#I think a lot of male actors avoid screaming and screeching like that for that internalized reason when. if you wanna be as realistic as

[edwinisms]

george rexstrew deserves awards for many things but i have to say. edwin’s bloodcurdling scream as niko gets killed deserves a whole award unto itself. like. that scream did not feel at all like a tv show scream. to a somewhat jarring degree. and i can’t express how much I respect that

[creativeashproductions]

Pregnancy Test Roulette // Charlie Gillespie

Summary: As a college student living with your three best friends is the best and even better when they get along with your long-term boyfriend. However, one of your best friends decides to film a video inspired by another tiktok video. You just had to jinx yourself.

Warnings: Swearing, unplanned pregnancy, allusion to abortion (doesn’t use the actual word), college, and reader has a gender-neutral roommate and best friend named Lu.

Words: 2.4k

A/N: This inspired by a video I watched of someone announcing her pregnancy by taking a test with her friends. They each took one and put in a box to shake and hell exploded with the positive, the actual person was aware before the pregnancy roulette

Masterlist

They say your ’20s are your best years and maybe that comes from being able to bounce back from a night out with your friends. A night that turned your memory into episodic moments you could recall and others you had to guess about. Maybe it’s because you’re in the years where you aren’t under lock and key with your parents but not at the point where you’re expected to have a marriage, kids and mortgage.

It was the sweet spot in life. Now you didn’t drink as much as you did your first year, but you did enjoy the odd glass of wine occasionally—a beer with your older brother or a shot with your best friend. But more often than not you were in bliss nestled into your boyfriend’s side watching an old movie with a bucket of popcorn you had argued over who would make. However, Charlie was in Vancouver filming for Julie and the Phantoms leaving you in your house for the upcoming season. The home you shared with your three college friends to save money but not be stifled in dorms.

“I have an idea!” Sophie spoke, sliding into the living room in her thick socks with duckies on them. Her sudden appearance received both Alice and your attention from the movie Bad Moms playing.

Sophie’s recently dyed blue hair concealing her face from you as she flipped the long strands from her hair. Her bright brown eyes glittering with the same happiness that typically exuded from her.

“What’s this idea?”

“Where’s Lu?” Sophie inquired scanning for them in the room, “Did they have a date?”

“Nah, I’m right here Phee,” Lu announced their presence from the kitchen island going over work emails.

Sophie quickly dragged them from the counter to Alice and you on the couch with a box in her hands. Everyone in the room shared a look as the blue-haired girl went into one of her tangents that could continue indefinitely.

“Phee, calm down. What do you want to do?” Lu questioned whereas Alice had leaned forward to grab a look at the box.

“I think the best question is: what does it have to do with the box of pregnancy tests in your hand?” Alice asked flicking her ocean blue eyes at the girl sheepishly looking at the group, “Do you think you’re pregnant?”

“What! No! I thought it would be hilarious to take a test each and put in the box.” Sophie replied, pursing her lips together with a pleading look in her eyes, “Plus I wanna know how you do it…?”

You sighed with a shake of your head, “You saw this on Tiktok. We’re all damn careful at preventative measures. There’s no harm in taking the test. Hand one over.”

Sophie was quick to hand you a test along with the rest of the group before splitting off to the attached bathroom to your master suite room. You hadn’t even fought for the room when you moved in your sophomore year of college. Lu had been quick to announce that as the only one in a relationship Charlie would be over and they didn’t want a show.

The instructions were straight forward enough you had capped the test brought it the hallway to drop in the box held by Sophie. The camera catching everyone as they did so. Lu followed with their test followed by Alice, and you wandered back to your seat in the living room.

“Is there a reason you made us pee on sticks?” You inquired grabbing one of the decorative pillows Alice had bought. It was mostly Alice’s touch that brought the living room together with her minor in interior design.

“I thought it would be fun.” Sophie simply shrugged joining Lu on their couch, leaving Alice back in her seat.

The movie still paused as per Sophie’s request, so no one forgot about the tests waiting to be revealed. You had no clue why it mattered to not forget about them, as you had said before. Everyone had a pact to keep up on contraceptive, hell there’s a box near the hallway filled with condoms. Everyone just added a few to the box if it was lower than twenty squares.

“Okay.” Lu trailed off, clicking their fingers on the phone in their hands. Their attention is easily taken away from the game Sophie wanted.

Sophie was always jumping on trends on Tiktok, a few even before they became real trends, so this wasn’t anything new. Sophie even had a few viral videos on the app that sometimes took all her attention for a few hours. That being said, you weren’t overly scared about the outcome.

“Ooh, Charamader is calling.” Lu snorted leaning overseeing the cheesy photo of Charlie kissing your cheek. His contact photo in your phone had been taken by Luk as well.

