#we love a king with totally healthy coping mechanisms

[starryeyeddreamer21]

I think Alastor would ALWAYS have a problem with the people his friends are dating

I bet he often flaunted how close he was with Rosie to every single one of her husbands and Rosie thought it was hilarious. Those two are scheming or gossiping 24/7 which means when they talk they are standing very close and whispering so no one would hear what they say. Every single one of her husbands hated it and it was step one of their downfall EVERY SINGLE TIME

He's absolutely killed/helped kill Niffty and Mimzy's exes and men that wouldn't leave them alone in general (this is literally canon with Mimzy)

He constantly says Charlie is too good for Vaggie even when him and Vaggie become more civil but it's fine because he's joking... Mostly

And when him and Vox were still close??? Omg he was convinced Vox had the worst taste in men EVER and him ending up with Valentino honestly just proved his point

It takes a little bit of a turn with Husk and Angel because he's just equally unimpressed with both of them like he'll look at Angel and be like "Really? The drunk?" And then he'll turn to Husk like "Really? The whore?" And then decide that neither of them can do better in the most derogatory and secretly caring way possible

[itsapunklife]

My stream of thoughts while watching Miraculous The Movie (Minor SPOILERS look away lol)

OMG

That’s totally not Christina singing

OOP NOT THE SWEATER

Where did homeboy go???

THEY GAVE FLASHBACK GABE LONG HAIR I CANT-

Emile looks a little different

It’s his moms birthday and he’s all alone in a theater??? This is so sad, Gabe you fucking monster.

Sir, SIR, THIS IS NOT A HEALTHY COPING MECHANISM

Ugh I have missed Fu/ Dude you’re scaring her

Chloe gtfo

Ooooo 😬 Homegirl literally said, “ No thanks homie”

TIKKI!!!!!

Honestly, security guard, same

OMFG THEYRE SO CUTE IMMA DIE

“Not on the first date” THIS IS PEAK COMEDY

Well he did say, “ Just water”

CARELESS WHISPER????? Hell yes (Aww bby)

Poor Nat lol

BRO YOU GOT A WHOLE ASS SON

Pop off it’s giving Lion King

Tom being Tom (we love to see it)

BISH IN YOUR DREAMS CHLOE

HELL YEAH GIRL PUT CHLOE IN HER PLACE

The PAINNNNNNNNNN

Now you care Gabe??? Adrien’s got a point.

Welp, that’s not good

The TEAAAA TEA!

So he’s not a senti in this?

Wow Adrien actually knows hawkmoth is Gabe

The closure we didn’t get in season 5?!?!?

Is this a hint that she’ll be the first to know his identity in the show? 👀

Oml Nat coming back as Mayura

IT WAS SO GOOD HOW ARE PEOPLE NOT IN LOVE WITH IT!?!?

[forthehpfanboys]

can you do being harry potter’s first boyfriend headcanons?

I adore these!!! They're so cute-

Warnings: homophobia mention, a few sexual mentions because I can't stop myself.

§×§×§ §×§×§ §×§×§

Ok, so we know Harry is kinda emotionally.............. Dull.

And very obvious.

HOWEVER

When he knows he likes something, or someone in this case, he. fucking. KNOWS.

And it probably happens at like 4am when he realizes it.

So we know he gets nightmares and such, and he clearly talks in his sleep (thanks Ron) and he probably wakes up super early in the morning after a nightmare.

He woke up in a cold swear with the past flashing behind his eyelids every time he blinks and his stress keeps growing and growing when suddenly he's crying silently in his bed.

And suddenly the bed is dipping down next to him.

And your scooting closer and pulling your knees to your chest and his brain goes quiet and he's if he woke you or if you had a bad dream like him and he's just so worried about you.

And then your whispering to him and he wants to talk to you forever.

"So.. Um.. Bad dream?" "What are you doing up so late?" "I just needed some water. Why are you up so late?" "I don't wanna be a bother to you." "As if my best friend could be a burden to me."

You pulled him close and Harry was wondering if you always smelled to fucking amazing.

He kinda realized you genuinely care about him and it made him giggly.

... He also realized he really wants your shampoo.

Anyway, back to you. So, you care about him and he no longer wants to he just friends with you.

And that's it. He trips on the floor and falls in love with you right there.

From then on, you have this tiny, angry wizard making sure your safe and if anyone says something even a tad negative, he's throwing hands.

Literally everyone notices he has a crush on you.

Hermione gets it first, naturally.

She notices when he just kinda stares at you during lunch and literally sprays his drink all over Ron when you look at him and wave with a smile.

Ron notices when their going up the steps and your going down and you say "Hey Harry" and Harry being Harry goes "hI (Y/N)!" then trips UP the stairs after you walk by.

Everyone in Gryffindor (and Y/H) finds out when he rasies his hand quickly and shouts that he'd be your partner at a Professor.

But imagine like Harry and Ron laying on their beds one afternoon and Harry's like 'give me flirting advice' and Ron's like '.. You see literally asking the worst person-'

Oh my God- Fred and George being his wing men tho. Imagine that shit. They basically follow you around the school telling you about how great Harry is, but like 56% of it is probably kick ass lies that they clearly made up.

Anyway.

This poor chaotic idiot tries so hard to not make it obvious but oh my god it's so fucking obvious.

You probably confront him, too. Like "Why do you almost die during meals if I sit near you or look at you? Are you alright?" and he's already sweating.

Harry is literally so awkward; please save him from himself.

Honestly, Ron probably tells you. Like he looks up from his plate and is just so casual about it. And then proceeds to get his shit rocked by Harry and Hermione at the same time.

So your probably giggling and finding this adorable because Harry's bright red- like redder than his tie and it's the cutest thing and you make a comment on his pretty eyes and he chokes on his saliva.

Anyway, so you guys start dating and he treats you like a king.

He buys you anything you look at for a second too long. Into painting? Get ready for the best paints galleons can buy. Into galaxy shit? Get ready for a whole ass telescope. You get it.

At some point, you put a budget on him because, Jesus.

Your dorm is filled with stuff and it's almost all from him.

Hi, he's so the kind of guy where if you play with his hair, he genuinely shivers.

HI BUT HE LOVES TO CUDDLE INTO YOUR CHEST. AAAA.

Harry definitely gets into more fist fights than before because people (*cough*Draco*cough*) can't keep their... Opinions to themselves.

You teach him healthy coping mechanics. Please. He needs them so badly.

And please patch him up after fights. Kiss his bandages like a dad because he needs one Jesus-

OH SPEAKING OF DAD-

Sirius being so supportive and approving of everything, but definitely threatening to throw hands if you hurt him (because fuck jkr).

Remus also supporting you guys because I said so.

Oh my God- but Harry totally doodles stick figures of you guys like in a field of grass on his homework and he gets yelled at by Snape but you give him like a star sticker snd he's happy.

Please, he's so simple to me, I have no idea why.

OH BUT I STAND BY HARRY CLIMBING OVER HIS DESK TO THROW HANDS WITH SNAPE IF THE GREASY BASTARD SAID SHIT ABOUT YOU.

Yo, if you play quidditch, his first date with you two is playing together and it's so laid back snd it's late at night and he brings a blanket to lay out on the grass after and look at the stars.

If you don't play quidditch, he's just gonna do the blanket thing. Yes, he got the idea from Hermione, shh.

More quidditch shit because I'm obsessed with this dumb ass sport-

If he loses a game, please prepare your ass. And I mean that. You will be limping (if your into that).

I kinda see him as a switch, to be honest, but leaning more towards a dom, but he can be a bratty sub if he's in a salty mood.

If he wins, I just kinda imagine locker room shower sex after so go wild with that image.

Oh, those late might cuddles with comforting him because a major thing by the way. Poor kid has been through so much.

~Taglist~

@catboyazula

[woozapooza]

*guy on the tumblr masthead voice* long post ahoy

I was thinking about the post I reblogged recently about how Queequeg is always saving people’s lives, including—not once but twice—Ishmael’s, and it occurred to me that Queequeg’s life-saving abilities aren’t limited to other people. He supposedly saves his own life in “Queequeg in His Coffin”:

But now that he had apparently made every preparation for death; now that his coffin was proved a good fit, Queequeg suddenly rallied; soon there seemed no need of the carpenter’s box: and thereupon, when some expressed their delighted surprise, he, in substance, said, that the cause of his sudden convalescence was this;—at a critical moment, he had just recalled a little duty ashore, which he was leaving undone; and therefore had changed his mind about dying: he could not die yet, he averred. They asked him, then, whether to live or die was a matter of his own sovereign will and pleasure. He answered, certainly. In a word, it was Queequeg’s conceit, that if a man made up his mind to live, mere sickness could not kill him: nothing but a whale, or a gale, or some violent, ungovernable, unintelligent destroyer of that sort.   

It’s a weird event, and the narration acknowledges how weird it is. It would be reckless to assume that Queequeg is being 100% serious in attributing his recovery to pure willpower, let alone to assume that he literally did will himself back to life. But if we don’t want to drown in the impossible question of “what [in this fictional story] is the ‘truth’?” then I think it is reasonable to assume that 1. Queequeg thinks there is some truth in what he’s saying, and 2. he’s right to some extent. I’m sure there are readers who would disagree, but I just think this whole passage is pointless if we refuse to take Queequeg at his word in the slightest. (Also, I’ve just never been the sort of reader who can constantly be like “is THIS real? is THAT real? how can we really Know anything? how can we really trust this character or that character or the author or ourselves?” I’m not into that.) Again, I’m not saying Queequeg actually controls his own health through willpower alone, just that I believe that his desire to keep living plays a role in his ability to rally. Specifically—and tantalizingly—he claims that there is “a little duty ashore” that he needs to attend to. (Again, you COULD argue that we shouldn’t take that claim seriously, but I’m not going to do that because that approach to fiction seems silly and pointless to me.) Contrast this with Ishmael: after his name (or maybe that should be “name”), the first thing we ever learn about him is that he habitually goes to sea specifically for the purpose of “driving off the spleen and regulating the circulation,” which, we soon learn, is basically a euphemistic way of saying “preventing his own suicide.” Both of them take action to keep themselves alive, but in precisely opposite ways: Ishmael, by escaping to the sea; Queequeg, by remembering the land. There are a lot of differences between Ishmael and Queequeg that are just the neutral result of them being two different people with different backgrounds, but this isn’t one of them. I totally get where Ishmael is coming from when he says “If they but knew it, almost all men in their degree, some time or other, cherish very nearly the same feelings towards the ocean with me,” but the fact of the matter is that humans are land animals and it is very much not healthy or normal to need to escape human civilization, repeatedly, sometimes for years on end, just to keep yourself alive (😢). Ishmael has that problem. Queequeg doesn’t.

Thinking about this difference—how the sea is Ishmael’s last defense against death, and land, or rather society, which is on land, is Queequeg’s—led me to think back on Queequeg’s history as related by Ishmael in “Biographical.” He, like Ishmael, leaves home alone to see the world, but for him, it was an active desire, not a coping mechanism. Furthermore, I could be wrong, but I don’t ever recall Ishmael expressing a desire to see or accomplish something specific. In “Loomings,” he expresses a desire simply to “see the watery part of the world,” and in “The Ship,” he tells Peleg, “I want to see what whaling is. I want to see the world.” I believe him, but that’s a very vague goal. It’s the goal of someone who doesn’t have a lot of direction in their life, a goal, in Ishmael’s case, born of desperation. Contrast this with Queequeg: he experienced “a wild desire to visit Christendom” and “to learn among the Christians, the arts whereby to make his people still happier than they were.” Not only is that a specific goal, the goal of someone with a sense of purpose and of self, it’s a goal that will enrich not only himself but his community. Queequeg wanted to see the world, but with the ultimate goal of coming home. The only reason he hasn’t done so yet (which I guess makes it the only reason he met Ishmael in the first place) is because “he was fearful Christianity, or rather Christians, had unfitted him for ascending the pure and undefiled throne of thirty pagan Kings before him.” Not only is he a lot more stable than Ishmael, he’s also part of a community that he cares deeply about and wants to improve. He isn’t just running away all the time. “Queequeg in His Coffin” ties Queequeg’s persistent will to live with his will to be part of society. Ishmael has neither of those things, at least not consistently, but for a while, he at least has Queequeg to ground him the way the on-land world (on-shore world? you know what I mean) grounds Queequeg.

