#whenever i cant think of anything
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Art Block
#whenever i cant think of anything#i just pull up a weird pose from pinterest and go buck wild#and also use some of the 40 pngs i have of stickers or video game assets#tw bright colors#artists on tumblr#pebble
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you open my Super Important Documents and its just pictures of charles xavier
#xmen#mcu#xmen movies#xmen first class#charles xavier#professor x#snap sketches#todays schedule has been ruined by my ever occurring need to practice drawing movie charles its horrendous#i started this sheet last night but then i kept adding to it and i keep wanting to add to it but i MUST stop myself#in an ideal world i get paid to draw charles xavier and erik lehnsherr but no i live in this baka society#sleepless charles WAS inspired by me starting this at 1AM and forcing myself to sleep at 4AM#and then here i am picking i up still later .... i need professional help i fear but i aint got time for that#NEVERTHELESS I THINK IT GOT IT NOW. I THINK IM OK. i think i know how i wanna go bout drawing him now ...#chat can i confess that like. .5% of the reason i barely draw FC charles i because of his hair#for some reason some demonic entity prevents me from drawing it easily i am in STRUGGLE CITY#the only thing that gets me is that whenever i draw him i can only think of the likes of a disney prince but man thems the strokes ig#i also drew a quick dark phoenix charles but i figured id just keep this first class oriented#anything else i want to say ? uh. hm. its funny i never do any of these sheets for erik#genuinely On My Life made One (1) sheet and was like 'no yeah i got it. i got it down'#literally not my fault his head is So Shaped and defined but anyways. this aint about him.#i mean it could be. i still wanna do a doodle page concentrated on drawing how his powers show#more specifically how do i wanna draw the glow cause i cant decide on it ... also i wanna draw the 'levels' ...#but thats for another time. for right now i should probably eat i havent eaten all day#bye bye !!!!!! here's to hoping i draw something thats not a doodle sheet one of these days
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see like the thing with 'carewhumpers' as a concept to me is it just like... i know this is prrrrobably not really how it's meant but something skeeves me out about the idea that kindness or caretaking mixed in with hurting someone can somehow meaningfully complicate or dilute the harm done to the point of making that character no longer a 'whumper' whereas someone doing the same 'bad' things but not ever being gentle or caring for them would just be a straight-out whumper. when like... that's how 90% of irl abuse dynamics work? so i just... don't really get the point, i guess. like to me it implies something about the 'care' provided somehow mitigating or combating the harm done that. i just do not personally appreciate or enjoy.
#gav gab#just thinking out loud#like i don't think that's 'nuance' or 'grey characters' i think that's just an extremely common and typical dynamic of abuse#someone breaking your nose and then cleaning up the blood and tucking you into bed is not less like#violent or abusive or harmful than someone who just stops at breaking your nose yk#and i think that it can successfully be summarized by any number of other ways?#carewhumper is just not useful or meaningful shorthand to me the way caretaker/whumper/whumpee are#it implies that the word 'caretaker' or 'whumper' encompasses 100% of a person's constant behaviour#in a very flattened and simplistic way#please do not come at me about this im not saying this is how everyone means it this is just#how i personally feel about it#due to the way i approach these words#and im not trying to say anyone CANT write about very typical abusive dynamics#im just saying the elements of like. 'good' behaviour or 'kind' treatment#doesn't make the Bad Part any less real or bad#the way that 'carewhumper' being set as a different or distinct thing than 'whumper' implies to me#i just feel insane whenever i see people using the term tbh like this is probably a me thing#a very stupid distinction to get hung up on#but i just. im always like isn't that just a whumper who's nice sometimes#what is the utility of this word if not to imply that#someone being nice sometimes meaningfully combats how cruel they are other times#what part of 'whumper' means they always have to be violent and awful 24/7#and do not take this to mean caretakers are never allowed to fuck up#or do anything wrong or get frustrated#or anything like that but that is like#very distinct from being a whumper of any kind at all#like the idea that a 'whumper' can only be 100% a sadist who means to cause harm and intends to cause harm every time is like#cmon now
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Wolfwood.........
