#tw mentions of suicidal ideation

[waywardsou2]

Drunk!Logan x Drunk!MaleReader: Part 7

Summary: Logan and you are making slow progress in this new found connection. It's good and all you want is to be near him.

Word Count: 800+

Tags: Fluff, comfort, emotional hurt/comfort, Logan is a softie, reader is even softer, talks of suicide but no suicide actually occurs

After your first date you and Logan kept things simple. And on the down low. Neither of you were exactly ready to take what was going on between you any further.

Don't get it twisted thought, both of you definitely had very strong feelings for each other, but it was too soon to make anything official. And the two of the shared that notion.

So, you kept things quiet, and you kept them private. Trying to stay unassuming. Although you couldn't deny that even your platonic relationship had changed and become noticeable to others.

You would still see him in class, but rather than dropping his coffee and leaving like you used to, you stayed for a while. Sitting on one of the cabinets by his desk or even on his desk in front of him during his breaks. Leaving before the children filed in but staying long enough for the two of you to chat. Sometimes you left, giving him a chaste kiss as you went.

Other times he would find you out in the gardens like he had the first night, joining you as you studied the orchids. Committing the view to memory even in the dim light. Moments like those were important to you after spending too many years locked up in a white and grey cell.

Logan would join you, his elbows touching yours as you rested on the fence dividing the properties. But after a while, he began slipping an arm over your shoulder, or even your waist and holding you beside him. It was gentle, his intentions clearly comforting.

And you enjoyed his attempt at getting close to you, it was nice. You only wished you had the guts to make a real move yourself.

And one night you did. You had attempted to actually sleep for once, but as usual sleep never came. But instead of sneaking out into the gardens to walk around in the crisp night air, you made your way to Logan's room.

At first you faltered, thinking this was a bad idea. You wanted to turn away, but you also wanted to knock and just be with him.

Before you could make either decision the door swung open, Logan standing in a white tank top that hung off his frame and blue boxer shorts.

You felt blush creep up your cheeks, had you been that noisy walking down the hall?

He also looked slightly embarrassed himself, there was a trace of eagerness in the way he was looking at you as you stood in his doorway.

"Sorry, did I wake you?" You ask

"Nah-" he replied "-I wasn't asleep...but I smelt ya outside. Was worried something was wrong"

You swallowed at the idea that Logan was so attuned to your scent, but you tried to not let that get to your head.

"Everything alright?" he asked

"Yeah...just, needed some company"

Logan stepped out of the doorway and gestured for you to come inside.

You walked in but now that you were here you felt awkward, you hadn't ever been in another person's dorm room and certainly not Logan's. You stood there, unsure of what to do next

Logan stood there as well, but he was the bigger man out of the two of you and as usual was the one to make the first move. He stepped closer to you and cupped your face in his hand, sighing.

"You sure everything is alright?" he asks again

This time you don't respond. He gets the idea.

He takes his other hand and holds yours with it, and slowly begins to walk backwards and pulls you with him until he sits down on the bed, and you fall down beside him. Your hands still connected.

"I just...-" you try to say something, anything but words fail you. Like usual

You hated to sleep, even when you tried it was hard and when you did all you could hear were the memories of nightmares, the ones you had actually lived. That moment in your school, your time in the MRDA holding facility. The echoing screams of you and your fellow prisoners as the MRDA conducted experiments testing the limits of your mutations. You wanted it all to go away. You wanted to blow your own head off in hopes that the nightmares would stop. But you wouldn't die, and you didn't think that death would grant you such a mercy.

"-I just need you to hold me" you say instead. Like a coward, because you can't face up to the fact that Logan might care about you and genuinely want to know about what haunted you. So, you bury those feelings for a little while longer, shoving them away to be replaced with the warmth of Logan.

He shuffles over to lie down in the bed and pulls you with him. You sink down into the sheets, resting your head on his chest as he tucks his arm under you and pulls you close to him. Holding you tight.

The fuzz on his arms tickles the back of your neck as he rests it just above the neckline of your shirt.

