#( dynamic // && patricia harrington )

[theha1rarch]

"She's My Mother, But She Has Never Been a Mother."

aka pluto wrote a six page (literally the doc is six pages long) long emotionally shattering drabble involving steve, patricia, technically the winchesters, & too many fucking feelings

i gotta tag the fam in this bc a) y'all are involved, & b) trust me - you wanna read this sorry it's so damn long though ... @milleroptimism @wantdead @patchedstars @dgrayd @lilyspaintedred @littletavpole

steve knows this might be a bad idea, that he might end up regretting agreeing to this - but his mother had insisted, had insisted and insisted that she just wanted to talk to steve privately before she left and so - after telling everyone else it’d be fine. he’d be fine. they’d gone to a private room in the house and now …

here they are. sitting across from each other, neither of them have said a word so far but steve isn’t as nervous as he could be, isn’t as afraid. if this had been his father, that might be a different story. but it’s his mother, here in the place he feels the safest, and he can do this.

he looks to her, deciding to take the first step and the be the one to speak. “so, mom -” and doesn’t that word just feel weird to use. heavy and bitter on his tongue when it’s in reference to the woman across from him. because she’s not his mom. his mom is in the next room over. “what did you want to talk to me about?”

patricia is quiet for a moment, before she seems to gather herself and offers steve a small smile, crossing her hands in her lap. “steve, darling, come home with me. please?”

it’s steve’s turn to be quiet for a moment, before he swallows - licking his lips and then speaking. looking directly at her once more. “why should i?”

patricia blinks back at him and he can tell, he can just tell she’s holding herself back. probably from calling him out for his ‘attitude’. “what do you mean, dear?”

“why -” steve starts. “should i go home with you? genuinely tell me, i want to know why.”

“well because i - we miss you, and we want you home with us. so we can be together again, we’re a family and it’s where you belo -”

but she doesn’t even get the chance to fully get her sentence out before steve is laughing. straight up fully laughing in her face.

and once again patricia doesn’t say anything. just abruptly cuts herself off, snaps her mouth shut and tightens her hands in her lap. it’s once again obvious she’s holding herself back.

after steve is finished laughing, he gives a little shake of his head as his gaze settles to her once more. “well, first of all, you don’t gotta lie to me, mom.”

“w-what?” is asked, her tone pinched - body wound so tight steve’s surprised she doesn’t hurt herself.

he rolls his eyes now, letting out a sigh. “you don’t want me home because you miss me or because you want me there. you want me home so you and dad don’t gotta go back to an empty house and worry about the neighbors talking when i’m not with you.”

patricia uncrosses her hands now, leans forward in her seat a little as her face takes on an almost desperate expression. “no, steve, dear, that’s not true. that’s not at all why, we - that … that’s not important.” she tries for another smile, a little shake of her head.

steve is quiet for a moment once again, before -. “if it’s not true and it really is because you miss me then where the hell have you been for the past several months?”

this time he doesn’t get an answer at all. this time she just quiets again, saying nothing - having the decency for once in her life to almost look ashamed.

steve lets out a little scoff, shaking his head once more. “yeah, that’s what i figured. i’m not fucking coming home, mom.”

patricia looks back up at him now, doesn’t even admonish him for his language and she once again looks desperate. “steve, dear, please. don’t do this. i promise we can change, we’ll try and be better.” 

it takes everything in steve not to start laughing again, but he does give another scoff - raising a brow. “right, yeah, sure, okay. like i haven’t heard that before.”

of course she looks confused now, of course she does. “what? when? what are you talking about, darling?”