“One moment.” You told Sophie with her wide eyes pointedly staring at the box on the coffee table littered with magazines, “It will be a second!”

Sophie waved you off to the kitchen where you clicked on the green button.

“Hey!” Charlie beamed from the kitchen on the apartment he shared with Owen during filming. His wide eyes crinkled by the grin he wore, “What’s new? How was that exam?”

“I think I did a lot better than I had expected.” You admitted to the Canadian guy brushing the hair away from his face. He had to recut to Luke’s style when filming for the new season happened.

“I told you!” Charlie cheered, flipping his gaze from his phone to the pan he was carefully inspecting, “How lucky am I? My girl is going to graduate with a fancy degree! I’ll be front row when it happens.” 

“Just as I will be right there when you win an Oscar.” You teased your boyfriend as Sophie loudly counted down from the living room. Charlie’s attention was drawn to the trio of your best friends waiting.

“Did I pull you away from something?” Charlie’s brown brows furrowed as he mentally went over the plans you had informed him of.

There wasn’t a single plan he remembered so he relaxed marginally when the fear of missing something faded.

“Sophie’s made us do this video for TikTok. We’re halfway through-“

“Hey Charlie, she’ll call you back. We had pregnancy tests to check!” Sophie interrupted ending the video call with your boyfriend.

Both Charlie and you frantically talking as Sophie ended the call with that bomb and not clarifying further on it. To take it further, the blue-haired beauty pocketed your phone as well to avoid her video being interrupted.

You had no doubt the Canadian actor was freaking the fuck out that you were taking a pregnancy test. If he was spamming your phone, Sophie wasn’t reacting to the vibrating other than to aggressively point over to the couch.

“Just text him,” Sophie grumbled throwing your phone back at you when the line formed between her eyebrows. The frustration of Charlie overcoming her excitement for the video.

“PREGNANCY TEST?” Charlie screamed as soon as you accepted his phone call, “Am I missing something?”

“Sophie wanted to do a video of Alice, Lu, her and I took one. We’re good.” You soothed the ruffled feathers of the male who released a gasp.

“Sophie, you gave me a heart attack. Holy shit, I just about knocked Owen unconscious.” The man in question was speaking, but you couldn’t hear the words he spoke, “What! I thought my girl needed me!”

“I’m Charlie but I won’t if I don’t end the call-“

“We can mute the call.” Charlie interrupted dancing on the balls of his feet with anticipation in his blood even if you had denied being pregnant, “This sounds like-”

“Nice try Gillespie. Y/N will call tomorrow, it’s roomie night.” Lu spoke before ending the call for you just like Sophie had, “AS much as I like the dude, this is getting interesting.”

You simply shared a look with Alice as Sophie expertly stationed the camera to get everyone, Alice was the one to shake the box again. Each of you was given a test to hold with snickers falling from lips. Lu’s hand ran through the recently chopped hair while Alice repositioned her body on the floor.

“Okay…one, two, three.” Sophie calmly spoke before flipping her test around. Everyone followed suit.

“Negative.” You informed the group. Lu was quick to announce the negative in her hand.

Sophie simply shook her head before everyone turned to Alice, “Alice?”

 The brunette pixie-haired girl stared at the test before she lunged for the box, “What’s a positive?”

“Why-“

“The test is positive!” Alice snapped shakily reading the instructions as she gripped the test in her hand. Her lips mouthed the words she read with a speed that greatly impressed you.

Everyone was huddled around her after Sophie had ended the video in pure shock, reading the test that very much said positive. Your lips parted in stunned silence sitting back on your heels just as Sophie did.

“Who’s test is it?!” Sophie exclaimed roughly running her hand over her face, “Holy shit.”

“Not mine.” Lu informed the group with a nervous smile on their face, “The last person I was with was Susan from Statistics.”

That left three people.

“Eliminate the options.” You breathed looking at Alice, “Wasn’t the last guy you were with a few weeks ago? Jas or something from-“

“Jasper from my Mythology course, but that was like four months ago! I’ve been swamped with classes and work.” Alice spoke with a small smile, “He was terrific. I should see if he’d like to grab a- “

“Not the time Alice!” Sophie screeched frantically looking around the room, “Oh my god, what about you?”

Sophie’s eyes came down on you with a pleading look in her eyes at this very sudden twist on her once innocent game. Your mind went over the last few months, but you were blanking at every opportunity.

“I can’t. Shit. I need to call Charlie.” You grumbled tapping the screen of the phone, “Alice, can you go grab a box of tests from the store? We used all of them.”

“-grab as many as possible!” Sophie cried, shaking in her slippers and cosy clothing. This was not how she had expected the night to go.

“I thought it was roomie night.” Charlie spoke as soon as the phone connected, “Something wrong?”

