#tl;dr and i thought my adhd was bad

[wavetapper]

watched that new marvel movie and ive gotta say I understand why so many people unironically enjoy low tier ai slopcontent. watching it was an experience that can entirely be replicated by staring at a strobe light for 2 hours whilst someone lists off disney corporate acquisitions in one ear and alternates madonna and saturday night live in the other. astonishingly bad time.

[lannisterdaddyissues]

god why am i so fucking stupid. having adhd is truly a curse and i hate bearing it

[olderthannetfic]

https://www.tumblr.com/olderthannetfic/750610823574061056/httpswwwtumblrcomfandomsandfeminism750274420?source=share

TL/DR: Needing something to function normally isn't automatically an addiction. If you weren't functioning normally before and/or the item in question isn't consuming your life, you're probably fine. But, don't be afraid to speak to an actual specialist if you're concerned.

For the record, what I'm about to say is not directed at the anon, they just sparked the thought in my head.

I think a lot of people don't understand the difference between needing something because it helps and needing something because of an addiction.

For example, nobody who is normal tells someone using a guide dog or prosthetic limb that they're "addicted" to them. Nobody. If they do say it, they have issues. People can look and see "Oh, this person needs this to function, it's not something people generally get for pleasure, so it is not an addiction". (They do acuse people of faking and harass them, but I'm talking about the "It's an addiction" claim specifically for the sake of this.)

People don't look at medication or anything else that's helping an "invisible" problem the same way. It's the "I can't see it, I haven't experienced it, therefore it doesn't exist" mindset that many people seem to naturally have. They assume bad faith of people immediately, and are rude about it.

I've dealt with addiction, and I avoided going on stimulant medication for my ADHD because of it. To keep a long story short, after complications from the non-stimulant medication put me in the ER, I ended up switching to stimulant medication.

It has been the best change in my life. And the "I need this" of a medication that fixes my brain is so different than the "I need this" I dealt with when addicted to things.

With the medication, I actively function better, I feel better, I don't think about it constantly, but I rarely skip taking it because it does help so much. I need it to function, but not to exist in general.

With addictions? It consumed my life. I couldn't function with or without it, I felt awful if I wasn't partaking, and I did it out of compulsion. It was "I need to do this or I'm going to explode" not "I do this because it makes me feel better/function".

Yes, many addictions can start with "I do this because I feel better doing it", but it is such a different feeling even at that stage. And it gets worse (usually gradually, but it can be a sudden change depending on the person).

People enjoy climaxing, that doesn't make everyone a sex addict. Same with food, porn, video games, etc. Yes, people can get addicted to/dependant on these things, but enjoying it isn't the same. Just as thoughts are not automatically the precursors to action.

And, for anyone who's curious how to tell the difference early on: Could you function normally before you had the item in question? If so, can you function normally now if you miss it for a day, week, etc.? Does it consume your thoughts when you're not partaking in it?

If you were functioning normally before and now you can't without it and/or it consumes your thoughts, see a specialist if you're concerned.

If you were not functioning normally before and it helps you function now, you can function if you miss it, and/or it doesn't consume your thoughts, you're probably fine. However, if you are concerned, speak to a specialist.

Oh, and don't take the word of internet strangers as gospel. Not even mine. I'm one person in a sea of many, and everyone's experiences are their own.

--

[trashcanwithsprinkles]

i'm sure there's a ton of world building in the haitham zhongli convos but my adhd cannot. is there like a tldr even if someone else wrote it (i don't mean this like it's bad wiritinf but i just. cannot read long blocks of info)

-@bloodlust-system

no worries i gotchu

TL;DR under cut

rainya gave him access to better equipment so he could get more info from the documens he couldn't fully process last time (that he mentioned in his other convo)

he found two documents, one a coroner's report and another a report about one of the rescued victims from the BCI (black column incident). neither of the people described in the documents show the symptoms you'd have thought they'd have given everyone assumed the explosion had been radioactive bc of symptoms on those who survived from far away. also neither of the victims had inhaled smoke nor was covered in dust and debris, and both seemed to have been in incredible mental distress when the incident happened (like more than you'd think)

he points out that none of that makes sense, bc if the explosion had been radioactive, then they would have symptoms of radioactive exosure (which they don't have). also they should've been covered in dust head to toe given the boulevard sank into the earth and- i mean the explosion. and also also they should've inhaled smoke bc of the black pillar (supposedly a smoke plume)

so if neither of the victims had inhaled smoke nor showed signs of radioactive poisoning, then was there an explosion and smoke plume to begin with? and if there was neither of those, then what the fuck even happened?

also one of the victims' files states they were recovered from the place that sank completely beneath the earth, and STILL had no debris or dust and shit. so what gives? the dating and time of the file would suggest the boulevard sank after anfortas and co. got in, so if the supposed explosion didn't sink it, what did?

(↑ that is more or less what was in the long-ass starting section. since you mention the long blocks of text are what's difficult to read, i'm gonna guess the rest of the exchange is pretty legible)

tl:dr for the tl;dr:

documents from two victims on-scene suggest the boulevard sank after anfortas and co. went in, but also that there was no radioactive implosion and no smoke plume. this puts into question what the earthquake even was if not a massive explosion, and what the black pillar was if not the explosion's smoke plume. both victims also seem to have suffered from some sort of mental meltdown when the incident took place, which is Weird.

[theweirdwideweb]

Apologies in advance if this comes off as rude- I just can't figure out how to word it right.

What is the point of getting diagnosed with ADHD or anything similar as an adult? How did it help you?