Those last few sentences sound harsh, but I swear I’m NOT trying to criticize Ishmael; he is the love of my life and we do not know what has happened in his past that has led him to this point but we can assume it’s something and that he’s not just being edgy for the sake of being edgy. My point is just to show how he and Queequeg contrast with each other and how Queequeg is exactly what Ishmael needs and also just a really cool and admirable guy in his own right. While working on this post I actually hit upon another really interesting aspect to their relationship, but I’ll make a separate post about that. 

ALSO!!! While working on this post, I realized that Ishmael and Queequeg have even more in common with a certain other ship of mine than I previously realized. But I’m gonna hold off on specifying who that other ship is, since I have a tiny, silly lil thing in the works that will establish that parallel :)

[iphisesque]

im humbly asking for more 1800s disaster bisexual booker headcanons because i love him very much

and who wouldn't love our favourite depressed bisexual traitorous son. he is so iconic

Nicky and Joe are his conscious gay awakening (take a look at that Marwan gifset and tell me he didn't get butterflies in his stomach when he first saw him shirtless), but before that he'd probably had a massive crush or two on a few of his fellow Napoleonic soldiers. he only realizes once he's recounting his past life to someone and he's like wait that was actually lowkey gay

he and Andy were each other's rebounds for Quynh and his wife respectively, but they never made it far as an item -- I saw a post saying like "just because they worked well together in bed doesn't mean they were healthy or good together in the long run, which was especially evident since the only other couple around were Nicky and Joe" and I totally agree

the Parisian Belle Époque brought forth a whole new array of experiences for him, especially since he'd just decided to stop drowning his sexuality in alcohol (the one thing he actually willingly faced head-on). I'm not naming any names but he dies of the French disease a couple of times and it totally has nothing to do with a couple of can-can dancers and a certain world-reowned artist at the Moulin Rouge

he's like hm. this might just kill me dead for real if I do it enough times. and that's how he ends up ~using sex as a coping mechanism~ please go to therapy im begging u

one free night they're at a club and Booker is fully lost in the sauce and Nicky and Joe are having fun and chatting with people that will soon enough become historical figures and reminiscing about how much their past lover Antonio Ranieri would have loved this place

and Booker is like "by the way you two are like super hot"and they're like "thanks king 😌✨" and he's like that tweet that goes "no I'm not saying it to compliment ye I'm saying it to shag ye"

at which point Nicky and Joe have a very serious conversation about boundaries. "he's French Yusuf I don't know if I can do it" "we can make him speak Italian habibi" "holy shit you're right"

so they do it. a bunch of times probably since as I said Nicky and Joe are lowkey vibing with the bohémien lifestyle and Booker is now a hoe

Andy catches him sneaking out of N&J's room once and he's like "Andy I think I like guys" and she's like "shit I never would have guessed by the way you stare at Joe's chest when you're sparring"

anyways it all ends when he catches a glimpse of Nicky and Joe cuddling/being tender™ and realizes maybe sleeping with an established couple to cope with being a depressed widower was not the best idea

[daz4i]

💜

ty legend!!!!!! 💜

my brain is like “if i don’t talk abt how much i love sakusa right now i WILL cry” so guess i’ll just ramble abt my boy. i don’t have anything interesting to say that isn’t just deconstruction of canon in a sense and very different from my usual rambles so uuuuuh tldr i love omi and chapter 394 means a lot to me

manga spoilers under the cut

ok. so. one very cool and sexy thing about him is how he remembers everything???? literally the first time he met hinata when he joined msby he talked abt something that happened 6 years ago and he barely had any reason to remember in the first place. like damn

also i think the whole thing about how he thinks abt hinata and hoshi like “they didn’t get lucky with their body types” is partially bc he really took ushijima’s “i got lucky” words to heart, and he feels that way about himself too! and he’s right. self aware king

i think in addition to the whole being lucky thing ofc he worked hard. like. we see him do intense and super long spiking drills to make sure he’s doing his best, and his nature never half-assing anything definitely played part in it

speaking of. his thing with having to finish everything. relatable king. one of the reasons i hc him as autistic and i won’t be surprised if it’s one of the reasons ppl hc him to have ocd. solidarity

ANYWAY one thing i see ppl maybe kinda misinterpreting abt him is how they think he hates people? which. i guess if you really simplify things you could phrase it like that. but it’s not exactly right 

we know he grew up p lonely, not much family around to show him proper affection i’m assuming, and no friends other than his cousin which def contributed to that

also, mixing in his fear of germs, obviously it’s hard being in places with lots of people, or touching them, or interacting with anyone who doesn’t take care of their hygiene or with people who won’t respect his boundaries (bc like. saying this as an autistic person. i totally get that last part, and we even know more or less what a good chunk of sakusa’s boundaries are bc of his fear of germs)

sooooo you end up getting a man who might pass off as “rude” and “unsociable” but really he’s just taking care of himself yknow? he’s perfectly valid to hate crowds, to wear a mask in public, to be disgusted by people leaving the bathroom without washing their hands etc etc

but! that’s a big but! most of it is related to strangers, not his own friends  (and that’s also why he befriended people like ushijima and iizuna!! bc he knew they’re “safe”)!! like one fanon pet peeve i have is when ppl make him to be rude to his own teammates for example when. listen

one scene i see used as example of him being ~cold~ or ~mean~ is the first time we see him post timeskip, in the monster generation reunion, the whole “you’d better have gotten your flu shots” thing. part of why he might pass this way is atsumu’s dramatic reaction to it if anything tbh

idk if nts get this but. this is him showing concern/worry? 3 of his teammates are there so obviously he doesn’t want them to get sick, also his long-time friend (ushijima) whom he obviously cares for. there’s no malice in what he says. he shows that he cares through making sure these people are okay and healthy

other occasions is when,, what? he calls people out on doing something dumb? i def don’t think he’s trying to be rude, only adhering to rules of basic manners and trying to keep them from embarrassing themselves and through it the entire team

like. he’s just direct! that’s a good thing!!!! pls leave my man alone he’s not rude he’s just different from you

(also other ppl pointed this out before but. the scene where he lies on the ground with hinata next to him! is a good example that he feels comfortable enough with other people, as long as they respect his boundaries!! hinata isn’t touching him or sitting too close, but they’re still together! and some time later he’s trash talking with atsumu so they’re clearly friends too! like he doesn’t hate people he just shows love, kindness, and caring in his own unique way!!!!!! real king shit!!!!!)

one aspect of him that i noticed i personally fixate on a lot when it comes to characterizing him is his need for control, if anything

the go-to scenes for that is p much any time we see him behave according to his fear of germs really. but they’re not the only ones!!

it’s like what i mentioned, teammates about to do something embarrassing for example. unless he stops them in time, he’s losing his control over the situation.

his whole thing with never leaving anything unfinished, definitely playing part in it. i totally get it too tbh. if you leave, for example, a puzzle unfinished, people can come and touch it, move things around from where you last left them, put in pieces before you do, etc. 

if he’s got a goal he decided on ahead of time - 1000 spike drills? - and he reaches it, he’s had full control of the situation from start to finish.

it’s a good coping mechanism tbh, esp when you’re going to inevitably feel out of control (which is very likely when you’re touch averted but still interact with people, hate crowds but obviously have to go through them, etc etc)

that’s also probably another reason why itachiyama’s loss in nationals left a mark on him, i think? like. he’s thinking about it 6 years later in the middle of a game during his professional career. and ik it’s bc it’s a story device but shhhh. 

but yeah! the whole “even though we practiced everything like we were supposed to”, and seeing a captain he admired crumble and cry over this unexpected loss too. these are both rough things to go through, i think. still, as he said, he didn’t have anything to regret about it because there was not much else he could do anyway. still, i doubt it didn’t hurt

but i think that’s what makes that special thing™ about him all the most interesting and symbolic! his flexible wrists and the way he uses them! such a good way to have more control than others in this game!!!! he can control parts of himself that others can’t!!!!! he’s got full control!!!! woah!!!!!!! yeah this counts as symbolism bc i said so :D 

but this is also part of where his behaviour is coming from! like, it’s hard to keep control over a situation that involves more people. you can’t control other people. they behave in unexpected ways, some of these ways may not align with your personal needs. ofc you’d be cautious in those situations if control is something you need! 

aaaaaah anyway yeah, this isn’t going anywhere nor is there a point, i just love him omg. stan sakusa kiyoomi for a clear skin and a good 2021

[in-tua-deep]

4, 15, 25!!

4. total number of words you wrote this year

o heck UHHHH from the primary three google docs i use to write:   96129 +  14758 +  6725 =  117,612 words

That’s only for actual Actual fics that i have sequestered away in my google docs though hmm the count would be,, a whole lot higher if you also included my rambling on the au masterlist, plenty of which do have actual drabbles hidden inside them?

this is also only counting the umbrella academy content lmao i’m not going to go and count up my cat roleplay words or my magic and monsters world from my other blog or, god forbid, the words from all the numerous essays i’ve had to write this year

seriously when did this blog even start. what is the birthday of this blog??

15.  something you learned this year

About writing or just in general? I guess I learned that it’s okay to take care of myself instead of worrying what people are gonna think if I just vanish for a few weeks at a time lmao

I definitely learned that I make lots of spelling errors and mistakes in my writing and that just yeeting it into the abyss is fun but I always inevitably read back through it and make little edits later because i’m a Fool

I learned. a lot about the DSM? I can now list off the criteria for PTSD from memory which is kind of cool but also why Dr. Essman. Why do you hate us like this. 

25. a fic you read this year you would recommend everyone read

HMM recommendations...

For star wars i liked shifting sands and have you heard (we could have had a stormtrooper revolution y’all. we could have had it all.) and i genuinely can’t wait for fialleril to start publishing anabasis, i don’t think it’s up yet but you can read snippets on their blog! i love all their lore and worldbuilding tbh

UHHH all the retold fairytales that shanastoryteller does i recommend reading - i love seeing where things go and the word choice and sentence structures?? i would die for them tbh, and gods and monsters (a retelling of greek mythos) is absolutely fantastic and a good one to read and read again

for atla I mean i’ll always recommend embers but i’m excited to see where salvage goes. i haven’t even seen stargate atlantis but i really enjoy this crossover fic with atla, the dragon king’s temple?

if we’re going old school then I really liked this naruto fic what you knead because Kakashi is my fav and he deserves healthy coping mechanisms and ear to the wall bc i’m secretly very fond of time travel fics

I liked this person of interest fic bc it was cute - you got your reviewer in my assassinchef because i rewatched that show this year sort of (i never finish it but i get pretty far usually)

this leverage fic, audience: 822,000 and homeland security, was really cute and I love the ot3 of eliot, hardison, and parker bless i need to rewatch leverage again

finally for umbrella academy (the content you’re all here for) I really enjoyed breathe, come and pick me up, along the corridor and up the stairs (i love all ur fics but this one has a special place in my heart), taking it slow (that’s how it goes), there are stones in my stomach and worms on my plate (i lied before it’s this one that has the most special place in my heart), traumaversary, this years love, the sky weeps series, and many many more but this is already getting long and i’m pretty sure the prompt was only supposed to be one fic oops

[human-trash-fire]

Beautiful Disaster: Chapter 5 (Pynch Soulmate AU)

Alrighty my loves, this chapter has been a labor of love from the beginning. As you continue reading you will see art pieces and each is correlated with a song (those will be at the end), and references yet again will be made to the EMFS playlist (Ronan’s rehab playlist- I’ve actually made it on spotify! you can find it here)

As usual you can find this story on Ao3 @ glam_reaper 2 if you’re interested <3

TW: Mention of suicide attempt, a panic attack though not super descriptive, cannon typical language.