#trigun#trigun stampede#nicholas d wolfwood#trigun wolfwood#trigun fanart#whenever i cant think of anything to draw i just draw wolfwood#lovingly strokes his nose#nobody can take this away#wii doodles#fanart
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DO YOU REMEMBER ME?
CAPTURE YOU OR SET YOU FREE
#I AM ALL I AM ALL OF MEEEEE#anyway oh my god i havent drawn anything properly in 2 weeks . i needed to make any kind of image. here you go#shadow the hedgehog#maria robotnik#sonic x shadow generations#sonic the hedgehog#sonic fanart#lucabyteart#director's commentary: cant stand drawing these little bastards gloves. anyway if you squint or make the image real small#you can see that the shape of the golden spotlight. the inverse shadow. if you will. is in the shape of shadow's head and torso#hard to see at big size but that was my intent. anyway nice to use colours properly again after uhhh. Uhhhhhhhh. Uhhhh. well.#anyway sxsg was good i keep being in awe of the fact that we got like. a new maria appearence. in a game. like for real#like they had to like. think about her. on purpose. and spend hours on 3d models and animations and stuff. and voice her#like shes like an actual character and not some shared hallucination we had in the early 2000s#i feel like im going mad whenever i think about it to be honest. shes real?? maria real???
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You get flustered at any man when you’re in public? Like at the grocery store?
not Any man i still have my own tastes but yea if i look at one for too long, like when i was going to the park and a man would jog past me and id have to avert my eyes lest i start Thinking... less about That Man specifically and more about men in general if this makes sense...
#skunk mail#anonymous#fictional man example but whenever i see the isolated scene of silco with his arms outspread as he sinks into the water#im like oh my goddd men man torso man arms i want to hold *a* man...even if not specifically him#ykwim...its the same when im out and about...man jogging...god i like looking at men#god id do anything to get my hands on one of my own in a more private setting....LMAO#and then of course theres older men being a sort of more distinguished symbol of manhood#and that ties in together with gender too like its not enough to be with and touch a man i want to do it as a man#even though id be the Othered one. idk.#the desire to worship and grip and trace and press and carve and sink and meld goes craaazyyyy#im almost 27 and im still locked in a tower with 0 romantic experiences so this isnt too out there i think#it happens with art too im transfixed by images of men i think of men#caravaggio's incredility of st thomas i want to dig my finger right in#follow the shape and study and simply watch in awe of beautiful art and lament that i cant be the same so ill devote myself to#this wonderful form instead...etc
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fun fact about me is I never listen to/read interviews from actors even when I'm a fan because I never give that much of a fuck but I've been listening to every word out of this man's mouth and constantly thinking about him for the past 9 months...this is bad
#that blonde demon has hypnotised me#this is so embarrassing like i'm a full grown adult studying to be a psychologist and i cant stop thinking about just some guy#and god i wish it was just thinking about him#its more like dissecting his every word and squealing whenever anything new ab him pops up#at my grown age!#i fear its never over.#a kingdom for a kiss upon her shoulder#alright that's all#boyd holbrook
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behold: the ultimate sketchy yin art antics. now featuring the scoundrel's final form (a bat having an existential crisis)
#i'll need to polish these and make a non-sketchy ref at some point but for now this gets all the vital information across#the vital information that they are FLUFFY#yin art#fallen london#fallen london spoilers#i still cant draw animals very well but these came out cute nonetheless#now whenever the scoundrel does literally anything you can hit em with the comeback of 'you are literally aspiring to become a fluffball'#gets em every time.#i like to think they're tiny. roughly spices-size. maybe somehow smaller#both because the species they're based on is a microbat and because their growth is horribly stunted#it's like. the curator equivalent of a plant that hasnt gotten enough sunlight. literally#it's comparatively tiny and diminished. it's a space creature forced into a cave for all of its life as said space creature#it got a rough deal and it refuses to acknowledge that it WAS a rough deal. but it remains rough nonetheless.#it has four eyes and gold-laced horns and wings that look like the night sky with violant stars. what more does it need.#happiness??? being free of guilt???? company?????? preposterous. it's fine. it's fineeeee.#this concludes the habitual rambling in the tags i always seem to do lol#scoundrelventures
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people who do STEM or administration as a career full time and continue to do art as a hobby, I am scared of you but like in a hot way. youre like if we were allowed to have cold drinks in winter. i look at you and think of miles morales with his two cakes. do you want to make out sometime
