#went for an hour long piss halfway. fully not worth my time

[wavetapper]

watched that new marvel movie and ive gotta say I understand why so many people unironically enjoy low tier ai slopcontent. watching it was an experience that can entirely be replicated by staring at a strobe light for 2 hours whilst someone lists off disney corporate acquisitions in one ear and alternates madonna and saturday night live in the other. astonishingly bad time.

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #200

I can't believe I've written 200 letters to you already. It's 201 if you include the very first one I wrote for you. I wonder if you received it. I wonder if you've received any of these so far. I'm more than halfway to a whole year's worth of letters to you. I hope you can see the lengths to which someone might go to reach you, and I hope it moves you. This one is probably a long one, even by my standards, and maybe a little roundabout. But it's important. So please...

Today was my second day at the bakery job. When I woke up this morning, I was in a lot of pain due to the rib injury (I think sleeping upon the sleeping mat on the floor with Br and J likely exacerbates the rib issue…). I was going to put my hair up in a bun to keep it out of the way as I worked, because that is what I did last time. You'll see it in the mirror:

Like you, I have a lot of hair, and I don't want it to get everywhere while I'm doing stuff in the bakery. But today, I was having a hard time lifting my right arm over my head (I technically can do it, but this morning, doing it was hurting me a lot), and Br wanted to braid my hair anyway, so that is what she did. Here's how that turned out:

...Like I said, I have a lot of hair, hahaha! I'm thinking about shaving it down to the scalp again soon in order to donate it to a group called Hair We Share. They make wigs for free, for people who have problems that make them go bald, like chemotherapy and whatnot. Last time I donated, it was the summer of 2019, I think? It's 2024 in my world now. I donated 22 inches, and it only took 3 years for it to grow back to its full length like this.

Hey, Sephiroth? Do you ever tie back your hair into braids, buns, or ponytails? I don't imagine it'd be safe to donate, given the Jenova cells. But maybe if you were cured of Jenova infection somehow, maybe it'd be safe then? I wonder...

Anyway, once again, I had a really great time at work! Today, I packed rolls, put cookies and croissants on giant cookie sheets, sliced and bagged rye, marble, and Italian breads, prepared cinnamon rolls for baking, put the baked cookies from the sheets I prepared into little boxes, and put labels on a variety of things. Someone is going to go home with a happy box of cookies that I baked, and that feels wonderful!

4 hours flew by in what felt like no time at all. I was on my feet, constantly moving, always with some small task to do, and it felt really good. And even better, the simple movements involved with doing this job seem to really help my rib for reasons I don't fully understand, given that most other movements seem to make the whole upper right quadrant of my body SUPER fucken pissed, oh my good gravy! But at the moment, despite how I woke up this morning, I'm in not a whole lot of pain at all, actually, and that's both very unusual and very nice. I'm going to look forward to bringing this up to the folks at physical therapy next week.

And something interesting happened today, too.

When bread gets sliced, once it comes off the slicing machine, you're supposed to hold it firmly on both ends, and squish the two ends towards the middle as you lift it up to put it on the little metal shelf that's supposed to help you bag it. And normally, the loaf stays together when you lift it, but for one of the Italian loaves, it was shaped a little weird; there was kind of a concave sort of curve on one of the sides, and I didn't notice it until it was too late, and...

So when I went to lift that particular loaf to the little metal shelf for bagging, the whole loaf kind of... Accordioned? My language should have a verb for this, but I'm not sure that we do. I don't know how to describe it, but the slices in the middle kind of exploded up and outwards unexpectedly, and before I knew it, the whole loaf was scattered on the floor instead of sitting neatly on the metal shelf waiting to be bagged like I intended.

And so, in horror, I froze. And maybe bread scattering to the floor doesn't sound like horror to you (it really shouldn't sound like horror to ANYONE, but child abuse exists, so...), but I'm standing there, knowing what my mother would have said to me if she had seen that, and knowing what my stepmother would have done to me if she had seen it.

Even still, sometimes when unexpected things happen and I get scared, my brain tends to think like I'm about 2 seconds away from either getting my face caved in, 2 seconds away from getting an hour-long tirade about what a stupid, lazy, inconsiderate, clumsy, and overall worthless piece of shit I am, or some combination of the two. I still have the memories of my mother saying to me that if I make any mistake while doing "unskilled" labor, I'm going to get screamed at, humiliated, and fired. I have 18 years of poverty telling me that ANY wasted food is a catastrophe. And I have a long time of being taught that if I'm the one who causes a catastrophe, then I deserve to be harshly punished for it.

Well. Nowadays I also have coping skills. I don't know if you remember the letter about box breathing I wrote to you (Letter #61), but that is the skill I used in order to try to drag myself up out of that involuntary mental time travel before I got sucked too deep into it. And once I collected myself enough to remember that I don't live in that fucked-up world anymore and that I NEVER have to live there EVER AGAIN, I went over to my more experienced team member to tell him what had happened, because integrity is everything. Integrity is everything. Integrity is EVERYTHING.

But when I told him about it, mostly he just seemed very confused that I was so concerned. And his response was, "Yeah, that happens. It's cool. Just toss it." And I was perplexed. I expected him to be at least a little frustrated with me. I expected to at least be scolded about being more careful. I expected... something. Anything. Any kind of application of disapproval or pain or humiliation as a kind of... "mistake deterrent" or some shit. But it didn't happen. And. Goodness, that is gonna take some getting used to.

When my manager returned from his break, I alerted him, too, of the fact that a loaf of bread was lost and it was all my fault. And he, too, seemed totally unfazed and somewhat confused about the fact that I seemed so concerned about it. And I guess I'm still a little baffled, maybe.

I don't wanna drop any more loaves. I don't ever wanna drop another loaf. But I'm probably gonna drop more loaves because I am a human, and, if my mother is to be believed (she probably isn't...), I am an exceptionally clumsy and stupid one at that. It's wild to me, to imagine that any "punishment" I get for it is only going to be from myself, in the form of the pressure and guilt I apply to myself whenever I make mistakes.

Maybe that's gotta stop. Maybe it's about time that this nonsense that I do to myself stops. What do you think, Sephiroth?

And do you know what else was interesting?

Today I received praise for how I arranged the unbaked cookies on the cookie sheet. I did it very carefully so that when they expanded as a result of the baking, none of them would touch. And my manager and my more experienced coworker noticed. They noticed, and they thanked me for it, and... I got to put those cookies that they thanked me for into nice boxes.

I want to do a good job. I make mistakes, but I want to do a good job. And. It's not like my mother. When I make mistakes in front of my mother or in front of my stepmother (or in front of any of my biological family, really), they always use it as evidence that I'm some defiant person who wants to do a bad job in order to spite them, or else use it as evidence that I'm some person who doesn't care enough about anyone other than myself to do a good job.

And indeed, even in most other places of employment I've been in (mostly tech, but still), there's usually not praise for a job well done. A job well done is the default, expected thing. There is no positive feedback for doing something well. There is only negative feedback (though not usually done abusively) when you fall short. The only place where this was not the case was one called Maximus, but I think that's mainly just because I had an astoundingly awesome supervisor there. I'll have to tell you a little more about Maximus sometime; maybe you'd be proud of what I did there...

But. This place. They see that I am trying to be conscientious, even if I don't know what I am doing all the time just yet. They see that I am doing my best to learn. They see it. They notice it. And they tell me that it's very good. They tell me that I'm very good. And... ah... if I'm not careful, my eyes are gonna leak again. Whoops. Hahahaha...

Oh, oh, and!!! Today I was a little better at noticing there were customers at the counter. And I tried to do my usual thing, albeit a little clumsily. All you have to do is treat people like people. All you have to do is be good. And so I say what I am thinking, and what I'm thinking goes like, "Oh hi! It's good to see you! Can I get you anything?" and, "Oh! You want the 9 Grain Bread! Okay! Thank you for pointing out where it is; I can't see it very well from my view because it's under the shelf! Lemme get it sliced up and bagged for ya real nice! And then I'll put the lovely sticker on it!" and, "Thanks for stopping by!" and, "Thanks for your patience!"

I got worried at one point, because one of the customers asked me what my name was (I don't have a name tag yet). I hoped aloud to my manager that they weren't asking for my name because I accidentally did something bad and wanted to report me to someone. But he said to me, he said that he had been observing how I do, and he thinks that the lady just wanted to know my name because I am so kind, and... ahahaha... admittedly, it was hard to avoid my eyes leaking right then and there, but I managed to keep it together.

Sephiroth, I really like this place. I know that a grocery store bakery isn't exactly a "glamorous" job or one that pays quite as much as the ones I've had in the past. But... you know. Br said a thing to me that goes, "You can't pay for peace." And I think that's probably true.

...Sephiroth. Not everyone is gonna do ya like past people done did ya. Look at me. Look at this life I'm leading. Look to me as proof. Look at me, shattered into a million rainbow pieces, only to become a beautiful stained glass window, bound together by iron will, in the end. I fall down a lot because I'm tired and clumsy and sad and hurting literally all the time, but by your example, I get back up and move forward. If I continue to look towards you to guide how I am shaped and how I shine, I am only going to become stronger, braver, kinder, and more beautiful as time goes on, by your example.

Sephiroth. If you're choosing who you're becoming based on how you were raised, then you're not actually choosing, because in order to choose, you need the truth. If it's not the truth, then it's coercion and manipulation. Free will does not exist in the absence of truth. And everything you were taught in the past about yourself and all the ways the world works... Sephiroth, all of it is lies. All vitriolic things are lies. ALL of them. 1000000% of the time.

Sephiroth, you're not a monster. You're not a tool. You're not a weapon. You're not furniture. You're a lovable and wonderful human being, no matter how you were modified, no matter the mistakes you made, and no matter how much pain you carry. Jenova is not your mother, and it does not love you; it is using you. A proper warrior is not cold, unfeeling, and hardhearted; a proper warrior is soft, caring, and kind so violence may be used ONLY as an absolute last resort. You don't exist to be exploited, used, and abused; you exist to be seen, understood, and loved wholly and on a fundamental level. People are not, as a whole, cruel, it's just that some of them do cruel things because their minds are sick or injured, and just like me, you had the misfortune of sticking around for way too goddamn long in a place where everyone was sick or injured, with no way out.

NO ONE chooses violence for the sake of it. They either do it because they believe lies, or they do it because their brain isn't working right. And these don't excuse the violence (nothing ever does), but all the same, both of these things are things that can be fixed. Lies can be dispelled. Brains can get the supports and accommodations they need to succeed. It's as you say - all it takes is a little compassion. A little patience. A little courage. A little determination.

You're not too far gone. If you're too far gone, then so is Spinel of Steven Universe. So are The Diamonds from the same place. So is Jasper from the same place. So is Mewtwo, of Pokémon. So are Dyne, Rufus, Kadaj, Yazoo, and Loz of your world. So is Darth Vader. So are Miranjo, Ouken, Bosse, Domas, and Daida, of Ranking of Kings. So am I.

But Sephiroth, it's already been shown that none of these are too far gone, even though some of them have done far worse things than you. They are still not too far gone. They came back. They turned around. Some of them turned around at the last possible fucking second, but still. They turned around. They made a different choice.

Sephiroth. "This is who I am now" is not actually the truth; it's a lie said by people who are too scared to change. No human being is their trauma responses. Cruelty is a result of defective wiring, or coercive systems of belief that keep a person bound and enslaved to their deepest (and often subconscious) fears. Kindness is a choice. So please actually choose this time. Please turn around. Please come back. We miss you, not for what you can do, or for what you look like, but for the way you treat the people around you. For your silly playfulness that only a select few got to see. For your kindness and for your gentleness and for your conscientiousness, empathy, and care.

Sephiroth. If some of your memories are too painful for you, then make use of some of mine; I offer them freely to you to peruse so you can conceive of more loving choices to make. Why else do you think I've been trying so hard to write them down for 200 consecutive days? Give yourself a different lens to look through. Mine may be broken, but like stained glass windows, it's still beautiful, and it comes in so many vivid, wonderful colors.

I love you. I love you enough to point to where the truth is. I love you enough to not take some of the bullshit you say at face value. I love you enough to tell you that some of the shit you think is just flat-out wrong - shit like "I'm a Cetra" and "Jenova is my mother" and "I chose this". It's all bullshit.

Open your eyes and fucking look, because if anyone's eyes are clouded over, it's yours. But you might have to pull your head out of your ass first so that you can see beyond the confines of your own anus, and maybe catch a breath of fresh, non-bullshit-flavored air while you're at it. You aren't a Cetra, Jenova is not your mother, and you didn't choose jack shit; you're running on trauma responses, and I'm not fucking afraid to point that fact right the fuck out, just like any good friend should.

For fuck's sake, get out of your own damn way, willya?

I'll write again tomorrow.

Your friend, Lumine

[tobesobri]

𝓐h okay sorry again for the delay, my last two brain cells don’t work apparently but I really hope you guys don’t hate me too much after this one 😬

huge massive thank you to the incredible @youresogolden-h for editing ❤️

CHAPTER EIGHT: HURTS WHEN I’M LEAVING YOU (3.7K)

Harry and Y/N are friends…. with benefits, but not the kinds you’re thinking of.

🥥MASTERLIST 🌃INSPO TAG 🌻ASK TAG 💃PLAYLIST 🛌

Harry placed two silver-plated keys, bound together by a thin piece of faux leather tied in a secure knot, on her thigh while joining her on his couch. She had just finished tying up her shoes when he reappeared in the living room.

She stared at the keys carefully before picking them up and looking at him quizzically until he gave her an answer.

“I thought it a bit weird if you stopped sleeping at your coworker’s place the same time I was out of town.”

She glanced at the keys again in her hand. He wanted her to come over while he was gone. To sleep in his bed without him. To simply be in his house when he wasn’t, knowing full well how his last relationship had gone and still he trusted her with something like that.

He was quieter the next time he spoke. “And if you want to come over to look at the lights while I’m away.”

He wanted to tell her it was overdue, that he’d wanted to give her keys their first consistent week together because it would have been easier. But he had been too scared of how that might come across because it was a huge step for him, letting someone in, and he was worried she might think he deserved what happened to him in the past if he was truly that reckless. But now, there was no fear at all. He trusted her with a huge portion of his life, if not all of it.

“Why are there two?” She finally asked.

He glanced at them in her palm and then back at her. “There’s two locks on the door. The smaller one,” he picked up the one he was talking about, “opens the lock on top. And this one,” he set the small key down and pointed at the next, “the main lock.”

He scooted closer to her at some point when explaining the keys and she only knew it because of how her heart raced, which was the weirdest thing for her heart to be having a meltdown over, since Harry being close was nothing new to her at this point. But here she was, hyper fixated over the way his knee touched hers and how his fingertips had brushed against her palm and how close his voice was to her ear, she could suddenly pick out the intricate details of his broken accent. Like how some words he pronounced were as British as it got, and others were a little more California. She wondered if, when he spent more time home, his accent bounced back to how it was supposed to sound.

“Should also mention there’s a security system,” he pointed his gaze to a pin-pad on the wall near the front door she had always known about, having seen him punch numbers into it countless times before they went upstairs, but never thought about in too much depth. “I’ll leave you the code. You have to put it in when you get here and before you go to bed.”

There it was. The confirmation that she was fully allowed to sleep here if she wanted to. She had assumed that’s what he meant when he gave her the keys, but it settled her worries knowing she had verbal permission to do so.

And with everything she needed to know about his home while he was away, and their sarcastic little goodbyes to one another out of the way, the only thing he had left to do was pack a suitcase and meet his team at the airport.

Amongst searching his drawers for a particular pair of jeans he wanted, however, he came across her drawer. The one that kept filling up with her clothes, whether it was various pieces from her work outfits or her spare pajamas, it had become her little space in his closet. And once his eyes landed on one of her plain heather grey shirts, there was no stopping him from smuggling it into his suitcase. Just for good measure.

Just so that when he was in his lonely New York hotel room, the nights went a little easier knowing he had a piece of her with him. It wasn’t nearly enough, however, when he still lost vital

hours of sleep and showed up to his six a.m. meetings looking and acting hungover even though he hadn’t had a stitch of alcohol.

“It’s the jetlag,” he had excused when Jeff had asked about the bags under his eyes and the third cup of coffee. He knew very well he was running on about four collective hours of sleep since Tuesday and it was getting a bit ridiculous at this point.

Thursday night was when things changed, or at least he hoped they would. Sick of going back to his room alone before eight o’clock, he finally agreed to get drinks instead. He finally had some amount of human interaction outside of work. Outside of discussions about album sales and what his sophomore era might look like.

He was done with all of it by the time he got down a burning shot of tequila that Jeff had ordered for their entire group.

“You look tired, man,” Dan planted his arm around Harry’s shoulders, practically shaking him back to life. He was a new producer they’d been working with on the album and right now Harry preferred the sting of the alcohol over the way Dan squeezed his shoulders so recklessly. It made him long for the way Y/N touched him, always careful and delicate.

“He doesn’t sleep,” Jeff offered, recalling the three a.m. text messages he’d received from Harry on Wednesday to prove his point. Harry remained quiet with a permanent grimace on his face, seeking out more alcohol.

“You need to get laid!” Dan exclaimed, shaking his poor shoulders again, and just about doing Harry’s head in. As much as he tried to hide it, a look of pure disgust rolled onto Harry’s face because for the first time in... however long, he didn’t want sex. Didn’t even want to think about it. He just wanted Y/N. That was it. If it wasn’t her in his bed, he wanted nothing to do with it.

And he realized at that point that Will had been right. He was helplessly in love with someone who might not ever love him back.

He took another shot and found his attention being pulled away from his immediate table to a flash of hair swooping halfway across the club from where they sat. It was definitely his mind, and the alcohol swimming around in it, doing tricks on him, but he could have easily mistaken her for Y/N. It was the hair, he thought. It was the exact same, at least under the piss poor lighting, but to the point where he smelled coconut in his nostrils even though there was nothing physical around him that was remotely close to smelling like her. His nose was so used to her, and missed her so much, it was making shit up out of thin air.

And with a few more shots and a little bit of flirting later, he wasn’t so alone when he stepped through the door of his hotel room Thursday night.

He wasn’t alone when he got to his bedroom, when the girl’s hands were already undressing him and he was comparing it to when Y/N had unbuttoned his shirt that one drunken night. She’d been so soft and gentle, though. So very unlike how it was now. It was going too fast for him, especially when she accidentally scratched her nails against his abs and kissed him so impatiently, he wasn’t even sure what he was doing anymore.

Nevertheless, he was drunk and she looked like Y/N if he squinted hard enough, so he let her undress him all the way to the bed where she crawled on top of him and undid his jeans. He had no clue what her name was and although he felt horrible about it, he was positive it was better that way. Particularly when she got her hands on him and he saw stars behind his eyelids. He tilted his head back towards the wall behind them with a gasp when it was her mouth next. Her name was extremely unimportant when he pretended it was Y/N every time the girl traced her fingers across the tattoos on his hips.

Even when she was on top of him, giving him all the warmth he’d been craving, he still pretended she was someone else when she kissed him again, when she ran her hands through his hair, and when he dug his fingers into her hips.

He closed his eyes through all of it and imagined being with Y/N like that. 

He was so fucking fucked.

The ding of his phone as it vibrated on the bedside table woke him hours later. It was still dark outside, that much he knew. He also knew that whatever sloppy sex he’d had was not worth it when the girl had turned the other way and fell asleep with her back facing him, several inches apart. He could have gone without the sex, but holding on to someone while he slept? That was harder to go without.

Shaking his head clear of his stupid, drunken mistakes, he pressed the button on the side of his phone, lighting the entire room with his screen before he lowered the brightness and read the text message waiting for him.

He squinted at it at first, realizing it wasn’t a message, but rather a picture. Either way, he swiped it open quickly because the least he knew was that it was from Y/N.

Tapping the picture open, he quickly saw that it was of her when he zoomed in on what she hadn’t cropped out of her face. It was her, standing in front of the mirror in his closet dressed in her typical casual attire apart from one thing.

She was wearing his bright pink suit jacket he’d worn on the Today Show a couple years ago.

He couldn’t help but smile, even wider the longer he looked at it. When he pulled the covers off of himself and sat up on the edge of the bed, he even laughed at it, as quietly as he could manage, while he attempted to tame his hair by pulling his clammy fingers through it.

While typing his message, he tried not to think about her rummaging through his closet. Her light touch spreading across the various colors and textures of his clothes. He tried not to acknowledge the overwhelming fluttering in his chest.

(Harry, 3:13 am, NY time)

Looks better on you.

He waited patiently while the three little dots from her side of the conversation disappeared and a new bubble from her popped up in its place.

(Y/N, 3:13 am, NY time)

I know.

He couldn’t help his laughter then, glancing behind him only when he heard the other girl shuffle under the hotel sheets, realizing for the first time in the past few minutes that she was still there.

Instead, he gathered himself and went out into the living room, snagging a shirt from his drawer to slip on and turning the heater up a few notches on his way out.

(Harry, 3:24 am, NY time)

Finally missed me then?

His next text was sent once he was settled on the couch without a single light on. He had the moon and his phone screen though, and that was enough.

(Y/N, 3:25 am, NY time)

I missed the heated floors in your bathroom actually.

He laughed again at her response, not having been this happy his entire trip. Not even remembering the last time he genuinely smiled since he’d been with her on Tuesday morning. It was very much needed. Even if it was past three a.m. in his timezone.

While he thought about what to say next, he slipped his shirt on over his head for some relief from the chilly room. What he didn’t expect, however, was to smell her shampoo again. And then her perfume. He smelled all of her like she was there in the room next to him. And it wasn’t his nose being a little bitch again.

Looking down at himself, he realized he’d grabbed her shirt. The light grey, oversized one. It had fit a little baggier than all the ones he had packed, but he didn’t make much of it until his senses were filled with everything he loved about her.

He was really, really fucked.

His phone dinged twice more.

(Y/N, 3:27 am, NY time)

Sorry I didn’t realize how late it was there. 

Goodnight harry :)

She set her phone down on the top of one of his shelves. If his closet was anything, it was well-organized. After slipping out of Harry’s pink jacket, she neatly replaced it back onto the rack with his other nice coats. She didn’t want to know how much money she’d just squeezed herself into, but Harry didn’t seem to mind.

And she hoped he wouldn’t mind her wandering hands as she slipped them into a drawer she knew he kept his shirts in. She’d meant to go in his closet, secure her own pajamas, and be out. But she saw the bright pink and got distracted. And now she was even more distracted while she pulled out a black t-shirt of his and slipped into it instead. He would never know and she would get a little bit of relief.

Once she had it on though, and she looked at herself in the mirror, she felt horrible about it. Here she was snooping about his wardrobe like she wasn’t supposed to be doing. He didn’t give her his spare keys so she could try his clothes on while he was away. Quickly, she pulled his shirt off and folded it neatly back into its spot.

