#tw vent blog

[puppy-b0y-prince]

Being hypersexual means I'm paranoid some person is probably jacking off to another version of me. My abused younger body lives on forever in those pictures he took.

I'm constantly harassed by vivid intrusive thoughts of my male friends, hurting me. Being used, and abused once they realize how easy it is to take advantage of me. Nothing sweet or romantic, just an object, so small and helpless but a pretty object, at least.

I have learned to put my body on display, like a doll, like a wind-up toy. And now I'm attempting to regain control and restore my autonomy through self-sabotage and self-harm.

The reality is that I want to be hurt, or even killed. I want to feel something, but also to feel numb. Wanting to feel in control, but also to be dominated. And I think I want to have a “connection” to another human, while at the same time to deny that I was even human.

 I want to be hurt, I want to be killed, I just want someone else to do it. I have been taking risks and putting myself in dangerous situations for years, and have been hurting myself in the more commonly known ways for even longer. Nothing ever seems to work for long, and I feel so alone. I feel so disqusting. No matter how many baths I take im tainted.

I want to die, but I don't want to die alone.

[bluebutterfliez]

can someone just give me a virtual hug please? i’m battling like 3 wars of mental illnesses at once and i’m just so burned out. i feel like nobody is there for me.

[all-ive-ever-known-were-holes]

If someone talks to you abt cocsa and you go on abt normal child experimentation at a gottem. Just genuinely shut the fuck up

[sooooorealllll]

I miss the hits

I miss everything I was happy then .

I always wonder if I’m happy now

I just wish someone likes me the way he did

I just want to be asleep forever

[4ng3l0fgl4ss4ndb0n3s]

"hot girls eat" I'M NOT A GIRL

[1-4m-th3-pl4gu3]

intro<3

My name's astrid.i vent on this blog please view with caution.i tag all posts. posts may contain topics of self harm overthinking rsd and suicide . I have anxiety and rsd .

tags ->

Rapidly burns incense -> vent tag

☆-> in a episode/panic attack tag

all posts will be tagged appropriately.

Send asks and dms<3

[d0nt-perceive-me]

[thesaddestlittlebaby]

Hhhhh I hate having to tie tourniquets when I cut. I mean yeah it minimizes the blood flow but also just. Ick. At least it's a decent-ish way to break in a new belt though.

[forgottentincan]

being seen as mean and rude when i care is just really draining also i think i stopped caring as much also expecting so much from others. being treated and put down really affected me. why am i worth a risk? i wasn't worth being challenged. my feelings didn't matter. im still nice but my niceness well it only goes so far. you never cared about my feelings or my wants. the world has given up on me. feel free to hate me i don't hate me anymore and you have the right too hate me all you want. for the longest time i blamed myself for everything until one day i said enough is enough. im still kind i still care but i just don't have time to be drained and mistreated anymore. being treated like i don't matter well k bye. i matter i always did. i matter. i didn't choses this life but it was ruined. i blamed myself for to long even if mh professionals were convinced i didn't. the pain my body has been through. now im going to jump up and down on the trampoline and slam my feet down all i want because i deserve more.

i will no longer let the world drain me

i don't deserve to suffer anymore

my needs deserve to be meet

[shamed-illness]

I realized I was a special brand of toxic when I saw Lucifer in The Fallen Angel by Alexandre Cabanel and thought "I wanna fix him"

[c4ndyd0gg0s]

I'm not even joking

I'm loosing my shit.

I want to fucking die so badly, I'm tired I can't do this anymore. I really can't and I just want it all to be over. I can't. Why can't I just have a nice normal fucking day!!

[yourlocaldepressedtherapist]

Cocoon

Right now I’m underneath my weighted blanket in a cocoon I feel safe… underneath my cocoon blanket I’m safe it feels like nobody else can touch me it’s warm and quiet… I wish life was always like this.

[bluebutterfliez]

i was so fucking stressed out yesterday and i don’t know why. i just got mad at the smallest things and kicked chairs and kicked tables and wanted to kick someone who traumatized me back in 7th grade. i cried 4 times that day. i don’t get it. i cant let go of the past. i just can’t. sometimes i think my trauma isn’t enough.

