#when i have to scream over my thoughts
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im not superstitious, im megastitious. i am so scared. please stop doing that
#what's it like to not fear everything#i cant say anything#without going#'stop youre going to jinx it oh my god please dont jinx it'#or worse#when i have to scream over my thoughts#because they're like#oh youre scared of this?#what if#what if i said it#over and over#and got louder as you did#my brain loves to torment me#<3#anyway i am so so healthy#not mlm#dantes talking again
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i love you royal trio (minus akechi)
#i was listening to the world we knew by frank sinatra while drawing this to inflict maximum emotional damage 😔#royal actually shot me fifty times in the chest and slaughtered my entire family#i’m actually inconsolable over the ending what the fuck do you mean akechi chooses to die of his own volition rather than be manipulated#god it’s just. his character actually makes me violent and insane. they’re going to drag me kicking and screaming to the psych ward#he never had an ounce of control over his life. not even once. he was CONSTANTLY being yanked around like a marionette#until he was disposed of as another pawn in shido’s plan#and then out of some cruel irony he was resurrected even though he did not want to be alive#for once in death he would have found peace—only for that to be taken from him too.#and bc he thinks he’s worthless and his life is so easily gambled away he doesn’t view it as a major dealbreaker when maruki brings it up#“do you really think something as trivial as my life should stand in the way of your decision?” yes you fucking asshole#what do you mean he’s literally fated to die in every timeline? definition of doomed by the narrative#there’s not a single version of his story that doesn’t end with him being slaughtered#GODDDDD he makes me violently ill i hate goro akechi so much he’s so fucking selfish HOW CAN YOU NOT SEE THAT THIS DEAL IS TEARING ME APART#i was so tempted to get the bad ending just so that he was alive ☹️#he looked so happy. he was surrounded by people who loved and treasured him.no shido. control over his life. the ability to choose his futu#TEARS IN MY EYES MARUKI WAS THE ONLY VILLAIN WHO WAS LOWKEY MAKING SENSE 😭😭😭😭😭#my toxic trait is that i think maruki was right all along 😔#ALSO SUMIRE AAUUGGHHHH 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#the survivors guilt literally eating her alive until the point where she gaslighted herself into thinking she was her sister. insane.#royal was so good bro i’m so glad i endured 200 hours of hell just to play it#terrible terrible ending with everyone going their separate ways and ren ending up in juvie for months#akechi actually being dead in the good ending is so fucked up 😭😭 i thought there was some way maruki could bring him back regardless#not ren hallucinating him in the last cutscene too 😭😭😭😭 “i still see your shadows in my room” ahh ending#persona 5 royal#persona 5#ren amamiya#akira kurusu#sumire yoshizawa#goro akechi#lotus draws
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george rexstrew deserves awards for many things but i have to say. edwin’s bloodcurdling scream as niko gets killed deserves a whole award unto itself. like. that scream did not feel at all like a tv show scream. to a somewhat jarring degree. and i can’t express how much I respect that
#he has a number of very convincing screams and suffering noises which I imagine was an important prerequisite for the role#but this one is just especially chilling and again. jarring. not saying that the other actors are bad or anything but no one even comes#close to competing with george and its stark in moments like this#another screaming moment that I thought he did really well in particular is far easier to gloss over and that’s#when he and charles are escaping hell and he almost gets dragged down into lust#when he’s screaming out for charles he borderline SCREECHES#throughout that arc in general it’s just incredible but yeah#I think part of what makes it so convincing is that he isn’t afraid to be high pitched and genuinely Scream rather than yell#like. he is clearly immune to being put off by ‘you scream like a girl’ rhetoric#I think a lot of male actors avoid screaming and screeching like that for that internalized reason when. if you wanna be as realistic as#possible. a scream is high pitched. if you’re scared for your fucking life it’s just involuntary#I can also see it being uncommon due to difficulties getting that sound adequately recorded but yeah anyway you get my point#tldr: george rexstrew is great at disturbingly realistic screaming and I applaud him for that#I really hope he didn’t have to retake that part too many times..#his poor throat……….#george rexstrew#edwin#edwin payne#dead boy detectives#dead boy detectives spoilers
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stan twins the canon cptsd brothers i will always think about all your unaddressed issues that would make perfect plot fuel for your spinoff
