#walk to end lupus

[wheelie-sick]

my experience with lupus cerebritis 🧠⚡

I was reading about lupus cerebritis (cerebritis= brain inflammation, lupus cerebritis = brain inflammation caused by lupus) trying to figure out if that's where my stutter could have come from. I stumbled across some stories from people who have experienced lupus cerebritis and it inspired me to try to share my own

a big part of cerebritis is memory loss, short term, long term, everything just vanishes. it feels so normal when it happens. that's a big thing with cerebritis for me. my mental state was very altered, everything that happened felt as if it had always been that way. sometimes I could logically acknowledge that it hadn't been this way, that it was new- sometimes I was bluntly forced into this knowledge over and over and over again as I normalized it in my head. other times my brain justified it in warped ways. I was living in a different reality.

I know that at the time there were gaping holes in my memory, things I shouldn't have forgotten. I remember one thing that stuck out- my graduation. I tried to remember my highschool graduation and I just couldn't wrap my head around it. it was as if it was hidden behind one of those bathroom you can't see but the light comes in windows. I could see the vague blur of what happened but I couldn't grasp it. just out of reach. I regained this memory later, I don't know if all of them came back. that's the problem with memory loss, you don't know what's gone.

this memory loss left some very permanent holes in my memory of that semester of brain inflammation. I am missing a lot. this recounting is going to be inaccurate on account of what's gone and what's warped.

the biggest feature of my cerebritis was psychosis. cerebritis drove me deep into a psychotic break.

it started off gradually, a creeping fog that shrouded the world. I don't remember where it began, I don't think it's possible to put a dot on the timeline and say "here! this is where I became psychotic!" it turned into a nightmare that would result in a failed semester of university. what started with mild delusions that people were following me and that I was on a watchlist turned into hiding under my bed with my blinds closed living off of ramen I had stockpiled because I thought the FBI was staking out my dorm room. I heard whispers coming from the corners of my dorm room. I isolated myself from my friends because I thought they were part of a mind reader society that would kill me if they knew that I knew about mind readers.

anxiety & paranoia are part of cerebritis

my writing ability was heavily affected by both my psychosis and cognitive issues. when writing essays I'd get the feedback that my writing was confusing, hard to follow, and made no sense. I once was one of the top writers in every class but now I was falling behind into last place.

lupus cerebritis is not just psychological and cognitive, though. I had gotten a wheelchair about 5 months before my cerebritis really kicked in. I ended up using it nearly full time, in part because of pain and fatigue caused by my untreated lupus but also because I would have bouts of severe balance & coordination issues. I would have trouble standing, I could not walk to the bathroom down the hallway. my body did not want to move the way I told it to.

eventually I got a diagnosis of lupus and was able to start treatment. after failing the conservative treatments I was put on a biologic. within a week I started returning to reality. my balance issues started to fade, my memory started to return. it took a total of 3 months to truly come down from the flare. it took a while to fully realize what had happened. I wasn't diagnosed with cerebritis when I was initially diagnosed, it took a follow up appointment where I explained what happened to be told that cerebritis was likely the cause.

I still live with some of the effects of my cerebritis and my immune system still loves to go after any part of my nervous system. I still have balance issues, I have peripheral neuropathy and a cranial nerve disorder, I still have brain fog and memory loss. brain inflammation leaves a lasting impact. it doesn't just go away and there's always a risk of it coming back.

reblogs welcome

[avocadoguru]

He was staring at her in a way no one had in her entire life. She couldn’t read anything in his eyes - not surprise, not fear, not malicious intent - nothing. (wolfrry, werewolf!harry, alpha!harry, ranger!y/n)

Lupus Noctis- Masterlist, Author’s Note & Warnings

Chapter 9 / alternatively, read on wattpad

Chapter 10 (word count: 18.5k) -updated May 31st

“Big mistake alpha. Now your precious little human will end up just like the ranger before her.” 

Harry felt his fangs slice through his gums as his rage built at James’ words. He pounced across the opening. He’d kill the fucker. Rules be damned. He could explain afterward. He wouldn’t let Y/N be hurt or threatened.

Only his stride was halted when two of his men were holding him back, claws unsheathed, “You’ll need to come with us, Alpha,” Roland spoke to him calmly but his growl made it known that they were ready to shift in a moment’s notice.

Harry growled back and bared his teeth, “Get your hands off of me right now.” 

He jerked his arm away but then saw two more of his pack standing at the helm, ready to tackle and detain him if needed. Harry could probably take them. For a moment he paused thinking which of them he’d kill first but then he saw more of them. Their eyes shining, stances tight and prepared. 

Pulling his fangs back in he closed his eyes and realized he wasn’t going to be getting out of this one. He had no choice or they’d likely kill him. Because if Harry did fight, he wouldn’t stop until he was dead. He’d either kill all seven of them or wind up dead himself. But it wasn’t just himself anymore, no. He had Y/N to care for, and if he wasn’t there then who knew what James would be capable of, issuing such a threat. He needed to stay alive if he wanted to get back to Y/N. To keep her safe.

*

Y/N had a lot on her mind when she pulled up to Harry’s new house.

Atop of Irina’s eerie recount of the legend behind the preserve’s name that she couldn’t shake off for some reason, there was also the small revelation about Eddie that she’d remembered. Had he lied to her about him running off? Eddie wouldn’t do that. Would he? And she couldn’t shake the small tingle of having missed something, a rush of awareness. 

Golden eyes? 

But pulling into the drive she noticed that his usual car wasn’t there. He mostly drove his G-wagon around but the only car parked at the front was one of his convertibles. Had he gone out?

Walking to the front door she felt she already knew the answer. Ringing the doorbell and then peeking through the small glass rectangle at the top she didn’t see anything, so she tried the knob. Locked. 

Putting her bag down on the porch she walked around to the back. This felt very much like when she was snooping around his cabin. She didn’t like the feeling she had one bit. She opened the tall gate to get into the back garden and looked around, hoping her gut was wrong. Hoping that he was here like he said he’d be and maybe just in the backyard reading or something.

Empty, aside from the birds that were oblivious to the sudden concern she was feeling. Trying the back door she got the same response as the front. It was locked.

She went back around to the front porch and pulled out her cell phone to call him. Maybe he was on his way back with groceries or something. 

But he didn’t answer. 

Sighing, she sat down on the bench and decided to wait. There could be a myriad of reasons for why he wasn’t home at that moment or why he wasn’t answering right away. She’d give him some time.

After nearly 45 minutes of waiting for him, she decided that instead of being concerned, now she was a little upset. Dialing his number again resulted in the call going directly to voicemail. 

She stood up and grabbed her things. She’d already been through this with him before. Him not calling her back. Suddenly going dark on her. 

She was quite relieved that she still had her apartment to go back to, and hadn’t just agreed to move in with him on a whim, like he’d wanted her to. If she had to sit in his big house waiting for him she’d feel even worse.

*

It was completely dark by the time she got home. She had to stop and pick up a few groceries because her apartment had none. She hadn’t stayed at her place since before her work trip and so she knew her fridge was empty. 

She couldn’t shake the feeling that something was just about to happen. That someone would jump out from behind her car. She felt like she was being watched. Followed. But nothing was amiss that she could tell. Walking to her apartment with her keys between her knuckles, ready to fight back if needed, there was no one around. No sign of anything out of the ordinary.

Perhaps it was just that she was already out of sorts with Harry not calling her back. Not being home like he said he would be. The first time he’d done it was when he had her watch Eddie and he’d gotten sick but was just at his apartment the whole time and then he’d done it again when she was away on her work trip. She had co-workers and a busy schedule to distract her when she felt a bit upset over it. But now? Not being able to reach him for a third time in their, so far, very short relationship? 

She couldn’t begin to think too deeply about it all. Her mind immediately wanted to assume he was with someone else or doing something he shouldn’t be. More secrets. More mystery.

She attempted to eat dinner but the thoughts of what Harry could be doing were making the idea of feeling hungry impossible. She had been hungry. When she left work and shot off a quick text to tell Harry she was headed his way she was ready for something to eat. 

Tossing half of the food from her plate into the trash she checked her phone again. It didn’t even look like he’d seen her text. Going into her bathroom she looked around at everything. The bathroom wasn’t in bad shape after Eddie had wrecked her apartment, but even it had been redone and repainted. Every room she went into, every piece of furniture was a reminder of where she wasn’t and who she wasn’t with.

Suddenly she had an idea. Maybe he was at his old apartment. There was a chance he still had it since everything happened so fast, so maybe his lease wasn’t up. He had no reason to be there, and she figured it was a wild goose chase but she wanted answers. Wanted to know if perhaps he was there. It was late but she wouldn’t be able to sleep if she didn’t at least try.

*

Standing in front of the apartment door she took a deep breath before rapping her knuckles on the wood. 

When she heard movement and then the clicking of the door lock her breathing halted and she felt a jolt of relief, of hope, and then of dread. Why was he there… Who was he there with?

However, as the door swung open, standing there was a sleepy Niall wearing cotton pajamas and messy hair. His eyes widened when he realized who it was knocking at his door.

“Niall?!”

“Y/N?”

“Yeah. Uh… Is Harry here?” She asked looking behind him into the apartment. The lights were off. He was clearly sleeping before she arrived.

“No. Uh. It’s just me here.” Niall scratched the back of his neck and looked up at her before realizing his manners, “Would you like to come in?”

Nodding, Y/N walked in and looked around. It looked exactly the same. All of the furniture that Harry had was still placed around the living room in the exact same spots, “Why are you here?” She turned and asked him. It was all very odd but she felt something click into place suddenly without him even needing to answer. She recalled the picture of Niall on the dresser and how now, in this moment, with him standing in the living room as he turned on a lamp, this place felt like him. Like Niall. The medical books, the knick-knacks…

“Oh… uh- well that’s because, um… I needed a new place. So, I am, uh… taking over the lease. Yeah, and it just worked out perfectly,” he laughed nervously as Y/N eyed him suspiciously.

“Really? Interesting…” She wanted to comment more about that knowing he wasn’t being honest with her but her immediate concern was Harry. “So, I know this may sound a bit overly dramatic but I don’t know where Harry is. I was supposed to see him after I got off work today. I got to his new house and no one was there. I’ve called him and nothing. And now it’s hours later and still, I haven’t heard from him. It’s just… not like him.” A lie. But he didn’t need to know she’d been through this before with him. “So you don’t know where he is?”

Niall cinched his brows together in thought. It would be very unusual for Harry to not be somewhere he said he’d be. Especially when it came to Y/N. He knew how the alpha felt about the human. So now, Niall was concerned as well.

“I haven’t heard from him today at all actually. Umm…” he pursed his lips before continuing, “So, what time were you supposed to get to his house?”

“At 8. He said he’d have dinner ready for me when I arrived.”

“Hmm… And when was the last time you saw him?”

“This afternoon. We drove back from his uncle’s this morning and when we arrived at his house I left right away so I could make it to work on time.”

Niall sat down on the couch and rubbed his palms over his face, “That doesn’t make sense,” he spoke quietly, mostly to himself but Y/N heard him.

Sitting down next to him on the couch Y/N wondered if Niall did know something. His response to not knowing where Harry could be was concerning. She half expected him to joke about how Harry was probably fine or something. But Niall seemed actually concerned. 

“Do you know something, Niall? Anything? Is there something going on I should know about?”

Niall shook his head and kept his eyes down toward the floor, “Nah. It’s probably nothing.” 

There it was. The response she expected of him at the beginning except now it had come too late and she’d watched the way he responded initially. 

“Then why do you seem so concerned?”

Looking into her eyes Niall tried to feign confidence in his words, “Oh… I mean. I was just tired and I was sort of out of it. But you… he’s fine I’m sure.”

She could see right through him. Niall was a terrible liar. She smiled and patted his knee before standing up, “If you say so. But will you please call me if you do know something or you hear from him?”

Niall stood up and nodded, “Of course, Y/N.”

*

Niall had insisted on driving Y/N back home but since she’d driven there she really didn’t want to overcomplicate things. She assured him she’d be alright, and was extra careful on her way back inside her apartment at such a late hour. Part of her had grown used to being in Harry’s presence, feeling safe and protected, she’d naturally let her guard down. Now that she had to be on high alert by herself again just emphasized his absence.

Before finally crawling into her bed she dialed Harry’s number once more. Just in case. Her nausea built the moment the recording of his voice chimed through the receiver, his voicemail reminding her he wasn’t picking up.

Where the fuck is he?

Sleep didn’t come easily. She imagined every bad scenario in depth. Everything from him cheating on her with someone prettier, to him being dead in some kind of rival mafia fallout. 

She really didn’t think he’d cheat on her. That one was hard to believe given their great chemistry and satiated libidos, but her vulnerable and sensitive brain allowed her to imagine it as a possibility. Rationally, she didn’t see it. But lying in her bed by herself in the dark bedroom, that no longer felt like her own, she let the images eat her up. 

When her brain and her body were too exhausted to stay awake any longer she dreamt of dark figures with fangs and thick dark fur, glowing golden eyes, guttural rumbling growls. Violent scuffles. Howling.

She shook awake, her eyes blinking open at the sounds from her dreams. The howling was so real. So close to her but the moment she sat up, chest heaving there was nothing but stark silence. Darkness. 

She looked at the clock noting that she’d only been asleep for a few hours. She was sure she wouldn’t be able to lie back down and close her eyes again so she got up and checked her cellphone, hoping against hope that Harry’d called her or texted her, but nothing. 

During her hours awake, as the sun crept up and began to filter through her windows she contemplated going out to his cabin in the woods. She knew of the dangers and all the reasons she shouldn’t but what if Harry was out there? Hurt? No one to hear him or to help him.

But she’d seen how well he navigated the forest firsthand. It was very unlikely that he’d found himself in such a predicament, and she was fairly certain that he’d have told her if he was going to the cabin, seeing as how that would’ve meant he’d had to spend the night there when he was expecting her back at his place when she got off work.

She would give it one more day. If she didn’t hear from him by the end of her shift that day, she’d make a plan to go into the woods and search for him even if she was putting herself in danger. Her mind wouldn’t let her rest until she knew where he was, even if it meant checking off all the possibilities one by one.

Y/N’s shift started at 7, and she felt like she was a walking zombie. She didn’t bother to shower or eat even. Her stomach was a ball of nerves. She just hoped that her work day went by quickly and that Harry would be waiting for her after in one piece. 

But when she arrived she found it odd that Tom’s car was there. He’d been the one to relieve her last the evening before as he took the overnight shift. Why is he still here?

Walking into the station she heard a few voices speaking from the small break room area. The hushed voices suddenly stopped when they heard someone walk in.

Her superior, Charles, popped his head out from the hallway, “Oh. Hi Y/N,” he said as he looked behind him to indicate to whomever he was speaking to who it was that arrived.

Y/N immediately noted the odd behavior of Charles. The odd circumstances of Tom’s car being out front when it shouldn’t be. Something was going on. 

Just then Nick and Lindsy entered the station behind her and she turned to see them but Nick didn’t look her in the eye as he walked past. Lindsy only gave her a weak smile.

“Great- everyone’s here that I need,” Charles spoke, “Y/N? Will you log into the computer for me? Some news has come to my attention by everyone here,” and at that moment Irina and Tom walked into the room, standing with their backs to the hallway. “And I’d like you to show me something.”

She couldn’t figure out what it could be or what he was talking about. 

Sitting down at the chair as everyone stood around her she logged into the system with her username and then turned to look up Nick and then Charles.

“I’d like you to open up the tracking system,” he gestured toward the computer, “and then open the log of every animal you’ve entered that you’ve tagged with a chip.”

Her face went numb as her heart ravaged her rib cage. Her skin prickled with mortification.  She suddenly understood what this was.

But how did they…? Irina. 

Irina had to have said something about how she entered Eddie into the system after chipping him. Y/N hadn’t told anyone else. She looked over her shoulder at Irina who looked back at her with a scary grin on her face.

She swallowed and turned back to the computer, taking a deep breath and trying to calm her shaking hands as she pulled up the system and then her file with everything she’d logged.

“Thank you. Now, will you go to your second entry, the first one you did once you got your badge?”

Clicking the line, the page opened up with very few details about the wolf cub she’d chipped.

“Nick, I’ll let you start since you were the first to see it.”

Nick began his story about seeing Harry with the odd-looking pup. That looked too much like a wolf pup to be a coincidence. Then Tom confirmed that story. Stating how he’d also seen the man with the pet, that shouldn’t have been a pet. Clearly, a wild cub stolen from its mother or perhaps even abandoned.

Then Irina stepped forward. She leaned her bottom into the edge of the desk and looked Y/N directly in her eyes as she spoke, “Yesterday, Y/N told me about how she first met her boyfriend. He was in the woods with the wolf pup and that very night she chipped it. I checked the logs after she told me and confirmed it. I saw the history of the movement from the tracker into the forest in various places, which was normal but then back here again, and if you look at the dates, the night before we left on our weeklong training trip the wolf cub was here all night. With her and with her boyfriend. I don’t have proof that the boyfriend was here all night, but Lindsy told me that when Y/N arrived that evening to relieve her from work, the boyfriend was with her and then the following morning he was still here, wearing the same clothes.”

Lindsy cleared her throat when Irina looked at her, “Yeah. Um, he had the pup with him. That’s the first time I saw the pup and when I tried inspecting it, because I had a feeling it was no ordinary pet canine, her boyfriend interrupted me because he knew I’d find something. That this was no normal pet. I mean. I didn’t think much of it but Nick and Tom started talking and it had me thinking too.” Lindsy looked down at her fingers. 

Irina continued, “So we’ve surmised that Y/N has given this wolf pup to Harry to keep as a pet. Which is against the law. Not only that, she didn’t notify the vet the following day of the chipped pup so it could be looked over and then safely returned to the wild. Y/N hasn’t been here much longer than I have and if she’s already giving away wildlife to friends then what other weird games would she be willing to play with vulnerable creatures she’s meant to protect?”

���Is this all true Y/N? I’ve got four people corroborating on a story here and so I’d prefer you just be honest with me.”

Y/N sighed and looked at Irina. It was her who’d told. She had trusted her too.  

She shook her head and turned to look at her superior, “No, that last part is false. When I first chipped the pup I didn’t know what breed it was. I also didn’t know Harry at that time, and…” she huffed to calm her nerves, “There’s no way I would give a wild wolf pup to someone under any circumstance!”

“How did you look at that pup and not have some inkling that it wasn’t a domesticated puppy, Y/N? And why did you even chip it if you thought it was his pet? Your story doesn’t make sense,” Nick spoke again. This time he looked at her in the eyes.

She had essentially been cornered with the questions. She couldn’t explain everything without getting herself into more trouble, “I was just trying to help. I know I shouldn’t have chipped the pup and I made a mistake with that. He didn’t have it chipped and it was a favor, but now I see that was a bad idea. And the pup is so well behaved I just didn’t feel there was any way it wasn’t domesticated. I don’t know. Okay? But I promise I would never take any animal from the wild to give to anyone. And Harry seemed to really be taking good and appropriate care of Eddie and-” She stopped when she said his name and felt tears burn from the backs of her eyes. “Irina has made up the part where I did anything to harm any animal. I would never–”

“But you should be able to recognize that the wolf cub wasn’t a pet. Correct? You’ve been trained for this Y/N,” Charles spoke.

