#was an alright read tbh

[wabn]

“They go past him in a blur. Toro melts the barrel of his M1 and gives Cliff this cocksure grin… ‘like a firebomb with teeth’ Cliff said.”

Conspiracy || #1 || 1997

[klmmcqueen]

(nsfwish/suggestive followup under cut)

l kept thinking about how fun their texts would be

bonus:

[sualne]

orange and blue guys

[animentality]

a beta reader left a comment on my manuscript that was basically:

"this story is a waste of my time."

and it's like....

i have thick skin and all, since i've been working with beta readers for a long time, but...

ouch.

thanks, i guess. helpful.

[gemini-queen42]

Batb: Other Than Human - Themes stuff (& why I Called It That)

That's right folks, the self-indulgent "throwing any concept I like at the wall and haphazardly mixing together what sticks" au rewrite Thing has Actual Themes! That kind of happened accidentally but they are so real for that so let's get into it.

The Main Narratives Themes Trio of the story now all also embody expanded themes about being an "Other", when being a person is not enough to be properly considered human- more specifically of a neurodivergent/queer girlhood type flavor.

Summary is that it's called "Other Than Human" because the prominent theming is about being considered something other than human due to not fitting the mold of the 'norm'.

[This is a long one so details & specific character stuff are under the cut<3]

Amalure has the greatest departure from her original counterparts thematic placing, so we'll start with her. Amalure retains Gaston's social standing, reputation, etc. But it's of course not quite the same- because she is a woman, and she is not revered for being the picture of ideal womanhood/femininity. Instead, she excels in masculinity, but remains firm that she is and always will be a woman. So, to justify the desire & awe people have for her, they dehumanize her: She doesn't need to follow the Rules because she is outside of them. Amalure is not a person: she is a symbol, a figure, an object. A legend, a folksong, a modern myth. Her skills are not skills they are blessings, inherent, a mundane magic or supernatural. Despite having grown up in Villeneuve for her entire life, she is considered exotic, and is practically, if not actually, fetishized. And through all of this, the status quo and social order gets to be retained without question, and she gets to exist as the exception that proves the rule, rather than the Undesirable that she'd be marked as otherwise.

Amalure is fine with this, because this dehumanization is her status quo: She doesn't really view herself as a person either, she is defined by her relationship to other people, by who she is to them. Amalure has never been a person to anybody: Growing up she was never just a girl, never just Amalure: She was a girl with a mans brain, an embodiment of her fathers greatest achievements, an embodiment of her mothers worst mistakes, she is her fathers daughter or her mothers daughter, but not her own. (and she never both, it is either or, mother or father, never both, never parents.)

Princess Eve/The Beast is the other end of this, of operating through her dehumanization. Upon being cursed, she adheres to what societies have oft wanted to happen to their Undesirables: Hide away and never be seen by the public again. It is entirely self-inflicted, as most of her suffering truly is. She operates not through others dehumanizing view of her, but her dehumanizing view of herself and its warping of how she believes others view her. Because, well, the servants still view her as a person. I mean, they're still human- under the new object forms. And the separation of humanity that is easy to slip into on matters of royalty is awfully minimal as well; they watched her grow up, and she grew up among them.

The girl's bratty, spoiled, temperamental, and is a ball of horrid consequences of the shallow views and ideals learned from surrounding nobility. But she's also the girl that fell asleep listening to Cogsworth explain the many technicalities to managing servants; because she was stubborn in asserting her authority as the mistress of the castle, and thus she Must have say over its goings ons. But the majordomo's voice can be awfully soothing when he's not high-strung on anxiety, and it's hard to pay attention when you don't understand what's being discussed, so its all going in one ear and out the other. And She's Lumiere's 'Evie', who was so amused when Lumiere would draw on a little mustache when dancing the male roles so the princess could learn some duo dances, or because she didn't look very "waiter-like" (because Eve wasn't entirely sure what a maître d' did, but it seemed to have something to do with waiters), and who got annoyed every time the dance teacher/maître d' would warn her not to hurt her body in her pursuits, because it seemed so silly, why would anyone do that? And she's the girl who dragged Mrs. Potts to have tea with her, because she made the best tea and as princess she would have only the best; and if you're going to have tea you may as well have a tea party, and you can't really have a party of one, but two isn't much of a party either so she's going to drag Babette away from her duties too, since the maid was so elegant and thus would be perfect.

Honestly, the girl probably would've turned out fine if she was raised by just the servants. But they weren't the only forces in her life: she's a princess, so she's got to host and interact with important people and learn how to Be noble which isn't something any of the servants can teach her. And it is under the pressures and eyes of nobility, is in mixing and learning their social rules, that learns the lessons that will lead to her curse: That to be considered human and treated as such, one must look human. And to be such as a woman meant to look beautiful, like the ideal. As a woman, to be worthy is to be beautiful and vice versa. And even if she does not, she must have some way to serve men. Otherwise, she is nothing. Eve met these requirements well, and where she did not yet her authority as princess covered. So when a beggar woman is at her doorstep, the princess turns her away: because she is old, ugly, so long past her 'prime'- there is no worth to her anymore. There is no point caring for her future.

