#which is nice because I feel like I've felt rather negative lately

[youngchronicpain]

Like yeah, I'll never have a pain-free day in the future. I will experience pain every day for the rest of my life. But! I also will laugh with my family. I will create beautiful things. I will share beautiful moments with my partner. I will experience the bands that I love releasing new music. Things will get worse and maybe get better and it really sucks that I hurt so much but there is still so much good waiting for me. And I'm really glad that I'm still here to see it.

[absolutebl]

Hello, how are you? First of all, I want to say, thank you so much for this blog of yours, AbsoluteBL....Because of you I know more about BL in general and the history behind it.....Your analysis are amazing and easy to read and to be understood (sorry English is not my native language)....I also love reading your recommendations and discussion.....Before I found this blog, I never watched any Thai drama, but you changed me.... Thanks...

Do you mind if I ask your opinion on something? I noticed that you are a book lover and a fast reader, so what do you think, about western MLM stories? What makes Asian BL better than western MLM stories? I don't mean to talk negatively but i want to read your opinion about it (because I love reading your writings)....

Before I watched Asian BL, I already read books and watch movies or series that contains MLM, but it just hit differently somehow (I don't know how to express what I mean).....

Most of otps that I love from western series or movies are bromance or male best friends that I love the chemistry, and for series that have canon MLM couple, I don't really ship them, not like in Asian BL...(I dont know why, maybe you have an idea ir two, why is that)....

Oh, do you mind if I gave you books recommendations? They are not long at all and a quick reading (especially since you are a fast reader), have you read "All For The Game" trilogy by Nora Sakavic or "Captive Prince" by trilogy by C.S.Pacat (the author said herself, that she was inspired by BL manga when wrote this books, and I think you will love them) ? Those are my top favorite MLM books....

Sorry for this long ask, feel free if you want to ignore it....Thanks again for your hard works in this blog....Hope you have a wonderful day.....

Hi, OMG you are so nice and I am abotu to get so salty! I love you and, I’m sorry? 

MM BOOKS

I would say at a general guess (looking at my old Goodreads account) I've read about 1000 mm romances. (before you get mad I’d say about 300 ff, 400 alt queer of soem kind, and way way way more than that het). And that’s just romance. I used to average between 300-500 books a year. And yes, I’m a speed reader. And yes, I retain very very little of it. 

So yeah.

I don't read them much anymore. Most mm went into KU over the last 4 years and I don't play that game. Plus I'd rather watch and talk about BL these days than read anything I’m not obligated to for work.

Sorry but I loathed Pacat's Captive Prince. Just like Red, White & Royal Blue a few years later it was as if everyone suddenly felt compelled to read and "discover" mm with that series and I DO NOT GET THE APPEAL. I come originally out of SFF and the world building was so poor, the Ds dynamic was unresolved and lacklustre (possibly because it was seme/uke, which now knowing might make it more palatable to me but, shrug, too late), the writing quality was not great, and I disliked most of the characters. Honestly, it reminded me of 1980s Sharon Green or Joanna Lindsey, just profoundly dated in its sensibility and clumsy with its trope execution. Like it was written by someone who had read very little romance or fantasy, but maybe a few 1970s pirate rape books.

And you thought I could only get this mean about Mame!

Just look at me go when books are one the line.

I think Pacat is like KinnPorsche, the people who like it are obsessed and the rest of us are like... but there's so much better stuff out there, why don't you... no? Okay then. Just, please stop talking about it?

As for Sakavic I don't read mafia and I don't read sports so I'm afraid I probably won't bother. Honestly, though, with these two as your top picks have you heard of Jex Lane's Beautiful Monsters? Although I'm not sure they finished writing the series, I gave up waiting.

I suppose I have probably scared you off now?

Look, everyone likes what they like and my reading taste is about as quirky as my drama taste, if not more so.

What do you care what I think?

I'm a grape soda person.

I don't like sourdough bread.

ooo, ooo!

White chocolate is a perfectly serviceable version of chocolate.

We all have our quirks.

[adobe-outdesign]

Since I'm here, could I know what you think about Froslass? Also, just wanted to say that if you have a negative opinion on her, please don't bash on her like you did with poor Gallade, as I'm here just to hear your thoughts, and I don't want to see you shit talk about my favorite Pokémon and detail why you hate them, thanks.

(I didn't bash Gallade, I just pointed out what elements of it I didn't care for. Apologies if it came across as overly negative--it was an earlier review so it might not be up to current standards--but it's pretty self-defeating if I just blindly praise every design instead of offering my honest opinions. And while I happen to like Froslass fine, you probably shouldn't ask for a review if negative opinions bother you so much.)

Froslass' has always been a really cool Pokemon, in my opinion. I mean, it's a hollow ice-type based off a Yuki-onna that freezes creatures to put them on display because it's possessed by a woman who died on a snowy mountain. How can you not like that?

Froslass was actually a late edition to the line, but I think it works a lot better than Gallade. First, Gallade felt like it was trying to cis-ify the Ralts line due to how Gardevoir has a dress, while Glalie is, like, an Orb. And secondly, Froslass' backstory justifies the gender ratio (compared to Gallade, which seems to be male-only solely for no reason other than the aforementioned cisness).

With that said, however, I do think that Froslass should've actually been its own Pokemon rather than a Snorunt evolution. Snorunt and Glalie are both shapes (a triangle and a circle respectively), while Froslass is, uh, kimono-shaped? The only things that tie it back to the rest of the line are the ice horns, which match Glalie's, and the dark indented areas on the face. And given that the backstory given doesn't make a whole lot of sense with it evolving from Snorunt (guess it could've just been the first Froslass that was possessed?), I really think it could've just been its own single-stage Pokemon.

Anyway, with all of that said, Froslass looks pretty decent from a visual standpoint. I love how the "arms" connect to the head instead of the shoulders, how they flare out to resemble kimono sleeves, and how the body is simple and tied together with a nice obi. It bears enough resemblance to a kimono that you know what you're looking at, but a much more unique body shape than the humanoid 'mons usually sport.

I only have two complaints with the design. First, those ice horns feel out of place. I get that they're trying to tie back to Glalie (and I've heard some say Yuki-onna have ice horns as well), but they're both three-dimensional and weirdly angular in an otherwise flat and smooth design. You definitely need something on the head or it would look too blank, but I can't help but feel like you could give it a fin to match the "bow" on the back or something.

And secondly, the colors are a bit of a mess. Red, blue and white are good, but then you have a reddish-orange obi out of nowhere when you already had the purple as the accent. Just make the obi purple! Also, it feels like the eye should be all yellow or the cornea should be white with a yellow iris in order to make it pop more. As is, it looks like it has jaundice a bit.

I popped it into Photoshop and took a quick stab at adjust the colors and trying out a different head decoration (original on right). I don't know if the head fin is quite the right solution to the horn issue or not, but this at least feels more unified and coherent to my eyes.

But as a whole, Froslass is a pretty awesome looking Pokemon with some great lore behind it. It's just a shame that it's forcibly tied into the Snorunt line, both visually and thematically, as it feels like that's the one thing holding it back (aside from the colors).

Also, as a final side note: Froslass really should've gotten a regional in Legends Arceus. It's Japanese-based because of the kimono and it's a yokai! Plus it should get something of its own, seeing as Glalie got a mega and it didn't.

[confusedwitch]

Witch-Related Books to Grab off Amazon: Masterpost Part 1

First off, I'll be sectioning this into different parts based off of what type of witch you are/want to be/want more info on, or what practices you wanna add to your craft :)

Green Witch/Magick Herbalism (a classic):

The Green Witch by Arin Murphy-Hiscock - $9.69 (Hardcover): This book had incredible reviews on amazon, and a lot of the written reviews said that the book wasn't specific to a religion and didn't try to push a religion on you, which is so wonderful because not everyone wants to be religious with their craft.

Plant Witchery by Juliet Diaz - $25.19 (Hardcover) $18.99 (Paperback): Again, stunning reviews, just a less popular book. This book isn't about general stuff, but instead it's more focused on mother nature and the useage of plants (non-herbal as well, so your houseplants might be mentioned too), which is great if you wanna center your practice around Gaia and the healing energies of the earth.

Herb Magick: An Introduction to Magickal Herbalism and Spells by Patti Wigington - $14.99 (Paperback): here's a review from a verified person- it explained this book WAY better than I ever could:

The focus of this book is on the folkloric and magical uses of herbs, rather than medicinal applications. It provides a few traditional uses of herbs, but the overall theme is knowledge of the plants and their associations, and incorporating them in your spiritual workings. This is an Introductory to Magical Herbalism.

The author's spiritual practice is rooted in traditional American and European Folk Magic. She is a licensed Pagan Clergy and is the founder of Clan Of The Stone Circle, a Celtic Pagan Tradition. (Funny, anything Celtic has been pulling my attention feelers lately, no wonder why I loved this book.) Her spells are derived/based upon the traditional folk magic practices of Western Europe and the British Isles, and the author's own experiences. They are positive spells for magical intentions of healing, love, prosperity, and protection. Baneful or negative workings with herbs are NOT used in this book.

The aesthetic of this book has my little, beginner herbalist heart gushing! The blue, green, and yellow earthy tones and hues used were perfect for the topic of herbs! The cover is GORGEOUS! It's so pretty and flowery, the illustrated pictures of the herbs were extremely helpful because I had never seen some of the plants before. This will make future identification much easier for me!

Cunningham's Encyclopedia of Magical Herbs by Scott Cunningham - $16.43 (Paperback): A couple reviews describe it as being in a cookbook format, and overall an amazing book, like most of Scott Cunningham's other works. Apparently the Amazon shipping was literal trash for a bunch of people and they essentially left the book loose inside the box to bang around and get all sorts of messed up :((

The Witch's Herbal Apothecary by Marysia Miernowska - $18.69 (Paperback): Described by reviewers as the PERFECT book for recipes and rituals, even one of Marysia's personal students spoke very highly of her, saying that she's the real deal. Other reviews state the book as being very beginner friendly, and beautifully written and illustrated :))

Blackthorn's Botanical Magic: The Green Witch's Guide to Essential Oils for Spellcraft, Ritual, and Healing by Amy Blackthorn - $15.79 (Paperback): again, phenomenal reviews, just a lesser-known book. Again, here's a review from someone who explained the book a bit better than I could:

This book is way more than I thought it would be. I thought it would be like a dictionary - you look up the essential oil and get the definition. It is that but it's also got a few introductory chapters about oils and products and rituals to give you a nice and concise overview of a lot of things you might need to know as a novice. I also like the way you can reference different oils in alpha order but also look up your purpose and find the oil you need.

