#when am I supposed to feel happy again
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Visit Tumblr Blog
Explore Tumblr blogs with no restrictions, modern design and the best experience.
Last Seen Tumblr Blogs
Fun Fact
28.6 is the average number of monthly visits per US mobile user.
Text
mmmmmmm I told myself I wasn't gonna vent on this blog anymore
#Vents 🌧️#idk man I just don't know who I'm supposed to turn to at this point#I was doing so good I AM doing so good but just like. idk what's wrong#like yeah I know. I've got 'problems at home' but. like I've always had them why is that stopping me#I feel like all of this is pushing me into a period of depression#I don't wanna do anything anymore but I've got no choice bc my parents are making me#I feel so hollow. nothing makes me Feel right now and it's bad#and idk what I'm doing wrong. I'm trying so hard to be so positive and cheery like I always am and so supportive#I'm working myself to the bone to make everybody happy and. it's still not enough#I am still not enough. and I don't know what's going to change that#how much harder do I have to work for everyone to love me#I want everyone to love me#and yet... even if I was surrounded by adoring friends. would I feel happy? would I feel. anything?#I don't know anymore. nothing is never enough for me#and maybe that's why I'm not enough for anyone else#until the holes in my heart are patched up nothing is going to fill it. it's all going to leak out#when am I supposed to feel happy again#sorry everybody. I'll probably delete this later I don't want it clogging up my perfect happy blog
1 note
·
View note
Text
it is beyond infuriating how anne rice seems to insist on marius being a positive force in anyone's life ever. like she can't fully commit to exploring the fact he groomed armand and has repeatedly taken away his consent for what marius thinks is best (take the end of TVA as an example) and just kind of flatly puts it in the narrative. there's not really much interest in how these horrific events make marius come across as the worst because EVERYONE loves him. for gods sake, lestat learns from armand exactly what marius did to him in TVL and then proceeds to go find marius and be super friendly to him in the same fucking book. even armand and pandora, two of the people who have MORE than enough right to hate him, do not. it doesnt feel like shes trying to explore the toxicity of the abusive dynamic he traps them in, it just is there. and like yeah ofc the toxic vampire romance series but i think that this should be handled with more care. and it is not ever really framed in a way that she is interested in exploring how marius should easily be one of the most horrific characters in this series because it kind of feels like sa/rape/grooming/other things of that sort are just put there to further plot and not to really get the respect that they deserve in a medium.
#twist rambles#vc posting#grooming mention#for blocklist sorry im on my im really mad about this fucking series soapbox again#to be fucking honest she treats slavery similar. like its just THERE and the characters doing it dont really feel bad about it (much like m#rius doesnt seem to.. feel much if any remorse for arm.and) and it is just like... ok heres another bad thing with no examination. this isn#a super coherent post but i went a bit forward to see how b&g was handling the arm.and stuff and oh my god. oh im so mad. like i just... i#wish so badly that arma.nds abuse was taken seriously other than haha its sooo quirky that mari.us is in a position of power over him and#provides housing money sex comfort etc for him and is abusing him but hes sooo happy with himmmm. like he fucking sold him into sex slavery#and we are supposed to root for him#ask to tag#sorry this is just. its a very triggering part of the books but its something that i kind of keep returning to to mull over because it is#handled really badly. like i think she was trying to go for a lo.lita vibe (iirc she did actually mention nabok.ov as an inspiration) but#didnt really care enough to examine WHY that is an interesting take on the subject matter. not even to get into pan.doras stuff bc its just#really bad but at least he waited until she was an adult i suppose. like i will give anne one thing that she has characters and (poorly han#led) writing that makes you really think and analyze. which i think is where i enjoy media that is like... this kind of sucks at points but#u can tell the authors viewpoints soo transparently. and u can examine it thru this. like i think thats why i find the gr.ell run of GA int#resting too bc u can telll that man is a libertarian and doesnt respect women. and then claims to do so. its interesting to me. anyways#did u guys know she defended bill clin.ton when the monica stuff came out and victim blamed her. just a funny coincidence.#sorry for the really long tag rant but i am sooo fed up with how she treats this topic forever and ever. bc its been this way forever.#anyways back to reading had to get that out. lmk if u need me to tag this bc its a lot of tws :)
17 notes
·
View notes
Text
I mean this so seriously: there should have been more kissing in bbc musketeers 2014. they are french
#the musketeers#what am I supposed to do? just watch that scene from trial and punishment over and over again?#no have them kiss every time one of them returns to the others from a fight#have them kiss every time they're proud of their bro#have them kiss when they leave each other#have them kiss every time they're drunk and happy#have them KISS!!!!#I don't even ship these mfs but I feel so strongly about this. let them kiss their bros!!#moosketeers
32 notes
·
View notes
Text
.
