#whatever its fine <3< /div>
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going back to my roots by making a dream demon sona. but this time i purposefully made him a narrative foil to bill bc why not <3
[image description: a page of drawings of a gravity falls dream demon oc named hodge podge. hodge podge is a circular dream demon with a gold and aquamarine yin yang-like pattern, with each half having one eye. the gold half has a rectangular eye with a pentagon-shaped pupil, and the aqua half has a circular eye with an apple-shaped pupil. he has dark pink stick limbs and a white and aqua jester hat floating off of his head. he also has gloves, jester shoes, and a glowing aqua magic wand shaped like the hand of eris. also on the page is a comic of hodge podge and bill cipher, where hodge is saying "mad that i can experience childlike wonder?" and bill responding "could you please die." around the comic are notes that say "they have the most obnoxious philosophical debates known to man" and "aroace on aroace violence". the final part of the page is a redraw of the "i'm you from the future" meme, where on the left are older versions of the artist's gravity falls ocs and on the left is the same drawing repeated three times in a row of hodge. end id]
#this is one of the most self indulgent things ive done in a while#genuinely surprised at how much i remember my old dream demon designs#wild knowing that like. none of you knew who i was back then. messed up#anyways i made him discordian themed bc i thought that would be a fun opposite for bills illuminati theming <3 also bc it was fun to do#would you break it in half like a cookie yes or no. vote now on ur phones#doc talks#my art#my characters#gravity falls#gravity falls oc#bill cipher#dream demon#god do you guys even call them dream demons anymore. i havent drawn stuff like this since 2017 so idk#i guess if were looking at actual bill lore theyd probably be flatlanders#whatever its fine <3
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idk
#i wanna cry but honestly i dont rlly know why#idk why the anxiety of doing certain things is so bad but#he just doesnt understand and i dont get it like im trying !!!#you arent !! really helping !!#i dont even enjoy the game man im literally just doing it for you#maybe if i was prettier he would be happy just being in call and staying with me lol#whatever its fine <3#this is so doomed hes just gonna wake up tmrw and leave me#i dont care anymore#gonna fucking cut myself yay why cant i do literally ANYTHING RIGHT#i wait around all day bc i assume hes busy ?? wrong#he tells me he isnt working and doesnt ask to call so i leave him alone ? wrong#i play with friends ? wrong#im so tired i just wanna end it#i dont wanna be alone rn i really dont im gonna do smth i regret but its fine#just kill me already pls#jamie.txt
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LEGEND tells of a LEGENDARY COWPOKE… whose sharpshootin’ skills were the stuff of LEGEND
Sorry for this one. I really am. I kept mixing up the furious five and the feisty five and then I thought about it for a little too long
(Please DO NOT repost my art to other sites :) )
#way way way higher effort than this idea really shouldve been. but i had fun and im kinda proud of how it turned out anyway#ironically i struggled the most with that normal style panel </3#we'll call this uhhhh#UTY Sharpshootin Clover AU#just in case i post smth else abt it lol. assuming i dont get immediately boo'd off tumblr(likely)#Undertale Yellow#uty au#ufjskdgskl i feel so cringe. whatever its fine its fine :D#uty Clover#uty Starlo#uty Feisty Five#uty Mooch#uty Ed#uty Ace#uty Moray
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maybe someday they won't get cock-blocked but personally I doubt it.
#im starting to feel very uncreative but we can just pretend its one of those 5 +1 things#well. 3 +0 currently but#its whatever it's fine#what can i say#i like to draw lambert blushing#aiden is so done with this shit#he doesnt even care anymore#my art#art#artists on tumblr#digital art#drawing#tw3#the witcher#the witcher 3#lambert the witcher#aiden the witcher#lambert/aiden#lambden#laiden
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some young brozone shenanigans i doodled :]
#trolls#trolls 3#trolls band together#trolls clay#trolls branch#trolls john dory#trolls bruce#trolls floyd#trolls brozone#brozone#sketch's sketches#they're sillay#these are quotes from idk where i geneerated them w a generator for smth to draw akjsdhjkhdf#spruce and floyd partners in puppy crimes#THE HELL HAPPENED TO FLOYUD#SHIT HOLD ON#oh i fucked up the layers#oh well#its fine. its whatever#there fixed#dreamworks trolls#sketch's critter trolls
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Thinking about vampires, death, life, and the space they occupy in between
#to be or not to be. that is the question#ty adam for being my model for dramatic vampire moment#musings on the thinkings about:#when to live you are required to hurt others. you must repeatedly ask yourself what the value of your life is#To sleep... perchance to dream...#ah. THERES THE RUB.#ok I actually couldnt come up with too many thoughts. I had a lot more while I was drawing this but I guess I put them in the painting LOL#reading that soliloquy and being like damn this is just like vampires#the reality of course is that the soliloquy is a debate over suicide and ultimately making the choice to live#even if just out of fear of the unknown#and vampires are about dying and then in undeath choosing to continue to live#despite the fear of eternity and loneliness and hurting others#theyre not the same. but like let me thiiink come onnnn I'm allowed to thiiink and have incomplete thoughts#I would have to write like a proper essay about this to organize my thoughts. this is the tags on a tumblr post.#anyways finished episode 79#working on patreon stickers for this month (and next month soon)#and working on book 4. taking a pause from episodes cause I've got 3 weeks of buffer now... UGH#I'm so mad that they changed it. it would have been 5 weeks before but it's fine it's whatever#anyways yeah taking a break from episodes to make my book now!#its good stuff.#and this painting is good stuff#banger after banger from me tbh#this was a little relaxing giving myself a couple hours to muse#it's necessary for my health and I always forget that til I do a painting...#I loved doing the little landscape in the background too I should do that more! I love how plants are just like whatever shape you want#like you can make up any plant you want and not only does that plant PROBABLY exist somewhere#a weirder plant exists somewhere too. so. literally whatever you want#ok bye again for a few days while I get back to work
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sydcarmy if they were fucking cool
#sydcarmy but they have my fashion taste who clapped#carmy 2nd outfit a lil boring#but hes a lil boring fella so its fine#i really like that first drawing btw#if u even care#his tie is matching her skirt :3 (theyre in love)#all of my sydcarmy art unless otherwise specified could be viewed as lesbians or not btw#schrodingers lesbianism#whatever u feel in ur heart#the bear#sydcarmy#sydney adamu#the bear fx#carmy berzatto#my art#fanart#the bear hulu#the bear fanart#sydcarmy fanart#carmy butchzatto
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wdym this isnt how theyre supposed to look
#like. the mouths r super fucked they move side to side#and gales eyes r bugging the FUCK out#but the other expressions looks just fine#its a lil distracting but whatever. a small price to pay#i am gonna do wyll n karlach and any other companion i get as dragons too#bg3#lae'zel#shadowheart#astarion#gale#baldurs gate 3#baldur's gate 3#dragonborn
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kim namwoon and abyssal black flame dragon
#omniscient reader's viewpoint#orv#kim namwoon#abyssal black flame dragon#my sketches#uhhhh sorry i just post whateve rnow ALSDHJ anywyas i keep changing how i draw knw but its fine cos i never post it <3#anywyas i care them. deeply.
