#what to do im never going to be nonbinary im never going to be seen as pretty because im not elf androgynous white nonbinar

[trans-estinien]

i love being autistic cause sometimes i get a glimpse into how regular people perceive things and its like. what the fuck. what the fuck is that? you live like this? and its normal?? i think YOURE the weird one actually. im fine. thanks though.

[satoriberry]

tha terf paradox of promoting acceptance of oneself's biological nature and not changing it for societal ideologies but then turning around and criticizing any person that has a different perception of their biological nature that doesn't immediately enter the "male or female" binary hmmm,,,,

[skittlespizza]

vent

[mejomonster]

Being nonbinary and dressing feminine sometimes despite very much not being a woman is. Its like hello strangers hello new friends im making please dont immediately steamroll

[arolesbianism]

I <3 transmasc Wendy because it adds another thing to the kid who does not know how to handle anything being thrown into everything pile but instead of a thing like dead sister it's the prospect that he kind of likes having short hair and the idea of being a guy and it still makes him feel like the world is ending until suddenly the ppl around him are just like fine with it and everything is like cool actually and he melts over that too until finally he's just a normal baby trans person and can get back to being bad at coping with his other hashtag issues again

[jesterwriting]

Hi Jester!! Hope you’re having a good day 💞 I absolutely love your work !! Your writings style and how you write the op boys.. my heart 🫶

If you’re taking requests, is it okay to ask a confession scenario from Law and Sanji, to a reader who’s never been in a relationship before?? They kinda freak out, after hearing the boys like them, only cuz they like them back but don’t wanna mess up?

Wishing you a good day- and thank you!! Stay awesome <3

pairing: sanji x reader & law x reader (separate)

contents: fluff, idiots in love, confessions, humor, nonbinary reader in sanji’s, gender neutral reader in law’s, reader is short in laws, everyone in this is so stupid, did i say idiots in love yet

word count: 2.4k words

note: AWWW HI im so glad you like my stuff hehe. okay so i got WHOLLY carried away with this request. like totally got carried away, though, i had an absolute blast writing this and hope you enjoy it too<33 idiots in love is my absolute favorite trope if you couldn't tell.

playlist: moscow - autoheart

Black Leg Sanji

It wasn’t obvious at first.

Sanji treated you the same as anyone else, always feeding you when you were hungry or offering a pleasant word when you shared the same space together. Sure, he didn’t fawn over you like he did the ladies, and he certainly didn’t treat you as roughly as he did Zoro, but the two of you had your own rapport. Sanji was nice to you, you were nice to him. That was all there was to it. While it was no secret — at least not to the observant eyes of Nami and Robin — that you wanted a little bit more from the flirtatious cook, you were happy with what you got. There was no reason to ruin a good thing with childish feelings, especially not when you were so inexperienced with them.

What you had was fine. It was good even, you supposed.

That was until Sanji started treating you differently.

It happened almost overnight. The camaraderie you shared with him grew into something entirely new. You weren’t sure what to do about it. When you woke up that fateful morning, Sanji seemed distant, though he wouldn’t stop staring at you with the most bewildered expression you had ever seen. Instead of setting a plate down in front of Nami or Robin first, he placed a breakfast platter right under your nose, a rosy blush staining his cheeks. The final nail in the coffin was the shaky compliment you got from him as you left the room.

“You look positively ravishing today, Y/N.”

You froze in place, fingers curled around the doorknob. When you turned, Sanji blinked at you a few times, lips parted as if he wasn’t sure as to what he said. Seconds passed — though it felt more like years — of the two of you staring at one another. Ashes dribbled from Sanji’s cigarette onto the floor. You shuffled your feet. It was completely silent, save for the sound of your heart thundering in your chest.

“Thanks,” You finally said.

With that, you slipped out the door, unable to stand the tension a moment longer. Something squirmed in your chest, and an anxious tang in the back of your throat made you want to throw yourself overboard. It was one compliment, it didn’t mean anything, you told yourself.

You weren’t sure what scared you more. The idea that it meant nothing, or the idea that Sanji might like you the same way you liked him. Either way, you couldn’t stop trembling. You hoped that whatever this was would work itself out on its own without your intervention.

Spoiler alert: it didn’t.

In fact, it got worse.

Sanji hovered around you more often, going from occasionally asking if you needed anything from him, to asking every twenty minutes. While he didn’t stop doting on Nami and Robin, he found himself too preoccupied with watching you to remember to refill their drinks on time.

Worst of all, Sanji wouldn’t stop complimenting you. They were far clumsier than the usually smooth flirtations that rolled off his tongue, but they were more than enough to get under your skin and into your heart. You didn’t miss that unmistakable glitter of pride in his blue eyes whenever you blushed under his flattery.

What you wouldn’t give for everything to go back to normal. When you realized you harbored a little crush on Sanji, you never expected it to be reciprocated. Now that it was, you weren’t sure what to do. You had never been in a relationship before, and with your luck, you’d end up screwing everything up.

You flushed when you felt his eyes on you, trailing from the top of your head to your feet. Gentle footfalls approached you, and you braced for an inevitably awkward interaction that you would replay in your head for hours after it was done.

“Hello, my sweet—” Over the past few days, Sanji had gotten more confident with the pet names, much to your chagrin — “Care for a refill.”

“If you can make it alcoholic,” You replied, staring pointedly at the ocean. If you looked at his ridiculously handsome face right now, you’d crumble to dust.

“Anything for someone as lovely as you.” You could practically hear his dumb smile on his dumb lips that you wanted to kiss stupid. Frowning, you fidgeted with your fingers.

You heard Sanji tip the pitcher as ice clinked together, filling your glass. The smell of sea salt filled your nostrils. There were words bubbling in your chest and up your throat, threatening to spew forth and coat the deck with bile. You bit your lip to keep that from happening.

“For you.” Sanji handed you the glass, and his fingers brushed against your own. They were warm, the skin was soft and well maintained. As always, you wondered what they’d feel like cupping your face, Sanji’s lips against your own.

You couldn’t keep it in any longer.

“Do you have a crush on me or something?”

Sanji’s mouth fell open. Before he could speak, you bulldozed right over him. “It’s okay if you do, I don’t really care, I’m just curious. I mean, maybe I would care because I’ve had a bit of a crush on you since forever. But that’s stupid. I’m stupid. I need to stop talking right now. Why can’t I stop talking?”

“You’re not stupid,” Was the first thing that Sanji said, surprisingly stern for how red he was. Followed by an almost incredulous, “You like me?”

“That’s what I should be saying” You cried. “You’re not supposed to like me back. I have no idea what I’m doing.”

He stared at you for a moment before reaching to remove his cigarette from his mouth and dangle it between two fingers. “You’re in love with me?”

“Well, that’s a really serious way to put it, but yeah. Sure. Whatever. I’m in love with you. There! I said it.” You let out a manic cackle. Your face felt so hot, like you were about to burst into flames any second. “I’ve never been in a relationship. I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what I’m doing.”

Sanji grabbed you by the shoulders, his expression serious. “I don’t know what I’m doing either. We can figure it out together. If you’ll have me, of course.”

Your arms wrapped around his neck and pulled him into a tight hug. “Okay. Together then.”

“Together, my sweet.” He said, so suave as if steam wasn’t coming off of him from how hard he was blushing.

Not that you were much better.