#idk if it's because i've given autism a very in depth look now or if i just always been like this and never really thought about it#but i'm finding it harder and harder to match my feelings to what i guess i'm supposed to feel?#like when something sad happens and i have no reaction to it#it's not that i'm not sad or that i'm glad it's happening but i just have no feelings?#which in turn bring put feelings of guilt because i'm not sad or worried enough...#it's such a weird experience and i'm of course not saying that autistic people have no feelings#that's so not what i'm saying#but it is a trait of autism to have difficulty pinpointing what you feel and also difficulty expressing it in ways other people usually doit#so perhaps it is because i've learned about that that I'm accepting that maybe i just don't feel things ''the normal way''#but i'm having a weird one tonight because my mom had to leave because of an emergency with my grandma#and it's 1am right now#and i am worried. of course i am. I don't want my grandma to suffer (although i have accepted she's not gonna live much longer)#but i still don't want her to die obviously#and most importantly I don't want my mom to have to go through that... to see her mother die? that's horrible#i'm obviously sad and worried#yet i'm sitting here drinking coffee and laughing at funny videos like nothing's happening#and i feel fine... like as if my mom was just sleeping at home like every night and not at a hospital visiting her dying mother...#and i know that years back i would have gone ''what the fuck is wrong with me?!'' and perhaps maybe forced myself to feel worse#or to cry or whatever because I can't be chill when something bad is happening...#and maybe i'll feel that way when my mom is back because I can't be calm and happy is she's sad#that would be rubbing it in her face#so maybe i'll feel more guilty then?#idk it's a weird feeling that i wanted to put into words#mostly for when it happens again i'll have a record of it somewhere#idk#angel talks#personal
8 notes
·
View notes
Text
sometimes i'll think abt a Fandom and wish it were bigger, and sometimes i'll read something from a fandom.. and wish it were smaller
#ppl seeing a confident black man : FINALLY! A PERFECT ANTAGONIST FOR OUR STORY!#THE CORRUPTOR!! THE ASSHOLE! MR KNOWS ALL!#i want to be bigger into football. i rlly do#but . omg. sometimes seeing just So Much . side eye shit is . like imagine my exhaustion#and this isnt me trying to be the behavior police like let ppl write but sometimes seeing such. Fun. patterns can be like#idk man it's sad like damn thats rlly how the world is and obvs i KNOW how it can be but it's real wack#real wack being reminded even in ur supposed happy place ur supposed lighthearted little break from the world#it's still not . idk. it's just not#oh the poor pale blond qb just a little anxious baby oh and his evil zany teammates trying to corrupt him oh theyre so terrible for my angel#:/#.. that is. a Grown. Man .#it's like replaying my 2nd grade teacher ******** me bcs i was a troublesome kid and it made her feel young and alive and bad again#like wtf am i corrupting you with maam? skibbity toliet ? leave me alone !!#listen. if it were smthing like 'x rlly likes tomatoes' when he actually likes idk carrots? i would not give a fuck. infact i prefer carrots#but bad patterns have smthing more to say bcs patterns in general have a story#it's more than 'he would not fucking say that' it's 'WHY tf are YOU making HIM say THAT of ALL people & THINGS???'#like i love having asshole characters in my stories too. and they can be poc ! NO ONE is a saint!#but having one just to fuel the only one u actually care abt? having their problems solely be for plot?? & making that one#a SPECIFIC kind of person ?? is kinda giving me 'u dont view x as a human which could mean you dont view x race as humans'#WHICH IS !! IT SUCKS ! THAT SUCKS!#i know i need to just suck it up and ignore it but thats like the life quote of being poc isnt it#ugh#it sucks
27 notes
·
View notes
Text
a girl grows up hurt. she is not angry. she is sad and forgettable. she is the kind one, the one who forgives. her brothers are angry. it is not her story.