All of him is so comforting and nice. And... exactly what you've been missing. The cold darkness of your past seemed to ebb away with the warmth that emanated from Logan, and not just the physical warmth but his presence was so soothing. The care he showed you, the compassion, the empathy despite your own coldness in the beginning.

You snuggled into Logan further trying to soak up his warmth. To absorb as much of it as you can, for the fear that as soon as he left you would never be able to feel this warmth again. To feel his warmth.

Your eyes began to grow heavy as you listen to his deep breathing. The sound lulled you into a tranquil calm that you hadn't felt in a long time.

As you drifted off you felt Logan move a hand to brush some stray hairs away from your cheek. He lent down and kissed you softly on the top of the head.

He whispered something you only just caught before the darkness overtook you, and you were sure he only said it because he thought you were asleep. But it made your inside warm up in a way that made you feel like you were glowing.

"Goodnight, my little fighter"

Sorry this chapter is a bit shorter than the others but its a filler chapter. The next chapter will be a lot more fun tho

Also keep in mind this is a fic on my Ao3, so if you wouldn't mind checking me out and giving me some support there as well that would be greatly appreciated

[lifewouldbebetteronmars]

him begging them to kill him instead MMMMMMMMMMMM

He suffers from suicidal ideation Kat, what did you expect him to do-

[heyitsnyixie]

Opened Wattpad for the first time in like 2 years to checked my message board which I used to use as a diary and learned a few things

1. I was always this funny

2. GOD HAS MY MENTAL STATE IMPROVED

Like I'm still depressed but I'm significantly less suicidal than I used to be. Crazy what having a support system can do for a person.

[incognitopolls]

We ask your questions so you don’t have to! Submit your questions to have them posted anonymously as polls.

[frownyalfred]

hurt/comfort superbat fic where Bruce occasionally has to chase Clark down when he's being a little more Kryptonian/Eldritch-y than normal (it's fine, he has the resources/ships/etc). when Clark's happy, he's in orbit outside of the Watchtower, floating and absorbing the sun. but when he's down or depressed? he avoids the sun. because the sun means energy, it's a reminder of his powers, of everything he's lost, a reminder of difference down at the very cellular level.

that's all to say, sometimes I think Clark goes down instead of up and hides away from the sun the only place he can: deep, deep underwater. somewhere maybe even Arthur only goes sparingly, deep in a trench where the water isn't oxygenated or habitable. and he just floats down there, trying to block it all out and failing miserably.

[triflesandparsnips]

...You know, leaving aside actual revelations of nonbinary identity and, like, Lucius in the walls-- this meta has held up surprisingly well.

So here's a theory I'm just going to toss into the pot to see how it changes the flavor of the soup--

Izzy Hands, current on-the-spot villain, sweating homophobia, and ruining everybody's lives in the pursuit of some kind of unattainable piratical perfection... what if.

What if Izzy is nonbinary.

(he/his, but gender is First Mate)

WHERE'S THIS COMING FROM? I'M SO GLAD YOU ASKED.

Let me first rewind a bit. (And if you need a refresher, may I interest you in this scene pack that was very enlightening.)

At the top of season 1, when we first get introduced to Izzy, he's a lot more, well, playful (in his Izzy way) before he and Stede became mortal fuckin enemies or whatever.

"We're just humble wanderers, passing through"

"Dibs, y'say?"

Figure 1. Legendary swordfighter cuts tit window in stranger's shirt for shits, giggles

He's, like, annoyed about following Stede on Ed's orders, but largely because Ed's poking him about it ("And he bested you at swordplay") and making him do stupid errands ("Oh, Edward, can't I just send the boys?") -- but he's still cool and vaguely flirty in the noncommittal way That All Pirates (Named Blackbeard) Do when he finds Stede at Spanish Jackie's.

Leaning against the wall, having a cool line to say as an intro ("I've a few colleagues in there")

Sauntering forward while providing non-relevant info that could, in fact, be interpreted as flattery if Stede had wanted to see it that way -- specifically, Izzy saying he fuckin hates Spanish Jackie's while also getting close to Stede, which could be read as 'but I came anyway to see you'

Figure 2. Walls: Are You Leaning Back Against Enough of Them? Meet the pirate who's vowed to pose against them all, probably while doing something interesting off-camera with his hips

At this point in the conversation, Izzy still has plenty of time to tell Stede who his boss is, that it is in fact Blackbeard who's looking for his attention, and Izzy could continue getting into Stede's personal space and subtly lean on things and talk shit about Jackie's... but then Stede calls him Iggy.

