#what i'm trying to say is IT DEPENDS | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

tiredandoptimistic · 2 days ago

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What I really enjoy about Luke and Maryse's interactions in City of Ashes is that they clearly grew up separate from each other. Both of them are in their late thirties, but they hold this image in their heads of who the other was when they were teenagers, when they were enthralled by Valentine's hateful rhetoric.

From how he describes them to Clary, it's clear that Luke looks down on the Lightwoods. He says that they were Valentine's closest lieutenants and the most dedicated to his doctrine, and yet he ignores the fact that he was Valentine's second-in-command for most of the Circle's existence. He knows that he had doubts at the time and then grew into a kind and accepting adult, but Robert and Maryse appeared dedicated to Valentine from the outside and have been separate from Luke ever since, so to him they must still be as cruel as they ever were. He sees himself as superior because he got out first, but forgets that he stuck around until Valentine literally told him to kill himself, while Robert and Maryse surrendered to the Clave voluntarily.

Then there's Maryse, who's still bitter over Luke's betrayal. Not because he turned against Valentine, but because he and Jocelyn set a trap that ended with every member of the Circle (other than the Lightwoods, Hodge, and Michael) being killed by the combined forces of the Clave and the Downworlders. Of course Maryse is being pretty hypocritical here, since she was fully in on the plan to murder a bunch of unarmed diplomats, but she does have a point that Luke and Jocelyn did nothing to protect their former friends. Their plan saved lives in the long run, but it resulted in far more bloodshed that night than Valentine's simple massacre.

After Valentine's supposed death, Jocelyn, Luke, Robert, and Maryse all went into a sort of retirement in New York City. For Luke and Jocelyn it was their mundane employment and for Maryse and Robert is was their place as Institute heads, but both couples spent fifteen years raising their kids and learning to be better people. By the time we see them in TMI, all four former circle members had come to terms with how atrocious Valentine had been and dedicated themselves to doing better with their adult lives, but since it happened in relative isolation, they all still remember each other as they were at age twenty. To Maryse, Luke is still the man who left his friends to die, and to Luke, Maryse is still the woman who stuck by a murderer until the end.

I just think it's very interesting that there are so few survivors of the Circle left in 2007, and barely any of them communicate with each other at all. Amatis was left alone in Idris, Hodge felt so abandoned by the Clave that he went back to Valentine, Robert and Maryse trapped themselves in a loveless marriage rather than give up the illusion of stability they'd built for their kids, Luke and Jocelyn denied their past until it came to find them, and Michael was killed with his family in a scheme that would never have worked if a single person came to check up on him in the ten years Valentine inhabited his life. They could have found a community through this common experience, but instead they saw each other as monsters for the things they all did.

#i say that i was the secret treasons (and i do) but a lot of what i find fascinating about the circle depends upon their adult lives #luke and maryse both love their kids more than anything and see each other as the hateful youths from whom their family should be protected #i might be repeating myself a lot but whatever #i am having thoughts #by the way in case it wasn't clear #i adore both luke and maryse (but especially maryse) as characters and i think they're both great parents #i also love robert and jocelyn #morally gray characters who did awful things but are trying to do better <3 #i might have the timeline wrong for michael but i'm pretty sure that he wasn't at the circle's attack on the accords #and then valentine killed him eliza and jonathan while they were at home that night #so he could burn their bodies alongside jocelyn's parents in fairchild manor #the shadowhunter chronicles #shadowhunters #tsc #the mortal instruments #the secret treasons #luke garroway #luke graymark #maryse trueblood #maryse lightwood #robert lightwood #jocelyn fairchild #valentine morgenstern #oh boy i barely even touched on hodge and amatis but you better believe i've got thoughts about them too #my analysis

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vanmarkus · 4 months ago

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some of you might be unhappy to hear this but an interview mentioning that Eddie would want to hang out with his bestie of 7 years and the guy he hung out with at least 3 times a week and who he introduced to his son within weeks of knowing him, when said son no longer lives with (or speaks to) him, especially during a time he isn't dating 2 women simultaneously, being alone bar his coworkers and friends who are clearly very busy with other things...

all of that has nothing to do with one ship or another and maybe for once we could just acknowledge that he is his own character, more than ever before probably and just not act like there is something weird about that or as if it Must Have romantic intentions one way or another

the man is lonely you all, ofc he's gonna lean on the people he's still got left, it's the least surprising thing ever

#i said this before but i feel like a lot of you don't care about the characters just need some kind of confirmation of one ship or another #i'm not trying to be salty but you are just looking for a reason to be upset #like there is a huge difference between reading into canon events such as eddie giving the guardianship to buck #and an interview saying what anyone with a smidgen of social experience already knew #and like i'm not even saying that eddie having romantic feelings for buck or vica versa is out of the question #you all know that i think tim might take that route eventually depending on how long the show will run on and what opportunities he'll get #what i'm saying is that this interview gave zero indication of it regardless of it ever happening or not #anyway #i don't even wanna tag this but whatever i guess let's bring on the disagreeing crowd it's been a while lmao #eddie diaz #911 #911 abc #ramblings #my stuff

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starry-bi-sky · 7 months ago

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i have... ✨Danyal Al Ghul Headcanons✨ but specifically for my yaelokre danyal oneshot

There's also the tumblr post here but I recommend the link in the title because its the ao3 version, and that one is edited and has some stuff in it that's not in the tumblr post, and will be the version I'm using.