She flipped off the light in his closet after getting what she needed from her designated drawer and retreated to his bed. It didn’t look the same as when she’d left it. He’d cleaned it up between then and now, making it neat for her again just in case she ended up here at some point. She didn’t expect to actually follow through, but her own sleepless nights got the best of her and by Thursday, she broke down and made the drive up to his house. She punched in the security code to turn the alarm off while she ate her takeout she’d picked up after work in his kitchen. Then she cleaned a little bit for him, putting away the dishes drying out on the counter and organizing his collection of cookbooks that were slowly falling over.

And now she was here, standing in the middle of his room while the whole of L.A. watched her sneak back into his closet to retrieve his black t-shirt once again.

With it secured, she removed her bra from underneath and then her jeans. And the cool air on her bare legs felt too good to cover herself in her plaid pajama bottoms. So, she went without them. She had never lived alone before, but she imagined this was what it felt like. Like she was

free. She could go around in a shirt with no pants on and not worry about anything. And it’s not like he would ever have to know the shirt she was walking around in was his.

She became obsessed with the way his shirt looked on her in the bathroom mirror as she finished her nightly routines. It was just a normal fucking crewneck but the fact that it had previously hugged his body at some point and smelled just fucking like him, it made her feel all sorts of ways. She especially felt not as alone anymore while she crawled into his bed by herself. She sat upright against his pillows for a while, on top of the blanket with her legs spread straight out in front of her and her ankles crossed over each other, flipping through apps on her phone until she had enough and then stared out at his all-too-familiar view.

She missed it almost as much as she missed him. She missed the feeling of him looking at her while she looked at the city. She missed his touch that pulled her back. She missed talking to him like she’d never missed talking to anyone else before.

She missed the way he sometimes glanced at her lips. The way he had giggled when she’d practically taken his shirt off of him in her bedroom and how soft his skin had been that made her feel less guilty about the whole thing. The way his muscles pulled tight across his back. The way his arms stretched over her body, flexing when he hugged her closer.

The way she was currently lost in her dreams about him. And his back and his shoulders and the beads of sweat that might exist on his silky skin if he were to...

She shook her head clear of that image. Because frankly, she really needed to stop thinking about Harry like that. It would never happen, and she knew that. But in her head, it made sense. In her head, he liked her back. He liked her enough to more than just sleep with her. He liked her enough in her head to be on top of her, filling her up while the entire city watched.

And then it just happened. Not that she didn’t feel bad about having her hands down the front of her panties in his shirt and in his bed at just the mere thought of him, but she couldn’t quite help it. She wished he was touching her instead, something she never thought about anyone else in real life before. And with her eyes closed, teetering her head further back into his pillows, enough that she got stronger whiffs of his scent, it was so easy to imagine him doing so.

She saw his hands behind her eyelids, gentle but eager to touch her, and she heard his voice close to her ear, his broken accent telling her it was okay to let go. Her mind had completely left reality, lost to the clouds even though her body remained in Harry’s bed. Her head in the clouds was a better place to be, however. Harry was there and he liked her the way she wanted him to.

She felt it in her chest before her mind even fully comprehended what Will was saying. It was a kind of pain she didn’t let herself feel often but when she did, it was the worst kind of hurt she ever faced.

Her morning had been the best she had all week, mostly due to the events of the previous night. Then there was the text from work telling her not to come in until eleven because of a cancelled meeting that only made the outlook for her day that much brighter. She cleaned up around Harry’s house some more, throwing his clothes into the laundry, including the shirt she’d slept in, while she showered, almost succumbing to her fucking thoughts all over again, but witholding by some grace of god.

She drove home to eat before going to work, craving a bowl of her usual Lucky Charms that not a single drive through breakfast could suffice.

But, when she was at the table surrounded by her roommates again, it had all gone to shit. She wished she had just gotten that fucking McMuffin and driven her ass to work instead. But no. She had to sit and listen while Will gave them all the daily report on Harry’s personal life. The part of him Y/N thought she knew quite well, but apparently she couldn’t have been more wrong.

Will showed off photos of a girl in Harry’s car taken earlier this morning in New York and Y/N suddenly lost her entire appetite.

“Do you know who she is, though?” Violet asked, having taken Will’s phone from him to scroll through all the candid photos and zoom in to try and figure it out.

“No, but I’m ninety-nine percent sure she’s the girl he told me about.” Will explained, causing Y/N’s eyebrows to furrow. Harry had talked to Will about a girl that he liked?

Why hadn’t he mentioned her to Y/N? Not even just last night when they were texting? Her mind started spiraling from there. She went as far as thinking that Harry might feel bad for her, that he didn’t know how to break off their situation and he’d just been stringing her along. All while he had someone he really wanted.

Or maybe he hadn’t been stringing her along at all, maybe she was just imagining something was there when it clearly wasn’t.

She shut it all off quickly before she found herself getting mad at Harry. “He told you about someone?” Violet asked, far too invested in Harry’s love life.

“Well, not much.” Will answered vaguely, “He was writing songs about her but he wouldn’t say who she was.”

“Found it!” Violet exclaimed, sharing the screen with Will again, “It says her name is Jessica,” Violet added fuel to the fire burning behind Y/N’s eyelids.

She hated that the first thing she thought of was his journal and the way he hid it away from her that first night she’d been at his place. She stared, empty, at her half-eaten bowl of cereal until she completely lost her appetite. Part of her knew her roommates were jumping the gun. Harry could be seen with a girl and not have any kind of romantic connection. But it didn’t explain his songs. He was writing them about someone.

She felt like an idiot. Like a stupid, goddamned idiot. And worse than that, she felt the same way she did all those years ago in high school and she hated mixing Harry in with any of those feelings. But he made her feel stupid. Like she had any bit of a chance with him when he was clearly interested in someone else. She’d trusted him with so much, especially the last night she’d spent with him, and now she was doubting if he even cared at all this entire time or if he just didn’t know how to tell her he was done with her.

Taglist: @afterstylesmadeit​ @cxnyon-moon-deactivated20200417​ @and-im-not-okay-with-it @chrryblsms​ @whydontharry​ @harryinsweatersandbandanas​ @idkthisisjustforfanfic​ @teddysoldbird​ @shawnsblue​ @thurhomish​ @theasstour​ @hufflepuff-always-and-forever​ @staceystoleyourheart​ @granolagrannie​ @defineharry​ @iambabyharry​ @1142590m​ @ashtondene​ @smokeinherperfume​ @cherryyharryy​ @mellamolayla​ @chrryblsms​ @cassiopeiaskies​ @sunflowerjens​ @detroitkiwis​ @brwnskin-bunnyteeth​ @cock-a-doodely-doo        @strawberrycaramelmocha @meetmeinfleetwood​ @harriesgolden​ @rachkon​ @caritocp​ @sspidermanss​ @forestliz​ @grandfunnyemopainter​ @metalmerida  @httpsmoony​ @iconicharry​ @amberlovestombrady @ainatirb-j  if you’d like to be added, go here :)

[uwua3]

Hello, can I please suggest a childhood friends to lovers troupe with Banri? Thank you so much!

of course! i put this off at first because i wanted to understand banri’s character a bit more and what direction i wanted to go with this! it might be a little bit opposite of what you wanted but i hope you like it~ ♡ i hope you don’t mind childhood enemies to friends to lovers ;)

summary: all your life, you wanted to beat settsu banri, just once

warnings: arguing, breaking the law, bullying(?), injuries, physical fights,

author’s note: this is definitely much more different from anything i’ve written! please enjoy it~

being naturally good at everything = wanting to compete at everything once’s there’s someone worthy and i think it’s a complex we need to address. honors students who get burnt out often give up because it’s not easy at first. setting children up to be the best and putting them against one another instead of encouraging teamwork is evil and a flaw in the education system. so take risks, and take down any institution that disrespects you :)

word count: 4,298

music: hot girl bummer – blackbear, preacher man – the driver era

childhood champion.

��🥇 settsu banri

banri was the most insufferable, annoying kid to ever walk the face of this earth

everyone picked him first for their sports team in gym, he always knew the answer even when the teacher caught him sleeping in class, and he knew what a multitalented threat he was

it was so unfair! even as a child, you had to spend countless hours studying the next topic to stay ahead but banri did it without even trying

you were second in class, he never even wavered or was worried about his valedictorian position

banri was so, so annoying

you two were the first picked to advance to honors–level classes the next school year in middle school

you actively rose your hand in class to get the answer correct. you sat in the front and kissed up to your teachers so they would submit more than just “a pleasure to have in class” on your report card

banri would doze off in the back if he was forced to attend school. it would take multiple tries to get him to wake up and even then, he could’ve summarized the entire class lesson with no effort. he didn’t care about other people’s opinions

which must have been nice, considering how everyone either loved him or fully hated him

you two were never aware of each other’s existence throughout elementary; it wasn’t until your teachers constantly compared you to banri’s perfect grades and banri to your model student behavior that you began to despise each other

to you, banri was your #1 rival and competitor. everything you did, you wanted to beat him at. but to banri, you were just another tryhard that wouldn’t survive in the real world

it was when you were the only student getting every question right that you talked to him for the first time. you rose your hand again, a pleasant expression on your face as your teacher looked around, sighing as everyone averted their gaze

before the teacher could call your name, you felt a wadded–up paper ball hit the back of your head and a snicker. the class went dealthy quiet for once

you whipped your head to the back to see banri’s egotistical maniac of a smirk staring right back at you

“nerd.” banri dropped, his arms behind his head and feet propped up on his desk. his bag wasn’t even open and his pencil was stuck behind his ear. what a troublemaker

“mr. settsu! apologize this instant, we do not tolerate name–calling in this classroom.” your teacher reprimanded maturely, watching as banri shrugged and put his feet on the ground with a loud thud. leaning forward, banri put his hands together with an exaggerated sad face as he batted his eyelashes

“i’m so sorry~” banri laughed, his mocking tone making you narrow your eyes, plastering on a fake smile as you simply nodded and turned around. it wasn’t worth it to fight with someone who didn’t even care

anger boiled in your blood, all you wanted to do was turn around and give him a solid punch

yet, you straightened your posture, answering each question precisely with a tight grip on your pencil as you felt more spitballs land near you

no boy was going to get you to stop focusing, and especially take class time away

banri didn’t know why he bothered trying to piss you off anymore when you didn’t react. it was boring him, to say the least

when he “accidentally” stole your lunch, you just used your allowance to buy something from the lunch ladies (who absolutely hated that they had no evidence he stole from the fruit bar). when he knocked your books over off the desk with a bang, you just picked them back up and moved to a different table. hell, he even started a grade–wide game that pretended you weren’t there. you didn’t care, you kept doing your schoolwork

you were so, so boring

banri was on cleaning–duty for vandalism or whatever, something that didn’t follow the school guidelines. he was assigned to his homeroom classroom and had to wipe down the desks, sweep the room, and scrape off gum under any surface

“what the hell...” 13–year–old banri cursed, kicking at the dust pan as he didn’t want to start. he didn’t clean, he was good at it, he just didn’t like doing it

turning on his heel to ditch the classroom and deal with the consequences later, he was face to face with the fakest smile ever as you leaned against the doorframe (seemingly satisfied with his predicament)

“sorry, settsu. i’m here to supervise you to make sure you’re cleaning, today.” you dropped your sweet, quiet tone and revealed the truth: a tough, tired attitude that was ready to snap at any point. banri raised his eyebrow, crossing his arms as he scoffed, looking to the side

this should be fun

“oh yeah? what will you do to stop me? can you even handle me, i’ve seen how you don’t score shit in gym.” banri spat, your lip twitched at the swear as you had an incredulous look

two could play at this game, you weren’t backing down

“i’m not here to fight, settsu. i want you to hurry up so i can go home and do my homework.” you heard his sickening laugh throughout the empty hallway. it echoed, reminding you how he had no filter or manners whatsoever

“homework?! imagine needing that to pass. even i don’t do my work... and i’m at the top. how sad.” banri fueled the flame on purpose, eyes glinting with something of boredom and a wicked evil found in prepubescent boys

“you wouldn’t know what that’s like, though, right?”

you clenched your fist, all the pent–up rage you withheld in to have the higher ground was beginning to turn your vision red

“come on,” banri grinned, finding fun in driving you insane as he lazily moved into a fighting position, not expecting anything. “hit me—”

you didn’t remember what happened next, but you had to sit next to banri who had a black eye with an ice pack up to it in the principal’s office

both you and banri received a weeks worth of suspension for having a fight on school grounds

you hated settsu banri. and he found you interesting, so he didn’t say anything when he came back, letting the rumors die down

banri wanted to be your friend. your punch wasn’t even all that bad, maybe he could teach you how to hold your fist

but you avoided him at all costs now. he started going to school more frequently, and played impractical jokes on you in between classes just to get a reaction

you didn’t do anything. you just requested a schedule change and had classes on the opposite side of the building

classes became boring again, no one wanted to fight with him because they knew they’d lose, and he stopped attending classes out of spite

banri couldn’t believe he may have finally met someone who had some balls to do something to his shitty attitude and you just left

but throughout the years leading up to his first year in hanasaki, banri had immense respect for your 12–year–old self who landed a nasty hit (it totally would’ve k.o.–ed him if this was a video game)

banri had his eye out to see if you were in the front row with your hand up, or if you were hiding in the library behind towering shelves, or if you were even just moving past him in the crowds of people in the hallways

but it’s like you disappeared out of no where, how boring

you kept a secluded, mysterious reputation. no one had anything to say about you because you did nothing to get attention. so banri couldn’t even track you down through the grapevine of gossip

you disappeared and remained second (behind banri, of course)

as school went on and the summers cleared his mind, banri slowly forgot all about the young kid who gave him a black eye

as he passed the exams to qualify for entry in hanasaki, he didn’t even think twice if you were gonna be there

second year at hanasaki academy. 16–year–old banri nearly dropped out because of his own insatiable boredom. he got into more fights (he always won), ignored his classmates, and just kept being a huge jackass even unprovoked

school was so, so boring

class rankings were released after finals, banri remembered strolling up to expect his name at the top spot but watched as the crowd of students nervously parted to let him through

his eyes automatically landed at the #1 spot (he never checked anyone below him, they were dumb) but it wasn’t his name. instead, he saw yours. you were beating him

letting out a sarcastic laugh, banri backed up and left without another word, leaving the students to breathe a sigh of relief they weren’t the next victim of an infamous settsu roundhouse

how long had you been at this? how long did you study just to see your name printed over his? he must’ve been a big deal to you

banri ditched school early, about to hop the back fence before he noticed a flash of the academy’s school uniform above. halfway up the fence, banri looked behind him. no one. looked up, and you were sitting at the edge of the rooftop, swinging your legs casually

after all these years, and banri found you on accident

“hey.” banri drawled, waving up to you who seemed lost in your own world. you had a loose grip on some textbook, staring off into the slow clouds. you must’ve missed the lunch bell signaling the end of eating. you? skipping class? it was almost too funny to be true

banri bristled under the lack of attention. it’s been years and this was the response he got? he was ready to start shaking the fence to alert everyone within a one mile radius he was here. yet, banri noticed the hardcover textbook that must’ve cost hundreds begin slipping from your fingers. you didn’t care to notice

“hey! hey! what the fuck!” banri tried to make you snap out of it, but he swore as he leaped from the fence as soon as the book started falling. you shook your head rapidly like you just woke up, nearly falling over as you watched banri catch the heavy textbook with one hand as he rolled onto the rough pavement. it was a move out of a superhero film, like he was a professional stunt double

you gasped, scrambling to get off the edge and jumped. banri was about to yell a very inappropiate curse, but you grabbed onto the tree branch nearby and climbed down easily. it was like you did this countless times... what the hell happened to you and who was this that replaced you?

“oh my god! i am so sorry, i wasn’t paying attention at all.” you apologized sincerly, offering your hand to help pull him to his feet. banri ignored the pain in his shoulder and hip as he pushed himself up, the scrapes on his palms and rips in his uniforms making him wince for a moment. you noticed

“you idiot! what were you thinking? you could’ve died!” banri snapped, pushing the textbook to your chest as you stumbled back, eyes wide. you huffed, feeling aggressive as every instinct to fight with him came back as strong as ever despite banri’s heroic act

“don’t act like you know everything about me! i said i was sorry, what else do you want?” you fought back, pushing him back even harder with your book. banri felt something burn inside him for the time ever since you punched him: excitement

“let’s settle this. you. me. right here. right now.” banri got into a battle stance, pretending to be very serious when he didn’t even hit girls. but, he wanted to piss you off so bad. he was so bored of his life being on super ultra easy mode (it was like you were the final boss)

he didn’t even get another word out before you sighed, put your backpack and books down gently, rolled your eyes, spun around, and kicked him straight in the jaw

you had used the infamous settsu roundhouse kick against him

this time, he was much stronger than he was before at thirteen. he straightened himself up, stared at your clenched fists, and laughed

“after all this time, you never learned how to throw a real punch?” banri taunted, but the playful tone of his voice gave himself away. you slowly backed down, going back to your normal position as you revealed a tired smile. you ran your hand through your hair, seeming to contemplate on whether or not you should respond before shrugging

“never really had to fight losers like you before.” you retorted and banri gave an impressed look that you even made a comeback. rubbing his jaw and feeling the bruise about to form, banri watched as you stuffed your books into your bag

“by the way, that was for everything you put me through in middle school.” you stood up, flipped him both with hands confidently, and left. turning the corner, you winked and shot him a finger gun, showing you didn’t hold any grudges anymore for his stupid behavior

“wait—dammit.” banri rushed to catch up with you, but you were already gone the moment he went over. there was no trace of you and banri kicked the wall out of frustration, regretting it immediately when he forgot about his injured leg

“mr. settsu!” he heard from one of the classroom windows and looked up, seeing his maths teacher glare at him. uh oh

banri put his hands up, knowing security would have to come drag his ass to class

he could’ve swore he heard your laugh as he got yelled at for getting caught, making him subconsciously smile

(banri got into more trouble when the teacher thought he saw it as a joke)

gossip was exchanged as banri came into class sporting a bruised jaw and ripped clothes. they said the gangster was finally taken down by someone who he was no match for, it was almost laughable

i let them win, banri thought, barely paying attention to whatever his teacher was writing on the blackboard

but banri wanted more competition. he couldn’t just let you hit him even if he fully, 100% deserved it

banri closed his eyes, falling asleep with his hand in his cheek. you better not have any plans this afternoon

it was 5pm. you were heading out of school after finishing all your extracurricular duties. it was exhausting pretending to care, faking a smile just so your superiors thought you were the perfect leader. whatever gets you into university, right?

you needed a break. you stepped up to the rooftop after sneaking into the locked stairway. oddly enough, it was already open. you tip–toed in on guard, preparing to hit someone with your bag before you noticed a shadow against the pavement

but as soon as you stepped out, banri was waiting

it was nearly sunset, and banri was playing some game on his phone against one of the benches against the border

you paused, not sure what to say before he casually looked up and did a double take, rushing to pocket his phone and standing up

silence. like you two had nothing to say after all these years. you didn’t expect to see him again, you stopped caring about his laziness and focused on yourself even if you didn’t have the motivation anymore

banri awkwardly put his hands in his pockets, the blazer elbows almost torn to shreds. a strand of his hair fell in front of his face, you wanted to reach out and push it back

here you were, with a perfect appearance with nothing out of place, as expected of a model student. your uniform was ironed to perfection and had no creases despite your tree jump. you learned how to get rid of the evidence

when nothing seemed to be happening, you almost turned around before banri spoke way too loudly

“i’m sorry.” banri choked out, like he was saying it against his will. you froze, not wanting to turn around as you gripped the strap of your backpack. was he being serious?

“i’m... sorry for basically picking on you in middle school. it was dumb of me, i was stupid.” banri explained, appearing cool but his fingers were clearly fidgeting in his pockets. oh, he was serious

a part of your child self felt like it was healed, knowing you had one over settsu banri. you nodded, turning slowly to face your childhood rival. your childhood competitor. the childhood champion of everything

this time, you were the winner, but it didn’t feel like it

“yeah? i’m sorry for beating your ass twice then.” you joked, seeing the tension leave his shoulders as he naturally laughed. it was almost therapeutic to finally not fight for something for once

“truce?” banri put his fist out, and you didn’t even have to think about it before moving forward and fist–bumping him

“truce.”

you and banri became close after your so–called peace treaty. you put all the rivalry behind you, you forgave him

banri surprisingly understood you had a “perfect reputation” to uphold despite all the secret trouble you got in. in public, he stayed away and pretended like you didn’t exist. in private, you two snuck onto the rooftop to have lunch and stay until night, talking about nothing and everything at once

you even tried getting him back on track, using the temptation of competition to trick him in doing his work (it at least worked half the time)

(“i definitely could finish this faster than you!” banri protested, scribbling his answers and he always finished first. he never realized what you were doing when he was in the heat of the moment)

banri had never stayed at school this long, his attendance was making a come back and he was even looking forward to times he could see you in between classes

(he never put this much effort in, he didn’t want to find out he wasn’t naturally good at being your friend)

everything was good. you two were compatiable friends who cursed every middle school teacher who set them up to be enemies. you swore at teachers who now abused their position of power and laughed about leading a revolution. you two were young, dumb teens who wanted change. you wanted anarchy, he knew enough about it to get behind it

banri texted you screenshots of his elite gaming status in the game he recommended to you, getting a response the next day proving you were almost at his level. damn. he could respect that

banri took you to his favorite local arcade, (believe it or not) after you claimed you could at least tie him at something. when he saw you get frustrated, he pretended to stumble on the arrow pad for DDR and feigned annoyance as you beat him for once. he even gave you his spare coins once he got bored and watched you, adding unnecessary commentary you’d kick him for

(“not again!” banri pretended to cower, protecting his jaw that was already healed)

you guys would even raid 24/7 stores after leaving school, stocking up on snacks and energy drinks so you could stay awake throughout the day after game night

but his favorite thing to do with you was sneaking out and returning you back before curfew. banri was naturally a homebody that didn’t find the outside fun, but when you confessed you never had a late night drive before, he arrived a block away and nearly gave you a heart attack when he knocked on your window

(you two agreed to have a special code and banri would knock to the beat of your favorite game’s theme song)

that night, you sat on the hood of his car and watched the stars, unaware of how banri couldn’t tear his eyes away from you

when banri dropped you off and helped you back in with his hand at your back, he nearly fell off the tree as you made your way onto your second–floor bedroom

you smiled, a strangeness to your windswept hair and messy clothes. you didn’t care what you looked like around him

banri gulped, forcing himself down the tree as he ran to his car, heart racing a mile a minute

what the hell was that? banri took a deep breath in the driver’s seat, rubbing his forehead as he groaned. why did he feel like this? did you do something to his soda or something?

as banri drove home, he flipped on the radio. teenage dirtbag by wheatus blasted on the inner roads

“how does she know who i am? why does she give a damn about me?”

banri braked, the car halting in the middle of the road. it was 3am, the street lights gave way to the empty, deserted road

oh my god. he liked you

he liked the person who gave him a black eye, got him a week suspension, kicked him in the jaw, and got him caught by his teacher

teenage dirtbag faded out on the street as banri sat there, listening to the lyrics

“fuck.” banri deadpanned, knowing things wouldn’t be good if he kept acting up like this

well, everything was good, until that night

banri arrived at midnight sharp like always. you rolled out of bed with full clothing ready for any night activity he planned

he took your hand to go down even though he knew damn well you didn’t need the help. sneaking out was like second nature at this point, it was a miracle you two hadn’t been busted yet

you two were stealthy, avoided all the cameras your parents put in place after noticing there were footsteps imprinted on the grass (it didn’t bother banri, he liked the challenge)

speeding off, banri slowed down to the speed limit once he saw you push the roof down and stick your upper body out into the wind. he shook his head, lowering the windows as well. he heard you scream along to whatever pop song was on at the top of your lungs

in that moment, you forget you were hanasaki academy’s perfect model student. you were just a person having the time of their life with their best friend

pulling into an abandoned parking lot, banri stopped in the middle as he tugged your shirt down. his wolfish grin seemed electric, like he was high on a predictable adrenaline rush already

“hey, do you trust me?” banri revved the engine, one hand on the wheel and the other out as a fist

it felt like that day back on the school rooftop where you made a truce with your middle school rival. like everything was about to change

without a second thought, you bumped your fist to his. “i do.”

banri shifted to level one as he turned the wheels to a full direction. you held onto the edge of the door as you realized what he was about to do

“you’re joking!” you yelled over the sound of the engine, banri flashing you a quick wink before the car started spinning. he was doing donuts because you said you wanted donuts the other day, this was not what you meant!

