#i feel like im so manipulative and selfish
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#nothing quite like being plagued by something cruel your ex said about you 5 years later#im so worried im exactly what they said i was#that i cant let other people be upset or have emotions without making about me and getting upset as well#i hate it so much#i feel like im so manipulative and selfish#im terrified of reacting or being emotional about something thats happening because i cant be that person#i dont want to prove them right#and i feel like i keep being the pathetic selfish person they said i was#i cant shut it off i cant stop being emotional about things#i feel like such a selfish asshole
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Wowie rly digging the yandere clone headcanons… how would each react if their darling tried to run away from them?!
You said tried so I assume this was a failed attempt!
Short answer: they get really upset and try making it your fault (shocker.) Ain't no way any of these mfs think they're the problem. Good news! you're mostly unharmed and alive.
This will just be purely writing bc i mostly had thoughts! sorry no drawing this time!!
[cw! mentions of potential harm to reader (no actual harm done), manipulation, toxic relationship dynamics (yandere flavor), obsessive behavior]
Sekido
You're always being hunted the moment the sun comes down and you don't return home in time. Reasons like that are exactly why he hates it when you part from him.
This time is different.. he can't find you in your usual spots. There's no fucking way, right?
How could you.. No, how DARE you? Do you think that he's some joke? That his feelings for you are something that you can run away from like it's nothing?
The second he's sure the sun won't harm him, he's already white knuckling his khakkhara, swinging at anything and everything in his path until he gets to you.
They know how to sense if you're near or not, hell, they probably know how your specific blood type smells like.
Did you think cuddling up to you and memorizing every detail about you was for nothing? Don't be stupid. All he needs is a trace of you and he's gone in the blink of an eye.
You better enjoy running while you can because when he catches you, and he will, those legs of yours won't have much use after he's done with them.
Sekido doesn't WANT to do this, but you honestly give him no choice. After he trusted you enough to stop looking over his shoulder, you do this? How can he ever put any faith in you again!?
On the bright(?) side, Sekido's rage wouldn't be solely on you, it'll ricochet onto everyone, especially the other clones and himself.
They were supposed to be looking after you! But they can't do anything right, even a task as simple as this.
And why did he think it was a good idea to trust them with something of big importance when all they do is fuck everything up!? Everyone's idiocy is rubbing off on him!
The entire time on his search for you, he's cursing and wanting to crush anything he can get his hands on, especially your bones.
He doesn't even bother with speaking to the others, too busy spewing out all sorts of hurtful and frustrated comments about everything.
The brutal thought that you’d rather run away than be with him isn't one he wants to entertain, but it's echoing in his head.
At least, once the other clones get there, Karaku and Aizetsu brawl with Sekido so you're unharmed while Urogi carries you overhead.
Sekido's jealousy flares up when he sees you in Urogi's arms, making him even more pissed if that's even possible. Great, now he looks like the bad guy and the other three, the saviors. Fucking perfect.
There's a lot of yelling and a lot of blood, especially with Urogi making things so much more annoyingly difficult in the air. Karaku and Aizetsu aren't helping. Why is Sekido suddenly the problem?! You ran away!!
But when he calms down enough, he's cursing at everyone through clenched teeth. Sometimes trying to convince the others that you don't even need your legs anyway!!
Once you get back home (or temporary prison until you somehow regain favor), Sekido will eye your legs while gripping his staff from time to time.
Exactly why he's forbidden to be in a room alone with you for a while until he settles down..
He glares at you more often and grows colder than before. Arguments are more common where he twists your words just to have you talk with him and be angry within reason.
Any other type of conversation makes him so irrationally upset that the others need to step in so that he doesn't lose his temper again.
Karaku
The calmest out of the group. He brushes it off as “you're playing hard to get” again, and if he makes a ruckus, you'll scamper back and beg him to stop like always!
Then it gets darker out.. and when Sekido left, he seemed pretty pissed. Like more than usual..... shit.
Karaku sprints after Sekido when it clicks that he's found you. His mind starts reeling, unsure whether he should laugh at the absurdity of your decisions or get pissed off because you didn't even bother to give a hint!
Not like that would do anything aside from give you away but regardless!
Everyone needs to relax, this is obviously something they can sweep under the rug. This isn't that big of a deal and you're just having a fit, but things like these can get you hurt, y'know?