Helene stands as both the middle ground and inverse to the other two. She is an Other by virtue of her mind, she is Objectifiable by virtue of her beauty. She sits on the precipice between Undesirable and Desired, seeming nearly apathetic to where she lands despite popular encouragement to embrace or smother aspects of herself. Helene is quite sure she's a person like anyone else, thank you, and is frankly frustrated and a bit weirded out that others seem to have a hard time getting the memo- she doesn't like or want to assume the worst, though, so maybe she just missed another confusing untold social rule or something. I mean, the local triplets really do seem to be advising in good faith- they really do think of her as one of them to an extent (for reasons Helene is yet to know); they just don't understand her.

When Amalure pursues her, there's an unspoken aspect to the deal of marriage she proposes: Helene will get a secured place on the in of the community, a secure standing the promises people no longer questioning or trying to encourage her to no longer be herself. But Helene just isn't interested in Amalure like that, and she also sees what the real trade-off of that security is; that uncomfortable dehumanization that is exactly what Helene doesn't want to deal with anymore. If Amalure is fine living with it than she is free to do as she pleases, but the huntress doesn't seem to understand what Helene could possibly have a problem with- and it's not like they can discuss it, because it's unspoken, and you're not supposed to speak the unspoken things, because they're unspoken for a reason- even if you don't know what that reason is. Helene knows that rule, at least.

When Helene meets the Beast, she regards her as she does any other. It's plain as day that the Beast has a humanity to her, whether she's really "human" or not- she thinks and she feels, and that's enough for Helene.

Because Helene grew up raised by a single dad who she got most of her brain workings from, and he is a man of compassion and science. Off he'd send his beloved daughter to go and question and figure out the world for herself, to experiment and learn and become whatever she desires. Off to bed he'd send her to tell her fairy tales and have their lessons of love and compassion and humanity understood as she drifted off to sleep. Helene was never Odd with her father, never Other, in fact they were so easily two of a kind. It was so jarring, hearing people imply Tyndare less than sane; his logic paths were so easy to follow- but apparently his voice gruffs enough that others have a hard time understanding what he's saying sometimes, so that's where things seem to get lost in translation she guesses. People became jarring in other ways as she grew up too, because suddenly there seemed to be lots of social things she was supposed to know or be but didn't and wasn't, and it became very apparent very quickly that she was an Other among her village.

Overall: Eve & Helene get to go through these themes through the main plot, and post curse-breaking is when Eve gets to properly deal with the internalized issues and whatnot. Like she's learned beauty doesn't matter when it comes to love, and shouldn't decide whether or not someone should be cared about, and Helene loves her despite her having been beastly and despite her being a failure of a woman- (because she no longer fits the feminine ideal after the curse is broken, and frankly she never will again.) But she's still a Failure Of A Woman and Helene deserves Better Than That! So there's still work to do.

Amalure remains static on this aspect of the narrative until after the battle at the castle, where she does survive! .. barely. and it's later, in an argument with her mother that same night, bleeding out on the kitchen floor, when she asserts that she's her daughter too, not just her fathers. she has always been her daughter, always will be, she is the daughter of both of them, because that's not something that just switches or turns on and off- and it's an entire rant that I will not recite here, but the important part is the assertion that she is, always has been, always will be, the daughter of both her parents at once- that's the first little step for her arc of recognizing her own individual personhood and whatnot.

[aaronstveit]

read in 2025!

it's that time again! i've been doing reading threads here since 2022, and i always enjoy them. as always, you can find me on goodreads and the storygraph.

The Murder of Roger Ackroyd by Agatha Christie* (★★★★★)

Winter Hours: Prose, Prose Poems, and Poems by Mary Oliver (★★★★★)

The Bear and the Nightingale by Katherine Arden (★★★★☆)

Moon of the Crusted Snow by Waubgeshig Rice (★★★☆☆)

The Examiner by Janice Hallett (★★★★☆)

The Girl in the Tower by Katherine Arden (★★★★★)

A Vindication of the Rights of Woman by Mary Wollstonecraft

Just Another Missing Person by Gillian McAllister (★★★☆☆)

*An asterisk denotes a reread. **Two asterisks denote an ARC.