#i say all of this positively bc i just! i cant help admiring it!! even if its mundane or not a big deal to you i seriously cant wrap my head#around it.. this is in no way at all meant to be condescending or anything. whenever i look at someones bio and theyre like oh im working#as a lab assistant biologist pharmacist realtor etc im like woag.... thats insane.. and then i peep your art tag and it knocks my socks of#how?? what lives do you lead??? im so curious. i seriously want a peek inside your brains someday. or at least shadow you at work lol#i cant help but feel sad when someone says smth like well i have to support myself and art cant do that for me. or maybe you were#pushed into pursuing a 'safe' career bc i hear it a lot. all of my relatives have the same story working as nurses and OFWs for the family#i think for me its not about missed potential but rather its being sad about making a decision to put your happiness aside to get by#ive tried so hard to do it but it didnt work out. i guess watching you guys do it is fascinating to me#or maybe youve made peace with your decision or actually like what you pursued but im still amazed!! it makes me wonder what made#you pick one over the other in that case.. is it like putting time for two different things the way you would for a schedule?? hmmm#im doing graphic design so i dont really interact with ppl in other faculties even humanities like sociology or childcare... so i cant help#wondering what it must be like as someone whos pursuing visual communication both as an interest and career#i seriously wish i could do smth like a desk job or even admin and maybe ill try that if this doesnt work. or i could look into trades#but dyscalculia already makes it hard to do things like cash and mental math so i get overwhelmed if i think about this too hard#yapping
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little tiefling. thank u for ur time
#only little bc she is in my computer you know how it is. not actually little if the +4 STR is anything to go by#alissar#i will make a bg3 version at some point but i think my mods do something unnatural to my pc whenever i open the CC#it does start whirring and perishing#but her hair is that yellowish off-white tint minthara uses. thats important#you cant really see the red outfit details from here. just like trust me
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#Reds such a unique and sad character to me#No matter what he does he is in a loop somehow. both actually and mentally.#He wants change - but he's afraid of it - But he NEEDS it - but its too scary.#He wants to be normal - But normal is boring - But its safe.#Too weird for people - too normal for freaks.#He Likes those two - But getting attached hurts. - But he truly does love them - But what if hes the issue? what is HE hurts them.#and thats why i think transport was such a big turning point. because he does hurt them#He tries his best and does what he thinks will be best.#him being alone so he issnt an “Issue”#And them being happy and healthy in a place where thier needs are met. and they dont have to be scared anymore.#but he fails and he hurts them.#His torture here is feeling helpless and whenever he tries it fails to the point he feels awful.#He has such complex and battling emotions they loop in his head over and over. too the point he cant do anything#thus making him a neutral character.#But neutral issnt a Good thing#Yes he doesnt hurt anything. But he doesnt help or comfort either#He is in a loop inside and out.#Hes drowning.#SIIIGHH sometimes it hurts understanding him /hj. (i know theres like a gigillion ways to interpret him lmao.}#im actuly kinda sad i havent seen anyone else have the idea of him being torn apart inside and anxious tho.#or that he sees himself as a big monster. maybe even due to him leaveing before (trying to help but failing again)#or that hes easy to manipulate. thus creating danger for the other two.#But im just yapping and making a comic based on my thoughts :]#(as ive been a lil mentally ill about string man lately.#dhmis#dhmis red guy#dhmis fanart#dhmis comic#dont hug me im scared
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fuck my dad for making me think i was going insane/thinking i was lying/drug seeking whenever i complained about painkillers not working
#jasper speaks#i feel. angry. or sad im not sure#but he always thinks im just lying whenever i take painkillers and they dont do anything#but it turns out im not even the weird one#but maybe i am the weird one because nsaids dont work either#and maybe being in pain all the time is just some kind of karma#because it already took so much begging and convincing for my doctors to give me lowest dose cocodamol and naproxen#which dont work#and i dont even know what else i could get especially without any serious diagnosises#but we cant even figure out whats wrong theres been so many blood tests and theres just nothing
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bcs i'm aware of how i automatically percieve people, i earnestly try to give the benefit of the doubt a lot. i tend to believe people are Actually Just That Dumb™ when they're joking about something, so i try to get ahead of that & tell myself people are joking when they say something stupid, so that i don't look stupid
all i've learnt in doing that, is most of the time, people aren't joking. they actually did mean what they say, & i made the situation 10× worse by laughing at what they said.
