#what the fuck is going on anymore?
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lotta Gove a jood gelly-dilled fonut, amn
Thinking about jelly-filled donuts
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what if i broke all the bones in your legs actually
#ramble#please let this be a fucking joke#i cannot imagine being this out of touch#YEAH IT'S ALMOST LIKE ART TAKES FUCKING EFFORT AND THE MAJORITY OF PEOPLE DO ENJOY IT ACTUALLY#the phrase 'labour of love' exists for a reason#i sat and watched my grad film on repeat for days when it was done bc i was so proud that my hundreds of hours paid off#I DON'T MAKE ART TO SIT AND LOOK AT IT#I MAKE IT BECAUSE I PUT TIME AND LOVE INTO IT AND I GET TO LOOK AT IT AND BE LIKE I MADE THAT WITH MY HANDS!!! AND MY BRAIN#GOD FORBID YOU PUT A SECOND OF WORK INTO ANYTHING IN YOUR FUCKING LIFE ANYMORE YOU USELESS FUCK????#i'm so sorry i'm unreasonably mad about this#is it crazy for me to say that you should have to do some things in your life?????? god forbid you read your own emails#what are you DOING how fucking LAZY can you be????#and that is NOT a word i ever want to use but this is the DEFINITION of lazy#kids with adhd aren't lazy. tech bros wanting the exact same things that people have worked years for at the push of a button are lazy#i actually need to go and put my face in grass i'm so upset#thankfully. basically every musician who saw this shut it the fuck down and told him he was an idiot so that's nice
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When Schrodinger was talking about the cat in box that's both alive and dead, he was talking about Kalina. She's a goddess's familiar, she's a plague, she worked for Fantasy MI6, she died, she came back, she got rage stared, she snapped her own neck, she came back as the companion for a god borne from a Fantasy Mormon child's misplaced belief. She's alive and dead, good and evil. She worked tirelessly for 800 years towards one goal and then fucking abandoned it (maybe.) Her goddess thinks she can fix her. Her goddess's wife always hated her. She is everyone's problem at all times and holy shit is she a Problem. What a fucking legend.
#what a pussy#i can't not damnnit#i will make pussy kalina jokes until the day i fucking die#anyway what the fuck#like... seriously though#what is her fucking deal#like i say i want to know but i don't actually want to know#if you know what's going on in the box it's not Schrodinger's cat anymore#d20#dimension 20#fantasy high#fhjy#fhjy spoilers#fantasy high junior year#kalina
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his one-sided love for life
#yes ik the caption's corny but come on. come on it's fucking sanji what more do you expect#i tried to make his features kinda hint towards taz's but ultimately i think he just kinda turned out his own way???#idk man i streamed painting him like 3 times idk what's going on w this painting anymore#one piece#op#art#illustration#nettillust#sanji#black leg sanji#one piece sanji#opla
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III
#my art#crunchchute art#postal#postal dude#postal 3#postal 3 dude#ourgh i hope i like this in the morning cause im exhausted#i see what else id redo but i cant work on this anymore id go on for hours n hours#again it looks odd on my second monitor. sucks. anyway#thinking about posting it to reddit too just to fuck with the haters but probably not#they dont deserve that#the angle is weird because i started with no bg and everything up in air then i was editing it to make him sit on the ground#so ignore the proportions
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while i'm imperialposting. imperial dragon lore that makes me want to tear my hair out. web weave
#lich says shit#all of this info is from the wiki or links from the wiki btw. you can learn these things. for free#take my hand. you too can be sick about a species of dragon from hit browser game flight rising. that isnt real and nobody knows about#flight rising#fr#fr imperial#the raising a family short story is so upsetting to me. what#'would never be separated again' ok..... im fine and doing good. starts sweating blood#also that FUCKING lightweaver quote...#imperials bbies you deserve better than her. yes im a light flight bitch yes im a lightweaver hater yes we exist#is this stuff common knowledge among flight rising players???? are the majority of FRers going about their days knowing this stuff????#going to baldwin's knowing about imperial burial rites. going to tomo's knowing about that one lightweaver quote. going to swipp's kn#knowing about 'there's a reason they don't live at the beacon anymore'. doing my fucking archaeology knowing about luminax backstory.......