Trafalgar Law

You hadn’t meant to overhear. Really, you didn’t. You were passing by the engine room, arms full of supplies you were supposed to deliver to the team, when you overheard your name. Maybe it was nosy of you to start eavesdropping, but anyone would if they were in your position. Once you heard Shachi and Penguin say your name, you stuck around to see what gossip had been floating around on the Polar Tang about you. It was a fact of life, one you refused to be held accountable for.

What you didn’t expect was to find out the captain had a crush. That in of itself sounded wholly ridiculous, and at first, nearly tore your heart in half. You had been harboring feelings for Law for a long time now, none of which you were confident enough to act on. Part of the reason you never confessed was because you had hoped he was too damned awkward to have a crush on anyone else in the first place. The other part was because you were inexperienced. Love was not something that came easy to you. It was messy, rough, and altogether stressful, none of which you wanted to deal with.

What really got you though, was the fact that out of everyone in the entire world, the infamous captain of the Heart Pirates had feelings for you.

You really, really hadn’t meant to overhear.

With your heart beating out of your chest, you shuffled past the engine room and delivered your supplies, wishing you were anywhere but here. This was bad. Law had been avoiding you for weeks, and now, you knew why. At first, you worried you had gotten on his nerves enough that he was finally sick of you. You enjoyed talking to him, even discounting your little crush. Whenever Law had a free moment, you found yourself by his side, chattering away over whatever had caught your fancy. He was a good listener, chiming in with a smirk every so often to show that he was paying attention. Recently, however, Law had started to dip into adjourning halls when he saw you coming, or take his meals in his office rather than sit with you in the mess.

It would almost be easier if he hated you. Then you wouldn’t be sweating profusely in your boiler suit, scared that Law would show up around every turn. How could you look him in the eye knowing that your feelings for him were reciprocated? All you knew is you were thankful he was avoiding you. It made staying as far away from him as possible much, much easier.

You were confident you were doing a good job getting your tasks done without running into the captain until you, quite literally, ran into him. The top of your head knocked directly into his chin, sending you sprawling on the floor and making Law frown. A frown that deepened when he saw you.

Still, he helped you to your feet.

“Watch where you’re going, Y/N-ya.”

“Right, sorry. Bye,” You said, skirting past him.

Law didn’t let you get far before his hand shot out to grab your wrist. His brows were furrowed, and you tried not to think about the glimmer of disappointment in his eyes. “That’s it?”

“What?”

“You’re usually always talking,” He said.

You removed your arm from Law’s grasp. He let go easily, thank goodness, you were fully prepared to wrestle him to get out of this conversation if you needed to. “I just don’t feel very chatty right now. Bye.”

With that, you turned on your heel and marched down the hall. It was quiet for a moment, only the sound of your footsteps resounding against the walls of the Polar Tang. It wasn't until a second, much heavier pair joined you did you start to pick up the pace. To which Law responded to by matching your speed, easily gaining on you. His strides were longer than yours. Two of your steps equaled one of his. At this rate, it would only be a matter of time before he caught you, and then where would you be?

So you started running.

Law faltered for a second before he joined, boots like thunder against the floor. Instinctively, you ducked around the first corner, hoping to lose him, before your stomach flipped and you, once again, ran directly into your captain.

That asshole. He shambles’ed you.

“Why were you running from me?” If he was hurt, he hid it well through an entirely unamused mask. You swallowed hard, shuffling your feet slightly under his gaze.

“I had the runs.”

Law gave you an unimpressed look. “No you didn’t. Now tell the truth. Why did you run from me?”

“Uh.”

You were really in it now. If the universe had any amount of love for you, there would be an emergency happening in about five seconds from now that would demand Law’s attention. But, of course, nothing happened. You were trapped.

“Uh,” Law repeated, his usual smirk worming its way onto his face. It wasn’t until then that you realized just how close to him you were, nose mere inches away from his chest. Your cheeks blazed.

Taking a couple steps back, you fidgeted with your fingers. “It’s none of your business.”

“It is my business when one of my crewmates runs from me,” Law countered.

He had you there. You weren’t sure how to get out of this, or even if you could get out of this. This was it. D-Day. Your tongue felt too big for your mouth, the pink muscle flailing uselessly. It was hard to breathe as your heart pounded furiously enough to make you feel lightheaded. Finally, after a full minute of silence, you couldn’t hold it in anymore.

“Ireallydidn’tmeantobutIoverheardShachiandPenguinsayyouhadacrushonme.”

As he processed your words, all of Law’s confidence leaked away, the tips of his ears turning bright pink, confirming what you already knew. His pupils darted to your face in search of something.

“What did you think?” Law licked his dry lips and tried again. “What did you think when you heard that?”

“I don’t know because I’ve had the biggest crush on you since we met!” There. You said it. That wasn’t so bad. “I didn’t know what to do, so I was avoiding you.”

Tugging on the brim of his hat to cover his face, Law asked, “So what do you want to do now?”

“Didn’t you hear me? I don’t know! I’ve never been in a relationship before, how am I supposed to know these things?”

“I haven’t either,” He confessed.

You let your forehead knock against his chest. A chuckle rumbled against you as Law brought his hand up to cup the back of your head. His touch was delicate, barely there at all. You couldn’t help but lean into him. “That doesn’t help at all.”

“Get some dinner,” He said. “We can eat in my office together and talk about it more then. No more running.”

“Says the guy who avoided me for three weeks.”

Law only let out a huff while you laughed.

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

Hi hi, gendery sex question here.

Me and my partner are afab, and basically despite her efforts, sex hasnt felt like much for me. But I love being the giving partner, and for a while now have thought Id enjoy sex with her if I had a penis. Imagining that sensation instead is exciting. I consider myself nonbinary. Im mostly wondering if your expert opinion thinks my low success at feeling much actual physical pleasure might be caused by feeling alienated from my body in this maybe dysphoric way. Or is there's another reason I should consider why sex with my partner doesnt work great for me. Masturbation goes a little better and I can actually finish, but not great and only upside down and without looking at my body. Generally high drive with low success has been leaving me frustrated. Do I need to think about phalloplasty?? That's kind of A Lot especially since Ive never considered myself transmasc per se.

Also thanks. Your posts and attitude mean a lot to me as someone who had to figure out a lot of shit on my own as a kid and subsequently became the defacto Sex Knower for a lot of friends to go to with questions. Ive seen how much this stuff helps people feel less broken. You're doing amazing. 💚

hi anon,

I certainly can't put a name on your gender identity for you, but what I can tell you is that it's VERY common for people with some kind of dysphoria to feel alienated or distant from sex because the highly intimate nature of sex and the very gendered assumptions still tied to many people's genitalia. many people who have transitioned in some way find that sex becomes MUCH for fun and comfortable afterwards, regardless of whether they have surgery or hormone replacement therapy - sometimes, just being out and perceived differently by partners can be enough.

if you haven't already, it may be helpful to try sex with a strap on. it's much less permanent and expensive than phalloplasty, and can give you a sense of whether you like the sensation of having sex that way. if you enjoy that, you may also want to try out a packer to see whether or not you enjoy the sensation of having a penis outside of a sexual context. no need to commit hard to anything right away; you have all the room in the world to experiment.

I'd also add, gently, that wanting a penis doesn't have to make you transmasculine if that's not how you want to understand it. if we believe that genitals are not gendered, then wanting or having a penis doesn't have to say anything about you except that you want a dick. parts is just parts.