and also the whole 'stan getting that poem by bill via a website which contrasts with bill getting one from the axolotl via a website' foreshadowing thing
like idk i would love something like su future but like more optimistic, aka not an accumulated breakdown that has to be mostly resolved off screen at the end :/// but something thats being kinda addressed throughout? (although would love to see one of them turn into a monster thats always fun lol)
stan having severe issues from his dad and those years of being homeless that we keep on getting more info on but never really getting confronted on (the drifter catalogue and tijuana incident...), him being completely alone for like twenty years when running the shack before soos comes along to the point that 1998 is noted as his low point, and him not really learning about bill+what he did to ford until ages after he killed him if he ever did get the full context
while i think amnesia and everyone seeing him as a hero actually helped with stan's 'i'm a worse version of my brother' thing its still a lingering issue too and we now got him being insecure over his own hands
ford being immediately thrown from 'being tortured by bill' to 'being stuck in the multiverse and being chased by bounty hunters constantly', him fully expecting himself to die when destroying bill, and him only now being safe for the first time in 30 years ....relatively safe, he's still in constant danger because of course he is
idk in the end the series wants them to be happy and they deserve it, its why i wasn't too worried about the book being like 'ooh bill is back!! and the book is haunting ford' thing cos i knew they'll be ok
#stan pines#ford pines#stanley pines#stanford pines#gravity falls#stan twins#as for the 'still on your mind' thing to me its stan literally thinking about bill despite ford resolving to move past it#or alternatively me on my same coin theory obsession lmao#me yelling and screaming at ouroboros being used to link to the axolotl and bill and how ford didn't actually keep it#which brings up even more questions about it reappearing in the shack when stan takes over#of course even if him realising about reincarnation being a thing i think its still way less to deal with than his actual issues#something something a same soul doesnt mean much when he already proved himself a better person a million times over#idk my thoughts on reincarnation as a concept is like eh??? anyway#also completely unrelated but stan writing fanfic means he knows what soos meant when he was talking about stan fics#soos seems like a gen fic writer especially with the ones we got as those promos#the train one where he comes up with a giant backstory for the setting that has nothing to do with the fic bros is super funny#but meanwhile we have stan the canonical smut writer who had to be writing it that summer#would he be a self insert shipper? would he projecting on the duchess instead? is he both???#i have many questions#then again judging from hows theres a wedding scene that he got super emotional over he might just be a shipper????#this has nothing to do with my original post#...or does it cos the axolotl last appears reacting to stan freaking out about count li--#anyway if you think this post is longer than my usual its cos i physically made myself delete most tags and put it in the actual post
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Finally got caught up with TADC and to no one’s surprise I’m now uncontrollably sobbing over the tragic doomed loving couple
#OUGH… OUGH!!!!!#TEARING MY EYEBALLS OUR AND EATING MY TEARDUCTS!!!! SCREAMING AND CRYING AND THROWING UP!!!!#moots will know that this trope is my kryptonite. *stares at heromari collection*#genuinely though. the parallels between these two and heromari are crazy#like SO CRAZY even down to the minor details#like kinger’s wife (queener??? is that canon or fanon I have no clue)#liking bugs and him being afraid of them#but they’re less scary when she’s there. when she was there :((#OUGHH THEY BOTH TURN INTO SHADOWY EYE-FOCUSED TRAUMA DEMON THINGS TOO AGHHHHHH!!!!! AGHHHHHH!!!!!!!#yeah this episode killed me so much#they remind me SO deeply of heromari and anything that does that is guaranteed to make me cry#kinger’s fort being dark so he can try and remember his memories with his wife… AGHHHHHHHH#that scene in episode two where he started to remember things when he had the bucket over his head the FORWSHADOWING JSJDNSNSJZJ!!!! SHEIEJS#ANYWAY yeah I don’t think anyone’s surprised I like this show. and this couple. and these characters. and cried over them#I have so many thoughts about them and the other characters and the show and EVERYTHING but that will be for another post#for now!!!! I cry!!!!!#tadc#the amazing digital circus#tadc kinger#I would tag wife but I don’t know her name so. ough :(#it’s so sad it’s so tragic ough ough OUGH AGH AGAJEJEJSJSJH.#tadc spoilers#‘you look beautiful honey’ END ME RIGHT FUCKING NOW/j
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the one who pulls the strings (click for better resolution!)