[salparadiselost]

This fish is so gay

[theha1rarch]

"She's My Mother, But She Has Never Been a Mother."

aka pluto wrote a six page (literally the doc is six pages long) long emotionally shattering drabble involving steve, patricia, technically the winchesters, & too many fucking feelings

i gotta tag the fam in this bc a) y'all are involved, & b) trust me - you wanna read this sorry it's so damn long though ... @milleroptimism @wantdead @patchedstars @dgrayd @lilyspaintedred @littletavpole

steve knows this might be a bad idea, that he might end up regretting agreeing to this - but his mother had insisted, had insisted and insisted that she just wanted to talk to steve privately before she left and so - after telling everyone else it’d be fine. he’d be fine. they’d gone to a private room in the house and now …

here they are. sitting across from each other, neither of them have said a word so far but steve isn’t as nervous as he could be, isn’t as afraid. if this had been his father, that might be a different story. but it’s his mother, here in the place he feels the safest, and he can do this.

he looks to her, deciding to take the first step and the be the one to speak. “so, mom -” and doesn’t that word just feel weird to use. heavy and bitter on his tongue when it’s in reference to the woman across from him. because she’s not his mom. his mom is in the next room over. “what did you want to talk to me about?”

patricia is quiet for a moment, before she seems to gather herself and offers steve a small smile, crossing her hands in her lap. “steve, darling, come home with me. please?”

it’s steve’s turn to be quiet for a moment, before he swallows - licking his lips and then speaking. looking directly at her once more. “why should i?”

patricia blinks back at him and he can tell, he can just tell she’s holding herself back. probably from calling him out for his ‘attitude’. “what do you mean, dear?”

“why -” steve starts. “should i go home with you? genuinely tell me, i want to know why.”

“well because i - we miss you, and we want you home with us. so we can be together again, we’re a family and it’s where you belo -”

but she doesn’t even get the chance to fully get her sentence out before steve is laughing. straight up fully laughing in her face.

and once again patricia doesn’t say anything. just abruptly cuts herself off, snaps her mouth shut and tightens her hands in her lap. it’s once again obvious she’s holding herself back.

after steve is finished laughing, he gives a little shake of his head as his gaze settles to her once more. “well, first of all, you don’t gotta lie to me, mom.”

“w-what?” is asked, her tone pinched - body wound so tight steve’s surprised she doesn’t hurt herself.

he rolls his eyes now, letting out a sigh. “you don’t want me home because you miss me or because you want me there. you want me home so you and dad don’t gotta go back to an empty house and worry about the neighbors talking when i’m not with you.”

patricia uncrosses her hands now, leans forward in her seat a little as her face takes on an almost desperate expression. “no, steve, dear, that’s not true. that’s not at all why, we - that … that’s not important.” she tries for another smile, a little shake of her head.

steve is quiet for a moment once again, before -. “if it’s not true and it really is because you miss me then where the hell have you been for the past several months?”

this time he doesn’t get an answer at all. this time she just quiets again, saying nothing - having the decency for once in her life to almost look ashamed.

steve lets out a little scoff, shaking his head once more. “yeah, that’s what i figured. i’m not fucking coming home, mom.”

patricia looks back up at him now, doesn’t even admonish him for his language and she once again looks desperate. “steve, dear, please. don’t do this. i promise we can change, we’ll try and be better.” 

it takes everything in steve not to start laughing again, but he does give another scoff - raising a brow. “right, yeah, sure, okay. like i haven’t heard that before.”

of course she looks confused now, of course she does. “what? when? what are you talking about, darling?”

she’s never used this many pet names for him one sitting, he can’t help but absentmindedly note before he answers her. “how about when i was ten and we were leaving the er after your husband gave me my first ever concussion? i’ve had four more since then, by the way. but i’m sure you knew that. just like you know i can’t hear out of my left ear, right? or … how about when i was twelve and was terrified out of my mind because there was a storm shaking the whole damn house and i was completely alone and i called your hotel crying. and after your husband yelled at me on the phone for fifteen minutes for bothering you so late, you came on and said those exact words … promised me you’d be home tomorrow … and you didn’t come home for three weeks after. still don’t like storms, by the way. or the dark, for that matter. or how about any of the million times i almost died over the past several years but you were never there but you sure as hell could make empty promises … or how about when i graduated from fucking high school and you weren’t there. and you were so quick to try to reassure me with those damn words … until you found out i didn’t get into college. then all you and your husband cared about was telling me how much of a disappointment i was to you. how about any of those times?”

patricia is quiet for a lot longer this time, several long minutes past and steve is about ready to just get up and walk away - ready for this conversation to be over, not expecting her to actually try any longer before … “steve. i - … i’m sorry you feel this way. but - i - this … you can’t stay here, steve. this isn’t right. these people, they aren’t actually your family. you hardly know them. that - woman out there. she doesn’t know you, she didn’t birth you. and she … she’s got so many other children, do you really think she can give you the attention you deserve?”

and steve, steve just stares at her - stares long and hard at the woman across from him, almost as if he can’t believe her. and honestly, he kind of really can’t. he didn’t think they could surprise him any more - but apparently he was wrong. “yes, i do.” he finally answers, his words slow and deliberate - as if he’s explaining something very complicated to her. “because she’s given me more attention in the past several months than you’ve given me my whole. entire. life.”

this time it’s patricia who lets out a scoff, throwing her hands up in the air. “i sincerely doubt that’s true.” and she’s clearly not holding back anymore.

and if she isn’t, then steve isn’t. “like hell it’s not.” he says, shaking his head and hating the way he can hear the anger in his tone.

