#ugh I’m just so fucking upset
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A moment of silence for my books.
There was a water leak in my MIL’s basement where we were keeping most of our stuff due to moving in to take care of her as she went through her cancer treatments.
The leak was mostly over our boxes of books.
Out of 250+ books only 30 are completely dead and gone but most are still drying and will need to be treated for mold.
A lot of the ones ruined are my childhood books, which is just gutting. Many aren’t shown in these photos because they were thrown away immediately due to mold and how they fell apart in our hands.
If you know me, my books are my life.
If anyone knows the best ways to treat for mold, please let me know.
#kit rambles#water damage#damaged books#ugh I’m just so fucking upset#I was trying not to cry in front of the plumber#my books D:#my poor books
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#I really hope 2025 is the year that I can let go of and leave behind all the people that fucking ruined and took advantage of me#and that I don’t even think about them anymore. I just want this shit to stop haunting me.#she doesn’t give a fuck about me and never did. but it still fucking hurts.#and I just keep ripping old wounds open because I’m always thinking about her but I know I don’t even cross her mind#especially not with how easily she just fucking discarded me once I’d served my purpose to her.#fucking almost 10 goddamn years literally fucking thrown away and looking back I realize all the shit I should’ve left over before#and just let her ruin her own life instead of taking me along for the ride and fucking me and my life up more in the process#I hope she fucking rots. I hope BOTH of them fucking rot actually. I fucking hate them for what they did#lying to me so id move in with them and then pulling all the shit they did so I’d stay only long enough to be beneficial for them.#fucking entitled cunts. fuck.#at least I’ve found a new bestie that isn’t a fucking asshole to replace the one that was#I’m so thankful for her but still so angry and upset with how I was tossed aside by the old one because of her insecure ass fucking fiancée#ugh. anyways. I’m gonna shut up now.#I just needed to vent for a second. I’m hoping this helps me detach more and leave that shit behind.
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Gawd I’m. it’s 4:20am and I’ve been listening to exclusively the new 21 savage album since it dropped last night and I’m thinking abt my ocs . And spacewaffles I suppose
#RRRGG I can never get Bacon’s colors right but it’s ok!!!#it’s sooo okay and fine I’m deffo not upset abt it ^_^#lifesteal smp#baconnwaffles0#planetlord#oc: Corduroy#im so proud of the name Corduroy I really like it . need to flesh out her character more <33#UGH ok I dislike how Planet’s head/hair looks and Bacon’s hair is too fucking saturated AND you can’t tell that’s it’s braids !!!#Corduroy looks fine. love you Corduroy <333#according to procreate I spent 2.5 hours on this OHGG MY GOD WHYYY#ok caption true tho new 21 kinda awesome#my favorites so far r see the real and uhh#wait hold on#and just like me . special mention should’ve wore a bonnet . THAT song takes me straight back to middle school and swing screen doors <3333#AND ICE POPS AND WATER BALLON FIGHTS that we were allowed to start past 7pm cuz parents would make us clean up and we had school#damn. I love music#ok bye I’ve been here for long enough and i probs need to sleep lol#nox art
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actually fuckedup so bad today i cant believe it
#Shaking and trembling and covered in blood: w-well live and learn i guess right? Can’t change the past right? Onward and upward right????#Technically wasn’t even that bad i just ate more cookies than i meant to but i was just doing so WELL and then today i ate x cals#Of my favorite sweets and I couldn’t stop myself I couldn’t put them down and im so angry ive had so much self control this whole time#I’m still gonna keep under my cal max today I’ll just have salad for dinner and black coffee but fuck man. Shit#I just kept going and got upset so i ate more to quench the feeling of being upset and Ive been stifling that urge so well#i know r3str1cting isnt healthy either but i almost forgot how scary b1nging rlly feels sometimes that was the first rlly Bad one#That wasn’t caused bc i was hungry from r3str1cting intensely but simply because i wanted sugar and couldn’t say no. And its shaken me#Ugh
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i started out doing inorganic chemistry, eventually decided on doing pharmaceuticals so I switched into organic chem and biochem to supplement. the more i learn, the more i realize the ENTIRE diet industry is a scam. Like not just most of it. ALL of it. The only advice anyone can give you to lose weight is to go hungry, unless they are giving you medicine which regulates leptin/NPY (which you will need to take for the rest of your life).
scientists have known since the 90s that our bodies have a “set point” in which our body heavily regulates our hormones so that we never go below or too much above that weight?? and like. nobody talks about it.