[all-ive-ever-known-were-holes]

When you slowly loose connection with a close friend and you know you will never ever attain the same bond you had with them with anyone else and you just have to live with that

[sooooorealllll]

I love all my friends but I want them to go so I can be alone and sad all by myself

I feel stupid i should move on with the sa shit

He did that freshman year and looked at me recently

Why am I sad over a man

[whatdwellsintheabyss]

I really dislike you. Not that I'll ever say that to your face, but you piss me off and I wish you weren't here. Why did you have to fall in love with both of them?

I can feel it, they're gonna realize they're bored of me, that they don't actually love me and they actually just get really excited about talking to me, it's gonna happen again and I can't do jack shit about it.

It probably won't actually happen, that's just how my brain is. I shouldn't assume the worst about people, but I don't trust as easily as I would like to. Even if I've known you for years, there is still a piece of me that doesn't trust you. I can't trust you not to abandon me, I'm like a dog that trails behind you everywhere you go, I can't see myself anywhere without you, I don't like it when you aren't there. So when you left earlier without telling me? I wasn't happy about it. It happened 3 times and you didn't even say anything the last time, hell, you didn't say anything the first two times until I told you. I was clearly not there and you didn't think to say something before I dm'd you? "hey where are you guys?" and then you call me stupid for it, YOU DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING, YOU DIDN'T TELL ME. I'm sick of being treated like I don't know anything, I know it's silly and I'm in on the joke too, but at this point it feels like you're just being mean.. it isn't funny anymore!! you act like you're soooo much smarter than me for knowing math when I have dyscalculia! it isn't funny anymore! I can't help it! stop treating me like a child! stop treating me like I don't know stuff! stop patronizing me when I'm doing math!

I don't trust the people you keep bringing around, they're unfamiliar and they make me uncomfortable, "braindead," they say, I don't know them, they don't know me! We've met like thrice! I don't like how they joined in on a joke you brought to the table! The other one pulled out an avatar that was straight up wearing a n*zi uniform! That isn't funny! you weren't there for the "twitter pronouns" thing that they said but I was! they make me uncomfortable and I don't know how to say anything to you. Out of the people you've introduced to me through your other bf I have only liked one of them! I'm iffy on the one who called me braindead cause I don't know much about her and she hasn't been unpleasant like the other one.

I don't like this, I'm scared, I'm scared of you, I'm scared of the people around you, I don't like them but I can't say anything about them because you like them! and I know that if I say something about it you're gonna say "but you said it was okay if I started dating them," and I did! because I'm always putting you above myself! I'm always telling you to chase happiness while I destroy myself over it! it isn't your fault I'm like this! it isn't his fault either! Sometimes I just wish I could abandon you before I lash out at you and the people you love. I could never though. You have issues with that too, I would worsen them in my pursuit of not hurting you even more. I would cause problems no matter what approach I took, if I ghost? it would suck. If I just tell you? you probably wouldn't want anything to do with me, jealousy rears it's ugly head whenever that guy is around. You're disgustingly sweet with him. And you're engaged too? You met a couple months ago, you move to fast. Remember when you invited me to make a wedding board with you on pinterest? probably not, we both forgot about that anyways. But still! how come I only heard of it YESTERDAY? why didn't you fucking tell me? I might not be poly with the other one but we're still fucking dating, you can't just pretend all of your relationships are separate entities! Why didn't you tell me this? why did I have to overhear it from him instead of being directly told! I bet they knew about this! but not me? you've known me the longest! and you didn't even bother to tell me you're engaged? fuck. Ugh. I don't like thinking about this, I don't like writing about this, I don't like anything about this! I like to veer into toxic positivity because what even am I without it? a sad miserable little mess! "life is great!" I say, literally sobbing my heart out. I'm tired of being the fun guy but what even am I if I'm not? what purpose do I serve if I'm not bringing a little joy to the people around me? what am I if my little jokes can't cheer someone up a little? I don't know. I always have this stupid little front up, it's the reason the idiot joke has stayed so long, I do things that play into it to make my friends laugh. Even if I'm the one they're laughing at.