Y/N nodded and wiped her face. She couldn’t believe this was happening to her.

“And where is the pup now? It appears to be outside of our range.”

She would need to lie once again, or at least omit the full truth, “I don’t know exactly. Harry’s family has a farm and the pup is there now. It’s a good place for him to be. But I don’t know exactly where.”

Her superior nodded, “It’s just hard to believe your story, Y/N. We have a wolf cub, identified as such by multiple trained rangers that’s been chipped but vital information has been left out of the system. That’s a red flag. And now the cub is suddenly out of range and these are the things we look for when it comes to wildlife trafficking. And because of that simple fact, and your co-worker’s corroborating stories of seeing said wolf cub and determining that by a single glance, they could tell, I’m going to have to let you go.”

The last part of his sentence hit her like a brick to the gut. She’d lost her breath and felt dizzy. She’d worked so hard to get where she had. Her job was the most important thing to her. Years of training, schooling, hard work, and sacrifice- all out the window because she hadn’t followed protocol when she knew she should have. Her intentions had been good but she didn’t follow the rules.

Gripping her hand over her stomach she couldn’t hear Charles’ next words as her vision blurred with red spots and her ears muffled the noises around her. The only thing she could see in that moment was Irina looking back at her with a smirk as her eyes glowed in luminescent gold. Y/N blinked her eyes to compose herself but when she opened them back up the gold in Irina’s eyes was still vivid. She hadn’t imagined it. Suddenly the gold faded back to her eyes’ normal brown shade, staring right into her own. Looking around the room to everyone else she realized no one else had seen it. All eyes were on her and Irina had done it on purpose. 

Standing abruptly from the chair, the wheels at the bottom allowing it to roll into the wall behind her, she put her hands on the desk to steady herself before looking at the door to exit. She needed to get out of there. She’d never been so angry, hurt, and humiliated in all her life. And Irina’s eyes had given her yet another shock on top of that.

“We’ll take care of the exit paperwork and have it ready for you to sign tomorrow. I’ll need your badge before you leave.”

A small sob left her mouth when she heard him tell her to hand over her badge. It was like her whole life was coming down around her, crushing her and holding her hostage to what was happening. She didn’t deserve this but she wasn’t totally innocent either. There was nothing she could do to change the circumstances now. 

Removing the badge from above her breast pocket, she held it in her hand for a moment. Her badge was something she was proud to have. Had never been more proud to have anything in her life. She had certificates and degrees, but nothing meant as much to her as the badge. 

She handed it to her superior and looked at him, wanting to plead with him but she couldn’t. She didn’t have the words she needed. Tomorrow. Tomorrow when she returned to sign her exit papers she’d have a speech ready for him. She’d convince him one on one that he should keep her on. She’d take a suspension, but to be fired? It was devastating. She couldn’t accept it. 

In her car, she reached into her purse to pull out her cell phone. Still nothing from Harry. Nothing at all. As angry as she was at him, as upset about him going dark on her, she still wanted him there. Wanted to talk to him and have him hold her. Tell her everything was going to be alright. If she had Harry then it would be better. But as it was, he hadn’t yet read her text or called her back. 

Wiping her face and taking a deep breath she started her car and began her drive back to her apartment. She considered stopping at Harry’s to check if he was there but she’d do that later once she could wrap her mind around what had just happened at work. Just as she was a few minutes from her apartment her phone rang but she couldn’t safely get it while she was driving. A moment after the call cut off from voicemail she heard her phone chime with a text. 

Now her heart was pounding even more, thinking it could be Harry. Putting her car into park she reached across to her purse and dug her phone out as she closed her car door and jogged toward her building, pulling the text up.

It was from Niall. Maybe he knew something. 

Please call me before you get home.

She pinched her brows together at the odd request and just then noticed her front door ajar. Her heart leaped as she shoved her phone into her purse and hastened her pace. The only person who had her key was Harry. 

He was here. 

She felt a mixture of excitement and relief. Mostly relief. She just wanted to be in his arms and tell him about her day and about the weird thing that happened with Irina. She was still shaking from the news of losing her job as well. 

“Harry?” She called out as she pushed her door open and rushed inside.

But the man she came face-to-face with was not her Harry. Her heart stopped as he began to pace toward her, “Ahh here you are. The alpha’s little human. What’s it like being caught up in such a messy relationship?”

She darted her eyes around the room in hopes of seeing Harry but the dread deep in her gut told her that Harry was not there and the man standing in her living room was not a friend.

“Who are you? How did you get in here?” She backed up toward her door, ready to make a run for it when he suddenly moved so impossibly fast and hooked his hand around her wrist to stop her.

“Ah, ah, ah,” he tutted, “You’re not going anywhere. Why don’t you sit down?” He looked at her as he closed the door and pushed her toward the couch.

She felt helpless. The man was strong and fast. She realized that the way he’d crossed the room to her was not normal. And she knew she was in danger. The horror of losing her job earlier seemed very dim in comparison to what was currently happening.

The man pulled a chair out to sit facing her. He folded his hands together and leaned forward with his forearms resting on his knees, “My name is James. I’m an… associate of Harry’s.”

Y/N’s brows shot up, “Harry? Is he okay?”

A dark laugh fell from his mouth as he smirked, “Right now? He’s alive. Soon, though? He’ll be dead. Along with you. Because I’m going to take over position as alpha and rules are rules. As pretty as you are, for a human, you’ll need to be done away with because of what you know.”

Shaking her head she looked down at her lap in confusion before looking back at him, “What are you talking about? Where is he?” She had a million questions suddenly. Why was he calling her human? What did she know that would have her in danger of dying? 

“I think you know more than you’re letting on. You’ve gotten pretty serious with the alpha. There’s no way you aren’t aware of what he is.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about. Please tell me where he is!” 

James sat upright, leaning his back into the chair, and tilted his head, “You’ll know where he is soon enough. I’ll take you to him. But I need you to tell me everything you know. About us. About the pack. About the dead ranger.” 

She pieced together his words and recalled Irina’s story about the silver wolf, the werewolf, her eyes… “The pack? Like…” she scoffed and carded her fingers into her hair in frustration and disbelief. It couldn’t be real. But too many things didn’t make sense. 

“Yes, the pack. Like werewolves. Like what your boyfriend is.”

Blinking her eyes in shock she shook her head again. How was this happening? She knew something was going on with Irina. She could still see the glowing golden eyes and the way her smirk made her skin crawl. 

“What is going on here? I don’t understand.”

“So you’re not going to tell me what you know?”

“I don’t know anything! I have no idea what you’re talking about. I just got fired from my job and I haven’t seen Harry so I don’t know where he is, and… I don’t know. I don’t know!”

James sat silently as he watched Y/N fidget in her seat uncomfortably, “I think you know but you’re just playing dumb. I hate it when people play dumb with me,” his voice got louder and angrier. He stood from his seat and yanked her upward.

She gasped and looked up at him as she tried jerking her arm away but stopped short, nearly losing her balance when she saw his eyes. Same as Irina’s. But then she saw his teeth reposition in his mouth before her eyes and wolf-like canines were bared at her.

But the most unsettling part was the claws he suddenly forced into her arm as he held her tight. The sting from her skin being torn into and the blood that dripped down her arm. 

Everything in her was alarm, hysteria, danger… She screamed as loud as she could manage, her only hope to have a neighbor alerted by her shrill, blood-curdling call for help.

But in less time than it took to blink her eyes, she was on the floor and her mouth was covered with a clawed and calloused hand, a knee jammed into her side. She couldn’t move. She couldn’t breathe. She watched in complete disbelief, terror, as James' flesh and his bones were reshaping, shifting, expanding. His mouth narrowed and extended, his nasal cavity slowly split into two large nostrils, elongated, dark, thick skin replaced his light flesh and thick, wiry hair covered everything that beyond his snout but his size was larger than a human and the knee in her side cracked and deformed itself until there was a beast above, sharp claws scraping the side of her head as a paw covered her mouth for silence.

The low inhuman growl and weight of him overwhelmed her, stunned her. She was in shock. Looking into the eyes of the monster above her, glowing, piercing, she understood everything. 

And just as quickly as the transformation of his body turned him into a wolf, he reverted. Hair pulling back into flesh, bones breaking, contorting, moving… until he was just a man over her with his hand covering her mouth.

“If you ever want to see Harry again you will not scream and you will not run. Do you understand?”

Y/N blinked the tears from her eyes and nodded frantically under his palm.

“Good. Now listen carefully to me. I’m going to remove my hand because we are going to leave here together. And you will go with me quietly and not look at anyone else we pass by. If you dare to alert anyone I will kill you before you get the chance to see your loverboy ever again. Yes?”

She nodded again as he removed his hand.

James pulled her to standing and frowned when he looked her over, “Well, we’ll need to cover you up first. You look a bit… bloody.”

Y/N couldn’t respond verbally. She was in a daze. A nightmare. She knew she couldn’t get out of whatever this was. Not if this man was… what he was. She was no match for him. She knew he’d kill her. 

She had wanted to see Harry before all of this. Before she saw the creature who appeared as a human but was actually a monster ready to kill. Is this really what Harry was? Her shock and her stupor wouldn’t let her think straight. She barely felt as James blotted her face and then draped a sweater over her arms as her mind swirled with the idea that this man before her was just the same as Harry. It didn’t make sense but she’d seen it with her own eyes. It was real. And maybe she’d known all along that Harry was unlike her in more ways than she originally thought.

After he felt like her face looked somewhat presentable (he’d scratched her up pretty good with his claws) James gripped her wrist and pulled her with him out of her apartment, not even bothering to close the door behind them as they walked away from the building and to his car in the parking lot. 

And it somehow came as no surprise as she watched him thread through the preserve and made their way to the very top, where no ranger dared venture off. So the Silver Wolf legend was real. These were all descendants of his pack that claimed the preserve, and they were the ones to kill her predecessor in cold blood.

 And now she was next.

*

It had all been bearable until he smelled her scent.

When they first grabbed him, they brought him in for interrogation. When they weren’t satisfied with his answers, they threw him into the holding cell at the preserve, which has hardly ever had to be used. Everyone knew better than to break the laws- and it very seldom came as far as having to imprison somebody. 

But the council of elders had decided to incarcerate him pending his trial. The accusation that James had brought against him was grave: disclosing their secret to a human. Try as he might to negate it, James promised the council proof. And there was someone else to corroborate his story- the alpha female he was supposed to mate. Irina. 

Harry was beside himself with worry. Y/N was alone out there, clueless to all of this. He didn’t know what James was planning, and he surely didn’t trust Irina either, but they were certainly up to no good. 

The first night in custody was brutal because of that, his mind never silencing with all the different scenarios he was envisioning. The council decided that Harry wasn’t cooperating and had withheld food and water as a means to get him to talk- or so he initially thought, but there was nothing to be said. He’d said it all. He hadn’t told the girl anything. And there were no rules against dating humans. The council weren’t pleased with this last statement- because true as it may be, he was alpha leader, and there were certain things to be expected from him. He was to mate with an alpha female and start a lineage, not waste time outside the pack with humans. They expressed their displeasure with him and how absent he’d been, although he’d attended every meeting- he was always taking his leave as soon as they were over and was never around. He wasn’t taking his attributions as alpha seriously. Therefore, Harry’s credibility shrunk in their eyes and James’ grew.

Harry cursed himself. He’d been so close to renouncing the pack altogether, alpha title and all, he’d been just short of a few days to do so. And maybe the council was right. He wasn’t on top of his game if all this scheming James and Irina had been doing had just gone over his head like that. Had he been there more, he’d have sensed it coming. But he wasn’t. He was preoccupied. He’d fucked up.

With a whole day gone by with no sleep, food, or water, Harry was brought in for questioning again. But this time, he didn’t even make it out of his holding cell before he went berserk. Upon catching a whiff of Y/N’s scent, he shapeshifted immediately, breaking out of his handcuffs and they had to sedate him with a dart gun before he could wreak havoc.

He woke up in the interrogation room, back in his human form, and chained to the chair there. They all knew it was useless, and that he’d just break free from his confinements again if he so pleased, but it was a silent warning and he understood its meaning.

He was in physical pain as her scent was heavy all around him. They’d brought her in there. She’d been sat in that very chair. He held back a whimper, not wanting to show any sign of weakness.

“Why is she here, why have you brought her here?! Are you insane?!” Harry growled at the council that sat impassive at the other side of the desk in front of him. “She didn’t know! She didn’t! You’re the ones to break the rules, not myself! You’re the ones who should be sitting in this chair instead of me! Fucking hypocrites!”

“Now, Harry. I’d be careful what venom you spew if I were you. James brought her in. And he’s adamant that she knew all about us. Irina is also corroborating this story, she’s been working as a ranger at the Silver Wolf station and has compiled evidence to support this accusation.”

Harry recalled Y/N being excited about her new colleague and he gritted his teeth at the perfidy of the situation. 

“The girl isn’t talking, though. It would be in her best interest if she did.”

“She isn’t talking because she doesn’t know anything! She’s probably scared senseless! And what best interest ?! We all know well enough what you’re planning to do with her. And with me, for that matter, no matter what either of us says or does!”

“You’ll be tried, nobody can accuse us of not being just. If you’re found innocent–”

“And what about her? She’s still a human that now knows of our existence because of you lot! Which is against the rules! Don’t tell me you’ll just let her walk, don’t fucking dare lie to my face! James concocted this whole plan, and you’re falling for it, and frankly, part of me thinks you’re doing it in good conscience! You never agreed with me being alpha, and you know well enough I was gearing up to renounce the pack. I’d hinted at it on several occasions. Your precious protégé could’ve had his position as alpha without this whole circus, had you come to me first! But you decided to go against me behind my back, knowing the pack will fall for this charade, because, let’s face it, they’re not the brightest lot.”

“Enough, Harry–”

“It’s alpha to you. To all of you! Until I renounce the title myself or draw my final breath, you’re not to call me otherwise.”

“Alpha. You are wrongly accusing us. We’re simply following procedure here.”

“There is no such procedure. Any ol’ bloke off the street comes in accusing the alpha of treason and you incarcerate him?! My title is worthless to you, and your mocking tone isn’t lost on me. I know you’re in cahoots with that worm, it’s evident to me by the way you’ve gone about it. The question is, why aren’t I dead already, since you didn’t care to go about this the correct way from the get-go? The fact that you’re willing to trial me after leaving me with no food and water for a whole day makes me think something changed. What is it?”

The council gave each other a knowing look and eventually one of the elders cleared his throat, “An ex-member along with an alpha from another pack have expressed their concern regarding the fairness of this trial. They will be attending and even taking the stand as witnesses in your favor. And we, ugh, didn’t know about the lack of food and water. We’ll rectify this. Justly.”

Niall and Lester. But how did they find out? Harry didn’t know but he was beyond grateful for them, knowing that he’d have been long gone if not for their intervention. As for Y/N… she probably wouldn’t have even been brought in for questioning, but killed on sight. The mere thought made his fangs unsheath and his claws sharpen. 

Back in his cell, awaiting his trial, Harry was partially grateful for having been sedated, though the effects were long-lasting and his body was sluggish. They’d clearly given him a rather high dose. He wasn’t sure how long he’d been out of it, but it was the only sleep he was going to get. Shifting had been an impulsive reaction, one he regretted, having wasted a lot of his already low energy. Just then, he heard and smelled James approaching his cell before he could even see him, his foul stench overpowering that of the tray of food he was carrying. 

He placed it out of Harry’s reach just outside the cell bars, with a mocking look, “They had me bring you food. Said you were onto us.” James feigned worry, “Whatever shall we do?” He laughed sardonically. “You should’ve accepted my proposal when I was willing to negotiate this, alpha. It’s your own fault. You were too cocky for your own good, and look where it brought you. You didn’t even want to be alpha, so it was a fair deal, really. I would’ve let you keep your little secret in exchange for the position as leader. Too bad your ego is bigger than your brain. You just had to have it your way, didn’t you? Have your cake and eat it too? That’s not how the world works,loverboy . You of course had no way to know this, growing up an orphan as you did, though, did you? Just like that little freak, Edward. You should’ve known from your own experience that you can’t turn out worthy of being alpha leader when you lack a proper upbringing, with no parents to guide you properly. Thankfully, I’m no orphan, and I’m of age and more than capable to take over. It should’ve been me, not you. And it will be me, and only me–”

“Too bad you’re the one who outed our secret, not me. And that, you piece of shit, is going to ensure you’ll never be alpha leader.”

James flared his nostrils, “Nobody will believe your word over mine. Irina is backing me up too. And the council, of course, as you so keenly caught on, will be sure to subtly tip in my favor as they preside over the case.”

“Oh yes, Irina. You’re well aware of course that if I were to even look her way she’d drop your ass sooner than you could blink. She’s doing it out of jealousy. And maybe she’s just power-hungry, wants to be the alpha leader’s mate no matter who it is. Quite desperate and pathetic, but if that’s your preference…”

“Are we really discussing preferences? You chose a human. That’s the most laughable thing I’ve heard of, an alpha and a measly human. You know if I really were as bad as you say I am, I could’ve had my way with her and none the wiser–”

Before he could make any sense of it, James was being yanked against the cell bars by the collar, Harry’s grip unrelenting. “The only reason I’m not killing you right here and now is because I want to see you squirm later. We both know how this is going to play out. I’ll make sure everyone sees how worthless you truly are before I finish you off in front of everybody.”

Harry let go and had James squirm on the ground on the other side of the bars, gulping for air. He growled, kicking the tray of food and water away from the cell and Harry’s reach, “We’ll see how you manage that after not having a sip of water or a bite to eat for days, you fucking imbecile. All you had to do was keep your mouth shut for once, but your ego wouldn’t stand it–”

Just then they could hear someone approaching and Harry’s senses zeroed in on his little human before she even came into view. A guard was escorting her, and when he pushed her inside the cell with Harry, she wouldn’t even look at him.

Harry paid no heed to James leaving along with the guard, the latter explaining that the alpha that was visiting requested it. Lester. After what James had hinted at, Harry was beyond grateful. Who knows what that worm would’ve been capable of, especially now that he’d really riled him up.

Y/N cowered into a corner, averting her eyes and hugging her lithe frame. She was disheveled, bruised, scratched, and trembling slightly. Harry slid against the wall opposite from where she was standing, giving her space, but not having the energy to stand up for much longer. Truth be told, he was feeling lightheaded. The sedative, lack of sleep, food, or water were really getting to him, but seeing her in this condition was killing him.

“Y/N…” he murmured, but she winced and folded in on herself even more, visibly recoiling from the sound of his voice alone. His heart cracked at her reaction to him. Having her fear him or hate him had bile building in his throat. His sweet girl never deserved any of this. It was all his fault. If only he could have stayed away from her like he knew was in her best interest. In his best interest. But when he fell for her it was as if it were against his will. As if it happened to him. It couldn’t have been stopped.

“Please, Y/N… You must know, I never meant for any of this to happen…”

Harry’s heart sank at the way she refused to acknowledge him. The Y/N he knew would’ve been furious, mad at him, would have screamed and accused him of all sorts of things, blamed him for everything, but her silence was worse than anything she could’ve told him.

They’d broken her. And this would break him. If he couldn’t save her he’d have no reason to continue or fight to live.

