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fatetainted · 4 months ago

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Clearing the air here though I'm genuinely afraid for my own safety to.

I didn't block @whitexdove "for no reason" and if they had an ounce of self awareness they would know they were an abusive, manipulative person who drove me to attempt suicide because "it's been a week now" and I "need to stop being so negative all the time." If I didn't respond to their messages they would ask me if I hated them or tell me I was ignoring them or I was making their paranoia worse so I would update them that I wasn't in a headspace because I was having a breakdown or a meltdown and would look later. Because of this they accused me of making their anxiety worse and I needed to get over it because I was having a very bad week with my life falling apart. I nearly killed myself because of years of manipulative abuse and them telling me to just get over it when I was suicidal.

But they've been suicidal for years and I was meant to comfort them every time and several times now they have threatened to cut me off multiple times over the most minor, insane little things. Instead of actually communicating what was wrong and how they felt they made essentially a break up playlist blaming me entirely and told me to listen to it to see what I did wrong and the only fault they would ever take was that they didn't say anything sooner. But suddenly when everything was fine again they would ask when I would send them a gift I bought them. However they had essentially convinced me we were over to the point where I grieved the friendship and returned the gift because I had no use for it anymore.

They hide behind mental illness and autism as if that excuses them being abusive to me and the things they've said to my friends. They blame my BPD for blocking them when it's their own actions and I'm sick of your annoying pity parties.

For years they have emotionally abused me and for years my therapist has been telling me they're not a good influence on my life and she was correct. I developed a THC and xanax dependency because they caused me so much anxiety with their abuse that I could not speak to them without using both daily (and of course, if I didn't speak to them or tell them why I wasn't going to be, they would tell me how paranoid I was making them, but if I DO tell them then I'm being too negative and ignoring their boundaries)

They were ALWAYS setting unreasonable boundaries and I bent over backwards to accommodate. Blocking them is my boundary. And now they're fishing for attention and sympathy for a situation they caused themselves and to drag me back into their abusive cycle.

In addition to this they would say very shitty things about my other friends that actually treated me well and tried to manipulate them into not only making them a LOT of free art but making the character details and backstory (which is a very similar thing they got mad at another artist for!). Most of my friends didn't even like them and were being cordial because I was their friend.

They are now refusing to remove characters based on my original work and flipping out on my friends for no reason other than jealousy and pettiness. Stop plagarizing me, stop claiming you just added to my lore when you added NOTHING and nearly everything is based on my ideas, including Dreameater who is literally the twin of my oc in my original work. And Caelum who is the brother of another oc of mine in my universe. You said you "won't throw away characters you worked hard on" but you have no lore that isn't mine and barely ever spoke of these characters or developed them. You added nothing to this universe or these characters. Don't you EVER use the design I made for the alien species (that is my lore and not yours!) again. It's no longer yours and you can have back that mime design you gave me, I truly do not care. But if you don't listen to me now then by your own logic I can bring back those ocs I made in your universe and I will use them because I worked "so hard" on them.

Before you pull the "I'm younger than you, how can I be manipulative?" Like you did before when you had a major fall out JUST like this (and yes! You also force shipped with me and guilt tripped just like you did with her!) Anyone of any age can manipulate someone else of any age. Just because you're younger doesn't make you the victim.

Stumpy. You are a toxic person the refuses to seek out ANY form of help and expected me to play therapist for you all the time but God forbid I need someone to listen and you expected me to accept how terribly you treated me forever. That's why I left.

You identify with and project heavily onto a character who has canonically killed her entire school and drugged her crush to get him to like her and you ship them despite the clear sexual assault and how canonically abusive and terrifying her obsession with him is. She's a genocidal white savior and that's fucking terrifying. Even more so terrifying is the way you joked about how you kill your rats and feed the dead rats to raccoons. And the fact you fetishize trans men being pregnant, it's a very clear very gross fetish you cannot let go of and forced on me constantly. The fact you seem to fetishize sexual assault and rape and ship people like that with their victims is vile. The way you talked about sleeping next to me in the same bed was disturbing as I look back on these things and I truly don't trust you to have not done things while I was unconscious. I have that little faith in you because of how you act and fetishize things.

You also told me you were going to whitewash a canon poc character and it's okay because it's you doing it. Genesis is Asian. He isn't white. You drew my Japanese character with yellow skin. You white knight in public but you're shitty to any race that isn't Korean or Native American.

For the record, I don't hate you. But I'm happier without you in my life and I don't feel anything for you anymore because of your own actions that broke our relationship irreparably. You're a toxic, vile person and completely self centered and extremely possessive.

Get help. And stop playing the fucking victim.

Allow me to return the favor. I take accountability for not saying anything sooner even though with your unreasonable boundaries and constantly telling me you're suicidal that I could never bring it up with you or any bad thing you were doing to me because you would probably kill yourself if I upset you.

Now you take accountability for your actions and deal with the consequences of abusing me.

You literally never loved me, you just miss having someone love you so much you didn't have to love them back (which you pretty much told me several times you were incapable of even with your own family).

Good riddance. Thanks for the memories even though they weren't so great. I truly will not be returning to this blog so don't bother trying to contact me here or anywhere else. I'm done.

#whitexdove #suicide tw #abuse tw #rape mention tw #God help any sorry people who come across you in the ffvii rpc that you manage to manipulate and lie to #Friends of 10+ years don't ghost you over nothing and you know you were terrible to me #Stop demonizing BPD #Get fucking therapy like I tried to help you get #I fucking tried to help you so shut the fuck up about caring too much when I was medicated for the ways you hurt and abused me #We weren't good for each other in any shape or form #And you were never good for me #Stop being a dick to my friends #I wasn't going to say anything let alone publicly but you being a dick to my friends and not respecting my one request is fucking absurd #I was literally just living my life and feeling great for the first time since before I met you #ffvii rp

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ovwechoes · 4 months ago

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do you write for venture? if so, could you do nsfw and sfw headcanons with them? i love them sm!!

Venture SFW/NSFW Headcanons!

Yes I do! Thank you for the request, and I hope you enjoy them c: Any thoughts or opinions are always welcome, and my asks are open! NSFW headcanons will be under the cut, and please don't read them unless you're 18+/over the age of 18yrs old.

Does Venture have any secret talents or skills they don't talk about much, if at all? I think Venture would have an affinity for painting, especially natural scenery and landscapes. They'd love Bob Ross paintings and would follow tutorials in their downtime, but with their own flair added to them. They also, of course, enjoy collecting crystals and loves collecting rocks to break open and see if they're geodes. They have a secret TikTok to show what they find, and they like to remain anonymous there to keep things private and entirely focused on their discoveries.

What personal goal or ambition drives Venture, which they rarely share with others? How does it influence their behaviour? Venture wants to protect what's left of the environment and the Earth itself; they're paranoid and cautious about deforestation, and the possibility that archaeological discoveries could be destroyed before they're appreciated and found, so it's something that they're passionate about and influences them in their daily life. They don't like to cause too much harm to the Earth when fighting, and they secretly donate money to organisations that put said money into rebuilding the environment. They feel immense guilt when they see the after effects on the ecosystems around them after fights between overwatch and talon, for example. It's something they don't discuss very much, and when they do they keep it simple because they don't like being that open about it incase others' opinions make them feel more guilty.

Who is an unlikely friend or ally for Venture? How did this friendship develop, and what do they value in each other? I can honestly imagine Junker queen being one of the most unlikely allies and friends of Venture. They might both share an affinity for the beauty of geodes and crystals, and Venture would want to share with Junker queen the beauty of archaeological finds that have been found on her land. It's something they'd bond over, and Venture would appreciate Junker queen's acceptance of their eclectic personality, which sometimes rubs off on people the wrong way. They're both weirdos in their own ways, and they both love shiny and historical things.

Does Venture have any unique or peculiar habits? How do these quirks affect their interactions with others? Venture 100% has self soothing stims that aren't necessarily autism related, but help them focus when they're busy or stressed out. They'd do things such as twisting their fingers, playing with small rocks between their fingers, or fiddling with tech just to pass the time. It's something they don't hide anymore, and they like to encourage others to take part even if they're not neurodivergent. They also pick up words and habits from people very easily; they heard Tracer say "okie doke" one too many times and now they can't stop using it even in professional spaces. It's apart of their vocab now and until something new replaces it, it's what everyone at Waypoint has to tolerate.

What is something that really annoys Venture? How do they typically react when faced with this annoyance? Venture is bothered by narcissism; they don't mind when people are confident and admit their own strengths, but it's bothersome to them when people flaunt it as if they're a walking god. They appreciate humble people, and like when someone shows their strengths, rather than plays them up with their words to inflate an ego they shouldn't have (in Venture's opinion). Another big pet peeve they have is when people have ignorant bliss. They believe that being aware and working towards a better future is better than staying blind to what's happening; they very much believe that if you choose to stay unaware of what's going on and how it's impacting society or the planet, you're encouraging the harm it causes and are complicit. It's something they're very passionate about and they can be seen as blunt or too harsh when confronting people like this.

NSFW headcanons are below the cut! Sexual themes are present so keep this in mind when reading.

What is a desire or fantasy that Venture keeps private? How do they reconcile this with their public persona? With Venture being the first openly non-binary overwatch agent, they feel an expectation to be a switch and to have no sexual preferences. Regardless of this, they privately enjoy being submissive and letting their partner take the reigns during sex. They find it hard to be openly sexual, and feel that they shouldn't be because they're trans non-binary, as if it's something seen as dirty in the public eye. However, when they trust someone enough as their partner, their sex drive speaks for itself.

What are some fantasy scenarios or settings that Venture finds particularly appealing? How do these fantasies align with their real-life desires? I can imagine they have a fetish for sensory play, especially the use of wax in sex and foreplay. They enjoy the feeling of it burning their skin, and the submission aspect from their partner doing this for them. In reality, this isn't a make or break thing for them and it's not something they need from his partner desperately to be happy. They would crumble if their partner suggested in with pure lust, but it's not something they're particular about because they understand that not everyone's interested in it. However, they're open with their partner about the idea of being restricted via sight and touch. They like the idea of not being able to touch their partner without permission, and being blindfolded. They're not too into BDSM, and it's not something they're experienced with, but fantasies wise, they'd be open to these things and light bondage if they trusted their partner enough with it.