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no way in hell i’m finishing this but i’m proud of what i did so here
#wip#sonic#sonic the hedgehog#sth#my art#I GUESS#i don’t know if i know what i’m doing with lighting i just said fuck it we ball#i hadnt intended to draw these soap-like shoes but they just sorta appeared#i’ve drawn way too many neutral arm extended poses recently#this was sorta meant to be like an outfut ref but i don’t like it anymore <3#whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever WHATEVER ITS FINE IM DONE WITH IT ONTO OTHER THINGS#ONTO NEW FRONTIERS EVEN. WHATEVER!!!!!!
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okay so like i posted this this morning but it didnt go through or something hahahxh
this took an embarrassing amount of time to convert from a scanned in pdf to png bc i forgot how to JAJSJC
#mrbugsart#art#traditional art#maccadams#starscream#THE GRAFFITI WAS REALLY FUN TO DO RHO#full body pose a bit stiff but whatever its fine traditional art is an unforgiving mistress#i havent forgotten about the game and ultrakill btw uk has just taken a backseat for nows :3#tf cyberverse#tf starscream
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ATTENTION ALL ALASTOR SHIPPERS:
uniromantic
THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME. PROCEED
#it means you only experience romantic attraction to one person in your life ever!!#some people get their only crush SUUPER late#sooo a few decades or centuries works out fine :3#just as long as it's not a poly ship lmao.. two crushes makes you NOT uni because. uni. like. u know ur root words right#also IT IS NOT “fixing” one's aroness it is an aro identity of its own and not superior to any other identities !!!#just saying that bc fandoms fucking suck#anyway i think it'd be cute. especially with his disgust for even platonic affection. tryna be all intimidating#then THAT all of a sudden?? the agony. such silly billy blissful agony. not blissful for him but for the viewers of his suffering like us#tehe#uniromantic alastor#arospec alastor#aro alastor#alastor#hazbin hotel#FML what if i secretly put a hamburger emoji in tags 🍔 yeah that's right fuck you society#radioapple#radiostatic#duckiedeer#charlastor#what other fucking ships are there uhhhhh#idfk i headcanon him as full-on stereotypical aro whatever you call that i don't even do this bullshit#voxal#radiodust#alastor x oc#i think i am cringe.#i sincerely believe i am cringe and terrible. mayhaps social anxiety. who tf knowssss#P.S. as long as HE is not the one with multiple crushes i know polycules are whack#but ofc he could be grayro but where's the fun in that (there is lots of fun in it i am sorry)#radiorose
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sae is not amused (supposedly)
Bonus: rin lol
merch art used for inspo under cut:
#I FORGOT THE FUCKING RABBITS FUCKK#its fine its whatever ill just gnaw on the wall#anyways ignore the inconsistences between the rendering of shidou and sae- omg look guys more ryusae <33#ik when s2 comes out theres gonna be a lot more merch art with ryusae and god i dont think im strong enough to survive that with the amount#of brainrot i already have#blue lock#bllk#shidou ryusei#itoshi sae#ryusae#shidou x sae#bllk fanart#fanart#art#my art#digital art#artists on tumblr#drawing#illustration#i tried to experiment with the same style i used with the last piece only in a shorter amount of time#and experiment failed i spent 18 hours on these ummm#but i think i got a hand of this new way to shade hair and clothing#its a smoother look and bit more akin to those anime rendered art pieces i love so much so im quite happy with it#still prob not gonna use it for most art pieces bc im lazy and god does this take a shit load of time#but its a cool look i think :3
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its off center i want to dye (have fun finding the hidden morse code)
#i put the same morse code message twice btw#in different spots#(one is negative space so uhh dont get tricked . smile)#(as in written in negative space . with like the eraser tool)#gravity falls#gravity falls fanart#gravity falls art#bill cipher#bill cipher art#bill cipher fanart#baby bill cipher#gravity falls bill#gravity falls baby bill#hidden message#my art#splatoon 3#digital fanart#i hate when i draw shit off center and i cant move it ARRGHHH whatever#its . fine . this art is Fine
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yesterday, i wrote a little snippet of a steve coming out scene that had been living in my head for a bit, and i thought that that was it. and then i kept writing little snippets until this was nearly 3k words long <3 so. enjoy!!
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Steve looks up at the popcorn ceiling, heart beating, beating, beating, nearly out of… his… chest. Steve doesn’t look at Robin, but… he… knows that Robin is looking at… her?