“This is why I didn’t tell you. Because there are consequences… and I was too far gone to back out… I couldn’t,” he let out a shuddering breath, feeling his eyes well up, “couldn’t give you up. Selfishly. I just couldn’t… and I knew you’d never look at me the same. Just like you’re doing now… You can’t even look at me.”

Y/N felt tears roll down her cheeks but she was too numb to bother wiping them away. He was right. She couldn’t look at him. This wasn’t her Harry. This wasn’t the man she’d fallen in love with. He was someone with a terrible, dark, secret, someone that had strung her along into this mess, this very dangerous and monstrous mess. And she blamed him for it. 

But what was worse was that she’d fallen so hard for him so quickly and she was fooled by his lies. She believed him and he let her believe it all. But he deceived her and it was unforgivable. Not that any of that mattered. She was being sentenced to death so her last remaining hours on earth would be spent in a dark cold cell with someone she’d given her heart to but who had only tricked her, knowing she’d fall for it.

The moment they sat her down and brought men in, werewolves, to get her “to talk” she realized this wasn’t a dream. This was really happening.

She’d been interrogated for hours. She told them that Harry had never told her anything. That she’d only ever first heard about werewolves from Irina, and then James told her that Harry was one too, and she wouldn’t have believed him either if she hadn’t seen him shifting in front of her own eyes.

They didn’t believe her. So she just stopped talking. Shut down even more than she had been. 

But they did threaten her. Told her she was most likely going to be killed off because humans can’t know about them.

She’d accepted her fate.

She was going to die.

“Lester and Niall are here. They’ll vouch for us, they know you were in the dark about it. I’ll get you out of here, Y/N. I promise. Please… Please, look at me.”

Y/N didn’t believe him. She’d never believe a word out of his mouth again.

He couldn’t stop his own tears from wetting his face. He would do anything for her. If she didn’t want him he’d have to abide by her wishes. He knew she’d react this way if she found out like this. He had hoped that if she ever did find out it was only once he was ready to tell her, when they were both safe and prepared for this conversation. But as it was, she had been forced into all of this in a horrific show by James and now she didn’t want him anymore because she knew he was no better than the man who’d kidnapped her. Just like that, she’d slipped from his hands.

He was desperate to see her pretty eyes and caress her soft skin and soothe her. Hold her. Not only did he want to hold her to keep her safe and warm but he needed it. Needed to touch her so he could feel safe, feel her warmth and her heart beating in her chest and melt into her. He needed her comfort because he was terrified as well. But she wouldn’t even so much as look at him.

“Please, Y/N.” his voice cracked. “I’m begging you. I had a plan… You’d have never found out. I would have never done this to you. I was going to renounce the pack, give up my title as alpha. That’s why I bought the house. And then we went to Lester’s farm… and you loved it there so much… and he invited me to move there, and I was going to proposition that to you. So we could get away from all this… And they’re different, their pack is different… they would’ve treated you as their own… and… and maybe one day…” Harry threw his head back, bumping it against the concrete wall, trying to stifle his tears, to get the pain to distract him, but to no avail, “Maybe one day I would’ve found the courage to tell you the truth about what I am. I felt like maybe you’d… want me, even knowing the truth of it. I thought…”

Y/N wasn’t showing any signs that she was even listening to him, much less that she cared about anything he had to say. He could hear her heart beat fast, could smell the way her sweat was lined in fear. Fear of him. She was scared of him, which made his heart break even more. 

“I thought… but I was wrong,” he murmured to himself in a small voice.

Y/N squeezed her eyes even tighter, tears fighting their way out between her lids. She was holding her breath trying to not make any sound, trying to stifle her sobs and her shaking. She was feeling lightheaded and her body was shutting down. It was simply too much to handle.

He watched her slump into the wall and her eyes flutter shut. She’d passed out. From fear? From the exhaustion of everything? He slowly approached her body and held his breath as he stood over her. Her face was splotchy from crying and the small frown on her face covered in scratches made his knees buckle. He collapsed next to her and choked out a sob as quietly as he could. 

He didn’t want to wake her and scare her further but he needed to see her up close. Make sure she was okay. He lifted a hand up and ghosted his knuckles along her wet cheek. She’d been trying to hold her tears in but that prospect was futile when the man she was stuck in the cell with was the monster who’d gotten her into all of this. 

“My love. My sweet girl. What have I done?” He whispered his words, barely louder than the breaths he drew into his lungs, “I’m so sorry that this has happened to you. I’ve been careless with you and now I’ve lost you for good.”

He stretched his fingers out and touched the scratches on her face. He lowered his gaze to her uniform and noticed her shirt was ripped near the shoulder. Prodding the material gently the fabric fell away. It was a tear. A large one, exposing most of the top part of her arm and large scratch marks. He could see where someone, James most likely, had lightly clawed into her arm in three long stripes.

His cheeks and neck burned hot with anger and sorrow. This wasn’t fair. His intentions had always been good. He only loved her and wanted to keep her safe at all costs. But he had failed. Nothing else mattered to him but her and yet, he’d failed her. He didn’t try hard enough. He hadn’t been paying attention. 

He bowed his head and let a small deluge of tears fall into his lap silently. His own fault. All of it.

When he’d composed himself enough to look back at her, to take her all in he put his palm over her arm and the cuts underneath were hot to the touch. Had they not even bothered to give her something to disinfect? But of course they wouldn’t. They didn’t intend for her to be alive for much longer.

“Y/N,” his lip quivered as he moved his hand back to her face and tenderly brushed at her temple, “I’ll never forgive myself.”

*

She inhaled deeply, the scent comforting and familiar. She flinched eventually, and jerked away, scurrying off the floor and standing upright. To her side lay a tray, untouched. A full glass of water and a sandwich. She hadn’t eaten at all that day, not having been able to stomach any food before she left for the station in the morning. But she didn’t want it. 

She noticed Harry’s shirt, folded where her head had rested, and a quick glance towards him proved her suspicion right. He’d placed it under her head as she’d fallen asleep, probably from emotional fatigue more than physical exhaustion. 

Harry was sitting up with his head leaned into the cement wall behind him, but he was slumped slightly. His big chest was shallowly rising and falling. He appeared to be asleep. But then he spoke, “Y/N…”

She looked away from his frame and pressed her back into the wall behind her.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry…” his words came out slow and slightly slurred. Had he been injured somehow?

But she didn’t have time to think about it further as the cell door swung open, three men entered and one spoke, “Get up. You’re both coming with us,” then he looked toward Harry, “Heard you haven’t had anything to drink at all, alpha. That’s a big mistake. Should have taken the water offered to you earlier like a good boy,” he taunted.

Two men struggled to lift Harry, he was practically dead weight but once he was upright he seemed to be standing tall and steady. The third man pulled Y/N upward and then plucked the shirt from the ground, tossing it at Harry, “How sweet of you. I’m sure the human appreciated the last kind gesture she’ll ever get.”

Harry slipped his shirt on and growled as he was pulled from the room with Y/N behind him. 

The man holding Harry’s right arm mocked, “Man, they really did double up on the sedative, didn’t they? Thought you’d put up more of a fight. S’like dragging a submissive omega around.” The three guards laughed together, pulling the alpha and the human with them down the long hallway toward their final fate.

*

The space they were brought to was about the size of a small courtroom. There was a bit of a familiar setup to what Y/n had seen on those live court shows that aired on daytime TV. The front of the room was elevated with seating for a handful of people and to the side was a gated area with more seating behind it. There were rows of chairs facing the elevated portion at the front and a large wooden podium on the floor that appeared to be for one person.

“Sit.” The man who’d been gripping her arm tightly barked at her as he shoved her toward one of the seats that was obviously meant for her.

Harry growled lowly at the man and gave him a look of warning. Not that any of it mattered, but he was still very protective of her. Still wanted her to be treated well even if they didn’t intend to keep her alive for much longer.

The pair were forced to sit next to one another, well, to Harry that was a relief. To be able to check in on her and if by chance she should need his protection he’d be close enough. 

Despite the dreadful circumstances, the light that came in from the large frosted window behind the elevated seating area made everything feel more dreamlike. Pretty, even. As if this was a joyous event.

Filling in the seats in the gallery were all the members of Harry’s pack. The room was crowded. They were there to witness and then vote on the outcome of the trial. He also noted the scent of his nephew and his aunt somewhere in the vicinity, though he did not see them. He imagined that Lester had brought Alma and Edward for support. To say goodbye to Harry if it came to that. It wasn’t often that this room was used for trials or proceedings such as this. In fact, this was the first time anything like this had ever happened.

Typically, the kind of hearings that took place here were only before the Council of Elders. Spectators were not normally invited into the room. But for this momentous occasion, not only would Harry and Y/N be going before the council, there would be an audience watching and deciding their fate, as well as witnesses to testify for or against them. 

Just then the door to the gated area at the side of the room opened and began to fill in with people. James, Irina, Niall, and Lester. Y/N watched in surprise when she spotted Irina. She heard Harry tell her that Niall and Lester would be there, even though she made no attempt to act as if she heard. She did. But Irina. That surprised her. Although thinking back at how she flashed her golden eyes at her, it all made sense now. She was one of them. She’d infiltrated the station as a ranger, somehow, all in an effort to hurt her and gather information on her. She realized getting her fired was probably just the cherry on top for Irina. She must’ve known she’d be getting kidnapped right afterward, so really, this only served as a personal jab at her. 

Harry watched James as he and Irina sat in their positions opposite from Lester and Niall. He’d love the chance to humiliate and then murder James in front of all the people in this room. Of course, the idea of doing such a thing in front of Y/N made him pause. She would surely think him a monster after seeing him tear James apart. But it was the best he could hope for. Perhaps he could make a deal with the elders when he was the victor in a fight against James to spare her. And he was sure that was the direction this whole thing would be heading. 

Suddenly a loud voice from behind called out, “Council of Elders approach the bench.”

A group of men walked swiftly through the center of the room and each stepped up onto the elevated partition and took a seat. 11 of them. The one at the end sat the tallest on a raised block with a table in front of him and began to speak. 

“To the gallery, your role here is important today but, please heed the rules of the committee and the council and refrain from speaking during the proceeding. You will be removed should you break protocol, thus annulling your vote. To our witnesses,” he waved his arm toward the side of the room, “you also will heed our rules. If you are out of line you will be removed and your statement struck from the record. To our accused,” the man looked at Y/N and then at Harry, “do not interject or cause a disturbance. Any such disruption will result in immediate removal and any witness statements on your behalf will be struck from the record and the consequence of such will not be in your favor. Y/N will not be permitted to give a statement as her testimony is baseless to the council based on the fact that she is a human. Our judiciary system is only effective amongst our own kind. Should the defendant be proven guilty, your sentence will be death penalty, by default”

He swung his large mallet down with a heavy thud and stood from his seat, the council following suit and everyone else in the room after, “We are here today because we have been supplied with some very troubling information about our very own alpha leader. We have claims of insubordination of his duties, consorting with a human female in lieu of a pack alpha female as is tradition for continuing the distinct familial lineage of his ancestors, and the most severe accusation, that he has been traitorous and disloyal to our pack by revealing our sacred covenant to a human, putting our entire pack and our way of being at risk,” he paused dramatically as a few people in the gallery gasped lightly. Harry rolled his eyes before the elder continued, “As was agreed upon in our treaties and the vows our alpha took upon adulthood this is a crime punishable by death if evidence proves him guilty.”

The presiding elder rose his hand and looked at the crowd, “Quiet. I will not warn again.” Everyone hushed their voices and the elder turned and faced Y/N, “And just to reiterate for full disclosure and clarity, as part of our sacred pact and agreement, any human aware of our existence must be put to death for the protection and preservation of our pack.”

Y/N gulped and felt her heart rate pick up. She could pass out again. She didn’t see any way out of this. Not only was everyone in the room with her a werewolf, but she was also very much aware of their existence. Why hadn’t they just killed her right off the bat?

Harry felt the shift in her emotion, in her physical state. He couldn’t help himself when he discreetly moved his arm to press the back of his hand into the side of her thigh. He didn’t turn to look at her, not wanting to chance being called out by the presiding elder. But he did hope it helped her calm. At least a little. Or maybe he did that for himself. To just touch her to make sure she was still really there. Alive, whole. 

James was called to the podium at the center that faced the elders. 

“James, you are here today to give a statement against our accused. You may commence.”

“I came to learn that Harry was hanging around a human, Y/N there,” he turned and gestured toward her before turning back to the elders, “when I kept smelling her on him. At first, it was just a hunch but then I kept smelling the same human female on him. And not just the light whisps you collect when you stand near a human. No, this was scent. He was covered in her. And then that’s when I saw it with my own two eyes,” he nodded as he spoke, “They were in his car together and I saw them turn into the drive-in theater. I didn’t follow them in but everyone knows what goes on at a drive-in theater, “ he snorted at his lame joke.

The presiding elder raised his hand, “Please stick to the subject and keep your statement concise.”

James tilted his head and stared the elder down before slowly nodding his head, “Ever since the alpha met this girl he’s been neglecting his duties as well. Everyone else is trying to pick up his slack,” he turned to the audience, “Right, guys?”

A few in the crowd made some quiet grunts of agreement, to the chagrin of the leading elder, but nearly all of them nodded at him in consensus. 

“So then I confronted him a few days ago. Wanted to bring to him an offer,” he turned his head to the gallery nodding, and then back to the council, “Our alpha doesn’t even want to be leader! But do you know what he did when I told him I had a proposition? He attacked me,” he pulled his collar aside and showed the small wound on his neck that had mostly healed thanks to a werewolf’s natural ability to recover from physical trauma faster than a human. “He did that.”

A gasp from the audience and a thud of the mallet on the table, “Silence. And James, with all due respect, please get on with the statement. The council is waiting.”

James scoffed and shook his head, “As I was saying, he attacked me when I approached him with an offer for me to take over as alpha and he’d get exactly what he wanted too; To not be alpha. Our own alpha despises us so much that he would rather go off with a human than bear the responsibility of his own pack. But the final straw was learning what Irina told me. About the human. She knows everything. Harry has told her all about our affairs. And thatin and of itself is grounds for being stripped of his title. Which brings me to the other reason I’m here today. Because when Harry’s title is removed, I’d offer to you, the council,” he turned toward the gallery and spoke, “and you, all of you,” before turning back again to the elders, “to take over as alpha. I will be your leader. I have the trust of nearly the whole pack, I’ve brought to you proof of our alpha’s misdoings, and I’m willing to fight to the death for the position of leader if necessary.”

In a small shock to Harry, he noticed Y/N’s head tick toward him just the slightest and her lips subtly parted. He glanced toward her and could tell she was looking in his direction from the side of her eye.

“Does the council have any questions for our first witness?”

An elder stood, “Can you please give us the details about what happened when you left the alpha after he attacked you? I believe there was more that we need on the record.”

“Oh yes. Well, luckily there were some other pack members nearby and they were able to detain him. You know, stop him from killing me. And so, uh, they decided to bring him in because they were concerned about who he might hurt next.”

The standing elder nodded, “So you’re saying you had not notified any of these other pack members that were nearby beforehand about you confronting the alpha at his home? They were just coincidentally there?”

James nodded, “That is correct. It was only me going to the alpha, one on one. To give him a fair offer. I didn’t know he would attack me and boy was I thankful that the others happened to be there.”

The elder sighed, “I suppose if others can back up your statement we have no choice but to support your testimony.”

Y/N understood the tone of the elder as doubtful. He didn’t believe James. She sat up straight at this realization. Was there a chance for hope? Was James so dumb that he’d dug his own grave on this one? If there was one elder who didn’t believe him that could possibly mean there were others. Maybe the pack would turn on him.

Harry noticed it as well. But then again, the elders were typically by the book. They might have a bias and Harry clearly saw that they were mostly on James’ side, but the scrutiny of the one elder did not go unnoticed. Though it could be a ruse to throw defending witnesses off. 

When James was told to return to his seat, Irina stepped up to the podium and looked around at everyone in the gallery and then at Harry. She didn’t even glimpse in Y/N’s direction.

“Irina, you are here today to give a statement against our accused. You may commence.”

“I met Y/N in the preserve. She works as a forest ranger. I took a job so I could get to know her and find out if she knew about the pack. Because once we learned she was seeing the alpha we figured we needed to do something about this. Just in case. I mean, it was really just a matter of protecting our pack and taking matters into our own hands since it’s not like we could take this information to our alpha.” Irina turned to look back at Harry again, “And it pained me when I learned this. Truly. I never wanted to get you in trouble, alpha.” She looked back to the council, “But I had no choice. I had a duty to the pack.”

The elders nodded as she continued, “But I learned, from Y/N’s own mouth, that she knew about us and our pack. At the time she didn’t realize I was one of us. She just thought I was a human like her,” she smiled, “but she told me she knew about Edward too. And of course, she divulged some things that I think you all can just imagine about his, well, his bed habits,” she laughed, “ because we all know there isn’t any human that can do it like our kind.” 

Her last statement pulled out some stifled chuckles and peeps of laughter before they hushed themselves. For Y/N it made her face hot with embarrassment. Not only had Irina completely invented her story, but she was also attempting to humiliate her.

The mallet slammed against the wood, “Order in the gallery! Our next witness, please approach.”

“Niall Horan, we will address you as such, using your full civilian name, since you chose to renounce the pack and therefore you will be treated as an outsider, you are here today to give a statement in favor of our accused. You may commence.”

“Before I begin with my official witness statement, I think it’s important for me to say that last night Y/N let me know that Harry was missing, which concerned me. Then, first thing this morning, I called Lester to see if he knew anything and he immediately told me to warn Y/N not to go to her apartment alone. He had a feeling that this pack was up to something. And when I couldn’t reach her I went to her apartment and found that her door was left open and she was nowhere to be seen. Her bag and cell phone left behind. If Y/N hadn’t come to me about Harry, Lester and I would not be here right now to speak on behalf of these two innocent individuals.” Niall turned to look at Harry and Y/N briefly as he gestured at them before facing back toward the council. 

He cleared his throat before continuing, “I met Y/N when Harry brought her to me for a sprained ankle. As most of you know I’m a doctor in the civilian world amongst humans. But I treat humans and werewolves alike. Harry was adamant about her not knowing that we are werewolves. And then he just started bringing her around more. So I’ve had the opportunity to meet her and assess her up close. I can tell you, without a shadow of a doubt, that she never knew about this pack. Harry was meticulous in making sure she didn’t find out. He never wanted to risk having her learn the truth. And so yeah, it was not favorable of him to be with a human but there aren’t any specific rules that forbid that. But he abided by the sacred law of loyalty and secrecy. He kept his word. His honor is intact. I personally vouch for it.”

“And can you provide us with an example of why you are convinced he kept his word?”

Niall took a deep breath and nodded, “Yeah, a few actually. The first is that Harry used my condo and pretended it was his place. Because she was getting suspicious about why he never took her to his house. So he pretended he was just a regular guy living in a condo in the city. And he always maintained that Edward was just a pet. A pup. She was convinced he was the alpha’s pet.”

Y/N turned her head slightly, keeping her face forward but moved her eyes to look at Harry in her peripheral. Eddie. 

“Oh, and then he bought a house too because he could only keep staying at my place for so long. He just went out of his way to never tip her off about anything. He even asked me a lot of questions for pointers on how to act like a human around her - like a normal guy. He just wanted her to think of him as someone like her. The way he went out of his way to not have her suspect anything was amiss confirms to me that he never intended to tell her.”

Next, Lester was up.

