#what a selfish and cruel person
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Way using his power on Babe
I know you're talented but you know that if you have any problems, you can always tell me. Okay?
I want to remind you what the situation between you and Charlie is. If he is your sex buddy, don't treat him as anything more than that. Go back to being the old you. Have you ever told me not to tie my life to anybody else? There is no one who truly loves us. Everyone who comes into life is hoping for benefits. So do you think Charlie will be different from other people?
It's best for you to be alone. Love can't be trusted. You just go back and do everything as before. Follow the routine. Everything will get better soon. In the past, when you didn't have Charlie, you were still able to live.
I don't know what's stressing you out right now but I want you to enjoy racing like before. No matter what you encounter, you still have me. You know that you could tell me everything.
Don't cry anymore, I'm right here.
#what a selfish and cruel person#I hate Way so much I don't even find him beautiful anymore#even though Nut is gorgeous#it's totally fine if you like Way btw#we've all liked horrible fictional characters before I assume#I definitely have#case in point: I love Kenta a lot#and he helps Tony sell children to millionaires#I also love Captain from Playboyy#so who am I to judge?#pit babe the series#pit babe way
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i know hoyo is setting up rhine to have good intent and whatever in her trying to 'save' khaneri'ah or whatever; but i REALLY hope they stay with the cruel persona thats been built up for her. because it would be so wonderful to see a character who had good intent in the beginning just get absolutely corrupted; with the inability to ever go back to that prior state purely because of what had happened. also because there is NO way in her turning back after all that shit
#sorry. i dont think theres any good and plausible explanation for rhine to still be a kind or gentle person in general#she can (and SHOULD) have her moments. but it'd make so much more sense (and be much more impactful) for her to be inherently cruel#because look at all the stuff thats happened#i love the indomitable human spirit trope. dont get me wrong.#but rhine has that in the way she WONT stop her research till shes either dead or murdered. she is not gonna be gentle kind and optimistic#she watched all her kids (that she was SHOWN to care for) get very brutally murdered.#had to then go and kill her next creations that she didn't consider perfect (which most certainly fucks a women up. no matter what you say)#made the 'perfect creation' and the way she treated him was obviously a HUGE contrast to how she was before (being gentle and nuturing)#and left him (albeit with what we can guess was good intent) with NO goodbye just#a recommendation letter. a text. and his final mission#she could have good intent#and still care for others#dont get me wrong!!!!!!!#but shes. human???#humans can be (as much as i hate to say it) a tad selfish when it comes to survival#and being antagonized demonized AND shunned by teyvat and even her own people. having to survive multiple gods wrath#isn't. gonna be good for the human psych#and it isn't gonna be something fixable#look at how furina progressively faltered over a hundered years WHILE being adored#she already started waning in her ethics and morals (as someone immortalized as a human WOULD)#with exposing lyney and all of that when it was VERY clearly the morally wrong thing to do (which her as a human would know)#and being relatively pessimistic and clearly spiralling#(no hate. i love furina with all my heart.)#if thats how FURINA started going#imagine rhine who has nobody (save maybe alice. but i doubt she'd be constant given her spontaneous nature and refusal to sit still)#shit man. even I'D go crazy and be horrible.#its okay and natural to be bitter#and its not as if anybody was there to help#hexenzirkel has a ton of women who survived their own nations falling yes#but not ONE of them (from what we know) has had circumstances any where near rhine's
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find it very funny how so many twin peaks fans (aka redditors) seem to think there's really only one way to read the series and just ascribe every single thing to their view of it instead of actually interrogating things
#i'm annoyed bc i'm reading ppl's reactions to the moment bobby sees laura's picture in the return#and they're like 'haha why was the scene so unintentionally funny' and idk i think maybe you guys should all just die#like the most emotion we ever see out of bobby's character is when it pertains to laura and you're surprised his reaction was so#'over the top' as they put it -_-#and plenty of ppl harping on about how she 'abused' him and what have you#like. was laura a cruel person sometimes who had a selfish streak? absolutely. but ppl really overexaggerate her 'badness'#when like. the whole point of laura is that she wasn't perfect but she wasn't anywhere near as bad as she thought she was herself#she literally compared herself to leo........... like.#and i was trying to see ppl's reactions to the roadhouse songs and how they tie in to the show and no one really reads very deep into it#i think the one in episode where bobby sees laura's picture and breaks down (lark by au revoir simone) is very on the nose about their#relationship. in my opinion#i also kind of see tarifa as that (i'm biased though LMAO) but my mom and brother said they thought it seemed like a dougie song so idk#tbf though they are not laurabobby truthers like me bc they haven't read the diary... so... seems like not many ppl have. weirdly#i was also trying to see if ppl had an explanation for 'i am' by blunted beatz bc of that one scene where it plays when hawk#visits sarah but no one had an explanation for that either likeeeee you guys are USELESS. DISCUSS!!!!!! at least have THOUGHTS about it!!!#like. sigh.
