#which i know isnt true but. brains will brain | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

spoopdeedoop · 1 year ago

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real friends have weird greetings that usually involve hitting each other

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toytulini · 5 months ago

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me, stupidly and weirdly resistant to listening to audio books vs reading a physical book for no real reason: man i wish there was a way to like, read a book while i crochet like i do with tv shows and movies and podcasts

#toy txt post #my reasons are irrational you dont need to try to talk me into it. i KNOW #its very silly of me #imagine how much reading i could get done. but alas. Feels Bad #even listening to a more. uh. Story type podcast or fiction like nightvale was a bit difficult to start for me. i like nightvale now i #listened. but i worry that is clocking in my brain as an Exception 😔 maybe it would be easier if i tried some nonfiction books? scary #i also struggle with single host podcasts apparently even tho im also ehhhh on the kind where the structure is the host Interviewing a #different person everytime? maybe it would be okay with a nonfiction audiobook tho cos it would be getting read by a narrator and not sound #so much like a guy ranting into a mic which makes me feel a little insane. altho propaganda doesnt necessarily always sound like a guy #ranting into a mic so idk. i could probably make it through if i can find a nice book about like. parasitic worms. i could tolerate #feeling like im falling into sigma male affirmations videos for worms i think. wormffirmations are allowed #*to clarify i dont listen to those but listening to better offline makes me feel like im morphing into the kinda guy who does and i hate it #which feels unfair cos he is RIGHT and the podcast is good but i need there to be like a cohost there to break the tension of the Ranting #sometimes he has guests on? but its not quite the same #i think the format i like best is either like 2 or 3 regular cohosts discussing things within a specific topic #OR. 1 host whos like infodumping to the other host who knows nothing about the subject. OR. 2 hosts info dumping to each other about #different aspects of the subject. OR. 1 host who brings on fun guests to infodump to them about a subject. and then obviously the subject #needs to intrigue me. ex. sawbones well theres your problem (I HATE THAT THIS ONE IS BEST EXPERIENCED ON YOUTUBE😭 I WANT THEM TO JUST DUMP #ALL THE SLIDES INTO A BIG BLOG POST SOMEWHERE AND I CAN CHECK IN AND FOLLOW ALONG THAT WAY WITHOUT HAVING TO HAVE MY PHONE SCREEN ON THE #WHOLE TIME!!!!!!!!! but. im listening for free so its unreasonable to demand more of them BUT ALSO I FEEL LIKE JUST COPYPASTING ALL OF THE #SLIDES INTO A BIG BLOG POST ISNT THAT MUCH MORE EFFORT THAN EDITING A WHOLE YOUTUBE VIDEO? WAAAAAH. THEY DONT NEED TO BE TIMESTAMPED OR #ANYTHING JUST THROW EM IN ILL FIGURE IT OUTTTTTT #anyway. also more than 3 hosts is really pushing my ability to keep track of voices.#anyway: sawbones wtyp tpwky behind the bastards scam goddess #(which is true crime adjacent but focuses mainly on scams and isnt copaganda and laci is funny and cool)#common descent pod completely arbortrary maintenance phase if books could kill #deep sea podcast has more bringing ppl in to interview them about shit than i personally enjoy but i put up with it cos i do like the hosts #and the subject

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lighthouseshepard · 4 months ago

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#it is #WAY TOO EARLY IN THE DAY #to be this anxious #maybe im having a heart attack wnfhejf it fuckign feels like it #its like oops! just woke up!#time for the feeling no one will ever choose you first over anyone else and youll always be second best in life!#what the fuck brain can i have #one good day please #without wanting to cry or feeling like im gonna be stuck forever where i am now #THIS TOO SHALL FUCKING PASS SO HELP ME GOD #BUT IT COULD PASS A LITTLE FASTER YOU KNOW?#caspost #tbd #the cosmic sadness you cannot shake which shapes itself around the belief you are inherently unwanted even though you know logically #it isnt true

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faineant-girl · 3 months ago

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hey guys is it embarrassing to like characters.

