly used as a coffee substitute)

Salmonberry - Native black raspberries since salmonberries aren’t from around here, although I really want to add raspberries of various colors in the future

Starfruit - Native wood sorrel

Cave Carrot - Queen Ann’s Lace, AKA wild carrot

2022

Kale

Rhubarb

Strawberry - Both cultivated and native

Tulip

Radish

Tomato

Eggplant

Fairy Rose - Native prairie rose

Cranberries - Native cranberry viburnum

Orange Tree -Native persimmons, which produce orange fruit

Daffodil

Spring Onion - Native nodding onions

Spice Berry - Native spicebushes

Wild Plum - Native plums

Crocus

Cherry Tree - Native black cherries and nonnative bush cherries

Banana Tree - Native pawpaws, which are also known as Indiana bananas

Sweet Gem Berry - Native Juneberry (Downy Serviceberry)

2023

Garlic - Native wild garlic

Blueberries - I planted three varieties and only one survived. Don’t shortcut your bed preparation, friends

Wild Horseradish - Not wild, but contained with my mint

Hops - Teamaker hops which is good for tea since we’re not alcohol fans

2024

Blue Jazz - Native Ozark Bluestar

Beets

Apricot Tree - Native passionflower vine, also known as wild apricot

Sunflower - Both native and non-native sunflowers

Pumpkin

Cactus Fruit - Native prickly pear cactus

Melon - Cantaloupe

Oak Tree - Native dwarf chinquapin oak, which took me forever to get

Hot Pepper

Palm Tree/coconut - Native palm sedge

Poppy - Native purple poppy mallow, after other native poppies failed. I still want to grow bread seed poppies, though

Corn - Tried some gorgeous colored corn and popcorn that didn’t grow great but they did grow!

Green bean

Hazelnut - They’re supposed to be easy to grow but they do not like me. Third time’s the charm, right?

Carrot

Summer squash

Powder melon - I decided to do honeydew melon because it’s kinda powdery and I don’t really have any other ideas

Planned for 2025 and beyond

Potato

Pineapple - White strawberries (pineberries)

Winter Root - Hopniss, a native root vegetable

Red Cabbage

Artichoke - Native Jerusalem artichokes

Yam

Bok Choy

Leek

Fiddlehead Fern - Ferns do not like me

Blackberry

Crystal Fruit - Probably honey berries, which produce fruit earlier than anything else

Ancient Fruit - Native Aronia berries. They’re blue(ish) and have lots of antioxidants so you live to be ancient

Tea Leaves - Native New Jersey Tea bush. The previous ones were murdered by rabbits

Mango Tree - I thought one of our pawpaws was a variety called mango but I was wrong

Ginger - I want to try growing native wild ginger again

Rice - Native rough-leaved rice grass

Wheat - I have some gorgeous ornamental blue wheat seeds

Summer Spangle - Possibly native prairie lily? I was unsuccessful growing it from seed this year but maybe in the future

Parsnip - I can’t get them to germinate to save my life but one day I will be successful

Sweat pea

Holly - Native winterberry holly

Mushrooms - I'm just gonna ignore varieties and try some plugs or similar

Peach - Vine peach. It’s a melon, and more doable than a tree

Mahogany Tree - I think I’ll resort to mahogany nasturtiums

Broccoli

Pomegranate Tree - I could try Russian pomegranates?

Taro Root - I would have to plant it in pots

Snow Yam - Not actually a yam but maybe native sweet potato vine?

Qi Fruit - Very creepy, not sure what to do with this

Over halfway there! If anyone has suggestions for plants please let me know because I’m still stuck on a few and very open to alternatives.

In other news, I’m making Stardew Valley Fair displays with cross stitch patches for each of the items I’ve added that year. I’ll have to post pics of those at some point.

[plx-scribbles]

There's one thing about Armand I keep thinking about: the way Khayman describes him in The Queen of the Damned —

Then some feet behind Jesse, in the swirling color and noise, Khayman spied another intriguing figure, much younger, yet almost as powerful in his own fashion as the Gaul, Mael.

Khayman sought for the name, but the creature's mind was a perfect blank; not so much as a glimmer of personality escaped from it. A boy he'd been when he died, with straight dark auburn hair, and eyes a little too big for his face. But it was easy, suddenly, to filch the being's name from Daniel, his newborn fledgling who stood beside him. Armand. And the fledgling, Daniel, was scarcely dead. All the tiny molecules of his body were dancing with the demon's invisible chemistry.

Armand immediately attracted Khayman. Surely he was the same Armand of whom Louis and Lestat had both written — the immortal with the form of youth. And this meant that he was no more than five hundred years old, yet he veiled himself completely. Shrewd, cold he seemed, yet without flair — a stance that required no room in which to display itself. And now, sensing infallibly that he was watched, he turned his large soft brown eyes upward and fixed instantly upon the remote figure of Khayman.

"No harm meant to you or your young one," Khayman whispered, so that his lips might shape and control the thoughts. "No friend to the Mother."

Armand heard but gave no answer. Whatever terror he felt at the sight of one so old, he masked completely. One would have thought he was looking at the wall behind Khayman's head, at the steady stream of laughing and shouting children who poured down the steps from the topmost doorways.

And, quite inevitably, this oddly beguiling little five-hundred-year-old being fixed his eyes upon Mael as the gaunt one felt another irresistible surge of concern for his fragile Jesse.

Khayman understood this being, Armand. He felt he understood him and liked him completely. As their eyes met again, all that had been written about this creature in the two little histories was informed and balanced by the creature's innate simplicity. The loneliness which Khayman had felt in Athens was now very strong.

(Anne Rice, The Queen of the Damned)

Emphasis mine. This is a recurring thing: Armand is again and again described as young in comparison with all these ancient beings that populate the novel. But he's also described as powerful — as powerful as Mael. (As powerful as Marius? Khayman?) And able to conceal himself; all in all, more than a match for any vampire at all. But Armand doesn't use his power for direct confrontation; he hides instead. And it's not really even a power that comes from anything else than himself, from how he's learned to defend himself. (And the difference between the openness of the relationship of Armand and Daniel and Armand and literally anyone else? Off the scale.)

... There's a reason why everyone in the books takes the time to describe Armand as "intriguing"...

[tinydeskwriter]

Grammy Night 23’

"I feel like I'm going to burst the seams of the dress."  Y/n commented looking at herself in the mirror as Lamby's assistant finished zipping her dress, her breasts were almost bursting out of it, a beautiful creation made of Swarovski silver crystals.

 “Darling, you are going to be the hottest woman on that carpet.”  Her husband’s stylist praised her  bringing in his hand the fishnet mask with crystals that would go over her eyes and dyed peacock feathers that went on the back of her head. “See if the crystals will get in the way of you seeing.”

“Honey Baby, how do I look?” Y/n turned to see her husband walking into the room, she knew what he would wear, she had seen the sketches but it was another thing to see the final result.  Harry looked hot as hell, the colorful crystal patchwork jumpsuit couldn't be more perfect on him, it showed his chiseled body, the tattoos,  the fantastic chest his fans—and wife—are crazy about, all the hair, the lonely curl... Harry just smiled, the answer to his question was clear in the way his wife stared at him.  "See people, that's why we have three kids."  He joked pointing to his wife,  causing their team to laugh.  “You are a vision Honey.” He said pecking her on the lips, hands going to her waist. “My favorite MILF.” He whispers, kissing her neck.

“Says the man who half the internet calls ‘’Daddy’” She teases.

“Having my kids did good to you.”  He jokes staring at his wife's cleavage. 

Y/n just rolls her eyes, a smile still in her face. 

“Darling, Sue, sorry to interrupt your dirty talk,  but it’s frosting time, and then you guys are good to go.” Lambert came their way with a jewelry tray.  

Before Lamby could start helping Y/n with the pieces of jewelry they'd selected at Tiffany's in NYC the week before, H interrupted him, pulling a chain from his pocket.  

“You don't have to wear it today, I bought it as a push present and also celebrate my Grammy nominations, I wouldn't be here today without you, My Love.”  The chain was white gold, delicate with colored stones, and a teardrop diamond the same color as her engagement ring held by a fig.

The woman was speechless, looking from the necklace to her lover of more than a decade.  It was a substantial gift, but Harry had always been generous, and he enjoyed spoiling her since they’re teens and couldn’t afford diamonds. She just turned around, allowing him to fasten the jewel around her neck.  She ran her hand over the diamond, it was the exact same color as her engagement ring—a fancy green diamond almost the same color of her husbands eyes—.

“My Love… this is beautiful, thank you so much.” She turned around, taking his face between her hands and kissing him passionately, trying to express through the kiss all her love for him.

Harry smiled into the kiss, his hands tightening on her hips.

Jeff came in at that exact moment to inform them that the car was already waiting to take them from the Chateau to the Crypto.com Arena. 

Lambert and his assistant quickly help Y/n put on all the jewelry Tiffany had borrowed them, the Edwardian choker, which complemented the necklace Harry had given her, a mishmash of earrings—a massive chandelier, followed by a dainty stud, and diamond hoops—in all of her ear piercings, a beautiful Art Deco bracelet mixed with the colorful collection of  tennis bracelets Y/n wore to mark every Mother's Day since the birth of her eldest son. 

On her fingers she preferred to go with her usual rings. 

 Her engagement ring and wedding band were the only rings on her left hand.  While on the right she wore the same 'S' as H on her little finger, a delicate 'H' in colored diamonds, infinity bands of different stones, and a vintage solitaire on her index finger—a Christmas present the kids had picked out with Grandma Anne —.

