#tried to mention some of the events I felt were more relevant

[distort-opia]

Ok idk if this is common knowledge or if I'm misunderstanding, but do we have an idea of when joker fell in love with batman? Did he come out of the sauce like that or was it during his young villanhood?

-@Tinygalaxykid

The answer depends a lot on writer and continuity, I suppose... and on personal preference. Some (like Tynion or Snyder) retrospectively wrote Joker as being obsessed with Batman from the very beginning, from their very first interaction. However, even then, I would say there's a difference between obsession and love. Because if we're talking obsession, Batman also got unhinged about Joker very early on.

Older comics portraying initial interactions between Batman and Joker actually show that when first emerging, Joker didn't target Batman at all. He was interested in taking down Gotham, and Batman was just an obstacle in his path (and I guess now I can add King's The Winning Card here too). I have a longer meta in response to someone's question here that might be of more help, going into depth on Batman and Joker's first interactions and the development of their obsession here. Personally, I think there's a lot more canon attesting that Joker wasn't in love from the get-go and that he genuinely wanted to kill Batman-- and that it took time for him to realize he even wanted Bruce alive. Joker wasn't playing around, he wasn't pretending; his schemes and attempts to kill Batman were real.

However, there's multiple moments in their first years in which Joker thought he killed Batman... and he's not entirely triumphant. But I'll put the rest of this under the cut because I've gotten long again.

You can visibly see Joker struggle with Batman's potential death here, for example:

Batman: Batgirl (1997)

This takes place around Year 8, and as you can see, Joker's jostled... but only for a moment. At the end of the day, as I mentioned, Joker's approach depended on the writer; some had Joker as purely homicidal and gleeful in trying to kill Batman, while others wrote him as coming to avoid killing Batman because then he'd be losing his playmate. I think one of the earliest and overt instances of the latter was this:

Batman (1940) #408

And that technically takes place around Year 10 of Batman's career. So if we're taking this as a progression, it did take Joker a while to arrive at these sentiments, and even then, he's conflicted about them. He acknowledges himself later on that he pivots back and forth between trying to kill Batman in earnest and not.. another time he decided that no he definitely wants to kill Batman now:

The Brave and The Bold (2007) #27

By the 2000s though, we got the infamous story Superman: Emperor Joker. Which entirely hinged upon Joker's feelings for Batman, but also his unawareness of them. Superman manages to make Joker realize that Batman is fundamental to his understanding of the world, and that he could not erase him, not matter how hard he tried:

Superman: Emperor Joker (2000)

Joker's memories of this are taken away, but to be honest, I do think this marked... a change in Joker's understanding of himself. Because the first time ever, to my knowledge, that Joker's told Batman he loves him, is this:

Batman (1940) #625

This was published in 2004, and let's say taking place around Year 15 (though in realistic post-Crisis continuity, it's even later). So, if we're trying to look at the timeline, to me it becomes obvious that Joker's feelings and his own awareness of them were a progression. He's always been obsessed with Batman, but he becomes more territorial and more... in love, with time.

Because what happens in this time? Batman saves his life, time and time again. Batman doesn't kill him. Batman keeps playing his game, gives him attention, doesn't give up on him... with The Killing Joke as an essential moment in which Batman offers to help, despite what Joker did. All these things Joker could not have known immediately after they met. So I guess my opinion is that while obsession was near immediate, love (of the very twisted kind) came later.

[so-so-woso]

i wanna be the one | part 1

Edit: Changed title. Thanks to Dru for the suggestion. From the song "Things We Never Say" by the Bad Bad Hats. Great song, potentially relevant maybe who knows.

Summary: Reader is an English-American GK who joins the Arsenal squad and ends up in an interesting back and forth with Leah Williamson. This chapter is mainly set-up for the future. The vibes will probably be very different going forward lol

Warnings: Angst, swallowing self-doubt, and mentions of parental death in the first section.

Word Count: 3,284

London felt just like Seattle. You were expecting it to feel different, more European (whatever that meant), but when you stepped out of the airport and that familiar January rain hit your skin, it was a welcome feeling. It wasn’t quite Home – you hadn’t had one of those in a long time – but it was definitely welcoming, and nice enough that you didn’t bother with an umbrella. It would’ve been hard enough trying to carry one along with all your bags anyway, although by the look on your driver’s face he really wished you had at least tried. It was nice that the team had sent a car to meet you, especially since you didn’t really know anyone here that well, but you supposed they would do that for any new signing. The driver helped you get your bags into the car and then you were off to the club to dot some Is and cross some Ts to make everything truly official.

Wistful thoughts crept into the back of your mind as you were chauffeured through the streets of London, and you decided for the first time in a long time not to fight them. Not here, anyway – not now. Not after everything it took to get you here. Get you here again, technically. You were born in London after all, and raised in Sheffield where your mother had grown up. Your father was an American, from Dallas, who came to England for graduate school and stayed for the woman he fell in love with. He often teased her about “real (American) football” but she converted him to Sheffield United fan, though he would never admit it – at least not until you were born. Match days became a family event as soon as you could stand up on your own, even though you were still too young to really remember anything at that point, but by the time you could run you wanted nothing more than to play. You were always bigger than the other kids so they made you play with the boys, but you knew a lot of the women’s national team players had played on boys’ teams growing up, so you didn’t mind it. You were never upset about that, but you were upset when they made you move to the goalkeeper position when you were eight. It was the boring position and you never got to do anything, but you were the only kid on the team who didn’t seem scared of the ball when it came flying at you, so the job fell to you. Many years later, it would prove to be the right choice, but for a while you thought it felt like a punishment from the universe. Then you found out what that kind of punishment actually felt like.

You were only eleven when your parents died. It was a car accident; your mom was driving. She took the brunt of it and was gone by the time the ambulance arrived. Your dad was in the hospital for two days, but he never woke up. You had been in the back seat. Heavy bruising, a busted ribs, broken collarbone, and a big gash across the side of the head was it for you. You were in the hospital too, for a while. Your paternal grandmother came all the way from Austin to pick you up and take you to live with her. Your mom’s parents had been gone for a while now, and GiGi – what you had called your father’s mother – was all you had left. You had only met her a few times before, but you didn’t really have another option, so across the pond you went.

It would be a massive understatement to say that Texas was different from Sheffield. It was truly a whole different world, but kids are resilient enough. You were famous for a while, because of your accent, and then you were weird for a while, because of your accent, and then eventually you became just one of the kids. Your GiGi was supportive as well, more than you had expected her to be. You didn’t know much of the specifics as a kid, but you knew she and your father had had some sort of falling out and weren’t as close as they had been when he was younger. You always thought it had to do with him choosing to stay in England rather than come home to America. When you got older it seemed like maybe there was more to it than that, but GiGi wouldn’t talk about it. She did help you get into therapy, so that you could learn how to process what had happened and all the big changes that came with it. You didn’t like it at the time, but in hindsight it was probably the best thing she could’ve done. She even started trying to learn about football – soccer – too, because she knew you liked it, and she made sure to sign you up for the local league. You think maybe that time doesn’t heal wounds, but it sort of scabs them over enough that they only hurt when you pick at them, so eventually you learn to stop picking at them, and after that life became kind of normal.

You eventually played soccer in high school – goalkeeper, naturally – and were good enough to get recruited to the University of Texas. From there, the NWSL draft sent you to Seattle for the OL Reign. You spent a season as the third-string goalkeeper, then a season as the second-string, and then were presented with an opportunity you couldn’t dare turn down. It had been Kim Little’s idea, apparently. She had only played with you in Seattle for a month or so, and you never really hung out, but she knew you had grown up in England and that you had really wanted the chance to play football in Europe. She would tell you later that she was impressed with your resilience, something you had heard often growing up, and that you had a ��dead brilliant reaction speed” which you guessed sounded good. So when Arsenal’s back-up goalkeeper transferred out and they were weighing their options, she suggested they give you a look. She had said it offhandedly, like it wasn’t a big deal, but you would wager she fought harder for you than she let on. You had only played a handful of games in two seasons, and while you were admittedly good, the offer from the English club still came as a massive surprise. They were up front and adamant about your status as a pure back-up to Zinsberger, and while you would’ve had a decent chance to win the starting spot in Seattle, you just couldn’t say no to European football, to England, to the Arsenal.

That’s how you ended up in the back of a dark car being driven through the streets of north London in the pouring rain. Your fingers fiddled absently at the chain around your neck and the two golden bands that hung from it while you considered everything that led you here, hoping that you made the right choice. Only time would tell, you thought, as the car squealed to a slow stop. You hesitated for a long moment before tucking the necklace under your shirt and moving to exit the vehicle. The driver met you at the car door, an umbrella extended overhead. You were taller than him, so you had to awkwardly bend your neck as he moved to close the door behind you.

“This shouldn’t take long,” he said, “Then we’ll get you home.” You thanked him and stuffed your fists in the pockets of your coat as you followed him up to the club, your stomach slowly rising higher and higher into your throat as the series of decisions you had recently made began to congeal rather quickly into a hard reality. It was some grotesque mix of nerves and excitement and fear that just fully slapped you in the face when you stepped inside the building. You hadn’t felt like this in Seattle, or on the plane, or in the car, but now that you were here, physically, it’s like everything else was physical too. It wasn’t some amorphous Choice floating in the metaphorical ether of your life; it was a foreboding Presence leering down at you, clawing at your shoulders from behind, and whispering ‘you don’t deserve this’ into your psyche. Nausea began to swell up, to the point you were just starting to feel dizzy. Out of instinct you reached forward and put your hand on the driver’s shoulder, who stopped walking to turn and see what you needed. He opened his mouth to ask what was wrong, but was interrupted by a distinctly Scottish, “Oh ‘ey, Tex!” behind you.

You both turned to see Kim Little striding down the hallway, followed closely by Jonas and one of the other coaches. You swallowed hard, all the torturous feelings slowly fading away as you saw a familiar face. “Hey, Little Kim, “ you retorted. She scoffed and faked a jab towards your ribs before she reached up to hug you.

“Welcome to the party,” she said, stepping back to introduce the coaches, who shook your hands. They welcomed you as well and explained that the evening would be brief, they were sure you’d be tired from the flight, but just needed to finalize some things on the business side and then Kim would give a tour of the facilities. You thanked them, probably too many times, and went with them all to finish your paperwork and pick up your official training gear. Your kit wouldn’t be ready until tomorrow since they’d have to put your name on and weren’t sure what number you wanted (you picked 18 because it was available and made sense for a goalkeeper). Kim showed you around, asked about the flight, and made you feel as welcome as she thought she could. It was nice to talk to someone for a while. You weren’t exactly an extrovert, but you were Southern enough you enjoyed being around people, and being able to talk to Kim, even if it was more or less small talk, made you feel better, and by the time the tour was done all of the earlier feelings were forgotten. You started to think that maybe this whole thing was a good idea after all.

“So no rest for the weary – first training tomorrow, yeah? Text me your address and I’ll pick you up. Since you won’t have a car, Uber’s always an option, but until you get sorted, you can get rides with me,” Kim said.

“Sounds good. Thanks, I appreciate it.”

“Don’t thank me yet, I’m picking you up extra early tomorrow – the girls’ll want to meet you before kickin’ balls at your head.”

“Well, I guess that’s only polite.”

You both laughed and hugged goodbye before heading your separate ways, you pulling out your phone to look up your new address to send it to Kim. This was a good decision, you thought, this was a good decision.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Your apartment – or flat? – was nicer than you expected it to be. You had done a Zoom tour while you were still in Seattle and it looked fine, but you had tempered your expectations to be safe. Turns out, you didn’t need to. It was a two-bedroom and furnished with the basics, so there was plenty of space for you and plenty room to decorate as you saw fit. You had what was sometimes described as an eclectic taste by your friends, mainly because you liked to decorate with things that made you happy. That seems like an obvious thing to decorate with, but you were kind of – literally – a giant dork, which meant you had a lot of “nerd shit” as your friends would tease. You expected the Arsenal girls would do the same if they ever started coming over, but all of that would be a long time coming. Tonight, all you wanted to do was collapse into bed, which is exactly what you did.

