#and it’s fucking awful and upsetting and difficult to read

[handcat]

i feel like i’m absolutely not the person to be giving takes abt palestine but i’ve been trying to learn more abt everything and am now so pissed and sad and fucking livid

free palestine

[hyuckswoman]

“thank you for agreeing to talk to me” jisung said picking at his fingers from nervousness

“it’s fine jisung, we’re just talking” you said trying to distract yourself with anything that could distract you

“no yeah, i just wanted to apologize” “for what?” you asked, you had to make sure he knew what was wrong with this situation “for ghosting you, i just. look, i don’t want to seem like i’m making excuses so i’ll just leave it at an apology but i really am sorry”

“so you’re not going to explain why? cause i’d be glad to know” “honestly? i’m just immature. I’m not the best at communicating and running away is just so easier than actually facing any difficult situations i’m in. I just got in my head too much and next thing i know i was ghosting you and treating you like shit and i’m also so mad because it’s upsetting me as if i’m not the one who put myself in this situation in the first place you know?”

“i mean i guess? but I don’t know i kinda feel shitty about you leaving all of a sudden like that” “yeah, and i respect that like it’s valid, i was just freaking out and handled it in a stupid way instead of just communicating but i want you to know that i’ll get better at it” “that’s good tho, that you realize that. i think it’ll help you later on in life”

“i’m also sorry for the text i sent you, i wasn’t trying to do anything i was just regretting my decision and felt like telling that i was missing you because then maybe you’d know that i don’t hate you or whatever” “i know you don’t hate me, at least i figured you didn’t” “good, that’s- that’s great yea. I did mean it tho I miss you but just awful timing and a really emotionally stupid thing to do. but i am working on it, and I’ll be better. just wanted to let you know” “thanks, i forgive you tho so don’t beat yourself up too much”

“you do? that’s cool i missed my partner” “oh let me be more clear my bad, i forgive you for what you’ve done because i understand where you’re coming from and since you’re a man your frontal lobe has not really developed so i have to be lenient with you. joking. kinda. but i don’t know if us being friends again is what’s best. you already fucked me over once and it was confusing how easily you switched up and then we were cool and then you ghosted me. and listen, i don’t like to be made a fool of, and you did that. twice. so maybe i’ll change my mind but for now, i don’t think we should be friends. no bad blood between us though”

“i understand and respect your decision and will be patiently waiting if you ever decide to give me a chance. that’s of course except if you allow me to kind of chase after you a little bit” “you shouldn’t put yourself in that position, i’m not worth chasing after trust me” “to me you are. so do i get your permission?” “do whatever you want jisung, but don’t say i didn’t warn you” you sigh getting up to leave while he just nods and slightly smiles at you

39. apology

previous chapter masterlist next chapter

notes: sorry i disappeared for a while i was on a short holiday with my girlsssss (also tmi posting this chapter made me cry i HATE how tumblr lags it’s so FRUSTRATINGGGGGUGHHHHHHH)

taglist: @kgyam4 @sunghoonsgfreal @injunnie-lemon @nctrawberries @222low @multifandomania @nemonemoz @bearhyuckz @222brainrot @sinsgaybutthatsokay @defzcl @lostinneocity @junviadinho @mrsbyun-baek @skepvids @wonbin-truther @jkslvsnella @jising-jisang-jisung @nanaxwi @polarisjisung @amrqxz @jirsungs @haechansbbg @dalsosapple @pookime @pinklemonade34 @lotties-readings @roseangelxfuma @jiiieun @hrtleehan @mystverse @alethea-moon @stqrgr7 @nosungluv @dinonuguaegi @addyanm @kenmaswoman @okkkcausewhet @starfilledgaze @iseos1 @jovialdelusionbouquet @tywritesstuff @luffysprincess @pinkberryy15 @theandypark @keeryverse

[crescndo]

Miles Away.

Spencer Reid x Reader

Spencer's use of drugs makes him an unreachable shell of a person. Words can be horrible and true at the same time, and you'll never be able to take them back.

1.2k words

cw: Spencer's use of drugs, drug use, fighting, a lot of awful things are said, ANGST, no happy ending, Spencer is angry and unwell, I think thats the gist of it but let me know if I missed anything.

an: This is... Rough. It's quite depressing, so please approach with caution.

You've been here before.

Maybe only once or twice, but it's so agonizingly familiar that it physically hurts. The pounding of your heart and rush of thoughts is overwhelming. You taste copper, only to realize that you've been biting down on the inside of your cheek too hard.

It's hard to look him in the eyes, sometimes. It's ironic. Looking Spencer Reid in the face should be far from difficult. Faint stubble and irises that could very much be made of coffee and honey just aren't so comforting anymore. It's hard to look at him and really see him, like you used to be able to. He's not so telling anymore. Just blank. It's unfair that he can read you like it's nothing and he leaves you with crumbs.

Neither of you have talked for about three minutes, the silence is awful. Spencer always told you about how much he loved the kind of silence the two of you had. He didn't have to worry about filling it; It was soft. It was holdings hands and warm blankets and skin and the turning of pages.

This was harsh and loud. You could cut it with a plastic knife. It envelopes you like smoke and you struggle to breathe, It feels like someone is standing on your chest.

His lips are pressed into a thin line. You want to take three steps forward and pry them open, force words from his vocal chords, something that makes sense. Something to work with.

"Why won't you just talk to me?"

Spencer sighs and shifts on his feet.

"It's not worth it." That's what he thinks, anyways.

"I don't understand."

"I'm not asking you to."

"But I want to, Spencer."

He doesn't respond. It's infuriating.

You try to scan his face for something, anything. You're not given very much.

That is, until your eyes fall back onto his. His pupils are tiny, Minuscule. Dark circles frame them, and his cheeks look hollow, his cheekbones startlingly prominent. You look down and he's picking at the skin around his fingernails.

"Spencer," You start carefully. This is bound to end poorly, but it's so hard to ignore. "Are you using?"

It sounds weird, not like how you usually sound. It comes out small and afraid. It sounds like when a child asks, "will it hurt?" As they clutch at their parents hand, a needle poised at their arm.

Spencer does not speak. It's so unlike him. That's how it feels most days, though. You miss him, even if he's standing right in front of you.

"I'm not using." Liar. It's painfully obvious but somewhat surprising, especially from a profiler.

"I struggle to believe you."

He shakes his head, exasperated.

"I told you to tell me about these things." Your words do not come out soft.

"I knew that you would be upset." Neither do his.

"Well yeah, I'm fucking upset. This isn't exactly a pleasant discovery, is it?"

"I'm sorry, am I mistaken, or is it suddenly you with the drug problem?"

"Problem?" You scoff. "Spencer, this is far from a problem. You're addicted."

"As if I didn't know that."

Fuck Spencer Reid.

"You're killing yourself, you know that right? You come home every day bitter and cold, and you snap at me constantly. Do you know how that feels? Horrible. It feels horrible."

It becomes less factual, and more about hitting where it hurts. And God, do you know where it hurts. Every little whisper he's ever given you tells you where it hurts. Every choked sob has told you where it hurts. Every small, afraid, and tired glance has told you that it hurts.

"You're exhausting, you're too much. I can't do it anymore, I can no longer save you, I don't know why I thought I could."

It's cruel. You regret it the moment you stop talking.

"You shouldn't have tried." It comes out bitter, and you think that he means it.

Oh, you know it fucking hurts.

His lips are pulled into a small frown, his eyes sad. He moves away, leaving you in the middle of the space between his kitchen and living room. You hear the jangle of his keys and the sound of the front door.

You don't think that you've ever heard Spencer slam a door, even when its warranted. He always closes them softly. Carefully. He's never mentioned it, and you've never asked.

You almost wished he had slammed it this time. You want the finality of it. It will never come, though. As much as you want it. There is no finality in recovery, there is no finality in fights. You will never be able to take your words back. You can forgive, but you cannot forget.

It's awkward standing in his apartment without him. You'd come here with him, and he left without you. It feels as if the green walls are closing in on you.

You don't know whether to go or stay. Going feels wrong, but so does the latter.

You curse yourself when you go after him.

~

Damn Spencer and his long legs.

You have to practically run to catch up to him. It's dark out and the streetlights are on, and there's barely anyone out.

"Spencer," You breathe as you catch up to him.

He keeps walking.

"Please, let's talk?"

Nothing. He says nothing.

"I know I said awful, awful things that I shouldn't even be thinking-"

"But you thought them anyway, yes? They must be true."

Fuck.

You stop, it's no use chasing after him.

You watch as he whips around.

"You tell me I'm exhausting, do you know how often I've heard that? I'm sorry that my existence inconveniences you, but if I tire you so much than go."

"It doesn't inconvenience me, but Spencer, you have to understand that the drugs you're taking are killing you. I miss you." You're not sure you want to anymore.

"I'm right here, aren't I?"

"No, you're not. Don't you understand? You're distant. It's like I'm speaking to a void."

"A void would be less tiring though, wouldn't it?"

"Don't do that." Yeah, it would, wouldn't it?

He frowns. You used to kiss away his frowns. You can't anymore, they don't disappear like they used to. They taint his face as if they're scars.

You want to crawl beneath his skin, carve out what is rotted and replace it with your own flesh. Remove the blood that is poisoned and give him yours. You don't care if the poison kills you. You want to give him everything you have and he just. Won't. Let. You.

It starts to rain, heavy and sudden.

"I want to help you, but I can't when you won't let me." Your voice cracks halfway through and there's a familiar lump in your throat.

"Has it occurred to you that I don't want your help? You try to ‘help’ everything. There are some things in life that you just can't fix."

He starts walking again.

"Where are you going?"

"Away."

You watch him leave. Your clothes stick to your skin uncomfortably, water drips from your eyelashes making your vision blurry.

You used to say that Spencer could be the moon; gorgeous and oh so intimidating. Illuminating and so lovely. You could stare at him for hours, you could write essays and books about him. You'd go after him again, but sometimes it really does feel like he’s 238,855 miles away.

[arlestial]

Hey, could you make a part two of how the Blue Lock boys make up for the forgotten date? (Nagi,Isagi,Bachira) 🌷

❝if you'd have been the one❞

synopsis : Life is sometimes difficult, keeping them busy and away from you; until it turned to take you away from them.

pairing : Isagi Yoichi, Nagi Seishiro, Bachira Meguru x genderneutral!reader •— Blue Lock

tw : Alternative endings (angst or fluff/comfort)

word count : 4.3k

author-note : Hi !! I’m so happy y���all liked this, so I decided to write a part II. Some wanted angst, others comfort, so I did both in order to please everyone :) The part I is here ! Thanks for all your kindness, I’m overjoyed to see so much attention on my writings 😭 I hope you’ll like it !! take care of yourself ♡

tag-list : @cecee77, @mandapanda16, @mariyumemi, @someonethatisnobody, @erintaro, @missalienqueen, @8-xnny, @miyanosm, @neuvilletteismybby

ISAGI YOICHI’s eyes widened when he saw your text, after the game. He knew he fucked-up the instant he stepped inside the soccer field, already regretting his decision. He won, but the stadium applause sounded like an awful ringtone that woke him up to reality, a shrill noise crashing his organs and piercing his ears. His heart was racing; not because of the victory, but because of the apprehension. The fear. The panic, that perhaps, he had lost you. But you wouldn’t leave him, right ? Everybody make errors. You would forgive him, no need to stress. At least, that’s what he was trying to convince himself. But in the depths of his own mind, he wasn’t this confident. He took his phone, excusing himself from his teammates that were celebrating, and isolated himself in the corridor. He tried to call, but you refused it twice. He groaned, his hands shaking, trying to tap a text quickly.

22:49p.m. | y/n ♡ : guess you made your choice then.

- read at 00:24a.m.

00:24a.m. | yoichi ♡ : honey please just accept the call

i know I fucked up, I’m sorry

i shouldn’t have done that

- read at 00:33a.m.

00:34a.m. | yoichi ♡ : i know you don’t want to talk to me right now

I’m coming over

- read at 00:38a.m.

00:39a.m. | y/n ♡ : gosh, how savvy and perspicacious of you.

- read at 00:39a.m.

00:40a.m. | yoichi ♡ : here in two minutes

- read at 00:41a.m.