Lambert's assistant helped her on with her shoes—high-heeled Mary Janes from Gucci—while she was held by both Harrys to keep her balance.

As they were rushed to the car by Jeff, Y/n remembered to turn around and ask someone to remember to pack her breast pump along with the rest of their outfits.

In the car, to try and ease Harry's anxiety, they video-phoned the children—who were being watched by Gemma and Anne—Primrose answered their grandmother's cell phone, dressed in a bear onesies that made her look like a teddy bear, showing the TV room to her parents and the snacks gran-gran made, auntie Gemma sitting in the couch  with a sleeping  baby Bluebell, the three months old dressed just like her big sister.  Otto was in the bathroom according to Prim who was chattering non-stop making Harry smile more relaxed.

It always warmed Y/n’s heart that nothing could make H as happy and relaxed as their babies. 

They said goodbye to their daughter when the car stopped in front of the arena, Y/n handing over the phone to Jeff to keep. Harry get out of the car first and waits in the doorway to help his wife out and supports her from behind as they make the slightly uneven path between the car and the carpet, his right hand firmly on her right while his left hand was firmly on her hip, and she held his wrist for more balance.  The couple made their way under the screams of fans and the flash of cameras.

It was only when they were already at a certain point on the carpet that Harry placed himself next to his wife and the two started to walk hand in hand.  They stops for photos along the way, but don't do any interviews, heading straight for the cocktail area. The couple interacted with acquaintances and friends, especially those they hadn't seen in a while. The last two and a half years have been crazy, Fine Line, Covid 19, quarantine with two young children, Pleasing, Harry filming and premieres, Harry’s House, Love on Tour and a new baby.  They were busy and it seemed like they rarely had time for their friends, as all their free time was being spent with the little  family they had created together. 

Both changed clothes in Harry's designated dressing room before heading to their seats—crystal outfits were cute but impractical when you have to sit for hours, Harry donned a Gucci suit costume made for him, while Y/n wore a silver sequin  Markarian gown matching Harry's shirt. The couple certainly looks gorgeous, always matching theirs outfits in subtle ways.

They have their hands clasped together, she holding his hands so he wouldn’t pick on his cuticles, Harry is quieter than usual allowing Y/n to take the lead and interact with other people—which, having been married to him for nearly eight years, and knowing him since she was born, she could tell it was a sign of nervousness. 

She whispered to him how amazing the album was and that he didn't need the validation that it was a little golden gramophone for the world to know that.

Nervousness turns to euphoria when Harry becomes the first winner of the night, taking the award for best pop album. 

Y/n didn't even hear Jennifer Lopez's introductory speech, her eyes focused on Harry's handsome profile.  

Y/n is the first to his feet when he hears Harry's name being screamed by J.Lo, applauding his husband energetically, the smile on Harry's face is blinding, he takes his wife's face between his hands and kisses her, before continuing to be hugged and greeted by people around the table and nearby. She has tears in her eyes, which the cameras make a point of showing when they zoom in on her at the exact moment when Harry on stage dedicates the award to his wife for being his muse and inspiration.

One of the highlights of the night for the couple was without a doubt the fact that Y/n had been invited to present the performance of 'As It Was'.  

In a gold-metal mesh top and long skirt, showing off her midriff, the woman who had become famous at fifteen as Harry Styles' 'best friend' took the stage flanked by her two eldest children, seven-year-old Otto, dressed in a pink suit and beige turtleneck by Gucci and a crochet daisy bucket hat covering his curls, and adorable four-year-old Primrose, twining with her brother in a blue Gucci suit, her curls adorned by a huge crystal bow.

“Many of you fell in love with the next artist to perform here tonight in 2011 when he became one of the members of one of the biggest boy bands in history, he has been delivering hits ever since, amassing fans around the world, and delighting hearts with his music, he is an icon, a sex symbol, and one of the greatest musicians of our time, but for us he is simply the greatest husband and father, it is with immense pleasure that I am here tonight, with our two eldest children, to introduce one of the most authentic, generous, kind artists on the planet, the love of my existence, here, to delight us with his Grammy-nominated song 'As It Was', my husband and father of my children,” She lowered the microphone, allowing the two children to squeal excitedly into the device, “Harry Styles!”  

And for the first time in a live performance Primrose was present to say the already famous: ‘Come on Daddy! We wanna say good night to you!' driving the audience crazy.

Y/n and the kids made their way to their table dancing to her husband’s song, the mother of three splitting her attention between walking in her heels and looking where the kids were going, Otto made a short stop dancing with Taylor Swift, and saying something to her that made the singer throw her head back laughing. Y/n greeted Taylor with kisses on the cheek before redirecting her son to their table.  

An extra chair was brought over for Otto—who was at the next table greeting Lizzo and Adele.

Prim sat in Harry's chair waiting for daddy, and Y/n wouldn't even insist that the little girl sit on her lap, as she knew she couldn't compete with her husband when it came to their children. When they least expected it, Harry was back, in his Gucci suit—and not in what Otto was referring to as ‘daddy bedazzled Chewbacca costume’.

"Surprise!"  Y/n sings to her husband as he lifts their daughter up, making the little girl giggle, and sat with her on his lap, kissing their daughter's cheek, and fist bumping their son.

It was a surprise she had been planning for over a week, at times she was afraid someone would let it out, especially Prim, who was known in the family for not being able to keep secrets—just like her daddy.

“Thank you, Honey Baby.” He thanked his wife with a peck, his whole face lit up with the appearance of the children. “You look godly.” Harry  complimented her, eyes roaming all over the outfit, he knew what a big step it was for his wife to wear something so daring after three pregnancies, despite her beautiful body—especially in his eyes—Y/n was insecure about her stretch marks.

“Thank you, my life.” She pulled his hand to hers and kissed the back of his hand. 

They watched the awards half-heartedly, at every turn Otto and Prim brought their parents' attention to them with funny anecdotes, and Y/n was having to keep a hand on their son's shoulder to make sure the boy didn't wander off. The family of four cheered when Lizzo was announced as the winner of Song of the Year, Otto ran with open arms to the honorary auntie congratulating her for the award, he didn't even care that 'daddy' had lost, auntie Lizzo had won! 

With every moment that passed, anxiety rose, Y/n was confident in her husband’s album—the album she had inspired—, while Harry was sure Album of the Year was between Beyonce and Bad Bunny. 

She shook Harry's hand as Noah Trevor took the stage to announce the final awards of the night, asking fans of the nominees to join him, when the comedian asked Harry's fan to read the name on the envelope, Harry broke down with gratefulness, disbelieve, joy…

 Prim clung to her father's neck screaming that he had won. 

 Y/n stood up applauding her husband, Otto hugging his mother's hips showing his father’s  twin smile, dimples and all. 

 Harry got to his feet after composing himself, smiling Primrose hanging on his neck with  her legs curled around his hips. 

Harry kissed his wife with a huge smile, ruffled his son's curls, hugged Jeff, Tyler and Tom, Lizzo, who filmed everything excited.  The singer took the stage with his children and their two producers, he put Prim on the floor so he could hug his fan and accept his award, Primrose and Otto hugging him on either side.

“Shit…well, shit.”  He looked at his children. “Sorry kids.”

H was speechless, Y/n could see it from a distance.

Jeff wrapped a arm around her when she started to tear up. 

Harry was so humbled and grateful, and this was such a huge moment in his career, and she was so proud of the man she had married.  The boy from Holmes Chapel who worked in a bakery and always came to pick her up with cupcakes in his hands and flowers he had picked from the neighbor's garden. Her husband was a three times Grammy Award winner, and he had just owned the biggest award of the night.  

The woman frowned as she heard people in the audience yelling negativity at her husband, how Beyonce should have won and some yelling at him to get off the stage. 

 This was his moment, it wasn't his choice to win, two thousand of his peers had voted and chosen him, chosen Harry's House as the best Album. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, but you don't have to be an asshole. 

 Treat People With Kindness. 

 She was happy to see Beyonce, Taylor Swift, Shania, Lizzo, H.E.R and Adele giving him a standing ovation, and hearing his shaken speech.  

He once again dedicated it to her and their kids, calling them ‘his home’. Y/n quickly joined her husband backstage, arms going around Harrys’s neck, as his hands found her hips. The couple smiled at each other before kissing passionately, his team applauding the moment. 

“I’am so proud of you, My Life.” She held his face in her hands. “You did it! You put out an amazing album, delivered a killer tour, 2022 was your year, and you deserved that Album of the Year award!” She states brushing his nose with hers, a huge smile on her face before kissing him again.

[redgoldsparks]

January 2024 reading and Reviews by Maia Kobabe

I post my reviews throughout the month on Storygraph and Goodreads, and do roundups here and on patreon. Reviews below the cut.

Electric Bones volume 1 by Hazel and Bell 

Lucian is the son of a minor nobleman and the CEO of the galaxy's biggest AI company, but he's not so rich that he can't get in trouble. After being fired as a programmer from Echo Station he joined a startup with a couple friends and is now fishing for funding at an elite tech expo on board an expensive and exclusive space vessel. There he sees someone he thinks he recognizes- Ezra, a grey robot, an fully sentient AI who worked on Echo Station as a researcher and partially cost Lucian his job. So why is Ezra now working on the space vessel as an escort? Unless it's not Ezra, but just a look-alike robot model? These questions drag Lucian into the beginnings of tangled web of intrigue which include kidnapping, AI-hacking, and murder. I've been reading this story online as a webcomic for years; you can still read all of volume one here: https://electricbonescomic.com/index.... But last year I also backed the kickstarter, and just sat down to re-read the whole story in print form, including a sexy little bonus comic. I love these characters, I love the rich colors, the lovely sense of flow and design of the pages. I can't wait for volume two!