[sciderman]

im ssorry I know this has probably been explained bit in what way is cable trans? Is he nb?

afab transmasc 100% true and real and canon and we have the t.o to thank for his massive schlong that is canon it's right there on the page i didn't make that up, th

im just reading what the writers give me. reading what the writers give me. and molding it to my will.

nate's t.o is effectively a metal strap. also he has no canon biological children, they're all adopted. and i think just the whole constant masculinity obsession... i don't know, i don't know, very sus, nathan. very sus.

you CHOOSE to be a man?? mhm. mhm. i bet. i bet. writes that down in my little "nathan summers is trans" notepad

also the number of times nathan just looks like a butch lesbian to me.

cable and dom act more like a lesbian couple than a heterosexual couple don't @ me i'm right i know exactly what i'm talking about

i know it's all just 90s marvel machismo, but there's nothing i love more than to take that marvel machismo and ogle it with my trans eyeballs. and unfortunately i haven't seen anything at ALL in any of my time reading cable that counters my nathan summers is trans hypothesis. there is nothing in canon to counter it. in fact, the more i read him, the more trans he becomes.

pretty loaded, i think.

really, when i started writing nathan it wasn't something i had in mind at all. kind of similar to how when i started writing wade i didn't necessarily think of him as nonbinary, but it was kind of just a dormant thing that was there, and then i decided to finally point at him and slap the label on him.

it was kind of an accident that snuck up on me when i was writing tunnel o'love - that i kind of entirely accidentally made nathan trans. not overtly - but just - it was an accident.

i was so mad at myself when i found out i had accidentally made nathan trans. i keep doing this. why do i keep transing characters. can ONE of the characters i write just be cis for ONCE!!

(stupid) (but it made me think back on) (stupid) (this scene in i love you wade wilson) (where - okay. vanessa is able to shapeshift into people she's exposed to, but – like, if she were to shapeshift into nathan) (which she does, in this fic) (she doesn't have the metal arm because, like, she can copycat their biology, but not like, the t.o.) (and so therefore. no dick!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

(stupid stupid stupid STUPID!)

so, in the same way that canon never seems to disprove nathan being trans. my own writing never seems to disprove nathan is trans either. and so i go back on it adn think god fucking damn. nathan summers really was trans all along wasn't he. dammit. dammit.

[our-lesboy-experience]

hiii!!! so uh, this is sorta about 'contradicting' (?) identities in general, but i only recently found out about, like, lesboys and gaygirls and all of that, but what is it exactly? like how does it work? or is that weird to ask? i'm trying figuring myself out but a lot of stuff i've seen doesn't exactly... explain it (or explain it well), and while i guess i do get why, it's just kinda hard to understand it myself for my own identity

also, probably a question you get a lot in a hating way, but isn't the definition of lesbian nonman loving nonman? so then how does lesboy work? like is it for people with more complicated gender identites, like fluctuating genders and bigender? just genuinly confused, my apologies...

sorry for not getting to this sooner- been busier lately and didn't have the time to collect everything I needed to respond!

About what it exactly means to be a lesboy or a gaygirl ('turigirl' is the more common term, 'turi' meaning turian, another word for gay attraction to men. so I'll be referring to it as that from now on), there isn't exactly....one right way to call yourself such. it really depends on the person, but I can give you a basic definition and a list of common reasons someone may call themselves such

im gonna put a read more because this ended up being super long so sorry

lesboy is a term for any lesbian who may have a connection to manhood and/or masculinity. turigirl is just the opposite of that, a gay person (mlm/nblm) who may have a connection to womanhood and/or femininity. common reasons I've seen are:

being multigender or genderfluid

being cusper/in between trans and cis gnc (in between trans man and cis gnc woman, in between trans woman and cis gnc man)

being a system who uses lesboy/turigirl as a collective identity or when identities blur together

a person who uses man/boy or woman/girl as a means of masculine or feminine gender expression but not actually identifying as such

being a trans man/ftm or a trans woman/mtf who still identifies as lesbian or gay for personal reasons

those are far from all the reasons, everyone has their own unique experiences, but the gist is these people may have some sort of connection to manhood/womanhood while still having a queer attraction. personally, I'm multigender, genderfluid, and transmasc. lesboy I find is a nice label to express being both my bigender self and being a lesbian, as it forces people to acknowledge both without separating the two. it's cute and makes me feel validated!

as for "nonman attracted to nonmen" definition of lesbian......it has its issues. it's received criticism all around from all sorts of lesbians in the community. this definition is very new - it emerged only in the recent years, and someone on twitter had date searched it and found it didn't even really exist before 2019. and having that as the one and only official definition that every lesbian has to abide by, when lesbian is a centuries old word with so much history behind it, is a bit ignorant. people who are multiple genders or ftm or bi being lesbian is not even remotely new, going back decades upon decades, and it never stopped existing too. It's a bit weird to have a whole new definition that doesn't include all sorts of lesbians that have been here for so long and just tell them they're not welcomed anymore, right?

that's not even close to the only issue there is with it. it's been disliked for centering lack of attraction to men, or defining lesbian in relation to men, rather than who we're actually attracted to. putting nonbinary people in a new binary of either being "men or nonmen," which not all feel comfortable putting themselves into. especially when considering a definition of gay being "nonwomen attracted to nonwomen," man-woman bigender people are simultaneously excluded from being both lesbian or gay. It inherently overlaps with mspec identity ("attraction to nonmen, which is more than one gender" and "any orientation that involves attraction to more than one gender" kinda obviously overlap), despite people insisting that a lesbian can never be mspec. people have found multiple loopholes in it, (which I can elaborate on if someone wants me to, for the sake of trying to make this as short as possible), and lastly, and term "nonman" (and nonwoman) were found to have existed before to describe the degendering of black people in society. this isn't the only source I've seen for this, but sadly I can't exactly find it (or find it without going back to that hellsite called twitter and I'm not doing that to myself)

oh and as the link points out, defining lesbian by these words also ends up excluding a lot of two-spirit people from ever identifying as lesbian, myself included. which is also really racist. I don't know how you're gonna end up excluding a whole cultural gender that's common for indigenous americans to describe themselves with and try to prove it somehow isn't racist, to be honest

and lastly, some surveys/polls have shown that the definition isn't the most widely accepted by lesbians as people make it out to be. there's this simple poll that someone posted asking how lesbians felt about the definition that received 1,529 responses, and 61.1% of voters said they disliked it. comments gave lots of reasons I've stated already. there was another survey put out that received 211 responses that for any lesbian who had a genderqueer or unique relationship with gender, and one of the questions asking opinions on the "nonmen loving nonmen" as a definition. the average among the group was slightly negative (average 2.838), and reported that the group who tended to feel the most positively about it didn't consider themselves to be trans, with the other positive leaning group considered themselves to be somewhat cis. the group that felt the most negatively sometimes considered themselves to be trans. and of the multigender participants, the average opinion was 2.255 (more negative than the overall average). When concluding, the original poster stated, "When divided by gender, the only groups to feel positive about this definition were "not trans" and "somewhat cis" participants. Multigender participants felt especially negative about this definition"

all of this shows that this definition isn't nearly the best for everyone who considers themselves a lesbian. I know it's been a way to include nonbinary people who are lesbian in it's definition, but I think it really misunderstands why nonbinary people are included in lesbianism in the first place, and just assumes that all nonbinary people aren't men and fails to recognize that multigender/genderfluid people are nonbinary too. and it's not like lesbian has to only have on definition- it can definitely have multiple and depend on each person's experience with it. if someone personally defines them being lesbian around being a nonman attracted to nonmen, and takes pride in not being attracted to men, that's totally fine. what becomes a problem is forcing all lesbians to define themselves like this and make it the standard, or else they're "not real lesbians." it is ahistorical and ignorant to require this or else you'll strip them of their lesbian status, and is really at the end of the day, lesbophobic. especially as a requirement that primarily exists in online spaces. im sure the lesbian who is not at all connected to these circles doesn't particularly care about strict requirements or whether someone is a "nonman" or not. in conclusion, it is not the best nor most accepted definition of lesbian, and deciding which lesbians are valid or not based solely on that definition is pretty exclusionary and ends up policing a lot of lesbians, myself included