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told bro id removed means... did not tell him that anything had happened
#i dont know hw to express it!#it sounds so stupid#'hi yeah i did x with suicidal intent but also to actually suicide i wouldve needed to do it diffeerently and i knew that and also i was#trying to not make noise so idk if it actually counts as a suicide attempt or anything but unfortunately what i did discover was it is not#in fact as unpleasant/painful as i had expected at least at that kind of time so suddenly it's a genuine Method On My Radar which is#extremely annoying!'#but yeah idk how to say that to him yknow? and i don't think there will be actual medical complications tho ik there can be. but yeah i#dunno im tired. i should tell the crisis assessment team this afternoon when they ring me but it sounds hard do you think it would be selfi#to tell brother and get him to tell them??#it sounds selfish and cruel and yet otherwise i dont think ill tell them and they. probably should know#personal#tw suicide#puddleglum hours
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every time i have a mental health episode i like have my initial freakout about being alone and needing someone to talk to and then in like the 11th hour when i'm long past the pain i am like flooded with love and support and instead of responding positively to it i just get really fucking scared, feel like i have manipulated everyone into caring about me, and hide in a fucking hole for days until it all blows over.
genuinely i just wish i had someone who would see me be like 'I HAD A BAD DAY AT WORK' and dm me like 'do you wanna talk about it? or do you want me to talk to you about franmaya.' and then we do that and i'm fine in 5 mins. but it's always either dead silence or walls of text about how great i am and it's just two different forms of torture like how do i respond to this besides just crying and isolating myself entirely.
#wordy wendy#i hate praise i hate praise i hate praise i h#i'm just lonely as hell man#im constantly trying to make friends but my heart isnt in it anymore#the whole im im doing it i just can't have faith in anyone to stay#its so mean. why would i think that of people#why would i do that#but im just exhausted#the amount of people who have abandoned me in the last like 2 years#has spiked SO exponentially#despite me feeling like i've only gotten better as a friend and as a person#it feels like when i was emotionally immature and cruel and selfish#i was surrounded in so much more love and care#why is that... i don't want to be that person again#but i want the social support and community back so bad.#i'm back into that doomerist mindset where seeing my friends grow close#now makes me resentful and angry#instead of happy and joyful and proud#why the fuck is that? that's so fucking mean. why am i so bitter?#i know why. i know i'm just hurt and lonely and i feel isolated#but what do i do about it?#i've tried everything.
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playing around with one of the final scenes, not because i'm anywhere close to it but bc i enjoy exploring the idea of Keika not just losing a bit of himself, but actively giving it up just because Atlas asked it of him.
#especially knowing that this moment is one that haunts atlas for the rest of his life#he's not thinking of the long term consequences in the moment#he's just thinking that something needs to be done and he can't do it anymore#and cecily can't do it because she's trying to keep atlas from dying#and ahria can't do it because she's trying to keep ALL OF THEM from dying#so the natural conclusion was to ask keika. because someone had to do it and why not pit the most powerful of them against the dragon??#never mind the fact that keika has never taken a life with his own hands. never mind the fact that keika has only ever killed in defence.#but later. when it's quiet and keika is gone and atlas is at home in his childhood bed he will wallow in his self-loathing#for having done something so cruel to the man he loves. for having made his last moments /torment/#for having sent him to his death#and then when he finds out keika is alive? alive and changed beyond measure? it's worse because he still killed him didn't he?#AND THEN HE DOES IT AGAIN-#but yeah a probably-not-that-subtle part of keika's character is his habit of living for other people?#like. if he loves you enough all you have to do is call and he'd drop everything to be there#it's not that he's a pushover or can't live just for himself (he's a selfish person) it's just. to him it's the simplest thing in the world#to give what he can when the right people ask it of him.#anyway#the library keeper#snippets
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You know I thought for awhile that I was just a rare type of person who sure, liked people well enough but was okay being alone didn't necessarily need anyone and NO. NO. NO. OH MY GOD . YOU GIANT DUMBASS. NO HAHAHA NOOO NOPE