So for summary: this Danyal is also from a Demon Siblings Au where Danny is five years older than Damian. However, things turned out a bit differently, and Danny and Damian had a fantastic relationship with one another. Danny loved music and regularly came up with songs to sing to Damian with. Specifically the folk band Yaelokre's EP "Hayfields" (seriously go fucking listen to it its sooo good. Harpy Hare is the second song but its my favorite. Special shoutout to @gascansposts for introducing the band to me)

He falls off a train when he's twelve and Damian is seven while the two of them and Talia are on mission. He ends up with magically induced amnesia and wakes up in Arkansas while the Fentons are on their yearly Divorce-iversary visit to Aunt Alica, and since he can only remember his name, he ends up being taken into their care.

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Yaelokre Danny has the same facial scar as Things in Threes Danyal, since he was initially another version of him where things turned out better. I'm debating on whether or not I should take it away however, and give him a different scar (maybe from when he fell off the train?), just because the scar is a pretty key identifier for Ti3 Danyal.

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Danny frequently visits Aunt Alicia in Arkansas! Well, only after he gets settled in and stuff. He doesn't really like the city that much and prefers the countryside where Alicia lives. I know she lives in a cabin but I'm changing it to a farm, so she puts Danny to work and gets him to help her.

I don't want to confine his hobbies to only being star stuff, because people tend to have more than one hobby and I feel like it reduces him to one-dimensionality, so he likes to garden, and learns guitar. His room becomes filled with plants, and he turns their roof into a rooftop greenhouse right below to OPS Center.

He has a complex relationship with the weapons from his past, but he's not... like... appalled by it? When he finds his weapons in the Fenton attic all he thinks is that they're his weapons, and he starts carrying a knife on him afterwards. Essentially he becomes fascinated with weaponry because its one of the few physical ties he has to his past, and while he's not training like he is in the League, he allows his strong muscle memory to guide him through his katas.

Danny likes climbing things. This causes Problems For Everyone Else.

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Danny was not the "kinder Al Ghul" in the League. His kindness extended to his brother and family, and that's it. To everyone else he had high expectations out of them, and the pride you'd expect from the grandson of Ra's Al Ghul and trained by its top members. While he wasn't like, unnecessarily cruel or anything, he wasn't merciful either.

This transfers post-train fall as him coming off as no-nonsense and unforgiving. He's not fond of the idea of giving people second chances, and is skeptical of the idea. He's disgusted by incompetency and views it as an unforgivable offense, especially if he thinks that the person should know better, although he's not sure why. Some egocentrism for the soul.

He doesn't like being touched by anyone who isn't family, and gets irritated when anyone grabs him or holds onto him for extended amounts of time. Dash has gotten hit so many times. With Jack Fenton's tendency for abrupt physical affection, it doesn't make it any better. I'd argue it'd make it worse because Danny doesn't want to be touched more often than not.

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Danyal had a red scarf in the League that he wore on his last mission, it came off before he fell off and caught itself on the roof. Damian still has it and took it with him to Wayne Manor. He's got it locked in his room and takes it out when he's alone and missing Danny the most. One time he forgot to put it away before leaving his room, and Dick was visiting the manor for something and found it. Damian found him holding it and freaked out.

Dick could only say "I've never seen you wear this, Damian, this is really pretty--" before Damian shoved him to the floor and stole it out of his hands, before screaming at him; "Don't touch this! You don't ever touch this! This is mine! You hear me!?"

It caused such a commotion that the rest of the family present came to see what the fuss was about, and Damian kicked them all out of his room. Dick is the one brother Damian's the closest with, so the fact he reacted so strongly shocked them all.

This is likely what leads to the "Danyal" conversation.