[enduringmoth]

thoughts on marvin's abuse, care's existence and paul's transness

taking a break from my usual bg3 posting to talk a little bit about my newer hyperfixation through the lens of queer allegory

necessary author's note: i am an afab transmasculine nonbinary person. obviously, while i do believe my transness does lend my opinion authenticity, at the same time, being trans myself does not mean i can't be transphobic -- so if any of the contents of this post set off alarm bells, please tell me.

trigger & content warnings: child abuse, kidnapping, torture, general petscop badness. obvious spoilers for petscop in its entirety, as well as references to the recent youtube deepdive by nexpo.

TL;DR -- perpetuating the idea that someone can force someone else to be a different gender than they are is harmful to trans people. however, all things involve considerable nuance. to pretend that marvin's actions could not have influenced paul's sense of self in the slightest discredits paul's lived experiences, and i believe a more trauma-informed dialogue about paul could be worth exploring as a community.

my preferred theory explaining petscop is that marvin tried to make care more like lina through abuse and "failed". after this, care would eventually end up in lina's home, and transition to paul.

(simply to make all of this less confusing, i'm going to call paul pretransition "care", though i will avoid pronouns. this is not me trying to invalidate paul, it's just so i don't have to keep saying "paul before he transitioned" or similar phrases.)

it is not a result of marvin's "failure" that care transitioned to paul. but i do believe there is a link between paul's perceptions of self and the trauma he endured pretransition -- and discussing these things gives us a deeper understanding of paul and his history.

obviously there is no "canon" answer to petscop. but im seeing this theory discussed a lot within the tags, and i personally agree with it -- i just feel some of those who are saying we cannot consider marvin's actions are not necessarily accurate, either.

what i am positing is that while marvin certainly did not make paul trans and i would never claim that he did, we understand that marvin's abuse of care -- his cruelty towards care, his warping of care's perception of appearance and self-worth -- is certainly a factor in how paul must see himself.

marvin's treatment of care was poor enough that paul struggles to recall that time of his life. he thinks they are different people -- and in a way, they certainly are (and i've seen DID theories for them which i also enjoy because of this) -- and has clearly repressed what it meant to be marvin's child.

marvin locked care in a basement for six months. that is no small amount of time, and it likely had no small amount of affect on paul. we can assume based on the implications of some school scenes that marvin was trying to convince care to be more like lina during this time. care escaped, and returned home -- though eventually, we know from belle's dialogue that paul would find his way to lina.

"do you remember the day you were born?"

paul's "birth" occurred after marvin's abuse, and though it was not a result of it, there is something almost poetic about following the thread of paul's life from care to his authentic self that plays as a foil to the heinous rebirthing practiced by marvin and rainer.

contrasted with what happened to belle (and seemingly others), paul chose (a form of) rebirth -- transition. marvin tried to make lina be reborn through care. instead, care resisted -- and he would eventually become paul, and that strikes me as so narratively compelling. it's not to spite marvin and please don't think i'm saying that, as care was naturally always paul -- it is simply self-discovery at its most raw and beautiful, and i love it.

the above is why i love petscop as a queer allegory. taking ownership of one's future and selfhood, even when others are trying to tell you who to be.

and that's why i think saying marvin made his afab child transition in rejection of martin's quest for lina -- or that marvin tried to make his amab child transition to care/lina, as nexpo posited -- is so wrong, and harmful.

yet, paul's trauma is real. it happened. and it's a part of him that should be able to be discussed for what it is.

as someone with extensive trauma history, i can tell you that my gender expression and personal identity are in some way connected to pieces of trauma, because those pieces are part of me. i am not trans because of my trauma, but my gender and my trauma are parts of me at the same time -- i am not each of my pieces, but a sum of my whole.

the point i'm trying to make here is that while i think nexpo genuinely missed the mark here with this whole "care never existed, marvin tried to make paul a girl" thing, i do think there needs to be room for a trauma-informed discussion around paul.

i hope that all made sense. if any of this is harmful/transphobic, please let me know. i genuinely love this game and i think it's so fascinating to discuss. /gen

[snaxle]

just saw someone say the reason bi lesbians are problematic is because they're inclusive of radfems, and that bi lesbians spew terf rhetoric. i dont know what kinda secret alternate universe you're living in where terfs are supportive of mspec identities but im begging you to turn on your brain cells for longer than 5 seconds at a time and then go outside instead of wallowing in queer twitter discourse made by 15 year olds 10 hours every day you fucking idiots.

terfs dont fucking like bi lesbians. terfs would rather watch us either kill ourselves than ever support our identities.

"i hate mspec lesbians because they tell people who hate men that they're sharing terf beliefs, which is exactly what terfs want!!" have you literally never seen a terf's account before in your life? they fucking hate men and want everyone in the world to know that every single man in the world no matter how old they are that they're gross ugly creatures who all hate women and want nothing more than to prey on the downfall of all women. yea, even those 6 and 12 year old boys that live next door to you. so yea, while you're posting your quirky little "i hate all men they're disgusting 🙄" posts every three days for your 400 twitter followers, you're 100% spewing terf rhetoric!! no that doesnt mean you're a fucking terf but you're sharing into their beliefs and spreading their agenda every time you do this shit which is what they want!!!!

"the term lesbian is already inclusive of trans and nonbinary people, so using the term bi/mspec lesbian is problematic because you dont think trans people can be lesbians!" look me in the eyes. do you genuinely, honest to god think that terfs care about that. do you genuinely think terfs are okay with trans people calling themselves a lesbian. terfs dont fucking care, they still want you to either detransition and realize how "evil" being trans is and follow in their beliefs, or they want you dead. a nonbinary trans man who uses he/him pronouns calling himself a bi lesbian is literally the least of your fucking worries.

i am trans and bigender. even if i just called myself solely a lesbian without the extra labels, terfs still wont fucking accept me because i am not a pure innocent 100% woman. they will not accept me even when i tell them i feel more like a woman most days than i do a man because i am not their definition of what a woman should be. "it doesnt matter what terfs say, lesbian is still inclusive of trans people!" no, it's only inclusive of trans people that you deem are good and women enough to use the label.

people love going around talking about how they're so so supportive of any and all identities and then immediately turn around and be like "hmmm but not Yours." i could be the most perfect woman in the world, but the second i so much as mention i think a man looks attractive, then i am not being a lesbian the Right way.

so who the fuck cares anymore. who cares if i use the term bisexual lesbian to identify myself? im already doing it all wrong supposedly, so who cares if im more of a problem than i already am? the queer people im supposed to share a community with would rather side on the side of terfs because im not being a lesbian in the supposedly Correct way, and no matter what i say to try defending myself I'll never be seen as a true and proper lesbian because random strangers on the internet i will never meet ever in my life has already dictated that I'm not good enough. that my existence is problematic and harmful to everyone else, completely ignorant of the fact that they're unwillingly sharing in the beliefs of transphobes, homophobes and conservatives who would like nothing more than to wipe us all out instead of standing together as a community.

but you know, putting bi lesbians on your dni or whatever is more important.