“Feel like we should be in the bathroom for this,” Steve croaks. Robin huffs out a laugh.
“We can move in there, if you want. My parent’s probably won’t need to use it, they’re in bed already.”
Steve shakes… her…? his. His(/her?) head. “No. I feel better in here.”
“Okay.” And then it’s quiet, between them, and it’s up to Steve to fill that silence. Awesome. Steve can do that. Well, Steve could do that, usually, but unfortunately there is something in Steve’s throat that is blocking everything and anything from coming out of it. Maybe Robin will just let him(/her?) sit here in silence forever, until they both fall asleep, and then when they wake up in the morning they can go along with their lives like there’s nothing building up in Steve’s soul, clawing and raging and desperate to come out.
Robin shifts, so that their feet, propped on the wall in front of them, are touching. It’s enough to get Steve going.
“You know when we were in the Russian base, and you said the thing about your life being one big error?”
Robin made a noise of affirmation.
“Were you talking about, like, being gay?”
Robin sits with the question for a few moments. “... Mostly,” is the answer she decides to go with. Steve waits for her to elaborate.
“I guess it was like, well. Some of it had to do with how we ended up in the Russian base, right? It didn’t feel real. Or like it was supposed to happen. But it also felt like just one more thing in my life that went wrong, and I kinda connect all the bad things that happen to me with me being a lesbian.” There’s a beat of silence. “Which I know isn’t really good. But I’ve been doing it for a while, so it’s hard to stop.”
“Yeah.”
“Do you feel like that? About being, um, half-gay?” The term they’ve landed on for Steve’s sexuality is kind of ridiculous, but neither of them could think of anything better for it. And it’s not like they really refer to it by name outside of hushed and rare conversations like this one.
“I guess?” Steve thinks on it a little. “Not really. Not like you, at least. It’s, like…” Steve lets himself(/herself?) brush against the problem in his(/her?) brain. Think about it for more than a fleeting moment.
Terror envelopes him(/her?)(cut that shit out pick one and stick to it). Steve tries to think through it, but it’s kind of hard to breathe.
“It’s more about, um. I don’t know. I… It feels stupid.” It feels wrong. It feels criminal.
“I won’t think you’re stupid,” Robin says, so earnestly, like she believes it. Oh, that’s horrible to think about her. Steve screws his eyes shut. Steve screws her eyes shut.
Pick one. (pick he.) And stick to it.
“Sometimes I… mmm. Sometimes I… Robin, if you—” Steve cuts himself off. This feels evil, what he’s about to say. Maybe more evil than what he is. “If I what?” Robin sounds concerned. Like, worried concerned. It makes Steve want to stop everything and wrap her up in a big hug and never talk about this again. Besides, what was Steve even going to say? Robin, if you hate me after this… what? What does he want her to do? Robin, if you hate me after what I say, please don’t.
If Robin hated Steve for this, he might just die.
“Steve? Are you okay?” Robin takes her legs down from the wall and sits up, leans over Steve, trying to get a good look at his face. Steve covers his eyes with his hands.
“I don’t know. I don’t— eugh.” Steve gulps in a big breath, “Robin, if you— hate me, um—”
“No! No no no no no! No! Steve, look at me! Right now!” Steve wants to, but that might make him actually cry. Steve digs her palms into her eyes. No. His palms, his eyes.
God.
“Steve, Evie, please. Please.” The nickname makes Steve’s eyes water. He swipes at them to make them go away, but they keep flowing. Okay, this is going a bit disastrously. The most important thing to do right now is keep his eyes closed and not look at Robin, or else he might shatter into a million little pieces.
“No, I— let me just— I don’t want you to—”
“I won’t hate you, ever. For anything. Are you okay?” Robin sounds miserably anxious. You can’t promise that, Steve wants to bite out. He swallows it. Steve has to trust Robin, because if she can’t, maybe she truly isn’t meant to be like this. Maybe Robin won’t hate him, maybe Robin will help him fix it.
“Sometimes I think about being a girl.”
The words sit heavy between them. Steve kind of wants to throw up about it.
“... Okay.” Robin says. She sounds a little breathless. Steve tries to imagine the look on her face, but can’t imagine it through the fuzz of terror. And like hell will he open his eyes.
“... Okay?” Steve croaks, after Robin fails to elaborate.
“Yeah, that’s fine.” She still has that breathless note in her voice, but it’s more like an aftermath-of-anxiety breathlessness than still-actively-anxious breathlessness.
Steve worries that he’s(.../she’s?) downplayed the problem here. Steve swallows, mouth dry, throat dry.
“No, I, I don’t just think about it, I like thinking about it. I like it when, um, the kids make fun of me by calling me, a, a mom, and I like when you or Max or El paints my nails, and I, I think about stealing your clothes sometimes and it makes me want to kill myself but I can’t, I can’t stop, I…” Steve is now hyperventilating.
Robin tackles Steve, and Steve’s horrible, traitorous mind wonders if she’ll wrap her hands around his(/her?) throat and kill her(/him?) rather than let him(her?) leave this room.
Steve opens her(/his?) mouth to, who knows, tell her that it’s okay? That he(/she?) understands? That she(/he?) loves her? But nothing comes out, and after a second, Steve realizes that it’s a hug. Obviously. And then Steve starts sobbing.
It takes a few minutes for Steve to stop losing… his? her? God, the thought of either makes Steve want to puke. It takes a few minutes for Steve to stop losing Steve’s mind. And Robin strokes Steve’s hair the whole time, and holds Steve the whole time, and whispers that it’s okay and that she loves Steve, the whole time. It kind of prolongs the sobbing, in a way, because Steve just can’t believe it. But Steve does eventually calm down.
“Steve,” Robin whispers.
Steve sniffles and swallows thickly. “Yeah?”
“It’s fine. You’re fine.”
“I don’t… I don’t know.”