a girl learns to be strong. it will not be spoken of. she is pretty. they tell her she is. (find me when you turn eighteen). she will not be angry. the righteous grief of her brother will be lost on her. it is not her story.
a woman exists to be ogled. look at her, as she shows everything. that is her character, can't you see? it's a personality. (it is not). if nothing else, appreciate your eye candy. she dies and even those supposedly her friends do not linger. it is not her story.
a girl is forgettable. she is shy, but she loves the boy. that makes her worth something, right? her end would not matter, because her beginning did not. it is not her story.
a woman is hurt. she is damaged and coping in all the wrong ways. it's a joke. she pulls herself back together. but, forget that. she loved the boy after all. it is not her story.
a girl loves the boy. what else do you remember about her? it is not her story.
#im upset about women in shonen again#i want to scream#how am i suppose to feel happy about this story when the female characters are so secondary#they deserve better#naruto#mha#bnha#ruroni kenshin#cookie if you guess who the characters are
24 notes
·
View notes
Text
i don't know what i'm feeling, everything feels like too much.
#randomly dog days are over by florence + the machine was stuck in my head#and that song always makes me think of my dad because he says he played it a lot when i was a baby and it's 'my song'#so then i started thinking about being little and just being happy and everything was so simple#and idek what's going on in my life i don't know who i am i don't know who likes me and who hates me i can't stand this feeling#literally just have been lying here listening to dog days are over and crying and wanting to go back and wanting everything to stop#but it will never stop i can never go back#i'll never go to school with most of the people i love most ever again#i feel wrong i feel like i'm not supposed to be here#i'm crying so hard rn i feel like i might throw up but i can't i can't be loud or else my parents will hear me and see me crying and i can'#go through everything again#i can't do this
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
(just some thoughts about things, I think its rather long so you don't have to read ❤️❤️)
#(sorry for the sudden post but hmmm)#(I cant tell if I am just not into bsd as much as other people)#(or if its simply bc Im just not as opinionated)#(the current story arc has gotten so far and like woah that I don't feel like super excited or shocked whenever there's a new update)#(either that or seeing everyones complaints about everything kinda dampens the excitement)#(tbh I really enjoyed up to like the guild arc but once it got into the whole like fyodor business my brain stopped)#(its interesting but maybe I just like happy endings too much haha)#(I dont talk to anyone in the fandom but I feel like it is very negative(#(hence the reason why I dont really interact outside of posting these drawings every once in a while)#(I like slice of life stuff I suppose and all this is too much haha I much prefer bsd wan honestly)#(itd probably be easier to just ignore the fandom or so)#(but its a bit difficult to do when I wanna see cool art and cool ideas too)#(I dont know)#(maybe bc I dont remember much from the manga but I dont feel as negative as others)#(sorry this was really long hahaha)#(I think I just dont want to feel alone again)#(though I dont have any mutuals so I guess I kinda already am haha)#(🌟🌟 it makes me happy if even one person likes my drawings or ideas)#(makes me feel like I can do it)#(and not feel so negative about something I quite enjoy!)
25 notes
·
View notes
Text
..
#depression is so weird. have been getting everything i want and have been experiencing such wonderful things#but i've been feeling like i can't enjoy any of it and that there's this horrible thick glass wall between me and my emotions and the world#i'm really hoping that things like getting back to work (took a long vacation) and alone time and#trying to do things like going for walks and stretching and eating more often will help#i may even look for further part time employment :')#and also will hopefully begin giving clothes away soon (that have been in to give away boxes for years now) to friends and their friends#it's been weighing on me for a while and i think part of it is that i need to feel more in control of my life and my space#but i fear it may also just be normal old depression as well :( and i am completely forgetting#all of the things you're supposed to do to help yourself when the depression gets really unbearably bad#usually it is anxiety and ocd that are giving me the most problems but now depression has reared its head up over those two again#idk i guess all this to say i am grateful and i had fun and i love everyone and nothing bad happened but i dont feel happy lately#my post
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
.