#dpxdc #danny fenton is not the ghost king #dp x dc #dpxdc crossover #dp x dc crossover #danyal al ghul au #yaelokre danny #yaelokre danyal al ghul #the yaelokre danny post didn't really go into him interacting with other people but i'm trying to figure out his personality post amnesia #just know this: he's not canon danny. im spitefully refusing to make him a Cookie Cutter of canon danny because the idea pisses me off lmao #he's complex and confused and morally gray even with the amnesia bc memories aren't stored in one part of the brain they're stored #in different parts depending on the memory and muscle memory exists and danny might not actively remember the things that shaped him but hi #body does. and somewhere deep in his mind so does his brain. his memories weren't destroyed theyre locked away in a place where his active #conscious can't reach. plus its magic amnesia and i have comic AND cartoon realism on my side.#danny's personality from the league doesn't get challenged that much by the fentons because danny's learning this about himself just as muc #as they are. Jazz can't “Fix” what's wrong with him when neither of them know it and Danny is always the first to figure it out and then #keeps it to himself. Also. Jazz has a fucking life? she's not the family therapist she has friends and hobbies even if we the viewers don't #see it. But also i just really deeply despise the idea that Jazz “fixes” danny's league issues just by existing and being the therapist #because it waters her down into a one-dimensional character who only exists in the context of providing emotional support and life advice t #danny. also therapy only works on someone that's actively trying to change. otherwise its just psychoanalyzing and people tend to hate #being psychoanalyzed without consent. which as a result may have them refuse help. anyways point is: i believe that growth is slow and #complex and danny would hide a lot of the stuff he discovers about himself because if there's one thing he still retains from being an #assassin. it's how to hide. he likes jazz but there are some things you just hide from people.#damian also told dick to “keep his filthy hands off his things”. which was also a shock because it sounded something he'd say more to tim #damian was distraught the entire time.#okay thats all i have for now.

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incesthemes · 1 year ago

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i can't stop thinking about the first episode of season 6, when sam tries to convince dean to come with him, to come back to hunting. he says "it's just better with you around, that's all." it's an interesting line because sam is soulless, obviously. and even though he doesn't understand the details yet, he knows something's wrong with him.

"it's better with you around" he says, citing dean's compassion and care for others as the reason why. and how interesting is that? sam's working with plenty of other hunters who still have their souls—they're all more than capable of caring about the people they save. but sam needs dean specifically. he knows he's missing something, and he sees dean and recognizes that something in him. even cold and calculating and unrelentingly logical, sam recognizes that dean, alone, can "complete" him, give something back to him that he's supposed to have.

in episode 8 he tells dean he "needs his help." he doesn't elaborate; he never explains what he means by that. he has a whole family of hunters who'd be willing and able to help him, but still he needs dean. even without his soul, his hyperrational mind knows he needs him.

soulless sam isn't capable of caring about dean. but he doesn't need to care to know they need to be together, no matter what—to know dean is good for him, dean completes him, dean needs to be there for him.

it's like a sick reversal of season 1. sam drags dean back into this life because he can't keep going without him. because he needs him. because when you think about it logically, and sam has no other choice, there was never any other option for them.

#supernatural #wincest #i mean i'm absolutely looking at this through wincest-colored lenses but this isn't even a romantic observation #and i think that makes it so much worse #every time soulless sam gives an indication that he needs dean in his life even when he's incapable of caring about him. that's so fucked u #like what the fuck do you mean sam's dependence on dean isn't even irrational. that it's so normal to him that it's completely logical #to need him. that sam needs dean the way humans need air to breathe: an unalterable fact of nature and reality #'there are also things about it i remember that i... let's just say i think i should probably go back to being him'#What The Fuck Do You Mean By That Sammy #having a soul hurts but he should 'probably' go back to having one #he says in a conversation about how he knows he should care about dean but doesn't #like there's something inside him screaming for dean. and it's trapped and trying to claw its way out #he needs to care about dean no matter what the cost is. he needs to love him again #it's unnatural and wrong for him to exist without loving his brother. is that what you're saying. is that it #i just can't stop thinking about soulless sam. sorry. what's wrong with him seriously #besides not having a soul #.txt #sam #the winchester gospel #spn posting #6.01 #6.08 #spn6

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claitea · 5 months ago

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whoa guys did you see the new cards i really want alto's full art!!

made with this site! art without the text under the cut :D

#pokemon #pokemon oc #pokemon ranger #pokemon tcg #clai's ocs #oc: alto #clai's art #the thought process during this piece was literally ''NOOO I DONT WANT TO RENDER NOOOOO rendering is fine actually. i dont care anymore''#i tried to come up with a cool card effect? someone more well versed in the tcg please tell me if this is viable or op or sucks ass entirely #i will genuinely change the post if the effect is bad i want my beloved to have ONLY the best #other ideas i considered was smth like. finding a pokemon to play straight away to reference ranger capturing #or an effect that only benefit colorless type pokemon so that alto would pair with flying types that get assigned colorless #but since i wanted the card's name to be alto's Justice it felt more appropriate for the player to gain smth after being damaged #like maybe it depended on the opponents prize cards and how many they'd taken already #the prior effects like the colorless benefit would probably go on a standard ''Alto'' card that doesnt have the extra word appeneded yknow #i put plenty of thought into it haha i was browsing through the bulbapedia articles trying to figure out what a good card effect was #only played like. less than ten matches of tcg i'm still figuring stuff out JDJBFJF #the clouds also!! originally i was drawing generic fluffy clouds #but then it hit me. i named alto after specific clouds. why am i doing generic ones instead of the ones named Alto-Something #so these are meant to be altostratus! i can bearly draw generic clouds though idk how well i pulled off smth more specific HJEHFKF #had a lot to say abt this one i just really liked the idea of an alto card so i made sure it was as perfect as i could get it