not only does it reinforce the idea in my head that people are Dumb so i need to take the reins on literally Everything, but it also leads people to believe i'm making fun of them for saying something silly & talking to me less, when, if i knew it were a genuine thing they thought, i would have gladly explained it without judgement
but i don't really know how to stop treating them as jokes, because what if they ARE joking so they laugh at me for how Stupid i am for taking the bait? i can't handle being made a fool of, i think i'd rather die
#this is in part bcs my father was like this all the time i believe#i'd talk abt one of my special interests & he'd deliberately say something stupid about it#so that he could laugh at me whenever i explained how it actually worked#a lotta ppl in my family tend to pretend to be dumb around me actually. so i gave up on talking abt science special interests#i do have personal gripes with words like “stupid” & “dumb” so know in my head i Know they're toxic & have ableist connotations#but my automatic kneejerk reaction to things is to think Stupid even if i don't say it bcs of the constantly devaluing of everyone around me#everything's a competition. don't lose or show your hand and things will be better for you.#don't give people a reason to think you're incompetent. isolation is better than risking danger & ridicule so long if it's isolation because#you're on a higher plane than everybody else.#or something like that#it's not that deep#npd#narcissistic personality disorder#cluster b#autism#bcs i cant with tones#i guess this may be a fine way of looking at things on the internet with strangers bcs bait is rlly annoying#however when it comes to interpersonal relationships irl and online it's a problem. especially when logically you KNOW your circle doesn't#rlly have anyone who pretends to be stupid to you so they can laugh at you. i think they will anyways.#if anything *i* tend to be like that to people i like less. i pretend to be stupid abt something so they can mansplain it to me & i get#silent supply off so easily having control over what they're feeling towards me & what they're doing even if they think They have the reins#in the discussion. tho i won't view it as making ppl take the bait & i won't openly mock people#i'm a hypocrite
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Is that meant to be holly being obscured by will here or am i experiencing some sort of wheeler induced optical illusion
#trying to piece together a timeline for any of this is hard since it seems like everyone pretty much wearing the same clothes#like i think mike has changed his shirt like once? twice? in most of the leaks boy if you dont change your stinky ass#meanwhile nancy has an array of various cunty outfits like why is she getting changes but not mike 😟#anyways the only reason im not sure if this is holly is the position shes sitting in looks? off like not the way a 10 year old sits lol#very much need to know if this is before or after karen gets shanked#seems strange that they would involve holly before anything goes down in the wheeler home#anyways have i mentioned how much i hate nancys dress here#i mean its very Rosemary but it just doesnt seem like nancy? whenever shes in her PRIME shes in a good ole pair of pants not#a pink dress and panty hose#seems like shes regressed in some way back to s1 nance#regardless i cant think of any more blondies unless this is just a random kid they have in the barn#OR this is linda hamilton or karen hashtag a girl can dream#holly wheeler#nancy wheeler
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A confession of wishes for a future without you.