“My nephew brought Edward to live with me. Edward needed a place to live and thrive and not be held back. Your pack kept him traumatized and did nothing to help him or nurture him back from his shifted state. I think this is well worth mentioning, albeit off topic so to say, but when Harry is also accused of not being a good pack leader I feel it’s necessary. He is the only one here who truly cared about the lineage and survival of this pack’s legacy since he was ever only going to be alpha for the interim until Edward came of age. I repeat, Edward- your alpha one day. I will not go into detail about how you all conspired against him since he is present here with us–” the crowd gasped and one of the elders used the mallet to reinforce silence once more, “But you all know how you handled this situation. It is not lost on me, nor any other pack leader in the country, I can assure you. Coming back to the matter at hand, Y/N always thought that they were bringing him to live with me so he could have space to run on my farm. Because she thought he was a pet.”

Y/N was reminded again of the chip that she put in Eddie that first night. It was one of the reasons she was fired from her job but perhaps could also be proof that she didn’t know. She knew she wasn’t getting a chance to make a statement but maybe somehow she could mention it. It was something to cling to.

When Lester had finished his statement the door behind the witness gate opened and a young boy stepped forward and approached the podium, standing next to it so he could see the elders as he was not quite tall enough yet to see over it.

Harry’s body language changed and Y/N realized at that moment when she saw the boy that this was Eddie. She knew it was. He had his hair combed to the side and wore a small suit. He stood up straight and looked back at the gallery and then at Harry and Y/N with a small smile.

And when the elder gave his introduction, Y/N gasped quietly in surprise. She knew it was him the moment she laid eyes on him, a gut feeling deep down, but now it was confirmed. It seemed that only the elders and Lester were aware that Eddie would be giving a statement. The audience made a small quiet commotion at the shock of his human state.

Eddie began to speak and inconsistent with his smaller stature and childlike appearance, his voice was loud and clear. He was confident and well-spoken. A true alpha if there was ever any. Harry smiled at this. Proud of Edward.

“Hi. I know some of you are surprised to see me here but when I found out that there would be a trial and that Y/N and my uncle were in danger I knew I needed to help. In fact, this was the reason that I was able to finally shift back. I wanted to be here. I had to. Uncle Lester was going to leave in a rush to get here as soon as possible and… it was now or never. Because I know that she was never aware of us. Harry never told her. She always treated me like a pet, a dog, and even tried to give me dog treats sometimes,” he smirked as he looked back at Y/N.

She was unable to hold in her tears as she listened to Eddie with her mouth covered to keep quiet but her sobs were heard by everyone in the room. Y/N was beside herself to see Eddie as a boy and speaking on her behalf in hopes to save her life. To save his uncle. This little man speaking was the pup she had grown so fond of. It was no wonder she had been so attached to him because he wasn’t a mere canine. He was a sentient being with deep feelings and emotions.

“Even when they took me to live with Lester, Y/N always thought that I was just a dog or a pet. She’d pat my head and hold me in her lap and scratch my ears. Y/N and Uncle Harry don’t deserve any of this. It was a setup. By James. And I’ve never trusted him, to be honest. He is one of the reasons I never wanted to shift back to my human form. He scared me and I didn’t feel safe around him. I know that he wanted to have me done away with too. And you guys agreed with him,” Eddie looked around the audience and back to the elders, “So I’m glad I’m not part of your pack anymore. I’m safer and happier where I am now. There’s still a long way to go until I’m old enough to be leader, but I really don’t think I’ll ever change my mind about not wanting to return and rule over this pack. Maybe I could one day get over how most of you treated me like I was broken, but I can’t forget how you’ve treated my uncle and Y/N.”

Harry and Y/N watched as Eddie walked back into the room behind the witness gate. He gently nudged at her with his elbow and peeked down at her face. He could feel the way her heart lobbed in her chest with love for his nephew. The notion that his little human felt so deeply for Edward made him ache with affection for her. 

When it was Harry’s turn the elder gave a slightly different introduction.

“Alpha leader, you are here today because you are being accused of the very serious crime of speaking of our existence to a human. Can you offer us a statement to counter that accusation?”

“Well, given that this is a setup and you’ve already made up your minds, I’ll certainly try. Everything I’m about to tell you here today and everything I’ve been saying since you’ve wrongfully detained me is the truth. I haven’t told her anything. She never knew about us. I would never. In fact, James was the one to tell her. And Irina. And anyone who took her into interrogation. She was not privy to our secrets before that. What Niall says is true. I bought a house to keep her concerns at bay. I wanted her to just think I was a regular human. And she always thought that Edward was my pet.”

An elder stood, “Why would you go through such trouble for a human, alpha? I think we all want to know your reason for such a departure from your character. Your lineage runs deep and continuing it is important to our pack. Now that Edward is promised to The Pack of the Western Plains we are relying on you to continue the bloodline.” 

Harry cleared his throat, “Because I wanted to be with her. There’s no one else I’ve ever felt this way about. No one else I’ve felt this pull towards. Not to any alpha female, from this or other packs. I know nobody here will understand or even believe me when I say that I know it in my bones that Y/N is my true mate." The audience gasped loudly and the elder using the mallet had to exert it for a long while to regain order in the court. “I was going to give up everything for her. Even my title. But I would have never told her,” he looked at each of the elders for a moment before continuing.

“I know how important the lineage is to the pack but to me, it still lives on with Edward. He’s a strong alpha already, as you’ve just seen, and destined to be leader. But, I would have given up continuing the line or having children of my own for her. She’s worth denying my lineage, my title, my natural urges.”

Y/N shifted in her seat as she listened to Harry’s confession. All the new information was stunning to her. Edward and then… they couldn’t have babies? But the fact that he would give that all up for her... Would have walked away from his pack… there was too much to unpack but regardless her heart drummed within her chest as he continued to speak about her as if she were the most precious thing to him. 

Another elder stood to question him, “You would seriously deny yourself the instinct to mate with someone and produce offspring just to be with this human?”

Harry nodded, “Yes. I’d already resigned myself to that. If it meant I could have her I would give that up.”

She looked up at him now. To the side of his head with its mess of matted curls. He loved her. Even if everything was in shambles and he’d lied to her and kept this big part of him a secret, his feelings had always been real. He had only been trying to protect her.

“She’s worth it. Worth any sacrifice. And certainly worth renouncing you sorry lot,” he snarled and everyone in the audience went even more quiet, heads bowed down at the way he commanded respect even in his weakened state. “I’ve had to endure a lot from you all, overlook your shortcomings, try my best to bring this pack back to what it once was in its glory days- but what happened here now reaffirms that my choice would’ve been correct. You’re not worth the sacrifice. The way you treated my nephew, and now me, your leaders by birthright, is  testament to that. And with that, I am ending my pleading here: if I have to fight to death, let it be for her. I’m not fighting to be your alpha. I don’t want to be your leader. You’re undeserving. I will fight for her to be spared. Because she is innocent in all this. And I did not break any rule, I did not disclose anything, it’s your own fault she’s learned about us. James’ fault. Irina’s fault. The council’s fault for allowing this to even happen. You can vote for me to walk freely, with Y/N of course, with no harm done to her, and you can have your beloved James to be your leader for all I care. You’re a lost cause anyway, to me. Let him fuck it up entirely. Or, vote for us to fight to death. But be warned, you will be left leaderless by the end of the fight, that I can assure you.”

“Or they can just vote to have you both killed!” James stood up, snarling.

“Order! Order!”

Harry chuckled mockingly, “Just order, huh? Thought whoever interrupted would have their stance annulled. Vote carefully, since it’s blatantly obvious that the council is biased!”

“That is enough, alpha. You’ve made your point.”

When Harry returned to his seat next to Y/N the elders each spoke amongst themselves as the pack voted. Y/N turned to look up at Harry while they were deliberating. It was the first time since they’d been detained that she looked him square in his eyes. Harry could have melted off his chair and into a gooey puddle of adoration under his feet when he saw her tender expression. She was still with him. He knew the look in her eyes. He hadn’t lost her yet.

She wished she could talk to him. To find out if he was really going to be made to fight to the death. She didn’t know if she could bear it if anything happened to him, even after everything. Especially not at the hands of James. Yes, Harry had deceived her, but after seeing what was at stake, she realized he’d been right, back in the cell- there really had been no other way about it. He could’ve either given her up entirely, or lied to her to protect her. 

And even as she was risking a death penalty, she still wouldn’t take it back, any of it. She didn’t regret it, even now. Because she loved him.

She looked deep into his eyes and wished she could utter those words. Before it was too late. If they were really going to fight to death, this could be her last chance. The rational part of her brain argued that he could have trusted her with their secret, that he should’ve known she would never tell anyone and risk their lives like that- but she knew that, above everything, Harry had been scared of losing her. Of scaring her off with the truth of what he was. And she didn’t blame him. It was a tough pill to swallow, and she still couldn’t even wrap her brain around him being a werewolf. And all the implications that came with that. He’d been scared to tell her, and rightfully so. Scared to lose her. 

And maybe, had she told him how she felt about him, he wouldn’t have been scared. And they wouldn’t be here. 

But it was too late.

There was so much she wanted to tell him. To ask him. She wanted to ask him about Eddie too. She had so many questions about that. She had not been privy to whatever had happened to him so most of what was said during the statements given made no sense to her. But she did gather that something bad had happened to Eddie and that he was probably sent to live with Lester and away from Harry’s pack for safety. 

But there wasn’t any time. It was only a few more moments until the presiding elder spoke, “Alpha and James… please step forward.”

Harry looked over at Y/N before standing and walking to the front before the elders, with James joining him to his left.

“As you know, a unanimous vote is needed in order to determine guilt or innocence. In this case, we have some pack members who would like to see a physical expression of loyalty to gain reward and so therefore we are willing to arrange a fight for honor. A duel between the two of you, as you’ve both expressed being open to this probability. Are you still in agreement with this path?”

Harry nodded as did James.

“You are aware then, that one of you will lose his life at the conclusion of this?”

James turned to look at the room packed with bodies behind him and spoke mockingly, “Who’s it gonna be, guys?” 

The crowd slowly grew louder. Y/N could hear that most of the people in the room were not on Harry’s side. Which was absurd because James was an absolute moron with a huge ego. Not only that, but it was blatantly obvious to her that Harry was the strongest out of the two, even seeing James in his wolf form. It dawned on her that she would probably soon see Harry in his wolf form as well. She had a feeling he’d look absolutely ferocious yet majestic. She realized that if she didn’t feel dread fill up her every pore she’d actually feel excited for the reveal. 

The presiding elder hushed the crowd and James before continuing, “Alpha, what are your terms?”

“If I’m the victor she gets to go free,” he turned and gestured toward Y/N. “Spare her life. I’ll leave here with her and never look back.”

The elder nodded and turned to the council to speak before looking at James, “What are your terms?”

“I’ll be your leader. And the lying human is put to death. I’d also love to do the honors.”

Once the elders discussed the terms and came to an agreement the main elder spoke to everyone in the room.

“Terms are set and a consensus is made. We will have a judicial combat of honor between our accused alpha and James, the one who is bringing the charges. Forthwith we will ready the training room for the contest which will commence in thirty minutes' time.”

Y/N was suddenly struck with nausea and despair. Not only was her life in danger but Harry might very well be murdered right in front of her eyes. He was clearly not fit for such a feat. He’d been heavily sedated and from what she’d heard from the guard, hadn’t taken a drink of anything since he’d been detained. She remembered also, the tray of food sat next to her in the cell, untouched. Harry hadn’t even considered eating her sandwich or drinking her water even though he knew this might have been the outcome. She wished he would have taken some. Even if only a little. He would need all the energy he could get and yet he chose to leave it for her. 

She imagined the worst, unable to keep her mind from spiraling to scenes of him collapsing to the ground, his soft eyes looking for her in the audience for comfort, and then heaving his last breath.

As people began to file out of the room, tears welled in her eyes as she stood from her seat, “No! It’s not a fair fight!”

Harry twisted around quickly to look at his little human who was in distress. He hadn’t expected it but she continued, “Wait! He hasn’t had any water and was given a sedative! This is not fair! Please!” She turned to look at the gallery of people behind her in hopes of getting them to listen but she knew that this was their plan all along.

Harry began to walk quickly toward Y/N before he could even think. She wanted him safe, wanted him alive. When he was only a few feet away he was stopped by guards, but he managed to tell her before they pulled him away “All I need is your support. Have faith in me.”

Harry was being pulled away toward a door as Y/N’s arms were grasped to stop her from following, “Harry!” 

She watched him disappear behind James through a door and the elders behind them, “Where are they going? Wait! I need to see him! Please!”

One of the men who was holding her squeezed her arm tight, “Calm down. Everyone’s going to the same place to watch. Not sure you actually will enjoy what you’ll see, though. We all know he’s going to die. We’ve made sure of it.”

*

The training room looked like a gymnasium without equipment. Chairs were lined up along the walls and the middle was cleared with plenty of room for two men, or werewolves in this case, to fight. Y/N was placed in a seat, a guard sitting next to her. She watched the room fill in. Niall and Lester with Alma and Eddie following behind. Pack members sitting anywhere they could find space, some standing at the back where there were no seats for them. It was quite a social gathering.

The elders took their spots in their designated seats and the presiding elder stood at the center. She had to do something. She just had to. Someone had to listen. She directed her sights to the elder who seemed to not fully believe James’ statement as she stood, “Your alpha has not had anything to drink!”

Her arm was yanked and she was pulled back down to her seat. The guard said something to her but she realized that the elders were looking right at her now so she continued, totally disregarding whatever the guard was trying to tell her, “He’s been given a sedative! This fight is not fair! You must give him rest and time-”

Her mouth was covered as the guard plucked her from her spot and dragged her toward the side of the room where she would be front and center to the fight, “You’ll keep your mouth shut or I’ll throw you in the middle of the fight so James can finish you both off.”

The room was noisy with chatter and the air felt humid. The elders continued glancing her way but gave her no response. The cowards.

Suddenly the main elder began to speak loudly, hushing the crowd, “We will begin once our contenders step foot onto the floor. You know the rules,” he gestured around him as he spoke, “No interference or foul play from spectators will be tolerated. You will stand back and move out of their way if you do not want to wind up injured because they will not be penalized for accidentally harming anyone in the audience if you are too close. The only ones permitted to shift into their wolf in this room will be our contenders. Should these rules be broken, our guards have approval to kill on sight if necessary.”

No one in the room seemed phased by these parameters. In fact, most seemed quite jovial about the whole thing.

When James stepped into the center Harry followed. He caught sight of Y/N immediately. She was too close to where the action would be taking place. He didn’t like this at all. 

And as disoriented as he felt, every time he looked into her eyes he felt his resolve strengthen. He could do this. They’d tried to make this an unfair fight but Harry was far stronger than James ever was, even in his weakened state. The only reason James was confident about this fight was that he knew Harry had not been fed and had not had water in nearly 2 days. The sedative of course was the cherry on top and would put Harry at a disadvantage. But his determination was stronger than ever. He couldn’t die and lose to James because Y/N’s life hung in the balance. And for that fact alone, he would win this fight and save her life.

Y/N caught Harry’s eyes just before the fight commenced. He told her everything she needed to know in that one look. And she hoped she’d done the same, because as much as she trusted him… this might be their last interaction.

James was the first to shapeshift. Y/N didn’t even have time to blink and take the unfamiliar sight in when she saw Harry follow suit as well. Only Harry was far more majestic than James could ever be, as per her hunch. She had very little time to take in his wolf in all its splendor, but she noticed Harry’s fur was silver, no doubt a sign of lineage to the original silver wolf after which the preserve had been named. 

Both of them were large, massive, much larger than usual wolves by far, in fact, they were very much akin to large bears. Only more ferocious and canine. But Harry was definitely larger than James. 

Both had golden eyes, although Harry’s shone brighter, and she realized she’d seen his golden eyes before, she just didn’t know what she’d been looking at, for the split second he’d allowed her to see them, without his intention, no doubt.

James bared his fangs first and the two began slowly circling each other but when Harry did the same, Y/N yelped audibly. He was ferocious. His growl was otherworldly. She’d only heard something as terrifying in horror movies, and even then there was no comparison- this was real life. A real-life creature had emitted that growl. His fangs were long and shiny and pinpoint sharp, and as they continued circling she got to see him from every angle.

She couldn’t believe that was Harry. Her brain was just refusing to process it. It was impossible. Sure, Harry had always carried an air of danger and she’d always thought he was very masculine and strong and intense. But he was also soft when he wanted to be. Gentle. Loving. Affectionate. His laugh crinkled his eyes. He pouted adorably. And she recalled referring to his upper incisors as bunny teeth, even if never out loud.

This was such a far cry from the man she’d grown to love that she felt immediately light headed just from watching him alone, her heart hammering in her throat. She knew she had no reason to fear him, but it was hard to trick her brain into thinking that when the natural instinct was to run as far away as possible from such a creature. 

Though she was infinitely grateful that although ferocious, he wasn’t… sinister? She’d seen cartoons and various depictions of werewolves, of course, and they’d all looked a lot more macabre, walking on hindlegs and whatnot. 

But this was not the case. They were just… huge wolves. She could really see nothing different to the regular species. But being as large as they were, they were of course a lot more scary. Wolves were generally terrifying but a 7 foot wolf was… Something else entirely.

James was the first to pounce, as expected. He went straight for the jugular, and Y/N screamed in terror. Nobody else around her did, of course. She wasn’t used to this sort of display of violence. The animalistic growls were so loud she could feel her body shaking just from the sounds alone. 

But Harry had already anticipated James’ premature advance. He knew the fool would begin the fight too early. And because of that, James was not in proper position, nor was he warmed up for the real fight. He’d gotten ahead of himself and assumed Harry wouldn’t be prepared but instead was answered by Harry ripping him from his neck and knocking him back a good distance.

A thick tuft of fur was pulled from Harry’s throat, the skin underneath unscathed so far.

Harry’s thick tail waved slowly as he made ground circling James. His eyes were sharp on his opponent as he watched him right himself and plant his four legs back into place.

The low rumble coming from Harry and the way he retracted his lips, wrinkling the top of his muzzle and exposing his fangs was unsettling. The truth was, though, that he did need a moment to settle into his wolf form. The shift made him feel discombobulated from the energy it took. But he couldn’t show any weakness or fatigue. He didn’t want James to feel like he had the upper hand. 

The sudden lunge caught Harry off guard and he had been unable to turn and block the blow in time before they were both launched to the floor, James on top with his forepaws holding him down, claws just puncturing the surface of the thick skin at Harry’s chest.

Y/N gasped and teetered forward as her legs nearly gave out. The guard kept his grip on her arm and pulled her back, steady on her feet. 

She couldn’t believe her eyes. She looked from James’ smaller, squirrely form attacking the alpha’s broader, graceful one. He held Harry down solidly but the moment he lifted his chest and left forepaw the counter-attack from underneath came in the blink of an eye. Suddenly James was slammed onto his side and Harry was snarling over his rival, his muscles tensed as he quickly snapped his teeth and buried his sharp fangs into the space between his shoulder and flank, tearing his flesh and causing the crimson liquid to spill out onto the floor under.

Hisses and grumbles from the boisterous spectators grew loud in the room and Y/N could almost feel the floor shaking beneath her from how rowdy the crowd was. But the only thing she could focus on was the way Harry was ripping into James’ dense flesh.