Iv.

You,

I made a friend last week.

I know for most people that wouldn’t be a big deal, but I assume by now You understand what that means for someone like me. I guess “friend” may be a generous term? I don’t know if we are there yet, Blue definitely disagrees with him “on principle.” 

You see, President Cellphone as she calls him, or Richard Campbell Gansey III (I know, what a douchey fucking name) is all boat shoes and privledge and perfect teeth. Gansey isn’t someone I’d normally associate with mind you, Henry kind of met my quota for rich extroverts in the inner circle, and yet…

So, here’s the story. I’m writing my last letter right? And I was so fucking lost. I decided to walk home from Nino’s- I thought maybe it would help me settle. And there, right around the corner is this fucking ‘73 camero. It should have been beautiful, really.. A classic like that? It’s a dream to look at. Only this fucking thing is the UGLIEST color of candy orange you could ever imagine… And it’s blowing smoke all over the damn place. I was honestly going to leave boat-shoes to call his daddy or mechanic or what have you, but he looked so confused. I offered to help him out and was able to get it running long enough to get to Boyd’s.

I expected him to just drop off “The Pig” (the car) like any normal person and come back for it, only I apparently made “quite the impression.”

Gansey ended up staying with me, prattling on about his Masters History program and some welsh king the ENTIRE time I worked on the damn car. At first I was tuning him out, but without realizing it I became completely entranced by the whole story. I’ve never seen such passion for anything, and I have VERY spirited friends.

He has one of those voices you know? The kind that can stop a room, raise an army, lead a nation. The kind that demands to be heard without ever having to raise itself.

That’s Gansey though.

I think he’ll be good for me, I don’t think he’d give me much of a choice in the matter though to be honest. He kind of adopted me this week? That should bother me and yet, being around him is just… It’s being included. It’s a sense of purpose.

I think he needs it too, he doesn’t seem to talk about negative things but you can tell, he’s haunted by something. That’s what solidified it for me really. He may be a senator’s son but he’s seen some shit. 

I wish you could have met him, I wonder if you would have been as intrigued by him as I find myself. 

Blue is being a total idiot about him, but I’m about 82% sure it’s because she is into him. I know for sure the feeling is mutual. It took Gans approximately 15 minutes after meeting Blue to ask me for her life story, offend her beyond measure, and then haul ass out of Nino’s. It was the first time I’d seriously laughed in so long. Have you ever been second-hand embarrassed for someone? It was that. 

I’m going to wrap this up now though, I need to head to Nino’s for my shift, Blue’s working so of course Gans is stopping by. He said he’s bringing one of his best friends with him, some dude named Noah. Apparently he’s pretty cool, so I’m moderately less apprehensive. He said he wished he could bring his other best friend/ his and Noah’s third roommate but the guy is staying with family for a few months or something. Idk? He doesn’t talk about the other roommate much. I honestly don’t even think he’s ever said his name. Who gives a shit though, I can barely handle one new friend, let alone a 3-pack of Ganseys. Good God… I hope Noah isn’t another Gansey…. Fuck.

Welp.

Here goes nothing.

*****

It started with a not-so-subtle idea from the esteemed Dr. Allen. “Show me what happened.” Ronan was never great with words before all this, and since… When he spoke it was usually a litany of curse words. So Dr. Allen had suggested art. In the weeks since his entombment in this fine rehabilitation center, Ronan had kind of already been doing what he was being asked to do now. Though, he didn’t mention it to Allen. He’d spent countless hours sketching his life, the whole thing, in snapshots inside that beautiful leather sketchbook Gansey had given him. 

He started at the beginning, pictures of Aurora and his brothers, the Barns, his father playing guitar by the fire. He drew their family vacations, the cows he used to sneak out and sleep beside when he was a child, the feeling of winning the Tennis State Championship when he was 15. He drew the bad things too, his nightmares, his drug-trips, that old stained couch in the basement of Kavinsky’s house. He put every piece of himself, all 22 years of memories down in that book, woven together with song lyrics in the margins. 

So when Dr. Allen asked him to look specifically to his addiction and create, he didn’t see a problem. He needed to return to school with a series anyways, Declan had called to inform him that strings had been pulled to allow him to finish his final semester at Georgetown, but he needed to walk in with something to show at the January exhibition. Two birds, and all that.

He settled on 7 pieces, each done in oils on canvas, each accompanied by a song. 7 moments in the life of his battle with addiction, from the beginning to now. With each stroke of his brush he felt infinesmally lighter, pouring his grief into the images before him. 

It started with “The Fall.” His father’s murder in reds and greys; fracturing lines and deep shadows. He mixed his paints with tears and used his heart to drag color across the canvas. For the first time in years, Ronan allowed the memory to consume him. He’d re-lived it plenty of times in his nightmares, but this was different. His hands shook, jagged strokes of anger and confusion bleeding through. He painted the brief moment, the final moment, when his world was whole before his teenage mind finally realized what it was he was looking at. His last free breath. And he painted his screams, the cacophony of pain, endlessly mixing with sirens until his vocal chords gave out. 

He drowned the canvas in un-kept promises and hung it out to dry with childhood dreams.

Then came “Chasing the Void.” It was a story told in stark lighting. High beams on a backroad, swirling smoke and broken bottles. It was white glasses and white-powder lines on shark-nosed hood. It was going 115mph, bones rattling with the beat of the bass in his sound system. Ronan painted a black tattoo, used the blood on his knuckles to tint bloodshot eyes. His brush moved with his mother’s disappointment and his brother’s anger. Whimsical lines and Gansey’s head shaking when he found Ronan passed out yet again. He painted the highs and lows when sobriety reminded him that he hated the face that stared back at him in the mirror. 

Each new piece he added to the collection was brought to Dr. Allen’s office. Together they worked through each memory associated with the piece and slowly Ronan felt the weight on his chest lighten. 

Gansey visited every Monday and Friday like clockwork. He kept Ronan apprised to all the goings on of Monmouth and updates on Matthew and Declan. Ronan never asked for them, but he appreciated it regardless. His current obsession though seemed to be a new friend, Adam something. He had been going on for 30 minutes now about how this man single-handedly raised the Pig from the dead. Ronan tuned out most of the conversation, but nodded at what he assumed were appropriate moments while sketching.

“Ronan, are you even paying attention?” Gansey asked, irritation only slightly evident.

“Mmm?” Ronan hummed. “For sure. Pig. Smoke. Some new guy.”

“Essentially. I was saying that Noah and I are heading to his second job, the man works 2 jobs and is getting a masters can you believe it? Anyways Nino’s, so Noah can finally meet him and Blue. Have I mentioned her yet?” 

Blue? He thought. Who the fuck names their kid Blue. “Once or twice.”

“Well they both work this afternoon, so I assume we’ll just hang there until they get off. Then maybe grab a bite. I wish you could come, I’m sure you’d get along nicely with Adam.” Gansey said, choosing to ignore the previous sarcasm and barrell on. Excelsior. 

“Doubt it.” Guy sounds like a douche.

“On that note, thank you for another lovely visit. I’ll see you Monday, Ronan.” Gansey gathered his coat and made his way to the door with a final wave.

Ronan waved back with a single finger and a saccharine “Bye, Dick.” Then shoved his Airpods back into his ears and lost himself in the EMFS playlist.

*****

As Adam gathered the tub of dirty dishes from above the trash and made his way back to wash them, he was lost in thought. These last two weeks, recent events, had been so much and yet he strangely was beginning to feel some semblance of peace. He knew that Blue had wanted him to write letters to help him cope. If he was admitting to it helping, he also needed to be honest with himself in noting that it may have been hurting just as much. He was falling in love with a ghost. A figment of his imagination that he could tell his every secret too, someone who listened without judgment; Someone who never asked more of him than he could handle. It wasn’t healthy, wasn’t what Blue had intended, of that he was sure. But, if it brought him peace and allowed him to sleep without seeing cold, dead eyes, then what was the harm?

He rinsed the mugs and plates loading them efficiently into the dishwasher, and dried his hands. As he moved to toss the towel into the bin, he heard the bell chime above the cafe door. He made his way slowly to the front, knowing that Blue was currently handling the register meant that he didn’t need to rush. On his way down the hallway he stopped to straighten a missing cat flier on the community bulletin board, taking a moment to snap a picture of the cat in question so he could be on the lookout, then continued toward the front; eyes glued to his phone.

He rounded the corner towards the coffee bar to the tune of laughter, it seemed Gansey had arrived. His eyes found Blue first. For all her insistance that she loathed the man in question, she was positively glowing, head tossed back in a hearty laugh. Lost in the bubble of charm Gansey operated in. 

“-And so I asked him, mind you I’ve had a lot to drink at this point, ‘Hey senator, why do you fucking hate poor peo-‘ Oh! Adam” Ganseys story of embarrassing his mother at one of her Republican fundraisers interrupted, as he caught sight of Adam sliding behind the bar.

“Hey Gans,” He smiled. 

“My apologies, this is Noah.” Gansey stepped to the side to reveal the man in question, and Adam’s breath stopped. 

There, eyes blue and wide with shock, mouth agape stood the man from the alley. The one whose scream still haunted Adam in the dark, solitary hours of sleep. The one that began his every nightmare of that night.

He was different now, tears weren’t pouring from his eyes to dance across the plains of his smudgey face. His blonde hair free of blood was slightly tousled, and his clothes were clean, albeit a little disheveled. 

“No,” the word was a broken noise, barely a word at all, closer to a sob. Gansey and Blue looked frantically between the two for what seemed like an eternity before Noah spoke.

“It’s you…” 

“Who? Noah, you know Adam?” Gansey’s voice was quietly confused.

Adam began to shake his head slowly, increasing with speed as his breath finally returned to him; Erratic and wild. Crocodile tears blurred his vision, and he finally croaked a simple question, “What… What was his name?”

“Ronan.”

“Oh, god” Blue breathed. 

Adam ran, desperately fleeing the scene and chorus of his name called from the front. Ronan, his name was Ronan. Adam couldn’t breathe. His pain fresh, an un-mendable wound reopened now that he had a name to grieve. He paused, only long enough to grab his messenger bag from the back, and took the alley door. 

Then he ran, faster than he’d ever remembered running. Tears turning the colors of the world around him to a haunting watercolor. His breath came in painful stabs, each beat of his bleeding heart an excruciating truth.

He somehow made it back to his apartment. The moment the door closed behind him he fell against it and slid to the floor. Ronan Ronan Ronan-

“R-Ronan.” He spoke the name the first time aloud, the feeling of its weight on his tongue was an answer to a question he’d been asking for a month. For a lifetime.