Ren sat up from the bed, he couldn't sleep. He's been lying down for hours now, eyes closed even, and yet he still couldn't find his own sleep. Morgana laid beside him, sound asleep. He carefully got up, so as to not disturb him. Making sure to walk quietly in his room while looking for something, anything to help him sleep. A book, a distraction, whatever it is that he can find. So he began his search and not even a minute later, stumbled upon a box. One far too familiar that he froze when he saw it. How many months had it been since he had that box now? He doesn't know, didn't want to keep track of that time, didn't even want to think about anything in regards to it at all.
A small black box with intricate designs painted in red, it wasn't locked, in fact, it can easily be opened. But Ren never did open it. He didn't want to, he didn't want to know what's inside it, didn't want to face the reality that Kaito— that he— that his friend is… He wanted to bathe in the pool of lies he made for himself, that Kaito's sudden disappearance isn't too much of a big deal, that someday, maybe just maybe, he'll come back again. He continued to lie to himself like that, ever since Kaito disappeared.
Perhaps, it's time to face reality once more.
Ren took a deep breath, opening and closing his hand in an effort to steady its trembling, in an effort to gather enough courage to open the box he had been avoiding ever since he first saw it, days after he lost all contact with Kaito. It was hidden underneath the bed, Ren moved it somewhere else, farther from him yet in its own safe place. Just like what he wished and hoped for Kaito as well, far from him yet safe. So he kept wishing, over and over again.
Please be safe, please be safe, please be safe.
That's how wishes work, right? To think it three times, say it thrice, and believe with all your heart for it to be real. So he held onto that hope. No matter how small it was, he held onto it like a precious gem nestled within his palm, threatening to shatter at the slightest jolt.
Ren took a few more deep breaths, until finally, he reached for the box and lifted its lid. In it was a letter, white with a blue ribbon, and a monocle beside it. Ren can feel the gears in his brain coming to a halt, slowly… slowly… it'd freeze in time, but not now, not yet. Mechanically, Ren stood up and walked towards the bed, he sat by the edge, near the window to put an arm on, to lean his body on. For support maybe, for a hope perhaps, that once he's finished reading the letter. Kaito would appear in his white suit with his cape flowing in the wind, the magician in the moonlight.
That's what this is, isn't it? A confession of secrets. He had an idea about it, infamous internationally wanted criminal, Kaito KID was Kaito Kuroba's other identity. He had a feeling that was the case but never pursued the thought, it'd be unfair, won't it? For Ren to intrude into Kaito's secret when he has his own secrets to hide. So it'd just be fair, to not know. To pretend to not know anything. To pretend that the thief he saw on the rooftop that day isn't someone he knows even though he's so painfully aware of it. It's only fair that way.
Ren took another deep breath, swallowing hard as he prepared to open the letter, setting aside the box with the monocle still inside by the window sill.
His heart skips a beat at the sight of his name, written by Kaito's hand.
“Dear Renren,” it starts, “How are you? Knowing you, you probably didn't open this letter until months had passed, I bet! ”
Ren quietly chuckled at that, he was right. Kaito was always too good at reading people. “That's alright though, I won't blame you because I'm such a gentleman,” A small face was drawn there, it looked like Kaito smirking at him, how cute. “I'm sure you've already seen the other item in the box, it was right on top of the letter you're reading now after all! ” He drew a monocle then. Ren held his breath as he read through the next passage.
“What I'm about to tell you, is a confession of a secret! You can't tell anyone about this! This is our own little secret.” A winking Kaito was drawn there, adorable. Ren giggled as he whispered to the wind, to himself, and to the Kaito that wrote the letter.
I promise.
“I'm Kaito KID.” Party poppers were drawn on both sides of that phrase, confetti doodled around it, he really was adorable… “Although… I had a feeling you already knew about this.”
He really was good at reading people.
“It's so anti-climactic doing this on paper too. I wish I could tell you in person instead, I'd love to see your reaction.”