You turned off your phone, completely mad. You clearly didn’t want to talk to him right now, especially this late. He couldn’t care less about you when he was playing on the field; and now, surprisingly, he knew that he fucked up and he regretted it ? Please. You decided to spend the night elsewhere, at your parents, since they were the only ones responding in the middle of the night - they were probably watching a movie at home and were a bit surprised to see you texting them a "hey, can I come over ? got an issue at home" text out-of-the-blue. As you exited your bedroom with a bag filled with spare clothes, you’re met by a raven-haired man, panting, still in his blue jersey, preventing you from leaving the house. He grabbed your waist when you tried to walk past him.

"Isagi, let me go."

"Love, listen. What I did was selfish, I know, it was a terrible mistake."

"So tell me, Isagi, when did you feel regret ? When you stood me up or when I texted you back, making it clear that I was upset ?"

"Actually, from the very first moment my foot landed on the field. But that doesn’t change anything, it’s still shitty of me, and i-"

"But it changes everything, in fact. So, you could’ve turned around. You could’ve joined me at this restaurant, like you promised me, no ? But you didn’t. So you just lied right in front of my face. How bold of you."

He felt like suffocating. You were right. He should’ve refused to play the match, even if there were the most talented players in the world; because you were his lover, goddamnit. He knew you were insecure, because he was rather absent, and he should’ve came to the date he promised to take you to. He was busy with Blue Lock, neglecting you in the process and not setting aside enough time to reassure you like he was supposed to. He wanted you to slap him, to punch him, as hard as you could; he wanted to suffer physically. It was easier to bear physical pain than to handle the mental distress he was in.

"But no, my sweet boyfriend Isagi Yoichi decided to stood me up to play some random game as if he’s not always away from me all the damn time."

"I don’t know why I did that, honestly. It was stupid, and I’m deeply sorry. You know that I love you a lot, right ? You’re the most important thing in my life, and I don’t want to loose you because I’m too immature to think before I-"

"Am I even enough for you ?"

You were losing patience, your tone now sharp, trying to bite away the tears from falling.

"Obviously you are, darling. You are more than enough, and you deserve so much better than me."

He hurried to say, his hands coming to your cheeks, gently stroking them with his thumbs. The concerned look on his face grew rapidly in a desperate, frightened one.

"That doesn’t feel like it. If it was the case, you’d have turned around. Soccer had always been your main interest, and I’ve always been the second. I don’t want to be with a guy that prefers a sport to his own partner."

ISAGI YOICHI had never experienced so much fear in a lapse of time this short. His heart skipped multiple beats - maybe it stopped completely, heavy. He heard the blood rushing in his veins, in his ears, as if the pulsations were the applause of a whole stadium; it was deafening. His breath hitched, goosebumps painting themselves on his clothed arms. Don’t go.

The choice was all yours, now.

↳ Your mind kept telling you that he wasn’t feeling any regret, that he wasn’t really sorry. If this situation presented itself again, he would pick the same decision, leaving you alone, completely by yourself in this stupid restaurant, below the pitiful looks of the waiters, probably whispering at each other who could even stood you up like that. He put distance in your relationship since weeks, months even, ghosting you when he was too tired to send you at least one text to let you know that he loved you still. Regardless of his lack of attention towards you, he wasn’t even capable of respecting his own promises, as he might prefer to play soccer with his friends as usual. And you were just there, always waiting for him, in every situation, waiting for him to come home with a warm smile and a good dinner, sharing kisses, hugs and cuddles on the couch, disappointed when he was reminding you that he’d be gone again in two or three days to return to Blue Lock. You were tired of it. It wasn’t even a relationship at this point.

"I’m not a toy you can play with for some time and then abandon like it’s nothing. My patience is not infinite."

"I never said that. It was an opportunity I couldn’t miss, and I wasn’t enough thoughtful to realize about the consequences of my actions. I just hope you can forgive me for it."

You pushed his wrists away from your face, glaring at him coldly, not wanting to cry for him. You took your bag and walked past him successfully this time, opening the door without giving him a single glance; just stopping in your tracks as you reached the doorknob.

"Goodbye, Isagi. I hope you’ll become the player you desired to be for so long."

You were his motivation, the person he wanted to make proud, the person he wanted to impress when showing his new capacities and his strength. The person he wanted to come home to, everyday, as lovesick as the day before. But now, the tears were flowing silently on his cheeks, as he couldn’t process what he saw. You, closing the door behind yourself, leaving him without any chance of coming back. Because you sincerely realize how much you love someone when you actually lose them.

↳ You tried to push him away, in a faint attempt to show how much you hated him right now. But he just stared at you, his gaze never fading, and he tilted your chin up with his hand. The other went straight to your waist, pressing you against him. Your eyes and his met; and you swore you’ve never saw a fonder look in your entire life. Orbs filled with pure love and softness, enamoured unpronounceable words, a silent plea begging your forgiveness. He leaned and kissed you gently, carefully. When he finally broke the kiss, he took your hand in his and intertwined your fingers together, pressing multiple kisses on the back of your hand without breaking the eye contact you both were sharing.

"You deserve someone better, honey. And I want- no, I will become this someone, that will love you properly. I promise you this - and if I break this promise, I swear, you can kill me however you like, it’s up to you."

You bit back a chuckle, amused by his words; but on the depths of your heart, you were fully aware that he was genuine.

"I’ll never disappoint you again. You’re the love of my life, I couldn’t handle loosing you. I’m sorry for what I did, again. I’m an asshole. Really."

He kissed your forehead with so much tenderness, a tenderness you missed during his long absence. He peppered kisses on your face, his grip on your waist tightening, as if you were going to slip away from him. He whispered something else, not daring to break the eye-contact,

"I’d rather watch the whole world burn and experience an endless suffering that having you leaving me for good."

NAGI SEISHIRO tried everything. After multiple unanswered calls and messages left on “seen”, he noticed that you’ve blocked him. He sighed, staring at his ceiling. Was it the end ? He tried to forget you, he really did. He tried to convince himself that you weren’t this important. He tried to wake-up each morning without searching for you underneath the sheets, only to find a cold bed next to him. Occupying his thoughts with games, movies, series, even soccer, wasn’t enough anymore. He needed you in his arms, and he was willing to do every single thing imaginable to get you back.

You were at one of your friend’s apartment, enjoying some time with her watching your favorite series. She left the couch to get you a drink, mumbling a quick "pause the episode, I don’t wanna miss it" before hurrying to the kitchen. You smiled, and did as she asked; until you heard a knock on the door. You frowned.

"You ordered take-out ?", you called your friend from the couch, questionably.

"Nah, I didn’t. Told you we were going to one of my friends’ restaurant this evening."

She came back from the kitchen, two glasses filled in her hands, her brows furrowed. She put them on the table, glancing at the door.

"Who is it then ?"

"Don’t know. Wait, be right back.", she quickly turned around, walking towards the door, and opening it slightly. Her face went blank in approximately 2 seconds, and she gulped.

"Um.. Well, that’s awkward."

You couldn’t hear correctly what your friend said to the stranger; you could only hear a low voice, that sounded awfully familiar. So, you decided to get up, trying to get a peek of the tall figure standing in the corridor.

Your eyes widened.

The series was long forgotten on the screen, the voices echoing between the walls, as you stared, dumbfounded, at him.

Seishiro.

Your friend shifted uncomfortably, deciding to leave you both alone for some privacy as she promptly went to her room. You didn’t know what to say. What to think. But the dark bags under his eyes, that looked stern and empty, his hair even more messy than before, gave you relatively an idea of how the two passed weeks had been for him.

"What are you even doing here, Nagi ?"

Ouch. The use of his name instead of his first name was abysmal; but a relieved sigh escaped from his lips. Finally. Your voice. It sounded so much better than your voicemail, that he had listened every night after you left him in your shared apartment.

"I’m sorry. I- I’m really, fucking sorry for what I did. I miss you, Y/N. I can’t-"

"Nagi, stop. I can’t do this right now."

You cut him instantly, trying to close the door. Well, trying, because he refrained you from doing so, laying his whole strength on the door to keep you from leaving him again.

"Please, Y/N, at least, hear me out."

His voice was pleading, begging even; as much as your heart broke with his wobbly words, you didn’t know what to think, what to say. You bit your inside cheek, wondering what to do, now that he was so close to you, after all this time.

NAGI SEISHIRO looked at you dead in the eye, his own blackish orbs watering at the sight of your frame standing in front of him. His hand wandered to your cheek, his fingertips almost grazing your smooth skin that he missed so bad, as if you were made of real porcelain. Porcelain that he’d break with only one feather touch. So he held back.

"I missed you so much," his voice broke, approaching you hesitantly. "So fucking much. I’m sorry for neglecting you and taking you for granted all the time, I’m sorry I didn’t give you the attention you deserved, the attention you needed. I need you to come back to me. I can’t live without you, baby."

Forgiving him was a tough choice. Your heart was aching at the sight of tears rolling down his cheeks. You’ve never seen Nagi cry before, at least, not cries of pain. But he hurt you, he really did. These two weeks were just obnoxious to him, but they were worse to you. Seeing his texts, his calls, deciding to block him anyway - it was laborious, to say the least, because your feelings for him were still there, haunting your mind constantly, day and night.

The choice was all yours, now.

↳ How could you just forgive him like that ? After all he did ? Sure, you meant a lot to him, but did you mean more than anything else ? You were always second, never the first, and it became clearer each day that passed that you weren’t as important as you thought you would be for him. He didn’t even made time for you in his oh-so-important schedule, focusing on soccer and his fucking games, hanging out with his friends who knows where, instead of you. He chose it. It wasn’t random. You weren’t his priority at all. Sitting patiently on the couch, staring at the door with this constant lovesick gaze, waiting for him to return to finally go on your well promised date. But he never returned. And you weren’t going to return either. It was enough.

"You know what ? You were the first thing in my mind, everyday. You always have been the first person I was thinking of in whatever situation I was in. The only voice I wanted to hear, the only person I wanted to see, the only gaze I wanted to get lost in - now don’t tell me you feel the same."

"I do-", but you immediately cut him off, anger taking the best of you.

"You’re a freaking liar. What’s the next step, uh ? You’re going to promise me you’ve changed ? You think I’m stupid or something ? I’m not naive, Nagi, I’ve never been your priority and I’ll never be."

"You don’t understand, Y/N. I’ve been busy, you’re right, but give me a second chance. I promi- I’ll not make the same mistake again, that’s for sure. I realized that you were extremely important to me, more important that I’d like to admit actually, I can’t bear seeing you without me at your side, it just hurts too much. I’m just asking for a second chance."

"As much as it hurts to say, it’s over. I’m not going to give you a second chance when I knew damn well that it’ll not change anything. If you needed time to process your love for me, I’m definitely going to give you time to process it even more."

His eyes widened when he saw you slowly closing the door, in a faint attempt of ending the discussion.

"No, wait, I beg-"

"Move on. It won’t be so difficult anyway, spend some time with your friends and your games, you’ll soon forget about me."

He was now staring at the wooden door of the apartment, tears streaming down his features. He lost you for good this time. And he finally understood how it felt to receive the same treatment that he gave you; to be abandoned by your lover when you needed them the most.

↳ Seeing him in tears didn’t really help your case. Your heart burnt, and you soon felt yourself tearing up, your vision blurred. You let out a broken sob, to which he responded with a call of your name - desperate, probably as broken as your cries - and he embraced you tightly, his nose nuzzling on your neck, sighing when he finally touched you, melting in the loveable hold he wished to feel again. He kept repeating the same apologies, the same confessions of love, hoping it’d soothe your tears.

"I don’t want to hurt you ever again," he mumbled, stroking the back of your hair gently, "I’ll never hurt you ever again.", he assured with a shaky voice.

He kissed your temple softly, still holding you close to him, your head resting on his chest.

"It’ll be the last time I’ll ever put something above you. You’re the most important thing to me - I can’t live without your presence near me all the time. I’m sorry I just realized that I needed to tell you this now. I should’ve known you deserved to hear it properly,"

"You’ll be my highest priority from now on, as it should’ve been from the very beginning, angel."