“steve … come on now. stop acting like this. why are you being so …” and she trails off a little, suddenly as if she’s holding herself back again.

but steve, steve’s done with that. he’s done with the pretending. “so what, mom?”

“so unfair to me.”

and that. that’s it. that’s the trigger, that’s what lights the fuse in steve that’s been there since they sat down for this conversation and before he can really think of it - he’s on his feet, standing, almost looming over her.

“i’m being unfair to you? i’m being unfair to you? you’re kidding me, right? like you’re actually fucking kidding me?” and he knows his voice is rising in volume, he knows it might not be long before this conversation ends up a little more public than it’s meant to - but truly he can’t bring himself to care right now.

“no!” and his mom doesn’t seem to care any longer either. “no! i’m not kidding! you’re acting ridiculous, steve. and i truly don’t understand why. i don’t understand why you’re being this way. this isn’t how we raised you.”

“you didn’t fucking raise me at all!” and yeah, he’s definitely yelling by now. “so don’t even start on that shit. but, you wanna know why i’m acting like this? why i’m apparently being so unfair to you? because i - i’m fucking tired! i’m so fucking tired of you! and dad! and all your bullshit!” and he’s angry, he’s so angry right now his hands are shaking as he slides them through his hair - tugging hard. “i - i spent my whole life. my whole entire fucking life, from the time i was literally a child, thinking that i deserved everything you did to me. the way you treated me. maybe at first i thought it was normal, maybe at first i thought that just how parents were, but once i realized it wasn’t … i thought it was me. i thought there had to be something wrong with me, that there was some fucked up part of me that made it impossible for you guys to love me, to treat me normal, or whatever.”

he takes a second to pause, and he’s still angry - but all that age-old hurt is cropping up fast and now he’s trying really hard not to cry. he takes in a deep breath and slowly lets it out, patricia isn’t saying a word. she’s just sitting there. watching him. “but then, but then i came here. and i met these people, and that woman out there who you wanna shit talk so badly, and never once have they made me feel that way. never once have they made me feel like there’s something wrong with me, like i’m fucked up or broken or something. since the beginning, all they’ve shown me is love. like that unconditional type shit. even when they didn’t know me very well yet. and the thing is, they don’t have to. like you wanted to point out - sarah, my mom, didn’t birth me. but she still loves me like she did, she still loves me like it’s as easy and natural as breathing. like … like …” you were supposed to, it isn’t said out loud - but he knows she understands - if the look on her face is anything to go by.

she’s still quiet though, still not saying a word. so once again, steve continues - the attempt at not crying only growing more difficult - especially as he thinks on these next words. “there … there’s a little girl here. that lives here. with us. and … she’s the same age that i was when i first asked myself what was wrong with me. why i couldn’t just … make you guys care. why was i so messed up that my own parents didn’t even want to be around me and … the thing is, no one here would ever let her feel that way. no one here would ever let her think there was something wrong with her - i … even if she did, we’d do our best to make sure she knew it was the furthest thing from the truth. and i just - i look at her, and i think about that, and i … of course we wouldn’t. because she’s - she’s just a little kid. and i … i was just a little kid.” and now … now the tears are falling, now it’s hard to hold them back any more. even if he’s trying his damndest to ignore them.

“and i just …” he sits back down in his seat now, wiping at his face - letting out another shaky breath. “i just don’t get it. i don’t get how you could do that to me, how you could treat me that way. i was just a little kid. i’d never fucking do that to her. and i just …” he shakes his head again. “i’ll never understand it, but - i know i didn’t deserve it. i might not have known that years, or even months, ago but i know that now. i never deserved any of it. because i was just a kid, and i didn’t do anything. except exist. and that pissed you off for some reason.”

he’s not crying any more now and he fully straightens up once more, finds himself fully facing her once again. “so no. i’m not coming home - though that place isn’t my home anyways - with you. i’m not going to leave just so things can go back to the way they’ve always been. so i can see you for three days before you’re taking off again. and then i’m stuck once again wondering why i wasn’t enough. no. i won’t go back to there. i won’t do that shit again. because i don’t deserve that. i deserve better than that. i deserve to be here. so i’m staying here. this is where i belong.”

if he thought patricia had been quiet for a long time before, it’s nothing compared to now. the two of them sit in silence as the minutes stretch on - staring at each other, but this time steve waits. he waits to see if he’ll actually get a response.

