#when I should really be worried about my self-esteem

[waifuoftomonori]

I wanted an unambiguously kinkier one so I rerolled (we can say it's the second most popular fic). - Title is a Mitski Song (who is this? - did a quick Google search; okay, to be fair, I do bet on losing dogs, metaphorically, because in my head they're always the underdog, and sometimes I am proven right) - Learning to Trust Others - Tooth-Rotting Fluff This sounds lovely and heart-warming and all, but goddammit, what's a girl gotta do to get some smut written about her? Third fic better not let me down. - Heavy Angst - Porn with Feelings - Time Travel Y'know what, sure. I'll take it.

Spin this wheel of ~300 AO3 tags three times.

[izadi234]

Forget me not

-Warning: Contain yandere themes, neglected! gn!reader, mention of low self-esteem, the writer's first language isn't English. Yan! Batfamily x gn! reader

Chapters Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 (You're here) Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6

Chapter 3

For Duke it was a normal day after going to a classmate's house to finish a group project. He was eager to show you the project and talk to you about his day as he had started to do since the first day he set foot in Wayne Manor.

He could never forget that day...

The first time Duke went to Wayne Manor he was a bundle of nerves along with other emotions. He had just lost his parents due to the Joker's toxin and had just started his training with Bruce. He couldn't deny that he wasn't grateful to the billionaire and his family of vigilantes but he did miss that normality in his day to day life like when his parents were still well.

It was a day that he was lost in the mansion that was the one that found you. He had just finished his training with Bruce and Damian and had the intention of returning to his room when he got lost, but it wasn't until he ran into someone that he finally paid attention to where he was walking.

You were walking down the hall with your laptop in your hands, it seemed like you had just come from outside. He had never seen you before but Damian had mentioned that he had an older sibling that he didn't give much importance to.

"Oops, sorry. You okay, kiddo?" you asked him kindly

"Uh, yeah, I'm fine. I should apologize. I didn't see where I was going" the young man apologized

"I see you're lost, these hallways of the mansion aren't that frequented" you commented

"Really? And what are you doing here then?"

"My room is over here" you commented

"Ah..." He didn't know what to say

"You must be the new kid that Bruce adopted, right?"

"Yes, it's me" he nodded

"It's a pleasure, I'm (Name)" you extended your hand to shake it and he took it

He could immediately notice the warmth of your hand, they weren't rough and hard like the hands of others, but he could feel familiarity in your grip. It felt like home.

"Duke" he nodded as he shook your hand

"Well Duke, if you want I can guide you through these halls. It's almost impossible not to get lost in this place" you chuckled

"Yeah... I'd like that" he said with a smile

"Well, then follow me!" you said with a smile as you then guided him through the Manor

From that meeting on, Duke looked for any excuse to go talk to you. He soon discovered that the family didn't show much interest in you, which he couldn't understand why. In a family of vigilantes, being the most normal should be a relief, right? Or at least that's how he saw it, since when he was with you, he felt like he was going back to his old life, without worries or training.

That's why from then on he always waited for the time to be able to go find you.

What a surprise he would get when he saw that you weren't there

Once he entered Wayne Manor, Duke immediately went to look for you in your room only to find it empty. He felt his heart stop for a second.

No... It can't be...

"Alfred!" Duke shouted in search of the butler as he ran to the kitchen and there he saw Alfred who was making food for the Waynes.

"Alfred! Have you seen (Name)? Her room is empty!" the boy spoke quickly

"Yes, I am sorry to have to tell you this Master Duke, but our dear (Name) has left the mansion" informed the butler

"What?! So fast? N-no… They couldn't leave here… Much less without saying goodbye…" he said incredulously

It was like losing his parents all over again.

"They left me a letter in my room. I suppose they left one in yours too Master Duke"

Without saying another word, Duke ran to his room where he found a letter on his bed that had his name on it. He read it and right there (Name) said goodbye to him, thanked him for his company and just like with Alfred, left him the cell phone number of his second phone in case he wanted to talk to them.

"No… It can't be…" said Duke as he let a few tears escape from his eyes

How could he not stop them?

"Please don't cry Master Duke" said a voice from the door of his room. It was Alfred who looked at him with eyes that reflected sorrow and sadness but at the same time determination.

"I know that the departure of Master (Name) was something that hurt you and me" the butler began to speak

"But I assure you that they will return home"

"How Alfred? It was more than obvious that they wanted to leave here" he said between sadness and bitterness "But I don't understand, why did no one in this place pay attention to them? They are a Wayne too"

You were like a refreshing stream for him, you were like a glass of ice water in the middle of a desert.

Why did no one in this damn place notice?

"I couldn't answer that, Master Duke, but what we both know is that the behavior of the members of this family towards (Name) has been unfair and unjustified" Alfred walked towards the young guard and sat next to him

"I spent years waiting for someone else to see how amazing they were, but no one noticed, no one tried to get to know them" he unconsciously closed his hands into fists "And I can say that it was partly my fault, but you came along and finally someone realized what a great person we had in the family"

Alfred turned to look at him and put a hand on his shoulder which he gave a light squeeze.

"And for that same reason that they have such a powerful light, in a place like Gotham it is important to take care of them"

Duke looked at Alfred for a few seconds and then looked at the ground.

He is right. Their light is very bright. He can't let anyone turn it off.

"But… How are you going to do it Alfred? How are you going to get them back? Not even half of the people who live here remember who they are" said the young vigilante irritated

"Don't worry about that Master Duke, but you will have to help me with some things"

Don't worry (Name), you will return home.

Whether you want to or not.

But you will be by their side

It's been 2 weeks since you left Wayne Manor and to be honest… You've never been happier in your life!

Sure, you'd always had a lot of independence but now this independence felt different, it felt more refreshing.

Likewise, college had also been an interesting change from a social and academic point of view since a few years ago you had studied online and life at university was a bit chaotic but you were starting to like it.

You rented your apartment to an old man who owned the building and who kindly let you pay your rent little by little. Inside it were a few pieces of furniture that were already there, however, you gave it some personal touches to feel more at home. But what couldn't be missing were photos of your parents (F/N) and (M/N), Alfred and Duke with you.

You couldn't complain, you were living a true dream.

But live it up and savor it while you can

Because soon you'll lose it all

You were in the kitchen of your apartment making dinner when your phone rang. You picked it up and answered without looking at who it was,

"Hello?" you said as you answered your phone

"Hey (Name)!" a familiar voice greeted you

"Oh, hey Duke!" you said enthusiastically "How have you been? How's school going?"

"Oh been good, lots of homework" he chuckled "I was calling you because I wanted to see you"

"Oh yeah, sure" you nodded "Do you need me for something specific?"

"No no. I just want to see you. I miss you being around the mansion" he admitted

"Aww, you're really sweet Duke but I'm sure you have plenty of company at Wayne Manor" now was your turn to chuckle

"Yeah, they're good company but you're my best confidant and sibling"

You're MY home…

"Okay Duke, if you want we can see each other tomorrow" you proposed

"Sure!" he excited

"Perfect" you giggled at his excitement "How about we meet at the park near downtown Gotham?"

"Okay" he nodded

"Fine, see you tomorrow bro!" you said goodbye to him

"See you tomorrow sibling" he said goodbye before hanging up the call

You smiled just thinking about seeing Duke tomorrow. You couldn't wait to do it.

This was your first mistake. Trusting him.

"It's done Alfred" said Duke from the doorway of the living room

"They agreed to see me tomorrow"

"Okay Master Duke" Alfred nodded and then dusted the furniture again

"Now what?" asked the young man

"Now all that's left is to wait for me to arrive tomorrow and just follow my instructions" the butler commanded

"So… do you think all this is going to work? What if it doesn't?" he asked, half scared and half anxious

Alfred turned to look at the nervous boy and walked towards him. He placed a hand on his shoulder in an assuring manner.

"It's going to work" he assured him "Now go rest, tomorrow you're going to have a busy day"

Duke nodded, still a little unsure, but he didn't say anything else. Then he retired to his bedroom.

When he left Alfred couldn't help but smile a little. Everything was going as he had been planning and although he knew that this plan wasn't going to be to your liking in the least, he was also sure that this was the best for you.

Yes… This was the best thing for you…

For you…

For you…

For you…

For you…

For you…

For you…

For you…

For you…

For y…

For y…

For them..

For them...

For them...

For him…

This was going to be the best thing for HIM

This was going to bring you home to HIM

His little ray of sunshine

Helloooo. Here it goes the third chapter! I hope you like it and I swear that in the next one the rest of the family will appear, still I would love to heart what do you expect of this work! And even some ideas!

Also I added the people that told me to add them in tag list so if you want to be added please tell me and I will happily add you. And also if I missed someone please tell me as well because I'm a bit blind most of the times and despite being on tumblr for a while now I'm still getting used to using it ":v

So if you liked this chapter please leave a heart and I'll see you on the next one!

-Izadi

TAG LIST

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[euphoria-looney]

My heart absolutely breaks for (name) in the ‘Hold me, console me’ au, like they’ve gotten the short end of the stick entirely.

If the Batfam do like try to reconcile, I don’t think it could ever end well at all. Of course, it never really does in Batfam aus, but in this one especially it’s just so tragic.

(Name) can literally never have a normal family, even in ‘reconciliation’ the family employ the same treatment they use on D/n and M/n but it’s even worse on (Name) because they aren’t some little kid or a mother, no they’re an emotionally unstable teenager who has no qualms with absolutely destroying anyone’s self-esteem.

It’d probably be difficult but also really eye-opening for Bruce as well, that he’s made his child feel so unwanted that they reject everyone and make absolutely no effort to reciprocate anything the Batfam do at all.

You made this so well I should give the story right to you frfr/j

Anyways

Let me just write this on my phone Grammarly.

"may you never forget me" By Temachii

Divider Creds: @plutism and @miuji

So much more.

Special

3rd POV

It would be hard to track the [name] [last name] down, even if their face is on all the billboards that could be seen across the world.

They had become very popular in a matter of three years, three years of leaving Wayne Manor.

No surprise to them that no one tried to contact them through messages only that mother-daughter duo that seemed desperate. However, they couldn't help but facepalm at their own stupidity of not leaving Alfred a way to contact them.

But after tracking bombs, bomb threats, and villains, well, tracking down one big face in the world shouldn’t be hard for the vigilantes of the most crime-rated city.

That's what Bruce Wayne thought, he never thought that his child would arm their security so well, that it might as well have two arms. (THAT DUDE)

However, through peer luck, they found a breakthrough (they found them and followed them home).

[name] was surprised when their doorbell rang, one of their maids offered to get it but she refused and made their way to the door, opening to a family reunion outside or something.

“It’s time to stop this madness and come home [name], you’re putting a bad name on us.” Damian huffed peeking at the interior of this massive apartment/penthouse complex.

He couldn’t help but be a wee bit impressed, not only because these apartments seemed so expensive, it’s also that on top of owning this place they also owned the whole building.

“I hate to admit this, but Damian’s right. Don’t be a child [name], so what if we didn’t give you attention? Shouldn’t you understand we’re busy? Even finding the time to come here and retrieve you has impacted our schedules” Tim scolded the 21-year-old like she had used a Sharpie to draw on the wall.

They seemed to believe [name] would fold just by their presence.

‘‘Did you guys come to bring me back or have the door slam shut in your face.” [name] seemed serene but the more these strangers blabbered in their ears, they couldn't help but feel as if nails were on a chalkboard just for the peer satisfaction for themselves to let out their own complaints on the victim.

“Don’t be like that guys, you'll have to forgive them [name] that's just how they are, you know? Listen, [name], mom and [D/D] are worried about you, you don't want them to be nervous you're out here gone with no one keeping an eye on you, let's forget about this and go home." Dick tried to calm the tension but it only increased when he once again covered for mistakes his family made.

[name] could only narrow their eyes at this pathetic attempt to convince them to return to the manor and lock away.

"Even now, it's always, 'you know how they are [name]. You'll have to forgive them [name]. They had a difficult childhood [name]. We had a difficult childhood [name]. Me, me, me. That is all I'm hearing from your "convincing stories." You're ruining our family name, [name]. Stop acting like a child, [name]. Just shut up!" [name]'s words were rushed out sparing them any words of argument. They were breathing heavily regaining their composure.

"That's enough, out of all of you. [name], at the end of the day, those are your brothers, and you, their sibling. Besides, you're too young to be able to leave the house. As your father, I'm telling you to come home. No punishment will happen. You're making [M/D] and [D/D] very distraught, hm?" Bruce stepped in playing the role that was left empty for years.

[name] could only scoff.

"When did you want to be my father figure? Wait- no-, who am I kidding, you're doing this for [M/D] and [D/D] right? This isn't about bringing me home, is it?" [name] could only huff before motioning for the maid and they went to the living room.

“Let’s do this somewhere more comfortable.”

The maid lined up slippers making the family that arrived slip off their outside shoes and glance at each other.

The maid led them to the living room they could only admire the expensive layout before a bulter set a set of tea down at the table making each a cup.

After that heated moment, the atmosphere became awkward with nothing to bring up to kill the quiet tension.

"What made you think I would come back home?" [name] decided to break the silence. Taking a sip of the tea.

"[name], this isn't about [M/D] and [D/D]" Bruce decided to bring up the point they made at the doorway. They didn't give a reaction though, reverting back to the kid that was once hidden in the manor's wall not seen nor heard.

Guess they did learn one thing being there, poker face.

"We all want you home, we came here to apologize, we do want you home. We do. Didn't you love the house? When we go back all the attention will be on you-" Dick was about to approach them, holding their hand like a comforting sibling's, eyes that would convey 'it would all be okay.'

Tim was nodding his head, and Damian was just watching this all go down as he was advised not to speak at the moment since he was driven to say things that would make the situation worse, but can't [name] just see? It's because he also wants them back home.

"Do you think I'm still that child that would beg for a scrap of attention?" [name] wanted them to snap out of their delusions just like they had to, years back.

"For the longest time, I had believed I deserved to be treated like I didn't exist. I was known as [name] Wayne, only by name, only to myself was I even known by that last name. No matter how hard I would tug at someone's sleeve to come to a recital or a performance, and even competition I would only get to see my other competitors get something I didn't even if I was first or the best. familial love." They sat their teacup down.

"So I thought 'they're busy' since that's always the excuse right? I resorted to leaving card invites, and flyers, which didn't work so it may have been the event I was doing. No matter what I switched to, it never mattered. I only stopped when I took more notice of how many invitations I would see in the trash, thrown away like a candy wrapper. You couldn't even imagine how I had such a degrading mindset for myself at that young age."

They looked down at the hands of their lap. Finding it an old habit when they sat alone at the very center of attention of the event they were doing after scanning the crowd just to be disappointed each time.

"Did you even look at what was on the piece of 'useless' paper or did you just see my name and know it was a waste of time?" They stared at all of them, not expecting a response.

Their words sunk so deep into four of the most respected and influential people in the world, the four hero vigilantes.

"I think I've spoken enough for the day, so you'll have to understand my reasoning for not wanting to forgive and reconcile with you and your family, or wanting to go back with you and that those simple words of 'I'm sorry' doesn't fix anything. I'm sure you all are busy. You always are, aren't you?"

"Do see them out." [name] handed a maid their finished cup of tea.

"[name], we do care about you... no matter how many events we missed. We came here for you... didn't we?" Tim crossed his arms.

"How old am I?"

"What?"

"That might be a hard question. Let's give this another go, how old was I when I entered the manor?"

"I don't-"

"That's shocking that Tim does not know something for once."

"Well, that's not fair. I wasn't there when you first entered the house." Damian tried to make a point.

"You're right. When's my birthday."

"..."

"What's the first sport I tried."

"... Soccer? No- wait, ice skating."

It was ballet.

"No. What's the first instrument I played?"

"What's my favorite activity to do?"

"What's my favorite food?"

"When did I get into business?"

"When did I get into the medical field?"

Question after question was left with no answers just blank stares and idiotic guessing attempts.

"How long has it been since I've moved out of the house?"

"... a year at most?" Dick guesses again.

"Three years, I left on my birthday, since you don't remember when that is I'll just tell you it was on my 18th birthday when I became legally of age."

[name] turned to Bruce who kept silent the whole time during this trial, maybe it was because he didn't know the answers, but maybe it was also that even with the question he learned facts about [name] that he brushed aside before.

18th year of age? No. That couldn't be, you, who was once so little roaming around the halls with those small steps?

And that was three years ago, so that makes you what? 21? you could be drinking any day without him knowing.

"So Bruce, am I still too young to be throwing a "fit" running away, are these guys really my siblings and the others while I'm at it? Did you really come here for me? Or are you still lying to my face that you didn't only come here to make [M/D and [D/D] happy?"

They could only sigh at the sight in front of them, the Waynes acting shocked like this information came out of someone's left ass cheek.

"Send my regards to Alfred and I guess [M/D] and [D/D] I can see why they don't like it there, you're treating me like how you would with them, acting as if I'm incompetent, unable to do anything for myself. I pity them, I do."

With that, the mission was deemed a failure.

Escorted out of the building with the Valet driver handing over their cars.

Originally this was supposed to be a chapter before I started putting more ideas for my So Much More series. There will probably be a chapter like this but different as the chapter 3 I'm making is a major plot twist.

Also, I wanted MC to be calm in any situation and level-headed so that is also why this wasn't going to become a chapter until I saw this really amazing request!

I hope the request was done correctly halfway through writing this I was like 'Is this even right?' as if I didn't know what was going on in my own story.

I also didn’t include all of the family members bc that would be to many so we’ll just say they had missions and didn’t want anything to happen to [M/D] and [D/D] which making Alfred watch over them.

Also they didn’t sedate [name] as they weren’t able to with the amount of maids and butlers around and [name] is too smart and rich not to hire some sort of security or protection.

I will be working on my SG x DC series next chapter after this but also on fanfiction for another account, I have on Wattpad that I haven't updated in months and wouldn't want my readers over there to be too starved.

Anyway, with all that said and done tysm for reading!

(The interior of the penthouse/apartment I was imagining- can you tell I like K-Drama?)

(I'm not sure if you guys wanted to be tagged in this since it is not another part but just a special but here's a tag list)

@cozmie @nxdxsworld @overcaffeinatedfreak @strwberryglass @leiiasurez @randomlyappearingartist @sirenetheblogger @a-lurking-fae @darktrashpoetry

[mononijikayu]

boy, i, boy, i, boy, i know i know you got the feels — fushiguro megumi.

“You… want to be with me?” he repeated slowly, like he needed to say it out loud to make sure he understood. “Yes!” you said, more firmly this time. “I like you, Megumi. A lot!” For a long moment, he didn’t move, didn’t speak. “What..what do you mean by like? Do you mean…like like…..or…” You looked at him confused. “But of course I like you, Megumi. You’re like my best friend!” He lowered his head. “I see.” When Gojo Satoru heard all about that, he laughed so hard he fell off a chair. Fushiguro Tsumiki was worried but Fushiguro Megumi just slapped his arm while he coughed for air.

Genre: Alternate Universe — Canon Convergence;

Warning/s: Romance, Love, Fluff, First Love, Faling In Love, Hurt/Comfort, Strangers to Friends, Friends to Lovers, Feelings, Confessions, Anxiety, Self-Esteem, Awkwardness, Teasing, Sibling Relationship, Light-Hearted, Slice of Life, Humor, Protectiveness, Happy Ending, Teenage Angst, Young Love Is a Pain, Teenagers Going Through It, Sorcerer! Reader, Mild-Tsundere! Megumi, Mild-Tsundere! Reader, Gojo Satoru as a Brother;

Words: 7.8k words.

note: i wrote this maybe twice or thrice. i didn't like multiple drafts, so i kept rewriting. this was supposed to be more and more about the introspection of young people. i don't think i had that sort of phase. mine was pretty different. so i had to look into that feeling, like what would it feel like as a teenager to fall in love like this? anyway, i hope you enjoy this a lot. i love you all!!! <3

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IT WAS HARD TO EXIST THE WAY YOU WANTED. You feel like you’ve been like that all your life—too much. It doesn’t help that you were born a Gojo, like your brother. The expectations that came with the name were already heavy, but add that to everything else, and you stood out whether you wanted to or not.

You’ve always been taller—taller than the other girls in your class, taller than most of the boys too. It’s the kind of height that made you stick out awkwardly in photos, your limbs feeling too long, too noticeable, and like they never quite fit where they should.

And just as much, you were too loud. You were the kid who couldn’t sit still, who laughed too hard, and who spoke before thinking. You always had an opinion, a comment, or some joke to crack.

But while some people admired the confidence, others found it overwhelming. You’d hear them whisper about how you didn’t know how to take up less space, how you didn’t know when to stop talking. Even if they didn’t say it out loud, you could feel it—their exhaustion with your presence.

But none of their words mattered—not really. Because you never felt alone. Not when you had your brother. Satoru, with all his power and his cocky grin, had a way of making things lighter, easier. Like nothing in the world could ever bother you as long as he was there.

He always knew how to turn everything into a joke, how to lift the weight of the world off your shoulders like it was nothing. When people teased you for being too much, for being the loud Gojo girl who towered over everyone, he’d shrug it off like it was all beneath him. He never made you feel like you were too much for him.

With Satoru, it didn’t matter if you were awkward, clumsy, or too tall. He’d laugh with you, poke fun at your height like it was something to be proud of. And when people couldn’t handle you, when they stepped back because your energy was just a little too wild for them, Satoru was always there. He made you feel like the world was yours to take, that being "too much" was just another way of being more than enough.

Gojo Satoru was larger than life. He was the type who filled a room with his presence, never shy, never hesitant, always overflowing with energy. You followed in his wake, figuring that you’d grow up just like him—bold, confident, and, if you were lucky, a little ridiculous too.

People gravitated toward your brother, and you always figured they’d do the same with you, that you’d never feel small because you’d learned from the best how to be big, even if it wasn’t in the way you looked.

But of course, he had his own life too. And he was older than you. He had duties and dreams and hopes that he was going to chase after. Slowly but surely, you realized that your brother was not always going to be in your life.

You realized that he was going to live a life beyond you. He has to. And in the mind of a little girl, that had triggered some things. And you were inconsolable. You had never felt more distraught in your life.

“What are you even crying about?”

You had looked up, with your tear ridden blue eyes.

Blue–green gleams burned against your own orbs.

Then, there was Fushiguro Megumi.

Satoru had introduced you to him when you were both kids. It was a warm summer afternoon, and you remembered standing beside your brother, peeking curiously at the quiet boy who looked so out of place at your energetic, whirlwind of a home. 

“This is Megumi, little sis.” Satoru had said, patting the boy’s head with a wide grin. “He’s going to stay with us for a while with his sister. Take care of him, okay?”

You remembered Megumi’s solemn face, those intense, dark eyes peering up at you with a mix of wariness and confusion. Something about him stuck with you right away. He wasn’t like Satoru at all.

Where your brother was loud, brash, and always moving like a force of nature, Megumi was quiet, reserved, and even a little distant. But in that stillness, there was a calm that made you feel safe in a way you hadn’t expected. His presence was grounding, like he didn’t need to be loud to make an impact. The more time you spent around him, the more drawn in you became.

Even as a kid, you knew there was something special about him, something that made your heart skip in a way that confused you at first. He didn’t chase after attention like others did. He seemed comfortable being on the sidelines, watching quietly as if the chaos around him couldn’t reach him. And somehow, that pulled you in even more.

You’d find yourself watching him—whether it was during meals when he’d quietly pick at his food while Satoru jabbered on about nonsense, or when he’d curl up in a corner of the house, reading a book that looked too difficult for his age. You admired how steady he was, how he always seemed so unaffected by the noise and chaos that surrounded him.

One time, you even tried to mimic that calmness. You’d sat beside him in the living room, crossing your legs and folding your hands neatly in your lap, glancing over at him to see if he noticed. Megumi had looked up from his book, raising an eyebrow slightly. 

“What… are you doing?”

“Trying to be calm.” you’d announced proudly, puffing your chest out a little. “Like you.”

He blinked at you, his serious expression almost comically puzzled. “Why?”