I strongly believe that I have either ADHD, autism, OCD or some combination of them. (Or possibly even something else I haven't considered. The one thing I'm certain of is that something is Off with me) But I feel like it's too late, since I really needed to be diagnosed as a child and have specialized assistance to help with my schoolwork and train me in coping mechanisms to help with my adult life.

But now I feel like it's too late to do anything because I've already spent my entire life unconsciously masking and having to do 5x the work just to appear "normal" and I believe it's too late to unlearn these things that have been hardwired into my personality my entire life. The one place that would've been beneficial to have a diagnosis is school, but I'm out of school and I don't plan on going back.

You would think work would be the one place that having a diagnosis would actually help, but the management at my job is very toxic and I feel like they would take advantage of my new diagnosis. Even though that is not legal, I fully believe management would find a way to fuck with me or take advantage of me without making it obvious.

There is a small part of me that would like to be diagnosed just to have the satisfaction of being like "holy shit I KNEW there was something wrong with me" but that satisfaction would last like 10 seconds and then wtf do I do?

(I don't know why I was never diagnosed as a child. My mom has several stories that clearly illustrate classic neurodivergent symptoms and regularly nags at me for being "difficult" for never showing emotions, having aversion to too many textures, not picking up on social cues, being too agitated by unwanted noises yet never put 2 and 2 together)

A couple thoughts: I was diagnosed at 34, but had no clue until that point. A diagnosis helped me understand many things about myself, both past and present. As a kid I was constantly humiliated for my symptoms by parents and peers. Now I can look back and know I was doing my best, even though I was diagnosed "lazy" and "bad" and "ungrateful" by my parents. I'd chalked my school difficulties, social problems, and uncoordinated body up to a moral failing. Now I understand so much more.

On the more practical side I started taking stimulant medication. Everything got easier. In therapy I started to understand what's my CPTSD and what's neurodivergence (and what's both!). I have gained tremendous self understanding. It helps me navigate the world with less discomfort.

I've also been going to group and individual DBT therapy for the past 7 months. So much of DBT is aimed at trauma survivors and neurodivergent people. It helps bring your awareness to unhelpful thought patterns and gives you practical tips on how to snap out of an obsessive thought or sensory overload state.

tl;dr Medical help is available to you in many forms once you receive a diagnosis. I'd much rather know. It's shaped my understanding of myself both past and present. I've never regretted getting tested. As a matter of fact tomorrow I have my 1st round of Bipolar testing. Know thyself!

[ladykailitha]

Buckle up, there is a topic I want to rant about today. A few days ago this came across my dash and it reminded me of someone I knew from high school.

There was this kid at my high school everyone thought was a douche. He was good looking, popular, could sing, dance and play an instrument (I think it was guitar, but I don't remember it's been 20 years). He was getting lead roles in the plays as a sophomore (we didn't have freshman in our high schools out here in hick Utah where the running joke has always been we're behind the times by at 20-40 years), he got duck classes because he was getting acting jobs while in school.

We'll call him MH because those were his initials.

He was in my biology class and our science teacher had four groups of four debate creationism vs evolution (you shouldn't debate established fact but whatever). Two groups would be for creation and the other two would be for evolution.

I picked creation because I was a contrary child and wanted to debate the opposite of my actual views. (I was like thatTM) He picked evolution.

We got up and gave our arguments. Now our teacher wasn't a stupid man, stupid assignment aside. He knew his classes. He knew teenagers. He gave them two voting slips. One for who liked the best. Popularity wise. And the other for who gave the best arguments.

Now for some added context, this is Utah. Mormonville. Creation is basically hardwired into our psyche from birth. The chances of EVOLUTION winning was as likely as a pig sprouting wings.

But I was not well liked in high school, I was an epileptic, ADHD, anxiety riddled nerd. So MH's team got the votes for both the best argument and the most popular, because fuck me that's why. (And yeah, this sounds like my anxiety talking, but no these little shits told me that to my face.)

I can't remember how long exactly it was. Long enough that I got over it, but fresh enough I knew what he was talking about. But shortly after this shit show we have a fire drill. It was cold, it was miserable and I was ready to start cussing for the warmth.

MH comes up to me and the two friends I was with and tells me "Hey, I think it was crap that you lost. Your team had the better argument and was better articulated. I just wanted to let you know." And then melted back into the crowd of students.

I didn't think he knew what my name was, if I'm honest. But he came up to me and told me that I should have won. Even my friends were shocked. Now of course I was bitter about losing, because how could I not be? But the fact that the hottest guy in school came up to me and said that? I felt vindicated.

From that day on though? I was a staunch MH supporter. I was tell people that he was probably shy and very busy (you know with the whole acting jobs thing).

TL;DR: high school douche goes out of his way to tell me that I should won the on merit side of a stupid debate and I find out not a douche after all.

So why do I bring this up? Because of Steve Harrington. He has literally everyone saying he was an ass in high school. That he has to atone. But other than some instances where it was absolutely warranted we never really see Steve be a douche. Just typical teenager shit. And every time he does something "bad" he apologizes for it.

But all his friends are still giving him shit about it three years later. But not Jonathan who was an actual fucking criminal. Like he didn't have develop the sex pictures if he was looking for evidence of the thing that took his brother. I've developed film. The negative, while small gives you a pretty good indication of what would develop.

And yeah Nancy forgave him, but no one asked Steve if he forgave him. Because he was in those pictures, too. Steve was just as violated as Nancy was. And if the scene we see is any indication, Steve was probably more predominately featured than Nancy was, because he was on top. Meaning he would have covered her most of the time.