From the looks of it, this book is specifically about Essential Oils. Is that still Green Witchery?? Lol I'm not sure, but i felt like it should go in this category.

Kitchen Witch (another classic):

Blackthorn's Botanical Brews by Amy Blackthorn - $14.49 (Hardcover): this is mainly a book of recipes for drinks and cocktails and stuff. There was one review complaining about how it didn't have correspondences, meanwhile the book is literally described as being a recipe book? It's an AMAZING book if you enjoy/want to start making homemade elixirs and cocktails :))

The Natural Witch's Cookbook: 100 Magickal, Healing Recipes, and Herbal Remedies to Nourish Body, Mind, and Spirit by Lisanna Wallace - $20.69 (hardcover): This is again just a book of recipes, and the reviews are really good. Here's one of them:

I wanted to write the review as soon as I got the book. I was not expecting this book to be so fantastic. The recipes are very nutritious and the names are very inventive, but I could see that before I tried the recipes. I held off on writing the review until I tasted a few of the recipes. Even my kids were very happy with the flavors of these recipes. They are mostly easy to make and they are very delicious. Be aware though that the food can only be as great as the quality of the ingredients that you get. These are not recipes that call for complicated or fancy ingredients, or even a lot of ingredients. As a result, you have to use the best that you can find/afford to get the best results you can. I did not use expensive ingredients, but everything I used was very fresh and it does make a difference on the outcome. Overall, the book have some great recipes, easy to follow and the end result does look like the ones on the picture.

The Book of Kitchen Witchery by Cerridwen Greenleaf - $12.89 (Paperback):

I am so pleased with this book. It’s so magical and warm. Sometimes the new age genre can be a little too technical or focus too much on religion or putting down particular religions... this was not like that. There are so many lovely tips and easy spells and recipes that are kept fairly light so you can make them your own. The book just makes me happy, it has an energy to it that goes right along with it’s artsy illustrations and at-a-glance format. This will be a great reference. Very grateful to everyone who made this book possible.

A former editor said that there were a few editing mistakes, but nothing too crazy. If that's one of your pet peeves, just beware when buying this book lol (btw the editor still have a 4 star review because they said the book is still very good)

Potions, Elixirs & Brews by Anaïs Alexandre - $12.79 (Hardcover): I just had to include both of these amazing reviews, since both said what the other review did not.

This book is so gorgeous and everything I have been looking for in regards to potions. I love her writing style and the way the book looks. Highly informative and I can feel her good intentions behind the book. She is very intelligent. I respect her and I am inspired by her! I found her by chance looking up books for potions, she also has Instagram! Very grateful, amazing book thank you:-) so happy to be the first comment:p excited to see what else amazing things come from Anais!

And

I adore this book. The art and setup is simplistic and beautiful. There is a system that tells you exactly how difficult each potion will be to make, whether or not it’s alcoholic, and what is the ideal season to make it in. The instructions are clear, the preliminary information is well done, and there’s even a section for brewing large batches which I LOVE. The weight of the book is nice and it feels of good quality. The papers are glossy and, I haven’t yet, but I feel like it won’t be a disaster If you get some of your creation on it. The book is separated into types of potions depending on your intent. This is a perfect book for anyone new to making potions or is interested in a magickal recipe book!

The Witches Feast: A Kitchen Grimoire by Melissa Madara - $35 (Hardcover): This book actually isn't out yet, but it'll be released on October 26th of this year (2021). It looks promising, which is why I put it on the list, and for that much money, it better be good lol

Lunar/Moon/Astrology Witch:

The Complete Guide to Astrology by Louise Edington - $9.49 (Paperback) $22.99 (Hardcover): There's amazing reviews on this book, and one of them said that she's been researching astrology for 23 years!! Here's the review in it's entirety:

I've been a student of Astrology for the past 23 years now, and have read most of the books on this subject that are considered foundational. Many guides to astrology that I page through in a bookstore are fine, but covering information I already know. What I so appreciated about Edington's new book is that she brings a new angle to even the basics of Astrology. Her book feels like a fresh update, more appropriate to our current time in terms of language and sensibility. There are no "evil" aspects or transits in Edington's view, no dark warnings of disaster; her evolutionary perspective encourages us to see the opportunity in even the most challenging times, what can be learned, what can be accomplished. As she says in her book, she doesn't look at the natal chart as something fixed, unchanging, rather a "blueprint rich in meaning and possibility."

I also admired Edington's extensive knowledge of the stories behind the names and symbology used in Astrology: sharing her interpretations of them, how they are useful, how they can be limiting. Concepts I thought I already understood have been unpacked in greater depth by the author, so that I see deeper layers.

This text is beautifully written, well-organized, offering a fresh update, as well as a deeper dive than many astrology texts. This book is an invaluable resource I'll be returning to, and consulting, with appreciation.

Moon Spells: How to Use the Phases of the Moon to Get What You Want by Diane Ahlquist - $11.35 (Paperback): This book is a bit older fashioned in the sense that it's VERY heteronormative, we're talking about love magick SPECIFICALLY for men and all about being a father, and a section of love magick SPECIFICALLY for women and being a mother. So if this gets on your nerves, then i wouldn't recommend this book. Other than that, the reviews are very good and they describe the book as being a must-have for lunar witches.

The Complete Book of Moon Spells by Michael Herkes - $13.49 (Paperback): Yes, this book was written by a man. If that's something that might make you not want to purchase, please look at this and also keep in mind that SO MANY of the most highly esteemed witches of the world ARE MEN. So if you wanna be closed off and refuse their help and their knowledge, go ahead sis, I'm not stopping you.

He's most definitely not just "some guy". Aside from that, this book has very good reviews. Some people called it "fluffy" and a bit less serious then they anticipated, but it's very good for beginner witches who are finally wanting to start doing spells. Here's a review.

In this book you explore ways to conjure the mysterious power of the moon to manifest your intentions to achieve abundance and balance in your life! Each chapter is devoted to one of the eight phases of the moon and includes various spells, tarot spreads, crystal grids and potions that reflect that phase of the moon!

This is an overall amazing book if you want to build a foundation of learning about the history of the moon, astrology, cycles & phases, ritual tools, crystals, herbs, and essential oils- as well as the moon spells and rituals.

This is one of my new favorite books! I feel so connected to the moon and this book is a great reference for learning the best rituals and spells to use for the different moon phases and energies surrounding them! It’s easy to follow and the lunar rituals, mystical spells and magical drinks are so vibrant, creative and helpful in my spiritual journey. I’d recommend this book to anyone that loves the moon like I do.

Moon Magic: A Handbooks of Lunar Cycles, Lore, and Mystical Energies by Aurora Kane - $19.99 (Hardcover, although there's only three left when I'm looking at it) $9.99 (Kindle):

One review said that the book much surpassed their expectations, and another review said this:

I absolutely adore this book.

If you're just a beginner and want to understand the different moon phases, this is the book to get.

The information inside was extremely helpful without being overly complicated.

Well worth the money spent.

Astrology: Using the Wisdom of the Stars in Your Everyday Life by DK - $14.59 (Hardcover):

I saw this in store and was immediately drawn to it's beautiful and shiny cover! But when I open it, the inside is just as beautiful! I love looking through the pages. I would say it is a very good basic astrology book, but I have another one that gives much more detail. I like this one for more of a quick reference kind of book. It's more of a bullet point style book, where it gives little tidbits instead of paragraphs going in depth. (Though some pages do have paragraphs) BUT, it covers just about everything including all the houses, moon signs, and ascending signs. It covers everything, but it just covers he tip of the iceberg. (In my opinion) I still absolutely recommend it!

Apparently this book is also available in Barnes and Noble, so if you have access to one, you might wanna look there for the book before purchasing off of Amazon :)

Misc Books (General):

The Spell Book for New Witches: Essential Spells to Change Your Life by Ambrosia Hawthorn - $10.19 (Paperback) $20.69 (Hardcover):

This book... It's a very good spell book, and is true in the spells it contains, but MY biggest problem with it is that it's V E R Y Wiccan, and seems almost preachy about the "Threefold Law" and what they like to call "karma". Choosing not to do dark magick is PERFECTLY FINE and being Wiccan is totally okay! But don't be like Christianity and rub it in people's faces, dude. The book talks about how you can ONLY practice "love and light". Other than that, this book is AMAZING and rated literally 5 stars with over 11K reviews. If you lean more Wiccan, by ALL means, buy this spellbook. It's the one for you.

Practical Magic for Beginners by Maggie Haseman - $13.49 (Paperback)

This book is fantastic for the witch who wants to learn more about her craft but doesn't know where to start. Each subject is broken down into easy to absorb bits of wisdom without being overwhelming. A great jumping off place to decide where to dive in deep next.

This book is very comprehensive, and is a great reference guide for beginner witches, or witches looking to add another book to their collection.

Candle Magic For Beginners by Mystic Dylan - $10.86 (Paperback) $21.99 (Spiral bound)

This book is a must have for anyone looking to deepen their connection with the magical element of fire, ritual, and spell work through candle magic! Dylan not only teaches you how to use candle magic for things such as protection, abundance, love, healing, and more, but takes you through the fascinating history of the power of fire & how to properly charge, cleanse, and consecrate your candles to begin manifesting your deepest desires!!! Overall, the book is beautifully written with gorgeous illustration and will hook you from the start!!!!!!!

This book is perfect for beginners to candle magick, or beginners to the craft in general. I personally LOVE candle magic because I've always been attracted to fire. I could void out and just stare at a flame for hours on end lol

Crystals for Beginners by Karen Frazier - $8.99 (Paperback) $20.95 (Spiral bound)

Absolutely love this book!! It’s so informative! I am a beginner and this book explains a lot. Everything a beginner would need to know about crystals is in this book. I am so pleased with it. Best purchase of the week! Definitely worth it. The author explains crystals, chakras and energy so enthusiastically and in a way that is easy to understand. At the end of the book, is a “resources” page with all the websites, books and apps that the Author recommends.