#sorry i am so angry because my (formerly) obese grandma just died after prolonged unsupervised use of ozempic#because her fucking doctor thought her weight was more important than her having enough muscle to walk/stand/not fall all the time#disgusting and tragic and because of fat phobia my grandma was perfectly happy to keep taking the medicine because she was just tired#of being seen as fat and lazy and ugly and whatever. and she was beautiful truly.#like it makes me so upset to think about all the times she bragged to me about being able to fit in a size medium now#despite the fact that she was wheelchair bound and a constant fall risk from muscle atrophy#because she’s also had gastric bypass which meant she couldn’t intake enough protein to prevent the muscle atrophy on ozempic#once again her doctor didn’t even care. so like. ugh sorry i’m just upset
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It would be great if that thing could stop happening where I’m minding my own business perfectly fine and then all of a sudden in the span of like two seconds I’m on the brink of tears and feel like the breath has been wrenched out of me and I feel like the world is going to cave in around me and swallow me
#today it was because I abruptly realized at literally no point in my life has anyone told me it’s all going to be okay#literally ever#anytime I’ve been upset or struggling#it’s always what I need to do to fix it/myself#or why I can’t/shouldn’t feel that way#sometimes it was well meaning sometimes it wasn’t#but goddamn I’ve never just been allowed to believe that it was all gonna eventually be okay#like what the fuck man#no parent no family member no friend no partner#no one has ever thought to just comfort me and say it will be okay#‘fix it’ or ‘stop feeling that way’ is all I’ve ever gotten#no matter how impossible that may have been in the situation#like fuck dude I’m so tired#literally just walking to go complete a task at work#and BANG#that#I feel so pathetic for it#but I literally just want to be able to lay my head on someone’s lap and for them to tell me it’s alright#it’s okay to feel bad and one day things will be okay and that’s just it#I get that might not be constructive and maybe that’s why no one’s ever done it but#I honestly feel like it would just release some unfathomable pressure in me#ugh I feel like such a fucking child#but man it would have been nice to get this at least once in my stupid fucking life#kaz rambles
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#I hate stupid arguments so much#like. one of the people I work with was asking whether McDonald’s or Taco Bell is masculine or feminine#I don’t. understand. the basis of the question.#this devolved into them using art history logic to say that French fries are phallic#(columns are phallic and in their mind therefore every straight line is phallic. I don’t. understand. but sure.)#and they just kept pushing about it like????#I’m sorry I don’t agree with you????#I think it’s a dumb question but I was trying so hard to not say that????#and then they (jokingly) (I think) called me a loser for not getting it#I KNOW this was all a very silly thing but#I fucking hate that#the whole ‘let’s ask a stupid question to argue for the sake of arguing and get mad when the other person doesn’t immediately agree’#I know being upset about it is ridiculous but I just. can’t.#I had to shut it down and just say that I was done talking about it#and now apparently I’m no fun#I just. don’t want to argue.#just in general. I don’t understand the need to create conflict over something stupid.#ugh
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literally the catch 22 of making urself less to keep people around you directly leading to people leaving u bc you’re not opening up to them 🧍♀️
#like !!! I’m trying to be what YOU want!!! I’m sorry you didn’t want me like that and now you’re mad I’m fake ?!!!??!!#I’m trying so hard but I don’t think I have an authentic self to live confidently as#bc everyone says the only way to rly be happy is let go of expectations and be your real self and find your real people#but I don’t think I have a self tbh#I think I’m a collection of experiences and expectations and I don’t know how to return to the origin point#oh well I guess!!!!! lost cause!#‘you can’t give up everything for someone and call that love’ WELL WHAT IF ITS THE ONLY WAY I KNOW HOW TO LOVE ?!#yeah I’ll never have real love bc I only expect to love and not be loved#but let’s be entirely real. you can’t love a mirrorball ! a set of masks ! a changing thing !#and yeah I know it’s my fault I’m like that but it’s fucking impossible to stop#how can I take chances and live authentically like ??? what the fuck that goes against my like. core being.#idk I’m making it sound stupid but UGH#and then I just become upset later that they don’t love me the same. maybe it’s bc they don’t know me. like sure. they never asked.#but I never told.#i talk sometimes
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i am actually cursed bc why does every mfing perosn waNT ME EXCEPT PEOPLE I DO WANT!!!!!! I WANNA SCREAM!!!!!! I need to not be a nice person bc apparently that means you’re into someone even tho you have never accepted a friend request for them or responded to comments when they follow you bc you don’t add them as a friend and then you are a friendly person to them bc they come to the liquor store everyday and now this mfer slid in my dms
update: i posted this 30 seconds ago and the man is simping on my damn posts. fucking WHY. i do not need this mfing shit rn 😭😭 i am in my feelings and pissed all at once. talkin bout “love ur personality, u’ve always had a loveable soul” STFU PLS RN WTF WTF IM SO MAD 🤣🤣💀💀💀💀💀💀 WHY ARE SOME MEN JUST LIKE THIS IM EMBARRASSED