So no, I don't think Steve was a bully. No, I don't think he has anything to atone for that he hasn't already atoned for in fucking spades. I think he was always that same lovable dork he always was and Nancy had nothing to do with his "hero arc". But I have my own thoughts about Nancy that are way too long for this already massive dash stretcher.

/rant end

[fox-quills]

do you have any recommendations for writing a fic? i have so many ideas but never can get pass writing even 1 paragraph of my idea. I guess maybe it’s because i have ADHD but it sucks!!! I’ve such great ideas for mha / erasermicdeku fics but never can get far. Any recommendations that helped you out? Or helped you be more productive?

Okay this is about to get long-winded because I have a LOT of thoughts on this topic. I'll drop a tl;dr at the end lol. So! First some background. I have ADHD too anon, and I'm struggling my way through life unmedicated, so I absolutely get where you're coming from. I've been writing fanfiction a long time. To give you an idea, my oldest posted fic is actually older than my current beta, so you know. Fandom ancient or whatever. But, for a long long LONG time, I really struggled with consistency. I have a list of unfinished fics behind me a mile long, because as much as I loved writing, and as much as I wanted to do it, I just couldn't seem to manage it around all that ADHD brain fog. So I wrote sporadically, only ever finished one long fic in probably twenty years, and generally felt pretty bad about myself all around. And then about a year and a half ago, I decided that I wanted to try writing consistently. Again. For the fifty bajillionth time. But I also knew everything I had ever tried didn't work, so if I wanted it to happen, I needed to do something different. So I started getting up two hours before work every weekday, and I regret to inform you that it worked beautifully. I think a large part of it is hedging your bets against ADHD brain. First thing in the morning, you're going to be more alert, and you haven't already used up all your limited thinky spoons on work or school or whatever else. You get your best, fresh morning brain! Let me give you some stats. Here's my total word count for the last five years:

I started my morning writing in June of 2023, which is probably pretty obvious. When I first started, my daily word counts weren't anything crazy, but I was making consistent, daily progress and I was super happy with it!

And here's my daily word count for the last few days:

And this is not me going crazy. Just my two hours in the morning, which is closer to an hour and a half because I gotta get up, make coffee, etc. I have a few things that helped make the transition easier. I work from home, so I can write up until the moment I gotta boot my laptop for work. My husband also happens to get up for work at the same time I get up for writing, so that helps too. But even without these things? I'd do it. If I had to drag my ass outta bed at 4am, I would, because it just works that well. I'll never go back to doing anything else. I have one other piece of advice that really helps keep me motivated, and that's to find a circle of people to talk to about your writing. Talk about your fic with your friends, join a discord server, something! I absolutely CANNOT overstate how motivating it is to have people excited for your story, people to talk to about your ideas, people who care about this silly little thing you've created. There's this idea that writing is a solitary thing, but I don't think that's true. At least, it doesn't have to be. And I don't know about you, anon, but I'll write an entire novel for one friend who wants to know how it ends. I write because I love it, but I also write because I love other people too, and I like making them happy. tl;dr - Get up early to write. Yes, I know it sucks, but it really does work. - Find someone to talk about your stories with. A friend, a beta, a fellow fan. Shared enthusiasm is a wonderful motivator. I'm not going to guarantee what works for me will work for everyone. I do strongly encourage you to give it a try though, because you never know! It took me a long time to get where I'm at. Part of that was not knowing I had ADHD till I was 30, so I was stuck fighting an invisible enemy. And then I had to learn how to work around it, which wasn't an easy thing to do. The most important thing is to be kind to yourself, and to do what you can. If you're lucky it won't take you quite as long as it took me, but if writing is something you enjoy, then you'll be able to carve out a place for it. It just might take some trial and error to get there. I believe in you ❤

[danieyells]

In Tokyo debunkers I have been thinking about the first years and what they have in common.I think all of them are short-sighted or have tunnel vision this isn't a bad trait

I may be wrong on this or miss remembering so if I'm wrong please correct it.Please excuse the formatting I'm on mobile and the length.

Leo-

He is the easiest one for this,the speech that Alan gave him at the end of vagastorm kinda sums up lot of leo problems.There was a post about Leo possibly self-sabotage or disregard for his own self, there's merit look at the scene of Leo,Alan and Thoma.

He may have figured out that Alan wasn't going to hurt him but Thoma was a complete wild card in that situation,he was grabbing his axe.Along with setting up the PC,he used her to his liking and was planning to fuck her over after the fact.Image if his planned success what would have happened most likely no more access to the PC if she believes her boasting does not work.That means no more spying on Thoma and Alan.

Please tell me if this has any weight.I have to go to work.Thank you

Sorry this took so long, anon! I wanted to reply earlier but I thought that maybe mobile wasn't showing parts of the message(it sounded kind of like you were going to list the ways the other first-years were short-sighted/prone to tunnel vision) so I wanted to check it on desktop and my Taiga brain ADHD made me keep forgetting 8'D Excuse me for rambling so much, I get a little long-winded! TL;DR, I do think you're right, although Leo isn't as careless as you think, and I think Sho isn't really prone to tunnel vision or short-sightedness beyond that he seems to bounce between interests somewhat easily.