Kim wasn’t lying when she said she’d pick you up early. At least she had the decency to bring you coffee, but she was completely taken aback when you admitted you didn’t really drink coffee and actually preferred tea. “Guess there is some English in you after all,” she had joked as she drove. She asked about your night and how you slept, and pointed out all the important-to-know shops and stops between your apartment and the training center. When you finally arrived, you asked her if she accepted tips for her tour knowledge – to which she responded with “only big bills”. You laughed as you retrieved your bag from the back of her car, and the two of you headed in.

The next few days were an absolute blur. You were introduced to everyone, and they all seemed pretty nice. McCabe kept talking about how tall you were, but from how everyone else acted that was normal. Manu was happy to have another goalkeeper in the squad despite the fact you would both technically be competing for the starting spot, even though you were explicitly hired as a back-up. At least it didn’t seem like there would be any weird hurt feelings or anything there, so you were glad for that. All your other time was spent trying to discern personality types and team dynamics, and also actually training. The coaches had told you they wouldn’t expect you to go full on for the first few days to give you time to acclimate to everything. You thanked them, of course, but that didn’t stop you from diving in head first.

By the time your official day three was over, you wished you had taken it a little easier. It felt like jet lag hit you late, on top of the normal physical tiredness of training. But that evening as the team as the team filtered out of the locker room, Katie McCabe slapped you on the back and said, “Drinks on you tonight, mate!” You turned to look at her, but before you could ask, Kim interrupted with a sharp “Katie–“

“Hold on, hold on! I don’t mean a big to-do, but we gotta welcome the newbie right, right?”

A couple of the other players voiced their agreement and Kim rolled her eyes. “Two drink maximum.”

“Four.”

“Two.”

“Three?”

“Two, McCabe.”

“Two and shots?”

“…”

“Two…and shots?”

“…one shot.”

“Fuck yes, best captain ever! You’re riding with us, Y/N!”

A mix of confusion and amusement spread across your face as you looked between the two of them, and Kim just shook her head and waved at you to go with Katie, so you let yourself be pulled away into whatever the night would bring.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Despite telling you that you were paying for drinks, Katie was nice enough to only make you buy the shots, and despite Kim’s hesitance at you all going out mid-week, it was a surprisingly calm evening. You ended up sitting at a table with just a handful of your new teammates. Most of them were joking around with each other, teasing and taunting. You sat quietly, unsure of how inserting yourself into the dynamic would come off. You thought of a few quips throughout the conversations, but made sure to hold your tongue, choosing to sip on your beer instead.

“You always this quiet?”

You glanced over in the direction of the voice, inadvertently locking eyes with Leah Williamson. You knew who she was, obviously – won the Euros and all. What you hadn’t known was that she was even more attractive in person. You didn’t even know that was possible, but it was certainly a pleasant surprise.

“Not usually,” you responded, drawing in a breath. “Just can’t get a word in edgewise with this one goin’ off.”

You gestured towards Katie, who didn’t even register the comment. It did get a chuckle out of Steph and Foord, though, which made you relax a bit. Looking back at Leah, she was still looking at you, but didn’t seem to react otherwise. You paused for a moment, chewing on the inside of your cheek, before deciding to just go for it.

“So in the summer do you ever get a weird tan on your forehead from frowning so much?”

That did draw Katie’s attention; you could tell from the way she practically guffawed.

“Oy, she’s got you dead to fuckin’ rights!” she said, leaning over to elbow at Leah. The Aussies had laughed as well, as did Kim. Leah didn’t look impressed at the remark, but from the twitch of her lips you would swear she was biting back a smile. She had nice lips. Were you staring at her lips? Your eyes flashed back up to hers and she was still looking at you. She would’ve been able to tell where you were staring. That’s…embarrassing. You swallowed hard, and quickly looked away, taking a long swig of your drink. If anyone else at the table noticed the interaction, they didn’t react. Katie started in on you immediately, dragging you into whatever she had been talking about before, and from there you spent the rest of the evening integrating yourself into the team.

The bar was really only starting to fill up when Kim decided it was time for you all to get a move on. There was some light-hearted grumbling, but everyone was professional enough to know how to behave. You had popped into the toilet before leaving, and when you came out of the stall, Leah was washing her hands. You hesitated for a brief moment before moving up to the sink next to her to wash your own hands, the little bit of alcohol you consumed tonight just enough to embolden you.

“Man, Williamson, what kind of a world is this where you’ve got those legs and no rhythm,” you teased, quickly busying yourself with the most thorough hand-wash you’ve ever done so you didn’t have to look over at her and see how poorly she took the remark.

“You spend a lot of time thinking about my legs?”

You froze. It would seem she didn’t take it too poorly at all. Taking a moment to compose yourself, you turned off the sink and turned to look at her. She was staring at you again. Seemed like maybe she did that a lot.

“Yeah, maybe,” you finally said. She hmmed a bit and cocked her head to the side. The glint in her eye was the only thing that kept you from worrying you were being too forward, and you silently prayed it wasn’t a trick of the fluorescent lighting overhead.

“You think you’re being all charming, with your little jokes?”

“No, not really,” you shrugged. “I think I have the personality of a 14-year-old boy and it’s the only way I know how to flirt with you.”

Leah changed at that. Her posture shifted. Her shoulders dropped slightly. The glint in her eye was gone. You fucked up, you thought. You’ve been here for four days and you already fucked up.

You moved to apologize at the same time Leah moved to respond, but both of you were interrupted by the door to the bathroom slamming open and a group of girls rushing in. You turned around and pushed yourself up against the edge of the sink to get out of the way, but Leah dipped her head down and shoved out past them, taking the opportunity to escape without you being able to stop her.

Yep. You fucked up.

[jina1028]

Mine

Sunghoon x fem!reader

Part 3 of Beautiful nuisance

Part 1 / Part 2

Word count: 6k

Categories: Sunghoon x fem!reader, dom!Sunghoon, angst, a little bit of fluff, smut, alcohol consumption, unprotected sex, creampie, spanking, snowballing (kinda?), kissing, marking, fingering, masturbation, blowjob, exibition kink, voyeurism, cum play, cockwarming, overstimulation, multiple orgasms, crying (the sex was that good), dom/sub undertones, cuddling, mentions of aftercare, tell me if I missed anything

A. N. Guys I put my heart and soul into this, I hope you enjoy! I feel like this may be the dirtiest smut I've ever written idk you tell me...

I think the series might end like this, tell me what you think, if I should write a continuation or like some kind of spin-off not relevant to the general plot or something.

As always 🔞 MDNI 🔞

Pics are not mine, characters and events described in my jobs do not depict real people or events.

Thanks for reading, enjoy!

~♡~

Guilt.

That's all you felt on monday when Jisung showed up with a timid smile at the door of the office you shared, as usual holding a warm cup of your favorite coffee in his big hands.

You tried to greet him as usual but you could feel your face muscles stiffen as you half smiled at him, taking the cup from him, careful not to graze his fingers doing so.

You knew you would feel awkward meeting Jisung at work after Sunghoon's request, especially for the fact you had sex with the man now in front of you, and you barely replied to his texts the day after.

He probably was thinking he did something wrong, you felt it meeting his gaze behind his specs.

He looked at you with confusion in his dark brown eyes, awkwardness and like he was holding back from asking tons of questions.

You, yourself were holding back from trying to explain the situation to him, to reassure him of never doing anything wrong at all. Hell, what could you even say to explain yourself?

Hey, I tried to use you to forget about Sunghoon, who works for our biggest competitor, who I had sex with and probably have feelings for, and now I can't talk to you ‘cause he said so and I feel like a pathetic bitch ‘cause I also like you.

Yeah, that summed up the situation but would have sounded like absolute bullshit.

You decided to momentarily ignore the elephant in the room and sat at your desk, your still untouched coffee by the side of your computer screen, as you started going through your emails.

Jisung stood there by the door for a couple of seconds, then he just feebly sighed and sat at his own computer, letting the room fall silent, the only sign of life the sound of your keyboards and mouses clicking for a while.

You glanced at him now and then, feeling the tension in the room, but you quickly shifted your gaze back to your screen as he suddenly rolled back on his chair, stretching his long arms above his head with a low grunt.

He briefly turned to look directly at you as he stood up.

“I need some fresh air, you wanna come with me to the balcony?”

You looked at him as he adjusted his dark blue tie around the collar of his white shirt.

You broke eye contact immediately, going back to type some more before replying “I need to finish this now, sorry.”

He silently nodded, grabbing his coat and exiting the room without adding a word.

As soon as Jisung left the room you let out a shaky breath.

Acting cold and detached was going to be more difficult than you expected, and you wondered if this was even the right decision.

You liked him and didn't want him to think you acted like that because of him. Also you had to work with him, you needed to get along.

How did you get yourself in such a situation?

The next day replayed almost the same, you barely acknowledged him as you started working right away, trying to stay focused all morning, until it was lunch break.

Jisung glanced at you a few minutes past 12.

“Do you wanna have lunch together? Our usual place added a new plate to the menu I wanted to try…” he trailed off as you stopped typing on your keyboard.

“Sorry, I'm on a diet, I think I'm gonna skip lunch…” you lied.

“Y/N… Is something wrong? You barely texted back the other day, yesterday you didn't drink your coffee and didn't have lunch because you didn't feel good… Now you're skipping lunch because you're on a diet?”

Jisung frowned, looking at you with both anger and pain in his eyes.

You didn't know how to respond, you just bit your lips, looking away from his deep brown eyes, only managing a weak “I'm sorry…”

“For what exactly?”

You fidgeted with the hem of your sleeves.

“For having sex with me?” Jisung’s voice was rising in frustration.

“Keep your voice down! What if someone hears?” you tried to shush him.

“Do you regret it?” his voice lowered just a little bit as he started nervously biting on the inside of his cheeks and clenching his hands into fists, his eyebrows a straight line as he tried to keep his composure.

“What? No-” you interrupted yourself “Are we really talking about this at work, Jisung?”

He looked at you shrugging “You ignore my texts, where am I supposed to talk about it?”

He had a point…

“Listen, I care about you, I don't regret what happened saturday night. I just… need to fix something with someone else, then-”

Jisung interrupted you “Is it Sunghoon?”

“Yeah… Honestly, I'm really confused right now, I need to clear my mind, then I promise we'll talk about whatever you want.”

You tried to make him feel your sincerity by locking eyes with him. You saw hurt and sorrow in his gaze, which broke your heart, especially knowing it was your fault.

Jisung grabbed his coat and exited the door “See you later.”

The rest of the day went on in total silence between the two of you, until it was time to leave.

You two went separate ways outside the company building, barely looking at each other or saying bye.

You felt like total shit, you absolutely fucked up.

As you dragged yourself home, you bought some pizza on your way, you didn't even eat all day.

When you got home you ate your dinner, forcing the food down into your tight stomach, and started getting ready to finally meet Sunghoon.

A warm shower helped you relieve your tension from the hard day at work and your unforgiving thoughts, your mind constantly going back and forth between Jisung and your sorrow, and Sunghoon and your impatience.

Not knowing what was about to come made you nervous, you were scared of worsening the whole situation between you and the two men.

A cold breeze made you shiver and tighten your black coat around your body as you went on your way to meet Sunghoon, entering a taxi, looking at the passing lights outside the window as pop music softly played from the car's speakers.

The longer the wait, the more your anxiety built up, until you eventually reached your destination, paying for your drive and finding yourself staring up at the tall building towering over you.

Sunghoon's apartment was right there, and you took your phone from your black purse to inform him of your arrival.

He texted you his internal number as you heard the main door open for you.

You entered the luminous, spacious hall and waited for the elevator. Once inside you checked your reflection in the full mirror in front of you, fixing the hem of your black skirt as you opened your coat, the temperature warm enough compared to the weather outside.

Reaching the 14th floor the elevator's door opened on a long, illuminated hallway, your heels echoing as they clicked on the black, glossy tiles on the floor with every step that brought you closer to Sunghoon's door.

You stopped in front of the white door, ringing the bell and taking deep breaths before the lock clicked open.

When Sunghoon appeared on the other side of the door a bit of your tension dissipated, and you realized it was due to the fact you missed him, missed his deep gaze on you, his gentle smile, the same he displayed right now in front of you, extending his hand to you, inviting you in.

You let his warm hand take yours as he gently pulled you inside, closing the door behind you, guiding you to the spacious living room and sitting on a black sofa while getting rid of your coat.