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me, a responsible being, working on the coding project as I should vs. me, a dysfunctional shithead, getting distracted by reading about brains (once aGAIN damnit (it's my favorite "I need to study my field but bc I should do that it's an impossible unthinkable feat now, so I'm reading about something else to fool my brain I'm still being productive"-topic))
#but after my thesis me & brains have been on a break bc got tired reading abt them during that (bc I had a topic that sorta allowed me to#sidetrack to brain stuff also) but seems I'm over the brain overload now#yay? i guess#also no one who actually studies medicine/brains/etc. yell at me abt wikipedia and like ''why are u studying that like that''#I'm just going through the wikipedia & reading article abstracts path; nothing serious#also my procrastination has reached inhuman levels like it's a full-time job now#bc I have like a chill week's worth of work to do and then I've done the courses for my bachelor's degree#but sending in that ''heyy i'm done with the courses let me graduate''-thing fills me up with sO MUCH anxiety & dread I'm working so slow#now (even tho couldn't send that in for like a month bc gotta first wait the courses to be graded and stuff so in actuality I should#not be slowing down even a bit bc I need to finally be done with this damn degree asap; gotta move on and should've ages ago (it's actually#super bad how late I'm with it (1.5 mf years jesus christ; I'm not even like a little bit proud abt getting a degree anymore like I'm sorta#just embarrassed if I have to tell ppl like ''yea I graduated'' bc dude ?? only now?? u were supposed to be done with that 1.5year#ago what have u been doing (fuck if I know) so I'm keeping it like ''if anyone asks'' basis)))#(the tags and parantheses started a life of their own lol sorry abt that)#studyblr#studyspo#bookblr#booklr#study#november 2024#2024
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I'm so tired of feeling like this.
#actually mentally ill#depressing shit#mental health#sorry for being depressing#anxi4ty#cw vent#i cant take this shit anymore#im going to kms#im losing it#ready to kms#depressing life#kill my life#why am i like this#i wanna kms#kms#i want to kms#what is wrong with me#i hate this#what the fuck#i dont get it#i hate everything#i dont care anymore#fuck everything#mentally fucked#i have no mouth and i must scream#woke up feeling more lost and out of touch with myself.. my surroundings and my partner all in the span of a night.. what the hell..#mentally exhausted#im a horrible person#mentally unstable#bed rotting
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in an au where jason is going to college while doing red hood stuff, i just think it would be funny if a reconciliation between him and bruce gets kickstarted all because talia got invited to go to his college graduation and bruce didn’t even know that jason was in college or that he was graduating college until talia called him up just to brag about it.
#batman#dc comics#dc universe#dcu#red hood#jason todd#jason peter todd#batfamily#bruce wayne#talia al ghul#jason todd au#dc#jason todd dc#crack au#imagine being bruce wayne and having to deal with the fact that your ex/the mother of your child knows more your estranged son than you do#talia al ghul is the goat#jason todd and bruce wayne#the fact that jason is so willing to tell talia all the things going on in his life and not bruce must irk bruce really bad lmao#before anyone gets any ideas i do love bruce it’s just fun to dunk on him (it’s how i show my love)#lmaooo#batfam crack au#damian is listening to bruce bitch and moan about it and is totally on jason’s side because he’s a true mama’s boy and he does the same#damian wayne#dc crack#when bruce goes to complain to jason jason just blinks and tells him that he thought that bruce already knew because he’s a stalker#after finding out that bruce was not stalking his every move jason starts fake crying bc does that mean bruce doesn’t love him anymore#idk i just think it’s funny when the batkids fake cry just to fuck with bruce#batfam#bruce wayne after having kids: peace? i don’t know her?#the batkids should get to terrorize that old man (bruce not alfred btw) every chance they get it’s what they deserve lmao
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"I have something to tell you."