“When was the last night we had sex?” You inquired, leaving the man in Canada to choke on his beer.

In Vancouver sharing a beer with Owen with a film that had interested the pair playing Charlie hadn’t expected your call. Owen barely blinked at the interruption when the movie was fascinating, but he did turn when he heard Charlie choke.

“W-what?” Charlie coughed wiping his chin with the back of his hand, “Is this some weird part of a card game-“

“Charlie, when was the last time we had-“

“Jesus, I stayed the night before we left for the airport two months ago? We had a quickie in the bathroom at the airport as well.” Charlie scrunched his face recalling the lack of time he had been physical with you. His face turning red with Owen’s full attention on the flustered Canadian actor.

“Everything good?” Owen asked his best friend but only received a wave off.

“You sound scared. Is everything okay?” Charlie now demanded while your lips parted to ask if it was possible the condoms you used broke. The frantic breathing of Alice interrupted you, however.

Your e/c eyes found the pixie-haired girl leaned over, catching her breath with the box in her hands. Without thinking, your phone fell from your fingers as you lunged to the box with three tests. Alice had thought ahead and bought a box each for you and Sophie.

“Sophie’s waiting in the living room. Lu’s got her.” Alice softly told you both deaf to the two males on the phone, “I’ll be right here.”

“Thank you, Alice.” You choked marching into the bathroom, “If it’s me…I-“

 “If you’re the one pregnant, then this baby will be blessed if you decide to continue the pregnancy. If you don’t, I’m right here for you. If you’re not pregnant, we can do a couple shots.” Alice squeezed your hands unintentionally, sending Charlie into a frantic moment once more.

Your feet stopped suddenly remembering you hadn’t hung up the phone with Charlie, “Fuck.”

Alice, already reading the situation, tossed your phone to you with a smile as she sat on your bed. With a thankful one sent back, you entered the bathroom with your thumb, clicking the FaceTime button.

“This is the second time!” Charlie exclaimed scanning the background for one of your roommates, “I thought you weren’t pregnant!”

“So did I! Until one of four tests turned out positive, and now I have three more tests I need to pee on!” You exclaimed, “I jinxed us! I literally said how all of us are so good keeping up with preventative measures!”

“Apparently not as well.” Owen spoke, shoving his head over Charlie’s shoulder to see you with his kind smile, “Can you take three slow but deep breaths for me?”

With a few words coaching your breathing, you calmed down enough to mute the call and turn the phone to the ceiling for your privacy. Once the toilet was flushed, tests capped waiting on the counter, and your hands washed, you turned back to the call.

“What’re we gonna do Char?” You sobbed with a deep ache to be in his arms just as he felt the same, “We don’t live together! How can we do this!”

As Owen had led you through the calming breathing, Charlie had dug deep to calm down eternally for you. He found clarity even in the storm of being terrified and somewhat guilty, which he knew was misplaced.

“If you’re pregnant I’ll be there for you. No matter what, I will be there for you. If we keep the baby, we will rock parenting. We have friends and our family.” Charlie soothed you with his pretty hazel eyes glittering at you, “We’ve been together since we were eighteen. We’ve talked about marriage and kids.”

“Should I le-“

“You can stay.” You softly told Owen who squeezed Charlie’s shoulder while you sat in silence with Alice quietly sitting by your side.

Alice’s hand grabbed yours in comfort and support, waiting for the minutes to end and when they did you cried.

Separated in different countries you and Charlie took in the news that there was, in fact, a child on the way. Charlie’s lips parted in glee as he easily read the excitement in your facial expressions amid the fear.

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[pippin4242]

Wonder Woman: A Marvel fan's perspective

I've just made it back from the local premiere of DC's Wonder Woman and I want to share my impressions with the internet right away! I'll do my best to keep it spoiler-free, because I really want people to go and see this film.

I don't want to be one of those fans who starts a review with I'm not a fan of her music, but, but I think my perspective is very much influenced by my taste in comics, and I want to disclose that right away. I've read maybe a couple of dozen DC trades in my time, including a healthy dash of Wonder Woman, but I'm nowhere near appreciating the breadth and depth of the canon in the way I do with Marvel. I'm the Marvel fan who sat through the credits getting excited over the special thanks given to Lee, to Rucka, to Wein. I nearly fell out of my goddamned chair when I realised the screenplay was credited to one Allan Heinburg. THAT'S RIGHT, TRUE BELIEVERS, YOUNG AVENGERS ALLAN HEINBURG! (And it shows, so if that's your jam, hie thee to a cinema, stat!) So maybe I've missed some stuff or maybe it's given me some insight. I don't know. All I know is it was a fucking great film and I'm usually a judgemental bitch about this stuff, so take from that what you will.

