#when am I supposed to feel happy again | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

theheroand · 1 year ago

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mmmmmmm I told myself I wasn't gonna vent on this blog anymore

#Vents 🌧️#idk man I just don't know who I'm supposed to turn to at this point #I was doing so good I AM doing so good but just like. idk what's wrong #like yeah I know. I've got 'problems at home' but. like I've always had them why is that stopping me #I feel like all of this is pushing me into a period of depression #I don't wanna do anything anymore but I've got no choice bc my parents are making me #I feel so hollow. nothing makes me Feel right now and it's bad #and idk what I'm doing wrong. I'm trying so hard to be so positive and cheery like I always am and so supportive #I'm working myself to the bone to make everybody happy and. it's still not enough #I am still not enough. and I don't know what's going to change that #how much harder do I have to work for everyone to love me #I want everyone to love me #and yet... even if I was surrounded by adoring friends. would I feel happy? would I feel. anything?#I don't know anymore. nothing is never enough for me #and maybe that's why I'm not enough for anyone else #until the holes in my heart are patched up nothing is going to fill it. it's all going to leak out #when am I supposed to feel happy again #sorry everybody. I'll probably delete this later I don't want it clogging up my perfect happy blog

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july-19th-club · 2 years ago

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i know for a fact i have made this post before but for me it's very important that bbc merlin is a pointless tragedy. it wouldn't be good (it's frequently not good anyway but it would be a lot further away from good) if it wasn't a pointless tragedy! it's simply not arthuriana if it doesn't go past the high point of the heroic/legendary/high medieval romance stuff and end with detailed rundowns of exactly how everybody got betrayed and died like that is what makes it real arthuriana to me and not just a silly show about a wizard

#'why did he die at the end! why did they make us miserable? why can't we have nice things!'#BECAUSE IT'S ARTHURIANA OKAY .that's what HAPPENS #if you're doing arthuriana you're not doing it right unless when you finally get to the end of this endless string of knight adventures #the main guy is like. dead and you're like well . what am i supposed to do now #like when i first read the great illustrated classic abridged king arthur in third grade and got to the end ofi t #and guinevere had been sent to a nunnery and half the nights had died in this battle or that one and merlin had been stuck in a cave #and then arthur dies and bedivere chucks his sword in a lake and then the book just ENDS #and i sat there consumed with emotions id never felt before. well i would've been disappointed if the end of bbc merlin had #NOT made me feel those emotions again #but it did. to me that is in fact its greatest success #merlin #q #like. dont get me wrong i like a fixfic as much as the next guy and in fact i plot them out all the time #but you cant DO that if the original material is. like. already happy #or meant to be

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volfoss · 4 months ago

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it is beyond infuriating how anne rice seems to insist on marius being a positive force in anyone's life ever. like she can't fully commit to exploring the fact he groomed armand and has repeatedly taken away his consent for what marius thinks is best (take the end of TVA as an example) and just kind of flatly puts it in the narrative. there's not really much interest in how these horrific events make marius come across as the worst because EVERYONE loves him. for gods sake, lestat learns from armand exactly what marius did to him in TVL and then proceeds to go find marius and be super friendly to him in the same fucking book. even armand and pandora, two of the people who have MORE than enough right to hate him, do not. it doesnt feel like shes trying to explore the toxicity of the abusive dynamic he traps them in, it just is there. and like yeah ofc the toxic vampire romance series but i think that this should be handled with more care. and it is not ever really framed in a way that she is interested in exploring how marius should easily be one of the most horrific characters in this series because it kind of feels like sa/rape/grooming/other things of that sort are just put there to further plot and not to really get the respect that they deserve in a medium.