she’s never used this many pet names for him one sitting, he can’t help but absentmindedly note before he answers her. “how about when i was ten and we were leaving the er after your husband gave me my first ever concussion? i’ve had four more since then, by the way. but i’m sure you knew that. just like you know i can’t hear out of my left ear, right? or … how about when i was twelve and was terrified out of my mind because there was a storm shaking the whole damn house and i was completely alone and i called your hotel crying. and after your husband yelled at me on the phone for fifteen minutes for bothering you so late, you came on and said those exact words … promised me you’d be home tomorrow … and you didn’t come home for three weeks after. still don’t like storms, by the way. or the dark, for that matter. or how about any of the million times i almost died over the past several years but you were never there but you sure as hell could make empty promises … or how about when i graduated from fucking high school and you weren’t there. and you were so quick to try to reassure me with those damn words … until you found out i didn’t get into college. then all you and your husband cared about was telling me how much of a disappointment i was to you. how about any of those times?”

patricia is quiet for a lot longer this time, several long minutes past and steve is about ready to just get up and walk away - ready for this conversation to be over, not expecting her to actually try any longer before … “steve. i - … i’m sorry you feel this way. but - i - this … you can’t stay here, steve. this isn’t right. these people, they aren’t actually your family. you hardly know them. that - woman out there. she doesn’t know you, she didn’t birth you. and she … she’s got so many other children, do you really think she can give you the attention you deserve?”

and steve, steve just stares at her - stares long and hard at the woman across from him, almost as if he can’t believe her. and honestly, he kind of really can’t. he didn’t think they could surprise him any more - but apparently he was wrong. “yes, i do.” he finally answers, his words slow and deliberate - as if he’s explaining something very complicated to her. “because she’s given me more attention in the past several months than you’ve given me my whole. entire. life.”

this time it’s patricia who lets out a scoff, throwing her hands up in the air. “i sincerely doubt that’s true.” and she’s clearly not holding back anymore.

and if she isn’t, then steve isn’t. “like hell it’s not.” he says, shaking his head and hating the way he can hear the anger in his tone.

“steve … come on now. stop acting like this. why are you being so …” and she trails off a little, suddenly as if she’s holding herself back again.

but steve, steve’s done with that. he’s done with the pretending. “so what, mom?”

“so unfair to me.”

and that. that’s it. that’s the trigger, that’s what lights the fuse in steve that’s been there since they sat down for this conversation and before he can really think of it - he’s on his feet, standing, almost looming over her.

“i’m being unfair to you? i’m being unfair to you? you’re kidding me, right? like you’re actually fucking kidding me?” and he knows his voice is rising in volume, he knows it might not be long before this conversation ends up a little more public than it’s meant to - but truly he can’t bring himself to care right now.

“no!” and his mom doesn’t seem to care any longer either. “no! i’m not kidding! you’re acting ridiculous, steve. and i truly don’t understand why. i don’t understand why you’re being this way. this isn’t how we raised you.”

“you didn’t fucking raise me at all!” and yeah, he’s definitely yelling by now. “so don’t even start on that shit. but, you wanna know why i’m acting like this? why i’m apparently being so unfair to you? because i - i’m fucking tired! i’m so fucking tired of you! and dad! and all your bullshit!” and he’s angry, he’s so angry right now his hands are shaking as he slides them through his hair - tugging hard. “i - i spent my whole life. my whole entire fucking life, from the time i was literally a child, thinking that i deserved everything you did to me. the way you treated me. maybe at first i thought it was normal, maybe at first i thought that just how parents were, but once i realized it wasn’t … i thought it was me. i thought there had to be something wrong with me, that there was some fucked up part of me that made it impossible for you guys to love me, to treat me normal, or whatever.”

he takes a second to pause, and he’s still angry - but all that age-old hurt is cropping up fast and now he’s trying really hard not to cry. he takes in a deep breath and slowly lets it out, patricia isn’t saying a word. she’s just sitting there. watching him. “but then, but then i came here. and i met these people, and that woman out there who you wanna shit talk so badly, and never once have they made me feel that way. never once have they made me feel like there’s something wrong with me, like i’m fucked up or broken or something. since the beginning, all they’ve shown me is love. like that unconditional type shit. even when they didn’t know me very well yet. and the thing is, they don’t have to. like you wanted to point out - sarah, my mom, didn’t birth me. but she still loves me like she did, she still loves me like it’s as easy and natural as breathing. like … like …” you were supposed to, it isn’t said out loud - but he knows she understands - if the look on her face is anything to go by.