from adamandi by @melliotwrites,, consider this my pitch to get you all to watch it
#beatrix valeria campbell#adamandi#this image was originally too big to save. but like im so tempted to print out the og as a poster to hide somewhere in my bedroom#anyway!!!! adamandi. im so obsessed. i have particular soft spots for vincent and bea they are my comfort characters i love when they appea#especially together. ''keep your deflections rehearsed''... aaah#shoutout to me being very normal (/sarc) about this in studio and showing it to my friends who were very indulgent with me#and also vastly entertained that i have yet again found another musical to obsess over!! shoutout also to my friend who saw bea and instant#instantly did The Face where its like. disbelieving smile. and then went#'' idk if i love her or if i want to be her''#they're so gender. also on another note the whole asian roots things called out to me with lin!! like#the cutting fruit part in the ambrose entry had me screaming internally. oh my god cut fruit. oh my god ambrose Not Getting It.#anyway vincent's so real for all the biology references. science my beloved (<- i no longer takes bio and thus remember it fondly)#also the way they all only care about specific people-ish. i identify with that selfishness tbh. like it's good all my loved ones are stabl#bc vincent's ''this was all a gift for you''? in a darker universe probably me fr#anyways!!! stunning music and lyrics and bg and plot and costumes and acting!!! i cannot give a more glowing review akjdfhdsjk#so much of this lives rent free in my head. i have snippets of the songs memorised.#also shoutout to the shadows on the official adamandi poster.. the stained glass shadows for quincy and blood for vincent.. insane#now tag ramble about this one! highlights include i have been wanting to paint this for a Week and today i gave myself a Rest Day and got i#like this pose. went insane over it. help. the lighting. the pose. the strings#bea is such. lowkey manipulative girlboss i have so many thoughts.#trying to Not have spoilers here but! i like how the tips of the white strings in this little fanart of mine are a slight bit tinted :33#also i moved the layout of the eye-boards a bit and added in strings of them hanging away. i realise in the original they are on stands.#but call this artistic liberties!! speaking of. for the textures it's photoshop noise filter + old paper + literally to my delight#one of the google images for. and i quote. ''old newspaper 1930 usa student'' that i then blurred out. and it looked so good!!!#journalist bea so beloved. i think i messed up the gloves a bit though :OO but nothing's perfect.#discovered this show on a 2am tumblr scroll and watched it thrice the next day as i did studio#the core message of. ''word to the wise- there's a whole world outside'' i am grasping so tight this exam season
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strap in for this week's fic flavor: the failsafe episode of season one of the young justice cartoon except the simulation just won't. fuckin. end.
(fics that inspired this at the end)
If I ever did sit down to make my own fic, I'd split it in 3 parts:
The Simulation: bits and pieces of the 40 years Dick lives after most everyone he knows has died
The Return: the immediate aftermath and healing from the trauma of having not-quite-actually lived a whole life only to wake up and find out it was all fake. nothing traumatizing about that whatsoever.
The Unintended Consequence: aka the twist I'd love to add and would hint to in the second part - finding out the simulation, through martian mind fuckery, pulled from the real world (and in many cases, from real minds). Dick meets a bunch of people he didn't think were real outside the confines of his simulated life. A bunch of rowdy, heroism-inclined teens across the years get to meet the sibling/friend/mentor figure they all dreamed up one night.
(actual idea snippets under the cut)
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Dick Grayson is 14 and most of the world's heroes have died. He planned a suicide mission that left him the sole survivor of a doomed team he helped found. The invasion may have been stopped, but is this really the price he wanted to pay?
The first face he sees in the infirmary is Roy's, and he has to close his eyes and just breathe for a few minutes because for one painful moment he'd thought it was Wally. But this isn't the world where his best friend miraculously survived alongside him. This is the one where he got his best friend killed and didn't even give him the courtesy of following behind him. Behind them.
.
Dick Grayson is 27 and has lived longer without Bruce than with him. The invasion's anniversary is always a tough day for him, but that morning seems especially harrowing. He'll get shit for it later, but can't resist stepping out onto the balcony of the manor's master bedroom (Bruce's old bedroom) for a smoke -- his first since he'd promised to quit if Jason, just 15 then, did too.
"Bad habits tend to pile up," he'd said, a rueful quirk to his tired grin. He'd tapped the cigarette twice on the railing and added, lower, "and this one's especially nasty, huh."
He inhales, watches the sun creep across the horizon, and lets acrid smoke burn through his lungs for a long moment before blowing it out in a small cloud. His eyes water, but he doesn't cough. It tastes just as bad as it did the first time he smoked one, not even a year after the invasion and treading water as Robin proved insufficient.
There hadn't been enough heroes to go around then, and Dick had been trained by one of the best. It hadn't been fair, but it had been his plan that had ultimately stopped the invasion. His shoulders everyone's expectations fell on.
He takes another drag, then smudges the lit end against the rail he's leaned on when he hears a boot scuff purposefully against the roofing above him.
"Todd and Pennyworth will be upset with you."
He doesn't turn around. Damian doesn't jump down to join him.
.
Dick Grayson is 54 and wakes up in a room full of ghosts. He hears his long-dead father-figure tell his long-dead team about a simulation they weren't meant to win. A training exercise gone wrong and only half a day spent under their mentors' careful, if slightly panicked, supervision.
He looks at his hands, watching the way his gloves crease when he flexes them in and out of tight fists. He looks at his team, their eyes a little haunted but shoulders slumped with relief even as they grumble. Batman's heavy, gloved hand settles on his shoulder and the weight of it is a nauseating mix of foreign-familiar.