#dont call anyone im safe im fine im just venting. tw for suicide/self harm/kind of intense language. ideally no ones reading this tho#bro i cant keep living like this#i dread waking up every day so much that i dread even falling asleep#i got insomnia medication in my system and my brain is still like nope absolutely not#i cant keep up at my job even when i am rested enough#i get headaches every other day#my instant mental reaction in the face of stress is to hurt myself (i have not)#like fuck. i work for the disability department of an insurance company#i know for a fact that (probably) every contract stipulates we wont cover disabilities as a result of self inflicted injuries#which is supposed to prevent ppl from taking advantage of the system or whatever#and im always like if someone goes to the lengths of actively injuring themselves to the point of disability#in the name of 'getting out of work'#that person is not 'taking advantage of the system' THAT PERSON IS FUCKING MENTALLY ILL#AND I WOULD KNOW BC I AM ONE OF THOSE PPL#do not come for me on some shit about wanting to disable yourself being morally questionable i cant be concerned abt that rn#i gotta focus on the fact that i hate my life so much id rather break my own right hand than continue it#its an improvement from the active suicidal ideation but its still a symptom of the passive ideation#fucking hell. im too self aware so i absolutely feel like im faking it or making shit up so i can be lazy and not work and whatever#but FUCKING CHRIST theres no way. if i had a choice i wouldnt let myself feel like this.#i just got to a point where i can live alone and support myself. i was so happy and so proud of myself. I don't want to lose that#but god every phone call i have to make for work makes me want to hurt myself. every early morning (and there arent many!!! i mostly work#from home!!!) makes me wish i was dead. i have to sleep for hours after work more often than not. i cant really maintain my living space#theres fucking. mold and discoloration and shit on a bunch of my clothes and some of my bags and shit!!#cause i cant fucking keep my room clean and my basement apartment got fucking humid over the summer and so much moisture got trapped#i constantly have dirty dishes getting moldy before i get to them#i just dont have the fucking energy. i want to take better care of my space. i want to be more social. i just want to go to sleep without#fucking dreading waking up. i wanna go a full week without a headache. i want my stress response to be something other than the intense and#overwhelming desire to cut myself. if i start again i dont know if ill be able to stop and i know i wont be able to keep it to my arms/legs/#easily hidden parts of my body. last breakdown i escalated to my face and i know ill pick up from there.#fuck
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
I finished act 2 again, but properly this time. and I cannot even begin to put into words how satisfying and beautiful all of that was. I loved act 2 the first time I played, but figuring out how to save the last light this time, properly completing halsin's quest, storming moonrise towers with jaheira and her harpers, seeing aylin reunite with isobel...all of it. I love it even more. and the beginning of act 3 feels all the more rewarding, having fixed my past errors.
#bg3#bg3 spoilers#thoughts about media#that was. incredible. I can't believe I missed so much the first time I played.#but at least having messed up the first time gives me a greater appreciation for the full story.#I did the “lift the shadowcurse” quest SO assbackwards last time I missed like. 90% of halsin's act 2 dialogue.#he IS cute. I am just STUPID. and learned nothing from dunking on gale before- when that was ALSO my own colossal mistake.#jaheira also gets such a badass moment of glory if her harpers as still alive. if you lose last light like I did before...#...god the assault on moonrise feels so...depressing. I felt so fucking bad for her the first time I played.#but I thought that you couldn't save isobel! and that's just what was supposed to happen! fool was I!#oh and if your tav fails the perception check on mizora when she first sends wyll to rescue zariel's asset- HE renegotiates his contract!#which I like better? I like when the companions get to choose their own fate! I like wyll taking a stand for himself! it was awesome!#and well. if corydalis used his outrageous charisma stat to push mizora into giving wyll a funky new sword? that's just friendship <3#the relationship between aylin and isobel is beautiful. I'm so happy that I replayed to save isobel. I much prefer seeing aylin happy :)#barcus. barcus. barcus. I want to criticise you but I'm in love with astarion so. can I really talk???#well maybe /I/ can't. but corydalis is Aware and playing mental manipulation chess with astarion. out of pure intent. but still.#join our polycule barcus. please. we will treat you better. I promise <3333#anyways. not ready for the buggiest part of the game again. but at least I know what's going on this time.