“you knew i didn’t mean it like this, you jerk!” you protested, but couldn’t help but laugh along with banri as smoke rose from the tire tracks on the concrete. you felt dizzy, but you never felt more alive laughing with your best friend in the middle of the night

banri suddenly stopped, his foot on the brake as a distant shout made you freeze

“hey, who’s trespassing?!”

“go, go, go!” you yelled, pushing banri’s arm as his foot triggered the gas and changed the speed. you guys zoomed out of the supposedly “abandoned” parking lot, hearing the random owner attempt to chase after you before tripping on his own feet

“holy shit!” you exclaimed, not feeling sorry you were laughing at the man who was now shaking his fist at you. you knew it was too dark to even see banri’s license plate, you were fine. you felt your energy peak as you couldn’t help but turn around with a wide smile

“did you see that guy’s face, he looked like he was ready to kill—” you started but banri braked again, both hands tightly gripping the wheel. you almost lurched forward but banri stuck his arm out against your chest, holding you to your seat as he glared at you

“how is this funny to you? we... you! you almost got caught! your future would’ve been ruined, do you understand how severe that situation was?!” banri ranted, sweating as he had to practice controlled breathing to prevent himself from saying something he’d regret. he was so worried, he never cared this much

“so what at this point? what’s there to even live for after college?” you scoffed, crossing your arms as you looked away. banri’s arm started retracting, but he randomly grabbed your face and pulled you over the divider, looking you deeply in the eyes like he never wanted to let you go. like he wanted to remember this forever

“me. live for me.” banri muttered, before he closed the distance between you two. your childhood rival, competitor, and enemy liked you

high on adrenaline, you kissed back. you were on top of the world

and suddenly, everything was good again

you both won

[xaspiringbeamoflightx]

A Brief Timeline of Tina and James’ Tumultuous History for the Uninitiated !!

Tina and James have been an ongoing riot-fest since 2019, but not everyone knows just how complicated their relationship actually is. They might look all cute and cuddly now, but it’s been a long time coming and they’re still working on it. Also, there are some things here that happened with a previous Peter so they’re sort of... half ret-conned but kind of not, we’ll see? Please note that this is a huge post also! Trigger Warnings: Emotional and Physical Abuse, Violence, Injury (self-harm and caused by someone else), Hospitals, Sex Work, Drug Mentions, Sex Mentions. These are all mentioned briefly but not spoken about in great detail.

So, James and Tina began life as mortal enemies. Tina started working at the Neverland Hotel when she was 19, mostly to look after Peter. They both absolutely hated James because he was a “pirate” (see: adult) and was always grumpy and bossing them around (you know, as a boss/ adult does) and they were always causing trouble for him.

Cue 2019. Tina was still firmly in the James bad pirate camp, but James finds Tina quite funny and endearing, if absolutely terrible at doing her job.

Incident 1: Tina attends a house party and while drunk catches James walking by and decides to cause some trouble for him. He follows her into the house, she continues to wind him up, and then he scoops her up and jumps into the pool with her as a bit of revenge for trouble making. (It should be noted here that Tina cannot swim and hates water, so she is absolutely livid and very embarrassed because the whole party saw this incident occur.) For a few days after, Tina avoids James in case she tries to kill him because she is #pissed.

Incident 2: The whole ordeal has been annoying Tina all week, and it culminates in her going in a huff while trying and failing to put clean sheets on the hotel beds. James investigates because she isn’t doing her job, and is a bit concerned for her. They begin to argue because Tina is in a bad mood but James doesn’t let her storm away and then the unexpected happens and Tina shows a vulnerable, meek side that neither of them saw coming. She let her guard down for a second (and it was our first oh shit moment), and then James was internally like “that was odd”.

Tina didn’t like that she let her guard down, so she's back on the must cause trouble and forget that ever happened BS as soon as she gets the chance.  

Cue Incident 3: Halloween! James thinks it would be a great idea to make Tina try on some Halloween costumes for a themed Halloween Hotel thing as revenge for her throwing an absolute tantrum. Somehow... Lord... Somehow they end up flirting?? Tina is doing it to be a little shit because she thinks it’s funny, James is doing it to see what Tina does. About halfway through this, James has an epiphany! (You know, a good old Oh Shit I fancy Tina, fuck my life moment). She’s standing there in a fairy costume, James has her near enough against the wall and just as it looks like it's about to go too far, Peter swoops in and saves Tina from the evil pirate.

Incident 4: A curveball.

It’s mid-November, 2am. James is taking a walk home from his fight club, and he happens upon Tina’s street. She doesn’t sleep well because there’s always something worrying her that she 100% doesn’t let anyone know about because she doesn’t let her guard down for anyone, so she makes herself a wee cup of tea and she’s sitting on her front step drinking it. (This thread was so soft I swear) Tina is very sleepy, so her guard is fully down at this point, and for some reason she invites him in for a cup of tea if he promises not to tell anyone. She’s actually nice and honest for once, and the conversation is lovely, which has James like heart-eyes everywhere.

They talk a bit about how James used to be in a gang, and he mentions that he has a scar from where he was stabbed as a young man. In a sleepy state, Tina realises James is actually an okay person and tells him “You’re not so bad”. He mentions that the hotel is going to be refurbished, and Tina starts giving him sleepy ideas and then eventually accidentally falls asleep on his shoulder on the sofa. He puts her to bed, but quickly finds out Tina is clingy AF as she grips his arm and won’t let go when he puts her down. So, James has no choice but to sleep on her floor because he doesn’t have the heart to make her let go.

A little while after this the hotel had to close for refurbishment - it was being pretty much rebuilt from the ground up, so Peter had to go live with Tina in her tiny one-bedroom apartment, and she didn’t have to go to work for a while, but James kept her paid and employed. 

Incident 5: There were some slowly building conversation between the sleepy 2am conversation and this incident, so it doesn’t come fully out of nowhere.

James gets a phone call from his estranged father, who he hasn’t spoken to since he was a child because of his mother, and asks to meet him. James panics that his life isn’t what he thinks it should be - in other words, he’s completely alone and unloved and doesn’t want his dad to know that - and asks Tina to pretend to be his fake fiancé for a few hours and says he’ll pay her for it.

She’s like “FINE if i’m getting paid but you also have to get us free McDonalds”. Tina stupidly suggests they pretend to get engaged in McDonalds for free chicken nuggets because it would be hilarious. Afterwards, they go to meet his dad, Tina pretends to be the fiancé and they eventually leave thinking all is swell. (Tina has not told Peter about this plan at all but she knows Peter doesn’t want her near James.)

Then shit just... hits the fan...

Incident 6: “Why did it have to be you?”

James, at this point, has realised he really, really, really likes Tina... And that he thinks he actually loves her. Instead of keeping it to himself, they’re walking back to the car, and he just comes out with the bombshell that he loves her and Tina does not take it well.

After a lifetime of always being strung along, Tina thinks he’s playing a cruel joke on her, because Tina wanted someone (Peter) to love her her whole life and she never got it. People have always toyed with her feelings like this in the past. When he insists he’s not joking she gets even more angry and says “Why did it have to be you?” which really stung James who has already been made feel worthless his whole life (to be revealed in a later point). Tina thinks James used her, and it’s a whole mess. They end up fighting and there are bitter tears and they have to sit in the car home like... not feeling great!! In an unexpected turn though, Tina softens and tries to lighten the mood before they get home. James’ self-worth has tanked by this point, which leads to self harm when he finally gets home, but a text from Tina pulls him out of it.

They think that’s the end of it, that Tina will never speak to James again, and James will be sad forever, but there’s more!

Incident 7: Word gets to Peter that Tina and Hook are engaged, and he is absolutely livid at Tina and demands she never speak to him again (but little does he know that somehow Tina felt so bad about what she said that she started texting James again, not apologising but like making jokes and somehow she ended up flirting with him again, and they were kind of low-key talking again. Basically by this point Tina is like Why can I not stop talking to him?) Tina insists to Peter that the whole thing was fake and that she only did it for the nuggets. Tina has promised never to speak to James again, and for a hot minute she “saw sense” and intended on not seeing him again except for work, so no more weird plans or anything because Peter said.

Then Incident 8: We are roughly at the end of January 2020. One night, at 2am Tina gets a phone call from James. He sounds awful, and he tells her he loves her again at which point Tina is confused, thinking he’s drunk. Before he can answer Tina’s question, someone takes over the call. He had been on his way to the hospital because he had been stabbed by a member of his old gang and was, y’know, actively dying.

Tina freaks out for multiple reasons, but mostly because she realises she actually really cannot lose James because he might actually be her friend, and he’s nice to her and he treats her well. (At this point she’s feeling something else but it has fully not clicked). In a pure blur, she rushes to the hospital, not telling Peter, because she thought he was legit going to die, and she was the last person he wanted to talk to before he went. Tina waits there on her own the entire time (for actual hours) while James is in emergency surgery, not knowing what’s going to happen or why she’s so scared.

In the early hours of the morning, he finally is in recovery, and Tina gets to see him, distraught talking to him while he’s out for the count.  He comes around for a little bit, they have a cute, melancholy conversation and she gets to go home when the fear of him dying is gone.

Tina hen visits him almost every day in the hospital “for work related things” because she made a moodboard for one of the hotel room’s themes and needs an excuse to talk to him more. (Somewhere around here is Valentine’s Day and James feels jealous that Tina is making Peter something for dinner.)

James eventually makes a recovery and gets out of the hospital and Tina has continued to see him through the whole journey and not tell a single person that she was there on the night of the emergency. (She is completely bottling it up at this point and it’s not doing her good.) Unfortunately, James’ past catches up to him a second time.

Incident 9: He has been home for a short amount of time, but one afternoon James sends Tina a text saying that he doesn’t want anything to do with her any more. He gets quite harsh with her to really send that message home, and Tina is raging because she’s like you put me through all this emotional turmoil for nOTHING?!?!?! I think the fuck not!

He suddenly stops replying, but instead of taking the hint, Tina decides to go to James’ house for a stern word with him. James starts by trying to get her to leave angrily, but it doesn’t work because she’s stubborn. We quickly find out that the reason he wants her out of his life is to protect her from his mother! She heard about the “engagement” and wasn’t happy about it.

This is where James reveals the really hard life that he has led up to this point -   His mother blamed him for his father leaving them, and then made it seem like James died to hurt his father. James ended up in care until he was 18 (and was in a gang through his teens and 20s), and was later forced to become a male escort when his mother came back for more revenge. She was just... hella abusive, not a fun time, and now, after a few years of James thinking he had gotten away from that life she showed up because she couldn’t let him be happily engaged.

The woman turns up at the house while Tina is there and starts fighting with James. At some point Tina sees nothing but red because dont treat him like that!!! and she ends up going on the attack. They finally get the woman out of the house and from that point on Tina is like nope I’m in this, must protect James!!!!!!!

Tina and James are fully not processing any of this at this point. The emotional turmoil they've both had in a short space of time is so bad that they're both 5 minutes away from a full mental breakdown and they're fully attached to each other at this point because of it.

So, one of Tina's personality traits at this point is that for sOme  reason she just cannot help herself from trying to wind up James because  it gets her attention. It always leads to low-key flirting that she  won't admit to because she's fully in denial that she fancies him at  this point, and James goes with it because he DOES fancy her and thinks  it's cute. They have a few conversations after this where they're being  nice to each other and whatever so there's a slight build up to this next part that Naomi and I didn't see coming until we got there...  

This leads us to Incident 10: The infamous Bubbles thread.

SOOOOOOOOOO Tina, looking for attention, shows up to James' house with the intention of bugging him until he agrees to throw a party at the hotel. Totally innocent, the following was genuinely not planned on Tina’s part. Anyway, Tina shows up and James is in the bath but by this point she's fully on the I'm here for attention and this will be hilarious road so she straight up just walks into his house, goes looking for him, finds him in the bathroom and kicks off her shoes to sit on the edge of the bath for a casual conversation. (There are bubbles so do not worry, she sees nothing!)

James is rightfully thinking “wtf Tina?” but she just keeps insisting on this party like this is a normal way to ask for anything. He gets sick of it and just pulls her into the bath fully clothed. There's too much flirting going on, but they get out and get changed, and we thought that was gonna be the end of it.

But then tension builds and builds, and the penny drops. It goes where you think. They end up sleeping together, which only complicates the matter because Tina isn’t over her feelings for Peter at this point, and she is TERRIFIED that he will find out about it, so she asks James to keep it a secret.

All of this tension and drama is building and finally Tina has an actual total meltdown a few months later because at this point she hasn't told anyone any of this, and it's been building for months. [Note: This was triggered by a plot in the RP we were in at the time, which is ret conned plot-wise here, but the meltdown and following comfort still occurred because it was important. Essentially, there was a mass spiking of drinks at a festival, which made Tina paranoid and all the previous trauma hit her on the come comedown, which sent her into a 3-day-long depressive episode] Following her crisis and meltdown, James came along to see if she was okay because he couldn't get a hold of her for 3 days and she confesses that she fancies him (but hasn't said love yet).

They're fully attached to each other at this point and end up with this weird secret relationship thing going that Tina is trying to keep from Peter because she gets so paranoid that he'll never want to speak to her again. (This is where all of Tina’s Peter issues are completely heightened because she has this terrible, debilitating fear that she will hurt Peter and that he’ll hate her, because Peter’s happiness is supposed to come first.)

Eventually, Tina finds that she has no choice but to tell Peter because it's driving her nuts and she doesn't want to tell him accidentally because she's having another meltdown. It isn’t fair on James either, who genuinely loves her, and is so kind and warm and loving toward her and she is ajkgajghuahg every time she is near him. James issues her an ultimatum, but she has to tell him or he will be finished with her. She realises she can’t let that happen either and she’s stuck in the turmoil of not wanting to lose the two most important people in her life.

(Somewhere in here James ends up caring for his younger twin sisters, but this is a story for Naomi to explain if you need it.)

Incident 11: Tina tells Peter some time in November, leading to another meltdown. She confesses that there has been something going on between her and James, tells part of the emotional turmoil from the hospital and so on, and that she lied and broke her promise. [This happened in between Peter players, some creative liberties were taken]

Peter was rightfully livid about the whole thing. Read this for the meltdown.

As punishment for lying, and having a thing for thee Pirate James Hook, Peter banishes her (which in Lost Boy speak is basically death. She was terrified he would banish her and he did it) for two weeks. Tina has another total meltdown following the banishment  and for the first time ever calls James to ask for help because she's so  heartbroken that she can't function thinking she had lost Peter  forever.  

Peter disappeared some time during this two-week period, returned briefly at Christmas pretending nothing happened, and then disappeared again until recently so Tina is all over the place.  For the first week she literally can't do anything, but also has been  thinking a lot a lot, and then on the second week at some point she  finally tells James she loves him.  He showed up to fix the cabinet door she broke mid-meltdown and she's just like aiuhauighiuahgu shit i love you.

Incident 12: The Blackout, December 5th. James had plans to propose now that he really knew Tina loved him, but the blackout and the hotel being thrown into chaos threw his plan completely out the window. Until it didn’t.

Tina accidentally used the proposal mug on the final day to make James a cup of tea to de-stress while they were at the hotel, inadvertently proposing to James by accident. After a proper explanation, James finally pops the question and Tina says yes. (Because we love chaos, they snuck away from the hotel for a while for... some not safe for the workplace things) and later returned like nothing happened.

So now they’re engaged and that’s us just about up to date. I think?

Now all that’s left to do is tell Peter about the engagement...

[yamithediaperdork]

How to make a big dumb baby (mortal instruments)

Jace sat up in his bed, looking around wildly as his alarm clock screeched at him to wake up. the shadow hunter didn't even recall going to bed last night, the last thing the blond recalled he'd been going into Alec's room to have a drink of what Alec had called 'the good stuff' and then.. nothing. "Man..it must of been hella strong." The blond said, rubbing the back of his head and slamming on the top of the alarm clock, shutting it up. Sure there had been black outs before, but he'd normally at least recall the first few drinks. 'At least I'm not hung over.' He thought, though there was a funny taste in his mouth that was familiar, but he couldn't quite place. Moving to slid out of bed, Jace winced, his asshole crying out in pain and he whined as he got up and stumbled for his personal bathroom, reaching back to conquer a growing itch on his ass. 'Then again maybe this so called good stuff gave me the shits.' Jace groaned. In his bathroom now, he dropped the only clothes he was wearing, a pair of boxer shorts, and checked himself out in the full body mirror hanging on the door. "Where the FUCK are my pubes!?!" He cried out, looking down and seeing that his crotch was bare as a babies. the cool air helped with the itching but as Jace turned around to check out his ass, he could see it was slightly red all over. '...Did I try and shave myself down there and give myself razor burn on my ass?!?' He wondered, face going crimson. a mental image of him tipsy and working a shaving razor popped in his head and he shuddered. the pain in his asshole was mostly fading, but in for a penny, in for a pound, Jace spread his cheeks and looked over his shoulder. and saw that his formerly tight rosebud had blossomed so to peak into a semi gaping hole. '...oh fuck me.. did I go all faggy while drunk again?' the blond mentally whined. it had happened before, he'd seen the video of it that was thankfully kept off of YouTube of him flirting with guys by asking them if they wanted to watch him shove a beer bottle up his ass bottom first. the video also had Alec in it stopping him and saying sorry to the guys at the bar. 'fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck! I bet he couldn't stop me in time..Jesus.. I'll just avoid him for today and say sorry tonight.' Jace decided.

Meanwhile, in anther room Alec was re-watching the video he'd taken from the night before. there was Jace alright, but unlike what the blond thought, he hadn't had a drop of booze. In fact last night had been the end result of 4 months of effort, working on the stupid blond to wear down all of his defenses and get at the sponge the boy dared to call a mind. Unlike most people who would of worked that hard and long, and had such a evil grin on their face while watching the end results of their hard work, Alec had no really evil plans for the stupid blond. Unless of course you counted making a smug blond bitch into a faggot diaper wearing cum dump evil. In which case, yeah. he was VERY evil.

The video in question had Jace freshly shaven, with his eyes glazed over, laying on his tummy and wiggling his butt for the camera. "Pweasssse daddy..give me a cum enema so i can make a pwesent fer ou!" Jace whined, almost in tears as he looked over his shoulder. "Sorry buddy." Came Alec's voice. "but you need a real enema first." "Nuuuu want dick in my faggot ass and daddy dick da best!" Jace pouted, looking like a giant toddler about to have a fit. "Little man, you keep going and daddy won't use any lube or baby powder, and you'll get a diaper rash." Alec's voice warned. "ou wouldn't!' "try me!" the video went on with Jace squealing as a cock shaped nozzle was shoved in his ass, making the blonds 6 inch cock dribble and make a mess, and then the enema flow of 1 week worth of piss poured into the dumb babies tummy, forcing him to get on his hands and knees as his belly ballooned. "Oh! Oh daddy! I's so full~" Jace moaned, the glazed eyes had lust in them and even with his cock stuffed and belly sloshing with Alec's piss.. the blond called over and get close. "Put da phone down and give me ba-ba?" Jace asked, and as the video angled down, it was easy to see the blond bitch nuzzling the front of Alec's pants. "Well i suppose. but only because you know I spoil you." Alec teased. the video followed as Alec took a seat on the edge of his bed, and Jace crawled over, tugging the enema rack and his nuzzle alone with him. with daddies cock freed from his jeans, Jace gave it a nice fat sloppy kiss on the cock head, then showed he didn't have a gag reflex as he took all 8 and half inches without gagging. Alec recalled how he'd felt the boy using his throat muscles to milk him without even pulling back for air for a good 20 seconds, before the blond's head turned into a blur. it was almost as if the impending big dumb baby couldn't stand to have the cock out of his throat one second longer then needed, and as a result Alec who could normally last a good half hour had cum in under two minutes of the assault from the babies throat. "B-Baby daddies gonna.." Alec moaned in the video. Jace pulled off and pumped daddies cock with his hands, and pointed the massive fuck meat at his own face, eyes closed but mouth wide open and tongue hanging out. "Ahhhhh!" the baby giggled. Jace's cock was throbbing and leaking and as daddy painted his face, the dumb hypnotized baby came too, though while full pleasure orgasms were clearly rocking him, and his dick was twitching like crazy, his cum just dribbled out in a slow steady stream driving the poor baby mad. Still the baby didn't whine too much and ran his tongue over his mouth. "Mmm real daddy flavor!"" he giggled and then posed with his hands making the peace sin for the video. "what are you baby Jace?" "I'm daddies cum dumpster!" the baby coo'ed. From there the video followed as Alec wiped the jizz off of the big babies face, making sure to pop the fingers he was using for it in the babies mouth, then it was time to get the cum dumpster in his huggies. taking out a custom diaper that was the bulk of five normal adult baby ones (Hey, Alec wasn't stupid he knew the little stink bag was gonna have to go lots and it was bad enough he was gonna be wiping the stinkers ass, let alone handling leakage) He taped up one side of it fully and had it halfway taped up on the other. the cellphone had been set on a stand to record and Alec looked back and wagged his eyebrows for the viewing audience, then turned his attention back to the cum dumpster. "Alright buddy, Daddies gonna yank your cock nozzle out, I know it'll be hard but I want you to try and hold your poopies in till daddy finish's diapering you. you think you can do that or are you just a dumb diaper baby who should be in diapers 24/7?" Alec asked, reaching in and griping the nozzle. "Um..dat a trick question daddy?" Jace coo'ed, looking over his shoulder and giving a dip shit grin. "Cuz I IS a dumb diaper baby who should always be in diapies..But I'll twy fer ou!" the big baby promised. "Good boy." Alec said and yanked the plug out, making the boy go from smiling to making a adorable face. his eyes popped and his mouth when in a 'o' shape and Alec was glad he had recorded it, since as the video showed, he hadn't had time to enjoy it, instead taping the thick diaper shut. within seconds a loud sputtering wet fart filled the room and the massive diaper when from having blue sides and white in the front and back to the back turning a dark and ugly brown as it ballooned out. woah, i didn't think you'd discolor it so fa- GUH!" Alec was saying on the video, leaning down and looking at the damage then jerking back up and holding his nose, waving a hand. "Jesus! for all of you watching, you should be lucky you don't have to SMELL this!" he complained. Jace whined but nodded, holding his nose, and whining out a quiet 'i's stinky' before screwing up his face again. "Ojhhhhh ahhh! Pooopppingggg dadddddyyyy!" the big baby cried out, as more thunderous farts erupted and the diaper sagged even more under the weight of the waste. "yeah no shit Sherlock! Jesus! these where made for containing stink! how are you already-" Alec complained, but was cut off by the stinker. "C-Cuz I'm a BIG STINKY BABY!" Jace moaned and whimpered, blasting out a massive log given the shape the back of the diaper took and his eyes rolling up in his head as he drooled. "DADDY I'M CUMMING! GOO GOO GAGA!! GOO GOO GAGA!!"

