#venting as well but yeah

[truckfreaks]

i am turning 32 in a few days and i have thoughts about it

here's the thing yall. i'm so much happier just being an unhinged weirdo 100% of the time as opposed to making myself palatable and code switching and all of that bullshit. it's SO TIRING. you know what isn't, though? literally just not giving a fuck anymore and just. doing what makes sense in the moment.

that doesn't mean "live without consideration of others", or "live with no filter", or "be insufferable 24/7". like, there are still times where i need to be professional and shit. but what i mean is, instead of making myself smaller - it is so much better to just stick to my guns when you KNOW you know something, and to be honest but unapologetic when you don't.

stick up for yourself. if something feels wrong in your gut, say so. if something feels right, celebrate it. pursue the weird shit you aren't sure if you're gonna like or not. wasted time is time you spent saying "man i wish i did [insert new experience here] today" instead of actually just going out and doing the thing. man, my depression was SO bad for the last, whatever, three years - between being assaulted *again* and stalked and being a nurse at a research hospital throughout the roughest waves of covid, having to resuscitate my neighbors son literally like a week after moving into a new place... fuck, idk. it was just blow after blow after blow after blow and i just felt like, so super hollow.

I literally would come home, crawl in bed, shut off my phone, and talk to no one until I had to go back into work again. friends, family, didn't matter. I hid from EVERYONE and everything and tried to just muscle through it all by myself. and it was the fucking WORST. like, the darkest place I've ever been in, without question.

(real life human company brought me NO joy at all. opposite, even. i would just dread seeing or interacting with anybody at all. most of the time if i talked to anyone, it was to ?people? that weren't there. not like i was hallucinating, or delusional, i knew nobody was really there, i just. idk. it's hard to explain, but i guess if i had to give it a label ... maladaptive daydreaming?)

and now i'm at a place in my life where... yeah, i still have those days where i wake up feeling like "damn. i can't believe i have to probably keep doing this shit for another thirty to fifty goddamn years." not like, suicidal but just exhausted at the very concept of how long and arduous life is and how you just have to keep going for the sake of other people and how fucking *tiring* that is. but, i also have a lot of days where even though i feel terrible, i force myself to get up and do what i need to do no matter how i'm feeling, because if i didn't, i'd literally just sit in bed and say to myself, man, wish i had gone and done that thing today. and i guess that even if life is long and exhausting and tiring, i'd rather be exhausted for a good fucking reason.

so that's why it's so important to me these days to be all in on just pursuing ... idk. whatever seems worthwhile, even if it's hard. there's still this really unbearable, heavy sadness that i grapple with every fuckin day - but you know what makes the sadness a little duller? thinking that i did some good for someone else today, or that i made someone laugh, or feel good about themselves. and the other thing that helps is just allowing myself to feel good, even if other people don't "get" it. i will unabashedly declare my love for a fictional skeleton on main, or i will show up to the function wearing my hair like fucking Misa Amane, or i will talk to cool looking bugs i find on my walks to tell them they look pretty even if they don't know what the fuck I'm saying and I dont!!!! care anymore!!!!! doing these things make me happy! and you know what? i know, FOR A FACT, that being open and honest about how much these things make me happy... makes *other people happy too*. and also empowers them to be able to be more true to themselves!

and there's something else to that, too. the more i like myself and allow myself to be happy, the more self respect i gain - which means suddenly, taking up space in the world doesn't feel like something inherently bad or undeserved.

if you actually read through this fucking novel, thanks, but no hard feelings if you couldn't make it, lmao. i just needed a place to get all of this down.