[eddiediazismyhusband]

Hi! A bit of a weird ask here, hope you don't mind. (I swear it's not meant in bad faith)

So, I'm new to the fandom. I'd wanted to watch the show for a while and I finally found time. I did like it, and all the characters, esp Hen and Buck.

Even previous to watching it, I had seen many posts about Buddie. I didn't think much of it until I watched the show. And now I can say... I don't see it. Like, from Buck's side? Sure. But from Eddie's? Not so much.

They both clearly act like Christopher's co-parents a lot, and that's where I'm like "oh, maybe there IS something". But outside of that, I actually see their interactions as mostly platonic. And when I see people talk about it, I see mostly about how Eddie completely trusts Buck with his son (which I agree with and makes a good point), but not much else.

So, what am I missing? Sometimes some characters are harder for me to "read", so I know there could be stuff that I'm missing. What interactions do you see from them that are so clearly romantic (at least more so than they are platonic)? In which ways do you see Eddie showing feelings for Buck?

Sorry about such a long ask. This might be more of a rant (oops). I just really want to understand, bc everyone's so sure... and I'm not. (Also, thanks for reading if you got this far)

So i’m obviously not going to tell you thst your interpretation is wrong- art is subjective and your interpretation of things is completely valid.

that being said, to me i see myself in eddie in a lot of ways:

- only son in the family, so i had unrealistic expectations fixed on me about what my life as a “man” should look like (im not a man, im nonbinary but i was still amab so to my parents i’ve always been a ‘man’)

- raised in a very religious household where there were certain expectations on who i would one day marry and have a family with (because not getting married at all and never having kids was out of the question)

- i was repressed for years emotionally (and sexually) due to pressure from my parents/church and thought there was something “wrong” with me for the feelings i felt

- i often revert to anger as my default defense mechanism because i have repressed my emotions for so long (which is something i am working through in therapy)

so seeing those things i relate to reflected in eddie, it is easy for me to pick up on subtext (whether intentional or not) when it comes to his sexuality/feelings for Buck.

you mentioned eddie trusting buck with christopher— to me this is one of the clearest examples of eddie’s true feelings for buck because he completely trusts the most precious thing in his life with Buck, but he has never even come close to that same kind of trust with any of his romantic partners… even shannon he was apprehensive about letting her back into chris’s life. this means he trusts buck on a level he has never trusted anyone else before— and not to get into psychology, but often when people are repressed emotionally, they find ways to feed those feelings without overtly feeding them if that makes sense. so eddie giving chris (who is practically his whole heart) to buck is essentially eddie offering up his heart on a platter.

so that gets that one out of the way.

as for other examples… i am going to state again that eddie is more repressed than buck and doesn’t show emotion as easily as buck does so Buck’s attraction/feelings are going to be more clear-cut and obvious.

but i am constantly seeing examples of eddie’s feelings for buck interwoven subtly through things:

- crying over buck after the lightning strike when we had only ever seen him cry twice before

- the hurt in his face when buck said natalia was the only person who “saw” him

- the way that he gets overly jealous and acts petty around buck’s romantic partners (the most egregious being Taylor, but we have seen it happen in his other relationships as well)

- the fact that he has never been able to fully allow himself to have feelings for the women he’s dated

- he is looking for a mother figure (second parental unit for chris) but has already effectively filled that role with buck

- he is constantly looking at buck like he hung the stars and the sun and the moon

- he has only started going off the deep end of this fixation with shannon after buck came out to him, and he is onyl actively remembering their relationship as what he wished it had been rather than what it was— something i used to do back when i was still in denial about my sexuality was imagining this dream life where i was happily married to a woman because that is what i was supposed to want, not because it’s what i actually wanted

- eddie is the only one who has shown he understands buck’s recklessness is less him being reckless/thinking he’s unbreakable, but that it’s actually buck seeing himself as invaluable enough that getting hurt wouldn’t affect anyone around him

- one of my favorite scenes is post lightning-strike when eddie climbed the ladder and instead of trying to lower buck to the ground immediately, he initially tries to pull buck closer to him while screaming for him

the list could go on and on and if anyone else wants to leave their observations on eddie’s feelings for buck in the replies by all means please do! but these are just a few ways in which i have personally seen eddie’s devotion to buck portrayed in a light that is much deeper than a platonic level.

i hope this made sense and offers a new perspective for you, and i’m glad that even though you haven’t seen enough evidence in your own interpretation, your first instinct isn’t to jump down people’s throats to tell them they are wrong, but instead reaching out and asking for other opinions to better contextualize why us buddie shippers are so invested in these two!

(and never apologize for a long ask to me… if there’s one thing about me i love to yap lmao)

i hope you have a lovely day, anon!! 💕💕

[bluegumballmf]

OK SO RANT WARNING I LOVE ADAMAI

ngl i think about adamai so much like literally almost half of the time im thinking abt him so um i just wanna talk about my personal headcanons for him bc i rlly rlly like him he’s genuinely such an easy character to relate to for me because i relate to his trauma. Anyways, forgive me if you catch any spelling or grammar errors, i’m writing this with like 4 hours of sleep and dyslexia.

um so my main mental health hcs are that he has BPD, ADD (lololol fits with the name) and minor psychosis. For ADD, it’s moreseo that from what i’ve seen, adamai struggles in social cues and has a more quiet approach to his struggles, and that he acts similarly to me, and I am autistic. For psychosis, it’s sort of a baseless headcanon, I just feel like Adamai would get auditory/ tactile hallucinations.

It’s a little hard to explain why i think he has BPD cause it’s moreso things I can relate to, such as how he latches onto people rlly quick ; ie a BPD person’s “favorite person,” who is a support system and a sort of pillar/ anchor and typically end up being someone the person w/ BPD sometimes ends up changing themself for. I personally think that adamai’s had multiple favorite people, such as; grougal, qilby, phaeris, echo and oropo, and obviously, yugo. Its kinda hard for me to like. Phrase WHY i think these people are his fps, but i think it’s mostly how he values them and prioritizes them when it comes to his actions and thoughts and feelings, i mean, just take oropo for example. Adamai changed his entire body for oropo, taking the dofus in when he was still rlly young for eliatrope/dragon standards, even assuming a body he didn’t want to survive, which even then, he only did for approval and support from his FP. This actually leads me into my next headcanon,

I headcanon adamai as transfem. Specifically a trans woman. For a few reasons, which I’ve gone over in a twitter thread (same username as on here, you should go check it out, I’m WAY more active there haha) but i’ll put it here.

1. adamai doesnt feel comfortable in his body and it’s elaborated on in the show. When he’s talking to eliatrope about his body, eliatrope states that he’s “always been unique” and iirc you can see adamai’s face drop because its not exactly something he’s proud of.

2: going off the last point, he’s shown to say that the body he now has in wakfu s3-4 is one he had to adapt to survive and not the one he chose, which is parallel to some trans people never transitioning because they dont feel safe enough to do so. this is kind of a stretch but bear with me, it’s more subconcious connections than anything else.