The living room connected to the kitchen in a big open space where black, white and gray were the main colors. It looked tidy and clean, and a few floor lamps immersed the space into a dim, warm light.

The big window next to the sofa provided a nice view of the city lights.

You noticed two tumbler glasses on his black coffee table, along with some ice cubes and liquors on the side.

“I missed you, Y/N” Sunghoon left your hand to caress your cheek, not moving any further to let you slowly get accustomed to his touch again.

You relished in the warmth of his touch “I missed you too…” your words couldn't be more sincere.

“What took you so long?” Sunghoon slightly frowned as he searched your eyes for an answer before you could even reply after a few moments of thought.

“I… I was scared. I still am.”

“Why?” he pressed, his deep eyes still locked to yours, hand now resting on yours on the sofa.

“I don't know, many things I guess…”

He stayed silent, waiting for you to continue as he took a bottle from the coffee table, pouring the liquor in your glasses. He took one and offered it to you, which you gladly accepted and held in your hand, taking a small sip.

“Our job… It's dangerous to get involved with one another, we're supposed to be rivals, not to have a relationship, or whatever you wanna call it” you shook your head, finally letting someone else know the issues that bored into your mind all this time.

“How can we separate the two things? I can't” you sighed, taking another sip, letting the bittersweet liquor soothe your mouth and your mind.

Sunghoon just listened in silence, thinking about the right answer for your question, failing to find one.

“What if we're both rivals and lovers? That's what we are, Y/N.”

You looked at him confused, still in need of finding a solution to this issue.

“We'll just act as usual when we're working, you think you can do that?” he asked.

You nodded, listening to him as he continued.

“And we won't talk about work when we're together.”

He made it that simple, but it wasn't, for you.

What if you fell in love? Would you still be able to act as usual while you worked? Wouldn't it be too difficult for you not to let your feelings for him influence your performance?

What would happen if your companies found out about what was happening between the two of you?

If you fell for each other how could you build a normal relationship together if your jobs couldn't even allow that?

You wanted to ask all those questions but stayed silent, not wanting to admit you were scared of falling for him, not knowing if he even felt the same.

He saw your hesitant demeanor, aware of the storm of thoughts that was probably going on into your head.

“I'm scared too” Sunghoon admitted, his simple confession pulling you out of your train of thoughts.

You looked at him surprised, even a bit relieved, you felt like maybe he could understand how you felt.

“Because I want you to be mine, and I know it will be difficult” he continued, squeezing your hand into his.

“But I wanna try…” he finally stated.

Sunghoon lifted your hand to his face, pressing his soft lips on your knuckles, looking sweetly into your eyes.

He kept kissing your hand, observing you from under his long lashes as he inhaled your hypnotic scent, until he used the same hand that still held yours to pull you closer to him.

The sudden movement caused you to press your body into his, your free hand resting on his broad chest to prevent you from falling on top of him.

He brought his hand to your nape as he closed the distance, capturing your lips in a warm kiss.

You gladly let his tongue slip into your mouth, intertwining with yours as the kiss deepened, making you moan into his mouth as his hands traveled on your body, eventually cupping one of your breasts through the thin fabric of your maroon shirt.

Sunghoon kept kissing you fervently, massaging and stroking his thumb on your right breast until he felt your nipple harden under his teasing touch, earning a shaky moan from you.

He smirked into the kiss, starting to work on the buttons of your shirt to reveal your white lace bra.

He drew back from you to fully admire the view, mentally cursing at the sight, when something else caught his attention.

A splotch of color on the otherwise perfect skin at the base of your neck, purple and yellow mingling together in what looked like a relatively recent hickey.

You followed his gaze as you noticed his eyes darkening, gasping at the realization and covering up the mark with your hand, which Sunghoon immediately grasped and tore from your skin to prevent you from hiding.

“What's this?” he didn't even raise his voice a little bit, but the tone was scary.

When you didn't reply, still trying to find your words, Sunghoon let his other big hand fall on your thigh with a smack, a yelp leaving your mouth. You could see a red mark forming through the thin black tights you were still wearing.

“Was it that guy at the cafe?”

You avoided his stare, looking at your reddened thigh as you hesitantly nodded in response.

“So you fucked him too?”

Sunghoon's eyes felt both icy and scalding hot as he glared at you with knitted brows.

“It was before you told me to stop seeing him…” you managed to explain, not sure if that made it any better.

He chuckled darkly as he lightly scratched the mark on your neck with his thumb.

“Should I mark you up, ruin you for everyone who even think they can fuck you?”

You gulped the knot forming in your throat as Sunghoon tilted your neck to the side, assaulting your skin on the same spot Jisung had marked, licking, biting and sucking, with the goal of ruining your neck for everyone to see for the next two weeks.

The feeling of his lips on your sensitive skin and the bites on your neck sent shivers down your spine to your core, making you whimper in both pain and pleasure as Sunghoon painted your skin, one of his hands pulling your hair to keep you steady as he marked you up, his other arm embracing you in a possessive manner.

After a while you started lightly pushing your hands on his chest, your neck too sensitive to endure his sucking and biting anymore.

He detached from your skin with one last harsh suck, eyeing his work of art, satisfied.

Sunghoon let your open shirt slide down your shoulders, completely removing it, as he attached his lips to your skin once again, traveling down your chest, sucking a trail of purple marks on his way to your left nipple, sliding the strap of your bra down your shoulder to expose your breast and suck lightly on your bud.

He intensified his ministrations the more you moaned, tangling your fingers in his thick hair and pulling as you felt him suck harshly, then grazing his teeth on the hardened bud, making you whimper.

You started to feel uncomfortable, your panties now drenched in your arousal as you rubbed your thighs together, your movement not going unnoticed by Sunghoon.

He suddenly stood up, pulling you up with him.

“Strip. Just keep your bra and panties.”

His commanding tone didn't leave any doubts and you obediently stepped out of your heels, removing your skirt and tights, then waiting for his next order.

Sunghoon rolled up the sleeves of his white shirt, then he sat back down on the sofa, palming himself through his dark jeans as he ogled your almost completely naked body.

“I don't think marking your neck was enough…”

Confusion must've been visible on your face as he chuckled, then he instructed you once again.

“Lay down on my lap, I need you ass up on my legs.”

He patted his thighs while looking lustfully into your eyes, as you hesitantly stepped forward to position yourself on his lap.

“Sunghoon, please…”

He interrupted you, looking straight into your pleading eyes “Don't you think you deserve a punishment?”

You honestly thought you deserved it, you were just scared of what awaited you, since this was your first time experiencing that kind of treatment.

You nodded in defeat, digging your nails into your own fists as you waited for your deserved punishment.

Sunghoon groped your ass cheeks, appreciating your choice of wearing a matching set of lingerie once again, as he bit his bottom lip preparing for the first hit.

His right hand left your cheek and came down in an instant, smacking your skin loudly as you whimpered.

“Don't tense up, it's gonna hurt more” he suggested, massaging your reddening skin.

Then he smacked your other cheek, giving it the same treatment as the other one, massaging as his big handprint formed on your skin.

Sunghoon moved the thin fabric of your panties to fully expose your skin, the material pressing up into your slit as he pulled, exposing your wet folds to him as well.

“Fuck” he cursed under his breath, another smack making your ass jiggle, the burning sensation soon soothed by Sunghoon's massage, his thumb teasing your folds as he did so.

Your whimpers turned into moans the more he smacked and massaged your ass, pain bordering into pleasure, your mind and your body no more capable of distinguishing the two, as you unconsciously started rubbing your thighs together to soothe your throbbing pussy.

Of course that didn't go unnoticed by Sunghoon, who was starting to feel uncomfortably tight in his jeans.

He kept smacking your ass as more blood rushed to the surface of your skin, making it feel like it was on fire, as you whimpered and yelped, an unexpected moan escaping now and then.

When he was sure his handprints would last for days on your ass he instructed you to move a bit, so now your face was at the same level of his crotch, while he unbuttoned his jeans and lowered them along with his black boxers.

“Now be a good girl and open up for me.”

Sunghoon lightly slapped his stiff dick on your cheek, urging you to turn your face and take it in your mouth.

You obeyed without a second thought, genuinely wanting to pleasure him as much as you could to make up for your mistakes.

You wrapped your lips around his tip as your tongue swiped up the underside into the slit, tasting a salty drop of precum, the suction making him groan as he caressed the top of your head.

His free hand slid down your body, past your aching ass, reaching your neglected cunt.

Sunghoon pulled your panties to the side and dipped his long fingers between your folds, spreading your slick and drawing circles on your clit.

Your moans sent vibrations through his dick, eliciting another groan as he slightly thrusted his hips up into your warm mouth, his hand keeping your head in place allowing him to push deeper.

He grinned at your whimper, fangs poking out. He started to shallowly rut into your mouth, hissing every time he would graze the back of your mouth as you let out choked moans due to the constant movements of his fingers on your clit.

Sunghoon suddenly slipped a finger inside your hole, making you mewl around his dick, curling his finger and soon adding a second one, stretching you out so good you started to unconsciously push your hips back onto his hand, planting your knees in the cushions.

“Fuck, so greedy you fuck yourself on my fingers while I fuck your mouth…”

You moaned at his dirty words.

“Such a good girl, keep going…”

He hissed as he pushed your head lower on his thick cock, hitting the back of your mouth over and over with his thrusts until it pushed past into your throat, making you gag and choke.

You should've seen that coming, Sunghoon was a head pusher, you knew, and you were reminded well as he kept your head pressed down while you gagged and struggled to breathe around his cock, drool coating his length and throat spasming on his tip as he groaned loudly.

“Keep fucking yourself, who told you to stop?”

Sunghoon mocked you, finally letting go of your head and allowing you to slip his dick out of your mouth, gasping for air, a mix of drool and precum dribbling down your chin.

He curled his fingers still inside your cunt and thrusted hard into you a few times, making you yelp in both surprise and pleasure.

“I told you to fuck yourself on my fingers.”

You resumed your movements, feeling already tired and spent for enduring his spanking and struggling to breathe, but you obeyed nonetheless, chasing both your pleasure and his approval.

“If you do a good job and make yourself come like this I'll reward you.”

Sunghoon twisted his wrist, positioning his hand so his thumb grazed your slick clit with your every movement, while he used his other hand to grab his shaft and tap it on your swollen lips.

He didn't need to speak for you to open your mouth and eagerly start sucking again on the tip, allowing him to guide you up and down on his flushed dick as he pulled your hair.

He was more gentle this time, holding back from harshly fucking your mouth and so allowing you to focus on your task.

You kept moving your hips against his hand, his long fingers reaching deep, occasionally curling and stroking your g-spot, making you clench hard and loudly moan around his shaft.

Sunghoon's dick twitched every time you clenched on his fingers, imagining how it would feel once he finally fucked your tight, sopping cunt, while at the same time he struggled not to come at the sight and feeling of your pretty lips wrapping around his cock, stretching so well to accommodate his size, lewd, wet sounds from both your mouth and your pussy clouding his mind.

He bit his bottom lip hard as he tried to push back his approaching orgasm, eyes rolling to the back of his head as his jaw slacked and a breathy moan escaped his lips.

“You close?” he managed to keep a steady voice as he noticed you started clenching harder and more often on his fingers, your moans growing in volume.

You fucked yourself a couple more times as Sunghoon kept curling his fingers, aiming at your sweet spot, and you came hard, your walls spasming around his digits, your juices coating them and leaking out of your cunt onto his hand.

Sunghoon took that as his signal.

He abruptly removed his fingers from your pussy, yanking you off his cock as he quickly stood up, clenching his fist around his shaft.

“Sit pretty and open up.”

You obediently sat in front of him with your knees on the cushions as he faced you, jerking off as you opened your mouth for him.

He fisted himself a few times, breathing harshly, then he grabbed your jaw as he laid his engorged tip on your tongue and shot load after load, a few hitting your throat, but most of his cum collecting on your tongue.

Sunghoon hissed and groaned, swiping his tip on your bottom lip, smearing the last few drops on it.

You looked up at him with doe eyes, waiting for his next instructions.

“Remove you panties, sit back, spread your legs for me and use my cum to fuck yourself.”