“Because you’re… cool!” you’d blurted out, cheeks heating up. “You’re, um, like a cat. Quiet and… mysterious.” Even back then, you were terrible at explaining yourself, but the words just tumbled out in your eagerness to be understood.

Megumi’s lips twitched, and you’d swear you saw the faintest hint of a smile. “A cat?” he echoed, looking almost amused.

“Yeah!” you’d nodded enthusiastically. “Cats don’t need to be loud or run around to be interesting. They just… are. Like you.”

He’d stared at you for a moment, then ducked his head, ears turning pink. “That’s… a weird thing to say.”

You’d deflated a little, afraid you’d embarrassed yourself, but then Megumi had quietly shifted a bit closer, still looking down at his book. “But… thanks.” he’d mumbled, voice barely above a whisper. “I guess.”

That small, almost shy acknowledgment had made your heart swell with a warmth you didn’t quite understand. From then on, you found yourself seeking out his company more and more, content to sit beside him even if neither of you spoke much. Back then, it was simple. You just wanted to be near him, to be a part of that quiet space he seemed to create around himself.

But it wasn’t long before that simple admiration started to turn into something more. You’d catch yourself staring at him a little longer, noticing things like the way his eyes softened when he looked at you or how his hair would fall just a bit over his forehead, making you want to brush it away. Whenever Satoru teased him and made him blush, you felt an inexplicable urge to do something, anything, to make him smile instead.

Years later, that feeling only grew stronger, until it became impossible to ignore. And now, standing under the sakura trees, feeling like your heart might burst out of your chest, you finally realized why. Megumi had always been special to you, in a way no one else ever could be. And the thought of telling him that was terrifying—but also, thrilling.

You took a deep breath, trying to steady yourself. “Hey, Megumi,” you called out softly, stepping closer to where he stood. He glanced up, surprised by the sound of your voice cutting through the silence. “Do you remember when I said you’re like a cat?”

Megumi frowned slightly, as if trying to recall, then gave a hesitant nod. “Yeah, I think so. Why?”

“Well…” You bit your lip, fighting the urge to look away. “I still think that. But I also think… you’re more than just that.”

His eyebrows knitted together in confusion. “What do you mean?”

“You’re…” You took a deep breath, the words coming out in a rush. “You’re everything I’ve always wanted, Megumi. You’re kind, and you make me feel safe. And… and I want to be with you. Always.”

The silence that followed was almost unbearable. Megumi just stared at you, his eyes wide, his mouth slightly open as if he couldn’t believe what he was hearing.

“You… want to be with me?” he repeated slowly, like he needed to say it out loud to make sure he understood.

“Yes!” you said, more firmly this time. “I like you, Megumi. A lot!”

For a long moment, he didn’t move, didn’t speak. “What..what do you mean by like? Do you mean…like like…..or…”

You looked at him confused. “But of course I like you, Megumi. You’re like my best friend!”

He lowered his head. “I see.”

When Gojo Satoru heard all about that, he laughed so hard he fell off a chair. Fushiguro Tsumiki was worried but Fushiguro Megumi just slapped his arm while he coughed for air.

But as you grew older, those feelings started to change, become more complex, more uncertain. It wasn’t just a childhood crush anymore; it was something deeper. You found yourself thinking about Megumi in ways that left you feeling vulnerable, like there was a part of you that would always be reaching out to him, even if you weren’t sure he’d reach back.

It hits you suddenly;like lightning straight to your heart. You’re sitting on the couch with Megumi and your brother Satoru, casually chatting about nothing in particular, but every time Megumi glances your way, something flips inside you. It’s ridiculous, really, how just the smallest brush of his fingers against yours sends you spiraling.

You try to stay composed, but your mind is racing, wondering if he feels it too. Does his heart skip when your knees touch? Is he trying to steal glances at you the way you do when he’s not looking? Your thoughts swirl—Catching feels like butterflies—and it’s getting harder to focus on the conversation.

Satoru notices immediately, of course. The knowing smirk on his face is impossible to miss.

"Hey, you good?" he asks, voice laced with amusement. "You're looking kinda flushed. Maybe it's the heat—oh wait, maybe it's just Cupid."

You shoot him a glare, but the grin on his face only widens.

"Shut up." you mutter, crossing your arms, though the heat in your cheeks betrays you. “Focus on everything else except me.”

He leans in closer, eyes glinting with mischief. "Ooooh, are you catching feels?" He snickers, clearly enjoying your discomfort. "This is too good! I thought you were just spacing out, but nope, you're totally—boom-boom-boom from head to toe."

Megumi glances over, raising an eyebrow. "What are you talking about?"

Before you can even attempt to answer, Satoru’s all over it, teasing mercilessly. "Oh, nothing! Just my dearest sister here having a bit of a heart-fluttering moment. But don’t worry, Megumi, she’s just having a moment. But boy, I know, boy I know, my sis has the feels!"

You want to disappear right then and there. Of course, Satoru would turn this into a full-blown spectacle. You manage to meet Megumi’s gaze, and to your surprise, there’s a slight flush on his cheeks too.

"Ignore him, okay?" Megumi says, voice calm but softer than usual. He smiles at you, for a moment. You could feel yourself getting hot. He was pretty when he smiled. Oh my god. “He’s just…annoying again.”

“Nuh-uh!”

“Spoken like a child.”

It gives you a little hope, just enough to make you wonder if maybe—just maybe—his heart beats the same way.

But before you can dwell on that, Satoru’s voice cuts through the moment, "You’re both hopeless! Just admit it already. This is too entertaining."

You groan, burying your face in your hands, but there’s no denying it anymore. You’ve got all the feels, and Satoru isn’t about to let you forget it. “Shut up!”

“No!” He snickers back at you, tongue out. 

“I’m telling mom about this!”

“Hey, don’t! Mom’s gonna yell at me!”

The doubt crept in slowly at first. You couldn’t help but notice how different you were from the girls Megumi seemed to glance at from time to time—small, delicate girls, the kind that looked like they belonged in some romantic movie. Girls who were easy to hold, easy to protect. Girls who fit perfectly into that image of what you thought a guy like Megumi might want.

It’s not like you’d caught him staring or anything, but you’d seen the way his eyes lingered on them, just for a second longer than usual. It wasn’t anything obvious, but you noticed—of course, you noticed. And once you did, it was like a seed of doubt planted itself in your mind, growing roots and spreading.

You’re not like that. Not even close.

You’re too loud. Always have been. The kind of loudness that people notice before you even say a word. The one who laughs too hard at jokes, talks over people without meaning to, and fills every silence with something because you hate the quiet. Megumi, though? He thrives in the quiet. His calm, composed presence is so opposite to your own chaotic energy that it feels like a constant reminder of how you could never be his type.

And then there’s the height thing. You’re not sure why it bothers you so much, but it does. You’ve caught yourself slouching a little around him, trying to shrink yourself because standing next to Megumi, you feel like you’re towering over him. You feel awkward, too tall, like you’re out of place in his world of composed strength.

It’s silly, right? He’s not short, not by any means, but standing next to him? It feels like you take up too much space, like you’re the hurricane and he’s the calm in the storm. How could someone like that ever be into someone like you?

And it’s not just your height. It’s everything. You’re messy, clumsy, always blurting out what’s on your mind without thinking. Megumi’s quiet, reserved, the kind of guy who takes his time to process things, to consider every angle. Meanwhile, you’re tripping over your words, interrupting without meaning to, and trying way too hard to fill the silence when you know you should probably just shut up.

You groan inwardly, sinking further into the couch as Satoru continues to tease you, his voice still echoing in your head. "You’re totally catching feels, sis." he had said, laughing like it was the funniest thing in the world. And maybe to him, it is. But to you? It’s terrifying.

Because you know—you know—that you’re not the kind of person Megumi would go for. You’re not the small, delicate girl who looks like she stepped out of a dream. You’re loud, too tall, too much. And even if Megumi’s too polite to say anything, you can’t help but think that deep down, he’s got to notice it too.

Maybe that’s why you’ve been trying to ignore these feelings. They don’t make sense. How could they? You’re so different, and not in a way that balances out. More like in a way that makes you wonder what you’re even doing here, sitting next to him, pretending like you belong.

You risk a glance at Megumi. He’s focused on the TV, his usual thoughtful expression in place. He’s probably not even thinking about you, not the way you’re obsessing over every little detail. And why would he?

Guys like him don’t go for girls like you.

One evening, you found yourself sprawled on the couch, a bowl of popcorn balancing precariously on your stomach as you stared at the ceiling, sighing dramatically for the tenth time in five minutes.

Satoru, who was sitting at the dining table messing with his phone, finally looked up, one eyebrow raised. “Alright, what’s the deal? You’ve been sighing like you’re auditioning for a soap opera. You’ve been out of it for a while.”

You rolled your eyes but couldn’t help a small laugh. “It’s nothing. It’s just… falling in love is so hard.”

Satoru’s eyes twinkled with amusement. “Oh? Now we’re talking about love, huh?” He grinned and wiggled his eyebrows like he was about to drop some great wisdom. “Who’s the unlucky guy? Is it Hibari Kyoya this time? Or….well…Jeon Jungkook?”

You groaned and buried your face in the couch pillow. “It’s not about one guy! It’s the whole process. It’s exhausting. Why can’t it just be easy?”

Satoru walked over and plopped down beside you, stealing a handful of your popcorn. “Easy? Love is supposed to be fun. I’m fun, and I’m great at love. What are you doing wrong? Tell big brother, little sis.”

You shot him a death glare, which only made him chuckle. “You make everything sound like a competition. I can’t exactly just… Gojo Satoru my way through love.”

“I mean, you could.” he said, popping a kernel into his mouth. “Have you tried being as charming as me?”

“Oh, please. I am charming!” you said, sitting up and throwing a piece of popcorn at him. “It’s just… ugh, you know what I mean. It’s like every time I like someone, they’re all obsessed with those cute, tiny, delicate girls. And then there’s me.” You gestured at your tall frame with both hands, adding a dramatic flair. “Loud, unignorable, tall-as-a-tree me. Freak of nature, if you will!”

Satoru snorted. “You make it sound like you’re a giraffe or something. And please, you’re hardly a freak of nature. I’m tall and petite all the same.”

“Sometimes it feels like it!” you huffed, crossing your arms. “Do you know how hard it is to casually lean on someone when they’re two heads shorter than you? I could break them!”

“Good point.” Satoru said with mock seriousness. “Being tall and fabulous is clearly a burden.”

You shot him a look. “Don’t patronize me, you’re not helping.”

Satoru laughed and patted your head like you were a puppy. “Come on, what’s wrong with being tall? It’s your thing. Own it. Besides, nothing you can do about Gojo genes. We are tall.”

You sighed again, this time more dramatically. “It’s not just the height, Satoru-nii. It’s everything! The girls guys like are all quiet and soft, and I’m like… a walking megaphone with legs for days.”

Satoru smirked. “First of all, you’re not a megaphone. Maybe a karaoke machine, at worst.”

You threw a cushion at him, but he ducked easily, still grinning. “And second of all,” he continued, “you’re focusing on the wrong stuff. Guys don’t just like small, quiet girls. That’s a myth. Trust me, you just need to find the guy who appreciates that you could easily dunk on him in basketball.”

You couldn’t help but laugh at that image. “Oh yeah, super romantic. ‘Hey, babe, let me dunk on you real quick.’”

“Exactly!” Satoru said with a wink. “You’ve got to use what makes you awesome, not hide it. I mean, look at Meg—” He cut himself off, eyes twinkling mischievously. “You know, I thought I was gonna set it aside, maybe you’re too logical about things but….”

Your heart skipped a beat, and you instantly went into defense mode. “W–what about Megumi?”

“Nothing, nothing!” he said, holding up his hands innocently. “Just saying, he’s quiet, and you’re loud. Could be a good balance. You never know…”

You blushed furiously, tossing the rest of your popcorn at him. “Satoru-nii! He’s your student! I can’t just and someone under your care—ugh!”

Satoru laughed like this was the most entertaining thing he’d heard all week. “Hey, all I’m saying is, maybe you’re thinking about this whole ‘falling in love’ thing too hard. Maybe you’re already in love and just don’t know what to do about it. Or maybe….you just don’t want to talk about it, per se.”

You glared at him, but he kept going, grinning like a cat who had caught a mouse. “Besides, if Megumi ever needs someone to keep him grounded, who better than you? You’d definitely shake up his boring, quiet life. He likes color too, you know. He’s just…more somber about it. You know how he is!”

You groaned and flopped back down on the couch, hiding your face again. “I don’t even know if he likes me, okay? He’s probably never looked at me that way before or ever, and I’m just… me. What if he thinks I’m annoying?”

Satoru rolled his eyes dramatically. “Please. Everyone thinks you’re annoying, and they still like you.” He dodged another pillow you threw at him and continued, “Besides, Megumi doesn’t hang out with people unless he likes them. Have you ever seen him willingly spend time with anyone else besides me? Or Kugisaki or Itadori?”

You blinked. That was a good point. Megumi did spend a lot of time with you—more than with most other people. But still…

“You think so?” you mumbled, feeling a glimmer of hope creep in.

Satoru gave you a soft smile—an unusually sincere expression for him. “Yeah, I do. And even if he’s not into it right now, anyone who can’t appreciate you for who you are is an idiot. You’re a catch, even if you do throw pillows like a five-year-old.”

You snorted, wiping at your eyes. “Thanks, I guess?”

“Anytime, little sis!” Satoru said, leaning back and tossing another piece of popcorn into his mouth. “Now, if you’re done complaining, let’s figure out how you can subtly drop-kick your way into Megumi’s heart.”

You rolled your eyes but smiled anyway. “I’m not drop-kicking him.”

“Too bad. It would’ve been fun to watch.”

“You’re so annoying, I hate you.”

He grinned. “No you don’t!”

HE WISHED HE WASN’T SUCH A KLUTZ ABOUT THIS. Fushiguro Megumi sat there, staring at his phone screen, his thumb hovering over the “send” button like it was some kind of bomb he wasn’t ready to detonate.

He had typed the message about ten times, erased it nine, and now, here he was, sweating over the tenth. All he needed to do was press send. That’s it. Just one tap, and he’d finally take a step toward telling you how he really felt.

But, as usual, his mind spiraled with doubts.

What if she doesn’t feel the same? What if this ruins everything? What if she’s just being nice to me because of Satoru?

He groaned, running a hand over his face. Why was this so hard? He could face curses, fight dangerous opponents, and handle life-or-death situations without batting an eye. But when it came to you, his brain turned into a tangled mess of uncertainty.

His internal crisis was interrupted by a loud knock on his door.

“Fuuuuuuushiiiiiiiguuuuuuuuroooooo! You in there?” Yuji’s voice rang out cheerfully. Before Megumi could even respond, the door swung open, and Yuji and Nobara barged in, grinning like they had just walked in on something juicy.

“Wha—what are you two doing here?” Megumi stammered, quickly locking his phone and shoving it into his pocket, hoping they hadn’t seen anything.

“Whatcha hiding?” Nobara asked immediately, her eyes narrowing with suspicion. She crossed her arms and gave him a look like she was about to crack a case wide open.

“Nothing.” Megumi said too quickly, which only made Yuji and Nobara more curious.

Yuji flopped onto the bed, making himself at home. “Come on, Fushiguro! You look like you were about to do something important.” He raised his eyebrows suggestively. “Something to do with a girl maybe?”

Megumi felt the tips of his ears go red. “What? No! It’s nothing.”

“Oh my god, he’s blushing!” Nobara exclaimed, smirking like a cat who’d caught a mouse. She nudged Yuji. “You know what that means.”

Yuji nodded sagely. “Yup. It’s definitely about a girl.”

Nobara laughs. “Oh, but not just any girl! You know….Gojo–sensei’s sister?”

“Wait!” Yuji’s eyes widened as Megumi looked away, the blush turning even more bright. “Fushiguro? Gojo–sensei’s sister!?”

Megumi groaned, feeling his face heat up even more. He could never hide anything from these two. It was like they had some kind of embarrassing moment radar. “No, it’s not! Leave it alone already!”

“Aha……” Nobara’s eyes sparkled with mischief. “It’s about Gojo Satoru’s sister, isn’t it? You’re so obvious about this!”

Megumi nearly choked on air. “Wha—no! I mean……” He trailed off, realizing that he was only digging himself deeper into a hole. “It’s not…It’s not what you think it is!”

“Oh my god, it is!” Nobara practically squealed. “You like her, don’t you?”

Yuji was grinning from ear to ear now, thoroughly enjoying Megumi’s suffering. “I knew it! You’re always all flustered around her.”

“I am not flustered. I am not….” Megumi muttered, looking away, which only made him look more flustered. “This is too much from you two!”

“Dude, you are so flustered, right now!” Yuji said, laughing. “It’s okay! You should just tell her how you feel.”

Megumi sighed, rubbing the back of his neck. “It’s not that easy.”

“Why not?” Nobara asked, throwing her hands up in exasperation. “You’re both into each other. I mean, she practically looks at you like you hung the stars in the sky. What’s the problem?”

Megumi blinked, caught off guard. “She… does?”

Nobara rolled her eyes. “Duh. How are you this dense? It’s so obvious! She’s always laughing at your jokes, even when they’re not funny.”

“Hey!” Megumi protested weakly.

“And she’s always finding excuses to be around you,” Yuji added. “Plus, the way she looks at you when she thinks no one’s watching? Come on, man, she’s into you.”

Megumi felt a flicker of hope, but his doubts crept back in. “But what if I’m wrong? What if I ruin things between us?”

Yuji and Nobara exchanged a look before turning back to him.

“Yo, Fushiguro!” Yuji said, clapping him on the shoulder. “You can’t spend your whole life worrying about what ifs. Just tell her. Worst case, things get a little awkward, but knowing her, she won’t let that happen.”

Nobara nodded. “And honestly, with how close you two already are, I’d bet money that she’s waiting for you to make the first move.”

Megumi let their words sink in, the knot of anxiety in his chest loosening just a little. Maybe they were right. Maybe he was overthinking everything. After all, you’d been dropping hints for a while now, hadn’t you? The lingering glances, the way you always seemed to gravitate toward him in a room full of people…

He pulled his phone back out, staring at the unsent message again.

Yuji peeked over his shoulder. “Ooh, you were gonna text her? What’re you waiting for? Send it!”

Nobara nodded eagerly. “Do it, do it, do it!”

With a deep breath, Megumi finally pressed send.

“Hey. Are you free tomorrow? Let’s talk.”

He tossed his phone onto the bed and slumped back against the wall, exhaling like he’d just run a marathon.

Nobara grinned triumphantly. “See? That wasn’t so hard.”

“Yeah.” Megumi muttered, though his heart was still racing. Now all he had to do was wait for your reply.

Yuji and Nobara, clearly pleased with themselves, exchanged a high-five. “Mission accomplished!” Yuji declared, grinning.

Megumi rolled his eyes but couldn’t help the small smile tugging at his lips. Maybe this wasn’t going to be so bad after all.

The moment Megumi pressed send, his stomach dropped. What had he just done? Now there was no going back. He couldn’t unsend the message, couldn’t take back the quiet confession it represented. All he could do was wait for your response.

Yuji and Nobara were still grinning like a pair of mischievous siblings who had just successfully pulled off a prank. Megumi, on the other hand, was wondering if he should just bury himself in his bed and never come out.

“So….....” Yuji leaned in, his eyes wide with excitement. “What now? You think she’s gonna reply right away? Maybe she’s been waiting for this all along!”

Nobara snickered. “I bet she’s freaking out right now, staring at her phone like, ‘Oh my god, THE Fushiguro Megumi finally texted me to talk. What do I do?!’” She mimicked a dramatic swoon, nearly falling off the chair, which only made Yuji burst out laughing.

“Would you two stop?” Megumi groaned, pulling a pillow over his face in an attempt to block out their teasing. His ears were still burning, and the last thing he needed was them making it worse.

“Come on, man! This is exciting!” Yuji said, playfully tugging the pillow away. “You’ve probably  been into her for ages! Didn’t you guys meet as kids? And now you’re finally doing something about it! You should be happy!”

Megumi peeked out from behind the pillow, his expression somewhere between annoyance and anxiety. “Yeah, or I could be about to make the most embarrassing mistake of my life.”

Nobara rolled her eyes. “Ugh, seriously? You’re not gonna make a mistake, Megumi. Trust me. That girl is totally into you.”

“Yeah. Pretty obvious to us.” Yuji added, “if you could see how she looks at you, you wouldn’t be worrying about this.”

Megumi hesitated, feeling a small flicker of hope again. Could it really be true? Did you look at him the same way he looked at you? He was usually pretty good at reading people, but when it came to you, his emotions seemed to get in the way, clouding his judgment.

His phone buzzed, and all three of them froze.

Yuji’s eyes widened. “That’s her, isn’t it?!”

Nobara practically lunged for the phone. “Open it, open it, open it!”

Megumi’s heart skipped a beat as he grabbed the phone, hands suddenly shaky. He unlocked it, and there it was—your reply.

Hey, yeah, I’m free tomorrow. What’s up?

It was simple, nothing out of the ordinary, but to Megumi, it felt like the weight of the world had just lifted off his shoulders. You didn’t sound nervous or weirded out. You just… replied. As if this was the most normal thing in the world.

He exhaled, not realizing he had been holding his breath.

“Well? What’d she say?” Nobara leaned in, practically on the edge of her seat.

“She said she’s free.” Megumi muttered, trying to sound casual, but the small smile tugging at his lips gave him away.

“Oh, look at him!” Yuji teased, nudging Megumi with his elbow. “He’s smiling! Megumi, man, you’re whipped.”

Megumi shot him a look. “I’m not whipped.”

“Yeah, you are.” Nobara said with a smirk. “And honestly? It’s kinda cute. I never thought I’d see the day when you, of all people, would get all flustered over a girl.”

Megumi rubbed his temples, feeling the beginnings of a headache. “Can you two go now?”

“Fine, fine.” Nobara stood up, stretching her arms above her head. “But remember, if you mess this up, we’re totally going to say, ‘I told you so.’”

Yuji chuckled, giving Megumi a thumbs-up as they headed for the door. “Good luck, lover boy.”

“Don’t call me that.” Megumi grumbled, but there was no real bite to his words. He was too relieved, too nervous, and, if he was honest with himself, a little excited.

As the door closed behind them, Megumi sat back down on the bed, staring at your message. His heart was still racing, but this time, it wasn’t just from nerves. There was something else—hope. Maybe, just maybe, this would turn out okay.

He typed out a quick response.

Cool. Let’s meet after training? I want to talk.

And with that, he tossed the phone onto the bed again, burying his face in his hands.

What am I even going to say? He had no idea, but tomorrow was coming whether he was ready or not.

Little did he know, you were sitting in your room, staring at your own phone, your heart racing just as fast.

AND SO IT HAPPENED. It was a crisp, sunny afternoon when you found yourself standing under the canopy of sakura trees, the pale pink petals drifting lazily to the ground. Everything about the moment was making you feel queasy, like your stomach was doing flips. Why was this making you feel so sick? Why was your heart pounding like this? You could still feel the heat from your nervous sweat, which only made it worse. How is feeling so much love making you feel like you were going to die? You hated this. You really hated this. 

Your elder brother, Satoru, had this knack for making every situation simultaneously better and worse. Walking beside you, he was grinning like he knew something you didn’t, that classic, cocky smirk plastered across his face.

“Good luck, little sis!” he teased, ruffling your hair like you were a kid. “I’m sure Megumi’s gonna love whatever awkward thing you’re about to say.”

You shot him a glare, your nerves bubbling up with his every word. “You’re not helping.”

“Who said I was trying to help?” He winked, clearly enjoying your suffering. You glared at him. “I’m just here for moral support... and to watch you squirm.”

“Thanks.” you muttered, the sarcasm dripping from your voice.

Satoru laughed, clapping you on the back. “Come on, it’s Megumi. He’s practically family. What’s the worst that could happen? He rejects you? Nah, you’ll be fine.”

you wished your brother didn’t have Infinity, just so you could land a good punch on him. Now, standing there, nerves making you feel like backing out entirely, you glanced at him one more time.