she’s still quiet though, still not saying a word. so once again, steve continues - the attempt at not crying only growing more difficult - especially as he thinks on these next words. “there … there’s a little girl here. that lives here. with us. and … she’s the same age that i was when i first asked myself what was wrong with me. why i couldn’t just … make you guys care. why was i so messed up that my own parents didn’t even want to be around me and … the thing is, no one here would ever let her feel that way. no one here would ever let her think there was something wrong with her - i … even if she did, we’d do our best to make sure she knew it was the furthest thing from the truth. and i just - i look at her, and i think about that, and i … of course we wouldn’t. because she’s - she’s just a little kid. and i … i was just a little kid.” and now … now the tears are falling, now it’s hard to hold them back any more. even if he’s trying his damndest to ignore them.

“and i just …” he sits back down in his seat now, wiping at his face - letting out another shaky breath. “i just don’t get it. i don’t get how you could do that to me, how you could treat me that way. i was just a little kid. i’d never fucking do that to her. and i just …” he shakes his head again. “i’ll never understand it, but - i know i didn’t deserve it. i might not have known that years, or even months, ago but i know that now. i never deserved any of it. because i was just a kid, and i didn’t do anything. except exist. and that pissed you off for some reason.”

he’s not crying any more now and he fully straightens up once more, finds himself fully facing her once again. “so no. i’m not coming home - though that place isn’t my home anyways - with you. i’m not going to leave just so things can go back to the way they’ve always been. so i can see you for three days before you’re taking off again. and then i’m stuck once again wondering why i wasn’t enough. no. i won’t go back to there. i won’t do that shit again. because i don’t deserve that. i deserve better than that. i deserve to be here. so i’m staying here. this is where i belong.”

if he thought patricia had been quiet for a long time before, it’s nothing compared to now. the two of them sit in silence as the minutes stretch on - staring at each other, but this time steve waits. he waits to see if he’ll actually get a response.

and finally, finally - after maybe a little too long, she gives a little nod and opens her mouth. “alright, steve. alright. clearly nothing that i say will make you come hom - come back with me, so alright. if this is where you want to be, then i can’t really stop you anyways. you’re of age. so, i guess that will be that. i’ll talk to your father, don’t worry.” she gives another little nod as if to confirm this.

and there’s a lot more steve wants to say, more he wants to ask. there’s a part of them that wants to question, that wants to beg her to actually address anything else he said. to actually pretend for once that maybe she cared, just a little bit. that maybe his words actually had any impact on her. that maybe, just once, she actually felt ashamed for the way she let him grow up. but, he has a feeling that won’t them anywhere anyways. because really, there’s no point in trying anymore.

“okay. so … are we done here then?” and he simply gets a nod in response. “okay, i’ll show you out then.”

and he rises in his seat again, she does as well - he guides her out of the room and as they cross into the next - into the others - he can feels eyes on them. on him. but he doesn’t stop, he doesn’t look, he doesn’t say anything - just continues to guide her to the front door. and once they reach it, he stops - opening it to let her out.

“well, i guess this is goodbye …” he starts, trailing off and when he faces her, there’s an expression on her face, that he can’t quite place. she gives another little nod now. “yes, i suppose it is.” she says, but it seems like there’s something holding her back - like she’s not ready to leave quite yet.

and he’s about to question it, about to ask what’s up, figure out why she’s stalling - when suddenly she’s stepping towards him and instinctively he tenses, unsure what is about to happen … when he feels arms wrapping around him. her arms.

he blinks several times, not sure how to process this. process the fact, that for the first time in his life, his mother is actually hugging him. actually hugging him, a full, real, hug, her arms wrapped completely around him, her warmth fully against him. and … well, he can’t quite help the way he ultimately reacts. as his eyes flutter shut, as he wraps his own arms back around her - and for a moment, for just a moment, he’s not nineteen years old, for just a moment he’s that little kid that wanted nothing more than a hug like this from his mom.