How does Venture incorporate technology into their intimate life? Are there any gadgets or tech they particularly enjoy? Venture would 100% make a new toy for their partner to use based on one conversation they had about potential fantasies or what they'd want in an idealistic world. They're not too experienced with using toys, but they'd be willing to explore it more with a partner who understood them and accepted them fully, and was willing to do so with them without judgement or pressure. They'd of course make toys based on rocks and based on historical findings just to see how they'd feel in the modern era.

What kinds of physical or emotional stimulation does Venture find most fulfilling? How do they incorporate these into their intimate life? Venture enjoys verbal reassurance and words of affirmation; they enjoy being told dominating words filled with praise during sex, it makes them feel as though they're doing everything right. They love when a partner 'matches their freak' and can get on board with exploring new kinks and new ideas they've considered a couple times. They also love when their partner entertains their behaviours that others would consider weird; it somehow turns them on even more and makes their sexual tension even higher. They love to be touched on their shoulders, their lower back and the back of their neck - that's their main erogenous zones and if their partner touches them, Venture will be left high and dry until they're able to get off fully. It'll stick with them for days as well...

How comfortable is Venture with showing vulnerability during intimate moments? How does this vulnerability impact their relationships? For years, Venture couldn't have sex with someone unless he knew them well. One night stands never worked for them, and they were always left feeling used and unfulfilled. It was uncomfortable, but they take them as learning moments that helped them understand what they like and don't like in sex. They used to only have sex with the lights off, so that they wouldn't have to see what their partner's face looked like after seeing their body naked. As confident and unapologetically authentic as Venture can be, their body was something they felt especially uncomfortable with for years. They still sometimes need the light off to stay in the mood, but it's something they've improved on. On the other hand, Venture encourages their partner to be as vulnerable as they need to be; if they need to cry, laugh, hold them, etc. it's okay with them. It's not a turn off for them to see those from their partner, if anything they view it as a way to build their relationship even more.

I hope you enjoyed these anon and thank you again for the request ^^

#venture overwatch #venture ow2 #sloan cameron #ovw headcanons #overwatch #overwatch headcanons #venture headcanons #safe for work #smut headcanons #my headcanons #asks are open

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heliza24 · 7 months ago

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Let’s talk about parallels between Wilhelm and Sara in Season 3 of Young Royals

Because there are so many! This is a continuation of sorts of this meta that I wrote about them being A and B plot protagonists in season 1 and 2. I don’t know that I would describe them exactly that way in season 3, but I do think their plots, character arcs, and themes are meant to mirror each other very closely this season.

One of my favorite things about the parallels between Wilhelm and Sara this season is that comparing them really makes you hold Sara’s friendship with Felice on the same level as Wilhelm’s romantic relationship with Simon (and Sara’s with August) which I think is so important. Both Wilhelm and Sara go through breakups over the course of the season (I think Felice’s reaction especially frames her friendship breakup with Sara similarly to a romantic breakup, which I love). And both of their arcs are about mending those relationships.

Sara and Wilhelm both need to experience the world outside of Hillerska before they can mend those relationships. Sara is able to glimpse some independence, even just through getting her license. The whole world is open to her now, as Felice says in ep 6. I don’t know that she would have been able to make her decision not to go back to August without experiencing that freedom. And Wilhelm also needs to experience the full force of what life in the monarchy would be like before he is able to decide to leave it. Because of this they also act as our window into the two different worlds outside of Hillerska, the palace and Bjarstad. They create the larger context in which we understand Hillerska this season.

I love that both of their journeys of personal growth are symbolized through cars. Wilhelm is always getting trapped with his mom or a member of the court in a fancy car; it’s where almost all of the monarchy’s most onerous instructions on how to live are delivered to him. So it’s huge when he leaves his parents in the chauffeured car at the end of episode 6 and goes to find Simon, Felice and Sara in Sara’s beat up used car. Meanwhile, Sara has traded in horses for the car. This is stated pretty explicitly when her dad asks her if she would like to work with horses and she declines, saying that she has come to realize that horses are simply traded by rich people as status symbols, and her dad suggests she get her drivers license since it will help with any job she wants. In seasons 1 and 2 Rousseau is pretty heavily associated with August, along with the pressures put on August and the other elite kids at Hillerska to conform to expectations (@bluedalahorse has written the Bible on that here), so the fact that Sara swaps out the horse for a car that can take her anywhere feels like a step away from both August and the prescriptive norms of Hillerska.

Sara and Wilhelm both reject what they saw as their destined future. This is obviously really clear for Wilhelm; he assumed he would be prince and then king after Erik died, and his greatest moment of character growth is when he decides he doesn’t have to fulfill that assigned role if it will keep him from being happy and living authentically. I love the scene where Sara talks with her dad about her fears that she will fail in the same ways that he did because she also has autism and adhd. This is a less clear-cut assigned destiny, but that fear of becoming a self fulfilling prophecy is equally overwhelming, especially because Sara has already let down someone she cares about in a way that’s not dissimilar to how her father breaks promises. The fact that she’s able to come to terms with her dad’s influence in her life, but realize she really is in charge of her own future, is really powerful. (I also think it’s such smart writing about the way disability and internalized ableism can really affect your self image).

In order to break free of those predetermined destinies, both Sara and Wilhelm need to see a father/mentor figure as more than black and white. Wilhelm needs to acknowledge that Erik wasn’t perfect, and did help contribute to some of the abusive traditions of Hillerska. Sara needs to recognize that even though her dad isn’t a perfect parent, she still loves him for the care he is able to show to her and wants to have him in her life. I love that both Wilhelm and Sara learn to hold multiple conflicting emotions about their loved ones. They can be disappointed by some of Micke and Erik’s actions, but they can still value their relationships with those family members and recognize them as complex, complete people.

They also both go on a similar journey with how they see August. Wilhelm comes to recognize that August is both a perpetrator and victim of the class system and Hillerska’s systemized abuse. Sara similarly realizes that August is an adult who needs to be responsible for his own emotions. She’s no longer interested in saving him from his complex feelings of guilt, and recognizes his potential to find self healing. Both of those new assessments of August grant him more maturity and complexity than earlier in the show. (They also reflect the way that August grows, in fits and starts, over the course of season 3. If there was a season 4 of the show, I think we would really see August respond to Sara and Wilhelm’s new attitudes towards him in a way that would fuel future character growth).

Viewing Erik, Micke, and August more complexly also allows Sara and Wilhelm to forgive themselves for the ways they are similar to those people. They are able to acknowledge the shame they feel around their actions, but also forgive themselves in the same way that they forgive others.

Both Sara and Wilhelm have specifically let down Simon in pretty big ways (Sara by secretly dating August, Wilhelm by perpetuating the royal family restrictions onto Simon). But they are able to recognize those mistakes and reconcile with Simon.

Wilhelm and Sara both leave the monarchy (Wilhelm literally, Sara by refusing a relationship with August), but they also leave a kind of prescriptive romance behind. Wilhelm says no to having to monitor Simon, to having to roll out his relationship in a certain way to please the court, and to having their future together mapped out and their decision around children made for them. Sara says no to a smaller set of requirements, but the traditional ways that August sees romance are so influenced by the monarchy (which is in turn so influenced patriarchy) that they are similar in some ways. Sara says no to having to do August’s emotional labor, to managing him so that he will fit the image of a good heir. She says no to waiting for him to visit on weekends while he does military service. She says no to this grand plan that he has. (This was @bluedalahorse’s point originally that she shared with me, and honestly I think it's so smart). Wilhelm chooses a romantic relationship that he and Simon are free to create together without rules; Sara chooses a friendship based on honesty and support. Both are valid options that give the characters a sense of peace and freedom. And they would not have been able to make those choices without all of the growth they went through over the course of the season.

I think Sara and Wilhelm's arcs compliment each other so well, and it was one of my favorite things about season 3. I loved watching both of them get to grow so much and end up in such a happy place.

#young royals #my meta #wilhelm young royals #sara eriksson

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punkeropercyjackson · 20 days ago

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The Spiderband in my vision

The full lineup is Miles,Gwen,Peni,Hobie,Margo,Pavitr,Gayatri,Ganke and Miles G

Miles is a dreadhead,Gwen is a lightskin half white afro-dominicana with black hair and brown eyes who went through an implied hair journey(straight hair in Itsv > locs in Atsv),Peni is wasian with her dad having been a Peter Parker,Hobie is jamaican-ugandan,Margo is haitian and Gayatri is Sikh

Miles is transmascfem catkin,Gwen is a xenogender trans girl,Peni is a transbian,Hobie is transmasc unlabeled(nonbinary,boy and girl),Margo is transmasc genderfluid and so femme she dosen't want t or surgeries,Pavitr is transhet,Gayatri is a bi nonbinary trans girl,Ganke is a gay trans boy and Miles G is a catkin bi trans boy

And all of them are Triple A's(adhd,autism and anxiety)and punk as Hobie radicalized them(Miles is afrosolarpunk and pastel punk,so is Gwen,Gayatri is another solarpunk,Peni is goth punk,Miles G is afrogothpunk,Pavitr is skapunk,Margo is glampunk and Ganke is crustpunk)

Miles,Gwen,Hobie and Margo are the Spidey Core Four as Gwen's best friendship with Hobie and Margo led to them sneaking out too as they noticed she was gone and were worried sick for her so they went to find her and so they joined the mcs faction