The sounds coming from the pair were something from her nightmares. James’ inhuman wail was something she would not soon forget. But she knew instantly what he was trying to say with his horrifying cry. That he was terrified he was going to die.

The shift in the fight happened when James was able to kick Harry off of him. His hind claws cutting into Harry’s foreleg, causing him to back off long enough that James could catch his breath and attempt to dominate his alpha again by pouncing on him before he’d even gotten into position to counterattack. 

This put James on top of Harry’s back. He growled as he reared himself to fling James off but not before he bit into the alpha’s shoulder blade. The two rolled on the floor and Harry had some difficulty prying his rival off his back, fangs attached with his jaw tensed and unyielding.

Y/N noticed the amount of blood surrounding them on the floor. The gory scene was horrific as was the sound of their cries and guttural growls. But she was quite aware that most of the blood was coming from James. Harry had torn him up very badly. His dark flesh was flayed open with blood pouring from his side and his chest. 

When Harry heaved his body up and finally rid himself of James' attack he leaped onto him and ripped into his neck with his teeth- fur, skin, and blood flying, covering Harry’s muzzle and chest, as well as the floor. 

She covered her eyes for a moment until she heard a howl. A high-pitched scream of pain coming from James as Harry shook his head back and forth, ripping his skin apart in deeper gouges.

A hindleg reached up and claws impaled Harry’s flank near his stomach, causing him to disengage his jaw and release his opponent. The sound from the alpha scared Y/N. He too was in pain. Severely injured from the last hit.

“Harry!” Y/N shrieked, tears welling in her eyes, her vision blurred and all she saw was brown, and silver, and red and blurry movement before her.

“Stand back!” The guard who had been holding her shouted as he let her go and moved away quickly to safety.

She turned instantly, not quite aware of what was happening, or why the guard let go of her as she saw him back away.

Suddenly her body was slammed into the ground, accompanied by a searing, overwhelming sensation of pain from her chest upward to her ear. She tried to put her arm out to protect herself and stop the blows from coming but by the time she was aware it had been too late.

Harry roared and wailed as he saw James grasp Y/N by her head and pull her down to the ground, slamming her to the floor, his claws ripping into her chest and then his sharp teeth punctured her neck, and shredding into her flesh, her jugular vein the target.

The alpha assailed James and immediately tore his neck and jaw as the rest of his life drained from his body. He’d successfully dispatched his opponent and won the fight. But he’d been too late. Y/N had been brutally attacked. Lying in her own blood as more poured from her small body, he shifted back to his human and shouted as he covered her with his large frame, “Help! Someone!” He cried with a shaky voice.

To anyone in the room, it was obvious what had happened. James was on the cusp of death as Harry pushed him off of himself one final time, sending him flying to the opposite corner, close to where Y/N was being held. Seeing the opportunity there, he wobbled toward Y/N and used the last of his energy to murder the only thing Harry cared about in the world. His last effort to hurt Harry in the only way he could.

Harry was weak after everything he’d been through but the sight of his mate on the floor with her neck stripped of its flesh and her chest deeply carved into, life slipping from her body, caused his lungs to collapse as he wept over her, “Y/N… my sweet girl. Please. I’m here. Hold on!” 

He yanked his shirt off from over his head and pressed it into her neck as Lester and Niall arrived at Harry’s side to help. But that damage was too great. There seemed to be little hope that she could be saved as Niall reached for his friend to help him up, “Come on, alpha. We need to stitch you up before you lose more blood. We’ll get her sorted.”

“No!” Harry growled and pushed Niall off, “She’s my mate! You cannot let her die! Take her first!” The alpha was hysterical as he continued petting at her hair and pushing his now blood-soaked shirt into her neck.

“Nephew. She’s going to need extreme intervention which we do not have the means nor time for right now. You can still live if you let Niall patch you up before you lose too much blood.”

Harry was losing a lot of blood. Anyone could see it. The lacerated skin on his stomach was troubling to Niall. He could have a ruptured bowel and internal bleeding, and the way Harry was exerting far too much energy along with the loss of blood, he was bound to pass out. He needed him to remain conscious so he could get him to safety and operate immediately. Dragging an unconscious body to another location would be too time-consuming. They needed to move fast.

Harry gasped as the pain emanated from his breaking heart. He knew he was losing too much blood and that Niall and Lester were right, but he would not leave Y/N lying on the floor by herself.

“Give me your shirt!” He spoke quickly and put his hand out as he kept his eyes on his mate. Niall pulled the material off from over his head and Harry grabbed it and swiftly placed the fresh, dry cloth to her neck as he scooped her into his arms and stood up. He was bringing her with him. He would not leave her behind for the pack to discard of her body. If it was the last thing he did, he’d leave with her and never look back. Just as he promised he would do after gaining victory over his accuser.

Chapter 11

A/N: (@fkinavocado and @gurugirl here) WE’RE BACK!! BUT ALSO, OOPS SORRY YOU GUYS 🫣

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[marigold-hills]

Dunes & Waters, part 27

PART 1 • PREVIOUS PART • NEXT PART

Remus’ University affiliation doesn’t help them. They’re treated as nothing but tourists – worse even, British tourists. A security guard follows them room to room like they’re there to take what their predecessors had left behind.

There isn’t much. Remus tells Sirius about the history of Lycopolis as the birthplace of Wepwawet’s worship, then as the capital of Nedjefet-Khent, the thirteenth nome of Upper Egypt.

They walk into a room with an old sepia-toned photo above the doorway. On a backdrop of sand dunes, a group of serious white men stand smiling very smugly.

“Is that our expedition?” Sirius asks and Remus nods in affirmation, sneaking a glance in the direction of the guard.

“1835, it says. Before Maxime Du Camp.” Remus tells him. “No wonder they look so happy, would have been the first-time archeologists got here.”

A statue at the centre of the room snags his attention. A man with a head of a falcon, a round disk atop the crown. “That’s odd,” Remus says but Sirius is too distracted by reading the information plaque underneath a yellowed papyrus.

It’s Khonsu, the moon god. Everything in the room has been found in the local ruins, but Khonsu had no worship in Lycopolis, no reason for a shrine or a statue.

It’s rendered in bronze and glass. Standing tall. Arms outstretched. Remus feels the same trepidation he always does when seeing depictions of the full moon, like a part of him knows his human eyes aren’t meant to see it. Like the view belongs to the other part of him and he’s encroaching on it.

Like, if he looks, he’ll transform even in broad daylight.

Over the statues heart, on the carved tunic, sits a small red crystal, surrounded by blue.

“Sirius,” Remus calls out at the same time as Sirius looks to him from the scroll and says, “look at this.”

Not sure how they decide it but Sirius comes over to the statue first. “Oh fuck, that’s Aquila,” he says when Remus points to the constellation on Khonsu’s chest. “And again Alshain in red.”

“You were right.”

 “Of course I was,” he’s quick to agree, wide grin beyond happiness. “Now go read the scroll.”

It’s something between an instruction manual and a love letter. Speaks of wolf-bodied men and deities who protect them.

Deities who, if appeased, can grant them the freedom of control.

Most of the scroll is untranslated. On the edges of the parchment are tiny drawings of constellations – Lupus, Aquila – and of the moon phases, and of men with heads of beasts.

“We need to take this with us.”

“Sirius, I highly doubt the museum will let us.”

“Then copy it. You’re a wizard, think of something. I’ll distract the guard.”

Sirius walks behind a glass case filled with an assortment of coins and necklaces. Looks around, makes sure the guard doesn’t have a line of view on him. No other people in the room.

He looks at Remus, winks at him, and then there’s a big shaggy black dog standing where Sirius was before.

NEXT PART

NOTES:

I’m at a wedding for the rest of the week so not sure how the updates will be - might not have anything new till Sunday. If that’s the case, hope you all have a lovely end of week <3

@tealeavesandtrash

@moon-girl88

@hoje--aqui

@cocoabutterandbooks

@onion-sliced-apples

@prancingpony42

@digital-kam

@remoonysiriusly

@sweetstarryskies

@a-sunset-outside-my-window

@procrastinatingstuff

@annaliza999

(let me know if you do/don’t want to be tagged!)

[thisgirlnamedblusy]

Sry if your busy or just don't wanna do this, you don't have too.

But could I request Donna with lover!reader who's scared easily, and hides under the blankets during the night, but never admit to being scared???

Yesyesyes!!! Don't worry, I'm not quite busy right now. I have enough free time to write your requests :))) Here it is!!! I hope you like it!!! Sorry if it's too long and about the language mistakes!!!

Afraid of being afraid

Pairing: Donna Beneviento x Fem! Reader (Elena Lupu's sister, cause, why not?)

Warnings: Insecurities, fluff, comfort

Word count: 5,338

Summary: You were a coward, or so you think. You can't let Donna to know that scared side of you...

N/A: Sorry about the language mistakes!!! Requests are open!!! I'm waiting yours :))) I love you all!!!

“Oh, come on. Not now...” You mumbled as you were in that elevator.

The small light that illuminated the cabin seemed to want to give you a bad time, blinking and threatening to leave the place in complete darkness.

It wasn't the first time you had walked that path and you were certainly delighted to do it but... It was... Terrifying. At least for you.

Even though you were old enough to stay calm in a situation like that, about to be left in the dark in a terrifying place, you weren't able to do it. Your father and sister always tried to help you overcome your fears, but they never succeeded.

Being a scared person in this village was strange, but hey, you were strange.

You were strange enough to catch one's attention. They said the most dangerous one in the place. Lord of Mother Miranda, Donna Beneviento.

Without really knowing how you had ended up madly in love with her, and, apparently, she with you, it hadn't been long since you had something resembling a relationship. You didn't really know if she was your girlfriend, or just a “special friend”, but you didn't care too much either. You were happy with her.

Like every afternoon for a couple of months, you went to the old estate to pay her a visit. You loved spending time with her, the more the better.

But the bad thing was that to get to your beloved's house you had to overcome a terrifying landscape of unstable bridges, crows hidden to scare you at the best moment, and sinister trees. If you didn't love her so much, you would never have dared to go to that place alone. You thought that maybe thanks to that you would begin to overcome your fears, but quite the opposite.

At least the elevator gave you a respite; stopping at your destination and opening the doors with an ominous creak, making the hair on the back of your neck stand up as you ran out of there.

“Oh, okay, okay,” you said, calming yourself as you walked away from that sinister cave, with Donna's house already in your field of vision.

Shyly, you knocked on the door, replacing fear with the desire to spend time with Donna.

Nothing, no response, just an even more sinister creak as the doors opened.

“Donna?” You asked, playing with your hands, which soon began to sweat.

Silence.

“Boo!” An unexpected screech made you step back, shrinking your chest.

“Ah!” You screamed scared, almost tripping in the process.

A mocking laugh appeared just before you ran back to the elevator. You should have imagined it. The Angie doll came out of her hiding place, laughing in amusement, enjoying your fear.

“Have I scared you? Coward, coward, (Y/N) is a coward…” She crooned in a sinister voice while you tried to catch your breath.

“What? No, you haven’t…” You said, pretending to regain your composure.

“Angie…” A soft voice made your heartbeat relax. Donna's voice. “Oh, tesoro, has she scared you?” She asked tenderly, approaching the door.

You smiled when you saw her. That's why you had come, to spend time with Donna, not to be scared.

“No, no, not at all,” you said, feigning a bravery that was hard to believe as the lady in black removed the veil from her face. She still had a hard time showing her appearance with you, but less and less.

Donna smiled, leaving that horrible black cloth on a table in the entrance and approaching you to place a tender kiss on your lips.

“I've missed you...” She murmured, slowly caressing your cheek, making you blush.

“Me... Me too,” you answered, kissing her again and taking her hands, swinging them, enjoying a silent moment of reunion. “Well… What are we going to do today?”

The lady in black smiled fondly, walking closer to you, leaving the doors behind.

“Well, I had thought that... Well, if you feel like it, of course...” Donna said, with a shy smile. In that you were the same, two shy fools.

“Yes, I feel like it,” you said, jokingly, letting yourself be grabbed by the waist.

“I haven't said anything yet, (Y/N)” she replied, amused, grabbing your body with that delicacy that drove you crazy.

“Well, I'm sure I'll like it... If it's with you,” you said, looking away from her, feeling the heat of your blush on your cheeks.

Donna smiled and caressed your flushed skin before shaking her head.

“I had thought about taking a walk around the grounds, so I'll show you them,” Donna finally said, after that moment so typical of first dates, in which you thanked the Black Gods for having made you meet.

“Oh, I…” You said suddenly, taking a step back. In your mind you were looking for an excuse to reject her offer. The road to her house and the surrounding woods were terrifying. You always shook when you walked around.

“Don't you feel like it? We can do something else, if you want,” Donna said, studying your expression. She knew there was something wrong with her innocent proposal.

“No, no,” you said, putting your hands in front of your body and faking a smile. “I mean… Yes, of course, I would love to, Donna.”

She smiled, kissing you again, pleased by your response.

“Alright. Don't worry, this time Angie will stay home,”  she said amused, looking askance at the doll who opened her mouth in protest.

“No, I want to go with you!” the puppet protested, pulling comically at the black dress of her owner.

“Angie, stop complaining,” the lady in black reprimanded, making Angie release her clothes. “This way you'll learn not to scare (Y/N).”

Donna wasn't stupid. She knew Angie had scared you, but you... You couldn't allow yourself to look like a coward. No, that was the only thing you didn't want her to know.

“Don't worry, Donna, she hasn't scared me, I'm used to it,” you said, making a gesture with your hand to downplay it.

The doll maker looked at you suspiciously but she nodded, closing the door behind her, drowning out the doll's childish protests.

“Let’s go?” she asked, extending her hand towards yours.

A walk with the woman you loved? Even if it was in a terrifying place? It didn't sound so bad after all.

At first it went well, the first two minutes, until you reached the elevator, where that infernal light that threatened to go out finally did.

“Oh, wow. It seems like it is finally...” Donna said, stopping talking when she noticed your arm in hers, squeezing it tightly out of fear. “Broken.”

You didn't say anything, you tried to stay calm even though your body was already speaking for itself, shaking and breathing heavily.

“My love, what's going on? Are you shaking?” She asked, affectionately, grabbing the arm that was clinging to her dress.

“I just tripped,” you lied clumsily, just as the elevator finished its descent.

You couldn't think she believed you, but she just smiled, giving you a soft kiss on the cheek, rubbing your back comfortingly.

The ride was fine as disturbing as those terrains were. There was still light and that made it much more bearable.

Donna explained each and every one of the plants that were in the place. You wish you had paid enough attention. You were more careful that a monster wouldn't come out of the bushes, or that a bloodthirsty crow would attack your neck mercilessly. At least you were next to her.

“Wow... It's impressive,” you said when you reached a small hill from which you could see a large part of the village. The sky was getting darker and darker, but little by little you began to get used to that disturbing place. “I can see almost the entire village.”

“Mmm,” Donna murmured, sitting next to a tree and encouraging you to do the same, in front of her, with your body resting on hers. “You are the most beautiful thing I see,” she whispered romantically, kissing you very close to her ear.

“Oh, I forgot,” you said, searching for something in your bag. “I brought you the cupcakes that you like so much,” you said with a smile, giving her paper bag full of those homemade sweets.

“You know I love them...” She whispered gratefully, taking one of them and offering another to you “Especially because you make them.”

You smiled again, blushing at the compliment.

And so the minutes passed, in silence, contemplating the landscape, enjoying each other company. A wonderful afternoon like the others, but... In a place you didn't like to be.

The crack of a branch distracted you from the erratic play you were doing with her hand in yours, causing you to stand up immediately.

“What was that?” You asked, again with your heart racing, looking around you, looking for the source of that sound.

“What?” Donna asked, standing up as well and putting a hand on your shoulder.

“That, that noise, haven't you heard it? I think, I think there's someone around here...” You said scared, with your legs shaking, threatening to give out.

“There's no one here, tesoro...” Donna whispered, making you look at her face. “You're shaking...” She said, rubbing your arms and looking at you worried.

Time to pretend again. Once again your absurd fear was making you ridiculous.

“Well, I... I'm, I'm cold,” you said, moving away from the woman, who looked at you with a frown.

“Do you want us to go home?” She asked, hugging you around the waist, as if she were trying to comfort you even though she didn't know what exactly was happening to you, even though she didn't know that you were scared to death.

You looked around. That romantic walk would have lasted forever if you had the choice, but a flock of black crows and the sunlight disappearing further and further into the mountains made your fear almost unbearable.

“I... Well, yes,” you said stuttering, searching with your eyes for any source of danger.

“Fine, because... I have something to give you too,” Donna said, whispering softly before kissing you quickly and taking your hand again, a hand that made you feel protected in some way.

“(Y/N) and Donna, kissing under a tree...” Angie hummed as you walked through the door. You were already used to her joking.

“How do you know that?” You asked curiously, while Donna was in charge of turning on the lights. The night threatened to come soon.

“We are connected, silly,” the doll mocked. “Also, even if I didn't know it, you just confirmed it to me.”

“Angie, leave her alone,” Donna said, scolding the puppet again, who crossed her arms, offended. “Come, tesoro…”

You held her hand again as she led you through the house.

You felt comfortable in that place, at least until you went down another terrifying elevator, towards the basement.

“Sorry, (Y/N), it's a bit dark down here,” the lady in black whispered, guiding you through those horrible hallways.

She probably said it because your fear became your main emotion again. The darkness was everything except your friend.

“No, it's okay. I'm, I'm used to it,” you lied, clinging to her arm, perhaps too tightly. You didn't want Donna to realize how terrified you were, but it was almost inevitable.

Donna opened a double door and stepped aside for you to enter first.

You gulped as you took a look at that room. It was the workshop where she made her dolls. The lack of light generated terrifying shadows on the ceiling. Hands, legs, heads... Limbs hanging from the ceiling that seemed to want to catch you. When light became, you calmed down a bit, but just a bit.

“So…” you said, clearing your throat. “This is where you work.”

She nodded, picking up what looked like a necklace from one of the tables, a necklace she left in your hand, closing it over.

“This is for you,” Donna said nervously, probably worried about pleasing you.

“I...” You said, looking at that small gift. It was a silver chain, from which hung a majestic wolf that seemed to be made of ceramic. “It is, it is beautiful.”

“Your last name, Lupu, is a derivative of the Latin lupus, which means wolf...” The lady explained, going around you to help you place the necklace on its place. “I thought it was appropriate.”

“Donna, I... Thank you very much,” you sighed, taking that wolf in your hands. Fear took a backseat. At that moment what you felt was love, pure love.

“Everything just for my precious girl...” Donna whispered, turning you to kiss your lips softly.

“Wait,” you said amused, putting a hand on her chest. “This isn't so I can give you the recipe for my cupcakes, is it?” You asked amused.

She sighed in amusement, shaking her head and burying her head in your neck, kissing it quickly.

“Of course not, tesoro... But hey... If you want to give it to me...” She said amused, biting her lip and diverting her eye from yours.

“No way. If I do it, you will make them better than me,”  you joked, being grateful for that small moment without tremors, without fear preventing you from enjoying that love.

Unfortunately, fate was not kind to you. One of the half-finished dolls, which was resting next to her companions on a nearby shelf, decided to fall against the stone floor, causing you a strong start that made you about to jump into the arms of your beloved.