and finally, finally - after maybe a little too long, she gives a little nod and opens her mouth. “alright, steve. alright. clearly nothing that i say will make you come hom - come back with me, so alright. if this is where you want to be, then i can’t really stop you anyways. you’re of age. so, i guess that will be that. i’ll talk to your father, don’t worry.” she gives another little nod as if to confirm this.

and there’s a lot more steve wants to say, more he wants to ask. there’s a part of them that wants to question, that wants to beg her to actually address anything else he said. to actually pretend for once that maybe she cared, just a little bit. that maybe his words actually had any impact on her. that maybe, just once, she actually felt ashamed for the way she let him grow up. but, he has a feeling that won’t them anywhere anyways. because really, there’s no point in trying anymore.

“okay. so … are we done here then?” and he simply gets a nod in response. “okay, i’ll show you out then.”

and he rises in his seat again, she does as well - he guides her out of the room and as they cross into the next - into the others - he can feels eyes on them. on him. but he doesn’t stop, he doesn’t look, he doesn’t say anything - just continues to guide her to the front door. and once they reach it, he stops - opening it to let her out.

“well, i guess this is goodbye …” he starts, trailing off and when he faces her, there’s an expression on her face, that he can’t quite place. she gives another little nod now. “yes, i suppose it is.” she says, but it seems like there’s something holding her back - like she’s not ready to leave quite yet.

and he’s about to question it, about to ask what’s up, figure out why she’s stalling - when suddenly she’s stepping towards him and instinctively he tenses, unsure what is about to happen … when he feels arms wrapping around him. her arms.

he blinks several times, not sure how to process this. process the fact, that for the first time in his life, his mother is actually hugging him. actually hugging him, a full, real, hug, her arms wrapped completely around him, her warmth fully against him. and … well, he can’t quite help the way he ultimately reacts. as his eyes flutter shut, as he wraps his own arms back around her - and for a moment, for just a moment, he’s not nineteen years old, for just a moment he’s that little kid that wanted nothing more than a hug like this from his mom.

“i’m sorry.” and steve almost doesn’t believe it’s actually coming from her mouth, wouldn’t believe it if it wasn’t so close to his ear. “i’m sorry i wasn’t a good mother to you. i’m sorry i wasn’t the mother that you deserved.”

and those damn tears are threatening to fall once more. “thank you.” is what he breathes out, and it’s almost like a sigh of relief, and he can’t help the way he hugs her harder.

they stay like that for a few more seconds, before finally she pulls herself away and steve lets her go. she steps back enough to look at him - and as if this couldn’t get any more surprising, she reaches up to cup his face, albeit briefly. “you take care of yourself, alright, steve?”

and he bites back the urge to respond with something snarky - to give a response like ‘no worries, been doing it my whole life’, instead - he gives her the smallest smile he can manage. “you too, patricia.”

she doesn’t even seem to react to the name, just drops her hands now - steps back completely and with one final nod turns and makes her way fully out of the house, down the steps - into the car containing his father waiting for her below, and out of his life forever.

[draconic-distress]

boys when they melt in their shoes smh my head

-Like what you see? Why not buy a commission?-

[canon-gabriel-quotes]

Sorry if this is an invasive question, but have you read any specific fics and/or would be comfortable sharing which?

I don’t have an ao3 account so I don’t have a way to keep track of what I have read. But it’s really not that many. Probably like 10-15 in total.

Not really the person to ask for refs as ive barely read any ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[immortalsins]

went running and can report i'm still not that person

[her-canine-teeth]

bad astrology by flower face

[avirael]

Stuck on Repeat

He wanted to scream.

To scream and to cry and to be anywhere but here. But the best A’viloh could do was try not to tremble and instead follow Rael‘s example, who - despite the fact of being shackled and pushed around - still maintained a certain stubborn grace. He wished he knew how they did that.

What exactly was going on? A‘viloh wasn’t sure of that yet and it would take a while for him to process all of this. Everything had happened so fast. Suddenly the sultana had gasped for air, her goblet falling to the ground along with herself, soaking the expensive carpet with its dark red content. While A‘viloh had only stared in shock, Rael had immediately jumped up and was by Nanamo‘s side only split seconds after she collapsed. The next moment there had been guards everywhere and also that mean Lalafell accusing them of regicide. They had barely been able to say anything before the guards had grabbed them both, checked them for weapons and tied up their hands.

Now, as the door in front of them opened, the soldier behind A‘viloh gave him a rough push. The miqo‘te winced and stumbled forward into the room filled with people, all eyes on him. He lost his balance and with his hands tied behind his back, he landed rather ungracefully on the hard, cold stone tiles. His head started to spin, his vision began to blur, his heart was racing. It was all just too much and also too late to stop the memories that had buried their ugly dark claws deep in his mind. Miserably he gasped for air.

