#this is one of the most self indulgent things ive done in a while

[cookieroll]

When I get cut up my fav gets cut up, I don’t make the rules.

[angelwings-crossbowstrings]

Chapter 10

Series Masterlist

Warnings: Typical TWD violence and gore, blood, injury, vomiting

A/N: This chapter is admittedly self indulgent. I love Daryl whump and I’ve been kind to him physically for most of the story so far. Not anymore! That being said, I feel like I should have split this into more than one chapter because—to me—the quality suffered because of the length. Anyway, on with the show!

Moodboard by @dannyo000

gif by @daryl-dixon-daydreams

The sun was shining through the open curtains when you awoke. You scowled at the rays but the gentle heat that your skin was absorbing seemed to sooth the irritation. You stretched stagnant muscles, not even venturing to suppress the moan invoked by the action. You let your head fall to the side, finding the opposite margin of the bed empty. Daryl had already left. You shouldn’t be surprised. He was a hunter. Your variety were early risers. Well, you were admittedly a bit of a slacker. 

Your stomach felt moderately uneasy but not unmanageable. Hershel must have given you that injection while you slept. Your IV was disconnected and a glass of water sat on the bedside table, this time closest to you. You picked it up after gliding your legs off the side of the bed, taking slow careful sips. You were just placing it back on the table when there was a soft knock on the door. 

“Come in?” You weren’t sure if it was Hershel or maybe someone else who lived in the home. It felt odd to invite them into a room that didn’t belong to you. 

Carol peeked inside and smiled before opening the door fully to enter, a young blonde girl right on her heels with a glass of something—colorful. “Hi, honey. How are you feeling?” You accepted the woman’s embrace. 

“Better.” You smiled reassuringly when she pulled back to get a look at you. “Who’s this? And what’s that?” Carol looked behind herself on one side and then the other before stepping aside. 

“I’m Beth. My daddy is the one that helped you.” The girl was just that: a girl. She was older than Carl and Sophia but still a kid. “We made you a fruit smoothie. Patricia says it’s good for you and shouldn’t make you sick.”

You offered her a tight smile and accepted the drink, fearful of not only the taste but the consistency of the thing. You’d never done well with solid things being made into liquids. With an uncertain frown, you took a small sip. Your eyebrows shot up in surprise. “Holy shit, that’s good.” When you took another drink, a smiling Carol put a hand on your arm. 

“Go slow.”

You nodded, tilting your head at the pile of clothes in Carol’s arms. “Are those for me?”

“Mhm. Thought you might like to clean up and change.”

“Oh my god, you read my mind.” You took another sip and made a grateful noise that had Beth giggling. “That is really good.”

It was early evening by the time you had showered and decided to venture outside. The nap in between was desperately needed. You were still a little weak from your ordeal. 

It was your first glimpse of the land. Beautiful fields with horses and cows out to pasture, while the blue, cloudless sky blanketed it all. 

Blue like Daryl’s eyes. 

You frowned, shaking your head at yourself. “Where the hell did that come from?” You brushed it off easily and approached the little camp your fellow group mates had set up. It felt odd being around them all without Daryl being somewhere nearby but it wasn’t bad per se.

Lori looked up from the bin of laundry and smiled at you. It was small and you could sense something behind it. Nevertheless, you returned it. It wouldn’t be a horrible thing to get to know everyone better. You made two steps in Lori’s direction before noticing Rick, Shane, T-Dog, and Dale huddled together out of the corner of your eye. 

Normally, you’d think nothing of it, except you happened to catch Dale risking a glance in your direction. His expression pinched, concerned. He was quick to look away but it was too late. 

“What’s going on?” You asked, stuffing your hands in the pockets of your jeans. The way they all looked between one another spoke volumes. There was something they didn’t want to tell you. 

Shane did that thing where he shoved his thumbs through the belt loops of his jeans and looked around at nothing before meeting your eyes. “Nothing for you to worry about, darlin’. We got it under control.”

You couldn’t help but sneer at him. “Don’t call me darlin’ and I can decide if I should worry or not. Rick?” The officers shared a look with Shane shaking his head but Rick seemed to disagree. 

“Daryl took a horse out today to look for Sophia.” 

You shook your head and raised a brow inquisitively. “Okay?” 

“The horse came back. Without him.”

Your stomach dropped before twisting with a feeling of dread. “You’re going out, right?” 

“Well, this is Daryl. We’re gonna give him until nightfall and set out first thing in the morning if he’s not back.” Rick explained. The incredulous expression you donned must have been enough encouragement for him to stammer out further explanation. “We can’t risk going out and not making it back before dark.”

“But it’s okay for Daryl—who could be hurt—to be out there alone all night, right? Are you fucking serious right now?” You were finding it increasingly difficult to keep your anger in check or your voice at a low volume. 

“Listen, missy, you don’t have a lot of right to say much of anything around here! Let me tell you something—” Shane began. You were having none of it. 

“Oh, shove it, Dudley Do-Right!” You hissed. You had spun away and started looking for Daryl’s tent, missing the undoubtedly furious—but comically memorable—expression on Shane’s face. “I’ll go find him myself.”

You heard Rick’s frantic footfalls before he stepped in front of you, palms out. “Wait, wait, wait. We can’t let you go out there.”

“Let me?”

Dale joined Rick, taking off his hat as he spoke. You weren’t sure why he did it other than maybe attempting to show you some form of respect. “Daryl would be less than thrilled if something happened to you.”

“I thought I didn’t have any rights around here?” You crossed your arms, eyes sliding to the side when you heard someone approaching from behind. When they didn’t move where you could see them, you felt your hackles rise. They must have not been informed that you were also a hunter. “If you touch me, you risk losing a body part.” You spat over your shoulder, venom dripping from every syllable. “And I promise you, it’ll be something you’ll definitely miss.” Shane gave you a wide berth as he circled within your sight, hands up as if he were being detained. 

“Look, Y/N, we know that’s Daryl’s baby.” Rick dropped his hands to his sides, bringing one back up immediately to rub at his forehead. 

“And how do you know that?” You knew it was a stupid question. The archer hadn’t left your side the entire time you were unconscious. After you awoke, he was at your beck and call: bringing you food, making sure you drank enough, watching over you as you rested. 

“You were unconscious. You didn’t see him when he brought you here.” Rick was trying so hard to be nice and you knew he meant it. He was a genuine person. 

“He was off the rails! Rantin’ and ravin’ like a lunatic!”

“Shane, you’re not helping.” Rick had tilted his head, directing his statement at his partner but keeping his eyes on the ground at your feet. When he spoke again, his gaze found yours, full of kindness and concern. “We just can’t take any risks.”

Regardless, you would not be deterred. “I’m not asking you to. In fact, I’m not asking at all.” They allowed you to sidestep around them, not following you but you could hear them muttering loudly amongst themselves. 

Finding Daryl’s tent was a piece of cake. You used what you knew of him to conclude that he would be the furthest from the rest. Once inside, you found your pack and knives sitting to one side, surprisingly in a neat pile. In fact, the entire space was orderly enough for you to scratch your head and second guess if you had indeed entered the right tent. 

His bedroll had not been used, the cot not set up. That made sense. He had spent the nights in the house with you while you recovered. You could still feel the warmth his body gave off even with several inches between you. Damn him for going off alone. 

He did have some goodies in his area that you were happy to borrow. Some dried jerky, a length of rope, some extra clothes (for him, just in case), a meager amount of medical supplies (also, just in case), and a flashlight. You’d give it all back. Maybe. 

Knives holstered and bag on your back, you bent down to exit the tent, standing to come face to face with Carol and Lori. Throwing back your head, you groaned. “Not you guys, too.”

“Daryl made it pretty clear that the baby is his.” Lori spoke first. “We’re gonna worry.”

“You’re new, but we’re all in this together. Daryl, too. He’s out there looking for my girl, after all.” Carol held out two canteens of water. “Maggie and Glenn aren’t back yet. That shot Hershel gave you isn’t gonna last much longer. You need to stay hydrated.”

Before you could react, Lori handed you two apples and a can of kidney beans. “You need to eat too. Fruit and protein are good for the baby and for nausea.”

“Thank you.” You turned to allow Carol to place the items in your bag, getting caught in a hug on your way back around. “I’ll be careful, I promise.”

Carol nodded while Lori took your hand and squeezed. “We’ll handle the men. Go on. Daryl left out that way.” You turned your attention to the direction she pointed and gave a nod, jogging off before anyone could intercept you. 

Situations like this were when being a hunter and tracker was beyond beneficial; it could be potentially life saving. Finding the horse’s trail was easy. The shape of the hooves indicated whether the mare was coming or going, as well as the depth, indicating whether or not Daryl was in the saddle. 

He had gone some distance, that was certain. Being on horseback allowed him to cover more ground but he gave up the advantage of being close to the paths. It had to be harder to see any trails from horseback. Then again, he was a marksman with his crossbow. He was eagle-eyed for sure. 

You had been tracking him for at least an hour, the sun getting lower and lower. Rick and Shane had been right about one thing: Daryl would raze that farm to the ground if he came back to learn you had gone out alone. Still, you had to think he’d find it at least a little funny that no one volunteered to go with you. Big strong manly men letting the petite sickly pregnant woman go in the woods all by her lonesome. You snorted at your own thoughts. 

