#typing this out made me feel better

[anxiousanteaterr]

therapy sucked the other day and the gross feeling carried over into today. its rough when i dig stuff up bc now i gotta go do my job and exist n shit till my next appointment, and bettering myself is going to be hard when my depression is on high alert bc im in the process of taking the reins from it.

the good thing tho is that im learning more about myself. and a lot of what ive learned is actively playing a role in making me feel bad lmao.

i never really stopped to look at how bad my self confidence was because 1. It hurts. and 2. its... all ive ever known. Its been dog shit for as long as i can remember. From being bullied since middle school and from everything my parents told me growing up. All I know is to be too hard on myself. To ignore taking care of myself emotionally, brush off compliments and not take them, automatically accept insults as the truth, and to just sweep all the feelings under the rug because thats just... what ive always had to do. I even trained myself to punish myself when I try to address it. When I try to take care of myself mentally and to be kind to myself and have hope and pride. Even the most basic shit like "this is a real skill set that i have" is met with a mental block and a deep seated anger that gives me urges to physically hurt myself because im... idk, seeing myself in a positive light?? I can't really let myself feel anything in any decent intensity without immediately punishing myself for it.

And it hurts. And it makes me mad because I know better than that, and I have this intense ache that is begging me to allow myself to feel and just be. To let me feel angry. To let me hold grudges. To let me have regret. To let me forgive. And most importantly, to let me love myself in all aspects. Realizing I was trans and transitioning gave me such an intense high because for ONCE in my life I was truly loving myself in literally any fucking capaicty, and seeing myself in a positive light. So now that part of me (really just my true self) is just so desperate to keep going. To keep opening doors and let myself be human. I keep holding myself back because I was punished so many times as a child to NOT feel. To not defend myself. To not be angry with people. To not laugh too loud or act silly. To not make mistakes. But its just been too much of that. 26 years and im at my fucking limit. My canines are sinking into the metal bars of the cage I locked myself into, and despite the pain I am busting out of this cage. I'm just glad im fortunate enough to actively be in therapy for all of this, so I can safely come out of the cage.

It's also funny bc i realized one of the reasons i act so kind and be nice and friendly is because of how much i deny myself that own kindness. And how much I was denied it by my peers and my biggest support group (my parents) as a child. I hate it when i get angry and snap and lash out because it reminds me of how often I was on the recieving end of that. Hell, I tear up when I see parents yell at their kids at the store. I just don't want anyone to ever experience what I did, so I give and give, and smile and joke around as often as I can because I so desperately wish that I could have gotten the same.

But I am human after all, so I will get angry, and I will lash out. And I will get disappointed. And feel regret. And make mistakes. And I just gotta remind myself that thats ok! I can do these things and feel the full extent of them! Its not the end of the world when it happens. I just gotta learn how to keep it in check so when I do act human, its not blown out of proportion.

Finally, I have to really work on the self-confidence thing of "im not a failure". I'm in a specific situation where literally everyone I know irl who is "successful", has done the basic societal shit: got great grades, went thru college, and is working "a real, professional job". I did -and am doing- none of those things! lmao. And despite me not genuinely regretting it bc its saved me money and stress, its v hard to not let those societal norms make you feel worthless bc youre not fitting into the mold. I also have real bad exectutive function that will most likely go untreated forever, so I have to remind myself to not beat myself up over THAT bc its something i cannot control. I AM doing my best, and it WILL be enough. And life progresses pretty slowly, I have until the day I drop dead to do whatever the fuck I want. I should stick to my guns and take my sweet time.

[cali]

darkraiiiiii

[bronzebluemind]

It’s been 0 weeks since the World Cup finale, 17 weeks to go until sgp and 34 weeks to go until next season.