They're fun and all, sure, just maybe give him a heads up next time, yeah? Sekido can't take a joke, you know this!!! Still.. There's a way Karaku can work with this.
He'll be able to swoop in, save you, be your hero, and remind you why staying with him is kinda important. Just in case you forgot~
You don't wanna be out and about without his charming grin and protective hold would you? Don't answer that right now, he has a feeling you'll say something wrong!
Yet.. what if you need a firmer hand to remind you of what Karaku provides? What if you got a little too comfortable being protected so you thought you'd be alright leaving them? Man, who knew you could be spoiled!
Because of this, he would purposely fumble, letting Sekido get near you just so he can stop him at the perfect moment. He purposely gets hit too and makes sure some blood gets near you. To remind you how that could've been yours.
When Sekido calms down, Karaku laughs in your face and would pinch your cheeks if you weren't up in the air with Urogi on the way home.
You should've seen your face! It was really cute~! Maybe getting scared is your thing? He'll note that for later.
He offhandedly advises you not to do things like that all the time, fighting Sekido always kinda sucks, but it's not like you actually had a chance of successfully running away so he won't chastise you too much for it.
That's not his job, and his heart hasn’t pumped that fast in a long time.. not even in a fight! You're so amazing~~
And delusional if you think he's not going to milk this “heroism” thing back there for some extra affection points with you.
Don't be so mean. he got his head blown off twice and jaw dislocated thrice, not to mention everywhere else on his body. Don't you think those parts of him need some extra loving? more than usual?
There's not that much Karaku can say after that aside from reminiscing like it was a funny story. He's not upset about it, mostly a little miffed you got kinda far without him noticing, but he gets over it.
The usual routine starts back up for him when you're back home. It's like nothing happened, but he keeps a closer eye on you since everyone's so tense.
Urogi
If you're not home before the sun sets, Urogi's clawing at the walls with stress. He usually accompanies Sekido to go find you, but this time is different. Urogi could just barely tell you were around.. When Sekido bolts, Urogi's flying as fast as he can, trying to find you first.
You're so far.. you must've gotten kidnapped!!!!!
The stress from before burns into anger, expecting to see someone having their hands on you while you're calling out in vain. How could he let this happen?! Damn sun!
He darts through the skies even faster imagining it, and when he finally reaches you, you look.. fine? and alone. and looking at him like he's the danger. He's here to save you, dummy..
Urogi falls to his knees, burying his face against your stomach and finally wrapping his arms around you again. Your fists violently hit his head and yank fistfuls of hair back, but it doesn't phase him.
Your comforting warmth is back, that's all that matters. And god, your smell.. it's almost making him dizzy. He missed you so much.
There's many holes to the story in Urogi's head as to why you're so far from home, but he fills them in with more convoluted delusions. It's just a peaceful reunion right now..
That is until Sekido finally arrives and starts swinging his khakkhara way too close to your fragile bones.
Now he's back in defense mode where he scoops you up and tries flying out of reach. This is so stressful!!! There's lightning everywhere and he keeps having to dodge the multiple staffs thrown his way.
He shields you with his wings as best he can while trying to stay in the air, so you don't get hurt during Sekido's outburst.
In the skies, it's much clearer to see the hurt behind the haunting glow of Urogi's eyes. Did you care about how he might feel? Did you miss him at all? Did you not feel loved enough? Did someone say something to you?
As he maneuvers the sky, he holds you as tightly as possible, lightly digging his talons into your skin.
Being without you for a couple hours is agonizing enough on its own. If you HAD left him, abandoned, cold, alone.. he doesn't want to think about it. All that matters is that your kidnappers or liars or whatever influenced you are gone, and you're back safe with them!!!
You.. you still like him, right? Of course you do, fate wouldn't force your paths together if it wasn't for a reason!
Coming back home is uncomfortably tense, especially with how violently Aizetsu kicked Urogi across the room, nearly through the wall, when he tried to lick your wounds clean. It really hurt!
When you're patched up, Urogi is ten times as clingy if that's possible. He has his arms looped around you constantly so you can't stray too far, and if his hands are busy, he always has his wings!
As happy as he is that you're back, he can't help but cry into your chest sometimes. Everything is so tense nowadays, he hates it! How could you go and do something like that? Apologize immediately! Or at least hold him too? Doubt creeps in a lot, and your attitude isn't helping..