You paused to check the sun’s position in the sky, estimating you had about an hour of daylight left. Even if you abandoned the search and went back at that moment, it would still be dark when you made it. You weren’t hungry, which you considered might be a bad thing, but you were thirsty. Pulling the bag from your shoulders, you crouched to dig through the contents for one of the canteens. It was easily found toward the top. 

“Small sips, small sips.” You reminded yourself. You didn’t yet feel nauseated but tempting fate was not an activity you regularly enjoyed. You did enough of that in the woods with Daryl and now had a baby in your belly for your efforts. You were screwing the lid back onto the canteen while simultaneously scanning the tracks you had been following, when you noticed a drastic change. “The horse startled.” You whispered urgently. You were quick to set aside your bag, moving low to the ground to inspect each print. “She reared. Fuck.” The next set of hoof prints were not as deep. “She threw him.”

You stood quickly, ignoring the very slight bout of light-headedness. “Daryl!” You whisper-yelled as loud as you dared. Efficient as you were, you could only handle so many walkers alone. Again, best not to tempt fate. “Daryl!” When you had made a 180, you saw a drop-off. You felt the nausea then, but it had nothing to do with your condition. You placed a palm against a tree, just in case you were to feel any sudden dizziness. You’d rather not topple over and go tumbling down the rocks into the bloody—water. “Oh fuck.”

The red was billowing out into green and yellow clouds in the water, showing it had been there long enough to dilute a substantial amount. “No, no, no. Daryl!” You moved hastily down the edge, following the water hopefully toward land. You had called louder only to be met with silence. Maybe he was out and gone. Back at camp and ready to have your head on a platter for going after him. Maybe he was nearby and would appear momentarily and call you an idiot for being so loud. 

Neither of those proved to be the case. 

When you spotted the gravelly riverside, you easily found the hunter. The sound you made was somewhere between a sob and a whimper. He was only halfway out of the water, his legs submerged up to his waist. The blood in the water was still a dark red, indicating active bleeding. There was something protruding from his left side that looked suspiciously like one of his bolts. Your first thought was that someone had taken his crossbow and shot him with his own weapon. However, it was lying just above his head, his hand loosely wrapped around it. 

You were past the point of thinking rationally. He could be a grade A asshole but he was your baby’s father. That was enough reason to try your best to get him out of the fucked up predicament he had somehow gotten himself into. 

It wouldn’t stop you from cursing his name the entire time though. 

“How the hell am I supposed to get down there?” You paced the ledge, pulling at your hair. The slope was steep and littered with rocks, limbs, and roots. You couldn’t risk falling. You wouldn’t. 

But there was so much blood. 

“Think, Y/N!” You crouched down, tapping your fingers against the dirt while willing Daryl to move. To yell. Anything. “When I get you out of this mess, Daryl, I’m going to string you up by—” Your eyes flew wide, a gasp leaving your parted lips. Scrambling back to your bag, you dug through it haphazardly until your fingers wrapped around the rope you’d swiped from his tent. “Yes!”

It probably wasn’t long enough to get you all the way to the bottom but it would do to get you low enough for a fall not to injure you. You’d have to be creative, regardless. You couldn’t rappel down; the length was definitely not enough for that. You also couldn’t tie it to a tree on the ledge either. It would take too much rope. You needed to move down the slope a bit and use one of the tree roots. 

Which meant taking a risk. 

“I swear if you die, I’m killing you.” You muttered, while shrugging your bag onto your back. Your ass met the dirt somewhat roughly in your haste to get moving. The body could only lose so much blood before—Anyway, you had to go. You moved down carefully, keeping your backside firmly on the ground whilst you prodded rocks and limbs to ensure they would hold your weight. There was a sturdy, sizable root just a few more feet. If it was embedded deep enough, you could use it to get you down safely as well as get you both back up. 

You were nearly there when your foot slipped from the edge of a rock. It was easy to right yourself, given how carefully you were moving but it didn’t stop your heart from leaping into your nose. Looking down, you realized you had grabbed your stomach instinctively. With a calming breath, you gave your tummy a pat. “We got this, little thumper.”

The root was easy to get the rope around, secured with a bowline knot. You then loosely secured the end around your waist, high enough not to snap taut around your belly if you were to fall. It’d probably break your back, honestly, but eh, you were optimistic. 

You let the slack fall and grabbed on a couple of feet below the knot. “Here goes nothin’.” You started down at a faster pace than before. You couldn’t slide on your ass the whole way, that would take forever. 

Daryl didn’t have forever. 

You called his name every few seconds, as quietly as you could while being loud enough for him to hopefully hear. You made about three-fourths of the way down when you heard a familiar sound that made your blood freeze. Your head snapped up to some foliage across the riverbank, panicked eyes zeroing in on the walker making a beeline for the same figure you were trying to make your way toward. 

“Hey!” You shouted. You waved an arm frantically but the stench of blood had the corpse’s entire focus. “Goddamnit!” With no alternative, you ripped off your flannel and put it between your hands and the rope. Bracing your weight mostly on the root above, you stood slightly and all but ran down the slope. Each time you misstepped, you threw your weight onto the rope. It would sling you sharply but with nowhere else to go, you could get right back to the descent. 

Unfortunately, the rope eventually ran out. 

Eyes on the walker getting entirely too close to Daryl, you scrambled to untie the line. “Fuck!” The corpse had dropped to its knees and was crawling the last few feet. You yanked your knife from the holster and cut yourself free in a single swipe, barreling toward the water. “Get away from him!”

It finally noticed you, looking your way while Daryl’s arm was in its rotten clutches. Your knife sank into its skull with ease. As much as the smell made you gag, you grabbed the thing as it toppled and pulled. You couldn’t let it fall into the water. Not with Daryl having an open wound. 

Panting through tears, you freed your knife and crawled toward the archer. If you had been one second later, he’d have been bitten. The way that thought devastated you down to your very soul frightened you. You checked his arm first, just to be sure. No bites. No scratches. There was no time to revel in that relief. You stopped to brush your fingertips over a cut above his right temple. From the fall, you surmised. 

The most concerning injury was that it was indeed his bolt impaling his side and it seemed to have gone all the way through. “Damnit, Daryl, what happened?” You felt lost, hands hovering while your chest began to tighten with the all too familiar heaviness of impending panic. “No, you can’t freak out. You cannot freak out.”

First thing was first. You had to get him out of the water. He would be lucky if bacteria hadn’t already seeped into his wound. You could only pray that Hershel had antibiotics in his possession. 

You shed your rucksack close to a nearby tree. The area would give you a view of the entirety of your surroundings. With Daryl injured, you would need to remain vigilant. You were responsible for the safety of three now. 

Moving him would be difficult. It would be pulling dead weight, and was most definitely over the weight limit a pregnant person should be messing with. But you didn’t have a choice. 

“Okay, little thumper. You just be strong in there while I get your dumbass father out of this mess.”

It was a struggle to get him angled on his right side. You couldn’t drag him flat and risk disturbing the bolt lodged in his skin. Hands tightly gripping his forearms, you began to pull, your boots sliding in the gravel. It was going to be quite the journey but you were moving him little by little. 

With a strained grunt, you paused and leaned forward to put your hands on your knees to catch your breath. Just as you leaned forward to grab hold of him again, a cold slimy hand grabbed onto your bicep, yanking you back. How had you not heard the walker approaching? Wasn’t pregnancy supposed to heighten your senses?

“Fuck!” You grappled with the corpse of a man, finding it tough to keep his clicking teeth away from your arm. He was pushing you back easily but you couldn’t let go to get to your knife. One wrong move would result in a chunk being ripped from your arm. Your muscles were tiring, being pushed to their limit. To make matters worse, you could see another walker shambling its way toward the scrap. There was no hope of fending off two of them. 

You cried out in frustration and lifted your foot to connect the toe of your boot roughly with the corpse’s knee, causing it to stumble. You had one shot. With your forearm pressing into its throat, you were able to grab your knife and sink the blade into the soft skull with a sickening squelch. There was no time to catch your breath as the second one slammed into your side and took off your feet. 

Your legs were pinned under its body, forcing you to battling at an awkward angle to stave off its attempts to rip into your thighs. Your knife was within reach, but grabbing it meant one side would be vulnerable. 

“Goddamnit! Get off me, you decaying bastard!” 

The walker shifted and gave you the opportunity to bend your right knee and place the sole of your boot against its abdomen. A solid kick forced it back. You were free to scramble backward and grab your knife, but when you lifted it to strike, you spotted another walker crawling toward you, its empty eyes giving you a glimpse of your fate. Ripped open, half eaten only to rise again; mindless and starving for a taste of flesh. 

This was it. You’d done all you could. You’d fight them to the death but they had you. It was only a matter of time before—

A bolt pierced the second walker, entering through its temple. It landed in the dirt with a dusty thud. You knew exactly what had happened and once the last walker was dead, you would survey the damage. You flung yourself forward and drove your knife through its right eye. It fell still, its weight heavy on your lap. 

“Goddamnit, Daryl!” You exclaimed. 

The hunter was on his knees at the water’s edge, swaying dangerously. The left side of his body was now void of the bolt, rivulets of blood dripping from his saturated shirt. His crossbow fell from his grip as he pitched forward to land on all fours. 

“Shit.” You wiggled free from beneath the walker, sheathing your knife before dropping to your knees beside Daryl. You laid a gentle hand on the middle of his back. “Hey, let’s get you over there so I can take a look at you.”