BACHIRA MEGURU was anxious. At first, he decided to give you space. He hated arguments with you, always trying to avoid them, and he thought that distancing himself might help the situation. Spoiler alert, it didn’t. Sweaty palms grabbing his phone, and immediately turning it off, utterly incompetent. He didn’t want to argue, to entertain a conflict with you; he prefered your smiles and your soft giggles in tickle fights. He missed them. The sound of your hard laughs, the look of your teasing grins. However, he couldn’t bring himself to text you, nor to call you, afraid that you’d pronounce a dry "it’s over". He couldn’t handle the pain, and avoiding it wasn’t the best idea to fix the issue. Meanwhile, it had been 3 weeks, you were now nearly convinced that your relationship with him had come to an end. No texts, no calls, no attempts to see you, you founded it weird, but you didn’t question it. It worried you a bit, yeah, but you weren’t going to chase after him if he didn’t want to talk about it. You were more hurt than worried; after all your moments together, the shared memories and the heavy feelings, he just moved on this easily ? Even though it was totally his fault ? You just scoffed when your friends asked about him, hiding your devasted state behind a mocking tone, saying it was probably over now. You waited for a message all the time, staring at the screen, angry fat tears rolling down your cheeks in frustration. What an asshole.

"You never texted them ? Bachira, are you crazy ?"

Isagi exclaimed, in utter shock. They were in his bedroom, Isagi was sitting on his bed, unable to process what Bachira just told him. The usually joyful man paced around, his face in his hands.

"I- I didn’t know what to say ! I fucked up really bad this time, I was scared of losing them."

"Man, you definitely lost them now. It’s been 3 weeks, you should’ve said something earlier !", Isagi replied, nearly strangling himself in desbelief.

"I know. What should I do ?"

"Bachira..", he sighed, biting his lip in despair, "it’s probably too late now. They’re most likely thinking that you don’t love them anymore or that you moved on."

"But I didn’t ?", Bachira whined when Isagi stood up and smacked his head, annoyed. Isagi mumbled something inaudible, probably about his naivety or his stupidness, again.

"But that’s what it looks like, bro. You stood them up, and they got no news from you, don’t be stupid. Everyone would think the same thing."

Bachira gulped. He was right. And without hesitation, he ran away from his home, heading towards your place, in hope you would accept his apologies. He never sprinted this fast in his entire life, his muscles burning, his ankles aching from the impact of his feet against the stiff concrete of the streets he was running in. The road seemed even longer than usual, and when he finally arrived on your doorstep, he was panting, his hands shaking as he hesitantly knocked. He felt nauseous. Emotions overwhelmed him when he finally saw your form opening the door with a worried look.

"Meguru ? What are you even doing here ?"

He immediately took you in his arms, his head buried in the crook of your neck, breathing-in your comfortable scent, relieved. You yelped in surprise, not reciprocating the hug.

"I missed you so much."

He muttered, still trying to catch his breath. You frowned, surprised by his presence.

"It had been 3 weeks, Meguru. It’s a bit late to come here."

"I know. I should’ve come earlier. I’m so sorry, Y/N. Please, forgive me ? I promise I won’t do it again !"

BACHIRA MEGURU didn’t want to let go of you, choosing to hold you even tighter, letting his tears soak your shirt. He couldn’t care less about crashing your bones with just arms; if it was possible, he’d live in your skin. That seemed creepy, to say the least, but he enjoyed over-proximity with you, and he couldn’t bear to be apart from you anymore.

The choice was all yours, now.

↳ After 3 weeks, seriously ? You pushed him off of you, clearly not amused by his whines. You just felt anger, disappointment, embarrassment.

"Meguru, you left me alone for 3 weeks straight, and now you’re coming unannounced as if it was actually common ?"

"You don’t understand, Y/N !! I was too anxious of your reaction after our argument. I didn’t know how to deal with the guilt I felt, I didn’t know how to apologize properly.."

"No, you don’t understand. You really think that ghosting and ignoring people as if they never existed was a solution ? I should be the one to do that, not you. You’re always avoiding conflict and I’m so sick of it."

"I know-"

"No, you don’t !", you sneered, taking a long breath to soothe your nerves, "You never did. You haven’t remembered our anniversary - and it’s not the only thing you’ve forgotten along the way. You never took our conversations seriously, you never put any attention in our memories and our celebrations for them. I don’t want to be with someone who’s not even capable of being mindful of our important moments together and of our special dates. If it’s not important to you, alas, it is for me. I won’t give up another thing, especially if it’s something that is dear to me."

"It’s important for me, I swear. I just don’t know how to show it correctly."

"Then learn. But you can count me out."

You opened the door, leaving a broken Bachira behind, reaching after you. But you turned to stop him, giving him a quick nod, a silent no. The weak smile on your face shushed the golden-eyed boy. And he understood.

"I wish you the best, Meguru."

↳ You bit your inside cheek. Always giving promises he couldn’t keep, with a beam and butterfly kisses. And as much as you loved him, you didn’t know if you could tolerate it again, if your heart could handle another betrayal.

"You’re always promising the same things, but you’re never actually changing.", you argued.

"I can. I know I disappointed you, and you have every right to be upset. I’m trying my best, learning to manage my feelings and my habits is hard and tough, but I’ll do it for you. I’m really trying, Y/N,", he said, his voice breaking slightly, "I’m not used to this. It’s- you’re my first love, and I really hope you’ll be my last. I don’t have any experience in terms of relationships. If dates are important to you, I’ll make all the efforts in the world to make them special and memorable. I want to grow old with you, so please, give me one last chance to prove you that I’m worth it."

You hesitated for some seconds. He wasn’t the type to lie, and right now, he sounded strangely serious. It felt out-of-character, but you needed it to actually make up a decision.

"Fine. But it’s your last chance.", you finally whispered,

"Yes ma’am. Trust me on this one, I’ll make you proud of my work."

He sighed, relieved, immediately peppering your face with kisses. You giggled, trying to push him away.

"Gosh, I missed this sound. Oh- and I’m taking you on a date after; that’s the least I can do. I love you to the moon and to saturn, Y/N. Thank you for everything."

[elainsgirl]

if the next book is really about the valkyries with gwyn at the centre, i’m sorry but that’s just terrible writing. it makes zero sense for sarah to write a book about nesta and her friend group yet again, when elain hasn’t even had her time to shine. why don’t they keep her name out of their mouths and throwing insults left and right about her. really tells you a lot about their shitty ass behaviour. i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again: they don’t care about elain. if they did they’d know she doesn’t want to leave the night court. her family, her friends, her home. azriel, even. and she certainly won’t leave for lucien, or with him. it’s like they’re projecting their wants for her/on her because if she leaves then she’s away from azriel, (the man she canonically wants and is romantically interested in but they again choose to ignore that and close their damn eyes.) and if that happens then azriel can find his real mate, right?

i swear they have selective reading and it really grinds my gears when they accuse us of doing shit or spewing nonsense when it’s literally fucking canon. right there on the page. sjm said it was obvious, like, how the hell can you just twist her words like that and think acotar 6 will be about azriel with a side character who he has shown no interest in besides being a friend mentor? they’re projecting hard and it shows. it’s not that difficult to think that the book will be about the third archeron sister with the third bat boy, and hints were left in previous books. what’s not clicking? or is their hatred for elain blinding them?

sorry i’m just… really upset right now 😂😭

Awe anon, there’s no need to be upset:

Here’s reasons why the next book can’t be about the valkryies:

Each spinoff is a standalone, interconnected through plot only. Meaning you will be able to go from acofas -> acotar 5 without reading acosf as you can do with most interconnected standalones, think of the Twisted series by Ana Huang. However, if the next book is about the valkryies…by default you would have *had* to read acosf, another reason why Gwyn cannot be an FMC, this defeats the purpose of it being a standalone.

HOFAS - Leans into the prison and made weapons plot, something the valkryies aren’t needed for nor apart off.

This quote by the end of acosf is literally telling you what is to come:

Do you see the Illyrian plot mentioned here? The valkryies can be useful in war as a fighting unit but that doesn’t require an entire book on them.

Now it is repetitive and bad writing for the next book to basically be the same as acosf instead of focusing on the million other subplots Mass has going on. Through Elain, she can explore a new friendship dynamic, a role, a new training scene etc.

Yeah, we’ve all known since forever that they dont care about Elain. 9/10 out of them are fake and only see Elain as a way to get a Lucien pov and take her away from Azriel. If they actually paid attention, they know their interpretation of Elain doesn’t align with canon. I mean…they listened to her when she claimed she didnt kill the king yet ignore Elain when she said she doesn’t want a mate and the NC is her home w Nuala and Cerr as her friends. They pick and choose what fits their narrative hence why its always changing and antis have come up with so many different plotlines for the next book as well as contradicting each other. On the other hand, if you look at elriel, elriels have always been consistent with their plots, characters, theories and takes.

Eluciens use Elain as a self-insert and project THEIR love and attraction for Lucien onto her which is why they claim she’s losing her boldness and shrinking back because “she just cant handle how down bad she is for him” which makes no sense but its not like they care. And we also know they have selective reading comprehension because they’re STILL arguing that Elain didnt kill the king despite the literal Publishers disagreeing w them.

They’re rlly being bitter about elriels just existing and enjoying the interactions from BB. Calling us toxic and spamming the comments when in reality we’re just excited because this is a lot of interaction we haven’t gotten before meaning something must be coming from Sarah. They hate the fact we’re bringing up elriel…when the brackets included elriel but also elain and az are part of the OG series and have had many iconic moments there.

mhm, pairing Az with a side character we’ve just met is crazy. This whole “21 chapter” thing should tell you how careful and considerate Mass is with her foreshadowing and connections, there is no way Mass would have introduced Azriels mate/Li in a spinoff, Gwyn would have been introduced much earlier. I mean…emerie was in acofas. I think there is a lot of attention on the wrong side character.

Mass laid it out clearly in the bonus: “Tell me how 2 brothers of mated to 2 sisters whilst the 3rd is given to another?” Is thats not blatantly telling you that, in a series where the theme of 3 is very significant, 3 brothers will end up with 3 sisters. Its obvious as Mass said it would be.

[slothkittfunsies]

Deep Dive into the issues on Alastor.

CONTENT WARNING: Racism, Aphobia.

Now that I created a blog specifically for stuff like this, It's time for the dive.

Alastor is a character that resonates with me, because this guy is supposed to represent me and my people (aspec/aroace community) and I liked his pilot personality. (That went to shit)

This man got so many issues, that i have to take the pen myself and scribble what Vivzie has wrote. So, Let's start, shall we?

THE DESIGN

The first time I saw the Hazbin pilot, I got confused about what Alastor was supposed to be. I thought he was just a grey human wearing some kind of animal ears until the fandom said he is a deer.

A deer. Let that sink in.

(Images for comparsion)

As someone passionate about the arts, this upset me. Sure, I haven't been to art school, but even I know you need to put the backstory and features in mind when designing a character.

Character design is NOT throwing things at the wall and seeing which sticks. It needs actual critical thinking. If your audience is confused about your character's species, it's time to go back to the drawing table (unless you have a reason for making it mysterious.)

Second, the overabundance of red is awful in terms of color theory. This guy is in Hell, which is also red, causing an eyesore. I got a headache when trying to focus on him on a red background. And also, colors have meaning. People associate red with danger, so the fact he even managed to get victims to kill makes me puzzled.

Also, the fact he's supposed to be mixed/black makes this design even worse. Why is he grey instead of brown, perhaps? Vivzie has a pattern of making POCs grey-skinned, which is, again, awful.

I think Vivzie only made him a POC due to the voodoo issue. I mean, just remove the symbols and you are done. But nah the symbols are too "aesthetic" to remove. So gotta change his race.

She could have used another symbols, like THIS for example:

Since, you know, he's the "Radio Demon"?

THE BACKSTORY

Ok, this where I'm very confused.

Alastor is a radio host, and also a serial killer. He was born in the USA, got killed by a deer hunter by mistake, and lived in the 1920's.

This is what I gathered from being a superfan back then, and it sounds unorganised/cluttered. And the years he lived in make his design even worse. (Again! His clothing doesn't speak the 1920s!)

The fact he's from an old era, and yet speaks in modern slang is weird. He's supposed to hate anything modern, and yet he does it anyway? His saying "fuck" multiple times is so out of character for him. I guess the "If made by Vivziepop" memes have some truth.

Putting the fact he's mixed, makes the backstory more confusing. How did he manage to be a popular radio host at the time before the civil rights movement became a thing? He will have been put down like the rest of the POCs in America. Either that he's white-passing, or it's VERY difficult. Adding the fact he's a serial killer makes me think how the cops didn't get to him (the mere fact he's black should have got him questioned in 1920s America)

Now, for his identity. I'm mad he's the only aroace character in the sea of gays and bisexuals. (I'm not saying gay men and bisexual people should not have representation. I have to say that due to tumblr's piss poor reading comprehersion)

which made me go through on why Vivzie made him aroace in the first place. I don't know if this is true, but I heard she made him aroace because "he only loves himself"

Um. Here we go again with allos assuming we are non-empathic psychopaths for our lack of sexual or/and romantic attraction. I hope that's not true at all, but knowing Vivzie's past, I wouldn't be surprised.