You let your panties fall to the ground as you stood, then you moved to let your back rest against the sofa and you spread your legs with your knees bent, carefully aiming at your pussy as you let Sunghoon's cum fall from your mouth onto your clit and folds.

Sunghoon watched, enraptured, as you reached your fingers to your folds, collecting the cum you just spat on yourself to bring it downward to your hole, pushing it inside with two fingers and pumping a few times.

“This is my reward” he stated, “letting you use my cum to pleasure yourself.”

You whined, embarrassed as you let him watch you finger yourself, your face hotter than ever.

“What, it's not enough for you?” he asked in a condescending tone.

You shook your head as you continued to finger yourself, stopping only to gather the slick cum that seeped out from your hole only to push it back in, gaining a hum of approval from Sunghoon.

He patted your head with a sly smirk on his lips.

“If you make yourself squirt maybe I'll feel generous and fuck you… Sounds good?”

“Yes, please…” you begged as he caressed your warm cheek.

“Then you gotta work hard for it.”

He drew back and sat on the coffee table in front of you, grabbing his still half full glass and taking a sip as he watched you put on a show for him.

Sunghoon unbuttoned his shirt stripping out of it and laid back a little on his left hand, bringing the other to his lap after taking another long sip from the glass, spreading his legs and lazily palming his still half hard dick which was currently laying on his lower abs.

He was enraptured by the way your fingers pushed his thick cum into your tight hole, a white ring forming around your digits as it seeped out the more you pushed, a few whines leaving your lips as you curled your fingers, looking for the spot that Sunghoon somehow could find so easily.

You were torn between focusing on your task, looking at his hand curling around his shaft as he slowly pumped it, making it fully hard again, or diving into his eyes, his dark, half lidded gaze hypnotizing you.

Then as you dived into his deep eyes you grazed the perfect spot inside of you, groaning as you aimed at it over and over, your eyes still connected, the intensity of his gaze combined to your fast strokes finally pushing you over the edge, clear, warm liquid squirting on your hand, your clenching pushing his cum out of your wet hole.

Sunghoon groaned at the sight, tugging a few more times at his cock as you whimpered and gasped to catch your breath.

He slowly stood up from the coffee table to approach you, bending down while holding himself up with a hand on the back of the sofa, next to your head.

He lifted your chin up with the other hand, softly pressing his lips on yours, slowly licking and sucking while you closed your eyes, whimpering and parting your lips to deepen the kiss, as Sunghoon tasted himself sucking on your lips and tongue.

He slowly detached from your lips, a thin string of saliva breaking in the process while you chased his warmth, eventually throwing your arms around his neck before he could fully straighten his back, his strong arms hugging you tight to prevent you from making both of you fall with the risk of him crushing you.

You caught him off guard, his heart suddenly swelling and beating faster at your display of affection. He found himself smiling into your neck, inhaling your scent as he fluttered his eyes closed.

Sunghoon allowed himself to relish this sweet moment before he regained some semblance of composure, holding your waist as he lowered you back on the sofa.

You sat there, looking up at him with wide, glossy eyes, biting your lower lip, your face hot.

Sunghoon gently caressed your cheek “You did a good job” he complimented you, “Do you think you deserve to be fucked?”

You seriously pondered his question, you still felt like you didn't deserve him, feeling like you failed him.

“No, I don't deserve it” you answered, hugging yourself sheepishly, feeling more vulnerable than ever.

“Why is that?” Sunghoon asked curiously, furrowing his thick brows, looking deeply into your eyes.

“I said I was yours, but in the end…” you trailed off, looking up at him “I failed you, I'm a disappointment…”

“Don't say that.” Sunghoon shook his head.

“Just promise you'll be mine and I'll be yours.”

He brushed his plush lips on yours “And I'll fuck you good every time you need it.”

You chuckled against his lips, feeling your cheeks heat up.

“Sounds good…” you admitted.

“You have to promise” Sunghoon leaned his forehead on yours, restraining himself from kissing you again.

“I'm yours. I promise. A billion times.”

Sunghoon caught your lips once again in a heated kiss, cradling the back of your head against his palm as you did the same, diving your fingers into his soft hair and grazing his exposed shoulder with your other hand, your nails leaving red marks and imprints as he started to explore your body.

He started to grow impatient of getting inside you, your little moans going straight to his cock as he groped every inch of your body he laid his hands on.

As his urges got to him he stood up to remove his jeans and boxers, still hanging from his hips until that moment, but as he did so you followed him, eagerly throwing yourself into his chest, making him stumble backwards.

He chuckled, his eyes wide with surprise as he caught you and suddenly spun you around, making you take a few steps until your back pressed to the white marble kitchen island.

Sunghoon helped you lift up on the counter, the cold surface cooling down your hot core, making you shiver as you pulled on his neck to claim his plush, warm lips once again, tangling your fingers into his dark locks and your legs around his hips, pulling him in pressing your calves against his butt.

He braced himself with a hand on the counter next to you, his shaft stroking against your folds and clit as he let you pull him in between your legs, a little gasp escaping his throat while he started rolling his hips into yours, his lips traveling down your jaw and neck, occasionally sucking on your sensitive skin.

The pressure of his stiff cock onto your clit as he humped into you made you mewl, trying to push yourself against him, urging him to fill you up.

Sunghoon took the hint, slapped his dick on your wet clit a couple times and stroked his tip down your slit, collecting your arousal and easily pushing it into your awaiting hole, as he bent one of your knees up to reach deeper, supporting you with his other hand on the small of your back.

He glanced down to where your bodies connected, hair falling on his furrowed eyebrows, taking deep breaths as he marveled at the way your glistening cunt stretched to take him in, clenching as you uselessly tried to fuck yourself on his dick.

“So pretty, I love it when you're full of my cock…” Sunghoon growled as he drew back a couple of inches and fucked deep into your tight hole, wetness starting to drip down your ass as he picked up his pace, short, deep thrusts hitting your sweet spot.

It felt like he was trying to split you open with the force with which he rutted into you and how deep he reached, feeling like he stretched your hole more and more, completely filling you up.

You braced yourself on his shoulders, clawing on them, leaving half moons on his skin as he moved his hands to your thighs, gripping at the flesh as he pulled you in with every hard stroke of his hips.

His raspy moans and your high pitched whimpers mixed with lewd, wet sounds filling the room.

Sunghoon's thrusts turned into long strokes, leaving only the tip inside before thrusting his whole length back in, aiming at your g-spot with incredible precision as your whimpers turned into loud whines and more arousal seeped out onto the counter.

“Bet he couldn't make you scream like this huh?” Sunghoon breathed into your ear with a particularly hard thrust.

You couldn't understand entirely what he was saying, your fogged mind only thinking about Sunghoon and the way he fucked your sensitive cunt, making you feel like you were burning up as he pushed you to the edge and over.

You shook your legs under his grasp as you came hard around his cock, your walls spasming uncontrollably as you let out a long wail.

Sunghoon kept fucking into you without mercy through your orgasm and beyond, overstimulating you to the point you started sobbing, the line between pleasure and pain getting blurry.

“Just like that, baby, come around my cock…”

His thrusts became more erratic as you kept trembling and whining, your arms that still clung to Sunghoon finally giving up as you let yourself fall on the kitchen surface, knocking down on the floor a few napkins in the process.

“Gonna come inside and fill you up.”

You just nodded in response, wanting nothing more than that.

With a few more powerful thrusts Sunghoon stilled for a brief moment as he shot his cum deep inside your cunt, then he shallowly rocked his hips into yours as he milked himself dry, shot after shot, his cum seeping out around his shaft with every thrust, his almost melodic moans filling your ears as you tried to catch your breath.

When he was done he let his cock slip out of your hole and collected the cum that managed to get out with his tip, only to push it back inside with a groan as you gasped both in surprise and sensitivity.

He repeated the action a few times until he was satisfied, keeping you plugged with his dick preventing his cum to seep out again.

You stayed like that for a little while as both of you caught your breaths, Sunghoon massaging your thighs as you sighed contentedly.

As the rush of pleasure and adrenaline died down you realized a few tears started escaping from the corner of your eyes, and as Sunghoon admired the result of his ravage, he noticed your watery eyes and small sobs.

He gently took your hands and lifted you up to embrace you delicately into his chest as he kissed the top of your head.

“Hey baby, what's wrong?”

You could hear worry in his voice.

You wrapped your legs tight around his hips as he was still inside you, struggling to find your voice, so after a few seconds of trying you stuttered out your response.

“I-I don't know… I think y-you just fucked me too good.”

You chuckled a little, trying to lighten the mood, reassuring him as he let out a sigh of relief.

“That, and I missed you…” you admitted timidly, nuzzling your face into the crook of his warm neck.

Sunghoon held you tightly, stroking your back.

“You have no idea how much I missed you… I started thinking it was all a wet dream, the only thing keeping me sane all this time were your panties.”

You giggled, remembering your panties were still hostage of the handsome man that also stole your heart.

“I want them back, by the way…” you warned him jokingly “What did you do to them?”

You lifted your curious gaze on Sunghoon, who teasingly half smirked at you, showing one of his canines and wiggling his eyebrows once.

“First, let's take a nice bath, then later I may even show you…”

You giggled at his captivating suggestion, marveling at the incredible sex drive Sunghoon was displaying.

He grazed his lips on yours, as he lowered his voice.

“We have all night… You're mine.”

[the-face-in-the-mirror]

Bet ya'll weren't anticipating this one, huh? Well, I've decided that Mama Liones deserved some relevance before the story, so I've actually given her a face! (unlike Nakaba)

Caroline's design is, of course, mostly based around Margaret who she shares the most likeness with. They share design similarities with clothing, like the belt and the veil, and I tried to somewhat go off of what she looked like in the brief panel we were given in the manga. She's not in anything as regal as Margaret mostly because she was a Queen Consort rather than an heir to the throne, but I still wanted to have her look the part of royalty. The color purple is often associated with royalty and wealth, and the black and yellow are good complimentary colors that keep with the sophistication around her and the light brought to the kingdom and the family. It took me a while to figure out the design for her crown, too, but I like how it turned out.

Obviously, Caroline is dead in canon, but she was still around before the whole treason thing happened. She never had much of a presence before, aside from being mentioned once by Elizabeth and apparently dying in an event that was completely irrelevant to the story. We're changing that this time around, allowing her to be more important to the Kingdom back in the day and more important to her daughters in the present day since they lost her the same day Zaratras was murdered.

In my mind, while Bartra is the one on the throne and who the people look to for guidance, Caroline was largely most of the power behind the throne. She would've been the one who gave the Sins a lot of their missions while Bartra was busy with other official matters, and she would also be the one to communicate and grow alliances with other kingdoms and possibly even other Clans; her loss would've likely been felt across the country, and the relations between Liones and other kingdoms could've possibly deteriorated and never be the same.

Caroline just means a lot to me, and I want her to have a legacy in the story and to be loved by her family, no matter how young the girls were when she died.

I think that's all for now. Let me know what you think!

[vickyvicarious]

seeing ppl go "lol jonathan why are you admitting you found them hot what will mina think of you when she reads it!!!" has me go "*shakes you* you are going against the thesis of the book!!!"

I know some of why is dependent on knowledge of future events, and so people new to Dracula Daily won't be aware of it. But to be honest, Jonathan admitting his attraction to the vampire ladies is so, so important to me. On several different character levels, even outside of the entire book proving over and over again that sharing knowledge is absolutely vital (and is also an expression of deep love/trust/support).

Let's just stick the quote in here for reference:

There was something about them that made me uneasy, some longing and at the same time some deadly fear. I felt in my heart a wicked, burning desire that they would kiss me with those red lips. It is not good to note this down, lest some day it should meet Mina's eyes and cause her pain; but it is the truth.