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nighhtwing · 25 days ago

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the thing about writing fic for a comics fandom with decades worth of material is that i will never be 100% confident in my character choices

#some fics i'm like yeah obviously ooc whatever it's not that serious anyway #but when i'm like. trying to delve Into something serious i'm just like. would he say this. WOULD HE SAY THIS? I DON'T KNOW. IT DEPENDS #it's also why i find those like... 'would x do y? or what would x do in y situation' so funny like idk i'm flying by the seat of my pants #other fandoms are soooooo easy in comparison like i will just write shit and not even think twice #comics #text #tais toi lys

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moe-broey · 4 months ago

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Now see him (closer to) Canon style.

With some. Fucking Shapes....

He really is. So. So designed. And I fucking hate. HATE. How it All Fucking Works, Actually. But at what cost.... (my sanity.)

Things I go back and forth on:

Drawing the individual scales on his chainmail. It DOES look better if you go out of your way to do that. But for me it really just depends on the vibe of the piece (like this more serious endeavor I'm gonna draw each, but for quick sketches/shitposts I just do the wave. Equivalent of drawing a seagull like -> m )

Things I modify: Almost fucking everything. Next

Things I never include (and why):

> Hhow... Hhhow do you have That Many Belts.... SIR......... (don't even get me started on how that strap across his chest doesn't even wrap fully around like a shoulder bag DO NOT GET ME FUCKING STARTED.....)

> The gorget. The neck guard thing. It just makes posing a pain in the ass. You wouldn't think so, maybe. But for me the collar bone is huge in trying to get a sense for where everything should be! From posing to perspective even!!!

> The thigh armor. We've been over this. This is the entire reason we're here. I need to kill him.

> You CANNOT make me draw his fucking crown WITH his stupid fucking hair AND the very specific wavy way I draw it YOU CAN'T MAKE ME. YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME. Everyone else who does this and have found ways around it/to implement it into their work ARE FAR STRONGER THAN ME. I'LL THROW UP. AND CRY‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️

Things I fuck up and forget on a regular basis: A lot.

#fe alfonse #the unfortunate thing is that i've already inked a bunch so like. eg i fucked up his angel wing neckpiece i think but it's too late now!#also just. this type of shit really makes me doubt myself as an artist like.. ohh okay. so i really am just a hobbiest w no formal educatio #like i'm certain there's some sort of theory and a shit load of revisions that go into every chara design ever.#i also just am scared of like. doing that phenomenon where an artist inexplicably gets 'worse'. over time.#like idk how to say it esp cause i don't wanna be mean... esp bc art is so subjective too #and sometimes the Point is to have 'ugly' art. entirely depends on what you're trying to achieve here #but i'm talking about how like. unintentionally seemingly. the artist just starts making Choices #that start to just... make their old work look like it should be their new stuff. to put it gently.#IDKKKKK MAYBE I'M JUST BEING VAIN AND STUCK UP.........#but let it be known i am ALWAYS. worried about one million things 🫡#my art #i wwas... supposed to be working on my comic........

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39oa · 2 years ago

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top line x supporting robo

DAL @ CGY (03.18.23) — after hitting the 40-goal mark and scoring the ot gwg in calgary following a small slump

SEA @ DAL (05.11.23) — during robo's 8-game post-season scoring drought, right before his 3-assist night against seattle

DAL @ VGK (05.27.23) — after robo's 5v5 break-out and 4 goals in 4 games in the vegas series

#jason robertson #joe pavelski #roope hintz #dallas stars #stars #*#niche gifset trying to articulate what i love about top line's communication style don't mind me #understated but highly reflective and discerning problem-oriented system that knows exactly when to push and support one another #even if so much of it /is/ Do The Right Thing or Make The Right Play that's not to say there aren't highly manual and emotionally-dependent #processes that influence their in-game automation #and it takes three people who are both aligned in the standards they hold themselves to on the top line and who know how to reliably #navigate and distribute that pressure amongst themselves #i'm normal..........#i do think roop being like yeah we talked about it i told him to chill out is legitimately romance though.