In a sentence: Wonder Woman is an excellent origin movie which doesn't overly linger on the foundations of its story, and which pays credit to its setting and the history of the character whilst managing to make reasonably meaningful statements about the bigger picture in war, through a decently intersectional feminist lens, and almost devoid of the male gaze.

I don't know very much about the decisions made in changing the setting of Diana's origins from WWII to WWI. I wondered if it was something to do with being less on the nose with Gal Gadot's Israeli heritage, but as it happens, there were some strikingly vivid depictions of the German instruments of biological warfare, perhaps more so than I've even seen in WWII films. Perhaps it was merely to differentiate between Diana and Captain America; perhaps it was to show a global war with more immediate physical impact upon civilians and fighting people. I would say this: it worked, it was fine, and the setting it gave to the world outside Themyscira when we got there was rich and deep.

The Themyscira of Wonder Woman was, oh blessed relief, a Paradise Island filled with women of different races and body types, up to a point – they were presented as very much a warrior people, and unfortunately, there were no fat women in the foreground. The geography felt real and lived in, and the island, cut off as it was, seemed to make sense. The costumes were not something I was thrilled about from promo shots, but in motion seemed to work much better: the desaturation of Diana's costume appeared to be to portray it as colourful leather, and it flexed and moved quite well with her body in motion (and boy, did she get a range of motion!). The Amazons of Themyscira, absent of the male gaze, absolutely did practice the art of fighting in skimpy clothing, and wore makeup – some of them, lots of makeup – but the camerawork rigidly avoided the male gaze. They emoted, they argued, they fought and they loved – the only part which irked was the total absence of body hair. But god, at least some of them weren't white! And her mother had WRINKLES and THIN SKIN AROUND HER COLLARBONE and SCARS. These are things I've never seen in a superhero film before.

The fights were excellent to my untrained eye. The clash between traditional and modern weaponry wasn't as viciously overwhelming as I've seen it in some iterations of the comics, but that was probably to the benefit of the film: the Amazons gained in perceived competence when they were able to use their weapons well even when appearing outgunned. This also allowed for the only obviously gay moment, meta aside – subtle enough to presumably get past censors worldwide, but still very clearly a moment between female lovers to any viewer who regards gay people as human. (Look! This is what happens when you let Heinburg write stuff! He's going to stick gay heroes in it and everyone's going to have a good time.)

Steve Trevor – Chris Pine, didn't know that until today – was pretty decently cast (my main issue being that he looked a bit All American to pass for a German soldier) and genuinely well acted. He swayed between wide-eyed innocence and awkward heroics brilliantly, clearly realising from the outset that he represented all of the wider world to Diana, and as such had a responsibility to her. Unlike the dryer DC films, the cinema where I watched, with a full house, was often shaking with laughter – unlike during the Marvel films I've watched, there wasn't one cheap shot. Instead, the humour came from actual wit, not quips – this was war, there wasn't any time for quipping. The wit was inferred by the audience. Here, a small sample: Diana sees Steve bathing. He is embarrassed and goes to cover himself, but not quickly enough. She stares for a while and asks him if he is considered to be an average member of his sex. His palpable despair at the nature of the question got perhaps the biggest laugh of the entire film (he bluffed that he was “considered an above-average specimen” initially, but that streak of toxic masculinity was soon knocked out of him).

Diana, meanwhile, was genuinely a good fit. Again, having seem promo shots, I was halfway to despair – she really does have a slight figure, and I don't think all the hard training in the world would bulk her up all that much. But oh, how she must have trained – she was no stuntwoman like some of the Amazon actors around her, but her muscles were clear and defined, and she carried a weight through the cinematography. A fall from on high would be met with a camera-shaking THUD into the ground. There were loving close-ups showing a lot of bicep when she hefted great weights above her head. Her thighs wobbled! Again, this shouldn't be news in 2017, but it hasn't happened yet in Marvel. Her accent was great – I presume it's her natural accent, and that the other Amazons were supposed to match to her? Unfortunately, some of them slipped into British English from time to time, to my well-trained ear, but it was really pleasing to hear a non-American American icon sounding... non-American. There was possibly a little unintentional humour to be taken from the fact that her key name 'Steve' didn't sound very natural to her tongue, and tended to come out more as 'Stieff,' but it was kind of sweet, the film didn't linger on it, and it wasn't really an issue. Her portrayal of Diana oozed charm and demanded respect. This was a young Diana, certainly – a Diana whose people are still keeping secrets from her, who wants to charge into battle and take the head of the enemy leader – when the battle is World War One – who believes extremely firmly in her gods even when her countrywomen might doubt – but whose groundings as a great leader are being found throughout the film. Gadot was utterly convincing as the ingénue who knows more than every man in the room put together. A balance was found with disarming ease in the script – she knows nearly every language and outfoxes the British government – but she genuinely doesn't see the point in trousers, and just about screeches with delight the first time she sees a baby.