[kevindavidday]

literally cannot stop thinking about the foxes growing up to be helpful adults especially the monsters because like with the upperclassmen and even with nicky its slightly more expected as compared to the twinyards, kevin and neil

not by my own definition but by the perception people have of them in canon - the selfish, hotheaded or largely indifferent to everyone except their own affairs type of people

but aaron chose to become a doctor and i think of him seeing mothers give up their kids at birth and of people constantly loving and losing and how possible it is for him to be known as a kind doctor - someone who would sit with a man who lost his wife or a mother who's lost her child, someone who would do coffee runs for his colleagues and give flowers to recovering patients (and maybe katelyn bought them the first time but he could repeat the gesture, yknow? he's got a good learning curve)

im thinking of kevin making sure that a portion of his hefty income goes to actual genuine charities and for work against human trafficking and child abuse because what's he going to do with this much money? particularly after amalia is born he would be so much more careful if he ever sees kids or teenagers in parking lots and senses some imminent danger

not just that but kevin keeping an eye out for his fans or any signing events he has where he sees something unfair happen and steps in or asks security to step in immediately i feel like for him its still difficult to put himself on the forefront of a threatening situation unlike andreil but he does his best to try and to listen to the kids that come and rant to him about exy to entertain them with his genuine smiles

idk just the idea of the monsters being so very human and recognizing humanity in others is something that can be so personal

[triglycercule]

murder time trio should get to all experiment with dead bodies. why? because they can and it would be cool (okay but seriously i'll provide an explanation). all these freaks are scientists. i think it would be cool and funky if they all got to experiment! except morbidly and bloodily because none of them are right in the head now

killer like has his whole thing with wanting SOULs for some unspecified reason??? i'm just gonna steal the common interpretation that it's so he can find a way to fix his own soul through coding. but like,,,, what does he do with the desd bodies??? all the fellas he stole those souls from??? well this is where dust and horror come in

it's One Panel and i'm ABSOLUTELY reaching here but there's a (single) panel in horrortale where horror's pulling apart some sort of human limb like an arm with a device. why? what for? i dont fucking know at all man like papyrus said why is he always doing something weird in his room. anyways i'm just gonna guess its probably for rationing in horrortale (but it could also be that horror just felt like ripping apart an arm. for scientific purposes. or because he did this after ripping off aliza's arm so maybe he's doing some sort of recollection reflection or something i dunno im not a professional on this man). killer could totally send all the already dead HUMAN bodies horror's way for horrortale's food situation. maybe horror likes to dissect the humans yk maybe he's not just the type of bash (a head open) and dash. monsters dust so you cant see their guts but humans dont so horror gets prime time first hand experience on the human body! and then after he's done poking around in the brain he can give the meat and organs to papyrus for him to do his specific spaghetti confectionery

but but but what about the monsters that killer takes the souls from! surely he doesn't just take from only humans (dude idk if he actually does take from only human or monster. probably not right? he needs to study BOTH types of code so he can be most informed) so he must also take monster souls. and fortunately for dust (i do NOT think he'd quite like handling gore) monsters don't leave behind bodies or blood or allat they leave behind dust. hah. dust experiment with dust. i think its already a headcanon out there that dust likes to study dust. i cant exactly recall WHY exactly but maybe it's for sentimental reasons or just something to do to pass time between resets. so killer can just pass on whatever dust he gets to him and he can put it under his little microscope and be a little nerd what a GEEK. give this guy glasses and remove all his teeth but one i guarantee you he'll look like 🤓

and once again i hear you cry out but but triglycercule! why would killer even give the dead bodies and stuff to horror and dust in the first place??? erm number one because i said so silly. jk. and number two (if we're going in a nightmare's gang context here) it could be as a way for killer to gain horror and dust's trust. a way for them not to tattle on him for stealing souls for some unknown reason. maybe there's somehow important coding information left behind in the bodies/dust (because that's literally what utmv is made of) and killer wants dust and horror to do that work for him for some reason. maybe just a way for him to get rid of evidence maybe if theyre buddy pals and close enough just as a gift. i dunno man there's a bunch of reasons as to why he could possibly do this. i just really liked the thought of the trio all wearing fancy lab coats and goggles and i was like damn how can i make this a real possibility