Alastor would have been a great character if another person took care of it instead of Vivziepop. What I'm gonna say is, wasted potential.

[lovevxle]

Hi! I was wondering if you could do a vox x female reader either smut or fluff where him and the reader are arguing but vox apologizes after? (with either spiciness or cuteness)

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Words hurt.

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Vox x f!reader

cw���: cursing, arguing, threats from significant other

Summary: Vox arguing with reader, apologizing after, fluff. (let me know if smut ver. is wanted!)

a/n: sorry for losing my daily posting streak! Hope this will make up for it and hope all the Vox simps like ittt<3

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Vox was a busy guy. He owned the most popular business in all of Hell, so of course he had a lot on his plate. Owning a business comes with stress. LOTS of it. He would often come home angry and instead of taking his anger out on the cause, he would take it out on you. You hated when he yelled, spoke rudely, even lay his hands on you.

One night, as he had just gotten home, he was shaken up as always. He throws his coat across the room and kicks off his shoes. You come down to greet him, but as soon as you try to even kiss his cheek, you get shoved away. "Get off, bitch.." you stumble back a bit and look away. "I've had a long day and don't have time for all your shit."

"Can I ask you about your day..?" Vox rolled his eyes. "What is so fucking difficult to understand about 'I don't have time for your shit' ?" he asks angrily, getting more frustrated by the second. "I just wanted to talk to you...we never hang out or just..chat." you mumble. "You wanna know why? Because you're an annoying bimbo! You can't get simple words through your fucking head, like Satan what isn't getting up in that nut sized head of yours?!"

You flinch as he raises his voice. You hated when he did that. When he made you upset, insecure...scared even..? "You wonder why all your exes cheated on you, it's so obvious. Stupid bimbo..." Those words stung. Really bad.

You begin to feel tears sliding down your cheeks even though you try so hard to hold them in so he won't get mad. "Oh, for the mother of- will you shut the fuck up with your crying?! You're so fuckin' dramatic, grow the hell up! Want me to give you somethin' to cry about?!" he says as he raises his hand. Your eyes widen. He was about to actually lay a hand on you.

You knew that Vox could have his anger issues at timea but...this..? You quickly back away and run upstairs. "Y/n...wait- aw fuck! I wasn't actually gonna hurt you-" he gets cut off by the door slamming. He plops down on the couch and burries his face in his hands.

He fucked up.

He let you habe your space for a while, figuring you needed it. After a few hours, he walked upstairs. He knocks on the bedroom door. "Darling..?" he sees you curled up in bed. He hears a chocked sob leave your mouth as he sat on the edge of the bed. "I..uh..I.." Vox muttered. He was never good at apologies.

He mustered up a half-assed 'sorry' but reaoized that wasn't enough. "Baby, I hate when we argue..I love you with all my heart and i never want you to fear me. What I did was stupid, cruel, and straight-up wrong. Would you forgive me?"

You nod. Vox smiled and pulled you close. "I love you too" You respond shortly. It was only three words but, fuck, did it make Vox's heart pound. He blushes lightly and clears his throat. "W-well..now that that's cleared up, wanna watch a movie or something? Just to make up for what I did?"

"Of course."

‧͙⁺˚*･༓ Ars Goetia Reading Quarters (masterlist)

‧͙⁺˚*･༓Become apart of the Ars Goetia council (taglist)

[archivalofsins]

Regarding Life, I've seen people speculate that it was actually a boutch suicide attempt rather than an accident, so there's still some moral greyness, though it's still very open-and-shut "Forgiven" here

I'm writing something that proves this isn't the case right now.

But I can easily disprove it here too. If she wanted to commit suicide why fall backwards down a measly flight of stairs instead of just jumping over the railing of the abandon buildings staircase? That's not botched she wasn't even trying to die at that point.

This building is abandoned as hell and blocked off she sneaks into it. One could say that she does this because she intend to attempt suicide but she literally just goes up there to look at the sky then gets woozy for overexerting herself due to the fact she's pregnant and all the walking she was doing is not advisable under the circumstances she was in.

We've seen her be implied to have dizzy spells and nausea before in Tear Drop she's resting from one while out with a client.

She is literally shown tripping at the climax of Umbilical,

Like that's a thing they choose to animate.

Beyond that I don't understand what is so hard to believe about a girl going through a pregnancy- Who has just overexerted herself greatly climbing a bunch of steps prior to this and forcing her way into a blocked off area,

Just to walk all the way to this abandoned building then through it to climb more fucking steps,

With no signs of taking a break, drinking or eating anything after already having one bout of nausea earlier in the day and throwing up mind us all-

She throws up a clear liquid here so the only thing in her right now is that baby and maybe water. She has no food on her stomach. We don't see her get any either.

Then she almost faints at the literal train station before the train arrives too-

Visualized through her literally losing herself falling out off her own body. Just for her to get to her stop and go nah let me walk a few more miles I need some time to think by myself. I don't see what's so difficult to believe about a 15-16 year old going through pregnancy for the first time who has not told anyone that she is going through this doing literally everything a person is not supposed to while pregnant fainting from overexertion.

It makes complete sense to me that she did just faint and she is just in her because she considers this murder. Which skill issue on her part I would just consider that an awful time for everyone involved and I don't know talk to someone about it.

Usually people have some sort of counseling after losing a pregnancy. Yet, she went right back to school like nothing happened and no one knew anything happened because she didn't tell them.

Her reports and songs serve to highlight that she has issues with expressing her emotions to others, letting anyone close, and telling people things she knows may upset them.

"Those days, in a word is, I’m just me, no right or wrong to it. But honestly it was all fun, him and him, all of them kind. The only thing annoying was the occasional, I love you’s." "“WARNING, do not mix”, let’s keep love and lust separate, ok? It’s only fun where you can stand, you drown once you go out to sea. Feelings like love, they always felt ick- Cuz the moment you have it, it changes on you, no? Keeping a safe distance, let’s just stay the same. For everyone’s sake, but mostly for me."

She frames Umbilical and Tear Drop as being discussions between her and someone else but she never actually had those discussions. Because like she said way back she lies for no reason it's not because she cares about herself or others. She is just simply omitting shit which is a disservice to those who care about her and herself but not a crime comparable to murder.

Milgram Report on Yuno Kashiki,

Yuno told no one, no one caught on, that she had turned to ice.

Plus the report explains this as well stating,

Yuno had been skilled at reading people from a young age. She knew instinctively what she should say and how she should act to make the adults around her happy.

Then later elaborating more on how this instinctive understanding of human nature, this aware caused her to close herself off or,

The reality of this society, made up of what people say and what they actually mean bored and wearied her immensely, gradually robing her body of its warmth.

"I won't be bothered..."

Stop trying to have connections at all and keep others at a distance in fear of getting hurt and losing that. The same way that Haruka feared people changing on him due to suffering that sort of loss prior to coming to Milgram.

"Keeping a safe distance, let’s just stay the same. For everyone’s sake, but mostly for me."

She was always willing to care for those around her like her friends and family. Yet she wasn't willing to let them do the same for her and tell them when she was having a problem. When she felt like things were to much, didn't know what to do, or was simply just lonely.

Admittedly I wish it was deeper than this. I do hate the framing of conflating miscarrying to murder. However, just because that's Yuno's perspective on it doesn't mean she's right or that's how anyone working on the series feels about this for that matter.

It's just not my thing. I still don't give a fuck about that baby regardless if it was aborted or this was a miscarriage I don't care that's none of my business. I'm not about to be a participant in her weird self-punishment thing. This is honestly pathetic and I love being around people who immediately went yeah this is pathetic let's ignore it.

Sorry, but not fucking really. I expect a murder when I'm told I'm dealing with murderers that Jackalope literally says could be monsters in the very first voice drama.

"There's a possibility all these prisoners are all monsters, who could eat us up."

Not oh damn my contraceptive that I used fucked me over and now I'm a murderer by this places standards because I have the desire to punish myself for what I did and view myself as a killer on par with the puppy basher, the cat skinner, the kid strangler Haruka Sakurai.

Like the only thing this shit can be is funny. It's not deep she didn't kill a man she is in here because of what they showed- She got on the train for this shit she stuck her train card that said Milgram on that scanner and said sign my ass up I deserve to be judged and brutally. She went I don't deserve rights or to be near pure people like Haruka I'm too dirty.

Like okay lmao... Alright, those are the standards you live by kind of serious for a person who tells others not to be so serious but we all gotta be hypocrites sometime, somehow.

Beyond that sorry bout that. Um yeah the report says she fainted. It says she passed out. Like it states that. The visuals from previous videos and what we see happen over the course of the Life music video support this.

Then the nail in this sleeper of case coffin where no murder is to be found no intent to harm is to be found the report ends on this,

With her thoughts in disarray, Yuno loses consciousness and falls down a flight of stairs. The mother survives, and the new life is lost.

Haruka's brought up him strangling another child. Went over his mental process after committing such a heinous act his remorse. It didn't mention her being suicidal once.

Sadly moral greyness cannot exist in an accident that is just an accident. An accident is one of the most neutral actions that can exist. Sure they have consequences, repercussions that one can feel bad about after the fact. That does not change that accidents are accidents. Things that are done by mistake where the party involved never intended to do them.

I'm fine with calling this case wrapped because honestly it is. That is a wrap. Let's get this set cleaned up and hope some of these guys are at least doing crime. They just caught this bitch slipping and put her in here. That's wild Mikoto could be in here for thought crimes now. That's fucking ridiculous but so many people just got what they'd been asking for- Anything and everything being murder and now people want to return to sender naw stand on that.

Stand on that. This is what you came for savor it let the taste sink in. All everyone ever wanted. I'm happy for you I really am. I am having the time of my life with this one lmao be careful what you wish for I guess. Now people wanna be like maybe she did have some ill intent and that's why she's here. Hey a lot of people wanted to say that someone who can conceive a child not carrying that child to term is murder and Milgram agrees.

Bask in being right about that actually. Bask in it because that shit is funny. I can't say anything except man it never felt so good to be wrong. It's never felt so good to overcomplicate something so much that what you're given pales in comparison. It is wild you can only get this type of thing from Milgram.

We really don't know what will pop out now. Maybe Mu just imagined stabbing her victim and she did nothing either. With all the shit they put in Yuno's song that have no explanation I would not doubt it.

This is about to get fun. I now have to sit here and be like well who has actually committed murder. Right now it's just Haruka and Amane because she killed Shidou we can't even say she killed her mom anymore maybe she just thinks she did. Who are we to say- maybe Purge March was just her going I fucking wish I did it.

But no absolutely be real weird way to kill herself honestly.

I can now go

Yuno's story simplified,

Yuno: I'm sorry mommy fell on you- Mommy feels real bad about it... Milgram: Not bad enough. Jail for you. Yuno: I deserve this. I deserve worse actually. Audience: What the fuck???

Please don't take that away from me by making this something it is not.

[spacesapphi]

"Moving Forward, Spiraling Downward Chapter 17- Reunion"

First of all, I want to apologize for the wait. It's been a difficult time recently and writing this fic actually made things a lot worse for me. Rest assured that I am still continuing this. I just needed a bit of a break for my own mental health. Thank you all for reading and your patience.

CWs in this chapter for talks about addiction, suicide, and mental health, the events of Shanes 6 heart event, and a hospital setting

Summary: After that fateful night at the cliffs, Shane finds himself in a spot somewhere between life and death. He must confront his fears and vices, along with three people he misses most, and figure out exactly how to move forward from here. The chance to take back his life is given to him, and he must decide what to do with it before it's too late.

AO3 Version Here

Tumblr Version Below the Cut

 “It’s so nice to see you again, sweetheart,”

Shane tried to speak, tried to do anything, but his mind just wouldn’t let him. Frozen, still as a statue, he just stared Mona down in complete awe… maybe even fear. It had been so long, he didn’t even know how to feel. He was happy, yes, but also incredibly, utterly confused and upset. How else was he supposed to react to seeing her after decades, especially like this? Mona didn’t seem to be impressed by his reaction however, furrowing her brow and frowning in a rather annoyed manner.   