He opens his mouth. Closes it.
Tears prick his eyes behind his domino mask, and he tells himself the suffocating, acidic void building in his chest is just some leftover side effect of the ordeal and not the grief-guilt of outliving yet another family (no matter that they hadn't been real in the end).
.
Dick Grayson is 16-going-on-56 and well used to the coincidences piling up between his simulated life and the real thing. Some of it -- missions and villains he remembers cropping up -- he's marked for Bruce to review and sort as he pleases. Some -- security for the cave, team building anecdotes, and training regimens -- he's shared with the team. And some he keeps only for himself.
Tim is one of those. He knows it's not fair to the kid (so much smaller now than he ever was when Dick lived his simulated life), but he can't help being selfish just for this. Tim is the one kid he's sure he didn't make up, and if Dick's taken to babysitting the kid just to be near at least one member of the family he built for himself in the wake of the worst days of his life .... Well, anyone who says shit about it can happily stand in line to have their teeth kicked in.
Despite this, it still catches him off-guard when he sees a familiar face pop up in one of Bruce's reports.
Jason Todd, caught boosting tires off the batmobile, is nearly the same age now as he was when Dick met him. He stares at the words, but none of them really sink in beyond the kid's name and address. He's moving before he's even made the decision.
He's used to the world kicking him when he's down - lived it for 40 frustrating years. But he has Bruce again. And things with Tim have been so good. And he's always been selfish when it comes to family. If he could just see Jason. If he could just meet him. If he could talk to him.
If if if if if--
.
Inspirations:
Circles in Shattered Mirrors by InfinityIllusion
Fine (But Not Okay) by CharlotteDaBookworm
Verisimilitude by mutemelody
#young justice#young justice cartoon#batfam#batman#dick grayson#thoughts and headcanons#the heart wrenching inability to cope with the fact that you've lived a fully realized life#you've loved and lost and loved again in the face of every unending tragedy#until you've forcefully carved out this one little safe haven for yourself#only to be thrust back to the beginning of one of your greatest traumas - esp one you're partly responsible for!#gotta love it#anyway i am and always have been obsessed with dick grayson and no one can stop me#the simulation was fake but some psychic bs means real world elements filtered in#cue several children with weird dream-memories of half-lived experiences and a massive sense of deja-vu#when they wade into the superhero world#all i can picture is the spiderman pointing meme but it's the batkids at dick lol#my favorite idea is that once Dick gets his grubby hands on Jason and Tim it's all over from there#he's pulling late nights and researching and scouring facial recognition databases until he finds his kids#(he blurs the lines a lot when it comes to considering them his siblings vs kids#on the one hand they're not super far apart in age bar Damian#on the other he hasn't been a kid in any meaningful way since he was 14 and he very nearly raised half of them in some way#(plus side to an au is that i can space the ages out more as needed compared to the show haha)#jason and cass are firmly siblings close as they are to his age#steph tim and duke fluctuate depending on how in trouble or injured they are#i will die by dick being damian's dad tho lmao#babs is more platonic life partner than sibling but very firmly family regardless#this is the dick grabs on to any shred of family he can with both hands and drags them in kicking and screaming if he has to au
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I love the twins and Yumoto arguing about what being an idol is about and what is important. They have SUCH different motivations for doing things that they fundamentally cannot see eye to eye. Yumoto lives in the moment and is guided by emotions and ideals, while Beppus are pragmatic and goal-oriented in a way Yumoto just isn't.
They're also right that being an idol is business. I know Yumoto has some experience too thanks to Kurotama but theirs is a small, intimate family business, a shop, a service tied to one place manned by two people. Thy're not particularly trying to expand or really compete with anyone. He doesn't know or understand the brutality of massive-scale show business and how it impacts those whose life has been entirely dictated by it since they were likely less than ten years old, who started not out of a childish desire to "just have fun", but because it seemed like a viable means to a specific goal.