Yeah, I agree that the first years are a little prone to tunnel vision--like, they all must have come here with something in mind and that something will expand in their time here. Ritsu intended to acquire clients--particularly the famous and wealthy Frostheimers who are prone to controversy and scandal. Ren has implied some issues with his family so he possibly did this to escape the responsibilities of home--and now he has to try and escape the responsibilities of work too. Sho. . .I think Sho is the least short-sighted of them in a sense? Sho seems very much like he takes things day by day and he does whatever catches his interest and whatever makes things easiest for Leo, even if it means he gets in trouble when Leo should've. He's really intelligent and has a plethora of hobbies and interests, although he puts a lot of his passion in cooking and tends to drop most other things that aren't sports. And Leo, like he said, came here expecting it to be a lot more fun to be around other people who made pacts with demons, and he acts like he only cares about thrills, profits, and having a good time. Most of them don't care about others or only care about others in superficial ways that benefit them(again, with the exception of Sho who at least seems to be more good-natured and considerate so far, unless Leo is telling the truth when he says Sho acts that way to get and keep customers, which wouldn't make sense since Sho only recently started the food truck.)

About the meeting in the car, both of them were reaching for their weapons, not just Tohma. Because they didn't know what was happening when they were summoned to the car by the other but they were both confused, so they suspected foul play and prepared for a fight either way. They may have been about to fight each other, suspecting the other wasn't actually themself, frankly. I think they had their hands on their weapons before that panel was shown. See how they both already have their hands off to their sides by the time Leo pops in, after they both get confused? Reaching for their weapons was happening before Leo made himself known.

But Leo is smart enough to know Alan wouldn't let him get hurt even if Tohma started swinging--although I imagine he was being sarcastic when he said he didn't think Tohma knew who he was and he knew Tohma wouldn't just start attacking him mindlessly. Tohma was at the entrance ceremony(he already saw Tohma's information with Darkwick so he would have recognized him anyway, and he could probably ascertain from how diligent Tohma is that he would also recognize Leo already) and he also knew Tohma knew of him from when he listened in on them previously. Even if Tohma did pull out his weapon, Alan would have recognized Leo and his voice when he started speaking and protected him. Leo knows who his muscle is. He wouldn't have had put himself in a situation he didn't think he couldn't safely get out of. He does this kind of thing far too much to not know his exits--not to mention, you don't immediately hurt or kill someone who pulled something like he did. You get information first. It's just the smart thing to do, especially when they're already worried about a spy. (Plus you can't just willy nilly try and kill motherfuckers on campus. The likelihood that Tohma was actually going to try and kill, or even injure, him was slim to none.)

As for convincing the PC their power didn't work, they already knew it worked from when they used it in Frostheim. They just wouldn't think it always worked. He would still be able to ask them to come and use it on the basis of 'let's see if we can get it to work.' He'd be claiming it'd help them, because if they don't know what does and doesn't cause it to work, they and Darkwick would want to figure it out--and since he would be able to say 'it seems like it works when we use it together' they'd end up relying on him to help them understand when it does and doesn't work. The PC just probably wouldn't be sent on missions with them due to being a liability. Also, he could still spy on Tohma and Alan--just not while they're in the soundproofed car. He mentions in the campus chat that they likely have more than one place they meet up(unless he wasn't spying on Tohma and Alan at that point, but somebody else), and he also plants bugs in the car according to his home screen dialogues(although they get destroyed.) He'd be able to spy on them less, but it's not like they only ever meet in there, and I'm sure he'd figure that out quickly enough.

You have to remember what the guy does for a living outside of being an influencer--he corners rich people and basically makes them give up money in exchange for him not releasing information they'd wanna keep private. His proper introduction is at the "mercy" of a guy with a knife who's clearly threatened to stab him multiple times based on the multiple stabbed pillows around them, summoning Sho to help him. He puts himself in danger all the time, but he always has at least one way to be backed up. He was second in scholastic ability among all the first years. He's extremely intelligent and clever. Yes, he is short-sighted, but that's in terms of making things work. He'll treat the symptoms without resolving the problem if he can, like Alan said--if it gets the desired result who cares if it's right or wrong in the long run? But he's not so careless that he'd put himself into that much danger with no backup plan--although he is careless enough to put himself in the danger in the first place, but. Everything involves risks.

The problem is that backup plans can fall through and understandings of situations can too. Like Alan said, he does need to take better care of himself because he absolutely is careless--not extraordinarily so imo, but definitely careless. Leo is willing to put himself in danger for an end goal, but it's not like he runs into things with no plan and no backup. Leo is smart enough to get things to work with his wits and his words 99% of the time, but that one percent is gonna get him in real trouble eventually--and we've already seen his plans partially fall through two or three times(although two were after they served their purposes.) Alan realized when Sho wouldn't eat the spicy donuts that he and Leo lied about who was at fault for their acting outside of the scope of their mission. Even at the end of the encounter with the anomaly, Sho ended up telling the [half?] truth and backing up that the PC was able to buff his stigma instead of going on with their deal, which Leo hadn't expected. And the PC and Alan, in Alan's character story, end up investigating the actual circumstances behind Jun and Takeru's deaths. He's used to things working out for him and going his way, so he doesn't consider enough what could happen if they don't. Short-sighted, yeah, careless, yes but not as much so as you might think. Calculated risks, normally really good at math. But sometimes you get the math wrong.

I do think you're not wrong as far as most of them being a little short-sighted though. The only one I kinda disagree with is Sho, but even Sho's like. . .he only cares about his interests, but he goes through with what other people want from him anyway sometimes? Like he tends to train with Alan in The Pit despite complaining about it a lot, enough so that Alan doesn't have to use the punching bag in his room as much when he trains since he can spar with Sho instead. He's also constantly doing whatever Leo wants despite seeming to dislike it, and letting himself take the fall for Leo's bad behavior. But maybe that follower mentality is a sort of short-sightedness and tunnel vision as well. . .then again, like he said to Hyde, "If I can use you to get ahead, I'm doing it." That's not really very short-sighted at all, he clearly has other things in mind. . .but it's hard to tell with Sho. We rarely see his motivations. Like I can't really pin down what Sho is. . .after in life. But also, Sho cycles through interests(with the exception of cooking and maybe basketball) frequently, so I get the feeling that's the point. Sho doesn't know what he wants either, and he follows who and whatever seems most interesting. When the PC says he could make money off of cooking, he takes a shine to that idea and immediately opens up a food truck. Fortunately he seems to like cooking and serving food for others a lot, because he's sticking to it at the moment.