“Oh come on, it’s been this long and you can’t even greet your mother?” she asked, approaching Shane with open arms. He froze at the feeling of her embrace. It was warm, it felt real. Was this real? Did he want it to be? His mind was racing a mile a minute, heart ready to beat out of his chest. This was so overwhelming, he couldn’t handle it a moment longer. He felt ready to vomit from pure panic. Pulling away from her, he held up his hands defensively, trying to protect himself from… something. What that ‘something’ was, he didn’t know.

“What the hell is going on?! Why are you acting like this is normal, I-” Shane looked around at the trio before him, obvious distress in his face and body language. Jason’s smile fell, a much more serious expression replacing it now. He stood and approached his friend, holding up his hands in a cautious manner, “It’s okay man, don’t panic,”

“Just tell me what’s going on! Why- how are you here? What the fuck is this?!”” Shane demanded, scared as ever. How was he supposed to calm down now? The last thing he knew he was dying, and now he was here? With all of his passed loved ones? His tone softened just for a moment, a realization dawning on him, “... Am I dead?”

“No, not right now, it’s….” Jason stopped for a moment, pursing his lips. He had no idea how to explain what was happening to Shane, and feared attempting to would only confuse him further. But seeing that terror in his eyes, that deep fear, he just knew he needed to, “You’re not really dead… but not exactly alive, either. Does that make any sense?”

It, in fact, did not make sense. At least, not at first. Shane took a moment to look around the room, fully taking in his surroundings. The decorations hung through the room were identical to the way they’d been placed at that fateful Winter Star party years ago, before everything got to this point. All of the sensations around him brought him peace, reminding him of a time before the fighting and destruction. And now, the people he missed most were standing in front of him. This was a grand construction of everything he longed for, granting him the smallest bit of comfort in such a dire situation. But even that comfort wasn’t enough. The bitter knowledge of his reality outweighed this fantasy entirely. Shane was dying, and there was nothing he could do.

—----------------------

The back of the clinic was so sterile and unfeeling. The nauseatingly bright white walls and incessant buzz of the lights above were enough to give Marnie a headache. In any other situation they would. But right now, her focuses were set on something much different. Shane lay in one of the old clinic beds, silent and still. Marnie refused to leave his side, intently watching the rise and fall of his chest, terrified it could stop at any moment. Sitting on the stiff bench to his side, she held his hand, relieved to feel it had warmed up again. But that relief was short lived, entirely outweighed by the soul-crushing guilt on her shoulders. She wasn’t the only one to feel that way either. 

At her side stood Mohle, who hadn’t said a word since they’d arrived. Their mind was racing, filled with panic and guilt. In their heart, they felt like part of this had to be their fault. They hated how difficult it was to pick up on intricacies and social cues, cues that could have clued them in to how bad things were. They knew they couldn’t help it, it was just how their mind worked. But now more than ever they wished they could. Shane was depressed, that much they knew. He hadn’t exactly made that a secret since they’d moved back to town. But to think he would do something like this… they couldn’t have even dreamed of it. Perhaps they were still in shock from the previous night, perhaps their mind was still far too clouded. But everything, all of this, felt so inconceivable. They remembered back to when they were young, how happy he used to be. He never acted like this, not even in his darkest moments. The world had changed him beyond recognition, stole away their friend’s joy. To think that they may never see him like that again, it was impossible to wrap their mind around.

And Marnie… oh, Marnie felt like the most despicable woman on Earth. The conversation from the previous night continued to ring in her head. She had been quick to anger, defensive as ever, and lashed out in a way that was entirely inexcusable. To know that her words and actions made him feel like a burden, made him feel like he ruined her life, she just couldn’t forgive herself for it. She knew for a fact that if she hadn’t said those things last night she wouldn’t be sitting in this waiting room now. Her nephew wouldn’t be fighting for his life. 

But as much as they felt this soul crushing guilt, they were also victims of the situation. Everyone in that clinic was. There was no single person to blame, no individual situation to call back to. No one there was an enemy, nor a villain. Time and circumstance itself was the aggressor. A grand, complicated butterfly effect of tragedies had led up to this very moment, a wide collection of situations all compiling to this grand climax. No single person was to blame, but everyone was suffering the consequences. And that was the worst part.

Marnie finally broke the silence that weighed in the air, “I wish I had seen this coming… I should have known…” 

“It can be hard to catch,” Mohle mused sadly, “Sometimes things like this just hap-”

“I should have known!” Marnie repeated, much louder this time, a bitter venom in her voice, “I didn’t see it coming with Mona, and I didn’t see it again… How can I be so blind to this?”

No one had an answer, not even herself. She guessed that perhaps she just didn’t want to believe it could happen. No one ever wanted to think of something so awful happening to family. Why would they? But looking back on it, the signs were so obvious to her now. This past year had been a progressive breakdown of Shane’s entire spirit and being. She hardly recognized her nephew anymore at this point. She remembered the days where he’d smile so brightly that the sun was put to shame, the way he laughed and joked with friends, the adventures and escapades he would tell her grand stories of. She desperately wished for all of it. She wanted the person that he was back, more than anything. To see that glimmer in his eyes again, to see him love life and live it to the fullest… it was all she wanted for him.

The clacking of Harvey’s shoes on the tile floor grew louder, the ever-nervous doctor approaching with a heaping stack of papers and pamphlets in tow. He turned to look at the farmer standing by Marnie’s side, giving them an apologetic look, “Do you mind if I talk to Ms. Marnie in private for a moment?”

Mohle started to nod before Marnie cut them off, “They can stay, if they want,”

Harvey cleared his throat, trying once more to get the point across, “I really think it might be best if-”

“They can stay if they want,” Marnie repeated, her voice harsher. In truth she just didn’t want to be dealing with this alone. She was worn, entirely spent and exhausted. She needed a shoulder to cry on, someone to confide in during this time. Harvey seemed to catch the hint. He nodded and slowly sank into a chair across from Marnie, speaking in a quiet, sympathetic voice, “We had to pump his stomach, and he seems to be recovering well from hypothermia… Honestly, you’re lucky to have found him when you did. It’s a miracle that he even made it here,”

“I just need to know that he’s going to be okay…” Marnie muttered, her voice exhausted and broken. She could tell by the look on the doctor's face that the answer would be less than favorable. 

“Well… I’m not entirely sure yet. He’s not out of the woods yet, to put it simply.” he cleared his throat, gingerly grabbing a pamphlet from the stack in his hands, holding it out to Marnie, “But right now, I’m most worried about his mental health. Too much alcohol is awful for the body but this… It scares me, honestly. I know it scares you too,”

Marnie scanned over the pamphlet, finding it to be an advertisement for a well-rated psychiatrist back in the city, one who could help Shane with everything he needed. Harvey continued on, “Once he’s awake and aware, it might be a good idea to discuss treatment options with him. That doctor is a great colleague of mine, I’m sure I can put in a good word to get him an appointment,”

“Thank you…” Marnie muttered, not even having the energy or desire to continue talking. She looked back to Shane, feeling the pit in her stomach grow the longer she looked at him, “I don’t know what to do anymore. Hearing what he said at the cliffs, I just-” she closed her eyes, holding his hand just a bit tighter, “I don’t know where to go on from here,”

“... Life can be painful sometimes… But there’s always hope for a better future,” Harvey assured, “You’ve got to believe that,”

Oh how she wanted to. Who wouldn’t want to believe in a better, brighter future? But at that moment, Marnie couldn’t. She just didn’t see a bright future, not one anywhere close on the horizon. She prayed she was wrong. 

----------------------

He was dead…. Or at least dying. Or whatever the hell Jason had meant earlier.  Regardless, Shane couldn’t shake that thought and it sickened him. And the part that sickened him more was just how he felt about it. The rational part of his mind feared this outcome, screamed and begged for his life. But the other? The one that made him go to those cliffs in the first place? It was glad. This was his plan… wasn’t it? This was exactly what he wanted. But now that he had it, he didn’t know how to feel. He thought he’d feel more certain about this, that he’d have more peace. But he didn’t. It was agonizing, and oh how he hated it. 

“You know, I know it’s not the best circumstances but… I’m really happy to see you. It’s been hard only being able to watch everything going on… I wish we could be with you down there,” Jason smiled weakly, placing a hand on his shoulder. Shane just looked away from him, far too ashamed to even dare look him in the eye. Jason furrowed his brow and leaned in just a bit closer, “What’s wrong…? I thought you’d be at least a little happy to see us.”

“I am,” Shane admitted, “But how are you happy to see me?” 

“We love you, man, all of us do… Why wouldn’t we be happy to see you?”

“I think I’ve given you all enough reasons to hate me. I’ve been awful to Marnie, I’m a shitty friend, an even worse godfather, and everytime I try to get better I get worse!” Shane snapped, a deep resentment towards himself arising, “You’ve seen everything I’ve done and you don’t hate me? How?!”

The three of them just stared at him in silence, unsure how to respond. Shane just continued to ramble, unable to control his mouth, “I’ve managed to fuck up everything. You two trusted me with something so fuckin’ important and I’ve done nothin’ but mess up at every turn. I had no money, I got us evicted, I can’t stop drinkin’, and now all of this!” he threw up his hands for emphasis, “How do you not hate me?!”

Jason took a moment to find his words, his expression solemn and serious, entirely unlike him. Shane rarely saw this look even when Jason was alive, and he knew it meant he was speaking from the heart; honest, emotional, serious.

“I won’t lie. I was mad. Really mad.” Jason huffed, “Watching the way you just… gave up... Seeing how you changed like that, I could hardly recognize you… and I was pissed,”

Amelia and Mona reluctantly nodded in agreement. They had been angry at him too for all the same reasons after all. Shane looked down in shame, face flushed red in embarrassment. Jason had never spoken to him that way ever. The two had argued on occasion through the years they had been friends, and not once had Jason raised his voice like this. But he deserved to hear how angry he was, and he knew it. Jason’s voice grew just a bit louder, his tone progressively growing more frustrated.

 “Just-.... I wanted to just scream at you sometimes, Shane. Wanted to just shake you and ask what the fuck you were doing! I was mad, but-,” he sighed, closing his eyes, “I couldn’t stay that way… I couldn’t blame you,”

That he didn’t expect. Shane felt a little glimmer of reassurance in his heart, feeling just barely confident enough to look him in the eye, “What?”

“Well… I just thought about what I would’ve done in your shoes, honestly. If you and Ams died ‘n it was just me raising Jasmyne alone…. I probably would’ve done everything you did. I’m not afraid to admit that,” he shrugged solemnly, “And honestly? I don’t think you were that bad. You did a lot of really stupid shit, but…” he trailed off, tears beading at the corners of his eyes. 

“But the effort you put into raising her, the sacrifices you made, it was honorable,” Amelia continued, meeting the two of them, taking her husband’s hand, “You both went through hell and back, but we could see how much she smiled through it all, how much you tried to keep her happy… it’s no wonder you broke under all that pressure. Honestly it’s a surprise you didn’t break sooner,”

“I shouldn’t have, though,” Shane spat, feeling so incredibly disappointed in himself, “You trusted me to be a caretaker, to be able to handle all of these problems and handle them well. And I didn’t,”

“Well…” Mona spoke up again, thinking carefully, “You still have a chance to change… tomorrow can be different. The future is yours to decide, Shane,”

Shane couldn’t help but think what a joke that was. Sure, other people could change. Others could easily choose to improve themselves and follow it through. But not him. No matter how hard he tried, he just fell flat on his ass every single time, ending up worse than when he started. They had seen it with their own eyes time and time again. Why did they think he could be any different?

“I can’t…” he grumbled, “You’ve seen me try, you know how much I’ve fucked up. Why do you believe I can be any different?”

“Why not?” Mona asked. Shane tried to protest, but found himself unable to say anything. There was no excuse, nothing good enough to deny it. He resigned into himself, repeating the question in his head. Why not? Why couldn’t he do this? Shane supposed the answer was as simple as they came. He could do this. Just not on his own. That much was certain, now more than ever.

“As long as you’re alive, you have a chance to make things better. It’s going to take time, and so much effort, but you can do this,” she assured, trying to give him even a glimmer of confidence and self-belief, “But you can only do that if you decide to keep on living,”

“And you need to go back…” Amelia mused sadly, “You need to go home, Shane,”

“... Do I even deserve to?” he asked, looking at her with such conviction, scanning the expression on her face, “After everything, do I even deserve another chance back there?”