His mood swings are stronger. From sobbing uncontrollably into your clothes to being all smiles and radiating with joy the next just because you said something vaguely decent.
Aizetsu
The demotivation started to creep in the second you left. During the day, Aizetsu sits by the door, wanting to be the first one you properly greet. Sekido and Urogi usually bring you back and he'll be the one in your good graces without lifting a finger. That sounds nice..
But as the footsteps fade and the silence lingers, Aizetsu feels miserable the longer he waits... Hold on, silence?
Before he realizes what's happening, he's already dashing to where the familiar commotion is coming from. Dread sets in as his legs take him as fast as they can whilst being the slowest of the four. This doesn't feel like they're rushing over to you after a long day, it feels.. dangerous?
What did you get yourself into..? Why do you insist on going to places Aizetsu can't follow? Are you safe? He hates not knowing.
Usually you're the one who's fine. You deal with four demons almost daily! Please please please be okay. He can't fathom it if you were hurt.
When he gets there, the puzzle pieces fall into place and Aizetsu gets even more depressed, but at least you're not hurt. Well, not if he interferes. His movements are sluggish, a perpetual frown plastered on his face as he tries holding Sekido down.
Aizetsu wants to dissolve into the floor, and he does sometimes. Not wanting to fight Sekido off anymore, he slumps over.
This could've been a regular day where you came home.. Are you serious? Leaving? How pitiful could you be to actually think you could get away? Or was it that you wanted to play some sick joke on them? Well, it's not very funny... It's terrible actually.
Aizetsu stays silent on the way home, walking with a bit more energy knowing you're near despite his heart ache.
You can feel the harrowing disappointment radiating off of him the moment you all go back home.
He's tired, annoyed, and so unbelievably upset. Aizetsu grimaced when Urogi got near your scratches with his tongue, so he “politely” ushered him away.
Knowing a human's weak points is good in battle, but he started trying to learn how to heal them, specifically because he knew these types of things might happen.
As he cleans your scratches, he's actively scolding you for leaving in a cold emotionless tone. And by scolding, he's using manipulative language, trying to make you guilty for everything you did.
He barely has the energy to live, but now that he finally found his light in the darkness, you want to leave? Is it so wrong he wants to hold onto what makes him even a smidgen happier than usual? He reminds you that he'll wither away without you, but he's not really too keen on dying just yet.
When he tries to get back into a routine, he just can't. He knows why you left, but he doesn't want to hear it. Even if you're sweet to him or not, he'll hold you from behind when you rest.
Looking at you is too much, but being away from you is even worse. Aizetsu compromises this way, but gets quieter, occasionally sniffling when he hides his face behind you.
There's too much going on and he's so tired.. If it weren't for the others, he probably would've held you so tight for so long so that you both would perish together.
Maybe that’s why he's only allowed to hold you when you're asleep. Just please don't do that again.. He NEEDS you. Please, please, please.
Safe to say you gave them a scare. When they double down on the protectiveness, living is ten times more difficult for EVERYBODY. when you lose their trust, it's pretty difficult to gain it back, but not impossible!!
Sekido and Urogi will always assume the worst if you're gone for too long while Karaku and Aizetsu give you a little more freedom until the others drag them along into their worries.