Adam didn’t know how long he sat on the floor, grief taking time and twisting it in on itself. An amalgam of pain, hopelessness, and questions. Gansey, Gansey knew Ronan, knew Noah. Noah the boy he’d last seen carted away in the back of an ambulance covered in red red red. Noah, who’d screamed for help like the world was shattering. Noah, who’d clung tightly to the shredded arms of a bleeding man in a dark alley.

Help me, his mind screamed, his internal voice morphing into Noah’s from that night. 

Help me, I’m not okay…

A key twisting in the lock above his head brought his attention to the present. Adam pushed away from the door, and waited as Blue made her way into his dark apartment. Night had fallen sometime since he’d been here, on the floor, lost in the alley. Lost in a name.

“Hey,” she whispered.

“Th-that was-”

“I know. Noah told us after you left. Adam, there’s… Adam. I need to tell you something.”

It was a concentrated effort to drag his gaze from the space between their bodies on the floor to meet her eyes. Lights from the street poured through the window in the living room, painting Blue’s honey warm skin in a haunting glow. He couldn’t bring himself to ask, so he waited. He watched. She brought a trembling hand to his, her brown eyes lined with silver, she squeezed.

“Adam, he’s alive.” 

A sob born of heartbreak and pain tore from his chest, he couldn’t form words. He broke then, completely and wholly. Blue came to cradle his head against her chest as he cried. Every hope he’d killed since the alley came barreling to the surface; All the pain and confusion, love and questions, beating like waves against the shores of his mind. Some minutes later he finally raised his head and met Blue’s eyes, her smile was wet and broken. He dragged his hand under his nose, across his eyes, and finally found the word to the question he needed to ask. “How?”

So Blue told him. Apparently, him finding Noah and Ronan in that alley, the tourniquet he’d made of his scarf, that extra minute he’d bought him had been enough. The doctors were able to stitch his wounds, and though it had been a close call, he’d pulled through. She explained that he’d had a hard life, though Gansey wouldn’t give details because he insisted those were Ronan’s to share when he was ready. He did however give her basic facts. Ronan Niall Lynch is an artist, a senior at Georgetown. He’s an orphan, and a brother. He’s an addict in recovery at a facility in Arlington, and Gansey’s third roommate. 

Blue explained that, when Adam was ready Gansey and Noah wanted to meet with him, to talk more. She offered to accompany him when that time came, but they all agreed they wouldn’t push him until he was ready. “Thank you,” he’d said to Blue. For getting the information. For telling him. For allowing him space. She understood that his history made this difficult, an addict for a soulmate was something he would need time to process. She eventually asked if he wanted to be alone and when he’d told her “yes” she kissed his forehead, and made her way to the door.

“Adam,” she paused, and he looked up. “We’ll wait on your text okay? Whenever you’re ready. But please check in so I know you’re safe.”

“I will.”

With a perfunctory nod she slid back out the door. 

Adam spent another minute in silence before dragging himself from the floor. He made his way in a daze to his desk and he collapsed into his chair. Slowly, he pulled out a blank sheet of paper. 

His hand shook.

He took a deep breath.

He wrote.

V

Ronan,

You’re alive…

**********************

Art Pieces and their correlating songs (linked):

“The Fall”  The War- SYML

“Chase The Void”  For What It’s Worth- Malia J

[vapidsoup]

anxiety coping mechanisms!

hey guys lately i’ve been relapsing on my panic disorder bc i moved to a new city for uni. nowadays, i feel like i’ve improved a lot since the first day of the move, and i’d like to make a wholesome and hopefully helpful post about things that have helped me calm down during these tough times. if you suffer from anxiety, depression or panic disorders, maybe test these out and see if it helps! we should all stick together and try to help each other during our difficult moments in life, after all! Oh, and please please please feel free to add your own coping mechanisms!! i’d love to hear some more helpful advice! So, without further ado:

when i am anxious I:

Distract myself with skill-focused hobbies. When I was younger and had panic attacks, simply reading my favorite book would help calm me down. Nowadays, I can’t seem to focus on reading when I’m anxious so it’s no longer helpful. Instead, my brain needs an activity which forces it to reallocate its thought process completely, so doing something that requires focus, quick thinking or your total attention is preferable. For me, I find this in drawing, difficult video games, puzzles, or podcasts, but it could be anything that forces you to shift mental gears.

Spend time with loved ones. This one is not always helpful depending on how bad the anxiety is, but I found effective when I can feel it creeping up. Talking to your mother or father, siblings, or of course friends can also help distract from negative feelings. Don’t just talk! Do an activity together, like playing a board game, signing karaoke, even going out together if you feel bold enough. If you surround yourself with supportive and entertaining people, sometimes you may not even notice your anxiety melt away.

Consume positive media. Say you’re too antsy to leave the house or even talk to anyone. That’s totally okay. Sometimes, all you need to start feeling better is your laptop! Watching a funny show has really helped calm me down because it’s a positive experience. I find that stories and music with dark, depressing and negative tones only serve to feed my anxiety. AVOID NEGATIVE VIBES! Stand-up comedy, happy/energetic songs, or even vine compilations can help turn your mood around. During my first week alone, I rewatched 6 seasons of the office. It helped a lot, believe it or not! If you have a friend to watch it with, even better.

Mind my breathing. This is the oldest trick in the book and yet I forget to control my breathing every time. If you find yourself on the verge of or during a panic attack, take deep, regulated breaths. Don’t think about anything else. Just in. And out. In. And out. Concentrate on breathing deeply and regularly for as long as you have to.

Take a shower or bath. A surprisingly helpful trick, in my experience. Warm, soothing water can help calm you down. Washing yourself is also a good physical distraction, especially when movements are repeated, like scrubbing your hair. Lose yourself to the task!

If possible, stay in a comforting environment. This could be just me, but my thoughts are at their worst when it’s nighttime. That’s why I like to stay in a brightly illuminated space when I’m feeling bad. It’s not much, but it does help. I find great comfort in my room, so staying in my comfy bed with stuffed animals has helped calm me down.

Make stuff up! This doesn’t apply to everyone, but I have found that creation has been an excellent means of coping with anxiety. If you are the creative type (regardless of any assumed skill), I strongly encourage you to think of projects you would like to do, and develop them. Are you into writing? Try thinking of a story you would like to tell! A poem you could write! Musician? Try writing some lyrics or even compose your own piece! Artist? Daydream about your dream projects. I would personally recommend working on a story. This entails world-building, characters, plot, settings, specific scenes. most of the ideas I’ve had for stories, tv shows, video games and comic books were born and developed been during times of mental crisis. Whether it’s a script, painting, youtube video, or melody, try to unleash the creator within. It is an astoundingly effective distraction.

And most importantly,

Remember that this, too, shall pass. This simple thought has been the most important aid when dealing with my panic disorder. When I was 10, I went through a terrible time, mentally, and had panic attacks nearly every day. My mother would always tell me the story of a wise king, adored by all and renowned for his seemingly perfect mind. When asked by his subjects the secret to his leadership skills, he pointed at the ring he wore on his finger. Engraved in it were the words “this, too, shall pass.” Whenever he felt powerful and invincible, the ring reminded him to think of the future and prepare for adversities. And when he felt powerless, hopeless, alone, utterly despaired, the ring was a reminder that everything is temporary. One day, things will get better, it could even be tomorrow. So he should never give up the fight because nothing is forever. That story really resonated with me. At my worst, I have to tell myself “This will pass. These emotions are strong and seem like the end of me, but soon I’ll feel better and know that this is nothing.” And sure enough, when the panic passes (because it ALWAYS passes), I think “now I can see how much better I feel. The next time I feel anxious, I must remember how I feel right now, and know that I will feel this way again.” So, when you think the situation is hopeless, know that this, too, shall pass.

These are only some of the tricks I’ve used throughout my whole life to get through panic attacks. Notice how most of these tips are about distracting yourself from the anxiety. During panic attacks or anxious bouts, obsessing over whatever problems you may have, even if they seem urgent or inescapable, rarely helps. The goal of these exercises are to help put you in a different, more reasonable state of mind, which you can later use to tackle adversities in a realistic and healthy way. So really, it’s all about letting yourself breathe, cool down and reset.

So, I hope that this silly post has helped! I wish you all the best!

[suits-of-woe]

Hi! Multiples of 4 for Edmund on the headcanon ask??? Thank you so much!❤️

Thank you!!! I know I never shut up about my boy, thank you for continuing to enable me. This is gonna be really, really long I can’t wait…

I’ll tag @princess-of-france too :)

4. What would they do if they needed to make dinner but the kitchen was busy?

I don’t really feel like Edmund cooks. He’s practical but he’s also rich and has better things to do, so I imagine his diet is like 50% black coffee and energy bars he keeps stashed around the house and 50% super expensive meals he manages to make other people pay for. So in that case he’d probably just eat one of the aforementioned energy bars (or ask some even-richer woman out to dinner for the night, cause he’s like that).

8. Favorite indulgence and feelings surrounding indulging

Oh man. Sex. SO much sex. To the point where it’s a legitimate problem, even though he doesn’t see it as one. The thing is, I don’t think he’s super pro-indulgence as a rule – in fact, he probably looks down on people who don’t have good self-control, especially when it comes to things that are proven to be bad, like over-eating or smoking or things like that. But sex doesn’t fall into that category for him, all the reasons he’s been told to avoid it he sees as moralist bullshit, and it’s fun and it’s not hurting anyone so fuck you, why shouldn’t he do it? The issue is deep down sex is also a huge coping mechanism for him, and the only way he knows how to deal with his intense obsession with affection without just 100% repressing it all the time or, worse, being emotionally vulnerable. But I don’t think he realizes how much it’s become a psychological need for him, and how hard it would be to stop. It’s not that he couldn’t stop, he’d say. It’s just that stopping is exactly what all those moralist assholes he hates would want him to do, so why should he?

12. Favorite book genre?

Edgy social commentary probs. I don’t picture Edmund really being the type to read much fiction, but at the same time, I think certain books mean a lot to him. He’s spent his whole life concealing his controversial views on religion, fate, society, sex, basically everything from Gloucester (and to a lesser extent Edgar) in favor of putting on the guise of a perfect traditionally moral son so I think being able to deal with all those hidden ideas through reading about then would really help. He’s probably got a whole hidden stash somewhere in his room he knows his father will never find.

16. Biggest and smallest long term goal?

His biggest long term goal is just to rise to the top as much as he can. I don’t think he’s the kind of person who likes to set limits on his own ambition – he looks at opportunities one step at a time, but if the doors keep opening, who is he to stop? If he can be Gloucester’s heir? Great. If he can overthrow Gloucester entirely? Better. If he can become king? Best of all, but hell, even then he might not stop. Smallest? Ummm idk maybe get his space totally organized. I feel like he’s the kind of person whose organization never quite catches up with his work, and he always says he’s got better things to do than shuffle papers around, but it secretly kind of drives him crazy so he’d like to be totally neat someday.

20. Childhood illnesses? Any interesting stories behind them?

I imagine Edmund has always been pretty robust and healthy (unlike Edgar, probably) and never really got sick that often, even as a kid. That said, on the rare occasion that he did, I think it was a really bad time for him. Cause like I’ve talked about a million times I think Edmund is very driven by his constant deep need for affection, but it’s the kind of thing he can usually repress on a day-to-day basis as long as all his inhibitions are intact. When they aren’t intact, 9 times out of 10 it’s because he’s drunk/high, which is almost always in some kind of party setting, which means he’s pretty much guaranteed to be able to find someone to at least make out with for a bit to make those feelings go away. But if he’s sick enough to be feverish, it’s pretty much the only time he’s both emotionally uninhibited and unable to use sex as a coping mechanism, and it doesn’t go well. Plus with Edgar being more fragile (and, in my headcanon, his mother dying from sickness at an early age too) Gloucester pretty much keeps all members of the family away from him for fear of anything spreading, so he’s pretty much all alone and left with all that unadulterated loneliness he’s not used to feeling half this much and it’s bad. It’s really bad. He tries not to think about it.