“Whether or not you think you deserve it… you need to,” Amelia confirmed, “If not for yourself… then do it for everyone else. Don’t your aunt and Jas deserve to see you alive and well? Your other friends?”

“Do they want to? Jas said she hates me,”

“She didn’t mean it-”

“I’m sure she did! Look at me, look at everything I’ve done!” he motioned to himself, “You’re the only people that don’t look at me the way everyone in that town does!”

“What are you talking about?” Jason asked, earning a bitter scoff from his friend, “They think I’m a lazy, drunk piece of shit. They won’t say it to my face, but I see those looks. They think I’m disgusting, Jason. And the worst part is that they’re right! Everytime I look in a mirror, that's all I see. And it makes me feel like a fuckin’ monster,”

“Struggling doesn’t make you a monster. Whether it’s with your health, addiction, whatever it is… it doesn’t define you,” Jason assured, his voice firm and passionate, “You’re one of the best people I know, Shane. You’re flawed, but that doesn’t make you a monster… it makes you human. There’s a future waiting for you, better than you could ever imagine. You just have to pursue it,”

“.... I will.” Shane reluctantly agreed. He hated feeling vulnerable and stupid like this. Everything they said should have been so obvious to him, but he couldn’t see it. He never did. But now, for the first time, he thought he did. No matter how desolate, how broken he felt, there was always tomorrow. There was always another chance to do better. And he would do better. For them, for his family, for his friends… but also for himself. They all deserved better, but so did he. He deserved happiness, good health, a good life. He wasn’t the monster he felt he was. His trauma and struggles didn’t define him, and he wouldn’t let them do so anymore. It was taking some time to get used to that thought, a bit of reluctance holding him back from fully realizing the worth of self-love. He already struggled to believe that others loved him without condition. But in the meantime, he would at least do this for everyone else. He would give them the Shane they deserved to see in their lives, no matter how difficult that would be.

“And hey… better not see you back here for a while, alright? Live a good life, a long one,” Jason mused, fighting back a sniffle. He hugged his friend tight, his embrace and body language betraying his words. He himself didn’t want to let him go. He wanted him to stay. As much as Shane missed him, Jason missed him even more. Shane was his best friend, his brother, and he longed for him to stay here… even though he knew he couldn’t.

Shane gave him a sarcastic smirk, “You just want to make fun of me for being an old man someday, don't you?”

“Hell yeah, I do,” Jason let out a little snort laugh, one Shane had missed dearly. His heart panged just at the sound of it again. That laugh, that smile… he hadn’t realized just how much he longed to have them back in his life. Jason just shook his head as he smiled, hugging him just a bit tighter, “You know me so well, man… Can’t wait for it,”

Shane couldn’t help but laugh as well, feeling a warm, safe feeling arise in him as Amelia and Mona joined in for the embrace. He didn’t want to let them go. He wished that they could come back alongside him, that all of this could be over, that they could go home and be a big family again. But they couldn’t, and they wouldn’t. When he woke up they would be gone again, and oh how it broke his heart. He let out a shuddery sigh, feeling his cheeks grow wet with tears, “I don’t wanna lose you again… I don’t wanna go,”

“You have to, though,” Jason whispered, “You got a whole life ahead of you, man…”

“I know…”

“You got a lot of people waiting for you back there too, they all need you… Especially Jas. She needs her dad, Shane,”

Shane pulled back and shook his head, stuttering over his next words, “No, Jay, I can’t-.... I can’t steal that from you, it’s not fai-”

“Shane.” Jason interjected loudly, shocking him into silence. He smiled weakly, feeling himself grow choked up, his throat clenching, “It’s okay… There’s no one else I’d want to take on that title… we made you her godfather for a reason,”

“Just make sure you tell her we love her, alright?” Amelia asked, “Make sure she knows that,”

“And be good for Marnie, will you?” Mona added.

“I will… I promise…” 

The four of them embraced for the last time, Shane finally content to resume his life, finding himself with a newfound confidence, a new charge to keep him afloat for at least a little longer. He would live a good life, he would have a wonderful legacy, a loving family. And then one day, when it was his time, he’d see them again. But he still didn’t feel ready to let go. He didn’t want to, not yet at least. There was just one last thing, one thing holding him back from being ready. The more he tried to ignore it, the stronger the feeling grew, and he couldn’t handle it anymore. 

“.... Wait-”

Shane opened his eyes once more, finding now that just he and Mona stood there, alone in that lonely ranch house. It was silent, the tv screen turned to snow, the record having stopped. He just looked at his mom, feeling his eyes turn glossy, hot tears stinging at the edges. Truly he tried his best to speak, but again the words just wouldn’t come out. There was just so much. Where would he even start? He’d lived an entire life without her there, after all. She could see him growing more and more distressed by the moment, feeling guilt begin to eat at her.

“I’m sorry, you know,” she started, “I know it was hard for both of you,”

“What happened to you?” Shane finally asked, “Mar-.. Aendi never told me. Just told me you were stressed and… was it me? She said it wasn’t, but I need to hear it from you…”

“Oh… oh no, of course not,” Mona assured, “It’s so much more complicated than that,”

“Then what happened?” Shane repeated. He breathed out harshly, closing his eyes tight in frustration, “I just have so many questions. What happened to you, who my dad is, I just-... there’s just so much I wanna know,”

“She didn’t tell you for a reason,” Mona’s tone was suddenly more solemn and regretful. She motioned for Shane to sit beside her, taking his hand gently, “These things… they’re difficult… It's always been difficult. Our entire family is just stuck in this damned vicious cycle. We’ve all given up our dreams for responsibility, we’ve all lost so much…” 

Mona couldn’t bear to look him in the eye, holding so much hurt in her heart. Lowering her gaze, she muttered brokenly, “And it hurts so much to see you do the same as me. To feel this desperate you just want to end things,”

She held his hand a bit tighter. Shane didn’t respond, but she could tell by the look on his face what was on his mind. Shock and sorrow was etched into every crevice of his expression. It made him feel a bit more at peace, in some twisted, awful way. To know he wasn’t the only one struggling with this in this family, it gave him just a bit of peace of mind. Part of him felt awful, selfish even, for feeling that way. But even still, finally knowing the truth, and knowing he could relate to that truth made him feel like less of a failure.

“I know what it’s like to feel like this. Life can be so isolating when you just watch everyone pass you by, smiles on their faces when you feel so fucking miserable,” Mona spat out, shocking Shane with the profanity, “Anger and resentment at them and life just builds up until you can’t handle it anymore. Doing the right thing and fulfilling your responsibilities can be one of the loneliest things in the world… especially when it comes at the expense of your dreams.”

“Did you ever regret it?”

“In life, I did,” Mona admitted, “But looking back on everything now… no. I don’t. I may have struggled, but there was some good that came out of it… Do you regret this?”

Shane thought back on the past few years. In the span of such a short amount of time he’d grown so much, learned so much. He learned how to be a father, learned how to accept some help. He was forced to grow and change, and though the growing pains were quite literally killing him, he knew in his heart that it would all be worth it. Something good would come out of all of this someday. When that day was he didn’t know, but it would come to be. And with that, he knew his answer. 

“I don’t,”

They sat in silence for a moment, mulling over their words. Shane noticed they sat the exact same way, hunched over in their seat, hands folded nervously and resting in their laps. He felt he finally understood what Marnie meant when she said he reminded her so much of his mother. The demeanor, body language,  their actions, that sailors mouth, he shared it all with her. And right now, if he didn’t choose to continue on, they’d share the same fate. With that thought, Shane could only imagine the turmoil Marnie was going through in the moment, and the guilt was eating him alive. He had to go back, he knew he needed to. But he also wanted to stay here. His friends, his mother, they were all here. The idea of the afterlife that gave him such peace was real, and it was in his grasp. But he had to lose part of his family to gain back another, no matter what he decided to do. He lost just as much as he won, and the decisions were becoming hard to weigh.

“You need to go now, Shane,” Mona stated, almost as if she could read the thoughts churning in his mind, “You’ve spent enough time here,”

He furrowed his brow, a frustrated expression on his face, “I finally get to see you all again and now I have to lose you again too… How is that fair? How am I supposed to just go back now?” he huffed, feeling himself grow overtly-emotional yet again, “How do I keep on living when some of the people I love most and all my dreams are gone?”

 “I don’t think I’m the best person to ask that… am I, Shane?” 

He opened his mouth to protest, but quickly found himself unable. He just shook his head in silence, letting the tenseness in the air overtake the conversation yet again. Mona sighed softly, “You’ll figure it out someday, I know you will… You’ve become such a resilient, strong young man. I can only thank your aunt for that. She did such a good job with you,”

“She did, didn’t she?” Shane let himself smile just a bit, finding Mona giving him the same one in return, “She never planned for this life, but she was such a good mother�� better than I could have been, really. Can you tell her that for me?” 

“Of course, momma,”

Mona pulled him into another hug, holding him tight, “And stop givin’ her such a hard time, will you? I think we’ve both given her enough trouble to last a lifetime,”

“No promises,” Shane joked, earning an annoyed huff from his mother, “You better fix that attitude Shane Aaron Y-”

“I’m jokin’!” he assured, feeling his heart jump just a bit at being called his full name. That always meant trouble, after all. He held her a bit tighter, changing his tone to a serious one more fitting to the situation, “I’ll be good, honest,”

“That’s all I needed to hear…” Mona muttered, “I love you, Shane,”

“I love you too,” 

And then, just like that, Shane was on his own again. Everything around him faded away. The ranch, the music, and his family. It was an intensely bittersweet feeling. He knew he’d see them again someday, but he just missed them even more now. The right decision was made now, but that didn’t make this hurt any less. 

The next time he opened his eyes, he was no longer at some odd version of his home. In fact, he didn’t really recognize any of his surroundings, actually. His vision was still blurred, slowly going into focus as he awoke. Everything was sterile and white, save for the blue privacy curtains hanging from the ceiling. An overhead light buzzed obnoxiously, annoying him into full consciousness. The clinic, that’s all this could be. 

There was a dull pain pulsing through his entire body, the peak of it centered around his throat. It burned with a fiery intensity, each breath drawing in a tight, dry pain that made him flinch. He could barely remember what had happened that landed him here. The last clear thing in his mind was the argument back at home, but after that? It was all bits and pieces, really. But based on what he could remember, maybe that was a good thing.

He looked to his side, finding the nightstand next to his bed absolutely overflowing. Decorated sympathy cards from people around town, flower arrangements, little trinkets and the like all covered it. He was surprised, to say the least. How many people had visited him? Did that many people here really care that much? And how long had he been out? Peering past one of the larger arrangements he saw Marnie sitting there, perched in an uncomfortable hospital chair, completely unaware that he had awoken.

She looked absolutely miserable. Marnie was still dressed in her clothes from the night of the fair, that dark purple dress and warm shawl. Her hair had fallen out of its signature braid, resting on her shoulders in an unkempt manner. Dark circles hung below glossy eyes, a lack of sleep obvious on her face. In one hand she held the Book of Yoba, silently reading over a passage as she sat. With the other she gently held his hand, doing her best to be careful of the iv stuck inside it. She had refused to leave the clinic for even a minute since he’d been brought in, resigning herself to that chair for what felt like forever, intent to not leave that room

Shane desperately wanted to call out to her, but found his throat swollen and pained. He could barely make a noise, even the hoarsest whisper. All he could do was lightly squeeze her hand, a limp and weak gesture. But it was enough to grab her attention. Marnie jumped, letting the book fall to the floor as she turned her attention to him. She was stuck between showing how overjoyed she was and trying to give him the quiet he needed. It was overwhelming, and all she could manage to do was cry, holding onto him tightly.

“Yoba, it’s been days, I’ve been so worried! Are you comfortable, do you need anything?” She was practically speaking a mile a minute, a frantic tone to her voice, “Anything, anything you need!”

“I’m-” Shane’s voice crackled, hoarse from non-use, “I’m so sorry…” 

Marnie’s face softened, her eyes filled with so many emotions. Regret, relief, and empathy to name only a few. It was impossible to explain exactly how she was feeling at the moment. The only thing that was sure was the overwhelming relief she felt seeing him awake after so long. She gave him a weak smile, hugging just a bit tighter, “I’m sorry too,”

There, in that moment, none of what had happened mattered anymore. Both of them understood that far too much time had been focused on the past, agonizing over what had been rather than what could be. The anger and frustration that had built over the past two years began to crumble away. There was much work to be done for a bright future. It would take time to repair this family and move on. But all of this had been a sign, a wake up call. With their sincere apologies the first steps in moving forward had been taken, and the future looked just a bit brighter.