To your surprise, his teasing smirk faded, replaced with concern. "Hey, hey, don’t cry!" He waved his hands in front of you frantically. "I was joking! I didn’t mean to make you upset."

"It wasn’t funny!" you snapped, blinking rapidly as the threat of tears welled up. Why did he always have to push your buttons?

Satoru looked genuinely worried for a second, which was rare. "Okay, okay, listen..." His tone softened, a little less of that cocky edge. "If Megumi doesn’t like you back, that’s okay. There’s plenty of people who will love you better, alright? Genuinely."

You sniffed, still feeling that tight knot of anxiety in your chest. "Yeah, right."

"I mean it," he insisted, stepping closer and placing a hand on your shoulder. “Your good ol' big brother is one of them, okay? You’ll always be loved, doll. You’ve got me, forever. No one’s ever gonna change that.”

You sighed, rolling your eyes but feeling a bit better, even if his logic was as goofy as always. "Still doesn’t make this any less terrifying, you know."

Satoru chuckled, ruffling your hair again. "Well, if all else fails, you can come hide behind me. Infinity’s good for that too, you know!"

By the time he finally left you alone, after throwing in one last, “Don’t mess it up, though!” you were already sweating. Actually sweating. Harder than ever before.

"Great. Just great." you grumbled to yourself, imagining all the possible ways this could go wrong. “Love sucks! This sucks!”

But sooner or later, you knew you would have to face it. And so you waited for Megumi. You waited patiently as you created stupid little scenarios in your head — things that shouldn’t even be. 

And after about fifteen minutes, here you were, facing Fushiguro Megumi, your heart pounding so loudly you were certain he could hear it. He stood a few feet away, hands buried deep in his pockets, staring intently at the ground as though it held the answers to life’s greatest mysteries.

Is he nervous too? you wondered. Somehow, that thought gave you the slightest sense of relief, but only for a fleeting moment. The truth was, you hadn’t been able to focus on anything since this morning, and now that you were actually standing in front of him, the anxiety was threatening to spill over.

Megumi’s hair, slightly ruffled by the breeze, caught your attention. His gaze remained fixed downward, his usual calm, almost brooding expression in place, but something about the way his shoulders were tense told you he wasn’t as composed as he seemed.

"I…" You started, your voice catching in your throat. Great, now you are losing your nerve.

Megumi’s eyes flickered toward you, his expression unreadable but curious. He waited, his silence urging you to continue, even though the words seemed to have tangled themselves up inside your head.

You tried again, taking a small breath, "I don’t really know how to say this without sounding like an idiot."

He shifted slightly, his eyes finally lifting to meet yours. “You’re not an idiot.” he said softly, though the hint of amusement in his voice wasn’t lost on you. “You aren’t one. Never…never have been.”

He looked… nervous? Which made you feel a little better, since you were pretty sure you’d forgotten how to breathe about five minutes ago.

Alright, you thought, trying to psych yourself up. You’re just going to confess. It’s simple. People do it all the time! You can do this. It’s Megumi—your Megumi.

Except now that you were actually standing in front of him, your brain decided to throw you a curveball. What if… what if he doesn’t like tall, petite girls?

You winced at the thought. Megumi was tall and handsome, and here you were, small, like a walking marshmallow. What if he preferred someone else, someone who needs his help? Does he like girls who seem to be more dependent on him? What if he liked girls with long, model-like legs? Wait, I don’t have those sort of legs! I have an athlete’s legs, but thinner! Oh my god…I, am I his type? Or worse, what if you were just a friend to him?

Before you knew it, words were tumbling out of your mouth.

“Um… Megumi?” you started, your voice way too high-pitched to sound cool. “There’s something I need to say.”

Megumi glanced up at you, his eyes narrowing slightly in that focused way he had. Your face felt like it was on fire. “Yeah?” he said, his tone casual but with a hint of curiosity.

You hesitated, suddenly regretting every decision you’d made that day. But you couldn’t back out now. You were already knee-deep in awkwardness.

“I know I’m, like… not like all the other girls or anything. Not to mention, I'm loud and awkward and just....” You winced as you said it. You feel your cheeks getting redder by the second. “And maybe… maybe you like taller girls or maybe more chic girls? Like, you know, girls with long model legs who look good in anything. Or at least girls who don’t have to deal with….you know, I….I don’t know. But I just….”

Megumi blinked at you, his eyes widening slightly as the words sunk in. For a moment, you thought you’d really messed up—like he might just walk away or start laughing. But then, something unexpected happened.

His face turned an alarming shade of red, and he blurted, “W-What? No! That’s not— I don’t care about any of that!” His voice cracked slightly, and you could tell he was flustered. Megumi. Flustered. Your heart did a weird little flip at that.

“I like you… exactly how you are. I don’t care if you have…if you have athlete legs and not model legs.” he said, quieter this time, as if saying it any louder would somehow make it harder for him. His eyes darted to the side, but you could see the sincerity there. “I… don’t care if you’re short or tall or… whatever.” His blush deepened as he added, “You’re… perfect.”

It took a second for your brain to catch up to what he was saying. Wait—he thought you were perfect? Did you… did you hear that right?

You opened your mouth, but all you managed was a strangled, “Oh.” Which was, you know, super eloquent. Good job, me.

Megumi shifted on his feet, still avoiding your gaze. “I thought…” he started, his voice so low you almost didn’t catch it, “that you didn’t like me because I’m… well, you know.” He made a vague gesture with his hand.

You stared at him, confused. “Because you’re… what?”

His expression was a mixture of embarrassment and frustration, like he really didn’t want to explain, but felt like he had to. “Because I’m… brooding. I’m not…I know I’m not the most fun of people to be around. And I just….I know it’s also hard to talk to me. And I'm way too quiet, I don't talk for hours sometimes.” he muttered. He cleared his throat and added. “I’m not exactly the most… open or easygoing person. I figured you’d probably want someone who’s more… fun.”

You blinked. “Fun? Megumi, you think I don’t like you because you’re… broody?”

He shrugged, still looking like he wanted to disappear into the nearest bush. “I mean… yeah.”

You couldn’t help it—you burst out laughing. Megumi’s eyes snapped back to you, looking completely baffled, as if he hadn’t expected that reaction at all.

“No way!” you said, still giggling as you wiped a tear from your eye. “That’s one of the things I like about you!”

His eyebrows furrowed. “Wait… what?”

“You’re serious and quiet!” you explained, your heart softening as you looked at him. “But you’re also kind. And you care so much about everyone, even if you don’t show it the way other people do. I think it’s…” you swallowed, suddenly shy again, “...really cute, actually.”

Megumi’s expression softened in a way that made your chest ache. He looked like he didn’t quite believe what he was hearing but was too relieved to question it. "Oh."

"Yeah...."

“So… you like me?” he asked, his voice a little hesitant, like he was afraid the answer might change if he said it out loud.

You nodded, feeling your cheeks heat up again. “Yeah… I do.”

There was a beat of silence where neither of you moved, both too flustered to figure out what came next. The sakura petals continued to fall around you, and for a moment, it felt like you were in a scene straight out of a cheesy romance.

“And you… like me?” you ventured, your heart thumping hard.

Megumi looked away, rubbing the back of his neck, but you could see the tiniest smile playing on his lips. “Yeah.” he muttered. “A lot.”

You stood there for a while, both of you blushing like tomatoes, staring at anything but each other. But somehow, despite the awkwardness, it felt perfect—like you’d finally figured out what had been right in front of you all along.

“Maybe we should, um… go get something to eat?” you suggested, trying to break the tension before you spontaneously combusted from embarrassment.

“Yeah.” Megumi agreed, a little too quickly. “Food. Good idea.”

You started walking, side by side, still too nervous to hold hands or do anything couple-like, but grinning like idiots who’d finally realized how much you liked each other. You'll be okay, together.

epilogue

The café near Jujutsu High was cozy, with soft lighting and the faint hum of conversations from other patrons filling the space. Megumi and I sat across from each other, still awkward but smiling. The post-confession giddiness hadn’t worn off, and every now and then, our eyes would meet, followed by a quick blush and looking away.

I nervously poked at my dessert with my fork, stealing glances at Megumi, who was doing a pretty good job pretending to focus on his coffee. I should say something, I thought, but before I could open my mouth, a loud, familiar voice shattered the peaceful atmosphere.

"Well, well, well! What do we have here? My adorable little sister and Fushiguro Megumi! On a date! How cute!"

I whipped my head around, and there he was—Gojo Satoru, in all his obnoxiously tall, grinning glory, standing at the entrance of the café like he owned the place. His trademark sunglasses were perched on his nose, and he had his phone in hand, ready for whatever chaos he was about to unleash.

Megumi groaned and slouched down in his seat, his face flushing a deep shade of red. "Why are you here?"

"Oh, just taking a casual stroll around campus when I happened to spot you two. And, being the fantastic older brother I am, I couldn’t resist stopping by to see what’s going on."

I sighed, knowing full well this was about to get much worse. "Satoru-nii…please don’t."

But Gojo Satoru was already snapping pictures of us with his phone, zooming in obnoxiously on both of our embarrassed faces. “Oh, these are perfect. You both look so adorable! I can’t wait to send these to Yuji, Nobara, and the rest of the gang.”

Megumi’s hand shot up in protest. “Stop—”

Too late. Gojo Satoru’s fingers flew over his phone screen as he quickly shared the photos. I could already imagine the messages popping up in the group chat: Yuji losing his mind with excitement, Nobara teasing Megumi, and the second and third years chiming in with their own commentary.

“Satoru-nii!” I whisper-shouted, trying to keep my voice low enough not to draw the attention of the other café-goers. “You promised no embarrassing photos!”

Gojo just grinned, looking far too pleased with himself. “Hey, you didn’t say anything about dates. Besides, this is for posterity. Your first date with the brooding Megumi! Awww, it’s like watching a baby deer trying to walk for the first time. My future brother in law and my sister’s first date! Oh this will be cute in the wedding powerpoint!”

Megumi looked like he wanted to crawl under the table, and honestly, I wasn’t too far behind. I glanced at him, feeling bad for dragging him into this chaos. “Gojo–sensei, we aren’t….That’s not—”

“Say cheese!”

But then, something unexpected happened. Maybe it was Gojo’s teasing, or maybe it was just the ridiculousness of the whole situation, but I felt a sudden surge of boldness. I scooted my chair a little closer to Megumi, leaned into him slightly, and—just to spite Satoru—rested my head on his shoulder.

Megumi stiffened at first, his body going rigid in surprise, but after a second, I felt him relax. He glanced down at me, and despite his still-flushed cheeks, there was a soft smile tugging at his lips. He didn’t say anything, but the way he subtly leaned into me in return spoke volumes.

Gojo, of course, gasped dramatically. “Ohhhh! Look at you two! All cozy now! This is too precious, I’m dying.”

“You’re gonna be dying for real if you don’t stop.” Megumi muttered, though he didn’t sound as angry as he usually did. He seemed…happy, even if he wouldn’t admit it. And honestly, that made me smile too.

Gojo, ever the drama queen, pretended to clutch his heart. “My little Megumi, all grown up and in love! My precious little sister, grown and down bad! This is truly a day to remember.” He took another picture, but at this point, I didn’t care. Neither did Megumi.

After what felt like an eternity of Gojo’s teasing, he finally waved us off with a laugh. “Alright, alright, I’ll leave you lovebirds to it. But don’t think I’m letting this go anytime soon! I expect wedding invites, you hear me?”

He sauntered out of the café, phone still in hand, leaving us in peace once again.

I let out a long sigh of relief, finally able to relax. “I’m sorry about him. He’s… well, he’s Satoru.”

Megumi shook his head, still leaning into me a little. “It’s fine. I’m used to it by now.”

We sat there quietly for a moment, neither of us moving. Despite the embarrassment, I felt a sense of warmth spreading through my chest. Leaning into Megumi, feeling the weight of his shoulder against mine, it was nice. Comforting.

I looked up at him and saw that soft smile again. He wasn’t embarrassed anymore—he looked…content. Maybe even a little happy.

“You know.......” I said, my voice quiet, smiling. “I think this might be the best date ever.”

Megumi glanced down at me, and for the first time that day, he chuckled softly. “Yeah… I think so too.”

[ratioaven]

spoilers for 2.1 !!!!!!!

aventurine rant, please keep in my mind that these are my own thoughts and interpretations. im extremely sleep deprived lol so im sorry if i got anything wrong

something thats been on my mind since yesterday are these lines.

from the start to me, it was very clear aventurine had self esteem/worth issues because of how he treats his own life, but the line that says “the other hand is below the table, clutching your chips for dear life” stuck out to me.

i always assumed aventurine was so incredibly confident in his luck but in reality he is afraid. he’s terrified that he’ll lose. it’s an act. he convinces himself, he fools himself, he forces himself to act like he’s confident he’ll win, when in reality even if he does win, he’s still clutching his chips under the table for dear life because of how terrified he is of losing.

that really messed with me to be honest. i feel tricked and what’s ironic is that he tricks his opponents into thinking he’s confident, and he also tricked ME the player but really, this made my heart break in two because i had absolutely no clue up until now.

so why does he act this way

all throughout his life, aventurine has had his pride stripped away. just try to imagine being in his shoes. i myself do not think i could deal with the situations he was put in. i cannot stress this enough, aventurine has a mark on his neck that screams to him that he has once belonged to someone. he has had his pride stripped away from him countless times. but it’s ironic because aventurine is introduced as a very prideful and flashy man. you start to realize the front aventurine puts on is his own way of protecting himself. it’s how he’s able to live basically. i wanna go into more detail but i will later.

as it was said before, aventurine is an uptight person who worries. he is extremely afraid of losing and he has a massive inferiority complex. aventurine may seem like a go lucky person on the outside, but in actuality he is not. he is not happy. he has no self worth, he believes he has nothing to live for, and he has no problem with throwing his life away. aventurine believes the only good thing he brings to the table is his luck.

but this brings me to my next point.

aventurine may not realize it, but he is so much more than his luck. he has so many good qualities and he doesn’t seem to realize it. even if some of it may be an act, he’s still able to pull it off. he’s still an intelligent business man who is both charming and cunning EVEN if it may be an act, those are still amazing qualities to have in his line of work.

but more importantly, aventurine chose to live. despite witnessing his family die, being a slave, and tortured, he chose to live. he chooses to. i cannot stress this enough. this man has gone through hell and back. he truly has had an incredibly difficult life to the point where my heart hurts so so badly for him. he made the decision to stay alive.

that says more than enough about his character.

and last but not least, aventurine wants one thing, and that is to be with his family. he’s witnessed horrible things in his life that no one should ever go through. he lost everyone close to him, he lost his people. he has nothing to live for and he values his life so little to the point where he has no problem with dying. the only real thing that he wants is just to see his family.

and he will one day, but in the meantime, i genuinely hope this man can find a reason to live, and ratio already gave him one just by that note. i just truly wish aventurine happiness while he lives the rest of his life.

i guess this is a topic that really hits me hard because i know all too well that choosing to live life isn’t easy sometimes and i just love aventurine.

let’s all appreciate how truly amazing his character is.

[foulphantomllama]

My Secret Desire | AESPA Winter x Male Reader

AESPA Winter x Male Reader (POV)

Y/N is an abroad student from Europe. When he realizes he has feelings for his bully, Minjeong, their love-hate relationship made them push each others limits.

I will be releasing it in chapters. If you guys like it, i will make it as long as possible. And also I can take requests! Enjoy your reading.

The Exchange Student

It was always hard for me to go to school in the mornings. There were multiple reasons but the main one was my bully. Minjeong. But everybody was calling her Winter. Because she was stone cold, rude. Her attitude has a certain charm, I’m not going to lie. I guess this was the main reason I took the bullying for so long. I may be an exchange student but, i wasn’t really the type you expect to get bullied. After all, she was literally pocket size. I even can call her efforts cute. It was like taking a beating from a two year old. But little did I know that this cat has very sharp claws.

I had classes three days a week. So does she. She was not the brightest student, but she was always on time to classes. I don’t remember a single one that she missed. I, on the other hand, was pretty good at my grades and I knew my way around nearly all of the subjects. But still, she found something to make fun of me. But mainly me being a westerner. As time passed by, I get used to her attitude towards me. At some point I was addicted to her verbal abuse. She mocks my accent, my eating habits, the way I study. Everything. This toxic relationship started to grew inside me. It was just like I had found the motivation I needed to stop thinking about the choices I made with my life. And I was still getting pretty annoyed at some things she does but, overall, I started to fell for her.

Like I said, waking up in the morning always made me think about my choices. What the fuck I was doing in Korea tho? But I always ended up looking at myself at the mirror. Although my self-esteem was at its lowest, I was surprisingly pretty egoistic. Don’t ask me how that is possible. I don’t know either. Just like one of those mornings, I come to school, grab myself a freshly brewed americano and when I was on my way to the class, I saw Minjeong coming towards me. “Hi” she said with a soft, nice voice. Something I did not heard from her before. She got me. “Hi” I said back. “Look” she started to talk. I was nervous. Why I was nervous? “I’m so sorry for all my attitude towards you.” I was shocked. Did she just.. apologized to me? “Don’t worry about it. We’re adults after all, In fact I was starting to like it.” I answered. “Ha” she smirked at me. But that smirk was too evil and too inviting. She was fucking me up. Making me stand for everything I hated before. “So, can we just talk over there?” she said to me. I accepted. We started walking together.

After a little walk, we sat at a bench looking towards our building. She took my cofee off my hand and started drinking it. “Sorry, I’m so nervous.” She said. “I was probably never should have bullied you from the start.” She looked at me. Her face was to innocent to be guilty. But she was. I knew that but still, wanted to hear the rest. “Do you need something?” I asked. “How did you knew?” she answered back. “My father says If I don’t pass my classes this year It will be over for me.” “What will be over?” I answered. “School.” She said. “He says he will remove me from the school.” She put the coffee to the side. Something was seriously off. I could feel it. But I agreed to help anyway. She was so happy when I agreed to help her. Some of it felt insanely real. Was it real?

[bunni-v1]

Something that's been on my mind for so long is lighter/harumasa x chubby! Reader, coming from someone chubby I hate how my body doesn't fit multiple outfits or my rolls whenever I sit down. But oh my goodness it's been on my mind o(〃＾▽＾〃)o

🍓Every time a chubby bitch (affectionate) feels insecure a fairy dies. Not to be weird but I fucking love chubby people, they're so fucking hot, I will burn down all of society for them. These r short btw, sorry. I personally have had the opposite issue weight-wise my whole life, so I didn't wanna pretend like I knew what you go through lol.

Lighter Lorenz

-Lighter prefers his partner to have more meat on their bones, I'm 100% sure. (Hoyoverse told me). Having more of you to hold and love would never be a bad thing, and it irritates him when people insinuate their partners being bigger is a bad thing.

-He doesn't really leave room for you to feel insecure about yourself, because he's so very in love with all of you. If you even utter a negative word about yourself he's looking at you with this adorable pouty glare, getting ready to kiss you stupid so you'll shut up.

-He's great for your self-esteem because he makes you feel so amazing and pretty. He peppers you with kisses, especially over parts of your skin you find particularly ugly. He will shower you with love until you also love yourself as much as he does.

-If you're worried about being too heavy for him to hold or anything, that's not a problem either. Lighter is strong, and easily lifts you up regardless of how heavy you are. You weigh nothing to him, honestly, and it's not even a challenge.

-It's not just him, though. The girls also love you, and they won't let you feel bad about the way your body looks. Lighter comes with your own personal hype squad attached, it seems.

-Help the stupid soul that makes you feel insecure. Lighter is like your valiant Knight in Leather Armor. If someone has an issue with you, they have an issue with him, and he's happy to prove that to them if need be.

Harumasa Asaba

-Harumasa is, how do I put this... weight blind? He's just not the kind of guy to really give that much of a shit about little things like that. Life is too short to be picky about the person you fall in love with, and he honestly wouldn't want you to change anything for him anyway.

-Chubby, skinny, tall, short, whatever, it doesn't matter that much to him. You are you, that's all that matters right? Well, if you're feeling bad about yourself, then it matters a little bit. He doesn't want you thinking he doesn't care about your feelings.

-Always, always assures you that you look so good in everything -- and equally, he's always willing to prove that he thinks you look good. He can't promise the clothes will survive, but if it'll make you feel better the clothes can be nobly sacrificed.

-And, yeah, he uses the "You're more comfortable to cuddle," argument on you all the time. It's true, though. You are very comfortable to lay on and sleep with. The soft squish of your warm tummy is the perfect resting spot after a long day of work.

-If someone's bothering you or making you feel bad, he's the type to come over and flip it around on them. He's very good at finding people's insecurities, after all. If they want to make you feel bad, they should know what it feels like too! It's only fair, right?

[mrsbarnesblog]

I trust you

masterlist ko-fi ao3

Summary: when Bucky comes back from a mission with a knife wound there is only one person who can convince him to get help.

Words count: 3.5k

Warnings: angst and fluff, injury, wounds, low self-esteem, bucky has trust issues and needs a hug, touch starved bucky,

Author’s note: ugh just let me hold my baby and kiss his cute sad face omggg... anyways, idk why I rarely write angsty things, I really wanna do something new, so if you have any ideas let me know! 💘

It was almost eight o'clock in the evening when FRIDAY reported that the guys' quinjet should arrive at the compound within an hour.

Steve, Sam, and Bucky went on another mission to destroy HYDRA almost two weeks ago. As usual, none of you could get any news from them because they couldn't risk giving away their whereabouts.

It was foolish to assume that you weren't worried about them. Especially for one person. Bucky.

You and the former Winter Soldier met about six months ago when Steve and Sam first brought him to the tower. Steve was really worried about his old best friend, so before bringing Bucky to the tower, he talked with the team and asked all of you to give Bucky space.

Of course, you knew who he was from the day Steve found out that Bucky was alive. You have seen hundreds of reports and photographs on TV and on the Internet about The Winter Soldier, a ruthless killer who was always invisible but too damn good at his missions. He is the man who was turned into a weapon against his will.

When Steve introduced him, the whole team just nodded and shared awkward smiles, and Bucky himself kept his eyes on the ground. The whole situation was too intense, and no one, not even the funny and sarcastic Tony Stark, knew what to do or say. You actually thought that it might be rude to just stand there and look at him, as if he was a wild animal. Looking at this shy and uncomfortable-looking man before you, you knew that the smallest thing you could get him was to show that he was welcomed in this tower and that everyone was on his side. So, pushing away your own shyness and nerves, you stepped forward, holding out your right hand.

"Hi, my name is Y/N.  It's nice to meet you. I hope you’ll feel comfortable around here." You offered your warmest and most sincere smile, trying not to show nervousness.

Bucky slowly raised his head, genuinely surprised that anyone else had actually spoken to him besides Steve. It's nice to meet you. When had he heard those words for the last time?

Your eyes met, and you could have sworn all the air was out of your lungs. His eyes were even more beautiful than in those rare, high-quality photographs. He looked truly beautiful, with long hair and blue eyes, even though you could see that he was tired—physically and even more emotionally. You stood for what seemed like an eternity, looking at each other's faces, until Bucky got a little nudge from Steve on the arm.

Only then did his gaze move to your still outstretched arm. He hesitated a bit, unsure if he wanted to be touched or feel someone’s warm skin. It’s been too long since another person wanted to touch him without causing any harm. Even Steve gave him minimal physical contact. Always through the gloves or thick jacket, and Bucky didn’t know the true reason for this—whether it was because Steve cared about his feelings or he just didn't want to do that. But then Bucky looked at you again, and he already knew that you would be his death.

You were so beautiful. Probably the most attractive person he has ever seen. It was still morning, and he assumed that you planned to have a day for yourself because you had no makeup, your hair was a little bit messy, and you looked really comfy in a big sweater and a pair of black leggings. Oh, and he definitely noticed your cute, fluffy pink socks. Your eyes were full of friendliness and comfort, so it made him want to trust you. Your lips curled into a warm smile, and he had no doubt that you wanted to make him feel comfortable on the team.