“Who—came with—you?” He asked breathlessly, his head remaining bowed as if he just didn’t have the strength to lift it. Hell, he probably didn’t. 

You knew he wouldn’t like the answer. You hated to upset him but you wouldn’t lie. “I came alone.” He visibly tensed, fingers digging into the dirt and rock below him. 

“Why—the fuck—would ya do that?”

“Because the horse came back without you. Because our baby needs their father.” You reached for his bicep and pulled him up onto his knees so that you were able to put his arm across your shoulders. “Because I was worried about you.” 

He gave you a look from the corner of his eye, his head still hanging. “S’a shit reason—to risk the—two’a ya.”

“Did you miss the other two reasons?” You shot back, getting your legs under you so you could lift him without pulling your back or stomach. “Selective hearing, I swear. On three: one. Two. Three!” You managed to get you both upright, but Daryl was quick to curl forward with a sound much too close to a whimper for your liking. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

“S’fine. Just—” He trailed off with a languid wave of his hand. You took that to mean he was ready to move and began the short walk to the tree. It didn’t take long but he was somehow even more pale and sweating by the time you helped lower him to recline against the trunk. “Found—found her doll.”

“What?” You weren’t really listening. With his shirt pulled up, you could get a good look at the wound. It was still bleeding sluggishly, but still far too much for your liking. “Did you really pull out that bolt?” You asked while leaning around him to see the back as best you could. 

“Y’ain’t—ain’t listenin’.” The hunter gave you a weak shove, barely moving you at all. “Found—Sophia’s doll.”

“She was here.” Looking around, you saw nothing and you would not leave him to go track. “Where’s the doll?” Daryl jutted his chin toward a downed tree that was close to the shallow water. Even going that meager distance from him felt like you were leaving him unprotected. However, you knew he would hound you until you obliged his request. 

You jogged over, your muscles tired and stomach beginning to feel ill at ease. Sure enough, there laid the doll. You snatched it up and returned to him, taking a moment to place the toy in your bag and pull out supplies. 

“How did this happen?”

“Fell—fell on it.”

“Graceful.” You smirked, ignoring the weak middle finger lifted toward you. “Let’s get this bleeding under control and get back to the farm.” You raised his shirt again but this time he seemed to take notice and went rigid. 

“It’ll keep, just leave it.”

Your mouth gaped. “You can’t be serious.” You admonished him. “I’m not sure you noticed but there is a literal hole in your side. We can’t go back without some sort of treatment first.” His usually bright blue eyes were cloudy when he looked at you. “It’s nearly dark. Stop arguing with me and let’s get this done.”

“Ain’t enough—time to—get back tonight.”

“We can’t stay here, Daryl. We’re sitting ducks.” You started grabbing other things you needed even as he tried to talk you out of it: food, water. 

“I can. Go on—back. Come back—back tomorrow—with help.” He winced when he pressed a palm against the wound so he could shift to a more comfortable position. 

“I’m not leaving you.”

“Y/N, s’not—”

“I said no, Daryl.” You reached for his shirt again and he didn’t stop you but there was a panicked undertone in his eyes. “Just far enough for me to see the wound, okay?” A visible relief; his shoulders dropped and he let his head fall back against the tree. 

The bleeding had slowed, showing signs that it was beginning to clot. That was great news but it didn’t replace all he had already lost. The wound needed a proper cleaning and stitches, both of which you were not well equipped. You could handle it if you had the supplies. You’d sewn yourself up plenty of times. 

With a sigh, you got up to fetch your flannel from where you’d left it near the rope. You were already tearing it into strips before you returned to Daryl’s side. You tried to be as quick as possible; taping down gauze, folding pieces of your flannel to press over those. Lacking enough to make a compression bandage, you tied pieces of material together. 

“Almost done.” You had to lean into his space to pull the makeshift bandage around his back. His tired eyes flitted back and forth between yours while you found yourself glancing at his lips. You cleared your throat and sat back on your heels. “This is gonna hurt but just try to be as quiet as you can.”

Daryl watched you for a moment and then nodded. He visibly tensed and closed his eyes a mere moment before you pulled the material tight around the wound. To his credit, he merely grunted but the hard lines of pain on his face told a different story. 

“There. That’s the best I can do right now.” You were beyond concerned. The thought of spending the night there with the archer being so grievously wounded was intimidating. You knew there was no other choice. One of the canteens was on the ground beside you where you had placed it when grabbing out supplies. If he was going to stand any chance of surviving, Daryl had to cooperate. This should be fun. “I need you to drink some water. You’ve lost a lot of blood. We have to keep you hydrated until we can get out of here.”

“Nah.” Much to your chagrin, he turned his head. “Ya need—it more—than I do.” He was beginning to look dazed, fighting off the overwhelming urge to allow his body to rest. 

“Stop being a brat and drink the water.” You pressed the canteen to his lips, dropping your mask to wear your concern like a second skin. “Please. I promise I have enough for me too.”

You thought he might argue or once again refuse, but he finally parted his lips with a sigh. You tilted the canteen, flinching when his much too cold hand covered yours to help control how much he was getting. 

“I need to build a fire. Keep it small.” You weren’t really talking to him but he hummed in response anyway. He was cold and clammy. You’d bet money that would be worthless in that world that if you checked his pulse, it would be racing. “I think you’re going into shock. I need to get you warm.”

“M’fine.” His voice was quiet, too drained to offer up a convincing tone. 

You went about gathering what you could find that could hold the highest possibility of burning. “You know what, keep telling yourself that. Maybe your stubbornness will pay off.” Placing some rocks down so you could control the flames, you placed your tinder bundle in the center along with some sticks and wood chips for kindling. You had to do this the old fashioned way. Daryl was watching you with slow blinks as you went about your method. 

You thanked whatever deity that was listening for your experience in the wilderness. You were nurtured by the woods growing up. The trees were like family, offering shade, protection, and a means of warmth or preparing your meals. You had learned the ways to survive. Granted, back then, walking corpses that wanted to eat your intestines weren’t a thing. Scared as you were, you knew you could make it. You could make it. But now, you had to keep Daryl alive as well. 

“Finally.” You sat back with a smug grin, watching the fire burn. You just hoped it would be enough. “Come on, let’s get you settled closer to the fire. Then I’ll heat the beans I have. Daryl swatted at your hands. 

“M’fine here.”

You huffed through your nose. “No, you’re not. Your skin is freezing. I don’t have any blankets. We need to keep you warm.”

“Fine.” He began to lever his way to his feet, growling with annoyance once you swooped in to help him. “Can do it—can do it myself.”

“Shut up and let me help.” You didn’t let go and he didn’t try to force you. He was panting by the time you lowered him down to lie on this back. He couldn’t be comfortable. “Um, one second.” There wasn’t a lot left of your flannel but you could make it work. Folding it to the best of your ability, you gently lifted his head and placed the article  beneath it. As an afterthought, you pulled the clean shirt you had grabbed for him and draped it over his upper half. It would have to do for the time being. “Okay, just rest and I’ll wake you for some food and water in a bit.”

Hours passed agonizingly slowly. You had tried to get Daryl to eat but he had refused. At least he drank the water. You yourself had eaten a third of the can of beans. Everything seemed to be going alright until you found yourself regurgitating into the bushes. Your stomach was turning inside out, now rejecting even the water. 

Carol had warned you this would happen but you couldn’t wait. You didn’t regret it either. Daryl would have surely died had you not gone in search of him. 

Wiping your mouth on the back of your hand, you staggered back toward the fire. You were steps away when you realized that Daryl was—talking. And not just talking, but conversing. There’s no one there. 

It felt wrong in some ways to move closer; to be able to hear him. It was as if a person was sitting right next to him. Daryl’s eyes were open; mere slits but open. 

“Screw you.”

“A girl. They—lost a little—girl.”

“Shut up.”

“Tried like hell—to find ya, bro.”

Bro? Daryl had a brother. It was unknown if he was alive or dead. You only knew from Carol. Daryl never let you that close. He was hallucinating which was bad. Very bad. You took a step forward, ignoring your stomach’s protests for the time being. Should you wake him? 

“We went—back for ya. Rick an’ I, we—did right by ya.”

“I ain’t nobody’s bitch.”

“Don’t talk—’bout her like that. Y/N—she’s—diff’rent.”

Wide eyes blinked. He was talking about you. Granted, it was during a moment of psychological weakness but still. It felt even more wrong to allow it to continue. 

“I ain’t gonna be—like our daddy. My kid—ain’t gonna be like us. Like you or me.”

Your heart ached for him. You knew nothing about Daryl’s childhood but now you knew it wasn’t pleasant. Shaking your head, you kneeled next to his arm and placed a hand against his cheek. No fever. This had to be coming from the head injury. “Daryl.” He seemed to be looking right through you. Still, he lifted a hand and let the back of his knuckles brush along your jaw. 

“See, Merle? Told ya—she was diff’rent.” His hand fell away, blue eyes disappearing behind heavy lids. 

“Daryl?” You said urgently, fingers searching along his neck for a pulse. It was there, albeit a little fast but there. You felt weak and allowed yourself to fall back onto your ass, scooting until your back was against the tree. 

From what Carol had told you, Daryl’s brother was vile. He was toxic and the younger Dixon had changed slightly without his influence. She had said Daryl was brash and intimidating, preferred to be alone. Hated to be touched. Yet he had sought out your company twice a week like clockwork. He had talked to you, brief and unimportant statements and questions, but he had talked. He had let you touch him. Intimately. 