3. (More of a joke point) BUT HE LITERALLY HAS THE SAME WAIST SIZE AS JESSICA RABBIT. WHAT. YES I’VE ACTUALLY COMPARED I AM NOT JOKING. Like here are the images (see below) for comparison. In all seriousness, while i feel like adamai’s design IS iconic and it does serve the purpose it meant to acheive, it doesn’t feel like him. Which again, is what it meant to acheive!! I’ll touch on this more in a second, but not.

4: adamai has multiple issues regarding self perception, which in a way are all similar to dysphoria. He seems to have rejection dysphoria, body dysphoria, and maybe gender dysphoria. In my view, he seems to have all three subtypes of gender dysphoria (body, mind, and social) this actually ties in to the first point, because i feel like he’d develop a sort of body dysmorphia from shifting into a body he didn’t want, rather then a body that would be more comfortable for him; the human or the dragon. Which i’m choosing to see as a representation of the two genders; with him shifting in between being a sort of safe spot, like how many trans people identify as nonbinary or bigender before transition. (Not to say that these people are any less trans then any others, i’m just going off my own perception as a trans genderfluid person!!!)

5: he’s always being forced into roles; from being raised for yugo, to being yugo’s mentor, to being grougal’s nanny, to being possessed, etc. Ad never has chances to choose any roles by himself, and it’s similar to transphobic parents stopping their trans kid from expressing themselves imo. Again, could be a stretch, but this is how i interpreted it. It’s actually kind of similar to my parents, so maybe that’s why. Though, this COULD also just be gifted kid burnout or autistic burnout OR strict parent parallels, which i also can see correspond with adamai.

6: His mental image and self worth.

Adamai’s character is heavily influenced by a lack of self worth. He measures it with other people’s perceptions of him such as oropo’s or grougal’s, and when his body is perceived negatively by himself/others, he also starts hating it and himself, which ties into the headcanon i had about him having body dysmorphia AND into the BPD favorite people!!!

7: ( sounds like a joke point but bear w me) estrogen could have saved him

And honestly, no, Im not joking. Imo, if Adamai was allowed access to an actual process to be able to feel comfortable in his own skin, it might help his mental illnesses a lot in the long run. I equate that to him getting estrogen + finally looking like himself. It could help him with the body dysmorphia and self esteem by helping him get to a place where he’s comfortable to be himself and maybe even shapeshift again. (I actually wrote a fic about this on Ao3, https://archiveofourown.org/works/55070686, if you want to read it!!)

But um yeah, thats my reasoning for the trans headcanons, onto the less mental health involved ones, more miscellaneous. (But if you’re wondering why i’m using ‘male’ pronouns on Adamai, it’s because i feel like he would still like the he/him pronouns, but would simply use she/her more post transition.)

So, i have a few, mainly for adamai during winter vs summer.

In winter,

Silverish hair to blend with the snow

hair puffs up slightly to provide more insulation

lighter pigmentation everywhere,

much sleepier, tends to nap in the snow often

And then in the summer,

Blonde hair

more pigmentation

hair is less puffy, just curly (similar to chibi’s hair!!!)

less sleepier and more energetic.

Those are the basic ones for the seasons, but i also headcanon adamai to be an ice dragon, which means his tempurature is MUCH lower then the rest of the council’s save for maybe efrim. He needs to be in the sun much more, which could be part of the reason why grougal chose oma island to raise adamai. Another headcanon is that adamai and yugo both have heterochromia!! Yugo has central heterochromia, and Adamai has sectoral heterochromia; his eyes being blue and brown. I also headcanon that he has face markings similar to his mother, but they disappear in his dragon form because he’s closer to his father then.

Um yeah, that’s kind of it for right now, i might add onto these if more come up, but i hope you enjoyed reading!! I rwally love adamai, especially in s3 and up, he’s one of the most well written traumatized character’s i’ve seen, and i ADORE the nuance behind him.

[nyan-tame]

WAKE UP ITS 4 AM IT'S TIME 4 II ACT 3 THEORIES

AND HEADCANONS (with angst)

Im 100% willing 2 bet that these will NOT b real take these theories, predictions, and headcanons with a grain of salt 😭😭😭

ANYWAY

TRIGGER WARNING 4 MENTION OF EATING DISORDERS AND GENDER DYSPHORIA

(ITS ALL IN THE PARAGRAPHS ABT MEPHONE BTW SO U CAN SKIP THAT BUT THERES STILL ANGST)

♡☆♡☆♡☆♡☆♡☆♡☆♡☆♡☆♡☆♡☆♡☆♡☆

mephone will join the shimmers/mephone was masking their shimmer half for years

The shimmers will continue 2 search 4 their lost young and realize that mephone is the 2nd lost shimmer (as revealed last episode) upon realizing this they will get emotional and also apologize 4 what he's been through (even if it's not actually their fault they just really feel bad 4 their child) and take them in to give them the childhood they deserved. This theory ties in with some headcanons i also have.... So cobs says in a flashback (episode 13, i think) that he has no need 2 eat cause he's a machine, right? Well, not exactly, just something along those lines. That's not the case. They're half organic because they are half shimmer. They actually do need 2 eat, but cobs has literally been starving them constantly, thinking that being mostly machine means they'll never be hungry. This is part of the reason mephone thinks they're a "fat slob" and even jokes abt it 2 himself around others but thats just not the case, they quite literally are just fucking hungry. Yes, i think mephone might have an eating disorder. Speaking of shimmers, you know how the other baby shimmer, the green one, was nonbinary implying that the shimmers are a naturally genderless species? I think mephone may also be nonbinary. My evidence? Paintbrush. I think Paintbrush was made as genderless the way they were in season one because cobs thought mephone being nonbinary was like stupid and wrong or something. Mephone projects their grief into humor as their main coping mechanism. Thus, Paintbrush's gender was seen as nothing but a joke 4 a really long time similarly 2 how tissues suffering all the time is seen as a joke and gets no help by his peers which may represent how mephone never got help woth anything even when they really needed it. Paintbrush eventually coming out made mephone feel much safer, something they dont usually feel.. but not safe enough.

The contestants who died by mephone x will get recovered but they won't be completely intact

I highly doubt that everyone is going 2 die permanently. That is not in the nature of inanimate insanity. However, the show LOVESSS 2 make its fandom miserable, so these fellas will not get removed from melife without consequences. The Xed contestants may experience memory problems or will go into a full reset. To make things sadder, I feel like their brains would subconsciously remember the people they had good relationships with even though they themselves don't actually know they've met before. In other words, if anyone sees anyone they had good relations with in a past life, they will subconsciously feel comforted by their presence. Though if these fella do have all their memories intact someone like lightbulb or cheesy will trick a buddy of their into thinking they forgot everything 2 make their friends panic a little just 2 go finger guns at them like "haha got ya" making the audience freak out 4 a moment 2. Who knows, maybe our cast brought someone back wrong, and they did forget everything...

Cobs will DEFINITELY DIE

A while ago on youtube, i think either Brian or Justin made a community tab poll on how many characters would die, 2 being the most popular vote. Literally Mephone wont have a happy ending if that mother fucker doesn't die. I also think the shimmers might kill him last second. But wait! There's another character who is supposed 2 die! I think that's bow, "but Nyan bow is already dead!!" Is what u might b thinking.. and ur PROBABLY RIGHT!!! i accidentally got spoilers 4 only ONE of the permanent deaths (DONT WORRY, NO SPOILERS, YOU JUST GET A LITTLE NUDGE, THE DEATH SPOILER WAS A CONTESTANT) If im still dead set on the fact that cobs will die, it can't be 2 contestants.. at least in my head. Bow, being a ghost and already dead, knows what it's like being dead and won't mind sacrificing herself 4 her friends. Now she can go on 2 the next stage of her afterlife!