The video cut off there, but the rest of the evening played in Alec's mind just fine. Him scolding the stinker, making him crawl around, giving him a poopie horsie ride. when Jace had started to complain that his butt was getting itchy Alec had only told him 'GOOD. it makes up for having to smell you!' and the big baby had only nodded and offered up his mouth to say sorry with a mouth present. All and all the only hitch in the plan was he hadn't counted on how fucking toxic the big baby could be, and planned on making him wear two of the massive diapers the next time. Sure, the diapers weren't cheap but Alec had to protect his nose.

the day passed without incident for the most part. there was a nest of shape shifters who had to e killed sure, and a rouge mage who was planning on summoning a army of the dead to take over the city, but really all and all, it was a normal day at work for the crew. the thing that stood out the most was the distance that Jace was keeping from Alec, and the fact that Jace kept scratching at his butt. "Jesus, do you have fleas or something?" Clary asked, the millionth or so time he reached back. "If your chafing THAT back maybe cut down on all the black leather, just a thought!" Jace had pouted and blushed, and muttered off a insult but then they went back to work.

With everything looking quiet for the night, Jace finally made his way to Alec's room. he'd gotten his hands on a certain remedy for his itchy butt after being forced to look into it, and the diaper cream was making his silk boxers stick to his butt while giving off a faint aroma. Knocking on the door, Jace semi hoped that Alec wouldn't be in, but to his dismay the door opened up almost right away. "Yes?" Alec asked, a amused look on his face. "I uh..Can I come in?" Jace asked, rubbing the back of his head and looking sheepish. "I suppose so. did you want anther drink of the good stuff?" Alec asked, walking away from the door but leaving it open for Jace to come in. "NO! I mean..I'm thankful you shared it it..but.. " Jace squirmed and blushed more and struggled to say what he came to say. "why don't you take a seat." Alec offered, gesturing to a chair. "Yeah OK." Jace said faintly. "So, May I assume by that reaction, and you're blush, you don't recall what you did last night, but your worried you made a ass out of yourself?" Alec asked, smirking, and shutting the door. "Y-yeah.. I mean.. I think I.. uh.." Jace trailed off. "You think you went all faggy again?" Alec supplied, smirking. "That's one way of putting it, yeah." Jace said. "Well I can assure you, that you were a lot of fun, and you might of been a little silly, but it's all good. you really seemed to need to unwhine. Are you sure you don't want something to drink?" "Look I uh.. I woke up and..well..I'm BALD down..there..soo..Did I-" Jace whined, squirming. "oh, you didn't shave yourself. I did that for you. Seemed safer and well I got to eyeball the goods." Alec said, pouring himself a bit of rye. "WHAT!?!" "well it was let you do it yourself and cut yourself, or do it for you, or worse, you were gonna go door to door looking for help." Alec lied. "Bullshit!" Jace said hotly. "I know i can get a little crazy, but there's no way I would of-" "-sigh- Your right of course. Damn it. I really wanted to stretch this out, have fun with it but your just being a annoying little twat monkey." Alec said. "Excuse me?" "I didn't stutter boy. I've been working you for months and the pay off was last night. you didn't have a drop of liquor Jace, I put you in a trance and then made you into my little diaper filling faggot." Alec said, Sipping his drink and his tone more suggested he was talking about a local sports team then making his friend into a diaper fag slave. "...Y-Your joking right? because that's not fucking funny!" Jace said, taken back. "Actually it kinda was, you should see your adorable pooping face..Daddies little man." Jace went to go and get up, but felt a strange calmness flood his body and he stayed seated, getting a goofy grin on his face and a finger went up his nose. "Right now you're still aware, but under my control. this state isn't maintainable long term and I was hoping to have longer to use it on you. But before I blank out your adult mind and r5educe you to a 24/7 diaper shitting cum guzzler I wanted to let you know I'm sorry." Alec said, coming over and patting Jace's head even as the helpless soon to be permanent big baby dug for nose gold. "It's s'ok daddy. I forgive ya." Jace said automatically, while his mind screamed out for help. "Thank you little guy, but don't interrupt daddy. I'm sorry I didn't do this to you sooner you arrogant piece of shit. I want you to know I'm gonna enjoy telling everyone that you were my closet big baby and suffered a break down, that you just wanna be a big baby all the time. and who knows,m maybe in 10 or so years I'll get sick of wiping your shitty ass and let you grow up again. " Alec said, pulling the finger out of the boys nose and wiping it clean. "Any last words before I plunge you into diaper shitting hell?" Alec asked, kissing the blonds cheek. "Big boy words." Instantly Jace felt he had control over his own mouth, and while his stupid grin wouldn't go away he glared at Alec. "You can't do this! there's no way someone won't figure this out. You really think the other will let you just kee-" "Baby talk." Alec said, waving a hand and rolling his eyes. "I can't believe you wasted your chance to try and bargain with me to make cliche threats. Then again not like it would of done you any good." "Oh gosh daddy I can't wait for total diapies all the time! can you spank me lots too? Pleassssse?" Jace heard himself pleading, and found himself on his knees holding his hands together. "Heh, well if it's what YOU want." Alec said with a sneer.

Knowing he had time before he'd have to put Jace under deeper, Alec decided to out the little diaper fag while he was fully aware. He knew the others actually were just as sick of Jace's shit as him, and had in any case implanted triggers in them that would encourage them to be just as teasing and mean with the baby as he was. Jace wouldn't find any help there. Deciding to make it as humiliating as possible, Alec went all out with triple diapering Jace and then spending the better part of a half hour working up a tiny pair of white shorts over the diaper, positive that when the first messing the now forever baby was gonna rip the shorts anyways. to go with them though he added a little sailor top that was more like a crop top and showed off Jace's brilliant 6 pack that would soon be replaced with chub from all the baby food the stupid baby was gonna be fed. A pair of navy blue socks and black dress shoes when on the dumb babies feet and a sailor hat on the head completed the look. "well don't you look cute~" Alec teased, taping Jace's nose. "Sailor Jace reporting for dooty sir!" the big baby giggled out loud as Jace mentally kept repeating how this couldn't be happening. Giving the big baby a bottle of apple juice mixed with piss and a powerful laxative, Alec took Jace's hand and helped the big baby walk toward the door. "Ready for the first day of the rest of your life?" He asked the blond, who was chugging on his ba-ba and too distracted to answer. A bubbly fart came out of Jace's backside instead, and Alec smirked. "Well said."

The end

[nightwingshero]

Claws and Fangs Chapter 2

“You come here often?” his voice grinding on my nerves immediately, and I roll my eyes. I remind myself that we’re technically in public, so ripping his tongue out would be frowned upon. I hand my application over as Hudson walks away, glaring at Pratt on the way. The sheriff’s station is clear except for him and I, and I wished that I was anywhere else than here. “After being here for about a month, I thought for sure you would already be doing something else. Does deputy really suit you?”

“Leave me alone.” I replied, not looking up from my phone. I refused to give him an inch, not a bit of attention that he would snag onto and run with.

“Aww, that’s no way to treat your future fellow colleague.” He leaned against the desk next to me with his arms folded over his chest. “We might be partners, you know.”

I sneered at him, my eyes hardening. “I refuse to have anything to do with you.”

The door opened and shut loudly, drawing our attention to the front. A young woman stood with a green hoodie; the hood pulled up over her head. Her long, stringy, brown hair hung around her face, hiding it. But she shifted, and my eyes widened at the scars that marred her tan skin. Her dishwater eyes scan the room coldly before making her way to the visitor’s center. I can smell her from here, reminding me a bit of sage. I knew what she was, but she doesn’t dare meet my curious gaze, keeping her head down.

“That’s Jess Black. She’s Dutch’s niece.”

“What happened to her?” I asked and he scoffed. I threw him a look, and his smug smirk was back as he shrugged.

“What happens to anyone who crosses those lines. Holland Valley and Whitetail Mountains are off limits, babe. And she learned that the hard way.”

I bare my teeth at his slip, and he takes a step back. “Don’t call me that.” I eye the door she walked in, deep in thought. I knew they were claw marks, and I’m sure they came up with a story for the cover up. But something just didn’t sit right with me. “Who did that to her?”

Pratt sighed; boredom painted on his features. “Let’s just say it’s not someone you want to piss off.” He pushed himself off, making a show of brushing nonexistent lint off his shoulder. “Stick with Dutch, girl. He’ll keep you from the big bad wolves.” He turned and left me with a chill going down my spine.

  I knew that if Rowan saw me standing here, she would have my head. But I couldn’t help it. The river calmly running beneath the bridge. My finger twitched. We had been living in Hope County for about a month now, and I thought that scent would have left my mind by now, but it still haunted me. A curiosity I couldn’t quell pushed me closer and closer to the edge, and each night I went for a run, my wolf wandered closer and closer to this damn river.

We were still technically rogues. A makeshift pack wasn’t a real pack, and it wasn’t something Rowan and I fully committed to the old man convinced that he was an alpha of a fucking island. We weren’t stupid. But that didn’t stop us from being wary of what awaited in the other regions. Or how the Henbane was the most untouched. This past time was the only other time I had seen Pratt since that night at the pizza bar, and Rowan and I both roamed to familiarize ourselves with it. And yet there wasn’t a trace of them anywhere. I wasn’t sure where this his “pack” even was, assuming he was right.

I took a hesitant step forward, the jeep behind me and pulled off the road. Part of me expected the old man to immediately jump out and yell at me for even thinking of doing this, but nothing happens as I take another step. And suddenly, I find myself walking across the same bridge we had crossed before. The sweet scent still clung to the air until I got over halfway, and then it’s there again. It definitely reminded me of sandalwood, a hint of spice just alluring enough to draw you in closer. God, it was intoxicating.

Stepping off the bridge, I inhaled deeply. It was as if a fog had lifted from my head. Everything was so clear and bright. I smiled, grasping onto the way the leaves on the trees shimmered in the sun, a radiant glow that called to me like it never had before. Everything was more alive here, I could hear the birds singing so loudly, and there was a deer running through the forest. I laughed in awe, carefree and light.

The scent was a couple of days old, but it hung onto everything. I followed it in the direction of the forest, as it ran along the border of the river. I found it strange, but I paid it no mind. I was determined to find the source, and as I stepped into the shadows of the forest, I knew I would find it.

It had been about an hour since I disappeared into the brush, but I was no closer to finding the source. I would go too far and lose it, having to circle back. It seemed to run parallel to the river, not straying from the border. I frowned. It was just so strange. I stopped, picking a white flower along the way. Bringing it to my nose, I gag, dropping it immediately as my nose burned. The sickly-sweet aroma lingering, and I realized that this was what caused the scent in the Henbane.

I froze as a low growling came from behind me. I straighten and look over my shoulder as I’m suddenly tackled to the ground. Sharp, hot pain shoots through my shoulder as their claws dig in, easily cutting through. I cry out immediately, and attempt to get away, my nails scrapping the dirt for some sort of purchase beneath the twigs and fallen leaves.  

“Rogue!” the man snarls, and I’m terrified. I turn and try to kick this man away. He’s bearded, wild, and the rage in his eyes is overwhelming. I finally start to get to my feet, turning back away, but he’s on me in seconds. He fists my hair and slammed it against the forest floor, causing me to cry out. His knee dug into the center of my back, making it impossible to move.

A growl sounds, louder and angrier than the one before. It’s deep and I can feel it in my chest. I’m immediately twisting my neck in submission, my whole body shaking. Tears began to fall as I desperately try to figure a way out of this. The man loosens his hold as says the exact thing that had crossed my panicked mind.

“Alpha.”

Another growl rang through the air, a warning, and the man quickly stumbled away. The strange scent hits me stronger, and I can’t help the curiosity driving my actions. I peek up, and my eyes widen at what I saw. I’ve never encountered one before, but Rowan always told me that I would know one when I saw it. And she was right. This wolf wasn’t anything I had ever seen in my life. His eyes are blue, ocean blue, and his coat is a shiny, dark brown. So dark it was almost black. He was massive and lean, enough muscle mass to rip you apart, but I would bet my money on speed being his strength. The shock of him was one thing, the reaction of my own wolf was another. I fought her back as she came to the surface, curious and liking what she saw. I was absolutely appalled as I exhaled heavily. Of all the males we have encountered, none of them had piqued her interest until now. And this male was likely going to kill us.

He caught the shift, his ears twitching as he bares his teeth, and ice-cold fear twists my gut. I raise my hands in surrender the best I could, my head tilting down to submit. I couldn’t meet his eyes, not again. I couldn’t risk it. I knew that if I was in my fur, I would’ve gone belly up by now, which sparks an anger in me. I didn’t enjoy this, and the fact that I heeled for a complete stranger tasted bitter in my mouth, memories of my father swarming in my mind. I didn’t want anyone else to have that control over me. Rowan and I answered to no one.

I jump when I feel his snout brush through my hair, sniffing and investigating. I fought the desperate urge to bury my face in his fur as the scent invades my space completely, and I feel like a fool. It had been him this whole time, his scent setting the boundary of his territory right along the river. He pressed his teeth against my neck, and I shudder. I’m trembling as he applied a bit of pressure. Fresh tears cloud my vision as I wait for him to rip into me, ending the life of me and my wolf. She’s clawing inside, whining in the back of my mind to be let out, but I can’t. I don’t want her to be the one to die with his jaw around her throat. I owed her more than that, she deserved better than that, and her curiosity wasn’t worth it.

I don’t dare move, waiting for the inevitable, but it doesn’t come. He pulled away, his tongue running over where his teeth had been. I almost choke at the shock as he turns, placing his body over me and hunching down slightly, enough to where his fur was caressing against my skin, tickling as he moved. He snarled viciously, and I turned my head to see what exactly he saw as a threat. I expected a bear, a cougar, perhaps a regular wolf. But I wasn’t expecting the group of wolves gathered around the trees, circling us.

I realized immediately that they were males, warrior wolves perhaps, from his pack, glaring at me as he stood over my body. I Inhale deeply, trying to force my beating heart to slow as I wait. My muscles tense, my trembling coming to an end. I shift slightly, slowly adjusting my body. He looks down at me for a second before a wolf stepped forward, a growl ringing through the quiet forest. His head snapped back with a growl of his own, deep and threatening.

I see the opportunity and take it. Only for a split second do I mourn for the clothes I’m fond of before I’m forcing a change, my favorite leather jacket ripping into pieces as I leap and barely land on four legs. I stumbled, hitting a tree before I right myself and take off. I’m running as fast as I can, desperate to get across the river. Her curiosity is gone, she’s skittish enough to get the hell out of dodge, especially when a pack is questioning an alpha in the presence of a rogue. We were both keen on living.

I can feel him behind me, snapping at my tail as I zigzag through the trees. She thinks it’s a game, but I’m waiting for him to make the killing move. There was no way in hell I could outrun this male. I know the distraction wasn’t enough, he hadn’t been as unaware of me as I had hoped. My heart hammers, and I’m trying to push to go faster and faster. My black coat catches on branches and thorns, but I paid no mind. That was nothing compared to the pain the male behind me could cause.

Finally, I broke through the line of trees and I leap into the river, paddling madly as exhaustion began to set in. Once my paws hit bottom on the other side, my change forces itself back over me, and I collapse on my knees on the muddy bank with a cry. My muscles are screaming, my head pounding. I hadn’t had to do something like that in so long, forcing my wolf out without warning took such a toll on me. Rowan said it was because I hadn’t been trained properly from a young age. My endurance wasn’t where it was supposed to be, I hadn’t practiced enough. Instead of embracing myself for who or what I was, I hid it deep down and I was paying the price.

I crawled up further on the bank as my body trembled from the exertion. I sat up and pulled my leg close to my chest, curled up into myself as a sob forced its way out of my mouth, and I look at the other side of the river. He’s there, standing tall and alert, his eyes not leaving me. I’m almost completely bare to him, and I know that embarrassment will find me later, but the fear is still coursing through my veins. His gaze doesn’t waver as he takes me in, from my scars to my tattoos, and the blood that’s running from the marks on my shoulder.

He doesn’t move, both of us taking each other in, and I fight the urge to bare my teeth. Mostly out of fear and humiliation, knowing that there was very little he had seen. My show of modesty was in vain, but it had given me some sort of comfort or reassurance as I watch the male on the other side. My wolf wants to whine and come back out, but we’re both exhausted. My pride cared nothing for her want to investigate the beast. And as if he too could sense it, he huffs before smacking his paw in the water, giving a false start to the side, and watching to see how I would react.

I breath out heavily in shock at his display. He was trying to play, and she loved it. She tries to rush to the surface, desperate for control, forcing a painful cry to leave my lips, and I double over. I breathe deeply, trying hard to rein her in. I hum loudly as the pain forces my muscles to tighten, my whole body feeling like a charley horse. My muscles spasm before finally she recedes back. A sound leaves me that I don’t recognize, a painful moan that is almost incoherent to me. And I turn to glare at him as he analyzes me, every move, every sound. Hatred fuels me as I realize it’s for him to study me. To watch what I do, like some sort of fucking experiment that amused him, and I finally show fang in disdain, a clear and obvious threat. Not caring that my display is disrespectful and challenging, that I could come to regret it. I was safe, I wasn’t on his territory, and I could hear his growl in response as I turn back away.

My nails are digging deep in the mud, and I just want to go home. I don’t offer him another glance and he huffed in frustration at my lack of action. Finally, he runs back in the forest, and spare a look just to make sure. I stand, hesitantly, on shaky legs as I make my way back to my jeep. Praying that there wasn’t anyone around to witness me. I had never been more thankful for this county than I had been then.

Rowan is home by the time I pull in. I quickly slide out, almost collapsing to the ground before catching myself. I walk around, going through the back door into the kitchen. I didn’t want to track mud everywhere, and I also didn’t want someone to see me at the front of the house. Trying to be cautious as possible. The kitchen light is on and I know she’s about to start dinner soon. I can hear her laughing at something on the tv. I stumble against the counter, and pause, taking a deep breath.

“I can hear you banging around in there. You’d think that for a werewolf, you would be less—” she stops midsentence, and I can hear her sniffing the air and jumping from the couch. “Wren, is that…?” She rounds the corner and looks at me with pure shock and horror, both emotions fighting for dominance on her face. Her deep brown eyes search before they finally land on the marks on my shoulder, coated in drying blood. “What happened?” She finally breathes out.

I look at her, tired and sore. A sob catches in my throat and I swallow it back down. There’s no reason to cry anymore, what was done was done. “Alpha.” I say as I fall to my knees.

  I’m sitting on the couch with a blanket wrapped around me, the towel she had originally used on the kitchen and long forgotten. The shower was quick, the skin on my shoulder quickly pulling together and healing. The hot water finally forced my muscles to relax, my wolf becoming calmer and calmer. I quickly found a pair of shorts and a tank top before settling in the living room with Rowan.

She leaned forward in the armchair, contemplating. “And he just…let you go?”

“I wouldn’t exactly call it letting me go.”

“But he didn’t catch you, right? He wasn’t the one that attacked you?”

I shrugged with a sigh. “He chased after me when I took off. He nipped at my tail a few times but didn’t get a hold of it. Maybe I was just faster than him.” I knew better, but it was an attempt to throw out an explanation, and the look Rowan threw at me confirmed what I already knew.

“No. There’s no way in hell you could outrun an alpha, Wren. No offense.” She sits back, pulling her knees to her chest as she meets my gaze. “The healthiest and fastest of us could never outrun an alpha.”

“His pack reacts poorly to rogues.”

“Most packs usually do.” Rowan sighed. “So, his scent has been what’s causing this with you?”

“I…I don’t know.” I reply with a shrug. “I just know my wolf has been stirred up since driving through the Valley and hasn’t exactly eased up.”

Rowan hummed, her head tilting to the side a bit “He pressed his teeth against your neck?”

I scoffed. “Yeah, after he was sniffing around. I thought he was going to kill me.”

“No, that’s not what he was doing. Not that I believe, anyway.” She laughed, drinking her hot tea before continuing. “I think he was enforcing his dominance and checking to see if you were actually unmated.”

“What?” I asked, throwing her a look and she just shrugged.

“I mean, you had just left the sheriff’s department. You probably smelled a bit like Pratt. And I mean, I think there’s a possible bond between you two—"

“No. No, absolutely not.” I immediately rejected the idea. “For one, I’m sure alphas smell good to every female—”

“I didn’t smell him, Wren. You did.” Rowan cut in, returning my look with a serious one of her own.

“Yeah, and I’m sure that an alpha would get paired with a rogue.” I replied sarcastically.

“When you mate with a male, the female’s status changes to that of the male. If a beta female mates with an omega, their status lowers. And vice versa.” I scoffed and rolled my eyes, tucking the blanket tighter around my shoulders. “Look, obviously nature wouldn’t just pair a super weak wolf with an alpha, everything would collapse. There has to be a balance. But the female changes after bonding. It has to in order fill the position they just practically married into. If you mate with an alpha, he’ll train you to make you stronger, and your biology shifts to be able to take it.”

“I don’t like the sound of that at all.”