Firstly - he needs to keep an accurate record. This is his only place to speak freely, his only opportunity to be precise about what he is going through. It is vitally important for him to keep his sanity intact that he be clear and try to remain logical in this diary. We see him fact-checking again and again. We can extrapolate from other statements that he doesn't always mention everything he suspects unless he feels it relevant or possible to prove. For example, repeatedly noting Dracula himself doing things before ever getting around to voicing the theory that the Count has no servants (he collected evidence first, didn't speak his suspicions until they were proven). Or putting the crucifix above his bed and taking the opportunity to sleep elsewhere, thus pointing to feeling unsafe and possibly experiencing bad dreams in his own room (he mentioned what he does about it, but not the feeling on its own or whatever nightmares he may be having). Jonathan works very hard to keep his diary focused on a few things above all: what the Count/ladies are, what everyone does, what Jonathan observes or learns, his actionable plans. He of course expresses his fears and emotions at times in his diary, more than he can out loud, but never going all the way down the rabbithole of fear, hopelessness, etc. He tries to calm himself by sticking to facts (all the harder when something strange is happening), which is in itself a soothing process for him so that's helpful too. His goal is to make this diary useful to himself and to others, if he ever gets the chance to share it. There is a goal here.

And what that means, is that the things Jonathan writes in great detail are things that feel relevant to him. The entire encounter with the vampire ladies was extremely important. It revealed a ton of new information to him, as well as being a truly horrifying and traumatic thing to go through. Jonathan's feelings are as relevant as his observations/actions here, because both are directly affected by the presence of the vampire women. Jonathan can't move. He feels dreamy. He feels attracted to them. He cannot resist and in the moment a large part of him didn't even want to. These are all effects they are causing, at least to some extent. I know mileage can vary a lot on how much of Jonathan's attraction is just coming from him, but honestly, I can't agree with any version that doesn't have a natural attraction at the very least being exacerbated by supernatural vampire abilities somehow. If not caused or called forth by them in the first place. The way he narrates, with so much obvious fear and revulsion mixed in with the desire, makes that clear to me. He sounds like he doesn't fully understand his own feelings at the time, at least where they all came from or why they were so strong. It goes along with all the other symptoms he is experiencing, and the other abilities they demonstrate. And so, to keep his record accurate - it has to go in. He cannot leave it out. It might become very relevant later.

Secondly - Jonathan is honest with Mina, specifically. I love this about their relationship. I don't think it's so much 'I noticed they were attractive' that he fears might hurt her, because Mina isn't particularly shy herself about noticing both women and men as good-looking, and even admiring their looks while on a date with Jonathan (poor Pretty Girl in Piccadilly). He also called local women pretty in his first entry as well (though he did say "except when you got near them" so it felt a bit backhanded to me), so again it's not the noticing that's an issue either way. It's more that he felt actual desire to act on an attraction, or rather for them to act. This is unusual, this is a separate matter from noticing people are hot, this is something that comes much closer to cheating or at least wanting to, and he feels very guilty about it. There's no real sense that he is worried Mina will be angry at him, and there's no sense that he will ever outside of that one moment ever want to act on any attraction he feels for someone other than Mina (or someone Mina also approves of, varying depending on your polycula headcanons). I personally do kind of tend to view Jonathan as some form of demisexual so how much he even tends to feel attraction to other people is often a little wibbly to me, but that's kind of irrelevant for the point of this. We can also set aside the shared language of "kiss" between Jonathan and the vampire ladies, and how this may point to a desire to become available for being drunk from, rather than necessarily sexual desire specifically, even if that's the type of language used. With regards to Mina: he's not worried about being caught, because he is choosing not to hide. He feels bad talking about the attraction because it might hurt her feelings, but he'll admit to it regardless because it's more important to him to be honest with her. Jonathan hates hiding things from Mina. This actually becomes plot-relevant later on. Even when she herself expressly forbids him from telling her stuff, he feels anguished about it and is certain to ensure that records are kept which she can read later. He trusts her completely. Embarrassment, shame, bad behavior, or whatever else - he will still share that with her. The only times he doesn't confide in Mina are when he's trying to repress everything because he thinks he was crazy (and possibly may even have some PTSD-related memory loss as well), or when he and the other men are trying to make sure she isn't exposed to danger (which is wrong in several ways but this post isn't about that so I won't get into it), and of course when she tells him not to. Every single time he feels upset about it. So yeah, he's going to regret that she may feel hurt, but deliberately hiding things from her would be worse.

Thirdly - Jonathan admitting his attraction here is a huge comfort to Mina later on. I truly believe this. I've talked about it before actually, but let me try to rephrase a bit to keep it on the same post. By being open about his own attraction and experience with nearly being drunk from, he provides precedent for Mina's October 3rd trauma. It makes it easier (though obviously still not easy) for her to admit to the same kind of desire:

"I was bewildered, and, strangely enough, I did not want to hinder him. I suppose it is a part of the horrible curse that such is, when his touch is on his victim."

Mina never blamed Jonathan for expressing such thoughts. She wasn't concerned about the issue being another woman when she came to him in the hospital, and when she read his diary she never mentioned any hesitations or misgivings about this scene at all. But even if she had secretly felt upset before (I personally don't see her thinking that way at all, but for the sake of argument), I think that experiencing something similar would make her grateful for Jonathan's candor. In a moment when she's already feeling deeply unclean and complicit, Jonathan's earlier honesty here relieves her from a little bit of the guilt she is feeling. It lets her recognize her own lack of desire to stop Dracula as something he did to her, just like Jonathan experienced with the vampire ladies when he couldn't/didn't want to move away. It's possible even that Mina felt more explicit desire for Dracula's 'red lips to kiss her' but didn't feel comfortable saying quite that much - even if so, again Jonathan's account would be a comfort.

And having that account written down long ago means she has already internalized this. If Jonathan had kept it hidden only to try and ease her mind later, well... first off, Mina too might have kept her reaction hidden out of guilt. And even if she didn't or he told her then, a confession at that time wouldn't mean nearly as much or carry the same kind of weight, I don't think. It would feel like he's making excuses for her, like he didn't trust her enough to tell her earlier, just... bad stuff mixed in, which are all avoided by having Jonathan be truthful from the start.

[hum-suffer]

I wish to share this on my own blog but I know I will get a ton of hate from people I call 'friends'. You can ignore this rant and all, I am just leaving this in your inbox because one of your post was so crucial in my disillusion process. It was that one post about how many people lost their lives for chanting "Jai Siya Ram" The whole RJB thing, I was always on the fence about it. Leaning slightly towards the "Why cant we build schools and hospitals there instead!" team. While even with my biased views I still accepted that the Hindu side had a right to grieve over the temple that was razed all those years back- despite acknowledging that it was an injustice, I still felt they shouldnt raze down mosques and that the whole RJB grandeur should have been muted etc. My own parents constantly fed me one sided views. That it was all a Brahmin supremacist movement. That it was a movement to oppress the minorities. That it was never even a real issue but instead artificially manufactured for political reasons. Like any other kid I felt my parents can never be wrong. Unfortunately, in that perception I was the one in wrong. Sorry this is turning lengthy but it is weighing heavy on me. The whole excitement that was built around 22nd Jan- it appeared to be an overhyped media gimmick to me. However as the date neared, I saw the saffron flags adorning every street, almost every flat in my society and every shop in my area. The strangest part of all this, I live in a non Hindi state. We were always told this whole RJB movement was a movement of 'illiterate Northies'- that was the language I had grown up hearing. However what I saw was the opposite. Every street temple was adorned. I had never seen this level of festivities even in peak festivals like Diwali. Forget that, even the street hawkers had decorated their cart thingies. Poorest of the poor slums had saffron flags. How could it be if the whole thing was artificially created? Our house maid asked for a day off for that day so that she can watch pran pratishtha event. These arent 'illiterate northies' The highest residential towers here had diwali lightings. Fanciest of the malls in my city, Brand shops, cars- everything your eye could see had some symbolism of RJB festivities. Almost like everyone was under Ram's spell. On tumblr, while scrolling I then came across that post of your which I mentioned earlier. And I couldnt scroll past it. I decided to read on it. Why were people killed for chanting that one name? Was it really that deep? Are Hindus still carrying scars of that event that many have said didnt even happen? Is Ram really that relevant? Is he even real? So many temples for him and yet why are they fighting for that one? Cant they just pray in the other temples? And when I digged, the amount of skeletons that jumped out were the worst reality check I have had so far in life. I was a mess, I still am. It is atrociously horrific. The more I read the truth of all the events, of our past, of our present struggles- it is so unbearable.

Its been two months since the event and I could only bring myself to send this to you today. I am beyond horrified with the reality. I went to the temple near my society on the 22nd. The crowd there was spellbound. When Ram Lalla's face was shown on the projector, I expected everyone to raise Jai Shree Ram slogans but everyone was so quiet. Crying. Sobbing. It was bizarre to witness it in real time. I teared up watching all of the people sob around me. I didnt even care for him then, in fact Shri Ram's character as I had known of him until then was one of "that misogynist king who wronged his wife". I was fairly negative to him and yet I too couldn't help but sob on that day while looking at him. He appeared so real, so adorable-so alive! I had always seen the gods as just stone but on that day his eyes- I swear they looked alive. I tried hard to see the stone but i couldnt overlook the god. The smile, the eyes, the cheeks- so sober, so lovable.

That was the day I witnessed in real time who he really is. He is the king that united everyone across the country behind one cause. Poorest of the poor and Richest of the rich- they all stood side by side that day. Everyone celebrated, everyone cried. Thats who Ram is to the people of this country. Ayodhya is hundreds of miles away from where I live and yet on that day it felt like we were all standing right there in this court. I couldnt even decide what i felt about it for many days after that but on the 22nd I found myself healing from some wound that I didnt even know I needed to heal from. Hearing about that one scrap-collector lady that donated a measly 20 rupees for the Ram temple; about that one gold merchant who spent a fortune on the golden gates of the temple- it was extremely eye opening. People of this country are so mad in love with him. Rightly so. He accepts them all. As the story goes, he doesnt differentiate between a little squirrel or the mighty vaanars. Two months later, I am now desperately seeking his refuge too. I dont know if I would ever be able to live the euphoria of that again however the very fact that I could feel his presence despite all of my reservations against him for all of my life means that he doesnt hold a grudge against me. He included me in the celebrations and now I wish someday I can feel attached to him the way all those people who laid their lives for his cause did. Jai Siya Ram

First of all, my dear, never be sorry to contact me in any way. I encourage it, i promise, and you will never find judgement with me for any reason, provided that you are respectable, which, you are. And as someone who has also been through some serious disillusionment, I would never ignore this.

I absolutely understand the apprehension in sharing your new views in your blog due to the response from others and i would not pressure you at all to do that. You can take your time and until then, my ask box and dms are always open for you.

As far as Ram Janmbhoomi goes, I was unaware of it as well, for almost all my life. I was raised to turn my head the other way, should I notice things that might be controversial. My father was the first one in my family to break out of the mold and search up the atrocities that have happened in our country, especially against Hindus, as those are the ones that the general media seems eager to push under the rug. From him, i started learning more and later it became my own idea to never be unaware of what has been and is being inflicted on Hindus.

Personally, when I was younger, I felt similar about Shri Ram. Why did he abandon his wife? If he abandoned her on the word of a washerman, what does it mean for us, mere humans?

It is only when I got older that i understood that this part was not in the original Ramayan, at all. This is from Tulsidas Ji's Ramcharitmanas. And it has been popularised extremely to the stretch that it lost the meaning. Tulsidas Ji's narration of Shri Ram abandoning his wife is, in a way, to show that Shri Ram was the epitome of control and law and abided by the law as well as the wishes of his citizens even when it was not beneficial to him. Agnipariksha, in the Ramayan, was to exchange a illusion of Mata Sita with the real Mata Sita. This, in my idea, is because Mata Sita is Lakshmi herself. She would not stay in a place where women are not respected.

What I mean is, our texts are large and elaborated with metaphors. Sometimes, interpolation as well as local folk tales also become a part of our interpretation of such texts. I am not giving you excuses, but reasons for your misinterpretation of Shri Ram.

I'm so very proud of you for taking initiative for yourself and trying to see the situation happening around yourself without bias. It is extremely amazing that you took up a search of your own in answers and decided to find the truth, despite any previous reservations you had.

Shri Ram protects and nurtures us, my dear. He will not hold a grudge against you, ever. Trust your instincts and give into him, connect with him in any way that you feel is best. For example, visit a temple some day. Read up about him sometimes. Talk with him, like you would with an elder brother. Understanding Ram, in a way, means understanding yourself.

I'm honoured that a post of mine could help you question the bias views you previously held. Thank you so much for coming to me, my dear. And my ask box as well as my DMs are always open, you ever want to talk.

Jai Siya Ram.