“Ah!” You screamed in terror, putting your lover as a shield in front of you.

“Calm down, (Y/N),” Donna said, looking for the source of the noise. “It's just a doll that has fallen.”

You peeked over her shoulder, proving that she was right, but that didn't make it any less scary.

“Oh, well, I wasn't that scared,” you said arrogantly, putting a hand on your chest while Donna picked up the doll from the floor. It wasn't the best time to lie. Your actions spoke for themselves.

“Bad doll, you scared (Y/N),” Donna said amused, pretending to talk to that disturbing doll.

“It hasn't scared me. It was just the noise,” you said in your defense as the lady in black approached you with the porcelain object in her arms.

“I'm sorry, (Y/N), I'm very clumsy, I didn't mean to scare you,” the lady said, imitating the doll's voice, showing off her impressive ventriloquism. “I'm not scary, you see? Seriously, do you see? Because I don't, I don’t have eyes.”

That attempt by Donna to make you laugh worked perfectly. She was like that. Even if she believed your words, she always tried to make you feel better. And she got it, she always got it.

“You don't scare me,” you said with a tender smile, pushing Donna gently by her shoulder for that joke.

“Are you staying for dinner?” The lady in black asked, placing that terrifying doll on the shelf again.

“I... Sure,” you said almost without thinking.

It was a plan that you wanted, and the one that you always accepted but... But returning home through that forest at night... That was the worst part. Even so, you always made an effort, even if you died of fear trying to return.

Despite everything, dinner was as always. Romantic, silent. The conversation was calm, without surprises. Even Angie seemed to take a pity on you, which you were grateful for.

After dinner something happened that didn't usually happen. A dance, a romantic one. Your bodies moved to the rhythm of the music; stuck, silent, innocent, in love...

When the music stopped, the slow kisses came, the caresses on the face, on the body. The demonstration of the love you felt.

“I could be kissing you forever...” Donna whispered in your ear, swaying your body as if the music were still playing. “I love you.”

It was the first time she had said it and you had to reciprocate, of course you would.

“I love you too, Donna,” you said, hugging her, feeling the warmth of her hug, an affectionate and tender hug, because of which you even dared to close your eyes.

“I... I, I would like to ask you something,” Donna said, separating herself a bit, nervous, agitated. It wasn't the time for a crisis, but something told you that what she was going to propose to you was something serious.

“Yeah?” You said softly, imagining in your mind a wide range of possibilities, each one the better.

“Yes, I know it's early and... Well, I know that...” She stammered, squeezing your hands tightly, hands that you caressed to reassure her. Now it was your turn to be her comforter.

“Tell me, Donna...” You whispered, encouraging her to speak.

“The time I spend with you is... Wonderful and... Well, I... It hurts me so much to see you walk out the door, I keep thinking about when I can kiss you again and... Well, what I want to say is that maybe you would like...”

Before she could finish that proposition, which you were already prepared to accept, a flash of light illuminated the entire room, followed by a horrible clap of thunder that bounced off the walls of the old house.

“Ah!” You screamed, clinging to the woman in black, who took you into her arms.

But everything was even worse, because, after another lightning strike, the house went completely dark.

“Don't worry, tesoro... It's just a storm,” Donna said, reassuring you, stroking your head, which was clinging to her chest.

“A storm?” You asked with a trembling voice, moving away a bit, embarrassed.

“Well, it's Spring, it's normal, can you hear it? It's already raining,” Donna said, not letting you go.

You, forcing your courage, stopped hugging her, looking for any source of light in the house.

“The fuse must have been blown,” Donna muttered, moving away from you and looking for something in a drawer. “Stay here, I'll see if I can change it.”

“Are you, are you going to leave me here?” You asked scared when the lady in black lit a small candle holder, taking one of them.

“Are you afraid?” She asked kindly. A direct question, right where you were weak. You had no choice, you had to lie.

“No, no,” you said hastily, approaching the candlelight. “It's just… Well, maybe you need some help,” you said with feigned confidence.

Donna looked at you, smiled and shook her head.

“I appreciate it, tesoro, but it's not necessary. You don't know the house and you might stumble. Stay here with Angie. I'll be right back,” she said, kissing you on the lips and disappearing into the shadows.

You, sighing, containing the tremor of your body, sat on a sit near the table, near the glow of the candles, near the security that the light provided you.

“Okay, okay. It's just a storm, it's just...” Your cowardly murmurs were silenced by a flash of lightning and another clap of thunder, this time louder. You had to stop yourself from hiding under the table.

“What are you murmuring, silly?” Angie asked, appearing by surprise on top of the table.

“Nothing,” you said passively, looking away from the puppet.

“This is good, right?” She crooned, sitting on the edge. “Come on, come on, let's tell scary stories,” she said animatedly. To shake your head didn't take you a second.

“No,” you said firmly, suppressing the trembling of your legs.

“Okay, I'll start,” Angie said, completely ignoring you.

“Haven’t you heard me?”

“Then the two of them, brother and sister, went up the stairs to the old attic. It was a stormy night and the lightning illuminated their ghostly faces...” The doll started, making you want to not hear anything or run away.

“Angie, stop,” you said, in a tone that betrayed your fear.

“Someone said there was a ghost up there, the sister said, opening the attic door, illuminated by the storm,” the doll spoke with a dark voice. “Then they looked inside and…”

“And?” You asked scared, tightening the fabric of your dress, moistening it with the sweat of your hands.

“Nothing, there was nothing... Only darkness. The sister seemed confused, she was sure that the footsteps she heard at night came from up there. The boy turned slowly, blowing out the candle. A flash of lightning illuminated his pale, smiling face. The clock had just announced midnight. What are you doing? She asked. The brother approached in silence, whispering a few words in her ear...”

“Enough,” you said with a broken voice, seeing smiling faces on the walls of the house.

“Do you know what he told her? There is no ghost up here…. I’m the ghost!” Angie screeched, bringing her face abruptly closer to you, making it look much scarier in the candlelight.

“Yiahhh!” You screamed, on the verge of a heart attack, falling back in the chair and crashing against the wooden floor.

Just then, the light returned to the house and next to it, the sound of heels running towards you.

“(Y/N), my love, are you okay?” Donna said, bending down to help you up while the Angie doll laughed out loud.

“Damn it,” you growled, letting yourself be helped and rubbing your back.

“Angie, what have you done to her?” Donna asked, brushing the dust off your dress. The doll cowardly fled, still laughing.

“Nothing, nothing, it doesn't matter,” you said, trying to regain your calm, something that seemed impossible, since the old clock in the hall announced midnight. “Ah, shit! Damn…”

“Don't worry, honey,” Donna said, confused, glaring at Angie, who was hiding behind an armchair. “It’s just the clock”

“Yes, I… Yes…” You stammered, running a hand over your sweaty forehead.

“Midnight, Cinderella, go home,” the doll squealed, still not daring to show her face.

“Yes, I...  I'd better go,” you said, getting up from the chair. At least you would suffer all the fears at once.

“Wait. It's raining a lot,” Donna said, gently grabbing your wrist. “You, you should stay the night.”

“The night?” You asked, letting the fear go away for a moment. At least that kind of fear.

“Yes, I... Well...”

“With you?” You asked again, with a light illuminating your face.

-Yes, of course, I… Don't get me wrong, no, I don't mean... That... I just wouldn't want you to get sick,” Donna said bowing her head, shy.

“Oh, well, I…” you said, thinking about your options. You didn't even care that it was some kind of strategy of the woman in black to make love to you. She said that she would wait for you to be ready, as would as she herself. There was no rush, that wasn't her intention, you should know that.

“I don't mean anything, (Y/N), you can, you can stay in the guest room,” she said, afraid that she had hinted at something that she didn't really intend. Or so you thought.

“The guest room?” You asked, a shiver running down your spine. “Alone?”

“Yes, well, if you feel more comfortable...” Donna said, tucking a strand of hair behind your ear.

Before you could respond, another horrible flash of lightning, with its corresponding thunder, threw you back into your lover's arms.

“You know what? Not…. I…” You stammered, embarrassed for hiding your fear in her arms again. “I prefer, I prefer to sleep with you.”

“Are you sure?” She asked, looking for some sign of lying in your eyes.

You nodded.

Unfortunately, Donna's room was in that scary basement. The excitement of spending a night together was laced with fear, with dread, with that stupid Angie story clouding your thoughts.

After Donna lent you some clothes to sleep in, and left you alone so you could change as you pleased, you began to believe that you weren't so bad. At least there were no windows in that room, so the trees couldn't make horrible sinister faces on the wall.

“Are you comfortable?” Your girlfriend asked, yes, your girlfriend, getting into bed next to you. The sight of her hair free of its restraints made you forget your fear for a moment, even if it was just for a moment.

“You look beautiful with your hair down, Donna,” you said, letting the words flow freely through your mouth.

She smiled sheepishly at the compliment, and joined you under the covers. She kissed you slowly, an innocent goodnight kiss, but grateful, grateful to be able to share that night with you.

“Good night, my love...” She whispered in your ear, turning around to reach the light on the nightstand. Okay, you were starting to have problems.

“Wait, what are you going to do?” You asked startled, grabbing her arm so it wouldn't reach its destination.

“What? Well, I’m going to turn off the light, tesoro,” she explained innocently, frowning at your attitude and the tremors in your hands. “You are shaking, are you cold?”

“No, no, I... I'm fine,” you said, with that need to fake a bravery that you didn't have. “Good night, Donna.”

She shrugged and, after another quick kiss, turned off the light.

Your body was shaking. Time passed and you were unable to even close your eyes. The darkness of the room was overwhelming. You felt thousands of smiling faces watching you, waiting for you to get careless, for you to fall asleep so they could possess you.

“Damn it...” You whispered, hearing a creak coming from the floor above. The house was old, the wood creaked, it was normal. That was what your mind should tell you, but it didn't. It only imagined wandering souls that wanted to attack you.

In a gesture of childish cowardice, you raised the blankets until they completely covered your head, creating a fictitious shelter in which you were safe. Even that way you couldn't stop shaking.

The calm breathing of Donna, who had long been fast asleep, was not enough to silence the fear in your body. You snuggled closer to her, the blankets covering you completely.

“Please, day, come quickly...” You said to yourself, on the verge of a panic attack. Your lover's hot body turned around and her arm fell on your cowardly hidden body.

“Mm?” Donna murmured, sleepy, probably surprised by not touching your skin, but a blanket. “(Y/N)?”

You didn't respond until, after a few seconds, the light returned to illuminate the sinister room.

“What are you doing, tesoro?” Donna asked, discovering you, freeing you from your infallible protective shield.

“No, nothing,” you said embarrassed.

Your lover placed a hand on your forehead, looking at you worriedly.

“Oh, Black Gods, you're sweating...” She sighed, making you sit up. “Have you had a nightmare?”

“No... It's just... I'm hot,” you lied again. How funny, you hadn't even been able to sleep. Now you had a new fear, doing it and having nightmares. Brilliant

“You're very nervous, (Y/N)...” Donna said, caressing you reassuringly. “Wait a moment, I'm going to prepare a relaxing infusion for you, okay?”

“No, nothing's wrong with me... Come back, go back to bed,” you said, reaching out your hand towards her wrist so that her warm and protective body wouldn't abandon you.

“It’s just a moment. Whatever scared you, it's gone, honey. Let me help you,” she said, ignoring your poor excuses.

“I'm not scared!” You squealed nervously, causing her to suddenly turn her head towards you, opening her eyes wide.

“Okay, okay, (Y/N) But still, you have to calm down. I'll be right back," Donna said, disappearing from the room.

“Wait, don't leave me alone...” You murmured, in a tone so low that surely she didn't hear you.

Fortunately, it didn't take long for Donna to return.

“Here,” she said kindly, bringing you a steaming cup. “Drink it, it’s good for you.”

You nodded, sorry for your attitude, for the cowardice of admitting that you were a coward.

“I'm sorry for yelling at you,” you said, bringing the liquid to your lips. She shook her head, sitting on your side of the bed and stroking your hand.

“Don't worry,” she said, smiling tenderly. “Talk to me, tesoro, tell me what's happening to you.”

“I...” You said, noticing how your strength was disappearing, how that attitude of wanting to pretend what you weren't was beginning to kill you inside. “I‘m, I’m a coward, Donna.”

She didn't change her sympathetic expression.

“I... Despite being 23 years old, I still sleep with the light on. My sister Elena is sick of me because of that… Everything scares me, even my own shadow…”

“We are all afraid of something, you have nothing to be ashamed of,” she said whispering, controlling her tone of voice.

“It shouldn't be like that, I... I'm not a little girl anymore and... Nor, I can't even be calm in the light of day. Everything scares me, everything terrifies me.”

“Hey, come on, (Y/N). It's okay. You know I would never let anything happen to you,” Donna said, caressing your cheek.

“I know but... Damn, you must think that I'm a coward, that I don't deserve to be with you because I scare easily, because I'm still... I'm still childishly cowardly...” You said, looking down at the blanket, letting the liquid of that infusion will go down your throat.

“No, honey, don't say that. I don't love you less because you're afraid of darkness,” she said, wanting to make it clear to you quickly. “It’s normal to be afraid. There is no problem with it.”

“Are you afraid of something? I don’t think so. You've been walking around the house in the dark and you haven't even flinched,” you said in your defense, removing your hand from hers.

“Well, maybe, maybe I'm not afraid of the dark... But that doesn't mean there aren't things that scare me, you know?” Donna told you with a calm voice, with no sign that for any reason she lost her mind at your abrupt way of speaking.

“Oh, there are? What are you afraid of?” You asked with a bit of irony, leaving the cup on the table and crossing your arms.

“I'm afraid of losing you...” She whispered, without looking at your face. “Of being alone again.”

“What nonsense. I would never leave you, Donna,” you said, huffing and shaking your head.

“Is that nonsense? What about the monsters you imagine in the dark? Isn't that nonsense?” the lady said, with an amused smile. You went blank.

“I... Well, I... Oh, well, I can't contradict that logic of yours,” you said, sighing, tilting your head so that it rested on her chest.

She laughed, kissing your hair softly.

“You see? Fears can be rational or irrational. But we're all afraid of something, (Y/N). The important thing is to overcome it, and have someone by your side to help you. I have you, you have me.”

“Okay,” you said, letting a tear slide down your cheek. “Will you protect me?”

“Of course, tesoro. You'll see how together we can handle it,” she said, cradling you in her arms.

You felt better, safe in her arms, safe next to her. Fear and Angie's stupid stories had made you forget something important, something that was left half-finished.

“Hey, Donna,” you asked, moving away a bit. “Before the blackout… You wanted to ask me something.”

“Oh, yes, well, I...” Donna said, starting to get nervous “I just, I just wanted to know if...”

“If?”

“If you would like to live with me,” she said, lowering her gaze again, tightening her grip on your hand too much.

“Oh…”

“I know it's hasty but...” She said, interrupted by a surprise kiss on her lips, by your hands caressing her face, her scar, making your opinion clear.

“Yes, I want to live with you Donna, but promise me one thing.”

“Whatever you want,” she said excitedly.

“Promise me that your hugs will protect me from the darkness.”

[ouiouimochi]

Part 2 of the Abyss x reader that I wrote a while back.

Part 1 - Part 3

there won't be an mc(you) and abyss reunion just yet

inconsistent and unedited writing. kinda wrote in a rush to destress so it's gonna be short

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

synopsis: abyss unexpectedly finds himself a place at easton and becomes busy with magia lupus

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

abyss never would have thought that his parents would even send him to school, much less one as prestigious and famous as easton magic academy

although he never understood why, he more or less preferred being in school than live in the same household as his parents

even though there's only little differences to how he gets treated by his peers and his parents

but the worst thing his peers had ever done was talk bad about his cursed eye— not that it actually made the situation much better

at least he managed to get himself into a group that didn't make him feel too out of place

he also found himself admiring a male by the name of abel walker who he swore to serve in gratitude for looking past his evil eye and recruiting him into magia lupus

abyss forgot about meeting the eccentric lady from a few years back since he got busy with wanting to make himself useful to abel in making the goals of magia lupus a reality

the hallways were bustling with more life than usual and abel seemed to be curious what it was about

while walking a bit slower, abyss also tried to listen to the loud whispers but opted to focus his attention to the closest group of girls

“hey, did you hear?”

“are you talking about the new student joining our academy this late into the semester?”

“yeah, yeah. apparently they got in because of family connections”

“ehh… even that kind of thing can't be avoided in easton, huh?”

“well… do you actually know who it is?”

“i heard from someone that it's a girl”

“really? that sucks i was hoping for a cute guy”

“oh stop being delusional already”

“so continuing, she's apparently a double liner”

abel and abyss’ ears immediately noticed and they shared a look

another potential recruit

but before either of them could learn of the new student’s identity, the whispers significantly quieted down, taking notice of abel and abyss' presence

then the gossiping students hurriedly dispersed themselves without further wait

abel calls for abyss to recruit the new student and the masked male only nods in acknowledgement of the task

apparently everyone, even the other fangs, were tasked to try recruiting this new student

one would think it was an easy task with how quick word got around and how many members there were in magia lupus

but alas, none of them were successful in finding even finding out the identity of the new student aside from the information that they were female

none of the gossiping students seem to be spilling anything that could expose the new student's identity despite there being talks about the topic

like a magic spell had prevented anyone from speaking of it— or perhaps it was just a coincidence

some fangs also proposed that maybe the new student is from a very powerful family that anyone who spoke ill or exposed her identity could get in more than just trouble

love cute suggested that maybe news of a new student appearing was fake

at that, everyone also started thinking love’s statement made sense despite a huge percent of the student population buzzing with gossip about this new student

abel then called for the fangs to focus on other objectives instead while keeping an eye out for the new potential recruit

at that, the magia lupus meeting ended

“that's the report, my lady” a maid bows while finishing her report

you sighed at the information you received

“things haven't quieted down yet, huh?”

the maid, your attendant, only nods, dreading what you had schemed in that head of yours

you were due to present yourself in school a few days ago, but then you made a fuss about not wanting to go when the campus would be noisy

your reasoning was that it was bothersome to try and tolerate it

the attendant sighs internally, not even knowing what to expect from her lady anymore

it's pretty obvious this poor attendant should be given a well-deserved vacation at this point

all the while, you were coming up with plans to at the very least entertain yourself in a situation where you got forced by your family to attend easton

you might as well have fun, right?

[spiriteddreams]

when he realizes he loves you (part 3)

Characters: Cyno, Al-Haitham, Tighnari, Kamisato Ayato, Shikanoin Heizou Warnings: none A/N: tbh i think i've written some of my fav lines in these little blurbs so i hope you all enjoy!! Part 1, Part 2

cyno // lupus aureus just the title, “general mahamatra” is enough to instill fear into the hearts of the many scholars that study within the akademiya. he has a reputation, one that he gladly upholds, by upholding justice on the scales of justice. he is the weigher of souls and you are the eternal sun, two ends of the spectrum fated to meet in the middle through a clash of weapon and words. and yet when he takes off his head piece and runs his hand through tangled white hair, you are there waiting for him at the end of the day with open arms. you are featherlight touches and bubbling laughter, indulging in his terrible jokes with a fond smile. in the confines of your shared him, behind closed doors he finds his mask slipping as a triumphant and cocky grin crosses his features.