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sevicia · 3 months ago

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Also I really can't lie I've been going crazy lately because I'm starting to feel like an actual person and I fucking hate it. It makes my skin crawl. Everyone just walks around having all these things going on and ever since I stopped isolating myself I've started to become more aware of others and it's awful 0/10 would never ever EVERR recommend.

My main source of anguish right now is really just being trans because of how pathetic it makes me feel. Sure it feels amazing when people call me by my actual name and at least pretend to respect me (regardless of what they think or say about me in private) but just thinking about rejection is humiliating and it's not because any trans person would ever deserve it or because the person being awful would ever be in the right but because I am, by nature, pathetic and weak and cowardly, and also my self esteem is in the negatives, and so I just don't think I'm brave enough or strong enough to stand up for myself, or would even have the drive to. Should I have to? Well no. But that's just how things are. No trans person is ever safe from being discriminated against and I hate it, and I hate that I don't see myself doing anything about it when it inevitably happens to me.

It's also because I'm specifically an autistic trans guy who is also physically small. Meaning most people in my life are just gonna end up treating me like a child in some way shape or form and while I am aware that I AM childish, I know it'll just make it harder for me to be recognized as a man for as long as I live. I've been explicitly told by my family that I won't be allowed to move out until *they* decide I'm ready and I'm always being dragged along with an air of "not knowing what's best for me" (this is true) and again, I no longer care enough to fight it. I don't have the strength or motivation to fight for the things I really want because I can't conceive them ever truly being worth fighting for.

I know people are always just indulging me and I know it's all I could ask for but I'm sadly more and more of a person every day and I gain new problems every day, so I care much more than before.

#diary #long post #and I've also realized how disgustingly dependent I am on my sister and her judgement but that's the most unsolvable of all I fear #I will never be free from this for as long as I live; and if I mentioned it to her she'd just feel awful #and well I love her a lot obviously. to the point I feel like the world is ending whenever she disapproves of me #thinking of her disapproval AND her feeling personally hurt all because of me well I'd jump off a bridge. is what I'm trying to say

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mantisgodsdomain · 7 months ago

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We ought to write more Pokemon fic some time. We want to recreate the Pokemon Manners/Human Manners cheat sheet that we made a few years ago we think that this site would like the Sliding Scale Of Politeness When Greeting A New Pokemon You've Never Met Before.

#we speak #writing #we grew up with pmd games and we feel like the way that pmd pokemon's dialogue tends to be excessively... direct?#should be a feature and not a bug when any pokemon that you meet might be totally unfamiliar with your species and biology #it's probably very polite to start up front with some basic facts about yourself so they know how to act going forward #the very upfront feel to dialogue also very much helps with keeping the dialogue feel more... pokemon #people mock the series for weird npc dialogue a lot but we think that taking these things literally makes for more fun society building #it doesn't all have to fit with socially acceptable for our world we think. polite in our world isn't even consistent by household.#sometimes a polite interaction sounds like “hello! i'm poochyena! i like to chase people and bite!”#name and immediately socially useful information. now you know about the chasing people and biting so you don't assume it's rude #of course poochyena bites and chases people. it likes to do that. you can say you don't like that and it might stop doing that to You #but it will not stop biting and chasing people because that's what it likes to do and it will probably only befriend people okay with that #it makes a very specific dialogue feel that's very fun to do. we like how the pokemon world tends to treat any sort of like #disability or “weird” things as something that you just say out the gate and everyones like “oh okay”#and then treat that as Part Of Interactions going forwards. there are a surprising amount of parts of the pokemon manga #that are dedicated to working around a character's disability after one or all of their means of dealing with it get taken out #admittedly we aren't that caught up on newer content but we find the way that it tends to be just Accepted as very refreshing #making the dialogue this direct does also tend to make it read as more “childish” in english and particular because a lot of Maturity's jus #learning how to dance around what you're saying or phrase it in different ways to get your idea across differently #whereas here everything is just as direct as possible. “i don't like charmander”. “i like roasting berries”. “i want to dig things up”.#all pokemon dialogue tends to go towards being exceedingly simple and it makes for some very distinct writing #especially when you have to tackle complex situations with characters who probably dont employ that sort of vocabulary #though we personally enjoy doing this sort of stuff your mileage may vary ofc #we are biased towards this sort of thins because we find it MUCH more fun to build up what we're talking about from blocks #than to like. try and use more indirect wording that may lose things in translation #unfortunately this is not fun in irl conversation. everyone has to be on the same page and you need to use the same playbook to communicate #we REALLY wish people said what they meant though. we're really tired of being asked shit like “is this accessible”#when what they mean is “can you climb these stairs” a question which depends on the day our energy level and how things have been going #there are a lot of things we could say that would make us feel like some sort of anti sjw type guy and a lot of em boil down to just #"for the love of god dont dance around a Sensitive Topic just get to the point and ask us about it this just makes things harder for everyo