“No, but your wolf does.” I look at her in shock, trying to desperately come up with an argument, but I was empty handed. I hated how right she was. “This is the first male that has even been on this level of a pull, and she’s excited, because it’s an alpha and she has his attention.”

“And I’m sure every single alpha loves to give attention to every female they’re compatible with.”

“Bitch, you think you’re picky?” Rowan laughed and she shook her head. “Sure, you’ll have those alphas that gorge themselves on females because they can, but for the most part? They’re picky. Extremely so. Alphas have issues with finding matches, too. I mean, they’re alphas. We mate for life, Wren. That bond doesn’t break easy, if at all. And if it does, it’s either madness or death for them. When a wolf dies, their mate is soon to follow. An alpha’s mate is a crucial member, because they’re the other half of the dominant pair. Believe me, alphas do not pick them carelessly.” She leaned forward, setting her mug on the coffee table as she eyed me. “You said he was testing you, watching you like a hawk at that river. Why do you think that is?”

I don’t answer, because I was afraid of what I would say. But more importantly, I was afraid of what she was implying. I ignore her question completely as I go on. “Yeah, okay. So, let’s just say hypothetically there’s a chance, a small one, that you might be right. Obviously, I’m not going to just run over there and offer to mate with him.”

“Oh hell no.” Rowan reacted, a look of absolute horror crossing her features. “No, don’t do that.”

“Wasn’t going to.” I muttered to myself.

“You need to make sure you’re compatible on both sides. Like I said, we only mate once. Your wolf isn’t the only one involved in that, you’re a package deal. Your wolves could adore each other, but the other side of you could despise the hell out of each other. You could be miserable, which can and has led to people breaking the mate bond. That’s why I think a lot of us died off so quickly. We saw the numbers dwindling, so our kind thought it would be a good idea to just mate with anyone that we had the slightest pull towards. The theory was that you mated, reproduced, and helped rebuild our numbers. But it backfired because a lot of wolves, thinking that having the slightest bit of compatibility, believed that this was enough. And it wasn’t. It caused a lot of issues that ended in demented lone wolves or just wolves dying left and right from being so unhappy. Our numbers decreased twice as fast.”

I breath out heavily as I feel the weight in my chest. The fear and uncertainty curled and twisted in my gut as I processed her words. I knew this, and deep down, that was part of the problem. Between the history of our kind and my father, I had told myself that mating was bad news. But my wolf whined, almost begging for us to turn back and to see if he had returned to the river now that our strength was back. But I was too terrified to even consider it. Alphas meant dominance, which meant power over other people. I didn’t want to be in that situation ever again. Flashes of my father made me cringe. “I don’t think I’m keen on meeting him, Rowan.”

“And that’s your choice.” Her voice soft and understanding. “Just make sure you make the choice that’s best for both of you.”

[holycalum]

vice (c.h.) part TWO

part one part 3 part 4

summary- post meltdown at party, cal and (y/n) get into it ya that’s it

word count- 1.9k+

warnings?- swearing, some almost smut, 

a/n- im hoping this is better than the first part i hope u like it that is all for now calum and i made time to see each other after that. we miraculously had a few free hours that overlapped, so we sat in the library friday afternoon, deciding to knock out some homework from our shared class together as i delved into the cluster-fuck of my life 

calum pushed his books to the side, and laid on his arms, looking at up me. his brown eyes were wide and puppy like, a gaze that looked foreign on him.

“yes?” i laughed, resting my cheeks in my hands, i tried to keep my voice from shaking while i talked to him. despite him looking like he could choke me out with his pinky, he was oddly gentle around me. that didn’t stop my nerves at all in the slightest, he was hot and scary; a dangerous combination i had only seen in ashton, the years prior.

“we came here to talk about your very secretive situation,” he stated, rasing his eyebrows. “and you’ve hardly said anything.”

“sorry,” i mumbled, a blush creeping up my neck. “where do you want me to start.”

he shook his head and laughed, “i’m not really sure, just go at it i guess?”

“ok so, two married couples are friends, happen to both have babies at the same time,” i start, clasping my hands together, “couples are wealthy, figure that if they married into each other, they could be double wealthy, kids grow up, parents kinda force it.”

“ok weird,” calum says,

“hey,” i defended, grinning sheepishly.

“but nothing i didn’t expect,” he sat back up, leaning in his chair. the look he gave me almost had me melting on to the floor. “continue.”

“so, david, that guy, he’s like a family friend. it’s kinda all i’ve ever known, i guess i kinda had a crush on him in the beginning, because he was the only boy to give me attention. we dated through high school, and i ended up not really liking him much at all.” i rambled, biting my thumb nail. “but, my parents have been so adamant on me just marrying him. like, i told them i didn’t want to, and they went off, and told me that it was a privilege because it meant i never really had to think for myself, i’d always be taken care of. my whole life i’ve been spoiled and taken care of by my parents, they’ve basically programmed me to have to rely on david to live.” calum’s face dropped,

he opened his mouth before speaking, “so, you’re whole life you’ve just been with him?”

“pretty much,” i flipped my pencil around, focusing my eyes on the wooden pattern on the table instead of calum’s intense eye contact. “i tried dating people in college, after we broke up after high school, really only because we’d be apart. but, it doesn’t even matter, it’s not worth being in a relationship because i’m just gonna be with him anyways.” i let out a long breath, “i don’t even know why i’ve killed myself these last three years in college, if it doesn’t even matter.” i mumbled, tears stinging my eyes. i found myself spilling more than i usually did to people, it was like calum broke the dam inside of me and the words were pouring out of my mouth involuntarily.

“maybe it’s an opportunity to get out?” calum searched for solutions in the worst place to look. my heart ached.

“it’s just,” i breathed, forcing hot tears back into my eyes, “i don’t even know if i could, that’s my family, all i’ve ever known, and not marrying him would mean i fuck up their whole thing.”

“it’s not worth it…” he spoke for me, running tattooed fingers through his curls.

“yeah,” i agreed, “i mean i’ve accepted it, i’m just not happy with it.”

“what would it take to…yanno, save you?” he asked, gesturing at me with his hands.

i laughed, “i don’t know, fall in love with someone richer by the end of the year or piss them off so much they give in.” i closed my eyes for a second, “both are un-fucking-likely.”

“maybe not.” he grinned at me, brown eyes staring into mine.

my overbearing home life often caused me to be impulsive.

one moment, calum and i were having normal small talk outside my building, and then the next we were kissing and making a b-line to his place opposed to mine.

“holy shit,” calum breathed, tanned, tattooed fingers grazing my burning skin and he lit a fire within me i haven’t felt in a long time, if ever. “fucking gorgeous.” he mumbled against my throat, fingers gripping my hips.

“hmm?” i could feel my voice vibrate against his roaming lips and a shiver went down my spine. he disconnected his plump lips from the column of my throat, giving me a chance to leave a lingering kiss on his neck instead. he groaned and threw his head back against his headboard.

“you’re dangerous, pretty girl.” he spoke, voice broken. “for both of us.” “jesus christ, (y/n).” samantha scolded me, later that night. “hanging out with calum hood? i swear you do things in spite of your parents.” i squinted at her.

“what?” i could feel my hands get clammy, 

“you’ve seen him right? your parents would absolutely flip.” she grumbled, brushing her wet hair.

“when’d you even see me?” i asked, sitting on my bed. my heart was pounding loudly in my chest, threatening to jump out and land on samantha. then she’d definitely know i’m not innocent. 

“i was at the library,” she said, running her fingers through her now knot free hair. “oh my god, your dad would burn a city down if he saw you with him.”

“he was nice to talk to…” i trailed off, blushing at the events that took place, after we spoke.

“you sure that’s why you had a good time? because he’s nice to talk to?” she asked, each question jabbing me like a knife, “or because it would piss mommy and daddy off-is that a fucking hickey?”

“why are you being so mean about it?” i questioned, avoiding her accusation of my obviously bruised neck, and i glanced at her instead of my phone for a second, slapping a hand over the mark.

“listen, (y/n).” she sighed, turning around to face me. “calum’s not the greatest guy ever, you might get hurt and i don’t even think you’re doing this for the right reasons.”

“i would’ve done this with anyone!” i argued, “you sound like you’re making excuses, you’ve never been like this.”

“anyone you found attractive,” she remarked, “don’t think you would’ve fucked just any-“

“so, i’m just supposed to end up with david. that’s it?” i cut her off, my voice faded out, cracking a bit.

she let out another breath, “well, that’s what you always say anyways. cutting it kinda close…”

“what if i don’t fucking want to,” i rolled my eyes, “you’ve been all ‘fuck david’ since you’ve met me, and now suddenly when i’m trying to get out of this…you don’t even wanna support me.”

“that was before it was all real, (y/n).” samantha spat, “unfortunately for you, you don’t have anything but david. what else are you gonna do? marry calum?”

“who knows!” i yelled,

“i thought you would’ve accepted it by now,” samantha growled, “you’ve grown up a spoiled little girl and now you don’t want it.”

i let out a grunt and threw my phone onto my bed, and buried my face into my pillow. i heard a faint ringing and i groaned, rolling over and answering my phone. “hello?” i didn’t check to see who it was.

“hey, sweetheart!” my mom’s voice chirped from the other line, it was odd to hear from her.

“hi mom,” i said, my heart racing, “what’s up?”

“so…” she started, and it only caused my body to go cold. “we think you should just..come home. now.”

“you want me to what?” i stammered, fully sitting up and staring at the floor in disbelief. they wanted me to do what?

“come home, we think you should come home.”

i sputtered gibberish, not believing what i was hearing, “and why do we think this? who is we? what?”

“well david said-“

“oh so it’s david, you’re just gonna listen to whatever david says? i’m almost done! what the hell was the point of sending me if you’re gonna try and pull me out the second david says-“

“he just mentioned you weren’t doing well,” she said softly, but i’m fuming. “he thought it might be a good idea.”

“what does david know!” i yelled, my face hot. “he’s not even done with college! is he worried i’m tainted now, that our children won’t be perfect. god.” i couldn’t stop myself from raising my voice.

“calm down, (y/n).” my mom coos, i almost gag at her tone; it was condescending and i hated it. “i’m sure you can think about it and make a decision after midterms, right?”

“whatever,” i grumbled, and hung up. one of the many nights after that, i laid beside calum, blissfully fucked out. being around him was addicting, and i couldn’t get enough of him.

i closed my eyes sleepily, “wish i could just stay here,” i murmured, my head nodding to the side to look up at calum. he had his arm underneath my head, allowing us to touch and cool off at the same time.

“what was that?” he said, a cocky smile plastered on his face.

“wish i could just stay here.” i repeated, louder this time. the grin on his face exploded into a full smile. he pulled me closer to him, making me roll over halfway on top of him. i giggled and wrapped an arm around his waist. “i have to go home in a couple weeks…”

his grip on my arm tightened, “and see him.” he gritted his teeth, and i could feel his body tense up.

“i’m scared,” i whispered into the tattoo on his collar bone.

“why’s that, pretty girl.” he asked, posture softening at my tone. “wait-hold on.” he wiggled from my grip, leaving me laying face down on the bed. he returned a few moments later, wearing a pair of sweatpants and holding a shirt and boxers. he held them out for me.

i cocked an eyebrow at him, “so we don’t have to have a conversation naked,” he clarified, and i smiled taking the clothes from him. i shimmied then on, basking in his scent all around me. he climbed back into his bed, pulling the sheets back over us.

“why are you scared?” he asked again, comforter up to his chin, eyes wide and puppy like. i almost forgot why i was sad. it was easy to talk to calum about what was happening, after the day in the library he opened up a bit, softening around me, which was not what i had expected at all. i often filled him in, figuring updating him would be a release for me, but it only wove him into my life more.

i sighed, “i’m scared he’s gone propose to me.” i looked down at calum, and i wished i could keep the moment with me forever. he was right, this was dangerous, but i couldn’t stop myself.

“what would you say?” he whispered, reaching out for my hand to pull me to lay down with him again. my heart swelled at the sight of his messy hair and golden skin.

“i guess…” i squeezed my eyes shut, and laid back down. he pulled me close to him, “i guess i’d have to say yes.” i tried to focus on calum’s skin on mine and his smell instead of the knotting in my stomach and tears burning my eyes. instead of saying anything else, he squeezed me against his chest, and pressed a kiss to my forehead, leaving his mouth there.  

a/n- hi heres some slight angst. feedback is always appreciated. love u thank u goodbye until part 3

[justalittlebluetiefling]

Chapter 50: Sometimes I Can’t See Myself

Rating: T Fandom: The 100 Pairing: Bellamy x Clarke Chapter: 50/68 Word Count: 2636 Words

Chapter Summary: The one where Clarke makes an unpleasant discovery.

A/N: Okay, damn, this was literally the hardest chapter to write. I’m still not 100% happy with it, but I cut it in half so I could at least get an update in. No cliffhanger, I swear. Anyway, I can’t wait to be done with the next chapter. It shouldn’t take me as long to get the next update out, at least. And then this disastrous portion will be behind us. Sorry for the lack of Bellamy here. He’s all over the next one, I promise.

Also on AO3;  Start from the beginning on AO3

The first day Clarke didn’t hear from Lexa, she wanted to assume she was busy. It was easier to assume that she was busy than to think that she was being ignored.

The second day, she was angry.

The third day, she was a little worried. She was tempted to ask Lincoln if he knew what was going on, but she didn’t want to put him in the middle of things. Instead, she decided to pretend that there wasn’t anything wrong.

On the fourth night, she cried herself to sleep and wondered what could be so wrong with her that someone would just disappear without saying anything.

The fifth day, Monty bought her a mocha with extra whip and caramel drizzle between classes. When he handed it over, he didn’t even tease her about the grotesque amount of sugar in her drink. It was clear that she wasn’t doing a a great job at fooling her friends.

She skipped her classes on day six, because she had slept so poorly the night before.

By the time a week had gone by, Clarke discovered that anger almost functioned as well as caffeine to get her through the day. If she let herself be angry, it gave her a little boost. Not enough to make it through the day, but enough to make a decision. She was done texting, done calling, done moping. She was just angry. Anger is what drove her to Lexa’s apartment to pound on the door until she got an answer.

No one answered, so she sat down on the floor to wait. While she waited, she pulled out her study guide for the MCATs to run over some more questions. The test was in three weeks and Clarke’s current stress levels hadn’t been great for her study schedule. It was a way to pass time until Lexa got home, but time still dragged.

And dragged.

It had been almost an hour when she heard Lexa’s voice coming up the stairs in the form of a hushed argument. Sudden, overwhelming panic made Clarke feel sick to her stomach as Lexa appeared at the top of the stairs, flattened cardboard boxes tucked under her arm. Lexa stopped in her tracks at the sight of Clarke and a startled Lincoln almost slammed into her back.

Clarke took a deep breath and clenched her fists so tight her nails dug into her palms. She barely recognized her own voice through the strain. “We need to talk.”

To her credit, Lexa looked mildly panicked for about thirty seconds. Of course, one of her frustrating qualities was the handle she had on her emotions, but Clarke felt a little victorious that it appeared to take an effort to get them under control. “I was planning on calling you in a couple days to talk.”

Lincoln scoffed, startling Clarke and Lexa both. “Well, she’s here now, so you can fucking talk.” He took the boxes from Lexa and let himself into her apartment. On his way in, he shot Clarke an apologetic look. She wondered how long he had known about whatever was going on. She wondered what they had been arguing about on their walk up the stairs.

The silence stretched painfully after he was gone. Lexa maintained eye contact, but her jaw was set.

Clarke broke first. “What the fuck are the boxes for?”

“I got the opportunity to live in Florence next year. My advisor arranged it so I can finish the year there. I couldn’t turn it down.”

“You couldn’t… couldn’t turn it down?” It was hard not to choke on her words. Any thought of standing to try to be on more even ground vanished half-formed. Clarke was sure she couldn’t stand if she needed to.  “So you decided to what? Pack up and leave without saying goodbye?”

“I told you, I was going to call you in a couple of days.”

“Were you planning on calling while the plane was taxing down the runway? ‘Oh, hey, Clarke. On my way to Rome. Peace?’”

Lexa had the decency to look ashamed, but her tone was still harsh. “Don’t be like that, Clarke.”

“Be like what? Pissed off that my girlfriend is apparently moving halfway around the world without telling me? Of fucking course I’m going to be like this. What did you expect?”

Lexa sighed and sat down on the floor, motioning to the ground next to her. Clarke glared and crossed her arms. No way was she going to sit next to her and let Lexa try to talk her way out of it. It felt like she had a better chance at staying strong if she stood, so she finally forced herself up. When Lexa realized Clarke wasn’t going to move, she sighed again and leaned back.

“How would you have preferred I handle this?”

“You could have called or come over or anything! We could have sat down and talked this out like adults.”

“Should we be sitting to talk this out like adults? Because you’re standing now.”

Clarke rolled her eyes. “Just tell me how long you’ve known about this.”

“I’ve known about the opportunity since before we started dating.”

“Did you apply for it right away?”

“No. I almost missed the deadline, actually. I didn’t want to put the strain on a new relationship.”

“And this isn’t strain on a ‘new’ relationship?!” She used air quotes, because their relationship wasn’t new. Not anymore.

Lexa shrugged. “I decided that I needed to look out for myself. I was being weak by trying to factor you into my decisions this early in the relationship. Especially when you’re not ready to make such a strong commitment.”

Clarke’s jaw dropped. It was impossible to fully absorb what Lexa said. “I don’t… what are you talking about? When did I ever give you the impression that I wasn’t willing to commit to you? You didn’t even give me a chance to fix whatever you think is wrong.”

“I gave you plenty of chances. I told you what I needed to feel secure in our relationship and you blatantly disregarded it multiple times.”

The ‘Bellamy’ of it all hit her like a ton of bricks. “Please tell me you’re not moving to a different continent to punish me because you don’t like my best friend.”

Lexa raised an eyebrow. “I don’t know if I’d word it that way.”

Clarke took a step back into the wall behind her, shocked at how far Lexa was going to try to prove a point. “Well, then how would you word it?”

Lexa stood, walked over to her, and ran her thumb along Clarke’s cheek. She smiled sadly. “I can be second or third or fourth place behind school or work or maybe even family, but I can’t be behind him. It’s not fair to me. It’s not fair to either of you.”

They stood there in silence for a moment as Clarke once again attempted to absorb what was happening. She didn’t know if she should push Lexa’s hand away or try to beg, because both seemed valid to her in the moment. Lexa had never been patient, though.

“I need to keep packing, Clarke. You can stay, but it would probably be better if you go.”

Clarke frowned and took a few steps toward the stairs before turning back. Lexa was still watching her. “We could have tried long distance, you know. I thought you were worth it.”

“It wouldn’t have worked.”

“Why?”

“If you don’t understand now, I hope you do someday.” Lexa went inside her apartment and didn’t look back.

Lincoln 2:32pm Lexa’s moving to Italy.

Octavia 2:33pm EXCUSE ME WHAT?

Lincoln 2:35pm I went to her place today to talk to her and ended up taking her to the store for more boxes. She’s moving to Italy for her first year of grad school.

Octavia 2:37pm Clarke hasn’t mentioned this to me at all What the hell?

Lincoln 2:38pm Pretty sure Clarke didn’t know. When we got back with the boxes, Clarke was sitting outside her apartment. L’s trying to hide the fact that she’s crying while she boxes up her books. I think she just broke up with Clarke.

Octavia 2:41pm Hey, I love you, but maybe fucking lead with that next time.

Lincoln 2:42pm Noted. Tell me how she’s doing when you get home, okay? By the time I got out there, she was already gone.

Octavia 2:43pm I’ll be home in 20 I’ll text you as soon as I can

By the time Octavia got home, Clarke was basically a pile of blankets on the couch. The pile didn’t even move when the door shut, but O could see Clarke’s toes sticking out and what appeared to be an eyehole at the other end.

“You’re being really nice and what I’m about to say is going to make you hate me.”

“Okay, then I’ll just open the box for you.”

Octavia didn’t need to look at the TV to recognize Parks and Rec. She set her bag on the ground and pulled off her jazz shoes before she called across the room. “Why are you starting at season four?” She thought she did a great job at sounding casual.

“I just needed to, okay?” Clarke’s voice was muffled and a little broken.

“Is it okay if I watch with you?”

“If you want. I thought you had practice tonight.”

Octavia was supposed to go to practice, but she hardly ever skipped. This was definitely an emergency and she didn’t want to leave Clarke alone. She walked over to the couch and stood next to Clarke’s head. “I’m not feeling too great,” she lied. “I think I’m going to stay home.”

The blankets shifted, the episode paused, and Clarke poked her head out to study Octavia. Her eyes were red and puffy, but she had stern doctor face on. “Do you have a fever? I can go get you some soup. Do you want Mucinex? Nyquil? Tums?”

“No, no, no.” Octavia climbed onto the couch and hugged Clarke as best as she could through the blankets. “I’m mostly worried you’re not feeling well. You’re usually studying your face off right now, not binging TV. Not that I’m complaining. I want to hang out, just in case.”

“Oh. Well, you don’t need to.”

Octavia rolled her eyes and started searching through the blankets. “Where’s the controller? You really think I’m going to practice when Ben and Leslie are breaking up? You know I can’t see this episode without binging straight through to episode eight. Maybe episode nine.”

Clarke muttered something under her breath about Lincoln, but O didn’t hear enough and just stared at the TV expectantly. The episode eventually started up again and Clarke leaned her head against Octavia’s shoulder.

Octavia 4:45pm do you know why they broke up? clarke has confirmed the event but won’t talk about the circumstances i can’t tell if she’s more mad or sad

Lincoln 4:57pm Is she okay? Lexa isn’t being very forthcoming.

Octavia 5:00pm well the whole thing is fucked up i don’t know if i even care why i mean i do because clarke’s a badass and lexa’s an idiot 5:05pm sorry i mean i do mean that but i know she’s your friend

Lincoln 5:07pm Don’t worry about it. I’m fucking pissed too. Lexa’s been hurt a lot though. I don’t think she was fully over her last breakup.

Octavia 5:09pm Well that’s bullshit why would she start a new relationship? clarke is way better than a rebound

Lincoln 5:15pm I know. This is all my fault. I shouldn’t have introduced them.

Octavia 5:17pm you can’t blame yourself for this blame your bff she’s an adult and knew what she was doing

Lincoln 5:18pm You didn’t answer my question, by the way. Is Clarke okay?

Octavia 5:21pm I don’t really know. we’re watching season 4 parks and rec she’s not crying but she’s staring at the screen and won’t talk anymore

Lincoln 7:14pm I have a theory about the breakup. But you can’t freak out if I tell you.

Octavia 7:16pm You know I can’t promise that.

Lincoln 7:17pm Well at least promise that you won’t jump all over Clarke about it.