“She’s—diff’rent.”

It was dangerous to let your mind wander down the paths it had created from his simple words to a brother who wasn’t there. But let it wander, you did. Maybe Daryl didn’t just care about the baby. Maybe he was impertinent toward you because you had gotten too close. Maybe you had managed to penetrate the walls he had built to protect himself. 

Maybe—just maybe—you had allowed him to pass through your own defenses. 

And that was more terrifying to you than any walking corpse in a dystopian world. 

[pinkaditty]

Perv!Asmodeus Thoughts (Obey Me: SWD)

hihiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii this was totally 100% self indulgent it's just me thinking about Asmodeus if he was just a little more unhinged

summary: you're so innocent. he's quite the opposite.

a/n: can't really 100% say that this was inspired by anything ive just been thinking about Asmodeus and wanted to give him a little appreciation. admittedly perverted characters just... do it for me. my guilty pleasure lol <3 anyways anyways!!! answering more asks by the weekend or tmrw it depends on how much free time I have!!!! and am almost done with pervert pt 3!!!!! woo!!

cw: perverted behavior, creepy behavior, no penetration/sex but sexual acts mentioned, masturbation, non-con (no r*pe or anything just really weird scenarios in which one party is oblivious), cum eating, and other weird things that i don't really know how to tag, not proofread.

MINORS DNI AS PER USUAL!!!! PLEASE RESPECT MY BOUNDARY!

You're so innocent. And god, it drives him crazy. Your eyes make the most perfect alluring expressions, your lips curve into the most perfect smiles, and your body shaped so wonderfully… he can't help it if he feels a little wanting.

At first, he attempts to stifle it… keep it under wraps as much as he can. Sure, his eyes wander, but as soon as he starts imagining what you may look like under those clothes, he quickly tears his eyes away and censors his thoughts as much as he possibly can. Unusual for the Avatar of Lust, but he knows once he starts, he will not stop.

Saliva collects in his mouth so much he has to gulp it down as he watches you eat, teeth tearing and tongue licking and lips slurping. It makes him wonder, would you treat his flesh the same? Biting, licking, and slurping, leaving marks in your wake, swallowing down whatever juices spring forth from him before he is wrung dry? He often finds himself palming himself at the dinner table, completely enamored by your idle consumption of food, leaving his plate to grow cold from neglect. Even watching you walk is pure torture. He watches as the fabric hugs and rubs against your thighs, your ass, your torso, and your waist especially… He imagines how easy it would be to tear it apart, to simply lose control and throw the useless fabrics to the side, caring much more about the skin underneath. Sitting behind you in class proves to be a challenge, much more so when you're wearing that perfume he recommended. He bites his thumbnail until it bleeds, gripping his uniform pants, trying his hardest to resist the alluring scent of your perfume. The perfume is fine on its own, but mixed with your natural scent, it tears him apart.

As far as you are concerned, Asmodeus is a close friend, one you can come to in any scenario. He's proven himself worthy of your trust in your eyes, so you find it fit to spend time with him. Little do you know that while you suspect Mammon is going through your trash to sell things, it's actually Asmodeus, stealing this morning’s finished coffee to lick off the remnants of your saliva on the rim of the cup. While you suspect Belphegor of stealing your pillows, it's actually Asmodeus, humping into them at night, creaming to the thought of you sleeping on the same pillows he's used for personal pleasures. While you suspect Satan of nicking away your magazines, it's actually Asmodeus, taking note of which pages you licked your fingers to turn, carefully licking those edges. While you suspect Beelzebub of stealing some of your open snacks, it's actually Asmodeus, jerking off pointed directly at them, leaving his essence there for you to enjoy but be oblivious to. While you suspect Lucifer of taking your pens on occasion, it's actually Asmodeus, writing on his body how much he craves you, and then using that pen to pleasure himself, leaving his scent all over it. While you suspect Leviathan of stealing your underwear, it's actually Asmodeus, burying his face in them at night, wearing them, jerking off inside of them, all until he sees fit to return them to the wash. He just can't stop. He especially loves it when you visit his room with your guard down, having no idea how much of him you've consumed, touched, and felt just from doing your daily activities.

He's on cloud nine with how deeply you trust him, enough to feed you various snacks during your weekly spa session. He watches as you lick the icing off a pastry, oblivious to how most of it is his cum, simply enjoying the sweet-salty contrast. He is impressed with how much you'll let his hands wander as he gets a general feel of your body while you're in a robe. He's choosing the cutest outfit he can think of, but first, he needs to get a feel for your body to know what looks good on you, which is a total lie. He's letting his fingers drift awful close to your chest, dragging his fingers as they gently graze over your waistband, and pausing for an unusually long time when his fingers reach your ass. He's hard as a rock, but who can tell?

When you leave, having used his body products - to the point where you smell like him - and having consumed various amounts of his bodily fluids, he dreams of you laying on a pillow that he used to masturbate, eating snacks that he's creamed all over, using pens to doodle that are covered in his essence, reading magazines that he's licked every corner of, and having no idea about it at all.

You're just so innocent. And god, it drives him crazy.

a/n: this is short but regardless I enjoyed writing it. if I have any more insane thoughts about perverted characters ill post more.

reminder that i love likes, comments, reblogs, and asks!! tell me how much you liked it or ask for more! I'd love to hear your thoughts! <3

[luthnethril]

2024 Fic Round-Up / AO3 Wrapped

tagged by @queerofthedagger, thank you!! <3 i'll be doing your combined tag game too

Works Published: (30 total)

Total Words Published at end of year: 174k

Fandoms: Tolkien (mainly Silm) and DMBJ

Top 3 Ships:

Wu Xie/Zhang Qiling (pingxie) [7]

Maedhros/Maglor [3]

Fingon/Maedhros [3]

Top 5 Tags:

Ambiguous/Open Ending [14]

AU - Canon Divergence [14]

Time Travel [10]

Established Relationship [4]

Hurt/Comfort [4]

Top 3 Fics by Wordcount:

the gold and the rust (51k; daemags - Third Age)

plant my feet, loosen my hold (20k; Maglor - Fourth Age)

into the fire (15k; time travel, Maedhros - Years of the Trees)

Top 3 Fics by Kudos:

into the fire

no choice but to love you (3k; pingxie - Mob AU)

back from the edge (1k; time travel, Fingon - Amon Ereb)

Highest Everything (raw kudos, hits, comments): apparently it's into the fire at 1.5k Hits, 138 Kudos and 62 Comments

New Things I Tried: uh, some exploration of generally darker themes (at least compared to what my reading/writing experience in the tolkien fandom was last time a few years ago), writing new ships i was not into previously. Also writing/reading about a wider range of canon characters im not as obsessed about and making making more in-depth linguistic hcs/lore.

Fic I Spent the Most Time On: instinctively i would have said the daemags 51k one bc of the sheer amount of time i spent daydreaming about it, but i think it's actually the darkness got a hold on me (Maedhros/Maglor/Daeron; 7k) bc i wrote a terrible first draft, finished my second draft distracted while on a voice call and then re-wrote the entire thing for the final draft that i must have double-checked for typos at least like. 5 times before i posted it bc i wanted to make sure the plot and emotions made sense.

Fic I Spent the Least Time On: that should be back from the edge, i think i wrote that like. half an hour before i posted it with barely any read-back for typos and stuff.

Favourite Thing I Wrote: that is definitely the gold and the rust, which is an extremely self-indulgent monster of a fic and i really like how the prose i experimented with came out. but i have to say that tale of tinúviel is a close second because i did not expect to have so much fun with that one.

Favourite Thing(s) I Read: um, oh god. so much stuff. i think ive read entire tags since getting back into the fandom, it's a truly insane amount of fics that i could not possibly list everything here, but im going to make an indicative list with my top 5 that i've re-read the most throughout this year.

Concerning Lace by @clothonono; such a fun exploration of the family dynamics between the finwians during the Years of the Trees. i love all the cousins and siblings trying to get along

Mockingbird by @littlewhitemouseagain; really fun fic and really fun maedhros and maglor dynamic. i love maglor in this one

i've been so worried (you've been so still) by @welcomingdisaster; maglor in one of my favourite eras of him! i've grown so unreasonably fond of Ellind

The Sun Must Go on Rising by @tilion-writes; aroace maedhros has my entire heart and his friendship with fingon in the context of the (twist of the) myth here is. so good

lungs full or roses, heart full of thorns by anon; i have a soft spot for hanahaki fics and this is a maemags hanahaki fic. i recced to someone before it even finished it

and also a honorary mention of A Thread Unraveled by @theheirofashandfire, because it was on my marked for later list for three years and reading it started the tumble that landed me back in the tolkien fandom. a good time-loop is perhaps my most favourite trope.