also they were manipulated into it by a scummy adult exploiting their young age, loneliness and feelings of literal alienation,homesickness and hero worship to make them his little pawns but this isn't about him
I love how I now seem to agree with the Beppus. Yeah Yumoto is being dismissive and condescending fuck that guy (jokes)
#boueibu#boueibu rewatch#beppu twins#yumoto hakone#lost my trail of thought somewhere this is like one half of an analysis someone take it from here#man i did feel compassion for the twins the first time around#but was just too deep in childish resentment for them to allow myself to REALLY listen#i probably am on some breed of a high horse here but i actually fucking hate the idol industry#i hate it when it's presented as this beautiful meadow of hopes and dreams#what the hell is that.#nothing against the aesthetics and the songs and even the concept of a catch-all celebrity#but the methods..... the absolute control over every aspect of young people's lives and denial of any divergence from a factory-made image#if someone comes into my d's screaming about how i don't get it and have no right to say this then be my guest.#i DON'T get it
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And here we are, at the final Sunday! ('The Final Countdown' blares in the background) Jokes aside, I hope this last chapter doesn't disappoint as the conclusion to this wild ride. It's been a wonderful time, and while I'm sad to see the fic finished it's nice to have something like this finished. I never thought I would be able to write something this long, this involved, and yet here it is sitting every-so-calmly on my AO3 <3 Thank you for everyone who's been keeping up this entire time, and welcome to anyone who was waiting for it to be completed in order to dive in. An especially big thank you to @dbh-bb and @connor-sent-by-cyberlife, as the event and collab partner that made this all possible. For some reason, Tumblr won't let me put this link in all fancy-like, so please excuse the boring link below ; ~;
https://archiveofourown.org/works/58781611/chapters/158487766
The Red Room (162392 words) by rking200 Chapters: 18/18 Fandom: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game) Rating: Explicit Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Hank Anderson/Connor Characters: Hank Anderson, Connor (Detroit: Become Human), Original Chloe | RT600, Markus (Detroit: Become Human), Elijah Kamski Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Human, Stalking, Vomiting, Suicidal Thoughts, Top Hank Anderson, Bottom Connor (Detroit: Become Human), Connor is a Mess (Detroit: Become Human), Hank Anderson is Bad at Feelings, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Missing Persons, Abduction, Manipulation, Death Threats, Mental Health Issues, Zlatko didn't do it, POV Alternating, Slow Burn, Sex at some point Summary: Connor Stern is a law school dropout who dreams of making it big in the music industry. He manages to get into a special apprenticeship program with the musical genius Elijah Kamski and, despite working two jobs and struggling to stay afloat, feels like his dream is finally within his grasp. When Hank Anderson stumbles into the lounge Connor performs at, The Red Room, he becomes entranced with him. As Hank falls in love with Connor's voice, he ends up entangled with conflicting emotions and delicate situations. Slowly, his nights are filled with Connor's songs and his closeness, even if he feels he doesn't deserve it. They reach several roadblocks along the way of getting closer, some more dangerous than others. A collaboration written alongside Connor-sent-by-Cyberlife for the Reverse Big Bang 2024, told with a POV alternating between Hank and Connor. Chapters added weekly.
#hankcon#dbh fic#dbhrbb2024#chapter update#completed fic#not tumblr stopping me from posting this one last chapter lmaoooo#idk why it's fighting me#it just tries to link the link and then gives up >:{ very rude#i really appreciate all of you#i know i'm the worst with replying to comments#there's a part of me that screams not to because of 'inflating the comment count'#which is probably some bs from when I was first writing on ff.net#i also am very easily overwhelmed and a rather introverted person#so i appreciate your patience <3#i can't really believe it's all over#i really thought that i'd have a feeling of satisfaction or pride in my work once it was done#but that doesn't seem the case#i've put so much work into this#it's hard to even quantify the hours spent writing#let alone planning and researching and everything else#somewhere over 400 hours of writing at the very least#you'd think I would be able to muster some kind of feeling of accomplishment#but nope#just the urge to continue onto the next thing#anyway enough ranting#thank you all for everything#I care all of you <3
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Ok so I just watched Our Blue and Green World on the Video App and I do not have enough time to post my disjointed thoughts about it, and I'm frankly too much in shock by the whole thing to even say anything more. I will point out my one main thought since in a couple of hours, this is going to absolutely blow up the main WK tag and I want to get it off my chest before any major bandwagons hit. This'll be my last S7 spoiler related post for the night so I can log off and take a breather after what the fuck I just watched. Blue-whale/Amazon rainforest sized spoilers under the cut.
I am in such disbelief over this episode's ending. I'm not angry or fuming at the fact that they redeemed Paisey Paver after only giving her 7 appearances over the course of 8 years, (or maybe I'm too surprised to have any straight-forward) or the fact that they had the balls to do so, for ANY of the main villains, but I'm just.... bargaining here. They did a similar "hint" at the villains redeeming in the Christmas special only for it to be a fake-out. And in other episodes, we've seen the heroes legitimately help the villains, but through means other than redeeming them (i.e. saving Zach's life and trying to convince him to live it well, or rescuing Gourmand, or giving Donita a spider-silk dress that was made ethically).
This... is a whole new different level. They for one, pulled a Starlight Glimmer and gave her a new attire (which sucks BTW), and secondly, they had her join the Kratts, but this episode is the first out of the 4 episodes to air, meaning that this likely has to take place after those 3 episodes, so already there's my timeline post to make.