Bucky lifted the corners of his lips slightly, meeting your eyes again, and held out his right hand to you, still feeling awkward. Especially when the whole team around you watches your interaction too closely.

 "Hi."

When the Quinjet landed on the territory, you couldn't calm your pounding heart. Natasha, who was standing a couple of steps away from you, of course, noticed your condition but didn’t say anything and just sent you a reassuring smile. She knew you'd calm down when Bucky was by your side.

Sam got out first. He looked tired, had a couple of scratches and bruises, but was generally fine.

"Sam!  God, I'm glad you're okay." You said, running closer to him. "How is Bucky? And Steve? Are they okay?" Your worried eyes ran across his face, trying to find answers, but he only pursed his lips and lowered his eyes to the ground.

"Steve’s fine, and Bucky, um... I think you should see it yourself. And I think you need to have a serious talk with this idiot because he doesn't listen to us." Your brows furrowed, but before you could ask anything else, footsteps and stifled moans were heard behind Sam.

It felt like your heart stopped as soon as you saw him. Blood flowed from his temple and lip, and an already darkening bruise adorned his right cheekbone. Your eyes rushed down, trying to find all the damage, and then you saw it. Bucky kept his right hand on his left side. His entire palm was scarlet red as the blood passed through his thick suit and soaked through his fingers. Your mouth opened involuntarily, and your eyes instantly filled with tears.

Of course, this was not his first mission, but he always returned almost without any injuries or with something that quickly healed because of his supersoldier serum. It has never been so bad.

Before you knew it, you were already standing next to him. Tears flowed freely down your face, and you raised your hands up, wanting to touch him, but they froze in the air.

 "Bucky…" You sobbed, looking straight into his eyes.

 "Hello, doll" He smiled reassuringly at you, but you saw how he pressed his teeth together to ease the pain. He didn’t want to scare you.

"Bucky, God, wh-what happened? You need to go to the hospital wing. You’re losing a lot of blood!" You gently took his metal hand, but before you could lead him away, he removed it and moved away a little.

"It's all right, doll.  Nothing that I can't handle on my own. Trust me, I’ve experienced worse."

"Buck, Y/N is right." You notice Steve for the first time because all your attention has been focused on Bucky since he appeared. "That punk cut you pretty deep; it needs to be stitched up."

"You know, I never go to the hospital wing." He purses his lips awkwardly, looking down.

Of course. Of course you knew it. Everyone in the tower knew that the Winter Soldier didn't like being touched or visiting doctors, and he had never asked for any kind of help. He always limited himself to a short handshake or a pat on the back from his best friend.

But you also knew that Bucky couldn't take off his clothes in front of anyone. Too many scars from bullets, knives, and other things that HYDRA used to torture him He confessed this to you one evening when you were sitting in the dark in the common room after his nightmare.

In those six months, you got close enough to him that he trusted you to sit with him in the stillness of the night and share his fears. But he still avoided touching and, of course, did not want to show his body to anyone. Even you. Especially to you.

You were one of the few good things in his life. Someone who genuinely wanted to spend time with him, who wasn’t afraid of him, and who was always kind and supportive. Bucky didn't want to lose you. And he knew that if you ever saw him with those ugly marks all over his body, you would run away without looking back. Because who would like it?

The hand that took hundreds of lives. The hand that was forever connected to his body left a big reminder that he was, in fact, just an experiment that went too well. He often looked at his shoulder in the mirror with anger and despair, wanting to get rid of this mixture of scars and torn skin. Obviously, when HYDRA put that prosthetic on him, they didn't care much about looks or pain, so they just hooked it on the way they did.

"Bucky, please listen to me." You sobbed, moving closer to him again. "I know you're afraid to go there, but please, you have to do it, otherwise, you'll lose too much blood or just get an infection." You hugged yourself with your hands as your body began to tremble with concern for the person in front of you. "It can leave a big scar." You whispered and saw that Bucky’s jaw clenched again. You didn’t want him to think that there was something wrong with having scars, but you knew that it was emotionally too hard for him to deal with them.

"I'm sorry, doll, but I can't," he pursed his lips, shaking his head, "you know I can't do it."

"Bucky…" you whispered as more tears started flooding your face. You were so focused on Bucky that you didn't even pay attention to your friends, who stood aside and pretended not to eavesdrop on your conversation.

"Don't cry because of me, doll, please, you don't have to cry." Bucky's voice lowered to a whisper as he worked up the courage to use his thumb to wipe a tear from your right cheek with a metal finger.

You took advantage of the opportunity, grabbing his metal wrist and pressing his hand closer against your cheek.

 "Please, Bucky. Then let's go to your room. I can help you if you don't want to undress there.

"I don't think it's a good idea either, doll.  You don't need to see it."

"James," you focused on his eyes, rubbing small circles with your thumb into his wrist, "it'll be alright, I promise. I'm not afraid of you. I won’t leave. I'll take care of you. Please do it for me."

You were hurt by his gaze. You've seen a thousand thoughts go through that head. Doubt, fear, uncertainty, and pain. He couldn't lose you. Couldn't lose what you had. Even if he wanted so much more, he was content just being around you. He couldn't lose you to a damn ugly piece of metal attached to him.

But you looked at him like your life depended on it. Tears were still running down your cheeks. You were hurt because of him. But you refused to give up and let his self-doubt win this fight. You continued to gently massage his metal wrist as you placed a light kiss on it. And he could no longer resist you.

"Fine."

"It's better if we do this in the bathroom," you said as you closed the door to Bucky's room behind you. You quickly walked past him, going into the bathroom and pulling out the first aid kit you knew was in the bottom drawer. You felt comfortable being a little bit bossy here, and Bucky didn’t mind it.

He quietly followed you, watching you with an unsure face. His blood was still soaking through his arm, but that didn't bother him as much as the fact that he'd have to undress in front of you and that at some point you would touch him.

Once all the necessary things were ready, you turned to face Bucky, already preparing to help him out. But as soon as your hands went up to help him unbuckle his suit, he staggered back, and you froze with your hands in the air. For a few seconds, you silently looked into each other's eyes, then you moved, trying to understand his reaction, and what you saw made your heart ache.

His brows were slightly furrowed, and the corners of his lips were turned down. His eyes always told you everything that he tried to hide, and right now they told you how scared and insecure Bucky actually was.

"I don't think I can do it." Bucky whispered softly, casting his eyes down in shame.

"Hey James, look at me," you said, taking his face in your hands. "I'm your friend, you know? I won't hurt you. I won’t judge you. I won't do anything against your will. But I need to help you because I can see how much pain you're in," you sighed, running your fingers over his cheekbones. "I know it's hard. And I know you're scared or shy, but I'm here for you. None of this scares me, and I'll be as gentle with you as I can, okay? You can tell me if it becomes too much, and I'll stop. I promise."  You could see the tears forming in his eyes, and you couldn't help feeling the pain that this beautiful man in front of you had been without care and affection for so long.

Bucky nodded slightly, giving you permission to continue.

"I’ll clean up your wound on the ribs, and then we can take care of your face." You carefully removed your hands from his, now placing them on the clasps of his suit. You opened them one by one, and when you finally got to the last one, you helped Bucky carefully remove that piece of clothing. Next on the way was a stretchy long-sleeve shirt, and by glancing at the wound, you could see that all the tissue around it was completely covered in blood.

"So, now I'm going to carefully lift up the shirt so you can take it off and not bother your wound too much, okay?" you asked, running your eyes over Bucky's face to understand his emotions. He took a deep breath, as if preparing for the worst, but nodded anyway.

You started to slowly lift up his shirt, helping Bucky pull his hands out one by one, and then tossed that no longer needed rag into the bathtub.

"Oh god," you muttered softly, looking at the wound that seemed to be even bigger now.

Bucky thought that you said it about his appearance in general, so he lifted his head up to the ceiling to stop angry tears from falling.

Come on, Buck, we need to sew this up so it doesn't leave a scar. Do you think you can sit on the counter next to the sink?" You looked at Bucky, but you couldn't meet his eyes. You knew that he was at the edge, his body trembled a little bit, but he still listened to you and silently jumped up on the free space near the sink.

"Bucky," you said quietly, trying to be as gentle as you could. "I see you right now, and I’m not going anywhere, you hear me?" You put your hand back on his face, making him meet your eyes. Before you could think, you placed your right hand on his chest, causing his eyes to instantly widen in surprise. His skin was very warm and silky, even though there were a lot of scars from different conditions. You gently moved your hand, showing Bucky that you’re not afraid, that you’re not a threat, and that he can trust you. "You're doing well, it’s okay," you said as you started rubbing soothing circles on his shoulder.

You backed off a little, finally picking up all the necessary things, and began to sanitize and then stitch up the wound. Every time you needed to put your hand on your skin, you felt Bucky instantly tense under your touch, but you tried to send him quiet words of encouragement and praise. Bucky was very quiet, not making a sound even when the needle pierced his skin. His face wasn’t in bad condition, and Super Soldier serum almost healed them, so you decided to only sanitize and clean his skin.

"Well, you did a great job, James. I'm proud of you." About twenty minutes later, you finally tied the bandage and began to put everything back in the drawer, but then felt a touch on your arm.

You looked back at Bucky, only to meet tear-filled eyes.

"No one has ever taken care of me in a long time, Y/N." You stepped closer to Bucky again, unconsciously placing your hands on his shoulders. "I feel ashamed of my body. Of that arm. I didn't want you to see those ugly scars. God, this is so pathetic—"

"Don't say that," you interrupted him. "That's not pathetic. I understand how you feel. That you have so many negative thoughts about yourself. But Bucky… God, I don't know how to properly say it." You paused for a moment, considering the words. "You're one of the most amazing people I know. And even if many people in the tower are scared or intimidated by you, for me, you are the sweetest, most caring, and most generous person. You remember every little thing I say, make me coffee and food when I'm too busy, pretend to like those shitty movies that I make you watch with me. I'm so sorry that so many bad things happened to such a good person that you feel unworthy of good things."

Suddenly, strong arms surrounded you, and you realized that Bucky was hugging you with arms wrapping around your waist. He nuzzled up to your neck, and you could feel light sobs. Gently, you entangled your fingers in his hair, massaging the scalp with calming movements.

"I don't deserve you, doll." Bucky pulled back a little, still keeping his hands on your waist. "I wish I could be normal for you. Be who I was back in the 40s. I would’ve asked you out and given you everything that you deserved. But that person is not here any more, and I'm not worthy of you."

He wanted to ask you out on a date?  Your heart stopped as soon as the words left his mouth, and you stared at Bucky in surprise. "Bucky—"

"I know…fuck—I shouldn't have said that. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I'm sorry, doll. I didn't mean to mess anything up between us, I promise. I know you don't feel the same— it's okay, really. Just forget about—"

You didn't let Bucky finish by leaning forward and brushing your lips against his. His flesh automatically tangled in the hair at the back of your neck as the metal one tightened his grip on your waist. For the first few seconds, Bucky was in shock, not kissing you back, but just as you wanted to pull away, his lips began to move, taking over you immediately.

It was the best kiss you ever had. He was gentle yet so passionate. There were a lot of unsaid feelings that Bucky kept to himself for too long. All thoughts seemed to have left your head as the feeling of him filled your whole body.

When there was not enough air, you moved away from each other, touching your foreheads with your eyes closed.

"Fuck" was the first thing he said.

"Yeah," you laughed, finally meeting Bucky's eyes. He looked at you with such adoration that you felt butterflies in your stomach. You just noticed how much skin-to-skin contact you had. "Are you okay with that? Doesn't that make you uncomfortable?" You tilted your head as your hands squeezed his shoulders.

"That's... that's weird. I'm not used to that kind of contact," Bucky said, studying your face. "But I trust you, doll. You are the only person I trust completely." You felt him begin to gently run his hand along your back. "I'd like to ask you out on a date. I mean, if you want to. If not, I totally understand—"

You interrupted him again, leaving a quick kiss on his lips. "I'd like to go on a date with you, James. You know, you’re so cute when you’re shy?"

You've never seen his face so lit up with happiness, with a little bit of pink on his cheeks. Butterflies began to beat in your stomach again, and you realized that it was you who made him feel that way.

"Do you want to go to bed, put on some shitty comedy, and grab some food? I still have to watch over your injury."

"Sounds like a perfect plan, doll." Bucky kissed you on the forehead, interlacing his fingers with you, and led you to his room.

Even if it still required a lot of work, cuddling with Bucky, you knew it was the best place you could be.

[cressidagrey]

Looked to the Sky - Chapter 16

Summary: 

Eira Archeron was neither a Valkyrie, nor a Seer, nor the High Lady of the Night Court. She was, however, Azriel‘s mate with her own mysterious, untrained powers.

Also known as: Azriel tries to court his mate the human way.

Warnings: 

THIS IS THE LIGHTNING IN A BOTTLE SEQUEL! SO READ THAT FIRST IF YOU WANNA READ THIS ONE OTHERWISE THIS MAKES NO SENSE!

Elain Bashing, Low Self Esteem, Making Out, Discussion of Sex, some very "human" ideas of sexuality, a quote from Bridgerton and without @k-godling this would have never happened.

(super pretty dividers by @tsunami-of-tears)

"Sweetheart, she'll love you," Azriel assured his mate. Again.

He wasn't sure what it was about but the idea of visiting his mother for dinner had thrown Eira into a tizzy.

He had reasoned that he would rather not get another lecture from his mother about not keeping her updated on his life choices…and well…he didn’t want to tell her about their engagement in a letter. So dinner it was. Esmeray had seemed delighted when he had suggested it in his last letter. 

He wasn’t worried about his mother disliking Eira at all. She had already adored her the first time they had met, so really…there was nothing that Eira needed to be worried about. 

“How can you be sure that she’ll like me?” Eira asked again, a hint of nervousness in her voice. “She’s your mother and you are still her baby…” He held back a snort. 540 years later and yes, he supposed he still was her baby, but his mother knew that he could take care of himself. “Maybe she'll hate me…”

"You already met her, and she loved you," Azriel said drily. “I am pretty sure, she’s already preferring you over me,” he said, only half joking. Eira stared at him wide-eyed. 

“But what if she…” He was trying really hard not to laugh at the expression on her face. Eira looked almost desperate, almost bordering on panic, her grey eyes wide with worry.

"She’ll love you,” Azriel Assured her again, in a gentle voice. “I promise you, my mother will love you. She’s utterly delighted that I found my mate. You could be half kelpie and she would still love you.“

Eira let out a low exhale, and he could practically see the anxiety and nervousness in her eyes as if she were imagining the worst-case scenarios.

"But what if... what if she doesn’t?" she repeated.

He could hear the worry in her words, and he knew that underneath the surface, there was blubbering something else. Something far older and deeper. 

None of the Archeron Sisters ever really talked about their mother, but Azriel had been able to…patch a picture together of a woman for whom her daughters had been nothing but…nothing but pawns to marry off to the highest bidder. 

Eira had felt lacking for a maternal figure once. She didn’t want a repeat of that, couldn’t have a repeat of that. 

All he wanted to do was comfort her, to hold her, whisper reassurances in her ears.

“She will,” Azriel said again, taking her hands in his. “And I promise, I won’t leave your side. At all. The whole night. It’ll be fine, sweetheart.” He gave her hands a gentle squeeze, trying to reassure her, to help her calm down, even though she was practically quaking in front of him.

She let out a soft exhale, her hands trembling in his, and he could hear her heart racing far faster than it should be.

"Eira...it’ll be fine,” he repeated. “It’ll be just fine.”

Eira let out another exhale, her breath shuddering as her anxiety got the better of her, and he knew that this would go on for hours if he didn’t do something about it if he didn’t get her to calm down. Azriel let out a low, soft sigh, looking at her, her breathing quick and shallow, her skin pale, anxiety clear in her eyes.

He was going to have to use a different tactic.

"Come here, Sweetheart,” he said, using the nickname deliberately. Sweetheart. It tended to make her fluster, and he could see its effect on her. Her pale skin flushed, her cheeks turned a beautiful pink, and her breath caught in her chest, making her breathing a bit less ragged and desperate. She stepped closer to him and he leaned down to press his lips to hers. She sighed into the kiss, a hand curling into the jacket he wore.

He deepened the kiss slightly, gently running the tip of his tongue against her lower lip, and he could feel her hand's fist against his jacket, a low hum of pleasure escaping her as he pulled her against him, letting her feel the heat of his body against hers, letting her feel the hard planes of his chest, hoping the sensation would soothe her.

He brought a hand up to the side of her face, his palm cradling her cheek, her skin smooth and warm beneath his touch, and she exhaled against him, the sound soft and quiet. He knew that his tactic had worked. Her breathing had slowed, her skin wasn’t as pale as it had been a moment prior, and the sound of her racing heart had finally quieted…

And her scent had gone heavy with arousal. He could smell it on her. He wished he could bath in her scent...in that thick and heavy sweetness.

Gods, she smelled divine, the scent of her desire making him practically lightheaded. Something hot and delicious coiled in him, a need to touch her, to taste her, and he had to forcibly restrain himself from giving in to the impulse…

He let his hand run down from her face, trailing his fingers along the line of her neck, his fingers brushing against her skin, and she shivered beneath his touch, a soft gasp escaping her. He smirked, his breath coming faster at her response, and he let his fingers trail lower, tracing the sensitive skin of her collarbone, feeling the gooseflesh as her skin reacted to his touch.

She leaned towards him, her body yearning, practically begging to be touched, but he couldn’t. Not right now, not when he could smell the arousal in her scent, not when he was so close to losing control, and he had to remind himself that they were still in the hallway of the River House, that she had been nervous just a few breaths ago, that they had somewhere they had to be tonight...

He leaned down and whispered in her ear, his voice a low growl as he spoke. “Another time,” he promised, and he would keep that promise. She let out a low whimper at his words, a shiver passing through her body at his tone, and he could practically feel the effect his simple word had on her.

"Another time?" she asked, her voice shaky.

“Another time,” he repeated, low and firm, and he had to force himself to pull away slightly, taking a step back from her, to give her some space, to give himself a moment to recover from her scent, her body, her response.

"We have a dinner to attend, sweetheart," he told her quietly. "Are you dressed warm enough? Illyria is rather cold this time of the year."

She nodded, her face still flushed, her skin still warm, and he could still smell the desire in her scent. 

"Yes, I got a cloak as well," Eira said quickly, and just seconds later the shadows wrapped her in a dark cloak, only to then wrap the fur shrug around her as well. 

His breath caught in his chest at the sight of her wrapped up in that pelt, a soft, possessive satisfaction coursing through him at the sight of the fur shrug wrapped around him, a clear announcement to the world that she was his.

He offered her his arms and wrapped her in shadows. It was easy enough to winnow them both to Rosehall, to throw them through the wards he had placed on his mother's cottage centuries ago.

They rematerialized just in front of the cottage, and Azriel had a moment to take in the building in front of him. The cottage was the same, warm firelight in the windows, the front porch with just as many plants as his mother had always had. It was so, familiar, so unchanged that it felt like no time had passed since he’d last seen the cottage.

The door opened but instead of his mother standing in the doorway, it was Garvan. One of his mother’s oldest friends. Also, one of the first inhabitants of Rosehall as it was now, a haven for displaced Illyrians.

“Ah, Azriel!” Garvan greeted him brightly, his mouth pulling into a smile, crooking the scars that covered one half of his face completely. There was only one sole wing that limply laid at his side and he used a cane to get around, but all of that had never stopped him from being an optimist. “Your mother has been waiting for you.”

Azriel smiled in greeting, something warm and light and fond at the sight of Garvan, a familiar sense of affection welling up in him at the sight of the older man. "Garvan," Azriel greeted him, "It's good to see you."

“Likewise,” Garvan said, his smile widening, his good wing fanning slightly in greeting. “And who is your lovely lady?” His gaze went to Eira, who hovered just behind Azrael, her grey eyes taking in the sight of Garvan and the cottage.

"This is Eira," Azriel introduced her, his hand instinctively wrapping around her again, pulling her closer to him. "Eira, that's Garvan."

Garvan nodded in greeting, his smile turning soft as he looked at her, and Azriel could practically hear the questions the older male was asking in his mind, but instead, he said, "Don’t keep Esmeray waiting."

He gave Garvan a quick nod, and the man stepped aside, moving out of the doorway so Azriel and Eira could step into the cottage, into the warmth of his mother's home…

The first thing he noticed was the fire burning in the fireplace, flames dancing behind the grate, casting the entire room in a warm, orange light, and the second thing he noticed was the sight of his mother, standing in the little clearing between the kitchen and the living room.

There was a smile on her face as she took him in, grey eyes bright with warmth and affection, and he felt a sudden lump in his throat at the sight of her. She looked so young, her long black hair unbound, tumbling over her back like a river of ebony, her skin still smooth and lovely. Of course, she looked so young. She had been half a child when she had had him. Not that she had a choice in that matter.

"Azriel!" she greeted him, her excitement apparent. "Did you decide to finally honour me with your presence once again?" And there was her dry humour, as his mother came to hug him tightly. "At least this time you brought your mate, properly," she muttered under her breath, already yanking Eira into a surprising hug, squashing the flowers, Eira had insisted they bring along to his mother.

"Eira, so lovely to see you again. You look...less traumatised," his mother said drily.

Azriel let out an amused breath at his mother's bluntness, and he could see a wave of panic pass over Eira's face at the unexpected hug. But his mate managed a nervous laugh a moment later, "I do feel less traumatised," Eira said with another laugh. "I…We…We brought you flowers," Eira said quietly, thrusting a bouquet of dahlias in his mother's direction.

"How thoughtful of you," his mother said, her voice warm as she took the flowers from Eira, "And dahlias as well. My favourite. Though I imagine Azriel didn’t tell you that, did he?"

Eira's eyes widened slightly, and Azriel had a feeling that she had no idea his mother's favourite flowers were dahlias, she had picked them purely on instinct. 

She looked up and waved them both in further. "Come take a seat. Dinner will be ready in just a few minutes."

"Can I help with anything?" Eira asked immediately, and Azriel couldn't stop the soft smirk that tugged at his lips, the sense of affection in his chest warming as he heard the question. His mother let out a soft laugh, taking the question in stride.

"Not the slightest need," Esmeray told her, a kind smile on her face. "Azriel, however, can make himself useful and bring us some wine."

"I...uh, I don't drink," Eira blurted out. "Alcohol and I...really don't get on," she said with a grimace. 

His mother looked at Eira considering, her eyes looking over her thoughtfully before nodding. "Fair enough," Esmeray said, not looking the slightest bit offended. "No wine then."

Azriel let out a small sigh of relief at that, feeling how Eira relaxed next to him slightly as well, and he saw the hint of a twinkle in his mother's eyes as she said, "Azriel can make us tea instead then."

"Sounds perfect," Azriel said, rolling his eyes. It was almost too easy, the sense of familiarity and comfort as he sat in his mother's cottage, and he found himself loving the moment, the way Eira slotted in so perfectly with his mother, no awkwardness between them. No, instead his mother had already pulled Eira into a conversation as she began to arrange the flowers into a vase, and Azriel left them to it, going into the kitchen to make the tea.

He found himself listening in on the conversation going on in the living room. He could still hear Eira's nervous tone, but even that was slowly disappearing, replaced by a relaxedness instead. By the time he went back to the living room, a tray with a pot of tea and a handful of teacups in his hands, Eira was laughing softly about something his mother said. 

"And tell me, has the kitten gotten used to her new home?" his mother asked.

"She has," Eira confirmed, and Azriel put the tray down on the low table, taking a seat next to Eira, close enough to brush his leg against hers, just to feel that sense of connection, that closeness. "She has gotten quite comfortable in fact," Eira continued, a small smile tugging at her lips as she spoke. "Especially sitting on Azriel's lap." 

"Snow is the most spoiled cat on this side of the ocean," Azriel agreed with a laugh. 

Esmeray smiled in satisfaction, a twinkle in her eyes as she said, "Good. She seemed to be awfully taken with you so when Azriel asked for her for your birthday, I couldn't refuse."