Ren's breath hitched then. His mind slowly drawing a blank, please be safe, please be safe, please be safe. He repeated in his head. Like a chant, a good luck charm, filled with the hope burning his chest, threatening to explode.
“Renren… I know this is kinda cliche but by the time you're reading this, I probably didn't make it after all.”
Ren gripped the paper tightly then, and immediately let go. He shouldn't… ruin Kaito's letter. There was… there was still more to read through… A prank, maybe, a mistake perhaps, please let this be a nightmare he can wake up from. Ren took a deep breath, gathering himself to continue reading once more.
“Hey, Renren, I may not be there while you're reading this but I can tell you're sad right now! Come on, turn that frown upside down! You know I don't like seeing you sad, right…?
…I'm sorry.”
Ren inhaled sharply, pinching the bridge of his nose to stop the urge to cry growing deep inside him, like a dam waiting to burst, a pipe waiting to break, a heart waiting to shatter. It took him a moment to continue reading it.
“I know, I know... there's a lot of questions you want to ask right? And I… I don't think I can answer any of it, after all...
Hey, Renren… How about a magic trick? It'd be hard to pull this off in a letter but here! ” In the next part, four cards were drawn face down, or rather, drawings of four small face down cards were partly glued to the paper, a small tape keeping it shut. “Pick one!”
Ren reached for the second card, carefully peeling off the tape, behind it revealed an 'Ace of Hearts'. Ren bit his lip then, to stop it from trembling.
“Hehehe, You chose the second card, didn't you? And no! Before you start thinking, 'it doesn't matter what card I pick, all of them is the same.' Well, then mister! You can open the other cards to double check it! I assure you that they aren't all the same! ”
And so Ren did. He carefully peeled off the tape from the rest of the cards.
The first card revealed an “I”
The third card revealed a “You”
The fourth card revealed a “Forever”
The last card, was stained with a droplet.
The droplet, was accompanied by another then.
Ren couldn't stop himself anymore. He put the letter on the window sill, slowly, carefully, with a trembling hand, he reached for the box, brought it on top the letter as weight. He reached inside it, for the monocle for him to hold, to steady his trembling hands. Ren sobbed, quietly, soundlessly, he cried in silence so as to not disturb anyone.
“…Ren?”
But that was all in vain at the sound of Morgana's voice.
“Are you… crying?! What happened?! What's wrong?!” Morgana shot upright at the realization, immediately running to Ren's side. Ren couldn't really answer him even if he wanted to, so Morgana looked around for answers. He didn't need to look far.
He stared at the box, at the letter, and at the monocle Ren was clutching. It was enough.
“…Oh.” Morgana's ears drooped and twitched, he didn't quite know what to do, Ren's cries makes his heart ache, he wanted to comfort him but how? Grief isn't so easily comforted. After thinking awhile, Morgana settled upon sitting beside Ren. “I'm… I'm here for you, okay?”
Ren couldn't answer still, but he was grateful for it. Grateful for Morgana, grateful that there's someone there for him while his world was breaking. Kaito was so unfair… selfish…
. . .
Seconds passed, and then minutes, Morgana had found where the tissue box is and moved it near Ren, he had found a water bottle nearby too, placing it just beside the tissue box. Minutes passed, and then hours. The empty trash can that Morgana moved near Ren as well now contained tissues, the water bottle that was once full was nearly empty. And the quiet cries that filled the room turned into quiet sobs.
Morgana rubbed Ren's back with his paw, in hopes of comforting him further. Until finally, Ren calmed down. Enough to take deep breaths to compose himself.
“…Thanks…” He whispered, voice hoarse.
“Mn… How are you feeling now?”
“…Tired.” Ren glanced at the letter.
“Why don't you wait until tomorrow to continue reading it?” Worry was evident in Morgana's voice.
He should, he really should just wait a bit before reading again, that fit of crying made him tired enough to want to sleep already but… He wanted to finish reading it tonight.