On sex: my partner, who's ace-spec, said she felt a little alienated by the obvious inclusion of a sex scene. Me, I've read some Wonder Woman, and I think I would have been a bit insulted if there hadn't been any explicit attraction between Diana and Steve at all. In every iteration of the story, it's still the story: the first Man to the Island Of Women brings with him War, and the young Diana flees her mother's rule, falling for him and fighting for justice. I believe that the film could have managed without a sexual attraction between the characters, but I think it's a worthy nod to the history and a decent element of complexity for both characters, especially given the minor character reveal for Steve which takes place just as they're getting close to one another. The film isn't lost to slow gazes into each other's eyes – it's more clever than that; it uses small ideas to represent big ones. Sex is here because war is here. Glory is here but so is pain. And there are other joyful nods to her comic continuity: for those who it would really upset, I feel I must make it clear that her traditional origin story is here, but so is her New 52 origin. (I didn't have to dig to know about the conflict there - the Marvel fans heard DC readers screaming over that one). Despite my misgivings the moment it became clear that the film was going to Go There, it wasn't made into something which wouldn't work outside a feminist reading – more that Diana's people are more emotionally complex than she knows, that even the most loving of mothers can keep secrets. It didn't rankle, and I'd really thought it would. And Etta Candy was there! And the named villain she kept coming up against was Dr. Poison! Honestly, to my untrained eye they both seemed PERFECT. Etta was a fabulous blend of side-eying quirky realness, who got to throw out nice little jabs about corsetry and getting The Vote which kept us very firmly rooted in the time period. Dr. Poison was wide-eyed genius and vulnerability – the perfect locus for the film's musing on whether war is inevitable, whether humans are driven to destroy one another by their own ambition and pride. With incredibly few lines she gave a commanding performance. I won't go further into defining roles played by other actors, because there's a nice few surprises here and there – I'll say this: the casting is great, and some Marvel pitfalls of overly screen-perfect costuming and dehumanising armour were deftly avoided.

Where the film truly shone to me was in its intersectionality. I'm SURE they could have done more, they could always do more. But given that this was a Wonder Woman film, and that we were bound to get a pale Diana and Steve, it did so much within that! From the minister played by David Thewlis, who (without comment) walked with a cane, to Etta's charmingly full-figured portrayal – overlooked and overworked by Steve, a plot thread they didn't pull hard on, but which added depth to the characters and their social networks, and which felt very believable. Crowd shots were incredible for this: a sea of soldiers with white faces, and amongst them, near the centre of the shot, a black soldier, for this was England during the war, and not America, and our forces weren't explicitly segregated. His uniqueness in the image made him the focus, not the novelty. There were older women staffing the medical services, there were soldiers in tam o' shanters, there were even Canary Girls for one very distinct shot, and I had to tell my English girlfriend who they even were. And here's something I'm annoyed with Marvel for again – the ease with which this film handled everything, when Marvel can't even get Carol fucking Danvers on the screen after god knows how many box office crushing successes. I don't know if there's any version of Diana's origin story where she and Steve join forces with a ragtag group of international fighters, but my god, if this is how DC are going to handle characters who seem suspiciously like Marvel's Howling Commandos, they can fucking have them. It was great. It never touted American exceptionalism, and there were some fantastic callouts, like Diana trying to find out who destroyed the way of life of The Chief, played by Eugene Brave Rock, and finding, simply, that he could point to his sleeping ally, Steve, and say “his people.” Yes, yes, yes. Saïd Taghmaoui was outstanding as Sameer – the sort of person who flourishes in historical accounts and novels of the time, but who we never seem to get on screen – a highly educated man who manipulates and fleeces others, because he wanted to be an actor – but he was “the wrong colour.” Ewen Bremner – Spud, from Trainspotting, as Charlie, fell a little flatter for me – there was nothing inherently wrong with his portrayal, but speaking as a Brit, I think the world has enough cowardly drunken Scots characters, even if they're brimming with sadness and complexity in response to a world gone mad. DC Bombshells has a Steve Trevor who explicitly suffers from PTSD, rather than transferring trauma into a more minor character – probably this wouldn't have been something they could manage in a two-hour film, but it was a shame, and it was a little dehumanising, as he was the only Scottish character, even if he was totally believable. Steve certainly had his moments of vulnerability, which I very much appreciated, even so.

Cinematography-wise, I think the film fell into some familiar traps. There was an irritating amount of blue and orange, though it wasn't half so pronounced as other action films of the last decade, and there was a wonderful scene where the colour scheme was used as a fakeout and faded into glorious bright golds. Still, the hyper-colourful ending credits were a tantalising reminder of the richer, more fully-realised world we could have had. The sets, however, were fantastic, and felt grimly realistic throughout the war scenes. The single tiny point I thought seemed historically off to me turns out to be something I was wrong on – pebbledashing for the exterior of buildings, iconically used on 1930s homes in the UK, was actually used in the 1910s for outbuildings. There are probably costuming, accent or set design mistakes somewhere in the film – in a production of this scope, there always are – but I couldn't find them, not once.