#fucking why#im so done with everything tn fr#idk why I’m being such a lonely bitch#but then this just made me upset to bc why#also just wanna add this mfer called me ugly in middle school on a tbh 🤣🤣#he was ugly then and now#sorry not sorry#and he kind of is a shitty person so no#UGH#i don’t even wanna answer him#but im tellin y’all i see this mfer everyday rip#so done#why#why why whyyyyyyy#im so done that i went to the gas station just prayin my guy was there and he wasn’t#and I straight up pretended to look around for 30 seconds and told my other friends ‘bye’#and didn’t even buy shit#wtfe universe
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Getting ready for my psych appointment like “I will get a good grade in adhd, autism, and bpd. This is something that is both normal to want and possible to achieve”
#I mean ik that’s the real reason I’m so nervous. that this person is gonna be like wellllllll I don’t think you actually have these things#(unlikely considering my… everything and also that my therapist and psychiatrist have both told her ‘yeah they have these things’#but it’s just. ugh.#like I understand WHY they want to redo my adhd and autism diagnosis#it makes sense and I’m not like. upset about it and I know it’s not cuz they don’t think I have it#it just does make me a bit anxious though cuz like yeah it IS a possibility this person could decide I don’t have them….#which would then fuck up the whole reason I’m doing all this in the first place#(redoing the diagnoses because the psych who diagnosed me years ago rushed everything through#because she was convinced I had them wanted to treat me and had treated members of my family who also had them#so y know the genetic component was a strong factor in it#but because they were rushed through I didn’t go through most of the testing#so now they want me to do that so the testing is officially on my medical record#which again I understand and that makes sense. just. also nervewracking you know)#but anyways trying not to be nervous I know it’ll be fine just. probably very long and tedious#but it is what it is#complete refusal to make eye contact with anyone don’t fail me now !!!!!!!#I JUST WANT TREATMENT I FEEL LIKE I CANT FUNCTION AND I KNOW THIS IS THE NEXT STEP I HAVE TO TAKE#SO I JUST WANT IT TO GO SMOOTHLY 😭😭😭😭#(also have very very tentatively have started squinting at going back to school#and I know if I do I will NEED accommodations or I will quite literally never make it#that was the reason I originally got diagnosed years ago after all)#kaz rambles
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sorta ? happy rant but still a rant below.
I’m so happy it happened and I don’t feel good about how much happier I feel but I feel so much happier ! and healthy ngl and it’s taking time and there are good parts and bad parts but overall I’m so glad we’re over because it was so unhealthy I couldn’t see it and I feel better now. And I know not all of it is good for me and I need to find more people to connect with and be friends with irl but cutting off the bad ones helps that so much I think. I’ve noticed I go weeks without thinking about them sometimes and it’s so good ? I feel good healing. Is that bad to say?
#camera talks#oops. ramble bc I’m upset at work but that’s what I was thinking about at 5 in the morning while I was driving#and also I don’t feel like I can tell my irls about this bc idk how they’d feel about me ‘bringing it back up’#I’d really love just to sit and call and chat with some of them about it but. el oh el I don’t think I can#I just think they’d be upset about me talking about it again bc it’s done and over but anyways#ugh. I have the stupid and hard cries about it too. and I still beat myself up about some aspects#but I feel so much bette it’s crazy. I didn’t know you could feel this much better after something like that#and I Know it happened in February which was a fucking while ago but it takes time to heal#I’m actually suprised I feel this good this soon tbh#still gonna vent tag this ngl#vent#tw vent#probably gonna delete later lmao
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So funny how trauma will just kick you in the fucking teeth with the most random triggers.
#ra speaks#personal#watched the most recent quintin reviews vid which like yeah I went in with expectations of the content#and it’s not like I actively avoid stuff that depicts/discusses abuse I’ve been going to therapy long enough to know my most sensitive#triggers and stuff. but…idk something abt when he got to the drake bell section just set me off something fierce.#I’m all nerves and stress and self loathing/misplaced guilt from my own past bullshit#like brain can we please cool it we’ve been over this for years why you freaking the fuck out now? (I mean. logically. I know why#and how trauma works and that I’m just having emotional flashbacks but still. ugh.)#brain please be real niceys to me I have a meeting in an hour we cannot be having a panic attack.#you’re safe you’re good it wasn’t your fault etc etc can we please go back to being an adult more than a decade past all that? please???#survived my meeting so I’m gonna vent abt this a bit more bc. let’s be real.#I don’t rememember a solid 3 years of my adolescence and it fucks w me sometimes.#I remember things before 4th grade. I remember 4th grade. then bam I’m in 8th going to high school. and like#I know logistically what happened. I know emotionally I hated/was so fucking scared of [redacted] until I finally left that fucking school.#it’s just. frustrating bc if I remembered maybe I’d feel more justified letting myself get upset abt it. but I don’t so suck it up buttercup#it probably wasn’t even that bad if you don’t actually remember it so pull it together.#hell for all you know it had nothing to do with [redacted] and you were just on bad meds/depressed and forgot three solid years of your life#after meeting [redacted] <- I am not convincing myself unfortunately.