#null rot#yandere demon slayer#yandere kny#yandere kimetsu no yaiba#Sekido#Karaku#Urogi#Aizetsu#cloaked cult member#not art#null brainwash#null gospel#IM NOT A WRITER!!!! JUST A REMINDER!!!!!!!!! JST A RAMBLER!!!!!!!!!!!!#i really couldn't think of anything drawing wise to go along with this.... but I really wanted to write for it even if I'm a bit amateur#Am I even doing this bullet thing right?? I'm not good at cohesive thoughts. but I try!! I hope I did this right..??#Also. Sekido honestly doesn't want to hurt you or even put his hands on you. he's just really scared you might something will happen to you#how the fuck is he going to live with himself if you somehow get eaten by another demon? or worse. used as bait from either demon or slayer#now that upper moon fucking four has a soft spot. its really selfish of you to run away..#don't you see how that can ruin everyone's lives including your own!? (manipulative)#why he gets more upset with any other type of convo at the end is bc it reminds him of how things were before. they were good.#but you had to ruin it didn't you? (manipulative ×2) and for sure for sure. if he holds your hand you're getting a bruise.#Karaku is hella chill bc he's wayyy too cocky that he can find you again. the little arrogance he has rearing its head again.#Hes not stupid. he knows you want to escape. but that means he has to whittle you down a little more. get you used to this. to them. to him#You can't escape. he won't let you. He belongs with you. so just try and get comfortable. yeah?#Urogi.. going through it. Hes like your ankle monitor. very fragile minded with his mood swings but extremely stubborn about letting you go#Hit him. pull at his hair. push him away. spit at him. hes sad for a while but bounces back. he always does! and he knows you will too!!#He just needs to wait.. even if it hurts his feelings sometimes. but never for long because you'll be back to loving him like before!#Aizetsu's stuck in a loop of angry -> sad until he ends up quietly crying because hes depressed you dont like them. eveything is pitiful.#he cant even move on bc youre his light. nothing will change that. even if you hurt him. all he can beg of you is to be kind to him. adjust#hes not the monsters you think he is. he can be sweet kind gentle. whatever you want.. just please.
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main takeaway from certain fan reactions to the finale is this:
the final scene with ankarna was so meaningful to the bad kids' arcs and how they made peace with being wronged by people they loved, and if all you can focus on is that the rat grinders didn't get much screentime, then you don't love dimension20 and you don't love this world: you want to be playing your own hs themed dnd campaign and you're mad the oc versions of the rat grinders you made up in your head acted ooc. these are not your characters and this is not their story.
#sorry but it made me so mad after seeing that scene and the epilogues of tbks progressing on their journey to healing#that all anyone cared about was the fucking rat grinders not getting a steven universe moment to explain how trying to end the world was ok#brennan went out of his way to point out klck CHOSE rage over her friends + abused her party for her own selfish agenda and ppl are mad#that tbks didnt want to revive her. where was this outcry for penelope everpetal who was arguably more manipulated and is also in HELL#i keep harping on that point but its such an obvious comparison i feel insane that these ppl dont get it#ppl are even trying to argue against lucy's own words ab being upset her friend MURDERED her bc they flattened her to their uwu soft girl#like lucy was never a doormat. she was braver than all of them. why would she be unconditionally forgiving at her party for being evil#sorry ur toxic yuri ship sucked. klck didnt care she died. the real yuri shouldve been yolanda and zara. if u even care#actually im more annoyed we didnt some quick zara resolution but ppl are too hung up on trgs to notice#dimension 20#fantasy high junior year#fhjy#fhjy spoilers#fhjy discourse#i guess
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:(
#i dont really like getting mopey on this account but things have . sucked ass for a really long time#and its really getting to me that my situation is just inescapable and intolerable#my arm might be broken and it doesn't even change anything except that ive seen the cats even less because ive been barricading my door#i hate asking for help knowing im still stuck here#that the support people give can only go to buying me time rsther than an actual solution dusgusts me. i feel horrific over it#ive never completed anything. i just take and take snd take and im so tired of it.#im too much and i get that. i really do. i just don't have anything else left but that#its going to be six years of denial soon. i want to grieve. i want to be allowed to grieve#but i can't express anything in this house except silence. i cant be angry or its wrong. i cant be happy or im being manipulative.#i cant talk or im selfish and intrusive. and im tired.#i just need a hug man. and affordable rent.#sorry for all of that. just struggling to be normal#patch me through to palaven command
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quick af btw >> you can hate dutch van der linde without calling him an evil snake who eats people..,,,, genuine serious if you think hes a cannibal GET OUT OF HERE
#yall the anti semitism in this room is CRAZYYYY#i see so many people boil his character down to >> greedy selfish money hungry manipulator who feels nothing narcissist#and then i heard there was a CANNIBAL THEORY GUYS PLEASW#points to him.... he has black hair and facial hair thats often shown in jewish charicatures AND a hooked nose..#im not gonna say any of it was exactly intentional or anything im just saying some of yall need to take a step back and think about where#some of these theories are coming from yknow#also cause the cannibal theory holds no ground. his tall trees camp LITERALLY HAS CHICKENS N SHIT RUNNING AROUND AND FUCKING PREDATORS#THAT KILL YOU MID MISSIOON I GOT EATEN BY LIKE 2 BEARS GUYS. PLEASE. HE CAN FUCKING HUNT.#also cause the first character who mentions being eaten by dutchs gang (which are mostly native americans btw) is the hyper racist professo#who only says it CUASE HES RACIST ASF guys please. please. idgaf theres bones under a chair theyre ANIMAL BONES he has DEER AND ELK SKULLS#EVERYWHERE GUYS. there are cannibals in rdr1 they established using an arm model for them. BUT ANYWAY im getting off track#you can hate him idgaf#this is a reminder that you dont even need a reason to hate a character you can just hate them#dutch van der linde#i will tag him idgaf i think its important enough
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even when it's free designs it's so hard to justify sharing art when your mind is trying its best to convince you that you're just subjecting people to it and negatively effecting everyone.