Ren gazed out the window, he stared at the sky, as dark as it was that faithful night. He stared at the stars flickering on and off, he remembered the split second he saw the stars reflected in the eyes of that magician as he turned to face them. He stared at the moon, peeking through the buildings, it was a full moon, much like that night. The view of the moon behind a mysterious magician donned in a white suit and top hat with a cape flowing behind him. It was a magical sight that Ren will remember no matter how much time has passed.
Ren took a shaky breath. He reached for the letter, the monocle in the other hand.
“I'm sorry…” Ren's eyes stung, “I deserved to be yelled at right now, you can call me unfair, and selfish, and stupid! You can shout it to the sky, I'll be sure to hear it. But Renren…
Ren. I wanted to tell you how I felt, because I doubt I'd have a chance to say it to you if not now. I'm sorry, maybe I should've told you about it before… this. But then I think, I wouldn't be able to forgive myself for hurting you way more than how you're hurting now, all because of me. Just know that, I love you, and I want the best for you, even if I'm not around you anymore, even if I'm not there anymore. I'll always love you forever and ever! All the times we spent together were the most precious memories I have… Well, had.
Hey, Renren… Promise me you'll find someone else to make you happy, alright? Someone, something, anything! I want you to be happy. You better be looking up at the night sky with a smile! I'll be sure to see it.
I love you, Ren.”
#ariawrites#persona 5#magic kaito#jokid#mkp5#ren amamiya#kaito kuroba#morgana#angst#no tw here i thiiiiiink? its just pain.#okay so like-- smth i didnt get to include here cuz it messed up me and akiren tbf#basically so like that part with the cards. i originally wanted it to just have the normal suits on it#but while i was writing that. and well with sirius' heart in the bg fueling me. the song got to be morse code part#and i was like: hmm i love you-- and it was like a lightbulb went off above my head#sooooo brightly it practically shattered cuz i realized theres 4 cards suits so i was like#ouuouoghhghghhh?????? so yea the card suits got changed to say i ❤ you forever#and basically during my initial idea before i changed it. kaito was supposed to#proudly say that akiren always chooses the 2nd options when faced with 4 options#so like-- hc in this au is that whenever akiren and kaito is tgt and akiren is faced with 4 options#for practically anything. he always chooses the 2nd one cuz for him thats kaito#like-- the 1st and 4th are like walls keeping them safe from danger and the 2nd is kaito and 3rd is akiren#considering the fact that theyre both wanted criminals. kaito esp being more worldwide#and at that point akiren only has speculations but doesnt rlly stop him from thinkin bout 4 options like that#cuz he feels the safest with kaito and want kaito to feel safe with him too so its like--#theyre each others safe place. kaito doesnt know that reason know. mr so observant esp to akiren#only knows that akiren chooses the 2nd option so like i was supposed to write bout#akiren thinkin bout the cute lil reasoning he has as to Why he does it but well the reveal#of the i love you forever hurts so much and hits harder you cant just think at that point anyway
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i know a lot of trans women talk about mourning not growing up a girl and i always thought i didnt experience any equivalent to that (probably for many reasons) but the last couple weeks i realised i think i do and its specifically about not growing up a gay man.
#i wish i hadnt realized this bc now despite my best efforts i can't stop driving myself crazy about it.#but like i never really cared abt not growing up a cis boy bc i always imagined myself being straight#but now that I've imagined myself being gay oh my god this fucking sucks i hate it here.#avpost#also whenever i hear cis gay men talk about like growing up. or being in high school. or their gay awakenings.#its like. im not jealous exactly but i feel like something important was stolen from me and i cant get it back god im so mad#idk also as i get further in my transition i feel so disconnected from my youth like it didn't fully belong to me#but i also don't have anything to take its place theres just a gap there where the life i should've had would go.#and i think its stupid bc its like. whatever who cares about what could have been all i have is what was. why am i making myself crazy .#but i can't help it -_-
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