Gayatri is a Spiderwoman Variant like Gwen since it breaks Canon even better if she is and her nickname is 'Spiderladdoo' after her favorite indian food(don't worry,unlike the Pavitr chai jokes,this was inspired by my indian friend giving me approval on my headcanon of her loving laddoo specifically in the tags but is never turned into a gag except to tease her for how cutesy it is and is meant to be a positive replacement for them).She's pretty much a y2k girlpower cartoon protagonist considering her school life in contrast to it-Popular perfect girl at school,cringeswag Spiderwoman after class lets out

Miles G's redemption arc in Beyond is Zuko level in excecution i.e more of a healing arc/atonement arc than anything else and Uncle Aaron being there for him despite appearing to only want to be a bad influence(even through at it all,Uncle Aaron only wants the best for Miles in every universe)

Gwen dosen't go back to George and her 'only half of who i am' line is a triple meaning(Ghostspider,trans and biracial)as a reflection on how he forced her to detach from her blackness out of racism as a cop and she kicks his ass when he hands her Hobie's Watch for her before he even explains himself and she feels bad for just a twinge of a second before realizing she dosen't owe it to him to care since he never spared her that.She then gets adopted by Jessica and her husband as they already think of eachother as mom and daughter so it was an easy solution

Gamke per his wishes isn't their Guy In The Chair,he's their Silly Little Guy(civillian friend who hangs out with them and helps out with the superhero junk directly and not staying on the sidelines but given help to make it easier for him on and off the field)

Margo is a bullied friendless outcast who's too often too nice for her own good thanks to growing up with parents who'd fight nonstop leaving her with an aversion to conflict for her own peace and the rest of the Spiderband teach her how to stand up for herself and do it themselves when she's not brave enough to,which encourages her to get even tougher so she dosen't feel like she's burdening them(she isn't of course,they love her too much)

They don't really go on patrol/missions with anyone except eachother out of trauma :( They have trust issues outside of their lil tightly knit together friend group but as they grow older they heal from it

Hobie is the Team Dad but the proper found family definition,not nuclear family toxicity and this includes adressing he acts the part pretty largely out of adultification trauma and he opens up about it eventually but way even before that,they all pitch in to help him with caretaking and that's what gave him the courage to do so.He ended up breaking down in both sadness and mushy love for them and they comforted him with showers of both verbal and physical affection

Peni is everybody's little sister and it dosen't feel infantalizing to her but helps her heal and feel safe and at home yet as strong as she needs to be and more with how much confidence they express in her nonstop to the point it actually ends up embarrassing her and she demands they stop(they only go harder in response)

Pavitr uses his 'sunshine boy' image to be a bitch(affectionate)so often it's concluded that's just what he's like the whole time counting how authentic and earnest he is in either side and mood

They do alllllll the fun teenage things together-Skateboarding,graffiti,reading books,dying their hair unnatural colors,eating bad for you food,meme challenges and shitpost videos,gaming,watching anime,playing with legos,diy sessions,petty crime sprees,etc

They dimension hop on the reg to be together too,no matter who or what tries to stop them

If Miles and Gwen are sunflowers,Margo and Hobie are moonflowers,Pavitr and Gayatri are lillies,Peni is a rose,Miles G is a wilted sunflower and Ganke is a daisy

Cat cafes are special to them so they go to them often and try to find new ones in each dimension they find

Built their own base unafiliated to Spider Society a la Codename:Kids Next Door.They call it 'The Homeweb' and they also have their own group chat titled 'Websters Declassified'

Trans girl!Miles',Pavitr's and Miles G's names would be Mirasol,Lavanya and Mari

Wether Flowerbyte or Prowlerbyte happens(Margo has the Morales brothers down BAD),Rio insists Margo move in with her and her fam as a future in-laws thing as she can't stand how miserable living with her parents clearly makes her and she agrees almost instantly,once she gets over her shock and squee's in girlish joy,happily hugging Rio and jumping up and down in joy,to Rio's frizzlement

They all really like X-Ray Spex,Lo-Fi Chiptunes,Meet Me @ The Altar and weird ass concept asmr's

And the biggest reason they love eachother and are real best friends unlike the posers they had to deal with is they weren't even meant to meet,much less feel like they're only a team out of obligation-'Soulmates are stupid,i love you on purpose','You dreamnt of me?/No,i thought of you' and 'It's too bad we're not soulmates.It's too good to give up on you' typa beat is the Spiderband beat

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gowns · 27 days ago

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i have made a very funny journey w/ autism which is like...

growing up, mom always tells me she thinks i'm autistic or (90s euphemism pop psychology thing) that i have "einstein syndrome"

and yet she never gets me tested

various accommodations are made for me in school - i am clearly "smart" but also kinda just "doing my own thing" and the teachers are either annoyed but give in to my mom browbeating them, or give me good grades for thinking outside of the box

(various cycles of hyperfixations and limerence and burn out later)

one of my best friends realizes they are autistic and we see the world the same way so we both go "hmm" about that for a while

i maintain i couldn't possibly be autistic because i have worked with high-needs autistic people* *i also tend to be very adept at working with autistic people

i notice that my older child (whose personality is identical to mine as a kid) seems to show signs of high functioning autism

eventually read devon price and other books and take the tests and etc and i'm like hmm ok i guess i have autism

by this point i am so keenly Aware that i am Neurodivergent and maybe that's why i seem to operate in a different reality than a lot of other people, that it seems hard to remember a time when i thought i was "normal" and trying hard to be "normal"

like now i'm just owning being an odd duck and needing my funny little ways of recharging and having fun

and now i find i'm actually a bit annoyed at various influencers who talk about discovering that they have autism because sometimes they don't want to go to parties or w/e and i'm like. "hmm. but is this the same flavor as the thing i have? idk what kind you have but i'm clearly on another level of it."

(very silly, i went to gatekeeping one side of the gate to gatekeeping on the other side of the gate. hahaha.)

anyway, i try not to be judgmental, it's just interesting that autism and adhd are en vogue right now. #relateable.

i still maintain that the bigger problem is Society. like, having tiny computers in our pockets combined w/ unreasonable employers who want you to be Focused on a Task for 8 hours are definitely doing things to our brains and making us feel deficient if we can't do Productive things. and then the pings. ping. ping. ping. check this. do that. ping. ping. ping.

and then it's like -- when people figure they must be neurodivergent because they take a moment to pause and dip out of the constant noise and they're like whoa i feel better for a moment -- well of course, taking a nap in the middle of the day feels good. it feels good to spend some time alone and in solitude when most of your day is responding to PINGS. and guess what, microdosing meth feels good, weed feels good, looking at wikipedia or reddit instead of doing work feels good, etc etc. the fact that adderall feels good =/= your brain works "different" or is "defective" in some way.

ok. you're probably different. sure.

it's like the same basic question of literature, theatre, art, of the last 400-odd-years, what is a human, what makes me tick, why do i feel a separation between me and others, what is that other person even thinking, why are we both looking at each other like "you're insane"? why are the motivations and inner workings of this other person so inscrutable, and mine are so comfortable and infinitely knowable?

however. all that being said. i think it may eventually come to a point where more people are considered neurodivergent than neurotypical, and hopefully, you would think, that would mean more accommodations, which would mean society as a whole would be more accommodating towards disability.

but i fear that on the other end, it may end up in situation where otherwise-typical people with an immense amount of privilege (e.g. average white americans) figure out how to weaponize incompetence (so to speak) and automate more labor away from them and giving the global lower classes more grunt work to shoulder. all while not acknowledging the true source of that "i don't belong" feeling ... and creating more alienation ... hmmmmmMMMMMMMMMMM

all that being said, it's fun to share autistic memes with friends

#unrebloggable because my thoughts and journey with this are even more nuanced than this i think...#but just typing this out quickly while my kids watch tv

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dr-spectre · 2 months ago

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while i originally didn't think much about s2's story

after seeing your posts about hypno callie i am 100% with ya

fact that it gets misinterpreted so much is agh. painful

Im glad that I was able to inspire you to change your mind!!! I used to not think much of Splatoon 2's story, too, until the autism in my brain whispered, "Callie Cuttlefish...."

(I'm about to get ranty in this post, so get ready.... if you wanna move along and don't wanna see someone get upset over a squid woman then by all means do so!)

I think the main reasons as to why the story of Splatoon 2 gets misinterpreted a lot is because in media circles, people will use the words "brainwashing" and "hypnosis" interchangeably and they genuinely don't know what hypnosis is actually like. Nintendo and the Splatoon devs probably don't know either. Like I don't think in Splatoon 2's rushed development cycle they bothered to look up the definition of hypnosis and they just made up the Hypnoshades to make Callie "evil" in a quick and easy way because "ooooo hypnosis is mind control/brainwashing ooo" WHICH IS FALSE!!!! VERY VERY FALSE!!!!!

Splatoon 2 was most likely rushed and it impacted Callie's storyline. You can clearly see what kind of story Splatoon 2 was going for from the concept art and Squid Sisters Stories prequel series. The tale of two cousins drifting apart and Callie growing resentment in her heart....

While we SORTA got that in the final game, Callie's arc got muffled due to a lack of understanding of what hypnosis actually is and media out of Splatoon continuing to use "brainwashing" as a cheap and lazy way to explain things which most likely had a strong influence in Splatoon 2's development, despite a lot of evidence proving that's not what happened to Callie... and there's not much we can do about it... ugh.

They also hid a lot of important story details behind optional content and social media posts. The sunken scrolls explaining Callie's growing mental issues, the relationship chart which disproves that Callie was kidnapped, etc, etc....

Also people tend to take Marie's perspective very objectively because we follow her as Agent 4. So when she says that Callie was "squidnapped," people believe it. When Marie says Callie was "brainwashed" in the rematch fight, people believe it. Including inkipedia and people who analyse splatoon.... the people who seek out objective information take the overthinking and worried Marie with a lack of knowledge as the well of truth.

Slight tangent but, you know what's kinda funny to me? Inkipedia wants to be very objective on Splatoon yeah? Well on Callie's main page it says, "Callie went to the octarians willingly," yet another parts of the site, it says, "she was kidnapped." Hmm... and of course, them flip-flopping the words "hypnosis" and "brainwashing" despite those words being OBJECTIVELY TWO SEPARATE THINGS THAT CANNOT BE USED INTERCHANGEABLY!!! But they use brainwashing more because Nintendo NoA used it.... oh well, tangent aside...