[scummy-writes]

Life chatting and updates

I keep beating myself up for not writing as frequently anymore. It's a tossup between this being seasonal depression, a really bad prolonged depression episode, or very bluntly burnout.

There isn't a price to pay for fandom. I don't have to actively 'give' in order to participate and enjoy my time here, however I still have a gut instinct that I 'need' to. If I don't manage at least a fic once a month, then I feel awful. I feel dried up and like I'm losing the grasp on a hobby I love. It's usually the main way I can get some emotions of some sort out.

I've talked about this an unbearable amount of times. It's repeating because I haven't found a good way to work through it yet. Cutting off anons randomly (usually opened for request periods) helps significantly. I no longer get belittled for not talking to others often, or for supposedly being well known (i am not, jesus fuck.) I don't have people upset I made their fave take it up the ass, or experience an emotion that was not 100% confirmed in canon.

This next part is difficult for me to word properly, I'm sorry with how poorly this may come off.

I've tried to detach how I view my blog, but its very off and on. To be frank, there are 5.4k people following me. While I am very thankful to everyone who sticks around this blog, I stopped talking about the follower count often (with a number count) with it because I used to get people very, very mad that I was not reblogging their stuff because they thought the follower count meant a lot more than it does. They would be mad I wasn't doing xyz thing that I was 'supposed' to do with that follower count. Suddenly, my writing was supposed to be more inclusive for everyone (body types, kink/fetish interests, similar), rather than something I was sharing with others. Suddenly I was supposed to have Good Opinions on characters I didn't care about. I was supposed to be 100% canon compliant and get characters 100% right or else how dare I write them!!

Over time its fucked with me a lot. I miss posting and not being scrutinized for these stupid reasons. I miss having anon on. I miss not having ti worry about how something may sound ooc to people. I miss having fun. Every time I go without posting for a long time, its the assholes in the back of my head mocking me for it. I've been struggling on trying to rewrite that, and it's a constant failure. I'm anxious over things I should never be anxious about - not in this way. And it's frustrating and stupid.

It's frustrating repeating the same issues, and people trying their best to help, and nothing sticking in my brain. It feels awful to disappoint people in *that* regard. Another post made every other month about how depressed I am and thinking I can't write again, people trying their best to offer encouragement, and then I kinda piddle it away. I'm sorry that I am like this.

It's been bothering me more lately due to streaming. I am having a lot of fun! It's a lot of work also. I'm also going to be writing reviews on games and other projects, and how fun is that? How cool is that?

But now my blog that people know me for, and that provided me a good space to feel a little better about myself in terms of what I am capable of, is slowly dying. I dont have time to write when I desperately want to. Its taking me longer to get fanfics out because I am so anxious over writing again. Its hard to open up a word document and Just Do It because i get scared of how disappointing it will be.

Outside of that, I feel guilty writing other posts on a writing blog. I'm wondering if I need to revamp this blog to be very bluntly an otome game blog that happens to have writing on it occasionally, rather than a 'writing blog' that rarely writes. I think maybe I need to make writing less of my personality, when I've never planned to do more with it past writing fanfics.

Sigh. Thanks for reading whatever this is.

Updates:

- I've stopped modding the letters-from-ikemen server and blog. I'm still on as a writer, but I'm taking a long break. From comms to requests, most of my writing has been for other people and clearly, I am struggling with that.

- I hit affiliate on twitch 🎉 I am cautiously excited. I want to play more otomes.

- My dog gets a spinal tap tomorrow. I am very nervous of where it'll lead (this is another step in a long path of trying to figure out exactly what is wrong with him)

- I'm probably going to try revamping this blog sometime soon. Im so frustrated feeling guilty over it, I need to try something.

- people on youtube are being nice to me! Its weird exploring a new way of having fun.

- i really, really, really miss gilbert and writing about him.

[diabolikpersonals]

sorry for such a broad question but in your opinion is laito a well written character relative to everyone in diabolik? i really Want to learn more about him but i also dont want to subject myself to All That and i just want to know if he's worth reading about or just a pile of interesting plot threads thrown together for shock factor and unfulfilled thematically.

like my current personal opinion (may be wrong) is that i dont feel satisfied with the idea of yui's love or proactiveness fixing laito in any way because it doesn't mesh well with the actual ideas surrounding his character and unpacking that love is not poison goes beyond romantic love or a singular place of understanding. additionally it doesn't feel earned it feels like a chore for the player to trudge though for the sake of reading. i dont want to read laito's story that bad if it's the case yet im intrigued by the things offered by his character like the processing of the deeply visceral way csa shatters who you are

I wanted to wait till I finished his CL to answer so I'd be fully caught up with laito's routes, but that'll take too long so.....!! I might change my answer later!! lmao

[tw laito stuff, csa and suicide, yeah]

I do think Laito's a well-written character but his stuff is really difficult to get through if you have certain triggers, so it's tough to recommend. Even beyond the csa stuff, Laito is in a real hurry to die and he makes several attempts throughout the series. There's a certain unique sort of awfulness, at least for me, involving scenes where a character fails a suicide attempt and then get even more upset and desperate about it. So I understand what you mean when you say you're not excited about putting yourself through it. They were the hardest routes for me to get through too :')

A lot of earlier games suffer from endings that are like "And the two lived happily ever after, and we're not gonna unpack all that stuff!" and Laito's routes are no exception, but if you can look past that and make it to LE, I wouldn't say that Laito gets fixed. He has an ending similar to Ayato's that's like, it feels like we fixed everything but in reality we couldn't overcome the core issue! They really seem to believe that Laito absolutely can't be happy or live a normal life the way he is now. He has to die and/or rewrite his memories to be comfortable loving someone. It's up to your tastes if that's satisfying or not, but I kind of love the bittersweetness of LE endings, and the way they feel like a happy ending until you think about them a little too hard.

What's interesting is that Yui's purehearted love often hurts Laito more than it helps him. He responds to love, from Yui or from his family members, with revulsion. There's jealousy when he interacts with straightforward characters like Yui or Ayato, like "If only I could be as simple and pure as you, but nope, I can't." He's very self-aware for a diaboy, which only makes it hurt more when he keeps arriving at the conclusion that he's rotten. He definitely makes progress, which is really satisfying to see, like how he gradually allows Ayato back in his life emotionally. But as of right now, the end of his arc is so, like, "I tried, really I did! But my perspective on love is fucked and I need a hard reset! Maybe I'll be normal in the next life but definitely not this one!! Bye!"

...So, it's hard to say if you'll be happy with it. I see a lot of mixed opinions concerning the LE endings. They often give the diaboy what he wants but not what he needs, so you're left going, "Wait, I don't know about this...!" A lot of people really hate these endings, but they actually get more interesting to me the more conflicted they make me feel...and oh boy, was I conflicted about this one! :'D

If it sounds interesting to you, too, and you don't mind some pretty brutal scenes along the way, give Laito's routes a try. His HDB will definitely make you mad though lol

[spongerobertstudpants]

It's Emmerdale time!

AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH

Boy, how I wish that dream sequence was real

I love Moria's hair

I love the snide comments from the minister

Are you so sure about that John. Seems like Aiden can wake up again

So happy to know why I recognize Lewis! I'm liking his character so far

I about to say I should look up who Lewis' parent was but he answered it for me

Oh Lewis, if feel like Ross didn't tell you the full story about your mom

Those fucking medals

No, you shouldn't

Awe, the last time 🥹 He is remembering his wedding to Robert

I think I vomited a little

I think I vomited a little bit more

Oh shit I forgot that Ross knows that Moria killed his mom

I feel like Lewis would just need 2 seconds with John to realize he's a murderer

I like how Charity has a glass of wine in her hands 😂

OMG!!!!!!!! THAT WAS SUCH AN EPIC RETURN. only Robert could do something like that!!!

I'm so excited all over again!!! Our boy is back and it sounds like back for good. I did panic a little earlier that if this was for only this week, it was going to make me really upset. But, now that it has been confirmed, I just can't stop smiling 😁

So, if i didn't miss any interviews between the last time I was on and now, Robert is going back to prison. Which makes me wonder when he will be released. Will it be before John is found out or after? I would love an affair 2.0 but I also really want this John sl done for and I've only just recently started watching again.

Anyhow, it's great to see the fandom so alive again. And I'm already sucked back in and have become obsessed. This has also awakened my desire to read fics again! It got difficult the longer time that Robert was away. But we are all back baby!

[mycarebears]

Bad Omens

"Well then why didn't you leave?"

"Because that’s what you do when you love somebody. That’s what I do for you because I love you and no matter what you do to me that refuses to leave, no matter how painful. I stay for the good times, and endure the hard times. For you.”

Warnings - Yelling I suppose (It's just capitals)

Word count - 1.3K

Neutral characters (c/n is characters name)

You got out of the car angrily after getting lectured on the tone of voice you used to speak to him just moments prior, slamming the door behind you accidentally.

“And there you go again! For fucks sake y/n. Sick of your shit.” C/n shouted initially before reducing his voice down to a murmur only you could hear for the final blow.

He closed the car door gently behind him.

You stopped, shocked that he was yelling and being so rude.

Taking a deep breath in, you turned around to face him while he locked the car and rubbed a smudge off the window with his sleeve.

“What’s your problem tonight? I didn’t even mean to close it like that and you know it.”

You ask, trying to keep calm, which was becoming increasingly difficult given his cold stare, as if it was obvious why he was upset.

“You never talk to me anymore y/n, and when you do you’re cold and distant. I can never please you no matter what and when we speak you want to argue. I feel like I can’t even be around my own girlfriend anymore because you make me feel awful.”

You look at him silently. Did he really think that?

You continued to speak as the two of you walked into the house.

“Well I’m sorry but it’s not like you’re any better. You don’t even look at me anymore. When you do look at me, it’s right before you throw a discreet insult about my hair, or my makeup, or my clothes. I feel like you don’t even like me anymore.”

The look in his eyes was stoic as he shut the front door, and you could tell he was going to throw something very rough out into the open to cut through whatever skin you had built being in the relationship.

“You feel like I don’t like how you look? Is that why you’re looking elsewhere for attention?”

He threw it at you, and you didn’t quite understand what he was getting at.

“What are you trying to say c/n?”

“I know you love someone else. Why else would you be so cold towards me and make up all these lies about how I don’t like the way you look? Just because you don’t want to be here doesn’t mean I don’t.”

The pain the one statement put you in was incredible.

“Do you really think that lowly of me? Think that I would cheat on you rather than just break it off if I really didn’t want to be here?”

He looked at you, trying to read your expression, searching for the truth in your words he wanted so badly to ignore.

“Maybe. I don’t even know who you are anymore. You’re nothing like how you were when we started dating.”

Every second this went on it broke your heart more. You would never cheat on him, ever.

“C/n, I love you. But I do not recognise the person you’ve become either. You’ve changed, in a way I’m not sure if I like. You never listen to me anymore. You don’t look at me the same way you used to. Fuck- you think I would cheat on you. Are you really that estranged from the person I am that you truly think that of me?”

You felt the need to continue and rant about how he is losing touch with not only himself but also you.

“I don’t know what to think anymore. I feel like if you aren’t getting it from me, who must you be supplementing it with?”

Looking at him felt foreign. This tone, this conversation, all uncharted territory and you hated it. It was uncomfortable and you wish that you could end the talk and just go sleep in your respective separate spaces.

Sleeping in the same bed was just not an option after the fights had started.

Deep down, you felt like he was cheating. Why else would he think you were? Was he trying to pin the blame so he could leave for the new girl and have no judgement placed on him?

“Well if I’m meant to be supplementing your lacking affection with someone else’s, does that not mean you are doing the same? Who have you been fucking c/n? WHO HAVE YOU BEEN FUCKING?”

He turned away, running his hands through his hair as if pulling it out was his only stress reliever.

“Y/n. You’re being ridiculous-“

“I'M BEING RIDICULOUS? YOU ACCUSED ME OF CHEATING! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU C/N?”

You continued, feeling as if the depth of your words weren’t completely sinking in.

“If you really distrust me that much, maybe we should just break up.”