ANYWAYSSS THATS ALL BYEBYEBYEBYEBYEBYE!!!

♡☆♡☆♡☆♡☆♡☆♡☆♡☆♡☆♡☆♡☆♡☆♡☆

[beelzeballing]

i am going to need to brute force this, arent i. well. HELLO MUTUALS. youre not going anywhere YOU ARE STAYING RIGHT HERE and i will explain GNOSIA CHARACTERS to you. do with this what you will.

SETSU: nonbinary legend. deutaroganist. very smart and kind but they also throw a guy out of the airlock for being annoying, calling them babe and misgendering them. everyone wants them, fish fear them.

RAQIO/RACIO: nonbinary legend number TWO. know it all little BASTARD. their hobbies include a little trolling, having a superiority complex and betraying their allies if currently convenient. i absolutely adore them.

YURIKO: fucked up cyber space-shrine maiden. LITERALLY yoinks the protagonist's plot armor after the tutorial is over. she is extremely scary

SHIGEMICHI: this is an 80 y/o human man who had an accident as a child and because he had a fucking special interest in aliens or smn like that his dad got him some shiny new skin. which makes him look like a stereotypical alien. hes as silly and goofy as he looks. an absolute FOOL. i love him.

STELLA: the ship AI. just wants to be A Real Boy. PAINFULLY heterosexual but she's very sweet.

JONAS: ship captain. he is so fucked up i dont even know whats wrong with him JUST LOOK AT HIM. fucking SPACE COWBOY. hes a weirdo. he doesn't fit in and he doesn't wanna fit in. i have never seen him without that stupid hat on. thats weird.

KUKRUSHKA: mute but like. i dont fucking know, ~telepathatically~ communicates. something is also wrong with her. one time she asked me to take a bunch of people out for her because she Didnt Trust Them and i did! and then she killed me. cunt. shes also like? a doll???

SQ: canonically a test tube baby. local bisexual gaslight-gatekeep-girlboss. she's a bit of a manipulative bitch but we love her for it.

CHIPIE: LITERALLY cat otherkin. has an entire cat thats been transplanted into his neck to aid with his transition into a cat. i swear to god im not fucking with you.

OTOME: beluga whale. BELUGA WHALE. IN A LITTLE CART. WITH LITTLE MECHANICAL HANDS. ARE YOU SEEING THIS SHIT. HELLO? HELLO??????

i ran out of PICTURES PER POST. I HATE YOU TUMBLR. theres a couple of characters missing (namely sha-ming, gina, comet and remnan) but i made sure to have the most relevant ones here. but tl;dr

sha-ming is the guy who gets thrown out of the airlock for getting on setsu's nerves

gina is literally just some chick

comet is the host for an alien space mold that can break loose and kill everyone on the ship

remnan is honestly more anxiety than man

[calcitedraws]

FENS DIARY

Tw: Mentions of death, suicide, depression, brief mentions of sexuality and Fen being generally sort of creepy and trying to rationionalize it.

Around 2,300 words

This was supposed to be a few entries and I got too invested lol and I use y/n because I'm old school. Also when Fen says 'Im not a girl' that isn't indicating a bio or gender identity I was just including the fact that they're nonbinary.

November 17th

I haven't written in a while, eh? After… what happened I sort of shut down for a while. Even now I want to shut down, but my dad always said I should face things head on. Ok, as my therapist used to say: if I don't know how to word something I should just say it as plainly as I can to get started.

I'm in pain.

I can't sleep I can't eat and I can't fucking breathe. The only person making sure I have a moderately healthy sleep/wake cycle is Dandelion, and even then he doesn't seem to mind if I sleep on the couch all day as long as he's fed.

I'm packing to head down to the funeral and I came by my journal. I don't even know why I'm doing this. This is fucking stupid.

I'm scared of seeing them. I haven't seen my mom or siblings in… 5 odd years? I never even came out to them. I'll have to explain so much that I'm just not in the goddamn mood to. I don't even think they want to see me. Dad told me that once they figured out the whole situation that they didn't take it well.

Dandelion keeps curling up in my suitcase. If he behaved better in crates, I'd bring my little man with. But he chews on the bars and yowls, so I'm leaving him at one of those pet boarding places.

November 19th

I don't want to go tomorrow. I'm sitting here at this shitty hotel desk that's sticky in this shitty hotel room that smells like booze and mothballs. There's a weird mark on the carpet and I can't decide if it's old blood or a shit stain. Either way it's suspiciously big. The people in the other room keep having really loud and bad sounding sex, all the damn time. Like, literally, their headboard is apparently against the same spot as mine, because the thumping keeps me awake. I tried to move my bed and found another stain that I'm convinced is blood. I put the bed back and slept on the tiny couch in the room. I'm pretty sure there's bedbugs on every fabric surface.

OH MY GOD THOSE TWO ASSHATS ARE HAVING SEX AGAIN!!! WHY ARE THEY BLASTING THAT ONE SONG FROM SHREK 2 I HATE THIS HOTEL

November 20

I'm just sitting here. At this sticky desk again. I don't think I can do this. It's 3:30 AM and I can't go back to sleep. Waiting for my sleeping meds to kick in.

My therapist always said that the best time to journal about something is when it's the hardest to think about.

I wish I had someone. I like to think soulmates exist. Maybe Dad was right and that's all horse shit. Maybe I should just throw myself into oncoming traffic instead of going to his funeral.

I've been paying more attention to cars recently. Funny how many look like my dad's.

I think the meds are kicking in? No clue, maybe I'm just too angry to think.

—---------------

It's 8:10 AM and I need to leave in 20 minutes.

I've decided to go, because I owe it to him. I think I'd hate myself more if I didn't go.

What do I even do if I see my mom again? Is she even my mom? Am I allowed to wave if she spots me? Will she even recognize me. I can recognize her. I've been cyber talking her Facebook. Her husband and her just got back from a weekend trip to the Bahamas.

I haven't dared look for my siblings. I miss Sherry.

Had to take a minute to reign myself in.

I'm glad my aunt (my dad's sister) took care of the funeral prep. Shes nice. Haven't talked to her in a half a decade, I should send a nice letter after the funeral.

The thought of coming back to that house alone is killing me. No more face times. No more random phone calls. No more sending him pictures of weird stuff Dandelion did.

I need to head out soon. My hair is greasy. My eyes hurt. I look like shit. But I have to go.

I forgot to charge my phone last night but there should be enough juice in it to get me there and back. Don't know where I'm headed since I've never been here. My dad said I wouldn't like where he lived because it's crowded. Maybe I can just throw myself into oncoming traffic after.

—----------------

I think I met an angel.

I got lost after the funeral and my phone died. I started crying in the middle of the side walk like some fucking weirdo when I spotted them.

They were so cute, in their cozy sweater and jeans. They asked what was wrong and I said I was lost and that my phone died.

They actually lead me back to the hotel! Apparently they live here in the city too but near the outskirts. I never got their name, I'm such a fucking idiot.

I've always felt like there's been a wall between me and other people. But with them… I didn't feel that. I felt I had known them all my life.

Shit, here I am rambling about someone I just met after going to my dad's funeral.

It was awkward. Like, painfully awkward. No one approached me. My dad's funeral was closed casket, which all things considered, makes sense. But I felt like if I opened that casket it'd be empty. It was a weird feeling.