#.tlktxt #dont answer btw i know it is. but allow me to complain #cuz. inside out 2 right. anxiety is. a character whose so strange to me in my brain #i dont. give a fuck about the rest of the movie im gonna be so honest. but anxiety struck such a strong chord. idk #and you might think its because i have an anxiety disorder. which is true thats a lot of it. shes relatable in a way thats. like. kinda cool #but like. this isnt a normal like of a character. sometimes ill like a thing so so so much or connect with it that like #my chest hurts. when i think about them. like.#what im saying basically is i have very very strong emotions towards anxiety inside out 2 and i dont know what to do abt it cuz #inside out 2 is not a movie i particularly liked or care for otherwise.#aorry anyways. crushing that thing w my fists

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altruistic-meme · 2 months ago

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trying to decide if im about to implode or not

#i dont. hm.#idk if i feel restless but exhausted and there's what's making me want to blow up or ???#why am i. feeling this way.#brain says call mother so i can at least Get The Energy Out Safely but also #anxiety says that i don't really have a REASON to call mother and she'll question it and think it's weird if iexplain #which logically i know isnt true. or well even if she thinks it's weird she won't shame me for if or anything.#so i should.... do that.#ough.#idek what this is or why im feeling it #thigh at least i could ask her thoughts on me running a fan event maybe......#like i would have to explain it to get somewhat but that's fine #she knows about some fan events and i think i even told her about the actg mixtape some last year????#anyway.#yeah.#i should just text her to ask to call.#and maybe the weird imploding feeling will fuckin stop #shh ac

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arolesbianism · 3 months ago

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I may be failing my plan to not make any isat aus. So there's this guy her name is Euphrasie right. What if I took her and combined what could be 3 separate au concepts into one. And in the process forced myself to go back and reread a bunch of shit to make sure I know how to maximally fuck over this sad wet puppy of a woman

#rat rambles #did I ever actually make a proper isat talking tag? I don't remember but erm #stars posting #anyways dont count on me committing to this au too hard since Im mostly eternal gales brained rn but I am rotating ideas in my head #shes always interested me deeply as what am I if not a sucker for women who are mostly silhouettes of a character #I was mostly just thinking abt other ppls aus where she is also looping and was thinking abt how fucked it be for her in general but also #how much more fucked it would be for her if it was Only her looping #because as far as she would know theres straight up nothing that can be done to fix this and shed be stuck in a hell of what shed be sure #is her own creation #and then I thought to myself. what if she then accidentally did a loop while trying to fix it #and then my brain also said but what if loop was also there #so I did some mental gymnastics to ignore the possible problems and decided to take an extra spin on it and just sorta add her to the main #party by having her have basically wished to be able to help them defeat the king to make things right and her getting dropped earlier #on in the adventure so I can fuck around with potential character dymamics more (cough cough siffrin)#and for the actual loops I think it'd be funny if she could remember just like loop but was fully convinced that she was looping alone #so itd be siffrin and her acting at eachother trying to hide their seperate breakdowns while meamwhile loop is just staring at her with a #whole heap of mixed emotions but mostly the confusion of who the fuck is this guy???????#and sif is just like yeah thats secret. shes a powerful craft user who's craft experiments backfired and fucked up her body. duh.#and loop just Knows that thats not true but they have no real way to bring it up properly without drawing too much suspicious #oh yeah and Im calling her secret for now. in my minds eye shes like constantly putting on different fronts in hopes that one of them will #stick but shes been able to get away with it by playing up her belief in change to a cartoonish degree #shes really trying to be strong and not raise suspicion since she does want mirabelle to be able to learn and grow from this just the same #as her own mirabelle before and just wants to be able to fix the broken wish by being there to defeat the king herself #which she had already convinced herself was the reason the wish broke since she was the one stuck remembering #I should reword it to that probably because saying shes the one looping isnt Wrong but asside from sif not remembering it still entirely #revolved around him she was just the one forced to deal with it without any real way of learning how to fix it #and while she never figured out the entirety of the sif stuff it was always him taking to her that reset the loop #so she has. complicated feelings on him. she doesn't want to be avoidant or distant or to dislike him! and as time goes on she does grow to #like him a lot! but its just. hard to look him in the eye sometimes.#and then theres the horrors of the actual main game starting and the slow but horrifying realization of how badly she fucked up