That's why so many people fuck up and you know what? I don't REALLYYYY blame the common fan over this. I dont! It would be unfair of me to get mad at someone who doesn't know any better because Splatoon 2 did an AWFUL job at properly fleshing out Callie!!!! When people hear what I have to say and either agree or respectfully disagree but still get my points, i get happy, and im glad more people are looking into Callie in a different light! She was treated like TRASHHHH for 7 fucking years!!!

Im only mad at certain parts of a certain wiki, and people who go over the timeline and make 5 hour videos and claim that Callie was KIDNAPPED DESPITE THERE BEING A FREELY AVAILABLE FUCKING RELATIONSHIP CHART THAT LITERALLY DISPROVES IT!!! BUT NO!!! YOU JUST HADDDDD TO READ A SINGLE INKIPEDIA ARTCLE AND YOU DIDNT EVEN BOTHER TO LOOK ANYWHERE ELSE!!!!! Putting in so much effort yet these loud voices in the community drop the fucking ball on Callie because she's silly.... ugh...

If I see another person in 2024 that says that Callie was kidnapped.... I swear to FUCKINGGGGGG god bro....

WHY DO NINTENDO PUSH THAT SHIT THEMSELVES?!?!? WHY DO THEY SAY CALLIE WAS KIDNAPPED?!?! WHY DO YOU WANT THE OCTARIANS TO BE SO FUCKING EVIL AND UNREDEEMABLE?!?!?! YOU GUYS MADE OCTO EXPANSION FOR FUCK SAKE!!! ITS SO ANNOYING!!! IM STILL NOT OVER THIS!!

UGHHHH!!!! When will it end.... I'm gonna keep repeating this stuff until I DIE it seems!!!

I dont wanna seem like I'm above anyone btw. I dont want to be like that. I'm just... really autistic about this sort of shit and I get very very picky about people's word choices and stuff when it comes to this.

I just want a character I love to be treated better... okay? That's all... it is getting better which I'm VERY happy about but... the loudest voices in the community, the people who analyse stuff and make timeline videos and analytical videos, still say the same bullshit since 2017 and I'm getting tired....

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am-i-the-asshole-official · 8 months ago

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AITA for ditching my friend for kicking someone out of our Discord server?

Some context before I begin. We are strictly online friends, with all of us having more than one social. I am the youngest of this group when this happened, with a friend named Yammy being the oldest, a girl named Isabella the second oldest, a girl and a boy named Lisa and James about driving age, and me, essentially the baby. There are a few other people who would not want me to talk about them here, but they’re all around Lisa and James’s age.

I met Isabella on Deviantart back in May of 2022. We hit it off almost immediately, sharing several interests and a common friend (James). About a month later, we were joking about forming a cult of kindness, and since her username had something with a chicken in it, we named it the chicken kindness coop (she changed it to coop for ethical reasons). I met Lisa, Yammy, and a bunch of other people on that server, and we would do shitpost roleplays and share vents about our real lives. I remember Isabella constantly posting vents and pictures of her life. She was homeschooled, which I used as justification for her constant messaging. Isabella was my grounding stone for a long time.

However, things started to fall apart in May of 2023. Out of the blue, I got a message in a brand new message channel named ‘Judgement Hall.’ Isabella purposefully did not give Lisa access to the channel. She wanted to kick Lisa out of the group chat because she was uncomfortable with her being around. Her reasoning was that Lisa was very religious, which we all knew about and respected. I, as a trans male, and a few other anonymous queer members were all fine with her as she was always a refreshing break from the wild roleplays and heated debates on how you should water your mochi. However, Isabella said Lisa was triggering her religious trauma. I, being an easily influenced minor, let her run her course. However, Yammy stepped in and let Lisa know about Isabella’s message. She sent a mass text out, and told us she was leaving and that this was an unfair judgement on Lisa. Here’s where I might’ve been TA. I immediately replied to her message, saying I was leaving, and asking why Isabella wanted to kick Lisa from the chat without even telling her. I then left the chat.

Later, when Yammy reached out to me, they said that James (who also had religious trauma, but was completely fine with Lisa) had reached out to Isabella. Him being one of the few people who stayed for a while without leaving or being kicked, he was in pretty much an empty server, minus Isabella’s most loyal friends and another friend who would later leave after saving some screenshots. James talked to Isabella, who deflected behind her autism and adhd diagnosis, tried to guilt trip James into feeling bad for her, and playing the victim, saying she did nothing wrong. James (who was probably 3 years younger than her, mind you) was trying to make Isabella see that banning someone from the server behind their back was not ok, but she freaked out and stopped talking. Now, we’re all still dealing with the fallout from this situation, but about a week or two ago, a mutual friend of Isabella and I told me that Isabella wanted to talk, and she wanted to feel less betrayed. Now I feel really bad, because I acted pretty abruptly, but I really don’t know. Yammy and my other friends think I’m in the right, but our mutual friend says I betrayed her and left her in the dust. I really need an outside opinion.

AITA?

(sorry for the incohesive mess)

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole

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birdofmay · 2 years ago

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30 Days of Autism Acceptance 2023

Hello, apparently I act as a substitute teacher this autism acceptance month 😄 @autie-j is busy, so my therapist and I spontaneously thought of 30 questions for 2023 - to be "published" before 1 April 2023 starts in the timezone UTC+14. Which... wasn't much time. If you see this, we made it! 😎

Rules:

Copy and paste the question you want to answer into an own post - this means don't answer via reblog!

You can answer as many or as few as you like. No force, for real.

Tag your post as #30daysofautismacceptance and #2023

1 April: The typical introduction question! Tell us something about yourself. If you can't think of anything, try these: What do you enjoy to do in your free time? What music or series/show do you like? Are you happy with your current living situation/the people you live with? What's one of your favourite foods?

2 April: When were you diagnosed and when did you know that you're autistic? If you're self-diagnosed, when did you first suspect that you're autistic and when were you sure?

3 April: How good or bad is your memory for things people say? For example verbal instructions. If you're deaf: Can you lip read? Do you think your autism influences your ability to lip read?

4 April: Were/are you in special education? Regular school? Home schooled? A private school? Did it change over time? Did/do you like it?

5 April: Did/do you have accommodations at school/IEP? If not, do you think it would help/have helped you?

6 April: Can you understand what people say when they talk fast, or do you lose track after a while? Was it different when you were younger? Additional question if your hearing is aided: If your hearing is aided, does that trigger sensory overloads sometimes?

7 April: Do you have other diagnoses? What are they? Do you think that some could be incorrect?

8 April: Do you struggle to read long texts or are you one of those people who can read everything with ease (Braille counts too of course)? If you're blind, do you struggle to pay attention when a screen reader reads a long text, or is it ok?

9 April: Did an interest ever turn into an "obsession" for you? If not, do you regularly experience hyperfocus when you engage in your special interest? If nothing applies, tell us about your longest interest, no matter if it's a special interest or not!

10 April: Can you understand speech when there is background noise? If you're deaf: Could you understand speech when you were younger? If your hearing is aided: Does the sound make listening to speech uncomfortable to you?

11 April: If you learned to speak as a child (definition for this post: the ability to use spontaneous speech (mouth words) to communicate in at least two-word sentences), did your ability to speak improve after that, stayed the same, decrease, or did something happen that you can't speak at all anymore now?

If you never learned to speak, did it take you a while to find a good communication method (for example sign language didn't work, communication board was too confusing, but AAC device is ok)?

12 April: Were/are you in speech therapy? If so, for what? If not, do you think speech therapy could have helped you?

13 April: How important are routines to you? Are your routines more based on time ("I always do this at 6pm!"), on habits ("I always drink from this cup!") or both?

14 April: If you learned to speak as a child, were you a late talker, average age, or did you speak at a really young age? If you never learned to speak, how do you communicate? For example an AAC device, sign language, a communication board, etc.

15 April: If you can perceive the facial expression of others and learned to recognise the meaning to a degree, did you learn that in social skills training, by your own "hard work", or was it a mix of both? Are there patterns that you understand intuitively (for example recognising fear because it's not so different from how you behave when you feel fear)? - if this question doesn't apply to you, you have a day off! :)

16 April: If you can perceive the facial expression of others, but struggle to learn the meaning, are there strategies you use to at least guess if the person reacts in a good, neutral or bad way to you (for example to spot if you made someone angry by accident)? Do you rely on how their voice sounds as a backup? - if this question doesn't apply to you, not even in your childhood, you have a day off! :)

17 April: If you can't perceive the facial expression of others (for example because you focus too much on details, struggle to perceive people in general, or because you're blind), do you pay attention to the tone of their voice? Can you hear if someone is angry if they don't tell you? - if this question doesn't apply to you, you have a day off! :)

18 April: If you can perceive the facial expression of others, how long does it take you to spot a pattern in new people (for example you observe someone for a while and at some point you know "This person is insecure because they always have that look when they're insecure")? - if this question doesn't apply to you, you have a day off! :)

19 April: Did your ability to express yourself improve or worsen/deteriorate over time? Or did it stay the same? Is it different depending on how you communicate (spoken language, written language, signed...)?

20 April: If you can (or could when you were younger) say words with your mouth (echolalia counts), did/do you have a monotone or "odd" voice, speak too loudly/softly, etc.? Did/do you practice to modulate your voice?

21 April: If you can (or could when you were younger) say words with your mouth, did/do you struggle to pronounce words or sounds? For example r, th, s, etc. - if this question doesn't apply to you, you have a day off :)

22 April: If you can speak (the ability to use spontaneous speech (mouth words) to communicate in at least two-word sentences), do you experience speech loss/verbal shutdowns, etc.? Meaning that you normally can speak, but sometimes you suddenly can't anymore. Semiverbal/semispeaking people and unreliably speaking people (apraxia), you count as "speaking" if you can use spontaneous(!) speech most of the time.