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ectonurites · 1 year ago

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SUPER DARK TIMES (2017) DIR KEVIN PHILLIPS

#tragically had to skip the 'are you afraid of me' exchange i love at the start bc. this scene is Long #super dark times #josh templeton #zach taylor #sam edits #btw i'm firmly in the 'Josh didn't kill John' camp. bc to me THIS scene is the point that... makes the most sense as Josh's breaking point/#'villain turn' if that's what you'd want to call it. because this is really when Josh... sort of 'officially' loses Zach. from early on in #the movie it becomes clear how much Zach is like... an anchor for him—the way Josh is just fucking *chanting* his name in distress during #the Daryl accident. The way Josh begs Zach to believe him that it was an accident. The way Josh turns to Zach for answers/clarity/direction #Like even if we want to take a cynical approach and think of it as Josh just latching onto Zach in the Daryl situation because he was There #rather than that being an established thing w/ them... in the aftermath of that same incident Josh is still looking to/depending on him!#Josh self isolates at first... but after they talk & Zach tells him they shouldn't act weird Josh goes back to school. (yes #he lashes out there because He's Dealing With The Crushing Guilt but *all* of 'em are acting off then—Charlie specifically calls attention #to the idea they all probably are) Josh goes to the party just like Zach said they should and is *visibly confused* when Zach seems mad to #see him there. He goes to Zach's house to talk and you can SEE how caught off guard he is by what Zach says. Even though the script version #of this scene is VERY different from the final version I do think this one bit of description from it is... insightful: 'Josh seems sincere #almost vulnerable. But Zach is too focused to see it.' LIKE in this scene Zach is already convinced Josh has lost it! He's trying to act #more neutral about it (claiming they could just 'draw a line') but we saw his phone call with Charlie. Because of his own guilt-fueled #paranoia—something shown pretty clearly through the assorted dream sequences and like tht scene of him walking in the hall hearing people #gossip about Daryl—it seems like everything lines up too well! that '*of course* it's Josh and what if it's *been* Josh all along and well #then the role *I* played in the situation really isn't *my* fault because it was all *Josh* and...' etc. even if that's more subconscious #But like... this scene is really when it hits Josh! from the moment he asks if Zach's afraid of him now like... there's a shift. although #Zach says he isn't... i mean he fucking stumbles on the word 'afraid' (like... he hangs on the 'f' sound a moment too long to sound natural #its very subtle but like Noticeable). But Josh sees right through him. Zach doesn't trust him anymore. Zach thinks he's the bad guy. the #monster. Josh feeling like he lost the last person he had in his corner feels like the most realistic thing to... push him over the #edge. like that's a compelling tragedy to me—the idea that these two poorly coping with the Daryl situation in these separated ways where #they *aren't* talking/communicating ends up CREATING the feedback loop that makes everything get worse and worse.#But for that to be the case... it wouldn't make sense for Josh to have just randomly killed John before this scene. I think it's a more #interesting story if certain things really ARE just coincidences but it's that Zach's paranoia won't let him see that 🤷

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soapkid · 8 months ago

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ive gotta be real im kind of losing hope for life

#it feels like it's only get worse and worse lately and i just don't know what to do man #its just like. swallowing me whole #the furure feels so fucking looming no matter what #i feel like a pathetic bum because i genuinely dont know that ill ever be able to take on longer than a 25 hour work week max #and because of how everything is im doomed to be forever dependant on someone covering so much for me #i don't feel like I'm ever going to be secure and i just. i have hopes for the future but any time i try to consider how i get there i just #it feels like everything falls apart #i know it's probably because it's 2 in the morning but i just don't have any faith in my life...#it's hard not to just. consider death sometimes i guess. I'm not actively suicidal. id hardly even say i passively am most of the time #it's just like... i don't fucking know how I'm going to make it out of this man. i feel so hopeless #...rant over

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telesodalite · 2 days ago

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Woe, unfinished, mildly edited, fulfire fic tid-bits be upon you

Like a magnet, his optics kept drifting back to Misfire's face. His stupid, strangely charming face.

For a short while, after Clemency, it had been that face that haunted some of his nightmares. His recalls blurring the lines between the strange reality of Misfire's hands reaching into him to lock his fuel pump back into the very spot he'd pulled it from, and the fear that just as easily he could pull it out again. They had been bloody dreams. Dreams that had him startling awake, gripping his chest in the vain attempt to close what wasn't open, before spending the rest of the day avoiding Misfire's optics.

But now things were different. Not Misfire's face. No, that hadn't changed much. But Fulcrum's dreams had definitely changed. To say the least of what all rolled around in his processor as he slept nowadays.