The Fox Maidens by Robin Ha

Action packed and exciting, this family drama is full of unexpected twists and turns. I loved the focus on female characters: passionate Kai, whose love of martial arts and sense of justice cannot be contained by the normal rules of Joseon society; her mother, Meorhu, a fragile woman with a surprising past; Sura, a thief turned mercenary; and the Gumiho herself, the deadly but alluring fox spirit who impacts the lives of all the others with her magic and charisma. The art is rich with historical details, beautiful nature scenes, and fast paced fight scenes. Lovers of ghost stories, kdramas, and queer re-tellings of fairy tales will find much to enjoy here. I was lucky enough to read an advanced copy of this book! Pre-order it now, or look for it in bookstores in mid-February 2024.

A Nobleman’s Guide to Seducing a Scoundrel by KJ Charles read by Martyn Swain

What a delightful return to Romney marsh! This book picks up 13 years after the dramatic conclusion of the previous installment. Luke Doomsday is now a secretary, looking for a new position in a large house were he can keep books and solve his master's problems. Rufus, the recently minted Earl of Oxney, formerly a major in the army and son of a draper, has problems. For one, he never expected to inherit and his uncle is doing everything he can to prove Rufus illegitimate in court. For another, the previous Earl of Oxney was a selfish old bastard who let the estates fall into terrible disrepair, while Rufus' timid cousin kept poor account of the estate's money in a chicken scratch handwriting. Rufus struggles to read at the best of times, and he can barely make sense of his newly inherited account books. When Luke shows up on his door, it feels like a godsend. The men are immediately attracted to each other, though both have reason to be wary. And Luke, in seems, may have come to Stone Manor looking for more than a job. This series is such a fun mix of spicy romance, action, mystery, and danger. I'm really enjoying the setting and time period, which is just after the end of the Napoleonic wars. I really hope there will be more books to come!

Translation State by Ann Leckie

No one is doing it like Ann Leckie! This sci-fi novel uses six different pronoun sets (actually kind of seven, except one is the same set just used culturally very differently by different groups of people). It’s fantastic. We’ve got they/them, e/em/eir, sie/hir, it/its, he/him, she/her, and she/her again except used as a universal pronoun regardless of gender (which works great inside the Radch Empire and badly outside of it). I'm on the fence about whether this book can be read as a stand alone, or if it would only really make sense after having read at the Imperial Radch trilogy and Providence. I suppose it depends on what level of baffling alien customs and politics you are willing to tolerate. This book opens with Enae attending hir grandmaman's funeral, only to learn that the seemingly wealthy old woman had sold her entire estate to a stranger before her death. For the first time in her life, Enae leaves home with a Foreign Affairs job: to see out a fugitive who left Presger space some 200 years prior. Enae isn't expecting to succeed, but sie gives it hir best shot- and in doing so completely upends the lives of a widening circle of bystanders including Reet, a man of unknown parentage, and Qven, a juvenile Presger. This book finally begins to explain this inhuman and terrifying species, and the reason why the Presger-Radachii Treaty defines the rules of so much of this universe. I deeply enjoyed this installment; it makes me want to go back and re-read the original trilogy.

Brooms by Jasmine Walls and Teo Duvall 

Set in an alternate 1930s, Mississippi, this story follows a group of friends and found family who have to hide their magic from the restrictive and racist government. They survive at the margins, but they don't let the fear of prosecution stop them from doing what they love: racing together as a team. Deep in the woods seers and witches host carnival like events where racers on brooms compete for prize money and glory. Each of them has reasons why they need to win; lives and futures depend on it. This book is deeply queer with a diverse and magical cast. If you're looking for historical fiction where the trans and lesbian brown witches win, this one's for you.

Boys Weekend by Mattie Lubchansky

Sammie is a recently out nonbinary transfemm but their college friend group has not picked up on that fact yet. When Sammie is invited to be the "best man" at their friend Adam's wedding and attend a bachelor weekend at a high-tech, no-laws resort built on top of the Pacific Garbage Patch they decide to go in stealth mode. The resort is a pyramid scheme mutated with a strip club, business conference, all you can drink brunch bar, pro-gamer, most-dangerous-game corporate nightmare. Also, the waters around it are infested with terrifying flesh-eating monsters and someone is trying to raise an eldritch god. It takes every bit of queer resistance Sammie possesses to survive this bleak, hilarious, and surprisingly moving tale. In both their fiction and nonfiction comics, Lubchansky continues to hold up the black mirror to our own dystopian times.

Belle of the Ball by Mari Costa 

A very queer high school rom-com comic with a satisfying message about growing into yourself and seeing others truly for who they are. It opens with a love triangle, but subverts that form into a more complicated shape by the end of the tale. Strong character designs and very effective limited color palette.

The Moth Keeper by K. O’Neill 

In a desert village, a group of folks choose to live a nocturnal life to keep the moon company, and to care for a small group of magical moths, the only creatures who can pollinate a magical tree which helps sustain the whole ecosystem. One youngster, Anya, volunteers for the important but lonely job of Moth Keeper. She yearns to be of service to others, and feels she must earn her place in the village. In reality, help and friendship are only an ask away, and in this space everyone is cared for. This is a very beautifully illustrated and brief tale of responsibility, community, and resilience.

Feeding Ghosts by Tessa Hulls

What an accomplishment! I savored every page of Feeding Ghosts, absolutely floored by the labor and courage that went into the writing of this book. The inking is gorgeous, the history is clear, digestible, and devastating. This book threads the line between honesty and compassion in a way that I appreciate so much in any memoir, but especially one dealing with family. Hulls lays out the story of three generations of women starting with her grandmother, Sun Yi, a Shanghai journalist who faced intense persecution during the rise of Communism in China, who penned a popular and scandalous memoir and then suffered a mental breakdown. This left her only daughter, Rose, a student at an elite boarding school with no parental figures and no other family to lean on. Eventually Rose earned a scholarship to an American university and in the end moved her mother into her California home. Sun Yi haunted that home during the author's own childhood. The unexamined trauma and codependency of Sun Yi and Rose drove the author to the extreme edges of the Earth, seeking freedom from their ghosts. But in the end, she stopped running from her family history and turned, instead, to face it. Shelve this book with Maus, Fun Home, Persepolis and The Best We Could Do.

I Keep My Exoskeletons To Myself by Marisa Crane read by Bailey Carr 

I really struggled with this book. I almost DNFed at 25%. Ultimately, I did finish it, and I am glad I did because I think the final act was my favorite part of the story. However, I think the title and cover set me up with expectations of what this book would be which were very different than what the book actually delivered. This is not science fiction- despite the fact it was nominated in the science fiction category in the Goodreads Choice Awards. It is only barely speculative. This is a book about grief, depression, and parenting a baby and then a young child as a single mom struggling with loss and borderline alcoholism. There were passages of the book which struck hard, individual observations and lines which rang like bells. There is also nearly no plot and I was frustrated by the lack of world building. I wanted to know more about the laws governing extra shadows- were Shadesters allowed to vote, hold passports, travel across state lines? Had anyone experimented with the removal of Shadows? When and how did cameras get installed in apparently every home in American, and how did the government hire and pay for a workforce of seemingly 1:1 surveillance agents to citizens? Also, how on earth did Kris manage to pay for a whole apartment on a single salary working a call center job, especially when as a Shadester she had to pay extra taxes? I understand that this is literary fiction, and these questions are obviously not the ones the book was interested in answering. But it felt strange to me that a book so focused on parenting would not include a single passage about struggling to pay for or arrange childcare. The "pop quizzes" that break up the text did not work well in audio, and did not add anything to my experience of this book. Ultimately, I would only recommend this novel to a vary narrow audience of readers who enjoy lit fic, and are willing to spend a lot of time in the POV of a character teetering on the edge of a mental breakdown through much of the story.

Atana and The Firebird by Vivian Zhou

Atana is a mermaid, but she was banished from her home to live alone on island for a reason she doesn't understand. One night a curious young firebird leaves her flock in space to come down and visit Earth, and she convinces Atana to go an adventure. They are soon pursed by magic hunters, but they also make friends, and end up as invited guests in the Witch Queen's palace. She makes them welcome in her massive library and gardens, but she also has ulterior motives. This is a fast paced story of magic, friendship, and young people slowly learning about the forces larger than themselves that shape their world and their lives. I really enjoyed the art, it has a very active, energetic line which serves the action scenes particularly well. I can tell the author came from an animation background! I am glad that the ending set up potential future installments in this world.

Portrait of a Body by Julie Delporte  

I really loved the colored pencil illustrations of this book, especially the botanical drawings, and the kind of abstract relation of the text and images. I thought the drawings paired extremely well with the hand lettering even if at times I struggled with some of the cursive capitals. This is a candid memoir of recovering from sexual assault and a dysfunctional relationship to ones body and sexuality, of stepping into queerness and self-acceptance. I couldn't really relate to the author's journey, but I appreciated the honestly and thoughtfulness with which the more challenging themes were handled.

Fool’s Fate by Robin Hobb read by Nick Taylor 

This book, and this series, has earned Robin Hobb a permanent place in my list of favorite authors. This story goes so hard, weaving together threads that are 9 volumes and 30 plus years of in-story history in the making. The final confrontations, reunions, and farewells at the end of this story were hard earned and so well written. This very much felt like it could have been a final volume of the Realm of Elderlings series, but I know that there are 7 more books to come and I can't wait to see what else this series has in store for me!