Again, very beginner friendly, but this time it's not spells, it's crystals and such. I've personally been wanting this book for AGES

The Crystal Bible Series by Judy Hall - $38.99 (Volume 1-3 shrink-wrapped set, paperback):

This is my first purchase of the three-part series by Judy Hall. Volume 1 covers over 200 crystals! I can already tell you I'll be purchasing volumes 2 and 3 (each of which cover 200+ MORE crystals/stones, not included in volume 1) I love how each crystal description includes photos to further help in identification. I also appreciate that rarity and sources were included. Information about the spiritual and physical impacts of crystals on the body is in there as well! This book is loaded with a lot of great information and is the perfect quick reference. It's also small and fits easily in my hand. I highly recommend it for beginners.

This is a review from just the first book, and it's from a verified hauler/buyer :)) these aren't exactly newbie friendly, and some people say they're a bit harder to understand.

[yoursinfulurges]

Toxin and Venom

Slight Dark!Peter Parker x Dark!Reader

Description:

In which a seemingly loving relationship appears greater than it is...

There was something rather terrible about this young man's naive exterior. Though nobody could pinpoint where exactly the dreadfulness laid. His eyes shined a little too brightly, and his words were coated in thick sugar, enough to appear disingenuous to the skillfully trained ears. But there hidden behind is smile concealed the sinister morals of a true manipulator.

Oh' but she was no better herself, twisting words to favour her narrative. Playing as if she was nothing more than a meek little prey.

Warnings: pure angst with an underlining layer of toxicity.

Disclaimer: This is a REWRITE of one of my old stories dated back to a year ago, so if it sounds familiar that is why. This story was originally written for Jung Jaehyun from NCT but seeing as though I've fallen out of love with kpop at the moment, I wanted to repurpose it for my new followers that I've harbored since The Venom Within, as I'm very proud of the way it was written and concluded that I wanted to share with you all. I did improve and change quite a lot so you won't be reading the exact same story and I decided to add a twist to it.

Note: This is more so a college au so the fact that Peter is Spiderman is insignificant...

Word Count: 4.k

_____________

Your boyfriend, Peter, had always been the most kind and caring person you knew. Ever since you met him, and even after months of dating, he still acted like the bashful, kind Disney prince you took him for. Only treating you with nothing but respect and admiration; you often wondered if this boy was even capable of making an insult, or had a bad bone in his body. Fore he acts way too nice and sweet for his own good. Controlling at times but it was with all good intentions...

Originally, you thought the kind gestures and lovely sweet talking was his way of subtly flirting, but after years of dating him, you came to the realization that it was just simply him. Peter didn't need to pretend to be kind and sweet like other guys; given that it was like second nature for him. You loved the boy to death. He showered you with so much love, spoiled you with affection. Treated you like his queen; His shining jewel. Out of the two years that you'd been together, not once has he wronged you.

    That is, up until this exact moment...

You stand there in the middle of the kitchen, tears streaming down your cheeks. At this point you had stopped listening to what he was saying. In fear that if you continued to listen to his harsh words, more of your love would begin to fleet away, and you couldn't afford to lose any more. Despite of all your excessive yelling, you loved Peter. And he meant so much to you. But seeing him in this state, angry and hostile, attacking you viciously with his words, you began to question your future with him.

You couldn't quite fathom what brought on this newfound aggression in your relationship. Though, you had a slight seeking suspicion that it was from all the post-exam stress you both had to endure. Weeks upon weeks of studying and sleepless nights finally took its toll on the both of you. Thus bringing you to this exact moment in time. The once loving home corrupted by the harsh spoken words that fell from both of your lips. Anger and aggression filling the room, space welcoming the negativity with open arms. You had both tainted it...

That was not the boy you fell in love with, but instead somebody meaner, a-kind to venom...

Then again, you weren't a saint yourself either, words you wouldn't have ever thought of saying spilled out of your mouth like toxin. You needed to do something fast to mend your relationship back together...

The mere thought of breaking up with the man hurts you so dearly. You just wanted your loving boyfriend back from what ever abyss he dissapeared off to. Typically your fights never lasted this long, but this one proved to be quite challenging. You just wanted him to stop yelling. But in fear of the unthinkable outcome of your protest, you kept shut and held onto the remaining pieces of your heart. You knew for a fact that Peter would never dear to lay a hand on you, so you tried very desperately to push those thoughts aside. However, his following statements made both tasks very difficult. It was as if he was challenging your composure. Like he wanted the flood gates broken.

Like he wanted you to cave in to the malicious voice whispering in your ear...

His words could've very well be from all the stress, ..or pent up insults and remarks that he'd been silently keeping in. You had no way of telling. You prayed and hoped that it was the first one rather than the assuming latter. Because maybe then, you would consider forgiving him. Even though the words punctured you like bullets, penetrating your inner layers and hurting you in more ways than one. This was not your Peter... You questioned the morals behind his words, were they intended to hurt you, or was it just in the heat of the moment. Regardless, you knew that his words would be something that lingered on forever in your head.

"I don't even know why I stayed this long with you, honestly! What do I even see in you! Stop being so unreasonable! You're easily replaceable, so i don't see why you're acting so high and mighty. News flash y/n, i could do a lot better!"

         And there it was...

His current state and demeanor rivalled that of which the one you used to know. The soft spoken, kind, sweet, shy Peter. The one that still plays with legos despite being nineteen years old. You'd give anything to have him back...

You always knew that Peter could do better, but hearing this from him was a lot different than you saying it to yourself in your head. Before you had started dating you knew he had a chance with Michelle. She was a very pretty girl that went to your university, she was also Peter's chem partner... Michelle was nice, smart, and talented. You were very aware of the little 'thing' they had going on. So to your surprise, when you heard rumors of a certain Peter Parker, looking to ask you out, you almost didn't believe. Hell, you laughed straight into Brad's face and told him he was delusional. If only a hesitant, blush faced Peter wasn't stood right behind you to prove you wrong.

Ever since that day, you questioned Peter's choice. Why did he choose you, when he could've had a chance with Michelle? Someone he was more compatible with... You figured that he saw something special in you that nobody else did. Though, his previous statement proves you wrong and tells you that he doesn't even know why he gave you a chance. You're at a drift, not knowing where this relationship is headed, or where to stand. Knowing that you were replaceable to Peter weakens you. Were you really that insignificant to him? Were you a chore to be around? If so then why did he stay for two years? All these questions ran through your mind as you're frozen in a state of shock. How do you follow such a thing?

You stand silently, wails threatening to break free from your lips, as you shake. Instantly covering your mouth with your palm. You watch as he screamed at you more, words blocked out by the ringing in your ears. Truthfully, you were glad you couldn't hear his words, not knowing how to reciprocate to any more of his personal attacks.

The familiar feeling of despair began to conjure in the pit of your stomach. The tightness in your chest began to focus on your beating heart, constricting you like a boa preying on its meal. Everything around you became a hazy blur as the non stop ringing became more prominent. The cause being your angry boyfriend and his heart-wrenching words. Jolts of anxiety began to climb up from your figure tips, like a thousand spiders crawling on your skin. A feeling you know all too well crept up from behind you. You were beginning to feel frantic and scared, as your breathing became unstable.

You were becoming erratic, desperate to end the fight and be in his arms again.

"What!? Huh, not gonna clap back with some snarky remark. Admit it, you know im right!"

Peter's face was a striking shade of scarlet while he paced back and forth, hands finding themselves tangled in his hair as he mumbled inaudible words. His hair, you remember running your hands through his curly, brown locks this morning when you woke up. Oh, how happy and blissful you both were twelve hours prior to this moment. You both were so content and hopeful with the prospect of your relationship. Being able to finally spend time with each other after a stressful week. Originally, you had planned a date night with Peter. But things began to make a turn for the worse when he began to insult every little thing you did. Now here you were, an hour and forty-five minutes late for your reservations.

A taste for bitterness began to fill your mouth, as your insides churned. Waves of sadness and despair hit you like a tsunami. You suddenly couldn't stand the thought of staying in the same room as Peter. Let alone sleeping in one. Fore his words had impacted you like an arrow through the heart. You felt sick, disgusted, vulnerable, and above all else, hurt.

"God, you're such a fucking bitch sometimes!" Peter spat, but soon after stopped, noticing your sudden change in demeanor. Your once, fuming and aggressive facade was replaced with a much more subdued, fragile, hurt exterior, mirroring how you felt inside. You had given up. The bandage that held your heart together snapped.

You looked up at him, hurt written all over your face. Instantly, Peter rushed your way. He wanted to wrap his arms around you, apologize for calling you a bitch. But stopped when you held your hand out and shook your head, a sob erupting from your mouth. Suddenly, all the hurtful things Peter said rang through his own head.

Oh...

Shit!

"Baby, I-" He started, not knowing how to follow. His mouth suddenly became dry, letting out a sigh of regret. Voice coming out weak and pained. His chest tightening at the sight of what he has done to you. No no no no no no.... Peter knew you weren't the type to forgive and forget. Even if you both manage to somehow recover from this, he knew that his words would always be in your head. You would constantly doubt yourself and his transparency, thinking if it was all an act.

Regret began to eat away at him once again when he noticed your uneven breathing. Another punch in his gut when he took note of your shaking. Peter's eyes quickly darted to yours, his heart breaking when he saw the amount of fear in them. He was uncertain if you were scared of him or your emotions. He wanted it to be the second one. Peter never wanted you to see him in that light. Yet here you were, having an anxiety attack because of him...

He knew that feeling all too well, having suffered from anxiety of his own, but the fact that he was the one to force you into that state shattered him..

"Don't call me that...." You spat coldy, backing away slowly into your shared bedroom. Making sure he didn't follow and locking the door. Once in the cozy room, you sob like la llorona conveying grief. You couldn't bear to see all the happy pictures of you two, when he said so himself, you're nothing special to him. Without thinking, you began to rip off every Polaroid, framed pictures, and drawings from the walls. Not caring of ripping them. You threw them all on the floor. Your vision becoming clouded by tears as you sob. Ruining the white fabric of your oversized sweater with your makeup contaminated tears.