[sewersewersewercouch]

(content warning for mentions of self harm and abuse)

ok I want to put my two cents in on the whole Keefe shebang because this kid has been rotating in my brain since I was 12 and I have Thoughts about him. thanks to @the-way-astray for writing the thing that spurred this ramble

the thing is, I love Keefe, I always have, but I've realized recently that the version of Keefe I love is kind of not the canon one? don't get me wrong, he has all the traits of the canon one, but framed in a different light. like, all his shitty traits are painted as just that--shitty.

because the thing is, the tendencies to joke inappropriately, the hero complex, the impulsivity, the simultaneous inflated ego and self-deprecation--those things all feel like realistic flaws for a teenage boy to have, particularly an abused, traumatized, probably neurodivergent (?*) teenage boy. the thing is, that they aren't always treated as flaws. oftentimes they're even romanticized, which is... not great. especially as some of his actions are, like, borderline sh behavior, and THIS IS A CHILDREN'S BOOK. we should NOT be saying things like that are okay in a book we're giving to middle schoolers.

now, Shannon HAS had her moments of acknowledging that Keefe is being shitty. that scene in nightfall where Sophie chews him out after the ogre fight is a good one--she points out to him that his self sacrificing is hurting not just him, but the loved ones he's so convinced he's helping. she does not cut him any slack and sticks to her guns--she doesn't contact him until his bedrest time is over. the problem is that moments like this are too few and far between, and they don't seem to, like, stick? like, he acts like he's learned his lesson and just does the same thing again.

also, kind of a more personal note that's completely irrelevant, I did kinda realize that one of my ocs is based a little bit on Keefe, by accident, but I do not let her off the hook half as much. she does have issues that affect the way she acts (hers is more about internalized ableism rather than child abuse, her dad is great I love him) and those are treated simultaneously like, yeah that's fucked up but you need better coping mechanisms that don't hurt both you and the people around you, girl! and she does end up keeping the relationships with her loved ones and building new ones, but to get there, she has to acknowledge that her obsessive martyr complex is hurting others more than it's helping them, and that her attempts at pretending she's always fine are bad for her and she needs to let people in. also she's a cool butch lesbian Shannon could never (/joke). this is again mostly just me bragging about blorbo from my brain but it's kinda like. this is what we could be so close to having with Keefe but alas

anyways tl;dr the power Keefe as a character would have if his issues weren't romanticized would be unparalleled

*wasn't there a whole thing where Shannon said she wrote Keefe as having adhd at a tour and kotlcblr went nuts? am I imagining it?

[shadows-discourse]

x$com

#_constel_

#status

#1855742549744402917

Replace $ with . and # with / to get the link to the clips for full context.

Alright so unfortunately because I checked it out while logged out (I didn’t want it messing with my already flimsy algorithm) I only got to see the first four. Which was more Jack than Tommy tbqh

That being said what I’m gathering is how I felt beforehand + Jack is incredibly biased based on a bad first impression but trying to be mature about it.

Like my initial thoughts said: it seems both were kinda in the wrong with Dream definitely overreacting to Tommy taking personal jabs. Which I know is just something Tommy likes to do. My only issue on that is one I share about all people who that’s their favorite way to joke with others: you have to make sure the target is ok with those jokes and know what the boundaries are. (Something I believe he has improved on mostly)

But at the same time Dream needed to take a step back and calm down before he spoke on the matter publicly (something he has since improved on I believe). It’s important to not immediately act on anger, especially for us with ADHD. Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria is a bitch and can make you say/do things you didn’t want to.

So yeah TL;DR, both parties made some mistakes 3-4 years ago and have since improved on what actions they did wrong to where they won’t repeat that hopefully. Sucks that this argument probably was the starting point of a broken relationship tho.

Anyway I am highly unlikely to say anything more on this subject. Thank you for baring with me today and being willing to help out. Have a good day no matter what your personal take on the situation and peace ✌️

[musashi]

As a creative, how do you keep going? I see you making fanfics, videos, art, gifs, sitting down and learning something new just because you wanted to. I've always had such a hard time turning ideas into actual finished pieces. At first i thought it was fear of failing but I've been tackling that for years but the progress I've made its still not enough. I've tried doing it "just for fun", for personal growth, for money, as part of a community. Hell, I've tried out of spite. Please, how do keep creating?

that's a tough one because it really is about getting to the bottom of what is stopping you, and it sounds like you've done a lot of work on that with little results. thats gotta be frustrating!

i can tell you that for me, i feel fully fucking crazy when i do not create. this is not as much the case anymore, but when i was younger i felt like the ideas were trapped inside me and that holding them in was literally making me sick. i created because i had to or i felt physically bad.

i had a huge sprawling story in my head for YEARS tho and i had to get it out. and i wasn't. and back when i wasn't it was because i was depressed. depression for me feels like a lazy sunday that never ends, like i can't do anything, like i am locked in my own body and the only thing i have the energy to do is scroll social media for short-term dopamine.

but when i eventually decided ok, this is it, time to tell my story, what fixed me was seeing it like a job instead of a passion. for YEARS i had been fed this lie about "inspiration" and "motivation" and "writer's block" and now i am fully 100% of the belief that all of those concepts are bullshit lmao. i straightup do not believe in them any longer. i believe they are shields that creatives hide behind to absolve themselves of the guilt and frustration they feel when they are not creating.