But more importantly, what next? Will they stick with this change? Will this be one of the things that is immediately undone by the end of the episode? Will this have a big role in the series? Is this an elaborate April Fools' prank??? Is this real? Is this the ultimate Paisley Paver pro gamer move to defeat the Kratt Brothers and evade arrest? Will any of this play into the Wild Kratts movie??
I'll tell you what it means [unless it is a prank, which I frankly hope it is] It is the show jumping the shark, and in it, I see one of two outcomes. Either A) it will skyrocket this show like never before, or B) only spell the beginning of the end. Time will tell. And frankly, there is so much that could go wrong. Like so much. I've seen a lot of shows completely go downhill, crash, and burn after sticking up for them so much. I would want to say that Wild Kratts is not/will not be one of those shows, but I could be wrong. In beautifully creative ways, this show has pleasantly surprised me more, and it is still able to bring out episodes that have been some of PBS Kids' best. So I'm walking in completely neutral, and seeing what the blue and green future has in store.
Keep on Creature Adventuring you guys.... see you on the Creature Trail... for better or worse...
#wild kratts#season 7 spoilers#wk s7#wild kratts season 7#I am telling you I was screaming “WHAT” over and over again every time when I saw this#Like in a neutral connotation as a legitimate question#What the fuck were they thinking???#Like god I thought this show already jumped the shark when they did the time travel or gave Aviva and Koki suits but no#holy fucking shit#spoilers#spoiler alert#The one thing that I am pissed about is that this could permanently sink my Donita/Paisley ship + the idea of them teaming up#And that's assuming that she's even fully good. Like is this a trick? Is this real? Are they gonna give her a Creature Power Suit??? WHATTT#I can't guys this episode killed me#It was amazing by far the best episode of the series but#It physically KILLED ME. I cannot render at this moment having seen the episode#goodnight guys#paisley paver
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Staring down that weird feeling of feeling like too much or out of place or annoying if I say too much or say things too loud or too off-putting to be like- WANTED in any given social situation. To try so hard to socialize just to- idk. I’d very much like to stop defaulting to that scared kid that was pushed away or talked over until I got old enough and desperate enough to say any and every rapid fire thought that comes to mind. Like filling space when there’s dead air then wondering if maybe I did the Too Much™️ thing again and A. Scared everyone away or B. Pushed everyone away so it would hurt less when they leave BC of A.
Of feeling like I need to be useful or smart or talented or pretty or SOMETHING worthwhile so people want me around. I can just be but then it’s like just being has never been enough for anyone to like- stay. Or care. Running is always a mistake bc it’s like riiiight.. no one noticed you ran, babe. You’re not even at the top of their list people to want around. And just feel so low about it that I talk myself into feeling miserable again.
I’m happy, ive been so much happier lately and i dont take it for granted bc it’s so rare that things go okay or that there’s a sense of peace for a moment. I’m creating again and im less hard on myself about it. I have hobbies again, I’m making friends. And still I’m like seeing the other foot start to drop in real time bc it’s like. You’re in, but are you? That constant nagging voice that sounds so much like my own going “lonely again? Good you deserve it”
#me: there’s time..#also me: THERES NO TIME#now see the thing they don’t tell you about taking lexapro is that you’ll have the motivation and energy to reinvest in hobbies when you’ve#been in depression hell for so long#also thank god it makes the excessive worry thoughts thiiiiiis loud 👌#like nooo babe there’s time#there’s always time if I’m okay with the crushing feeling of splitting my attention TOO much that I don’t connect with either fandom#that’s spooky#shaking and screaming like ‘don’t look at the notes it doesn’t matter’#and it truly doesn’t#sigh#I just keep coming back to that Brennan/hank green clip#where Brennan is talking about feeling like you just /dont/ belong even tho u did commit to trying you’ll always have that scared little#kid at the back of your mind with no friends reconfirming that no one likes you#I don’t know..#in theory people like me#but /i/ can never be normal about it#and I keep like.. I dunno#it’s tough spending your whole life never being the one people seek out#never the one that people WANT to hear talk#constantly feeling like too much and wondering if I should pull back#for people to get weirded out when I pull back#it’s exhausting#and it’s lonely#and even after 24 years I’m still the same insecure kid talking in the group chat while everyone else is silent#like am I too much am I too desperate#even like talking to my mom- who’s opinion of me truly doesn’t matter anymore just constantly interrupt me or talk over me#or ignore me so I’m repeating myself over and over just to give up#personal#fuck