And that's when Izzy actually gets pissed off. From that point on, we're in Dread Enemy territory, because Izzy Hands has a thing about names and titles and identity -- as I've said in previous meta:

What he calls people, and in what context, has meaning to him, and I suspect what people call him has meaning that he may believe everyone else is aware of when, in fact, nobody fucking is.

(Izzy's pronouns are also fuck/off)

SO WHAT CHANGES

Izzy's whole fucking deal starts with Stede misnaming him. Stede, once again, is a catalyst for change -- Izzy hasn't had to deal with people being shit to him for years. I mean, even at his angriest in their actual stand-off just the episode before, he didn't have the sheer rage popping through that we get at Spanish Jackie's.

Figure 3. A tense annoyance transmogrified into annoyed acceptance (with aid of released breath and delicately applied pointy thing).

Figure 4. Overwhelming tension and coiled violence. Application of pointy thing unlikely to provide much assistance in this scenario.

Suddenly Izzy has to, like, deal with that. This is the start of things getting immeasurably messier in Izzy's previously tidy mindscape.

Because the thing. The thing is. The thing. Is that the SHEER NARRATIVE GLARE of Ed and Stede's romance makes it hard to see that Izzy Hands is, to be honest, spending season 1 here taking a trip on the Issues Express.

Prior to Stede fuckin Bonnet misnaming him, Izzy Hands is living a pretty okay life!

He appears to have regular duties, including light investigation into the new pirate everyone's talking about

Evidently has a reasonable enough relationship with the native population that he can casually buy English officers off of them

Has a standard for reporting to Ed that doesn't involve poking his fingies into candles and lying badly

Doesn't have shit to say about messy ships, what with the Hot Topic store that vomited over the deck of the Queen Anne with malice aforethought

With Stede poking at him, though... he's suddenly thinking about things, and crucially, not wanting to think about things. A whole lot of Izzy's whole fucking Deal is a result of him having to think about and process through shit that he hasn't had to deal with in years, if ever, in an attempt to both course-correct and maintain his sense of status quo. We see this play out in a couple of ways --

the way he addresses Ed (and how the forms of address Izzy's "okay" with using with Ed changes to meet Izzy's needs -- see @mikimeiko's supercut for a review)

his own no-longer-playful attitude toward stuff -- the last of which, I would hazard, actually appears when he just wanders into the stores with his cup of coffee to lean and drink while waiting for Pete and Lucius to notice he's there (and from which he's thrown off when first Lucius and Pete are... not particularly bothered by it, and then when Izzy tries to compensate, it goes even more poorly, and then--)

Figure 5. Upon being misnamed "Iggy" a second time, local Angry Ball of Emotions decides to once again forget that his weapon of choice requires several feet of working room to actually be effective

The "solutions" Izzy comes up with to deal with all this Everything happening around him (and to him) are both intentional and unintentional on his part -- most of them are devoted to returning to a status quo, the place where he was not in turmoil.

Stede Bonnet made him feel bad about his name; okay, lie to Ed about Bonnet so they never have to see him again and/or maybe Ed kills Bonnet for being mean. (About Ed. Not about Izzy. Izzy does not tell Ed about the name thing, and gosh that's interesting.)

Now Ed and Bonnet are on the same ship and Ed's not being the ship captain Izzy is familiar with, which must be because... Bonnet's around? Makes sense, fine, sure, so get rid of Bonnet, this is clearly the solution once again. How to do that? Logic about Ed's own pet policy? Doesn't work. Duel? Also doesn't work. Calico Jack? Kind of a long-shot, still doesn't work. The English? Against all odds somehow still doesn't work.