probs gonna log off for a while, not handling how physically painful this is too well
Thank you to everyone that's tried to reach out.
I'm so sorry for being like this and making people worry.
#not art#rayns rambling again#negative#ask to tag#the amount of time thats just spent curled up in bed is laughable#hate how people are nothing but kind to me but it still ends like this#it feels like im taking advantage of people or dont care about others efforts#i genuinely appreciate how much people try to help and it truly means a lot#but im awful with words so it feels like any way i show that comes off as a lie or im faking#even better is feeling like i just emotionally manipulated people into feeling bad for me due to being selfish or something#the fact that id rather hurt myself than bother others in the slightest probs says a lot heh#feeling like you honestly dont deserve to be happy for a second is its own special kind of hell heh#wouldnt wish this shit on anyone
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good evening to everyone except a certain few fucking anons
#go fuck yourselves like seriously what the fuck#im so sick of this#this is about the last two anons by the way. i havent gotten any more because i turned off anon asks#if you wanna know why anon asks are off blame those two assholes#seriously that stupid shits been getting to my head#you know why? because every fucking person around here (especially my mum) LOVES to criticise me and accuse me of victimising myself#literally every fucking thing i do is wrong around here down to my hair#all these fucking adults like to bully me about MY hair#fuck you if i want bangs I'll keep the bangs#literally it seems like they're just doing whatever they can to change me into someone else. someone they want#this fucking culture of mine is so shitty i swear to god#like they think that BULLYING you is people being honest with you#and that if someone's nice to you theyre shittalking you behind your back#(honestly considering some of the people i see i wouldn't be surprised)#and im not even doing anything thats WRONG either. im different and not one of these people can tolerate that#yeah my mum sent me a video of a goat with curly hair and implied she thinks my bangs are like that. in a derogatory manner btw#so yeah that's had me pissed and then the fucking anons were also making me pissed#fuck you I'm gonna be as selfish as i want when i post on MY blog#this blog is MINE#I decide what i write and how much i wanna shittalk someone who upset me to get my feelings out. if anyone wants to call me selfish fuck you#and you know what? fuck That Person too. they geniunely messed me up more than they helped me#yes. im still gonna talk about them. im still gonna complain because FUCK YOU I NEED TO GET IT OUT SOMEHOW OKAY#I NEED THIS SHIT OUT OF ME AND IT GETS BACK INTO MY HEAD SO I NEED IT OUTSIDE#and fuck you anons who gave your unwanted opinion. if you cant say anything nice SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTHS#i was taken advantage of and manipulated#and apparently I'm the bad guy for small mistakes like excuse me#and then that person even told a friend of theirs once to attack me (over text) like what#i just cant anymore it needs to be fucking out#and im not sorry for complaining about this because this is my blog and i will complain on here. this blog is for ME. for MY happiness.#and as such i will fucking complain shit and i will fucking post my vents because thats the only way i can send these emotions off for good
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jesus fucking christ.