[crescentfool]

i love ryomina

no but seriously. even when i’m thinking about other things that captivate my interest, i find myself coming back to them and feeling like i fell down three whole flights of staircases every time i do. they are one of my favorite pairs in media and are very special to me.

it’s the way that ryoji and minato’s lives are inevitably intertwined with each other due to the circumstances 10 years ago on the moonlight bridge. without no minato, there is no ryoji. minato as he is today is because of ryoji. they have irreparably affected each other’s lives that you cannot discuss one without bringing up the other one.

ryoji mochizuki, who is death, pharos, thanatos, nyx avatar, the man of many names and identities, is the perfect summation of p3′s messages and themes.

minato arisato, the wildcard and protagonist, who has boundless kindness in his actions despite the unfortunate cards handed to him.

the two of them complement each other and tell a beautiful story from start to finish.

minato’s personas capture this perfectly. he awakens to orpheus, who’s flames burns bright, is snuffed out by thanatos during the encounter against the arcana magician. a visual precursor of the idea that ryoji stole from the life that minato could have had.

it’s the way that over the course of the game as minato interacts with pharos, talking throughout the dark hour, forging a bond that cannot be broken, that allows ryoji to exist. minato humanizes death.

november. the bells toll, calling the appriser. and yet, it’s peaceful... quiet, and full of life. ryoji, who breaks free from death’s chains, refusing his role, is given the chance to live for a month. to make the most of the humanity that minato has given him over those ten years. and what a life he lived. ryoji’s life is a reflection of what minato’s life could have been like in another universe.

it is the way the two of them are reflections of each other. ryoji with his hair down is just like minato. they are both stubbornly committed to choosing to be kind, to love life, yet are chained down by the cards the narrative dealt them with. they finish each other’s sentences, knowing each other intimately in a way no one else does.

how is that, a boy who lived for only one month, profoundly changes the course of the narrative? he is simultaneously relevant and irrelevant. blink, and you miss it, the beautiful life that he led.

ryoji is horrified at the revelations of being the appriser. he who so desperately wished to forget that his existence was meant to bring the end to all life, was unable to escape the inevitability of death. in a non-human way, of course. he becomes remorseful. a shadow of his brief time as a human who was enamored by the small beautiful things that life had to offer.

he is swallowed by grief. grief knowing that his very existence will take away not only minato’s life, but everyone else’s. the very thing that ryoji loved- life, fundamentally went against the role he was born for- to be the harbinger of death. and unable to grapple with this sadness he believes that the best thing for minato to do is to kill him, so that SEES can live in bliss not knowing about their inevitable end.

SEES is left rattled, calling into question what the meaning of life is and what they do when faced against the inevitability of death.

and!!! minato chooses!! for ryoji to live!! even in spite of what ryoji is MEANT to embody, minato still stubbornly chooses to defy death itself! and if that’s not cool i don’t know what is!! minato wants everyone to have the chance to live!!

so he climbs. he ascends tartarus, to meet ryoji, again, who is now the nyx avatar. and i just think there’s something so so beautiful about being able to use messiah, minato’s ultimate persona, against nyx avatar.

messiah, being the fusion of orpheus and thanatos is peak ryomina to me. because ryoji and minato have established an unbreakable bond from having been entwined for 10 years, minato still has a piece of death with him, and by proxy!! ryoji is able to defy and rebel against nyx trying to bring the fall! and i think that’s fucking cool shit if you ask me!

even when all of the arcanas have been gone through, it’s still not enough to stop the fall. and yet. minato knows. in the way that ryoji was sealed in minato 10 years ago by aigis... minato becomes the great seal so that everyone can live. it comes full circle.

march rolls around. he fulfills his promise to SEES on graduation day. minato dies from exhaustion. but goddamn does his sacrifice make me weep- he’s had such, such a tiring journey. he’s been through so many things because he was at the wrong place at the wrong time. but at the end of it all, he’s reunited with ryoji in death.