[hinamie]

sympathy for cain

[inkskinned]

the thing is there's like, a point of oversaturation for everything, and it's why so many things get dropped after a few minutes. and we act like millennials or gen z kids "have short attention spans" but... that's not quite it. it's more like - we did like it. you just ruined it.

capitalism sees product A having moderate success, and then everything has to come out with their "own version" of product A (which is often exactly the same). and they dump extreme amounts of money and environmental waste into each horrible simulacrum they trot out each season.

now it's not just tiktokkers making videos; it's that instagram and even fucking tumblr both think you want live feeds and video-first programming. and it helps them, because videos are easier to sneak native ads into. the books coming out all have to have 78 buzzwords in them for SEO, or otherwise they don't get published. they are making a live-action remake of moana. i haven't googled it, but there's probably another marvel or starwars something coming out, no matter when you're reading this post.

and we are like "hi, this clone of project A completely misses the point of the original. it is soulless and colorless and miserable." and the company nods and says "yes totally. here is a different clone, but special." and we look at clone 2 and we say "nope, this one is still flat and bad, y'all" and they're like "no, totally, we hear you," and then they make another clone but this time it's, like, a joyless prequel. and by the time they've successfully rolled out "clone 89", the market is incredibly oversaturated, and the consumer is blamed because the company isn't turning a profit.

and like - take even something digital like the tumblr "live streaming" function i just mentioned. that has to take up server space and some amount of carbon footprint; just so this brokenass blue hellsite can roll out a feature that literally none of its userbase actually wants. the thing that's the kicker here: even something that doesn't have a physical production plant still impacts the environment.

and it all just feels like it's rolling out of control because like, you watch companies pour hundreds of thousands of dollars into a remake of a remake of something nobody wants anymore and you're like, not able to afford eggs anymore. and you tell the company that really what you want is a good story about survival and they say "okay so you mean a YA white protagonist has some kind of 'spicy' love triangle" and you're like - hey man i think you're misunderstanding the point of storytelling but they've already printed 76 versions of "city of blood and magic" and "queen of diamond rule" and spent literally millions of dollars on the movie "Candy Crush Killer: Coming to Eat You".

it's like being stuck in a room with a clown that keeps telling the same joke over and over but it's worse every time. and that would be fine but he keeps fucking charging you 6.99. and you keep being like "no, i know it made me laugh the first time, but that's because it was different and new" and the clown is just aggressively sitting there saying "well! plenty of people like my jokes! the reason you're bored of this is because maybe there's something wrong with you!"

[starscream-is-my-wife]

Sometimes a day makes you want a Starscream to bite and squeeze

[polyamorouspunk]

“Ugh this person I like already has a partner!”

“Why does that matter? You’re polyam.”

Idk how to explain this to you but like 90% of the population is not and of the 10% that are like half of them are cultists.

[lagomorphics]

be your own executioner

[teaboot]

Scooby-Doo villains had the right idea, I'm gonna start dressing up in elaborate costumes to scare off rich property investors and tourists and fucking landlords. My home town usesd to have almost no folks stuck on the street and now our whole downtown is a tent city. These people grew up here. You know who didn't? The retired millionaires renting out one bath no bed 80sq ft. broom closets for a grand and a half. Not to be all "get the fuck outta here" but damn go fuck up wherever you grew up, I gotta watch teenagers smoke crack now. Fuck

[xieliancore]

bleeding pain, a shattered heart,

that’s what makes a work of art

[floofanflurr]

I! Am so tired of the infantilization of Papyrus. I'm so tired of the infantilization of autistic people, and autistic traits. I thought we were past this in this fandom... but NOPE.

I am absolutely NOT going to name any names, (especially because I don't think ANY of this is intentional!!! I don't think people are doing it on purpose!!! And I don't want to hurt people. And also because it's SO many people now. I see it all the time from so many different places. It would be impossible to list them all.)

But??? I am getting increasingly uncomfortable with the casual ableism in Papyrus fans, bloggers, and writers who don't even realize that's what they're doing. People who say they are against the infantilization of Papyrus.

(Sticking the rest of this under a cut so I don't clog any feeds)

I just!!!! It's all well and good to have your headcanons about Papyrus! He's a really mysterious character that we don't know a lot about! I'm not denying that! But I see SO many people just… saying things like:

"Papyrus would NEVER do (insert autistic trait here) because he's an ADULT! CLEARLY it was a joke."

or

"People take him seriously or at face value when he does (insert autistic trait here) but he's not stupid???? Clearly it means something else-"

And so freaking many variations of that.