If you can't speak, are there times when communication suddenly is harder than usual? If not, was it different when you were younger?

23 April: Do you have balance issues? If not, was it different when you were younger?

24 April: How did your fine motor skills develop? Were you one of the first kids who could tie their shoe laces or do you think you'll probably never learn it? This is an "open question", if you want to ramble, start rambling.

25 April: How did your gross motor skills develop? Did you walk early or did you struggle to walk (if you can walk)? Do you have a bad posture? This is another "open question".

26 April: If you're interested in other people/want contact, how do you normally make contact with others? Do you stay where you are and hope that they approach you, or do you approach them?

If you're not interested in other people, do others respect and understand that? Were you negatively affected by the "autistics are very social actually and want friends, they just don't know how to do that!" mentality (for example that everyone tries to force social interactions because they think you secretly want social contacts)?

27 April: If you have/want real-life friends, how much contact is important for you and when is it too much? Do/would you miss your friends if you wouldn't see each other in person for a while?

28 April: As a child, did you tend to express yourself overly formally? Or did you struggle with grammar? Did you "borrow" words and expressions from other people or media, or did you make up your own words? Or both?

29 April: Was your hand-eye coordination delayed or maybe is still impaired? This includes things like throwing and catching a ball, putting a key into a lock without missing it, etc. Everything where your brain needs to process what your eyes see so that your hands can adjust what they do. If you're blind, tell us if you think your autism made it harder for you to estimate where things are, using your hands.

30 April: If you're interested in other people/want contact, did you try to make friends on your own when you were younger, or didn't you initiate anything because you didn't know what to do?

If you're not interested in other people, did/do you still enjoy online contact? If not, did/do people assume you're lonely and try to interact with you all the time?

#30daysofautismacceptance #2023 #actually autistic #actuallyautistic

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elasticitymudflap · 1 year ago

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This is apparently hot take but I don't agree that Simon and Betty were bad for each other, or that their relationship was unhealthy in any way.

They had their own individual issues going on (who doesn't?) but it was nothing that couldn't be overcome. People are being way too judgemental

honestly me too... but then again my perception of them is more autism spectrum informed, so maybe im just being sensitive and stupid about it?

i also... kind of dont agree that leaving betty in the situation she is—as we currently know it to be—is all that fair to her. i see people saying things like 'they just need to get over each other/leave each other' and that simon just needs to accept things as they are now. and im like... idk man, i honestly don't think that's the tidy answer to all of this. because all of that has already happened in a way.

he's obviously exhausted every option of trying to bring her back, and much like the situation with margles, even prismo couldn't help her. from what we see in 'obsidian' and the end of 'come along with me', he obviously did try to live with the sacrifices she made for him and move on with his life. of course he would still try to save her, but i think it's pretty obvious that at some point he finally accepted that there is no way of saving her, and that this is just the way things are forever. his golb shrine/ritual items are an act of ultimate desparation; in the end he wasn't trying to summon golb to fix her or something, he was trying to portal himself to the golb dimension. i think he was completely aware that if he made it to the golb dimension that there was no hope of ever returning from there, and that doing this probably would kill him... but that would be fine with him, because at least he could see her one last time.

betty, and golbetty, could have made the choice to stay with him in ooo. either to escape golb's guts with him and endure the end of the world together, or to remain fused with golb and just let the world end with only he and her left alive... but she didn't. for all intents and purposes, she did let him go. she, and later whatever of her was left, made the choice to leave him, to banish herself from this realm and give him the opportunity to live his life. you can see it so clearly inside golb's guts that she's tormented by the situation she put them in, and that she feels extremely guilty for how her actions had led to their, and ooo's, downfall.

i know it still reinforces her cycle of self sacrificing behaviour... but to be fair, this is a much different situation than, like, conciously deciding not to go to australia to explore a new and exciting relationship. i think in that moment she realized, as she apologizes to him for "messing everything up", that there was no way of them both getting out of this alive, and that it was her descisions that ultimately doomed them to this fate. so she literally let him go, shoved him out of her life, content with him to live his however he chooses now that he's freed from the curse in a world which she didn't destroy. remember that her wish to "banish golb" wouldn't have saved her, she would have been digested in the golb dimension had she been successful.

i'd even go so far as to say that maybe betty's wish came in clutch even earlier than episode 8; if she can actually control golb and portals to the golb dimension, there's no way she would have granted him passage, as it would basically be suicide. so maybe that flash of golb's face during the initial ritual was her using her influence to redirect the spell to open the portal to the universe in his head? she doesn't want to see him because of what "seeing her" means, she doesn't want him to kill himself for her, and i think that's pretty fucking reasonable. now, however, it's the only way to save him, so she has finally, begrudgingly, granted him passage.

i have no idea how this whole thing is going to wrap up, but in the end i dont entirely agree with the sentiment that they need to 'let each other go', because they already did that to an extent. i think they need to talk to each other, work their existing issues out, and see where things unfold from there. but again, im probably just being sensitive and stupid about it.

#also i think if your wife becomes god you're allowed to go a little crazy about it

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phoenixcatch7 · 2 years ago

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Thinking about a 'sqq transmigrates (reincarnates) into dc' (specifically the jl because I don't know much about the rest), and who do you think would be funniest? I have narrowed it down to One but if anyone has anything better I'd love to hear it - Constantine, cap marvel and Manhunter were my top choices until:

Batman. Of course. Mainly because of the adoption problem and dozen kids with attachment issues, but also sqq spending his entire time internally shrieking I AM NOT CUT OUT FOR THIS I AM NOT PREPARED SYSTEM WHY DID YOU CHOOSE BATMAN. Trying so hard to fit the theme. Over preparing and stressing over every detail. A bit autism coded. 'I don't fall in love with anyone unless I choose to' wrong. 'You want me??? To?? Share my emotions?? My troubles??? I want to be a good parental figure but I would RATHER DIE'.

*internal sarcasm at local iq* *encyclopedic knowledge* *forgets he's not supposed to know everyone's identity*. "HOW DID YOH EVEN KNOW THAT??!!" 'oh I uh figured it out lol *bluffs sherlock style deduction*'. *repressed* 'Trauma? What trauma? I'm doing Great.'

Alfred is best man but sqq has been fundamentally a rich kid for THREE lifetimes now. He is unsavagable. Acts all high and mighty for the show but self esteem is garbage. UTTER COMMITMENT TO THE BIT at this point (way post svsss canon) I think sqq would genuinely implode if he didn't have a mask to show the public.

System has followed him of course and has him by the scruff of his neck every time he thinks about a more peaceful life. It has very high ooc standards as always until he first puts on the mask.

I can see superman taking over lqgs role a little. Casual friend and bestie. Always ready to help (and occasionally sky uber). Brawn to his brain but smarter than people give him credit for. Ultimate power team. Romantic tension through the roof but never wants anything more (and Bruce is completely oblivious anyway). Everyone sees it though.

Everyone assuming Bruce spent a huge amount of time training in some ultra secret Chinese mountain range (technically they're not wrong!) but no system sent him to the league of assassins he's just using the excuse to work on his cultivation. (talia tried SO HARD to seduce him but it failed utterly so she gave up and stole his dna while he was asleep (he woke up the next morning to a mission success notification and freaked)).

Unlike what his kids except, is fully caught up with memes. They hate it but that just makes him use them more. On the plus side he is susceptible to rickroll. Peak 'my darling child would NEVER how dare' at events. The only ones who know he had (has???) a husband pre reveal.

He teaches them all cultivation like a little qj peak but without the proper environment, which doesn't exist here, they're never going to reach immortality like him. He's fine about that, really :). He's accepted it. Either way that means pit influence doesn't stick, whoo!

Would like nothing more than to kill the joker :). System won't let him. He can't explain that to anyone :).

Meanwhile an lbh centuries old is Missing His Husband and Its Been MONTHS Where are his kisses from shizun??? But seriously WHERE IS HIS HUSBAND BLOOD WILL BE SPILT THE ONE WHO TOOK HIM WILL BE WIPED FROM THE FACE OF THE REALMS THEIR LIGAMENTS STREWN ACROSS THE NORTHERN DESERT AND THEIR ENTRAILS FED TO HYDRA VULTURES WHERE IS HE

Cue an enraged ancient demon emperor breaking through the walls of reality on a universe shattering rampage only for him to be batmans husband :). Who wants kisses.

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feckcops · 1 year ago

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Mental health diagnoses are capitalist constructs

“Mental and physical diagnoses aren’t objective facts that exist in nature, even though we usually think of them this way. While the experiences and phenomena that fall under different diagnostic categories are, of course, real, the way that we choose to categorise them is often influenced by systems of power. The difference between ‘health’ and ‘illness’, ‘order’ and ‘disorder’ is shaped by which kinds of bodies and minds are conducive to capitalism and the state. For example, the difference between ‘ordinary distress’ and ‘mental illness’ is often defined by its impact on your ability to work. The recent edition of the DSM, psychiatry’s comprehensive manual of ‘mental disorders’, mentions work almost 400 times – work is the central metric for diagnosis.

“When we look across history, it becomes even more obvious that diagnosis is tied to capitalist metrics of productivity: certain categories of illness have come in and out of existence as the conditions of production have changed. In the 19th century, the physician Samuel A. Cartwright proposed the diagnosis of ‘drapetomania’, which would describe enslaved Black people who fled from plantations. While we might think of drapetomania as a historical outlier among ‘true’ and ‘objective’ diagnoses, it is underpinned by the same logic as other diagnoses: it describes mental or physical attributes that make us less exploitable and profitable. In the 1920s, medical and psychological researchers became interested in a pathology called ‘accident-proneness’, which was applied to workers who were repeatedly injured in the brutal and dangerous factory conditions of the industrial revolution. Dyslexia, a diagnosis I have been given, also didn’t emerge until the market began to shift from manual labour towards jobs that relied on reading and writing, when all children were expected to be literate. Despite having problems with reading, I understand that in a world where reading and writing weren’t so central to our daily life, there would be no need to name my dyslexia, no need to diagnose it.