Some of those newer dreams had crept to the forefront of his mind as he sat there on the couch, staring as the lights of the screen reflected dully across Misfire's plating in hazy blues and greys.

The lighting made his colors seem muddy and faded, but Fulcrum didn't really care, nor did he care to think what it made himself look like. He was too busy bringing an empty engex can to his lips while he watched the crinkle of Misfire's nose as he barked a laugh at something Fulcrum didn't catch onscreen.

He'd started noticing it months ago, all the ways the silvery mesh of Misfire's face would scrunch up with his emotions. Those little crinkles along his optics and nose when he laughed or glared. The creases indented along his cheeks when he grinned. Fulcrum found himself quietly logging away these little details. Idle notes and observations that had suddenly started piling up in the corners of his processer.

He… He'd never really done that before? He'd never really noticed those sorts of things in other mechs.

The faces and expressions of his past colleagues never seemed terribly important. All the details of every smile and frown were never worth filing away, outside of few notable moments where those expressions reflected his work performance. But besides the smile that meant promotion, and the frown that meant he'd screwed up, nothing else was noticeable. Nothing was worth remembering.

But now the memory of every genuine laugh that bubbled out of Misfire sat comfortably besides memories of warm joyful optics that Fulcrum found himself collecting every time Crankcase cracked a rare half-smile for him, or when Krok placed a reassuring hand against his back, or the times Spinister spontaneously pointed out something odd but ultimately nice about his stupid frame.

He didn't really know why he was doing it, memorizing all these mundane little things, just to have them flit through his processer randomly. Maybe it was because those expressions, those details, felt… comforting? Comforting in such a strange and unfamiliar way. But, a good way. A good sort of strange, much like the mechs themselves.

He had stared for a long moment, the credits and their rolling tune playing somewhere in the background as Fulcrum stared back. But Misfire was never one for personable silence, even as the sound of some likely long dead Iaconian orchestra filled the room.

"What is it?" He asked, a small chuckle escaping him as he brought a hand to his face, "Don't tell me I've poured it all over myself again."

It had taken Fulcrum longer than usual to unstick his glossa from the roof of his mouth as he watched Misfire run a thumb over his lips, but eventually he had coughed out a small, choked, "No."

That had earned him an odd look at first, but with their fields loose and open, Fulcrum could almost feel the exact moment something clicked in Misfire's mind, as the idle comfortable static he projected in pulsing waves evened out into something openly curious and almost subdued.

It wasn't often Fulcrum felt him that clearly.

Misfire tended to keep his field fairly close, though, maybe not as close as the others did, what with how Crankcase kept an iron grip on his, and how Krok's always held an air of strained control, even when it slipped from him. But still, Misfire's was always hard to read, no matter the reach or depth of his field.

Even then and there, with it loose and unfiltered and buzzing with the engex running through his system, there was an ever present undertone of something indescribably jumbled about him, like too many feelings at once, each too vast and hurried for Fulcrum to really feel or understand.

It always seemed to stir the passive anxiety Fulcrum must've been forged with when Misfire's field brushed against his own. As facing the indescribable vague mess of Misfire felt like trying to untangle a pile of live-wires he couldn't even see.

It was almost frustrating in a sense, the need to try and sort and understand what wasn't even his to begin with. But at the same time it was almost exciting as well. It was like a game, like a puzzle he had yet to solve.

Finally letting his own can go tumbling to the floor to join Misfire's, Fulcrum had brought a hand to cover his face as he drew his legs up and leaned back against the arm of the couch, trying to suppress the fit as the sly look slipped from Misfire's face at the sounds.

While Fulcrum had laughed, and… snorted, embarrassingly, he had felt Misfire's field change again, brushing something fizzy and almost warm against his plating as Misfire's features softened.

"I'm looking at you," Fulcrum had said then between gulps of air, letting his hand fall from his face as he reached out to poke at Misfire's chest, "Dumbaft."

His finger had lingered over the thick plating there for maybe a little longer than necessary, drawing Misfire's attention as it slid down a little before pulling away.

Looking back up again with his helm angled slightly, Misfire had followed the sight of his hand leaving his plating to where Fulcrum let it fall between them.

"Wow…" Misfire had chuckled a little dryly, "I was gonna make it real easy for you. I was going to say something like, ''Do you like what you see?'' or-… or something like that. But now you've ruined it. Good job."

Meeting Fulcrum's optics again as he pulled his own hand back from Fulcrum's shoulder, he brought it to rest between them as well.

"And you're laughing at me," He said next, faking a small pout as his hand drifted closer to Fulcrum's, "Which totally ruins the whole vibe I was going for really. I mean, it's sort of hard to be all nice and suave-like when you're being laughed at. Total vibe killer. Bit of an ego killer too if I'm being honest. So thanks for that loser, thanks for saying I have a funny face."