Your body halts, the last remaining picture was of the both of you on your first date. You always considered that day as the happiest moment of your life. But now knowing that you're just a pit stop in Peter's life, the memory manifests into something much darker than obsidian.

You inhale as you looked at the picture one more time. It was you kissing Peter on the cheek. He donned a beautiful cheshire smile, his freckles displaying proudly under the sunlight. He wore a red, hooded sweatshirt with his hero, Iron man's logo depicted on the top right corner. You always love it when he wore sweaters, especially that one. You remembered every emotion you felt as the picture was being taken. Even if you didn't, your expression held it all. You radiated happiness as the butterflies in your stomach became restless. You were so happy...

You sob lightly, your thumb caressing his face as you looked fondly at the picture. Suddenly, words that fell from his mouth earlier replayed in your head. He had purposely attacked your deepest insecurities. Jabbed and taunted you. The Peter you knew would never result to something so cruel and petty. Without putting much thought into it, you began to take the picture out of its frame.

Your ears perking up when you hear the familiar sound of the lock being picked. The jiggling of the doorknob was something you grew accustomed to. Having locked yourselves out of the bedroom on more than one occasion....

Taking one final breath, you rip the picture in two and retreated into the master bathroom. Once the door was slammed shut and locked, all hell broke loose. As if it couldn't have gotten worse alright. Your wails grew louder and more repetitive that you were being to sound like a banshee, mourning for her decaying heart. Eventually, you found yourself curled up in the bathtub, suppressing your cries into your knees as you lowered your head.

Peter finally succeeds in picking the lock, after what seemed like hours, and once he creaked opened the door of your shared bedroom, his heart broke in two. Parts of him began to deteriorate, he wished he had never said those hurtful things. He felt numb and out of touch with reality, sensing his anxiety looming over his shoulder. Peter knew that one of your biggest insecurities was never meaning much to somebody. And that weren't fond of feeling worthless and neglected. He knew your background and upbringing well enough to know just how much you disliked being treated as such.

All he wanted to do was hold you in his arms and kiss your tears away. A pool of sadness brimmed his eyes as he evaluates the damage. From one corner of the room to the other, pictures were left scattered and discarded. The framed drawings of him that you illustrated, sat on the floor of your bedroom, frame cracked and shattered. The Polaroids he held ever so dearly to his heart, littered the bed and floor. He broke down in tears when he sees the torn picture of you both.

How could you vandalize such a treasured memory. But then again, how could he hurt the most precious thing in his life. Seeing the picture ripped apart like this, he knew that somehow he affected your perspective on this whole relationship. His previous words had tainted such beloved memories, and twisted them to seem like nothing more than a one-sided love. He made you question whether he truly loved you or not. Suddenly the realization kicked in, and it kicked in hard. A tsunami of guilt and regret pierced through is heart. His insides churned and it suddenly became very hard to breathe. He suddenly became really aware of how dire this situation was. His following actions may break your relationship if he didn't act wisely.

Peter bends down to hold your piece of the puzzle, a river flow of heart ache cascading down his cheeks, wetting the captured image of you. Your sobs, which had begun to sound like cries of help, due to lack of air, rang threw Peter's ears. Suddenly he grew extremely concerned and rushed to the door, dropping your image.

Immediately, you stop when you heard soft knocks coming from the other end of the door, which was soon followed by cries and sniffling sounds.

"Baby, open the door!" You don't comply with his words and stayed seated in your place, hugging your knees tighter.

"W-what are you gonna do if i don't? Pick the lock and violate my privacy! Just go away P-peter! W-why don't you go find another girl to replace me, because apparently, i-i mean nothing to you!" Screaming at the inanimate door, or more so the person behind it, as you let out a cut short wail. You hated yourself for how weak and broken you sounded. Wishing, you could drown out his stupid words that had already engraved itself deep in your brain.

"Y-you said s-so yourself! I'm easily replaceable! I-if i had known that this relationship was just gonna be one sided then i would've never wasted my time!" Apparent in your tone and words how truly distraught you were, Peter cried harder, cold sweats engulfing his body. He winced at the thought of how broken you were. It only lead him to wonder, what exactly happened and what brought on this fight. Sounding more so a statement rather than a question in his head.

He parted his lips softly, a small whimpering sigh rolling off his tongue.

"Please y/n, just open the door. I-i just want to see you. Please... I-I need to know that you're okay...." his words laced with mixed emotions, such as sorrow and remorse. Despite his current emotional state, Peter's stature looked anything else but composed. God, he was freaking out..

Incoherently mumbling a soft 'please' as he laid his forehead onto the wood door. His hand resting above his head, fist balled tightly, as if ready to start pounding. He was desperate, eyes screwing shut tightly causing a flow of tears to glide down his cheeks. Peter's jaw clenched tightly in frustration, as he beat himself over and over again for saying such things.

After much hesitance, you stood up and made your way to the door. Peter hears the small shuffle and quickly straightens himself out. After seconds of hovering your hand over the knob, you twist it open, instantly unlocking itself and setting free all the pent up emotions. You crack open the door, almost immediately, Peter rushes in and hugs you.

You don't return the hug, silently stiffening in his arms. At that moment, the last few bits of composure you had built back up snaps loose. You become a crying mess in Peter's arms. Feelings of unmeasurable sadness cascade down your cheeks, onto his black long sleeve shirt. You try and push him away, but fail due to his strength. His muscular arms constricting you as if you would fade away.

"Listen to me please." He says softly, tears lightly streaming down his cheeks, though, not to the caliber of yours.

You sniffle lightly, thrashing in his arms. Though, it was no use, his hold was so secure that no amount of resistance would break you free. So, you could do nothing else but endure what he has to say.

"I'm sorry-

Sorry doesn't fix anything Peter, it's just a word!" The teary-eyed male hissed at your words. The amount of hurt and venom your tone held was enough to make his jaw clench and his hold to tighten.

"I know it doesn't, but it's a start. L-look, i didn't mean to say that. I don't know what came over me, or what caused me to say those things. But what i do know is that they were a hundred percent untrue. And i want you to know that..." He pauses briefly to wipe away your tears with his thumb. Dipping his head into the crook of your neck. He took in your floral scent, hoping it would help him regain composure. You feel a tug on your heart at how utterly hurt and small he sounded.

"I love you with all my heart, and that you are the most unique girl I've ever met... If anything i don't know how i even managed to get a girlfriend as beautiful and amazing as you..... Wanna know why I'm with you?" You nod lightly into his chest. His hold readjust itself as he lays his head above yours. Almost content with your slight gesture, but he needed to be sure you were happy.

"It's because you accept me for who i am. You don't pressure me to be perfect all the time, you welcome my flaws with open arms; don't expect anything from me and shower me with so much love everyday... I want you to know that i could never replace you, not that i would ever want to. How did i ever get so lucky... Please y/n, you are one of the most important people in my life.... I-i can't loose you too..." Peter couldn't fathom a future with out you in it. He grew frantic, thinking that this day could be the last together. And that there would be a slight chance that you didn't want to forgive him again. He couldn't let that happen...

"Please say something...." He sighed whilst tears brimmed his eyes, taking your tightening hold on his shirt to keep moving forward.

"Do you remember when we first started dating, that night i texted you that i was frustrated and my anxiety was acting up... And you came over in a heart beat, even though you lived fifteen minutes away... Y-you told me to let it all out, and i cried in your arms for an hour, complaining about everything. I felt so ashamed for crying in front of you, but you told me that i was so brave for accepting my feelings... I know what i said must've hurt you a lot, but I'll do better... I'm sorry for triggering you like that." Peter's tone was barely above whisper, and if he hadn't have said it directly above your ear, you would've missed it. There he was... your Peter....

You thought back to the said memory and smiled fondly, that was the night you both realized that you wanted a more serious title on your relationship. Finally labeling each other as boyfriend and girlfriend. You thought back to all the happy memories you both shared and confirmed that a silly little fight wouldn't get the best of you. Yes, his words might've hurt, but his actions now out ways all of his petty insults. You give into your flourishing heart and forgive him.

Backing away from his chest lightly, you look up at him, gasping slightly at his blood shot eyes. You hesitatly reach up to cup both of his cheeks. Wiping away the remaining tears that streamed down his face. He smiled lightly and leaned into your touch, taking one of your hands in his and place a soft, delicate kiss on it.

"We'll be okay...." You smiled at his comforting words before planting a passionate, loving kiss on his lips. Peter smiled lightly before taking your wrist on his hold and guiding them to wrap around his neck. He deepens the kiss and pulls you closer by your waist.

It was then that he realized that he wanted you to be the only women in his life. And that he wanted nobody else. Suddenly feeling an overly compelling urge in his heart to make up for his actions overcomes him. He was determined to trap you in his web of love again. He couldn't loose you too...

You smile in content, 

          portraying the victim always worked...

'Indeed, we'll be just fine.....'

Perhaps they were both awful people, fooling each other with the reality they both created. But it was done with the intent of love, sick twisted love... He was possessive and she was insecure. And together they were toxin and venom... God forbid anything that tries to get in between them...

_____________

End Note:

For those that don't understand, take notice in Peter's words and how drastically different they are from when he was mad to when he was apologizing. Sweet at first glance but if you really dig deep you'd notice how sugar coated everything seemed, like he's saying what you want to hear. And as for the Reader, I purposely left out how much she contributed to the fight in the beginning to make it seem as though she was the victim, when in reality she was also at fault. The anxiety aspect of this story was very much 'real' since I described what it felt like for me and I wanted her to suffer from anxiety yet have something be a little off. Now, I'm not claiming that the bedroom part was a whole scene to feed her victim persona, but that's up to how you want to view it. This story is subjective and can be taken however way you want to.

[positivityplaypen]

I hope that today finds you well.

This post is a little personal blurb about something that I discovered recently.

My therapist is treating me for generalized anxiety disorder, or GAD for short. It wasn't until fairly recently that I decided to look up this disorder again after initially looking it up.

Why? Well, I've been feeling more tired lately than usual. And yeah, fatigue is one of the symptoms, which makes sense. That isn't what surprised me though. If you want to read what I read, look here before reading more of my thoughts.