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#can I just. scream for a second#so as is news to no one#we need to start over the entire us medical system from scratch#also I would like to be flayed alive and start over from scratch in the skin department as well#anyway for context: I've had some kind of rash/acne/infection/irritation all over my legs for over a year now#have tried various products and changed habits and products to try and get rid of it to no avail#everyone said you should really just go to a dermatologist#(I was not that inclined to do so bc the previous and only time I'd seen a dermatologist it was not a good experience. very condescending#also I don't like making appointments and stuff. girl I don't have time)#but I decided to be an adult and go (my insurance info seemed to imply I could go with zero copay even)#spoilers: that was not the case#anyway so I show up and surprise surprise: it sucked#she was dismissive and condescending imo. was literally like 'well it could be A B or C but I can't tell'#'all of those are basically impossible to get rid of anyway but the things to try are X Y or Z'#I asked to try Z since X and Y are things that I already tried and did nothing (which I had told her!!!)#but she just kept being like 'you just need to stop picking at it. that's the real problem and that's what's exacerbating your scarring'#(wow thanks never thought of that!) (she also insinuated that my scarring was ugly)#girl I'm not 5 years old I understand.#unfortunately for me that is a compulsion so strong it would probably take years of directed therapy to get me to stop doing that#what I'm here to see you about is to figure out what the problem is and how to stop it from happening in the first place#and STOP TRYING TO MAKE IT A COSMETIC ISSUE#it's causing me pain and discomfort that's the main problem! I would like that to stop!! and me not touching it would not solve that proble#also I wanted to ask her about something else but they were too quick about it. felt very Handled if you know what I mean#but anyway#she gave me a prescription for topical antibiotic which was the thing I had not tried#apparently my insurance doesn't cover it and it's also made of gold and plutonium or something#so she gave me a coupon for it#but get this#when I went to pick it up at the pharmacy they didn't take the coupon#the guy said. 'um this only works for the generic brand. and we don't have the generic brand'
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I’m so terrified of people that sometimes i stare at their socials and think ‘i should talk to them’ and then just don’t and then realise I’m a lost cause and i go back to drawing depressingly
#shoild i tag this as social anxiety#idk#i mean it USED to be anxiety like#but now I don’t even talk to people to actually feel that anxiety anymore soooo#social anxiety#socially awkward#yeahhh thats probably it#the socials also inclide here#even my irl friends are aware of this and say that none of i wouldn’t have been friends with them if they didn’t lovingly bully me into it#im that obvious#i hope you all know that everytime i like or reblog your post that me screaming how mich i adore you and that you’re really cool and#i might just suffocate over how amazing you are because wth#i think thats why im so much more active on tumblr than i ever have been kn anywhere else#because i can freely share my thoughts and stuff and i will never know if someone doesn’t like it becuase ill only ever see people who like#it most of the time#sorry yiu guys randomly get drops of how I actually am irl on here#despite me only ever actually talking abiut ninjago and morro#love my guy morro#sometimes i end uo draiwng those people favourite characters and im just like#wtf#im so sorry im actually also so bored rn#edit but i love when someone i do that to interacts with my post#like you know i exist????
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WHOEVER THE FUCK IS RECOMMENDING MED PPL TO GO INTO RADIOLOGY JUST CUS IF THE MONEY, IM GONNA FUCKING gET YOU
#first i had ai dictacting schedules and now the radiologists just thought there was a AHHGGRHHH#YES. YES U CAN MAKE MONEY GOING INTO RADIOLOGY. BUT DO NO T. JU ST. GO INTO IT. for the MONEY#MEDICINE IS FKING PAIN BCS BUSINESS IS A PAIN & PPL ARE IN PAIN & PPL ARE A PAIN#like it is Very. ppl orientated it's FKING MEDICINE and even if ure a vet or whatever theres obvs usually humans attached fo animals#so like u might not always be dealing with the ppl but ur coworkers who are also being directly accounting#for the ppl SURE AS HELL DO#like yea ppl die all the time but ure telling me u dont gaf when u couldve done something to stop a LIFE#a HUMAN LIFE that was DEPENDING ON U just doing a like tiny action in the grand scheme of ur things#but ends up a major life changer to them even if they dont always have the knowledge to recognize it#and u let them die bcs of the money#i cant fcking STANDDDDDD IT ohmy GAWD.#also like radiology is not all that hunky dory like radiactive is part of the fking name like#UGHHHH LIKE IM SUPPOSED TO BE SCOLDING MY PTS WHY TF AM I SCOLDING MFS FOR MY PTS#anyways yea tho totally just join medicine for the money it's tofally not a massive damage to u n society#but also . fuck society for making ppl feel like they only have this choice or it's starvation bcs thats also so fking real fuc that#but bro at least try not to fuck ppl over once u gain a position just bcs u happened to be in a bad mood today like#medicine is Literally. horror. it's not that 'i watch pimple popping videos haha i can handle it' horror . it's literally.#the horror of treating humans like humans while never allowed to be one urself kind of horror#it's watching a little girl crying and a big bulky father weeping like a small child bcs his wife died#&then u step out the room and a pt throws his poop at u bcs he keeps lying to u abt not having any alcohol &wants to go home but has no ride#wants a million opiods and has been absolutely wailing at ur staff and if he leaves ama it docks u so now u gotta#peruse a bunch of legal documents to try and figure out a loophole on how to get him outta here while also dealing with 60 other pts#on the brink of death or intensely septic and the whole time ure trying to save them u got bitches screaming in ur ear abt the#north carolina fluid shortage like btch fuck that im giving this kid the shit they need to survive fuck off#especially funny bcs theres fluids available but we refuse to buy them bcs theyre for a higher price than our og supplier like ok#anyways#love my life
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I hate when something looks like it would be RIGHT up your alley and the cast is pretty stacked, but there's one person in said cast who is just. Genuinely a horrible human being.