#tide of consciousness#See what was confusing me is usually when people talk about life partner they mean romantically sexually#And also I have yet to meet someone who gets me in the way I want someone to get me <- I think <- good chance I have and squandered it#<- that may be the evil brain talking though#But anyway so I was misconstruing the fact that the people I know and like currently are not people I want to spend my life with#With the idea that there is no one and no chance I will ever want that#And also heteronormative allo society despite my best efforts Is in my brain#And I'm only just realizing how badly I would really like to find a person or maybe people who do make me feel like. I could want that#The idea that there could be someone out there that I would want to spend my time and space with forever is mind blowing#Because honestly and this is of course the mental illness but I have kind of been under the assumption that maybe I am just like. Weeell#Evil and broken and cruel and selfish and HAHA. you know. The usual#Because you know only recently I got my first taste of 'a person is actively choosing you and wants you over all things'#And then I fucked that up because that was my first time believing anyone could care about me and you know you always fuck that one up#And that sucked and is still in the process of sucking but it has also made me realize#That there is actually a way that I would want that. Maybe#Like in a way that worked. I'd really like to have a person like that maybe#And honestly that's a nightmare to have to realize#Because before it was like hey! I guess I just don't have to worry about that!#And now I'm like FUCK. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DO THIS#because special secret I've never actively tried to connect to people in my life ever#I don't know how you do that! I don't know how to actively form relationships!#I just wait for someone to grab me and pull me along! It's terrifying to think about trying to discover that#AT 20!#I know it's not unusual especially in this day and age in fact it's kind of an epidemic#But you're supposed to learn how to socialize when you're a little tiny baby!!! I don't want to figure this out now I can't even get a job!#Fucking shit that's a lot of words um#Every 6 months I remember that I'm deeply deeply deeply lonely and it's the worst and then I wilfully ignore it until I rediscover it again#Every day I discover a new layer to how utterly wretchedly self loathing my brain is and its the worst#Peeling back a layer of paint and surprise! You've subconsciously thought you were fine being alone because secretly you believe#That it is impossible for you to be anything but alone! Yay!
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whats the deal with hoostergold. i love casey i want to know why she hates booster gold and why shes right. i mean . misguided.
writing this assuming you dont know anything about booster gold from dc comics LOL
so casey started working for booster as his personal assistant in his peak IDGAF era (that stretch of time when he wasnt doing much in comics around after the jli disbanded and superbuddies time..before ted kord died and he got his new zest for life. i mean suicide)
casey just left home freshly 18 with big dreams of making it in the glamourous city of metropolis. even though casey doesnt really care that much about superheroes, at this point she did find booster inspiring as a celebrity in the way that he was a cheat and a hack when he got his start but still made a name for himself anyways (and honestly wasnt immune from a little being dazzled by The booster gold) and she thought since "Hey no ones heard from booster gold in a minute since the justice league exploded" he would be an easy (semi-easy. easier than superman at least) (she probably tried. got nowhere) target for walking up to and asking for a job. and her luck was maxxed out that day because she did just show up at his house and ask for a job and he was like Lol why not. she had it in her head she'd fix his career and get his name back in the spotlight and in turn, booster would help her break into the acting scene with his hero celeb connections
she worked for him for a long time and then BOOM ted kord got shot in the head and as that wound was freshly opened he was in a peak state of whats the fucking point of anything i dont care i dont care so he fired casey, because honestly he was just paying her to be an errand boy at that point anyways/to be nice and casey took it extremely well
casey during her employment for booster was giving 100% of herself to give him anything he didnt know he wanted (even though he didnt really want anything and was content to chill by the poolside all hours of the day). her investment in boosters life was always wayyyyyyy more than booster even cared about what he was having for dinner that night. he always just kind of humored her/thought it was handy to have her around if he needed someoen to find the remote he lost somewhere in his living room. but she was literally on the mission of her life, shes the type to work crazy overtime because she thinks her boss will notice her and be so appreciative she'll get rewarded (stupid) and all her work will be worth it in the end when shes living like he is. but then shes suddenly fired and instead of just getting a new job and accepting Sometimes Life Sucks (or the horrifying thought SHE may have made the mistake of betting it all on this guy who can barely remember her name half the time because hes too busy watching wheel or fortune 24/7) shes like I have to fucking kill this BLONDE DEMON
the thing about that is shes like blind with rage that he wasted her prime youth (18-most of her 20s) and for the first time in her stupid delusional life she experiences soul crushing doubt in her lifes direction and the clear path she set out for herself. caseys mom had her when she was 16 and never hid the fact she never wanted kids (never wanted casey) and she resents the fact she had to drop out of school and get a job she hates to support them and casey sees her mom being this talented but utterly defeated and depressed alcoholic woman in her 40s and feels a mixture of Well i wont go and do that im built different and IM FUCKING SCARED which is what leads her to moving to a whole new huge city by herself no friends no education just in the cheap dingy apartment barking
so with all that baggage and hope and dreams in that big head of hers the real only option was murder