↳ requested by the lovely @malec4everr ♡
#high school frenemy#high school frenemy ep11#saintshin#saint x shin#shinsaint#shin x saint#skynani#sky wongravee#nani hirunkit#gmmtv#thai drama#gif request#YO#im not watching this anymore but like what in the fuck is going on????#like this is insane????#@gmmtv if yall dont give them the romance they deserve next year im throwing hands fr
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do any other artists feel like. yeah you're a 'good artist' because you draw things that look nice, but like. TECHNICALLY? you're really not great
i really hate that i can recognise that yes, my art is good, but is it VARIED? is it dynamic?? is my anatomy good? is it full of texture and colour theory? do i know how to do This? can i do That? no, not really. and that's quite painful actually
#ramble#yes this is the artist's perspective bs and yes this is anxiety because it's 1am#and yes i'm forever learning and growing but also#aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.#drawing my little guys is fun but i am not good enough for the industry right now and that fucking sucks#i really feel like if i walked into a studio with my portfolio right now they would laugh at me#one of those days where i wish i'd done a more useful degree y'know#i'm going back through the phase where i don't know what i'm going to be anymore and it's scary#some days i really want to give it up and never draw again and do something worthwhile because i Know my life would be easier#and i hate that something i love so much makes me feel so hopeless#signs that i should go to bed ^^^^#i will resume my pity party tomorrow
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you ever just have a lot, a LOT of feelings all at once about a character and not even remotely enough words or brainpower to FORM the words to describe everything you're feeling. so it feels like you may explode. yeah
#sorry i got really into my feelings about mark hoffman again#the very specific version of him in my brain that i really really wish i had the time and energy to properly share with you guys#saw#well until i muster the energy to explode all of my feelings out into a fic. if you want to TRY and understand#know that my three biggest hoffman fic insps right now are as follows#your best kept secret hoffman. a series of mistakes hoffman. and rushed like a dreadful wind hoffman.#there is a very clear throughline just know i am extremely emotionally compromised rn#thinking about theee fics vs the canon path hoffman spirals down#something something the absolute tragedy of watching a man's descent into madness#the transformation of a man into a monster#and what could have saved him from himself and kramer's corruption#sorry i'm rambling so much oh my god i was just having such a crying fit out of nowhere about this#do you think he could feel it happening. do you think he was aware he was losing his mind.#the script version of him fucks with me so bad. the crazed rankings and the longer hair and him not being well kept anymore#it's impossible to think he didn't know he was deteriorating#fuuuck okay i need to either chill or write a whole longfic rn#i project on that guy so much i truly don't know if i could properly write my vision of him#until i do something more substantial the full extent of my hoffman exists for me and my boyfriend only. they get me like no one else#well ginny and jenna also get me. please read best kept secret and a series of mistakes Oh My God#where am i going with this. i like tag rambling actually this is a nice way to do it without forcing EVERYONE to read my delirium#anyways if you've read all of this i think i love you? feel free to dm me about hoffman and my very specific headcanons and aus#maybe soon i'll try and start writing my fics about this tragic man#i could never say any of this on twitter btw they'd string me up for my opinions on him as a sad wet beast who could have been fixed#if only he hadn't been weaponized first#god i'm too tired to even be as embarrassed about this as i should be. thought i unlearned cringe already#but i've been spending way too much time on twitter and they HAAATE hoffman there#rip. i know it's not that serious but i'm sensitive rn and hate feeling lonely in my thoughts#ok bye for real otherwise i'll never shut up. i might tag ramble more often bc this was therapeutic in a way i needed badly#cat chat
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working at a grocery store has only made me even angrier about inflation and how food, water, and shelter isnt free
like just looking at groceries (not water or shelter) i see just a few bags (maybe around 5 or so) of food costing over $125 USD regularly. I've seen orders upwards of $600. and sure those have been bigger orders but no food should cost that much.
my coworkers and i shouldn't be complaining about the price of food when we get employee discounts.
a single bag of food for myself (usually containing some small pizzas, crackers, milk, and cereal) regularly costs between $50-60. minimum wage in my state is 15/HR. thats about four hours of work for one bag of food
a coworker who works on the front end of our store prides herself on being able to catch theives. everyone says how good she is at it. and sometimes it makes sense, sometimes people are just stealing to steal. but how do you ever know?
when the card reader we take outside is broken we are supposed to have the customers come inside to pay for their groceries if they're paying with EBT. there's a woman who's a regular who has a few small children and when she comes to pick up groceries they're usually asleep in the car.
am i supposed to make her choose between leaving her children alone in the car or waking them up and taking them inside?