Writing Goals for 2025: nothing super coherent; i never start out with planned-out goals because the existence of a goal inevitably leads me to failure. i'd like to get back into writing longfics and perhaps also write the post-canon daemags/maglor's wife that's vibrating around in my head.

i have no idea who has done this already so if you have, um. sorry, feel free to ignore the tag. @aredhels, @vryivs, @thescrapwitch, @polutrope, @welcomingdisaster, @melestasflight, @elvinye, @sallysavestheday

[icyfox17]

so curious what Ermmm I'm hella sleepy rn is about lol

also the psych ones because of course :3

IVE BEEN WAITING FOR SOMEONE TO ASK ME ABOUT THAT ONE HEHEHE

so ermmm im hella sleepy rn has nothing to do with the actual content, i just labeled it that bc well i was sleepy and thus i was gonna write the most self indulgent au ever DSFKDJKF

it's a 911 dsmp crossover!! i don't know how much you know about dsmp dez, but it's basically just minecraft rp aksdfkj and it was my hyperfixation before 911 took over.

the idea of it was a universe swap, it'd be tommyinnit (from a foster au) swapping with buck right after both of them get in a fight with their found family dads (so tommy just got in a fight with foster dad phil and for 911, it'd be set during the lawsuit, so probs right after the dinner scene w bathena)

i never got far, but i do still love the idea a lot and i think it'd just be fun swapping them for a day and having them meet the other dad and learning to properly communicate their feelings on the situation so when they get back they can resolve the argument healthier!!

Buck wakes up somewhere that is most certainly not his bed. He groans, rolling over and feeling harsh asphalt under his palms.  He’s not sure exactly where he is but it looks to be in an alleyway somewhere? He can’t remember how he got there. He remembers going to bed after storming out of Athena and Bobby’s place. He had gone straight to his apartment, there’s no reason he’d be sleeping on the street. He goes to grab his phone out of his pocket but finds that it’s not currently on him. Great. Just what he needed after that horrible night. He stands up, head still feeling foggy from sleep, and goes to the main street to see if he can figure out where the fuck he is. It’s still dark outside but the sky is a twilight blue, so Buck figures it’ll be sunrise soon.  He tries to fight the unease that eats the inside of his gut at the thought that he had somehow gotten out of his apartment while sleeping. He’s heard of people doing crazy things while sleeping, but he’s never been a sleepwalker before and he was pretty sure it isn’t something that just develops overnight. He makes a note however to research the topic as soon as he finds his way home. Whenever that is… When he gets to the nearest intersection, he doesn’t recognise any of the street names. In fact, he doesn’t recognise anything around him. It looks like he’s found himself in the suburbs somehow, but not even that the trees are different. This doesn’t look anything like LA. If he were to guess, it’d be somewhere a lot further up north. But he’s not quite sure where up north. There is definitely no way this was sleepwalking.

and then for psychhh! you can find my notes here and for snippets i think youve seen them all besides this tiny one soooo

"A psychic? Elaine—!" "Just hear me out, Athena. He's solved hundreds of cases. And Karen has personally vetted him. His methods may be... Unorthodox. But he gets the job done.”

athena is going to have a very fun time with shawn heheh

[exonerin]

what part made the upload schedule bad? was it just a lot of pressure or just a lot of writing at once?

Thank you so much for the question!

Oh no. I've done this a few times now, so I knew how much I needed to prepare beforehand. The fic was mostly finished when I began posting. I only needed to wrap up the final chapter and reread each chapter one final time before posting it each day.

My problem was that I didn't like my original chapter 6. And so I decided to overhaul the second half of chapter 6 after posting the second chapter. Then, chapter 7 no longer made sense, so I had to rewrite that one, too.

And to top if off, I suddenly didn't like the end of my original plot outline anymore (if you're wondering why Obi-Wan asks Anakin to go on a walk through the gardens in chapter 8, which is then never referenced again? That's the exact spot where the final plot divergence takes place).

This is also the reason, I needed an extra chapter 8 for this fic.

I didn't take full rewrites into account in my upload schedule. Or DAUNTLESS. I had vaguely pointed out I might skip a week, but I decided against that. Which put a lot of things on my plate. In real life, I've been working overtime, which cut into the writing time!

In Pursuit Of You couldn't wait, though. I wrote it partly to cheer someone up. And this couldn't wait. Moreover, I wasn't going to skip a chapter either after telling there would be daily updates.

I don't typically get the chance to talk about all the takes that don't make the final cuts. So, let me treat you to three times the plot changed drastically:

Chapter 6: Obi-Wan's reaction to Anakin's implicit love declaration. The part where Anakin and Obi-Wan meet with Windu and Yoda didn't exist in the first draft. They went to Ipsol IV immediately, and Obi-Wan kept a careful distance between them. I changed this because it made no sense. Moreover, it would put me in a corner. Any change to Obi-Wan's attitude would be too sudden.

Elder Winib and the Great Halls of Ipsol In the first draft, Obi-Wan and Anakin went to their chamber after the lunch. Elder Winib was a lousy male representative from the commerce guild instead. This introduced too much politics. So, I had to remove the world building, though I did refer to some life saplings etc. There's still a weird thing to this fic where there's just enough worldbuilding for Ipsol IV to make it feel imbalanced. A lot of information that no longer returns because I axed it (Anakin's affinity with droids). Anyway, the results was that I either had to skip the mission or change it. Since I still planned to write the garden scene and Obi-Wan being jealous with more forehead kisses, I couldn't skip it. So, now you get this weird middle ground where I likely would change it in hindsight. However, at the time, I was still determined to get back on track.

The gardens This is the final and most hilarious one. Obi-Wan was going to help Anakin get the representative/Elder Winib off his back by pretending to be spouses. While Anakin is in the gardens, Elder Winib would follow him. Since Anakin still has Obi-Wan's lightsaber, Obi-Wan would notice he was stressed and come to the rescue. And Obi-Wan would kiss him in the maze to fool Elder Winib (this was the originally planned M rated scene). However, as I wrote it, it felt too contrived. There's a limit to how presistent Elder Winib can be before it turns silly. And this fic is self-indulgent, but I still want it to make some sense. It just didn't flow smoothly. Moreover, I needed them to talk. So, Anakin joined Obi-Wan instead to make a love declaration (as Obi-Wan communicates with Anakin in terms Anakin can understand, Anakin has to do the same.) The main point, however, is that they would be in the gardens. And I have received some light complaints about people dying from second-hand embarrassment when Anakin and Obi-Wan get overly familiar in somewhat public spaces. And I wanted to spare the masses, so I put them back in their spaceship.

TL;DR: I really started rambling about unrelated matters, but basically the reason it was tough was due to me spontaneously deciding to rewrite a big chunk of the fic from scratch.

[caffeiiine]

OK HI SODA HI HI HI I HAD IDEAS FOR THE V3 REWRITE THAT I WANT TO SHARE (IDK IF U WANTED TO SEE THE GENIUS IDEA FOR THE REWRITE WITH THE OC BUT ILL SEND THIS AND THEN IF U WANNA SEE JUS TELL ME) ANYWAY !!!

ok i dont acgtually have too much but!! but but but i do have some ideas right

as of rn ive got two survivors (korekiyo, kokichi), a potential mastermind (miu?), chapter 3's first victim (kirumi), chapter 3's second blackened (korekiyo), and chapter 5's victim (rantaro). idk if this is good or not biut like !!!! ebehebh !!!!

miu being the mastermind is something i had for my own rewrite like with my oc but also i really like the idea, we could also have her do something with kiibo at some point like install a virus on him or wtvr that would make him kill someone? because she operates on him in the game anyway so having her do so and then have that fall into place later but like not give him time to say somethingabout it is really fun to me

kirumi i dont really have a reason for her being the first victim other than im a sucker for kirukiyo and i think he'd be pretty distressed that she died (im being very self indulgent here but we can change this if u want to, idk ur opinions on kirukiyo so !!! its up to u), we could also do something where the murders happened at almost the exact same time so he could have saved her if he had just been somewhere instead of trying to kill someone for his sister to have another "friend" in the afterlife

kokichi i want to live because i love him. end of explanation

rantaro i wanted to die at some point but not at the start, in part bc i love him but also because i think itd be really interesting if he was killed in ch 5 instead of kokichi because he has a lot of importance too, right? so i think a killing with him could be just as good, he could have helped the killer because he wanted them to try to find out the mastermind during his trial or something idk. still in speculation but i think it would be cool

as for like, protagonists and stuff, i have zero idea, but !!!!!! i think it would be super mega awesome to have both kaede and shuichi survive but also that is like not possible because kaede's death made shuichi actually be able to be good and smart at things and not feel bad IDK WE CAN FIGURE THIS OUT AT SOME POINT BUT HERES MY IDEAS SORRY THIS IS A LOT OF PARAGRAPHS

starting out i’m gonna be all over the place with this <33

first off: THE KIRUKIYO ISEA IS SO COOL THO honestly i never thought of that ship, and im not a huge shipper myself outside of bsd so im super neutral about most ships <33 so yeah!!!! we can ahve kirukiyo!!!! i like that!!!! :3 <- since you asked about my opinion on it

ALSO ARE YOU IN MY HEAD OR SOMETHING. MIU MASTERMIND!!! MIU MASTERMIND!!! or if not a mastermind, then in the very least a killer. i can’t tell you how many times i’ve ranted to my rl friends about how miu should’ve gotten to kill somebody. like ik in canon she was supposed to be the killer for 4 but that got swapped last minute but SHE SHOULDVE BEEN ALLOWED TO KILL SOMEBDIY and yes yes yes yes yes she should do something with kiibo that’d be very fun