#twist rambles #vc posting #grooming mention #for blocklist sorry im on my im really mad about this fucking series soapbox again #to be fucking honest she treats slavery similar. like its just THERE and the characters doing it dont really feel bad about it (much like m #rius doesnt seem to.. feel much if any remorse for arm.and) and it is just like... ok heres another bad thing with no examination. this isn #a super coherent post but i went a bit forward to see how b&g was handling the arm.and stuff and oh my god. oh im so mad. like i just... i #wish so badly that arma.nds abuse was taken seriously other than haha its sooo quirky that mari.us is in a position of power over him and #provides housing money sex comfort etc for him and is abusing him but hes sooo happy with himmmm. like he fucking sold him into sex slavery #and we are supposed to root for him #ask to tag #sorry this is just. its a very triggering part of the books but its something that i kind of keep returning to to mull over because it is #handled really badly. like i think she was trying to go for a lo.lita vibe (iirc she did actually mention nabok.ov as an inspiration) but #didnt really care enough to examine WHY that is an interesting take on the subject matter. not even to get into pan.doras stuff bc its just #really bad but at least he waited until she was an adult i suppose. like i will give anne one thing that she has characters and (poorly han #led) writing that makes you really think and analyze. which i think is where i enjoy media that is like... this kind of sucks at points but #u can tell the authors viewpoints soo transparently. and u can examine it thru this. like i think thats why i find the gr.ell run of GA int #resting too bc u can telll that man is a libertarian and doesnt respect women. and then claims to do so. its interesting to me. anyways #did u guys know she defended bill clin.ton when the monica stuff came out and victim blamed her. just a funny coincidence.#sorry for the really long tag rant but i am sooo fed up with how she treats this topic forever and ever. bc its been this way forever.#anyways back to reading had to get that out. lmk if u need me to tag this bc its a lot of tws :)

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dampfoxes · 8 months ago

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I mean this so seriously: there should have been more kissing in bbc musketeers 2014. they are french

#the musketeers #what am I supposed to do? just watch that scene from trial and punishment over and over again?#no have them kiss every time one of them returns to the others from a fight #have them kiss every time they're proud of their bro #have them kiss when they leave each other #have them kiss every time they're drunk and happy #have them KISS!!!!#I don't even ship these mfs but I feel so strongly about this. let them kiss their bros!!#moosketeers

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thechaotichorselord · 1 month ago

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sherlock-is-ace · 2 months ago

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#idk if it's because i've given autism a very in depth look now or if i just always been like this and never really thought about it #but i'm finding it harder and harder to match my feelings to what i guess i'm supposed to feel?#like when something sad happens and i have no reaction to it #it's not that i'm not sad or that i'm glad it's happening but i just have no feelings?#which in turn bring put feelings of guilt because i'm not sad or worried enough...#it's such a weird experience and i'm of course not saying that autistic people have no feelings #that's so not what i'm saying #but it is a trait of autism to have difficulty pinpointing what you feel and also difficulty expressing it in ways other people usually doit #so perhaps it is because i've learned about that that I'm accepting that maybe i just don't feel things ''the normal way''#but i'm having a weird one tonight because my mom had to leave because of an emergency with my grandma #and it's 1am right now #and i am worried. of course i am. I don't want my grandma to suffer (although i have accepted she's not gonna live much longer)#but i still don't want her to die obviously #and most importantly I don't want my mom to have to go through that... to see her mother die? that's horrible #i'm obviously sad and worried #yet i'm sitting here drinking coffee and laughing at funny videos like nothing's happening #and i feel fine... like as if my mom was just sleeping at home like every night and not at a hospital visiting her dying mother...#and i know that years back i would have gone ''what the fuck is wrong with me?!'' and perhaps maybe forced myself to feel worse #or to cry or whatever because I can't be chill when something bad is happening...#and maybe i'll feel that way when my mom is back because I can't be calm and happy is she's sad #that would be rubbing it in her face #so maybe i'll feel more guilty then?#idk it's a weird feeling that i wanted to put into words #mostly for when it happens again i'll have a record of it somewhere #idk #angel talks #personal