Azriel smiled at that, unable to keep the fond, warm feeling those words gave him, the small wave of gratitude that went through him at his mother's actions. Snow had been the perfect gift, and clearly one that Esmeray had approved of as well.

"She does follow Eira everywhere," he said, and it wasn’t the least bit of an exaggeration. The little white ball of fur would never hesitate to demand Eira's attention, rubbing her face against her whenever possible.

"She's a demanding creature," Eira said with a soft, fond laugh. "She will sit on my lap and demand my attention until I give in." Azriel smiled as she spoke, the words so true. The way Snow could turn into a demanding little monster that would sit on Eira's lap for hours and demand her attention until she caved and started giving the cat head scratches... was adorable to see...

"Sounds like a cat," Azriel's mother agreed with a laugh, a warm expression on her face as she watched them. But there was a hint of something else in her expression as well, something almost…knowing, and Azriel had a feeling that his mother was seeing more than she was letting on. She was watching them, not just a little, but intently...

And then her eyes caught on Eira's hand, wrapped around the teacup, her ring on full display.

Azriel watched as his mother's gaze went to Eira's ring, watched as a slight twitch in her face revealed that she noticed it instantly. Esmeray’s eyes narrowed, her expression growing sharp, and Azriel had a feeling that he was holding his breath as he waited, as it felt like everything hinged on what his mother's response would be...

"Didn't I tell you to write me letters if anything life-changing happened in your life?" his mother asked him, her voice dry. 

"I did," he said, the words sounding weak, and he heard his mother let out an exasperated huff at his answer.

"Azriel, writing letters to me once every decade does not count as writing letters when things happen in your life," Esmeralda all but chided him, her tone as unimpressed as her expression, and Azriel had a feeling her critical gaze would be focused on him if it wasn't for the fact that she was still eyeing Eira's hand with her ring. "You could have at least given me a forewarning!" his mother continued to chastise him. "Just a heads up would have been enough! I would have gotten out the champagne!"

"And leave the element of surprise out of the picture?" Azriel asked with an attempt at a charming smile, and he saw his mother roll her eyes at him in response.

"I can see you still haven't lost your penchant for dramatics, son," his mother said with a slight huff, but he saw the smile that threatened to pull at her lips, that hinted at her amusement at his words, and he knew the lecture was more for show than anything. "Tell me, Eira has my son at least asked you properly?!"

Eira's eyes widened slightly at the question, and Azriel could see the hint of nervousness flit over her face momentarily before he saw her face brighten a moment later, a small, giddy smile pulling at her lips. "He did. It was very romantic," she confirmed.

Azriel's mother let out another huff at that, shaking her head slightly even as a clear wave of satisfaction rolled over her expression. "At least my son has some basic manners," she said, and Azriel rolled his eyes, even as he felt a wave of relief at his mother's reaction. "You are making some progress, son. Thank you for taking pity on him though, Eira."

Eira snorted out a laugh, a hand covering her face.  "I wouldn't call it a pity," Eira managed to bring out between giggles, and Azriel's head snapped in her direction and for a small moment it was almost too much, the sheer warmth twisting in his chest...

And his mother outright grinned in response, clearly delighted by Eira's words.

"Maybe not pity," Esmeray agreed, grinning widely. "But, at the very least, you have chosen to put up with his... oddities. Congratulations to you for that, Eira." Her tone was dry as she spoke, but there was no mistaking the hint of real approval underneath, the affection for Eira shining through.

Azriel let out a huff, rolling his eyes, despite the warm, fond affection still twisting in his chest. "Hey," he protested, without any real heat, his words falling on deaf ears as both of the women simply ignored his protest.

"Now, have you already set a date for the wedding?" his mother said briskly.

Azriel felt a wave of panic rush through him at the question, his eyes widening as he took in the hopeful, expectant look in his mother's eyes, and he was suddenly reminded of all the wedding plans they hadn't made yet. "Uh…" was all he managed to say, words failing him temporarily.

"Sometime after Winter Solstice at the Temple on the grounds of Rhys and Feyre's estate," Eira saved him.

Esmeray's eyes went from Azriel's to Eira’s and her entire face brightened immediately. Clearly, the answer had been exactly the sort of thing his mother had been hoping for, and she looked practically delighted, her eyes almost shining. "What a lovely location to have a wedding," she said with a soft, pleased hum. , and Azriel almost felt like blushing under her clear approval, feeling a mixture of flustered and fond. Esmeray looked over to Eira a moment later, a small, sly smile on her face as she leaned forward slightly as if to tell a secret. "And what about the dress?" she asked, and Azriel knew, even without looking, that her expression was full of clear delighted expectation as she spoke.

"Oh, I am making that myself," Eira answered easily like that was absolutely normal to do. Like Feyre and Rhys hadn’t both offered up every tailor Velaris had to offer, but Eira had refused it all. She wanted to make her own. 

If the expression on his mother's face had been bright before, it was positively radiant now, Esmeray, eyes shining with an almost childish delight. "Are you?" she said, her voice filled with pleased disbelief. "You are a seamstress?"

Just like she was, just like Rhys' mother had been.

"I'm self-taught," Eira confirmed with a short, soft laugh, and Azriel found himself taking in her profile, the fond affection in his chest twisting even harder, even stronger, at the way his mother's eyes practically lit up at her words, Esmeray's face positively glowing in response. 

They didn't really need him after that anymore, swapping ideas and tips, and Eira asking his mother question after question about Illyrian clothing and customs and Esmeray happily answering. And Azriel...well, he was just happy that the two most important females in his life got along so very well.

***

"Why is it green?" Nesta asked her, pursing her lips.

"Because it's my first attempt," Eira said quickly. "I figured if I hate it, at least I didn't use the good fabric," she said with a shrug. "It's still wearable, so I didn’t waste any fabric and I can figure out if I want to change anything..." She stared at the dress in the mirror, mustering it. Granted it looked nothing like a wedding dress right now. It was green cotton, and she stared at the long sleeves that covered her from shoulder to wrist, the neckline that dipped just low enough…

“And you are sure you want to make it yourself?” Feyre asked. “We can still go to a tailor and have it made, so you don’t have all the stress.”

Not that there was so much stress. The wedding had come together quickly, with a single 2-hour-long meeting about setting a date a few days after Winter Solstice and them telling the florists the flowers they wanted, snowdrops, the one thing Azriel seemed to have an opinion about it and that pretty much had been it. 

Granted, they were invited less than a dozen people, with just the inner circle and Azriel’s mother in attendance, but that suited Eira and Azriel just fine. 

Quite frankly, both of them would rather spend their time furnishing their house than plan a huge wedding and invite people they had nothing to do with. 

Though granted, of them all, the shadows were definitely having much fun terrorizing the workers at the house and showing up constantly with one thing or another that they bought. Eira was kinda worried about what they were going to do once the house was inhabitable and they didn’t need 3 more carpets from Sangravah like the shadows had bought her the day before. 

"No," Eira said firmly, the thought of wearing someone else's wedding dress making uneasiness twist in her stomach, her own skin itching at the thought. "I want to make it myself," she said, and she could practically feel Feyre looking her over, studying her expression…

“Maybe widen the skirt a little,” Feyre suggested as she nodded. “It’s your wedding. If there is ever an occasion to go over the top, that probably is it.”

Eira pursed her lips as she looked at the skirt, eyeing the way the fabric fell over her legs, and she had to admit, Feyre was right. "You think it's too narrow?" she asked, and she saw Feyre shrug in her mirror.

"Whatever you'll make will be beautiful," Nesta assured her. "Besides, you could wear a potato sack and Azriel would still want to take it off at the end of the night," she said with a grin. 

She swallowed at that, fingers fiddling with the hem at one of the sleeves.

And that...that the other thing that was making her feel...nervous. The wedding...she wasn't nervous about it. She wanted Azriel as her husband. She wanted to marry him.

But the wedding night...

"He would," Feyre agreed with a laugh, and Eira felt the blood rush to her cheeks.

"Please tell me you aren't still worried that he doesn't want you like that," her younger sister teased her. “He looks at you like he wants to devour you."

She could nearly feel the icy fear that shot through her at that.

Devour her? Devour her? What did that even mean?!

"N-no," she said quickly, the word coming out fast as her cheeks burned. "I'm not." she swallowed hard, the thought of being devoured running through her head, and a wave of nervous fear rushed through her...

It wasn't that she didn't want to be...close to him. She...did. She wanted the press of his body against hers, that warm, heavyweight. She liked his kisses. 

But...the idea of Azriel devouring her... She shouldn't be wanting this. She shouldn't be... a wife was supposed to do her duty. That's what it was about. And she shouldn't get a sense of enjoyment out of it. She shouldn't wonder how...sharing a bed with him would feel. She should...

She should simply go through with her duties, like a good, dutiful wife. Nothing else mattered, and she tried to remember that. Tried to remember what a wife was supposed to do...

But it didn't change how...how she felt. She didn't have the words for it, didn't understand this tangled, hot mess of thoughts in her head, this want that didn't make sense...

"What's wrong?" Feyre asked, and Eira jumped slightly as if she had been snapped out of a trance. She was still looking at herself in the mirror, and she realised that Feyre was studying her, watching her with a look that bordered on knowing.

"Wrong?" Her voice sounded high-pitched, slightly strangled, and Eira swallowed. "What could be wrong?" She asked, forcing herself to sound calm, trying to ignore the tangled mess inside her chest, the way her heart was beating too hard, too fast.

"I don't know," Feyre said, a hint of teasing in her voice as she spoke. "Why don't you tell me? You look like you're having a crisis."

"I'm not," Eira protested, and the words sounded false even to her own ears. And Feyre was looking at her, her sharp, observant eyes studying her intently, a faint frown on her face as she watched her...

"Are you worried about the wedding night?" Feyre asked suddenly, and the words hit her like a punch. The air was punched out of her lungs as Feyre spoke, and she found herself staring at Feyre's expression, her eyes wide.

"No!" she protested too quickly, her voice coming out in a high-pitched, strangled tone, high enough that she was sure both Feyre and Nesta were able to hear the lie in her words.

Feyre eyed her, that little frown not leaving her face, the knowing look in her eyes clearly not convinced.

"You are," she said, and there was a hint of amusement in her voice as if Feyre was having the time of her life watching her fumble, watching her try to deny the fact that she was dreading the wedding night. "You are worried about the wedding night," Feyre repeated, the hint of teasing in her voice making Eira's cheeks heat up even further…

"I'm not," she protested again, but the words sounded even weaker than the first time, even more fake than before. And Feyre's eyes were still on her, studying her, and Eira was sure Feyre knew, she was sure Feyre could see it written all over her face...

"Don't worry, Azriel has 500 years of practice," Nesta said drily.

She didn't...she didn't want to know what kind of 'practice' Nesta was referring to. Her heart began to race in her chest at the thought, and her face was burning, and she could still feel Feyre's eyes on her...

"You will be fine," Feyre assured her gently, and Eira could hear the hint of amusement in her voice. She could see the hint of a smirk pull at her lips, and as if to add insult to injury, Nesta let out a snort of laughter beside her.

"I-I know," Eira said quickly, and she was horrified to realise that her voice nearly trembled at the words. She could hear the way her pulse was pounding in her ears, could hear Feyre's voice echo in her head... 500 years of practice...

"Then what's the matter?" Feyre asked her, still that hint of amused teasing in her voice, and the urge to tell Feyre to shut up almost overwhelmed her. Instead, she clenched her teeth and forced her expression to remain neutral...

"There isn't anything the matter," she protested firmly, but her voice still trembled slightly, and Eira could see Feyre raise her eyebrows at her, clearly not convinced. She could feel Nesta's gaze on her on her side, and she knew that she saw right through her lie as well...

"Really," Feyre said, her voice sceptical, drawing out the word. "You're not at all worried about the wedding night, even after Nesta just told you that Azriel had 500 years to practice...whatever it is he likes to do between the sheets?" Feyre teased, a smirk pulling at her lips, and Eira felt her cheeks flush a darker red...

"No- I- That doesn't matter-!" she protested quickly, and she didn't want to know what Azriel had been practising, how many years worth of experience he had, how many females he had bedded, and it didn't make a single difference- Right?

"Then why are you so nervous?" Feyre asked her, her voice still dripping with amused teasing. "You have nothing to be worried about. All you have to do is marry an incredibly handsome male who is absolutely mad at you and who can't keep his hands off of you. Whatever is there to be nervous about?"

Heat shot through her entire body at Feyre's words, and her heart was nearly beating out of her chest. Eira didn't have the words. Didn't have the words to explain the twisted mess of nerves and anxiety and...excitement...in her stomach at Feyre's words, at the thought of Azriel's hands on her…

Didn't have the words to explain...that she had no clue what even happened between a wife and a husband.

"Have you ever...done it before?" Feyre asked suddenly, the question making a wave of heat shoot into her cheeks at the bluntness of the question. But before she had the chance to answer, Feyre added, "And don't lie to me," her eyes narrowed as she spoke.

"Of course not!" Eira exclaimed. When should she…when should she have had any man? 

She heard Nesta's soft chuckle at her side, and for a moment, Eira wondered if Feyre was about to give a teasing response, but her younger sister suddenly got quiet. There was a moment of silence as she studied her, and her face was suddenly...serious.

"Have you ever...kissed him?" Feyre inquired, and Eira went stock still.

"Of course I-" Her protesting voice cracked slightly, and a moment later, Feyre's eyes widened. Even Nesta started looking at her in surprise, and Eira swallowed hard, forcing herself to keep her voice even. "O-of course I have," she continued. "Why...why would you even ask that...?"

She saw Feyre's look of surprise grow even wider still, and the way her gaze flicked to Nesta's, who was looking at her just as stunned. "Why...?" Feyre asked, and her voice was filled with both disbelief and amusement. "Just...how often have you kissed him?"

The question made another wave of heat shoot up her neck, and Eira swallowed again, forcing herself not to let her anxiety show. "I-" she said, faltering. "I-I don't know," The words sounded even weaker than she had thought was possible, and she could hear both Feyre and Nesta hum in response.

"Come on, think," Feyre instructed, still studying her with that look of disbelief on her face.

"A dozen times? Maybe?"

"A dozen times?" Feyre repeated, her voice filled with amused disbelief, and the sound made Eira's cheeks burn even hotter. "That's it? You have kissed your fiancé a dozen times?"

"Is that...is that not enough?" Eira heard herself ask, the words making both Feyre and Nesta raise their eyebrows further, and she wanted the ground to open up and swallow her whole at the looks on their faces.

"Not enough?" Feyre repeated a hint of laughter in her tone. "Eira, you're getting married. If anything, it's...not nearly enough, to say the least," she quipped, and that...that made her flush with heat again.

"Are you telling me...you have never gone further than that?" Feyre inquired a moment later, and Eira's whole face burned with an intense heat.

"I-what does-what does it matter?" She stuttered, the words stumbling over her tongue and her heart nearly exploding.

"...You do know what...how sex works, right?" Nesta asked her, her voice even. "Like the mechanics. You..."

"Of course, I know the mechanics!" She exclaimed, and a moment later, she realised that the protest had come a little too quickly, sounding a little too defensive. The look on Nesta's face made her feel as if she might as well have admitted that she didn't know.

"You do?" Feyre asked, and Eira wasn't sure how she was able to continue to look at them, with how furiously her cheeks were burning.

"Y-yes," she affirmed, the word coming out almost like a whisper. 

"Well," Feyre said, a smirk pulling at her lips, "care to elaborate on what you know, Eira?"

Eira felt like all the air had been pulled out of her lungs at the question, the panic inside her chest suddenly exploding. "I...I..." She stuttered, her mind frozen, going completely blank. Say something say something say something a panicked little voice in her head shouted, but she didn't have the faintest idea as to what to say. Her heart was beating like a drum, her face burning like someone had lit it on fire, and all she could do was gape at Feyre...

"You...don't know," Feyre said with a mixture of disbelief and amusement in her voice. "You...you have no idea how males and females even work." Eira could practically feel Nesta's gaze on her, and judging by the look on Feyre's face, Nesta's was not the only disbelieving look directed at her.

"Of course...of course I know, I-" Her voice cracked slightly at the words, and she knew she was starting to sound ridiculous, knew that if Azriel was here, he would be looking at her with something akin to disbelief on his face at how completely idiotic she was being… "It's not proper to talk about this," she whispered, her voice weak.

"Not proper?" Feyre repeated a note of disbelief in her voice. "Eira, you are getting married. Talking about this...it comes with the territory." Eira felt as if a wave of cold had washed over her, and when she met Feyre's gaze, she saw something like...was that...pity in her eyes?

"Have you...not talked to Azriel about this at all?" Feyre inquired, and even pity sounded better than the disbelief mixed with...with horror that had crept into her voice.

"I wasn't aware that there was anything we needed to talk about," Eira said weakly. "I'll lay back and think of my duty and somehow babies come out of that as a result."

She wasn't sure what reaction she had expected from Feyre at her words, but for her younger sister to nearly fall off the bed in shock hadn't been among them. "You...you thought that-" Feyre gasped out, her voice strangled by a mixture of shock and...and disbelief.

"What...what else was I supposed to think?" Eira heard herself protest weakly, and she was horrified to realise that tears pricked at her eyes. Something about Feyre's pitying look made her insides twist, and the way her lips were parted in shock made an ugly feeling twist in her stomach...

"Well...for once, the most basic of information on how a baby is made." Feyre finally managed to get out, her voice still sounding absolutely shocked, and when Eira chanced a look over at Nesta, she nearly wanted to crawl under a rock. The look on Nesta's face could only be described as horrified disbelief, mirroring what was on Feyre's face so perfectly it was almost uncanny...

"Maybe we should call Madja," Nesta suggested drily.

"We absolutely do not need to call Madja," Eira protested quickly, and the thought of having to explain this...this mortification to a healer of Madja's experience made her want to die.

"We should," Feyre suddenly spoke up, and a note of determination had crept into her voice. "The fact that you're getting married and going to sleep in a bed with a male and you had no clue what actually...how the entire thing even works - you should have been told long before this."

Eira's heart immediately went into overdrive. "No," she protested firmly, her voice rising, "I swear to the cauldron, if I don't even know how it works I definitely don't want to have to have Madja explain it to me!"

Another wave of heat shot through her body at the thought, and Eira almost wanted to cover her ears and pretend this entire, mortifying conversation wasn't even happening. "Maybe Azriel then," Feyre suggested, and Eira could have sworn she heard Nesta snort out a laugh in response.

"Azriel?" Eira repeated, her voice high. "You want me to...ask my fiance to explain how babies are made?"

"As opposed to having a healer explain, I have a feeling you might fare much better with your future husband," Feyre said, and there was a note of dry humour in her voice.

“Given that he’s the one with which you are going to do all the baby-making,” Nesta snorted. “Alternatively, we can explain things to you, but you are looking like you want to run away.”

"I'm not-" Her voice cracked, and her whole body trembled slightly. She knew by the looks on Feyre and Nesta's faces that there was no way she would be able to deny how utterly flustered she was. No way to deny how utterly humiliating this conversation was.

"Well we certainly can't send you to your wedding night not knowing a single thing," Feyre said firmly, and there was no hint of humour in her voice anymore. Her eyes were focused on her intently, studying her like a hawk, and Eira knew there was no way out. No way out of the mortifyingly awkward, horrifying, humiliating situation...

"I can...I can figure it out on my own," Eira protested weakly, and she heard Nesta snort out a laugh again. 

"There's no escaping this," Nesta told her firmly, the hint of command in her voice. "We're going to talk about this, no matter how flustered and uncomfortable it makes you. It's much better that someone explains things to you than you go into your wedding night completely unprepared."

"How-how do you even..." Eira started quietly, and she hated the way her words were almost a whimper, hated the way her voice trembled slightly.

How do you even begin to explain this?

"Why don't you start by sitting down," Feyre suggested drily, her voice still firm.

Slowly, with trembling legs, Eira sat down on the bed, and she was unable to look at Feyre in the eyes.

"Good start," Feyre said, and there was a note of dry humour to her voice. "Now...take a deep breath, and relax."

Eira took a deep breath, trying to force her body to relax for once, and it took nearly every last ounce of her energy. She couldn't relax, not with the way she was trembling inside, shaking with a mixture of mortification, humiliation, and nervousness...

“Good advice for your wedding night as well,” Nesta said drily. “Relax. Sex is supposed to be fun.”

No, it wasn’t. It was her wifely duty and nothing more and the fact that she wanted more than simply kiss Azriel was already….

“Grandmama would kill us all,” Eira blurted out.

"Grandmama?" Feyre repeated, and if she was surprised by the sudden outburst, there was no hint of it in her voice. The sound of her grandmother's name was enough to make Eira instantly flinch, and even Nesta shot her a look from the side...

”Please tell me you don’t believe whatever utter bullshit she may have said to you,” Nesta seethed. “What did she tell you, Eira?”

“That whatever happens in a marriage is my wifely duty to carry?” Eira said weakly

"That's complete bullshit," Feyre protested at once. "Your so-called duty is not to simply lie back and do what's required of you. You're allowed to...to enjoy yourself. You do know that, right? Please tell me you know that..."

"I-I-" Eira tried to protest once more, and the words caught in her throat again. You're allowed to enjoy yourself...

The words repeated themselves in her mind, and something deep and hot stirred within her, heat shooting out through her veins, burning hotter than flames...

"Eira?" Feyre's voice was soft this time, with no hint of command or sternness in her voice anymore. "Please...please tell me you know that you don't simply have to lie back and let...let that happen. You are allowed to enjoy yourself...you know that, right?" She repeated, her eyes intent on her, studying her.

"I...I..." Her voice was little more than a whisper, her heart hammering so fast that she was surprised it hadn't beaten itself right out of her chest.

It was too much, too much to comprehend right now, to comprehend that she was allowed the enjoy what happened between a husband and a wife. You are allowed to enjoy yourself...

"You are allowed to have fun," Feyre said again, and there was a hint of determination in her voice. "You can enjoy yourself....and Azriel will do everything in his power to make sure you do..."

Another wave of heat shot through her body at Feyre's words, and her mind froze, her thoughts suddenly coming to a screeching halt. Enjoy herself...

Enjoy herself, with Azriel - Her heart slammed so hard against her ribs that she was surprised she didn't break all of them.

The image of Azriel flashed through her mind like lightning, and a wave of heat shot out from the very thought of him touching her, caressing her…

"Breathe," Nesta suddenly said, and Eira hadn't even realized she had started to forget to breathe.

"In and out," Feyre instructed, her voice still gentle. "Slow, deep breaths, Eira." Eira obeyed, and slowly, her heart rate started to return to some semblance of normal.

"Good," Feyre said at once. Now...if you allow it, I think it's time we explained some basic...anatomy."

The words made another wave of heat rush up her spine, and Eira let out a shaky breath. "A-anatomy...?" She repeated, her voice a strangled whisper.

"Basic male and female anatomy for starters," Feyre said, her voice still firm, even if she did take a more gentle tone than before. "The different...parts, as it were."

Another wave of heat shot to her cheeks at the matter-of-fact way Feyre spoke, and a moment later, something inside her crumbled, and collapsed.

"I...I have no clue what different parts you're even talking about," she mumbled, the confession burning on her tongue like hot coals...

"Not a single part?" Feyre inquired, and once more, there was no judgment, no condemnation in her voice.

Only an honest question, one that Eira knew she had to answer.

"No," she admitted after a moment. "I have not even the faintest idea..."

"You...you don't know anything about Azriel's anatomy?" This time, Feyre couldn't quite keep the surprise out of her voice, and an image of Azriel's bare chest flashed through Eira's mind without her even meaning to picture it.

A wave of heat shot up her spine at the thought, and Eira shook her head mutely. "No...I don't," she admitted, her voice strangled, and at the side, she swore she could hear Nesta snort out a breath as if this were something to laugh at. "We are going to need a...visual aid," Nesta announced before either Eira or Feyre could say another word.

“Shadows, could you make yourself useful and bring me the book from my nightstand? And then please leave us alone for the rest of the afternoon.”