#and then for the sake of. not giving that one person my time or attention or anything. I see no way beyond just not watching the thing#OBVIOUSLY the focus should be the people who were hurt by said horrible human being#that IS in fact the important consideration here#I guess this is more...really just the fact that it happens so often?#because there are COUNTLESS examples to draw from of this particular type of Horrible Behavior and similar variations of it#like the entertainment industry is just. SO bad.#and that makes it unsafe for the people WHO ARE LITERALLY JUST TRYING TO MAKE ART#(and tangentially makes it harder for other people to engage with that art or acknowledge the work those other Not-Horrible people#put in. like congratulations you did direct and lasting harm to others. which in and of itself is a point of condemnation--the MOST#IMPORTANT point of condemnation. and then ON TOP OF that. extraneously. to add insult to injury. you secondhand-ruined#the experience of other people partaking in the sharing of and engagement with art.)#'well mc13 you could just watch it anyway it doesn't have to be done through streaming'#maybe other people could do that but I personally cannot handle engaging with this at all. it would stress me out and sicken me to#the point where there wouldn't be anything good to come out of watching it. I PERSONALLY cannot make peace with that.#I have...a LOT of thoughts on the idea of 'separating art from artist' and maybe I'll scream about them someday. but I do recognize that#there IS some nuance to the discussion when it comes to like...idk. people who have been kicked out of a project and then replaced once#their behavior came to light. or artists who are dead and cannot gain any kind of benefit from people engaging with their work anymore.#and looking at things considering the severity of the behavior in question and whether it seems like reformative justice is possible#like I do think there are things to be talked about. I agree there can't be One Magic Answer For All Cases Ever.#but the fact of the matter is...the hard line for what's actually unacceptable is...virtually nonexistent. and that shouldn't be the case.#this is past MY hard line. which yes does make it inconvenient in the sense of 'I cannot engage with a thing that sounds interesting' but#mostly I am just reminded over and over again of how insidious this industry is and how easily people get fucked up by it and it just...#it's so bleak. I don't want people to suffer when they're trying to make art. I don't want people to be unsafe. I remember when *I* was#experiencing those things and everyone around me was experiencing those things. I do not want ANYONE else to have to#go through that. EVER.#(<-this isn't like. COMPLETELY related to my previous post. I'm trying to organize my watchlist and I'm gonna. have to make some changes.)
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genuinely bewildered at how it's just g@merg@te again. like it's just exactly the same strategy, except now it's a cabal of dark and sinister narrative designers instead of "there are women near my games" but it's like the same fucking thing and I'm so tired honestly
#thoughts#as a dark and sinister narrative designer I wish I was part of the secret club that apparently finance every game with a diverse cast#when I tried to fund my very queer game with a black lead I got told by a room full of 50 white men that “nobody wanted this”#in spite of our market analysis screaming otherwise#and then was ridiculed in front of my men colleagues and told I couldn't be trusted because I would spontaneously give birth#and forget all my dreams instantly#or I was considered the “fun girl” who was only there to present the game (it was MY game!!!)#and for every serious conversation they went to my male colleague behind my back#so yeah I want in on that sweet diversity money pleaaaase#without having to debase myself to get it#this is so fucking stupid#(and like there are things to be said about the handling of DEI in corporate settings)#(I had almost nothing but bad interactions with such structures personally)#(but it was because it was a tool turned *against* minorities to speak over them and police their self-expression most of the time)#(for the sake of corporate interests or to protect the feelings of whoever was in position of power)#(so I think there are conversations to be had and it's actually a pretty complicated subject that can get VERY VERY messy)#(but yeah this aint it gamers)
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