And then finally, though, Bonnet is gone! Hooray status quo! So that means we're all set here, everything back to nor-- nope. Nope. Um. Ed is still changing, getting more gender nonconforming, wanting to talk things out? And Izzy can't even blame it on Stede being around? Nope, fuck that, too much thinking there, too much wondering what it means to be GNC and also talking is terrible, let's just go back to when things were normal, pre-Bonnet, pre-boyfriends, yup, yup, I only serve Blackbeard, yeah THIS'LL fix things, okay babe sure.

(Concept: Edward "Blackbeard" Teach as the man on which Izzy Hands modeled masculinity because he himself didn't have a good innate understanding of his own gender outside of whatever biological bits seemed to match up, resulting in the fracturing of Izzy's sense of self when Ed starts experimenting with his own presentation -- even though perhaps Izzy latched onto Ed in the first place because Ed himself is already nonconforming, and also god, let Ed live his life, Izzy, jfc, not everything is about you.)

(Additional note: It is very hard to not be a self-centered asshole when your entire sense of self is a trainwreck and you can barely piece together why. Also, therapy hadn't been invented yet, and even top-of-the-line medical theory was pretty sure sad feelings came from Animal Spirits in your brain and/or spleen, so honestly it's a goddamn miracle any of these characters made it all the way to the end of the season, I don't actually blame any of them for being goddamn disasters in this regard.)

All this drive toward the status quo, btw, is an excellent bit of motivation to have in contrast/conversation with both Stede's and Ed's motivations -- because they're trying to escape their status quo, and only return to it when they find themselves in danger and scared. Izzy, on the other hand, feels in danger and scared when out of the status quo. They all try to get back to the status quo, and they all make increasingly poor decisions in their attempts to do so, but their motivations are diametrically opposed, and their personal timelines are out of step (Izzy starts very early on; Stede starts around the time he finds out he's been declared dead but really when Chauncey shoots himself; Ed starts with Izzy's threat against him).

Figure 6. A bullshit illustration of a poorly explained theory.

The need to move with/against the tide of change is sufficiently strong in all three of them to create narrative momentum. Specifically, with regard to moving toward change:

Stede incites change to escape the suicidal-ideation-inducing trap of his heteroconforming life;

through Stede, Ed discovers the possibility of change to escape the suicidal-ideation-inducing endless rat-race of piracy;

in this case, Izzy is not a willing participant in change, and feels threatened by it.

When the climax of the season approaches, we see the build of tension happening through all their actions against change:

Izzy incites multiple returns to status quo to escape the (suicidal-ideation-inducing?) changes appearing in his life without, he feels, his consent -- he seeks safety;

Stede backtracks in order to return to status quo and escape (what he perceives to be) the negative consequences of his actions toward change -- he seeks safety;

Ed backtracks to match what he believes to be Izzy's status quo (the caricature of Blackbeard, itself already an over-compensation on Izzy's part), done in response to the threat from Izzy -- he, you guessed it, seeks safety.

They're all doing such similar things, and they're all doing it for such wildly different -- but related -- reasons. Which brings me to...

WHAT IS IZZY HIDING FROM?

Well, I already said it before, but: Izzy Hands. Might be nonbinary.

(Izzy's gender is None Of Your Fucking Business)

Why am I aiming my theory in that direction? Let's start with how this show really likes its parallels. So what's the deal with these three?

Stede: Is already accepting of his nonconformity; he needs to discover the joy of queer attraction

Ed: Is already accepting of his queer attractions; he needs to discover the joy of queer nonconformity

Izzy: Hasn't accepted any of that in himself, which is why he's the most scared perhaps -- he needs to discover the joy of queer attraction and queer nonconformity, which in turn will bring him (as well as Stede and Ed, in their quests) to queer identity

So outside of his many many issues with Stede and Ed in particular, how do we see Izzy's need for queer attraction/nonconformity/identity reflected in the narrative? Well:

Actors can't be trusted and the story isn't "real" until we see it on-screen, but: Con has mentioned that the two people that really knock Izzy on his head are Lucius (definitely the attraction one) and Jim (??? perhaps... nonconformity?)

Speaking of Jim, and why I'm intrigued by this nonbinary theory, Izzy "let me be as insulting as possible to the openly queer people on board" Hands still uses Jim's goddamn pronouns

Figure 7. The absolute most surprising character moment in the entire show, I'm pretty sure.