There was a flutter of dark shadows in the corner of the room, and after a long moment, more shadows appeared again, one of them holding a single, slender book out for Nesta to take...

“What kind of book is that?” Feyre asked carefully.

Nesta snorted. “It’s a…sex book,” she admitted drily. “With the most adventurous positions you can imagine.”

Another wave of heat shot through Eira at Nesta's words, and for a moment, her thoughts stopped completely.

Positions? What kind of positions?!

"With pictures?" Feyre inquired, and the disbelief was more than obvious in her tone of voice.

"A lot of pictures," Nesta said, her voice still dripped with dry humour. "I don’t think there’s a single position the author hasn’t found a way to put into a drawing…”

"You...you really read that...that thing?" Eira was horrified to hear that her voice was strangled, the words coming out of her mouth in a high-pitched whine...

“Cassian and I get bored sometimes,” Nesta said with a shrug.

"You...you read that thing when you get bored ?" Eira asked, her voice strangled. Just the thought of Nesta and Cassian reading...reading those things, doing... position in the drawings…

"Sometimes the pictures give us... ideas," Nesta said drily, and once more, Eira could have sworn she heard someone chuckle. "Cassian is nothing if not adventurous."

"I don't...I don't need to know that," Eira protested, her face once more flushing a deep red at the thought of Cassian and Nesta together. Doing...what, she didn't even dare to imagine...

"No, probably not," Nesta said in something that sounded like agreement. "However, with the way you react to every mention of anything sexual, I think the pictures in this book might just give you a whole new understanding of the...mechanics."

Another wave of heat shot down Eira's back at the words, and once more, a shiver of nerves shot through her at the thought of...of the pictures. "Mechanics...what do you…I..." she started to babble.

"Calm down," Nesta instructed firmly, and her voice had a gentle, commanding note to it. "We need to get those pictures to make you...understand the anatomical differences between males and females, not to horrify you..."

"We're well past horrified at this point," Eira mumbled, but she nodded mutely nonetheless.

"Are you ready, then?" Feyre inquired gently, and Eira wasn't at all sure that she was.

"I..." Eira swallowed hard. "Yes," she choked out, even though she knew that the lie was more than obvious...

"All right then," Nesta said, her voice still oddly soothing, at least for her. "We're going to skip most of the pictures for now unless there's anything specific you want an explanation for, and explain some of the...parts that are important."

"Parts that are...what?" Eira echoed weakly, and the heat in her stomach felt like molten lava at this point.

"For now, we're going to stick to the basic, anatomical parts," Feyre instructed calmly. "So...let's start with a male, shall we?"

"All right," Eira mumbled, her eyes focused on the slender brown book that sat in Nesta's lap. It didn't look dangerous, but she knew that the things on those pages would most likely shock her to bits...

"Let's start with...the groin, or the...crotch, as some people call it," Feyre said, and Eira could see that she was having a hard time not laughing at the sheer mortification on her face.

"The...crotch..." Eira echoed, and every word coming out of her mouth made the redness on her face grow deeper as if she'd been standing in the freezing cold of Winter for days.

"The crotch," Feyre repeated, "or the genitalia, if you want the official term."

"The...genitalia..?" This time, her voice was so high-pitched, that it was near a squeak. Gods, the thought of Azriel's genitalia suddenly filled her mind like a dark, hot cloud, swirling over her...

“Here,” Nesta said drily, flicking open the book and shoving it towards Eira.

“That’s a cock. Or a prick. Or a penis or whatever else you want to call it.”

Eira glanced at the picture that was now open in the book, and what heat hadn’t already been in her face rushed up in flames.

It…it wasn’t exactly what she’d pictured when…when she’d thought of Azriel’s…parts…

“If you want to…make a baby,” Nesta said. “The male needs to insert his…prick into the female.”

"Insert...? Insert himself where?" 

[fatliberation]

Sorry for leaving this in your inbox, but I need to vent and ask for advice in a place where people won't mock me. What do you do when sex is super difficult because of your fat? I've recently gotten into my first relationship and. I thought I had a handle on my internalized fatphobia and self hate but this has made it worse than ever. We can't have satisfying penetrative sex (we've tried all the tips and workarounds. Nothing works. I'm larger than most of the FA community.), and recieving oral sex is also difficult for me. I also get tired and sweaty extremely quickly if I have to like hold up myself on mostly my arms or something, so he has to do most of the work. So sex is just. Mostly the one that works on repeat, and we don't have it very often because it isn't that fun for either of us, and it also makes me cry afterwards sometimes because of how disappointing it is & me beating myself up over it.

I'm genuinely worried my boyfriend is going to leave me for this. He's clearly very frustrated with the situation, even though he tries to be nice about it most of the time. Earlier today I tried to like be flirty and hint at stuff and he just. got a bit sad. and then said that clearly neither of us enjoy the sex we're having and that he has a lot of trouble staying hard.and that he doesn't see the point when we're both forcing it for no reason. I think he's going to break up with me soon. His ex is way lighter than me, so he's probably comparing the normal sex he had with her with whatever the fuck this abnormal shitshow is :/

All the work I've done on myself to be happy with being fat (including working up the courage to date, what a mistake that was lmao) is all gone. This has ruined my self-esteem so much. I feel like one of those fatphobic jokes but a person.

first and foremost, please try your best to remember this: your body is not the problem. one more time. your body is not the problem. I'm so very sorry you're concerned that your boyfriend would leave you over this. it sounds like he has a lot of preconceived ideas about how sex is supposed to go. I promise you that it doesn't have to be this way. if this is something that could really end the relationship, know that this person is not compatible or open to exploring your needs, rather than your needs being "too difficult." I promise it's him, not you. I know folks who are 600+ pounds who have excellent sex lives and partners who satisfy them and enjoy satisfying them. when someone starts treating your pleasure like a chore, that's just shitty. I know how much it hurts. it also does damage to your own openness to pleasure. when you're caught up in feeling like sex/your body is something that needs to be "fixed," nothing is going to feel sexy, because all that pressure puts stress on and takes you out of the mental state where you're able to experience pleasure. does that make sense? so many couples get stuck in this cycle.

there are so many ways to engage in pleasure without penetration or orgasm. there's a lot that goes into foreplay, setting a mood, making your partner feel appreciated and attractive. words and touch play a huge part in this. something as simple as exploring each other's bodies, not with the intention of reaching climax, but simply to be vulnerable and engage each others' senses. have your partner give you a massage. play with your hair. tickle your back with a feather. shower together. kiss you. compliment you. if either of you are into any kinks or dirty talk, that could be a great way to engage each other sexually without the pressure of "achieving" a goal. the goal here is just to feel good, close, and connected. societal messaging about sex has placed so much importance on orgasm instead of pleasure - when taking the time and space to relax and receive attention, is key.

feel free to check out my other posts on fat sex ed, there's lots of assistive toys that can make pleasure more accessible, but I think that should be a tool for later, since the biggest issue here is the pressure to perform. know that pleasurable sex can exist for you! but for now, I would recommend taking a break from sex altogether since it is not pleasurable for you right now. because pleasure is the whole point. forcing it is only going to feel worse. you do not owe it to your boyfriend, especially if it doesn't feel good and is taking an emotional toll. I hope you both are able to take a step back, reassess and communicate, and are able to reconnect and create a safe space to explore.

I understand why you're beating yourself up over this, I've been there too. but also know that it's just another societal standard that's been internalized (and it doesn't sound like your boyfriend is helping). like you said, you've done a lot to unlearn fatphobia. there's a lot of internalized beliefs we absorb from society surrounding sex, just like body image. I promise that there is nothing wrong with you. If your boyfriend takes his frustration out on you instead of making you feel safe to express your needs, then he's not a supportive partner. you deserve someone who takes delight in your pleasure and your body. believe me, we're out there.

[shibaincubus]

How to stop being a doormat.-

-> . . . ⇢ ˗ˏˋ [By a healed people pleaser] ࿐ྂ

Being nice to others is not a bad trait, but becoming THE NICE GIRL is.

Excessive people pleasing brings you nowhere and makes you vulnerable to becoming a doormat, disrespect, and sacrificing yourself.

People pleasing isn’t just about being nice to everyone all the time; it actually messes with your head and how you think about yourself deep down. 

We can look at people pleasing from an conscious and subconscious side.

Conscious People pleasing

This is what we typically associate with people pleasing:

You can't say no: Every request feels like an obligation.

You prioritize others over yourself: Your needs take a backseat.

You apologize for everything: Even when it’s unnecessary.

You avoid conflicts: Peace at any cost, right?

You make yourself small: Shrinking your presence to fit in.

Subconscious people pleasing

This is the impact people pleasing has on your mindset and behaviours

While breaking people pleasing one should focus here more

Servant mindset -> catering to others drains your energy.

Emulating others ->  You lose sight of who you truly are.

Seeking validation: "I need to be ... to get validation 'love' from others

Ignoring your feelings: Suppressing your emotions to keep the peace.

Feeling judged: Worrying about what others think of you.

Anxiousness about acceptance: "Do they really like me?"

The Why of People pleasing

The first step in breaking free is understanding why you engage in people pleasing.

Here are some common reasons:

You might be people pleasing because of...

Anxiety: fear of disappointing others or rejection

Low self esteem: "pleasing others is the only way to get acceptance and love"

Past trauma: can link others' needs to safety and affection

Cultural or family expectations: Pressure from those around you.

Perfectionism:  The need to be flawless in the eyes of others.

Insecurity: Doubting your own worthiness.

Avoidance of Conflict: Preferring peace over confrontation.

To get the exact cause you should also utilise journaling.

Use 15 min. for three or more of these journaling prompts each

Does People pleasing really help me? How do I feel when I please people? Happy or drained?

Do I get something back by pleasing people. Is it one sided?

What is my earliest memory of people pleasing? Why did I decide to please people at that time?

How do I perceive the people that I please in reality? Do I even like them.

What is the thing I really want in this situation that I might feel too scared, vulnerable, or ashamed to ask for?

What is one thing that I'm scared people will think of me, and how is this actually true and useful for me?

What do I want to change about my people pleasing habit

This reflection makes it clear why we do it and what caused people pleasing to be ingrained in us in the first place.

Recovering from People pleasing

Start small.-

Begin by setting boundaries in low stakes situations

declining invitations to events etc.

declining requests that you don't have time or desire to do

Gradually work yourself up to more significant situations practicing assertiveness along the way.

Learn to tolerate discomfort

Recognise that asserting yourself and setting boundaries may initially feel uncomfortable or cause anxiety

Embrace the discomfort as a sign of growth and remind yourself that it's necessary to prioritize your own well being.

Strengthen your sense of self

When we are people pleasing we are placing our self worth on another person

With journaling, self care, setting personal goals and new hobbies, you can construct and identity independent of others opinions.

The Intention Interrogation

Ask yourself a specific question before agreeing to a request:

"Am I doing this because I genuinely want to, or because I'm afraid of potential consequences?" 

This can delay automatic people pleasing reflexes

Cut toxic people off

If someone is using you for their gain, it’s time to create distance.

Limit your availability and emotional investment

Create space between yourself and toxic relationships

And Trust your instincts

The 24-Hour Rule

Make it a commitment to not immediately respond to requests.

Give yourself a full day and then decide if you actually want to do this.

Get therapy

If people pleasing has a deep impact socially or otherwise on you consider therapy

It's really helpful against people pleasing if nothing else helps

That's it lovelies

People pleasing is a destructive social mechanism of ours that we developed in young years.

Unfolding these behaviours and taking a stance against pleasing others frees ourself for positive change and levelling ourselves up

[so-i-did-this-thing]

Hello! I just wanted to say I stumbled across one of your posts and ended up looking through the trans tag in your blog for a while and idk it felt so so nice to see a middle aged trans guy just living life and being there for others who are at earlier points of their own trans related journeys, and I hope I can look as awesome as you and be as comfortable in my own skin and style and everything when I'm older.

I guess I also wanted to ask if you had any insight or advice about a couple things, if you're willing to share.. First thing is, did you ever struggle with passing but looking much younger than your age and that somewhat affecting your perception of yourself? I'm 28 and I started T 11 months ago (though at a pretty low dose because I wanted slow changes) and my face just recently started visibly shifting to a more masculine contour and I love it, but I still don't really look like a 28 year old guy.

I've always passed easily even before T but people think I'm like 18-21 max. Things were fine while I was in college (I came out at 19 so for a while my face just felt fitting enough and didn't make me feel either dysphoric or in a weird age limbo) but every year it feels more frustrating and makes me feel sort of alienated from myself including in mental ways, like I'm just a little kid who can't grow up. Like I'll never look like a "real guy" even though I can be stealth because I look like a weird teen and not like a grown up man. It's especially bad when I look at my amab younger siblings who are now also adults and see how I "should have looked" in some other life if I was cis. I guess maybe that's just another manifestation of dysphoria that I didn't have to deal with before? Did you ever experience something like that? And if yes did it get better after some years on T or how did you deal with it?

The other thing is just.. internalized transphobia. It's one thing to know things in a logical or intellectual sense but it's so hard to really feel and believe it sometimes and let go of all the awful transphobic stuff my family said to me during the first years of me being out. I just kept going anyway because I needed to be true to myself and my family basically bullying me wasn't gonna just magically change how I felt about my gender, but what it did do is put my already low confidence and self esteem (in this context regarding my gender) down on the floor. And sometimes I still just think and worry "what if they were right and I was wrong and I'll never be real and valid because of x y z", "what if I'm just delusional", "what if I'm a ridiculous freak". I know, in a way, that no I'm not. I'm just a trans person and they're just transphobes. But feelings like that just get to me sometimes and I don't really know what to do about them even nearly 10 years after coming out. Does that get better at some point? Just like you kinda stop giving a shit what people think about you in general as you get older? But how can you change those internalized views affecting what you think of yourself?

Bit nervous about asking this stuff tbh, so sorry it was so long also sorry if I worded any of it in a not so great way.

I will say though, that seeing older trans people like you does help a little bit. Just makes it feel like "hell yeah I wanna be like him when I grow up". So thank you for showing me that today ;u; (and also for inspiring me to put a little more thought and effort into my styling and fashion choices haha)

Heya, Anon! Let's see what I can cover here:

Looking young.

Oh my god, yes. I was getting carded to buy superglue and spray paint well into my late 30s (I started T at 33). When my partner first asked me out for a date, they were worried I wasn't old enough to drink yet (I was 36).

This is me 1 year on T, age 34.

Years 6 & 7 (ages 39 and 40), is when I feel I started looking older.

I feel like it's only been recently, 14 years in at 47, that I look in my 40s, and a "mature" adult. My beard finally getting full helped, as did my receding hairline. And I feel like my skin texture has toughened up enough, to where wrinkles show more.

That said, yes, it is tough and annoying to deal with. Even when people tell me I look like a particular cis man (where I actually see the resemblance, lol), when I look at us side-by-side, I feel like I'm just a pale shadow of him. I feel jealous and dysphoric, even while I'm flattered by the comparison. I wonder what I "should" look like, and it feels like something has been stolen from me. Its a roller coaster of emotions.

That feeling never really goes away, but you need to afford yourself some grace. You're going to be your own worst critic, and I guarantee you that, of many cis men you grew up with, you can probably still see the kid in them. So of course, you're going to see the kid in yourself.

But, you also just need to let time run its course. HRT is a marathon, and a lot of changes don't really settle for about 5 or 6 years.

I hate to say "enjoy it while you can" because I sure as hell bristled at being mistaken for a teenager or barely 20 when I was in my 30s. But do enjoy what you can of it. Because once you hit middle age, you're going to start dealing with a strange intersection of dysphoria and aging that I myself am still trying to navigate.

One other way I help myself get over negative feelings is to think of how differently my life would have been if I were cis. I honestly worry I would have been a worse person; even though being trans creates a lot of obstacles in my life, I feel like it's been a net gain: being able to know myself so well and help others learn about themselves.

Internalized transphobia

This got better for me with age. My epiphany was that, even over a decade into my transition, I was still softening myself for the benefit of friends and family. I was still using my gender-neutral birthname (I only recently changed it). I would call myself a "person", "guy", or "dude", instead of a "man". I dressed on the young and casual side, eschewing full-on masculine outfits like proper suits with ties.

I only recently pulled myself out of this. It still is a habit-in-progress to refer to myself as a man, even though I have always felt like one. And I've started to dress more vintage, not just because of hyper fixations, but because it's a way to lean into a presentation that is unequivocally, "this is a middle-aged man". And it's done a lot of good for my mental health.

What I'd suggest is to see if you are holding yourself back in any way wrt your gender presentation or how you talk/think about yourself. Give yourself full permission to acknowledge that you are a man, full stop. You're a young man, sure. But still a man, and a full-ass adult at that.

I hope some of this helps. Transition gives us a unique toolset for examining who we are and how we want to move through the world, and that work certainly doesn't end after finally getting on HRT. <3

[avocado-writing]

good boy

notes: my mate M put this idea in my head. this is her fault. pairing: gale x f!reader (sub!gale, dom!reader; praise kink; mummy kink)

rating: E

Gale has been dealt an unnecessarily unfair hand in the card game of life, you think. 

Having a tumultuous relationship with a goddess is one thing, getting a bloody magic bomb sealed into your chest is quite another. And all on top of being infected with that damned tadpole?

Well. Those sorts of things can really grind a man’s self esteem down. 

You can see that he tries to paint over it with his erudite speech, using fifteen words where he could use one to trick his listener into believing he holds a sense of grandeur about himself—but you know how to look for the subtler signs. The way he casts his eyes down whenever you give him a fond word, flinching ever so slightly when someone reaches out to touch him in kindness. 

Deep down, the man does not believe he deserves to be treated well. 

You are trying to correct that in every way you know how. 

“That’s it… aren’t you gorgeous, Gale? Such a good boy for me…”

“Unf… I…”

You can tell he’s trying to think of something clever or witty to say. From where you ride him, you press a finger down onto his lips to corral him to silence. It works, and as his mouth slips open you let your thumb slide against his tongue so he can suck it. 

Gods he is gorgeous. Chestnut, silver-streaked hair fanned out like a halo against the velvet of his pillows, a soft sheen of sweat dripping down him to give away the rigour you’ve been putting his body through. You made a point to apply your reddest lipstick so you could leave a trail of your adoration on him. Marks are pressed along his jawbone, down his neck, across his collarbone and chest; he is a masterpiece of debauchery. 

“You’re so beautiful like this, Gale. So beautiful all the time, dancing across the battlefield while you weave your magic… such clever hands, darling, so lovely…”

Those hands are currently settled on your hips, holding you tightly as you fuck him. With each word of praise you feel his cock twitch inside you. It’s nice to know what you can do to him, how wild you can drive him. As wild as he drives you. 

A grind down of your pelvis, pressing your clit into the rough hair at the base of him and grinning as he moans. 

“Tell me you’re my good boy, Gale. I want to hear it from your pretty mouth.”

What happens next is in a tumble of words, so fast you don’t properly catch it for a moment. 

“I’m—fuck—I’m your good boy, mummy!”

He freezes. You pause in your riding. His eyes snap open from where they were squeezed shut in rapture. The flush of pink across his skin is now no longer from lust, but shame, and he realises he has made a mistake in voicing that out loud. 

“Gods. My deepest apologies, I never… didn’t mean to… we should have discussed this first, beforehand, I’m utterly horrified that… I’m sorry—!”

You reach down and silence his panic with a long, tender kiss, rolling your tongue across his. When you pull back, he’s returned to looking blissed-out rather than concerned. 

“‘Mummy’, is it?” you ask, mouth ticking upwards into a rather pleased smirk. “Well, darling boy. Mummy is very glad you know how good you are. How handsome and clever and wonderful.”

“Oh…” he whimpers, actually whimpers, and you know he won’t last long like this. You go back to riding him in earnest, fucking him until all he can do is gasp, and press one of your hands down across that mark on his chest, obscuring it beneath your touch. 

He is not Mystra’s. He is yours. 

“Come for mummy, you beautiful boy.”

Gale comes so hard you’re worried that he passes out for a second. His hips stutter beneath yours as hot jets fill you up, bringing you over the edge with him, the cocktail of the two of you leaking back down his length obscenely. 

He falls back and tries to catch his breath as you slowly pull off of him, grabbing the wet cloth you brought bedside earlier and gently wiping him down. The coolness makes him sigh in delight and he nuzzles into your touch, gulping down water gratefully when you bring a cup to his lips. 

“Are you alright, my love?” you ask gently, the rougher edge of your voice gone, giving away to something soft and caring. He nods and meets your eyes with his warm, adoring gaze. 

“Yes, my heart. Better than ever. And… I really didn’t mean to… I know we were swept up in the moment but if you’re not comfortable with it then you absolutely never have to…”

Another kiss. Less dominant, more reassuring. He hums delightedly into this one. 

“Whatever you need me to give you, my love,” you tell him. He melts into your arms, safe and loved. 

taglist: @ghosti02art @sadandanxiouswtf @yeethaw13 @trappedinlimbo15 @infinitely-kate@dhampling (lmk if you want to be added!)

[stormz369]

☕💖 Can I Get Your Number? ☕💖 Ch 3

Jason Todd x Chubby! Reader (fem)

written with a female reader in mind, first person pov, no use of Y/N, fluffy, mild angst, will probably get NSFW later, let me know if there's anything else I should tag this with!

warnings: reader character dealing with anxiety from previous chapter (non-descriptive),hinted at trauma from fatphobia, hints of Jason's self esteem and body image issues, otherwise it's fluff central

word count: 2.2k (oops? 😅)

Chapter Selection

Ding!

I looked over at my phone, briefly considering not picking it up. When I got through my front door I had ripped my jeans off, suddenly hating everything touching me. I showered, scrubbing the night off until my skin was raw and tingling, and now I was curled up on my bed sheets, having a good cry. I didn't really want to talk to anyone right now…

Ding! Ding! … Ding!

God, whoever it was was insistent though … I sighed softly and picked it up, checking the messages:

Jason: Good morning! I am so sorry for the sudden disappearance - my phone broke on my way to visit my brother! 

3:15am

Jason: Just got back into town, so I've finally got the sim card in an old one for now.

3:17am

Jason: I feel bad, I owe you a week of good mornings! 😭

3:17am

Jason: And sorry for spamming you - I just didn't want you to think the worst for a second longer than necessary…

3:18am

I stared at the screen for a long while. Jason was back … just like Red Hood said. Huh… 

Me: Don't worry about it, shit happens!

3:40am

Jason: … What are you still doing up? 

3:41am

I briefly considered telling him everything. Maybe it would feel good to tell someone … or maybe it would feel even worse. We didn't really know each other yet, who knew how he would react? Nausea gripped my stomach and I shook my head, taking a few deep breaths before replying.

Me: Just got home is all. Picked up a late shift tonight.

3:50am

Jason: That's a hell of a late shift, that must have sucked!

3:52am

Me: … Yeah, honestly it wasn't great… 😔

3:53am

Jason: What are you doing tomorrow?

3:54am

Me: Nothing in particular, y?

3:56am

Jason: That settles it then! No more excuses, come hell or high water I will see you tomorrow!

3:56am

I stared at the screen, not sure how to feel about that idea. I did want to see him again, but I also really just wanted to sleep for 48 hours straight…

Jason: Seriously, name a time and place. We'll do anything you want! 😁

3:59am

Me: You don't have to do that, Jason - you just got back! Don't you need to work?

4:00am

Jason: Nope! We came back a day early, so I am all yours!

4:02am

Me: … All mine, huh? 😏

4:05am

Jason: 100%! Anything you want, name it!

4:06am

Me: … Gotham City Mall, meet in front of the bookstore at … say 4?