#asks#i have to stress caseys stuff with her mom is certainly Part of why shes like that but its not the whole core reason#like dont get her twisted she does just want money and fame for the sake of it shes delusional and selfish#anyways. why did casey let a blonde man ruin her life IS HE STUPID?#casey#if you were asking just what makes booster generally irritating- casey relationship unrelated just look at his stupid smile#but hes not like#hes not a cruel person at his core so it was important when i was writing casey that her issue with him be from just like.#ignorance. neglecting your only employee. general harmless annoyance that builds up over time#definitely a lot of casey projecting
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fic concept: ACTUALLY sith Obi-Wan where it’s horrible and Anakin realizes how good he has it with regular Obi-Wan
#the smhmexy sith obi wan guys dont get it#star wars#grace for ts#obi wan#ACTUALLY sith obi wan would be h o r rrible#bc thats what being a sith is#all the things that should have been good and great about you turn rotten. putrescent. festering.#all the things that were bad about you become overpoweringly evil#imagine having any kind of a relationship with someone selfish. evil. cruel. loves themselves more than ANYTHING#and uses you however they want in order to advance their agenda and make themselves feel powerful#imagine that being the person raising you#im sure some of you dont have to imagine#its not fun hehe we break the rules time#its im about to endure generational trauma time
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doing really bad in ways i can’t talk about which is making it worse
#just cancelled a meeting so i could cry in the office LMAOOOOOOO 🥰👍#purrs#the mortifying ordeal of my therapist being on her honeymoon rn 😹😹😹😹😹#i think i am just a bad person and my needs hurt people who need me. and it’s not fair to them and idont know what to do with that.#i think i may have to move out sooner than i am ready to and not listen to anyone telling me to keep waiting. this is not sustainable. it’s#not sustainable for my family because i hurt them with my needs. and it’s not sustainable for me to be unable to need and get what i need#without hurting them. i think what’s so hard about this is that i have to do it alone and everyone is against me doing it but i have to do#it anyway. i don’t know. i don’t want my sister to see this and get hurt. if you do see this im sorry i can’t be what you need. im sorry my#needs hurt you. but they’re needs. i have to be selfish even though my brain is screaming at me in your voice that i don’t. i just need to#escape it all. i am allowed to need independence and alone time and im sorry i was cruel about asserting it but i need to assert it and no#one at home understands why but I need to. im not talking coherently i just feel so wretched and sick to my stomach with guilt and grief and#frustration and shame and i have to facilitate a huge session in an hour and a half.#delete later#like my friends / mutuals / mentors / etc can tell me until they’re blue in the face that i am not a bad person and i deserve to live an#independent Life etc etc but none of you are actually in my house and you don’t see how it is and how i am the cause of all of it and how im#stuck and making things worse. and i can’t summon my strength or calm down or anything. i don’t know. i have to get ready for the session i#just can’t even think straight. my family is right and i am also right and i can’t assert my rightness over theirs. so im stuck forever.#if i could i would leave work early and go home but there’s no one to take me home and home is actually the worst possible place to be#right now LOLLLLL. i just need to curl into a bed and cry. also im about to get my period so thats probably why im like this lol
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not an astarion defender in the traditional sense, but in the sense that the whims he gets approval from are funny. i would also approve of someone throwing shit at people who asked them to smear their face with said shit
#it's funny to be a menace in a video game and im not going to pretend its not#killing a clown IS funny#his 'whim approvals' are so funny#leevi liveblogs#on another note ive seen people be like ''astarions traumatized so he acts like that :(' or 'despite all that he could still be an asshole#both true but i feel like both are reductive#when it comes to his more cruel approval it's clear he acts the way he does due to his past. (i know thats like a duh no shit we all do tha#) but i mean like. if you look at all the trauma he's gone through and think about how it has affected him as a person#it makes sense for him to be selfish and maybe even cruel#and there are reasons he acts the way he does. but it doesn't mean he's done nothing wrong ever. it means he's an asshole who has reasons#to act like an asshole.#no ones past is an excuse for the way they're acting. yes it's a reason. but just because you went through unimaginable horrors doesnt mean#that everyone should ignore how you act toward others. he can still be held accountable while understanding where he's coming from#but i also don't like people ignoring his past experiences and seeing him as just a selfish asshole who is and has always been#and will always be an asshole just for funsies#does that make sense#also sometimes people read too much into what was meant as a funny little option#like. you know how some games have a serious main story and the most batshit silly side quests and no ones holding the side quests as the#absolute truth of it all#does anyone know what im talking about#idk talking in the tags with the character limit is a pain in the ass i have a lot more to say
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thinking. about mirauta again.