“Well,” says Robin, and then she pauses, like she’s thinking. Steve lets her. There’s a headache brewing in Steve’s temple, and the silence is nice, in a way.
“Well,” Robin starts up again. “I don’t think you’re weird, or messed up, and I definitely don’t hate you. We’ve seen bad things and bad people. And you’re not bad.”
“Well, I… if I’m not bad, or weird, for this, I don’t know what I am.” Steve can hardly believe how well Robin is taking this. It really shouldn’t surprise Steve at all, because Robin is so, so good, but this is something that Steve hates, and they’re usually a united front on that, when it really matters.
So… maybe Robin is right.
Robin climbs off of Steve, lays down next to Steve again. But instead of propping her legs up on the wall, like Steve for some goddamn reason is still doing, she curls next to Steve, facing Steve. Looking at Steve. Still holding Steve’s hands.
“We’ll figure it out.” She squeezes. Steve squeezes right back, and keeps the grip tight.
“Okay.”
They sit in silence, and Steve just… breathes. Tries to will the headache away; not happening, ugh. Drops the legs from the wall. Steve plays with Robin’s fingers, not even trying to process what had happened yet. That can wait til later.
After a few minutes, Robin speaks up again. “Are you okay with questions? If not, that’s fine.” And Steve knows she means it. She will totally drop it for the night and let them settle down and watch a movie or three. But Steve doesn’t really want that right now. Steve wants to stay in this space where, at least for now, what Steve is feeling is fine, and alright. Steve’s never had that before, for this.
“Yeah,” Steve says. “They’re okay.” Maybe they can do the figuring out thing right now. Maybe all of Steve’s problems will be solved tonight. Wouldn’t that be a relief? Robin pulls her hands away, and Steve hears the rasping of her shirt material being rubbed together between her fingers.
“So… do you want to be a girl?” The question doesn’t sound harsh leaving Robin’s mouth, but the words are heavy. It makes alarm bells ring in Steve’s head, forbidden question! Don’t think about it! Don’t think about it! Years of routine repression make it hard for Steve to even consider the question, but Steve tries. Slowly and agonizingly, Steve thinks about it. It genuinely takes a few minutes, but Robin can clearly sense that Steve is thinking about it, so she doesn’t interrupt. Steve loves her so much.
“Kinda,” Steve whispers. “It’s… I don’t know. Really. It’s stupid.”
“Nuh-uh. No stupid stuff right now. Just say how you feel.”
“I kinda wanna be half-girl. Like how I’m half-gay.” It feels stupid. It feels evil. It feels way too indulgent. Even in a perfect world, it’s one or the other. Steve can’t, like, hog them both. They cancel each other out. Right?
“Uh-huh?” Robin is prompting Steve to go on. Oh God.
“Um. Like. I still… like the guy parts of me, you know? I still like being a guy.” That feels really important to emphasize. Steve feels kind of insane, talking like this, actually getting Steve’s thoughts out into the real world. But Robin is still listening, no judgment. It kind of makes Steve want to cry again, but that would make the headache worse so, no thanks. “But I… I like the girl parts, too. I like when you call me Evie, but I don’t want you to stop calling me Steve.”
Steve can feel Robin shift, like she’s nodding. “Okay,” she says again.
“Okay?”
“Yeah. You can… you can be a half-girl, half-guy.” And it sounds simple and a little obscene, when she says it. Maybe not obscene. Maybe more like tantalizing.
“I don’t know,” Steve whispers. “Is that, like… allowed?”
Steve finally turns to look at Robin. Her eyes are big and full of thought. It feels stupid, thinking like that, but there’s nothing else to describe it. Steve can see the thoughts dancing around in her pupils and irises and whatever else is in an eye. It’s so beautiful. Steve loves her so much.
“... I think that you can do whatever you want,” Robin whispers back. “And be whatever you want.”
Steve’s face crumples, just a little bit. Not enough that it means tears, but enough to bring the idea to mind. Steve pinches Steve’s nose. “It can’t be that simple, though.”
Robin tilts her head in a way that can only be described as birdlike. She hates when people compare her to birds, just because of her name, but it fits right now, in the secrecy of Steve’s brain. She looks serious and intent. “Why not?”
“Nobody has ever done this before. I think.”
“Nobody that we know of. We live in Hawkins, Steve, we know like, 500 people. There are probably people in New York, or Chicago, or whatever, that feel exactly like you.”
Steve can’t reconcile with that. It feels so lonely, being like this. It feels inherently lonely.
“And even if you are the only one in the world that feels like this… Well, that’s fine! You can be whoever you want! Especially around me.” Robin grabs Steve’s hands in her own. Her hands are always so cold. Steve loves to hold them and feel them warm up bit by bit. It’s grounding, especially right now.
“I don’t want you to hide yourself. Not from me. I hid for so long, around everyone else, and it was killing me.” Robin’s eyes bore into Steve’s. “And I didn’t know it was killing me, but looking back, it’s like, wow, I was going to die.” Her voice cracks, just a little bit, and Steve makes an involuntary noise. Holds her hands just a little tighter. The warmth is already equalizing between them. “And, I don’t know. I don’t want you to get there. Or, if… you’re there already, I don’t want you getting any further.”
Sometimes it astounds Steve, just how much Robin gets things. This isn’t one of those times, though. It feels deeply right, and deeply sad.
“Alright,” Steve says.
“You won’t hide this from me? After this?”
A shake of the head. “No.” And it sounds so easy, promising this. Maybe it can be easy. Steve hopes it will be easy.
“I love you,” Robin says, and she pulls Steve into a hug. Steve melts into it. Robin gives very bony and kinda twitchy hugs, minute movements every few seconds, and Steve loves them. Robin, a while ago, maybe a couple months after Starcourt, had expressed anxiety about her hugs being ‘godawful uncomfortable,’ her words, but Steve had denied that fiercely. Her hugs were God’s gift to mankind, and if everyone else hated it, fine. More for Steve.