“you’re a cheater.” you scowl at him behind the cards you hide from his sight “there’s no way you’re winning this many times in a row. genius invokation tcg cards lay out on the table that separates the two of you and you have the urge to lunge over the table to pluck the card cyno’s been thumbing since the beginning of the match. he can’t help but grin and he opens his mouth to declare his ultimate victory but stops short when he takes in the expression on your face. there is discontent and irritation but no hint of malice. and when you meet his gaze he stops. how can someone, who dances in the sun with a vision at your side, every move precise and calculated, so in love with someone as dark and mysterious as him? he isn’t quite sure of the answer to his internal crisis just yet, so instead, he places down a card and claims victory. he decides he wants to kiss you silly when you let out a cry of defeat.

al-haitham // vultur volans he is a man with little free time on his hands, or so he claims. but on certain nights, one can find the grand scribe strolling through the streets of sumeru city with you holding onto his arm. he’s quiet, nodding along as you fill the open air with chatter. but unlike if he were listening to the pleads of other scholars, al-haitham is attentive to your every word, hanging onto them as if they might be the last he may ever hear. he hums in agreement, scoffs at your jokes, and smiles gently when you look over at him. he prefers to spend his days like this, away from the dull chatter of akademiya research as he listens to your stories of wonder.

“haitham, are you listening?” you stop walking outside of his home, body turning fully to face his. he would be lying if he said he was, having been distracted the last couple minutes in favour of tracing his eyes along your features in an attempt to memorize every little piece of you. he wants to ask how you have come to love him so, when rumours are cruel and sometimes his words even more so. but the words die on his tongue when you captivate him with that smile. the one so gentle and warm, paired with such understanding eyes that he wants to fall into your embrace and never let go. for once, the words refuse to come forth, so he rests his forehead against yours instead and seals unsaid words with a kiss.

tighnari // vulpes zerda the dangers of the avidya forest are very much real, sumeru isn’t a fairytale, as tighnari likes to say sarcastically after he helps another reckless adventurer who had found themself in trouble. he is curt with his words, straight to the point and daresay bland when he scolds others. but his words lose all edge when he’s with you. you are just as sharp as he is, bold where he is gentle, understanding where he is harsh, his perfect equal in all the ways he can think of. he hates to admit it, but he can feel his ears perk up when he hears your voice, his tail swishing slightly as he eagerly anticipates your entrance to his room. then—

“how many times have i told you to stop eating mushrooms!” ah yes, there it is. you look furious, but tighnari knows you really aren’t. despite your hands in the air and exasperation in your tone, he sees it immediately, the concern in your eyes. guilt creeps in his chest because he knows of the fears you have for him. he knows the risks he will take on a day to day basis, the same ones that you try to hide away but the expression on your face betrays it all. you care for him, tend for him, like the prettiest padisarah and he bends to your touch, relishing in the warmth of your hands and eyes until finally, you let him off with a scold and a kiss to his knuckles. 

kamisato ayato // cypressus custos the yashiro commissioner is a busy man. there are tasks to be delegated, papers to be signed, and meetings to be held. his days are often spent sitting at his desk, hand cramping and mind wandering as he risks a quick glance towards the open doors. this is the inazuma he has fought for, for so long, and he refuses to let anything crumble while he remains commissioner. still, he wants to apologize for the time spent away from you, locked up in his office while you tend to other tasks around inazuma. he feels like he has a silly crush on you with the way he watches from a distance, only to have you to himself in those quiet moments shrouded beneath the moonlit sheets.

“i brought boba.” you stand in the doorway and ayato swears you are his saviour. you take in his tired eyes and drooping shoulders, and yet he still has such a warm smile on painted across his features. he beckons you to sit by him and it’s then that the facade drops and his weight rests against yours. your arms wrap around him as he relishes in the comfort that only you can provide. he wishes he could pause this moment and let the world fade away as your bodies press together and your hand cards through his hair. your caress is soft, but the kiss you leave to linger on his head is even more so, and ayato makes a mental note to try to clear his schedule the next day to spend it all with you instead.

shikanoin heizou // cervus minor he has been called many a thing by the people of inazuma: a genius detective, a caring friend, an absolute troublemaker. the last being a courtesy of kujou sara, of course. he's all flirtatious jokes and bright smiles when he walks around inazuma, hunting down the next clue to his investigation. he's never really cared about the names he's been given, in fact, he takes pride over them all, relishing in the reputation he's accumulated. but his favourite title of all is the one that only you hold for him. he adores the way it sounds falling from your lips, followed by that bright grin that always greets him. he doesn't think he'll ever tire of that word, not when it's associated with you.

"you insufferable idiot!" the door to his office slams open but heizou's not startled in the slightest. he could hear your footsteps storming through the hallway, distinct as always, a habit he's picked up after months of indulging in your visits to his office. his signature grin stretches across his face, the corners of his eyes crinkling with delight. you’re quite adorable, he thinks to himself, and while he isn’t quite sure which prank you’re upset over, he knows you mean well. he can see it in your eyes, the way they light up at the sight of him, just as he knows his do the same. he’ll toy with you for a moment, indulge in teasing before offering an apology in the form of loving touches and kisses, relishing in such an exciting yet comforting love that only you can offer.

reblogs and comments are greatly appreciated! <3

[sydcarmyfan]

Red, Black and White Colors: Are these signs of what’s to come?

The colors worn by The Bear cast may have hidden clues to what’s to come in s3. Walk with me.

Someone on here pointed out that at least one cast member is wearing red at each event, so it got me to thinking... At the globes, Ayo wore red. At the Emmy’s and Critics Choice awards , Abby wore red. Ayo, Jeremy and Matty wore white and black colors. Red symbolizes danger, black symbolizes mourning, and white symbolizes rebirth and innocence. It is important to keep in mind on who is wearing what. It could all be a coincidence, but here are my thoughts:

Abby and Ayo in Red:

I think Ayo and Abby’s characters lives will be in danger. It has been implied that Syd may have lupus. It has been implied that Nat may have preeclampsia. One or both women may face dangers to their health in s3.

Liza, Edwin and The Bear Cast wearing Black:

Marcus, Tina , Ebra and the rest of the crew will be in mourning. I don’t think Marcus’ mom will die in s3, but I see something major happening and this will have a significant impact on the whole crew’s morale.

Ayo, Jeremy and Matty wearing Black and White:

After a health scare and mourning, there will be a wedding, but I don’t think it’s Tiff and Frank’s wedding. I think Fak will be getting married to Kelly in a shotgun wedding. See this post on why I think Kelly and Fak will be getting married in s3.

It can all be a coincidence and I’m delulu, but there is a show that I watch regularly and during the awards season last year, the cast of that show wore outfits with clues on what was to come. 6 months after the awards season, the little clues during the awards season made so much sense, so I think The Bear cast are leaving us little clues of what’s to come in s3.

In conclusion, the start of s3 will be hard, but the ending will be delicious.

[kharia-adarkim]

Freedom

Fordola sighed as the telltale crimson hue of sunset crept into the prison halls. Pulling a stone from beneath her cot, she scraped another line into the wall. Five days since her last visit. Fordola sighed. The Warrior of Light's visits had become her one comfort in the prison cell. Each day for over a month since the Lakshmi incident, the two of them talked - about their childhoods, about recent news, about Kharia's forays into somanoutics. Sometimes their conversations had no words at all, and the two simply sat in each others' presence, sharing their feelings through the Echo. Kharia had been teaching her to control this power, to prevent her from being overwhelmed by it, and for that Fordola was grateful - being able to shut out the guards' contempt for her made the stay more tolerable. But like everything else, Fordola reasoned, even that bit of peace had to end. She sighed and laid on her cot, waiting for sleep to take her.

The vivid clank of keys echoing down the hall caused Fordola to lift her head, stirring from her near-rest. Her hopes faded as she heard the shuffle of four - no, five - pairs of feet proceed down the hallway. The footsteps were heavy, and carried the telltale jingle of mail. She silently cursed herself for getting her hopes up. Of course the slayer of Zenos had moved on. She was a fool for getting accustomed to the silver lining to this monotony.

"Fordola rem Lupus," a man declared to the bars of her cell. She looked up in confusion. It sounded like...

"Raubahn?" she sneered, "what're you wasting your time on me for? Finally time to let the mob have their way?"

"Many in the city have called for your head," Lyse replied.

"Indeed. But if we're to build a new Ala Migho founded on justice, we must resist the siren song of revenge," Raubahn continued. "Lyse, myself, and many others have spent many long nights discussing your sentence. Your crimes against the people of Ala Migho are many, and-"

"Oh stuff it," Fordola interrupted, "I've lost track of the days I've spent in this cell, and my only visitor's gone without a trace. Put me out of my bloody misery already." She glared at each of them in turn - Raubahn, M'naago, Lyse... As she locked eyes with the girl, Fordola's resonance flared, and she felt... smugness? Amusement? Was she enjoying Fordola's torment? "Well?!" she shouted. "Out with it! You're here to sentence me to death, is that it?!"

"No Fordola," Raubahn answered. "That may have been in the cards at one point, but you saved a great many lives from Lakshmi. It wouldn't be right to repay that kindness with death. Your sentence is not execution, but exile." Fordola stood silent in a mix of relief and confusion. Raubahn continued his speech. "We've someone waiting outside to escort you out of the city. Barring express invitation of the government of Ala Migho, beginning sunrise tomorrow, you are not to set foot upon her soil, nor will her laws protect you from those to whom this verdict may seem unsatisfactory." He nodded to one of the guards, who unlocked the door to her cell. Fordola simply stood in place, trying to reconcile her emotions. She'd spent her whole life fighting for a better future in Ala Migho, and upon Zenos's death, resigned herself to her own impending demise. What relief she may have felt on learning she was to live was soured by the knowledge that she had naught left to live for. Eventually, she shuffled from her cell with some prodding from the guard.

"Just so you know," M'naago hissed from behind as they began their walk to the surface, "I was against this. But you had someone unbearably persuasive in your corner. You owe her." Fordola's brow furrowed in confusion. A few minutes later, the vanguard opened the rear door of the prison, and Fordola and the others filed outside.

"Are one of you two my escort?" she asked the guards of their entourage, who ignored her as they unlocked her shackles. Fordola rubbed her sore wrists.

"No, that'd be me," a voice replied from nearby. Fordola looked to the source, and saw a small, bespectacled auri woman in an emerald gown. The woman kept a level gaze with her for a few moments before cracking a grin. "I told you I was going to get you out of that prison," Kharia smiled sadly. "I'm... sorry, that this is how it played out. I know how much Ala Migho means to you. But several of the officials involved were adamant that letting you free to roam the city would undermine trust in the new government. I hope you can forgive me." Kharia placed a hand on Fordola's shoulder. Though the woman's face was stoic, Kharia could feel the conflicted feelings poring over her through the echo. Knowing she'd never crack, especially in front of the likes of Lyse and Raubahn, Kharia pulled her into an embrace and whispered into her ear, "Let's get you home. A new home. With me." Fordola was quiet a moment.

"Fine," she answered softly, "let's get out of here." Kharia wiped the precious few tears from Fordola's face and waved to the Ala Mighans assembled.

"We'll be out of your hair now. Thank you." Kharia said to the others. M'naago rolled her eyes.

"It's not as if we could refuse a request from the one who freed our nation from the grip of the empire," Raubahn chuckled. "Safe travels."

"Have fun," M'naago growled, "I hope I never see you again."

"Mutual," Fordola answered, grabbing Kharia's wrist. "Let's get out of here."

[becoming-persephone]

WHAT IT MEANS TO DIE.

I no longer fear death. I fear falling.

In June 2023 I was diagnosed with GBS triggered by Lupus which left me paralyzed. Trapped, a mind wandering a hollow vessel as my body attacked my nerves and my muscles withered away. I couldn't speak, eat, or even lift a finger. I was buried alive.

I went from being a yogini and hiker to laying in a hospital bed with my family having to suction my salvia as I watched Housewives on Bravo. My 3 1/2 months in the hospital, in and out of the ICU, was an experience equivalent to walking the depths of hell.

I remember the day before I was rushed to the ICU for only having 1/2 of 1 lung working, three crows visited my window. The fates coming to collect, my mother saw it as an omen, I saw it as a welcoming. I traveled for months in the underworld, burning away my old self with a fever that created an inferno underneath my flesh.

Tears couldn't extinguish the anguish, for it was a death that needed to occur in order for me to heal. Hand in hand with Persephone, I looked at the destruction of my life and began to till the soil. Doubts and fear in hand, I dug up my old roots. I knew deep down that I would never be the same, that the girl everyone knew before was gone, disintegrated in the ashes of yesterday.

Coming home from the hospital was like walking into someone else life and feeling out of place. I was a stranger to the past. You know it's all your stuff but none of it feels like you anymore. Everything became a reminder that I died and I didn't know who the old me was anymore, memories that I had no desire in resurrecting.

4 months in rehabilitation was a mountainous climb that felt never ending. Even Hekate and Persephone couldn't keep the demons away, the parasitic thoughts that latched on anytime I fell, or couldn't lift a tissue from a tissue box. But I was able to take those acidic shadows as reminders that strength is born in the struggle. With every breakdown there was a breakthrough.

From my journey to the underworld and back, I learned that in the darkness the divine resides. We are born from that darkness and it is in that darkness we will lay to rest. Till then, I gaze upon my shadow with pride, for it is a reminder of where I've been and where I'm heading.

_

Current Updates: December 2023 was the last time I was in my wheelchair, February 2024 was the last time I used my platform walker, and June 2023 was the first time I climbed a mountain since getting sick.

[lupusbaby]

TW: Maybe medical trauma? And lots of self hatred

My rheumatologist made me feel terrible the other day, maybe because she just didn’t tell me what I wanted to hear- I don’t know.

I told her I was going to have to withdraw from nursing school. She’s an NP and we’ve been talking all along about nursing. She was so strong with me about not leaving school, saying that I would have no self esteem because I hadn’t accomplished anything.

She said there was no reason my legs should be as they are, and that she was really concerned about the fact that I need forearm crutches at all. It made me feel so stupid for even bringing them in.

She was pushing so hard that I shouldn’t leave school, and then made a big point that I would never get disability for my lupus because I’m on the best medication and it’s well managed. I understand that, but why do I feel terrible and painful and why can’t I walk for long without support?

She kept saying I can’t just do nothing, which I know. And then she kept saying things like “no one feels good in nursing school”, “if nursing is too hard just admit that and choose something else”. And I know nurses have this like,, ‘stronger than anyone else’ idea because nursing and its schooling are insanely difficult (I know because I’ve been doing it). But I was one of the top in my class and that was not the reason at all. Like she kept implying it was just too hard for me (unrelated to my physical illness), and if that’s the case that’s okay, in this placating tone.

And then she went on to talk about me needing therapy and to work on my anxiety, and was kind of implying that my anxiety was causing my remaining symptoms.

Obviously all of that made me feel like a worthless piece of shit. I’ve been not taking my pain meds because I’m not even sure if I’m making it all up at this point, or like making myself have psychosomatic symptoms because I’m thinking too much about it.

I feel like I want to just stop all my meds and see what happens because I feel nothing and I’m over all of this. I withdrew from my nursing classes (trying to stay in my bio class), and now I get to see all of my classmates and friends move on without me while I’m back here.

I don’t know why my life has to be so fucking hard all the time. I’ve just had obstacle after obstacle and trauma after trauma and I always end up back here accomplishing nothing. I’ve tried college like,, 4 times now and failed to follow through every time (before because of my mental health and now because of my physical, which might not even be real so who knows).

Now I’m a design school + occupational therapy school + nursing school drop-out with a maybe made-up illness that pretends I’m okay to everyone because I’m just “hanging in there!”

[all-pacas]

DIAGNOSTIC OLYMPICS, SEASON 1, EPISODES 5-15

part one

Hi! I was curious about who on House (besides House) gets the most diagnoses right. Other folks have already run a tally (it's Chase), but I was curious how other factors would influence the tally — whose ideas get run with, who manages treatment, who screws up… So I thought I'd keep score.

1 point for getting the answer. This is almost always going to be House.

.5 points for Valuable Contribution — stuff that isn't the final answer, but either is thought to be the final answer or is valuable to the solving of the case. Stuff like "noticing something on the MRI" doesn't count; things like "figuring out how to treat" does.

-.5 to -1 for Mistakes — stuff that delays or prevents diagnoses, injuring or killing patients, etc.

FIDELITY

DIAGNOSES: African Sleeping Sickness

+1 House: Figures it out very early, the trick is proving it, which takes significantly longer. +.5 Foreman: When at first it looks like sleeping sickness is impossible, he comes up with a strong secondary theory and gets House Praise GO-GETTER AWARD: This is the third time Cameron has brought House a case, and in just a couple episodes she'll bump that up to four. PROBABLY A COINCIDENCE AWARD: Chase immediately guesses parasites based on the idea that "maybe she was lying about never leaving the US." This is the second time in three episodes his first offhand guess ends up being right.

POISON

DIAGNOSES: Pesticide Poisoning

+1 Team: This is another episode where they basically know what's happening immediately, the trick is proving it/figuring out how to treat it. +.5 Cameron: Successfully bullies the mother after she shoots down everyone else. House and Chase had to trick her in the end anyway, but credit where it's due. -5 COOL POINTS: When the patient is seizing, the subtitles have Chase saying "stay calm." The words that actually come out of his mouth are "stay cool, mate."

DNR

DIAGNOSES: Bad Arteries

+1 Team: Another episode where no one person has a big breakthrough; they only catch the cause of the patient's paralysis on a scan. +.5 House: His determination that something is wrong and should be addressed leads to the patient not only being able to walk, but still being alive. Legally shady, medically good. +.5 Cameron: Suggests a stroke early on, and a scan does find a clot. It doesn't end up being the problem, just a symptom, but good call. +0 Foreman: His first time running a case and it really doesn't go well. He keeps following House's orders and doubting himself, lies about treatment, and is generally wishy-washy. He didn't make any mistakes (because he didn't make any calls), but not a good showing.

HISTORIES

DIAGNOSES: Rabies

+1 House: Figures out the patient has rabies. -.5 Foreman: Makes a number of mistakes, from refusing to take any of the patient's symptoms seriously to wanting to discharge her to almost giving her an MRI with a metal pin in her arm. I was going to give him a full point demerit, but he does accurately guess she gave herself the insulin OD intentionally, and once he gets over himself and realizes he fucked up he works really hard to help the patient.

DETOX

DIAGNOSES: Termite poisoning

+1 House: Figures it out while actively suffering drug withdrawal. +.5 Chase: The patient's eye gets a clot and goes blind, but he's on blood thinners and they can't operate. House is willing to just let the eye be blinded, but Chase figures out a creative way to remove the clot and save the eye. +0 Cameron: Suggests lupus and gets really, really stuck on it, but still goes along with all of House's ideas. They do eventually treat for lupus when House runs out of other ideas, but he's clear he doesn't think it's a good one. +5 MEME AWARD: First time lupus comes up on the show!

SPORTS MEDICINE

DIAGNOSES: Cadmium poisoning

+1 House: Takes him a while, because at first they dismissed environmental causes, but when the patient's wife shows a symptom he figures it out in three seconds. +.5 Chase: Initially suggests Addison's, which House likes and the team runs with. Later, is the first of the team to realize House thinks cadmium poisoning, and figures out the source. +10 FRIENDSHIP POINTS: The first time in the series the fellows hang out outside work, we see them getting drinks at one point and dinner with a drug rep at another.