#thus spoke micah#mira walsh#the fact both mira and uta were peacekeepers of their respective areas just#they know what it means to have to be cruel to make sure everyone gets their fill#the inherent despair looming of what the future would look like#this is why i think so hard about them because like#with toumira... mira acts more as someone to help touka achieve her goals#and mira would sacrifice their own for her happiness i believe#because making a ghoul feel loved and respected and valued is what mira wants the most so in a way...#isn't this satisfying their personal desires?#meanwhile with mirauta uta would see any of this and ask if this really makes them feel alive and enjoy their daily life#and in turn mira becomes more reasonably selfish even though they have a lot of empathy and want uta to be happy to#but they know that uta have similar desires of wanting to feel loved and accepted by the world#grrrrrr#i know there's more to the toumira ship but i'd have to go back and research so much shit
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people that can't accept that astarion's alignment is absolutely, definitely, canonically fucking !neutral evil!, are hilarious to me. idk how??? did we play the same game?? genuinely?? do you think neutral character would approve of raiding the grove & killing a bunch of refugees & killing the gnomes etc???
#he's an asshole (affectionate) and I love him for it. I love pre-ascension astarion he's so fucking cruel and funny#also. btw. character being evil doesn't disregard his trauma. idk who needs to hear this? but even if he was like he was in ea... he'd still#be a complex fucking character. he's not a “absolutely the worst person in faerun with zero redeeming qualities he's just evil and it's all”#but he's also not a “just a baby UwU his acts of cruelty doesn't actually count at all and he approves of worst things because ✨ trauma ✨”#he's fucking complex?? hello???#he's a character with a lot of nuance to him and him being neutral evil doesn't take it away?? he's selfish. he's manipulative.#literally enjoys killing people for fun?? that's what makes him interesting. he doesn't have to be the perfect victim to enpathize with him#he doesn't have to be a good person in a slightest to be still be deserving of revenge#redemption (or power and vengeance).#he doesn't have to be a “poor little meow meow just a traumatized baby” to have empathy for his character & relate to him & love him???#that's the whole appeal of character???????#but you can't deny that he's evil (at least pre act 3 although he DOES approve of evil choices there too; regardless of path)#OKAY RANTING OVER A FICTIONAL VAMPIRE MAN OVER#it's my blog and I deserve to be annoying here and write whatever I want. so here's that#delete later#eldrich.rambles#eldrich.rants
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#nothing quite like being plagued by something cruel your ex said about you 5 years later#im so worried im exactly what they said i was#that i cant let other people be upset or have emotions without making about me and getting upset as well#i hate it so much#i feel like im so manipulative and selfish#im terrified of reacting or being emotional about something thats happening because i cant be that person#i dont want to prove them right#and i feel like i keep being the pathetic selfish person they said i was#i cant shut it off i cant stop being emotional about things#i feel like such a selfish asshole
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Tbh I just really hate people that make me care for them and then turn around and make me suffer by watching themselves willingly put themselves through hell. They think they don’t deserve love. They think they don’t deserve to exist. They think they don’t deserve to be happy. They take my love for them and just throw it back in my face. They take the time and effort I put into them and basically say it means nothing. Their addiction to their misery means more to them than me.
My sympathy can only go so far. I only can care so much. Why should I save someone that repeatedly throws themselves into the fire?
But I will because I love them. And because of that, I hate them.
#rambles#self#DO YOU GET IT? DO YOU GET WHAT I MEAN???#it’s so complicated#i love them#i adore them#i think the world of them#but i also hate them#i think they’re pathetic#i find them to be cruelly selfish#the hardest thing is that i feel like i’m being judged for not trying to help them more actively#i feel people think i’m a bad and cruel person for judging them the way i do#i’ve been told i lack understanding and that i’ve’always been confident and headstrong’#unlike alh*itham though i am not a strong person#i am sensitive and not very resolute#i get guilty easily for feeling the way i do#i admire and envy people like him#th*ma and alh*itham are opposites#enfj and istp#but they share the trait of being able to see the truth without feeling guilty about it#but dom-judgers are all like that haha
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I just remembered that we've actually seen the exact same resurrection that Kylo/Ben does in Rise before. That's very close to what Anakin does in TCW with the daughter and Ahsoka.
#Misc star wars#Be funny if rey started getting followed around by a bird now too lol#I really like the thematic implications of that healing. You have to give up part of your energy for someone else#It's being completely selfless. Exactly what a Jedi stands for.#Palpatine could never have even imagined it because he was a petty and cruel and selfish person.#He's just not capable of giving anything away like that
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