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olli-online · 6 months ago

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#i wish i could pinpoint what exactly has my mood all messed up rn #my brain is just recycling the same thoughts the second i open my eyes #how many times do i have to tell myself to prepare to be discarded because i have nothing to offer anyone. myself alone isnt good enough and #never has been or ever will be. i have to make up for it and still i show up empty handed #like ive run out of things to give. which i guess is true. how do i give what im still trying to rebuild #as cliche as it sounds its true that everyone i have ever loved has taken some part of me with them that i cant get back #i wish i was still kind and openly loving. i wish i wasnt full of dread. i wish i could love any part of myself. i wish for too much i know #i wish i knew when to leave well enough alone #i wish i could tell where im truly wanted #ugh #anyways i need to find smth to do to shut my brain off or just pass out again

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creature-from-unknown-orgins · 11 months ago

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I should sleep

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pulchrasilva · 8 months ago

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Having people you care about who are suicidal while you're not suicidal is truly a special torture I think I want to go back to wanting to kill myself im gonna throw up

#vent post #it's just. knowing theres no quick fix or surefire solution because there never was for /you/#it feels a little hopeless yknow? like what can i do really? how can i singlehandedly restore your faith in the world?#how can i stop your body from causing you constant pain?#i literally cant. and im not good at handling the fact that i cant do much #doesnt help that last time a friend tried to kill themself i sorta didnt see or didnt take note of the warning signs #now someone is letting me see all the warning signs it's setting off the 'THIS IS WAY WORSE THAN LAST TIME ALARMS' and idk if thats true #but its really putting me on edge about it #for forever i was used to knowing people who want to kill themselves but dont ever take action to do it #which is miserable and terrible but it's not particularly scary #PLUS doesnt help that by coincidence i was remembering other horrible miserable things that happened after my friend tried to kill themself #and my brain loves to imagine what mjght happen if they /do/ try to kill themself. what I'll do when i find out. whay ill do if they succeed #i dont really want to think about it but we're thinking about it i guess #hey isnt it kinda funny that my parents /still/ dont know my friend tried to kill themself that night #and i got yelled at for being antisocial while i was sobbing and sick with grief and unable to get out of bed #oh im gonna throw up. anyway #dont mind me im mostly ok #feeling a little sick but i can manage

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caffeinatedopossum · 2 years ago

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Events of last night:

Me: *crying*

My girlfriend: what's wrong?? :(

Me: *struggling to form words* intrusive thoughts are bad... I don't want to talk about them because then I'm scared that they're true and you might think I'm awful

My girlfriend: ah I actually get that. I have those a lot. It doesn't mean anything though, intrusive thoughts are just like dreams. Like the things you do in them aren't really things you want to do, it's just stuff your brain comes up with.