CURSED

DIAGNOSES: Anthrax and Leprosy

+1 House: He figures out that the patient and his father both have leprosy. He also figures out Rowan Chase has cancer, but we're not grading on that case. +.5 Cameron: The first to realize anthrax after House notices something wrong with the sample. +.5 Chase: He has like three merits and three demerits for this one. His early guess of mold causing pneumonia is a good one, and leads them to anthrax. He also bonds with the patient and gets a truer history from him. However, once his dad shows up, Chase spends the rest of the episode just trying to prove him wrong: first that the patient doesn't have sarcoidosis, then testing for every single auto-immune disease known to man because daddy thinks it is one. On the other hand, he also sticks to his guns on anthrax and is proven correct even after the team and House (and dad) dismiss it as a possibility. -1 Rowan Chase: Being a bad father aside, his guesses are plausible but all wrong. As Baby Chase points out, Daddy Chase is just guessing rheumatoid diseases because that's what he knows. THE REMY HADLEY AWARD: Chase manages to be so opaque and so resistant to House's manipulation attempts that House gives up entirely and just tries to have an honest conversation with him. 13 would be proud.

CONTROL

DIAGNOSES: Ipecac poisoning

+1 House: Figures it out, and advocates hard for his patient to have a heart transplant once he realizes she's sick because she's self harming. Ethically shaky, medically good. +.5 Cameron: Reads a self-help book and manages to get the guys to agree with all her ideas and run her tests. She continues to have good ideas through the case, even if she quickly gets on all their nerves. +0 Chase: hot take alert! He loses points for his fuck up early in the episode: he's too busy flirting to realize he scanned the wrong leg. Luckily for him, it had no bearing on the case, but it could have gone very badly. On the other hand: Going off a vague clue (that House was acting oddly), he also manages to figure out the ipecac poisoning and that the patient's illness was self inflicted. He then runs to Vogler (+50 Rat Points). Shitty move ethically, good diagnosing. I wouldn't give him the credit if he hadn't also been careful to wait to tattle after the transplant was done.

MOB RULES

DIAGNOSES: Beef allergy

+1 House: The episode is really much more about Vogler and Chase's ratting than the case. The patient has an unrelated symptom (high estrogen) that throws everyone off for a while, but once House finds the cause it's pretty quick and obvious.

RUNNING TALLY:

HOUSE: 11.5 TEAM: 3 FOREMAN: 1 CHASE: 2.5 CAMERON: 2.5

Cameron has the biggest jump, going from .5 to 2.5: she isn't making any big leaps, but unlike Chase and Foreman, she's consistently solid and not making any big mistakes either. Good for her!

[the-s1lly-corner]

Rescue in the night (Oc x Eyeless Jack)

raffle prize for @bunny-boi200 ! Hooray I hope you like this!! I had fun figuring out how I want to write Jack's dialogue!! oc belongs to the winner as well! prompt: Lupus is overwhelmed while trying to take out some campers in the woods, thankfully Jack was out to come to their rescue! Notes: Oc belongs to the tagged winner, short one shot, slender mansion timeline/au is teased at the end cws: canon typical violence and death word count: 1034

Lupus lay on the ground, dirt and blood caking the side of his face. His vision blurred as he tried to make out the figures in front of him. Before he could open his mouth to spit the blood filling his mouth, one of the campers kicked him in the face. White hot pain shot through his jaw, he swore he felt some teeth crack under the attack.

He’s thrown on his back, a boot slamming itself into his chest knocking what little air he had left in his lungs. “Get…” He tried to splutter out but it was no use, their attacker only dug their heel deeper into them. 

“Shut it, freak,” The camper on top of them hissed. “We saw what you did to our friend… you’re going to pay-” 

Their friend, killed not long prior by Lupus- a direct order from Slenderman to purge the woods of unwanted guests. He had been so careful to make sure to pick them off out of sight. 

“Get off-!” Lupus tried again, squirming under the weight. His hands scrambled and tugged at the ground around him in a desperate hope to find their weapon somewhere. The campers must have kicked it far out of reach while he was getting beaten. 

The next words miss their ears, the pain in their chest becoming unbearable as the boot is pressed even harder. 

Suddenly, relief. Followed by a mess of panic and swearing. 

Lupus remained on the ground, but from his position he could see a dark figure rush into the man who had pinned them just a second before. A growl too monstrous to belong to a human tore itself through the night air. Lupus finally lifts their head up from the dirt to catch the carnage. 

The shadow sank its teeth into the neck of the biggest camper. Garbled screams nearly drown out the muffled growls of the monster. Flesh tears wetly as the teeth pull away, and the beast uses all of its body weight to slam the man to the ground. 

In a moment it spun around to slash its claws at the second camper, cutting through their torso as if it had simply been wet paper. They fell back, clutching themselves as blood spilled into the dirt below. 

Lupus uselessly twitches his metal leg, the mechanics inside no doubtedly knocked all wrong. All they can do is watch as their savior sinks their claws into the torso of their first victim, before raking their claws down in a clean motion. 

In the moonlight, Lupus finally catches sight of the face- or rather mask- of the hooded figure. Blue faced, with black pits where the eyes should be. A black ooze mixes with the bright red blood splattered on the exposed mouth of the wearer. Sharp teeth glistened, and the air they huffed out was visible in the night. 

It was Jack.

Lupus can only offer a weak smile, one that Jack does not return as his head flicks to the second camper. He only shambles towards them… without much of a pause, he lifts his boot over the head of the pleading man… and brings it down.

Crunch.

A cry.

Another crunch.

The cries are silenced after the third stomp.

Jack lifts his head from the corpse, only making a half-hearted attempt to shake the brain matter off of his leg as he walks towards Lupus. His black tongue flicks over his teeth as bloodied hands pull the mask back into its proper position. 

He doesn’t ask Lupus if they’re okay, or how they got into this position. 

“Can you walk on your own?” Is all he asks as he lowers himself onto his haunches next to them. Lupus’ eyes darted to his snapped leg, wires exposed from under the cracked casing. He could hear Jack click his teeth. A clawed hand grabs his chin, turning it over to assess the damage done to his face. “Big man really rocked your shit, didn’t he?” Jack asked as he turned Lupus’ face from side to side. They were already beginning to bruise, but the smaller cuts on their skin were already caking with dry blood. Jack presses a thumb to a wound that was still bleeding, wiping some blood away when it refused to stop leaking. The claw settles pointed against the skin of Lupus’ cheek before finally pulling away once Jack was satisfied with his quick look over. The hand then slides to Lupus’ lower body; cold hand pressed to Lupus’ shattered leg, of which still carried a dull heat from all the running they had done to try to escape their pursuers. 

“I’m not sure if I can fix this,” He muttered as he moved his arm under the leg. He shifted to pull the other into his grasp. His other hand wrapped around Lupus’ back and gripped his arm. Jack grunted as he rose to his feet, and turned to the direction he had come back to.

“I can patch you up, but fixing your…” Jack pauses, claws tapping against the casings. “Your bits…” He hissed as he walked through the woods trying not to trip on holes and roots.

Lupus leans his head onto Jack’s shoulder. 

“Thank you, Jack.” They mumble as a finger curls around one of the strings of his jacket. They pull it, before releasing. They twirl, pull, and release a few more times until Jack breaks the silence. “It’s nothing.” Short, and forced enough to leave no room to try to make it into an issue. 

“I don’t want you trying anything like that again. If there’s multiple people you need to take out please just.. Ask someone to give you a hand. Hell, I’d be more than willing to step in… I might actually go back and harvest the meat… it’d be a waste not to.” 

Jack finally reaches the steps of the mansion. He shuffles awkwardly up the stairs and shimmies to force the door open. He grunts as he presses his back against the door to shut it. Lupus can practically feel Jack’s body bristle as his gaze settles on the stairs.

Getting to his room would be an entirely different beast…

[dragonpigeons]

Hey guys, I wrote two accounts of my time in hospital and after for anyone interested. The first is posted here. The second I will post separately.

Update: Link to Part 2 is here.

---------------

Account I.

Hospital & After: The Physical & Medical Aspects of My Recovery

CW: bodily fluids, blood, needles, minor injuries.

》 Written with Twitter format in mind, edited for Tumblr.

i.

My family and I, we lived a normal existence. My mother was healthy. My father enjoyed a laid-back life but was otherwise healthy. My brother had lactose intolerance but was otherwise fit and healthy.

I had lived a normal life for the past three decades. I was regarded as fit and healthy. I liked to be active. I went for walks often. I ate a balanced diet. I got over illnesses normally. I had no allergies.

The symptoms began 2-3 years ago. More worries started to accumulate. There were more things to consider, more to do, and more to take responsibility for. And, damningly, what seemed like less time to have to deal with them all.

Everything was piling up in me physically. My body was hoarding all the things I wasn't facing and running away from. My body began to suffer under the weight of it all.

My body was slowly dying.

In May ‘24, my ankles started swelling. It built up quickly over the month and reached up my legs and hips. I finally went to my GP. She saw how serious it was via blood & urine tests. My results were off the charts. I was sent to the hospital right away.

At the hospital, they saw my blood count dropping. I had to have a blood transfusion. It helped my bloods somewhat, but I was still building up fluid and wasn't passing much urine. There was still something wrong with my body. I was still unwell.

They did more blood tests and found an antibody reading, which was also off the charts. The doctors told me I had SLE lupus nephritis. My own body was attacking my kidneys, which meant I couldn't pass urine and get rid of the fluid retention.

ii.

I was given a number of injections and IVs over the next few days. A boost to my low WBCs and neutrophils, prophylactic antibiotics, insulin to lower my potassium level, glucose to keep my blood sugars up, steroids to stabilise the lupus and stop the levels from rising higher.

Soon after, they put me on daily steroids in tablet form, along with a bunch of other pills - antibiotics, antifungal, antirheumatic, minerals, diuretics. They seemed to help keep my body stabilised. Though I did start getting side effects and symptoms.

I had insomnia and woke up often in the night. I also began having strange dreams. They felt like everything was submerged underwater. I couldn't understand what people were saying or doing. Also, my bowels were acting up, and I had to go to the toilet often.

All the while, my swelling continued to increase. I had to wait a few days to be transferred to another hospital. It became more difficult to stand and walk day by day. It was like moving with a bunch of clay wrapped around my feet and legs.

The only people I ended up talking to on a daily basis were my mother, who came to visit me every day with home cooked meals, and my brother via DMs. Everything just got too much, too fast. I had to make a lot of life-critical decisions in a short span of time.

Despite all that, I did find myself with time to think. I found myself thinking how crazy it was that my own body would choose to attack itself. I also found myself accepting that it did and what it meant.

Lupus was here to stay. Lupus would be my companion for life.

iii.

In the meantime, my kidney function dropped to 10%. I had a kidney biopsy done. The results were on the lighter side. There was no scarring but a lot of inflammation. The glomeruli were damaged quite severely, but they would be able to recover. My kidneys could heal.

Something interesting happened during all of this mayhem. I had small swollen lymph nodes for the past two years, which finally went away after the first antibiotic and steroid IVs. It was like the trash had been taken out. I felt I could think clearly for the first time in years.

One of the things I realised was that for nearly all my life, I had been caught up in the most trivial of things. Am I being ignored? Did I do something wrong? Do people even like my art? Does anyone actually like me?

I had used my energy on the wrong things. I came to realise, within the four white walls of my minimally-furnished ward room with a crappy plastic bed to sleep on, the more important things in life. Family. Friends. Community. Network.

The doctors proceeded to the next phase of my treatment. Though lupus had been stabilised by the steroids, my immune system needed to be suppressed in order to lower the levels.

Cyclophosphamide is a chemotherapy drug and, at standard doses, is the standard used to treat lupus patients. They explained the procedure and the risks. The first main risk was hemorrhagic cystitis. The second was infertility.

Since I didn't want children, it was a simpler decision for me to make. I had my first dose of the drug the next day. I didn't feel anything. The doctors told me it would kick in after 7-10 days.

Throughout the days, they continued to poke me like a pin cushion, checking my daily blood levels. My arms and hands were covered in bruises by the end. Some nurses were better than others. One had a shaky hand. I bled and bruised with them the most.

On my last day, the trend in my blood results showed improvement. My kidney function went from 10 to 14%. I was discharged that afternoon and waited for my meds. I chatted with an elderly man. I had chocolate biscuits. I was content.

iv.

My father picked me up and drove me back home. I took my first step out of the hospital after two weeks. Though it was summer, the weather greeted me with a cool, cloudy ambience. I opened my arms and welcomed it. I breathed in the fresh air. I smiled.

I was happy to be back in a comfortable bed and in the company of my family again. The environment was much better, more peaceful. I wasn't disturbed at odd hours of the night by nurses checking my vitals or giving me meds to eat.

My troubles weren't exactly over yet. I continued to have heart palpitations, and my swelling continued to increase over the next two days. I got worried that I would no longer be able to move. I feared I would have to be bed bound.

On the third day of being home, I finally felt myself getting lighter. I was passing more urine and going to the toilet more often. I gained 20kg+ since the start of the swelling. I went from 70+ down to 67 by day five.

On day six, things hit me like a truck. The chemotherapy drug had kicked in. My heart palpitations were hard and numerous. I grew exhausted. Even getting up to go to the toilet took so much out of me. I was down for the count for the following days.

I had to think about how to spend my energy each day. I prioritised eating, resting and going to the toilet. If I had an appointment, I'd try to prepare the day before. There were periods where I'd have more energy, and I'd make use of those.

Eventually, it did get easier as I learned how to manage my symptoms. Eat well, but don't overeat to reduce my palpitations. Eat fibre to keep the bowels moving. Drink fluids to keep hydrated. Rest often to conserve my energy.

v.

Since then, I've been getting better as the days go. It's been a rough and bumpy ride throughout. My symptoms and needs seem to change by the day. I have to adjust through trial and error.

Sometimes I get it wrong. Sometimes I get it right. Often, there's conflicting info on the Web. I have to take it all with a grain of salt (which is almost literally all I can have with my kidney injury) and find what works for me. I've learnt a lot. There's still more to learn.

Every day brings something new. I still get scared when something unwanted or unexpected happens. I still panic and rush to resolve the problem as if a meteor is about to hit the planet. I'm learning to just stop and do nothing. Calm myself. Observe.

I'm a high-strung person who tends to jump to the worst conclusions. I believe that with enough discipline and focus, I can change this for the better. It will take patience. It will take time. Something I thought I didn't have enough of. Now I know that I do.

There is time for everything. I just have to make it by cutting out the unnecessary and focusing on what truly matters.

Before, I squandered my time and energy. Now, I will spend them wisely as I recover and return to a new normality.

---

[jezawitha-z]

Ngayon ko lang na realize na napaka busy pala talaga ng month of March for me (weekends), dayoff well spent talaga.

3/9-10 • Zambales

3/16 • Arayat (Kape Sinukuan, Mini hike)

3/17 • Coffee date with hs bff

3/23-24 • Benguet - Mt. Ulap hike

3/25 • approved VL, visited my prev colleague (Lupus warrior)

3/30-31 • Attended 7th bday (private resort)

As an introvert, di ko alam paano ko na gain tong enough energy to go outside and to also meet new people. It takes a lot of courage, tho introvert ppl loves to socialize naman talaga. It's just at the end of each day, naddrain ang social battery and need to have alone time sa sarili to recharge.

During weekdays, nakakapag OT pa or minsan ginusguto ko nalang mag OT TY kapag wala naman ako gagawin sa boarding house. Okaya kapag natatapos naman agad workloads, morning walks lang muna at abangan ang sunrise.

Dinadala ko nalang din sa work yung book na bet ko basahin para kapag lunch break or free time/bago umuwi. Literal na uuwi nalang ako sa boarding house to sleep. They know me as someone na taong bahay lang before at masaya kapag may naccancel na lakad. Pero ngayon, feel ko kasi the more na mag stay ako sa boarding house, parang ang lungkot lalo na wala naman yung immediate family ko dito na mapuntahan kahit weekends lang.

Hinahayaan ko parin naman sarili ko minsan na maging malungkot, pero konting breakdown lang tapos smile ulit, laban ulit. Ang dami paring dahilan para maging masaya. Masaya parin naman gawin yung mga bagay bagay kahit mag isa.

Looking forward for this month of April! Chill chill nalang muna siguro, will look for good cafés na may nature vibes parin.

[cometrose]

i watched season 1 and caught up with season 2 of mashle in like a day and a half

blame bling bang bang born, that opening is so fucking catchy that i guilt-tripped myself into watching the anime because it didn't feel fair to stream without at least watching the first ep

i don't regret it this anime is like really fun im surprised

the casual eugenics??? everyone without magic is unworthy and deserves to die because it is unnatural and goes against the blessings of god?

you would think since lack of magic keeps finding its way into the gene pool and subsequent offspring these people would do more soul searching and question it!

I also think its really interesting how everyone suffers in the eugenics society, it is not just having magic, you have to have good magic otherwise you are just as worthless as the nonmages. You may hold yourself to a higher standard and think yourself superior but you are essentially still trash. Having magic isn't enough you have to be perfect all the time. Everyone suffers even the talented mages cause the slightest imperfection means you are lesser than dirt. You can't tell me this world is happy and blissful when anyone slightly out of the ordinary lives in fear of someone coming to strangle them in the night.

the story also acknowledges this there are tons of people who think they are superior to mash because they have magic even when they themselves are incredibly weak. like shoutout for commentary on racism and racial supremacy on how the weakest of people will act prideful and egotistical at the chance to walk over others.

i love mash, he's cute, i find his empty-headedness endearing i thought i would grow tired of his gimmick but I am pleasantly entertained. he's the realest guy ever

I ADORE LEMON SHE IS SO GOOD SHE IS SO PERFECT i love girls with a loose screw SHE IS SOOOOO GOOOD I LOVE YOU

finn has to be the straight man in a comedy anime and i mourn for him but he's cute as well

i forgive lance, i know i shouldn't but he's also kind of funny i'll ignore his siscon nature for my sake and his as well

dot surprised me like i was really expecting a crazy hot-headed incel weirdo but he's very respectful towards woman and for that you I rock with you! I also like how he plays the straight man role with finn like out of the boys in terms of self-awareness it goes mash > lance > dot > finn and thats neat

does mash have two dads...did that cop turn into his second father...

this is just ha*** po**** but that's okay im not mad

the magia lupus? yeah i cringed every time they came on screen I can't handle that blood purity speech at my age. I always remember reigen's (mp100) speech at the end of season 1. you're not special cause you have magic you're human just like everyone else here! GROW UP

speaking of them, they're kind of neat at least love, abyss and abel. they're cute im a sucker for rivals turned friends

rayne...i might have feelings for you

i was scared rayne was gonna be a dick when he appeared but he happily surprised me he is so sweet to mash thats great i love that and he's super cool and strong i respect that. I hope i see some brother moments with him and finn soon!!!

everyone has a specialty magic like is that innate? do they learn anything else or is their breed of magic just determined by their bloodline

i haven't even acknowledged cream puffs...thats okay too

i love how the main cast of friends is like "thank god im the only normal person here"

pretty good comedic timing i appreciate a healthy balance of humor and drama

i love how the cast moves to the beat of their own drum and i love teenagers rebelling against society! change da world my final message!