System Collapse by Martha Wells read by Kevin R Free 

This book picks up right after the end of the previous volume and I had, unfortunately, completely forgotten most of the previous plot. Once I got myself oriented I still had a great time with it. Wow, I just love watching Murderbot learn and grow and solve problems in unique and interesting ways! I kind of want to go back and re-listen to the whole series.

The Chromatic Fantasy by H.A. 

This comic blew me away. One of the most beautiful, strange, artistically ambitious and deeply trans books I've read in a while. Aesthetically, its as rich as a stained glass window or illuminated manuscript. Its narrative is psychedelic but emotionally it rings so tender and true. The story opens with Jules, a transman trapped in a nunnery who accepts a deal with a devil who promises to help him live as a man. Possessed and impervious to physical harm, Jules turns to a life of debauchery and crime. Then he meets another trans criminal, the poetic thief and thespian Casper, and they begin to fall for each other. They see each other as no one else ever has, they validate and treasure one another, but Jules' devil is a jealous master. The devil would rather see Jules burn than thrive. This is one of those books that made me want to draw, made me want to write, made me want to be bolder, weirder, freer, wilder in my story telling. An instant favorite, I expect I'll return to this over and over.

Mall Goth by Kate Leth

Liv's parents are on the verge of divorce; they've just moved to a new town and Liv will be starting at a new high school. At her last school, Liv was bullied for being openly queer and an unapologetic mall goth, and she is understandably hesitant to accept friendship overtures at the new school. However, a supportive male English teacher and a fellow goth gamer boy start to make Liv feel welcome. The goth introduces her to an MMORPG and the English teacher praises her essays and gives her Lolita. Both of them start regularly DMing Liv late into the night, more than is appropriate for the relationships they have. This book is in large part about a teen navigating confusing advances and how and when to disclose things that make her uncomfortable but feel hard to speak about or define. I thought that aspect of the story was handled very well. Some of the pacing in the friendship plot lines surrounding it felt a bit rushed, a few sections underdeveloped, but ultimately I think this book tackled an important issue not often seen in YA comics. It is also steeped in early 2000s Hot Topic/emo music/pop culture references- if you were there, you'll know.

What’s Wrong? Personal Histories of Chronic Pain and Bad Medicine by Erin Williams 

Williams illuminates, through memoir, interviews, and mixed media illustrations the extreme failures of the US healthcare system to address chronic pain. These failures are especially common for patients of color, patients who struggle with addictions, patients who are queer or survivors of assault and trauma. If you had any illusions that the systems of medical care are working in this country, shed them now. This book is half cathartic, half infuriating to read. I really appreciated the honesty and vulnerability of the interviewees and the trans and nonbinary inclusiveness of the language surrounding pain tied to the reproductive system.

[mdhwrites]

Did TOH Need More Time For Its Ambitions?

No. Because Amphibia exists. Why can I say that so confidently? Because Sasha and Amity show a VERY clear comparison in how the storytelling in each show is handled and how that shows that even with a similar amount of appearances, TOH is just lacking in actually doing anything with its concepts.

(Quick interjection: Consider this effectively a part 2/rehash on why Anne's arc in S1 is so much better than Amity's arc period, which is a blog I did a LONG time ago that analyzed critical portions of character arcs in general. This one though uses the more obvious pairing and also the two with much closer screen time and narrative importance... though with TOH that term is entirely fucked.)

Both characters are enemies to allies. Both have complicated relationships with the main character and are motivated by that relationship to change themselves for the better. Both have positions in the world and priorities that explicitly makes them opposed to the main character not only ideologically but sociologically. And, above all else:

Sasha's redemption arc, from her first appearance to Turning Point when she explicitly turns full good, is 9 segments. Ten/Eleven if you count Reunion/True Colors as two.

Amity's redemption can range anywhere from seven A plots to nine/ten depending on if A: you count Hooty's Moving Hassle, which I don't, and B: if you count the end of her redemption arc at Winging it Like Witches (when she rebukes her old friends), Escaping Expulsion (when she rebukes her parents) or Looking Glass Ruins, the first episode where she is 100% an ally. Or hell, you could actually for FIVE episodes and say it's Understanding Willow as she apologizes for the past and promises to stop bullying at least Willow at that point, which was her first antagonistic act before.

And mind you... Understanding Willow is in S1. LONG before the shortening took effect. Even the latest one of these puts it at before the shortening. So I think these are fair comparisons of just how the two's arcs were handled with the amount of time spent on them. Which raises the question: What did we get in that time?

Well... We got an actual arc with Sasha while Amity just changes randomly. That's not even really a joke. I'll try to bounce between the two to really highlight the difference, especially in storytelling.

In her first appearance, we get pretty much all possible suspicions about Sasha based on Anne confirmed. She is manipulative, self serving, self aggrandizing and tells people what they want to hear to get them to do what she wants. She is your friend so she can control you. However, she isn't all bad. She could have just ran during the Heron attack but instead helps save the day though it's very possible that she recognized she was better off staying as an equal of Grime's than running off on her own. The Toads are opposed to the Frogs in Amphibia's society though, creating an inherent conflict between Sasha and Anne due to the social dynamics of the world they are in.

Meanwhile, Amity in her first appearance actually makes a strong case for herself. She looks down on those magically challenged, which Luz is, is a bully while Luz is an outcast who has struggled with friends and has a drive to succeed conventionally while Luz uses more unconventional methods. The opposing elements are actually lined up really well between the two but we don't get a lot of Amity's actual personality. She just comes off as an entertaining, almost neurotic bitch. We get more of her personality in her second episode where she is a little more in control of her emotions, shows a potential softer side, and also sets up another sociological conflict in that Luz inherently is on the side of the wild witches due to her mentor and her magic style while Amity is full on the coven train, even to the point to wanting to one day potentially lead the Emperor's Coven. Though, importantly... The only thing that's challenged about Amity's worldview in this episode is the idea that someone she thinks is weak could actually be strong, something that theoretically could have been said to have been covered by the end of Teenage Abomination when Willow proves herself with the seed. Hell, it's also reinforced in an episode I don't usually count for this but is kind of important: Hooty's Moving Hassle. So that's one problem addressed but only tangentially and it's by no means the biggest issue between Amity and Luz. Amity is still a bully after all.

Meanwhile, Reunion goes for the core, both sociologically and personally. The Toads want Hop Pop dead and Sasha doesn't care. Not only that but Sasha assumes that if she tells Anne not to care, Anne won't because in her eyes, Anne serves her. She is the one in charge after all and she won't take no for an answer. Period. We're even shown this explicitly in the flashbacks. The problem is... Anne has gone through an entire character arc to make it so she can stand up to Sasha and challenges pretty much all of Sasha's beliefs. Her need for control, her callousness towards others and her warped view of reality where she is the hero and all else are best off listening to her. Sasha even gives in for a moment in an act of genuine selflessness by letting go of Anne's hand so her and the Plantars can live. It does a lot of work but... It might be considered rushed if that were the end of her primary antagonism.

You know where this is going. In her third major appearance, forth appearance overall... Amity is a neutral entity and a friend by the end of Lost in Language. Honestly, if you wanted to argue that the majority of Amity's arc, especially friends to allies, was three episodes, you'd be actually making a very compelling point. This episode after all is the one where she effectively stops being a bully. She just is now the overly dedicated smart girl. She is explicitly not the antagonist though but instead the victim and the one we're primarily supposed to sympathize with. Then, thanks to Azura, she befriends Luz by the end of the episode. They are already allies and... There isn't much reason for it besides one time teaming up. Sure, Luz has challenged Amity's perceptions but even she calls out in this episode that each time they meet up, Amity gets in trouble or/amd embarrassed. Luz has actually done extremely little to deserve this because all Luz has actually done with Amity before this episode is a declaration of combat and then their last talk in Covention which was just about maybe rethinking if someone could or couldn't do something, not about Amity's morality. Also, Luz is important to consider here. These sorts of arcs involve the MC in a pretty crucial way because they're the one the antagonist wants to become allies with and so the MC needs to accept them. Amity hasn't done fuck all at this point to deserve Luz's attention because she's a bully and is cruel to her mostly besides her final act in Covention. It is literally NARRATIVE TROPES that make Luz forgive Amity and want to befriend. Literally. Nothing about Amity's actions or actual character, Luz just wants to live out her fanfic.

And that brings up the fact that Anne does keep giving Sasha chances but they have an established history and that push and pull of trust is a large part of this. It's the main driving factor for why Sasha will change at all and why the lengths she goes both for manipulation and redemption are important. It's also important to show WHY Anne might have wanted someone like Sasha around. Toad Catcher is not crucial for Sasha's arc, Barrel's Warhammer also shows how much Anne's rebuke of her and choosing the Plantars over her fucks with her mentally, but it does let you see why people follow her. The motivation she can bring them because Sasha does see the best in people... But mostly because people's bests are also the most useful for her. It also doubles down on her good quality that she rarely gives up on someone she chooses to ally with. All while still making it clear that if given the chance, she'll try to get back at Anne because accepting Anne was right is too antithetical to how she sees the world.