Back to how you can't trust actors worth a damn: Vico Ortiz fucking loves cosplaying as Izzy and evidently has whole theories about how the two characters would vibe together. You know how the queer folk tend to find one another? Yeah, that.

If Izzy's whole thing about Ed's nonconforming can be considered a blow to the masculinity that Izzy has mirrored his own on... what's up with Jim, then? Jim's got all the masculine traits that Izzy admires. Ruthlessness. Competence. Knives. And yet-- Jim is... Jim? Jim doesn't identify as a man. Jim doesn't identify as a woman. Jim identifies as a goddamn threat.

What does Izzy want to be?

What could Izzy be?

Listen: figuring out your shit? Is hard. And if you think you've got it figured out -- or that it's the best it's going to be -- then why rock the boat?

Izzy's gender is a total non-issue at the start of the show. Why would it be? He's got an identity: it's "Izzy Hands, Blackbeard's First Mate." He doesn't need anything else, and we get a pretty decent opportunity to at least see how he was prior to all this shit going down -- he was playful. He was the sort of person that maybe you could see being fun enough for Ed to want to point neat shit out to him.

Until Stede fucking Bonnet calls him Iggy.

Until Blackbeard starts being more Ed than Blackbeard.

Until he's not even on the crew anymore, he's not a first mate, he's nothing--

Izzy has his chosen identity broken down to nothing. And he makes terrible decisions to try and regain it. Get rid of Stede and frighten everyone else; now his name is his own again. Sell out to the English and then acquiesce to Ed returning as captain; now he's back to crew and first mate. The last thing left... is Blackbeard. And good golly, he definitely does something about that too.

The thing is, identity is... malleable. You change. Izzy didn't want that, but guess what, buddy, the tide doesn't stop just because you want your sandcastles to stay pristine. He does everything he can -- above and beyond what's reasonable or moral -- to get back to where he started, but everyone's too changed in the interim to reset exactly. And that includes Izzy Hands himself.

WHICH BRINGS US TO SEASON 2

I don't make the rules, but with regard to the story:

Even if you disagree with my overall theory here, pirate data science says that Izzy is, for whatever reason, important in this narrative, and that's unlikely to stop in season 2

David Jenkins is fascinated by Izzy, and you know how writers get about characters they're fascinated with

At the start of season 2, I bet Izzy has had a lot of time to think about a lot of different things now that everything's back to "status quo" and everything is also, not coincidentally, fucking terrible. So wouldn't it be interesting if Izzy finds himself:

taking care of and keeping secret a waterlogged Lucius -- and Definitely Not Asking Questions about being gay for dudes

(Lucius asks "who cares if it makes you happy?")

taking care of and working with Jim -- and Definitely Not Asking Questions about gender and labels

(Jim asks "whose opinion matters more than your own?")

ALL WHILE dealing with his role -- and culpability -- in the creation of the whole Kraken / Stede A-plot

(at night, when Izzy is alone and frightened in the dark, he whispers, "who are you, Izzy Hands, when there's nothing left to lose?")

(and it may be some time -- maybe a whole 'nother season -- before he can manage to ask and answer the real question...)

"who could I be, if I let myself?"

[letsplaythermalnuclearwar]

hey you know what would be like. the WORST possible thing? if no time had passed for mortals during God Games. if the entire time, Odysseus had just been frozen on that ledge. and at the start of the Vengeance Saga, Ody's still on the ledge. he looks to the skies, to the trees, out over the ocean. he looks for an owl with knowing eyes and strains to hear her voice over the waves, because surely, surely she'd come for him. the haven't spoken in nine years and he ruined whatever relationship they had when he stupidly, foolishly let the cyclops live, but she has to still care, right? she was his mentor. she was his patron. he meant something to her. he's sure of it

but she's not there. he waits, but she's not there. he closes his eyes, sparing himself the view, and steps off the ledge

and is saved by Hermes. and Odysseus briefly thinks that he has died, since Hermes escorts souls to the underworld. but Hermes assures him that, no, he's alive, Athena heard him, she bargained with Zeus, he can go home now. he can finally go home

his friend came through

[daily-crabbys]