four hours of work for one bag of groceries. is this not also theft?
four hours of work. let that sink in. four hours for one small bag of groceries.
we aren't supposed to accept tips but if we don't accept tips then how else are we supposed to afford our groceries?
i haven't seen a single person stealing food. you cannot steal whats already stolen.
although im no longer a christian, the teachings of my childhood have stuck with me, and in the bible it says "When you reap the harvest of your land, do not reap to the very edges of your field or gather the gleanings of your harvest. Leave them for the poor and for the foreigner residing among you."
society has reaped right up the the very edge and beyond of its fields, so it's up to us to reap what we can
four hours of work for one bag of food
#kitty talks#idk what to tag this as#im just so fucking mad#no one can afford to eat anymore#all of our money is going towards constant genocides#food should be free#water should be free#shelter should be free#i dont even know if this post is coherent im just *angry*#no one should have to beg for basic necessities#there's a poem in this somewhere#theres a poem in the woman with the few months old baby who had to come in to take stuff off her order#because WIC didnt cover it all
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DO YOU THINK MAYBE IN-HO REALLY WANTED GI-HUN TO LEAVE AND GO VISIT GA-YEONG NOT JUST TO HAVE HIM AWAY FROM THE GAMES BUT ALSO BECAUSE IN-HO CAN NEVER HAVE WHAT GI-HUN STILL DOES?? A CHILD?!! DO YOU THINK IN-HO TOLD GI-HUN TO BOARD THAT PLANE BECAUSE IF HIS WIFE AND CHILD HAD SURVIVED IN-HO WOULD HAVE BOARDED!! THAT!! PLANE?!!?!!!!! DO YOU- DO YOU THNIK HHHHHHHhhhh
#i'm gonna pass out#and gayeong is only a little older than inhos child would have been#look look i think maybe#i think#if his wife hadn't died he very likely would not have become the frontman#family is so important to inho#and he can't have it anymore#hell he can't even have his brother or stepmother anymore#and then there is this man this good kind man and he THROWS AWAY his chance to finally be happy with his daughter THAT HE STILL HAS#just to FIND INHO#can't even begin to comprehend what inho must've felt#he was probably freaking out flipping his shit because THIS MAN DECIDED TO NOT GO SEE HIS DAUGHTER AND INSTEAD FIND HIM#DO YOU THINK IN SOME FUCKED UP WAY INHO FELT GOOD AND WANTED??????#WHAT DO YOU THINK AHHHHHH????(#anywaysss#lea's random thoughts#seong gi hun#hwang in ho#seong ga yeong#457#inhun#gihun x inho#squid game#tw caps#seong gihun#hwang inho#i'm talking about the airport scene at the end of s1 btw if that wasn't obvious
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im still applying for jobs, ive applied for state assistance as well but theyre taking their time with approving it. i have bills coming up soon, at the very least i need enough to pay my electric bill bc theyre threatening to shut it off 😬 if anyone has anything they can spare itd be greatly appreciated. im transmasc and i have no family to rely on for this kind of thing. i also have commissions available, dm me for info
vnm: tobias_leviathan
pp: paypal.me/bewearr
thank you 🙏💕
#idk what the secret to applying to jobs is but something is fucked up lately and i cant even get a stupid fast food job#ive applied to so many and got rejected by all of them or just straight up ignored#and thats WITH calling every few days to check up on it#i get either ignored or sent to a bot that just tells me to apply online or the manager has no clue whats going on#ive applied to at least 50 jobs this month and last month not a SINGLE one has given me the time of day#ive been to 4 interviews and got a few callbacks but theyre all dead ends#i dont know what to do anymore. ive been focusing hardcore on art so thats something but ive been working on my backlog and not making money#im just so frustrated and hopeless idk what to even do anymore. ive signed up for temp agencies even and they never have any jobs#its stupid that i HAVE a job but they refuse to give me hours. this is genuinely worse than being unemployed
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So I've said multipe times now (here and here) that thinking nmj is just so blinded by privilege he doesn't undertand that acting out of line gets people killed is, in my opinion, a misunderstanding of his character that ignores the part where he's, you know, actively dying the whole time and thinks that's a good thing. But that doesn't mean I don't think privilege plays no role at all in how he views the world.