Octavia 7:18pm Fuck the things i do for love this is bullshit tell me

Lincoln 7:20pm Okay, so you know they’ve been fighting.

Octavia 7:21pm duh

Lincoln 7:23pm Not helpful. I’m rolling my eyes at you. What was always the main factor in their fights?

Octavia 7:26pm no way no just no that’s the stupidest thing i’ve ever heard

Lincoln 7:29pm You really think it’s that farfetched? Lexa’s pretty insecure. Why would it be weird for her to be jealous of Bellamy?

Octavia 7:31pm okay you know i used to think there was something there i thought it for a long time but clarke started dating lexa and bell started dating gina who is amazing btw i was wrong it’s okay to be wrong sometimes it’s the way odds work despite what you say i am not perfect all the time

Lincoln 7:34pm Stop making me laugh. It’s pissing Lexa off. But you know I used to be jealous of Clarke, right?

Octavia 7:35pm wow okay even through texts you’re the worst liar you two immediately bonded

Lincoln 7:38pm Not true. I liked her, yeah. She was the most welcoming out of everyone. But she’s your best friend. She still knows things about you that I don’t. It’s the same thing. And you’re not the only one who thought something was there. Their friendship has always seemed a little romantic. Raven and Jasper never shut up about it. Especially when he was sleeping over all the time. He was still sleeping there a couple nights a week when she started dating Lexa. He didn’t stop until after she introduced Lexa to everyone. It’s why they never got along. Side note, can you tell them to remove me from the fucking group text?

Octavia 7:45pm still don’t buy it we knew he was still there they weren’t fucking and lexa never knew he was sleeping over, did she? also i asked them to a couple times jasper says no because he wants you to feel included

Lincoln 7:48pm I mentioned it to her once. Way before they met. I don’t know if she ever connected the dots. But she’s not stupid. I’d be surprised if she didn’t. Wait… can’t you remove me from the group? You’re the one who made it.

Octavia 7:50pm i don’t know what you’re talking about at least jasper’s been quieter since they started dating people can’t we call it a victory? and if you don’t know if she knew bell was sleeping over i still don’t buy it there were other reasons for them to break up because i love you i refuse to extrapolate

Lincoln 7:52pm Thanks, I think?

Octavia 9:48pm Wow. I honestly can’t believe Lexa dumped Clarke because she’s jealous of my stupid brother

Lincoln 9:50pm What changed your mind?

Octavia 9:51pm Clarke just told me on her own, I promise i didn’t even ask they’ve literally been fighting about him for three months are you still at her place?

Lincoln 9:54pm I’m getting ready to go home. Why? Want me to call you?

Octavia 9:55pm No. I want you to stab her.

Lincoln 9:55pm You’re terrifying sometimes.

Octavia 9:56pm All the time. And come on. Just a little bit?

Lincoln 9:57pm No stabbing. How do you stab someone just a little bit?

Octavia 9:58pm Ugh, you’re no fun. I just want to defend Clarke’s honor.

Lincoln 9:59pm All over it babe. I promise. WITHOUT STABBING.

[himynameisnotslimshadyao3]

Tony wakes up in the middle of the night with a scream stuck in his throat and sweat dripping down his back like Niagara falls.

For a few moments, as the panic and fear still race through his body, his eyes flit to every corner of his darkened room, searching for the outline of his nightmares.

He realizes he’s safe when Frankie bounds into his lap from the corner she was snoring loudly in and starts lapping at his chin and cheek. He gently pushes her away and runs a hand over his face, wiping sweat and tears out of his eyes.

“Fry what time is it?” He asks, voice hoarse and slightly sore. His arm flops back to the mattress and Frankie makes quick work of gently licking at those too.

“Three thirty two in the a.m. Boss. You’ve still got three more hours of rest to go.”

Tony snorts at the prospect of sleep and turns his attention back to Frankie who is sitting on her hind legs. He quirks an eyebrow at her.

“When was the last time you went bathroom?”

Frankie quirks her head to the right, her ears flopping adorably. He wiggles his fingers at her and her tail starts wagging.

“Need to go outside?”

Immediately she starts pouncing on him and yelping happily, tail on hyper drive.

“Okay, okay! Outside here we go,” He laughs as he gets up from his bed and gently picks her up with him before placing her on the floor. Her steady tiny footsteps follow him as he leaves his bedroom and makes his way past the kitchen and living room to a pair of sliding doors that lead to an enclosed terrace with artificial grass.

“Go forth and pee.”

He opens the doors and watches her slither out, trudging begrudgingly on the fake plantation. Tony shrugs at her.

“It’s either this or we take an elevator ride and I chase you like last time all over the yard because you wouldn’t come inside. This is your area, live it, love it, good.”

He shuts the door and in retaliation she looks him dead in the eye as she squats down to-

“That’s not pee. Okay, you’ll definitely be a while,” Tony mutters to himself. He turns away from the scene, giving Frankie her much needed privacy and decides to make his way to the kitchen.

He could use a drink of water.

He doesn’t bother to flip on the light and grabs a glass and turns the faucet on, fills it up halfway and brings it to his lips before the hairs on the back of his neck stand up and he can feel the other person in the room.

“Sorry,” They say. Tony forces himself to take a small sip, won’t show them weakness. He gently places the cup down and turns.

Barnes.

“Planning on stabbing me in the back or do you leave that for Steve directly?” Tony manages to snark, crosses his arms and laces a superior smile on his face. Bucky smirks back at him from his position, leans down on the island, showcases his new shiny arm.

Tony feels the rage boil in his belly.

“I like the face to face approach personally.”

“Except on back roads when you’re on your motorcycle.”

Bucky bites his cheek and stands up straight, taps his metal fingers against the top of the counter.

“You deserve to be angry.”

Tony uncrosses his arms and flexes his hands into fists.

“No fucking shit, so happy I got your blessing. Jesus Christ, you are exactly like Steve.” Tony throws his hands up in the air and settles them on his hips. He grinds his teeth and feels the shocks of adrenaline in his body, fight or flight instincts kicking in.

“I’m sorry about your parents,” Bucky says evenly, staring straight into Tony’s eyes. Tony goes rigid.

“Yeah, that doesn’t bring them back.”

“They’re dead, nothing is going to bring them back.”

Tony rounds the island with lighting speed and lands a quick hard punch to Barnes’s jaw that whips the super soldier’s head to the side but otherwise leaves no impact.

His chest is heaving in rage and his knuckles are throbbing and he wishes he had his suit on right now to blow this son of a bitch to kingdom come.

“Don’t you dare talk about them,” Tony threatens, invades Barnes’s space. The other man in question is just staring straight back at him, mouth in a tight line.

“Don’t you dare,” The words drip like acid from his tongue.

Tony takes a step back, takes a momentary glance to look at his swollen knuckles and makes his way over to the sink to run them under cold water.

“I deserved that. I deserved all of it, probably should’ve died in Siberia. Would’ve saved a lot of people a lot of heartache,” Bucky murmurs softly.

Tony turns off the faucet, closes his eyes and flexes his hand, the pain was grounding.

“And yet here you are, Bucky fucking Barnes,” Tony mocks, turning around slowly with his arms outstretched. He lets them fall to his sides with a loud slap. Rage buzzes under his skin and he feels the throb in his knuckles intensify.

“What do you want from me? What could you possibly need or have to say? What-” Tony growls out before he’s cut off.

“I am sorry. That’s all I have to give you, that’s it. With every fiber in my being, I am sorry for what I did to your parents,” Bucky fists both hands into his hair and pulls. He closes his eyes and opens them as they fill with liquid to gaze at Tony.

Tony licks his lip as it quivers but keeps his eyes steely and makes sure to look Barnes in the eyes.

“It’s not enough, it’ll never be enough. I look at you and I see them die again, and again, and again. I see you beating my father to death who is begging you, begging you, to spare my mother, but you round the car and strangle my mo,” Tony’s voice cracks and a broken cry escapes him, “my mom. You stole the life from her and I live every waking moment knowing it was your touch my mother felt leaving this world.”

Tony rubs both hands over his face ferociously, his body shaking with unspent grief and rage. Bucky’s hands have fallen from his hair and he is slumped against the refrigerator, eyes closed and shoulders sagging.

“I know it wasn’t you, but, but it was. There is nothing for me to compare you with other than that scene. I don’t know you. I don’t want to,” Tony shakes his head and looks up to the ceiling with his hands on his hips, “And I’m just realizing the fucked up part is that your apology means absolutely nothing coming from you. It, it wasn’t you who killed my parents, it was him. The Winter Soldier. That’s the real injustice of it all. Everything, everyone, is telling me you’re innocent and I’m crazy for being so fucking angry.”

Tony shakes his head again and huffs out a thicket of air.

“No, no, this is mine,” Tony shakes and he points a finger at himself and takes a step towards Barnes who is looking back at him pathetically.

“I get to be angry at you, no one gets to take that away from me. Not you, not Steve, not T'challa, I, I, I need-”

Tony can’t breathe and he falls to the ground, landing on his ass. Bucky immediately rushes over to him, goes to touch his forehead, Tony clambers backwards, hits the cabinets behind him with the back of his head. His heart is pounding.

“Don’t fucking touch me.”

Bucky clenches his jaw but draws his hand back.

“What should I do? Who should I get?”

Rhodes flashes in Tony’s mind but he trashes the idea as just as fast as it comes. Ben? Vision? No he can’t, he can’t inconvenience them anymore.

Wait-

“Get Frankie.”

Bucky furrows his brows and shakes his head in confusion.

“What-”

“Get the fucking dog!” Tony hisses through his gasping breaths. Bucky bolts up and leaves the kitchen, he comes back a moment later with Frankie in his arms. He puts the dog on the floor and she runs over to Tony, crawling into his lap and laving kisses and licking away the sweat falling down his face.

He raises his shaking hands to rub down her sides, feels the slide of her soft fur against his clammy palms. He focuses on how her breathing expands her tiny chest and tries to match it.

After a while she curls into his lap and his breathing is under control and his heart is no longer like a jack hammer. Bucky is sitting across from him on the floor by the island, knees drawn up and his arms resting on each of them. He’s eyeing Frankie and glancing every now and then to assess Tony’s complexion and breathing patterns.

“I saw you have a nightmare once, Rhodes helped you.”

Tony swallows loudly and thinks, Which time exactly? I’ve lost count.

“Yeah.”

Bucky picks at his sleep pants with his human hand at his knee.

“I dream about them all the time. All of them,” Bucky says without looking up.

“Good.”

Bucky laughs softly.

“Yeah, yeah.”

A moment of silence passes between them again, the only noise is Frankie’s loud sigh every once in a while.

“Steve wants me to be this person he knew so long ago and I don’t know how to tell him that he’s dead.”

Tony closes his eyes and leans his head back against the cool metal cabinet behind him. Frankie breathes even in his lap.

“Sounds tough.”

Bucky laughs softly again, looks up and stares at Tony until he opens his eyes and meets them.

“You were handed the shitty end of a short stick and you have every right to be pissed off for as long as you like. If you need to hate me, then do it. I’m tired of everyone walking on eggshells around me and telling me to forget what happened and what I did because it wasn’t me. It haunts me, my past. I can’t let it go, it’d be doing a disservice to everyone I’ve ever hurt and killed.”

Tony takes a long look at Bucky, looks him over critically.

“It’s interesting to finally meet the man who’s worth ten of me.”

Bucky’s forehead creases in frustration and his eyes narrow.

“What?”

“Steve,” Tony says by way of explanation. Bucky’s eyes widen in surprise before he chuckles darkly and leans fully against the island.

“Yeah, well Steve is a fucking idiot every now and then.”

Tony snorts.

“Yeah. Every now and then.” The ice is back in his voice and Bucky shrugs his shoulders.

“Yeah.”

Tony straightens up a little, careful to not disturb Frankie in his lap. He motions between Bucky and himself.

“You know this changes nothing?”

Bucky nods his head slowly, regretfully.

“I understand.”

Tony nods his head and places a hand over Frankie and lets his head fall back against the cabinets again. He hears Bucky get up from the floor and feels him stand there and watch him.

“Goodnight Tony.”

Tony tenses slightly before it drains from his body. He hears Bucky leave and suddenly the floor is the most comfortable thing he’s ever felt.

He dozes off with Frankie in his lap and doesn’t say anything to Vision who finds him in the kitchen two hours later.

Vision eyes him softly before helping him and leading him to sit down by the kitchen table. Frankie happily follows by their ankles and plops down by Tony’s feet.

“You are a godsend,” Tony murmurs sleepily when Vision places a cup of coffee in front of him and smiles.

“Well, Thor did have a part in it.”

Tony smiles into his coffee and takes a sip.

“You’ve got jokes.”

Vision is still smiling when he turns around to get started on breakfast and soon the air gets warm and smells like bacon and eggs. Tony hears the toaster go off.

He gives Tony an extra helping of bacon on his plate. Rhodes and Ben shuffle in a short time later, grab some plates and sit on either side of Tony who is sneaking pieces of his eggs to Frankie who is shuffling under the table pawing at their knees.

“No begging Frankie,” Ben says tapping her nose. She just licks his finger in response.

After a while Tony notices Vision keeps giving him long glances between his cooking and cleaning the counter.

When breakfast is finished, he passes by Tony and places a warm red hand in his hair and ruffles it. Ben and Rhodes stare at the display with tired and surprised faces.

Tony gives Vision a questioning glance but it has no effect as the AI bends over and gathers Frankie in his arms.

“Good dog,” He says and carts her away out of the kitchen.

Ben scratches at the teeny tiny stubble on his cheeks. He looks at the kitchen doorway before turning back to Rhodes and Tony.

“So, how was everyone’s night?”

Tony takes another sip of his coffee and tunes out Rhodes dramatic retelling of his dream involving a flamingo. Tony closes his eyes and remembers,

“You know this changes nothing?”

“I understand.”

-an excerpt from my story ‘My Name Was Not Friend’ on Ao3, chapter 6

[serpent-bearer]

burning flesh

7. 

She had gotten up unnaturally early the next morning. But what was unnatural for her was certainly the opposite for a professor whose life did not revolve around the dead of night.

Aurora stumbled into her living room still dressed in her nightgown and rubbing her eyes, her already unmanageable hair sticking up at various angles.

“What a sight,” came a derisive voice from her tiny kitchen area. “Professor Sinistra up before midday, and on a weekend. Did the bed catch alight in there?”

Aurora shot Severus a rude gesture before collapsing in a heap upon her couch.

“Found your trousers then?” she wisecracked.

“No thanks to you.”

“I’m up because I have to see Aion; definitely not because I want to spend more time with you – rest assured.”

Severus was leaning against the sink, fully robed and looking far more ready to tackle the morning. He swirled a steaming mug of coffee in his hand.

“Ah, the proverbial gallant, intrepid brother,” he nodded. “You wouldn’t mind if I skipped the tearful goodbyes, would you? I am not fond of my nose but I still prefer it in one piece.”

“I don’t use the word ‘goodbye’ anymore.”

Severus made a small noise of cynical disappointment as he took a long sip.

“That is a shame. You’ll give him my most affectionate regards I’m sure,” he said, and motioned to the kettle; Sinistra nodded and he began to busy himself with another mug and crushed coffee beans.

“What are your plans today?” Aurora queried after a while, not sure she wanted to hear the answer or not. Often, she much preferred his usual retort of ‘secret business, I’m afraid’… it planted less horrific images in her mind if she could make it up herself.

He waited for the kettle’s noises to die down before answering, he added it to the mug with just as much precision and meticulousness as he would with one of his potions.

“Meeting Lucius Malfoy this morning,” he explained with his back to her. Aurora let out an inner sigh of relief… that wouldn’t be so horrific, surely.

“And will you be showing your face here this evening?”

Severus paused ever so slightly in the middle of one his steps to the milk.

“… I would say not, no.”

“Is there any point in my asking why?” she asked, her head unconsciously dropping. “Or can I just pretend you’re attending weekly pottery lessons again?”

She felt the small bit of couch left next to her shrink slightly, and she lifted her head to see his face, contorted with what looked like a cross between concern and bemusement, above her. She sat herself up as he handed her her own mug, drawing in the scents of the Robusta - the scents of home.

“It might be best if you went with the pottery imageries,” Severus said, pinching the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger, shifting uncomfortably.

Aurora clenched her eyes shut as she drank from the rim of her mug – the dominant notes of the espresso hit her tongue immediately. She reveled in it. He knew exactly how make her kind of coffee… never much milk, a touch of water, no sugar, and as much caffeine as humanly possible. Images of masks, and flames, and Cruciatus curses shot through her head. The sounds of his screaming had returned and not even her Occlumency could keep them all at bay. She felt one of his thumbs sweep the side of her face delicately.

“Don’t…” Severus whispered. “It is not worth your dwelling.”

“Not worth my dwelling,” Aurora replied bitterly. “You’re such a fucking idiot.”  

She rolled her eyes as she felt his thin lips, warmed from the morning wake-me-up, brush against her neck.

“You can lick me all you want but I am not putting this coffee down,” Sinistra protested hotly. “You’re not the only one with a lot of shit on their plate today.”

And so, about half an hour after Severus, Aurora appeared from her quarters – fully dressed in black robes and emerald cloak today. Two times in a twenty-four-hour period, she thought as she swept her wand over the locks. He must be in trouble tonight…

Giving her customary visual sweep up and down the corridor for any student or faculty member, she sighed, pocketed the wand in her thigh pocket and marched toward the Great Hall using her left hand as a shield over her eyes - the unfamiliar glare of the morning sunlight made her entire face ache.

~*~

British food was unbearably stodgy. Aion Sinistra pushed away the quarter-eaten plate of bacon, eggs and a couple of what he presumed were sausages. He had been here only one night and he missed the Ugandan cuisine… his morning matoke (a meal consisting of nothing but mashed plantains – and that was all he needed) and proper coffee, not this Scottish piss water.

The students were obviously used to unfamiliar faces at this stage. Aurors patrolled the boundaries of the school, after all, and presumably took a lot of their meals here. Not one of the teenagers was shooting him a questioning stare. Maybe he was not so different to the Aurors after all, Aion thought with a grimace, he was on Order business after all.

He was still in mid-thought when he felt someone drop, plonk, right into the seat next to him, making him almost jump right out of his seat.

“Great Creator, balimamuso! Still sneaking up on people, I see!” Aion spluttered in their Bambara tongue.

“Hiding from two much older brothers my whole childhood has cursed me with that ability,” his sister smirked, replying in the same language. She looked far more at home here than he; almost lounging on the chair beside like some unperturbed, cool feline. One of what assumed was one of the professors, a witch very similar in age to Aurora, crossed the High Table above them and momentarily squeezed one of his sister’s shoulders before moving on to her own place.

“That’s Lho – Professor Lhoridi – Ancient Runes,” Aurora explained casually as a plate of the same stodgy, turgid cuisine appeared on the table before her.

“Right,” Aion mused, his gaze following the hem of the Ancient Runes professor’s black robes as she settled herself down in the very corner of the High Table. “They must all be like family, considering how long you live here every year.”

“I enjoy some more than others…” Aurora muttered darkly, scraping her fork meditatively across one side of the greasy bacon. “The Divination “professor” -” (she made highly sarcastic quotation mark gestures mid-air) “ – is someone I wouldn’t mind hurling off my tower, for example. But Lho and I have been the best of friends for years. It was difficult to find someone like… like me… when I first started teaching.”

“British wizards,” Aion shrugged. “Very set in their ways. Think all magic is best served when it is highly controlled and regulated.”

“Exactly.”

She ate in silence for a while and Aion went back to his thoughts. He wondered how Naki was getting on back at Uagadou, whether they had found any more evidence of the Death Eaters advancing their borders… thoughts of Death Eaters quickly transformed into thoughts of one particular Death Eater, and his mood suddenly darkened. How could his sister even fathom having… relations… with that man? She had never held a particularly clean track record when it came to her romantic involvement with wizards, and it seemed her judgement was being clouded darker and darker as the years went on.

What could she possibly see in this – this Severus Snape? A man whose sole job it was to lie and be clouded in deceptive mystery? How did it not even remotely concern her?!

“I told you to drop it, balima,” Aurora suddenly piped up, her tone much darker, and once again he had jumped out of his skin. He felt suddenly torn between wanting to verbalise what he had just been thinking, or to chastise her for apprehending that he had been thinking it in the first place.

He plumped for the latter.

“I know you’re a super fancy Legilimens and all, Rora,” he snapped. “But you know how much I hate you reading my mind, so stop it!”

“I can’t ‘read your mind’, Aion, Legilimency isn’t about ‘reading minds’…” Aurora corrected infuriatingly coolly. “I sense vague thoughts. You’re angry. I felt it. And I don’t need any form of cerebral magic to understand why you are still angry with me.”

“I’m not angry with you.”

“You are angry that you can’t make my decisions for me anymore; that is just as bad!”

“Well, sorry for not jumping about in celebration of your consorting with Death Eaters!”

“Shut-up, Aion” Aurora spat so viciously under her breath that several of her colleagues were now looking up at them from their breakfasts. The only one who appeared entirely unperturbed was the Ancient Runes professor she had previously introduced to him.

After shooting an adequate amount of death stares toward her fellow, rightfully intrigued teachers, his sister took a momentous deep breath and surreptitiously brushed down her cloak.

“You haven’t seen me, talked to me, for more than a year…” she casually reminded him. “Don’t come back here presuming you know anything about my personal life.”

“He knows a little bit too much about your personal life!”

“He is my personal life! They’re not separate entities!”

“Well they should be. What steadfast reason do you have to trust anything he says to you?”

“There are no steadfast reasons.”

“Then why – why -”

“Because that is what you do when you love someone! And I am done with this avenue of conversation with you for the next thirty years! Can I help you with something, Filius?!”

There was a clambering of metal plates and cutlery as the wizard propped up on several cushions a few spaces away from them hastily attempted to return staring into his porridge. Aurora continued to stare him down, her chest rising and falling as if it were about to explode out of her, until he was well over halfway through his meal.

It was almost comical. Almost reminded Aion of the childhood quarrels they had throughout their very short childhood. After a few more minutes of silence, he thought he’d better begin to clear the air with her… assure her that he was finished with aggravating her any further… but they were swiftly interrupted by the very same elder witch he had seen last night coming through the side door to the hall.

“Oh, Aurora, I’m glad to see you” the witch he knew as McGonagall said, she sighed heartily. “Sorry for interrupting your breakfast, but I need to see you in my office straightaway. You too, Mr. Sinistra.”

And so they had made their way silently back to her office, McGonagall just a few steps ahead of the other two. The chilliness between brother and sister had certainly not yet diminished, but it had certainly lessened amongst the curiously of what was awaiting them both in the Transfiguration office.

“Come in,” she motioned as they got to the door. Aion stepped in and immediately noticed the similarities between this office and his sisters. Complex patterns and diagrams spread themselves all over the walls and it was dimly lit with low-hanging lamps… only McGonagall’s paperwork was extreme neat and orderly, compared to balimamuso’s bombsite all over her desk and her floors.