24. Is there one subject of study that they excel at? Or do they even care about intellectual pursuits at all?

He’s honestly ahead of the curve in pretty much every subject. He’s a brilliant silver-tongued wordsmith, he’s a super logic and evidence-driven thinker which I think would make him great at math and science, he’s athletic too, and just generally sharp and good at picking up new things. The only thing I think he’d be bad at is any interpretation of art (and to a lesser extent literature) because I think he’d get too frustratingly literal about it – it’s just lines on a page, dammit, it doesn’t mean anything, people will try to find patterns out of anything but the real world is meaningless and there’s nothing really there. In terms of what interests him the most though, it’s politics, which is what drives him insane because that’s the one thing he’ll never be allowed to pursue.

28. Who do they see as their best friend? Their worst enemy?

Depends on the era of his life. I don’t think he has anyone he considers even a real friend, let alone a best friend, when we see him in the play. When he was younger he would have said Edgar, but that ship sailed a long time ago. Now, he doesn’t really do genuine friendship. There are people he likes, but no one he wouldn’t throw under the bus in a heartbeat if that’s what it took. Similarly, I think he tries not to see anyone as his worst enemy. It’s the world that’s his enemy, and society, and it’s a matter of a lot more than taking down one person to beat that. But really, I think it’s Gloucester he hates more than anyone. That part of the plan is more personal than he’d probably admit.

32. Thoughts on material possessions in general?

He’s not big on them…until they become something he can’t have. Like he’s certainly not the overly-sentimental type to hang onto things he doesn’t need, and I think he sees a lot of material wealth and status symbols as really inherently shallow. But the second those shallow wealth and status symbols are denied him, or used to mark him as lesser, then he’ll be damned if he’s not getting his hands on them if it’s the last thing he does.

36. What makes them feel guilty?

People actually loving and respecting him on their own, not because he manipulated them or did them favors or somehow cheated to get their approval. So much of how he justifies everything he does is the fact that, as a bastard, he thinks he’ll never have half a shot at the advantages everyone else gets, so if he wants anyone to approve of him or admire him or show him affection he has to manipulate the hell out of them (or the situation in general) to get it. He’s convinced himself it’s the only way, so when that’s proven wrong, it rocks his world. There’s a reason “Yet Edmund was belov’d” comes the line before finally changes his mind and tries to do something good.

40. Would you say that they have a superiority-complex? Inferiority-complex? Neither?

Both? One? Or neither? Neither can be en- just kidding it’s BOTH and it’s a problem. He’s been looked down on his entire life for being a bastard and that cuts deep, it always has, no matter how hard he tries to shrug it off. He’ll never really get rid of the idea that he’s lesser, or at least everyone considers him lesser, so he has to claw his way to every bit of advantage and approval he can get. But he also really believes that birth means nothing, that merit and intelligence and survival of the fittest should determine who rises to the top, and in that respect…he maybe overcompensated. Because he also manages to be a raging narcissist who thinks he’s smarter than everyone around him (to be fair, he mostly is) and is entitled to anything he can win for himself.

44. Religion?

MY EDGY ATHEIST KING. I think he’s super anti-religion, and anti-spirituality even more so – just anything that involves people blaming their fates or their decisions on forces out of their control or pretending like anything is just “meant to be” makes him incredibly angry. That does fall under the category of things he won’t admit to preserve his image though, he’ll grit his teeth through whatever religious proceedings are required of him if it’s to his advantage.

48. How do they express love?

Ummm badly? He craves other people’s love constantly, but him actually being the one feeling Real Love isn’t something he’s really prepared to deal with, and it kind of makes him freak out. By the time he’s really headed down the road of executing his plans, I think the main way he expresses love is by trying to get the people he loves far, far away from him and this world and his path of destruction. On a more general note though like I said in that post I made a while ago I think his main love language is physical touch, so when he’s not in such a dark place that either results in lots of hugs or lots of sex depending on the person.

[williamcheart]

- ̗̀ * ( bill skarsgard + cismale + he/him ) have you seen ( william ‘colt’ heart ii ) walking around campus ? they are a ( twenty-four ) year old, studying ( business + literature ). we hear they are in ( omicron tau xi ), and can be ( composed & detached ), maybe it’s because they are an ( aquarius ). they sort of remind us of ( chicken scratch handwriting, trembling hands, a coach’s whistle ), maybe we can find out more ! * ̖́- + literary magazine

u were all wondering whomstve the bill skarsgard fc reserve was . . . . it was I and i have no mcfuckin’ regrets. we love. and stan. william colton heart the second

tw. cancer, death, substance abuse, car accident, mental illness.

gen info!

full name: william colton heart ii

nickname(s): will to his family, colton/just colt to p much everybody else. his full name is reserved for family and when he’s in troubule tbh

b.o.d. - feb. 19th he an aquarius bby

label(s): the fallen, the phoenix, the crestfallen, etc. etc.

height: tall but taller than benjy tall like we’re talking a whopping 6′4″ jfc

hometown: beaufort, south carolina !!

sexuality: b...i...?

bio info!

born n raised in beaufort, south carolina--william is the eldest heart sibling

was a really quiet kid, tbh, like he minded his business and stuck close to the people he knew

always, always wanted to impress his parents, so he always studied hard for school and kind of put all his focus into it ??

it was a pressure for him, really, bc he’d always been told that he’s gonna inherit the family business like how his dad did, etc. etc.

and like...sweetie never wants to disappoint anyone, ever.

he was never considered a nerd tho?? like he’s always been freakishly tall, and his quietness sort of made him intimidating to be around b/c it always felt like he was judging u bc he’d always have to look down at u

has always been super protective over his younger siblings, feels as if it’s his duty to be the put-together brother

he’s never had to fight anybody tho, and like, thank god for that b/c he’s definitely not a fighter, considers himself to be a pacifist for the most part

bc like...he can just stare u down and ur like uuuh gtg bye !!1!111!!!

anyways, grew up riding horses, finds it v v peaceful but he stopped when they moved to california

but track has always been his kinda thing regardless of where he’s at, tried out for track his freshmen yr of high school n was the star of the team tbh

he met a gal going by the name dinah during a track meet the middle of his freshmen yr

she was taking photos for the yearbook and stuttered over her words more often than not, even when she teased william

and like...tbh? william adored her immediately

it really wasn’t soon at all until they started dating, like, they were the high school couple

they complimented each other v v well and were prolly always together lbr

i’m hc’ing that his family also adored dinah like it’s law

dinah is the one who like...really encouraged him to pursue writing as something more serious than just for fun, because will had always enjoyed writing--esp poetry--but he didn’t want it to get in the way of his future w the stables ??

and like...fuck, they were so cute, guys. they were so mf cute.

dinah got diagnosed w/ lung cancer in the beginning of their junior year; she began online school halfway thru b/c she didn’t have the energy physically to go to class, went thru a looot of chemo

william was with her the entire time, y’know, if he wasn’t in school or at track he’d probably be with her the most, trying to cheer her up in the ways he could, helped her study for their SATs bc he knew it was rly important to her

by the summer she was in remission and they thought that was it--still super fucking careful, but they really genuinely thought that that was the end of it y’know ?? that she’d just be better ??

they got into a few months of senior year with her being healthy enough to go to school again, but the further time passed...dinah relapsed, rapidly, and the cancer had spread to other parts of her body

they spent their last valentine’s day in the hospital, and the next day she was gone

it...crushed william, just kind of changed his life, y’know? dinah was all he knew and he really didn’t know how to live w/o her

spent a lot of his time locked away in his room or never even home to begin with, just wandering about hopelessly or sleeping, or trying to sleep that is

poured his heart into his poetry, though--in dinah’s honor, he tried so mf hard to keep doing what he loved even though he was so hurt

it was because of his constant hard work, and dinah’s past encouragements, that william entered and won a poetry contest during his senior year. got a hella scholarship that made everybody proud of him, just b/c he was ~defying odds~

kinda put on this mask so that others wouldn’t see how bad he was doing ?? b/c he’s the level-headed brother, y’kno, the one who always had his shit together and knew what he was doing

dinah and william won cutest couple and even prom king n queen as a sort of tribute to dinah but will didn’t even go to prom tbh he got drunk and threw cans of beer off of a cliff

anyways, he graduated high school n attended ucla bc that was his dad’s school and gdi he’s tryn his best to follow in his footsteps

even got into his dad’s frat b/c he was that determined

he didn’t rly partake much in parties but he did indulge every once in a while, y’know, just to do it, was finally getting his shit back together and doing well for once y’know?? he joined track n took it p seriously

when angela heart died, all of that fell apart again

he took an entire year off of school b/c at that point his mental health had taken a really bad turn, depression was sort of controlling his life and he was spiraling so mf far down that he sometimes couldn’t recognize himself

during that time he published his first and second poetry book under w.c. heart; it’s super morbid, depressing, you can pretty much feel his depression as it manifests in the pages. it begins with poetry from his earlier years, of when he was with dinah and then afterwards, when she dies

the second poetry book is about healing, and then how sometimes you can fall back even when you’re doing good (i.e. around the time lil baby angel died)

when he finally did go back to school he had a much better mindset, seemed to be doing well--was one of the best on the track team--partied a little harder, did drugs more often than usual but nothing too extreme y’know ??

his junior year he got into a p bad car accident n derailed into a body of water after crashing his side of the car into another and losing control of his vehicle

like honestly thank god for the stranger who immediately stopped their car and went totally-hero on the situation, they got william out of the car before he could drown and essentially saved his life, before calling 911 and just. disappearing as soon as the sirens were audible

somehow his left leg got mc’fucked in the incident and it just so happened to ruin his track career

also gave william a fear of swimming/deep water + driving. like. he never wants to be in control of a car again. it really added onto his anxiety and was probably the root of his panic disorder tbh

he took another year off of school to recover from his injuries and to just fucking...put himself in some therapy, because he knows. when it’s time to take care of himself. is really still determined to b the best, he’s just trying to take his time now.

got addicted to painkillers b/c of the injury, sought them out after his prescription ran out; it varies between oxy, vicodin, n percocets and like...they mix really badly w/ his antidepressants tbh ??

that’s v v hush-hush bc he doesn’t want people to worry about him moreso than they already do after like...all these tragic mf events y’know.

he had moved out of his greek house to live on his own but after his second time coming back to ucla he moved back in b/c that way somebody could kick his ass if he fell down the rabbit hole again y’know

his antidepressant, lexapro, causes hallucinations and now he’s been seeing dinah everywhere, hearing her voice, etc. etc. he thinks he’s finally going insane and also keeps it v hush hush b/c he doesn’t want people to think he is

he looks worse for wear but he just. keeps on pretendin’.

personality!

he’s just ... really calm tbh?

he’s always been the (or one of the) least fussy child, hated starting conflicts

if anything he’s always been a mediator ?? the peacemaker, tries to resolve things before they get outta hand

he hates fighting, physical n verbal, refuses to partake in it

even when dinah n him would get into arguments he’d be really quiet during them

that being said he wasn’t like antisocial or anything just bc he was quiet y’know ??

he was the quiet cool dude who was always popular for some fucking reason (its the height im telling u) and offered rly good advice

he’s a big fucking softie lemme tell u . . . he cries at most movies tbh

v intelligent, still carries small dumbass energy b/c he doesn’t make the best choices as u can tell

v v good at his craft, has been working on his third poetry book but has a lil bit of writer’s block atm and it’s ? torturing him tbh ?