#we then very heavily related over having the same intrusive thoughts and now I'm suspicious #thinking about when i told her i might have ocd and she said i didnt #and starting to feel like thats because... what if we both have ocd #it seems like she was basing her entire knowledge of conditions on people shes known with those conditions. which makes sense #but the person/ people with ocd had severe cleaning compulsions and the like #where as me and her obsess much more over morality #like its very clear we think about it so much. and idk what to do with that information #we both feel like the intrusive thoughts and obsessive ruminating are the only things that keep is from being bad people #or that prevent us from being bad people i guess. idk why that wording is just slightly more accurate #like people who dont think about these things (apparently all 'normal' people since this could be *an actual disorder*)#they're not constantly analyzing. trying to be aware. asking themselves questions about their true nature. judging those answers #theyre not really doing that with other people either. of course i could be wrong since im very clearly not a normal person.#but this is what i mean! im speculating about other people and acknowledging the ways i could be wrong and just trying to figure it all out #but it seems like no one does that and it doesnt *make them* bad people. it just doesn't prevent them from that happening either #like theyre just as likely to hurt people as the 'bad' person thats thinking the same way they are #and i cant ever be comfortable with me living that reality even when *this reality* is a waking nightmare #sure im tearing my skin off (good ole skin picking disorder) when im thinking about these things. sure im crying. sure i can't sleep.#sure it makes me feel like im constantly a horrible person and need to attone for everything ive done and havent done #sure. but then i turn around and say its helping me. because why else would my brain torture me? isnt it always about protecting me?#i don't know. all i know is who i dont want to be and what i dont want. so that exactly what my brain convinces me is real #i guess what it kinda comes to do is #would you rather live a reality where everything around you is superficial. your thoughts behaviors and thoughts. your reactions #all of them are things youre never aware of. you could be hurting people or you could be helping themm #you could even be hurting yourself. but you would never know. its a comfortable reality that youre never really aware of #OR would you rather live a reality aware of all those things. seeking answers and sometimes finding them.#trying your hardest to help others and better yourself and fix the broken things in this world #your reality is one where you recognize every threat that no one else does and it kills you inside because they wont always listen #theyre comfortable and you're stuck in a reality where you try and try and try but even when you succeed #your brain forms its own reality. a metaphorical jail. where you never get to experience the reality you fought so hard for #instead you exist in this sort of purgatory where you live out your own worst fears and the worst ways you could have failed

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sandmanalone · 10 months ago

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Here have a lil guy

#having one of those days where creating is just as painful as not creating #and i'm probably not gonna feel better until i make something i'm content with #but i'm hating everything i make #which is making me more impatient to make something good which is making me give up on things that will take longer than a few minutes #and i just generally feel like I'm never going to make anything of value ever again #which i know isnt true #but yeah. brain is just struggling today i guess.#this little doodle is the only thing i feel okay about tho so i'm clinging to it for dear life #and am gonna go eat some food #my posts #my art

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toytulini · 1 year ago

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terfs go climb into a hole and start rotting. animals cannot inherently tell your "biological sex" you are all so fucking stupid. All this post is saying is that animals are not infallible judges of character and some of them make really stupid vibe checks and that people should try not to take it personally. Unless youre a terf in which case they know and they hate you and you should take it personally

re that one post tbh i do want to stress i dont think animals are like magically psychic at knowing your True Gender tbh i think ppl definitely get way too weird about Animal's judgement of ppl.

Sometimes a dog will vibe check a man and the dog will be right and you should listen. but sometimes the dog will vibe check someone for no good reason. sometimes dogs have wack judgement. sometimes dogs have biases influenced by their owners or previous owners. like. there are Racist Dogs. its not the dogs fault, but that doesnt make the bias theyve developed less real, or less potentially hurtful. i dont think we need to like, Cancel Dogs Bc Sometimes Ppl Can Train Them To Be Racist, but we do need to stop perpetuating the idea that a dog's judgement of someone is infallible. theyre not responsible for it and its not their fault its developed, theyre just dogs, they didnt choose it, but that doesnt mean theyre RIGHT lmao. i think its important to stress this for many reasons but in regard to that last post specifically, if youve ever been vibe checked as a gender you arent by a judgy dog its literally not your fault. might not even be the owners fault. not the dogs fault cos like. its a fucking dog. you do kinda have to be the bigger person in that scenario cos the other person is. A Dog.