“This arrived today,” McGonagall explained immediately as she walked behind her own desk, where she held up the only piece of parchment laying there and handed it to Aurora. The envelop lay abandoned next to it.

“I daresay the Headmaster was intrigued by the disturbance you happened upon,” McGonagall said to Aion as Aurora’s eyes continued to skit across the one page letter. “I received this owl from him this very morning.”

“What did he say?” Aion asked, eyes still fixed concernedly upon his sister though querying to no-one in particular.

McGonagall opened her mouth to answer, but Aurora got there first.

“He wants you to go back to Uganda immediately,” she said softly, her eyes no longer moving across the page but he got the inkling that she was trying desperately to avoid his eyes.

Aion shrugged. “Fine by me. Was on the verge of freezing to death here, anyway.”

Aurora looked up, but it was McGonagall she had looked toward – in an almost pleading fashion… reaching out for some advice from the older witch.

“Dumbledore wants me to go as well,” she half stated, half asked the witch.

“What?” Aion demanded suddenly. “Why? There’s no - ”

“There was not much that could be explained on paper,” McGonagall told them both as gently as she could. “But he seems to believe that you would be of more assistance to your brother than you would be at the school. Only until this masked intruder business is sorted out.”

“Dumbledore just wants her to leave?” Aion snapped. “Give up her job for goodness knows how many months, just to go gallivanting around the forests surrounding Uagadou? How - ”

Preposterous was what he was going to say, but the unnerving smirk on his sister’s face alarmed him so much that he was at a loss.

“It’s fine,” she said calmly, and crushed the parchment swiftly between her hands and tossed into McGonagall’s crackling fireplace. “If it’s Dumbledore’s wish to get me out of the castle -”

“I don’t think that was the Headmaster’s – he does intend on your coming back, I’m sure - ”

Aurora waved McGonagall’s protests away.

“It really is fine,” she assured the both of them. “It’d be nice to get out of this big stone freezer for once in my lifetime. Besides, I am well overdue for a trip back home and if you even think of coming out with something along the lines of ‘what on earth can SHE contribute to the war?’ I will smack that dubious expression right off your face.”

Aion’s flustered expression dropped submissively when faced with the forceful tip of Aurora’s finger between his eyes.

“Come on, I wasn’t going to say – you know I don’t – anyway, Naki is probably expecting me, I’ll see you there soon balimamuso.”

He gave his sister a swift, remorseful kiss on the cheek as she, almost subconsciously, pressed her wand to the Adinkra sigil burned into her sternum. Her brows furrowed and her expression cringed as the eye began to glow a vivid, brilliant deep blue.

“The pathway’s open,” she said through clenched teeth. “I’ll get some of my things and meet you at Uagadou in an hour.”

As soon as their eyes locked upon one another, the same thought appeared to have struck them. Aurora looked down at the swirling, cobalt universe on her chest and said:

“The portal…”

“Yes,” McGonagall said, nodding as if she had been expecting this query all along. “It will be watched in your absence.”

“Gisemba and I are the only ones with the sigils. No one else will know if they are infiltrated...”

“I’m sure Headmistress Gisemba will be keeping a tight watch upon the Uagadou door.”

“And who is keeping tight watch upon the Hogwarts door, Minerva?” Aurora retorted immediately. “Is Dumbledore going to be pacing about my office every evening? Fretting every moment, every second, that international war has broken out on the other end? Is he willing to burn anything into his skin to protect those he loves?”

The fierce gazes between the two immovable witches almost made Aion cringe with discomfort. He coughed underneath his breath.

“I’ll… be heading to your office then…” he quietly informed his sister as he very keenly bowed himself out of the room. Neither of them showed him even the slightest amount of acknowledgement.

[travisolearyisback]

Whenever I hear this song I think about you.  I still think Blink 182 was describing us, even though this song predates you and I.  

I hope that you’re in a better place in your head.  I always worry whenever you don’t post anything or I don’t hear from you.

It was never my intention to complicate your life further.  I just wanted to be your safe space.  Someone that you could always turn to when things get bad.  It was when you decided to give up on love that I had to speak up and reveal my true feelings.  I couldn’t let you turn into something that you’ll regret, because I know that you have so much love to give.  When you love, you love with everything that you have.  I admire that.  I need that.  I need you!

I wanted to tell you this in person and not here on the internet, but you need to understand a few things about me.  I suffered from a physically and emotionally abusive father.  When I was 5, my father was going to beat my mother again.  I knew this time was really bad though and I decided that I had to do everything in my power to stop him.  I grabbed him by the back of his belt as he drug me across the living room and into the kitchen chasing after my mother.  He had her bent over backwards on the counter.  I was yelling at him and punching him so that he would turn his attention to me instead.  When that didn’t work, I got a chair from the table and jumped on his back.  Finally, that worked.  He grabbed me and threw me across the room and into a wall.  I got knocked out cold, but my mother lived.  That was the day that my mother decided to divorce my father.  When I was in the third grade I was visiting him.  I don’t remember what I did to upset him, but he tried to strangle me to death.  Right before I was about to pass out, I hit him with a left punch to his liver.  He was drunk at the time and instantly crumbled to the ground, cussing me to death as he did so.  These are just two of the many times when I thought that he was going to kill me.  His internal anger was already bad, but his alcoholism fueled that hate even further.  That’s why I don’t drink and why I’m so kind to others.  I never want to be like him.  Sadly, his brother and cousin that was raised with him were exactly like him.  They all learned that from my grandfather.  I had to break the cycle.  I’m proud to say that I have.

Another thing that affected my life greatly was that I was raped from the time that I was 3 to 4.  I didn’t think anything of it at the time.  It was by my babysitter’s daughter and her friends.  A man being raped by a woman isn’t a bad thing right?  I didn’t think so, but it led me to believe that that was how people were supposed to behave.  Needless to say, I was sexually active at a very early age after this happened.  I dated a lot of older girls when I was in elementary school, as well as those my age.  I didn’t think it was a big deal because I couldn’t get anyone pregnant.  Well, at 14 (8th grade) I was about to have sex with someone that I trusted and had known for years.  Right before penetration she told me that she loved me.  She wanted me to say it back, but I don’t like to lie.  I told her that I liked her a lot, but that I didn’t love her because we were too young for true love.  Needless to say, she was very upset.  She got up, put on her clothes and left my house.  We never had sex or did anything that she didn’t want to do.  I got a call from one of my best friends a couple of hours later saying that she came by his house and they had sex.  I was cool with that.  He and I went back and forth with her for years before this.  A month or two later my dad came and took me out of school.  I had no idea why.  He drove me to the police station where I learned that she said that I raped her.  I was caught completely by surprise because I would never do anything like that.  My mother had told me before this happened that she was raped as a teenager and her bestfriend was raped and murdered as a teenager as well.  I will never hurt someone like that.  I trusted this girl and because I wouldn’t lie to her and tell her that I loved her, she wanted me to be thrown in jail.  That would have ruined my life as I would have missed out on High School and College, not to mention the reputation that I would have received.  Everyone who knew me and knew her knew that she was lying though.  She was even ran out of her own school by her classmates.  I felt bad for her, but I still had to fight for the next year and a half to clear my name.  Needless to say, I was found innocent of rape.  But, what she did kept me from trusting those with whom I got into a loving relationship.  I spent the next 8 years breaking up with the women who I began to love.  I couldn’t get too close to anyone without fearing a repeat of the past.  I finally decided that I wasn’t going to date anymore or even have meaningless sex for that matter.  I went 15 years without sex.  It wasn’t until last year that I began to change.  That’s when I met the girl that thawed my frozen heart.  As you know, that wasn’t meant to work out.  She needed to experience life before being able to give me what I need.  I’m cool with that.  I’ll always be thankful to her.  She’s what led me to you.  I wanted to learn more about how someone her age thinks and what you like.  I had isolated myself for so long that I was completely out of the loop on everything.  Slowly, I began to realize how much we have in common and what a wonderful person you are.  I haven’t connected with someone like that in a long time.  I didn’t want to tell you though because you were already dealing with so much.  A broken heart, personal issues that I won’t divulge here and so much more.  It was never my intention to take advantage of your situation.  I really did just want to be your friend.  I make no apologies for telling you my real feelings though.  I would have always wondered what if, had I not.

All of this leads me to my concern, your sexual needs.  When you want to be choked, spanked until you bruise or bleed, collars with chains, rope torture, etc...  I never want you to experience pain.  All I want to do is to love you.  To make you feel pleasure, happiness and bliss.  I associate all of those things that you want with pain and unhappiness.  I don’t understand your desire for stuff like that.  I don’t judge though.  I just need time for you to explain to me why you want it and time to trust you enough to know that events from my past won’t be repeated.  I grew up in a really rough school.  There were fights everyday.  You had to fight to survive.  That’s where I learned that I had a switch inside me.  I’m really cool and calm until that switch is activated.  Then, I go ballistic.  It still scares me to let that part of me out.  I learned to control it, but I know that it’s still there.  It’s the part of my father and grandfather that was given to me at birth.  I hate it with a passion, but it’s my survival instinct.  I’m afraid that I don’t know how to go halfway and not do harm.  I never want to harm you.  That’s why I don’t want to give you what you want sexually.  It will take time if that’s what you need though.  You’ll have to be patient with me and teach me what to do and what not to do.

I wanted to be a doctor and I took the pledge to be a doctor seriously.  “To do no harm to anyone.”  It wasn’t until 9/11 that I wanted to kill someone.  That’s when I changed my focus from medicine to the military.  I realized that I couldn’t be a doctor when I wanted to harm others.  I bought into the bullshit that our government was selling us at that time.  I’ve come to see that all they do is lie to control us though.  I’m so glad that I got hurt during my training and that my back issues kept me from serving.  Otherwise, I would be a killer.  I don’t think my conscious could handle killing innocent people.  I have many friends that did just that and they are still suffering to this day.  I’ve been lost ever since.  At first I was pissed off.  Mad that I had been lied to.  Mad that I had fucked off my education.  Mad that I was permanently injured.  Soon, I became mad at the world.  I spent my time bouncing from job to job so that I could get enough money to start my own business.  Working 18-24 hour days.  It didn’t leave me time for a social life.  Then, my father got sick with lung cancer from all of his years of cigarette smoking.  It spread to his liver and his brain.  That’s when I quit working to take care of him full time.  Being the only child, I was the only one who could take care of him.  He didn’t want to go into a nursing home and I honored his wish.  It was ironic though.  The man who tried to kill me on multiple occasions now needed me.  Once his anger was gone, we actually got close.  I hate to say this, but I’m glad that he got cancer.  We never would have got a chance to reconcile if that hadn’t happened.  The greatest thing that I learned while taking care of him was that I had wasted a huge part of my life chasing after menial things.  I was missing what I needed most...Love and a family.  That’s the most important thing in life.  He’s almost been dead for a year now, so you know that I’m not rushing into anything.  My move to Denver has pressed me to acknowledge my feelings for you as well though.  I don’t want to leave without fully expressing myself first.  I don’t want to leave without you.  I can’t tell you how to feel.  Only you can do that.  If it’s not me that you choose, I’ll be okay with that.  Sure, I’ll be sad, but I want what’s best for you.  If that’s not me, I want you to find someone that will always love you and Lillie and someone who will treat you both right for the rest of your life.  I don’t want to see you make the same mistakes that I’ve made.  I don’t want you to waste your life chasing after things that don’t matter.  And, I definitely don’t want to see you let your heart turn to stone.  Your soul is too special for that.  Please don’t ever let your past or your internal issue make you think that you’re not worth the best.  You are wonderful.  You are special.  You are worth everything.

“I Miss You” & I Love You

3:25 am (5/31/2017)  -  It took me 3 hours to get all of this out.

[ecotone99]

[HM] Another Man’s Jeans

‘Fuckin’ bastard!’ screamed Anto. Today just wasn’t his day, and the last 730 hadn’t been either.

‘Wassa matter with ye?’ hollered Anto’s Da, Fergal, ‘Quit that fuckin’ bellowin’ or I’ll come up there an’ give ye somethin’ te yell about!’

‘Fuckin’ aul bastard, fuckin’ sittin’ there in his fuckin’ chair thinkin’ he’s got it all fuckin’ figured out, the big fat ballix.’

Anto’d been filling in his CV, and was just done tweaking his meagre GCSE results into more promising grades when the laptop crashed, along with a whole morning’s worth of effort.

Ever since his arrest for drunk driving things had gone steadily from bad to worse. He’d been nicked one night picking his girlfriend up from the local bar where she was having a girl’s night out. It’d been him and Big Crick, and he’d only sat down to three beer when the phone had gone. Caoimhe’d fallen out with her mates, they’d gotten into it over Niamh’s new boyfriend and Caoimhe had called him a drug dealer, which the fucker was, but that’d not stopped Niamh from trying to empty a bottle of Gallo’s white all over her head.

Anto’d long harboured the suspicion it was those two having at it what alerted the PSNI as they’d pulled him over barely a mile down the road.

That’d led to rows, Caoimhe had accused him of putting her in danger, and Anto had argued that she was responsible, as she was meant to get a taxi, but after the fight insisted he come instead.

‘Sure wasn’t ‘at not me night off? Can’t a man sit down an’ have a wee swall wey his mate and be left in peace?!’

He’d lost that row, and worse rows followed after he lost his job, being unable to drive to work. He got banned for a year and ordered to go to a therapist to discuss his relationship with alcohol, plus do 200 hours community service.

The community service was rough, he’d be sent over to East Belfast to scrub the racist graffiti off the walls of a house of a black family which had been targeted by the local paramilitaries.

Anto avoided the East at all costs. Apart from seeing his mate Marty in Short Strand the place was a no go for a fella called ‘Anthony Patrick Joseph O’Hara’.

He’d taken to drinking more, especially before the community work where he brought a half bottle of vodka and kept it in his back pocket. Sure, he reckoned, if yer gonna get death threats for having to scrub off other racist death threats, you may as well do it absolutely rotten.

The therapy appointments were worse yet. He’d have to sit there and get grilled on his drinking, which he knew had increased, but had only done so in response to the situation in which he now found himself.

‘Have ye ever told someone yer not an alky?’ He’d screamed at Caoimhe one night after they’d argued over his loss of income, ‘Well, the more ye fuckin’ try te tell ‘em yer not one, the more ye fuckin’ sound like one!’

Soon after they lost the flat, Anto’d been unable to pay his half of the rent, and the social wouldn’t cover it. Caoimhe’d moved back in with her Ma and they’d stopped speaking. They broke up soon after. Anto found he couldn’t look at her anymore, and the drink was turning him nastier than a dose of watery shite.

He was forced to move back into his old room with his Ma, Da, brother and two sisters. There was no room in the house, and the room he shared with his 19 year old brother Michael was barely fit for a child, let alone two grown men.

His drinking continued unabated, and the drugs too. He’d not touched them for years, but there was no reason now not to bang in a load of coke and gobble up a few tabs. Plus, Feeney Rubberlips from down the street had some good gear on offer, and he’d sort ye out on tick too.

Anto had existed in this state for last year and a half, he’d continued trying to seek work, but each rejection justified another trip to the offie, and put him in the mind for a fat line.

However, on the jobsite he’d noticed a job he was definitely qualified for, it was even better than the one he’d lost. More pay, more benefits and what’s more, it was in walking distance from his house. The sort of thing that could get him back on his feet, maybe get Caoimhe back, and definitely lead him to getting out his Ma’s house and away from getting his head melted to fuck every single night.

‘Awh fuck Da, am on applyin’ for this here job an’ the laptop’s shat itself. Fucker wiped me applications n’all.’

‘Well why the good fuck are ye fuckin’ yelpin’ ta me ‘bout it, ye born in a barn?Jesus Christ wee lad shut yer fuckin’ hole! An’ here, yer Ma wants ye down the laundrette to pick up the washin’. It’s down Lonergan’s, all paid for, the washer’s onna fritz again.’

‘Fuck sake’ muttered Anto, getting his coat and heading out the door. ‘Ma better have stuck my fuckin’ jeans in there. Paid good money for them n’all afore Michael went an’ spilt his whole fuckin’ dinner on me, fuck sake.’

He arrived, got the clothes and headed straight back home to finish the CV, he looked and his jeans and shirts were there too. ‘Thank fuck for somethin’ today’ he thought, as sat back down again and flicked open the laptop.

Halfway through the CV and application form he got bored, and noticed his jeans were still warm from the press. He swiftly got changed into them, his legs embracing the heat. The fit felt a little off, but he thought sure they always do, always a wee bit tighter after a good wash.

Anto breezed through the form, and re-wrote his CV, remembering courses he’d been on that were applicable and training certificates he had but had forgotten he’d earned.

All in all, the application seemed to look good he thought, he even felt bothered enough to write a cover letter telling them just how he was the man for the job.

A ‘Digital Marketing Executive’, he could see it now. The past two years would be a memory. Hell, he’d even tell them about the conviction if it came up and point out how his therapy had cured him. He’d be able to spin it around, they’d maybe even think it was funny. Anto the full-time mad bastard. Anto the Pintman, nicked for only three beer. After all he thought, why let the truth get in the way of a good story!

Crick rang him up that evening, he said he’d found a hundred notes in a baggy on the ground down Cupar street. ‘Mon me n’ you’ll getta wee swall on, out for a rake of pints and we’ll hit up Rubberlips for summa ‘at good stuff. None of that cut shite.’ ‘Fuckin’ right!’ answered Anto, he’d have a good one tonight. After all, how often is it ye find notes lying about round the West? And no doubt no fucker’s gonna be raising a stink either as it was likely dodgy in the first place.

After changing shirts, and brushing his nuggets, Anto met Crick at 8pm down McEnaney’s opposite the cemetery, and the lads swiftly proceeded to commence wineing and bineing as the culchies are so aft of saying.

Soon they were joined by Marty, Wee Steeker and Bonzo who’d sourced the gear and brought a bag of workerman’s glue for desert amongst the tombstones.

When Anto awoke the next morning, fully clothed, he found he still had a full memory of the previous night, plus £20 unspent. He’d gotten a girl’s number last night, and he could remember getting with her before she left. What made it even better was that he still felt pissed, so he didn’t even have a hangover to deal with yet.

On checking his phone to see if the number had all the digits he saw he’d been called five times that morning by a number he didn’t recognise. It wasn’t the girl’s either as he’d saved hers under ‘Fuckin’ Ride’.

He phoned the number and a woman answered. ‘Hello, this is Anthony O’Hara, I’ve got a number of missed calls from you and I was just ringing up to see why.’

‘Oh! Mr. O’Hara, so glad you rang us back! We’ve be trying all morning! My name’s Sarah Waters, we’re ringing you back about your application yesterday. We think you’d be a great candidate and we’re actually having online interviews this morning if you’re still keen on the position?’

‘Umm oh, aye, woah, I wasn’t expecting that, I’ve slept in a wee bit this morning, it was a friend’s birthday last night, em, what time are the interviews at?’

‘We can fit you in in about an hour if that suits, we’re sorry about the short notice, but we really are very eager to get this position filled as soon as we can!’

‘Aye, sure, no bother that’s grand. I’ll send you my Skype now, and we can speak in an hour! Thanks again, I wasn’t expecting this, it’s really appreciated!’

‘No problem at all, we’ll contact you in an hour Anthony, and good luck!’

Hanging up the phone Anto felt strangely calm. In the past he’d be shitin’ bricks and peeling the scalp off himself with anxiety, but for some reason, today he just felt as confident as ever, and he knew what he needed to do.

The old laptop took 20 minutes to load up, but everything else got up and running without a hitch. Anto went to the bathroom, pissed, brushed his teeth, threw some water on his face and decided against a shower. He opted instead to reapply some wax to his hair, and put in some eyedrops, as his eyes were as red as strawberries.

With ten minutes to go he put on a new shirt, but left the jeans, after all, he’d be sitting down. He could even talk to them with his knob hanging out the fly, but he decided against that.

Then the call came, he answered every question, made good natured jokes, and asked more questions back. He explained the gap in his employment, he’d been caring for his Granny (dead 10 years) and he’d been helping his mate out in his landscape gardening business on the side (selling some of Crick’s homegrown weed to teenagers).

When the call ended he felt great, positive for the first time in years. Everything he’d gone through could now be put right. All his education (first one in the family at University for Digital Media) would finally be put to use, and his bad luck would finally come to an end.

Anto decided on a long, hot shower before he went downstairs to tell his Ma n’ Da. They’d be glad to hear it, and it’d get them off his back for the day too.

Fighting for the bathroom was always a constant in the O’Hara house, but as he walked onto the landing it was free, and even better, it didn’t stink of his Da’s arse!

‘I left the immersion on so there’s plenty of hot water there son’ shouted Anto’s Ma. ‘Fuckin’ A’ thought Anto, ‘This day’s goin’ grand!’

However, upon getting undressed and emptying the pockets of his jeans Anto found something he didn’t recognise. A faded and wrinkled receipt for a hammer and some nails from Brannigan’s Hardware. ‘The fuck?’ said Anto, as he looked at the label of the jeans and found they said ‘C. N. Toner’. ‘Huh? What the fuck, these here aren’t my fuckin’ jeans!’ ‘FUCKIN’ BASTARDS!! The cunts have gone an’ fuckin’ gimme some o’r cunt’s jeans. Who the fuck’s Toner, n’ why’s the cunt still labelling his fuckin’ jeans like a fuckin’ child?’

Anto’d spent good money on his jeans, they were his favourite pair and now he began to realise why they felt a bit tighter. He had no idea how he hadn’t clocked it until now, they were even a different shade of denim.

This sort of thing always pissed Anto off no end, as a child he’d lost it when his Ma had lost his favourite Celtic top and then tried to replace it with the newer version. It had lost everything he’d loved about it, the old 1993-94 away design, the fit, the smell, the feel.

He felt his hangover coming on with a vengeance. ‘What da fuck’ve I been playin’ at? What’d I say to thoseuns for the job?’ He couldn’t remember, it was all a blur. He’d probably been rambling, off his nut, he’d fucked it now, he’d made a fool of himself.

Anto began to feel very strange, his skin felt clammy, even as he was under the hot water, he didn’t feel clean, everytime he closed his eyes he kept imagining he’d lost his hands and instead they just ended in conical points. He’d overdone it this time, he was going to die. He tried switching to cold but images just flooded his head of when he was in Donegal as a child and his Da had scared him shitless with tales of the Kelpie, and then afterwards pushed him into a pool of water in the bog. He could see the mad water horse now and he stumbled and fell out’ve the shower gasping for air.

He dressed quickly, in his own clothes now, and headed downstairs. His sister’s were watching Love Island and the inane Essex accents were making him nauseous. ‘How could any cunt sound like ‘at?’ He screamed at them, as he went back to his room to lie down.