And then for both, we get episodes that mostly just explore the characters. A sort of holding pattern for both arcs with Barrel's Warhammer, Third Temple, The Sleepover and The Battle of the Bands for Sasha while we have Adventure in the Elements, Understanding Willow and Grom for Amity. This is also where you can extend this to include Winging it Like Witches and/or Escaping Expulsion depending on where you count Amity's arc as fully ending. For both characters though, the status quote they're primarily in doesn't change a lot. Amity is a tentative ally who has to get dragged into things and is generally a good person but not hanging out with everyone else casually yet. Meanwhile, Sasha is barely controlling her growing rage and insecurity about losing her power over Anne, exacerbated by Marcy coming into the mix and, from Sasha's perspective, siding with Anne. Though, there is a critical difference.

One is actually exploring the character, their motivations and their mindset. In all the episodes I listed for Amity, Amity gets small steps but they're NOTHING we don't already know. She's a generally good person who has a compulsion to succeed until suddenly in Escaping Expulsion that she's let her grades slip. There's nothing about what drives her towards success, no exploration on if these changes are difficult on her, both of which are actually in Battle of the Bands to some extent for Sasha. We don't see how this stuff is affecting her besides her growing crush and if that's getting her to act out. That takes until fucking Looking Glass Ruins to actually manifest while Barrel's Warhammer shows how much the idea of changing is fucking with Sasha's head but also why her behavior is toxic. How her best traits can also be her worst. Amity's traits are barely even being examined. She's just slowly becoming more and more obsessed with Luz and bleeding personality for it by becoming a very generically good person.

THEN we get Sasha's big relapse. Her denial of her arc. The attempt to wrestle back control because she saw an oppurtunity to be on top and took it. This is book 2's ending for Zuko. A moment of weakness where the character's vices means they at least have to question their character arc. If that's what they want or if they want to continue being who they always were. True Colors is this for Sasha, even to the point where she is willing to throw out parts of her past if she can't find a way to keep them. It is that same weakness that makes her plans fail though because once she can try to justify her actions and bring Anne back to her, she can't fight Anne properly and loses for a second time. Again, that push and pull of trust and control.

And Amity doesn't have this. The closest there is to it is Escaping Expulsion... Where she doesn't do shit. Calling that an Amity episode is FRUSTRATING for me because she is barely in it. Not only that, but she doesn't decide to do villainy. Instead, it's that she is a teenager with a controlling mother. But don't worry, despite only showing up for like four minutes of the episode, Amity can just tell her mom to piss off and that's that. It isn't motivated by a push or pull, Amity doesn't want to go back at all and she actively is miserable the entire episode despite having explicitly chosen to be a bully for YEARS before this. After all, her parents only told her she couldn't be friends with Willow. They never told Amity to bully her for years and become queen bitch of the school over all. That was Amity's choice.

And then finally resolution. When the character themselves accepts the change and stops shifting morality. This is actually why I consider Turning Point the end of Sasha'a arc. Commander Anne is follow through but it's just reinforcing the version of Sasha that takes form in this moment. The Sasha, who reading how much her betrayal hurt Anne but how much trust she had for the mean girl, who has to face all she's lost in her pursuit of power, takes the mantle of guardian seriously. It is not a moment of weakness like in Reunion that makes her put other lives over hers but instead a moment self actualization and determination. A moment of strength and one she'll stick to for the most part. She is no longer manipulative, she is a commander, even if she doesn't have the title yet. This is especially satisfying because... Well, we've seen EVERYTHING that motivates this moment. Not just Anne's stuff but Grime's loyalty to her and how much that means to her. Percy and Braddock abandoning her and her trying to use the calculus of war to be okay with that. We can see MOUNTAINS of evidence for why she would choose this over her old self. Over one more time to try to conquer Amphibia like Grime suggests.

I... Genuinely can't really say when this happens for Amity. This actually has way less to do with how many times she rejects her past self and more to do with... Why does she? Why does she ever change in fact? What are her motivations? Because even in Escaping Expulsion, Luz's conversation with Amity isn't "You need to stand up to your parents because you shouldn't let others dictate your life." It's instead, "You should stand up to your parents so I can go back to witch school." And this happens CONSTANTLY. Remember: You can argue her villain role ends on her third major appearance and Luz NEVER talks morality with her. Never has Amity actually learn something.

It actually comes down to an inherent storytelling choice with TOH as a whole: Very few episodes are about anyone other than Luz and Luz actually really sucks at helping people during their episodes. Gus actually has some of the best episodes dedicated to a side character as they're actually addressing a core element of the character... And in his first one, Luz is a bystander. She does fucking NOTHING except maybe give Gus a pep talk. She is mcguffin than anything. With Amity though? Covention is mostly about Luz learning about the coven system. Lost in Language is about Luz and the twins and her want to befriend Amity, not the why she wants to befriend Amity. Adventure in the Elements: About Luz having a Winter Adventure where Amity is a perfectly good person. Understanding Willow is actually one of the better ones because at least for that one, Amity makes her final choice because she's nostalgic for an old friend. Grom has her only stand up though when Luz in trouble. Winging it Like Witches? It's just Luz being in danger that motivates her. Escaping Expulsion? Luz being in danger. Looking Glass? Luz needs her.

This is why Amity feels like she changes just for a pretty girl. Luz actually does NOTHING to ever try and change Amity. To ever actually interact with Amity's arc. Reaching Out will be the pinnacle of this where Amity has suddenly written off the entire coven system, one of the only things besides Luz we've been told she cares about... And Luz has never once talked to her about the coven system or Belos. Because Luz has barely actually talked to her about her besides to call her cool and pretty. It is remarkable how little Luz actually interacts properly with Amity and how few real conversations they have, especially about their differences and feelings about each other. Each time Sasha and Anne are in the same room, you know their philosophies and relationship is going to come up in some way. It's too omnipresent for both to ignore. Meanwhile... There's a lot of episodes where Lumity exchange cute jokes and that's it, despite the main plot focusing on those two characters for that episode. And remember: TOH's A plots explicitly have more time to include those sorts of slower conversations. Oh, and, you know, one of these pairs are just friends while the other GETS INTO A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP.

And the pinnacle of all of this: Amphibia does this amazing character arc while also making it plot relevant and REALLY important to its themes. Sasha is a primary antagonist for two seasons technically. She genuinely challenges both the message of change being good from a meta perspective but also challenges Anne's own character arc from a narrative perspective. Her degradation of care is contrasted by how Amphibia makes Anne care so much about others that it makes it harder and harder for her to write off Sasha despite what Sasha did. Then, Sasha changing her perspective and treatment of others, while keeping the core of herself true, is what helps keep Wartwood alive while Anne is gone while also demonstrating the power of change but also that you don't have to change literally EVERYTHING about you.

Meanwhile, it was a fucking meme in the TOH community that if Amity was on screen, nothing could happen and that stayed almost true for literally half the series. Not only that but Amity's complete change for Luz doesn't really feel coherent with the themes of self acceptance and not changing for others. It tries because the show posits that Amity just needed a better environment to go back to being the good person she always was but A: that's never explored because challenging her environment is not actually a part of what motivates her changes, just B: Luz is the whole reason for her change and she changes effectively into Azura, Luz's favorite character. That doesn't feel like becoming her own person and instead changing literally every aspect of yourself for your partner which... Yikes. To put it mildly.

You can cut EVERYTHING to do with Amity out of the show and you lose literally nothing except representation. You cut Sasha out of Amphibia though? You do not have the same story. Period. You have to rewrite a good bit because despite her lack of appearances, she is important. A lot of elements of Amphibia are important like that.

And Amphibia did it with smart storytelling that actually explored its own elements, not because it had three full seasons. Not when Sasha takes up so much less time of her show than Amity does.

This is all because Amphibia actually was interested in telling a character arc instead of just kind of weakly being able to claim it had a character arc. You can even extend that to almost literally any element that TOH and Amphibia both did. And not because of time, simply because one is written a hell of a lot better and was more interested in actually telling its story rather than making a bunch of statements that Twitter could freak out about.

======+++++======

I have a public Discord for any and all who want to join!

I also have an Amazon page for all of my original works in various forms of character focused romances from cute, teenage romance to erotica series of my past. I have an Ao3 for my fanfiction projects as well if that catches your fancy instead. If you want to hang out with me, I stream from time to time and love to chat with chat.

A Twitter you can follow too

And a Kofi if you like what I do and want to help out with the fact that disability doesn’t pay much.

[ranthebow]

Thoughts on Lucy, Undying by Kiersten White

It's been some time since I consumed Dracula media like so, a "retelling" of the original story, and it was very refreshing to see this from Lucy's perspective, a character often ignored or simply reduced to her death. Bram Stoker used Lucy as symbolism for the women he found shameful in his day and age, and that symbolism is all she needed to be in the original. So while I will say a few words on the story as a whole, I would like to focus this review on the characters. But lets start big.

~~ As always, spoilers ahead~~

This is a woman-driven, sapphic story that contains elements from other vampire media, very notably Anne Rice's "Interview With The Vampire", as the book jumps from different POV and times - Lucy's diary when she was human and the events of "Dracula" were taking place, Lucy as a vampire in modern day, being "interviewed" by her therapist about her life as a vampire, and Iris, an original character and the love interest of Lucy in modern times. Vampires are written as creatures of want, which includes the lust and sexuality of the original "Dracula" but is expanded into "a gaping maw" of loneliness and need for being understood. Crosses, communion wafers, holy water, all the items we expect to affect vampires don't work in this world if the person using them doesn't believe in them. Vampires can't occupy that space of love and devotion and belief. They are the exact opposite of all those feelings.