This Friday's meme is: you always do this

[honeypleasejustkillme]

date idea: take me to the closest lake and drown me

[daniclaytcn]

♡ countdown to the madney wedding ♡ (2 days) ↳ 5.12: boston

[slyandthefamilybook]

I'm gonna say it

as someone who has had suicidal thoughts as recently as yesterday, the primary factors keeping me personally from killing myself are:

It would make other people sad

I can accomplish more by living

From my conversations with other depressed people, these seem to be similar threads. It's well-known that the majority of tumblr users suffer from one mental illness or another, with depression being arguably the most common among them. Whether this airman was mentally ill or not, and whether that mental illness played a factor in his suicide or not, the example being set by tumblr users is incredibly dangerous. The reactions I've seen to his death have made two things very clear:

People are proud of him for his actions

People think his suicide has helped in an important way

If you're paying attention, you will have noticed that those two reactions exactly contradict the reasons why many depressed people abstain from suicide. This is going to put people's lives at risk. People with depression do not need another reason to think they should kill themselves. Gazans have already spoken out about their disapproval with these methods. This needs to stop before more people die

If you or a loved one are considering suicide, call 988 to be connected to the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline

[signanothername]

Which one of the UTMV's do you think is most likely to end their life?

Damn we getting dark today dhxhgxgxg

Error, he’s very much about destroying and erasing anomalies, and he sees himself as the #1 anomaly, I don’t think he would hesitate to actually kill himself if he succeeds in erasing all Aus

Killer, he’s already very self destructive, he has little to no self perseverance, he’d absolutely throw his life away, not to mention, he already canonically tried erasing himself out of existence

Murder, he absolutely would kill himself as a way out from under Nightmare, as his Au is his first priority and purpose and if he feels it’s completely helpless to break free he’d resort to suicide

Epic, his eye has caused him nothing but misery ever since he got it, I feel that had his eye not regenerated him, he would’ve absolutely committed suicide, he absolutely deals with suicidal thoughts

[sunlitlemonade]

so. uh. surprising thing about jason, who might be one of the most inconsistently written characters ever, is the fact that one trait about him has remained constant throughout different eras, reboots and even an elseworld. no, it's not his thighs tho that would be a very good guess.

it's his suicidal ideation. yeah.

[here's me screaming about the fact that he feels like a phantom that has outlived its purpose of haunting in detail if you're interested]

[cat-gwyn-gunn]

Hey hi friendly reminder that even IF Epic!Calypso didn’t assault Ody like in the source material she still kept him hostage against his will for 7 fucking years away from his wife and son. And whatever happened on that island beat him down so bad that our usually steadfast and determined and monstrous protagonist was contemplating suicide. And maybe just because a song is pretty and the singer is sweet and talented and the character is a woman with trauma we shouldn’t excuse when she inflicts trauma upon someone else.

Long story short I’m Not Sorry For Loving You is a beautiful song but Calypso does not get a pass for having a tragic back story and crying because she didn’t get her way.

[incognitopolls]

We ask your questions so you don’t have to! Submit your questions to have them posted anonymously as polls.

[frownyalfred]

Hello! Read your fic where Jason finds out about Clark stopping Bruce from killing Joker, forcefully, and if I may add more angst if you don't mind, the idea had been rattling in my brain: Never read the comic actually but what if Clark had another reason to stop Bruce from killing the Joker like, Bruce taking a gun with two bullets in the chamber with him, one for the Joker, the other ... well, it should be apparent that while Batman would gladly kill (in the comic "I Am A Gun"), Bruce is the one who can't handle it. And what parent wants to outlive their child, especially one who was taken in a horrible manner from a very much not a stable adult?

Clark can't, won't, lose a friend, Batman and/or Bruce.

Bonus if the gun was the same one that killed Martha and Thomas, that Bruce had purchased as Matches Malone.

Have a good week come to you, drink water and eat vegetables daily.

how dare you drop this angst off on my lap and then tell me to drink water and eat vegetables