If you read the additional info about children and teens that excessively worry: this is what surprised me. As a child I worried about being on time constantly! To the point where, if I knew that I was going to be late for school, I didn't want to go, out of the fear and embarrassment of being late.

School performance felt equally intense. When it came to homework I had to do it perfectly and I had to have every answer right. Otherwise I wouldn't even turn it in. Certainly this created a dilemma that added to my worries about getting good grades. I needed the approval of my parents and teachers because otherwise I feared that no one would care about me. I wasn't very confident around my classmates and felt like something was different about me in a negative way. I felt this way despite being treated relatively nice by people.

Prior to reading this article, I was stumped about my past. I considered my childhood to be rather normal aside from a few unfortunate occurrences that I've worked through. Part of me couldn't see how I really had a disorder of any kind despite my symptoms as an adult. Up until recently when I found this article and came to terms with it. I feel like my diagnosis is less of a mystery now and that it's one less thing to focus on in the past. After all, it's difficult to remain in the moment when our thoughts are in the past or in the future. Those worries and thoughts can affect the present too, which can dampen any positive mood we might be feeling in the present.

In closing, I just want to remind you that you are a valid person with valid feelings, even if you're not sure who you are or what your feelings are. Its my deepest hope that you take care of yourself and that you know that your efforts are more than enough. You are more than enough.

[liaswritesrobots]

Time to review The Brave Fighter of Sun Fighbird!

I wanna say first off that this is the second Brave Series show I've seen and while I did enjoy and love this one I felt it was a little bit lacking compared to the previous show. With that in mind I'll start off with the negatives.

Cons:

Draias. Normally I'm all for the villains, but Draias kind of bored me? Like he doesn't really do anything until the end. Dino Geist was a way cooler big bad imo. His design is cool though I'll give him that point.

Hero designs when combined. This show did way better with making them stand out when separated but my God when they combine? I sometimes couldn't tell Fighbird and Guardion apart.

The evil Doctor. I can't even remember his name but he was just pointless and annoying.

Guard Wing comes in late. I feel like they should have introduced him sooner, as he could have livened things up much earlier.

Flashing lights. Obviously this bad for epilepsy but even if you aren't epileptic it can still make it hard to tell what's going on sometimes.

Baron's Team. I think it kinda sucked that Ace Baron was the only true sentient robot on the Baron Team and the rest were pretty much drones. Especially since they had cool designs and modes that could have brought some more unique personalities to the team.

Racism?? Idk but the way they handled that South American tribe and Momo calling the leader's attempt to help heal wounded people bogus felt kind of iffy to me? I'm not fully Native myself so idk what to make of it but it was rather uncomfortable. Also the whole "Draias making slaves out of everyone" was uncomfortable as well.

Pros:

Human designs. Everyone stands out! Even the bland looking characters like Boss and Goro. He'll Katori was kinda bland in the looks department but I see that as a positive cause it's cool to have a pretty average looking hero for once!

Robot designs. When they weren't combined everyone stood out well!

Ace Baron.

Shura and Zol. I thought them being androids like Katori was pretty cool, and they were actually pretty badass.

Katori doesn't end up with anyone I the end. As much as I like Katori/Yoshiko, he had like 2 love interests but did not end up with either, which is pretty cool imo because it leaves space to interpret him how ever you want. If you want him with Yoshiko? He's with Yoshiko. If you want him with Momo? He's with Momo. If you see him as AroAce? He's AroAce and just stays friends with both. It's nice.

Satsuda's character growth. Satsuda had an amazing character arc! I started off hating the guy but by the end he's a loveable part of the team! His growth from annoying detective to comic relief to an actual noble man was great imo.

The fact that the robots revealed themselves to their partners. I loved seeing Guard Rescue and Guard Star finally reveal themselves to Yoshiko and Satsuda. Also the fact that they revealed themselves to basically the whole world, love that!

Katori came back. Now as much as I would have loved for all of them to come back, Katori was the main one I wanted to stay on earth. After Brave Exkaiser's ending this was a happy and refreshing one to see the hero actually come back to live on Earth.

All in all, I would recommend the series (be cautious of some of the cons though), especially if you like robot or mech animes!

[thoradvice]

hey thor, idk how to word this but lately I've been feeling that "I don't fit in" or I'm simply far away from everything. I feel like I don't know where I belong. I don't feel like I fit with my own friends. I never bring it up with anyone because it doesn't really make sense from an exterior point of view, you know? It doesn't look like I have any reasons to feel like this, but it won't go away. any advice on how to deal with this? thank you.

hi, anon. i’m sorry you’re dealing with this. i used to feel like this constantly, and it really is awful.

i want you to know that your feelings are valid and that they do make sense. but also they don’t have to make sense to be real. it’s absolutely okay to feel things that you don’t understand; it doesn’t make them wrong or bad. please know that this feeling will pass. everything negative you’re experiencing right now truly isn’t forever, as cliche as that sounds. you will find people that you know are yours, and you’ll be so loved that you’ll forget you ever felt like this. as far away as it seems now, i promise that it’ll happen. 

as i said, i felt like this a lot, for most of my life. i didn’t really make a friend until i was 11, and then we went to different schools at the end of the year, so i was alone again. it got a lot worse between 12-14 because i developed several mental illnesses too and i tended to have bad friends, rather than no friends. it took me a really long time to get over this - fifteen years, basically, to even start. it’s only recently (i’m seventeen at the end of this year) that i do genuinely feel loved and like i belong. i have wonderful friends & a lovely girlfriend, and it’s mostly thanks to them (+ some growth on my part) that i have gotten over this.

my point is that it’s not going to be easy and it will take a lot of effort, but it will be worth it. i’d recommend looking into cognitive-behavioural therapy, if you haven’t already. it’s most effective with a therapist, but it is possible to perform it on yourself. you basically train yourself and your brain to think differently and therefore eventually move past these negative thoughts. i had therapy before ms rona for anxiety from my school (real therapists are very hard to access for teenagers where i live, but my school is thankfully very good wrt mental health + has helped me a lot w/ accessing what i can) and we touched on this. i was able to apply this to this kind of thinking. it does take a long time to work through, and i’m definitely not “cured” of this way of thinking, but i do genuinely feel a lot different.

i’d also suggest taking a step back and looking at your friendgroup. do these people make you feel good? do they go too far with jokes? do you feel like you can talk to these people? i’ve had quite a few bad friends in my life, and it’s surprising how much of a difference the people you’re around makes to your mental state, especially with feeling things like this. it can be more subtle than you think. my ex girlfriend (+ she was my best friend for a while before we dated too) would usually be fairly nice / pleasant, but a lot of the time she’d be the opposite. she had moments where she’d completely ridicule my interests, where she’d talk about how cute another girl was (this is a trigger for my eating disorder, which she absolutely knew), or where she’d guilt me for various things, usually into staying with her. i didn’t think too much of it, because she was nice most of the time, right? what i’m trying to say is a lot of our friends’ behaviours that make us feel bad can also be very subtle. my ex would also be the kind of person to completely tear into a person - usually me - and wouldn’t know when to stop. she’d blow it off with “oh, that’s just my sense of humour!”. but if there isn’t a clear line / boundary, then it’s not joking - it’s straight up bullying. one of my best friends now has this kind of humour. but the difference is that i know she’s joking. she’s asked me a handful of times to tell her when it actually hurts me, what she can and cannot joke about. that’s the difference, in this type of friendship.

it can be really hard to know where friends / partners become abusive, and it’s only recently that i’ve realised the things my ex said / did was actually abusive. minor abuse, but still screwed up with my perception of healthy relationships. what i’m meaning by this entire wall of text is that your friends could be hurting you without you actually realising it, causing you to feel this way. i’d really recommend trying to keep track of your mood around when you interact with friends - how you feel before, during and after. and keeping track of how they talk to you. do they care about what you’re saying? do their jokes make you uncomfortable? do they let you talk? do they care about your problem(s)?genuine friends will truly care about you and how they treat you. it’ll quickly become more apparent to if they’re being good friends to you or not. 

if you feel like they’re not treating you right, it’s absolutely okay and valid to stop being friends with them. it can be hard and make you feel guilty, but putting yourself first is never a bad idea in these situations. it doesn’t make you selfish or cruel, no matter what you say. i feel that it’s better to have no/few friends than bad friends. i have a small circle of about 4-5 people right now, and they’re absolutely the best friends i could ever ask for. there’s no way i’d trade them for the world, let alone just a bigger group of friends, y’know? 

this is a feeling that’s really hard to get over. i have really struggled with feeling like i fit in for so long, but you can get over it. if you need proof, i can be that. it’s not something i’m fully over, but i do genuinely feel loved and cared about for the first time pretty much ever. you will be able to feel like this too, i promise. i’m proud of you for reaching out about this issue, i know it isn’t easy to talk about. i hope that my rambling will offer you some kind of comfort / help, and i’m always here if you need to talk about this again. <3

[jaehyunsuh]

trust

—pairing: idol! Taeyong x reader

—genre: au/ fluff/ boyfriend! Taeyong

—words count: + 1k

summary: for a long time you have felt pretty lonely and sad, yes you have friends and stuff but they always are making comments that make you feel upset or uncomfortable and sometimes they don't even seem to care about what you think or say. In university some people are really nice but the majority just use you since you are so kind to everyone, you don't want to change your personality since you know it's better to help people and be nice rather then treat them like sh*t. You just need a friend, someone you can trust and tell your problems to, hopefully you will find it soon. You could talk to your boyfriend Taeyong but he is already so stressed with his idol life, that is enough to him.

today you were able to get out early from your job so you decide to walk home, so like that you can explore the city, look at the the people, breathe fresh air and clear your mind a bit. You usually take a taxi or something because you are tired but it's 4pm and the weather it's nice so it seems like a good day to go for a walk.

lately you have felt pretty lonely, people lately hasn't been the best to you lately, since you are so smart and offer to help people when you say no they start telling you mean stuff and are so stupid, you really don't mind about people's comments or anything but having no one to talk to makes you overthink stuff, by luck you distract yourself cooking, painting and working so like that it doesn't affect your mental health.