he’s got a sense of humor but it’s like . . . kind of morbid tbh like he deals w shit via locking up his emotions and using humor as a coping mechanism

he’s a sentimental piece of shit tho we love him. he has a bottle of dinah’s favorite perfume and sprays his bed w it before he goes to sleep

that being said he really...isn’t over her, still, y’know ??

he’s 100% sure that she was his soulmate and he doesn’t think she could ever be replaced

(silly boy u cant replace people ! u just. meet people who fit u in other ways.)

hates being babied b/c he’s the oldest goddammit, that’s his job

he has a lil bit of a limp but like . . . that’s just bc his leg hurty

did i mention he’s protective bc he 100% is like listen.

he can bully his siblings. u cannot. that’s the rule sorry

even when his siblings r bullying each other he like body-flops on top of them and is p much like fucking Stop

he’s in his last yr of college but he’s doing grad school right after b/c he rly. doesn’t wanna b a partner w his dad. he doesn’t wanna own the stables or breed horses. he’s troy bolton and writing is his singing, horsebreeding is his basketball.

okay he really wants to know who tf pulled him outta the water b/c he never got to say thank u and he’s just like ?? LET ME SAY THANK U GODDAMMIT

he’s lowkey in the party scene but he’s also a bit of a wallflower when it comes to them, he prefers to drink his alcohol n watch ppl b idiots or sit on a roof high off his ass with a pal

he’ll fuck u but he wont date u but like so will most of the guys so he’s not unique he’s just a hashtag tortured artist

like it’s so hard for him to connect w others in a potentially romantic way ?? bc he just doesn’t feel anything and u cant really blame him for it tbh

has panic attacks n insomnia but u aint hear it from me

ironically........has taken up smoking cigarettes, as well.......even tho his gf died from lung cancer.......will why?

oh right bc i commanded thee

wanted connections !!

WHO PULLED HIM OUTTA THAT MF CAR CRASH ?? - i wanna know mf !!

his siblings uwu - GIVE US THE LAST HEART. PLEASE.

roommate - !! they can b chill or hate each other tbh who knows

frat bros - please.

uuuh general friends i guess ??

will they wont they - they’re rly close but will is really dumb and straight refuses to acknowledge the fact that they’d b like . . . perfect together

general unrequited things - william is emotionally unavailable, lmao, let’s see how that works w others

current hookups - he’s a bit of a slut, let’s b real. we ain’t shaming him b/c we don’t do that in 2k19 but we also speaking truths

good influences - please...help him get better

confidantes - somebody he just can fuckin complain to w/o feeling shitty or guilty for it

bad influences - make him. worse. he’s doing bad but he’s not at his worst yet.

anything. else. u want. i will do. i can do. i am god. i have ultimate power. william is my pAWN.

[karalizzy]

Safsee Breg

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What is your full name?

Safsee Breg

How did your parents decide on your name?

Safrees was Nana's name. She thought it would be a respectful thing to do. My Nan was a killer bitch. I loved her

How tall are you?

2'9"

What color is your hair?

An auburn-y brown color

What color are your eyes?

One is red and one is bright blue

How much do you weigh?

28 lbs, bebe

What is your birthday (month, date, and year)?

January 23rd

What is your father’s name?

Cel

What is your mother’s name?

Olteal

What are your grandparents’ names?

I don't know much about my Pap's side, but my Mam's parents were Safrees and Berk.

Do you have any siblings? What are their names, birthdates, and birth order?

Got a brother, Oz. He was born a couple years before me, November 13th

Do you have any medical problems, diseases, injuries?

I was a damn healthy bab. Had a spear go through my right lung once so I can't run for long but...

Do you have any distinguishing marks on your body (a mole, a birthmark, a missing finger, a tattoo, etc.)?

Got a couple scars. The lung one which is under a tit, one across my right shoulder, and one on my neck I don't wanna talk about.

What kind of house/apartment do you live in?

I currently live with my partner, she sweet as fuck. She did the decorating, so it's pretty cutesy and shit. I guess you could call it a loft?

Do you have any pets?

We have Hermes. He's my girl's falcon. He's kind of an asshole but I love him.

Are you married? If so, what is your spouse’s name?

We ain't married, but I'm with my girl Bresha. She's my flower.

HISTORY QUESTIONS:

Where did you go to school?

I learned all my mechanics with my Papa in garage

How many times have you moved in your life?

The fam crossed Arcaylia probably a dozen times

When did you move to where you live now?

Bresha and I moved in together 3 and a half years ago

Who is your best friend now?

An angel. Don’t ask.

Who are all of the people whom you have dated?

Gettin personal... uh, another goblin called Teets (I Know), a human called Aarin, and a half-elf girl called Antalia... some others.... and my sweet flower.

Why did your relationship with each person you dated not work out?

Well fuck, didn't realize this was my fuckin life story. Okay, I guess it didn't work out with Teets because I kept laughing at his name. The human was a one-off, he knew that. Antalia was... woo, that girl was just too much crazy for me.

What is the worst thing that ever happened to you?

Don't wanna talk about it. Let's just say that the cleric was the traitor, not me.

What is the best thing that ever happened to you?

I met my beautiful girl, Bresha.

How did you meet your current significant other?

I was at the pub, having some brews and this beautiful, long-haired, half-orc lady sat down next to me. We started talkin' about the area and smiling and laughing and just.... *sigh* then some jag-offs came in and threatened her. Before I could even say anything she cut one in half. I'd never had such a rock-hard lady chub before.

Who important to you has died in your life and how did you cope with their deaths?

Jesus. *snortles* No, uh, well.... I have-... had a good friend called Remliel. They were one of the most... selfless people I could hope to meet. I don't think I did... COPE really. I just didn't deal with it. Shut up, what's the next question?

PERSONALITY QUESTIONS:

What is your favorite color?

Brown.

What is your favorite book?

My flower and I read "The Tales of Murph Brittlebrass" to eachother. It's about a swashbuckler badass. If she was alive, my love and I would totally rock her world, you know?

What is your favorite food(s)?

I actually really like rations? Unpopular opinion, but fuck man, prunes with uncured beef sausage? AND homemade bread?? Makes me moist just thinking about it.

What most annoys you about (your mom, dad, brother, sister, wife, son, daughter, best friend, boss, co-worker)?

Mama is always in my business about pollunating the world with my seed, but jokes on her. Papa has never done anything wrong in his life. Oz is a cunt but I love him.

How often do you exercise? What are your exercise goals?

Ex-.... I'm sorry what is that word? Is it Elvish? It's not translating well, sorry.

Which of your buttons does your mother like to push that sets you off?

Just the wee babey one.

Do you believe it’s okay to tell a lie and under what circumstances?

It's okay to tell a lie if someone's safety is at risk and the lie will protect them.

Are you an introvert or an extrovert?

I'd say I'm like... 86.4% extroverted

What things might you be asked to do that you hate doing but do anyway (attend birthday parties, weddings, do chores for your elderly aunt, etc.)?

Oh, watchin my brothers brood. Those kids are little bastards but they're my nephews so I gotta put up with them a little I guess.

Have you ever been arrested and why?

Cleric tried to arrest me once for pissing in public three days after I saw him do it. Fuck that guy.

Who would you lay down your life for?

My flower.

Who would you really like to tell off?

Byron. He's a cunt that I know that needs to get his goddamn, motherfucking priorities straight for his own cunting sake. Or at least he's gotta get laid.

What are your spending habits?

I spend what I gotta. Food, supplies. Bresha buys a little more than she should *snickers.

Do you enjoy hot weather, or do you prefer colder temperatures?

Gimme that sun bby.

If you could describe yourself in one sentence, what would you say?

King Bitch of Fuck Mountain

If your (best friend, wife, daughter, boss, neighbor etc.) were to describe you in one sentence, what do you think he/she would say?

She better say the same thing. It's a running gag. We love eachother.

[mustlovemustypages]

2018 Letter

Dear potential writer,

*Sigh* 2018 has been a long year, has it not? Yuletide is proving to be a great distraction and I'm very excited to be participating again. Thank you for reading my letter and also thank you in advance for anything you decide to write for me! 

Below are my desired fandoms and pairings along with story ideas that I would love to see written. Please don't feel stifled by my prompts; I've also listed my general likes/dislikes at the very bottom of this letter if you decide to go a different route. 

The Defenders (TV):

Characters: Luke Cage and Jessica Jones

I will admit that my main motivation for watching The Defenders was to see more interactions between these two characters. While I loved all of the scenes between them, I wish they'd had a lot more shared screen time. 

Overall I just want these two kids to end up together. I've been a fan of their relationship before the Netflix shows came out and will continue to be a fan after they have ended.

Story ideas:

Luke and Jessica learning to trust each other again amongst the events of The Defenders, and Jessica sharing a bit more of her past with Kilgrave to help Luke understand what exactly she went through.

Seeing Luke and Jessica's on screen (or imagined off screen) interactions through the eyes of the other characters.

Jessica Jones is a walking poster child for PTSD and I would really like to see this explored more. Recovery isn’t necessary, but having Luke at least realize her suffering and talking/hugging it out would be lovely.

We may or may not be getting a season 2. Feel free to imagine your own post-season 1 with the team, especially focusing on the Jessica/Luke dynamic.

Speed (1994):

Characters: Annie Porter and Jack Traven

I'm a sucker for characters who fall in love during immensely stressful situations. Especially characters played by Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves. I'm also a sucker for action movies that have not-quite-believable but really-thrilling-anyway plotlines. Like buses with bombs that go off if driving under 50 mph.

Story ideas:

Regardless of what Jack said at the end of the movie about most relationships formed during stressful circumstances not surviving, I have chosen to believe Annie and Jack would have beaten the odds once again. I'm sure their friends, co-workers, and family would have had their doubts but would have eventually seen that the two were perfect for each other.

I'd adore post-movie slice of life stories where they buy their first place together, meet each others' families for the first time, or even do something as mundane as going to get groceries. It would be so endearingly (and hilariously) normal in contrast to their first meeting.

Annie definitely thought Jack was insane when he flagged down the bus and jumped on. It would be interesting to read that scene from her point of view as well as other scenes throughout the movie as her opinion of him changes.

It would be impossible to go through what these two characters did without it having some sort of impact on their psyche. Whether it be Annie refusing to ride the bus again and Jack offering to drive her to work until/if she recovers, or Jack having flashbacks of the helplessness he felt on that train when he couldn't get Annie unchained.

The Darkest Minds (Book Series):

Character: Ruby Daly

X-Men was my jam when I was younger, and The Darkest Minds is basically X-Men set in a dystopian world with really loveable characters.

Ruby is a precious gem* that needs to be protected at all costs, even if it’s from herself. Liam is such a sweetheart. Book 2 when he gets his memories back had me literally crying. Chubs and Zhu are amazing, and I love the little family the four of them made together. Vida was also really great, and so was Cole… and you get the point. I loved them all.

*Pun not intended but acknowledged nevertheless.

My favorite pairing from the series is Ruby/Liam but sadly Liam is not in the tagset. It would be amazing if you wrote a Ruby/Liam story but if that's not your thing, I'd be equally happy with a gen story focusing on Ruby and Cole, Ruby and Chubs, Ruby and Vida, etc. Chubs/Vida in the background would be even more wonderful!

Story ideas:

Ruby definitely struggled with her abilities and had healthy/unhealthy coping mechanisms. Expanding on this would be great and including any of the other characters' responses to her coping mechanisms would be a definite plus.