“I love you too,” Steve says into her chest.
They lapse into silence again. Steve thinks about asking for some water, but that would mean one or both of them leaving this room, and all possible configurations seem worse than the lack of water, right now. Steve presses closer into Robin.
“Another question.”
“Yeah?”
“So, you like Steve and Evie, and you’re a girl and a guy. Do you like he and she?”
There’s the dreaded question. Steve can’t hold back a groan. “I don’t know,” Steve says into her chest. “I’ve kinda, thought about it a bit, but… both of them feel weird, by themselves. I guess I like both, but only when they’re next to each other. I can’t really decide on one.”
Robin hums in consideration. “I mean, we’re making all this up as we go. If they don’t feel right by themselves, then why do they have to be by themselves?”
Steve thinks about it. “It feels like they’re supposed to cancel each other out,” Steve says, voicing a thought from earlier.
“They clearly don’t, at least in your case.” Robin presses her cheek to the top of Steve’s head, flattening the hair there. “Don’t think about how things should be. Think about what you want.”
What Steve wants. Okay.
He thinks about he. She thinks about she. And how, apart, they really only feel like half of himself, but together, they feel like they tell the whole story and show the whole picture.
Steve can’t help but think about those optical illusions Dustin had shown her a while back. The one with the two faces. If you concentrated, you see whichever one you wanted at will. And they seemed so opposed, yet so intertwined, and you couldn’t have one face without the other. Maybe he’s an optical illusion. It’s better than being evil.
“Okay. Yeah. Both are good.” Steve can feel Robin smile into her hair.
“Do you want me to use them both?”
Steve feels a flash of panic. “Um— augh. Not… not around other people, um, but—”
Robin squeezes him closer. “Oh, God, obviously!” she says, and Steve is so grateful that they’re on the same page, like, 90% of the time, and that this falls into that 90%. “I can sneak them into conversations between us. Pronouns don’t really pop up in conversations between two people, but maybe if we got a cat or a goldfish or a turtle I could talk to it about you in front of you. Or is that weird? Hm. It might be weird.”
Steve can’t help the smile dawning on her face. Maybe everything will be okay. “It’s kinda weird. But we should do it anyway.”
Robin laughs, and Steve still has his face buried in her chest, so he can feel it. “Yeah,” she says fondly. “I guess that hasn’t stopped us before.”
#steve harrington#robin buckley#stobin#trans steve harrington#genderqueer steve harrington#bigender steve harrington#stranger things#little by little. everyone will believe in my vision of bigender steve#and okay this wasn't really 'edited' or whatever the kids are saying these days but thats fine i'm still proud of this :)#i just love them so much <3 steve and robin figuring things out...#do not know how to write them without having a sappy ending its kinda just inherent in the stobin of it all#anyway ENJOYYYY me and my girlfriend are gonna go out and have a date day :)#quincy.txt#my fics
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Restful Dreaming, Mr. Freelancer
hi everyone :3 so um. I may have gotten very much into rvb smiles. and you know what happens when I really love something! and when I really love some guys from a something! yeap. here we go again. I just think caboose could be friends with everyone. I'm a caboose enjoyer what can I say. I love him.
Washington follows the Blue Team back to Valhalla, where he tries to get some much needed rest. Emphasis on tries. (3828 words)
When Tucker and Caboose find the unused, fourth room in the base, it’s Tucker that sweeps his arm out and gestures grandly to the room around them. It’s not very large—bed, closet, table, desk, bathroom. Enough space to walk around in—enough blue-white light to make sure nobody goes insane in somewhere so dark. Caboose goes on about how they’re almost neighbors, listing off what they could do being so close, gossip and sleepovers and the like, and Tucker goes on about how that’s nice, Caboose, and sure thing, buddy, and both speak to a Wash that’s not listening. He’s looking over the room, filtering in through a fine layer of yellow, just enough to change the hue from cool to warm, and something settles in the slope of his shoulders. He turns after a beat, folding his arms.
“You’re certain I can stay here?” he asks. Tucker shrugs.
“Yeah, I mean…” he starts, in the way that Tucker always seemed to do when he was on the edge of a decision that ultimately made him uncomfortable. “Just repaying the favor. Plus you’re the only one who really knows how to get Church outta that thing.”
“Epsilon,” Wash corrects. “And it’s a memory unit, not a thing.”
“Sure,” Tucker shrugs. “Whatever.”
“We still don’t know where that thing is,” Wash says, but it’s without any of the usual bored sting he might’ve normally laid on. He can feel the worry in the room like water around the ankles, like it invaded his boots. He steps side to side for a moment, trying to shake the feeling.
“We’ll find it!” Caboose pipes up, nodding several times. “We’ll find Church. I know we will.”
Wash sighs.
“Yeah,” he says. “I hope so.”
There’s a beat of silence. Wash feels his lungs work against the tight feeling in his shoulders all the way up until the point where Caboose breaks the silence.
“I’m going to go make lunch,” he says. “I’m starving.”
“Good point, Caboose,” Tucker agrees. He turns to Wash as he adds: “You, uh, let us know if you need anything. You’ve got the tour, now, so…”
Wash nods.
“Right,” he manages. “Thanks.”
“Sure thing.”
The silence leftover is mostly full of the sound of air circulating through the room and pulling into his helmet. Washington stands in the room in that long moment, finding his head spinning just enough to rock his balance. He’s not so sure he should even be standing, but Tucker had handed him enough med-kits to keep him running, and his bones felt mostly in place, despite some nasty bruising up his shoulder and back, all the way down his right hip and thigh and knee. He pulls himself from his stuck spot, finally gathering the strength to unlatch his helmet. Both thumbs hook under his chin until it clicks, and he sets it in the armor stand.