Just. Have your headcanons about what Papyrus means or doesn't mean. That's okay! If you think he's joking that's FINE! But PLEASE don't shit on other people and be so casually ableist by saying that he could never be these things, or that these things would mean he was stupid, or childlike if he ACTUALLY meant them or did them.

ITS LIKE. Taking the initial infantilization of Papyrus in fandom and spinning it on it's head so far it goes right back into infantilizing autistic people by just. REMOVING PAPYRUS'S AUTISITC TRAITS AFTER LABELING THEM STUPID OR CHILDLIKE.

"You're infantilizing Papyrus! CLEARLY he could never actually MEAN these things or do those things for real because he's an adult-" AND LIKE. BABE. THOSE THINGS ARE JUST AUTISTIC THINGS.

And just.

It's really really upsetting to see the traits that I personally relate to in Papyrus have people saying "he could NEVER actually mean/do that! CLEARLY it was a joke, or subterfuge or insert something else here-"(the very strongly implied "because only Children do that" is so clear it's nauseating) (And often stated, but just in slightly different language. "It's clear." or "Of course Papyrus wouldn't-" or "He's smart!" or "He's an adult!")

Most of the portrayals I see of Papyrus are wonderful. While I've seen this a lot in fandom, I don't think it's the majority of people who create or write, or blog Papyrus content. But it's a big enough chunk that it is incredibly worrying and upsetting.

I'm also not trying to wave away any level of subterfuge, or mystery that Papyrus has. Because he has a lot! And!!! He's a grown ass adult! (A HILARIOUS one who cracks a shit ton of jokes and is witty as hell.) Someone who is very sneaky about many things, and masks a lot, and is clearly hiding SOMETHING. Have fun theorizing about him, because there sure is a lot to theorize about! Sneaky, sneaky skeleton...

Just. While I'm not trying to change anyone's headcanons... It might be worth it to see if the Papyrus you create has been removed from all of his autistic traits that are deemed undesirable (a level of social ineptitude or not understanding others, routines like bedtime stories, and so much more) while only leaving the ones you think are quirky or fun (things like masking, or stimming with big, flailing gestures, special interest in puzzles, etc.).

And if that's true, why might that be?

If the answer is "because Papyrus is too smart/mature/clever/etc. to mean or do this seriously." then that is no longer an innocent headcanon. That is saying that people who DO have those traits aren't smart/mature/clever/etc. That is infantilizing autistic traits. (And yes! Autistic people can also do this by accident! I used to fall victim to internalized ableism that I didn't even realize was there, and I've seen other people do it, too.)

I was going to get into a more in-depth list of Papyrus’s traits that are autistic traits or could be caused by being autistic, and basically write an entire fan essay on the whole situation, starting from the beginning infantilization of Papyrus in fandom (equally as bad) and ending with where we're at now as Papyrus fans. (This right now is not an essay. It's a vent, and a plea. When I say essay, I mean with cited sources, properly structured... An actual ESSAY that would help people.)

But… I’m tired. I know it’s an accident in most cases. I know that most people probably don’t realize they’re calling autistic traits “stupid” or “childlike” or “papyrus would never because he’s not a child—“

And I know that this one simple post isn’t enough to explain how autistic peoples’ brains frequently work, or why these things don’t mean someone is stupid or childlike.

I know that without a thorough explanation there’s so many people that won’t realize that they’re doing this. And it’s certainly not as gentle as I wanted to be. I want to be kind, because I know that it's an accident, and that people aren't trying to be cruel or harmful.

But I’m just… tired. I’m so, so tired. It’s hard to gently explain to people that are actively harming you and your community why what they’re doing is hurtful.

Maybe someday I’ll actually write that essay, and I can include helpful tips on what autism can look like, or how Papyrus's differing things COULD be (not necessarily ARE) an indication or presentation of autism, and also some more tips on how to integrate some of Papyrus’s characteristics in different ways in a fic that keeps his wonderful autistic swag if that's what you want to do. Maybe I can delve into some more of the nuance of this discussion, of which there is much.

But right now I can’t.