YOURE SO CORRDCT ON RANTARO BTW his character generally suffers from the fact he was killed off way at the beginning, and ugshdh he could have done. so much. if he was left alive a little longer. i’ve said this before but that’s a common issue just in general with the type of game danganronpa is especially with the writers not adjusting the arcs for their allotted time which causes me PAIN. yeah leave him alive for longer for sure. and oooo i like rantaro, i think he could go either way being a killer or victim. especially if at the end of it all no matter how it goes down, hes wrong. whether he kills the wrong person, or if he’s caught in the middle of a planned murder and happens to be collateral damage/the mistaken victim while he’s trying to go after the mastermind and either way their only lead to the mastermind is now just gone

one of the things i do really like about v3 despite all my criticisms against it, is the fake-out protagonist. i’m not saying we have kaede die again or shuichi goes in her place, but i think it’d be cool to include something like that with one of the cast members? maybe kaito? idk im throwing things at the wall rn but basically im trying to figure out a way to have a character haunt the narrative like kaede did

yeah i ahev no clue about protags either yet, we can always just figure that out down the line sometime🎉🎉🎉

also side note but i propose to throw out the real fiction plotline or whatever it was called that v3 went down in the game, thoughts?

also also second unrelated side note: do we have to keep the 3 survivors? not like the literal characters, just the number. like obviously we wont have everyone survive, but idk let’s not confine ourselves to a number yet

for my input regarding cases: in no particular order/killer - ryoma -> victim/survivor ; himiko -> killer/victim [i think it’d be cool to have her as a killer but i’m not sure how she’d even go about it or even why] ; tenko -> victim ; tsumugi -> killer [i think her execution would be super interesting] aaaand i ahve yet to think about the rest

inout regarding survivors: idk i really want angie to survive and i am shooting you with shinounaga found family propaganda

anyways!!! give your opinion!!! sorry this took me forever to type!!!!!

[lovisu]

𐙚˙⋆.˚ Sumi’s Proseka PSD Project!!

This is the most self indulgent thing I’ll probably ever do lmao ^_^ If you’re curious, more details will be below the cut!

What on earth are you talking about??

This is a project i came up with to learn and improve on making psds! ive only ever used other people’s psds, or filters on ibispaint. I want to be able to use my own, mostly cause it’s fun ^_^ To clarify, this is not an event! This is just smth I’m doing for fun bc i can do what i want forever ^_^ I chose prsk for this bc the idea came to me while working on an Ena graphic, and since there’s a bunch of characters, i can experiment with a ton of colors!! It’s also a reasonable amount of characters I can realistically do :)

How will this work?

Basically, im gonna spin a wheel to choose what character I’ll do next, and then another wheel to pick the edit I’ll do (graphic, layout, etc). Once I finish it, I’ll experiment in photopea until i make the colors look good lol Im going to do one edit for each character solo, not groups or anything. Only characters i combined were the kagamine twins bc they're like a package deal to me lmao 😭

Characters Done So Far!

List will be updated with every character I do!

(Character) (Edit Type) - (PSD Name)

#1: Ena Graphic - Chocolate Milk #2: Rin and Len Moodboard - Absolute Strongest Duo!

Next up:

1) Emu

2) Shizuku

[red-dye40]

it’s my fic’s birthday n i just want to take a mome to reflect on this past year of writing my cringe jthm fic because no joke it has been one of the most therapeutic and rewarding things ive ever done for myself so im gonna spill my guts under the cut here in case ur into that sorta thing

no joke i started writing ancillary auxiliary (obvs under a different much dumber name) when i was THIRTEEN. i was perpetually very very scared of and confused by my psychosis—i saw and heard things constantly that no one else did, and no one could explain that to me, which was obviously very isolating and frustrating. jthm made me feel rly normal (like not alone??) and this fic was a way for me to explore and dissect all these things i was processing and experiencing and repressing. i abandoned it like right away because i was a young teen with undiagnosed adhd but im sure it’s still kickin around on deviantart somewhere.

i have struggled w a lot through my years—addiction n subsequent withdrawal, hallucinating nonstop, uhhhh Being Trans In Society, willingly choosing to be an actor bc i am literally insane—and i felt like my brain was only getting sicker, because i never prioritized my health! none of it! but especially not my mental health!

in the isolation of quarantine a couple years ago i had like sooooooo many psychotic episodes, and eventually i admitted myself to a psych ward bc i was so scared and i just wanted to get better finally!

and i did get better! eventually!

it took a lot of hard work, and i was in outpatient for what felt like forever, and i was going to therapy twice a week and trying a bunch of meds and also just experimenting w hormones bc why not. i stopped making art (which truly truly was sometimes the only thing in my life that brought me joy) because the shit i was making was so scary, i just didn’t want to subject myself to that.

eventually i got myself a really amazing job, literally a dream job of mine, and things fell into place, and my job was my whole personality for a while. idk when it happened but sometime last summer i suddenly felt myself really wanting to read jthm again ?? i guess as i was reflecting on all my trauma, and how i used to cope w it as a kid?? but i reread director’s cut and it truly felt like someone unclogged a drain in my head and all this new inspiration and like LOVE for my past self and xir interests just rushed in and it was so exciting!!!!

and i remembered this fic i had started so long ago, and how proud i was of the concept, and i started writing it in my notes app and it got bigger and bigger and i found a little corner on instagram of ppl who liked it (thank u to those of u who are still here rn!!!!! if ur reading this ilysm) and now it’s this! and i love it!

it might just be super self indulgent at the end of the day idk but! i love everything that has come from this fic (and Other Fics i have written 👁️) and i am so grateful to all of u who have read ancaux and enjoyed it and reblogged and left comments like :) thank u so much

there are three (maybe four?) chapters left i literally didn’t anticipate this to go on for so long and i have no idea when it will end but im excited :) and i hope you’ll stick around :) the ending is rly good i think

LOVE U ALL THANKS

[digiverse-reboot]

Digiverse Reboot Status Update - 2/21/2025

hey gamerz!! i thought id make this post to kinda share where im at with episode 4 and the comic as a whole, and my plans for the future!

in summary, episode 4 is still in production, but progress has been very slow lately, mostly due to burnout and other factors in my personal life. there will not be a release window for the episode, because working under self-imposed deadlines has only hurt my motivation and drive to create.

ive got a lot to say here, so the full update is under the cut.

initially, energized hearts was expected to release in late 2023/early 2024, which got delayed to summer 2024,, and is now in a state of "who the FRICK knows." this is partly because, long story short, Crap's Hit The Fan and im trying to claw my way out of burnout while staying on track with school and enjoying my other hobbies. burning out made me realize just how much pressure i put on myself, even outside of DVR.

unfortunately, behind the scenes ive felt like i have to create on a set schedule for a fanbase of an unspecified amount of people that i cant disappoint. it makes my silly self-indulgent webcomic feel like work, and makes me view the creative process in terms of "output" and "content" rather than "drawing in my spare time because its fun." imposing deadlines on myself only hurts me, because every failed deadline feels like ive broken a promise to my fans and failed them. ive had times where i felt guilty for doing other things in my life that arent working on DVR, like playing video games, talking with friends, and getting new hyperfixations. this kind of pressure and the guilt over having an inconsistent schedule kills my motivation, and i nearly cancelled the comic at one point because of it.

digiverse reboot, from the beginning, has always been a passion project i work on in my spare time, with my "fanbase" just being a few of my friends. the only difference between it and my past works is that i actually planned an ending for it and committed myself to finally tell a complete story, instead of starting on a whim and trying to come up with the story as i go along like i usually do.

i dont want DVR to cause me stress anymore, because this comic is so much to me. a tribute to my past as a creator, to that nerdy fangirl scrolling through discord on her ipad and sharing her ideas with the world. a way for me to cope with the anxiety i had at the time of the comics creation about putting myself out there and being uniquely me, and ultimately an important step in pushing past that anxiety. but most importantly, its a tribute to raw, unique, creative passion.

the feeling of expressing yourself and your ideas through your work without the pressure of others weighing you down, whether that pressure comes from cringe culture or social media algorithms. some of you may know it as being cringe yet free, or associate it with a wintry love song from an idol anime, but its a feeling i hold very near and dear to my heart because letting myself be unapologetically me was probably one of the best things i could have done in my life. but thats a ramble for another day.

something else ive noticed too, especially in recent months, is the similarities digiverse reboot shares with its main inspiration. no, not the textboxes or the similar neon-lit worlds or the very obvious references, but in the creative process. its a bit ironic in a sense how this comic is meeting the same fate as its inspiration in terms of the delay between episodes (hopefully we wont have a 7 year hiatus XD), but... that gives me an opportunity.

the delays in the CCC have given that world a chance to flourish beyond what it was intended to be. its characters have had a chance to develop their own stories, their own lives outside of the boxes they were made to fit in. a small arc for the holiday season that was intended to be finished years ago has blossomed into a years-long metanarrative with so many branching paths and stories to tell. its convoluted as frick, but there are still dedicated fans who love it, myself included.

and with digiverse reboot taking longer than i initially intended, i can see potential for its world to flourish as well. exploring the world of the digiverse, shining the spotlight on users other than our main cast, elaborating on concepts i want to bring to light but cant be condensed down into the main story episodes.

i want to see the digiverse blossom like the work that inspired it. i want to express the very creative passion that lies at the very core of this story, to express myself as an ARTIST, not a "content creator." i want to give life to this world ive created. maybe i could start making side stories or something, im not sure yet.

i dont know what the future of this cyberspace holds... but i hope to see you all along for the ride.

stay nice and never stop creating. 💜

-gamer

[sappymix1]

processing for that it's me and you :)

that fic made me so fuckign crazy like the demons that fill it. romantic poet dnf inspired by percy and mary shelley was the mot self indulgent thing i have ever written in my entire life. but the process of writing that one was a bit more complicated than for most stuff i write bc it had to be super organized you know. so i almost never use outlines i can think of all of about five fics ive written for this fandom ever that i had done like substantial outlining for. normally i just like scribble notes about what in want to happen and snippets of text at the bottom of the google doc in brackets lmao but for this one it was very organized with what i wanted to happen and when and how it would fit into the overall like time travel thing.

the cuban missile crisis section where dream is the son of an american congressman and george is the assistant to a british diplomat was inspired by that red white and royal blue book bc the person i was writing it for was really into it. but the thing is i never read that book so i was going more off of vibes than anything else 😭 and for some fucking reason it didnt occur to me until afterwards that well i can read the wikipedia summary of the book but oh well. while the American revolution one was heavily inspired by me having been rewatching sons of liberty at some point while i was working on it lmao.