#abt wilbur.#abuse#this is largely going to be my rambling immediate largely self centric thoughts so . yknow keep scrollin if you dont want that.#i have nothing meaningful to add to the conversation except watch shelbys vod.#at first i only saw wills tweet bc my brother told me about it#and i thought it was about his EX ex girlfriend or something so i brushed it off like 'oh okay damn a general misunderstanding'#then i searched tumblr saw shubble. found her vod . jesus christ.#hes always poked fun at himself being like 'yeah im shit and manipulative'#so theres always been a nagging. ick . in the back of my head. but never enough to actually. stop myself from liking his content/music.#so yeah. another lesson in 'no no red flags exist for a reaosn. listen to your instincts is a saying for a reason.'#all the love and support to shelby. her candidness & how obviously much she HAS been able to grow past THAT SHIT is genuinely inspirational#not that she needs to be inspirational etc. etc. its just good to know she'll be okay. shes in a good place. thank god.#all the stress for wilburs content friends. whether theyve been manipualteed whether theyve whatever i hope theyre . making good choices.#i say give them time. ik theres a lot of creators immediately coming out. therell be a lot who have to process this shit.#there'll be a lot whove. knowinigly / accidentally been complicit. theyre individuals treat them as such.#personally i just . have not cared about m a n y dsmp era mcyt for a W H I L E . so im happy to detach forever at thsi rate.#i havent been in the mcyt sphere for a hot fucking minute now. i hope youre all doing okay.#this shit hits weird. its okay to feel weird. if you want somewhere to vent my dms the replies on this post the tags are all free and open.#don't stew in it. you dont have to fear feeling selfish or self-centric or shifting the spotlight. you need to let that shit out.#thsis hit sucks !!!! a bunch of his/lvjy songs are comfort songs for me.#idk what the fuck to do about that. my immediate /want/ is to burn it. but thats easier said than done sometimes#if youre gonna 'separate the art from the artist' at least fucking pirate his music. youtube to mp3 that shit.#you can add local 'on your computer' files to spotify.#seperate art from the artist by seperating his monetary gain of YOUR consumption of it as much as possible. /AT LEAST/.#but also good luck separating his largely personal art from him.#im not tryna be condescending im in the same boat.#fucking white whine in a wetherspoons is no. 2 on my panic attacks playlist.#thats not his to take from me anymore. but ik if i listen to it ever again itll make my skin crawl.#ofc its not about me. its not about us the unaware fans. and im glad to know for sure now hes a REAL piece of shit.#m
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genuinely hate the fact im so needy and so hard to love and avoidant at at the same time. like jesus woman PICK A STRUGGLE
#.txt#vent#all i know how to do is let people down <3#i feel like so manipulative yk?#i want love so bad but push away anyone who actually cares bc im scared of#i guess showing someone what i am#which is a selfish bitch<3#im a parasite#i lie all the time im genuinely so fucking awful and i dont deserve anything or anyone <3
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it’s so frustrating being in a position where i dont have my own car i might just kms and be done with it all
#— rambles with cadie#im kinda joking kinda not#im just so tired of fighting and arguing. i dont have a god damn voice and when i do try to speak for myself i get manipulated and guilted#into shutting up and staying quiet on what i want. can i just be a little god damn selfish for once in my life ? is it#really that horrible of me to move forward in getting a job ? ‘how will you get there? no one can drive you i dont have time for it’#thanks mom. you really are just the best person to turn to arent you ? i hope you fucking realize#how your words affect me mentally and emotionally. i hope you realize that#the second i have a chance to get the hell out of here i will take it and leave#god i hate it here so much. i cant fucking live i feel suffocated and i feel trapped#just wanna kinda die atp lmao. like what is the point in all of this
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i am having a great time here on life dot com