I've always seen vampire's need for blood less about the blood itself and more about the need for the humanity and vitality blood represents that they, as dead, reanimated corpses, can never truly feel again. And this writing plays directly into that so wonderfully, with blood playing a large role in the story, but not actually being the motivating factor for the vampires. Yes, they are always consuming it and often killing for it, but they really crave love, in their own ways. I also loved the lore around vampires changing form, the sun, and sleeping in unhallowed earth or their own burial site. The sun doesn't kill vampires, it just traps them in the form they are currently in, and if that form is fairly incorporeal, they have a hard time reassembling when it's nighttime. The therapist, Vanessa, tries to ask Lucy how vampires work and Lucy responds,

"...why do you dream? Why do you look at the ocean and feel awe? Where does love come from, and why does it feel so much like fear? There might be reasons for all those things, but do you need to know the reasons? Will that help you feel any of those things?" (pg 39)

And I think that's exactly how it should be with supernatural tales. A sprinkling of science, that vampirism is an infection that can get passed down to children if you are infected but not yet a vampire, but mostly just a suspension of belief, an understanding that you will never understand. Because understanding vampires is not the point of vampires in a story.

Vampire Lucy's conversations with her therapist were also my favorite because we got to see her throughout history in various locations, meeting other vampires that no longer know their names and instead are known as The Queen, The Doctor, and The Lover, another trope I completely love. But this is where the story, and the characters, start to fall short.

Lucy's first journey out of England is to China, a land as foreign to her as her vampirism. It's exciting and colorful, and shows us her separation from humans as the girls The Queen collects stay far away from her. This propels her into WW1, where she meets The Doctor and sees how pointless and sad the conflicts of men are. She tries to do something good, to end the war, and feels like she has, for a time, sending her to Paris where she meets The Lover and has a jolly good time coming to understand how broken being a vampire can really be. In WW2, she wants to bring good to the world in a different way, so she becomes a spy and meets The Doctor again. While I love to see a repeating character, I was excited to meet a new vampire, to learn something more about this world, and instead, the writing slows down. Lucy slows down. Gone are the magical places, lessons to be learned, and interesting characters exploring all facets of vampirism. Lucy sleeps for some time, the writing handwaves some years away where she hunts some vampires, and then she meets The Lover and The Queen living together, finds the therapist, and then finds Iris, in a matter of a month or so. Here starts the beginning of my critiques with this book.

We spend a lot of time learning about the history of Lucy - who she was when she died, and how lost she has been in death. She is able to get out of tricky situations and maybe even make something of herself in those moments, as we learn that she has inspired all three vampires we have met throughout her history to do something different and good for themselves. Her therapist, at the end of their time together, tells her for the first time that she isn't looking for Dracula, but instead she has been looking for herself, and that she needs to learn to love herself. She meets Iris almost immediately afterwards. The book tells us that she has learned to love through Iris, that she has found herself now, that Lucy has essentially broken the thrall Dracula has over her - but it doesn't feel that way. If we objectively look at what Lucy does and says from when she meets Iris, there doesn't seem to be that level of character growth. Could she have fallen in love in that time, and love was something she has always craved? Absolutely, yes. Does that mean it has fixed every other feeling she has ever had? I don't buy it. The story rushes to the climax once everything is revealed, only for one more "gotcha" moment to occur, and Lucy is so healed at this point that even the surprise villain does not really deter her. I did not feel tension in that scene because I have been told, over and over again, that Lucy loves herself now and she loves Iris and everything she has wanted is good and happy now. So what if Mina, her first love, shows up as the final, real antagonist at the end? I don't feel Lucy having a real internal struggle at that point. So, I don't buy it.

And this is where I really have a problem with this retelling. I do not read og Dracula because I love a specific character or the heroes are true heroes to me or anything like that. I like Dracula as a whole package, with every part as it is. Lucy being a symbol, as I stated above. So is Mina and Dracula, in that regard. But, I also don't actively dislike the characters, or feel like they did anything intentionally evil (on the human side of things). It's like when I was in high school and my teacher asked us to write an essay on who was at fault for the conclusion of Romeo and Juliet. While many students wrote about the Friar not delivering a note fast enough, or the families for feuding, I wrote about fate. These types of stories are written to be like this, if only a character was slightly faster or the conflict was not such a conflict, but, in the end, everything falls into its proper place in tell a story that is a complete package. I appreciate Dracula for how it is, even if I feel a character could have acted faster to save Lucy or cared a different way. So when this retelling vilifies every single character from the original, except for Lucy, who is constantly referred to as a child and an angel and essentially one who can do no wrong, this frustrates me. It feels ugly. At first I thought -and this is a bit harsh, I completely understand that - that this book was falling into a trap of sapphic content that hates all men. Because every man from the original Dracula ended up either so boring and pathetic that they were written off, or actively a murderer, a conspirator, or a pervert. It wasn't just that they were treating Lucy as less than, they were actively worse monsters to her than Dracula. This book suffers a little from it's feminism 101 type writing, for a lack of better language about such things, and I thought this hate of the original characters might be falling into that mindset. Then Mina is revealed to be the worst of them all, so while that lessens my feelings from above, it still confuses me that this was the choice made for this retelling. As a Dracula fan. I don't want these characters to just be horrendously evil. It doesn't feel like it matches the core of the characters that I know and am looking forward to seeing again.

And then there is Mina. Hilariously, this book suffers from the same issue I had with BBC Dracula, that I wrote a review about in 2023. In the final arc of the story, the true villain is revealed to be Mina in a way that is meant to shock the reader…and that's all. There is no other reason for it.

Lucy's entire undead life has revolved around Dracula (also hilarious, considering the treatment of the characters mentioned above). We have very fun 2nd person POV chapters from Dracula that increase in frequency when he is stalking Iris. Everything points to the conclusion of this book being a killing of Dracula and a tragedy of the romance, because killing Dracula kills all vampires he has created, which includes Lucy. I was preparing for the angst. I was ready for the angst. But no, Dracula is broken in a page, not yet killed so Lucy has time to save Iris, where it is revealed that it was Mina all along. Lucy has a moment of surprise that, to no one's surprise, she breaks out of because she is now healed of her past trauma due to Iris, they kill Mina, and happily go off into the sunset as now vampire girlfriends.

Now don't get me wrong, I love vampire girlfriends skipping into the sunset together. I'm happy for them! But I am seriously unhappy as a reader. All that build up for potential grief, for the satisfaction of a victory over Dracula after meeting vampires throughout the book that have been victimized by him…all of this waved away with the sentence,

"Mina is Dracula. She always was." (pg 435)

as the explanation and attempt to give the reader some understanding of this sudden shift. It's not enough.

I've been rallied to see Dracula destroyed this entire book, have mostly known Mina from how Lucy has loved her (even learning that Mina was in on the deception of Lucy as a human had little impact on me because she is not a character we know. We only see her through the eyes of someone else. Why did she become this way? Why do we care that she is the villain, and therefore should be killed?), and I am not satisfied by the final word on Dracula being that he is now scared of Lucy in a way that Lucy was once scared of him as a human. He is still the monster he always was. He is not broken. There will be more girls like Lucy created because they didn't kill him.

Lucy has tried to save people this entire book. I'm all for being a little selfish to take care of yourself and that kind of therapy, but this does not feel equitable in this world. Has Lucy been so healed from all that trauma that she no longer understands and cares if it's inflicted on others? It's frustrating and disappointing as an ending.

Overall, I have mixed feelings on this book. I do actually like the jumps in times and different perspectives, something I have read others saying they didn't like in this book. I loved how vampires were written. The prose itself is very good and the sapphic content was wonderful. But the characters and the story falls flat to me, and I struggle with calling this a Dracula retelling when it so cruelly removes anything about the characters that I know and appreciate beyond the basics of the story itself.

As is usually the case, if you like vampires and Dracula, I do recommend trying this out for yourself. These are purely my thoughts and feelings on the subject. I still had fun reading it, and I loved exploring Lucy as a character. This has given me fun ideas for my own vampire related writing, and maybe it will for you too!

Alright, I think that's all I have to say on the subject here. Tune in in another 2 years time when I pick up another Dracula retelling that makes me write essays about in on Tumblr, for some reason. I just have a lot of thoughts sometimes. Until then!

[navree]

The truth of the matter is that both Targaryen and Velaryon are of the Valyrian race. That’s all Showrunners Ryan and Sara are considering. They are not viewing it as a racial issue of the white family targeting the black one and trying to steal their land.

Yeah that's, like, kinda the problem. In the book the Targaryens and the Velaryons are both Valyrian, so issues between them cannot be viewed through a racialized lens beyond Valyrian supremacy vs the whole of Westeros (which doesn't show up on the Velaryons' end in the book anyway), so that critique cannot exist. But the showrunners changed that, they deliberately changed that by making the Velaryons Black and the Targaryens decidedly not. Which fine, go nuts, but when you're doing that kind of "race bending", especially when adapting a property that already exists, you need to be conscious of that.

I've talked about it before in my discussions on why a lot of "color blind casting" for historical dramas tends not to work out (the 2021 Anne Boleyn show cast Black Boleyns without thinking about the implications of sexually aggressive, dirty nailed, Black Anne Boleyn not only being rivaled by but also literally forcing a kiss on sweet, demure, lily white Jane Seymour, or of giving Black George Boleyn a story about abandoning a child he has with a woman and then of being murdered by his white king due to his white wife fabricating false accusations of sexual impropriety against him, so instead of whatever the Hell they wanted to do, we just had a boring TV show with some really racist implications). And that exists when it comes to adapting race from one story to the next. If you're going to turn white characters into characters of color, that's all well and good, but you need to acknowledge that the way they live their lives and look at the world and are viewed BY the world is going to subsequently change. And more importantly, you need to be aware that how those characters and their storylines are perceived by the audience is going to change as a result of that switch as well.