The thing about the armor is that they’re not necessarily supposed to take it off. It does come off, huge chunks of titanium alloy perfectly compressed to fit each wearer, to sit comfortably against layers of computer arrays and magnetic fasteners, bolts and straps and sealers. As soon as he starts pulling, chest pieces and arm braces come loose, and he sheds the exosuit slowly. Underneath is the cool-black bodysuit. That’s the part that really shouldn’t come off. It did, every once in a while, when there was enough time to spend recalibrating, readjusting, resyncing. The suit and all its layers, down to the skin, down to the channel of his spine, from tailbone to nape of neck, aligned with sensors and biocomponents along a fine, white scar to a thick, but equally healed one at the base of his skull, took time to adjust to. That time was precious.
But it didn’t matter with this suit. There was no connection. The suit would simply communicate without having to know, would respond to forces it knew best, and rely on what he had without a physical, grounding connection. He was free of it. The scar and its components would fade from his body. They’d be nothing but a memory.
Carefully, Wash dissects the titanium bodysuit—kevlar—coming apart at the seam, carefully fastened, skin-tight. It’s uncomfortable at first, adjusting to the air of the base, without the suit’s micro-adjustments for temperature and humidity, but he eventually shirks free and places everything in the armor compartment.
He feels light. He also feels exposed and a little small. He searches for any sort of replacement, sleeping clothes, uniforms, anything plastered with UNSC across the arm or chest or back. When he does find it, he’s quick to pull it on and over his head. The shirt falls crooked across him, pants similarly too large, and he has to wonder what sort of Spartan these were made for, knowing how he certainly wasn’t the smallest soldier he’d met. It’s something, though, and he doubts he’ll be wearing it for very long. In fact, he finds himself tugging it off as soon as he figures out the shower, and douses himself in hot water long enough to get the plastic smell off his skin.
Without the shadow of the day, his reflection in the mirror takes on a sunken quality. His eyes are dark and tired, lines stretching out underneath them, and the already-pale, now-bony quality of his face does little to hide it. He’s turned all sharp angles all too quickly. But if he’s got anyone to bitch to it would be himself. Well, maybe Caboose and Tucker would listen. But they probably wouldn’t understand. Epsilon might’ve ratted out his bad sleeping habits to Caboose, were he still around to actually see them. But he very well was half the reason they existed, so, touche.
Besides, now Wash was looking out on a bed that was impossibly too big for him. He pulls back far too many layers of blankets and pushes aside pillows and makes himself a space between it all.
The lights are dim, casting long, fine shadows in the cool light. They dim further to a blackness as he settles, lying back in the few pillows and pulling still-starchy sheets around him. His tired body all but sinks into the mattress, body aching at every joint from overuse, begging to stay and to be comforted. It's there he lies for a moment, adjusting to weight and pressure, air and texture around him. He sighs. It’s the longest exhale in what feels like a very long time. The back of his throat, up through his nose, starts to burn.
He squeezes his eyes shut. He takes a sharp breath in.
Washington’s hands come up on instinct, pressing the heels of his hands to his eyes as he fights back a sound from deep in his chest. It’s hard—it feels so stupid to call this hard, because he could just crack, just for a second. Just for a moment of relief, and—he does, shutting his eyes tight still and willing in a breath through his nose as he turns his face into pillows that he hopes were nobody else's and probably never were and never would be again. Nobody knows he’s alive. Not Command, not Project Freelancer, not the Meta—Maine. Not even Epsilon. For now. The weight off his shoulders was so instant it nearly winded him, on a bed seemingly too large. It was simply him, unshackled, and the blue-white armor in its case, and Caboose, and Tucker. And the base around him was quiet.
Washington lets his body relax. Sleep comes like a heavy blanket.
His second week’s worth of sleep doesn’t go as well. Tonight, Wash is still awake. It’s not of his own choice—if it were he’d already be asleep, curled into the plush pillows and firm mattress. He stares up at the ceiling. His eyes are dry, and it’s not all that comfortable to blink, actually. He’d prefer to focus on sinking into this nice bed, but he’s having a bit of a hard time. What he means by nice bed is that he’s gotten so used to sleeping on the ground or in the back seat of a moving Warthog or the jet or his cot so folded and unfolded that it stopped being comfortable, or the bunk that was just the right size but not nearly deep enough to fit him without moving, that having actual room to move around is really good. It’s really good, actually, and he’s not sure when the last time he had such a nice sleep was.
He’s not even sure when he woke up that first day, aside from the fact that it was Caboose waking him up and it was still dark out—or had just gotten that way. Maybe he’d slept that whole day. But he wandered around the Valhalla base instead, swallowing down the ache low in his spine. He mapped the rooms in his head, twisting around the circular hallways. Kitchen, armory, five rooms, garage, a small central living quarters that remained barren and empty, aside from bits of broken computers, radios, and robot parts. The floor still smelled like cleaner, remnant from the UNSC’s thorough cleaning.
Anyway—he’s still awake in his own room. His eyes hurt. He’s looking into the dark grey ceiling and wondering if sleep might crawl its way back to him when there’s a knock on the door. There’s a brief pause before it happens again. He frowns, scrubbing at his eyes as his brain fights the fog settling over it.
“Agent Washington,” a voice says, feigning a whisper through the sliding door.
“Caboose?” he whispers back, furrowing his eyebrows. Isn’t it late? He looks over to the bedside table, reading the dull red numbers on the clock—yeah. Late. “What are you still doing up?”
He hears Caboose sigh. If he thinks hard enough he can imagine him leaning against the metal frame, cheek pressed against the door, looking about as pathetic as he sounds.
“I can’t sleep,” he says, part tired and almost part sad.
“Why’s that?”
“I—” Caboose lowers his voice even further. “I had a nightmare.”