[bluegekk0]

would the adults in the family smoke/drink/take drugs? if not now, what about when their trauma was really bad?

Putting it under a read more because it's long, and because of the subjects mentioned which some may not feel like reading. Warnings for use of alcohol, drugs and sexual topics (I'm adding that last one because it is very relevant to this topic for Grimm specifically)

Grimm and Vyrm drink together from time to time, and sometimes Hornet joins them as well, though she doesn't like the taste of most drinks. Holly and Zote don't drink, as do the kids, naturally (though I imagine there are some non-alcoholic drinks they could sip on). Alcohols like mead and wine are especially popular during town celebrations, and there is also a tavern in the town that Grimm occasionally visits with Vyrm or the Troupe whenever they celebrate a successful performance. I don't think anyone smokes, and when it comes to drugs, there is the substance found in the beasts named Squit, which has some drug-like effects. Vyrm is occasionally under its influence if he ends up hunting for them in Greenpath, and while it can help him relax, it often has an opposite effect and for that reason he rarely consumes it outside of those hunts. Aside from that, I wouldn't say anyone else does any kind of drugs.

---

Now, in the past, things were a lot different for both Grimm and Vyrm. I'll start with Grimm, since he's the one who really experimented with this stuff. I don't think he ever smoked, but he attended many social events and parties where alcohol and other substances were plenty, and he definitely didn't spare himself any of it. He would get drunk and sometimes start fights in taverns for fun, and even during more sophisticated events he liked to drink and mess with everyone if he felt bored. During many of these events he also hooked up with strangers, so very often you'd see him leave the main event and disappear with whomever he wanted to have some fun with. He was definitely a party animal, so it's no surprise that he would drink a lot and do other things.

Things took a different turn after he met Vyrm. He didn't stop attending events and enjoying himself, but he tried to visit Vyrm as often as he could, and as his feelings for him grew stronger and stronger, he found himself thinking more about that than some of his more wild activities. Because of his new focus, he would also drink less. Getting to know Vyrm had an effect on his chaotic life, undoubtedly, he was already slowly in the process of settling down and leaving that life behind, even if he had no guarantee that he'd end up in a relationship with him.

Unfortunately, after Vyrm disappeared, Grimm didn't take it too well. He didn't attend as many parties as he had no energy for them, but he still drank a lot, more than ever, in hopes it would numb the pain of his heartbreak and all of his guilt. It was a period where he indulged in anything that would make him temporarily forget, which for him was primarily alcohol and sexual encounters. Divine and Brumm's intervention helped him from falling completely into the pit of despair, but he still drank a lot whenever he was by himself.

After Vyrm came back, Grimm was able to overcome that habit, certainly made it easier by the fact that he was replacing his physical body periodically (which meant that the effects of his drinking thankfully weren't nearly as destructive as they would be otherwise). Instead of reaching for wine whenever he felt down, he had a partner to find comfort in. He still struggled with the sexual part of his old habits, he would seek that frequently, often just to make himself feel better, which back then made him worry that he only saw Vyrm as another sexual partner. Which, of course, wasn't the case, he truly loved him, it wasn't just sexual attraction. These days, he doesn't deal with those fears nearly as often, he's a lot more confident in his feelings for Vyrm, and their private encounters are rooted in their genuine passion for one another instead of being framed as a form of escape. As for drinking, he was able to stop doing so to cope, and instead only drinks occasionally as a form of celebration, to mentally set the acceptable boundary and not fall back into his habits.

---

When it comes to Vyrm, he didn't outright have a problem with alcohol, smoking, or anything else that could be seen as addictive (like sex in Grimm's case). Well, almost anything, though he wasn't aware of it for most of his life. It was soul, the magical substance found at the center of his powers. He consumed it in liquid form in place of eating actual food, and he would rely on it all the time to heal any ailment he had through focusing it. At the beginning of his rule, things were perfectly fine, but as time went on, the lack of proper nutrients and calories had a bad effect on his body. Instead of eating, he would constantly rely on soul to keep him going, which inevitably put him in a spot where he was basically addicted to it. Any attempts at eating food were unsuccessful for as long as there was a source of soul nearby, as he was too terrified of embracing his instincts, especially after the Xero incident.

The reliance on the substance was slowly killing him, and only when it was stripped from him and when the hibernation messed with his knowledge of soul magic, was he able to leave it behind. It wasn't smooth at all, granted. Right after waking up from hibernation, he experienced what can easily be compared to withdrawals. Nausea and vomiting (inevitably also connected to the fact that his stomach had to adjust to proper food intake), insomnia, heightened anxiety, tremors, he had an absolutely terrible time for the first few weeks of not relying on soul. All of the symptoms were made even worse by his guilt, as well as the wound on his head that slowly became infected, which would cause him all kinds of pain and side effects.

Eventually he reunited with Hornet, Holly and Grimm, and while he had the opportunity to heal, he did struggle with the symptoms for a while. He would still experience tremors and anxiety, nausea became less frequent but it still sometimes bothered him. Luckily for him, soul wasn't a commonly found substance outside of the White Palace (in the AU, it works a bit differently; only a soul-based higher being can extract it from living beings, which disqualified Vyrm, and I see the soul totems found all over the in-game world as a gameplay only thing; meanwhile, the hot springs are filled with water without any soul in it), so he had very little chance of getting back into the harmful habit. Besides, he could not use any of the spells anymore, the hibernation erased his memories related to them, so he would have to re-learn it all to utilize soul.

The first year or two after his return were a healing period for him. As he found comfort in his new partner, and focused on eating to gain weight and heal the damage his body suffered throughout the years of relying on soul, his withdrawal symptoms softened. These days, it's all behind him, and while he does sometimes worry that he might relapse if he ever comes into contact with soul, his acceptance of his instincts and the gained love for food guarantee that whatever would happen, it wouldn't be nearly as bad as it was back in the day. Soul nearly destroyed him because he was scared of eating, which isn't the case anymore. That said, he still avoids it, as he's comfortable not using any magic and being an equal to those around him.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

am I the asshole for going to my bedroom to eat instead of eating dinner with my family?

this is kind of- a couple years old of a story, but it dwells on us a lot. we realized we could send this here and see what others think - because we feel like we were justified and in the right completely, but we still just, get very upset over this and would appreciate other opinions. (from here out, will be using we/us pronouns.)

we are physically and mentally disabled, 20 years old and currently dependant on our mother and grandmother. we have autism and anxiety, are the mental things most relevant for this story(also - these mental disabilities are entirely known by all of our family members). we aren't diagnosed with anything for our physical disabilities, but we suspect we have chronic fatigue syndrome, and we have something causing severe chronic pain.

our aunt had come to visit with her fiance, from another state, and was spending a couple of days with our family.

we enjoy cooking, and we're good at it. we offered to cook dinner for everyone, and because of our aunt disliking mushrooms, she asked us to make a second, separate batch of what we were making for the meal. okay, we're a picky eater as well. we were just happy to be able to make something that we thought everyone would like - and everyone *did* like it! it all turned out really good, the texture of the batch we made for our aunt was a little different than we expected and we were used to, but it all was still really good.

we had been cooking for like...an hour and a half. the entire time, we were out there with our family. there were a lot of people. we had to share the kitchen at one point as well, because our aunt wanted a specific side dish with the meal that we couldn't make, it was her and her fiance who made it.

by the time we'd finished cooking, we were in a lot of pain, tired, overheating, and drained. not to mention just generally hungry. so, we took a bowl of the food we'd made, told everyone that food was ready and they could help themselves. and then tried to go to our bedroom.

every time we cook, we go back to our bedroom with our food, even when it's for a smaller group. we need that chance to recharge.

our aunt started to get on our ass a bit, saying something like "you're not going to stay out and eat with us?" and we essentially responded "no? I'm tired." she essentially stated "but you know, sometimes, family comes first!"

she and her fiance started to get on our ass about it more. note that, her fiance? he is not someone we consider family. we don't dislike him, but he's not someone we know. he is an acquaintance at best. he will be family to us legally when he marries her, and that's it.

it felt like they were ganging up on us, trying to change how we've always done this. we made them food, and an entirely separate batch of it as well, with one alteration, that changed the entire cooking process of the meal. the mushrooms are the very first thing to go in. and we had to handle both different dishes at once - something we had never done before.

we were doing an event together the very next day. "I'll be at the event tomorrow the entire time" is what we pretty much said, before going to our room anyways. (side note - she completely ditched our entire family to spend the entire time with her friends at this event.)

at some later point in her visit, we tried to explain somewhat, "I have mental health issues that make this difficult, and I was in pain, I needed a break." and she essentially said something like "sometimes you need to push through that and just do it anyways." we got frustrated and said "whatever, you don't understand." she tried to say "no, I do understand-" but we stopped her and said "no, you don't." then continued with something else we were doing.

we feel like she was being ableist as fuck, but also just generally rude. but pretty much that's where this ends off. we've thought about this so often since it happened and just want other peoples' opinions I guess.

What are these acronyms?

[yourmomsgranddad]

— 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐒𝐎𝐍𝐆𝐒 𝐓𝐇𝐀𝐓 𝐏𝐋𝐀𝐘 𝐈𝐍 𝐌𝐘 𝐇𝐄𝐀𝐃 𝐖𝐇𝐄𝐍 𝐘𝐎𝐔'𝐑𝐄 𝐀𝐑𝐎𝐔𝐍𝐃

— CHAPTER SIX: After last night, I think I'm in love with you

— SUMMARY: The aftermath of you and Kate's eventful night.

— WARNINGS: mentions of sex and sexual themes, cursing, a little angst (i think)

Kate wanted nothing more than to talk to you after what happened. But you demanded that you go to sleep afterward. You were tuckered out and it was late. So she abided, you went to sleep quickly but she just couldn't close her eyes.

Her mind was going a mile a minute, like it usually was.

What did it mean for your friendship? Were you ever going to do it again? Were things going to change between you now? Were you going to do it again? Was this the end of you being her life?

WERE YOU GOING TO DO IT AGAIN?!

Her heartbeat was the sound of EDM right now. It couldn't still with you right next to her.

She had to climb onto the floor, at least there she couldn't feel your breath right next to her ear, she couldn't hear your heart thumping alongside hers.

And she finally got to sleep.

Kate woke up the next day, feeling extremely groggy. She needs to stop eating so much sugar before bed. She couldn't do anything else until she went to the bathroom.

She slumped out of the bathroom, still very confused. First, she needed to find her pants, luckily, they were on the floor, where she was laying.

She climbed back onto the bed, hoping to find her shirt but for some reason, you weren’t there. Where did you go? Was it so bad that you made her leave?

She tried so bad not to jump to conclusions. Maybe you wanted to wake up in your own bed. Maybe she hated being here. No, you probably just wanted to-

Her brain train stopped. She heard her front door open. Was she getting robbed? Who would break in this early in the morning? She grabbed the bow she kept underneath her bed and treaded lightly. She listened as some feet shuffled around her kitchen.

She jumped off the stairs, she pulled back her arrow and let fly. She didn't see who it was before they ducked.

"I have nothing to steal!"

"Kate, it's me! Put the weapons down!"

She lowered her bow as you stood back up, looking scared. There was now an arrow in her wall, probably not the first time.

Suddenly, the energy was awkward. Why? You had seen each other naked, everything after that should have been a breeze. Then why was Kate searching every part of her brain for something to say in this moment?

She knew what she wanted to talk about. But her brain stopped as soon as she saw you.

"Where did you go?" She wondered, stepping closer to you. She didn't know how close she was allowed to be so she stayed on the other side of her small kitchen. "I went to get breakfast, I was hungry."

Her heart calmed down, she was worrying about nothing.

"Oh."

"Don't worry. I'm not a hit-and-quit it type of person. I figured you would want to talk about it and I wanted to have food in my stomach when you did so go ahead."

You ushered her on as you began to open to your food. She went to open her mouth, nothing. She tried again and she felt the words bubble up. "Hey, I got you something too. Do you still like breakfast burritos?"

She didn't want to open her mouth, what if she forgot what she was trying to say? She just gave a nod. You reached into the bag and handed it to her. Back to what she was trying to say.

"So, um, we—uh. How do I say this?"

"Kate, we're both adults. Stop with the 8th grade talk."

She nodded, you were right. She needed to get over it. She mentally slapped herself, she could say it.