[razzafrazzle]

going back to my roots by making a dream demon sona. but this time i purposefully made him a narrative foil to bill bc why not <3

[image description: a page of drawings of a gravity falls dream demon oc named hodge podge. hodge podge is a circular dream demon with a gold and aquamarine yin yang-like pattern, with each half having one eye. the gold half has a rectangular eye with a pentagon-shaped pupil, and the aqua half has a circular eye with an apple-shaped pupil. he has dark pink stick limbs and a white and aqua jester hat floating off of his head. he also has gloves, jester shoes, and a glowing aqua magic wand shaped like the hand of eris. also on the page is a comic of hodge podge and bill cipher, where hodge is saying "mad that i can experience childlike wonder?" and bill responding "could you please die." around the comic are notes that say "they have the most obnoxious philosophical debates known to man" and "aroace on aroace violence". the final part of the page is a redraw of the "i'm you from the future" meme, where on the left are older versions of the artist's gravity falls ocs and on the left is the same drawing repeated three times in a row of hodge. end id]

[sheepishs]

dumb question but how do you do those color studies for fictional characters (like the one you did for the dr2 cast)? i can do color/light/shading studies when i have a reference but when i try to make them up from imagination my brain has trouble checking whether the shadows and colors are accurate. any books/videos youd recommend?

there are no dumb questions when it comes to art!! its hard to figure things out on ur own :D

honestly its difficult to describe how i do them because for me its a very self-indulgent "turn my brain off and put colours wherever until it feels right" type of activity. but i will put my general advice under a cut because i talk a lot about drawing

my main advice would be to keep doing what ur doing, studies will always be more useful than anything else. for me i see the most improvement when i just chill out and observe things irl even if im not drawing them. i genuinely just stare at things and think about their colours, no need to do anything more than observe.

im the worlds #1 art tutorial hater so i don't have any cool youtube recommendations or anything but The Practice and Science Of Drawing by Harold Speed is public domain and is very good for just bringing ur brain back to the fundamentals of how drawing works if you haven't read it before.

in practical advice, my drawings improved hugely once i started paying attention to values. its easy to check this when doing digital art by having a layer thats just a flat midtone grey with the layer style set to saturation. i constantly turn that layer on/off whenever im drawing to make sure im happy with the amount of contrast between dark and light, and also to see whether im happy with the shapes of the highlights and shadows in my drawings.

to me making sure the values are correct is much more important than anything else. its always possible to go in and change the hue or saturation of a colour to make the drawing more cohesive, but much more difficult to correct the values if you've placed a bunch of colours in the same mid value range.

while im doing studies or just drawing in general i also save swatches of colours that ive used that i think look good (not sure if this is a feature on all drawing applications but i think it is in most major ones like photoshop, procreate). you can probably see similarities in colours that i use throughout the things ive posted because if i feel like i don't know where to start, i often start by placing colours that ive used before and then modifying them to whatever i want. its also fine to look at real things when you're drawing fictional characters, i'll often just take breaks to look at a bunch of photos or videos or even just go outside to refresh my brain on how things look.

last and most important thing ever is that sometimes ur colours will just look like shit. i have made so many bad drawings in my life with muddy colours and poorly done lighting but i just keep going until i make something that i like 💪 i think for me the most important thing ive ever done is just let go of the expectation for my drawings to be good. sometimes they are just complete garbage but to me thats an indicator that im doing something outside of my current skill level, which is exactly what leads to improvement. so i wouldn't worry if it feels like your brain is having trouble working through certain things at the moment, it just means your practical skills are in the process of catching up to your observational skills

[yostresswritinggirl]

@butterfly-mochi​ Rewrote this freaking thing thrice because it keeps getting deleted wth tumblr agjvahkfajkvk- I enjoyed writing it a lot tho and since I’m too weak to the characters I ended up writing for all of them (except for Sucrose, im sorry bb huhu, I ran out of brain power). This is my first time writing for so many of them in one go so please excuse me for any mistakes or blandness ywy thank you for letting me write for my baby Ganyu too hhhhh

Universe Reversal 2

Genshin Impact Character Reader and Modern Players with Zhongli, Childe & Ganyu (how they simp for you) (event masterlist / Part 1 / Part 3)

Zhongli the F2P

The most relatable out of the bunch because this man is still broke and can only rely on the primogems he can farm. And he had a LOT. The one thing he doesn’t have a lot on, however, is his luck.

So how did he manage to pull you?: Well after exhausting all his primogem on your banner with nothing but weapons and other characters, he has lost his resolve. But by some weird luck, there was a character bug that was fixed and in his email was the almighty consolation primogem. Enough for ONE pull. And by the Gods he FINALLY got you.

He’d nonchalantly post his screenshot of pulling you using a single acquaint fate in his friend group without any words and everyone else just loses their shit. “You got them in one pull?!” “Yeah” A riot.

This was partnered with the fact that not only is Zhongli an F2P player, but also barely has any five star characters.

He looks calm and apathetic over the news, but behind the screen he’s exhausted and relieved, silently livid.

He has no primogems left to squeeze for a constellation so you’re instead pampered with the best weapon suitable for you (because that’s all he keeps getting).

Zhongles spends most of his time farming for materials to quickly level you up, unlocking all your stories and voiceline, but he fucked up on your build (his artifacts are messy).

He follows communities, forums and videos regarding your character to know all the things he needs to perfect your build. You can barely make a dent against normal mobs, so he knew he was doing something VERY wrong.

Is the type of person to keep refreshing the page for new content, very updated.

Ask him a question about your character and he’s gonna bring you the word vomit that is his research. He’s not gonna stop- probably accidentally developed a copypasta for you.

Also follows your VA in both Tiktok and Twitter to indulge in every bit of content. He also has that screenshot of his pull saved and locked.

On his birthday, a friend of his gifted him a chibi plushie of you and he has treasured it ever since, treating and handling it like its a figurine.

“It is merely pure luck and grace from the gacha gods that I got this character, and I will make sure that they know I am very grateful for this fortune.”

Favorite Voiceline: Birthday Message

Childe The Whaler

This lucky wealthy bastard with no remorse for his money whales for EVERY character. He’s making a collection, which is to get all the characters, especially the five stars. So when your banner finally popped up, he’s gonna square up and trigger a whole ass meteor shower.

How he pulled you: Money. His luck with this games are actually not the best so he always compensates with money, he got you halfway through the first failed pity, almost giving him a heart attack that he might actually break the bank just to get you.

And then he pulls more to raise your constellation lol.

The first thing he does is look over your character info and read through it all; constellation infos, your base stats, artifact compatibility.

At the end when he’s maximized everything, he would then focus on playing around with your character *coughs climbing noises coughs*

He thought you’d just be another part of his collection but playing with your character was very enjoyable and in-line with his playstyle- oops 100 screenshots with the Kamera-

Any and all merchandise that he fancies would be his, and he’s definitely flexing it to the other sweetie nerds who call themselves simps. He’s fighting for the simping title, and he’s currently neck and neck with this fanartist in Pixiv.

Speaking of that fanartist, he definitely commissioned an expensive and detailed portrait of you, full rights and everything. No one else was allowed to use it but him.

Was also the first one with the audacity to call out your VA to create an account on Tiktok to create more content with your voice. He was successful.

His obssession also comes in the form of self-indulgent contents, and had been keeping track of the ship wars happening. During conventions, he cosplays as the character shipped with you the most (or the character he thinks should end up with you).

Silently scrutinizing those who cosplay you, only ever taking pictures with/of the best looking one, sorry haha

Definitely flaunts that you are his waifu/husbando and will fight for best girl/best boy during debates or polls. Has mobilized the community to vote for you once. He’s very persuasive.

“Hm? Why I’m just the best collector in the game, and I am more than happy to let everyone know that I am their number one fan haha, everyone who claims otherwise is definitely wrong!”

Favorite Voiceline: More About (Y/N) I-IV, (Y/N)’s Hobbies...

Ganyu the Employed

Ganyu, our dearest overworker, is one of the players in the older stage who actually has a job but still plays Genshin for their past times. The gorgeous sceneries and the music is her main focus in playing the game, not much of a try-hard but still decent in the combat mechanics.

How she pulled you: You came home within 50 pulls! And you appeared again after another 10 pull! Ganyu was so SHOOKT and so distressed because oh goodness, what does she do? She doesn’t know anything much about you!

Will rewatch your three trailers to try and understand your skills better, ended up saving the soundtracks from them because that was such a nice trailer music! Tnbee gains a new follower!