9 notes
·
View notes
Text
for such a supposedly major fan of the national I sure mishear a lot of their lyrics 💀
#i thought sea of love started 'when you say you love me jump/how am i supposed to know'#but its not jump its joe. who tf is joe idc the lyric doesnt work as well when hes in it#also later on theres a repeated bit that i thought goes 'angel sorry i hurt you but they say love is a virtue dont they'#which makes SENSE bc angel virtue etc. but its not angel hes saying 'hey joe' THIS GUY AGAIN????? GET OUT UR RUINING IT FOR ME 👉#i know what the correct lyrics are in my heart. even if the band themselves dont <3#also in anyones ghost i thought he says 'i dont worry abt u' but its not its 'i dont want anybody else' STOP MUMBLINGGG#that one does make more sense tho matt berninger loves to sing abt how bad he wants whoever he just broke up with#every album has at least one track with a line like that#listening to a lot of anyones ghost lately....#me when i have a hole in the middle where the lightning went through it told my friends not to worry....... been there girl#YOU SAID IT WAS NOT INSIDE MY HEART IT WAS!! YOU SAID IT SHOULD TEAR A KID APART IT DOES!! DIDNT WANNA BE YOUR GHOST!!#i havent listened to much of the national the past 2 weeks thats how u know i was Truly in mental anguish#now im back on listening to an album of theirs every morning i feel like myself again 😚#anywayyy.. sitting outside work in the sun enjoying my last fresh air for the next 8 hours.... they dont even let me out at lunch 😔#happy friday everyone we'll get thru today 💪💪💪💪#.diaries
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
i wear a lot of skirts and pink and whatnot as my style has developed with me & my personality but when one of those age regression girlies latch onto me....i do not like that
#like oh....you think im one of them...bestie no im freshly 23 and im happy i made it this far i dont wanna go back#sometimes i hate being 5'2 with a small frame you have to be very careful and kinda vet everyone you interact with#idk there's a complex discussion to be had. i am someone who has went through what they fetishize and i know a lot of girls in that#community have too. so i worry a lot if if my behaviors and preferences accidentally align with that community in ways i don't realize#bc trauma will always reveal itself. idfk. when i was 20 i got in a relationship with a man who was 30 because i misheard him and thought#he was 24. i thought he was okay until we were at this giftshop and he wanted to get me something but as giftshops are super expensive#i mentioned i could fit in childrens clothes and it saves me a lot of money ($60 shoes are $30 for kids) and tbh fit my frame better#so he was “prove it” so i did and mf said “THATS HOT” ??????????? BITCH#my style wasn't even feminine in the slightest at the time 😑 it feels like a curse to have this kind of trauma then never outgrow this body#believe me ik how trauma changes your brain but how#as a woman#can you ever be apart of that community? why do you allow this to continue and not persecute these men for existing?#you're inherently enabling it and saying its okay this happened to you and its okay that other adults can hurt other kids#when my rapist got put in prison i screamed i yelled i sang i danced my friends set off FIREWORKS for me#when he got out i cried more than i ever have. i moved STATES (not the sole rzn but nonetheless) not that i was in the one he was in prison#in anyways but i was so fucking petrified he'd find me again. its embarrassing but i started sleeping with a chastity belt again.#i made more phone calls i ever have in my life to people who have and will get their hands dirty#i understand the self hatred those girls have. i understand the girls who sleep with everyone to take some of their power back.#i even understand the girls who want to get raped if they got assaulted but it never felt like enough for the pain they're experiencing#but please stay the fuck away from me. as someone who has tried to heal and wants every man like that erased from earth.#do not give them an ounce of attention. ostracize them like they're meant to be. leave it to god for their karma they will be dealt with#reckon with your pain and make sure it never happens to anyone else. only the harmed can make the greatest teachers#tbh bro i am disgusted with myself at all that those are the kinda vibes i put out.#what are you supposed to do as a woman when feminity is equalized with infantilism? i think its tone deaf and misguided whem girls are like#i dress this way to contradict societies views!!! babes its a whole cultural issue that requires reviewing and reforming#you are not doing anything revolutionary by wearing frilly skirts and saying im not like them bc they see you and ur automatically boxed in#i dress how i want and say what i want but i know as a individual im not the beacon of a groundbreaking movement#singularily flipping society on its head. dress how you want but be aware of the connotations. you're living in this society here and now#there's consequences that may not be in your favor and youll be assumed to have values that dont align with you and it may break your heart
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
going back to the tattoo studio and immediately helping my friend re-pierce her ear feels like going back home after a really really long day at work
#this place and these people just make it feel like this is where i’m supposed to be#it’s just sad that right now i can’t make living out of this#it’s sad i need to do something else and it’s sad how happy i am here#i wish i could be here every day again#not just sometimes when i have a moment after work#i hope i’ll get to be back here again at some point#i really hope this chapter isn’t over yet#OKAY BLA BLA BLA#shut up#michelle talks
6 notes
·
View notes
Text
.