Taeyong is the best boyfriend you could ask for but you are used to be the one who gives him advices and makes him feel better since he is constantly under stress, so you decide not to overwhelming with your problems and keep them to yourself.

you walk past a buddhist temple you have seen before but never were curious of walking, you have never been really religious or anything but  today you felt like visiting it, those structures were big, beautiful and amazing, it truly left you impressed. You walk and see some tourists looking outside the place, you are able to see the inside if you are quiet and respectful, so you decide to climb the stairs. You see a boy bowing at the giant Buda figure inside the temple, it was really beautiful and breathtaking, he gets up and walks to the entrance were you are standing. 

"Uhm excuse me." You say reaching to the boy. He looks at you scared and kind flinches. You looked at him confused.

"I'm really curious about this religion and i have never knew anything about it, so would you mind to tell me a little bit about this?." The boy's body relax a little bit looks at you up and down 

"My name is y/n by the way." You extent his hand to him and he shakes it. 

"I'm Daniel." He gives a sweet smile. He tells you to see somewhere around the temple so he can talk better to you.

"Well i don't really consider myself religious but buddhism sees life as a process of constant change, and its practices aim to take advantage of that. It means that one can change for the better."

"Wow, that's really beautiful." You say impressed.

"Yes, it's good! Also they practise meditation, which is a way of developing more positive states of mind that are characterised by calm, concentration, awareness, and emotions. Using the awareness developed in meditation it is possible to have a fuller understanding of oneself, other people, and of life itself." He explains.

"It really sound fascinating, how did you get into it?" You never knew there was a religion that teach such necessary and important things like those.

"Well my parents are buddhists so I've been into it since i was young. Like i said i was never really into it but since I'm 18 I've always need something to keep me mentally stable and help me relax so i started coming here often." He gives a kind smile.

"That's really cool, I'm glad you found something that gives you peace, that's really what i need right now." You sigh.

"Well if you are not into religion you can do yoga, start meditating by yourself or you can talk to me!" He suddenly changes and starts being more open and friendly.

"Thank you, you are so nice. I think ill take all three." You laugh.

you continue to talk about your stuff and you tell him all the things that you have been feeling lately, he gave you some advices here and there about how to distract yourself from those negative thoughts and move on from this toxic people. You feel so thankful that this total stranger it's actually listening to you and being interested in what you have to say. You talked about college, your job, the music you're into and how you how much you love painting and cooking.

"Well, thank you so much for telling me about this, i found it pretty interesting."

you decided to exchange numbers and talk with each other, he said that every time he could go to the buddhist temple he will meet you outside and talk to you and maybe go and eat something. You have been seeing each other for around one month now and it has really helped your mental state, he teach you some breathing excercises that helped your anxiety and tried to meet a couple timed at week to do yoga.

Taeyong's POV

y/n has been kinda weird lately, she doesn't talks or says any important stuff to him anymore, she just talks about college stuff and the netflix show she is watching, also she goes out almost everyday and comes back later at afternoon, so it is making him Taeyong worried if she is seeing someone else. He doesn't want to sound mean or anything but he knows y/n doesn't has friends anymore, just the ones back in her country, but here in Seoul many people has been fake, treat her bad and been fake because she is dating and idol. He tries not to overthink and keep trusting his girlfriend.

"Hey Tae, we need to talk to you." Johnny says.

"Okay?"

"Hyung, y/n has been kinda weird lately she doesn't even wants to talk to us that much." Jaehyun sits down in the couch.

"We all talked and we wanted to tlwt you know that our friends and their friends have seen y/n hanging around with some guy." Taeil says. Taeyong looks shocked and like it's about to cry.

"We didn't believe it until Mark told us what he saw today." Taeil continues.

"What did you saw?" Taeyong takes a deep breath and close his eyes.

"I was walking around the Han River and i saw them sitting around there." Mark says upset. Taeyong close his hands frustrated.

"But look, we aren't saying she is cheating, maybe it's her collage partner or something." Jaehyun says trying to make his friend happy.

"Yes, and when i saw them they weren't holding hands and not even were so close to each other."

"Bro, she loves you and instead of thinking about breaking up ask her if there is something else making her distracted." Yuta pats his friends back. 

Taeyong grabs his jacket and makes his way to y/n's apartment, he calls 3 times and she doesn't picks up which makes him worried since he is thinking about all the things that member said.

Y/n's POV

you are in the living room watching some tv when you hear Taeyong open the door.

"Y/n we need to talk." He looks like he was crying and you wonder what happened to him.

"Yes, what happened babe?." 

"Y/n, you don't love me anymore? Are you cheating on me?" He ask straight up.

"No, Taeyong, what the hell? How could i ever cheat on you. You are the person i love the most." You say slightly frustrated.

"Some people are talking about you hanging out with another guy and even Mark saw you with him the other day, and the fact that you have been so quiet and don't even talk to me that much anymore, so i think I'm convinced it may be truth." He sits down and takes a deep breath trying not to look at you. Your heart breaks at seeing him like this, you know the truth and if you tell him he is gonna still feel upset.

"Taeyong listen to me, this guy is a buddhist, a met him the other day when i walked around the temple, he explained me that it helps you relax and control your emotions, i told him that i was going through a tought time and he decide to help me. He teach me how to meditate, breathing exercises and we do yoga almost every afternoon. It has helped me a lot with my stress. And that's it, he is just a friend, there is not any other relationship between us and if you want to talk to him or something I'm sire you would be more convinced." You say while holding his hands.

"And why didn't you told me about this?" He looks at you sad.

"I love you more than anything else in the world, you known i can help you and that you can talk to me about anything." He looks at you.

"Tae i know, but I'm always the strong one that is comforting you, making you feel okay and helping you. I know you have been through a lot lately and i didn't wanted to bother you with my problems while you have your owns. I'm sorry." You look at the the floor disappointed at yourself.

he grabs your lower back and pulls you into a kiss. You feel safe and peaceful again in between his arms and lips. He kisses you softly making your feel better than before and taking all your worries away. 

"You can always trust me, okay?" Taeyong kisses your forehead.

"From now on, let's promise to trust each other anytime, and talk about every single thing that is bothering us. We are stronger together."

"I love you." You hug him.

"I love you too." He leaves another kiss on your forehead.

[spicycreativity]

Soft-Shoe Shuffle - Ch 10

Chapter: 10/12 Additional Notes: See Ch 1 for more information. Read on AO3 under "WizardGlick." Any formatting/italics errors are holdovers from AO3 that I was too lazy to fix. Chapter Content Warnings: N/A; ask to tag Excerpt: "I'm the scary one," Remus muttered in Janus' ear. "Not you. So don't ever scare me like that again, okay?" Janus considered the humor-to-consequences ratio of falling limp in Remus' arms and decided it wouldn't be worth it. "I won't."

If it all falls down, falls down, falls down

I can warm a crowd, I can make them shout

I can juggle verbs, adverbs, and nouns

I can make them dance 'til they all fall down

Janus woke up exhausted, which really wasn't fair considering the amount that he'd been sleeping lately.

Someone was stroking his hair, which was nice. Probably Remus. Remus wouldn't care that Janus' hair was stiff with dried sweat and that he hadn't brushed his teeth in who even knew how many days.

He shifted and nuzzled Remus' thigh.

Realization dawned slowly. Remus' nails were longer than this, Remus didn't smell like this, Remus had never sat still like this.

Janus couldn't even bring himself to be embarrassed at the mix-up. He was too tired and sore to really care who was petting his hair like this.

Except that it was probably Patton.

Subconsciously, Janus pulled the teddy bear closer to his chest. It had to be subconscious, because he would never cuddle a stuffed toy on purpose.

Janus opened his eyes.

Patton withdrew his hand like he'd been burned. "I'm sorry," he said, cheeks coloring. "Did I wake you up?"

Janus shook his head. His skin still tingled where Patton had touched him and he wanted it back so badly , but he didn't know how to ask.

"Remus made me promise I'd go get him next time you woke up. Well. Logan made me promise. Remus threatened me. Anyway!" Patton was already halfway to the door.

He was gone before Janus found his voice. "Don't go," Janus whispered to the air.

A moment later, Remus came barreling in with Logan in hot pursuit. Then came Virgil, then Patton again, and finally Roman.

Logan lunged forward to try to catch the back of Remus' shirt, but he was just a split second too late. Janus braced for impact, but Remus only fell on his knees by the bedside and pulled Janus into a tight hug.

"Awww," Patton cooed from the doorway.

"I'm the scary one," Remus muttered in Janus' ear. "Not you. So don't ever scare me like that again, okay?"

Janus considered the humor-to-consequences ratio of falling limp in Remus' arms and decided it wouldn't be worth it. "I won't."

Remus pulled back and made a lewd hand gesture. "Scout's honor?"

Janus manipulated Remus' fingers into the correct position and held his own hand up as well. "Scout's honor."

Remus nodded in apparent satisfaction, so Janus grabbed his shoulder and used it to haul himself upright. Virgil and Patton fidgeted by his desk while Roman leaned against the doorway and Logan hovered behind Remus.

"Well," Janus said, trying to sound better than he felt. "As you can see, I've died. Virgil will handle my estate, so please direct your concerns to him."

"Like I want all your pretentious steampunk crap," Virgil mumbled, looking around at the leather and brass and hardwood.

"It's art deco," Janus and Logan said at the same time, albeit with very different intonation.

Janus squinted at Logan, who seemed to take this as his cue to speak. "You need to eat something."

"Like a dick!" Remus crowed.

Janus sighed, expecting an uproar, but nothing more dramatic than general collective eye-rolling and awkward throat-clearing occurred in response.

Logan carried on, "Something light like chicken broth or dry toast." He cocked an eyebrow, indicating that this was a question.

"Goodness, however shall I choose," Janus said, trying and failing to keep the venom out of his voice. He did better on stage than he did under a microscope, yet here everyone was, studying him. It was all he could do not to squirm.

Patton's voice echoed in his ears suddenly:

He never asks for anything, he just talks around it until you figure it out on your own.

"Could you…" Janus balled both hands into fists. "I want…" He squeezed his eyes shut and expelled a breath through his nose."I just love that you're all in here staring at me. It's not awkward at all. " He fixed his gaze on the ceiling, only just managing to hold back a frustrated curse. Another failure. Another reason for the others to go back to hating him.