Score was fine – it's not what I go to the cinema for, but it seemed like it was used well and in all the right places. A couple of bits were good enough that I briefly wondered if it could be Howard Shore – it wasn't, it seems to have been a bit designed by committee, which I suppose is par for the course with these things and why I liked Shore so much in the first place. The ending theme's composed by Florence Welch of Florence + The Machine, however, and performed by Sia! I have no idea if it was good – as always happens at my local cinema, they brought up the lights straight away and everyone started talking loudly.

Essentially, whether it's a perfect film and whether it will stand the test of time is a different question as to whether it's a good Wonder Woman film, which it absolutely is. Were the themes clever? I would say they were consistent, and not guilty of overreach. Wonder Woman is at its heart a narrative about whether humanity and civilization should be worth the time of a godlike figure from a paradise civilization, and, by association, for ourselves. It wasn't hammered home, if that's not your kind of thing, and it's handled better than your average war film. Was it improved by a screenplay written by a gay writer who usually handles the small screen, and who's written for comics in the past? My god, yes – and was it improved by its direction by a woman – Patty Jenkins – known for her work with intense female actors? Yes! Should you go and see it? If you like films or comics, it's definitely worth it.

[askkopcommunity-blog]

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Rating The Super Bowl Commercials

Posted by Alexander Wolfe, Feb 3, 2008 10:06 PM

As always, the real contest at the Super Bowl was among the commercials. (Admittedly, the game, in which the Giant upset the Patriots 17 – 14, was exciting, too.) On Fox, there were some 50 ads, which went for upwards of $2.7 million for each 30-second spot. Based on the preponderance of beer ads, it must be an American truism that you can never be too rich or have too much Bud Light.

  There were also a surprising large complement of tech- and Web-site ads, which gives me my excuse for blogging this Super Bowl ad report-card. Dell (Dell), Go Daddy, Garmin (NSDQ: GRMN), Careerbuilder.com, and T-Mobile were all represented, albeit in mostly tepid fashion.

  In crowded marketplaces, as in life, sometimes the best way to get one’s message across is to speak softly.

  That was the case with the best commercial; admittedly not a huge honor amid such a weak field. Nevertheless, my winner is “Doritos Sing Along,” which stepped back from the smart-ass ad agency meme to feature a new singer, one Kina Grannis, doing her song, “Message From Your Heart.” There’s an interesting back-story here: The ad came out of Doritos’ “Crash The Super Bowl Challenge,” which Grannis won, along with a contract from Interscope Records.

  In a less high-minded vein, I’m forced to admit that the most memorable ad was “Booooood Light.” This commercial for Bud seemingly attempted to flip stereotypes about non-English-speaking Americans on their ear, but only ended up reinforcing them in the most boorish manner. (Which is why this also was probably the worst among the Super Bowl ads.)

  Here, then, are my ratings, in the order in which the commercial appeared during the Fox broadcast (tech ads noted via red titles):

  1) Bud Light Dinner Date Fire-Breathing Guy. Unusually well-manner guy — presumably he hasn’t started tanking up yet — having dinner a deux at his date’s apartment. Demonstrating his biggest skill before the meal is served, he lights the candles the way most people blow them out. But then her cat enters the room and, being allergic, his sneezes ignite the rest of the room. Smokin? A little. B

  2) Audi Godfather. Stealing a scene from the Coppola classic, a guy wakes up screaming, but to a car grill, not a horse’s head, in his bed. Interesting, if contextually misplaced, reference. Points for reinforcing the automobile’s brand; I’m mean, who even knew Audi was still a factor in the U.S. market? B

  3) Diet Pepsi Max Announcer Guys. SuperBowl announcers Troy Aikman and Joe Buck appear on screen, so you almost think the game didn’t cut to commercial. But no, they’re “announcing” the intro to a commercial. A boring commercial, which doesn’t tip its hand until way too late to get me excited about Diet Pepsi Max. Pass me the Diet Coke. C

  4) Animated Salesgenie Guy. I’ve always wondered about Salesgenie.com. Do you get 100 free sales leads, or do you get 100 free leads that work? The guys from Glengarry Glen Ross want to know. D

  5) Terminator: Sarah Connor Chronicles. House ad for Fox series about a superbabe with a steel plate in her head. (I’m not rating the house ads or the public-service announcements.)