in the end for me it just came down to this: once a week, it was time to write. no ifs ands or buts about it. at a set hour, on a set day, i would write for a set amount of time. and i could either make fucking hemingway or the worst collection of sentences known to man, but i HAD to write. i was not allowed to talk myself out of it. so that is what i did.

now, years later, looking back on all of my work--i could not tell you what i wrote when i felt "inspired" and what i wrote when i didn't. it all just looks the same to me, and most of it is pretty damn good.

i no longer write once a week. i write every day now. set times. set moments. sometimes alone. sometimes with friends. but every day, when it is time to write, no matter how i am feeling, i write.

currently i am also trying to get medicated for my ADHD so that focus doesn't feel so much like pulling teeth! that is also something i am excited to pursue more and see if it helps. but tl;dr my process is brute force and a schedule.

here is a little more i have said on the subject. i am sorry if it's not helpful, but maybe you will find something in my story that lines up with your own.

[idk-im-just-here-now]

Okay I'm gonna talk about something that I just discovered yesterday and it's passing me off that it was never brought up before so this'll be a long ass post

I started taking ADHD meds back in June, and at first the effect was absolutely fucking INSANE. My brain just worked. It did things. It was wild how peaceful my head suddenly was and how I could just switch tasks without a second thought.

When I was prescribed them, I was told that there would be side effects like loss of appetite and weight loss, which is something I'm seeing but not to a troubling degree.

But yesterday, after taking my pill (also after starting my period) I found that... my brain was back to being regular noisy. It was harder to focus, it took me hours to get a simple task done, and when Igot curious, I found out the medication I'm using doesn't work NEARLY as well when I'm on my period.

And I was not told this. I also wasn't told about insomnia being a potential side effect, although that has more to do with when I take it.

Point is, I wasn't even AWARE that this absolute godsend of a pill would just suddenly become an overpriced tic-tac during my time of the month, and I am SLIGHTLY livid about it but I can't be too mad I guess.

The slightly more hilarious result of that is that because my AuDHD has come back so strong, I literally cannot stop vocal stimming and doing my stims anymore. Like, they were not NEARLY as bad on the meds, but I know it's come back when I've been singing and drawing for three hours simultaneously and repeating a word six times because it felt good to say.

TL;DR: Why the fuck does nobody tell you ADHD meds become basically useless when your hormones decide to fuck around I think that's kinda important. Also repeating the word 'flick' in high pitched tones is hilariously fun to do and apparently I can ramble for an hour about the Kraang into a microphone.

[catboybiologist]

Holy fuck this got long.

@glorhatransgal asked about my "queer timeline", and I'm making a separate post for reblog control. Feel free to engage in the replies or my DMs, though! I'm a pretty open book, except some stuff I would rather leave to DMs.

The tl;Dr is that I think I knew from the time I started puberty, but I had a weird commitment to suppression and misery. I've only managed to tackle that feeling in the past year or so, and I still need to socially transition.

Long long thing under the cut with mental health CWs!!!!!

I'm pretty sure the first awareness I had of queerness was when California proposition 8 was a thing, in the 2008 election. I was ~10 or 11 at the time, and asked my mom what the big deal with letting two men marry was. She explained a bit, explained that "you'll like girls when you get older but you shouldn't judge what other people do" and then emphasized that I shouldn't really ever worry about dating or relationships ever because I should focus on school.

That was a HUGE underlying theme, not just from my parents, but from the area I grew up in overall. Very high academic pressure just kinda.... Oozed out of everywhere, without any one specific parent or teacher particularly overemphasizing it (with notable exceptions). This came up a lot, and made me feel stupid or vain for engaging in any other aspects of my personality, including queerness.

I remember having some semblance of trans thoughts back in Middle School, without ever learning what trans people are explicitly. None of the adults in my life wanted to discuss the subject, mostly brushing it off as "it's something other people do and you shouldn't judge them". Very little explicit hate, to be fair, which is good. But a lot of changing the subject. So to me, it felt like basic vanity- eg, a shallow desire to be "pretty" that everyone had, of course, that I just needed to get rid of to focus on academics.

And of course, on top of that, I was more tech literate than the average kid. So my head was stuffed with the.... Unique.... Perspective on queerness, particularly trans people, provided by the unrestricted wilderness of the 2009-2016 internet. Since no adult in my life would really address it, it gave me a lot of really bad perspectives on the whole thing.

I'm not quite sure when bisexuality entered the picture, but I called myself "straight with exceptions" from the ages of 14 to 21 at least. My earliest clear memory of being attracted to a man was when I saw Aragorn in LotR for the first time (can you blame me?). If you want to make fun of my little nerd ass more, my first distinct attraction to a woman was probably Padme's midriff outfit in Attack of the Clones. Again, since my head was stuffed with weird ideas of queerness, gayness was often portrayed as a disgust or lack of attraction to women. I didn't have that, so I couldn't be queer, right? "Straight with an asterisk" it was.

Dysphoria kinda crackled in the background and grew as I went through puberty. The way I've described it is that my "resting state" was never happy pre-HRT. I could easily make myself happy and distract from it, but I didn't "come home" to a good feeling. Not an overwhelming feeling, not a suicidal one, but just being miserable in the background if there wasn't something to make me happy.