"Oh, gosh!" Patton said, but he didn't sound hurt or angry. "We're sorry; it's probably overwhelming to have us all in here at once, huh?"

Janus nodded, not trusting himself to speak. The feeling had grown uncomfortably familiar as of late.

"We'll let Logan look you over," Patton said. He shuffled out of the room after Roman, waving for Virgil to follow him.

Remus winked and wiggled his tongue at Janus. "Have fun playing doctor." He bounded out and shut the door behind him.

"So," Janus said, fidgeting with one of the teddy bear's ears. "He and Roman can stand to be in the same room as each other now?"

"It helps that they were both quite worried about you," Logan said. A pause. "As was I." He preoccupied himself clearing off a space on Janus' nightstand, willing a plate of dry toast into existence, then methodically taking the cap off a bottle of Gatorade and inserting a white bendy straw.

"Plastic straws are killing the sea turtles, you know," Janus said.

Logan looked at him, puzzled. "Rest assured, this one will not and indeed, cannot find its way into the water supply." A moment later he said, "Oh. You were making a joke."

"It's polite to laugh."

"Please excuse my rudeness, then."

Janus smiled. "I think Remus likes you," he said to cut the tension.

Logan tilted his head at the nightstand. "Why?"

Janus took the hint and began pulling the crust off a piece of toast. "I just have a feeling."

"Hm." Logan thinned his lips, but did not press the issue.

"Logan?"

"Yes?"

"What happened? When I was…"

"Incapacitated?"

"Sure."

Logan pushed up his glasses. "You were in a state of delirium for approximately five days. What is the last thing you remember?"

"Clearly? I had a conversation with Patton about… certain choices I had made in regards to Roman." Logan raised an eyebrow but did not interrupt. "It gets hazy after that. You and Patton were in my room, I think. And… I'm not totally sure this happened, but I seem to recall trying to apologize to Roman."

Logan nodded. "You did. Then you fainted in his room, and the ensuing chaos actually led to the temporary resolution of several interpersonal conflicts we had been experiencing."

"Just according to plan," Janus said, steepling his fingers. Logan didn't laugh. "Another joke."

"Please eat your toast."

"Alright, alright." Janus finished picking the crust off one slice and took a hesitant bite.

"Good." Logan nodded in approval. "To further answer your question, Remus has enacted a truce with Patton, Roman, and Virgil. Which essentially means that he agreed to 'tone down' his more distracting behaviors and the others would refrain from, ah…" Logan checked his note cards. "'Getting their strawberry-flavored edible panties in a twist'."

Janus nearly choked on his toast and made a hasty grab for the Gatorade. "How sweet."

"Yes, the sugar content of Blue Cherry Gatorade is regrettably rather high-- Oh. Yes, I suppose it was rather nice of everyone. Virgil also ceased his self-isolation for the sake of seeing you and talked a little about his feelings, as did Roman."

"Hmph." Janus shoved the rest of the toast in his mouth so he wouldn't have to talk. It had been his goal to fix everything, but not quite like this. Not at all like this, actually. He had become another piece on the chessboard, and not even a powerful piece like the queen. No, he was more like a bishop, moving laterally to move forward. And now he had no idea how to get what he wanted.

"Interestingly," Logan said. "I believe it was your involuntary display of vulnerability that led the others to treat each other more gently.

"I get it, I'm the hero," Janus said sourly. Hooray, he'd solved Patton's problems by running around like an idiot. How impressive.

"I was… I was trying to make you feel better."

Janus smiled despite himself. "Thank you. Really."

"Something is bothering you," Logan said. "I can't tell what it is. I had thought you might feel embarrassed, but you are handling matters very calmly, despite the fact that you have a tendency to raise your voice and lash out when agitated or threatened. This leads me to believe you are experiencing a different negative emotion, but I cannot identify what it is or why." Logan paused and cleared his throat, his eyes downcast. "This bothers me because you are my friend."

"I couldn't possibly be tired," Janus snapped, realizing a split second later he'd inadvertently proven Logan's point. "Oh."

Janus sighed and flicked over his metaphorical king, albeit in his own way. "I'm not thinking about all the ways a relationship with Patton could go horribly wrong."

"But you have a relationship with Patton--" Logan's eyes widened. "I see. Are you concerned that your feelings are unrequited?"

"Well, that and the opposite."

"I don't follow."

"Virgil told me that if I break Patton's heart, he'll break me . Literally."

"You're afraid of Virgil ?"

Janus ran his fingers over his temple and took in a breath while he waited for Logan to put the pieces together.

"You're afraid you'll hurt Patton."

"I'm not exactly known for my communication skills."

"Have you tried speaking sincerely instead of hiding your intentions with sarcasm?"

"No , the thought has never crossed my mind."

Logan smiled. "It was a joke."

Janus didn't hiss at him.

Logan continued, "I do think you should try to be honest with Patton."

"Easier said than done."

"But it can be done."

"I'll...think about it." Janus waved a hand to dismiss the topic.

[whatzaoverwatch]

Can I have a scenario of Genji hanzo and mccree with an s/o with ptsd who is trying to deal with past trauma? Like they're more emotional and often wake up multiple times a night and have trouble going back to sleep. I've been trying to move past it, but it's just really hard trying to get through it and it's been rough. (I hope it's not too many characters or breaking some rules, I don't think it is, but still. Have a nice day.)

Can I request Genjihelping an s/o who’s having a flashback to their abuse as a child? I’m sorryI’m just having a really rough week you don’t have to do this if you don’t wantto I’m sorry

I feel awful when I am in a writing rut because emergencyasks like these build up overtime and I feel like crap for not finishing themin time. I hope both of you are ok right now

S/O who is dealingwith past trauma

Genji

He knew only so little of your past. It was easy tounderstand why it was difficult to speak about. The negative vibes thatradiated off of your body when someone tried to bring it up became evident tohim. So he didn’t pry on it. Even with what he had experience growing up, heonly wished to see you not suffer from what happened to you.

Seeing you stare out from the balcony of your sharedhome, he only knew that you were being troubled by your memories. In hopes thathe wouldn’t frightened you he approached from behind making his presence knownwith his voice.

“Beloved, it’s a little late for you to be up isn’t it?”Speaking quietly he noticed you not turning around at his response.

Approaching from behind, his kept his hands wary byplacing them onto the rails and not upon your body. He had learned overtime onhow you detested certain contact and he learned to adapt from that. Just resthis head ontop of yours, he looked to the starry sky with you in silence for a while.The sway of the breeze brushed against both of your skins. Breaking the silencehe spoke rather calmly.

“It’s beautiful out tonight isn’t it?” Feeling you nodslightly he felt relieved that he got a small response from you.

But then henoticed you shaking a little bit as you hugged your body tightly. How he wantedto hold you in his arms and calm you. But he had to resist, knowing it wouldprobably make the situation worse. Suddenly feeling you rest back against hismechanical body, he glanced down at you. Seeing your gaze planted to the floor.

“I’m sorry…I’m so sorry.” You croaked out. Genji feltyour pain just placing a gentle kiss on the top of your head.

“It’s alright my love…it’s going to be alright. I am herefor you,” He whispered carefully, “Do you want to back inside?”

“No…can we stay out here…for awhile longer?” Your requestcame off hesitant as if he would snap and say no. Closing his eyes he noddedwith a hum.

“Of course…anything for you.” The two of you stood outthere till the sun nearly rose, but it had been the most content you felt in along time. Even if you still remained cautious of contact, Genji always managedto provide you with enough love to make it through the night. That’s all youcould ever ask for.

Hanzo

Hanzo was not in the greatest of moods today and he foundjust about anything made him irritated. A trait that he quickly regretted whenyou started asking if there was anything you could do to help. He didn’t meanto come off as rude or harsh, but the tone and attitude brought an unpleasantshiver up your spine. One of which you remember quite well when you wereyounger. Even if it was just a minor comment, you could already feel the tearswelling up in the corners of your eyes.

He noticed it immediately and began to feel guilty. Histense stance loosened watching your body tremble as you began to sob. Your headhung low as you choked on your sobs.

“I-I’m sorry…I didn’t mean to…” you managed to mumble outof your tears. Hanzos heart clenched knowing he wasn’t the best at completecomfort, but he knew better than to make your upset. Pulling your hands awayfrom your face, he calmly hushed you wiping the tears from your face.

“Forgive me dearest,” he whispered pressing his foreheadonto yours, biting his cheek at his anger from before, “I did not mean to makeyou upset. My head just isn’t in the right place at the moment.”

Sniffling and gazing into his eyes, seeing the guilt andpain in them. Nothing manipulative within them like the eyes of those that didthis to you before. You felt the comfort in them. Placing your hands onto hischeeks you relaxed yourself with a shaken sigh.

“I…I just wanted to make you feel better.” Hanzo loweredhis gaze, tilting into your touch with a longing sigh.

“Just staying by my side is more than I ask of my blossom…justdo not leave me.” You relaxed a bit from your sadness and placed a gentle kissonto his lips.

“I won’t my dragon…I feel safer when I am with you.”

Cassidy

He had awakened to your sudden screams and thrashing onyour bedside. It wasn’t the first time you had acted like this and he alwaysjumped the gun whenever you were in trouble. He knew to protect you from anyoneand anything. But the first few times he might’ve shot at the doorframe whichworsened your fear. Jesse managed to control that and knew exactly what to do.Shaking you lightly without harming you he looked down at your contorted facein your nightmare.

“Darlin, darling wake up hey it’s me,” He spoke wakingyou up from your sleep. Your eyes wide in horror as you gasped in your sweat.Looking at him directly in his eyes, you saw the concern and love in thosebrown eyes as he held you with his fleshed arm, “[Name]…honey…sweetpea…it’salright it was just a dream.”

You felt your body quiver as the tears began to spillfrom your eyes. Sniffling turned into sobs as you leaned into his touch.Wrapping his arm around you, you buried your face into his chest, taking in hisscent and warmth to comfort you from the nightmare.

“Cass…it felt…so real…so fucking real.” You muttered outas he shushed you softly. Kissing your shoulders, he held you into a lovingembrace letting you cry it out for the time being.