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purpurussy · 4 months ago

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#tw suicide #idk i feel like i am probably gonna kms after TIT #i would do it sooner but i asked one of my friends to come with me and it would suck if i made him go alone #and it is something to look forward to which is helping me hang on i guess #but ughhhh once uni starts again in september i know everything is gonna fall apart.#i already got an extension on my thesis due to being a useless shell of a person who can't motivate themselves to do anything atm #but i was supposed to get some work done over the summer and have so far done nothing #hence why i want to kms before i have to talk to my fucking supervisors again and admit yet again that i simply cannot do this 😭#and it's not just this. my executive dysfunction has been so bad over the past couple of years and it's only getting worse #to the point where i can't imagine being able to work at all. and if i can't work i can't get out of my parents house #and then what the fuck is the point.#every time i see someone on here talking about bonding with their parents over dnp I'm like damn what's it like #to have parents who actually want to talk to you DSFGJJKL i know they let me live in their house at my big age #but that's only bc id literally be homeless otherwise and they're not like evil. they just don't love me #also went through a deeply embarrassing breakup recently #tl;dr ive been in love with this person for over a decade and i thought they were the dan to my phil or vice versa.#then after 10 years they left me and i'll spare the details but it has me wondering if they ever loved me #i thought it was a “let's live together and get a cat one day” relationship #but now i feel like for them. it was just a “sex and video games” type situation #i am trying soooo hard to at least be creative bc that makes me happy sometimes but it's hard to not be overly critical of myself #and now im getting to a point where i can barely even find any joy in this space any more. for a bunch of reasons #most of which revolve around me being extremely sensitive. and this is like my last bastion of dopamine so that fucking sucks #idk i don't see the point in my life any more. a social worker actually told me recently that i should consider euthanasia so.#it's just completely over for me i fear #this is not even mentioning all the damn migraines. and all the other ways in which my body simply doesn't work properly #sorry for this weird ass vent I'm not in therapy any more bc i couldn't find a therapist willing to treat me+all my diagnoses at this point #and im scared my friends will stop wanting to talk to me if i talk to them about this. several of them already have #the 2 friends i have left anyway. that's a whole other thing. when they said it's hard for autistic ppl to make friends i took that persona #so uh at this point it's vent here or develop a substance abuse problem. and im already halfway to having a substance abuse problem #anyway dan and phil for the love of god please fucking post something tonight. unfortunately you are my only hope

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jrueships · 1 year ago

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sometimes i'll think abt a Fandom and wish it were bigger, and sometimes i'll read something from a fandom.. and wish it were smaller

#ppl seeing a confident black man : FINALLY! A PERFECT ANTAGONIST FOR OUR STORY!#THE CORRUPTOR!! THE ASSHOLE! MR KNOWS ALL!#i want to be bigger into football. i rlly do #but . omg. sometimes seeing just So Much . side eye shit is . like imagine my exhaustion #and this isnt me trying to be the behavior police like let ppl write but sometimes seeing such. Fun. patterns can be like #idk man it's sad like damn thats rlly how the world is and obvs i KNOW how it can be but it's real wack #real wack being reminded even in ur supposed happy place ur supposed lighthearted little break from the world #it's still not . idk. it's just not #oh the poor pale blond qb just a little anxious baby oh and his evil zany teammates trying to corrupt him oh theyre so terrible for my angel #:/#.. that is. a Grown. Man .#it's like replaying my 2nd grade teacher ******** me bcs i was a troublesome kid and it made her feel young and alive and bad again #like wtf am i corrupting you with maam? skibbity toliet ? leave me alone !!#listen. if it were smthing like 'x rlly likes tomatoes' when he actually likes idk carrots? i would not give a fuck. infact i prefer carrots #but bad patterns have smthing more to say bcs patterns in general have a story #it's more than 'he would not fucking say that' it's 'WHY tf are YOU making HIM say THAT of ALL people & THINGS???'#like i love having asshole characters in my stories too. and they can be poc ! NO ONE is a saint!#but having one just to fuel the only one u actually care abt? having their problems solely be for plot?? & making that one #a SPECIFIC kind of person ?? is kinda giving me 'u dont view x as a human which could mean you dont view x race as humans'#WHICH IS !! IT SUCKS ! THAT SUCKS!#i know i need to just suck it up and ignore it but thats like the life quote of being poc isnt it #ugh #it sucks

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boxwinebaddie · 7 months ago

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an uncle nina check in <3

hi team! thanks for sticking around! i know my blog isn't always the most exciting and enriching place in the world in terms of content, but i am very /content/ to have you all here. <3333

i promise, oddly enough, i have A TON of inspiration and ideas for all my weird styles ( if you're curious about anything please lmk! i've been trying to flesh out my aus out lately ), i've just been in a major bummer depression era lately, so it's hard for me to get my asks done and i'm having a hard time committing to finishing my writing. :<

i think it's because of stress and my bipolar, but i am trying to get back on the horse! ( are we all laughing at the idea of me trying to get on a horse? i'd start crying help city girl fail moment for me ) yeehaw!