Rael hadn’t fallen but still knelt down and leaned towards him, wanting to make sure he was alright. „A‘vi! Please stay calm. I’m trying to find a way to get us out of this…“, the viera managed to whisper before someone pulled them away.

A’viloh still struggled to sit up and at the same time tried desperately to see where Rael had gone, when someone grabbed one of his arms and a handful of his hair and yanked him into a kneeling position. He pressed his eyes shut and tried to breathe, tried to not let the fear and the memories overwhelm him, but a small whimper still made it past his lips. He fought against his own mind, racing and about to shut itself off from all of this.

„Stop it!“, Rael hissed angrily. What else than complain could they do with their hands tied behind their back. The brass blade turned his attention to the viera instead of A’viloh. „Shut up!“, the man growled and struck Rael across the face with the back of his hand. They gasped and when they looked up again a moment later, with a mix of shock and indignation on their face, their lower lip was split and bloody.

Ashamed A’viloh stared to the ground and tried to pretend that this wasn’t his fault while the voices and turmoil around him faded to the background. Instead his mind was filled with questions and fears. Would they be executed? Thrown in jail? What had happened to Nanamo? Would their friends at least get out of this with their lifes, if Rael and him were made responsible?

Suddenly something touched his shoulder and pulled him out of his thoughts. A’viloh gave an alarmed shriek.

„Shhh!“, Rael shushed him, leaning their shoulder against his. Worried they glanced at him. „You were gone for a moment weren’t you?“ A’viloh didn’t answer but that wasn’t necessary. Rael sighed deeply. „Give me your hands. Maybe I can loosen the knots…“

Working behind their backs Rael tried their best but it was impossible. The angle was bad, they didn’t see what they were doing and the knots were simply too tight. On their own the two of them would never make it out of their ties. “Seven hells!”, Rael cursed. “I would sooner chew through these things than get that knot open!”

It was a funny imagination and under different circumstances A’viloh would maybe have laughed about it. Instead he turned to look at them and offered a sad smile. “It’s alright. At least you tried…I’m sorry about your lip.”

The viera looked surprised and then shook their head. “Don’t worry. I can fix that.”

Suddenly the turmoil around them got even worse. A’viloh only now noticed the screams and the fighting. “What’s happening?”

“Raubahn killed Adeledji. Tried to kill Lolorito too. Panic broke out and now he is fighting Ilberd. But I honestly don't think he has a chance...”

As if to confirm this, one of the giant stone pillars exploded under a heavy misaimed hit and through the cloud of dust and rubble Raubahn was hurled through the air and landed right beside them. With a swift movement of his blade he cut their ties and only then as he stood up, rubbing his wrists, A’viloh noticed that the Flame General was missing an arm.

But there was no time to question how that had happened and what else he might have missed while dissociating. Confidently as ever Raubahn spoke up saying that he never doubted them or the Scions and that they should flee. A’viloh was still to dazed to argue against that and so let Rael pull him along, to Minfilia and the others and then out of the palace.

As they hurried down the stairs of the Royal Promenade Thancred ran towards them and with a sudden peng of guilt A’viloh realised that he had been so shaken until now that he hadn’t even noticed yet that the Hyur hadn’t been with them. Thancred warned them that Lolorito’s soldiers had already taken control of all important points in the city and that it would be impossible to just walk out through the city gates. Luckily he offered another plan. Rumours about very old secret passages leading out of the city and luckily he knew how to get there.

But just as they wanted to leave the heavy steps and yells of the brass blades got closer.

“Go ahead! I’ll handle this!”, Yda exclaimed and turned towards the soldiers.

Papalymo made an incredulous face. “By yourself?! …I suppose I shall just have to join you.”

Rael offered to help them too. Papalymo and the viera could cause quite the destruction together that was certain but the thought of leaving any of them behind made A’viloh sick. There had to be a different way. One were all of them got out of here together.

“Don’t!”, he croaked and hated how his voice sounded a lot quieter and squeakier than he had intended. Had anybody heard him at all? But before he could say anything else or before Rael could join Yda and Papalymo, the Lalafell shot a fireball at the mechanism that held the palace gate open and with a roaring sound it crashed down and cut of the path between the two of them and the rest of the group. It would give them some time but neither Minfilia nor A’viloh seemed to be willing to leave without their friends. Helplessly and pleading the Miqo’te reached through the bars with one arm and stretched out a hand towards his friends. A’viloh and Yda had quickly befriended each other after meeting for the first time. They had spent a lot of time training together and Yda had soon become one of his dearest friends among the Scions. The thought that something could happen to her was unbearable for him. “Yda! Please!”

But the girl laughed at him and locked her fingers with his for a second. “Don’t worry, A’vi! We’ll see you later!” Confidently she smiled at him before she let go of his hand and turned back around to face the soldiers that had almost caught up to them.