So when I hit a wall with my mental health in high school, it ended very poorly. I was in mostly advanced programs until then, but couldn't keep up due to things I *now* realize were ADHD symptoms. I had ongoing physical health problems that meant orthopedic surgeries, multiple extended times on crutches, limping around a lot, and ongoing pain and lack of physical ability that most people couldn't see, making me feel hopeless about my body and future. Add in a nice little dysphoria bundle in the background of all of that…and yeah. That's the self harm and suicidal period of my life. I was very weird in high school, oscillating between AP classes and almost failing out. I was also really just... Nasty to a lot of people around me, as a shield for how miserable I was. So uh, if you knew me in high school and stumble across this somehow... I am truly sorry. But I made it through, mostly through the patience and good graces of friends and teachers.

Anyways. I'm on a tangent.

Undergrad wasn't that memorable for my queerness- I lived at home while attending a local state college, and dated one cis girl for about a year there. Years later she told me that she realized she's bi, so that was kinda validating. I dove a lot into a academics, research, and volunteering to distract myself, and was academically successful.

I was asked out by a gay guy at one point in undergrad. He was someone who I had talked about my uncertain sexuality with and helped me work towards calling myself bi. When he asked me out, I got a bad vibe, and told him I actually thought I was straight. He was later arrested for rape. So uh... Bullet dodged? After his arrest, I started openly calling myself bisexual, but didn't really do anything with it- no dating and no community. It was a long time coming by that point, and the experience made me realize that I didn't have to be attracted to *all* men to say I'm attracted to men. After all, I wasn't attracted to all women either.

I graduated from undergrad in 2020 and stayed at the same uni for my MS. And this is where we enter "how much do I say" territory. My MS was instrumental in figuring out my transness, but was also a fucked up ongoing situation that involves several other people's dirty laundry that I don't necessarily want to air. I can talk a bit more about this in DMs if I know you and trust you, I guess. Sorry OP. So uuuhhh... Let's just say that I was extremely miserable and living mostly alone, so in the Fall of 2020, I ordered my first skirt to try and alleviate that background misery. I called myself a femboy as a last ditch effort to “just be a feminine man”. It was a key part of figuring myself out, though, and I loved the online community I made that way. About a year afterwards, I was having a shit time, and started the CatboyBiologist account on reddit to distract myself from it. I worked more and more from home, and would dress up as a "femboy" as I did.

I graduated from my MS in 2022 in a miserable state, probably worse than I was even as a teen. But it made me realize three things: one, some kind of mental illness made it really easy for my life to derail, two, my dysphoria made it such that *when* my life derailed, I had nothing to be happy about, and three, my weird standards growing up gave me the subconscious sense that I HAVE to be miserable, otherwise I'm not "accomplished" or whatever.

That's kind of the theme of my queer experience. I always knew it was there, but I excused it as "stupid" or just ignored it because I thought everyone was supposed to be miserable by default.

When I entered my PhD, I made a promise to myself to get rid of my weird connection to misery, and actually work on the first two. I joined a grad student queer group and started therapy almost immediately. At first the focus of therapy was essentially immediate trauma support. Slowly, however, I was able to tackle the underlying issues in therapy. I also brought my "femboy" fits to events organized by that queer org, and social events with the friends I made there. I fully engaged in my bisexuality and had a hot girl summer last year, dating men, women, and enbies for the first time since my undergrad GF.

Oh, and btw. Being a feminine man gets you laid. I'm sorry, it's just how it is. Take notes, alpha males, and put on the fucking dress.

With that support, I finally started HRT in August of last year, at the age of 25. I'm still a mix of boymode and girlmode- I girlmode around queer friends, and boymode most of the time otherwise. I've also told several people that I'm transitioning, but just to treat me as a man for now and wait for me to come out more publicly. My plan is to take a hiatus from my PhD this summer, and use that to travel and socially transition. So that's my upcoming landmark experience.

Up until this past month or so, I was the happiest I've ever been. Some out of the blue bad things happened this January. But I realized something- for the first time ever, bad shit happened in my life, and I didn't derail. I was sad. I cried. I was frustrated. I yelled. I had dynamic emotions and handled it. That's never happened before.

Obviously it's always an ongoing process, and it's linked to so many details of my life that it's really hard to say things about “just my queer experience” but uh yeah. Idk if anyone read all that and I'm taking multiple passes to trim out details that got too personal, but fuckit I'm already extremely doxxable at this point.

[muffinpines]

Long time no see... Does anyone even still follow me? Am I talking to the void?

When I started depression meds back in the day it mellowed me out, I basically stopped having hyperfixations and didn't draw as much fanart as I used to. I thought maybe i just grew up.

Tumblr was awful for my mental health, you know how it was. So I decided to leave. It was a good choice tbh. It's been like 5 years or something. I touched some grass.

I've been on Instagram this whole time and it is so lifeless and boring. The community of a fandom doesn't happen the same way over there. But I didn't really have a fandom so I didn't really care.

Anyway, I went off my meds recently, just to see how I'd function. I was diagnosed with ADHD and now take something for that, which it doubles as a depression med so maybe it would take care of everything all by itself. Incorrect, I'm doing awful! So bad! Taking to a doctor soon to sort it out...

But i have my first proper hyperfixation in a billion years, because I watched Good Omens (late to the party, I know.) just as I had gotten off the meds, and my mentally ill brain zeroed in on it like some heat seeking missile.

It's ironic, I avoided the show because of it's "tumblr cringe" reputation. Who am I kidding! I have a lot of tumblr cringe in my bones, I always have. I miss tumblr, I miss the community. I don't want to spend a hyperfixation on Instagram.

I haven't cared about anything like this in a longgg time. I'm so happy in that regard. But also I'm cripplingly depressed and anxious. So I'm simultaneously the best I've felt in years and the worst I've felt in years, which is a very weird space to be in.