“As a system of state power, many of us rely on diagnosis to get the material things that we need to survive in the world. When illness or disability interferes with our ability to work, we often need a diagnosis to justify our lack of productivity – and for some, diagnosis is the necessary pathway to getting state benefits. If we want to get access to medication, treatment or other healing practices provided by the state, diagnosis is also the token that we need to get there. This is made all the more complicated by the fact that doctors have the power to dispense and withhold diagnoses, regardless of our personal desires. When it comes to psychiatric diagnosis, most of us know someone who has had to fight or wait for years for a diagnosis that would improve their quality of life – particularly in the realm of autism, ADHD and eating disorders. The internalised racism, sexism, classism or ableism of doctors often gets in the way of our ability to access the diagnoses that we want and need. Then there are those of us that are given diagnoses that we reject, a process that we also have no say in ...

“When we understand that psychiatric diagnoses are constructed, contested, and aren’t grounded in biological measures, the idea of ‘self-diagnosis’ starts to feel less dangerous or controversial. Self-diagnosis is grounded in the idea that, while the institution of medicine may hold useful technologies and expertise, we also hold valuable knowledge about our bodies and minds. I know many people who have found solace and respite in communities for various diagnoses, even if they don’t have an official diagnosis from a doctor. These spaces, which respect the wisdom offered by lived experience, can be valuable forums of knowledge-sharing and solidarity. Self-diagnosis also pushes against an oppressive diagnostic system that is so centred around notions of productivity.”

#anti-psychiatry #psychiatry #psychology #mental health #mental illness #mental disorders #diagnosis #mental healthcare #healthcare #neurodivergence #drapetomania #dyslexia #autism #adhd #benefits #disability #capitalism

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nalyra-dreaming · 1 month ago

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hello, talking about show only,do you think we can all have our own interpretations or the writers have a fixed interpretation they want us to have and we should all stick to this?

I'm seeing a lot of fighting about different interpretations,of course everyone is free to think whatever they want but ultimately is there just one truth?

Maybe it's autism but it's frustrating for me to not know what narrative i should follow,it's weird to explain and I know it's not your problem,but my mind needs to know.

I'll give you an examples some people would say Louis has no power over Lestat but then some other will say, whitholding love is the worst thing he could have done to Lestat,using the Love is Louis power.

Do you think writers want us to follow one particular narrative that we should be able to pickup on the show?

Hey!

If I understand you correctly you're asking me who to believe?!

And the answer to that - totally outside all the metas and discourse, and discussion is, imho: the actors.

Because our actors have read the books, have discussed the character arcs with the show runner and writers, and have even influenced the show in various ways.

We are very lucky with our actors - they are all top notch.

And so... listen to them.

Read their interviews, watch the video interviews. There are a lot very good ones around, re season 2 I can only recommend the cast interviews Autumn did. For example. Let me know if you need more links.

The actors are the ones who know the arcs, who know the discussions about the arcs that were happening beforehand... and who know what they're doing wrt what they convey on screen.

That does not always align with a lot of fanon interpretations, for example I know a lot of people were very unhappy with Jacob's stance on Loumand.

But our actors are the ones where it all comes together, and who are - ultimately - the ones that are responsible to show us what is meant. In our case, for this show, we are also so lucky that these people know what they're talking about :)))

So my answer is simply: listen to the cast.

They know what they're doing and what they're talking about. (*)

As per the writers - I think the writers leave a lot of things ambiguous on purpose. Which is fine, I think. It is why there are so many interpretations. But if you want to narrow it down for yourself, then listen to the actors :)

---

(* the only thing to consider here is that if you watch/read a pre-season2 interview, for example, that they will frame things a certain way, things they talk differently afterwards, naturally.)

#Anonymous #ask nalyra #amc iwtv #iwtv #amc interview with the vampire #interview with the vampire

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artheresy · 11 months ago

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My dynamic for Dan Feng & Yingxing

Hi hello, I said I would finally post this after long debating over if I show it here first or in my fic first, but fuck it. That’s a long ways away and I need to rant about them because they take up too much space in my brain.

So this post, isn’t me claiming that this is the canon dynamic between Dan Feng and Yingxing or that this is the only right one or whatever. This is purely my own view of what I think their dynamic would be based upon how I see their individual characters with the little bits and crumbs we’ve been given so far in HSR. I can’t go over every single aspect of them here because I just purely can’t think of every single thing so this is primarily going to be talking about the fundamental key parts of my interpretation of their dynamic! If that makes sense, I’ll hop right in

Be warned, this is pretty fucking long, I think so much about them it actually hurts me physically, like it’s painful. This is me just letting my autism run while talking about two of my favorites, so be cautious… sorry in advance if some areas turn into tangents, again I think about them so much its actually too much I think about them too much

AGAIN, THIS IS MY VIEW OF THEM!! Based on the characterization we have so far which isn’t a whole bunch, this is my interpretation of their relationship based on how I view the bits of characterization we have and what we know about them

—

Okay so one of the biggest and most fundamental parts that influences how I view their dynamic and the course of their relationship is looking at how exactly and why exactly I think they became close. Jingliu in her companion quest says:

I think this statement she makes “to see someone so arrogant get along with someone so proud” is actually the foundation of why they get close and their dynamic works rather than an obstacle that they somehow overcome. Specifically, I think that it was Yingxing’s arrogance (partially genuine and partially a habit born for the sake of his own survival) that allowed the two of them to get close. When we see lines from Yingxing via Dan Heng’s memories or via the Mirage Echo, though he uses Dan Feng’s proper title, he seems to talk rather casually to him. Even in a tense situation as secretly being in Scalegorge Waterscape for research would seem, Yingxing still is very lighthearted and in some languages, even laughs a little as he banters with Dan Feng. I have my own headcanons for why he has this casualness to him, but either way it’s a genuine part of him and a part of his canon characterization. I think that casualness, a product of his confidence/arrogance and maybe a little of his obliviousness as well, allows for them to get close. It evens the playing field, Yingxing sees Dan Feng as his equal, as a person, as Dan Feng rather than as his position of Imbibitor Lunae High Elder of the Vidyadhara. I could speculate all day whether or not other people had treated him similarly before and he shot it down (there’s a lot of the actual evolution of the dynamic that I will write I swear), but I think there was something very unique in that casualness that Dan Feng might not have experienced before, not from anyone else, not from the other members of the HCQ he had met before. Perhaps even Yingxing’s background would play a part in how shocked by his behavior DF is. Either way, it is that casualness, that equalness unlike he had ever experienced before, mixed with all of Yingxing’s other characteristics such as his cheeky nature that manages to quickly break down Dan Feng’s walls and make him feel compelled to grow closer to YX. Whether their first meeting was via Baiheng and Jingliu or a chance encounter before they eventually join the HCQ, Dan Feng is coming away from that shell shocked by the sheer audacity of this short life species, feelings he first interprets as offense before he realizes he’s actually amused/interest in him, and Yingxing walking away like “Huh? That was the High Elder I guess. Seems nice, a bit stiff tho!” There is no worship of Dan Feng from his side for any reason, not for his skills, not for his position, not even as an unattainable ethereal beauty situation. He views him as just another person, an equal, and no part of him views DF in this cocky “he’s not unattainable bc I already have him” kind of way because…

—

Another fundamental in my personal interpretation of their relationship is that Yingxing doesn’t truly seek anything from Dan Feng nor does he ever necessarily try to pursue him. And all of this isn’t in an insecure “We’d never work” kind of product of overthinking way of choosing not to pursue him. Rather, it’s primarily because Yingxing doesn’t feel the need to. He doesn’t need his romantic feelinhs to be satisfied or fulfilled especially with the difference in their lifespans. As long as he can be by his side and stay close with him until his time comes to an end, Yingxing is truly perfectly content with that. A lot of this additionally stems from a certain place. That being that after he gets to know Dan Feng better and learns of the sheer pressure he endures due to his position, the choices he feels he’s forced into, the level of restriction, even with all of the influence Dan Feng still has, he doesn’t want to be an added source of pressuring or discomfort. To sum it up, Yingxing leaves the ball in Dan Feng’s court so he can act as he sees fit when he feels like it. There’s an added layer to this also of Yingxing not wanting to ruin the current state of their dynamic (a topic I’ll get into more). In the end, this is just yet another part of Yingxing that utterly pulls Dan Feng in. He is very used to being distrusting of others and refusing to get close to many people, primarily out of wariness of the potential ulterior motives people may have when befriending him. Contrastly, Yingxing doesn’t expect or even want anything from Dan Feng even the closer they get. Dan Feng can see that, and it makes him trust in Yingxing. Makes him trust to the point that he feels comfortable enough to make attempts pursuing Yingxing himself rather than meeting at a stalemate, refusing to go after a man Dan Feng knows won’t chase him as to not risk pressuring him and bc he’s fine with how things are. That isn’t to say though that Yingxing won’t respond to any attempts Dan Feng makes first though, because he absolutely will. Well… that is if he can recognize any attempts from Dan Feng at all because he can be rather oblivious in the face of people making advances at him-

An added part to all of this is that Yingxing with the way he acts, both in general and in this specific regard, ends up being part of what helps influence and encourage Dan Feng to do more to take what he wants, actually follow his desires in certain aspects rather than keeping up his stiff outer image and denying himself of everything for that sake of his position. The HCQ in general all have influence helping Dan Feng open up more like this, seizing things instead of either waiting for things on a platter or never having them. However, Yingxing's bold nature is definitely the strongest factor as he ends up helping Dan Feng learn to identify what he wants for himself. Whether that want is something as complex as moving forward in a relationship when not only has Dan Feng had very little experience with close connections to others, but also is so accustomed to the stillness of long life, or something as simple as taking breaks and time to himself to live and breathe and experience life moving around him. It's through Yingxing (and the rest of the HCQ) that Dan Feng learns to be more selfish. It's through all of their care and kindness and love that Dan Feng learns that he too is not merely a pillar to stand tall for his people. That he is a person with needs and wants, and it is perfectly fine to be selfish and prioritize yourself at times.