The others called out for them and reluctantly Minfilia and A’viloh followed. There was nothing else they could do now apart from making Yda’ and Papalymo’s efforts worth it and get out of here before more soldiers appeared.

In a haste they ran through the decorated corridors of the palace district and luckily the entrance to the secret passage was exactly were Thancred had suspected it to be. The tunnels were bigger and more complex than A’viloh would have thought and for quite a while they ran through dusty old corridors trying to find the right way that would lead them out of the city.

After a while the echoes of yells and footsteps appeared again and unlike them their pusuers seemed to know the ways down here. They tried to hurry but in no time the voices were coming closer and closer.

“I will stop them.”, Y’shtola exclaimed and abruptly stood still, making everyone else pause for a moment as well. “You go on ahead!”

“No…”, A’viloh protested, he wasn’t willing to leave any more people behind. But Thancred nodded. “Then I will stay too! It would be rude to let you fight alone…”

“No! This is all wrong!”, A’vi repeated a little more loudly. “Let me and Rael fight them, we can defeat them surely.”

Y’shtola shook her head. “Not that many of them…” and Thancred agreed, “The two of you are far too important to get captured...” He didnt say or worse but it was clearly there.

“But…” A’viloh wanted to protest but what was there to say? So he just helplessly stared from one of them to the other. Instead Rael nodded. “Alright!”

“No! Nothing’s alright!”, A’viloh exclaimed pleadingly. „There has to be another way!“

“No, there isn’t.” Thancred said and put his hands on A’viloh’s shoulders. „Listen! There is no time. You have to get out of here, do you hear me? And you have to get Minfilia to safety. Look at me A’vi!“

He slightly shook him and despite the closeness between them A’vi did as he was told.

“Can you promise me that? To get yourself and Minfilia to safety?”, the Hyur asked with a serious voice.

Pleadingly A’vi stared at Thancred’s face wondering if it would be the last time he was going to see it. He hadn’t stopped shaking since Ilberd’s soldiers had put him in chains but now it got worse again. Nonetheless he nodded slightly.

“Good.“ Thancred said and nodded too, but hesitated to let go of him.

A strange expression appeared on his face, one A’viloh never had seen on him before. A mixture of doubt and maybe fear? Thancred sighed and muttered “Just in case…“ more to himself than anybody else but A’vi was close enough to hear it anyway.

A’viloh hadn’t expected at all what happened next. Before he even realised it, Thancred had leaned down, closed the gap between them and kissed him. He was too shocked to react, too confused as well, so he just let it happen. Weirdly this made him feel better but also hopelessly sad at the same time. What was he doing here? This was crazy! Maybe he would later curse himself for allowing this or he would wish he hadn’t wasted this moment like this but before he had figured out how to feel or to react the moment was over. Thancred pulled back a little and looked like he already regretted either what he did or simply having to let him go. Or maybe that was just how A'viloh felt himself. “Consider this my lucky charm…“, the hyur whispered, barely audible, and weakly smiled at him.

Then he pushed A’vi away, as gently as the urgency of the situation allowed, and spoke up louder to all of them.

„Now, get out of here!“

„No!“, the Miqo’te whimpered, his hands tried to hold on to Thancred’s arm but he ignored him and looked at Rael instead. „Get them out of here, please. I’m counting on you.“

The viera looked annoyed, more than usually, but nodded without a word and only when A’vi felt their hands at his arms pulling him away, he realised they were all still here watching him. At any other occasion he would have felt horribly embarrassed now but all he could think of right now was that he couldn’t leave all of his friends behind here to fight, and possibly die, while he fled to safety. He didn’t want to run any longer. But Rael seemed to share Thancred’s opinion.

“Come on, A’vi. We can’t waste time now. Every single soldier in this twelves-forsaken city is after us now, we can’t fight our way out of this. There’s no way to set this right if we don’t get out of here first.”, they explained as calmly as they could in this situation, then grabbed A’vi’s hand and dragged him along as they ran. A’viloh followed on stumbling feet but only because his body had long since stopped listening to anything his brain screamed at him. Stop! Go back! Fight!

Rael’s words made sense but still… weakly he tried to look back and see what was happening behind them but then Rael and Minfilia took a turn into another tunnel and he lost sight of Y’shtola and Thancred. For another while he just numbly let the viera pull him along until they abruptly stopped at an intersection.

“There is light! The exit must be right around that corner!”, Rael announced pointing to one of the tunnels.

Minfilia nodded. “I think so too. But I have somewhere else to go. Hydaelyn speaks to me, I have to stay behind but you two, you cannot stay with me.”

Rael shook their head: “We promised to protect you and I don’t plan to break that promise.”

Minfilia smiled kindly.