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screaming shaking crying trembling wailing sobbing throwing up punching the wall in anguish and agony and angst etc etc etc
#Seven.txt#Seven’s Public Diary#cw vent post#kinda?? i guess??#cw dentist#anyways yeah. i have to go to the dentist soon and i wanna throw up just thinking abt it#someone just fucking hit me with a tranq gun and get it over with already oh my god i don’t wanna do thisssssss#but don’t actually do that cause i would deadass revoke someone’s breathing privileges if they ever sedated me without my consent#that’s part of what i’m so afraid of. i don’t know what i’m gonna do if they say i have to be put under general anesthesia for this.#i will literally cry and run out of the building#so here’s hoping that they can just numb it and keep me awake#i need to stay awake for this man it’s the only way i can handle it. i don’t wanna be vulnerable like that.#hhhhhhh last time i was in a dentist chair i was shaking uncontrollably and it’s so embarrassing when my body does that shit#i’m so afraid it’s gonna be like that again cause my fear has gotten so much worse as i’ve put off going#but my father will be there with me so maybe my need to appear strong in front of him will override my body’s need to shake in fear lmao#so i’ve got someone to take me and i’ve thankfully got the money saved to afford it so realistically i shouldn’t be upset#but i am so so afraid and no amount of logic is gonna help me out here. i already know that#i just have to go do it like i have to force myself to do all the other things i’m afraid of#ugh. i can’t tell if i’m nauseous cause of the pain radiating from my jaw bone to my brow bone or if it’s anxiety#or if it’s cause i couldn’t eat last night. or all three. probably all three#i’ve never had any cavities or serious issues with my teeth before in my life so this is so so so new and scary and i hate it#but i want the pain to stop so i gotta get this fixed. and never eat anything with sugar or acid or anything ever again#and brush my teeth one million times a day so this doesn’t happen again#sighs and collapses on the floor. i guess i couldn’t run from the consequences of my mentally ill actions forever#also no for once i didn’t actually punch anything. that was just a figure of speech. and i’m in enough pain as it is rn lmao
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i feel like i’m absolutely not the person to be giving takes abt palestine but i’ve been trying to learn more abt everything and am now so pissed and sad and fucking livid
free palestine
#gonna find more resources and stuff to reblog#i’ve been so all over the place recently but i’ve been reading a lot abt it in the past couple days so i can actually be fucking informed#and it’s fucking awful and upsetting and difficult to read#just read abt biden STILL fucking supporting israel and like#ugh i already didn’t fucking like the man but i’m so livid abt this#hence feeling like as a usamerican i should say I DONT AGREE WITH THAT BITCH#sending love and hope to palestinians#there’s fuck all else i can do#sorry this isn’t a very articulate take#i’m not really adding anything but i feel like i’ve gotta say SOMETHING#i don’t know man
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i hate how the one time i’m not paying attention to wtf my face is doing i end up making the wrong expression and now everyone thinks i’m upset
#bears babble#vent in tags#fuckin ugh#i finally start to like relax and not mask as much around them#and it’s good! i’m like actually chilling!!!#but fucking my face is just doing whatever and apparently i was frowning#but like i was feeling good and having a good time watching the stream#idk it’s upsetting#and another thing happened in that call#fucking god i’m just so tired of these mildly upsetting things
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I know I should be excited for my brother but this whole thing feels like it’s going to be hours and hours of me feeling like a failure while my brother is happy and it’s so hard to step out of myself and be fully happy for him without feeling like a shitty disappointment
#still so upset i didn’t even get the fun graduation or prom or anything parts of high school bc I dropped out and got my ged and here my#brother is graduating for the second time and everyone’s showering him with love and praise but I had to fucking struggle to even get my GED#and no one really celebrated at all#idk. I just don’t see myself going to college really so it’s hard to think about one never getting any of this for me and two my dad not#being here to see it bc normally he was the one who would understand when I was being selfish and he would talk me out of it or at least try#while my mom was just praising my brother and being happy for her son my dad was always comforting me#ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh I feel like a failure who’s dad is dead#crying in the car waiting for my mom to get to graduation#vibes are bad but I’m so happy for my brother and so proud cause this whole thing kicked his ass and to even be in a place where he can walk#at graduation and do summer courses is incredible#like even tho he struggled he really pulled thru and I love him and I’m so proud but also why am I such a fuck up and why does no one#celebrate when I do well especially after being such a fuck up#ugh.#so sick of crying I’m gonna be crying all day#fuck this fuck this fuck this fuck this I want to stay in the car forever and do nothing
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