Specifically, his view that death (at least premature or violent death) means something.
Death isn't always a tragedy to NMJ, but it is always meaningful. If you kill an evil dangerous person for your righteous cause, that death had meaning. There was evil in the world and now there is less of it. Similarly, if you die in the pursuit of your righteous cause, that death has meaning, because the sheer dedication you gave to it that you were willing to die for it will further that cause, and your bretheren will be invigorated by your sacrifice to fight even harder.
If a death isn't meaningful, that's an injustice and it is up to the living to give it meaning. That's what cuts so deep about his father's murder. There were no consequences, no changes, no meaning. Wen Ruohan was just going to get away with it! He fights and wins an entire war to make it mean something, to make it so that the unjust murder of Nie Mingjue's father is part of Wen Ruohan's downfall.
But this is a view he can only hold because he's the kind of person who's death will be meaningful. Most ordinary people's deaths are meaningless. Not ontologically, not inherently, but they are made meaningless because no one cares. For death to be meaningful you either have to be so powerful that anything you risk your life for will be impacted in some way. (Like, say, if you sacrifice a long life for immense martial power in a faustian bargain with a blade) Or if people with that kind of power care enough about you to do so for you. For most people, this isn't true. A starving street kid has no power to change the unfair world that put them there, even if they risk their life trying, and no one will do it for them once they die.
Nie Mingjue knows this in abstract, and of course rightfully believes it's wrong. But all that does is make it yet another righteous cause people should be willing to die for. Everyone's deaths should mean something, we'll make it so or die trying!
This is what the conflict between nieyao is about at its core. Because Jin Guangyao, fundamentally, cannot conceive of his own death as meaningful. Nie Mingjue grew up around powerful men who could change the world but refuse to do so because god forbid they risk a single hair on their perfect heads. Meng Yao, on the other hand, grew up in an environment where no one of importance would blink twice if you died. He was surrounded by meaningless death. Indeed his entire early life is defined by that lack of care.
Meng Shi dies and no one cares. Meng Yao gets thrown off a flight off stairs and no one cares. He has to be the one to do the caring, and once he's gone no one else will do it for him.
So he has to live.
Jin Guangyao eventually gets far enough that he actually does aquire the power to change some things... as long as he's alive. If he changes too much, holds on too tightly to his ideals, he'll die and it'll all be for nothing. He can't sacrifice himself for his goals because doing so would immediately render those goals unobtainable. No one will care about what he tried to do. He won't be a heroic sacrifice, he'll just be trash that finally cleaned itself up.
And well... Nie Mingjue dies, and someone makes it mean something. Makes it mean so much that the entire story of mdzs would not exist without it. Jin Guangyao dies and it doesn't mean anything. Most people are glad to be rid of him, and the few that are not don't do anything to change that.
#mdzs#mdzs meta#nie mingjue#jin guangyao#meng yao#nieyao#of course the inherent tragedy is that nmj is totally THE guy to ask if you want your death to mean something#nmj's reaction the the fact that most ppl's deaths are meaningless is to go: yes and I should change this.#If everyone thought like me this wouldn't happen anymore I simply need to get EVEN MORE HARDCORE about justice to MAKE them care#and this quality- which makes him the one person perhaps capable of making jgy's death mean something- also makes him a threat to his life#so jgy kills him because he needs to live. And then his beliefs about the meaninglessness of his own death are doomed to be true#what else was he supposed to do? just die and TRUST that someone would make it mean something?#like his mother trusted that his father would come back for them?#of course he can't do that.#just like how nmj's upbringing means that by the stairs he can't see how jgy- son of a sect leader and extremely capable-#is any different from the men who wrung their hands and told him that wen ruohan is just *too powerful* they can't do anything about him.#(*guy who killed wrh and wil go on to kill jgs voice* i just can't do anything about my dad being evil)#if jgy had agreed to risk his life and asked nmj to make it mean something if he died nmj would have said yes.#which is why he can't understand jgy wouldn't just ASK that.#jgy meanwhile has not been informed that was a fucking option and if he was wouldnt be able to trust that it'd actually happen.#for reasons outlined above#ahhh tragedy and inability of characters to understand each other i love you
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