"Well, we had sex. Should we talk about what it means?" She looked to you, awaiting for your expression to change but it stayed the same. determined to swallow all your food whole.

"Honestly, I think it could have just been a fluke. I mean I was in an emotional state and was reeling from my break-up." You nodded, almost like you were trying to convince yourself of this statement.

But Kate didn't like that relevation.

Was it just a fluke? Was it something you did on a whim and didn't care about at all? Did you not care about Kate's feelings at all?

"So that's how you feel?"

You looked up at Kate, did you forget what you just said? You just said it. "I mean yeah, it was just an accident. Nothing real."

If the room was any quieter, Kate would have thought you heard her heart shatter into a million pieces. She thought her heart broke when you left but this was ten times worse.

"Nothing real? Got it." She nodded, tears already forming in her eyes. And it did not go unnoticed.

"No, Kate, I-"

"I think it's better if you left. Take your breakfast with you." Her voice cracked as she wiped a stray tear from her eye. She tried her hardest to turn away from you, she didn't want you seeing her like this.

"But Kate-"

"No, leave. We both know you're very good at that."

You felt like you got hit by the strongest weight ever known to man, getting the air knocked out of you. Your mouth dropped open.

You had told Kate about one of the most harrowing moments of your life and she threw it right back in your face. You didn't have time to wipe away all the tears that started spewing down your eyes.

She could tell she did bad as you looked like a wounded animal, surprised and amazingly hurt. She wanted to take it back. She opened her mouth but nothing came out.

"You really suck for that."

You gathered your food up into the bag and left, like she told you to.

She really wished she didn't, at least not like that.

All day long, neither one of you could get that interaction out of your head. You both wanted so bad to take back what you said. But stubbornness won and you didn't speak all day.

"Kate! Are you okay? You've been zoned out for the last 23 minutes. Is talking about missions that boring for you?"

She jumped out of her brain long enough to remember she was supposed to going over this week's mission with Natasha. But she was too busy thinking about you.

"No, I'm sorry. Go ahead."

She went to go back to reading but she could tell things were still off so she asked.

"Kate, what's wrong?"

She looked up, pretending confusion. "What do you mean?"

"You look like you've been down in the dumps since you got here and I heard you sniffle, like you were crying? What gives?"

And that's all it took for Kate to just let it all out. She told Natasha everything. The summer you left, the reunion, the dinner party, your boyfriend, and especially, last night.

"Damn. I did not think you were about to give me a literal romance novel but I'm glad you did. I love drama. So what'd you do this morning? I know the morning after is usual the worst part."

"I asked if she wanted to talk about it. She said it didn't mean anything and it doesn't change anything about our friendship."

For a second, Nat was happy for her but then she saw the look on Kate's face, she was not excited about this at all.

"You wanted a relationship, didn't you?"

There was a moment of silence. Kate was thinking. "I mean I don't know. I'm not going to lie to you and say no. I've definitely thought about it. Ever since we kissed when we were younger, I've never thought of her another way."

And therein, she answered her question.

She wanted to be with you.

The thought made her smile but then she realized. She said something unforgivable to you this morning. She made you cry. You definitely wouldn't want to date her now.

And she would definitely obey your wishes. No matter how much she missed speaking to you right now.

Your "not talking" period lasted about a week. Mostly because Kate didn't want to mess with you.

It was bothering you both.

So you did something about it.

Kate was getting dressed for her day when she heard her phone ringing across the room. Without thinking about it, she jumped over all of her clothes to grab it.

"Hello?" She answered in a jaunty voice, trying to sound positive to whoever was calling her.

"Kate?"

She recognized that voice almost immediately, it was you but you sounded more quiet, almost like you were sad.

"Yeah, hey. What's up? What's wrong?" She was already on the mend. "Um, can you just meet me at the park?"

She didn't even question it, she wanted to see you.

"Sure."

She didn't walk, she ran to the park. She didn't even wait for her hair to dry from her shower, she just hoped her speed would dry it before she got to you.

You didn't give her a location, just the park. So she was just running around, hoping to find you through all the leaves and trees.

Luckily, you were sitting underneath a tree. It was almost the perfect picture but you seemed to have wet cheeks. You had been crying. Kate was set off immediately.

She ran over to you and plopped down right beside you.

"You called?"

You looked over, you didn't seem surprised.

Just silently looking down on the ground, listening to wind whip off the leaves on the trees.

"When we were younger, you were the only person I attached myself to. I had other friends who were in and out. But you, Katie? I wanted you around constantly. You were the only person I told my secrets to. You were the only one who was allowed to sleep in my bed. I never felt weird around you. I was comfortable with you. You were my person."

Hearing those words come from your mouth, Kate's heart stopped even more. If that was even possible.

"You're my best friend," now you were looking right at her. "I'd never want to make you uncomfortable. Now I realized I probably crossed a line." Her eyes went wide, you thought she was mad at you?

"I should not have-"

"Pause, do you think I'm mad at you?" She was look over at you like a hurt puppy. You were suddenly confused, your face crumpling up.

"I'm not mad at you for what happened. I'm mad at what you said afterwards. I thought about that night over and over again. I wanted so badly to expand on it afterwards and you shut me down. You said it didn't mean anything. Well, guess what? It meant something to me."

Your once sad eyes widened, you couldn't believe what you were hearing. And to make it even worse, "Y/n, I love you. I have loved you. I've loved you since that first kiss. And it didn't feel great that after we had sex for the first time, you tell me it was a fluke."

Now Kate was on the verge of tears.

There was a moment of silence. Until your hand dropped to her thigh.

"Kate. It wasn't a mistake. And I don't know why I said that. I enjoyed it as much as you did." Your tears were long gone and so were Kate's. She noticed the look in your eyes.

"Do you want to get out of here?" She quirked her brow at you which you just smirked at.

You didn't even say anything back. She just grabbed your hand and you began bolting it out of that park, right to Kate's apartment.

[findmeinthefallair]

A Look at Hunter’s Complex PTSD (Part 2)

I forgot to add in the first post last weekend that I am taking excerpts from Parts 2, 4 and 5 of the book ("What My Bones Know" by Stephanie Foo), in case anyone plans to get a copy of it.

I didn’t use anything from Parts 1 and 3, since 1 involves the author recounting her own childhood trauma while 3 is about the cultural and historical events that are tied to the generational trauma in her family and community, which she researched to find answers.

Also..with two of the Owl House specials remaining, which would definitely give us more major Hunter moments…any additions from those two episodes that relate to the book excerpts will be added as new posts, e.g. if any scenes from For The Future are relevant to this Part 2 post, I will be making a post titled A Look at Hunter’s Complex PTSD (Part 2B).

Anyhow if all this sounds confusing now, there will ultimately be one grand masterpost listing every single part. As usual, take care with the warnings of mentions of abuse and trauma ahead. Here goes, for Part 2:

Hunter’s history differs only slightly from the above. He also played a caretaker role to Belos during the latter’s rage episodes:

which shows the failure on Belos’s part, especially since he’s in the guardian/caretaker role, to own, regulate or seek his own help for his difficult emotions, but it imbued Hunter with that sense of feeling “special”. The Golden Guard role was his, and his alone. Belos could then reinforce the whole “wild magic is bad” narrative, exploit how Hunter loved to feel special and wanted, and continue abusing the boy.

But as Hunter tried harder and harder to get Belos to love him the way he wanted, he too experienced a growing vigilance and desperation that was destroying him more and more, as he was worn down further over time.

I’d say it was like this for Hunter too. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t please Belos enough. It wasn't fixing things and it felt as if he was a ship slowly sinking. As his desperation grew, you could say he ventured out further beyond established boundaries, and Hollow Mind was the culmination of the courage and support he spent the previous episodes building up.

He, just like how it’s stated in the book page above, ended up woven more into the world, sewn emotionally and professionally into a network of lives. He made trusted friends and healthier company at last. Ultimately, all those actions he took nudged him along the path meant for him, and it even ended up with him being brave enough to say this in Hollow Mind:

To ask the ultimate question, "What did you do to the other guards?". The question that got Belos to decide “Okay, time to off this Grimwalker and then make another”.

Following that heart-stopping moment, Luz saving his life, both of them escaping, and then the panic attack scene that we all remember, Hunter’s story isn’t over yet. 

With where he is now, in the middle of S3, he might be mentally and emotionally operating in a way that I can deconstruct while we wait for the next episode.

I am inclined to agree with these.

It’s just…so likely for Hunter. It was the case for me, since the first 5 years out of my 7 years of seeing therapists (2014-2020) were either just talk therapy or with ineffective therapists that I didn't trust enough. It felt more like just maintaining healthy enough functioning in my daily life, rather than having what felt like proper breakthroughs.

What Hunter needs first and foremost is to just continue experiencing the precious trust and presence of the good people he has formed good relationships with. Everyone is now in survival mode and would need the same manner of support.

Frankly, almost everyone in the show needs that too. The Isles will be going through some form of collective grief, if not already.

Processing all that has happened to him, in his young mind, will be hell of a lot of work. He can’t nicely fit all of that horror into a framework of cold logic, and I doubt the mess can be solved just by “talking things out”. After all, he has Complex PTSD: and being entangled in damaged formative relationships (Belos and the Emperor's Coven, basically) - not necessarily involving just people, or his relationship with himself, but also himself with the world - is the centerpiece of Complex PTSD.

Cold logic can't exactly help you make sense of why you lacked warmth in your formative relationships (the more technical term is "primary relationships" where your primary caregiver(s), a parent/guardian, is supposed to supply you with security and warmth in their relationship(s) with you).

The clearest analogy I can think of for how he’d need some time before talk therapy could ever benefit him, is when a computer does that thing where it shuts down outside of your control, in order to prevent further damage. When you switch it back on by pressing the power button, it usually acts as if nothing happened before that. This numbing and calmness has been essential in the short-term for Hunter to function, one example being from Hollow Mind:

because his emotions being almost completely shut down here were crucial for survival: for his legs to carry him, with Luz’s help, to escape Belos’s mind. If he didn’t have such a shutdown, he may have frozen in place due to being too overwhelmed, making it harder for Luz to shake him into being lucid to follow her, and Belos would’ve been able to apprehend and capture him all over again in the mindscape.

Survive first, fear later.

There is the possibility that with Flapjack’s death in particular, he might swing towards more dissociation than ever before. The reason why dissociation happens in the first place is because the brain, like the computer, would be overwhelmed if it stayed online any further. It’s a protective built-in mechanism to numb intense psychological pain. That computer can still work overall for some time, but boy oh boy..it would need some repair shop work at some point to even perform basic functions.

If his best friend’s death, by his hands, shocked us in the audience as much as it did, it goes without saying: he himself is carrying a massive amount of shock. The thing is..for the time being his attention is diverted to fighting back and going after Belos, making sure everyone else is safe. But we shall see how his mental state will be after the fighting is over.

This pattern of shutting down/short-circuiting and then coming back online without proper deep healing, would be detrimental long-term if it keeps happening and if it continues past the point where things start to be truly safe for him. It can sadly go on for years if e.g. a child is trapped until they move out as an adult, which would mean the road to healing is having to thaw out of several years’ worth of survival mode and hypervigilance.

To remain isolated would be the biggest obstacle in any stage of his recovery. Thankfully he is now the furthest thing from isolated, where the story left off. Check out how different the screenshots are below omg…the effects of Belos isolating him versus where he is now:

A consistent theme has been an ongoing tension between his fears and what he chooses to do anyway. It ain't just great storytelling, it also feels damn real because I'm willing to bet many of us experience the same tension in our day-to-day living.

E.g. in Labyrinth Runners, the panic attack he had:

is what made the later moment so much more powerful, when he decides to run towards fear to help Gus:

Over time, he has repeatedly made decisions where he prioritizes care for others, the desire for connection and wanting to do what is truly right, over the fear of being hurt and rejected. My personal fave example of how he worries for others’ safety is this seemingly smaller moment, but it’s honestly heartbreaking and reveals hell of a lot about who he is:

He is so terrified that Belos is back, quivering and exasperated, yet he doesn’t want Luz to call anyone else to help them: and in no way does he do this to show off or anything, he wants to protect his loved ones. But this tenacity that exists alongside his gentle spirit is what got him to rebel more and more throughout Season 2, leading him into greater danger and well..unfortunately all of that plot was also building up to what Belos did to him in Thanks to Them.