Reunions are the best. Write how you would have liked the Liam and Ruby reunion in book 2 to have played out or expand on canon to bring on even more feels. Again, I fully realize that Liam is not in the tagset so don't feel pressured to include him. Instead write about a reunion between Ruby and one of the other main characters (like Chubs)!

I wish there were more scenes exploring the dynamics of Cole and Ruby's friendship and how that impacts their respective relationships with Liam, especially because Cole and Ruby relate on a level that I don't think Liam ever quite understood. One of my favorite parts from the whole series is the scene in the shower where Cole is basically interrogating Ruby for information about Liam. It's a totally non-romantic scene but very emotionally charged and it would be really interesting to read about it from Cole's point of view.

Impluse (TV):

Characters: Henrietta "Henry" Coles, Lucas Boone, Jenna Hope, Townes Linderman

This show became a surprise favorite of mine in 2018, mostly because it's on YouTube Red and I haven't given most of their original shows much thought. Also because it tackles rape and recovery in such a raw and interesting, especially in the context of a sci-fi show.

I just need more Henry Coles. If you want to do a romantic relationship I'd prefer seeing something explored with Lucas Boone or her canon love interest Josh (who was only in 2 episodes but really seemed to "get" Henry). Otherwise, gen stories between Henry and any/all of the tagset characters would be great.

Story Ideas:

Henry will never be fully "recovered" in the sense that one can never truly recover from rape. It will always have an impact on her life. The other characters get that and try to help her in any way they can.

While Lucas is aware of what his brother did to Henry, he has no idea of the real impact. I'd love a story where he learns more about her seizures and the way her anxiety/fears manifest themselves as teleportation.

Hurt/comfort in all forms because Henry has been hurt enough for a lifetime, but she could do with a whole lot more comfort. Either within the confines of season 1 or imagined opportunities for comfort in season 2.

We get the story from mostly Henry's perspective, but I'm sure there is a lot going on in the minds of Lucas, Jenna and/or Townes as the events of season 1 play out.

The Folk of the Air

Pairing: Cardan Greenbriar/Jude Duarte

Holly Black is an evil genius and I bow down to her greatness. Starting off the first book in this series, I never would have imagined that by the end I'd be rooting for Jude and Cardan to be together but here we are.

They are the ultimate enemies-to-lovers and I can't wait to see what happens to them in the second book coming in 2019.

Story ideas:

Maybe I'm being unrealistically optimistic, but despite Jude's betrayal at the end of the first book, I think these two can work it out. Perhaps Jude helps Cardan cope with the stresses of being king and he is able to move past what she did. Or maybe he sees how impossible Jude thought the situation was and comes to the realization that he was the only one she trusted to do it.

Madoc is a horrible father. Jude basically knows this from the beginning. Still, she was genuinely upset in discovering what he had done. I'd love to see her finally release all of that pent up anger - either her using Cardan as a sounding board for her rants or even having her completely breakdown under all of the stress and him comforting her.

We get the perspective of Jude throughout the entire book, but I would really enjoy seeing some of the scenes from Cardan's point of view as his feelings for Jude change.

There is no way that Jude's sister, Vivienne, wouldn't be alarmed when finding out that Jude and Cardan kissed. Jude having to explain her changed feelings for Cardan and Vivienne realizing that Jude is in like/love would be hilarious and heartwarming.

Things I don’t like:

Alternate Universes – For the specific fandoms that I picked, I really like the universes as they are. I’m definitely okay with deviations from canon, but please don’t make Speed into a supernatural werewolf story or the fantasy/sci-fi canons take place in a mundane coffee shop setting. (I don’t mind Soulmate AUs or something similar because those can be incorporated into canon with little change to worldbuilding).

Non-Con/Rape/BDSM/Sexual Violence/Graphic Sex – I like my characters to be happy and everything within ships to be 100% consensual, no question about it (mentions of non-con if it occurred in canon is fine). I also prefer plot over porn, especially with one-shots.

OT3s – Two people per romantic relationship please. Any more than that makes me uncomfortable.

Character Bashing - Unless a character is a bad guy in canon, I don’t want to read hundreds of words about how awful they are, especially if they are one of the characters that I requested. Don’t take it out on the characters if you hate my pairings, just write gen. 

Things I love:

Hurt/Comfort – There is nothing I love more than one character comforting another. The hurt can be physical, psychological, or both.  

Happy Endings – I’m all for the realistic endings… but if they could be plausible AND happy-ish, that would be amazing.

Expanded Scenes/Contorting Canon – Feel free to expand scenes and change up canon to your heart’s content as long as it makes logical sense.

Humor/Banter/Snark – I thrive on this stuff.

Bonding/Building Relationships – Whether it be a friendship or a romantic relationship, I adore reading about two people growing closer together. When characters know each other so well that they can have conversations with just their eyes or anticipate the person’s next move (especially if it’s to the surprise/confusion of everyone around them), my shipper heart is thrilled.

Dark to Light – Seeing a character come out of a bad mindset/situation and get better is so satisfying.

Thanks again and happy writing!

- Maddy @mustlovemustypages (on Tumblr, Ao3 and FF.net)

[wordsablaze]

(2) Nostalgia Makes You Fragile

Stubbornly In Love Magnus and Alec are two beautiful souls that both happen to be in love, heartbroken, and painfully stubborn. An angsty malec fic prompted by this lovely soul! Enjoy!

A/N: So I tend to ramble when writing angst, my apologies! Feel free to point out mistakes and I hope you like it anyway...

Alec Lightwood was not coping.

If he had been coping, he hadn't been coping well. At this point, he'd even given up pretending to be coping. His lack of a healthy coping mechanism was far too obvious, even to those who didn't know him at all.

It's odd how quickly he'd become attached to his warlock - the warlock - and how quickly he'd forgotten how to exist without magic and glitter in his life.

What's worse is that everyone can sense it. Pain, he thinks, is bearable only until it's repeatedly pointed out to you, day after day, like a million little needles pressed into your skin, within plain sight.

He hates being viewed as incomplete, as weakened, as lonely. He wants to shout at the world for assuming he isn't self-sufficient and making him out to be something akin to a symbiote for Magnus. He wants to scream until his voice runs out, he wants to run until his legs can't hold his weight, and he wants to punch people until the skin on his hands peels off.

But he can't.

He yearns to sink under his blankets and stare at the messages he'd received from Magnus but he ends up almost buried under paperwork and files to check over. He wishes he could ignore the world, run to a remote forest, and think about the times he's spent with a certain warlock- or forget them, he doesn't care either way - but he's always drowning in the questions of everyone else walking through the institute. He needs his sense of normality back but, since meeting Magnus, his normal had changed and he can't figure out how to undo everything they'd created, partly because he can't tell which parts of him were unlocked by Magnus and which parts he'd always had.

"Alec?" He hears a voice asks and, strangely but not at all surprisingly, it takes him far too long to recognise it's Izzy.

"Iz, yeah, you okay?"

She chuckles - but it's a sad chuckle - then nods. "I'm good. Raphael was looking for you."

"Why?" Alec asks before promptly shaking his head. "Wait, Never mind. Thanks for telling me."

He shakes his head, trying to physically expel the fog of guilt taking over his intellect, as he walks to where he guesses he could find Raphael. Not wrong in his guess, he greets the vampire without thinking about it and the two of them settle around the circular table, one that he'd totally not modelled around King Arthur's table because he's a nerd, definitely not.

"We have a problem," Raphael states.

Alec nods; he'd been expecting that. "How can I help?"

"We'd had a few clashes with the warlocks-"

He doesn't get to finish his concern because Alec's brain, against his best wishes, decides to stop paying attention. His brain, his stupid, stupid brain, chooses to spiral into nostalgia and he can't think because he can feel the ghost of Magnus' magic in his soul and he can see those beautiful, kaleidoscopic eyes every time he blinks to try and clear his vision - a counter-intuitive habit, really. Somehow, he's at the door before he registers standing up, his feet propelling him anywhere away from the mention of warlocks. He thought he was better than this but, as it turns out, he's not good at suppressing memories that want to float at the front of his mind like hot air balloons powered by helium and gasoline and the agony of caged birds.

Breathing heavily, he shuts his eyes and lets himself sink to his knees, dimly registering that he's in Izzy's room as he cups his pounding head with his sweating hands. He can't open his eyes because he can't bring himself to face the reality of an unsupported reality and he can't move because he can't feel the love he never knew he needed until he lost it.

It doesn't occur to him that the earthquake he can feel is his own body shaking. At least, not until there's a hand on his knees and a soft, quiet voice humming from somewhere near him.

Beats of music fill his ears and he breathes in time to the tune changes, slowly but surely realising he'd barely been breathing and that his body was trying to stop him from shutting down entirely. An age and a half later, he manages to gingerly unclench his fingers and roll his shoulders back, wincing when bones crack and his muscles complain from being so tense for so long. It's even later when he finally blinks and lifts his head up, his gaze flickering between irrelevant objects until it lands on Izzy.

"Welcome back, big brother." Her voice, usually filled with confidence and an attitude to be reckoned with, is gentle, too gentle as if she thinks slightly raising the pitch of her words could shatter him.

"Izzy... I..."

"I know," she whispers, "I know, even if you don't know."

"What don't I know?" Alec asks desperately, his voice a pitiful reminder of his collapsing sense of control.

Izzy's smile is sad as she replies, "If it was my place to tell you that, you wouldn't even know that question exists."

Alec groans and stretches his legs out, wincing once more as his knees protest at the sudden movement. He rakes a hand through his hair, sighing when it falls back on his forehead before wiping his eyes for the sake of trying to hide his confused pain. He knows it won't work but he has to convince his heart that he's okay if he wants to try and function like any other person. Unfortunately, it turns out the heart is incredibly difficult and almost impossible to persuade.

"What were you humming?" Alec asks instead of addressing the elephant in the room.

"I don't know, something Simon was showing me while we waited for Raphael."

"You waited on a vampire?"

His inquiry is met with a frown. "No, we waited for a vampire. We waited for the head of the clan because rushing him meant making him wait for you."

Alec sighs in defeat. He feels the tears in his eyes and the horrible sparks of emotion rising in his nose that tell him he's about to cry. Shutting his eyes is a pointless decision but he chooses to make it anyway, squeezing his eyes shut so hard he can feel the tension in his temples. Izzy sucks in a breath as he starts to shudder but she knows better than to falsely convince him everything's alright so she quietly leaves, leaving Alec alone with his angry regret. His sobs are inaudible but they're the only thing he can hear, the rest of the world fading away as if it had never existed in the first place - as if he'd lost his world the moment he'd chosen to extend their trust outside their comfort zones, outside everything they'd agreed on.

Now his muscles are complaining for a different reason. They're complaining because holding in sobs that want to roar and echo throughout the world is not without consequence and Alec has chosen to take on every consequence as an alternative to the agony of unwanted nostalgia. He can't think beyond the dull throbbing in his head and the way his hands are shaking too violently for him to wipe his incessant tears.

He hates this.

There's nothing he despises more than to be helpless in the power of himself. He'd grown up believing that nobody could ever order him to do anything unless his heart was in agreement but now when he can't feel the strength of his heart and his worst enemy is his own mind, there's nobody to turn to for help. There's nobody who knows him better than he knows himself, as the much-loved saying goes, but who is he meant to ask when he doesn't know if he knows himself anymore?

It's a completely new feeling for him to feel lost in his own skin. 