  6) Bud Light Cheese Wheel. Guys acting stupid over football and beer in the kitchen, while the pretty girls are left alone in the living room. What’s wrong with this picture? The commercial’s mildly effective, though, at tying the watery beer brand to youthful male camaraderie. B-

  7) UnderArmour Nation. Another ad which was hard to place, I’m thinking, this has gotta be a Nike ad. Not the strongest brand when your ad’s look-and-feel suffers from such apparent me-too-ism, even more so when this company apparently occupies a unique niche as a purveyor of form-fitting athletic wear. C

  8) Bud Light Screeching Animals. A bunch of rodents and an owl wailing as a car speeding down a winding country lane comes dangerously close but manages to avoid turning them into road kill. Not driven by a Bud Light drinker, I hope. What was this one about? Couldn’t tell until the end, when the Bridgestone tire logo appeared. B-

  9) Doritos Sing Along. The one straight commercial which didn’t need schtick to make its point. The ad wasn’t about the chip, but rather has a new singer, one Kina Grannis, doing her song, “Message From Your Heart.” Very nice. A+

  10) Prudential Retirement. Not memorable, though one might wish that these ads would be the ones that’d stick with you, rather than the booze commercials. We’d all be happier in our old age. C-

  11) Derek Jeter for Gatorade. Who doesn’t like Derek Jeter? Plus, there’s no steroid taint. This one wasn’t flashy, but it’s effective. B

  12) Go Daddy. This one hints at the Web domain registrar’s infamous Super Bowl ad of several years back, where a busty babe was poised to drop her top before a committee of superannuated Senators. (Hope they had a CPR kit handy.) This time, race car driver Danica Patrick, seen on a video screen — how meta is that? — threatens to peel down the zipper on her top. Why? Still, you gotta hand it to these guys: How many domain-name sellers are known to the general public? Undoubtedly just this one. B+

  13) Buy Dell. A funky, MTV-generation commercial which picks up Dell’s new Red product theme. It moves, and is short and to the point. B+

  14) FedX Carrier Pigeons On Steroids. Birds gone wild attack the city, prompting white-male middle manager to suggest that his younger minion pick FedEx (NYSE: FDX) for his future shipping needs. Huh? C+

  15) Cars.com Doofus Death Match. A twenty-something buyer comes to the used car lot armed with data on his planned purchase, salesman doesn’t give him a hard time, so he says: “Good, otherwise I’d have you fight Klondor over there in a death match inside the wheel of fire.” Who says creativity is dead? For all that, I knew that this one was for cars.com right from the get-go. For this reason, it gets a B+

  16) Tide Job Interview. As this one unspolled, I was thinking it had to be CareerBuilder.com, because I’d read they’d purchased a commercial. For CareerBuilder, this would’ve been cute, since it had a guy inappropriately talking past his interrogator during a job interview. However, since it was for a stain removal pen by Procter & Gamble’s flagship detergent brand, not so much. C-

  17) Budweiser: Hank The Horse. Oh, I get it, he’s a Clydesdale, and he’s pulling a freight train, to the theme from Rocky, the better to prove he’s worthy of joining the beer-toting horse team. You know, if they spent one-fiftieth of the money they pour into beer commercials on medical research, they could cure cancer in a week. B

  18) Iron Man, the Movie. Robert Downey Jr. is out of rehab and CGI-buff as the latest Marvel super hero to hit the silver screen. Coming this summer.

  19) Toyota (NYSE: TM) Corolla. The high point of this very muted car ad is that the voice over was by the Peterman guy from Seinfeld. C

  20) George Clooney, Leatherheads. Another movie ad.

  21) Garmin GPS. Some kind of French vibe going on, with a Euro car driving through some non-American looking city, an actor dressed up like Napolean, and French rock ‘n roll in the background. Sorry, I only know Ca Plan Pour Moi. B-

  22) CareerBuilder: Follow Your Heart. A throbbing, disembodied heart leaps off a keyboard and makes its way into the bosses office. Ah, this is the CareerBuilder.com ad. That sound I hear is Monster.com not being worried. C-

  23) Thriller/Life Water. I really should know who that model bopping with a bunch of lizards to strains of Michael Jackson’s Thriller is. Naomi Campbell, right? (Nah.) A fun little commercial, in spite of itself. Loses half a grade since I still don’t know what Life Water is. A-

  24) Yukon Hybrid from GMC. “Never Say Never.” To what, high gas prices? This commercial was so muted, it made me wonder what kind of internal constituency hybrid technologies have inside GM (NYSE: GM). Certainly, this is not one of Bob Lutz’s “gotta have” cars. D

  25) Boooood Light. A continuation of Bud’s series where non-native speakers from India and China are initiated into doofus bad-beer lingo. This time, though, the ESL geek gets the pretty girl. This commercial is so idiotic and aberrant that it’s … memorable. So it gets a high rating, but please don’t tell anyone I said that. A