Because suddenly, it's not two different families of white people fighting over some rock in the ocean. Suddenly, it's a white family, with significantly more social capital and influence in their world, attempting to dispossess a Black family of their longterm, ancestral homeland, that is the only piece of land that they have, for that white family's gain. And that is something that comes with a lot of historical context and historical implication (we're STILL dealing with the ramifications of white-run cities and wealthy white people straight up stealing land and property from Black people during Jim Crow), and that's going to be on people's minds, especially in a show made by an American company and aired on an American network. You have to be aware that you're now not just writing characters, you're writing Black characters, and even in a fantasy world that might not have our history of anti-Black racism, that doesn't exist in a vacuum, especially to the consumer, and that there are going to be implications that might not have existed before that you need to be aware of and take into account.

And this doesn't even touch on my issues with the fact that, out of all the characters, the Velaryons absolutely got the fucking shaft writing wise. And I'm not sure how much you can divorce building up Rhaenyra and Criston or Harwin but not Daemon and Laena, or spending time developing fully fledged personalities for Aegon and Aemond but not Baela and Rhaena, or attempting somewhat consistent motivations for Viserys but not for Corlys and Rhaenys, from the fact that one half of those pairings is Black, and one is white.

They might not view it as a "racial issue", but when they made the change to the Velaryons' race, they made it one, at least in the eyes of the viewers and the context we grew up with and the knowledge that we have. Because creation doesn't exist in the aether, it is influenced by humanity here and it influences how we take it in once we put it out in the world.

[alteregozowie]

It takes him a little bit, but he took this request very seriously. He hid in his nesting pile, with a bag of yarn and his crochet hook and got to work. Focused, determined, he barely paid any attention to Alastor coming in and out of the room or even that little shadow of his. He worked endlessly on his little gift, wanting them to be perfect for that little pocket dimension of the Radio Demon’s.

When he finishes one he tucks them away, hiding them from sight and started on another. He tried to pick a range of colors that he liked and Alastor seemed to like. Red and pinks he said, a pretty light purple he thought was close. It almost looked pink, he hoped it was good enough. They were smaller than he would have liked but the pocket dimension wasn’t that big and he thought… they’d be more cuter if he made several rather than just one big crocodile. So he had four crocodiles and two alligators for the bayou.

Was there a difference between the two? He thought there was. And Alastor didn’t correct him on what he was going to make. So he just made both. Maybe he could pick which one he liked the best and Michael could bury the other ones he didn’t want.

Confidence!

When he finally has what he wants, finished and neat, he picked the bag up excitedly and held them tight to his chest. He paced around the room until Alastor finally came back, practically bouncing with energy as he made his way over toward the other with a bright smile.

“Alastor! Alastor! I made them!” He held the back up and then lowered it back down, still beaming at the other. “Red was… a bit hard to work with so I made it with a very light kind of lilac purple, I hope they’re still alright. And I… wasn’t sure if it was supposed to be crocodiles or alligators so I made both? It’s been a while since I’ve been to Earth, I don’t remember what lives in a bayou.”

His ranting done he tug through the bag and pulled out all six plush animals. He held them tight in his arms and looked between them all unsure before sucking in a breath and stepping forward. He pushed them into the Radio Demon’s arms and then stepped back, tucking his hands behind him. “If you… don’t like them I can throw them out and try again?”

Alastor, blinking, looked down at the carefully crafted little reptiles in his arms. They were so well thought out, the archangel had put a lot of time and effort into this.....for him? Why him?

He.....loved them.

He quickly hugged the plushies away from Michael as soon as the threat of throwing them away was offered. He furrowed a brow, it looked ridiculous coming from the Radio Demon.

"Absolutely not. Ann, Sophia, Max, Fern, Toby, and Jack all live in the bayou now. It is too late. They are mine now." It was really mind-blowing on how fast he had come up with names for them. The fast talkin' radio host lived up to his name, supposedly.

It wasn't often he received gifts, and it made the archangel so happy to give these too him. Alastor was almost at a loss for words.

Why would anyone want to....be kind to him?

"Thank you," he said quietly bewildered.

[lananakay]

Why Do (Straight) Women Produce and Consume Gay Media? A Think Piece-

AMC's Interview With The Vampire Season 2 is about to wrap up. Once again, the fact that "The Vampire Chronicles", (which is well known for its homoeroticism) were written by a woman and the fandom is largely composed of women has brought back the questions: "Why do straight women write stories centering around gay men?", "Why do straight women ship straight male characters together?", and of course "Why do straight women like BL and gay porn?" These questions are often followed by criticisms, judgment, and accusations. Well, as a woman who has been a fan of homoerotic/romantic media involving men, I would like to share with you my self-assessment and input.

We need to get a few disclaimers out of the way first:

To start, this is the internet so I feel like I need to point out that when I say "straight women" I mean some, not all. it also needs to be said that I am just a random person. I am expressing my opinion and sharing my perspective on this topic as a Graysexual, Hetero-Romantic, Cisgender Woman, who sometimes consumes homoerotic and romantic content involving men. The following is a assessment drawn from looking inward at myself and assessing the actions of others. My words are my own and I do not speak for all (or really any) women.

it goes without saying that anyone can enjoy any story. Not being a part of a community does not mean you cannot or should not enjoy the stories that come from them. Sharing stories is a way humans connect, teach, and learn. However...

A gay man being uncomfortable or feeling fetishized when straight women write gay romances, ship men together, or watch gay porn is VALID. The fetishization of people in the LGBTQIA+ community happens regularly. The fact is, some women are weird, creepy, and even downright disrespectful. Some women do, in fact, have a fetish for gay men and gay relationships and this post is in no way suggesting those people don't exist. Fetishization is also very prominent in communities of color and, as a woman of color myself, I have experienced this first hand and understand that icky feeling. It is harmful, hurtful and is something I plan on making a post about in the future. Fetishization is the flipside of any "ism" or "phobia". Take a celebrities for example. Both fans and anti-fans are two sides of the same coin. They follow, interact with, talk about, and even obsess over the celebrity, but one is motivated by positivity and the other by negativity. It's the same with fetishization, both "phobes"/"ists" and fetishizers dehumanize a person based on superficial characteristics, ignorance, and stereotypes. One manifests itself in hate and the other in obsession (sexual or otherwise). This post specifically will examine why a woman who DOES NOT have a fetish for gay men and relationships would compose or enjoy homoerotic media.

Let's start with the question: "Why do women write stories (erotic or otherwise), centering around gay men?"

TLDR: Ease, Escapism, Heterosexuality, and just a touch of Self Hate:

Growing up I loved writing. I wrote many short stories and, like Anne Rice (author of Interview With The Vampire), almost all my protagonists were male. Some of them were gay. Why is that? As women, we have to learn to deal with and battle self-hate. This is true for any minority. When you grow up an outlier, you have to contend with hate, both blatant and inadvertent, that seeps into you from all directions. It becomes easy to write a story from the perspective of the standard, the accepted, the free. Not only were a lot of my characters men, a lot of them were not black either. Although I didn't realize it at the time, doing this was a type of escapism. The opportunity to imagine existing in the world without being bound by social and societal limitations. Just changing your Gender can allow you to live in a different time and still be seen as a person. Imagine traveling freely without thinking about the limitations and consequences a person of your race, religion, or disability might face. You also don't have to adjust your writing to justify how your character is allowed in their setting because, realistically, they would never be accepted or permitted.

Anne herself said this about writing Lestat DeLioncourt, that he was the man she "secretly wanted to be", pointing out that he was free to do the things he wanted without the limitations of being a woman. We see this a lot in written media. Think of "The Outsiders", "Harry Potter", and "Frankenstein". None romantic, but all best-selling books surrounding male protagonists, but written by women.

As for why a lot of women write gay male characters specifically, I think it mostly has to do with self-insertion, but also that escapism again. Moving back to Anne specifically, both Louis and Lestat were self-insert characters, and even though their genders don't match her own, they are still her and thus attracted to men. Honestly, I feel like sometimes it's that simple. Not only that, but when both characters are men, you don't see that societal power imbalance that you naturally see between men and women. He doesn't treat him "like a woman". They are naturally equals and that alone provides an escapist romance. (When I say naturally equals I mean at a base level excluding things like class, race, etc.)

Next Question: Why do women fantasize about and ship straight male characters in gay relationships?

TL:DR Because they're basically already in an ideal platonic relationship. The shippers just like to add some spice.

Another Set Of Disclaimers:

This is purely speculation! I don't ship and don't have really any experience with this so I'm speculating on why I think (a non-fetish having) straight woman would ship 2 straight male characters.

This section is only referring to FICTIONAL characters. I find the shipping of real people off-putting in general (regardless of gender) and it's not something I want to get into here.

Continuing the theme of poorly written female characters: The fact that many shows and movies fail "The Bechdel Test" makes it no surprise that, in many stories, the lovers have no love. Again, I'm not a shipper. However, while reading about different ships between (presumably) straight male characters, I assed their points of view and pondered on why they would see two straight male characters and think they would make a good romantic pairing. The common denominator seemed to be the connection between the characters. Frequently, it seems the love interest, girlfriend, or wife of a male protagonist is little more than background. We know nothing about her and in turn, the protagonist seems to know nothing about her. He spends barely any time with her and she's often just a reference used for motivation. When they do spend time together the dialogue is minimal and the interaction superficial. Outside of her proximity to the protagonist, there is nothing to suggest they love each other.