—

So that previous section got into a little bit of Dan Feng’s trust in Yingxing, but what about Yingxing’s side of things? What about his trust in Dan Feng? I dunno what it is about him, but I feel like Dan Feng is the kind of person who can hear some of the deepest confessions and see the barest parts of the heart of someone he cares about and not treat them any differently like as if they are fragile y’know. Like Dan Feng is the person who Yingxing, out of all the HCQ, can truly confide in because he knows he won’t be seen different or treated in a drastically different way. Ultimately, Jingliu isn’t someone he feels he can go to for super emotional things which she likely herself knows she wouldn’t be able to help much with, Jing Yuan and him have a very light hearted joking dynamic that makes changing the tone and breaking the mood for a deep heart to heart much harder so he doesn’t often do it, and Baiheng… well, deep down Baiheng still sees Yingxing as that disheartened little boy, who had lost everything and was being told that there’s nothing he could do about it given his lifespan, that he couldn’t avenge what he had lost. If Yingxing were to tell her how he honestly truly feels about everything in his life, the traumas he still hadn’t overcome or the thoughts that plague him every day, he knows she would end up fretting over him, mother hen style. Being overly cautious as if his mind is made of glass, and as much as he loves her, he hates the idea of her changing how she treats him because of just how much she cares for him in turn.

(It’s a trait I see Baiheng having as to it being an obstacle in her other relationships like with Yingxing but works well in her relationship with Jingliu, caring for her and treating her softly, not underestimating her, in a way that others are too afraid to treat the unwavering, ice cold Sword champion! Matching DF and YX’s whole situation with his arrogance and casualness)

In the end, Yingxing feels like Dan Feng is the only one he can truly trust with the deepest corners of his heart and mind without worrying of Dan Feng either judging him or suddenly treating him like a fragile piece of porcelain. Even if he were to take note of something Yingxing told him and do something in response perhaps to ease his worries or heart ache, it would never be something out of pity or thinking Yingxing to be unable to take care of himself. Because ultimately, that’s where this all stems for Yingxing. He has lived so much of his life underestimated, whether having his skills and abilities questioned for being a short life species or sometimes intentionally sometimes unintentionally having his ability to take care of himself questioned like he needs a caretaker. Something that again is partially due to again to being a short life species. What Yingxing likes about Dan Feng is from the moment he met him, he doesn’t feel as if he is being questioned or underestimated. Dan Feng makes him feel as if he is truly seen as an equal, even with their distinct difference in power. It’s a treatment from Dan Feng that serves as a response to Yingxing’s own treatment of Dan Feng, his casualness to the other man making it clear he sees him as an equal as well.

And that? Well that is perhaps the most important part of the dynamic. In canon, they both have struggles with how they are seen and treated by others based on preconceived notions about their status. Dan Feng being in a way dehumanized as he is put up on a pedestal for being an incarnation of Imbibitor Lunae, for being the High Elder of the Vidyadhara, a position that he wants to escape because of the sheer loss of identity just a role brings. Yingxing being underestimated from the moment he stepped onto the Xianzhou because he wasn’t a long life species to the point that the other celestial masters on the Zhuming borderline bullied him into doubting himself, thinking a lot about his own death, and as a young boy (not even a teen yet), literally saying “Maybe I’ll never live to see the day my parents are avenged.” In my view of them, for them to truly be as close as they are established in canon, I think that from the start of their dynamic they make it very clear they see the other as a genuine and true equal in a way that other people haven’t or perhaps, can’t fully.

—

I said this before my in Aurizzm Yingxing post, but yeah, I don’t think Dan Feng or Yingxing would have come into a romantic relationship with each other with any experience at all. I know Dan Feng with no experience is a very accepted idea, and I agree with it very much given his isolated position and his proud attitude and that 100% plays into my view of their dynamic. I also however, firmly believe Yingxing came in without any romantic relationship experience too. The difference here ends up being in how inexperienced each of them are. Yingxing has had a lot more friendship experience, and he’s experienced crushes before which is how he can identify his own romantic feelings better than Dan Feng. But he’s never actually been in any relationship. He’s never had the time, he’s got his own goals in mind while being painfully aware he’s on a time limit, and let’s be real like I said before, This Man is married to his Forge. Meanwhile, Dan Feng truly hasn’t had any friendships prior to the HCQ. Knowing him and her too, I firmly believe Dan Feng and Jingliu’s relationship for example, was for maybe a few decades, maybe a literal century, just them sparring without words from time to time. So Dan Feng not only going in with no friendship experience, but I think that man also is having to recognize some new emotions and feelings he’s never experienced nor can put words to. So Dan Feng’s disaster comes in being painful aware of the presence and intensity of his own feelings… he just doesn’t have the words nor experience to recognize exactly what those feelings are. It’s an absolute disaster on all fronts, somebody pray for the HCQ who unfortunately have to experience all of this.

There’s an added layer I want to go more into looking back at the first part of why their relationship works and the thing I said about the Baiheng trait. As we saw with Jingliu admitting to her feelings towards his attitude as a child, she wasn’t… she wasn’t really a fan so to say of his arrogance. And given y’know, what we see of the people of the Luofu, I don’t doubt many people have similar reactions. Part of Yingxing’s limited experience comes not only from his own decision to not pursue anything, I think part of it comes from being for whatever reason feeling distaste for him. Whether it’s their own prejudices against Outworlders, or his bold attitude and lack of formality that makes any interest they had in him end up flying away. Which ugh, makes it even more special that this attitude of his, born out of necessity for his own survival on the Xianzhou and for his ability to move forward in his craftsmanship after all he went through, which has pushed so many people away, ends up being the exact thing that allows him to get close to Dan Feng. IT’s UGGGHHH Sorry, but I just need to scream. I NEED TO SCREAM ABOUT THEM OKAY?? THEY TAKE UP TOO MUCH SPACE IN MY BRAIN, I CAN’T HAVE A SINGLE MOMENT OF REST BECAUSE OF THEM

—

Again, this is my view of them and their dynamic based upon what we have been given in game so far, the crumbs of characterization we have. God I hope we get more. This isn’t me saying this view of them is canon or anything, this is just how I view them. This is the dynamic and thoughts that have grown like mold in my head from thinking about them WAY too much.

I have so much more I could talk about, certain specific things or things that don’t even immediately come to mind right now. If you want to ask more about how I view them or have some topic or aspect of them in mind, please hit me up. Either send something to my inbox or bust your way into my dms to talk about them. I love them so much. They mean the world to me.

And honestly? I could just make two whole separate posts also just about how I specifically characterize each of them, but I think I need to let my brain rest a bit.

And don’t think about this dynamic specifically in reference to how it could reflect on their current selves because you might just end up hurting yourself like I have. GOD I HATE THEM

#okay so I have so much more to say about df/yx but i wanted to take the tags to talk about rh #i want to make a separate post about them as well mostly bc of smth ill rant about here #the arguing between rh antis vs rh shippers has devolved into such a lack of nuance from both sides that its HURTING MY BRAIN #rh anti: ‘Blade HATES Dan Heng’#yeah he does #but also its not a shallow kind of hatred #it’s a multilayer complicated hatred built on past feelings of regret betrayal and fundamentally a past love from yingxing #that is what the hatred we see (mostly amplified outwardly by the mara) is all built upon that is PART of the appeal its tragedy its doomed #it’s a loss of what was and how that influences its own unique dynamic different from df & yx #rh anti: ‘DH hates Blade’ also true but again #its become a complicated kind of dislike mixed with the shock and realization of who Blade USED to be and past memories coming back #additionally there’s a little something called character and relationship development where dynamics and characters change over the story…#rh shipper: ‘You’re saying Blade hates DH lol are we reading the same game’ YES WE ARE #YES HE DOES #He does hate him yes its a complicated kind of hatred as I already said but that doesnt erase that he does hold resentment towards Dan Heng #did none of you?? read the relic lore??#if you believe that dan heng is destined to die with blade then you believe hes apart of that ‘final funeral to the unnamed’s life and #to everything he ever hated.’ …like guys why are we saying he doesnt hate him at all #it outright flies in the face of blade’s character to say he doesn’t hate him like HELLO? it’s just a complicated hatred #not nonexistent and like seriously the hatred again adds to the appeal of their dynamic #their tragedy lies in how their past forms were once close and through a shared sin plus some stuff to inspire Blade’s vengeance that #that relationship has been completely destroyed beyond repair under the weight of their sin #love replaced with an eternal hatred and remorse a betrayal grave enough to spark such violent revenge #is what makes rh appealing! makes their dynamic interesting and that dynamic developing further as threads of their past still linger but #alas arent the same as before fundamentally changed and unique to them again MAKES IT INTERESTING AND TRAGIC!! esp knowing blade will die #yingxing #dan feng #xingyue #renheng #honkai star rail

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chameleonspell · 3 months ago

Text

HTDC commentary - 3: breathe

[Looking back at HTDC after nearly ten years: comments on lore, character notes, influences, art, whatever. May contain spoilers for later chapters.]

chapter text: 3: breathe

In this bit, I get explicit about some of the stuff implied by Ire's behaviour, last chapter. Which I have mixed feelings about now, because it reads very blunt and tell-not-show and whatever, but... oh, well. At other times I'm maybe not obvious enough with character's internal processes, and the reader should at least understand the terms Ire uses for his own issues. This is all stuff Ire is self-aware about and he's currently reflecting on it, so fine, let's set out Iriel's psychological stall.

only distantly registering the wet ground soaking through his pants.

Wait, no, let's talk about his pants, because alexgaretti dragged me about this later, and I deserve it - why did I convert everything else about the narration into my native British English spellings, but then keep saying "pants" instead of "trousers"? I DON'T KNOW, OKAY, IT JUST FELT WRONG. Pants are how leg-things are labelled in the Morrowind game! Common pants, extravagant pants, it's all pants! People wear pants, that's just how it is. I felt weird enough spelling "bonemould" with a U, leave me alone.