His mind is a maze and he can't find the entry, never mind figure out how to navigate his way through. He's an open book but he's written in a language that belongs not to intellect, knowledge, and scholars, but to emotion and the parts of the heart nobody can decipher. His problem is a badly hidden secret but he can't bring himself to look at the clues and piece everything together so he can figure it all out. It should be obvious but, as much as Magnus drew strength from him, he'd drawn strength from Magnus and, without it, he's falling, falling into a mess.

The last thing anyone would normally call him is fragile but, right now, sat on his sister's floor with his knees pulled up and tears slipping out of his tired eyes, he can't help but admit the perfect summary of his current state is exactly that: fragile.

like/reblog but don’t repost, thanks!

[lovecanbesostrange]

Obligatory Grey’s feels feat Station 19

To get it out of the way. I liked Andi and Maya talking about all the crap between them and getting back to friendship territory. My problem is that the show started with “we are best friends” and it’s been such a steady downhill, that I find it poorly developed. Please be better, because omg does Andi need friends. Also somebody keeping Maya from spinning out is nice. Love her and Carina so much. Especially because Carina has been in Seattle for three seasons already and she is such a caring and wholesome person.

Loved the Drag Queens and this family vibe. The music-montage felt a bit too overdramatic though. But overall this is especially a win for Travis. Realizing he needs gay friends in his life, because everybody was his late husband’s circle and they drifted apart. (GS/S19 LGBT meetings? We could find out if Parker is somewhere at all, Taryn could get more help getting over her Meredith-crush, we have Nico, Levi, Maya, Carina... Teddy walks by awkwardly “well, I named my daughter after the woman I loved, whose death was so traumatic that I joyned the army and never told anyone about the truth of our relationship, am I allowed here??” and Amelia can just sit there........)

Oh right, I like Sullivan starting at the bottom. That’s a true new start. I hate that the PRT is gone, because it was a good concept to give the show more room for medical drama and it fit Warren’s skill set so well. :( btw Andi totally upholding Bailey/Warren as the relationship goal is cute, just like when Jo did this with Bailey.

So, now on to the FEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELS. GEORGE O’MALLEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have to be honest, I am 9000% over the way people put George on a pedastal in fandom, completely ignoring his trademark Nice Guy traits. Like everybody on Grey’s he did have flaws. And in some ways I did not miss him that much, but his death gets me everytime. Which funny enough was just this week on endless-rerun. So Meredith going “it’s George! it’s George!” and the funeral and everything was fresh in my mind once again and it was so nice seeing this calm version of him.

Bonuspoints for adressing that he aged. Because nothing is real anyway. It doesn’t matter if you want to read this as an actual glimpse into an afterlife or Meredith is having vivid Covid-dreams. The content is real to her (very King’s Cross). And I liked how she talked about that George left a mark. Even though we have to remember S1-5 are only two years of time. Extreme trauma conga! Short friendship, but so intense. Lexie, Steph or Levi now have spent more time at the hospital than George ever did. But those two years of residency were super formative.

That last moment with Webber and Bailey sitting there, was a really pretty picture. Calmness during the storm.

On the awake side of things I like how Meredith being sick is an anchor in the pandemic storyline. With all the doctors throwing around all the possible treatments. Teddy’s little meltdown of trying to stay on top of things was heartbreaking. So many news in 24 hours... and all of that is so much more important than the interpersonal drama. People are dying. And they won’t let us forget.

I did feel bad for Tom. And it’s him I am worried about if maybe they will let some more prominent character die. Casually throwing in that Helm had a mild case of covid was interesting. Because yeah, for some it’s not that bad. But for Tom there is also this obsession and his ego. And Teddy showing up was... hard. I do think he needs a friend. But she is also the source of his misery. Fucked up.

I love Link and Amelia. They process things in a very different way, but they managed to talk about this and find the ground where “you need this, I need this and we will let the other have their emotions”. Actual communication and support? in a romantic relationship? On my Grey’s Anatomy? (That is something Meredith and Derek could be very good at; Miranda and Ben are doing the best they can; it was what made Jo and Alex perfect for each other; it’s also why in the end I feel that Callie and Arizona as well as Jackson and April missed the mark, because they could be very bad at not fighting about their different coping mechanisms.)

Also I understand both. Link was isolated, had this cancer diagnosis, hovering parents and his whole life revolved around his illness. So he said “fuck it, the bad shit is here, but I can focus elsewhere”. And Amelia has drowned her sorrows and worries in drugs and alcohol and needs to let them out. Full on dark mode, panic attack and screaming. I think in a crisis they can manage to ground each other, if they keep the communication open. I really hope they will be allowed to stay in healthy couple mode (doesn’t mean there can never be conflict).

So, Levi and Nico are sex buddies - thanks Netherlands - and Levi is all about “having needs”. Wow, that was a fast development. Maybe they can talk about their emotional state a bit more. Would like to see them take inventory and speak about what the problem truly was.

Nico seems to have so much bottled up rage and it definitely bleeds together. As seen when he did confront Owen about the misdiagnosis. Pretty sure that comment from the woman in the ER is part of that. The Asian doctor getting asked where he is from... oh yeah, maybe for some more conservative viewers (that Grey’s does have for some miracle reason lol) they need to spell it out that this was over the “china virus”.Almost too subtle.

I am almost sorry it was Owen who got handed this bit. Because that could’ve been any white doctor really. The scene with Bailey was great. (When she had her heart attack and lectured that idiot psychiatrists at Seattle Pres was an amazing scene I still think about.) Owen is the go-to-hate-character already and this really isn’t about a personal racist failing, but a systematic problem. But I think Owen is the type of guy who will look at protocols and adjust. He is good at his job.

And ah, yes, the fun part - Jackson and Jo. Can I have this please? Can I just have friends with benefits with these two? I know it’s fucking Grey’s and odds are one of them will catch feelings, but I loved their last conversation, both being “omg so not ready for a relationship atm, but the sex was awesome”. Their upbringing is such a contrast and I think in a romantic relationship this spells terrible disaster. But if they manage to be friends who drink beer, play videogames, watch sports, talk about all the people they know and then award each other with orgasms - it’s a super fun disaster!! :3

I laughed when Jo was “gonna have sushi AND pizza and you’re paying”. I think Jo is allowed to make fun of Jackson’s lifestyle. BUT I need to get a tiny little scene where maybe she shows up bringing... a special brand of alcohol he likes or just his favorite pastry, whatever. Jo once won 1000$ from Alex and bought him a couch. She put all her savings into the loft. (Yes, she also said Alex could buy her new shoes, when he took the extra job.) Just don’t make it look like she is taking some weird financial advantage. (She owns shares in the hospital and does get an attending salary, come on.)

Dear Jackson, you mentioned Vic, Maggie and April. Did you leave out the part where you left Steph at a wedding on purpose? That was the perfect way to remember her and make this thing more awkward. XD Also please tell me they exchange more stories. Jackson and Jo haven’t crossed paths that often and were part of different dramatic storylines. Does Jo even know Jackson dated Lexie once? (I hope Alex told her about who Lexie was, or Meredith. Her freaking name is on the building.) Exchanging stories about Meredith was a good place to start.

Also bonuspoints for telling me that Jo is still doing therapy. Much, much needed information and I’m glad to know.

Oh right, the Maggie bit. I like Winston and WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. That was his dad? Coming on and first thing is to talk shit about his son? For having bad grades in school once?? Yeah, man, tune that shit out. It was nice that Maggie gave him space. I think she could’ve send a text to clarify if she should just leave it or if he wanted to talk, but either way, so mature. What’s happening with relationships?

[turboknucklehead]

Army of Darkness (1992) and the Weird Healing Power of Having Your Ass Kicked

When I was 15, my mother lived in a trailer on the south-west side of town. The park was on the edge of King Street which ran towards the #9 highway. The local graveyard ran parallel to the park. The area was quiet and without movement. It didn’t have much to offer. It boasted no substantial yards to relax in. I never met a single friendly neighbor or face. It sucked.

Everything about being 15 sucked. Puberty was in full effect. Weird teenage pressures and hormones ran in high abundance. Everyone around me was experimenting with drugs and alcohol. Friends I was having sleepovers with no less than a year ago, were beginning to party and sleep with the seniors at the school. I felt strange and immature. I felt deserted.

I was angry all the time. I was stressed out. I had panic attacks in the washrooms at school. I skipped class regularly; often to just spend time in the library by myself. I hated everything that didn’t include spending time with my friends from the Catholic high school on Friday and Saturday nights. I had to wait all week to see them. It was also around this time that I had begun to seek companionship outside of platonic relationships are started dating. In case you’ve forgotten, I’m here to remind you that dating when you’re 15 is a special kind of hell. And dating when you’re 15 and depressed is somehow even more fucking terrible. I struggled to maintain any and all types of relationships. 

Moreover, things were bad at home. I was in counseling once a week. I fought with my father incessantly. We couldn’t get along. I’d scream and lock myself in my room. I was overwhelmed by everything. I spent most of my time on the computer and grounded because I was failing my classes. 

Now my mother relocated to my small town -- a blessing in disguise I would later come to understand. Initially, however, it felt as though someone had thrown a fucking wrench into the gears of my life and ground everything to an awkward, lurching trudge. Navigating the new dynamic of sharing households and living within two separate worlds was challenging. 

Worst of all, in addition to dealing with ruthless depression and anger, I struggled greatly with self-harm. I lacked healthy coping skills and the communicative abilities to reach out and express how I was feeling despite all my counseling. My skin always ached. I was fucked.

My one coping skill that didn’t involve damaging my body and acting out was watching movies. I began to spend a lot more time hiding at my mother’s trailer by the graveyard. It was easier to ignore my problems here where no one knew to find me (or more aptly, where people wouldn’t come to look). It was then that I discovered Army of Darkness and met Ashley Williams.  
I posted up weekend after weekend, watching Ash kick deadite ass. I watched him lip off renaissance men and women with brutal confidence while simultaneously fucking up collecting the Necronomicon. I’d chuckle at his incompetence and rude guy attitude. “You idiot...” I’d quietly say while he coughed through incantations. And then something clicked. 

Something about Ash - other than his fantastic jawline - resonated within me.  Throughout the series, Ash repeatedly gets his ass fucking beat. It isn’t until Army of Darkness that he fully snaps and finds this weird area of eustress where he begins to straight up handle shit. It’s amazing. Despite being a total shithead, Ash adopts this tough guy bravado that allows him to respond to his challenging and dangerous environment. He leans on this quite heavily by Army of Darkness and it serves as his greatest weapon. It keeps him safe and alive. Ashley’s resiliency inspired me, honestly. I found the strength I so desperately needed within Ash. His, “fuck you, fuck this, fuck off” attitude in this 1992 timewarp gave me the will to fight for my shitty life.  I looked forward to those cold nights in the trailer with Ash. Watching Army of Darkness became a part of my weekend safety plan. Each time I hit play felt like a reset on the week. I had a knight in my corner now. 

Army of Darkness helped me recognize and shoulder through my depression. I won’t say that it cured it because it didn’t. But it did give me the boost to wake up every day and at least try to navigate through the haze. I won’t try to say that AoD cured my penchant for self-harm because it didn’t. But it did give me the courage to seek out help. To talk to my parents, my friends. To actively give a shit about my mind, my body and my spirit. On hard days, I would imagine myself as Ashley - plowing through the slime and the blood and muck of everyday trials. I remembered his defense mechanisms and weapons: his sneer and textbooks. I adopted them as my own. I began to fight my depression and attack my problems with all the fervor and vigor of a pissed off dude in the wrong fucking time period. I took a more proactive role within my counseling sessions. I began to communicate with my loved ones slowly but surely over time. I stopped holding my breath and found myself laughing at the beautiful slapstick humor of the Darkness. Most importantly, though, I began to hope.