and while, unfortunately due to the instability ( fabulous legendary iconery ) of my pretty girl popstar personality, i do not know whether i will be answering almost no questions or one million, regardless of that, i just wanted to let you know, i'm still here, still kicking my feet, twirling my hair, cooking...i'm just really trying not to force myself to put out anything i don't like...and only do what makes me truly happy.

however, nothing, my dear sweet e-darlings...

makes me happier than coming home to all of you. <333

so thank you for flooding even the darkest corners of my life with bright light, supporting my phantom fics and being wonderful,

uncle nina xx

#nina speaks #hi my loves #idk what the point of this was #i just know my blog is really inconsistent and i know i dont really post anything or anything that useful #but i wanted you to know that i love you very much and i still care a lot about all of you and all my content actually #which i have been fleshing out in notebooks and google docs i've been doing lots of world building and character study #so feel free to ask me something challenging about any part of my nina sp auniverse that interests u itll make my brain work #i've also been taking very silly but dilligent notes abt what ravesey style looks like for ter so if u want to laff at those u can #i just love taking notes on detail and understanding exactly what characters look like or what settings appear like idk #might be some experimental writing on here i like doing different mediums like i was being silly #and started writing a netflix trailer for rm haha i also have been doing weird personality tests and questionnaires #i've been trying to think very deeply about tkak and my tfbw styles if u have any questions there and am deep plotting rm #trying to be impactful while also keeping things fun and learning to enjoy myself again i suppose #so again thakn u for being here sorry its weird on here but thank u for supporting me as i learn and grow my sunshines #also ik i have a ton of asks and uve already asked me so many things so never feel inclined to message me #but i love hearing what ur curious about hopefully i can answer some stuff eventually but again im on a break #i'm here but i'm not this is a safe place we try and fail we have fun and promote style world domination thru my weird styles #ilysm i'm shutting up now i promise i'm still here i'm just trying to be healthy and happy esp rn when i am not emotionally well #gotta protect my peace and my vibe palace but im still here!#MWAH MWAH MWAAAAAH #really trying to heal my inner child or like the girl in me that liked to write silly stories and create crazy things #weird hcs big dramatic plots silly stuff...i want to honor that girl because she was happy and free and had fun #and i want to do that again so lets have fun guys #no judgement no seriousness just good vibes and good reads #welcome to the uncle nina learns to laugh again arc #i hope you enjoy it

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strangefl0wer · 1 year ago

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a girl grows up hurt. she is not angry. she is sad and forgettable. she is the kind one, the one who forgives. her brothers are angry. it is not her story.

a girl learns to be strong. it will not be spoken of. she is pretty. they tell her she is. (find me when you turn eighteen). she will not be angry. the righteous grief of her brother will be lost on her. it is not her story.

a woman exists to be ogled. look at her, as she shows everything. that is her character, can't you see? it's a personality. (it is not). if nothing else, appreciate your eye candy. she dies and even those supposedly her friends do not linger. it is not her story.

a girl is forgettable. she is shy, but she loves the boy. that makes her worth something, right? her end would not matter, because her beginning did not. it is not her story.

a woman is hurt. she is damaged and coping in all the wrong ways. it's a joke. she pulls herself back together. but, forget that. she loved the boy after all. it is not her story.

a girl loves the boy. what else do you remember about her? it is not her story.

#im upset about women in shonen again #i want to scream #how am i suppose to feel happy about this story when the female characters are so secondary #they deserve better #naruto #mha #bnha #ruroni kenshin #cookie if you guess who the characters are

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dailynakaharachuuya · 1 year ago

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(just some thoughts about things, I think its rather long so you don't have to read ❤️❤️)

#(sorry for the sudden post but hmmm)#(I cant tell if I am just not into bsd as much as other people)#(or if its simply bc Im just not as opinionated)#(the current story arc has gotten so far and like woah that I don't feel like super excited or shocked whenever there's a new update)#(either that or seeing everyones complaints about everything kinda dampens the excitement)#(tbh I really enjoyed up to like the guild arc but once it got into the whole like fyodor business my brain stopped)#(its interesting but maybe I just like happy endings too much haha)#(I dont talk to anyone in the fandom but I feel like it is very negative(#(hence the reason why I dont really interact outside of posting these drawings every once in a while)#(I like slice of life stuff I suppose and all this is too much haha I much prefer bsd wan honestly)#(itd probably be easier to just ignore the fandom or so)#(but its a bit difficult to do when I wanna see cool art and cool ideas too)#(I dont know)#(maybe bc I dont remember much from the manga but I dont feel as negative as others)#(sorry this was really long hahaha)#(I think I just dont want to feel alone again)#(though I dont have any mutuals so I guess I kinda already am haha)#(🌟🌟 it makes me happy if even one person likes my drawings or ideas)#(makes me feel like I can do it)#(and not feel so negative about something I quite enjoy!)