So maybe I'll go on meds again soon and stop caring about anything, but for now... I want to hang out here. Gonna post some good omens content, have a good time. Idk what's gonna happen after that, but FOR NOW...I'm here.

TL;DR: I love good omens so much I had to come back here because I want to be in the fandom and have a fun time.

[not-poignant]

Jesus H Christopher, Pia. Your writing load is insane.

Maybe you should cut back on how many chapters you release for certain stories? Like Stain and Palma (since these stories dont equal income) until UtB the other Underline stories are almost done. Just a thought

Because I feel burnt out just by thinking of writing that much, so I can only imagine how you feel. Please take care of yourself

Hi anon,

TL;DR: My brain is stupid, which is why I can't do this, even though it makes sense and is logical.

Unfortunately the fanfiction is what often makes the original fiction possible, or more enjoyable.

If I lock myself down into too much schedule and rigidity, or if I only focus on writing for money, I actually start to hate writing, even if I love the stories. There is nothing like 'will this earn money, do people like this, would people pay, what if they all decide to stop paying for this, why would they pay for this, would I pay for this, how much would people pay for this, is there any incentive for them to pay for this, actually if I wrote a ton of different tropes maybe I'd make more for this, but that's depressing, but I need the money, shit what do I do, what if I lose my income, what if it all stops tomorrow, I need to write more, I need to write more, I need to write more' that is actually very exhausting and makes writing not much fun at all.

And to deliberately break out of that headspace as much as possible, I write fanfiction. Because that headspace (the one I wrote about above), on its own, even if I'm only writing two stories, can and has led to burnout and depressive episodes. I don't recommend it.

In a way, one of the reasons I can write so many stories right now (ADHD meds aside) is that I am letting myself break out and just have fun with fanfiction, and remember that my original writing is meant to be fun too. But without fanfiction, I lose sight of that very quickly.

Fanfiction means that when an original story chapter does super badly, generally there are still excited comments elsewhere that keep me going. That's how I survived The Ice Plague, and that story would never have been completed without fanfiction, because that was my worst performer of any story I've ever written. It also means if a lot of subscribers leave at once, I don't feel like The Worst Writer In The World. So having fanfiction behind me was like...a literal safety net or my security blanket.

If I have to discard my security blankets or use them less often in order to keep writing the original stuff, I might as well just stop entirely, because my longest hiatuses from Patreon (i.e. one lasted 1.5 years, many have lasted 4-6 months) have been when I'm mostly just writing original fiction, and am not writing much fanfiction, or not deliberately finding time for it, and finally get so stressed out re: money I literally have to stop. I'm on a (partial) Disability Pension.

A long time ago some professional people told me I probably shouldn't be working at all because of my mental illnesses and then paid me money because of the severity of those mental illnesses. My dumbass brain be pretty fragile, actually, and keeps chugging away because I make bad business decisions and write stuff I enjoy instead of writing to market, or doing rapid release, or releasing more novels (or novels). Writing does ironically help when I'm stressed, but not when I'm stressed about making money because of writing.

I will cut at my income before I cut at my love of this job, and unfortunately fanfiction keeps me going in this job, which means I can't really cut at that first.

(Also from a business perspective, it's actually a very good funnel to the original stuff and then subscription. Most of you wouldn't be here if you hadn't read one of my fanfics first and then gave the original stuff a try - I try not to think about that too much because I need fanfic to not be about money, but the fact is, I would not have this career without fanfic).

I do have plans to take two weeks off in January from posting chapters (I can still post rewards in the second half of January) and that's not too far away.

And the reality is that I probably would have kept going okay if real life hadn't imploded on top of everything like the world's worst bukkake party.

[letitrainathousandflames]

[trigger warning for mentions of panic disorder, depression, meltdowns and general mental health crap]

hey kids! if you've been taking antidepressants and your life is going nice and manageable and you think "my life is going nice and manageable! maybe I don't need antidepressants after all!" that is your stupid fucking hubris speaking and you shouldn't fucking listen to it.

Unless your meds are actively hindering you in any way (sleeping meds start making you sleep too much, antidepressants tossing you a bit too far from depressed into manic), in which case you should discuss adjusting your dosage with your doctor, there is no justifiable reason for you just to quit them!

"Aw, but I don't wanna have to take meds forever!", i thought, "I wanna use natural oils and not need SSRI (Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors) meds!"

Well. I'm autistic. And adhd. And I had depression in the past. Saying I don't want to need mental health medication and therapy is like saying I wish I could sprout wings and fly! It sure would be nice! It's not gonna happen though!!!

And while I'm on the subject, if you are as riddled with mental health shit as I am, do not fucking quit therapy just because you had a couple of nice weeks where nothing bad happened and you had nothing to mull over there. Because shit will get real again (life is made of cycles and highs and lows) and you will wish you hadn't quit when things were breezy.

My head is too foggy to make a metaphor now, but like. If shit was bad, and you started meds/therapy/etc, and it got better. Don't forget why it got better in the first place!! And don't fucking quit a treatment that has been working for you! Don't be stupid like me!

I'm currently balls-deep into a depressive episode, having crying fits and meltdowns and the worst panic attacks i've ever had in my life! All because of my pride and arrogance and refusal to admit that my brain is a disabled little shit that needs crutches to walk! I'm going through absolute hell and the only idiot I have to blame is myself!

TL;DR: are you so happy and healthy and chill that you just wanna stop using your support systems (meds/therapy/etc) because you feel you'll do fine without them? Take a moment to think about whether the support systems aren't the exact reason why you are so happy and healthy and chill in the first place.