“i’m sorry.” and steve almost doesn’t believe it’s actually coming from her mouth, wouldn’t believe it if it wasn’t so close to his ear. “i’m sorry i wasn’t a good mother to you. i’m sorry i wasn’t the mother that you deserved.”

and those damn tears are threatening to fall once more. “thank you.” is what he breathes out, and it’s almost like a sigh of relief, and he can’t help the way he hugs her harder.

they stay like that for a few more seconds, before finally she pulls herself away and steve lets her go. she steps back enough to look at him - and as if this couldn’t get any more surprising, she reaches up to cup his face, albeit briefly. “you take care of yourself, alright, steve?”

and he bites back the urge to respond with something snarky - to give a response like ‘no worries, been doing it my whole life’, instead - he gives her the smallest smile he can manage. “you too, patricia.”

she doesn’t even seem to react to the name, just drops her hands now - steps back completely and with one final nod turns and makes her way fully out of the house, down the steps - into the car containing his father waiting for her below, and out of his life forever.

[democratsunited-blog]

To guard against reproductive rights, Legislature revisits old laws

https://uniteddemocrats.net/?p=6418

To guard against reproductive rights, Legislature revisits old laws

Speaker Robert DeLeo addresses the press after lawmakers sent Gov. Charlie Baker legislation eliminating old state laws dealing with abortion and contraception. [Photo: Chris Triunfo/SHNS]

Sun staff photos can be ordered by visiting our SmugMug site.

By Michael P. Norton and Matt Murphy

STATE HOUSE NEWS SERVICE

BOSTON — After warning that shifts on the U.S. Supreme Court could put reproductive rights at risk in Massachusetts, lawmakers on Thursday morning sent to Gov. Charlie Baker legislation eliminating old state laws dealing with abortion and contraception, including a mid-1800s law banning all abortion and a ban on contraception for unmarried couples.

The bill, which first cleared the Senate in January, picked up steam in recent weeks following the announced retirement of Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy and President Donald Trump’s nomination of Judge Brett Kavanaugh.

Many Democrats around the country have expressed fears that the changing makeup of the Supreme Court could lead to the overturning of the landmark 1973 Roe v. Wade decision guaranteeing women’s access to abortion.

“What we have done here (Wednesday) is to make sure Massachusetts is prepared in case,” said House Majority Whip Byron Rushing, a South End Democrat who has long pushed to clean up the state’s antiquated statutes.

On Wednesday, the House passed the legislation repealing old state laws that lay out criminal penalties for performing or undergoing an abortion, limiting contraception access to married couples, and requiring that all abortions provided from the thirteenth week of pregnancy onward be performed in a hospital.

The House and Senate took final votes Thursday morning to enact the bill and ensure that it takes effect immediately once Gov.

Baker signs his name, which is expected to happen.

“I’m conceptually in support of it,” Baker, a pro-choice Republican, told reporters on Monday. “Obviously, it depends upon what version ultimately ends up making it through the process, but if the legislation, as it’s currently constituted, ends up being what ends up on our desk the LG and I are comfortable with that.”

House Judiciary Committee Co-chair Rep. Claire Cronin said the bill came as a response to “repeated attempts” to limit women’s rights to make decisions about health care choices, contraception and access to care. She also referenced conservative appellate court judge Kavanaugh’s pending nomination.

“We have seen this both legislatively and through budgetary processes,” she said. “The changing dynamic of the Supreme Court is a real and legitimate concern. We have both a president and a vice president who have expressed an intent to overturn Roe v. Wade and we take them at their word. We must ensure that if this occurs, in Massachusetts we have taken the necessary steps to protect the right to choice and to protect the right to access to health care and access to the information need to make private medical decisions. These will be upheld.”