Ganyu will take a while before she can properly play or build you up because she’s so busy with work, she only ever plays when she feels fully done with her work.

During her break she plays with your character while multi-tasking on eating, earphones plugged in and sight on the phone as she farms materials and artifacts for you.

The moment she gets more help from her player friends tho, holy shit, you just ended up being so OP. She had so many good artifacts and weapons for you because she didn’t know what they were for before.

She loves how you’re so easy to use and can easily solo the enemies and even the boss fights. A huge breather, because now Ganyu can cheese the battles that takes a while, to give her more time to focus on the storyline and lores.

Since Ganyu plays for the story and aesthetic, she’ll find you almost always in her team. Still very proud of her pull, she makes the best screenshots of your fights or in the best angle through exploration.

Treasures you so much she starts talking to her phone- “Ah, no, please don’t fall.” “There’s violetgrass up there, let’s try and get it”

Blushes everytime you produce a sound when climbing, doesn’t change you anyways tho

Hums to your trailer music while working, and if permitted, would have the song on repeat while she buries herself in work. She finds it really refreshing and the time she spends in work miraculously flies by fast when she gets lost in the sound.

At one point, when she was given a day-off or if the convention was on her free time, she attends to look for cosplayers of you and take a picture. No one rejects her because she’s so adorable and cute when asking shyly.

Had brought a decent amount of merchandise, preferably the functional/practical ones like a phone cover, mug or keychain. Also has an earphones clamp with your little chibi self as the holder.

When asked, she would shyly announce that she likes your character the most.

“Their character theme and music really soothes me during work, it feels nice to have them, and I have not once regretted ever pulling for them. They are the best.”

Favorite Voicelines: Good Night/Afternoon..., About Us, Something To Share..., Interesting Things...

so enjoyable...

@moaa @zelos-simp @legionqueensav @dandelion-dreams @snackgod @rxsalinee

[satoruvt]

know i’ll keep it forever

pairing → kim mingyu x reader

word count → 770

genre → fluff. just complete fluff ↳ tags: established relationship, Self Indulgent (tm), mingyu is annoying and my favorite person, cold medicine </3, mingyu being a housewife really, mentions of soup., mc is sick and mingyu is Done, crying i wish this was me rn, a single kiss, cute teasing and banter i think, anniversary shenanigans sick ver

song inspo → emerald by rini <3

warnings → none i think!!!

a/n → guys. this is actually the most self indulgent work ive ever written because its my 1 year with svt and im SICK. anyways i figured i cant do a fic for every member LOL so i decided to do mingyu because he was my very first bias in svt!!!! 1 year is a long time for me hehe so i hope this feels as special to you as it does to me... thank you for reading on such a special day <3

It takes more effort than you thought it would to swallow down the medicine (cherry flavored cold medicine because it was all the store had in stock), and you let out a weak cough when you finish, shivering at what little you could taste of it. Mingyu sighs, taking the the little plastic cup from your hand.

“Stop being dramatic,” he tells you, and you gawk at him like he’s insane.

“Dramatic?” You repeat, motioning to your sick self covered in blankets and surrounded by tissues. “I’m dying!”

Mingyu rolls his eyes but both of you are smiling. In all honesty, this isn’t the worst cold you’ve ever had - more annoying than anything else. You take a generous sip of the water Mingyu’s offered you, hoping it’ll wash away the lingering taste of alcohol and fake cherry. “I can’t believe you got sick on our anniversary,” he says as you swallow. It’s not teasing like before, more like disappointed awe. Neither of you expected your own health to get in the way of things.

You place the glass back on the bedside table, your hand moving to rest on the side of Mingyu’s face. He leans into it. “I’m sorry,” you tell him, feeling guilty. “I know you had a lot planned.”

He shakes his head, hand resting on top of yours. “It’s not your fault. Maybe we needed a night in, anyways. A sign from the gods.”

You giggle but it dissolves into a few coughs, and Mingyu looks at you with puppy dog eyes that make you want to get better immediately. But even at your most resilient, it takes a few days to get back to full health, and you know you’ll be bedridden for a while. 

“You’re gonna catch whatever I have if you stay here any longer,” you tell him, moving your hand away from him. Your fever gives you cold chills and all you want is to cuddle up next to him (he’s basically a human heater anyways) but you hold yourself back, not wanting him to share your pain. “You should stay at the dorms tonight.”

“What happened to dying?”

“I’ll die alone if it means you’re safe.”

Mingyu pushes your shoulder with so little force you barely move at all, but you groan out loud like you were punched with all of his weight behind it. “I’m sick and dying,” you wail, writing under your blankets, “and this is what you do to me.”

“Sorry, baby,” Mingyu says, adjusting himself so he stops your wriggling. “Want me to kiss it better?”

You already know where he’s going with this. “Kim Mingyu,” you warn, watching his face come closer. “You will not.”

“Who’s gonna stop me?” He asks, grinning ear to ear. He only gets closer, blankets ruffling under the shift of his weight towards you. “You’re too weak.”

“If you get sick, I’m gonna have to take care of you,” you tell him like it’s a threat. You don’t try to stop him, still. “You’re more dramatic than me, and I’m gonna have to baby you for a week.”

Mingyu shrugs, not bothering to hide his amusement. “I’ll look forward to it.”

And then he kisses you square on the lips, kind and sweet just as usual. He’s warm and your sick brain convinces you that he’s already crossed the line, there’s no use in holding back now, so you melt into him and kiss him back, hoping the medicine taste still doesn’t linger on your lips.

It’s a quick kiss, ending soon after it starts. You flick Mingyu on the forehead and he immediately recoils, whining. “You are unbelievable.”

“Think of it as an anniversary present,” he says, cheeky. You wouldn’t be able to hide the grin on your face even if you wanted to. “It goes along well with the soup I’m about to cook for you.”

“Really,” you hum, watching him clean up a few cough drop wrappers and rogue tissues. You’ve always been aware of it, but you really are lucky.

(Sometimes you think it’s not luck, but fate.)

“Hey,” you call right before Mingyu leaves the bedroom. He turns around to look at you, cute and confused pout on his lips. “You know I love you, right?”

You swear he shines brighter than the sun whenever you tell him. “I know,” he affirms, like he still can’t believe it (like he’s the one who needs to be in disbelief). “I love you too.”

Sleep catches you in a haze of what you can smell of Mingyu’s cologne mixed with the sound of him already starting to sniffle.

[deafeninggardenerpanda]

If ur still doing that ask game uh 002 metadede ship wishlist :D

mario WAHOO noise great job starting self-indulgent hours anon (thank you)

002 | Send me a ship and I will tell you:

When I started shipping them:

i had to check my archives for this. apparently the first metadede post i reblogged was january 2020, but looking at that post i think i shipped them even a bit before that. i do very clearly remember however, when i first joined the fandom and saw that ship, that i thought it was weird and that i thought shipping kirby characters/circles in general was kinda weird. hahahahaha oh my gosh look at me now

My thoughts:

they're idiots 💖 they make each other lose braincells and feed each others bad ideas. more than that, they know that they dont have to act a certain way in front of each other. they dont need to impress or feel like they need to set an certain example, so they can really relax and have fun. adult to adult friendship 🤝

What makes me happy about them:

okay okay repeating myself a lot around here but hey two sole adults with a long history. hating each other but then being forced to get to know each other and then LEARNING TO RESPECT AND ESTABLISH MUTUAL TRUST. im so weak for enemies to friends i cant get over it 🤦‍♂️

What makes me sad about them:

hmmm nothing? i loooove drama between these two lmao so very little could make me sad about them. unless in canon they said explicitly they dont trust each other that would be sad 👎

Things done in fanfic that annoys me:

i don't actually read that much fanfic, i think the metadedes ive read were just oneshots/otherwise really short and im gonna be honest i dont remember what happens in most of them. trying my best though, im gonna answer this with i think conflicts are solved too easily. its like one snuggle later and everythings okay. to be fair most metadede centered fics are fluff/comfort so whatever you know, i dont go in expecting that stuff from it

Things I look for in fanfic:

as said before i dont read much fanfic, especially long fanfic. i like short oneshots :) but if i did read long fanfic 👇 see below

My wishlist:

*deep breath* i want more metadede content where they drive in the enemies to friends to lovers. i want them to be the biggest mess ever and argue all the time and be petty and kick each others asses before they understand each other. the kf2 novel was pretty fun in that regard. this might be an unpopular opinion but as i said before just hhrhrhghg when theres stuggle it makes the end result more rewarding. the boys gotta work for their happy end

Who I’d be comfortable them ending up with, if not each other:

meta with whoever honestly, theres a ton of candidates out there. metagala or metaroach esp though. and dedede i guess with queen ripple. i dont ship those two but i hc that dedede had a crush on her for a while

My happily ever after for them:

kinda thought about this before and its a bittersweet answer. not cause i love sad stuff and drama in my ship this time surprisingly.

meta loves doing his own thing. taking some stuff from the novels (i think puppet princess in this case) he likes living freely, that's why he doesn't serve under anyone or take orders. he travels the universe a lot for one reason or another, and i think he can't live without exploring and adventuring. compared with dedede who likes being grounded in one place to protect everyone and cant leave dreamland, their lifestyles are incompatible. i cant imagine them settling down together like couples usually would. best case scenario i have is meta is only out some parts of the year, so he visits and lives in dreamland as much as he can, and he calls dedede often when he cant. bit of a long distance relationship :')