Wash blinks slowly, sitting up, eyebrows still furrowed as he frowns. He counts himself lucky that his head isn’t spinning from lying down too much. Sighing, he presses his fingers to his eyes, rubbing the sleep from them, trying to make the blurry room come back into focus.
“You—” he tsks as he words jumble in his brain, hazy with sleep. “Why did you come here?”
“Can I come sleep with you?” Caboose asks, completely ignoring the previous question. Heels of the hands to his eye sockets. Alright. Fine. He waves uselessly at the door, knowing full well Caboose can’t see him. Then it clicks in his brain: response. Right.
When Wash goes to give him an answer, it’s replaced by the sound of his bedroom door sliding open and shut and Caboose wandering in. The muddled dark obscures his silhouette more than usual and the normally wide slope of his shoulders was much more drawn in than Wash was expecting. He’s partially shrouded by his own blanket, wrapped around him as he steps in.
Wash feels something rolling around in his chest as he watches Caboose shuffle over, like his brain isn’t absorbing the situation properly. He mostly just feels lost. He’s still sitting up, slouched forward, mouth a fine line. His arms pool in his lap, head tilted just so as he observes Caboose in front of him. This is weird, right? Not in a bad way. It’s just weird.
Caboose stands there, frowning just a little bit, enough to almost be a pout, mostly looking at the bedside and not at Washington.
“I—” Wash starts, trying to protest. Caboose looks up at him for a moment with wide, brown eyes, and Wash feels his chest tighten. He shuts his eyes, sighing out of his nose. Then he pulls the covers back, gesturing vaguely to the space next to him as he lies back down. If there was one thing he’d learned from Caboose, it was that there was no arguing a point once he’d made his mind up. He was as stubborn as he was strong, and the man wasn’t slight.
There’s a beat of silence as Washington gets comfortable again against the mattress again, feeling Caboose move to his left. He worms around a bit, knee bumping the outside of Wash’s leg, elbows knocking together as Caboose makes more of Wash’s bed his own space. With Caboose’s arm now pinning his own, he clears his throat.
“Caboose,” he says firmly.
“Washington,” Caboose says, like his name holds the same weight as it did so long ago. At least someone’s impressed.
He sighs. Caboose is a heavy, warm weight against his side, and although he clings to his left arm like his life might depend on it, Washington couldn’t necessarily call it bad.
“You can either get comfortable,” he says slowly. “Or I’m going to ask you to leave.”
“Okay,” Caboose says quickly, wriggling further over. As his head lolls, it falls against the bone of the high of Wash’s shoulder. He ends up curled up in the space Wash’s side leaves open, head on his shoulder and arm over his ribcage. He’s heavy, holding himself and Wash to the mattress as he relaxes. Wash’s arm ends up pinned under him, bendable at the elbow, enough to shift around and find a comfortable spot to rest it. Caboose manages to pull the blankets over them both haphazardly, lying part on him and part over Washington’s torso. He squeezes his eyes shut. Caboose cannot be serious. This can’t be his solution, right? He takes a long breath in. Caboose finally says:
“Thank you, Washington,” in a soft and sleepy voice mostly muffled by his shoulder.
Washington sighs.
“Sure, Caboose,” he says, resigned. “Glad I could help.”
Caboose hums, sounding comfortable. In the time it takes for Caboose to finally knock out, how short of a time that was, Wash finally relaxes. He lets the weight around him settle him on the mattress, tired and heavy, and lets his eyes close. He can’t catch the edge of sleep just yet, but he can lay here, quiet and still, so that Caboose can sleep. He matches the slow rise and fall of Caboose’s shoulders, feeling his muscles slacken as he drifts off. Maybe it’s nice, actually. The weight against his side, pressure to the muscles that ache, warmth and heavy comfort. He can’t remember the last time someone shared the same bed space as him—those bunks were too small to really fall asleep next to somebody in, and sleeping in shifts wasn’t the same as someone sleeping against you.
He can faintly feel where Caboose’s cheek is crushed against his shoulder, where his arm rests over his chest, hand tucked against his other side. When he looks over, Caboose’s eyes have shut, face relaxed in sleep. There, he leans, pressing his cheek to the top of Caboose’s head, squeezing his eyes shut. Maybe it is nice. Maybe being needed for something so innocent as comfort could be nice. His chest twists, something as painful as it is warm weaseling up next to his lungs.
It reminds him of Invention. Nobody really wanted to leave York alone after the accident on the training room floor. He could fall or trip, he could miscalculate and hit into something harder than expected. They spent time crammed into the bunk spaces, shoulders to shoulders, to hips, to legs over knees, trying to catch sleep in between missions, how little time that was. Washington found himself in these moments more often than not, and now more than ever it seemed that touch was a thing not often disseminated. But he had it now, and he let himself have it. He let Caboose snore into the hollow of his shoulder and tuned it out as he tried to rest.
In the morning he’ll ask him what bothered him so much that he couldn’t sleep, or why he thought Wash could help. It wasn’t important now.
For now, he just tries to sleep.
Wash feels heavy.
He blinks his eyes open, the world coming to in barely-there light and soft blankets. There’s a weight over him, warm and solid. Caboose still sleeps soundly even as Wash shifts to stretch pins and needles from his left arm. The world stays still, held in a quiet balance. In it, Caboose breathes slowly and evenly against his shoulder, torso still haphazardly thrown across Wash’s chest. He’s curled his hand in a loose fist, snagging part of Wash’s shirt.
Washington sighs. There lingers a heavy, groggy feeling over his mind that he thinks he’ll have a hard time shaking, remnants of running too hard, too fast without stopping. He fought so hard only to again come up empty handed, aside from the now-bitter taste of his freedom. But for now he focuses on this moment. He rests his cheek against the top of Caboose’s head.
As he does, Caboose hums, waking enough to tense and relax again.
“Good morning, Caboose,” Wash manages tiredly, lying still. Caboose doesn’t move either, except to shift his cheek to a more comfortable position.