The bill’s architects have described it as the “NASTY Women Act” to memorialize Trump’s characterization of Hillary Clinton as a “nasty woman” during the 2016 campaign. Senate President Harriett Chandler wore the moniker proudly on Wednesday.

“Today, nasty women and their nasty men are here to say we’re not going to stand for it,” Chandler said.

Rushing said certain old laws should be repealed because they could be enforced in unforeseeable ways.

He noted former Gov. Mitt Romney’s bid in 2004 to enforce a 1913 law, originally designed to prevent interracial couples from coming to Massachusetts to be legally married, in an attempt to prevent same-sex couples from other states from coming to Massachusetts and legally getting married here after the Supreme Judicial Court legalized gay marriage.

“It is critical that we take all archaic laws off of our books because we never know how an old, hateful law will be used in new, hateful ways in the future,” said Rushing, who called the old laws “incredibly anti-female, anti-family” during debate on the bill.

Speaker Robert DeLeo said Massachusetts will “always stand for women’s rights,” and Speaker Pro Tempore Patricia Haddad warned that lawmakers must stay vigilant.

“We can never never relax because someone is out there looking for a loophole that will deny someone their rights,” Haddad said at a rally after the House vote.

Rep. James Lyons (R-Andover) criticized the bill and House leadership during brief floor remarks on Wednesday. He accused House leaders, who repeatedly urged him to limit his remarks to the content of the bill, of trying to shut off debate in order to advance “talking points’ of the Democratic Party.

“I understand that you have the power to do anything you want. It doesn’t mean we have a power to shut us up,” Lyons said. “Mr. Speaker, we have a right to speak. And there is a difference of opinion in Massachusetts whether you folks like it or not and that’s something that I think is really, really important in an open and transparent environment. There is another side. There is another side.”

Calling the bill a “total charade,” Lyons said, “There is no legislation that is going to eliminate the types of things that you’re talking about.”

The bill (S 2260/H 4770) cleared the Senate 38-0 in January and it passed the House on a 138-9 vote.

Rep. Colleen Garry of Dracut and Rep. Alan Silvia of Fall River were the only two Democrats to vote against the bill, along with seven House Republicans. Those GOP lawmakers voting against were Reps. Betty Poirier, Geoff Diehl, Sheila Harrington, Kevin Kuros, Marc Lombardo, Lyons and Keiko Orrall.

NARAL Pro Choice Massachusetts and Planned Parenthood of Massachusetts met with DeLeo last week at the State House to make their final pitch to the speaker, who joked Wednesday to NARAL Executive Director Rebecca Hart Holder that she could “stop twisting my arm” now.

“We all know Donald Trump wants to overturn Roe v. Wade and the statement today was, ‘Not in Massachusetts,’ ” Holder said.

Sen. Elizabeth Warren says that in Kavanaugh, Trump has found “someone to overturn Roe v. Wade” and Attorney General Maura Healey has said Kavanaugh “would be the deciding vote to overturn Roe v. Wade” and criticized “the extremity of his views and his opinions.”

In a fundraising email this week, Massachusetts Democratic Party Chairman Gus Bickford said that Baker has “refused to comment directly on the choice, and only asked the Senate to consider the implications for Roe v. Wade.” Bickford wrote, “It’s no wonder Baker won’t take a firm stand. He’s stuck between his party, led by Donald Trump, and the people of Massachusetts.”

While in Westfield on July 10, Baker reacted to the Kavanaugh nomination.

“Well I’m a big believer in a woman’s right to choose and I think that needs to be a fundamental part of the vetting process and I hope it’s a fundamental part of the vetting process as they move forward here,” Baker said. “I support a right to choose here in Massachusetts and will continue to support that, but I do think this is an important time for the Senate to do its job, and by doing its job, I mean engage in the conversation in a thorough and serious way and ensure that this candidate is going to treat the precedent of Roe v. Wade appropriately going forward.”

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