Imprisonment, he knew, was part of it. Of course it had affected him, he had been foolish to expect otherwise. Ridiculous to think he could simply pick up his life where he had left off.

There are obvious reasons why Bethesda games never do anything further with their habitual gambit of starting your character as a prisoner - the player should get to decide who their character is, and how they react! The game isn't going to force you to consider that a character who has been in jail for any length of time (especially delicate, cruelly-framed prisoner characters) may have been wildly traumatised by this experience, and may have difficulty adjusting to being suddenly given their freedom.

Fanfic is the trauma-processing place, though, so naturally we all love having carte blanche to let our characters be really messed up by it.

He offended someone by staring at them? Why? How many seconds were you allowed to look at someone? Wait, not looking at them could be rude too? How could anyone figure out this stuff? If they couldn’t even explain to him how to do it right, why tell him he was doing it wrong?

This chapter is where people started asking me if Iriel has autism. Which I still don't have a concrete answer for! Partly because I'm not sure a fictional character benefits from that kind of word-of-god authorial specificity, when you could just let readers decide, and relate to him however they want to. But also because if Ire's autistic, then probably I'm autistic, and it's not like I'm against the concept, but I really don't know! When I was writing HTDC, I labelled a lot of my behaviours as social anxiety, because they primarily manifested when I was under stress. It blew my mind slightly when someone said to me, "what if it's just that being under stress removes your ability to mask?". I'm still thinking about that one, to be honest, but I'll spare you my non-conclusions, here.

Then he hit adolescence, and it turned out that everything prior had just been the warm-up act for being a queer teenager completely unequipped to conceal this fact from his incomprehending parents and conservative town.

While I'm still vaguely irritated by this chapter, at least we didn't get all this backstory as actual written chapters, right? Gotta start in media res. Gotta skip to the bits that matter for this story.

Also, we don't need to have the boring argument about whether it's more radical/regressive to write fantasy queer utopias, or to recreate systems of oppression in fantasy worlds, right? Of course people can do either, do both, do whatever suits their purpose and is interesting.

I've read some amazing fic* set in Summerset, where homosexuality was an accepted and valued part of society. That approach is totally valid! It just didn't fit what I wanted to do, here, so my headcanons are different.

Based on what I'd inferred about Altmer values (I don't know ESO, don't talk to me about ESO), homophobia as a default in that society does seem very plausible to me. Summerset is a culture where bloodlines (and so heterosexual procreative pairings) are obsessively cultivated. Your blood is who you are, it’s fixed and unalterable, and if you’re acting (or fucking) against the overall societal interest, there must be something wrong with you and your blood.

According to a first-era emissary to the Altmer isles: "Breeding outside the pure line is a terrible, unthinkable crime, and taken as prima facia evidence of the tainted blood of the individual in question- if they were, they wouldn't have the impulse to do it. Exile to the mainland is regarded as equivalent to a death sentence, since there is no purpose in living outside their ideal society."

Now, we have to take this with a heavy pinch of salt. He goes on to write: "They have no real names of their own, only combinations of numbers that, when spoken aloud, sound to human ears as such. They feel no real tenderness for one another and have no concept of compassion." So, as with any TES text: biased source. But I think it's reasonable to assume that the Altmer do care a lot about purity of bloodlines, since this theme reoccurs elsewhere.

* Exhibit A: In Pedo Impedimenta, which is hands-down the best Summerset fic around, and in terms of wildly imaginative headcanons, one of the best TES fics, full stop. It's... a lot. It's unfinished, but you should read it anyway.

He had a plan: the Crystal Tower. Get there, he told himself, and everything will be all right. And then he did… and it wasn’t.

The fic I linked above, In Pedo Impedimenta, is set in the 4th era, and has a scene in which an Imperial tries to make a politely regretful remark about the tragic destruction of the Crystal Tower during the Oblivion Crisis. He is blindsided by how even the slightest mention sucks the air out of the room, sending half the Altmer into tearful, traumatised paroxysms of shock, while others barely restrain themselves from murdering him. The level of social faux pas is off the charts, basically. Altmer grief for the Tower is fathomless, because the Crystal Tower represented the Altmer people, was their heart, soul, ancestral memory, you name it. A symbol of Altmeri perfection.

Iriel revered the Tower from childhood, grew up struggling to prove himself worthy. Getting accepted there was a validation of his entire being, evidence that whatever anyone else thought, he was capable of touching, representing and embodying that perfection. Getting expelled, therefore, was equally personal.

Intellectually, Iriel knows there were petty, down-to-earth reasons for his expulsion, but that sort of symbolism is hard to shake.

Speaking of symbolism, according to ESO, the Crystal Tower looks like this. Yes, I know. I hate it, I had not seen this when I wrote about it, and I honestly refuse to accept it. I wanted it to be a symbol of Iriel's pure desire for knowledge and intellectual advancement, but SOME PEOPLE want to make everything he does into a sex joke. I hate it, and I don't care that it's got a nice safe flared base.

Invisibility potions require diamonds - too expensive to make a habit of. Ire began to practice invisibility cantrips obsessively. [...] Gradually, he discovered that more subtle and specialised effects were possible with illusion, allowing him to adjust his “dosage” according to the situation.

Illusion magic! Already, it's being framed as a sort of drug, with dosages and expensive dependency. Iriel makes this framing himself, and later mutters sarcastically about his addictive personality. But what is he trying to medicate away? Short answer: himself. Physically or mentally can vary. I told people from the start: the title of the fic was never metaphorical.

Depending on the alchemical properties of the bog, corpses could either remain perfectly preserved indefinitely, or decompose to skeletons in mere hours. He suspected that he was not the former.

Iriel has a terrible phobia of skeletons and bones, though I don't think I knew that yet, when I wrote this line. But this is the crux of it: bones are what's left, when everything else has been taken away, all the soft, pretty, fleshy nonsense that buffers our inmost selves from the outside world. Bones have nowhere to hide. And, to Iriel at least, they are fucking horrid.

But Iriel, we could say, what's the alternative? That corpses don't decompose? That dead people stay the same forever, and never really leave? Isn't that differently horrid? I got really obsessed with this theme, later, something Morrowind's burial customs makes easy.

Sinilakki drew Iriel being all translucent in the swamp.

Perhaps I shouldn't have said Iriel had a psychological stall. Stalls don't move, and the entire point of a character-driven narrative is to move a character, right? How are we moving them? On rails, like a train? Self-driven, or carried passenger? That has to change, too, right?

Around half-way through writing HTDC, I made a notes document, trying to clarify to myself what kind of story I was trying to tell. I did it by defining the sort of story I wasn't trying to tell, and I'm just gonna copy-paste it all here, stream-of-consciousness non-capitalisation and all:

not a coming of age story

ire knows who he is (that's kinda the problem), he's an adult now, whatever the fuck that means.

it's about what happens next, how he can fit this adult self of his into the world (can he? does he want to? what kind of world? there are many.) what does it mean to be normal, does he want that? why/why not?

if he fits in, what will that cost him? if he walks away from everything, what will that cost him? what does he value most? could he still change? should he? what would that cost? are these cost estimates of his accurate?? how is even mental accounting???

how mutable is his identity, his self-image, the image he projects? which one is real, are any of them real? is he a trick of the light, reflecting false images with nothing behind it at all? smoke and mirrors.

not a coming out story

ire's out to his family (he's never had much choice about it) and he's past all that terrified self-realisation, first love/lust bit, past the initial horror of it. the worst already happened, in terms of his family and his old life, it's dead and gone, and he survived. and he's bored now. bored and bitter. because it ought to get easier, and it doesn't. "it gets better" got him through his teens. but he's still waiting, and nothing fucking changes, or rather, it got worse. where is his community? is that a thing? and while plenty of this is beyond his control, part of it is internal. Ire maintains, on a logical, rational, principled level, that there's nothing wrong with his sexuality, and that what happened wasn't his fault, that he was badly treated, that he deserves the same right to love and be happy as anyone. HOWEVER. it's not as simple as that. he's been deeply psychologically damaged by homophobia, it has claws in his self esteem that he can't seem to shift. he worries he can't maintain a healthy relationship because of it. worries he can't have a healthy relationship with himself.

not a romance

it's not about iriel falling in love with someone truly, madly, deeply, permanently happy ever after. it's certainly not about a relationship fixing his problems, if anything it gives him more.

it is about relationships, in particular his changing relationship with julan, and the ways it makes him examine himself and how he interacts, and what he wants from another person. What he did wrong in the past, and what he needs to stop blaming himself for. And what his partners need from him, and how he can learn to meet those needs, should he choose to do so. about that negotiation. about failing at it, about screwing things up really badly, on both sides, and where that ends up. about trying to fix things. about what you can/should forgive, what you can't, and what forgiveness means. about recognising when to hold on to someone and when to let go.

what is preventing iriel from building healthy relationships? from feeling, expressing and receiving love? how does this change? what kinds of relationships/people are good for him?

not a tragedy

ire's been through enough shit, and doesn't really believe happiness is likely. this is not about proving him right. it's not about giving him a happy ending on a plate either, his is not a journey of one step, and this story is limited in scope. but it's about managing loss & moving forward.

ok so what is it?

it is about survival and growth. how ire is paralysed by his trauma, and resists change, and the ways he struggles to get past this. to take control of himself & be more than a product of his past & his conditions. to make choices, not be swept along/reacting. to find ways of being in the world and engaging with it.

its about ire's coping mechanisms. what they are, why he has them, how they help him, how some of them damage or restrict him. whether he needs them, or can replace them, reconfigure them, drop them entirely. the things you do to survive are not the things you do to get free. how can ire move from survival to getting free?

it's about surviving, and then about surviving/outgrowing the person you had to become in order to survive.

All aboard, guarfuckers! We've got 197 miles of bad road!

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