and i think this is why ryomina continues to evoke so much emotions for me, to this day. the relationship that they have embodies so much of persona 3′s messages and themes that it makes me feel like a microwave with nothing running in it.

p3′s message is very hopeful, for me. my favorite takeaway from it is that even if death is inevitable, appreciating the life that we were given and choosing to live as best as we can with kindness (even if we can’t feasibly do everything), is just? really nice? and you see this manifest in both ryoji and minato’s personalities and what they do for the other characters.

ryomina just feels so distinct to me, the flavor that their relationship ties back to my favorite takeaways from this game and im just!!  god!! i love you minato arisato! i love you ryoji mochizuki! im so glad that i could meet them! i’m happy that they changed my life! they made me want to appreciate the connections in life even if they were fleeting! they made me!! want to pay attention to the good moments in life and cherish them!

i love ryomina so much!!! i’m so glad that these two could bring so much joy into my life! and i hope that others can have this joy too! 💛💙

[wulfhalls]

.

[knightelf]

maybe i do need to go to therapy bc its probably not good that ive been living on autopilot and the last 7 years went by so fast but also bc i was deliberatly Wanting the time to go by to put as much space between me and the events of 2017-2020 as possible all while somewhat knowing my young adulthood was slipping me by and now both my teenage years and my early 20s are gone and i still feel like my 19th birthday was yesterday yeesh!!

[toytulini]

if you draw enough monster ocs, when you go back to drawing a human character, it feels like "sameface syndrome" everytime, by virtue of their face being. human.

[bunnihearted]

🍰🥛

[shikai-the-storyteller]

TBH the best case scenarios in my mind for Fit's lore ending on Thursday are either:

Madagio has mercy. They know what it's like to lose everyone they love, and seeing what's happening on Quesadilla Island is just a reminder of everything they loved and lost. Madagio releases Fit, and he reunites with Pac e Mike and Richarlyson, and they're all able to leave Quesadilla Island.

Or:

Madagio and Fit destroy the Federation together. Fit goes full 2B2T mode and there's nothing left of the Federation once they're finished. Madagio and Fit finally have their revenge. (And then maybe Fit can reunite with Pac + all his loved ones and they escape the Island, or reclaim the island for their own since the Federation no longer has any power over them).

Bonus: A very unlikely but "Wouldn't it be fun?" scenario would be Pac and Mike flying down on a fully-grown dragon Richas and rescuing Fit from Vacuus Island and they fly away and live happily ever after.

[nulltune]

#HAKUNNOOOOOOO ... you're gonna make him. blush.

😳😳 HENLOOO!!!! @dangaer U CANT JUST SAY THIS AND NOT EXPECT ME TO GO INSANE WGJDHWD BUT LIKE- duality of hakuno is how she can see through nicola's lies but can also be like . Dumb of ass when it comes to the simplest things 🗿 would def also very bluntly ask him why his face is red 🗿🗿 but actually that might be a blessing in disguise bc if she knew he was blushing then she'd wanna see more bye IM SORRY FOR HERR </3

[blueshykitsune-blog]

Anyone on Tumblr got a good guide for long lasting scars?

Specifically for a variety of different type of skin tones.

Or even like explanations on scar colors?

Like dark colored scars versus light colored.

Preferably about those ghat last years if not for life?

(I'm trying to figure out the best way to make my character look a bit accurate in plushie form.)

[shirajellyfish]

Art fight- Cheese_Hunt's Naomi doing an outfit swap with my OC Wren. They draw my sona talking with their OC, so I wanted to have some fun OC interaction for my revenge!

[death-rebirth-senshi]

Ashley: You don't believe in god? 🤨

Me: Aw, how sweet

Suvi: Just a constant reminder of the divine intelligence behind all creation

Me: Hello, human resources!?

[camscendants]

Feeling them rn