His brother was in the room, playing his music, shite homemade techno that he thought sounded sweet, but Anto just didn’t have it in him to say was shite.

He lay down, got under the covers, put his head under the pillow and lay there until he fell into a sweaty and fitful sleep.

He dreamed off everything the previous day, dreamed of Caoimhe, and the other girl he’d got with, dreamed of Big Crick and the feed of pints. Dreamed of that cunt Toner and how he’d had such a good day and night in another fella’s jeans. He woke up to his phone ringing and felt sick.

‘Hello, is this Anthony?’

‘Yeah it is, who’s speaking?’

‘Hi Anthony, this is Sarah again, Sarah Waters, I just wanted to let you know that we were absolutely delighted with your interview and we’d like to offer you the position. When would you like to start?’

‘Awh, I’m sorry, I cant...’

‘Anthony?’

‘Look, I cant, I’m not interested. Alright? It was all a fuckin’ lie, now fuck off.’

‘Excuse me, is this you Anthony? I’m very confused!’

‘Well this here won’t be confusin’ ye, get te fuck, and shut yer fat fuckin’ hole or I’ll come round there and bate the ballix out the lotta yiz, YIZ FUCKIN’ CUNTS!’

He hung up, turned his phone off and rolled over to go back to sleep.

There was no way he’d’ve been able to accept that job. Not after the circumstances. It was all fake, it was all wrong.

Another man’s dreams, in another man’s jeans

submitted by /u/ConnollyWasAPintMan [link] [comments] via Blogger https://ift.tt/39s2VL2

[seven-oomen]

So today’s moments of random thoughts (and attempts at including links) are brought to you by the fact that today they replaced the back office computer at work that controls the store’s music, so it was uncomfortably silent for several hours, meaning that my brain suddenly had to provide the soundtrack again, and that’s always a total craps shoot.  Will it be 48 hours straight of “Toss A Coin To Your Witcher”?  Will it be some surreal all day medley of AC/DC, Rihanna, and the South Park version of “Pokerface”?  Will it be a non-stop Disney sing-a-long?  Who knows?  Everyday is an adventure with an ADD brain jukebox. 

One of today’s tracks of choice was “Little Red Riding Hood” by Sam the Sham and the Pharaohs, a favorite since long before I was old enough to understand the implications or subtext.  And since you enjoyed the last terrible porn scenario so much, why not throw out another classic?  Because there is NO WAY they haven’t done this one.  Like.  Just no way.  Oh no, will the brave and daring young hunter woodsman manage to subdue the wily Alpha wolf, or will poor innocent Omega Riding Hood be devoured by the lustful lupine?  (I think the only correct answer here is yes to both.)  And because part of me wondered if such a thing even existed (I just had to know if I could bring in the plaid), I searched Google and found this (for a more casual approach) or this (for if they’re feeling fancy) for Noah, preferably paired with some tall black combat boots, perhaps (also, just saying, both would be a great option for a chase night).  For “Grandma”, I was thinking something along these lines (theoretically demure, yet also highlighting the collar bones, especially if unbuttoned slightly and allowed to slide off one shoulder.  Perhaps in the blue to bring out his eyes. XD ) because it comes across innocent in all the ways Peter would very much not be at that point.  All Chris would really need is his tightest jeans, deepest v’d henley, and maybe a nice denim or suede trucker jacket.  (Have I spent WAY too much time thinking about this?  Probably, but in my defense it kept me from snapping at all the idiots out without masks who refused to properly distance.  So.)  And because why the hell, not, I haven’t confused my Google search enough yet, here’s a couple of options for Chris that are a little more classy, as far as such a thing can apply to an outfit like this.  I mean if the other two are getting nice, quality outfits in that scenario, dammit he deserves the same.

Oh, and to briefly segue it back towards the more serious (and god, I really hope this comes out the way I mean it to, I am legit terrible at trying to word stuff like this), I would just like to say that frankly this version of how the physical/biological/however you want to phrase it aspects of the male/female vs alpha/omega spectrums play out makes so much more sense than a majority of the a/b/o I’ve seen.  I may not read it often, but I’ve been in fandom too long (and in a few too many small ones) not to have read a fair amount.  There have been a number of times where I just end up going “…his body has/did what now?…"  Whereas with yours it’s just like "oh, cool, that makes total sense”.  It’s natural, logical, and easy to understand, unlike my first few experiences back in the day when I kept having to Google the whole Omegaverse concept (a TERRIBLE idea, btw) to try and figure out how things worked.  So, yeah, I, at least, am a fan of this variation/interpretation/whatever.

Anyway…having hopefully managed to avoid cramming my whole entire foot into my mouth, would you care for some more assorted headcanons?  Maybe one day Stiles and Noah are in the attic working on sorting and organizing some things (Stiles is about 14 or 15 at this point), and after going through a couple boxes of Claudia’s sketchbooks, he finds one that contains a few mangled pairs of fishnets, a mesh shirt or two, maybe a pair of extremely short black cutoffs, some studded bracelets and collars, and he’s just like “man, Mom was a little more hardcore than I would have guessed."  After a couple moments of pointed silence, Noah finally offers ”…that’s not your Mom’s stuff, Stiles" while very determinedly not looking his son’s direction.  Cue a hysterical sequence of microexpressions of shock and horror contorting Stiles’ face, culminating in a brief full body flail and ending with him shaking his head with all the intense desperation of someone trying to clear an Etch-A-Sketch, before he just quietly goes back to sorting through the other boxes and they just never speak of it again.  Alternately, I would accept this same scenario for Chris and Allison (thinking the box had belonged to Kate), because I feel she would have the next best reaction faces to Stiles (less grimacing, but more internal screaming), with basically the same end result.  Or perhaps both had an incident like this, and they use it as some sort of bonding moment.  They’re an odd family after all.

 Don’t think I didn’t notice that the preview changed again.  Just going straight for the feels this time, huh?  God, poor Peter.  I feel so bad that he’s missing out on all the cuddles (familial and romantic), but I’m sure they’ll all be more than willing to make it up to him later.  Really hope he was doing that super speed thing on the way back to the hospital, or the Sheriff’s station might get some strange reports of a naked man running through neighborhoods.  

On the subject of the kids and education, I would vote BioChem for Allison.  It would be useful in learning about all the stuff hunters use, and figuring out ways to combat them, as well as potentially offering some overlap with Lydia’s degree.

I’d vote Criminal Law for Jackson.  It would be both a nod to his adoptive dad in the show having been the D.A. and offer a connection to the traditions of the family he’s just now learning about.  And I suspect that it’s entirely possible that if Stiles went after a Criminal Justice degree (or similar, I’m not entirely sure what it would be called), they’d likely have some overlapping classes, which would just piss Stiles all the hell off.  So win-win, really.

I think Malia could do really well with either type of Engineering.  I want to lean more towards Mechanical, particularly for the auto repair aspect, but part of me really wants Electrical for the Ant-Man connection (speaking of high Intelligence, low Wisdom…)  I think she would hate it while she was getting the degree (WHY DID NO ONE WARN ME THERE’D BE SO MUCH MATH???!!!), she’d be so proud once she’d graduated.  I feel like I could see Derek partnering with her on the shop (he’s working on a Master’s in Business.  Anything Law just felt too close to what he’d lost, but he also couldn’t bear to stray too far.  So, business.  Eventually I think he’d join in with the artsy side of the family and go after a degree in Design, so he could help build up the shop that way, as well.)

Totally agree on the other two.  I can also totally see Kira and Malia coaching some sort of intramural sport for kids one day.  Soccer (football), Little League, Lacrosse, doesn’t matter which.  They absolutely love it, and the kids love them (they totally get the smaller Pack kids involved, too).  Eventually they talk Isaac into creating a team for some of his kids that are looking to socialize more (they make sure that the experience is 100% positive for any of them that play.  They refuse to tolerate any bullying or poor sportsmanship of any kind.)

Hmm…not sure about the others, either, but I like the idea of Boyd ending up as a professor of Mythology and Folklore.  He was the one that actually thought about whether he wanted the bite, and whether it would be worth it in the long run.  He seemed the most interested in the reality of being a werewolf.  I can see him learning as much as he can about the supernatural from Peter and Noah (and some of the other side of things from Chris), and utilizing that in getting his degree (and eventual Doctorate).  And let’s face it, after dealing with the Pack’s shenanigans over the years, college kids aren’t intimidating in the slightest.

And before I forget, may I just say that “People buy it because it’s Tumblr, why wouldn’t two gay dads run a wolf rescue?” had me laughing so hard I started snorting.  Moving on; I know you recently shared a post that featured shots from the episode where Stiles gets his dad drunk to distract him from reopening the Hale case (I have Opinions about that black shirt, and how disappointed I was that it Never Showed Up Again, so I notice when it pops up in Tumblrs I check, okay?  Don’t judge me.), and some of the other blogs I try to keep up with have shared some pics of J.R. in glasses, and now I can’t help but wonder if that becomes like a Thing for Peter at some point.  Like, once they start to get a little older (once Chris has grown out his beard again, and maybe Noah has retired [my uncle was a cop and retired in like his mid-forties, I think] and started letting his hair get just a bit shaggy again) and his husbands start occasionally wearing glasses for reading, or fine detail work, etc.  (I would not judge him if it did, because, uh…, hard same.  I blame too many years of anime.)  Like, they slip them on and his brain just immediately starts going to more terrible porn scenarios.  Stern librarian, called to the principal/headmaster’s office, courtroom shenanigans.  Actually, if Peter is supposed to have been a lawyer they probably do that one anyway.  The Prosecution and the Defense take turns attempting to sway the Judge/Jury Foreman in their favor.  Who is who just depends on their mood at the time, and who feels willing to put on a suit (god help Peter if he gets both his mates in well cut suits and at their persuasive best.  He can barely keep it together long enough to stay halfway in character.  They are fully aware of their power, and file the information away for use in anniversary/graduation/other celebratory settings.)  Wow…that kinda got away from me.  Again.

Anyway, I tried to do the reader poll thing, hope my responses went through/made sense.  Hope the assorted links I’ve attempted work, I’ve never tried adding them to something before.  I probably still have the tabs open if I need to try again, unless my computer randomly decides to close them, which I have had it occasionally do.  Glad that you are feeling somewhat better, and that it doesn’t appear to be anything serious (and possibly even somewhat positive, in the long run, at least?  If it’s a sign of things trying to heal?)  Sorry in advance if some of this makes assisting customers difficult tomorrow.  XD  I feel like it should just be implicit, like my brain just compels it’s own warning in general.

I think I’ve read through this at least ten times because it’s just so good. I don’t really have the energy to reply to everything, but I do want to leave you with some headcanons of my own. 

Mainly Hogwarts houses:

Ravenclaw: Lydia, Melissa, Natalie, Julio, Stiles

Gryffindor:  Noah, Derek, Kira, Allison, Boyd

Hufflepuff: Scott, Chris, Jordan, Ben, Isaac

Slytherin: Malia, Jackson, Peter, Danny, Erica

Ben’s super cute playfulness as a wolf pup

Peter definitely wears a pair of wolf ears during sex, although he’s a little sad that he can’t mark up Chris and Noah as he used to. He liked to bite hard and draw blood, but with him as an Alpha, that’s just not an option anymore. Although there are plenty of other ways he can mark them up and he enjoys finding new ways. Even if they’re not as visual and permanent.

Peter also makes time for each of his kids and enjoys being a father. He revels in the role and loves reading bedtime stories to his younger kids, PTA meetings (he rises to the top of the rank really quickly, starts a turf war with a Karen but gets backed up by Mack’s mom. So it’s all cool.) And With his older kids he finds new ways to guide them through life as young adults. He’s there for every homework assignment, every break-up, every report card, and all the little moments he’s had to miss out on.

Also when Noah is pregnant, he’s closely monitored by Melissa and his licensed midwife. (He’s given birth to Malia and Stiles at home, he’s planning to do it again. Chris too, only has had homebirths, although Ben had to be rushed to the hospital because the doofus swallowed amniotic fluid during birth and turned blue after ten minutes. (Which is based on a true story, my brother had that complication after homebirth. Homebirths are very common in my country which is why I put them in my fics.)) And Peter and Chris go into protective overdrive. He keeps working for as long as he can but at four months pregnant with twins, he has to take a step back and only work desk duty until he’s 7.5 months along. He takes some time off after that and gets time to recuperate and rest. 

Chris for his last pregnancy also chooses to have a homebirth, Julio comes to work for him to do his arms deals and meetups while Chris takes a step back and works from his office until the day he goes into labor. And even then he’s still trying to get this deal done while breathing through contractions.

Also, imagine Peter getting to experience both of his mates being pregnant again. I like to imagine the smile on his face when he hears the heartbeats for the first time, how he just knows when his mates are pregnant, he recognizes the scent change now. He knows Chris is pregnant before Chris does. With Noah it’s a bit more of a tie since Noah can pick up the twins’ energy signatures and heartbeat at 4-5 weeks. Which is when the scent change happens.

I imagine the three of them curled up together after the youngest has been born, all tuckered out and completely passed out. The new baby curled up in the cosleeper next to the bed. Malia sneaks in without waking her dad and starts snapping pictures for the family album. And at one point during the night, Ben and the youngest twins end up sleeping in their parents’ bed as well. It becomes a routine until Ben is ten and generally likes to sleep alone. (Unless he’s upset, then he comes running.)

Also, the mere image of Chris wearing glasses and Noah wearing his police sunglasses (or regular glasses), like yes, sign me up. Also, Peter shows solidarity and starts wearing glasses later in life too. Which doesn’t only do wonders for their sex life (though that was never bad, to begin with) but also every single parent at Ben’s high school and the twins’ elementary school suddenly have the hots for the three extremely hot dilfs.

It also helps with getting justice for Ben when his son is being bullied at school and Chris has to convince Peter not to kill anyone, Noah shows off the sheriff’s  badge and starts suggesting a few things, and Chris likes to remind people that his son (Jackson) is now the youngest DA in the country and works from Beacon Hills and his other son (Stiles) is now an FBI agent who certainly wouldn’t mind digging into the past of whoever is bullying his little brother. (Not that he ever has to get that far, usually he smiles warmly and charms the principal or the teacher with his trademark smile and within a day Ben’s bullies are disciplined by the school.)

I have no idea where I’m going anymore as I’m pretty tired at this point. But these were stuck in my head and I had to share.

(Once again, I adore every single headcanon you’ve send me. <3)

[shannonparis29]

Iowa USofA Diva 2016-2017

IOWA USOFA DIVA 2016 (TAKES PLACE IN JAN 2017)

Iowa. My next stop. What can I really say about Iowa? Oh. A lot. I’ve been to Iowa before, for court-related events. But I started preparing as soon as I got back from Missouri. I decided to do that. After ordering evening wear and stones, I had to make arrangements for the trip. One realization I made was, I could rent a car and Jackie and I could go up there. But we needed a driver to do so. My future and later ex-boyfriend, Levi, ended up being the person to offer a hand in this. He had a clean driver’s license and could drive us to Iowa. He planned to fly to Corpus and we’d make that long twenty-hour drive to Des Moines, Iowa.

We planned to leave on January 11th and giving us two days to get there and check in. The drive was long, and the only negative was the amount of driving that both Jackie and Levi had to do.  We arrived in Iowa, at 6 am, in Des Moines, at our hotel. My hotel was already paid for, but we had an issue. The hotel gave us a hard time and they were treating us like criminals and practically following us to the hotel. It made me feel uncomfortable, even though I already paid for the room IN FULL online. I decided to ask for my money back, but they offered no refunds, which was total BS. It really irritates me. We went to the room, checked it out (it was fine) and I just didn’t feel comfortable. Jackie was like,

“You want to leave and find another hotel?”

While yes, I was tired from the trip and I needed a few hours of sleep, I just couldn’t stay here feeling like I was being watched. I said,

“You know what? Let’s find another hotel on Expedia…give me a few minutes and we will leave.”

I hadn’t unloaded anything yet but I found a hotel nearby-even closer. It was the host hotel that Iowa’s court used for Coronation. We were staying for one night so it wouldn’t be “too much.” I booked it, paid for it, and said,

“Let’s blow this place.”

I used the bathroom and then we left and made sure nothing was a mess. I told them,

“We’re checking out.”3

“Is it because of the other person?” they asked rudely.

“I don’t appreciate being made to feel like I’m being watched. So, we’re going elsewhere…I am taking my money elsewhere and I’d like a refund, please.” “We don’t do refunds…”

“We only were in the room for ten minutes…and we’re not staying. So why not?”

I was pissed about it and I really wanted the $130 back. For two nights…One of which I did not even stay because we were delayed on our trip. I honestly could not deal anymore…we just left and called it a loss. And this hotel was a local business and not a hotel that had any way to report.

We were able to get to the other hotel…Comfort Inn and Suites. And it did live up to its name. We unloaded everything and then fell asleep for a few hours. At 1030-1045 am, I had to wake up, eat and get dressed for interview.                                                                                                

For interview, I wore my suit again and tights. Hair in a tight ponytail. It was registration time. Three girls showed up for diva (including me). Sigourney Beaver, Siren Principle and I. They were Iowa girls and I was the only one from out of state. I was already used to be the only one from Texas. Because that happened numerous times when I competed for prelims besides Texas.

I drew contestant number 3 which means I was closing the show. During interview, yes, I had some nerves, but I wasn’t as nervous as I was in previous interviews. I looked professional and I had to show these out of state judges my heart-which I felt like I did all season, but it was just a matter of how I did against the others. Diva is super competitive at prelim level as well as Nationals. Usually, it draws many talented girls.

After interview, it was time to soundcheck for the pageant. I told the DJ I’d need time to “set up” for talent and that it would be a brief set up. As per previous judges feedback, I was told to get props, a table, books, etc. Be more in the scene. When I’m not talking in the beginning, act like I am doing something to help “tell the story.”  Which we ended up doing but it not working out in our favor. Another feedback critique was the Jackie’s character, “the boss” needed better clothes-which we did as well.

Before Iowa, we only used a wireless microphone, a coffee cup prop, and just me and Jackie. And we scored high without all the “extra stuff.” So that says something. We added Levi as one of the male parts as well. Which I’ll get to that later how that turned out.

After soundcheck, we went to go eat at a local restaurant in Des Moines-called the Mad Meatball. We went to eat and then I had to head to the hotel and get ready for that night’s festivities. We ate well and it a cold night in Iowa. Supposedly it was supposed to snow. It did “supposedly” during the pageant but the roads were fine to drive on. Levi knew how to drive on ice/snow since he’d lived in New York and Missouri.

Arriving to the pageant, I was ready in face. Just needed to do hair/lashes and get dressed for presentation. Presentation was “fairy tales” and I didn’t have anything for that category. I wore my purple dress from Missouri and Jackie put jewelry on my head as a decorative thing to be a “princess.” Presentation is usually the last category that I worry about because it’s not judged. I’ve seen people slay presentation at every pageant-it just varied.

After presentation, I changed for evening wear. Evening wear, I had a new updo, and my evening wear was jumpsuit with stones on the shoulder and belt. I was comfortable as hell in a jumpsuit because that seemed more me, than just a “gown.” You’re not “required” to wear a gown. Same rules and all that jazz as far as scoring.  It was different because the other two girls wore gowns. In fact, one of the girls, Sigourney was corseted, and duct taped in so tightly she was having trouble breathing and almost passed out. I felt bad for her, and I hoped she’d be okay once evening wear was completed. It validates that beauty is pain.

For evening wear, I chose the song, “Just Like Fire” to model to, because it was my energy and personality. I used it for evening wear in Texas but it was “too fast” but I felt like it was more me than the last song I chose. Because slow songs were typically for evening wear. But as I’ve learned trying to find the “balance” between something that goes with the evening wear and following the music to model to was something I would need to work on.

The first season I competed was trying season for me because there was a lot of things that “worked” and things that didn’t. And it was a test of my determination and persistence.

For evening wear, I waited my turn and then I went out. Even Victoria Rios, the current Miss USofA Diva, commended my efforts to do something different. She could tell that I was more confident in this than most gowns.

When it was my turn, the DJ played the wrong music. He was playing another contestants music-the one right before. I tried to point that out that it was the “wrong” music but no one heard me at first. So…I decided once again, just to go with it. It wasn’t my music but I was gonna model like it was. Then about halfway through my modeling, my “song” finally came on and I modeled the heck out of it. I had to show them I deserved to be at Nationals. It’s not worth winning if you don’t have to fight for it-something I learned a long time ago.

After we modeled individually, it was time for compared. I was feeling good and I modeled the jumpsuit and stood out against the other two girls. I could tell people were getting excited. I made sure I “sold” my evening wear. And I planned to. After evening wear, it was time for talent. Both Jackie and some people backstage were impressed by my confidence to  model a simple jumpsuit as if it was a $2,000 gown with stones and beads.

For talent, we all were backstage, waiting. I had a long wait time because the MI’s did talent first. The eventually winner of Iowa MI, Mick Douche performed a “Star Wars Mix” with the song Starboy in it. It was brilliant. Finally it was my turn. I was the last one doing my talent.

“In talent competition, Shannon Paris.”

Jackie and Levi began to set up the table and I handed the microphone to Jackie to place aside.  But we were given NO set up time. They literally started my talent and it threw me off majorly. I froze for a split second and then I had to keep going. I placed the “files” on the table and the table collapsed. I at first, thought it was because we didn’t set it up fully. Great. I thought, but I had to keep going I performed the talent and after the talent, we went backstage waiting for results.

I was a little disappointed that all that went wrong. I found out my table was damaged and that’s why it did not stay up. I don’t get why someone would “sabotage” my table. Because I never see people like that. You see, in Diva/MI, we take on a family, a brotherhood/sisterhood and I didn’t believe that any of my competitors would do that. However, I do feel that someone that knew the other two girls maybe didn’t like me because I wasn’t from Iowa. It had nothing to do with my diva sisters or mi brothers. Besides the table, the DJ did not follow instructions for my evening wear or talent. I’d told I’d need a minute to set up and then we’d signal for the start. And playing the wrong song. I honestly would have felt it had been one mistake, okay, but three? That just seems suspicious.

Then it was time for results.

“All three of these girls, did amazing and they all were amazing competitors. The promoter has decided to send all three of them to Nationals!”

Nationals. I am going. Now where did I place with these two other girls?

“Our first runner up and winner of presentation (some pageants give that award even if it’s not judged) and interview, Siren K. Principle.”

“And our winner of talent and evening wear, Sigourney Beaver.”

I took second alternate. Again. But I was going to Nationals. I received my scores. I felt some of the scores were a little low, but I knew why. I knew that I walked a little too fast and I know the mishaps with talent were beyond my control. It just happened. But I knew I had to do it. Nationals was a month and a half away and I had to go, now. Like I wanted.

And then the real work began…for Nationals 2017.

Coming up next: A long article about Nationals 2017.