However, their best friend? Their sidekick? Their frenemy? They know everything about them, they know their pain and struggles, they know their joy and peace. They are there for every important moment and are usually the ones to catch them when they fall and share in the triumph when they win. Not to mention the power dynamic again. They are seen (and see each other) as equals.

Now, if you want to write a fanfiction (erotic or not) and insert yourself into it, whose shoes would you rather be in? Even the antagonist or villain has more of a connection with the main character than their love interest. They know everything about them and spend more time and energy on them, even if it's trying to take them down.

In general, (fictional) women spend a lot of time on the back burner of a man's life. The things I am about to say are GROSS GENERALIZATIONS, but ones regularly perpetuated in the entertainment industry. Men and women can't be friends. Men see women as something to be pursued and won. Men don't talk to women about things important to them, they don't share in or care about their interests, and in the event they do, it's to meet that goal of winning her. Once they succeed and the wedding ends, she becomes a possession to be safeguarded or, more likely, a nag and a burden. She's then seen as that man's weakness, the "old ball and chain", a responsibility and someone he is forced to spend time with. Constantly and consistently the drag, the nag, and the butt of the joke.

Who wants to be that? I'd rather be the Chip to Dale, the Spock to Kirk, the Sasuke to Naruto, or even the Joker to Batman. To be someone they want to be around, talk to, and be with for more than just sex and societal obligation. When shippers see that meaningful connection between characters, it makes sense to dream up a scenario where those two just end up together.

Or maybe they just wanna fantasize about two attractive characters doin' it and I'm over analyzing. Like I mention, this is speculation because I'm on the outside looking in on this one.

Remember, the above is NOT a critique of real men or men in general. I love men and masculinity. This post is about media and fiction. Lets also remember that there are plenty of great hetero-romances that are the total opposite of the above gross generalizations. A couple of my favorite pairings include the 1960's portrayal of Morticia and Gomez from "The Addams Family" and Stan and Francine from "American Dad!" I love me some Francine!

Last but certainly not least! Why do straight women watch gay porn?

TL:DR: The male gaze ruining straight porn, insecurity, and liking men being something gay men and straight women have in common.

I have the most experience with this one. As some of you may know, I used to collect gay adult films. So, why as a straight woman would I want to watch gay porn? It must be a fetish, right? I must have some weird obsession with gayness, right? Actually, it's not that deep and really simple once you spell it out.

Let's start with the obvious: Porn is made for men. They are the target audience and the main consumer. Straight porn is targeted towards straight men and focuses on the women while the man is in the background, his looks a bygone afterthought.

Lesbian porn is also geared toward straight men and focuses on the woman...because it's all women! It is often an example of fetishization and hyper-sexualization of the queer community as well. However, women who are sexually attracted to other women also consume lesbian porn for obvious reasons. They like vaginas and may not be particularly fond of penises. Plus, I'm sure if you like vaginas, two might be better than one.

Speaking of genitalia. I'd like to point something out. On some of the more popular adult sites, If you are looking for a woman doing "solo" activities you would find it in the straight category. It seems anything pertaining to women and sex is seen as "straight", including a lot of lesbian porn. However, if you look for a man doing "solo" activities you will mainly find that in the "gay" category. The assumption seems to be that if you are on the site you are a man, and if you're watching a heterosexual scene or a scene with women, you're presumed to be a straight man. However, if you're looking at a man with no woman in the scene, you must be a gay man. Women seem to be rarely considered. So as a woman, most of my time is spent in the gay section even If I'm not looking for homoerotic content and just want to see a good-looking naked man.

Moving on. Gay porn is made for gay men, so men are the focus of the scene and therefore more attractive. Do you know who else is sexually attracted to men? Straight women. Do you know who also doesn't want to watch porn where the focus is a woman? Straight women. Do you know who also thinks 2 penises are better than one? (Some) Straight woman. It makes 1 to 1 sense that some straight woman would like gay porn for a lot of the same reasons gay men do simply because we are both sexually attracted to men.

While collecting adult films, one of the series I really liked was called "Straight Style." It was (obviously) produced by a gay label and the premise of the film was to see how the models interact with and have sex with women. I enjoyed this series because it gave me a chance to watch heterosexual scenes, but because the target audience was gay men, the women weren't moaning obnoxiously loud which was (and is) a 100% turn off for me. They just had regular sex and the male model was the focus rather than the camera being all up in the girl's cooch and boobs the whole time. I was also eventually able to find a label that made porn "for women" which again provided heterosexual porn focused on the man with the women acting realistically and not dramatically for the male gaze. The women were also "normal". Meaning they weren't hyper sexualized with extensive work done. They just looked like everyday women. Which was oddly comforting and brings me to last point, which can also serve as an answer to all three questions.

Insecurity.

During my self assessment this came up over and over again. I think that subconsciously my insecurities played a role in my enjoyment of homoerotic media. Humans constantly compare themselves to one another. It's natural. However, women (and especially young girls) have pressure placed on their looks and compare themselves to others much more frequently and sometimes to an unhealthy extent. There has been more than one occasion where I've daydreamed about a guy I like or a celebrity and then gotten sad because I know he doesn't like girls like me. I've watched straight porn and (aside from the antics of an overdramatic leading lady...and vaginas), been turned off because "that's obviously what men like, and that's not me." With gay romance, I'm not comparing myself to a anyone because there's nothing to compare. And, for the third time, I can (sometimes) still get the dynamic of feminine and masculine energies in love without the power imbalance. Simply put, I can immerse myself in the story and enjoy it more because my insecurity is on the back burner.

I feel like this was true for a younger me. As I've matured and grown into an adult my insecurities have lessened considerably.

All in all the reason for this post is to offer some perspective and give a point of view that may not have been considered.

[eshbaal]

Character Sketching Basics (for total beginners)

I've never really made art tutorials, but I do actually semi-routinely teach digital art classes to local kids in my area. As a result of this, I have also now signed up for a volunteer character sketching workshop for such kids that I am hosting tomorrow.

I figured that since I will have 15 kids there and I can't possibly introduce them to the base concepts one by one, I should make some easy to understand slides that try and teach them the basic thoughts that go behind a good character sketch. Aaaand I figured I would share them here. They are in danish, but I will translate underneath each pic. And before any other of the amazing artists on here start pointing out that this is possibly a bit too simplsitic to be a "proper" tutorial - the workshop is for the 11-14 crowd that may have never heard these things before. That's why it's kept as completely simple as possible. Anyway, here we go:

When we draw characters, we usually talk about three pimary stages - Sketch, Inking and Colors/Shading. That's a lot of stuff to learn, but we'll focus on sketching for today, alright?

A good way to learn how to draw characters is by learning to understand two great tools - the STICK FIGURE and the BASIC SHAPES.

The Stick Figure helps you understand what a body looks like and how it fits together (anatomy), and makes it easier to portray a body in motion. (This also goes for nonhuman creatures - consider the stick figure their "skeleton")

Once you have your skeleton, you can use basic shapes (triangles, squares and circles of all kinds) to build the rest of the body. Your choice of shapes and their sizes can make a massive difference! Notice, how blocky Superman looks compared to the skinny Anne here, even though their skeletons are built basically the same way.

You can also use basic shapes to create some really unique characters, and maybe even tell us something about their personality at the same time. This is called "shape language". Take a look at how some famous characters use very simple shapes. The always friendly and happy Mickey Mouse is round and friendly-looking. With just three circles, he became famous worldwide. The skinny, refined Pearl's body consists primarilly of triangles and long circles - this works really well for a dancer, who is also a bit of a perfectionist. She even carries a spear, which is a pointy weapon that really needs the one wielding it to be precise! Almost every character in "Phineas and Ferb" consists of simple shapes that make them easy to recognize. Phineas and Ferbs' heads consist of just a big triangle and two squares respectively. And with Isabelle and Candace, you can even spot a couple of half-circles!

If you learn how to see these shapes and where they are hiding, you can learn to draw almost any character you can imagine - even the ones that look super difficult and complicated. Shredder here looks almost impossible to draw, but even he has a lot of squares and triangles you can find if you look close enough - and if you drew a solid enough skeleton to start with, so you can tell where certain things are supposed to go on his body. You also use these techniques to draw harder parts of the body, such as hands. It's really difficult, but it'll come to you with practice.

Okay - let's use what we've learned! Pick a character or make something up yourself. Figure out the characters' skeleton. Go ahead and draw them in a different pose, if you want and if you feel you can. Find and add the characters' basic shapes and add them on top of the skeleton to make a body. Add details and start erasing the lines you no longer need.

A FEW LAST PIECES OF ADVICE - Draw softly and loosely. It's hard to erase your lines if you pressed down hard on your paper. - Try not to choose a character that's too complicated to start with. We all gotta start somewhere. - Don't worry about your sketch looking a little messy. After all, it's just a sketch. All it needs to be is a good starting point for when you ink it later. - Your sketch does NOT need to look 100% like the original. The important part is that you can spot how their bodies are constructed, and find all their most important traits. - If there's a part you are having a hard time drawing, take a break and work on something else. Sometimes your brain just needs a little break. - Ask for help! That's why I'm here! - Remember to take breaks now and then. It's good for your hands and for your backs. ----

Soooo yeah. That's my tutorial for ABSOLUTE beginner kids. I hope this will land well tomorrow.