#/s#i only ate a scrambled egg today; i couldnt finish it and i feel sick#something else happened today that just showed how this girl is even more manipulative. how did you turned out like this.#or maybe you were ALWAYS like this and youre just showing your true nature now? how i didnt realized this before? we were friends for years#and honestly at this point i would say whatever ruin your life; nobody is going to stay that long around you like we did.#but you have A WHOLE ASS CHILD. A 4 NEARLY 5 MONTHS OLD BABY THAT DEPENDS TOTALLY ON YOU!!!!#STOP BEING SO SELFISH!!!! AT LEAST THINK ABOUT THE SON YOU CLAIM TO LOVE!!!!#maybe im exaggerating but i feel betrayed by someone i saw as a sister + i saw her son as a nephew.#i already lost a 11 years friendship last year why is this happening to me again. and is ending in a horrible way#sorry that the rest of the group dared to still do friend stuff even after you became a mom and thus became unable to do certain things now#i *get* it; you feel envious. but we cant stop our lives just because YOURS changed. we told you multiple times we love you and your son#we love when you bring him with you because we love him; and two of us dont even like kids that much. we were excited the whole pregnancy#we supported you because we can imagine how difficult being a young; single mom is. we did that because youre important#but we committed the horrible sin of doing things without you; because you yourself said you couldnt and/or dont want to go#we committed the horrible sin of still being friends with each other and eventually bring in another friend#whom we tried for you to get along; but it didnt happened and were in the wrong for still hanging out with him.#we tried to talk about you feeling excluded from the group; but you only told us 'i dont know'; because if you directly said#'i dont like that you three have a social life together without me even when im literally unable to follow your steps now because im a mom'#you would sound extremely selfish. and you know what? you are. i get missing the stuff youre not able to do now being a mom; its normal#but its not a fucking excuse to try to destroy the rest of the group. i love how youre pretending to be the victim in this case#by saying 'oh [x] said she felt uncomfortable with me she doesnt want to be friends with us anymore :((' when its not what happened#she said the problem is YOU; not the rest of us. she told you the problems she has with you; we saw the fucking convo#and youre twisting her words to make her look like the attacker. plus trying to make us think she also wants to stop being friends with us?#literally not whats happening. you think were just going to take your word anyway and not ask her about it?#even when breaking a friendship out of nowhere is pretty important? were just going to go 'oh [x] is a bitch' without asking anything.#also we know now she has been your punching bag for so long. we saw convos and your recent attitude towards her confirm it.#anyway youre a fucking selfish manipulator who cares about things going her way only. and were seeing it now#well; i guess at least it means were aware of your true nature; even if we feel betrayed for how long you pretended towards us#things are going downwards and is literally your fault#negative
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just a vent dont mind me
thinking about like. you know like. when you do a lot for someone you love, or just in general, like, you put in a lot of effort into something, into helping someone or making them happy, and like. you do it because you love them, or because you care about them, or just because you want to help, or because it's right, or because you just like making people happy. and that's great, that's fine, like. you really aren't doing it for something. like you don't expect anything back. they certainly don't owe you anything, they didn't ask for it, and you wanted to do it, and you'd do it again. will do it again. but sometimes it kind of--like. unfairly, selfishly, it kind of hurts that no one does the same for you. like. it feels like maybe you're not worth it. and that's silly, like. you didn't do it so that they'd do something for you, and you offered, you did it without being asked, you did it because you wanted to, and that's--that's fine. they don't owe you anything. no one owes you anything. it's petty to think i did this for you, why can't you do this for me? it's selfish. and that's fine. like. it's fine. like. it's not that you want to stop doing nice things--even if the petty thought occurs to you, the second it actually comes time, you'll immediately give in because you want them to be happy, you like doing nice things, even at cost of your preciously rare time and energy, and that's okay! they don't ask--or maybe they do, but they fully would take no for an answer and not be upset about it, and you know it's your choice--you just do it because you want to. but is it so selfish to just. wish someone would want to for you, for once? without being asked? to want to be the one taken care of? to be the one someone cooks for just because, or takes care of when you're sick, or someone goes out of their way to watch something with you even if they're not interested, or like. just. anything. anything like that. just because it's you, or just because they can, and it's nice. is that so bad. why does it always feel like you put more in than they do. why do you feel bad about it when they didn't ask you to, you're the one putting that in, and they don't owe you something equal just because you decided to go overboard. like. it's just. being too much, i guess. wanting too much. i dunno. might cry a bit.
......anyway, [bill wurtz voice] you could make a blorbo fanfic out of this
yes, yes. projecting onto blorbos. That Will Fix Me.