4:08am

Jason: Perfect, see you in 12 hours! Good night

4:08am

Me: Good night Jason

4:09am

I was exhausted, but couldn't seem to sleep. I was still coming down from the anxiety and adrenaline from being attacked, and now I was also nervous and tentatively excited about seeing Jason. This was the step that usually proved someone was playing games with me. I sighed softly, sliding a hand down my soft tummy. I didn't mind the way I was shaped, but other people sure had a way of making it seem like the end of the world… I silently begged the universe; let this one be good. No more games, let it be real this time…

When I finally did sleep, my dreams were filled with red. Blood all over the pavement, staining everything. Red chrome staring me down as I cried. Large hands, so gentle against my cheeks, pulling me against a warm, broad chest…

I woke with a start and peered over at my discarded clothes in a heap from the night before. Red Hood's flannel peaked out from under my ruined pants, taunting me; I was about to go on a date and I was dreaming about another man? A man I was surely never going to see again no less? That's real healthy, well done Brain.

I stepped over the clothes on the floor, not wanting to deal with the mess left over from last night, and selected a cute but comfortable outfit. I ate a quick breakfast, spent longer than I'd care to admit on my hair and makeup, and headed downstairs to catch the bus to the mall.

My anxiety grew as I approached the front doors. It’s a trick, it must be a trick. The cold air conditioning hit me in the face, a welcome respite from the summer heat, and I made my way toward the bookstore. He's a hottie, and really sweet. Or at least knows how to play sweet. He's definitely not actually interested. I could see the sign for the bookstore on the other side of the mall. And he's a Wayne too! What could a Wayne want with me?? … Oh god, I threatened them, didn't I? I told the little one I'd stab them if they came back to the table. Why did I say that???

I blinked a bit, pausing. That was him, leaned against the wall right next to the bookstore. He had actually shown up. I watched him scroll on his phone for a minute before looking up and scanning the crowd. When his eyes landed on me I continued walking toward him. He pocketed his phone, kicked off the wall, and walked over to meet me, a little grin lighting up his face.

“You're actually here…” the words left my mouth before I could reconsider, my disbelief apparent in my tone. Jason looked a bit confused at that, awkwardly rubbing the back of his head.

“Well, yeah? … You said 4, right?”

“Sorry! Yes, I said 4. I just … I honestly wasn't sure this was … real…”

“Why wouldn't it be real?”

I blushed a bit, clearing my throat slightly; “n- never mind! Sorry, I had a weird week; my brain hasn't fully caught up.”

He nodded a little, smiling gently. “Well, I hope it's getting better at least.”

I nodded. “Yeah, it is. Thanks. … So, what should we do?”

“Like I said last night; anything you want.”

“Well, … we're right here, do you want to start at the bookstore?”

He nodded and fell into step beside me, smiling gently. I could feel his eyes on me as I walked into the store, browsing the aisles. It was odd how comfortable this was; he was a good half foot taller than me, and at least 200 pounds of pure muscle. If his arms and cheek were any gauge he was absolutely covered in old scars, and he had a bandage on one forearm so whatever gave him the scars probably wasn't confined to the past.

I should be terrified - everything about my upbringing told me this was a dangerous situation to be in. But when I saw the look in his eyes, like I was the most interesting thing in the world, all of my self-defense training fell out of my head. The voices urging me to get to safety quieted, all my instincts stilled, and there was peace. His eyes were so beautiful… 

“... Is there something on my face?” He blushed a bit, chuckling awkwardly.

I blinked, looking away. “Sorry! I wasn't staring, I just …”

“... Did you want to ask about this?” he pointed to the scar on his cheek.

“Huh? No! I have a policy of not asking people about stuff like that; you'll tell me or not on your own time. No, I just … I like your eyes is all …’’ I blushed brightly, staring at but not reading the back cover of a book.

“... My eyes?” I nodded, still pretending to read the back cover. “... You're really not going to ask about my scars?”

“Unless you want to talk about them, it's not any of my business.”

“... You're a very unusual girl.”

“Because I'm not going to pry about something you may or may not want to talk about, particularly on a first date?”

“Well, they're usually the first thing anyone wants to talk to me about. If they don't avoid me in the first place…”

I frowned a bit at that. If we met under any other circumstances, I would have taken one look at him and ducked my head to avoid an interaction. “... People suck…”

“It's not their fault; I'm intimidating…” I cautiously looked over at him. He was also staring at a book cover, a pensive little frown on his face.

“... I don't think you're intimidating.”

His eyes darted over and back to the book, and the corner of his mouth curled up ever so slightly. “... Thanks.”

I nodded, setting the book down. “.... So …”

“So? …”

“... Play a game?”

He chuckled, looking over at me. “A game?”

I nodded. “You tell me some of your favorite things in books, I'll tell you some of mine. We separate, select a few of our favorites that the other might like, and reconvene.”

“Alright. Is there a way to win this game?”

“Well I assume we'll each pick at least one book the other hasn't read, so we'll get to make each other read at least one of our favorites. That sounds like a win to me.”

He chuckled. “Alright. Meet back up at those comfy chairs in the back?”

I nodded, telling him some of my favorite tropes, genres, and settings. He did the same, and we darted in opposite directions. He beat me back there, but I eventually approached with a small stack, falling into the seat next to him.

He gestured toward my books; “ladies first.”

I tucked my feet under me, passing him each book in turn and making a case for it. He took each one, read the back cover, and listened intently. He had read one of them, and I figured he'd pick one of the others, if that, but he insisted he was going to get them all. When it was his turn, I wasn't entirely sure what to expect, but Pride and Prejudice wasn't the first thing that came to mind. 

“I've seen a few movie adaptations, but I haven't gotten around to reading it.” I smiled softly, taking the book. It was a beautiful blue cover with swirling calligraphy font in gold.

“An unparalleled tragedy - I insist this is the one you're taking home!” I giggled at his determined tone and nodded.

“Yes, sir!” I made a little mock salute, trying not to smirk at the sudden wave of pink overtaking his face. “... Well, what else do you have for me?”

He cleared his throat awkwardly, looking at the books in his hands. “Ah, um …”

One by one he passed me Hamlet, the Three Musketeers, a book of Greek myths, and … a trashy romance?

“... Not gonna lie, this is an unexpected choice.” I read the back. It looked like your typical bodice ripper.

He chuckled, blushing a bit. “Look, it was the only book I had access to one day and I was losing my mind with boredom. But if you give it a chance, it's actually really well written, and the love interest isn't one of those creepy possessive guys the genre is known for, so …”

I nodded, taking a picture of the book covers. “I will give it a chance then!”

“... Why are you taking a picture of them?”

“... To get later? I'll start with this one, since you were so determined that I read it.” I held up Pride and Prejudice. Jason gathered up the others, putting them on his stack, then gently took Pride and Prejudice from me as well.

“Or I could just get them for you.” 

“What? Jason, no. I mean, that’s really sweet of you, but that's way too much!” Between the books he'd picked out for me and the ones I'd selected for him, he was holding at least $200 in his hands. And he'd picked the pretty hardcovers too! 

He shook his head. “I've had to cancel on you at least 5 times, and then I disappeared with no warning. You have been incredibly patient and understanding, and I will make today worth it.”

I blushed brightly, a bit surprised. “Jason, … you're worth waiting for. I enjoy talking to you, you don't have to spend money on me for today to be worth my time.”

He looked away uncomfortably, bright red, holding the stack of books to his chest. “... I … I like talking to you too … just let me do this, yeah? Call it a first date splurge.”

“... Alright, if you're sure. But I don't want you making a habit of this.”

He nodded, smiling softly. “Don't worry; I know you're a strong, independent woman.”

I nodded once, chuckling. “Damn right.”

Jason grinned, god he had an infectious grin, and led me to stand in line together. He held the stack of books in one hand, and we chatted a bit more while we waited for our turn. I was looking at a selection of little plushies in the impulse items when I felt something brush ever so slightly against my finger. I looked down; his trembling hand was next to mine, his pinky slightly extended toward me. I chuckled softly, extending mine toward him, and gently linked our fingers together. He stiffened ever so slightly before relaxing into it, gently squeezing back.

Next ->

Divider by @saradika (and my thanks for making them free to use!)

Taglist (let me know in the comments if you want to be added or dropped!)

@jawdropforkpop @krys0210 @snowy-violet @superthoughts @wordsfromshona

[bg-brainrot]

Unraveling Plan Meet Immeasurable Insecurity (Astarion x GN!Tav)

Featuring: Astarion x Rogue!Tav

Series: Fits into Love at First Knife, AO3 link here

Rating: Teen

Summary: Tav tries their damnedest to propose, only to be rebuffed by Astarion at every single turn.

Tags: Astarion POV - alternating w/Rogue!Tav, POV Second Person, Gender-Neutral Pronouns, Fluff, Spawn Astarion, Post-Canon, Marriage Proposal, Mild Hurt/Comfort, insecurities

A/N: based on a request from a kind anon on Tumblr– "Would you ever consider writing a one-shot where Tav tries to propose to Astarion but keeps failing multiple times. But Tav doesn’t give up and raises the stakes higher and higher. Astarion will completely remain oblivious because he still has some self esteem issues (why would anyone want to marry him?) and is really confused why Tav is acting nervous around him."

I ended up taking it in a slightly different direction (based on the man’s self esteem issues as you pointed out, anon). Set an undetermined amount of years post BG3, post saving Karlach from Zariel, post-Lae’zel finishing the githyanki uprising so the gang's all here. I hope the kind anon still enjoys it!

Word count: ~5.6k

Astarion first has an inkling that something is the matter when you sneak away from him.

Odd, he thinks, watching your retreating back. Usually they invite me along for this sort of skulking about.

But he understands, better than most, what a bit of privacy could afford someone who hasn’t had any in so long. So he watches you leave, pretending all the while that he hasn’t noticed a thing. Best not embarrass them, of course.

He brushes off the incident as an anomaly– after all, you continue to be your usual self upon your return. Neither of you speak of your absence, and you seem rather pleased with yourself, so he is pleased for you.

The next time he notices something is off he grows a tad more worried.

This time you don’t disappear, but you do spend a concerning amount of time staring at his hands, expression pensive.

“Darling,” he starts. He quickly tucks his hands under the Elfsong table that you both sit at and leans forward. “What are you doing?”

You blanch at the question– an uncharacteristic reaction to be sure. “Oh,” you sound startled, as if you’ve been caught doing something quite naughty. “Nothing at all. Just wondering if you’d done anything new with your nails? They look… nice.”

It’s a lie, that much is clear to Astarion. But it’s not typical that you lie so poorly. And why should you lie? No matter, you look flustered and gods does he love it when you look flustered– it happens so rarely that he feels the need to truly relish it. “Don’t they?” he asks, flourishing his hands in front of you now. “How did you know? I dipped them in an essence of ooze to thoroughly moisturize them.”

“Really?” Your bewilderment almost brings a laugh out of him.

“Gods no, my dear,” he says, reaching out from under the table and for your hands. “You seem quite out of sorts. Are you alright?”

“I’m fine,” you dismiss, staunchly avoiding eye contact with him.

Odd, he thinks again. Where is their usual daring now?

He’s forced to dismiss the thought as you flag down a waitress, ordering yourselves another bottle of wine.

Astarion becomes genuinely concerned when you return home late one night.

The two of you have grown comfortable together in your house, just on the outskirts of Baldur’s Gate, in a cozy corner of Rivington. The location allows you to continue your work with the guild, gives him plentiful access to any criminals that needed exsanguinating, and your former companions are never far.

It does mean that you will sometimes stay late in the city, working well into the sunlight hours– but you also know to send him a message on the days you stay out late. Otherwise your poor, beautiful vampire will waste away in worry.

“Where in the nine hells are they?” Astarion curses aloud on this particular dawning day. He’d tried sending a message to you, only to receive nothing back. He’d sent another to Shadowheart, again to silence. He considers trying someone less responsible like Karlach, when you finally burst through the front door.

“Oh! Astarion,” you say, surprise plain on your face. As if he wouldn’t be here, in your shared home no less, waiting for your arrival. “What are you still doing up?”

He watches you silently for a moment as you tuck something behind your back, straighten out uncomfortably. Then, with all of the annoyance he can muster, he rolls his eyes at you. “It’s lovely to see you too, my dear. It’s not as if I was worrying my gorgeous head off at the thought of you dead in some rank Baldurian gutter.”

“I’m sorry,” you say, shuffling around the room in a rather suspicious manner. “I lost track of time. I figured you would go to bed without me.”

Astarion can’t remember the last time he went to bed without at least knowing where you were. Even if he could, he suspects he really would rather not. “Darling, you know I need my warm-blooded lover by my side to enter my reverie. Besides, what could have possibly taken you so long?”

You hesitate, and something tugs at Astarion’s insides. He feels a sudden sense of fear, a dread that he may regret asking you this question. 

What if you’re upset at him, and this was your way to maintain space? What if you’ve finally, rationally taken a look at your situation and determined that no, you’d really rather not love a monster like himself? Or worse, what if you’d found someone else, someone who could bask in the daylight alongside you? Gods, the idea sends his undead heart plummeting.

Just as you’re about to open your mouth to answer, he rescinds his question, “Nevermind. I don’t want to know. I merely wanted to make sure you were alive. You’re looking as sprightly as ever, so I shall head to bed.”

He doesn’t wait for your response, heading to bed in a dramatic swirl and even more sensational thoughts. 

He’s right, he knows it to his core. You’ve found someone else, someone who can give you the life he never could. More than anything he wishes he had the courage to confront you, especially as all of your odd behavior clicks into place.

They snuck off to find a lover.

They were staring at my hands in the hopes that they were someone else’s.

They stayed out late to relish in another’s company.

They’re aloof because they’re leaving me and it’s all a matter of time.

It’s as plain as day. How could he have been so very, very blind?

__

You had concocted a nice, simple plan.

It involved a ring, a smattering of your closest friends, and a particularly prickly vampire. Ideally, the plan ended with the vampire agreeing to marry you.

Gods. The idea thrills you as much as it scares you: you are actually going to propose to Astarion.

After years together, you and Astarion are practically already married. This is merely a formality in your mind. But of course, for a man like Astarion, it's a formality that means only the utmost effort must be put in.

But, as it always goes in your life, your nice, simple fell apart.

The problem you're finding is that, after weeks of preparation and secretive planning, the man is being oddly distant. Distant and dismissive. It's almost as if he knows something is afoot, and he's utterly determined to make sure it doesn't happen.

Five times now he has thwarted your attempts at a proposal.

"Astarion," you had started the first time. "Would you like to take a walk in the park with me tonight?”

The look he’d given you was equal parts wary and panicked. So much so that you thought maybe you’d misspoken. But his response was measured enough. “No, thank you, darling. I’m afraid I’m quite spent today.” He gave you a yawn to illustrate his point, and you dropped the subject for the night.

You had had to send a message to Shadowheart to call off the trail of poisonous flowers that your friends were laying out for your stroll.

The next time, you had tried being a bit more casual in your attempt.

“Would you enjoy a day at the spa, Astarion?”

Again, he gave you a look that confused you. Frightened face, hackles raised– his only response was, “Why, darling, do I look that ghastly to you?”

“You know that’s not what I–”

“No matter,” he’d waved you off. “I am afraid I’m busy today.”

You’d sent a message to Karlach, telling her that the reservation of Baldur’s Gate’s spa was no longer needed.

The third time, you’d called in some more magical help.

“Astarion, what do you say to a moonlit picnic atop the roof of the Elfsong? We haven’t had one in a while.”

Appalled– utterly and truly aghast is the only way to describe the face he’d made. The words that followed didn't make you feel better either. “And why would we do that again after such a long while?”

Your stomach had roiled, worry settling in at his tone. “I thought it would be a chance to reminisce together.” Your tone stayed light, your smile just as friendly.

“It’s far too cold to bother with reminiscing,” he’d said, glowering at you. Looking at the hard set of his jaw, this is when you’d begun to worry that you’d done something to upset him.

“Is everything alright?” you’d asked, reaching out for his arm.

“It’s fine,” he’d replied, curtly, retreating from your grasp. “I just don’t want to be colder than I already am.”

You’d sent a message to Gale, instructing him to call off the magical skywriting over the Elfsong.

For your fourth attempt, you knew you needed someone with a slightly more forceful personality– and to perhaps lean a little less romantic.

“Astarion,” you’d begun, inflecting your tone with just the right amount of panic. “Lae’zel’s found a flock of mephits along the beach of Wyrm’s Crossing. She needs our help.”

“Mephits?” he’d asked, looking at you cautiously. “In Wyrm’s Crossing?”

“Yes,” you’d replied, nodding hurriedly. “We need to go now.”

He’d clicked his tongue at you and shaken his head. “As if Lae’zel couldn’t crush them all with a single swing. Seems to me like she’s grown lazy after all of her heroics.”

“Astarion,” you’d chided. “You know she will incredibly cross at us if she finds out you declined to help.”

“I’ll survive,” he’d said, returning to the book on his lap, hands turning paler than usual in a tense vice grip. “Probably.”

After, you’d sent a message to Lae’zel, instructing her to do as she pleased with the stash of fireworks on the beach.

The fifth time you’d grown genuinely, truly worried that something was wrong with Astarion because, by the gods, the man had refused to commit crime with you.

After so many failed attempts, you’d figured that you needed to go back to the roots of your relationship– to a simpler time when petty theft gave you some time alone together.

“I heard a rumor through the guild,” you’d said offhandedly over dinner. “A newly minted noble in the Upper City has quite the horde of wealth and very little security. What do you say that we pay them a visit, perhaps ‘relieve’ them of some of their wealth?”

Astarion had faltered, clearly tempted by your offer. But after nearly two weeks of avoiding going anywhere with you, he didn’t outright agree either. “And why would you need me for this particular job?”

The question had taken you aback. You’d never needed a reason to invite him along for crime of all things. It made you near certain that he knew what you were up to and that something about it was distasteful to him. Sweet hells, it made you nervous. “I, erm… well, I could use an extra pair of hands to carry it all, I suppose?”

“I could lend you my pack then,” he’d said, narrowing his eyes at you.

Why is he trying to avoid me? Have his feelings changed? you’d thought in fear. Aloud, you’d only doubled down. “Well, the company might be nice. And you know that your lockpicking is, somehow, better than mine.”

“I thought you said security was sparse,” he’d countered.

“Sparse doesn’t mean nonexistent.”

“Not much of a challenge then, is it?”

You had wanted to scream into the astral plane. Wanted to flip the table over his pretty pale face. Wanted to tell him, ‘You know what, I didn’t want to marry such a stubborn vampire anyway!’ – but you did none of those things. Because you love this man and, even when he’s being difficult, you do want to marry him.

So you had gritted your teeth and said, “Very well then. I shall borrow your pack.”

You’d sent a message to Wyll later to call off his father’s help with the upper city guards.

For your sixth attempt, you decide you first need to reconvene with your council– also known as your former companions. 

When you’d first met with them at the start of this whole ordeal, you’d snuck away from Astarion. It made you feel a bit guilty, sneaking around, hiding things from him, but the entire proposal was meant to be a fun surprise– one you are starting to suspect is a misguided effort. 

You profess as much aloud now that you’re meeting up with the five of them again, seated around the table in Jaheira’s kitchen. “Maybe there is no sixth attempt. Maybe I’ve overestimated the love between us.”

“Don’t say that,” Wyll says, placing a comforting hand on your shoulder, squeezing softly in reassurance. “Your love is strong. And together we will find a way to make this proposal work.”

You smile up at the man, one always so willing to believe in the power of a good love story. You’re almost sorry to be disappointing him– and the smut peddlers. Really, you’re sorry to be disappointing all of your friends. Each of your companions had been eager to help you in your endeavor, in their own ways, of course.

Gale had congratulated you prematurely at first, misunderstanding your Sending spell. But when you’d clarified, asked him for his help, he’d only been incredibly enthused, arriving the very next day, offering all manner of suggestions.

Karlach, for her part, was only ever excited, practically bouncing off the walls that two of her best mates may potentially tie the knot. At the low, low price of allowing her to be your person of honor, she was entirely at your disposal.

Lae’zel had been confused initially. In her mind, you were already committed to a life together. What was the purpose of this… proposal? Of marriage? But when you’d explained to her a bit, she’d been curious– and excited at the potential of catching Astarion off guard.

Shadowheart had seemed surprised when you’d asked. You weren’t already married? Alas, she’d gotten the plot of one of the many bawdy novels about you confused with real life. No matter, she was happy to help.

And, well, Wyll– when he returned from Avernus he’d been disappointed that you weren’t at the very least engaged yet. It was no shock or awe to him when you visited him for help. In fact, he had only given you a wry smile and said, “I knew you would be the one to cave.”

As for Jaheira, well, she was allowing you to use her house as a headquarters, but had proclaimed early, “Invite me to the wedding and I shall be there, but until then– well, this is for you lot to figure out.”

And gods were you having trouble figuring it out.

“I don’t know, Wyll. I’m worried Astarion may never revert back to normal at this rate,” you say, shaking your head.

“Was he ever normal?” Shadowheart asks with a soft snort. “Besides, he can be awfully dense at times, you may just need to ask him outright.”

“There is not a single realm in which Astarion says yes to a simple proposal,” you say, brows furrowing. “You know he’d want something flashy.”

Gale raises a finger sagely before countering, “Well, my friend, sometimes what we want and what we need are two different things. I’m inclined to agree that you may just need to pop the question.”

“What if…” you trail off, your worries from the past weeks bogging down your thoughts. Somehow, despite everything you’ve been through, this seems to be your toughest challenge yet. “Do you think he knows what I’m doing and is simply too afraid to reject me?” you ask the group, turning to each of them with pleading eyes. You’re honestly not sure you can take his rejection, especially after the last five rebuffs.

“Not a chance in the hells,” Karlach answers. “I think he’s being a right idiot, actually. And if he knew what was happening, he may even say yes before you can so much as get the question out.”

“Really?” Your mood lightens a bit, her harsh words slashing through the hardened doubts that have settled over your heart. 

“Is it any surprise to us that Astarion is incapable of seeing the truth before him?” Lae’zel says, rolling her eyes. “Such sharp skills, yet completely dull in the face of our efforts.”

“Again, we may just need a softer touch,” Shadowheart suggests, tilting her head at you.

You’re not sure what a softer touch might be, and, from the silence that follows, neither are any of your companions.

Your resident wizard is the first to break the silence. “I could always create a simulacra–”

“Gale,” Wyll interjects, politely. “I’m afraid I don’t think that’s much softer.”

“Right,” Gale says, leaning back in his seat.

Another long moment of silence and you’re truly starting to feel defeated. You hang your head a bit, thoughts filled with the image of a certain beautiful, pale elf’s mouth curling at you in distaste, forming a pronounced ‘no.’

“Soldier,” Karlach starts. You look up to see her smirking at you. “If he won’t willingly join you anywhere. I think we both know what you need to do.”

–

They are going to sink the final nail in the metaphorical coffin.

For nearly two weeks now, Astarion has successfully avoided his lover’s attempts to get together in a public space– likely what they saw was the best, most civil way to dispose of him. But, foolish as it is to cling to something like a withered love, Astarion doesn’t want this relationship to end.

Perhaps, if I can do this for long enough, they will change their mind, he thinks. Gods, that sounds pathetic, even for him.

Astarion was running out of excuses, and, worse yet, running out of willpower. What is the use in fighting the inevitable? he thinks, as he walks down the streets of Baldur’s Gate. It’s a moonlit night, and he’s on the prowl for a criminal to bite– he needs something, anything to distract him from his woes.

He turns the corner, on high alert.

Then again, a more selfish part of him counters. Why shouldn't you fight for your love? They were the first good thing to ever happen to you in this damned world.

That’s when he spots them– the-first-good-thing-to-ever-happen-to-him is hiding behind a bush directly before him, facing another alleyway. There are very few reasons that they would be out at this time of night, in the middle of this particular street of Baldur’s Gate. While they could be on a mission for the guild, he had last seen them at home, reading by the fire. It’s clear that they followed him, are waiting to ambush him.

Is this it? he thinks, eyes narrowing. His chest hurts, more than ought to be possible given his lack of beating heart. Is this how desperate they are to be rid of me? May as well go out with flair, I suppose…

Astarion sneaks forward, careful to remain outside of your field of view. He settles behind you in the darkness of the bush, watching you as you look out for him. Despite the ache in his heart, the clenching of his stomach, he can’t help but think of how lovely you look under the moonlight– of how lucky he has been to have had you.