“I release you from this promise. Instead promise me to flee and clear our names for us! You are the only ones who can do this. I have a different task to fulfil. Please, you must go on! You are the Warriors of Light! You are hope - for the Scions, and for all the realm! As long as your flame continues to burn, the light of the dawn may ever be relit! You must escape, and save Eorzea from those who would plunge it into darkness! This is the only way...”

Rael grimaced but nodded. “Fine…”

A’viloh on the other hand just weakly shook his head. Words had long failed him and with every minute all of this felt more and more like it was happening to someone else and not him. Like all of this couldn’t be real. Like it was a horrible, weird dream that he would wake up from every second now! How had everything escalated so fast?

Minfilia saw his expression and put her arms around him in a tight hug. “Don’t blame yourself for this, A’vi. None of this is your fault. Everything will be alright, I promise.“

Then she ran in the opposite direction and all A’viloh could do was watch her vanish in the maze of tunnels.

After a few seconds Rael took his hand again and A’vi snapped back to attention watching the Viera’s free hand point towards the light. “Let’s go, the exit is right there.”

But A’viloh refused, even if his voice was nothing but a weak whisper. “No, please go alone. I’ll follow Minfilia. Someone has to protect her.”

Rael growled. “Were you listening at all? Do you want all of this to be in vain? I know this is difficult for you, but so it is for me!“

“But-“, A’viloh tried to protest but Rael looked like they almost wanted to hit him and angrily yelled at him. “I want you to be safe too, you know?! I would gladly stay behind and fight if it meant you and the other’s were safe but the best we can do now is run!”

Before A’vi could say anything else a deafening crash sounded through the tunnels. Alarmed they both stared back the way they came. The walls and the floor seemed to tremble and a roaring sound echoed down the tunnel and came closer and closer.

“Oh no!”, Rael gasped. “The ceiling is coming down! We have to get out of here! Now!”

“The ceiling?!”, A’vi shrieked. “But what of the others? We need to — Let go of me!!”, he protested as Rael tried to drag him out of the tunnel.

“It’s too late now, A’vi. Please!”, the viera pleaded but A’vi struggled and screamed. They almost wouldn’t have made it out in time. Just as the cloud of dust and rubble hit the protective barrier Rael had summoned up to shield them they were catapulted backwards by a burst of magic the last few meters out of the ruins and into the late afternoon sun.

Both of them coughed from the dust and it took a moment until they could see anything again. The entrance to the tunnels had collapsed entirely, lots of small and bigger pieces of stones lay in a huge pile in front of what was barely recognisable as the tunnel entrance anymore.

Shocked A’vi stared at the rubble for a few seconds before he began to scream again. Quickly he jumped up and tried to get the stones out of his way, to find a way back in, but of course it was hopeless. The old broken stones were too many and too heavy for him. They wouldn't give in to his pleading. "No! Please, no..."

As calm and soothing as they could Rael took his hands and spoke to him. “A’vi. Not now. There’s nothing we can do now…”

Slowly he let Rael turn him around. He looked at the viera, his eyes filled with tears, before he wordlessly threw his arms around Rael‘s neck. „I‘m so sorry…“, he whispered after a moment of just silently clinging to them.

Rael shook their head. „Not your fault…“

A’viloh didn’t answer to that. Instead he sullenly looked at Rael for a moment before he dared to ask, „Do you think they are dead?“

Rael sighed and then grimaced. „I��m not going to lie to you, A’vi. I honestly don’t know, but it really doesn’t look good…“

The Miqo’te just nodded weakly, the corner of his mouth twitching for a second. He appreciated the honesty but he had hoped for something a little more reassuring.

Rael carefully squeezed his shoulder. „But maybe they aren’t. We will figure that out, I promise. But first we have to proof that we did NOT kill Nanamo... We should really go now…“

„Thank you. I would be lost without you…“, A’viloh muttered and followed Rael along the railroads leading towards Blackbrush station, defeated and disheartened. Silently he wondered if there was a safe place now for them at all and how they possibly could manage to clear their names…

[bredforloyalty]

~two pages into this book ("aren't you gonna die someday?" elaine may's mikey and nicky: an examination, reflection, and making of. 2019. if you must fuckin know, fuck) and we're already at freud i see. what can i say except hehehehe

[spock-adoodledoo]

oh my god i just finished the dark forest finally. 7/10 i suppose, i went through the first half or so of the book being really annoyed by luo ji but also enjoying the chapters where he shows up because unfortunately he was entertaining. still don't understand the imaginary girlfriend thing, it just feels like he needs someone to protect from the world which like ??? ok sure i guess, it just rubs me the wrong way personally. for the second half and especially the end i became luo ji's number one defender it's fine. for the rest, holy crap—the droplet, the microcosm of the universe on those runaway ships, the wallfacer project, luo ji drawing from rey diaz's plan, the attitude of the world towards him, the entire theory... wow