I didn't know any of his friends and only Sherry showed up to the funeral. I don't know why but that somehow made everything worse. Sherry couldn't even look at me. I didn't stick around long afterwards. She looks so different from when I last saw her (why did she go blonde?) but I recognized her instantly.

I'm packing up to head home. I technically don't need to go until tomorrow but the longer I stay here the more I feel the need to itch the back of my throat with a shotgun. At least at home I can cry into Dandelions fluffy belly.

January 8th

—------------------

Guess who's forced me out of rotting in my bed? My boss threatening to fire me if I don't log on and do my job!

A fair point, but fuck him anyway.

I said I'd log on today and he seemed satisfied.

So here I am instead, procrastinating. I can't keep my eyes open for very long. I mean, I logged on and have been reading meeting notes. That's progress.

Dandelion has been very accommodating with allowing me to randomly pick him up and cry loudly into his fur.

Oh! I found a new cat! Her name is Queenie and she's a little black cat. I found her right outside the hotel I was staying at before the funeral. I thought she had that lethal cat bloat I had heard about, but she was just really pregnant! Like, ready to pop pregnant. She gave birth on Christmas and now I have a small army of tiny black and orange kittens! I woke up to 6 of them on Christmas morning. They're all so small and cute and they won't stop meowing very very loudly. I got Queenie spayed as quickly as I could afterwards.

Queenie warmed up to my quickly despite being a stray. I named her that because she's a little diva. The amount of times I had to separate her and Dandelion from fighting over mutually favorited spots is well, embarrassing since these are two adults. But now? Queenie just lays on top of Dandelion and he seems to enjoy it.

Why am I jealous of two cats?

January 15th

—----------------

Oh my God I found them. The person who saved me and lead me back to the hotel, I found them!

Ok, so, I'm a penetration tester, which means I hack into systems. It's boring so I never talk about it. But, the job we were handed made us pen test a random hospital and I found them! They went in for a checkup recently and I found their data while spelunking! I took a picture of their government ID before I could stop myself.

I can't believe I found them! I clicked on a random name because I liked the way it looked and it leads me right to them! I know it's them, because the ID card looks like them and says they live near where they said they did.

I've been looking at our star signs. I also found their social media and they're so chatty! I think they just think their friends are watching because they post sporadically. I scrolled through everything I could find during my lunch break.

Oh my God I sound insane. This is insane and totally illegal. I need to step back and calm down.

January 25th

—----------

I tried!! Couldn't step back couldn't calm down. I've been cyber talking a stranger for like, a week now.

But I've come to a revelation: I'm very greasy. I haven't showered in… no clue to be honest. I only realized because I accidentally leaned against the sliding glass door and my head left a strong imprint on the glass.

I haven't changed my bedsheets in a while either. Or vacuumed, or cleaned the kitchen, or swept the patio. So instead of any of that I have spent the entire afternoon paralyzed on the couch in sustained fear. Dandelion has joined me.

February 4th

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I finally got fed up of being greasy and took an actual shower instead of sitting under the water staring at the floor and disassociating for like, half an hour. The sheer amount of dead skin I scrubbed off is embarrassing.

*Y/n* (the name of my angel) talked about spring cleaning early online. They even have the link to their favorite songs to listen to while cleaning. I recognize some of the songs but most of them are new to me. Maybe if I listen to the playlist it'll make me want to clean?

Update: It did. Managed to clean the kitchen and living room before getting tired. Maybe I should start working out again…?

Feb 14th

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Y/n is single! (Very good information to know)

When I clean I just put y/n’s play list on and I'm suddenly full of energy.

I think it eases the loneliness. I miss my dad.

Feb 20th

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I've discovered something about myself that I can't unlearn. I think I have a praise kink?? I was watching my favorite show with Dandelion and one of the characters that kind of looks y/n said ‘good girl' to the main character and. I got so horny I had to pause the show and sit in silence. I'm not even a girl. What the fuck just happened? I think the cats know because they've been staring at me judgementally all afternoon.

March 1st

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Lasagna is my enemy.

April 29th

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It was my dad's birthday yesterday. He would've been 46 today.

I sort of shut down for the entire month, again. House is a fucking mess. Only think I can manage is taking care of the cats, who don't seem to mind the mess.

I just wish I had someone. The house is pretty quiet. Sometimes I put the TV on to avoid how quiet it is. I miss talking to my dad, about literally anything. The weather, what my cats were up to, about my dad's new girlfriend of the week, literally anything. I miss how funny he was. I remember when I was in secondary school how him and I would watch TV every Friday night and eat Mac n cheese from the box.

May 1st

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I think I'm in love with y/n?? Is that a thing you can do? I had a dream we went on a date to a coffee shop and then we went home and made dinner and I kept making them laugh and smile and when I woke up I just burst out sobbing. I literally couldn't calm down for who knows how long.

But I want something like that! I want it so badly! I want to make them dinner while they talk with me! I want to cozy up to them on the couch while watching a movie! I want to hear them breathe next to me at night!

So I might've done something maybe unethical. I located their IP Address. Which isn't bad since I already know their physical address and their safe with me and it's not like it's illegal to find it!

May 10th

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So I did something stupid. I did something really fucking stupid I hacked into their email. All it took was a phishing scheme and bam, I was in. And Lord knows how everything is connected to emails nowadays. I'm a criminal now. I've been reading their emails for like, three hours. I mean… the government can like totally see your emails so it's not that big of a deal?? Right???

Oh my God I'm a criminal now!

But I'm learning so much!

May 18th

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The time has come. Queenies kittens have all found new homes, I can't have all these cats in the house. But I kept my favorite kitten; Cali, the little calico. Short of Hotel California, My dad's favorite song.

Cali is a menace against society. He's chewn through wires, eaten pillows, and I've had to take him to the vet twice for eating batteries. I don't think another family can handle him.

I like to think he gets this from Dandelion, who despite being well over ten years old still chews on wooden furniture.

June 19th

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I've been trying to find a way to say this that doesn't sound bad. But like, I literally can't? So I'll just say it.

I broke into y/n’s phone.

I'm not doing anything bad! I just want to see what they're up to! I won't use this to hurt them so it isn't bad, is it?

I've been watching them play candy crush for 45 minutes. They're bad at candy crush but something about that is so cute! I've downloaded candy crush. Maybe I can play the same levels at the same time as them…?

I've also been eating meals with them. They watch stuff on their phone as they eat and I've started eating at a regular schedule again. But their diet sucks so much?? Why the fuck are they eating gas station sushi so often? I'm scared they'll get worms!!

July 1st

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What if my cats tell me neighbor I got high???

July 2nd

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So um, I tried edibles for the first time yesterday. You'll never guess how it went.

Anyways, high me decided that cleaning the entire house was their sole mission. Thank you, high me.

July 19th

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I finally gathered the courage to go into my old room.

I only had the attic room because everyone had their own rooms and I was sick of sharing with Sherry. So, my dad fixed up the attic and gave that room to me for my 10th birthday. When everyone left, I took over Sherry's old room. Mom only left the mattress and headboard, so it didn't feel like Sherry's anymore. All that's left is the thumbtacks from her old posters.

Anyway, my old room is just how I left it. Dusty, but the same. I even found Howie, my old plushie! I took all of Howie's stuffing out and it's in the wash right now, but they still have the old lavender satchet I put in them. I don't know what to replace it with, to be honest.