With Misfire's fingers brushing distractingly past his own, Fulcrum didn't think before the words stumbled out of him.

"I like your face."

It came out almost matter of fact sounding, Fulcrum's laughter having died down while Misfire complained about it. But at the same time the words felt so simple, they came out so easily, and in a weird way they felt nice to say. But Misfire's optics had widened in surprise, his frame frozen and his field suddenly struck quiet, and despite the engex numbing his usual nerves, Fulcrum felt a sudden pang of anxiety because of it.

The silence in Misfire's field was terribly alien. It felt wrong, and something in Fulcrum spiraled to think he had caused it. But slowly, almost as if it were creeping forward, an odd almost scrutinizing uncertainty fanned outward in a careful wave. Misfire moved with it, leaning closer as he searched Fulcrum's expression for something.

"Oh yeah?" He'd said lowly then, and that sly look returned. But that vague uncertainty didn't fade with it, if anything, Fulcrum felt it strengthen. Caught between what he saw, in Misfire's easy smile and dimmed optics, and what he felt, in the growing hollow distance within their fields, Fulcrum found himself frowning and pulling back.

Growing frustrated with himself, and wanting that feeling back, he had pushed forward, shifting onto his knees as he reached for Misfire's face before the other could pull away from him entirely.

"I like your face." He said firmly, maybe too firmly. His expression still drawn into a frown as he pressed his fingers into Misfire's helm, brushing his thumbs across the silver mesh he'd been staring so intently at before. "I like your optics, and your nose. I- I like the way you smile. When you really smile, and when you laugh. I do. I'm not lying."

And oh there it was again, that little curl of warmth in Misfire's field. Almost a tangible thing, like a brush of ventilation, but Misfire wasn't venting. His mouth hung open ever so slightly, but no breath left him as he stared at Fulcrum with widening optics.

Spurred on by that tiny bloom of warmth, Fulcrum chased after it with slightly slurred words and clumsy hands as he tried to fix whatever he'd done wrong, hoping with each word that Misfire might soften and smile again.

"I like your expressions, and- and I like your voice," He said, glancing down at Misfire's parted lips, and laughing softly, nervously, as he continued, "Even when you say something so stupid. I like- I like the way it sounds. I like your accent, I like the way it makes your words sound. I- I like your- your mouth?"

Once more that weird but nice feeling settled in Fulcrum's chest. Those simple words felt good to say. It felt like a weight off his shoulders, like an admission he'd been waiting to say. About what and why? He wasn't really sure. But the warmth grew, and Misfire took a sharp vent inwards, and that felt right, so Fulcrum kept on.

"I like your helm," He said with a smile, reaching up to brush his fingers over the jutting finials there, before dropping his hands to settle lightly over Misfire's chest. "I like your frame, the colors of it. I like your-"

Before he could finish, Misfire was surging forward, knocking their helms together and nearly bruising the mesh of their noses as he tried for, and just barely missed, Fulcrum's lips.

👁👁👍

#just gonna go ahead and share this before i think too hard about it and chicken out lol #idk. this has been sitting unfinished for a while now. but i'm fond of it and keep going back to re-read it. so?? yeah. idk #maybe i'll get around to finishing it. i like writing out all the like. sensory stuff with this. lots of neat stuff to try with em fields #also fulc being a very earnest drunk lol. and mis trying to be all casual and smooth despite balking in the face of it bcs he's a hot mess #i dunno. i think the og idea behind this was kinda turning the reassurance around to mis. just sorta breaking him down with nice words #fulc is usually on the receiving end of comfort and reassurance. not always. but enough so that it had me thinking bout it other ways round #idk. ultimately its like. just slapping mis with a mild praise kink and seeing what happens when fulc just says nice things to him #the bar is so low for them. fulc is like 'i like your face' with conviction and mis is half-way to keeling over bcs. damn. he needed that #my fav flavor of this is just them approaching romance from two drastically different angles. not on the same page. different books lol #mis plays it all like a surface level game. he's just trying to keep things light and airy. but fulc is going right for the kill #also hitting fulc with the demi romantic/sexual beam adds another fun layer to it all-#-this isnt his playing field. but he's sure as hell winning without really knowing why #ok. i've been up for way too long. was on sick dog duty overnight. its like 8am now and i haven't slept a wink lol #so if there's errors or smth sounds off. idk. pretend you didn't see it. ill fix it later. or i wont. idk. toodles <333 #(also this is barely the tip of the iceberg fic wise. depending on how i feel bout this after a nap? might share bits of the big ghost fic-#(-cause that ones at like. 24k-ish now??? and thats only the 1st chap and half of the 2nd. its the fulc sees ghosts concept on steroids)#fulfire #my writing

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