“Hello, Washington,” Caboose says, slow and sleep-thick but cheery. “You let me stay!”
Wash huffs out something, maybe a laugh and maybe a sigh.
“You’re surprised?” Wash asks, staring at the ceiling. It takes a minute for Caboose to answer, and in that time, Wash’s eyes shut, too heavy to hold open. Caboose draws his arm back from his chest.
“Tucker’s not very cuddly,” he says, only partially answering the question. “I can’t really judge if people will like it.”
“I take it not many do?” He asks. Caboose shrugs, somewhat stilted, speaking in that long, sighing way that he does.
“It varies.”
Wash hums.
“Right.”
In a beat of silence, Caboose unravels himself. He sits up, swaying a bit, shuffling around. It leaves a cold hollow where he used to lie, and Wash pulls his arm back from where it used to curl around him. He folds his hands over his sternum as Caboose sits up and shifts back.
“How did you sleep!” He asks, leaning forward, arms resting on his knees. Wash nods, finally blinking his eyes open.
“It was fine,” he says slowly. “How did you sleep?”
Caboose shrugs again.
“I slept okay—” he says. “You scared off all my bad dreams I think.”
Wash snorts, furrowing his eyebrows. Caboose blinks down at him with wide eyes. It’s almost catlike, the way he watches over him, like he’s waiting for Wash to reach out and force him to move out of his space. He’s still slightly blurry, courtesy of the sleep in Wash’s eyes.
“I did?” Wash asks. Caboose nods, looking sincere
“Yep.”
Wash looks away, huffing out. Something turns in his chest, warmly at that.
“Well that’s good,” he says. Caboose nods again. He’s just far enough away that in the dim lighting Washington can’t really read his face, but it seems soft and comfortable and Wash tries to remember if that’s a good thing. There’s only so many times you see someone’s face while being out in the field that you sort of just learn reactions based on tone and less on body language. After a beat, Wash says, haltingly, brain trying to find the words:
“Caboose, what… what is it that you had a nightmare about? What—why did you come to me?”
Caboose shrugs, waving his hands back and forth. He’s not looking at him.
“Oh, you know, just about Church and Epsilon, and Tex, and you, and everyone dying and exploding and dying again,” he sighs, shoulders falling, looking distinctly less bothered than Wash expects him to be. It puts something cold-to-cool in the pit of his stomach. “But it’s okay, you’re still here! And nightmares are afraid of you.”
Wash swallows.
“Oh,” he says lamely. It doesn’t feel right, all of a sudden, to just be sitting here. Caboose tilts his head at him.
“Did you have a nightmare, Agent Washington?” he asks, leaning forward a bit. He squints at him. Wash stares back, eyes wide. “You look kinda pale.”
“Um, no,” he says plainly. “No I don’t… normally dream.”
“Oh,” Caboose says. His face drops. “That sounds sad.”
Wash shakes his head.
“It’s fine.”
Caboose hums, tapping his hands on his knees.
“You can tell me if you ever have a nightmare,” he says, smiling, a pleased look crossing his face. “I can come and scare it away.”
Wash snorts, a smile creeping onto his face. He folds his hands together, tracing out the edge of his thumb with his other thumb. He furrows his eyebrows as he looks up at Caboose.
“Are you looking for an excuse to sleep next to someone?” He asks, a curious lilt to his voice. Caboose blinks, eyes falling to his hands. He shrugs.
“No…” he says. Then, “Maybe.”
“Well it…” Wash sighs, shutting his eyes again. “It was nice. Thank you, Caboose.”
“Mhm,” Caboose says sleepily.
There’s a moment of silence. Wash moves to get more comfortable, shifting back to rest his head properly on the pillows. He can feel his body sag as he does, that tired tug pulling on his shoulders and hips and eyes. He drums his fingers against his sternum, watching Caboose. Caboose’s eyes slip shut for a moment as he leans hand against his hand.
“I’m uh…going to try to get some more sleep,” he finally manages, clearing his throat. Caboose stays still, as if he’s fallen asleep again, shoulders weakly rising and falling as he breathes. “Caboose?”
There’s no answer. Caboose leans sideways as Wash goes to reach for him, folding like he’d lost all his core stability. As he crumples, he falls forward, half onto Wash in front of him, half into the bed itself.
“Caboose,” Wash tries again. Caboose doesn’t move, sinking further into his side.
Wash sighs. Caboose stays, solid and heavy and thrown over his chest. He feels like a little kid again, sharing a room with his sisters, or he feels like it’s some time back in training, both cats making their home on his chest. Caboose was kind of like a cat. If a cat were a dog, were late to the punch, were the same level as unable to catch the joke as he was. It was kind of sweet. Wash shifts him ever so slightly, until he’s leaning into his side again, head against his shoulder.
Caboose yawns, sighing out against his shoulder, shuffling to get comfortable. Wash curls his arm over his back, hand cupping around his shoulder, smoothing his thumb over the seam of his shirt. Caboose makes a little noise, a little sigh, and falls quiet. The world, too, is warm and quiet. Somewhere in that warmth, a soothing feeling washes over him.
Just a little more sleep, he thinks. Then he’ll get up.
#red vs blue#rvb#rvb caboose#agent washington#michael j caboose#rvb wash#rvb washington#rvb fic#fics#text#so for context this takes place in season 9? end of season 8 into 9#but i'm all the way in the chorus trilogy at this point so >:3 wheheeh#BITING TUMBLR VERY HARD FOR DELETING MY FIRST DRAFT WITH ACTUAL TAGS < they saved it to the wrong blog#whatever here we go again!! i am still scared this time but myke and shepherd are holding my hands so its fine#tunastime is an rvb fan who would've thought wow#spins around so fast and falls over#i can't wait to be insane about myke's art next yippeee :3
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