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sleebyconfy · 2 months ago

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#depression is so weird. have been getting everything i want and have been experiencing such wonderful things #but i've been feeling like i can't enjoy any of it and that there's this horrible thick glass wall between me and my emotions and the world #i'm really hoping that things like getting back to work (took a long vacation) and alone time and #trying to do things like going for walks and stretching and eating more often will help #i may even look for further part time employment :')#and also will hopefully begin giving clothes away soon (that have been in to give away boxes for years now) to friends and their friends #it's been weighing on me for a while and i think part of it is that i need to feel more in control of my life and my space #but i fear it may also just be normal old depression as well :( and i am completely forgetting #all of the things you're supposed to do to help yourself when the depression gets really unbearably bad #usually it is anxiety and ocd that are giving me the most problems but now depression has reared its head up over those two again #idk i guess all this to say i am grateful and i had fun and i love everyone and nothing bad happened but i dont feel happy lately #my post

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gay-fordeath · 3 months ago

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#dont call anyone im safe im fine im just venting. tw for suicide/self harm/kind of intense language. ideally no ones reading this tho #bro i cant keep living like this #i dread waking up every day so much that i dread even falling asleep #i got insomnia medication in my system and my brain is still like nope absolutely not #i cant keep up at my job even when i am rested enough #i get headaches every other day #my instant mental reaction in the face of stress is to hurt myself (i have not)#like fuck. i work for the disability department of an insurance company #i know for a fact that (probably) every contract stipulates we wont cover disabilities as a result of self inflicted injuries #which is supposed to prevent ppl from taking advantage of the system or whatever #and im always like if someone goes to the lengths of actively injuring themselves to the point of disability #in the name of 'getting out of work'#that person is not 'taking advantage of the system' THAT PERSON IS FUCKING MENTALLY ILL #AND I WOULD KNOW BC I AM ONE OF THOSE PPL #do not come for me on some shit about wanting to disable yourself being morally questionable i cant be concerned abt that rn #i gotta focus on the fact that i hate my life so much id rather break my own right hand than continue it #its an improvement from the active suicidal ideation but its still a symptom of the passive ideation #fucking hell. im too self aware so i absolutely feel like im faking it or making shit up so i can be lazy and not work and whatever #but FUCKING CHRIST theres no way. if i had a choice i wouldnt let myself feel like this.#i just got to a point where i can live alone and support myself. i was so happy and so proud of myself. I don't want to lose that #but god every phone call i have to make for work makes me want to hurt myself. every early morning (and there arent many!!! i mostly work #from home!!!) makes me wish i was dead. i have to sleep for hours after work more often than not. i cant really maintain my living space #theres fucking. mold and discoloration and shit on a bunch of my clothes and some of my bags and shit!!#cause i cant fucking keep my room clean and my basement apartment got fucking humid over the summer and so much moisture got trapped #i constantly have dirty dishes getting moldy before i get to them #i just dont have the fucking energy. i want to take better care of my space. i want to be more social. i just want to go to sleep without #fucking dreading waking up. i wanna go a full week without a headache. i want my stress response to be something other than the intense and #overwhelming desire to cut myself. if i start again i dont know if ill be able to stop and i know i wont be able to keep it to my arms/legs/#easily hidden parts of my body. last breakdown i escalated to my face and i know ill pick up from there.#fuck

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forcedhesitation · 1 year ago

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I finished act 2 again, but properly this time. and I cannot even begin to put into words how satisfying and beautiful all of that was. I loved act 2 the first time I played, but figuring out how to save the last light this time, properly completing halsin's quest, storming moonrise towers with jaheira and her harpers, seeing aylin reunite with isobel...all of it. I love it even more. and the beginning of act 3 feels all the more rewarding, having fixed my past errors.