  26) Planter’s Cashews. Unattractive 30-something woman bops down the street to strains of Frankie Valley’s 1967 hit, “You’re Just Too Good To Be True.” Grabs a handful of Planters nuts, still looks the same, but suddenly all the guys are chasing her. See, it’s not just about looks! Kinda heartwarming, actually. A-

  27) Charles Barkley for T-Mobile. The cellular service provider is doing the hard sell for its “Friends and Family” plan, with the former basketball star calling his son, or maybe Dwayne Wade, or maybe both. I couldn’t really tell. Yawn. Hey, I’m still waiting for Sir Charles to run for the senate. C-

  28) Justin Timberlake for Pepsi. The once and current pop star is hurled into the air, through traffic, and all about the city, literally, but survives. Dating Britney couldn’t have been this rough. B+

  29) Doritos Chair Guy. Guy in chair eats Doritos, gets beaten up by guy in giant mouse suit. Forgettable. C

HALFTIME

  30) Cars.com. Now our data-laden auto buyer is threatening to have the recalcitrant dealer’s head shrunk. Hey, it wasn’t funny the first time, but I get the “cars.com” tag, which is presumably why they paid the $2.7 million. A-

  31) Salesgenie Panda. Now they’ve got an animated panda named Ling Ling, doing a Charlie Chan voice, pimping for the sales-lead site. In most workplaces, including mine, that wouldn’t be allowed. D-

  32) Shaquille O’Neal Vitamin Water. The basketball star wins a horse race and gets a cold, nonalcoholic beverage as his reward. Most memorable moment: Little kid in stands inserting finger up nose. Decent (the ad, not the pick), but not Super Bowl-worthy. C

  33) Bud Light Cave Men. In ad terms, this one is an oldie but oldie. D

  34) Carmen Electra/Ice Breakers Gum. The breath-freshener preferred by “D” listers? D

  35) Alice Cooper/Richard Simmons Bridgestone. In the second chapter of this tire saga, our winding-road driver has passed the animals and finds a couple of celebs in his path. There’s a couple of hundred bucks in it if you get them both, buddy. (I originally thought Alice was Ozzy Osborne, until a commenter below corrected me. Makes more sense; Ozzy doesn’t need the work.) B-

  36) CareerBuilder’s Wishing. The job site tries to move the needle in its battle with Monster with this “Wishing Won’t Get You A Better Job” ad. Doesn’t. C-

  37) E-Trade Baby. Toddler in high chair buys stock on line, upchucks. Like you or I, after we’ve checked our 401(k) balances the past few weeks. B-

  38) Bud Light “Flying.” The watery brew now gives you the ability to fly, the ad posits. If you’ve been chugging every time a Bud ad has come on during the game, well, yeah. C

  39) Music Girls For Sunsilk. Marilyn Monroe, Shikira, and Madonna for some kind of hair product (I couldn’t figure out whether it was shampoo, or what, from the site.) Bet only two of them have used it. B

  40)Stewie Griffin for Coke. The Family Guy character, as a Macy’s Thanksgiving Day balloon, vies with Pluto {correction: Underdog) for a Coca-Cola, but Charlie Brown snaps it up at the last minute. Where’s Lucy when you need her? B

  41) James Carville and Bill Frist for Coke. Whaaaaaaaat on Earth is this? One of the most off-putting commercials I’ve ever seen. What demographic is this one aimed at? Dead people? Pass me a Pepsi. Please. F

  42) Toyota Sequoia. “The dishes will have to wait” is the theme of this one, as our SUV owner goes out for a spin. About as flashy as your average Toyota. B

  43) E-Trade Baby 2. This kid’s diaper must be leaking by now. B

  44) Taco Bell. Just what you want when it’s a nail-biter of a fourth quarter and the Giants are up 10 to 7 over the Patriots. C

  45) Gatorade: Man’s Best Friend. A very big dog slurps up Gatorade from his water dish. And this is supposed to turn me on to their drink how? C

  46) Will Ferrell for Bud. The egregiously unfunny comedian pitches the watery brew in surprisingly humorous fashion. Best is Ferrell’s close: “Bud Light. Suck One.” A

  47) Hyundai Genesis. Straight car commercial; gets the message across. B

  48) Victoria’s Secret. The game’s almost over, promises the tag line, as a beautiful babe tosses a football askance. Maybe Tom Brady’s after-party. I give it a wishful-thinking B-

  49) Fat Guy for Amp. The Red Bull competitor gets the almost Full Monty, as a hip-hop-dancing tow truck driver chugs the energy drink to get “amp’ed” enough to jump-start a stalled car. This all makes sense in the world of $2.7-million Super Bowl ads. B+

Here’s the Kina Grannis video: