#wasnt going to say anything but my therapist said its a good thing to talk about my feelings to my friends

[biologicalmassofrubber]

Hmmm

[clownmoontoon]

RAAAAHHH HELLO ITS BEEN A MINUTE!!! \OUO/

YOUR FAVORITE CLOWN IS BACK IN BUSINESS ive been quiet a while, a LOTS been going on in my personal life that brought my social medias to a complete (and unfortunate ToT) standstill til now!

i rlly wanna talk about it, its been honestly life changing and for safety i need to add some warnings:

cw for abuse both physical and emotional, and suicidal thoughts/ideation (dw im ok and not suicidal! i used to be and i finally have real context as to why)

ANYWAYS LETS TALK ABOUT IT

i got the opportunity to see a therapist for free for the first time since i was a kid and it was IMMENSELY eye opening.

SOME CONTEXT: ive lived with just my mother since i was a teenager as i tried to "make it" as an artist. ive had my ups and downs w this career goal and have been heavy in the midst of a very big Down period. entirely brought on by how sick i was at the start of the year to june (infected lymph nodes, pneumonia, 2 pounds of tumors in my uterus that required the removal of the organ entirely etc, i may have a weak immune system im realizing sdlkjd) which resulted in me having very little energy to create and/or post content. by july i needed to basically start over. which i was excited to do! i WANTED to get back to work and i was even excited for art fight! ;u;

aaaand in july is when my mom thought would be a good time to threaten to kick me out unless i found money to give her or got a "real" job. this came as an extreme and horrifying shock as i had just asked her the month before to "believe in me just a little longer" as i finally felt i realized what id been doing wrong all these years before and felt strongly i could succeed before the end of the year, she not only emphatically agreed but even said i didnt need such a time limit and she definitely didnt mind supporting me til i reached my dream lol i couldnt even do anything until july bc i was busy recovering from major surgery, coming home with tape on my stomach to heal the incision that hadnt fully closed yet

ive wanted to see a therapist for ages bc im Full O' Trauma and i knew it would help. The way this worked was basically like getting a free trial, i got six days of therapy (to be spread out as far as i liked) thru zoom.

i used the visits more for getting advice on how to reach my goals thru mental blocks and exhaustion bc ultimately i felt like 6 days wasnt enough time to get into trauma stuff and i really just wanted to get my career off the ground again, hopefully permanently.

i had vented a tiny bit about my mom and by the final visit w my therapist i decided to forgo the "how to better reach my goals" questions and ask if she had advice on how to handle someone like my mother, who i had to live with and rely on and who would often say something cruel whenever the mood struck. as i told her about my situation she stops me and asks

"do you hear yourself? bc i hear you"

and im suddenly so scared shes going to tell me the same, "get a real job" "stop acting so selfish" etc

instead she says, "this is abuse, youre literally describing an abusive relationship"

i was in complete shock

i even asked her how could i be the one being abused when i was the one using the resources and she compared it to a person getting married to someone rich and that rich person treating them like theyre worthless for not also making money.

it shook me to my core especially bc my mom loved calling me an abuser and comparing me to her abusive ex husbands (one of which used to abuse her physically, punch her/beat her etc) and saying im just like them

for the record ive never laid a hand on her, she would say these things whenever the mood struck, often out of nowhere

once bc i told her i couldnt read her mind and didnt know what she wanted lol wild

ANYWAY after this conversation i started looking back on my life and realizing why ive always felt so worthless, why i thought until my early 20's that suicide would be the best option for everyone. i was so exhausted from chasing this dream and feeling like such a worthless burden, my mother would get so angry with me for just existing and i felt like she would be so much happier if i were out of the picture, my sisters (both a decade older and living w their own families) calling me a leech and selfish for "using" our mother etc

any time i would stand up for myself, kindly and meekly as i could my mother would tell me how she wanted to punch my mouth, slap my face etc for years i thought she'd eventually fly into such a rage one day that she'd kill me and... i honestly didnt really mind the thought once while in high school my mom picked me up for lunch and offered to pay for a prom dress. i told her that it was ok, i knew she was struggling w money rn and i didnt really wanna go to prom anyway she flew into such a rage she pulled over on the highway just to pull my hair and beat me, and then dropped me back at school to finish my day lol

realizing that all of that IS NOT OK OR A NORMAL WAY TO FEEL OR BE TREATED AND I DEFINITELY DIDNT DESERVE ANY OF THAT was extremely eye opening

i told my best friends what my therapist had said and they were both like YEAH... DID YOU NOT KNOW YOU HAD AN ABUSIVE MOTHER??

apparently it was very obvious ^^; my friends were shocked to find that i thought everything was my fault, my therapist even used the term "gaslighting narcissist" to describe her which was WILDLY VALIDATING for me lmao

sitting w all these thoughts whirling around my head my mom texts me suddenly and tells me to ask my sisters for money (13 hundred dollars lol) bc she needs it for "bills"

i didnt want to do that at all she told me to "use my big words" to convince them and not to say it was her idea, but instead to act like i was asking bc i wanted to

it felt gross and made my skin crawl and honestly didnt even make sense bc WHY would i need that money so i asked but let my sisters know it was my mom asking and said she prob felt embarrassed to ask, while telling my mom that i asked in the way she wanted

my oldest sister makes good money and has helped our mom w money in the past. she texted me back asking why our mom needed money and why 1300 and i told her honestly i didnt know, i asked my mom what to say and she said to tell her she had an itemized list but she left it at work and couldnt remember what was on it lol

my sister told me to tell our mom that she couldnt help rn, so i did and my mom encouraged me to push harder to my other sister

suddenly the sister i had been talking to texts me and says that our mom left her a voicemail saying she doesnt know WHY i would ask for money, must be bc she threatened to kick me out bc i never help her with money :,( which was WILD bc any time i had money my mom would get most if not all of it, i havent been able to save money since ... ever tbqh, even when i tried my mom would successfully guilt every dollar from me letting me know i didnt deserve to save a penny after all shes done for me aaAA

ANYWAY i was so angry and hurt that my mom would just throw me under the bus i told my sister i had proof i wasnt lying (bc she was already inclined to believe our mother since they both considered me a leech to start with) and sent her screenshots of my texts

she was shocked and hurt too i decided to tell her about my therapy and how my therapist had called our mom an abuser and she answered that she understands more than ill ever know... which is very sad hjghfgf

we havent really talked more since and i deleted my texts to the other sister, more likely than not my mom sent her a similar voicemail

im very tired

i want to get out of here, im finally seeing this relationship for what its been for years and years, even back to when i was a little kid! i didnt know about suicide but id dream of being an animal in the wild bc i felt like if i were just out of the picture everyone at home would be less angry

its something that enrages me now tbqh ive tried all my life to be as little of a burden as possible and now im ready to be a problem LMAO :o)

the long and short of it is that i will be posting art sales and opening my patreon FINALLY to try and save up funds to get out of here ive also gotten a part time job on weekends for a little cushion tho some of that money will inevitably go to my mother, unfortunately

she doesnt know about the money i make online :o)

my family has constantly called me selfish, entitled and spoiled for just asking for common decency and to be treated like a person, theyve dehumanized me to the point that my greatest coping mechanism was creating a creature sona that isnt human but a monstrous equivalent lol AND I LOVE THEM IM EMBRACING CREATURE LETS FUCKIN GO

i know this has been long and if youve made it to the end i love u and im so thankful for your support!! ;u;

FOR ALL YOUR SUPPORT!! i want to come back full force, i havent stopped drawing at all, just havent had the energy to do much til now

my therapist even pointed out that i probably WOULDVE had at least moderate steady success by now if it werent for my mom's constant abuse

OH ALSO I NOW HAVE FOUR CATS LMAO a stray i had been giving water to and keeping safe from weather things (extreme heat, extreme cold etc) had her kittens here! and my mom gave me the ok to keep them all ;u; (and then ofc rescinded that but thats hardly a surprise now lol) and man, having kids cats sure changes your perspective on what u want and feel like you deserve! I NEED TO DO WELL BC THESE KITTIES DEPEND ON ME AND I LOVE THEM QVQ <3<3

SO YEAH IM BACK BABY IM GETTING THE HELL OUTTA HERE ASAP AND CONCENTRATING ON MY WELL BEING AND MENTAL HEALTH!! 😤🔥

[keepingthehopealive]

EMDR session 4

ET- emdr therapist

PT- main therapist

K- therapist from my teens with the traumatic termination

Im sure ET saw this session as a "success" because we actually did an EMDR exercise, but despite that, I experienced the freeze a lot worse than I have in the previous sessions and there was still so much I couldnt do and didnt do good enough. She brought up the idea of exploring things with curiousity versus judgement and shame and thats the theme she wants to go with in the processing work.

We tried to do an exercise where I had the "inner critic" comfortable in its own room and kind of put aside so we could get to what else was I was feeling. I find any visualization things like this challenging to begin with but did try to do it. When we got back to the question of what I was feeling it was still shame and judgement and nothing else, so we moved on at that point. Later in the session, a few times we did get beyond it and I identified three other things that are there which were fears, grief and anger. 

ET's go to questions are- How does it feel in your body when I say/ask this and how old is that part or that feeling. Trying to answer questions more from my body and less from my head, feels more genuine, and i recognize how quickly the defenses or protective parts and cognitive spirals step in. I asked her a few times to actually repeat questions so I could try to answer them before I spiral too much or get sucked into the shame and judgement feelings. Its a goal I should have with PT but the fear triggered is the "too much".

It also feels shameful, even if accurate, that most of the time when im trying to "age" a feeling or experience, it feels really young. We talked about the example of hating my body and how that goes back as far as I can remember.

 (I did not communicate this to ET) but It triggers the cascade of defenses or shame: your childhood wasnt bad (you were just bad), youre just being dramatic and trying to create reasons that dont exist, you werent abused or neglected, my mom is good and did better than her parents, *my sister* doesnt have these issues so it has to be my fault etc.

ET asked it a few times; 1 was about PT and how it would feel to get reassurance contrary to the abandonment fears. She was asking more particularly if things improve does that trigger the fear of PT leaving or the work ending, but it goes both ways, which makes it feel more paralyzing. I said I feel it as constriction and tightness and the freeze. I also know PT constantly are giving me this reassurance and that PT tries not to at the same time because I was so aggressive from the start that I dont want any false reassurance and only want genuineness, which is a negative reaction. 

The 2nd time she asked was when we were talking about my relationship with my mom and she asked what it would feel like to think about not talking to her or calling her everyday. The answer was basically the same with my body feeling tightness and freezing in that. I also felt, but didnt say or express in the moment with ET, the overwhelming "that would end badly" (for my mom), like I need to protect her and make sure shes OK, that im there for her. ET talked about how me being able to set boundaries might actually lead to the positive shifts in the relationship and dynamic. I dont know if I believe it or can do it. I feel pretty confident that my mom wont do the work to change or even fully acknowledge her role and accountability in anything. It feels easier (and a million times harder) to just leave it as is. 

The 3rd time the question came up was in regards to K and what it would feel like to decrease the level of distress with those memories and feelings. We were both suprised by my answer that if it was possible, it would feel like a release in my body to bring that distress down. I know how much it affects my therapy and my life still, which causes so much shame. Which is especially loud with PT and the freeze and transference. 

We did an EMDR flash technique exercise with the memory of the termination session with K.  I wasnt able to pat my legs which was supposed to be part of it but it was me looking at pictures on my phone of the puppies and *work baby* and talking about that and then ET would instruct me to blink and then occasionally very quickly think about the memory and see where my body was in terms of distress. We didnt do it that long and I started feeling the distress as a 9 and by the end was more like a 5, as long as I didnt think about it long. 

After a couple minutes of it, I was feeling it super intensely frozen and had to stop and really collapse to try to feel safe. It was the normal freeze and collapse but also felt like my body was feeling what I did the termination session which was shameful, pathetic and painful. ET tried to get me back to looking at the pictures or some engagement but then also just tried to see what I needed in the moment. She moved away, even all the way to her waiting room to see if that would help me get out of it, which it didnt. She commented that the freeze isnt dissociation and that I was really stuck between hypo and hyperarousal because I was hyperventilating while also being curled up and stuck. I explicitly asked for reassurance or the "answer" of how we move forward from it and she talked about the intention being to bring the distress down enough where we can process it more (with actual EMDR processing) and that can be the next steps. I dont believe the activation or distress will ever get to a 0 (ET does, but said we dont have to do that either if I dont want it to go completely away), even if part of me really does want that. 

The end she talked about trying to contain some of this stuff until next time I see her which isnt until the end of the month (5 weeks total). Mostly in regards to K since we did that processing towards the end of our session. 

[rainderthesomeone]

Its official :>

I know I've said it here and there on a few posts on transgender stuff, but its a official, I'm trans :D

TW: I talk about abuse and body dysphoria in this post, you dont have to read the rest, this section is just me sharing my experiences in my teenage years with a homophobic as hell republican as a father.

I've known for a while like ever since I was in Middle School, I had a really hard time fitting in with other girls, I tried making friends with them but they were all into make up and dress's and talking about boys and other stuff, I made at least one friend in middle school but they left me for a group of girly girls, and I wasn't interested in what they liked, I was into a lot of things they were not interested in, I was a huge nerd, I liked games, Godzilla, movie production, comics, marvel, star wars, fnaf, dinosaurs, bendy, (not saying girls dont like these things, girls can like anything guys :D women are amazing I know a lot of amazing girls now :>) nothing they liked and when they saw that they weren't interested in me anymore, but I connected with the guys a lot more, but they always saw me as the girl who tagged along and needed to be treated gently, at first I had no interest in the lgbtq community or the idea of being something else other than what I already was, I couldn't even really talk about, since the topic of gay and gender ideology wasn't allowed in the house I used to live in, my father hated gay people, said they were wired, and shouldn't be his words not mine "frolicking around and being queer" da hell dose that mean? im still baffled by that, he's also that kind man who thinks lesbians are cool and gay men shouldn't exist, it was that level of misogyny and homophobia, looking at it now, it was really disgusting and disturbing, but I was 12 I didn't know any better.

but than as I got older I became more aware, and started questioning things, I was 13 in my room, on my phone, and I found this artist who was drawing deltarune characters, deltarune was also a huge eye opener to the lgbtq comunity for me, since kris identified as none binary, but I found one of the oc's the artist made and they identified as A gender, and I was like whats that and looked into it more and more, and than I went from I dont know who or what I am, to maybe im a demi girl, maybe im A Gender, maybe im none binary and than boom, it clicked, I went with they/them/there's for a while, but I began to feel uncomfortable, by being refred to as her, she, I started hating wearing a braw and how scratchy and annoying it felt, I began hating my chest, I stopped wearing shorts due to my legs being abnormally hairy and that girls arent supposed to be hairy, at one point my dad was going to put me through a hole body hair removal process which would have removed all my body hair, and he was going to do it without me knowing, until my mother told me, she was the most supportive person I had while going through this, I was litteraly terrified to say no to my dad, but eventully he didint go through with it, but I still wasnt allowed to have body hair, every time we went shoe shopping he tried to get me pink shoes, and brands women would only use, we went on a cruise and we had to dress up, but I didint want to since I would have had to wear a dress, blue jeans were the only thing I had that was close to guy clothes, I wasnt allowed anything remotley masculine, only my mom would let me have products like old spice, and she took me guy clothe shopping but it had to be in secret from my father, who would hurt me and my mother if he found out, not physically well he would probably slap me, but only yell at my mother, which still wasnt good, eventully we left his sad ass, and now me and my mom live in a apartment together, and from there I could freely explore who I was, a month later I came out as trans to my mother right after we left, and im in therapy with an amazing therapist and I have amazing friends who dont fully understand but support me in every direction, only triggering thing Ive experinced so far was not being able to change my pronouns to he him lol, Curse you school bored! XD

anyway sorry for the lenghty slightly depressing post, I just wanted to share my story here since I have the platform to do so now, the freedom of speech is very rewarding and validating lol, origanlly this was going to be a post about "guys I got my first chest binder oh and btw im ftm" but I wanted to get this off my chest no pun intended and open myself up more on here, the trans comunity on tumblr has been amazing so far, especially the tf2 comunity on here, I truly feel welcomed and comfortable being here.

lot of grammar issues in here, grammars not my strong suit plus its 11 pm for me right now, im heading to bed lol, good night everyone!

[hiro-doodlez]

HELP I can't see my therapist for a couple of weeks and am currently having something i like to dub "yet another hiro autism crisis" where i contemplate if my therapist gave me the right diagnoses (she has told me she is not certified to give autism diagnoses, and instead more things like depression) Right now, I am diagnosed with ADHD, Anxiety/ Social anxiety (its still up in the air, DPDR, and depression. idk if that matters SO NOW I LIST RANDOM THINGS that could be considered symptoms or not I DUNNO HOW TO DO THISS feel free to ask questions about some of the crap i say here half of it doesn't make sense

First off, I have a general trouble understanding most social situations, and struggle sometimes when talking about practically anything. For example, earlier today my step-mom basically said she wasnt going to finish her food and let my brother have it. my brother said he would leave 2, he didnt (BOZO) and later after he left she found the empty container and said something along the lines "HAH! I thought he said he was gonna leave me 2!" and immdeiately without thinking i went "hey! you said he could have as many as he can! and hes working 10 hours a day and needs his energy!!" half jokingly and she got mad at me for it, we got into a mini argument over that.

When saying something thats serious, i tend to make a joke around it and i have NO CLUE why. I just CANT be openly upset around people. For example, when being told about something that happened to me as a kid that NEVER SHOULD HAVE HAPPENED RAGRHAGHAG, instead of having a breakdown and being reasonably upset, i burst out into giggles and laughs while my brother was just so fucking confused on what was wrong. It was kinda like i couldn't stop and it fucking sucked

The TINIEST things can upset me, and other HUGE things can have little to no effect. Its so incredibly annoying

I have INTENSE fluxuations in interests, hobbies, and motivation for certain projects. I will start on this huge project that im INCREDIBLY excited for, and then a week later have little to no interest in continuing it.

I make everything about my personality a joke, i dont know why. EVERYTHING i tend to say or do has to be funny. it's like i dont want people to see beneath that

I fluctuate in personality A TON, especially depending by the people i am around. At school, I'm the quiet kid. I don't talk to anyone except maybe 5 people, but other than that i tend to stay completely silent. It could be a mask? i dunno. but when im at home, ask my brothers, i am BOUNCING OFF THE WALLS. it might also be me just getting some of my energy out? RRAHHH I DUNNOOO

I will simply forget to do very important things to the point of endangering my health. Like forgetting to eat for a day straight. my step-mom thinks i have an ED AND I DONT. i literally just keep realizing suddenly at like 6 pm all i have eaten is a couple of skittles and pringles.

i have no clue how talking to people works and im constantly winging it. I forget how to have friends especially how to even talk or interact with them and its so stupid. I can't ever start a conversation with someone without having at least 5 minutes going "am i weird for this am i being annoying am i being clingy".

If i say even one thing wrong i WILL be thinking about it for DAYS thinking about how they probably hate me now and im a terrible person ect. ect.

I tend to hide many of my traits (especially good ones) because i am incredibly embarrassed and never want anyone to EVER compare themselves to me.

im a people pleaser does that count

i tend to get extremely upset if i get told one bad thing about something that i like or just a project i have. For example, I had this fandom silly man poll because i just wanted to find out who was silly. Then one of my friends just posted something like "i hate fandom polls theyre the worst" and i just lost complete motivation afterwards. I haven't touched that blog in WEEKS at this point becuase i simply have no more interst

I have had a meltdown or 2 before, and they both stemmed from being told about how i was a bad person. i don't know why the hell thats a thing

I can't stay focused on one thing for long periods of time (ADHD cough cough) Like literally earlier i was watching this video about autistic traits and i kept having to back the video up because i would get sidetracked in my mind to the point where im just not listening anymore

if im not paying attention to people sometimes I SWEAR theyre saying "ffajaleifnanamzmaldafjkjeffnma" and as soon as i start noticing it suddenly theres words again. hate that.

i have times where it can kinda seem like i cant speak, and if i do everything comes out wrong and jumbled. Like when my autistic friend would have a sensory related meltdown, i would never know what to do and end up going dead silent because of being so mad at myself for not knowing how to help (any tips actually hahahahaHOW DO I HELP)

i have little idea who the hell i am. had a mini-crisis because i didn't know what my favorite color was because before, it was the color my friend with synesthesia said i was and i just went with that (i think its purple or blue i have no fucking clue JFALJK)

i will have spikes of random motivation on one thing. like learning lanugauges, i will have a week where its so easy to get like 10 lessons on duolingo done a day and then the next week its a struggle to get even one done.

i focus better with distractions ??? I can't focus without music and tend to do better on reading tests if everyone else in the class is talking ???

i remember the most random things about certain things. Like, i could not for the LIFE of me remember what color that one persons hair that i was talking to for 15 minutes straight. but i can remember that they had pink socks on. WHY IS THAT WHAT I REMEMBER??

I hate organization and doing the same thing every day. i NEED chaos. My brother a little bit ago helped me out and got me to make a personal to-do list. i couldnt do it a single day even though the things were extremely simple like "brush hair, make bed, eat breakfast ect."

i zone out a LOT. especially when people bring up topics im uncomfortable with or conflict with my current feelings. i go into a kinda little talking (not nonverbal, i can still talk) or just confused state that freaking sucks.

when im in a high energy mood i tend to not feel.. reall???? I do many things overboard and annoy the heck out of my brothers. i always feel terrible afterwards.

Idk if this is weird to say but i tend to get really off put when people im comfy with get haircuts or major changes in their appearance. I never like the change no matter what the hair cut looks like. i dont have any clue why

i have no clue whether or not any of this is real or if I have managed to make it all up in my head. (bascially when i was younger i wanted attention and ended up faking depression for a year straight and was an absolute ass to my friends and blah blah blah)

[gabapentinblues]

1.8.2025 nightly journal, tw; ed, sh and si

i feel absolutely awful. ive had such a horrible day just feeling suicidal all day and like i cant picture any kind of future for myself. i feel terrible.

i literally feel scared, like i dont know how much longer i can deal with feeling like this bc all i can think about is wanting to die. wanting to walk into oncoming traffic or step in front of a train or throw myself over the side of a bridge. i encounter all of these things every day and i dont know how long i can control my impulses. its strange to feel conflicted like part of me is having these urges but part of me is still stopping myself from acting on them and wants them to go away. i dont want to be suicidal, but its hard to believe that this feeling is going anywhere anytime soon. i feel defeated and frustrated.

it was absolutely bitterly horribly cold outside which doesnt help my wanting to die at all. i accidentally forgot to take my meds again and i just want to stop taking them all together bc i swear theyre not doing anything for me.

i went to therapy and cried talking about how hopeless ive been feeling. my therapist said to keep putting words to it and talking about it even if it feels like im always feeling and saying the same things, that it takes a long time but i'll be able to get thru it. i want to give up so badly. i dont see what reason there is not to. all of the reasons i can identify are for other people and it just doesnt feel fair. she said that i have to sit with my depression and be honest and try not to do things that are going to make it worse and try to say yes to anything i can that might help even the tiniest bit. its fucking exhausting. i want to die but all i can do instead is sleep.

i want to quit my job and give up completely. im so tired of living like this. even days where good things happen or i feel okay for a bit are just over so quickly and im right back to this. no reason to keep going.

they really want to support me in therapy but i dont know how much they can really help me at the end of the day. im running out of hope. im reaching the part of the month where my pms will be starting too so im about to be even more suicidal on top of my regular suicidal. it was horrible last month.

im having a hard time believing that anyone truly cares about me too. i feel lonely. i think about my ex and i feel stupid. i think about my friends and i think theyre selfish. i dont think they really need me or care about me or wouldnt be able to continue without me. even my family, it feels selfish, like how badly do you really need me here? why? im miserable. its not fair. i cant picture anyone unselfishly caring about me and really taking the time to understand how i feel.

we worked on coping skills toolboxes today and i wish i had gotten to stay all day bc i started to feel a little better at group but then i had to leave to go to work.

i was absolutely miserable and suicidal the whole time i was there. my pants were too tight, my new piercings are sore, and i wanted to scream. i wanted so badly to just walk out, and then not being able to made me want to cry. and i wasn't able to cry either so i just kept picturing cutting myself when i got home but now i dont even have the energy.

i started getting vertigo on the train from not having taken my meds for two days. i took them right away when i got home. there wasnt even anything i wanted to do when i got home. i just wanted to stop existing.

i took three pastries from work and ate all of them, who fucking knows how many calories, i just ate until i felt sick and called that dinner. i don't even care because i just hate myself right now. honestly i feel so upset and powerless and hopeless maybe i will self harm. i feel like theres nothing else i can do. im so tired and im so angry and i feel like no one can help me.

i took a fast shower which wasn't really relaxing or nice or anything. my shower is disgusting and doesnt drain and the water never stays the right temperature. i just got out as fast as i could.

i made a cup of tea and watched an ed youtuber to trigger myself. i want to start starving again so bad. i hate that im binge depressed right now and not starve depressed, i want to be able to make that switch.

anyway i just feel absolutely awful, feel like no one cares about me and that theres no point in anything and im just going to cvt myself and sleep for 12 hours.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

hello it is Aeon again, im not sure if that is the right nickname that i chose last time though..

id need.. support and validation i guess? because this wont leave my head anymore.

TW for mentions of abuse (no details though). also TW for mental health professionals.

so i managed to get into therapy like a month ago and today i told her that i feel guilty and bad for thinking of how my parents treated me as abuse (even though i know it was atleast somehow damaging) because i didnt think they are bad people. she then proceeded to ask me what i meant with "abuse" and made me explain to her that i meant them emotionally abusing me (i sadly dont remember all of the conversation anymore). i feel like she didnt really react to me literally telling her that i feel guilty that my parents abused me and ive had that happen so much that i dont feel understood by things like that and that makes me unsure if i should even continue seeing her (i also just had a psychiatrist not believe me and thinking i was "just depressed" when i was literally not functioning and reliving the worst time of my life).

i know i should probably talk to her about it but i hate confrontations and i feel like i should be able to trust her to pick up on things like that?? shes not a mind-reader, i know, but im so confused about this, isnt she the professional?

(she has also told me that all of my previous professionals cant read minds and that they couldnt pick up on something that i didnt speak my mind about, when i said that i felt like nobody did anything to help me (which is a weird response to me feeling angry about past professionals when i was still in a place of abuse at the time i saw my first psychologist, and couldnt verbalise any of it and also didnt know a lot of things like that i was abused at all* or that i was an undiagnosed suspected neurodivergent kid))

*(just to clarify, me not noticing it was abuse was because it was normalised in my family. it still felt bad but i thought it wasnt that bad and that its just normal to go through)

im sorry if this is a lot of text!! :/

i hope you have a great day!

- Aeon (they/them)

Hi Aeon,

I'm sorry about what you went though.

It's important to feel heard and respected by your therapist. I understand how intimidating it can be to confront your therapist if they say or do something wrong (like being dismissive), but I think it's important to remember that a good therapist will take the criticism seriously and make an active effort to improve.

I'm also not sure if this is your first therapist but sometimes it's a trial and error process of finding the therapist that works for you. I've had four different therapists over the years and just had my terminating session with my current therapist a few days ago, so I'm on the search again. Just know that you deserve to be treated with respect, especially from someone like a therapist, and so if your therapist doesn't respond well to your confrontation, it may be worthwhile to look for other therapists. That being said, there is no obligation to confront her, as you're right that you should be able to trust her to recognize when she goes out of line.

One of a therapist's essential goals is to enter your phenomenological world and leave their biases or agendas at the door, meaning that they try their hardest to understand what you're going through and who you are as a person, and put any opinions or biases aside.

If you feel your therapist doesn't make you feel seen, heard, or appreciated, then that could be something to consider as you continue or terminate your therapeutic relationship.

I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[xoxo-ren-xoxo]

Tommy’s (and Tubbo’s) Character /rp /dSMP

This is a bit of a rant so like be warned. I have nothing against any CCs mentioned in this, this is all roleplay, lighthearted, and just a bit of fun analysis. Mostly this is a ramble about how I see certain people analysing Tommy’s character on tumblr and twt, and why I think they’re wrong. This isn’t directed at anyone specific, just a trend I’ve been seeing that kinda irks me. I don’t dislike the fandom, just a few ‘takes’ have been really weird for me.

TW for everything below: analysing the effects of trauma, abuse, manipulation, gaslighting, and lack of therapy.

I’m not really liking how victim-blamey everyone is getting currently in the dSMP, both in fandom and canon. In canon with certain characters but especially in fan analysis posts and especially about Tommy and Tubbo. People legitimately celebrating that Tommy might start ‘apologising’ for his actions more and 'growing as a person' somehow don’t realise that hes been made this way through a tonne of negative reinforcement. abuse, and gaslighting. And people blaming Tubbo for actions he had no choice in, rather than the actions he did choose.

Currently, as I see it, Tommy is so scared that anyone would find a reason to be pissed off at him that his fighting spirit has been completely crushed. He was exiled and abused when he should have been helped and given an understanding figure to guide him and teach him how to deal with things non-violently. In everyone’s eyes, the problem was that Tommy was creating violence with no real reason, acting recklessly and commiting crimes. Tubbo, having made him a part of his cabinet, knew that this would only harm the country. So instead of talking to him reasonably, he got angry, put him on trial, and punished him with the logbook (humiliating him by making him report back to Fundy, which he obviously hated). Tommy’s actions were, of course, bad, but did he deserve everyone ganging up on him? No. Especially when Tubbo was supposed to be in his corner, helping him out like he always said he would (”It’s me and you vs Dream” etc). This is the first betrayal of trust from Tommy’s POV. He doesn’t understand what he did wrong to its full extent, and no one can explain it to him. 

However, Tubbo was under a lot of pressure from Dream and George, and he’s a literal child President, so his ‘safety over friendship’ actions are understandable. I don’t believe Tubbo is solely to blame for anything he’s done in season 2, but it can’t all be excused. If you are to blame Tommy for his recklessness, you have to blame Tubbo, at least partially, for his disregard for Tommy’s feelings and mental state. There were other ways to go about the entire thing, including the trial, which was just horrible to watch, and agreeing to give Dream the disc, something Tommy gave him in pure confidence that it would be safe with Tubbo. Yikes moment.

At that time, Tubbo knew a lot of things about Tommy. In fact, he probably knew the most about Tommy out of anyone on the server. He knew the discs were incredibly important and a comfort item for Tommy. He knew Tommy had trauma from being exiled in the past. He knew Tommy was abused, or at least manipulated by Wilbur, in addition to growing up in war. Wilbur once told Tommy to stop being reckless, and Tommy listened, changing his attitude because he looked up to Wilbur so much. Then Wilbur said ‘let’s be the bad guys’ and stopped trying to mentor Tommy. There’s a conflict here, because Tommy was told by Wilbur that he wasn’t good enough to be President (links to the idea of ‘not being strong enough’) but he knows that Wilbur was a bad person. But Tommy is never given the chance to reconsile his feelings surrounding Wilbur, both because of Ghostbur and because of the conflict he starts with George. So he is harbouring a mixture of emotions about his mentor and brother, not understanding how to untangle the ‘real Tommy’ from the manipulated boy he became. 

What was going through his head when he stole from George and griefed him? Perhaps the thought that he needed to show he was still the same old Tommy. Maybe the need to ‘prove himself’ as a strong person? It could have just been an outlet for his trauma. He’s grown up in a world where everyone is either a friend or an enemy. George isn’t a friend. How was he supposed to know that hurting him was bad?

Tubbo was pressured into the actions he took against Tommy, but he was pressured far too easily. There is no moment where Tubbo turns to Tommy and makes sure he’s okay, he views him as ‘selfish’ and overdramatic, and sees his actions that way. This makes sense from Tubbo’s POV, he’s struggling to be President in ways that Wilbur *knew* he would, but in Tommy’s eyes this is the worst betrayal he’s ever known. The moment Tubbo (rightfully, but poorly executed) defies Tommy’s plan to hire Technoblade (ahem, seeing Techno as a weapon again) and exiles Tommy is the moment their friendship shatters. They’re two people who don’t understand each other anymore. Two people who are technically in the right, but only hurt each other. 

What Tommy needed was a therapist, instead he had Dream, who put out the fire of rebellion that made him so strong, and Techno, who was trying to help but doing it in the wrong way. 

People see tommy's change post-exile as a good thing because he's not as rebellious anymore and he’s thinking things through a lot before he does them, but they will soon realise that his rebellion was one of his best traits and the fact that no one saw it as anything but a problem really shows. He now second-guesses himself so much and is so scared of being wrong that everything seems too difficult and too dangerous. Every trait can have a positive and negative side. Tommy's defiant nature would have made him the perfect negotiator with a little practise. In fact, he had plenty of good ideas before he was exiled (using spirit against Dream, though it didnt work in the end, for example). The negative side of this was recklessness and the desire to cause problems on purpose, but what he needed was a friend (looking at you Tubbo) who understood that hes been through several wars, was manipulated by Wilbur, and hasnt known a time of peace where everyone who wasnt on his side was out to kill him. Now that ‘fight’ is gone he's just become easier to manipulate.

He may be getting better (see: telling Dream to go fuck himself) but there hasn't been any long-term growth because he was never told what kind of rebellion was good and what was bad. He was just told it was all bad. By Dream (and by Tubbo). Who he doesn't trust. So he's just going to revert back to his old ways because no one told him what was bad in a way that didn't make him feel like everyone was against him. Dream is the enemy (though Tommy’s feelings towards him are complicated, they make his brain go all ‘flippy floppy’) and Dream told him that rebellion was bad, so rebellion must be good always, right? 

And then there's Techno. Techno did nothing wrong except for when he did. Techno is 100% right except for when he isn’t. He doesn't understand Tommy because Tommy was never fully open about what Dream had done and how it affected him. That's not Tommys fault though, because who the fuck openly talks about their trauma? So neither of them are to blame for pretty much anything up until the confrontation at the community house. 

However, Techno's methods and ideology were not what Tommy needed. He was thrown from one extreme to another over and over again, from complete subservience to total rebellion. Neither of these inforce good attitudes in Tommy. One, as stated before, makes it so that he will regain his negative traits again. The other reinforces those violent traits as good, just like Wilbur did. The only difference is that Techno had good intentions, he wasnt trying to use Tommy, which is why he feels so used when Tommy 'betrays' him (Techno doesnt realise that he himself betrayed Tommy by teaming with Dream, he sees it more as a transaction than a personal thing). Techno feels so hurt by Tommy ‘viewing him as a weapon’ that he goes on with his no-mercy attack, completely dropping Tommy at his lowest point. 

Tommy says he doesn't want to be like everyone he's hated. In fact, he say's he is 'worse' than all the villains. This is very obviously untrue, though he was clearly going down a dangerous path with Techno's influence (see: bullying Fundy, spawning wither, kidnapping Connor, and saying that the discs are more important than Tubbo, more on that later). He's not a villain but who exactly has said he's not a villain. Dream? Techno? Neither of them can be trusted in his eyes. They say he's a good guy, Wilbur wanted to be the bad guy, who's right? He doesn't know. He has a crisis of morality. 

And? Some people want to point at that and say 'aha! Character development! He's finally realising his actions have a negative affect on others!' OH GOD NO??? He's a *child* who thinks that he is worse than his abuser. Does that sound like positive character growth to you? 

Lastly, the discs. We know theyre a comfort item blahblahblah. He hates himself for valuing them more than he values Tubbo. He's literally innocent in this. He’s been horribly manipulated by Dream to believe that the discs are worth anything. Theyre really not worth anything if they are being used as tools rather than, yknow, discs. My poor boy. He doesnt trust people, so what can he trust? The discs. But then he says it out loud and realises he misses Tubbo and he wants to be with his best friend again and and and WAHHHH. This also isnt really character growth its just fucking sad leave me alone. 

Anyways what the fuck guys. @ Niki and Jack what the fuck. Yeah we get it it’s miscommunication but wtf. Kinda worried that the actual lore will make Niki and Jack’s hatred of Tommy justified in some way and take on a big victim-blamey vibe, but I’m hoping that everyone is smart enough to not do that. I cannot praise Tommy enough for how he’s portrayed his character. I’m currently hoping that he himself understands the true complexity of it all. I’m sure he does.

Mostly though im actually pissed off at all the people praising tommy's character for 'maturing' when hes literally just got trauma. Nice one, tumblr and twt users. Thanks. Great job. He hasnt 'learnt his lesson', he’s traumatised. What the fuck.

Thanks for coming to my TED talk, leave your responses in the reblogs and comments.

[axel-mania]

yesterday was the first time i met someone with ehlers-danlos. i was seeing her because she is a physical therapist with the disease i may have, and i hoped she could tell me whether my current pt is killing me with his treatment. and, you know, what she had done to be a working adult rather than someone frequently bedridden. it was a tiny office. i felt small, trapped, staring down at the intake paperwork, over a hundred questions and longer than any ive done before. i was so scared i wouldnt be able to get through that part and still have the scheduled meeting. but i guess she cared about seeing me, because even though other patients were asking for her help she still took the time to talk to me. 

so you write down all your pain, put down numbers that dont really convey anything about it, just trying to say that youre suffering and it should matter enough that something is done about it. i feel like im lying if i use all tens, but that means they might not take me seriously. on the flip side, im still walking and talking, no matter how feebly, so they might think im exaggerating it. my first adults' doctor told me id just have to learn to live with all this. but maybe this person understands. maybe shell care. 

youre just a six on the hypermobility scale. its eight to tens when we start to see the really bad conditions like ehlers-danlos. thats what the rheumatologist i was referred to said. but this physical therapist wasnt very flexible and shed been diagnosed. so she ended up completely redoing my evaluation. when i could bring myself to string more than a few words together to tell her, that is. i always feel stupid during these kinds of things. even if i record my pain, i dont have the right words to describe whats happening. i cant definitively answer all their questions, just give guesses. but she could see inflamed joints, out of place tendons, pops that i couldnt even hear. so i ended up meeting the criteria. it almost means nothing. 

i dont have an official diagnosis, which is almost impossible to gain, so i cant get benefits. well, i can at least pursue treatment, right? not really. she shot down the pain management options i had learned from the patient community, and said most people who felt worse in physical therapy were looking for someone to blame. shes the success case, and she presides over many more patients than me. so what could i do but accept it? 

theres only hard work. work you literally cant do if youre in enough pain. physically, im lucky. compared to others, my body has only broken down a little, so i can still do regular exercise. at the same time, no matter how hard i try, it will break down more. its a race alongside time. you can only get so much better as your body naturally gets worse. teaching your joints to stay in place doesnt mean making your body into a different one. 

youre never going to exist without pain every day. really sit with that for a second. you have to mentally say, im okay with this hard exertion every day, and im okay with it leading to only marginal and very long term benefits. i choose life no matter the consequences. 

and i cant choose that, not right now. not when i have questionable friends online and absolutely no one in real life. not when im living with my transphobic parents and am going to struggle to find any employment that can accommodate my disability. theres just really no reason. the one person who was dependent on me no longer is. i dont believe in life as an abstract good. so really, this seems to be a sign to kill myself.

whats going to happen isnt me dramatically and immediately hanging myself while my parents are asleep. its going to be a slow starvation. i repeatedly refuse to choose between life and death, fail to consistently do the exercise, and suffer more until its too much. this isnt exactly a cry for anyone to try talking me down. ive long since decided not to do that for others anymore, and i dont want it for me either. but it is sort of an open question... why are some people so happy to choose a miserable life? what do they have that i dont? maybe its a circular problem. im bitter because people arent caring for me enough, and people dont want to care for me because im bitter. 

[arthurflecksgirl]

Hello 💖

May I please have Arthur x Reader? They get into a fight and reader is so stressed that they get overheated and ends up passing out? Like their pulse is fast and out cold for a few hours. Thanks chu 💫✨⭐

Hiiiii hun, I missed you! ❤ Of course. Its always a pleasure. Here is the result and I reallyyyyyyy hope you like it.❤

Arthurs hand in yours felt warm and familar. It was the only thing to hold onto in this cold, dark world, especially here in Gotham city. Walking through those crowded streets usually wasnt fun. But today he was by your side. The two of you together. Hand in hand. There was nothing in this world you needed more. Even though it was just a regular day, there was that moment of pure happiness.

You just came back from Arthurs appointment with his new therapist and she seemed so much nicer than Dr Kane. She even allowed you to be present for the whole time, because Arthur was more than nervous about meeting her for the first time. He didnt had  any good experience with his former ones. Arthur wished for someone to listen. Now that he was with you, he always had someone to talk to. But he still wanted to go to therapy, he wanted to get better and he needed to go there,to get his meds.

Arthur was very toughtful with his medication. Sometimes he took one more pill in the hope to find some sleep, but besides that he was trying his best to take his meds like he should. He knew it was important to talk about his thoughts and he felt the need to do so.

The new doctor seemed nice and asked him to start a brand new journal. She thought it was time to let the old diary go. It was nothing more but bad memories of loneliness and with you on his side, his lonely times were finally over .  Arthur smiled when Dr. Tyler told him so. He liked the idea of a new journal. So you both went into the city to get him a new one.

Arthur sqeezed your hand while he held his new diary with the other. It was dark red, his fave color. "I`ve got lots and lots of blank pages now" he said.

"Yes, I bet they will be filled with some new jokes tonight?" you blinked at him, which almost made him blush. It was so easy to make him blush. He was so innocent at heart.

"Nahh I think I will write some poetry tonight, especially for you."

"Oh Artie, you`re the sweetest"

"Dont say that before you read the poems" he laughed.

"I know they`re going to be beautiful"

He pressed his new diary to his chest "I dont know....sometimes I think I`m not good with words. I mean, besides from joking. Its hard to put my feelings into words. Especially love. I mean. I feel it. I feel so much of it. Too much actually. Its so much it feels like the words and letters are too tiney to fit all these emotions in them because the emotions are like....endless... and....." he looked at you and  noticed the grin on your face "See? Thats what I mean. I am not good in this. At all."

"It was actually pretty impressive".

A shy smile crossed his thin lips "Thank you, honey".

You felt happy for him. Arthur appriciated the little things in life. Like holding hands or a brand new journal. A poem.

Life in Gotham was often overwhelming but hand in hand you both created your own little world. You made the universe as small as you wanted to.

You just crossed the street as you noticed a very small man being kicked by a puff looking dude. Arthur immediately noticed. He knew these kinda situations too well.

"Arthur look, what is happening over there?"

He let go of your hand and ran up to them "Oh my god, thats Gary!"

He was a fast runner and it was almost impossible to be as fast as he. The traffic got in the way  and for a second he was out of sight.

"Arthur?!"

He waved for you to come over.

He was kneeing down at Garys "Gary, my god, are you okay? Did he hurt you?" His workmate tried to get up "Its okay Art, I think I`m fine. Maybe a broken a bone or two".

"You are joking right?" Arthur seemed confused. Sometimes he couldnt tell if someone made a joke or not.

"His bones are not the only ones getting broken today" the muscular guy laughed.

"Excuse me, what?" Arthur got up but not before making sure Gary was able to walk.

"You heard me, you clown. Thats what you both are, right? Fucking clowns. I saw you working for HaHas."

Arthur took a step closer "So what?"

You took his hand "Arthur , I think we should go home right now"

Gary was standing right next to you, holding his arm, a painful look on his face.

Arthur focused the stranger "No. I mean, my friend was just attacked by this guy and I really want to know why".

A cruel smile formed on the attackers face "Because I felt like it, clown boy. I mean look at this freak" he pointed at Gary.

There was something in Arthurs eyes you havent seen before "Dont ever call him a freak again. He is my  friend!"

"Awwwww" the tall guy yelled "Sweet" and just as he said so, he punshed Artthur in the face. Bloods of drop dripped down his nose.

"Ohhh clwon boy got a red nose. How tragic!"

Your touched Arthurs cheek "Oh my god, are you okay? Baby?"

The attacker couldnt stop laughing "Baby! Hahaha. Yeah . Thats what he is" and his fist punshed Arthur right into the stomach. Arthur fell down on his knees, bending forward from pain. Gary whimpering in the background. This was all too much.

Arthur pulled his gun.

The stranger took two steps back "Calm down, pal."

"Leave now or you will see what clown boy can do" Arthur coughed while the blood was running down his nose.

"Arthur, don`t. He`s not worth it" Gary cried behind you.

You almost forgot how crowded this street was. But no one seemed to notice. No one ever seemed to care here in Gotham city.

The attacker turned around and ran away. Arthurs gun disappeared in his pocket.

Watching him pulling out his gun was too much for you.  You almost thought he would do something.

"Arthur you almost...." you felt the heat floathing your body. It was uncomfortable.

"No, I didnt. I only wanted to scare him. Its not even loaded."

His words should have camled you down but it was already to late for that. Your pulse was racing from stress. And the moment Arthur took you in his arms , your vision started to blurr.

The next thing you remembered was waking up on Arthurs couch. His huge, green blanket covering your whole body.

Arthurs curls tickeling your nose. The familiar smell of Prell shampoo and his cigarettes.

You were home.

How did you got here?

You tried to recall what happened.

Gary.

There was an attacker and Arthur got into a fight with him.

You tried to remember more but everything seemed like a dream you forgot the minute you woke up.

"Darling?" you said with a sleepy voice while you felt Arthurs arms tight around your body.

"I`m here, Y/N. I`m right here. You are home. Everything is okay."

"I cant remember...what happened....is Gary okay,too?"

"He is" Arthur whispered into your ear. You now noticed that quiet music was playing in the background.

He kissed into your hair "He got away with some scratches."

You turned your head to face him "You`re nose is hurt" you kissed the tip of his nose.

"Thats....nothing. I`ll be fine. The most important thing is how you feel. You passed out. "

"Ohh....thats why I cant remember anything...this happenes when I get stressed out".

Arthur stroke your hair "I`m so sorry, its my fault.I should`t have pulled out that fucking gun".

"You only wanted to protect Gary "

"Yeah...."

"Dont blame yourself,Arthur. " you rested your head on his chest "I cant even remember you bringing me home. "

"I carried you all the way home. You coudln`t walk."

"Oh my god..."

He pulled you even closer "Tell me if there is anything I can do...."

"Just hold me....and could you....could you please kiss my neck until I fall back to sleep? I feel like I need some rest...After I fell asleep you could start the first page of your journal and tomorrow you can show me the poems you wrote? That would be nice."

"Of course darling" Arthur placed his smirk right on the spot he knew so well, placing one kiss after another, one as gentle as the other.

You thought about the unwritten poetry and what he might write for you.

But for now his lips on your skin was the most beautiful poem ever written.

[confessions-of-a-blogger]

Karma, or bollocks?

I wanted to write what's happened in my life for a while, well, my adult life. I find writing very therapeutic and something I have enjoyed doing since I was 13, so 16 years now.

I haven't found the need too, but now, I do.

It's going to paint myself in a bad light, or a good light, you can judge I am fine with that, I have lived with these choices for a long time, some more recently fair to say.

In the words of Nickelback 'Something's gotta go wrong cos I'm feeling way too damn good'

I always say out of every negative, and there can be alot, there is a least one positive. I hope by the end of this, I find that positive.

So the beginning, kind of. October 2012.

I was with a girl, but went to America for a month with my best friend at the time. He used to live there and I came into a bit of money, always wanted to go to the states, and had the most wonderful month.

About 2 weeks in I got a scent that something was happening between my partner and someone else, and I was right. I snooped on her Facebook inboxes, and found she had been talking to a girl, more than talking really, flirting, saying she wish she could be with her, the usual jazz. Which, I had done myself previously, and I deserved it to happen to me. I jumped from relationship to relationship for years, my therapist said it was because I didn't feel loved by my mum after years of abuse, I always went from woman to woman to find the love, and I agreed.

When I came back, I was expecting to break up with her, but I was about to look after my friends dog in his flat for an unknown period of time, and she had told her mum this, so her mum kicked her out.

With nowhere to live, I felt like it was now my responsibility, so we spoke and worked on things.

A few months down the line, she fell pregnant, and I was over the moon. I always wanted the family life, even after the red flag, but unfortunately she miscarried.

Then things changed slightly. Controlling behaviour, both our heads in the wrong places, still trying to hold a relationship together, and of course still sleeping together, and she fell pregnant, again.

This time I was at fault, I didn't wanna be with her, and I figured she was going through my phone, so I left her things to find so we could break up.

Then I felt horrible. I left my pregnant partner. Regardless of if I wanted to be with them, I should not of done that, at that time, so we got back together, and she miscarried, again.

2 back to back nearly killed us both off. So I made it clear I didn't want to try again and she went onto the pill.

Which she then stopped taking, and on her highest ovulation day she got me drunk, we fucked, and she fell pregnant a third time.

Not wanting to make the same mistake, I stayed. For a while. The thought that someone just went behind my back to get pregnant after I made it clear I couldn't cope with another miscarriage brewed. I had already struggled with mental health from the years of abuse by my mum, I didn't want to go through a third and come out alot worse.

We got to 12 weeks, and everything was okay with baby, but I knew I needed out. It was a massive betrayal of trust, and I could no longer trust her.

Her birthday came up, then Christmas and New year, so I didn't act on this, I didn't want to cause more stress and miscarry again.

In Jan 2014, after a month of just basically both of us talking to other people, I ended it, and a month later I was with someone else. Needless to say, it wasnt a good thing. I felt like I was being blackmailed by my ex to do all these things just so I could see my unborn. I always wanted children, and said I would do anything to see them as often as possible.

In May that child was born, and it was the most amazing feeling in the world. The blackmail continued and in August it all came out that I had been essentially having an affair, not that I wanted it, and that caused strain on my relationship at the time. I was wrong, very very wrong to do what I did, and should of stood my ground, but maybe the rest of this story will show you how hard that would of been.

Things were hard, I was being stopped from seeing my child as often as I liked, and it was a case of 'can you have her tomorrow' always at short notice, and always having to juggle work around that. When I couldn't change shifts at short notice, things got worse. Arguing on her side, emotional abuse, the works. Child as a weapon.

After a few months, I would say February 2015, contact turned very very minimal.

In March, my partner cheated on me twice, with the same person, but I loved her and accepted that as she accepted my actions the year before. And we moved passed it, even if it was on the anniversary of my mum's death.

A few more months down the line, the contact with my child stopped completely, and over the years no matter how hard I tried, for a while, I got nowhere.

My partner cheated on me a further 3 times, and in 2016 she left me for someone else. 7 weeks later we found out she was pregnant.

She told me she hadn't slept with the guy the first 2 weeks but she was 7 weeks pregnant. So we got back together. I was dating someone, someone I wanted to date for a while, but felt this was the right thing to do. If I had one chance to make it work I had to take it. I didn't miss an appointment, and I only just missed the birth. Then we did the DNA, and in the best Jeremey Kyle moment of all time, she told me she wanted a family with me regardless of the result, we would be a family and a day later, the DNA test showed that I was not the father.

I was okay for a few weeks, but I couldn't live with looking at a child that should be mine all the time whilst not being alllowed to see my own, once I said that, she left.

Then out of nowhere, my ex rings me, and I see my eldest for a while, a month or 2, before she got back with her fella and the contact stopped, again.

Then I lost my job, and had nothing. Time to rebuild, whilst being off sick for 3 years.

In that time I met someone, they were super nice and we had good times, but truthfully, I was still hung up on my ex for 2 years, and then I chose to settle. I hadn't had nice before, things were good. I thought I would finally grow to love her, and I did to some aspect, but I never fell in love.

Then one day, in February 2020, I walk into a shop and there she was. The person all these soppy love quotes are about, the person I dreamed of meeting since I was teenager, stood before my very eyes. At that point I knew I had to break up with my partner. If you look at someone else then you should not stay with the person you are with. I went in a further 3 times and every time all I could think was wow.

Then lockdown happened, and well, signs were there that my partner was pregnant. When lockdown ended in the summer, she came to mine, and low and behold, she was. 23 weeks pregnant.

We had one week to decide and we booked everything for an abortion, but, I was born at 24 weeks, so we both opted against it.

In September, I applied for a job at where the girl I always wanted to be with/find, and got it. At the same time, my partner gave birth.

I pushed my feelings to one side. They only grow when I think someone might be interested and that certainly wasn't the case. I now had a family to provide for, and that family life I always wanted with a nice, lovely, good looking girl, plus, the girl I liked and her bf both worked there, and I got on with both of them, so my feelings kind of disappeared to the back of my mind.

Then the job was made permanent, at a time when my relationship was failing, and over the course of a few months, things creeped in that made me unhappy, and I was so pissed off with myself that I just settled knowing it wasn't what I wanted. Stupid me, everything I wanted and got turned to dust, I thought being with someone nice meant that I would get the happy ending and a family life, but life doesn't work out like that.

But fate has its way sometimes. I had found my dream girl, I got the job, it was permanent, and out of all the people I worked with it was her I went to for advice, and it appeared we had similar thoughts, but also, we were both unhappy in our relationships to some extent, and I just got contact with my eldest again, for a while at least.

Then something amazing happened. She flirted. I couldn't believe it either, and then we became good friends, that helped each other out.

I spoke to my partner, told her I was unhappy, and we tried to work on it, but it got worse and my mind was made up. So I pretty much made it clear to the girl I worked with I liked her. I told her she was my type, and she seemed interested if i was gonna break up with my partner, and I was. Then I reacted to some pictures of her on her insta story, where she looked absolutely out of this world, and then suddenly we knew we had to break up with our partners.

She wanted to call a break but fate had its way again and they actually called things off, and so did I. Not to get with each other, but because we knew we were unhappy whilst being made happy by someone else. We had both checked out our relationship a while back, I guess we just forced each others hand.

Its not been a month, and I am crazy in love, but we aren't together, as much as I want that. We are taking things slow in terms of commitment and I am okay with that. I never thought I'd get this far. I only imagined we would go out on a works Christmas do or something and I might slide it in there how I feel, so the fact this all happened has been crazy.

Talking everyday, seeing each other often, and our first proper date coming up, and I am really living the dream.

But now, I haven't seen my eldest in months, and when I asked, she is 'too busy,' imagine if I said that.

Now I just get ignored often by both, and whilst I have had the month of my life, the bad is happening.

I'm now worrying its going to be 2 children I don't see, and that really would be karma for all the hurt I caused.

But at least I have you, my light in the dark times, you really really make me happy, and I have never felt like this before. Thank you for being there, and making me feel on top of the world.

Just to be shot back down by 2 people, ignoring, and making life difficult.

So is this karma, or is it bollocks.

[skzfairies]

🕊Hiiii!! I was wondering if I could have a ship with a little head cannon about our relationship type of thing? I’d like it with Ateez, Stray Kids and Twice. I’m a female and use she/her pronouns,5’9,brown hair, brown/green eyes, I have thicker thighs, I’m a Virgo and also an ISFJ. I’m pretty intelligent and my favourite subjects at school are English, Drama, History, Psychology and Geography. I have some mental health issues (anxiety/depression) and am also pretty sensitive to what people say so I’m not the biggest fan of teasing, I don’t mind it if you are very close to me though. I’m also pretty insecure about my appearance and mainly my personality, I also don’t really trust men so I would need someone who would help me through that. I also really love someone who is good at hugs and am low key into arms (oooooopsies), I also would like someone to be really good at comforting me when I’m sad or having a panic attack or crying (which kind of relates to the hugging). I’m more on the introverted side, but if you are close to me I will talk about anything I’m passionate about. I’m the mum friend of the group and am also the resident therapist of my friend group as I’m a good listener, I’m always taking care of others and helping them with their problems. I’m pretty loyal and if I find out someone is talking bad about someone I love deeply, it’s on site. I like music, fashion, makeup, dancing, writing, reading and any other forms of art. My favourite animals are dogs, followed closely by penguins, cone snails and elephants. Thank you!!🕊

thank you for sending this in!!!!! so first, stray kids. the first person that came to head was chan, he’s smart and he knows a lot of things, i just remember him telling us fun facts on vlive so i feel like you guys could spend nights just talking about you favorite subjects up into the late hours of the night. chan is also really thoughtful i feel like he’s playful but it’s also very light and he makes sure you know he’s joking whenever he does tease you, so i feel like that would match you very well. he gives amazing advice and he’s such a comforting person i feel like, too so that would be perfect for you :) when you had a long day you could just run up to him and he would just give you a hug and let you talk about it if you wanted and i feel like he would be so good at calling you down and making you feel safe, cuz like, his aura is so calming and comforting if that makes sense 😭😭😭 also, he has huge arms LIKE HAVE U SEEN HIM? he def gives good hugs 🤞🤞. both you and chan are really caring and look out for people a lot, and are extremely loyal so i feel like those two things go well for each other, since you both are always looking after others u need someone look are you, yk? i feel like if you two are just hanging out at the studio he would do more subtle things to make sure your okay, like ordering you coffee even if you didn’t ask, turning around and talking for you a bit so he could see how your doing, sorts of things like that. i feel like studio dates would probably happen a lot, and you guys would probably sit on the couch and work on songs together, he probably has a separate file that is just songs that you both have made together :( THATS SO CUTE and chan is also very passionate about music, writing, reading (i know he does read at least some, because some of his songs are related to books🤞) so you guys have that in common, you both could spend hours talking about that anywhere, the car, under the stars, in bed at 5am, and you wouldn’t even realize what time it was until your voices start to hurt.

now for ateez i’m kinda torn, i ship your hongjoong + san..... i’ll just write for both of them 🙄✋. so hongjoong + san, their zodiac signs go well with yours, SO ITS MEANT TO BE. you both could compare your signs together or make a chart together and just talk about the stars and the universe under the sky, wait thts actually so cute...ANYWAYS. okay so both of them are introverts, i thiught san wasnt, but anyways i feel like dating an introvert as an introvert myself it would just, work. because we would understand each other and we could have dates that are more on the quiet side and not as crowded together without draining ourselves. san is such a hyper person, you both could just talk and talk and joke around in your bedroom and you would have the time OF YOUR LIFE, like that man is so goofy and funny i feel like. hongjoong is more on the calm side, and he always knows what to say, i feel like with him your relationship will be more romantic, and san would be romantic as well but more on the goofy side? both hongjoong and san are extremely comforting, to me at least, and it’s another aura thing 😭😭but i feel like both of them would just hug you if that’s what you wanted or just sit with you and calming stroke your hair or hold your while you calm down and they would do breathing excersies if you wanted with you, and they would sit there for how ever long you needed and help you calm down, and if you wanted to talk about it they would give all their attention and give you the best advice they could think of in that moment....cries get me a hongjoong and san. san is also very very loyal, and i feel like this man would kinda be protective, like even in the little things, hongjoong too. like if you were about to run into something he would gently pull you away, if someone won’t stop texting you he would send them a message himself to tell them to stop, and if found someone hurt you, this man will not calm down until they apogized, you have to hold this man back from talking to someone that upset you himself 🙄✋. he would never do anything that you didn’t wanted, but he really just wants to know who hurt his baby, you your his baby, btw. THEY WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR YOUUUU, need a hug, won’t let go for hours, want to go to disney? he already bought the tickets. ANYTHINGGG, cried your relationship would be so precious

okay for twice...IM GETTING JEONGYEON VIBES OKAY IDK????? when i was reading your description (which by the way you seem like such a cool person omg woah you seem so cool and beautiful), i just thought of jeongyeon. shes very funny i feel like so she could make you laugh for hours on end, and she’s caring too. i feel like she would also care for you in subtle ways like bringing you a blanket if it’s cold or ordering extra of her food for you even when you said you weren’t hungry, holding your hand in big crowds, she would always ask if you were okay or comfortable, but through out the day i feel like she would do those actions and she would just be :(((( SO CUTE. dies i love her, i love her so much. also jeongyeon seems like she would give such good hugs oh my gosh, whenever she would hug you you could just feel safe and comforted and loved, and she always knows whenever to hug you, like you had a stressful day? she’s already running and hugging you and starting your favorite movie and letting you rant. she would be such a good listener too, like no matter how much you rant to her she would remeber the little things that you told her and would make note of it and just, do things to suit you better, yk? she always wants the best for you, and is always looking out for you. she’s also very very loyal, and she’s so truthful too. she tells you anything that happens and your guys relationship is just so healthy :(((. and whenever you talk passionately about your interest, she would sit there and listen and talk about it with you, and she just thinks your so smart (which u are!) and shes just in awe with all the knowledge that you have, like that’s her favorite thing about you. she loves how passionate you are and that you love so many things, she could just sit there for hours listening to you talk :((

i hope this answered your request! thank you for sending this in and i hope you have a great day <3333

[voidselfshipp]

Tender heart

[Chapter one]

Tw:mentions of past trauma andfood

Summary: jericos first week on the job as team rainbows psicologist was boring, until her first patient walks in for help and later that day a friend of her takes her to the sea to talk.

Ok to rb

Its been a week already, jerico silently sat on her Office, the cracking of the Fire was the only thing that could be heard, the houseplants hanged from the ceiling, two sofas infront of the fireplace, and her desk with cluttered Papers books a warm Cup of tea and a family photo.

She had been introduced in team rainbow last week, so far none of the operators didnt come by to talk.

See,her job was more of a moral support and psicologist, it was boring since no-one came by for help.

Distracted from her thoughts by her pet eagle playing in her bird playground, nibbling at the plastic keys hanging from a pole.

The bird caws flying to her owners shoulder nuzzling jeris hair cawing.

--its been very boring week, dont you think sunshine?--she scratches under the eagles beak smiling as sunshine nibbled on her finger playfully.

She then sighed thinking itll be like any other boring day,nobody would come by and her resume at the end of the week for Harry would be empty.

Sunshine flied back to her playground and entered the medium sized wooden house.

The silent falls heavy on the room again, she clicks her pen trying to get herself distracted.

A psicologist that struggles with intrusive thoughts,aint that ironic?.

But then,the little bell ontop of her door rang, hesitant soft steps are heard as a Man, around fifty enters.

He pushes his dishveiled dark brown hair back, panting softly, he seemed to be in a hurry--uh hello?-- he wasnt sure how to start conversations.

Jeri looked up when she heard the chime,and smiled warmly at the newcomer-- welcome--jeri would be lying if she told you that a feeling of excitement didnt settle on her chest when the Man entered and sat infront of her--whats the matter

The Man looked away,trying to think of a way of explaining it, he then remembered the file that was tucked neatly under his arm, he hands it to her--Harry told me to give this to you before our session

Jerico took the file and read it.

The first paper was more of a summary than a proper introduction.

"Ryad al-hassar Ramírez.

Age:53

Al-hassar suffers from chronic insomnia,slight shifts of mood outside work and an obssesion with his brothers murder.

The last one is a sensitive thing to talk about, proceed with caution".

Jer closed the file and left it on the table intertwining her hands togheter leaning in.

--Well ryad,before we start Ill introduce myself,I dont remember you in the line up when I got here last week,im jerico, nice to meet you

She extended her hand, and he shook it,he was a bit nervous, therapy wasnt the best thing for him during his life, hes a very Stubborn Man.

--well whats on your mind?-- she asked.

He struggled to find his words, maybe it was a mix of things, the cute therapist infront of him, the tenderness with wich she was handling him, and the fact that he hasnt had a proper therapist in a good while.

--Well, what can I say-- he started--things are a bit tense at the moment with ash's and kali's fight, then theres been talk of making me take a month off for health issues, I mean its ridiculous im perfectly fine!,maybe im low on energy but its nothing a couple of cups of coffee cant fix

She perked up, Ryad swore he saw her ears move a little when she looked up to him--Couple cups of coffee?--she inquired,his body tensed as he realized the slip up he just made--tell me ryad, how Many cups are we talking about, one? Two?

The Man looked away in shame, muttering --Five

He waited to be reprimated, he was ready to get yelled at as his previous encounters went, instead though he gained a warm hand on his wrist, squeezing it Gently--does those cups of coffee help you with your day?maybe that has to do with the talk of taking the month off

Ryad sighed his tone a bit more stern than before-- I dont need a month off, I just need to get some sleep,I can still do things!

Jeri flinches at the sudden elevation of his voice, Harry had told him that she was very sensitive to loud noises.

He calms down --Im sorry I..i shouldnt have yelled at you...

He heard her chuckle and softly shook his hand--Dont worry, I know what you meant, sometimes in order to do things we need to take a step back,it May hurt and we May hate it at first,but in the long run itll help-- she stood up, her hand leaving his and walking up to the water Cooler--Tea? Itll help you relax

It couldnt hurt at this point.

So they kept talking for a bit longer, ryad was slowly getting more and more convinced that maybe that month off would do him good.

He sighed chuckling softly looking up from his cup to jeri-- youre very good at this --He said.

--Hmm?

--im very stubborn but somehow you made me change my mind,I think ill take the month off

Jer smiled--well, If theres anything else I can do for you

He had loosen up and she took a glimpse to his charming and romantic self, she wasnt preparing for the following,though--can I get your number?--he playfully winked at her, she chuckled along with her cheeks red....she could always say its because of the fireplace.

--Well I can give you my card if you need anything,in your file says you live off base, so maybe itll be helpfull for you

She gave a small bussiness card and he took it shoving it in his pocket.

--Well, thats all--he said standing up handing her the cup--Thanks

Jeri smiled--Glad I could help!

When he left,she put her forehead against her desk sighing,rainbow had some good looking people, now her work would be extra difficult.

At afternoon she closed her Office,she told Harry to tell the operators to swing by her room if they needed anything.

Now there she was eating her food in bed, laptop on her legs watching a movie with sunshine tucked under her arm, sleeping soundly.

A soft Knock interrupted her dinner-- who is it?--she asked.

--its ngugi,ngugi furaha

Jeri leaves the PC and food on the bed running to Open the door--Wamai! Good to see you, whats up?

The kenyan Man leans on the windowsill,Him and jeri had become somewhat Friends since he had helped her move in.

--I just need to clear my mind,I was hoping we could go down at the beach and talk?

Oh yeah,ngugi had certain affinity with the sea, she figured it would make their talk be more loose, so she put on some flip-flops and went down to town and then to the beach.

Its a starry clear night, the sea rocked softly against the sand, both felt the Ocean as a home, it was something they had bonded over.

--So--jer said with hands on her pockets--whats on your mind?

He proceded to tell her about the fight between ash and kali,how worried he was that it would end up in something worse, fearing that it would spark into something more violent.

They stopped and sat near the shore,she put a hand on his back patting it softly.

--I promise this Will be fine, Harry,zero and I are working hard on making sure this doesnt go even more south,for now id advice you to relax,tomorrow morning you could go for a swim,itll help you wind down

--I guess youre right--his arm pulled her closer, hed noticed she was shivering--Thanks jer

--Youre welcome.

They sat there in silence for a bit longer,enjoying the calm.

He was about to say something about heading back but jerico was already asleep, so he lifted her up and took her back to base to her room.

His own quarters were at the other side of the building, surely jerico wouldnt mind if he stayed the night.

This was confirmed when not only did he felt jeri make herself comfortable against his back but her own eagle, who had fame of being very protective over her owner, cuddled up to him.

He chuckled petting the bird,then Yawning, turning off his brain for the night, with an inexplicable feeling of warmth on his chest.

[theworldsoul]

I'm concerned. I'm not expecting any notes on this, but whatever. I hate how this has become a vent blog, but whatever. I need to talk about this.

I was sorta in a good mood today and I was talking about my interests all happy, talking about my fave slipknot member, my fave homestuck trolls, my fave mcr member, my fave animes, like idk I just felt happy.

I was talking cos my mom said she would listen but the whole time I was trying to talk about my interests she kept interjecting with these weird questions and comments and I felt like she didnt care about what I was saying, or like she wasn't listening??? And it was lowkey hurtful because these are... my interests. I'm really into this stuff. Like "hey, I'm gonna talk about things I like."

But the concerning part is the things she interrupted with. Like... it's very insensitive of her to bring up dark shit like that when I'm... happy... talking about my fave bands.... its VERY insensitive. The very mention of these things makes me UPSET but she doesn't seem to care? I need to mentally prepare to talk about these things. Talking about these things makes me feel drained and upset the rest of the day. These things HURT. It's like I was stabbed and I'm slowly pulling the blade out. So to try and talk about it when I'm caught off guard is so fucking insensitive, so fucking mean and HURTFUL. Okay? I found that hurtful. Obviously she doesnt know what shes talking about really, like the way she speaks I can TELL she doesnt know what shes talking about, but idk, it still hurts. Even if that wasnt her intention.

She kept being like "how are you feeling... inside? How are you feeling about your body? Are you still trans? Was it a phase? Are you depressed? Are you okay? I want you to see a psychologist" With this Concerend Voice and this Worried Face And like... woah okay way to barrage me with deep shit the moment I sit down to relax and be happy. I wasnt ready for these sorts of questions so I got scared.

My mom doesnt get like this unless she notices I've hurt soemone or myself. My parents dont start to care until someone's been physically hurt. I ask her why shes being so weird. She responds with "I've seen something I shouldn't have."

THATS SO FUCKING CONCERNING. WHAT DID SHE SEE? my bloody band aids and shit are still there, my knife is still there, nothings been touched in my room. Where my shorts too short today? Was my thigh visible? Did she see my breakdown on the sidewalk?

I never got to know the details of what she had seen and how, because she started saying shit like "u better not be cutting omg I'm gonna tell ur dad :) if you wont tell me :)" and she was acting all upset but like... DOES SHE REALIZE THE HARM SHES DOING? if she tells my dad he will be angry. Bye bye phone, bye bye video games, music, art, bye bye anything I ever loved, hello intense therapy that I'm just gonna lie my way through anyway.

So like, all these questions about "are you cutting urself? Show me. You better not be." Made me fucking SCARED. I'm afraid. I feel like a little rabbit running away from a wolf. I said I was tired, wanted to sleep, and I got the hell outta there.

But I'm concerend. Because she KNOWS I relapsed. I might be punished for this. And I dont want to be.

I don't want to see a fucking psychologist either. I'm fucking done with psychologists. Nobody can understand the complexities of my issues like I can. Nobody can understand like I do. Nobody can help me except myself. I've seen a few and... I never really told EVERYTHING. Some things are too personal to tell people. Some things are too serious. Some things will get you in trouble, in deep fucking trouble. Some things I can't discuss with any sort of adult in my life.

I just need to.... pull myself together?

God its painful. I don't think I'll ever get better. I just need to get better at hiding it, keeping it down. Not acting up.

I barely even know what's wrong myself, how is someone who doesnt even know me gonna help. How. Literally I've had them deny anything was wrong with me, I've had them tell me i was a horrible person, I've had them upset at me.... only good therapist I've ever had was the one who diagnosed me with GD. But that's because it was for a diagnosis. In and out. Quick.

Now I need to deal with complex, deep rooted issues and I DONT WANT TO!!!! I dont want to go to fucking therapy and cry and come out feeling like I've been beat up and go in the car pretending I wasnt just crying 2 seconds ago in some office.

All this shit that's resurfacing? I give up. I'm not gonna deal with it. I'm gonna push it right back where it was before in the back of my mind in a locked box. Because that's where it's best kept. It's too MUCH to discuss and work thru. It's too complex... so complex I feel like I cant tell truth from fiction.... too complex to discuss and work thru.

Best to just pretend it never happened.

AND MOVE ON!!! IM SUCH A STUPIF FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT IDIOT. Why am I stuck on old stuff that happened a long time ago. Why. Get over it pussy. Get over it you stupid fucking baby. I'll kill you.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

tw sa or discussion of sa and maybe ptsd

im not sure if this is the right place to ask, or if i should ask even but im almost certain i was sexually assaulted a year ago, except i didnt really know thats what it was until now? i thought it was just a regular sexual experience that happened to leave me feeling gross and uncomfortable afterwards. the thing is i cant remember if they asked for my consent or not, or if i gave it really. i remember the whole encounter wasnt really wanted on my part, but i was too anxious to say no. ive never been good at saying no to people im afraid if their reaction. either way, i was a minor when it happened and i still am and idk how to process this. i keep telling myself they didnt mean it and it doesn't count as sa bc of that, idk if thats true or not. im pretty sure ive experienced ptsd symptoms, too. my therapist says (from what ive told her) that im hypervigilant even while im asleep because i wake up during the night sweating. i also think about and remember the event very often and its upsetting to me i regret ever talking to her in the first place. i couldve prevented it if i just said no. but also at the time i kind of wanted it? she was my first ever kiss and it makes me uncomfortable to think that now bc i wish she wasnt i wish i never met her. at night sometimes i find myself remembering what happened but as i remember im not disgusted? like im blank. and then the memory is over and i hate myself for thinking it. after she touched me she asked for the undergarments that i was currently wearing and i still don't know why she did that it made me so uncomfortable, that at least even if i cant remember if i was uncomfortable during the initial um, whenever she touched me, i am very uncomfortable thinking back on it ever since then, tho and i remember some things she did hurt and i wanted to tell her to stop but i couldn't. i don't think i was scared tho. idk what im trying to say here, i just want somebody to tell me if this was sa it not bc if it isn't im so so confused ab why its making me feel this way i hate it

Hey anon,

It can take time to recognize that what you went through was assault and not consensual. When we know better and have time to process things, we can realize that some of our past experiences were not consensual. Consent is a requirement before sexual activity. It is not consent if you feel unable to say "no."

Regardless of whether someone intends to hurt you, your feelings are valid. The experience can still be traumatic and considered abuse.

It's okay to have conflicting reactions and feelings about your memories. It's okay to be neutral about it sometimes, uncomfortable other times, or any other emotion. All survivors react differently to memories and other effects of abuse. Please go easy on yourself. You deserve empathy and care. You're not doing anything wrong.

Let yourself think about it and don't judge yourself for what you're feeling. You're going to be okay. Give yourself what you need, which is extra kindness and love. You deserve time and space to process this.

Take care.

- Mod Misa

[dailyandrewandaaron]

Could you write about Nicky joining in one of Andrew and Aaron’s therapy sessions, either as a buffer on some issue or to talk about the cousins relationships? (you can call out Bee or give them a different therapist if you want :))

I rewrote this one many times and this the version i settled on i hope its okay 

Andrew fidgeted in the chair wondering if he made the right choice . the idea of Aaron being in his space , the one space where he could be alone  , the one space where he had no  expectations put on him made him uneasy . things inside his head werent made for aarons ears . Aaron’s pain as well,  his anger infringing on his space he wasnt sure he wanted that he knew aaron didnt want that either. 

it was surprising to Andrew that his brother did in fact show up . it was surprising to Aaron as well . hed made up his mind that he wasn't going to do through it but in the end the price was too much , he couldn't bare the thought of leaving Kate . so he was there sitting as far away from that woman as  he possibly could . aaron could see through Andrews tight lipped grins by now. his . He doesnt want me here.

“ I dont wanna be here either you know “ he announced" you dont like this either, do you? “ said Aaron fiercely.

“ what I like  and what you like has nothing to do with it.” Andrew answered coldly. 

“ so what I want doesnt matter , does it? “ andrew hissed

“ what is it that you from me Aaron” he sounded somehow both pained and bored.  “  I dont want anything from you, not anymore.” “ Andrew blinks at him slow and heavy “what do you  want then? “

“I  dont want any of this “ he waves his hand “ I want it to stop. I didnt ask for it .”

“ you did!” andrew snarled through gritted teeth “ I  only did what you wanted me to do”

“ you knew thats not what I wanted  not what i asked for.  I  just wanted a brother why couldnt  you just be my brother? “.

“ I am your brother “ andrew said darkly.

“ i just want to be normal, have a normal life “ said Aaron in a strained voice “ what is so wrong with that?”  

“Normal ? “ Andrew sneered “ What do you know about being  normal?”

“A damn lot more than you do” Aaron snapped“ I dont think so . Look at you , you’re a wreck. “Aarons  eyes fill with emotions none of them positive . He opened his mouth   Andrew  doesnt let him speak . he holds up a hand   “ I know , I know . its  all my fault , isn’t it? you can blame all your problems on me if you want but isn’t just me, is it now ? its you  as well. you’re beyond fucked up too and everybody knows it -  youre only ever “ normal”  to them when they you  measure against me, dont you know that?  you cant even win  a competition of  who’s the worst out of the two of us - you cant even beat me at that. So go on ,tell me , how does that make you feel  Aaron?  Apparently, I wouldn’t know. “ Andrew leaned back in the chair nonchalantly. goading his brother had never been a particularly difficult task.  Aaron gulped and curled his fists. He thinks of replying but decided against  stands up and storms from the room slamming the door fiercely  on his way out . Andrew takes a loud slurp of his of hot chocolate and remarks bitingly cheerful “ well, thats that then “ but   then he  ducks his head ,cradles the drink  close and whispers secretly into it softly , sadly “ I knew he wouldnt stay”  

Aaron called matt and when he answered said only three words “ pick me up” 

 “ Didnt go well then “ matt asked aaron didnt reply. matt was used to getting the slient treatment from him by now  . Aaron stayed silent into they were almost back and then he said “ Hes right , isnt he ? im not normal. "

matt thinks before he answers “ there is no normal . not for us . thats why we’re foxes “  aaron takes this in but says nothing more . 

“ you shouldn’tve interfered “ nicky said “ this is something they have to work through on their own"  

“ - but they werent going to - were they ?” neil tells him 

 “ so youre on my side right ?“  aaron asked 

“ I dont take sides . “ nicky said “especially not with you two. “ 

“so you think this is a good idea 

“ this isnt going to be fixed in a an hour . we all know that . maybe you should give it a chance . ill go with you if you like . i wont say anything , not with you dont want me to . 

“ what about andrew ? he doesnt want me to  be there . 

“ he knows you . “ nicky tells him “ he knows how to push your buttons 

“I love ‘drew really . he admits “ he just  makes it difficult to sometimes . He makes my life difficult .

“ you do the same to him.  “ said neil unsympathetically

“well i didnt kill our mother . “ aaron retorts “ not that he wouldve cared if i had.” 

its only one hour. Aaron tells himself as steps inside the room again .” Look what the cat dragged in . “ andrew teased “ didnt think youd be back” 

“I didnt think so either “

  andrew raised an eyebrow as nicky followed him in   “are you okay with me being here? “ nicky asked waiting until Andrew agreed before sitting down if you want me to leave anytime I will , you just say okay? Andrew acknowledges this with the smallest nod “ I wont get in the way okay ? this isnt for me its for you two.”

“I want to say something “ aaron said quietly 

“ tell her not me “ andrew said  with a shrug 

“ No , this is for you . “ Aaron said determined “ listen to me andrew for once”

Andrew gave him his attention “ill give you ten seconds” he said playfully  

“ I know youre not sorry . I know I can never make you sorry.”

“ correct.“

“ I know because im not either . If i could do it again I would.  “ 

andrew eyes cloud slightly . “ I would burn the world for you .” he growled 

“ I know you would , but thats the problem see? “ andrew tilts his head . he does not see . “ I dont want you to burn the world.” Aaron explains “ i want you to let me live in it. “