#tag talk#I feel so fucking great today. ironically I'm having trouble getting anything done because I keep just lying down to sigh contentedly#idk. I just feel so genuinely happy.#maybe it has something to do with the smell bout of random depression disappearing at least for now. no longer shitting out my guts either#and also I get to see the cute girl who also likes me back today so that's super pogchamp.#ugh do y'all have any idea how absolutely down bad I am for her??? like. seriously.#I know this won't be a long term thing but damn if I'm not gonna appreciate it for the two years I'm still living in this city.#like. I knew things would get better eventually. I was seventeen and telling myself things would one day be better#sure it's taken eight years but like... fuckin hell I'm self actualizing for real now.#mood stabilizers. adhd meds. hrt. I'm finally able to address the problems I've been battling my whole life.#and moving out from my parents has given me the freedom to figure shit out apart from the situation that's been fucking me up all my life#I just. fucking hell this is so nice.#YOOO I HAVE JIGGLY CALF MUSCLES AGAIN HELL YEAH#I've been a little wasted away for the past year but I've started working out again since since got adhd meds and damn#I don't like being so awfully skinny so it's nice to have curves and slight jiggles on my body again#calf muscles my beloved#I'm learning to love my arm muscles but I've always loved my leg muscles. partially I think cause leg muscles are associated with feminine#whereas arm muscles are culturally seen as masculine. so that kind of got embedded in my brain growing up. but I'm learning to love both#I also just love my body working like it's supposed to. the joy of a well oiled machine doing what it should.#ofc it's not always consistent. but it's nice when it's working as it should#also I bought a wireless charger for my phone since the charging port got even more fucked up and now barely works at all#so honestly that lifted a pretty big stressor off my mind since phone dying is a huge problem and a new phone is expensive#so I'm feeling more carefree with that at least temporarily fixed. won't have to worry about my phone again for prolly at least another year
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
LOVE ME THE MOST THE MOST YOU POSSIBLY CAN!!!!!! LOVE ME THE MOST I NEED TO BE THE ONLY THING IN YOUR MIND
#mine#🎸#vibrating at immense speeds rn ajskwkfllflwncf the MOST THE MOST ever#the only thing in your mind i need to be the BEST the most loved augh im not doing anything wrong but its still not ENOUGH#why cant i be satisfied. but at the same time LOVE ME MORE AND MORE AND MORE UNTIL LITERALLY NOTHING ELSE EXISTS#i need to add more fuel to the fire of our love but i dont know what to do exactly... clearly mentioning the issue didnt work#idk i literally want him to kill me or something i need to be consumed by love. ah all of our mutual friends are quickly going to#learn how fucking mentally ill i can get. im not ready for them to but if hes telling them these things then theyre gonna KNOW#love me more more more i thought you used to be scared of how much you loved me. obsess over me again!!!!!!#if im not the one doing anything wrong what is the problem. what is preventing you from loving me the most you possibly can!!!#if its something with me I'll just kill that part of me. ugh he wouldnt want me partaking in unhealthy thoughts like this#so what is there to do? i need to drown in the grain silo of love. there isnt enough to drown in rn though... i cant just#make him love me more. an evil oriented solution would be to make everyone hate him so he just loves me but thats a horrible thing to do#and id feel bad about it forever. so im not gonna do THAT i want him to be happy. but even when hes happy he isnt loving me intensely#i need to be desired i need to be ripped open like a phone book –_–#everyone is learning how insane abt him i am and its kind of embarrassing. well my feelings i guess. it is embarrassing to have feelings#if this whole situation was an asmr youd be listening to it willingly. but its NOT arent you supposed to like me like this#im overthinking this hes probably just depressed which is making it difficult to be insane
8 notes
·
View notes