“I know…it’s going to be fine. It was nothing but a baddream. I won’t let any of that happen to ya, that’s a promise.” He didn’t evenneed to know the nightmare to know exactly what you dreamt of. He knew whatkept you up at night, and he made certain that he didn’t experience any of thattrauma again. Your weeping echoed in the room while your body tried to relaxfrom the tension.

It ached his heart to see you in such pain. But he dideverything he could to make sure you went through it. He loved you so much, andyou didn’t deserve what had happened to you. He wouldn’t wish it on the worstof his enemies. But all he could do was comfort you through these trying times.

“I love you…” He felt his heart strings pluck at those words feeling your grip on him tighten. Kissing you on the cheek he hummed and held you closer while he rested on the headboard.

“I love ya too darlin’“

[kurokonbscenarios]

Hey admin T-Chan I saw what you said about your mom and I've been there before (actually dealing with it now) and my mom actually made me cry in front of my friend today because I said she can't take the money I earned from babysitting and she started yelling at me saying I'm selfish and a regret I have to ask how do I deal with this because it's getting to the point where I feel guilty for eating.

If I knew where you live, I’d leave everything, come to you and hug you for hours and feed you your favourite snacks and food, because no one deserves this. At the moment all I can is give you this hug through internet ;-;

I just want to point out first before everything that each person has different way of dealing with problems. Since this turned out rather long, I’ll put it under read more so it won’t take much of your dashboard.

As for me, I’m still trying to see and understand the whole point of what I’m going through. The first time I realized something was wrong with the way some of my relatives treat me is when I went to high school, which would be 6 years this September. I was, still am, a very quiet person and shy and easily embarrassed when you meet me in person, so when I heard of all types of abuse I was like “hold on, but this happened to me?? Still does??” and I have to admit that psychology opened my eyes over my childhood.

In these 6 years I learnt a lot, but I’m still confused with these thoughts “but they don’t mean it for real” “it’s family. of course they know the best for you” and so many similar that sometimes I just freeze, act cold and distant. Out of all five friends that I have only one knows what’s going on with my mom and brother, one knows what happened years ago, two doen’t really have an idea, but Lena-chi knows pretty much everything.

When dad died, 8 years ago, I hid my feelings A LOT. I still do, which was the reason I got cardiac arrhythmia. Doctors said that it’s mostly genetic (both grandmothers had it) and some psychological (each year I lost a close relative. It was hell). I must say that 3 years ago, doctor told me I’m healthy and that there shouldn’t be any more problems anymore after I went through like 4, if not 5, operations. But during this time it was still different at home. Sure mom gave me a break, because of my health, but my brother didn’t really. It wasn’t until he went to Germany to work that I realized just how hard it can be too. Mom and I were alone, so every time she needed something, I was there helping her, doing things for her and basically anything she needed. And she got used to that. I honestly didn’t care, because it was expected that she’d call for me to help and all. All that only made me shut down and obey, because if I didn’t, we’d end up in a fight and I’d be called spoiled, which only rubbed me more, but I backed down and helped nonetheless. It was also because I’m still kind of grieving after my father. Sure he was an alcoholic and that he ended with arguments with mom, but he was always nice to me. Mom didn’t share her feelings and I didn’t with hers, I only hid myself in bedroom, where I felt most at peace and calm, especially after she started seeing other men. I guess that only made our relationship more distant than it was.

But when my brother came home, a year and half ago, I thought that maybe, just maybe, she’ll call for brother too and told him to help out and not just me. I understood that he had to get used to being home again and to take care of things, but he was home all the time. And it honestly started ticking me off when I was in my room and mom called me to bring her something from the balcony when my brother was closer. I understand that she was used to it, but it only upset me because she didn’t see him or refused to see him. Like he’d play games on playstation or just watch TV all day long and would do nothing. He wouldn’t even clean after himself and just be like how a guy acts; staying at home in his underwear, playing games all the time and if not that then he’d start nagging me with mom in the background how I don’t do anything, how I can’t find a simple job, why was I accepted into college as a part-time study (3 days at college the rest of the week free) and it really got me down. During all that time he was in Germany, he usually took my side, now that he’s home, he takes mom’s side and at first I felt rather betrayed, but now I’m just like “yeah I get it”.

I couldn’t deal with all of my emotions, cause I didn’t know how, so I got into depression a lot, and because I felt, still do on occassions, jealous of my brother. We end in physical fight a lot, especially when all three of us are at home and I’m honestly scared of him, because few months ago, he scratched me so hard and deeply that I bled and I still have the scar. It’s hard to be with them both, because one or the other will always start talking “what are you going to do about college?” “when will you get a job?” “are you going to pay the bill for the electricity?” etc and lunches are the worst thing there are at this place.

My usual self-defense is arguing back or just staying quiet. It depends how I feel. Sometimes I just suck it up and stay quiet until they’re both finished with yelling/arguing with me and I don’t break down unless I’m all alone. Sometimes I snap back and it only worsens the situation which ends with me even more upset and emotionally unstable because mom goes on economy “who’s buying you all the clothes?” “you have roof over your head, you have food to eat, you have water, you have clean clothes, what else do you want?” and I break down, because I start feeling guilty and am even more upset at myself because I start thinking “you know she’s right. you never do anything to help” and it just tires me so much. I just want a simple “you did good. you did well. I’m proud of you”. I feel jealous every time she has a normal conversation with my brother, because with me she always starts about job and college and car and it just pushes me away even more with how she has to deal with everything alone and that I don’t help her around. I feel jealous whenever she’s worried for her friends or her lover, who are sick or have a headache and when I say I have a headache she’s like “I’d have a headache too if I were inside whole day” or “get a job and you won’t have headaches anymore”.

I deal with this differently every time. I used to hide my feelings inside, refusing to show them when I’m angry, sad or upset, because I always seem so optimistic and help whenever I can. I’m a listener, but I have some advices every now and then. I used to feel betrayed, jealous and upset and I either argued back, or kept it inside until it grew and grew and went out the only way you can imagine. With self-harm. It’s hard stopping, but I beg you, don’t harm yourself, don’t even think about it. I truly do beg you this one thing.

Whenever you feel down or upset or angry or anything bad towards your mother, go to your friend, go out, go to your relatives, anywhere where you feel safe. Even if you just go out into park and stay there for hours until late, that’s fine. Go to a café and order a coffee or tea or what you like, bring a book or notebook along. I’m reading lots of psychological, history, sci-fi and real-life books. Write in the notebook your feelings, your thoughts, whatever comes to your mind. Listen to music on loud volume with your earphones in, read anything that comes under your hand. Talk with your friends, tell those who you trust what is going on so they have a slight idea what’s going on and can help if they can; cry, yell, scream, anything that could help you get better. Listen to yourself, to your body speaking back at you, but don’t ever harm yourself in any way. I admit, I was thinking of suicide a lot and if I’m honest, I still do and I’m scared cause when I’m depressed I’m not myself. I’m someone entirely different, I do and write things that I have no idea of, so I usually just disappear from tumblr and fb. I argue with mom and brother almost every day over simple things and it’s usually them against me or brother against me which usually ends with mom siding with brother even when I’m all bruised or hurt unless I start screaming LOUD. You could say that when we don’t fight it’s like a holiday.

Two months ago, when my aunt had a birthday, I told my godmothers that my brother scratched me till I bled and they actually took it seriously. And I honestly panicked because she said, in a rather joking manner, that my other godmother (who’s living in a flat beside ours) might call police if she hears me screaming. And while I felt a bit glad and reassured that maybe I just have someone on my back to protect me, I still panicked because “what if I’m just imagining things and my brother’s doing it just for fun??”

It’s really hard to deal with any kind of abuse, be it verbal, emotional, economic, sexual or any kind, cause there are so many different types, especially when you’re raised like this your whole life and you’re not completely sure if it’s normal or not or what. These days I’m thinking so much to go back to my psychologist if only to tell her everything that’s going on, but I know I won’t say a word, ‘cause that’s who I grew up to be. You can do anything to me, I will never say a word, because if I don’t trust someone enough, and seeing how they react to people with different problems and they have that negativity, I’ll never speak about what’s going on. I’ll say it either in a joking manner or write it down in my diary or in a one-shot or a fanfiction.

The only advice I can give you is that if nothing helps, your friends or relatives having hard time to help you or can’t, go to psychologist. I don’t know if where you live they’re free (under health insurance) or not, but if they are, ask your personal doctor for referral and who they think is good psychologist and go to that person. They may ask you questions from and to and give you more professional advice and if that won’t help either, hide that money in a place that’s really well hidden or bank account and have that bank card with you the whole time and save up money enough to buy yourself an apartment. I’m currently working on finding a job and saving money (from income support) for a small apartment, where I can live alone. I feel annoyed at myself for telling both Lena-chi and Denise (the one who sent me that message to go to her) with always saying how tired I am of my situation.

Save money, hide it, search for a job that could take most of your time, but still like it enough to apply for it, search for apartment and tell your friends (those you trust) what’s going on. Ask them what they think you should do. I know it’s hard and I’ll be damned to say I didn’t ask those that are in the same town. It’s hard saying anything of your personal problems and it’ll be even harder as you grow, but really.. My only destination right now is to at least get a job where I won’t be home most of the time, even during weekend and holidays and I honestly don’t care how tired I’d be or anything, and then saving that money, go to Sweden on a 2-week vacation and then search for apartment.

The road to that destination is and will be hard when you don’t have the support you want, but even if there’s just one friend, be it from your hometown or miles away, it’s still better than nothing. I’m sorry this is happening to you, I truly am, but know this, anon, I have your back even if I’m miles away. Try not to feel guilty for what your mother’s making you think. You deserve that food, you deserve that money, you deserve everything. I may not know what exactly is going on at your place, but I know enough that you deserve to be loved. I may not be your close friend or relative, but I love you and I’m proud of you for standing up against her and don’t back down. You might be called spoiled or selfish, but you alone know best what’s going on. Don’t bother with neighbours or someone who doesn’t know of the situation enough, they can judge and point fingers how much they want, but you know who’s the real victim.

If you have any kind of problems or questions, you can ask me here or on my personal blog off anon or on anon I don’t mind. I never, and will never, judge people. I’ll try to help as much as I can.