#toy txt post #this was meant to be a quick post it got a bit longer and more in depth than i planned oops #i just hate when ppl act like All Dogs have Inherently Correct Judgement Of People #like from every angle. its funny to joke about but i know theres ppl out there who might be feeling like #very fragile in their gender or smth and seeing a post like that if they meet a dog that normally hates men but not women but it doesnt #recognize your inherent true gender im sure seeing shit like that post can be a horr #got interrupted by a phone call while typing it and the post is glitching so i cant see where that tag is cut off so uh #dogs are like ppl in that they can develop biases and have bad judgement and they dont always get it right #they are not like ppl in that it is not possible to ask a dog to examine its biases. you cannot make a dog take a class on #critical race theory. you have to work to socialize and desensitize them against those biases or at least make sure those biases theyve #developed dont negatively impact ppl. in this sense i guess im morally obligated to try to learn more spanish to see if it helps my dog #chill. shes nervous around all new ppl but parents have anecdotally noted she extra dislikes men speaking in spanish. she was a stray so we #dont really know her history. she also does Not like fire pokers outside. weirdly even tho its basically the same tool she is unfazed by #the indoor poker for the woodstove? but ig she wouldve had less exposure to indoor woodstoves as a stray in Louisiana?#but i can see like ppl having a little backyard barbecue and threatening the big mastiff looking stray dog with a fire poker and i think #that region of the country prolly has a higher number of spanish speaking ppl than our current residence so the odds of her running into a #spanish speaking guy who isnt very nice are prolly higher just due to a denser population as a whole. and we think shes part mastiff which #i think is a breed already prone to disliking strangers that probably cooked up into a little cocktail in her brain #luckily shes bad enough with All Strangers that i think honestly it would be hard to even notice her bias? but. ig i need to see if i can #desensitize her? idk. sighs but im scared to open duolingo now 😭. but i could maybe do it. when other ppl wear hats she fucking hates it #i wear a fucking face covering mask that looks like a giant eyeball she looks at me a little quizzically but is fine. jester hat? fine #i am like that video of the person desensitizing that horse except thats just like. living w me. minus the cat thing. id never do that to #the cats or dog. everyone would hate that. squirrel already cant tolerate being held while a dog is out cos he THINKS im going to do that.#it would traumatize the dog cos he'd injure me escaping and then prolly her trying to scare her off to get past her and shes just minding #her business. solo i cant hold that long but is less likely to injure anyone. shadow. first of all all 3 are way too heavy to be holding #like that #im getting lost in the tags again sorry im chewing caffeinated gum. i should go try to buy some catnip #ive made my Phone Calls. im gonna try to go get dressed and buy various catnip products. maybe lure him with a toy this time. need my #parents to help me but not be so visibly Ready to help me next time cos i do not want to chase his ass again...

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daffythefox · 1 year ago

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^ my tags on a different post wanted to update that they also dmed me asking if i was okay. which means they’ve now triple texted me they’re literally obsessed with me i won the narc crash (is still emotionally devastated)

#i am so fucking pathetic #ty #literally i am actually on some level proud of myself for not #like #reaching out like a normal person #because he got concerned for me #honestly he should be so #idk #i mean if it comes up I'm just gonna be my avoidant attachment style self and deny deny deny but #it's nice to know he cares #at least he cares about figuring out this scheduling thing #my brain isnt being like 'aw they're worried abt me how great' its more 'hm this is a positive interaction'#and also 'please just text them back god you're pathetic'#and also 'they hate you'#which honestly might be true tbh #listen. did they send me down a narc crash spiral? yes #was it their fault? no #but also. i think i'm also doing this on some level to spite them #which is not the most healthy thing to do in this situation #what the fuck am i doing god i'm just digging myself into a deeper and deeper hole #me when i

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skitskatdacat63 · 2 years ago

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okay, i don't know why, but i have ALWAYS been like you described. i have so many movies, TV shows, books, podcasts, songs, etc that i want to experience but do i? nope, just put on another F1 race, please. i don't know if it's fear of the unknown (hello, flood of unexpected emotions!) or not wanting to challenge myself or also wanting to watch F1 and F1 just wins out, but here we are. i suspect it's part of my OCD? or some other ND thing that hasn't been diagnosed in me yet??

in fact prolly the only reason i watch F1 is bc i watch it with my sister. it is a lot easier to do new stuff with someone else...which deludes me into believing that if i just got a partner, we could open the floodgates and watch everything i haven't seen together, but lord knows it don't work that way 😑 in any case, i don't know what's wrong with us, but you're not alone!