If this truly is it, he thinks. I can’t wallow or cry. I shall hold my head high and consider myself fortunate to have met them. To have loved them. At least, he hopes he’s capable of such a performance. Because right now, quietly crouched next to you, he wants nothing more than to pull you into his arms, to beg you to reconsider.

But no. He refuses to look pathetic– not after the life he has lived.

So, after waiting with you for a few minutes, he leans forward into your personal space and asks, “Darling, what are you doing?”

Astarion is ready for your instincts to kick in, so when your knife is drawn in a flash and you’re lunging for him, he’s easily dodging backward, holding his hands up in peace. “Now, now darling, I thought we were past the knives at throats.”

“Astarion?” you ask, startled. “Sweet hells, you haven’t snuck up on me like that in years.”

“Yes, well,” he says, avoiding your eyes now. He’s surprised by how much gazing into them has weakened his composure already. “You also haven’t looked so utterly distracted by your own thoughts in years either.”

“What are you doing here?” you ask, ignoring his words. “I thought…”

Yes, dear, what did you think? he wants to ask, to catch you in the act with a cruel moment of revelation, to hurt you as much as you’re about to hurt him. But when he brings his eyes back to yours, he knows he can’t do that. While he’s still capable of maiming, killing, all manner of atrocities– he cannot hurt you. So he only says, “I was out hunting and I saw you hiding in a bush. What are you doing here?”

“I–” you falter, seemingly torn. Perhaps you’re having second thoughts. Perhaps this is his chance to keep you from breaking his cold, crumbling heart.

“Do you need assistance, dear?” he asks, ready and willing to show how much he would do for you. Anything, honestly, if it means you’ll stay by his side.

“Gods, I keep mucking this all up,” you mutter, head hanging in uncharacteristic defeat. “Maybe Shadowheart was right.”

What did that damned cleric do now? Is she the one you’re leaving him for? He’s about to make a reflexive, snide comment about her veritable barnyard of animals, but stops when he sees you sheath your blade. When you wipe a hand over your face in frustration.

Oh. You’re miserable. You wouldn’t look like this normally. You would never be this nervous, this stressed to see him– not unless his very presence had turned toxic. “I should go, shouldn’t I?” he asks, throat tight.

“No!” you say, reaching out a hand to keep him from leaving. Your grip is tight, painful in its panic, but he doesn’t complain. How could he when you look like this? 

More than anything, he wants this worry that lines your face to fade, the jittery movement of your hands to abate. So maybe it’s up to him to spark the beginning of the end… “Did you… have something you wanted to tell me?” he asks, swallowing down the fear that threatens to overwhelm him.

“I…” you gulp, bringing your second hand to join the first, loosening your grip. You raise your head, and he sees the tumult in your gaze. At the very least, you must care about him somewhat to stress yourself this much. “Astarion, please don’t be upset.”

How could he not? But, somehow, he manages a sad smile at you anyway. “As if I could ever be upset with you, my love.”

Then you drop to a knee in front of him.

– 

“Astarion,” you say, voice shaking a bit with nerves. “I had wanted this to be something lovely. Something meaningful. But… I guess you love ruining plans, don’t you?”

“What,” he breathes out, confusion plain on his face. His red eyes dart between yours, as if trying to process a sudden, large shift. You suppose it would be a shift in your relationship, even if you were practically married already. If he even decided to say yes.

You release his arm with one hand, reaching into your side pouch for the small square box that’s waiting for you. Fingers less dexterous than usual, you fumble over clutching it, opening it single handedly. You’re not used to looking this foolish, and you can feel a heat over your cheeks, an anxious shake to your movements.

But before too long the box is open, a shining platinum band resting inside.

It looks like everything you’d hoped for in the moment– its inlaid red rubies catch the moonlight just beautifully. You’d spent weeks agonizing, wondering if you had picked the right one, imagining what it might look like were it to be placed on his perfect pale finger. Here and now, with this man standing before you, you know it would look exquisite.

“Astarion,” you start again, courage returning to you with that knowledge, some of the words you’d prepared coming back to your mind. “These past years together have been the best years of my life. You’re my best friend, my dual blade, and I love you more than I can even say. I don’t know what our future holds, but I would consider myself lucky to walk towards it with you at my side. So…” You pull the ring from the box, holding it up to the man you love with a smile. “Would you, Astarion Ancunín, do me the honor of marrying me?”

Astarion Ancunín, despite years of quick quips and sultry words, seems to be frozen in place, unable to speak.

You’re used to these moments, when he needs to process, but you’re not used to them when you’re on one knee, waiting for a response. “Astarion?” you hazard.

“You’re…” he says, face slack, mouth barely moving. “You’re proposing to me?”

It’s not a no, but it’s certainly not the reaction you’d be hoping for. “Erm, yes. Is that… distasteful to you?” You can feel your hand recoil somewhat, your smile slip.

His expression remains blank, lips slightly agape as he continues to take in the scene before him. “You– you don’t have a new lover? You’re not planning to leave me?”

“What?” Now it’s your turn to be flabbergasted. “Astarion, what are you talking about?”

The sigh that leaves him then could collapse a small house. “Sweet hells,” he says, face and body relaxing. “I thought… I thought that you were acting odd, like– like–”

“Like I was trying to surprise you with the magnificent proposal you deserve?” you respond, suddenly understanding his behavior and growing a smidge annoyed. “Like I didn’t want to propose to you behind some damned bushes?”

Astarion looks around, as if just now realizing where you are, what is happening. “Yes, now that you mention it, like that.”

You want to be upset, but then the man above you laughs. It’s light, breathy, and utterly relieved. “You were really worried, weren’t you?”

“Oh my sweet love, I was about ready to jump into an Oubliette,” he says, shaking his head ruefully.

“You thought I would leave you, just like that?” you ask, brows furrowing in concern. Maybe you should have just proposed in your living room.

“I wouldn’t blame you,” he says, looking down at you with a tinge of sadness in his smile. “I doubt that this was the life you were looking for, darling. As a matter of fact, are you… sure about this?” He eyes the ring in your hand, all but forgotten in his confusion.

You proffer it again, raising your hand a bit higher this time. “The only life I’m looking for is the one with you in it, Astarion. I am quite sure.”

His scarlet eyes dart between yours questioningly, and you merely stare back, staunch in your words and intent. “Even if I’m a fool that forced your hand– left you kneeling in the dirt?”

“We’ve done worse things on dirt, Astarion,” you say, smiling widening at the memory of the first time he’d told you he loved you. “If you’d like me to get out of the dirt though, you could answer my question: Would you marry me?”

__

Once more, he looks between your eyes, this time his are wide, open– daring to believe that his darkest fears are just that. Fears. Ones that you would vanquish without a second thought. How could he have been so blind to that. Moisture pools at the corner of his eyes at the realization.

So he drops to his knees, reaching for your face with his hands. In a single movement, he’s pulled you toward him, captured your lips with his with an undeniable longing. A longing to hold you in his hands for as long as he is able. A longing to taste your lips on his, each and every day. A longing to never be without you, to be yours until death do you part.

You respond to his kiss in kind, lips pressing against him with your own pent up longing. He distantly hears the ring’s box fall to the floor, feels your hand brush past his ear to clutch his hair. You kiss him like he’s the answer to every question you’ve ever had and he feels a small tear run down his face as his eyes squeeze tightly shut.

Gods he would never tire of kissing you.

I ought to respond, he thinks in the back of his head, as he moves his lips against yours.

Is this not response enough? he argues, not wanting to break apart from you, for even a moment.

No, it wouldn’t do to have any confusion, not after the past two weeks.

So, before he can forget himself, he pulls back from you, far enough to look into your eyes. “That was a ‘yes’ in case that wasn’t evident.”

You laugh, short and breathless. “Oh good,” you say, leaning back further and bringing up the ring between you. “Then may I?”

Astarion removes his left hand from your face, holds it out to you with a large, gleeful smile. “You may.”

You slip the ring onto his finger. It fits well, matches his eyes, looks positively sumptuous– as always, you know him too well. “It’s stunning,” he says, angling it one way then another.

“I’m glad you like it,” you say, smiling at the sight. “And that you didn’t catch me when I tried to sneak it past you.”

The vampire laughs, shaking his head free of his own silly thoughts. “I smashed your plans into tiny little pieces, didn’t I?”

You don’t say yes, but the look on your face is evidence enough. “I’ll tell you all about what you missed out on later. For now, we should, erm, go get our friends.”

“Go get our friends?” he asks, wondering what in the hells they have to do with all of this.

“Yes,” you say, planting a kiss on his hand before moving to get up. “They’re all in place for another one of these ill fated plans.”

“Ah,” he says, following you up. Then, realizing what you’ve said, he looks at you with concern. “Just what were you in this bush for?”

To your credit, you look abashed. But your words do nothing to lessen his concern. “Seeing as you were refusing to come with me, well, anywhere, we had to pivot our strategy.”

“Darling,” he starts, his tone a deceptive sweetness. “Whatever does that mean?”

“It was Karlach’s plan,” you say, as a means of explanation.

“Oh good. I’m sure whatever it was was perfectly sane then.”

Scratching at the back of your neck, you finally admit the plan, “I was going to give them a signal when you passed. Gale was going to make an illusory double of me getting kidnapped by the rest of them in disguise, then hopefully you would take chase to go save me, they would lose you just as you got to the Elfsong where I would be waiting…”

Astarion looks at you sharply, his mouth a disapproving line. “Really?”

“In retrospect, I can see the flaws in the plan,” you say, palms open. “But in my defense, I was getting desperate. Either way, we ought to go get them. Karlach seemed just about ready to explode from hiding that long.”

“Fine,” he says reluctantly. “This is what we get for having such imbeciles for friends.”

“Funny,” you start, holding out a hand to him. “They said the same about you.”

He takes your hand with an exaggerated eye roll, but can’t help the smile that comes over his face at the feeling of your fingers twining with his. “It’s a shame you had to resort to them for help.”

“I really needed it. You know, I have killed more people than I can count, but you have been my most challenging mark by far,” you say, dramatically as you begin to walk down the alleyway.

“Worse than the giant, world-ending brain?”

“Oh yes.”

The two of you walk in silence for a few steps before Astarion feels compelled to say one last thing before reaching your friends. “Darling, I truly am sorry I ruined all of your plans, but I must ask: Please don’t try to surprise me like this again.”

The expression on your face deflates a little, and you say, “I thought you would like something grand?”

He brings your hand up to his lips for a soft, reassuring peck. “Normally, yes. But, I love you so very much. I’m afraid it clouds my usually impeccable judgment.”

You don’t comment on his judgment, instead focusing on his proclamation of love. “I love you too. So, hopefully, there isn’t a second proposal.”

“One can only hope,” Astarion says with a laugh. “And, if there is, perhaps it’s my turn to do the proposing?”

“Love, if you surprise me, I may kill you,” you say, plainly.

“A risk I’ve always been willing to take, my dear,” the man replies, pulling on your hand. “Now, come. I think I can spot Wyll’s peeking eye from here.”

Hand-in-hand, the two of you walk toward your waiting friends, ready to tell them the good news.

It wasn’t the grand proposal you had envisioned. Nor was it even a particularly romantic one. But, somehow, it was still perfect, still loving, still the beautiful new beginning to the rest of your lives together.

[ryo-kaikura]

Yandere Male CEO x Top sorta low self-esteem male reader

I had some other requests but I wasn't able to finish them 😭(it's like writer's block but on my other stories that I was planning )I'm sorry but this was quite literally stuck to my head.

---------------------------------------------------------------

“YOU KNOW WHAT!!?? WE'RE DONE!!”

“B-but why??? Didn't I do things that you like???”

“ What do you mean I like? U never gave me any attention, you’re even more stuck to your electronics than me.”

“But he sai-”

“I've always wondered why I even liked you, Alexander already said you don't care about me🙄😮‍💨”

“wait plea-”

“Pack up, you're leaving my house I bought with my money”

---------------------------------------------------------------

There it was… my romantic relationship with someone. I always knew relationships are hard but I, m/n, messed up big time. I have no house since I always saved up for our marriage… now I only have around £3 billion. Should I just change it back… it's no use since she doesn't want to marry me anymore.

*at the bank

“Hi.. I wish to change my money back to (country currency). O-oh please put it in my bank savings account”

“Very well sir”

*after booking a hotel room and going in it

Ugh, my hair is long and my body's stiff. I thought she would like a gamer boyfriend but I didn't know she wanted a rich gamer boyfriend.

Whatever… I better go and get a haircut these days. Hmmmm, the money I have, I should invest it but on what?? Oh I know, I ask Derry, he should know.

*in chat

D:Your girlfriend like ugly oily men

U:No way, you're lying

D:Hell no

Today

U: Hey Derry…

D:What's up man

U;What investment should I invest

D: How about company A I heard they're a rising

U: Okay

Weird… wasn't company A going down these days. I should just invest 100.000 on company A just in case and 900.000 on Xander enterprises.

*few days later

I've been staying at the hotel this whole time while searching for a house but my ex made it so hard since anyone that heard my name would cancel their contracts, how did I know… she told me 😅.

The only places that I would be able to buy are mansions 😭… wait a minute… it's not that expensive yay 😆.

*at the house

Huh… it's ugly 🤢. I gotta change it to a proper mansion. This looks like it doesn't scream home, it screams I'm rich so I'm gonna buy a hospital and make it my house. Guess I'll have to do some renovations… I'll call someone, I don't know how to build a house🥲.

OMG, the workers was in budget 😆. But the hotel was fully booked. Where could I stay 😭. Oh maybe Derry would let me

U: What investment should I invest

D: How about company A I heard they're a rising

U: Okay

Today

U: Hey Derry… could I stay at your place

D: Huh… why?

U: My house is being reconstructed

D: Okay

D: Here's my address

D: (Address)

U: Thanks

Thank goodness he let me. I should start going there. Oh he's home. *knock* *knock* he's really home 😁

“Hello Derry glad you allowed me to stay with you😁”

“No prob, btw I have other friends over currently”

“Oh it's fine, so am I gonna sleep on the couch or…”

“There's a guest bedroom, you could stay there. There also blah blah blah house stuff. And blah blah more stuff.”

“Okay thanks, it's already late so I'm gonna sleep😁, good night”

“Okay sleep tight”

*when you're asleep

“Isn't he your rival to getting Mila? Why invite him here, it would've been better just to let him rot”

“Nahh. He's not a threat, Mila will be mine whether she likes it or not*whispering* but I barely feel anything for her…how weird.”

“okay, ‘Derry’🤭😂”

“Shut up 😒”

*a few weeks later

I've been awake since 5 in the morning but I've been thinking because all the advice Derry gave me was useful months ago but a few weeks before, his advice has gone awry. Never mind, it's probably he has bad Intel on those things…I should tell him.

*the kitchen

Oh! There's Derry…

“aren't you tired of letting him stay here?”

Isn't that Mila's voice, why is she calling him?

“No need to worry, I'm not that mean and he's my friend, plus he doesn't have a house now, does he?”

Baby??

“Ugh, you're right, okay bye, tell me when he finally leaves.”

“Bye.”

“since my love is worried, maybe I should kick him out”

*you step into the kitchen

“Oh m/n, have you finally woke up? I've cooked some breakfast for you, eat up😊”

“Oh, okay. By the way, it seems your Intel about investment was off, since company A has just gone to bankrupt”

“Really 😯, but my friend said company A would show their wings and soar through the sky again… I'm sorry, I didn't know..”

“Oh right, Derry, do you want to hang out later today…?”

“Sure I'm free then.”

“Okay see you later”

I've been stressing about the renovations of my house but my appearance is terrible… I should get a haircut before he and I hang out.

*at the barber

“could you show me haircuts? I wanna pick which one is my favorite.”

“Okay sir.”

“I want (haircut pick)”

“Okay”

“It's done, wow sir, you're so good looking, pretty sure if I didn't have a wife, I would've turned gay for you”

“Thank for the compliment”

DERRY'S POV

Honestly, I'm still shocked after all these years they broke up… soon he'll be mine, wait ‘he’??? Wtf??? Nevermind I've probably gone crazy cause I'm tired. This evening m/n invited me to hang out. I'll humiliate him by making him meet his ex. This way she'll hate him more, he'll be embarrassed and I'll be the hero…

*that evening

Ugh, I've been waiting for 5 minutes but where is that ugly sad sack… I'll text him

Company Xander enterprises has

been growing so if you wanna invest

go to that one

Today

Hey, m/n where are you?

Beside you this past 15

Minutes

Huh?

I looked to my side and a guy was waving at me.. His style is the same as m/n but he's handsome… wait no it is him. It looked exactly like him in the past. Why is my heart beating so loudly… there's no way I didn't fall in love with Mila but him at first sight, RIGHT?!!!

“Oh hey m/n, didn't notice you there, I thought you were a creep since you were standing next to me for the past 15 minutes”

“No problem, I should call out to you..”

“Anyways, what did you plan?”

“ You know in the past, you said you like horror movies, right? So booked one for us”

“Oh, it's amazing you still remember”

*after the movie

“It was so exhilarating, don't you think so?”

“Yeah.”

Can't believe he still remembers, she doesn't even remember my favorite things while he did.

Huh why is m/n screamin my name

*CRASH*

FUCK

.

.

.

.

.

----------------------------------------------------------

M/N'S POV

Noo, Derry.. I've gotta bring him to a hospital

*picked him up bridal style

Finally the hospital..

“PLEASE SIGN HIM IN, HE WAS JUST HIT BY A CAR”

seems like screaming did help since they instantly prepared a room. The car… the plate number was Mila's, I know cause I was there when she got that car 3 years ago. Fuck… I should call that friend of his… (you got the phone number when you ask in the first few days he was at the house)

*you called him over

“M/n what happened…”

“I don't know Luke, he was lost in thought and walked super fast, and when I caught up I saw a car hitting him super hard, their plate number was (Mila's plate number)”

“okay.. Could you take me to his room?”

“Oh yes.., let's go”

*at the room

“Ah… m/n did you come to pick me up for uni?”

“eh? You're an adult”

“yeah I'm 20 years old right?”

“ERM, no. Your 28 years old”

“Eh, and who's the bastard beside you”

“This is your friend Luke, you remember right?”

“No, why should I”

“M/n could you wait outside I need to speak with Derry”

*you left the room and went to get water

“How dare you use that nickname”

“Sorry boss, but why are you pretending to be amnesiac?”

“I'm testing something”

“But who hit you?”

“that fucking bitch Mila, never thought she would want to kill me”

“Wasn't it you who was blind to that and even loved her? She realized you were the one behind the ir breakup after she regrets breaking up”

“I was forcing myself… I knew I didn't actually like her… I just can't believe I like m/n.”

“So you're planning to cling to him? Plus you've been lying to him, you think he would forgive you?”

“Hah that's the easy part, all I need to do now is just make him fully believe I'm amnesiac.”

*a nurse came in and brought Alexander to a VIP room

“Did you upgrade my room?”

“No”

“Excuse me, nurse… who upgraded my room?”

“The one that brought you here, the one that carried you like a princess, here a photo(photo of m/n carrying Alexander to the hospital), I couldn't help myself, you both looked like the perfect couple”

“Luke, get me a copy of that picture, and destroy that board”

“Okay sir”

*you enter the room just as Luke was leaving

“Oh why are you leaving Luke? Anyways here's a cup of water”

“Thanks, I'll be leaving for stuff”

“Okay… how are you feeling Derry”

“You do know my name's Alexander right?”

“Huhhh, what!! I thought it was like Dexter or something… it actually makes sense.”

“anyway, I upgraded the room since you look slightly uncomfortable with the bed and room, thankfully it wasn't that expensive”

“...”

“...”

“...”

“Anyway, Alexander, do you want to live with me? My house just finished renovation and I was thinking if you want to help me decorate it since I'm not that up to date 😅”

“Sure😃”

*after he got discharged and started to look live with m/n

“Thanks to you, my new house feels like home”

“No problem, btw can I come over with the secret key you keep?”

“Yeah sure, why not”

“I'll go back to my house now”

“bye 😁”

ALEXANDER’S POV

I really didn't know why is didn't realize I like him, but he should really be cautious *he's checking his phone that shows m/n's house, he put cameras in m/n's house*. I mean in the past I would put cameras where m/n would visit most often but I must truly be in denial.

Heading back I saw Mila, she was in crocodile tears… truly, why did I think I like her… she was sobbing saying shit like, I didn't mean to hit you and stuff.

I quickly head inside and locked then I start to plan my next moves

*next morning

*Alexander goes to m/n's mansion*

I started cooking while I knew he wouldn't be awake. When I heard him coming over, I started to cry.

“*sniff* ugh… I'm soo pathetic”

“Huh, Alex, why are you crying… Are you okay”

“huhuhuhu, a scary girl showed up in front of my house screaming I didn't mean to hit you, huhuhuhu I'm scared. Huhuhuhu”

“There there, who would do that, tch tch tch how crazy people are these days”

“And out of nowhere this expensive looking package showed up🥺, I'm scared to open it🥺. Help me”

“Oh okay, it seems like it's a ring. Oooh, that’s the ring I bought. I was thinking of gifts and rings came up, so this way we'll be matching 😁, you'll wear it right? 🥺”

“ah, em, o-okay.”

“great😁”

M/N'S POV

This ring looks exactly like the ring he showed me when I was asking for engagement ring ideas🥲 maybe he didn't realize it…

*BANG**BANG**BANG*

“OPEN THIS DOOR M/N”

“Huh”

*opening the door

“HOW DARE YOU STEAL MY BOYFRIEND”

“Huh? I didn't”

“Since when was I your boyfriend, pretty sure girlfriends don't hit and run the boyfriends”

“That was an accident, you should know that!!”

“M/n that's the scary women that showed in front of my house 🥺”

“I can't believe you scared a sick patient, you of all people should know that”

“Ugh🙄, I don't care, give me back my boyfriend”

“The one you said was your boyfriend just proposed to me *lifted the ring finger* that means he's not your boyfriend, now, you're just pathetic, security! Kick this women out of the property”

*you and Alex went inside

“Sorry Alex, I used you and lied to her… I mean this ring looks like an engagement ring 😅”

“No problem…but I've liked you since a long time ago, you know”

“Huh?!!!”

“So? Will you marry me?”

“Emmm, aren't you amnesiac, maybe we sho-”

“No, I'm scared you'll get stolen by somebody than so I should ask now”

“Oh, then, yes, I would like to marry you”

----------------------------------------------------------

*A few years later

Life's been great since I married him and lived in my mansion, turns out he's the CEO of Xander Enterprise… and I own 20% of the company's shares from when I invested in the company.

Tho, I'm curious what is in the basement since after we married he took the basement for himself. It used to be for a wine cellar, but we made one in the kitchen.

I should check it out..

*enter the basement and turn on the light

Huh, why are there multiple pictures of Mila and other girls… is he in love with them… I mean he was probably straight… I suppose I should tell him it's fine to take mistresses

ALEX'S POV

*Alex arrive at home

“ Alex… I went to the basement”

Fuck he didn't see the rotting corpses right?

“I'm just gonna tell you this”

If he ask for a divorce I'm gonna threaten to kill myself

“If you wanna take mistresses, I'm fine with it 😔”

“Huh, what, no, definite no, I only like you.”

“You don't need to lie I say the pictures”

“How about I prove myself then😄”

“Huh???”

*after sex

“😚how was it.. My ass, can't believe you took control in an instant and did it for the whole night 🤭”

“Um😅, you just felt sooo good, it felt like you were hugging my penis 🥵”

“So you won't ask about mistresses and side pieces??”

“I won't😘”

“This is why I asked you not to go in the basement😔”

“I'm sorryyy😖, but why do you have pictures of those women”

“Those girls were nagging me to divorce you, so I destroyed their companies 😁”

“Oh, um please don't 😅”

“I'm kidding, I was just showing their flaws since they keep saying you were trash and they were perfect for me”

“OoO, okii”

----------------------------------------------------------

A bit rushed 😖