He turned back to face you, in shock.

“And why would we do that? What would we do without each other?”

The look on his face was unreadable. He stepped closer to you, almost like he needed to cage you in, afraid you would leave.

“We are good. We argue. Then we fight. Then we jump right back to the start again. I can’t do it anymore. It’s been happening for too long and I can’t handle it anymore c/n. It’s not good for you and it’s not good for me. We are stupid for staying together so long. Really, this should’ve ended when we had to sleep in separate spaces because we couldn’t even be in the same bed without arguing. It should’ve ended right then and there, just like my hope for our future.”

He looked up at the roof, clearly trying to fight the tears in his waterline threatening to spill over.

“Well you could’ve left. If you wanted to leave so bad and for us to be over, why didn’t you leave? Why are we still here?”

His words hurt but they were true. Why didn’t you leave?

“We go round the cycle again, we jump back in bed. Because that’s what you do when you love somebody. That’s what I do for you because I love you and no matter what you do to me that refuses to leave, no matter how painful. I stay for the good times, and endure the hard times. For you.”

His face was unreadable. He opened his mouth as of to speak before shutting it and going to speak again, mulling over his own words.

“I don’t know what to do to make us better y/n. I love you with every fibre of my being, but I feel like nothing I do is good enough, and trust me, I really want to be good enough. I want you to want me.”

You could put a list together of the stuff he needed to work on before you would be truly happy, and you’re sure he could make one for you, but that wasn’t what mattered now.

He wanted you, and you wanted him.

No matter what, the two of you were going to make it work.

That was all that mattered.

You walked over to him slowly before he extended his arms and pulled you in tight.

Sobbing into your hair, he apologised.

“I’m so so sorry. I didn’t mean you cheated on me, I know you’re better than that and I’m sorry for ever even making you feel like I didn’t trust you.”

You hold him tighter and listen to the erratic sounds of his breathing.

“Hey hey, it’s alright. I think we can make it work, we will. It’s just going to take some time and some compromise. I love you and I love that you are going to try to me.”

He stopped sobbing, instead just holding you tightly and kissing your hair, pulling you impossibly closer into his chest.

“Do you think maybe- we could try sleeping in the same bed again? My backs really suffering on the couch. It’s okay if you don’t want to. I just think I want to hold you tonight, if that’s okay.”

He asked nervously, as you pulled him closer.

“I think that’s a good start on our new us.”

[goddessofblood]

Sienna's Game of The Year 2024

Wow, its the moment we've been waiting for since Sienna's Game of the Year 2022. This year, Sienna is going to talk at length about her favorite game among those she played for the first time this year. Which game will she chose? Its a real mystery....

Just kidding. Of course its

It will be no surprise for regular blog readers that I selected "The Great I Am" as my Game of the Year. I've talked about this short indie VN about a young woman with a peculiar communication style whose in a dire situation a LOT since it was published. It is definitively the game I most enjoyed, thought about after playing, and most want to encourage YOU to play. Why?

"The Great I Am" is by no means a long game. Its ich io page describes it as having a '10-20 minute' playtime. This is in some way accurate- I think on my second playthrough I finished reading in ~15 minutes. However, I wouldn't recommend playing the game like that. If you just blast through the text like that, you miss so much of what the game wants to say. Each character in the game, save for I Am, is given a variety of titles by the titular main character. When I initially played the game, I took my time processing each title- sometimes even looking up the allusions- to get a better grasp of what they meant to I Am. That is the best way to play this game. Understanding those references brings a lot of depth to I Am's character and helps you connect with her- which in some way is the point of the game. Plus, her little digs at her antagonists are honestly so funny! You're likely to miss a lot of them if you aren't looking up those allusions.

The art style is also an important part of "The Great I Am" that is so easily to overlook. Theres a very noticable tension between the designs of I Am and everything else in her world. The other characters all feel ripped out of some 17th Centruy painting, even the sympathetic ones, while I Am looks like she walked out of VRChat. She is Immediately and Obviously Recognizably Different from everyone else. The design dissonance between the other characters and I Am really heightens how alienated I Am feels- she doesn't even look like she belongs in her own story. The background art is… very strange! I'm not sure I entirely understand the narrative purpose of them to be honest. They also feel alien, or broken. As if the world itself is fundamentally incompatible with reason or sense. I would say that the 'fucked up-ness' of any given background is tied to the 'fucked up-ness' of the character I Am is interacting with at that moment. In particular I remember the Boyfriend and the Priest having the weirdest backgrounds. And I think the Friend and the Lover had the least strange and most peaceful backgrounds.

With all that mentioned, its time to talk about the star of the show: I Am. The narrative follows her in the short time she has left before her community sacrifices her. We aren't given any particular reason for the sacrifice, other than that I Am is Different. Her death, if she doesn't escape, is presumably pointless. The narrative doesn't give us any reason to believe this community has a good reason for these sacrifices. Its easy to imagine in another story a protagonist stopping this horrible tradition. If I Am were normal, perhaps she would rally her friends for some daring adventure, either advocating for overturning these awful pointless killings or escaping their torturous society together. But I Am is not normal. Firstly, she can only communicate using "I Am-" style sentences. And generally she prefers to use analogy and metaphor within these sentences to relate her feelings, situation, and thoughts. For example, she isn't likely to say "I Am Very Upset Right Now", but instead "I Am The Raging Tempest That Never Ends." You would imagine this makes it difficult for her to communicate, and for others to understand her. You wouldn't be entirely incorrect, but a careful reading shows most of the people around her are able to have conversations with her and at least partially understand what she means. Occasionally the more antagonistic characters will 'give up' and not attempt to decipher her meaning, but its clearly from contempt's for her and not genuine inability to parse her meaning. I don't believe it is an accident that the only accidental misunderstandings are when she describes her situation as it is, rather than in metaphor. The game is grabbing your shoulders and asking you to please respect people enough to try and understand them, even if they are weird!

So if the other characters can, to some degree, understand her, what does make I Am different enough for her community to stop caring for her? Maybe if I Am were otherwise 'normal', if she just had this strange communication issue, other people in her community could accept her. But I Am is pretty pointedly Autistic, and I think that is what prevents others from trying to understand her. She is willful and stubborn and An Individual in ways they can't accept. For them, its Conform or Die. And to I Am, its be herself or die.

I suppose thats where I'll end my ranting and raving about the game. There is a lot more I could say about the game, make no mistake! I didn't even talk about the ending! God what an ending. I honestly think it is a masterpiece and a "must read" for any fans of virtual novels or like, media that is good in general. Its good and its free, so go read it now! Seriously right now!

[thequeenofsastiel]

At first, after reading my roommate's response to my message about not being okay with them leaving their needy cat with me and just expecting me to take care of him(which is incredibly difficult for many reasons from the fact that my germaphobia means that in general I only have long petting sessions with him right before I shower, which is usually fine for him but when my roommate is gone he's all over me which gives me anxiety due to my mental illness that my roommate is very aware I have, to the fact that I can't let him sleep with me because he steps on my face including my closed eyes which means that sleeping with him risks eye infection or potentially blindness, and thus I have to lock him in their room because otherwise he keeps me awake with his loud screaming at my door, and that's very emotionally difficult on me because of how much I love him, sorry for the long parenthesis), I thought that I would feel much better. In fact, at first I almost felt a little embarrassed. I wouldn't say that my message was in any way disproportionate to what I and the cat were being put through, but it was definitely strongly worded. And their message was calm and at two points apologetic. But the more I reread their messages, the more they pissed me off. Because despite the calm nature of them, they were still worded as if this was a me problem. They made a lot of suggestions for ways to deal with him, one of which involved pet sitting, which is what I asked for. But there was one suggestion they made which I keep coming back to. And it was that they were willing to buy me noise canceling headphones so I could let him out of the room and wouldn't have to listen to his cries. Setting aside the fact that that would be very cumbersome and make it difficult to sleep(and also very triggering for reasons I won't get into), it completely ignores the actual problem, which is their cat being alone. He's needy, and gets lonely very easily. I have expressed to them in the past that it's hard on him when they're gone, and they completely dismissed the notion that it was a problem, saying he gets plenty of attention. Which, in my opinion, is compete bullshit. Your cat is needy. That's just a fact. It causes him emotional distress to be alone for long periods of time. Don't dismiss that. I feel like they find it annoying and inconvenient, and just aren't willing to empathize with this creature whom they purport to love.

So yeah. They either don't see or don't care about the real problem. Sure, they're willing to pay someone to stay overnight with him, but I very much get the impression that they wouldn't do that if I wasn't here to push them to do so. That they'd simply pay someone to spend a couple of hours with him a day and decide that that's enough.

I could be wrong. They claimed that the only reason they didn't do that in the first place was because they assumed I wouldn't be okay sharing the apartment with a stranger. Which I'm really not. But it's better than him suffering. And they refuse to stop going out of town a bunch to see their family. Which I get. But it still upsets me that they don't seem to give a shit about how I feel or how he feels.

Agh. I'm just. I'm just angry. And I hate being angry. It's my least favorite emotion. And I especially hate being angry at someone I like. It's also awful to realize how much respect I've lost for them. Neglecting animals is something that I judge people very harshly for, because they're entirely helpless. You are responsible for their well being, and when you don't take care of them you are causing a helpless, innocent being harm. Which is fucked. Up.

[dashielldeveron]

hello!! i cannot put into words how obsessed with your writing i am! i’m sure you get this all the time but everything from the dialogue to the plot development to the character dynamics is absolutely insane. Seriously if i could write even half as well my ego would be so high it’s a miracle that you are so humble. Your soulmate series is genuinely the best series i’ve ever read on any site! I don’t know if this is odd to say but you write every character like they genuinely are your soulmate. If you said that you know them personally and intimately i would fully believe you. Obviously i have no clue what you do for a living but if it’s not writing you should 100% consider it because the world would be so much better off with more of your work.

I am so devastatingly interested in the shigarki route that you’re writing. His character arc is so interesting and he’s so complex that i’m buzzing with excitement to see what angle you approach while writing for him. Actually with the latest manga chapters, it’s so interesting how the core villains of the series have been denied humanity in some way by the general public and how that’s contributed to how they view themselves and the world (Shigarki especially). You captured that turmoil soo fucking well with Dabi’s route. I just know Shigarki’s chapter is gonna be what kills me.

Please take care of yourself!

!!!!!

>/////< ohhhhhh you are so very kind!!! it really means a lot to me that you would type all of this out to let me know!!!! especially that enormous compliment that it feels like i know the characters, geez!!! i am weaving all of your kind words into a tapestry to hang on my wall so that i can see it and feel all warm.

shigaraki rambling under the cut :)

goddd yes shigaraki is such a little weirdo and i've been so conflicted about where to go with him!!! he's difficult to write, esp. bc fanon and canon are very different; a lot of fanon grounds his behaviour when he's still incel-blue-hair-immature-gamer guy, and he's.............not even really mean? esp. not to the league??? rude, yes, but AFO has trained him to think of himself as an authoritative figure of respect, so of course when dabi is shit-talking tomura like he's just some guy, tomura is gonna get upset about that. he's mostly........pretty polite. eerily calm. not easily scared or startled.

but like. if you read a shigaraki fic, it's expected that he's gonna throw you around or steal your underwear, or something. so i'm nervous that some people are gonna read his route and think he doesn't sound like himself!!! and maybe he doesn't, but i tried v hard; i've reread a bunch of the manga and rewatched some of the anime to take notes about his dialogue and inflection, but i get nervous that bc he's not matching with popular fanon stuff that people are gonna be like "this is just [other character] in a shigaraki hat." but i try. shigaraki is a tough dude to write.

i've been reading shigaraki as being objectified (not in a sexy sense but in a literal sense) in the manga for a long time, so it's validating and awful to see all of these characters just fucking announce that shigaraki is a thing. feels weird, especially bc so much of the manga has been moving towards a message of a kinder humanity, even though i'm not certain hori is pulling that off as clearly as it could be. i worry, but shig is gonna come back to being tenko at the end, i think. i hope this comes across in his route!!!!

and ohhhhhh you had better take care of yourself!!! bc if shigaraki's route is gonna kill you, your funeral will be tonight!!!! (bad metaphor aside: shig's route is gonna be posted tonight, provided my beta reader gets back to me soon.)

thaaaaaaaaank you so much for enjoying my silly fic!!!! i hope the rest of it meets your expectations!!!!! xx.