I'm glad I'm not the only one!! 💕💕

(Reply ramble under the cut cause I wrote more than I expected)

I think I just struggle to start anything new or to finish anything. I totally agree with what you said about it being the fear of unexpected emotions/the unknown! Like for race seasons for example, I just spent a significant amount of time immersed in 2005 which is a specific set of information(you know: rules, strategy, drivers, etc.), so to start a new season would be a completely different set of info. As I said in my earlier tags, some part of me likes the anticipation more and also I always get way too hyper about things and that energy is overwhelming 😓 And I also feel like I have a fear about how much time I'm going to spend(which is stupid because I'll spend like way too much time aimlessly scrolling for the same amnt of time it'd take to watch a race.) Like the idea of specifically putting aside two hours to do only one thing is stressful to me, which is why I often used to like watching races when I literally couldn't do anything else(waiting for a class.) But now I'm stuck back in the cycle of not wanting to start something new, even if 2009 isnt exactly new because I've watched a lot of racing at this point, but still new enough to me that it's hard to convince my brain to start it. Like once I get into the groove of things, I can float through and enjoy myself, it's just that beginning barrier that's hard to get through.

I also definitely agree with having to watch it with someone else. I either have to binge watch things super quickly or watch them with other people, if not, I'll just end up never starting it or abandoning it. I think it's because it's really nice to be able to discuss your thoughts and feelings abt it with another person and not just be stuck with a million thoughts bouncing around your head(which is why I tend to make posts and then rant in the tags LOL)

I think thats why ive been able to get into F1 to such an extent and why it's been so fun for me. It's a live experience(with a strict time constraint, i.e. you can only watch it right here, right now) where there's a bunch of people watching and interacting. I love tumblr during a race weekend so much, I don't think I'd be obsessed with it as much if not for the ability to see everyone's reactions and interact back with them. I think that's why I struggle to start old seasons, because it's literally just me obsessing alone in my room and I can't talk about it to the extent that I can with the current season. Watching F1 as it goes along in a current season is just a perfect experience I guess, because the schedule pushes me along and I don't really have to rely on myself to keep going.

But yeah who knows!! Brain just being brain as always I guess, but it is annoying that it prevents us from doing things we want to do! But I will say, still, its so stupid that I procrastinate over watching 10 minute long YouTube vids LMAO, like pls I get the hesitation with a 2 hour race, 2 hour movie or 100k fic but, 10 minutes, seriously brain???

#theres some actual term ive heard before abt this kind of behavior #but i cant recall it rn and you know what google is like when youre trying to look up symptoms 😭#but yeah its probably smth mentally related which ive just never looked into further #i just am prone to anxiety about literally everything i think :)#sorry for such a long response!!#but its rly nice to know that someone else out there deals with this <3 #i think im just my greatest enemy LOL im always just fighting with my brain #some part of my brain just likes playing devils advocate and being contrary to what i want to do ig?#but yeah what you said about the flood of emotions! so true!!#like for some reason ig its just hard to open myself up to such sudden excitement/joy if that makes sense?#tysm for the ask :D it makes me feel a lot better abt that :D #i always fear that i complain too much abt things in my own control #like: 'i want to watch 2009 but i cant' 'but isnt the ability to watch 2009 under your control' 'yeah BUT YOU KNOW'#when i say i want to do something i either do it immediately or its gonna take a bit for me to get to it #but rest assured it will probably happen eventually #i like how i wrote a super long response and still somehow managed to write a paragraph of tags #truly my trademark at this point #catie.asks.#catie.rambling.txt

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femmefaggot · 2 years ago

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genuinely very very happy about maya still Do Not get me wrong. I simply wish... the world was better and less cruel. and that I was not complicit in that cruelty. and that honorspren in shadesmar werent such hypocrites.