If you're worried you might be doing something like this but you really do need an essay or more structure and specific writing breaking it all out, then. Well! I want to help people. If you have questions about what I said and genuinely want to learn, I can do my best to answer and help in an essay if there's enough questions, or in asks if its just a one off question.

(Though absolutely no promises. The entire discussion is draining and triggering, so... It's hard. Please don't be surprised if I'm unable to keep conversation about this going.)

I don't want to write the essay if it's not going to help anyone though. So… let me know. Maybe in reblogs. Just please not in my DMs. I'll turn on anonymous asks for the next month or so, and if people use them to be cruel, or confrontational, I will be taking that away again.

If you've made it this far... Thanks for reading.

...And, you know what? Shitty TLDR:

Papyrus is a grown ass man who can say fuck and be a bad ass bitch, and who can also be an autistic adult. These things are not mutually exclusive to each other.

Edit: Someone sent me a wonderful essay written by the-irken-pony about Papyrus and autism that was written in the earlier days of the fandom and Papyrus infantilization. (I have no idea how I haven’t seen this before.)

It’s not the current issue of “wow you became the thing you most sought to destroy (infantilization)” in Papyrus’s fan base, but it’s a wonderful breakdown of autism in Papyrus. It’s a good thing to read with this. You don’t have to accept the various headcanons as yours, but please take note of the various things that could be caused by autism. And then make sure that you aren’t calling those things childish.

[deoidesign]

Btw just want to be clear that Time and Time Again is set to, and will if I don't pause, conclude in May 2025!

Webtoon didn't want to renew or give me any extra episodes so I'm trying to work with what I have. I'm sorry it's ending sooner than I'd like, it's been difficult to come to terms with and challenging to condense my plans.

You deserve a solid conclusion, and I've spent months writing to try and reach that. If there's anything you'd really like to see before it ends, do let me know in case I can (and want to) fit it in.

I'd rather not work with them again, and I hope I won't have to! But coming off of years being overworked and underpaid does not make that easy, to say the least...

I'm doing my best, and I hope you like what I have coming up.

[ghastlyaffairs]

for something as trivial and simple those feelings sure are hard to get rid of

also made a gif a version for fun + alt version with no tears under the cut

the gif is in very low resolution...this is a feature (i could make it bigger but that would require saving each frame individually and than glueing it all together. also i feel like low resolution suits it better. aesthetically and fits the mood)

[firestorm09890]

on a scale from one to NaN, how real are you feeling today?

[genericpuff]

vent post

[bigandbadandbruisedd]

so uh yeah apparently "starving for him" only works till he LEAVES YOUR ASSSSSSS

[mushroominaforest]

(Post panic attack Mushroom here, I’m putting this vent thingy under a cut now, I was kinda freaking out when I posted it so sorry lol)

So. Apparently I’m getting some… uh, something (not actually sure what) done to my face tomorrow. All I really know is that it’s for “aesthetic purposes”.

No matter how many times I insist that I like the way I look, my mom doesn’t seem to agree. Anyways I’m praying to god that this isn’t some sort of plastic surgery or something. With any luck it’s just like, a tooth-whitening procedure (she’s mentioned that a few times so I really hope it’s just that) or something else small. It better not be a nose job. If it’s a nose job (ever since I broke my nose and it got a bump in it, my moms been complaining about how I used to have such a cute button nose) then I swear the second that shit heals I am breaking my nose again. I don’t care.

Yeah I’m… honestly scared. I’ve told my mom so much that I don’t want to change the way I look, and she still went behind my back and booked me this appointment to have… whatever it is done to make me prettier.

But I’m just gonna fuck my face up again if they fix it. If they get rid of my scar I’m taking a knife to my face and giving myself a new one. I don’t want to change. I don’t. I’ll make myself even uglier than I already am. They can’t make me pretty, I don’t want to be! I JUST WANT TO BE MYSELF!

[uhbasicallyjustmilex]

feeling very grateful for the cute barista today who clearly clocked a) my fontaines d.c. tote, and b) the fact i was stuck on a spectacularly bad date, and proceeded to play me an entire playlist of fontaines d.c. and sneak me extra vegan marshmallows with my hot chocolate