so if you see some extremely specific angst fic from me later, [rainbow star goes across the screen] Now You Know
#this is mostly about one specific person but she doesn't even have a tumblr so it's not like she'll see this. well maybe a few people but#no one who has my tumblr. but also just in general i think i just. i dont know sometimes i think i pour too much of myself into everything#i like. Feel Too Deeply.#care too much? maybe? and then feel selfish when i feel bad it isn't necessarily returned with the same level of intensity?#i don't know that makes it sound like it's everyone and it's not#but just like. it's a pattern#not with everyone i've ever met/befriended or anything but like. with more than one person ive cared really deeply about#but how much of that is real and how much of it is my warped perceptions? thrown off by self esteem issues and self centeredness?#i so easily misunderstand things. or do i? maybe im jsut really easy to manipulate? or both? although manipulate implies its on purpose#i dont think it is#but i guess i wouldnt know#im a little too stupid for that#i dont know .ignore me#vent#man my mommy issues are out of hand#delete later#probably#yknow i dont remember al ot of my childhood but surely she did like. hug me sometimes right? like take care ofme when i was sick? i know#that dad did but like. it's not like she's actually terrible at parenting and she likes young kids and it was pre-losing my dad so like#probably??? right???? i just dont remember???#oh no my hands are shaking thats not good#god 'cares too much' this makes me sound like some kind of saint or something. not what i mean. just like. ugh i dont know#its. its annoying.
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Prevvvv...... im eaaatingggg thisss.... I'm curious, what do you think of the HC that martin's explosive personality later is overcompensating bcause the lonely's sort of eaten away at his feelings? Taking into account everything said here?
Worst pain
#tma#cab blabs#like a character can know exactly when the fuck theyre being manipulated and used by external forces#while also still wanting to be optimistic despite it all.#Im so very fond of this take#i think you shouldn't be afraid to say it prev. Martin deserves to be selfish and seize his own autonomy#he spent so much of the first and second season being undermined and having that taken away from him#and I think that anger really got amplified later on- For sake of masking the fact that he doesn't quite feel anything or the need to filte#because of the lonely? Idk#thats just my own interpretation#and I want to hear what you think!
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😓
#theyre high and their sister is over and im in the room but i feel alone#they dont have any space for me for good reason#and i keep asking#im just awful#horrible and self centered and like my mother#i tried to hide in my room but they heard me crying#i asked her to stay with me for a minute and she said she didnt want to leave her sister#she said shed spent too much time up there already#i feel ashamed and embarrassed#im so fucking selfish#i dont deserve to have a partner#who cares that im going to the hospital#her mom being missing is so much worse than me crying over being hospitalized#im so awful#i want to punish myself for being so self centered#i don't want to be here anymore#i cant do it i cant keep making their lives worse#i cant keep guilt tripping and pressuring and manipulating people#im just like my mom#i feel alone and i deserve it#i deserve to feel pain#i deserve it
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sometimes i think too hard about yae miko and lose it. and there's never any outlet
#look people are so weird about her and i get it! it is the Be Weird About People fandom!#and she's unambiguously a sexy fox lady so like. i do get where it's coming from#and it's understandable that people don't talk as much about the inazuma characters bc the inazuma archon quests were uh. v bad lmao#but yae miko is soooo#like shes so different from any other character. she's unapologetically selfish and possessive and manipulative#like idk i think she sucks. she sucks in a way that the playable characters are v rarely allowed to suck#but she cares so deeply about that which is hers#and will annoy everybody else!! she's just here for the bit! she's lazy! she singlehandedly saved her country!#i feel like every few months i go through a phase where im done w genshin and then i get dragged back by something#never enough to actually write more fic or draw art but like. enough to play the game and think about it yaknow#out of resin#candles speaks
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I hate being the youngest of my family members
#found out my honorary uncle (who's essentially my second dad) has liver cancer and its probably late stage#because he hasn't been to a doctor for regular checkups for 20 years#he's probably going to die soon just like my dad did after we found out he had lung cancer#and it hurts so bad to lose 2 dads in the span of 5 years#but I feel like this time I have to hold myself together more because my mom and sister are freaking out#meanwhile Im crying about it but Im trying not to go insane because for me watching everyone I love die is inevitable#as the youngest Im cursed to watch all my loved ones and relatives pass as I continue to grow older#because mom had me at 48 or 49 years old#it feels like a curse. I didn't wanna be here as it is but I get to be punished for being alive anyways#idk maybe its selfish to say that#but its not like I get to cope in a healthy way#because on top of grief my abuse is going to get worse#because when my mom is really upset she yells at me more and starts getting verbally abusive#as does my sister but with her she's going to get more manipulative and controlling#and Im stuck dealing with it. and if it gets real bad it'll drive my datemate away. its all a mess#and all i want to do is grieve in peace. but I have to mentally prepare myself for everything that's going to happen instead#so I have no time to let things settle in my mind and heart#Im in such a bad place right now#sam's rants about life
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