#outgoing transmission #adolin post #the desire to have everything be good forever and be told by some almighty being that #actually you didnt mske anything mistakes and did the best you can and were good vs like #how... not hollow. but. that is also not true i messed up so very much and do have to wonder if my existence was Not worth it #disregarding the fact that... well. it is a story someone wrote and yes obviously I needed to be there.#but. as a person? mmh. craving not necessarily reassurance but Being Sure i didn't make awful decisions to make things worse. and i simply #cannot know that. not at the moment and potentially not with any certainty ever #which is no different from anyone elses life really. but there is a certain agony to it #i dont know. i love kal. i dont have many memories yet of. well. but #id like to think he loves me. coming face to face with that however is... well why would he?#he is. well i feel anything i say wouldnt really encapsulate it to be honest i could worship that man and i mean that so sincerely #he... would not like it. but it isnt...... well hes a better man than me but not because i think hes flawless or anything #just. he tries so very hard. i didnt even have it in me to not murder someone despite how risky it was #for the best. and i wish id done it sooner still. but i do also think it says a good deal about my character in general #sorry again about this i hope everyone is well.#it is too bright out now honestly which is kind of funny. half comforting. half annoying. a small part... some other thing. weird i suppose #brain is. mm. partially shadesmar. partially... something else. stormy. near kal. tense but not necessarily in a danger way.#but something... stuck a bit maybe. not sure if it is a natural thing or more a. spren parent trap situation. for lack of any better terms.#cute and mildly obnoxious... hm. something to consider.

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nomairuins · 2 months ago

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the worst part is like . I know it sounds like ocd and i know a lot of ppl with ocd and i watch them talk abt their experiences and i relate a ton but then my brains like How dare you relate to them and try to compare. youre just an evil person and youre trying to pretend you have ocd . and its actually different and the fact you even thought for a second "oh thats similar to what i experience" means that you will be a bad person forever and you cant fix it and you need to go to hell. and you dont have ocd youre just actually an evil person. so i cant actually let myself think abt it being ocd basically

#And like you know . i dont actually know what it is and i cant like. Decide i do bc i relate a lot to ppl who do have it . its just even if #i dont say I think i have ocd bc i relate to this. i cant even think Oh i relate to this without feeling like an awful person. you know .#does this make sense to anybody at all. its very very exhausting #also this is phrasing it like being ocd is the same thing as being evil Obviously it isnt i just mean like ik a lot pf ppl with ocd #experience similar like. worrying theyre an evil person and i also do that but my brain says that i actually Am an evil person as opposed t #just. worrying that i am. and that i only worry abt it bc its true. ok .#idk i worry i sound whiny as hell in these posts im sorry 😭 its just rly kicking my ass tonight the terrors #but its like. no matter what i do im evil bc if i think to myself Oh i relate a bit to this person with ocd my brain says Oh youre awful fo #trying to pretend to have ocd you couldnt possible understand your evil. and if i say youre right then its Oh so why is having ocd such a #bad thing do you hate ppl with ocd you couldnt possible have ocd bc you think youre better than them youre awful but if i say I think youre #being a bit dramatic its like oh so what you think you can just claim to have whatever mental health issue you want. you think you can just #fake mental illnesses and use them as an excuse for why youre so horrible youre going to hell youre going to hell youre going to hell and #then it just loops eternally and i cant get it to stop unless i do little things to make it stop like hitting my head or scratching or #pacing in tempo or tapping rhythms . Which yes i know sounds like ocd . you do not have to tell me . but i cant think abt how it sounds #similar to ocd bc then its starting again.#and even the like. posting abt it is hard bc my brains like seeee youre just making it up for attention why do you haaave to talk abt it #where ppl can see. its so you can convince other ppl and trick them into thinking you have ocd . but its just that i always post whatever #i think abt on here this thing is my diary and also if i dont let people know what im thinking all the time it means im hiding things and i #evil . so . this is how it is

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