…yeah. Talk therapy is not what I think this kid needs right now, not till there is restored peace all around him. Because talk therapy requires quite a bit of usage of the brain’s prefrontal cortex - the part responsible for reasoning and logic - and it is activated when we are in conscious control of our thinking. And facts such as “My ‘uncle’ chose to lie to me my whole life” can’t be understood and analyzed in the same way as a math problem can be deciphered :’) How does one make sense of something like that?

Poor Hunter can only accept the reality that Belos chose to do all that, and a key part of this acceptance is to affirm his own strengths and believe he can accept such hard truths. To achieve such acceptance, treating his condition would most likely require subconscious work that is experiential in nature (involving deeper parts of the mind than just the prefrontal cortex) as opposed to just analyzing and taking things apart. Because I don't think simply talking about this:

on top of a childhood of being manipulated, will get this poor kid to where he'd like to be.

My former supervisor calls experiential subconscious work “heart work”, not “head work”...i.e. experiencing one’s feelings and relationships in a safe space. All of Hunter’s military training and duties are most definitely “head work”, all about strategy and withholding trust, which means “heart work” - building trust and finding authenticity in his relationships - has been a new journey for him. His network of relationships and perceptions need a major, positive reframing. And there are so many emotional wounds, oh Titan, so many from Belos.

Hunter is likely to benefit from experiential subconscious work such as the increasingly popular Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) modality for therapy, because EMDR can be an effective treatment if a client experiences discomfort in the form of physical bodily sensations whenever their trauma is triggered, though it is not necessarily for everyone who suffers from trauma. A Boiling Isles version of EMDR might involve Illusion magic...if a therapist from that Coven can draw out mental images of clients to project into the therapy room, that would be a cool simulation and cool parallel of how therapy works in our world.

EMDR was the biggest, most revelatory thing for me in my own recovery but a coursemate of mine found it to be too much and too direct: instead, she benefited from the Emotion Freedom Technique (EFT) approach which was more physical in nature and relied on tapping acupressure points on the body. Idk, maybe I matched better with EMDR because I have an innate curiosity about things, even if it has gotten me in trouble many times in life (this sounds like Hunter as well) :S Whereas EFT was the better fit for my coursemate because she wanted a sense of attachment and connection with herself via the specific sense of touch.

Disclaimer: I am not yet certified in EMDR, god it will be years before I can afford the training fees but I have been on the receiving end of it as a client in many sessions. So I am no trained expert in it at all.

We see Hunter experiencing physical distress related to his trauma, which is why the EMDR technique, that aims to reduce trauma-related distress experienced in the physical body, could be the right match for him. Since he loves the Ruler’s Reach and Cosmic Frontier, he might like how EMDR is like letting your subconscious re-tell your story as a heroic triumphant story, and the treatment feels like rewriting your painful memories while still acknowledging how they actually happened. Because the treatment helped me learn that it is possible to hold both of those in your mind.

To sum up EMDR the best I can, the client replays their difficult memories in their subconscious imagination. It relies on a phenomenon called bilateral stimulation (BLS) which is related to how making left-and-right motions (e.g. going for walks, or swimming) while holding upsetting thoughts in our heads, helps to reduce the intensity of such thoughts.

The general process involves:

Helping the client prepare an imagined safe place to go to (Hunter might choose his fave location from Cosmic Frontier, since clients can choose fictional places if they like) and if needed, a safe person (he might choose Camila) to come rescue them in their mind, in case revisiting the bad memories becomes too distressing. The therapist gets the client to experience the safe place and person, then describe to the therapist what they see, hear, touch etc with as much detail as possible. There will be several practice rounds in those safe spaces, before the client is supposed to do the same imagination thing with their scary traumatic memories in later sessions: once they are experienced with visiting their safe places.

Desensitizing the pain and distress of traumatic memories, working through only one memory at a time, where the therapist gets the client to hold the painful memory in mind while also performing left-and-right physical movements e.g. client moves their eyes left and right, following the therapist's hand motions. The therapist regularly checks in with how the client feels and also measures 1. the intensity of the client’s distress (using the Subjective Units of Disturbance or SUD scale, on a scale of 1 to 10 where 10 is the highest distress level imaginable to the client) and 2. The strength of the client’s positive belief about themselves (using the VOC or Validity of Cognition scale, on a scale of 1 to 7, with 7 being complete trust in the positive belief). The aim is to reduce the SUD score to 0 or 1, and increase the VoC score to 7, per memory that the client decides to process with the therapist. This would definitely take at least 3 sessions per memory, based on my experience.

The desensitizing step takes multiple sessions (estimated to be 8-12 sessions for simpler traumas, and many more sessions for complex traumas) helps to make room for new positive beliefs about oneself e.g. “I am worthy of love” to take up more space in the client’s mind, while the emotional space taken up by negative beliefs like “I am unlovable” gets smaller and smaller.

In my experience as an EMDR client, you are just supposed to let your subconscious flow and alter each memory during the desensitizing, because it isn’t about how realistic the memory was, it’s about what meanings you’d like to put into the storyline of the memory e.g. going from “I deserved that abuse” to “You know what, I’m gonna try protect myself”. This means Hunter could incorporate his fave fictional scenes and elements into his own story. I found that my brain went from accurately replaying my traumatic memories, to adding in new things or replacing original parts of each memory. And best of all, I wasn’t actively choosing all these changes - I just let my subconscious run on its own, since it is outside my conscious control anyway. E.g. in a memory where my own abusive mother was yelling at me during a car ride, I saw a tall red tree (red is my fave colour and I feel strength whenever I see it) rapidly growing out of the road directly in front of us. It could cause my mother to lose control of the steering and brake hard, and I could quickly unlock the front passenger door to exit the car and run to my own safety. The most real thing about this was that I now got a taste of how it would feel to use strong boundaries with my mother in real life, and the coolest thing was seeing how my own brain went off on its own to write an encouraging story, which is what mattered and allowed my positive beliefs about myself to start taking root. It all started in my imagination, guided by the therapist.

The best way of putting it is..I realized that when the original traumatic events happened in my life, the bad events happened which then installed negative beliefs about myself (and the world) into my brain's programming, breaking my trust in almost everything except my escape spaces like gaming and art. With EMDR, after feeling the safety of trusting my therapist and my safe place, I had to let my brain create the positive version of the above: letting improved versions of those traumatic events be written by my subconscious: which helped to usher in the positive opposites of those negative beliefs.

It would be too lengthy to go into more detail here about how EMDR could help our boi, so I will instead cover that in my future case formulation post that is separate from this series. But EMDR is not the only way to reach a point of having positive beliefs about oneself. Some people may be able to reach that stage without therapy, using resources like a strong support network and doing meaningful work and activities, which is completely valid and fine as well.

EMDR was the tool that helped the book author reach her first ever breakthrough in her mental health journey. It helped her realize that stuff from so long ago, which she thought she had gotten over, needed to be revisited in order for her to start feeling love for her inner child and younger self. Feeling love for yourself and understanding self-love is very hard work, and it’s not the same as shrugging “Yeah, I guess it’s good to love yourself” and knowing it in theory as an observer.

That section of the book is sort of like how Hunter becomes more and more able to draw strength and other positive qualities e.g. courage, trust, etc, from himself, on his own. The rest of the Hexsquad and Camila came in to help and save Hunter first, which gently reinforced a healthy narrative over time that he is in fact deserving of love, getting him to believe along the lines of “You know what, I don’t want to try being useful to Belos anymore, because what he did to me and what he does as the Emperor is wrong”. This understand was further reinforced when he was the one to extend help to Gus towards the end of Labyrinth Runners.

Perhaps the biggest takeaway from this post is how Hunter’s friends helped to positively reshape the way he saw himself, when they modeled how healthy relationships should be for him. Many posts have already made in the fandom about how this was the case in every episode that Hunter was featured in (from Hunting Palismen onwards), so I’ll only show the recent examples from Thanks to Them below:

I like how during all of his screentime, it wasn’t obvious to us whether he had good beliefs about himself, right up until we see him at his happiest, in his cosplay outfit and secondly when he expresses his desires out loud to Belos while being possessed.

Learning healthy behaviours from positive influences outside of himself (sometimes, in therapy speak we call this “introducing a foreign element” outside of the client’s own familiar world, to introduce real change), because he had no reference points to draw upon from his own knowledge, is what got him to begin understanding and believing he deserves better. Such recovery work can’t happen within a vacuum, since no man is an island. Some form of connection is needed as a catalyst.

And ajhdhkjkljdfd I am so so proud of him that he could already practice these modeled behaviours himself at least a couple of times, supported by Flapjack's love, after being equipped with the love he needed:

Now, without Flapjack, I am on the edge of my seat wondering how he sees himself, and while he will never be the same again..I wonder how he will find his way back to liking who he is. I hope to see a more in-depth, layered and raw version of these where he has to face himself...and Flapjack is not going to be there this time..:

Especially since his “I like who I am right now” has been so greatly challenged by Flapjack dying by his own hands.

The author's breakthrough after meeting her younger self in her imagination, during her own EMDR sessions, was that she now understood in her heart, not just knowing in her rational head, that her parents did not provide her with healthy love. With that, it became clear what it was that she needed.

This is crazy important. Gradually, Hunter made his way from merely knowing (suspecting that the 'love' provided for him by Belos was not right) to fully understanding (feeling what love is supposed to be, through his friends and Camila). This concept references what I said very early on in this post about “heart work” vs “head work”. Head knowledge is the knowing part that looks for facts and can be reached quickly, but heart knowledge - trusting, believing, seeing the meaningful significance of something - can be tough to find without the aid of a support network, therapists and any form of meaningful inspiration.

The following life-changing truths that the author found in the challenging parts of her EMDR therapy sessions, are truths that were also revealed to Hunter in his character arc through difficult experiences:

I'm sure there will be amazing upcoming dialogue where his support network and found family help to further reaffirm the positive beliefs that he has began to trust about himself.

And that’s that for Part 2!

I wonder if any of the above was helpful, and feel free to comment and discuss in the notes.

Importantly, to put up a word of caution here: please do not try any EMDR on yourself under any circumstances, of course xD

Which stuff did you guys find the most interesting from this part? If anything above is pretty complex for you, feel free to DM me or comment to ask further questions~~

Part 3 will be posted next weekend.

[ectogeo-rebubbles]

3 22 23 for the end of year asks! <3

Yay, thanks for the ask! <3 (fanfic end of the year asks)

22. events you participated in this year

2023 was a big event year for me! I participated in the Sapphic Summer fic-a-thon (I wrote three 250-word ficlets, all Kira/Keiko or Kira/Winn, and also helped add a bunch of DS9 femslash prompts to the prompt list), Star Trek femslash week (two of the same sapphic summer fics I wrote were cross-posted to this event too), and WIP Big Bang (as the artist for Way Harsh, Ziyal by @cardassiangoodreads - my art will be posted to coincide with the relevant upcoming chapter hehe!).

I'd be remiss not to mention the Garashir Wedding Registry, a list of prompts for Garashir wedding related fics that I solicited during the summer hehehe! I didn't really participate in this one per se, but I did set up the collection lol! Anyway, I'm so over the moon about all of the fics (13!!! that's way more of a response than I could have ever imagined!) that you delightful people have written! And I def felt a little silly and vulnerable making it so I'm very glad that it went over so well! I feel so loved, and I love this fandom right back, and I'm just so so happy to have played any part in inspiring people to spread some Garashir love around! <3

23. fics you wanted to write but didn’t

Oh that is a VERY long list XD

a handful of fics I started this year and wrote a significant chunk of but haven't quite finished:

-fic about the return of Chloe Aka (that is, a sequel to nothing to hide) <3 <3 <3 -canon-compliant OMB Garashir pwp -Sloanshir on the astral plane -Garak/Sisko/Ross strip poker >:) -Broken Link Garashir getting together fic

a few fics i've outlined to some extent but never really wrote much beyond that:

-Sloanshir soulmate AU <3 (sort of. it's a garashir fic lol. but Sloan tries to convince Julian that he's his soulmate -FBTS Garashir AU where Garak is still an alien -that messy Keiko/Kira/Winn love triangle multichapter fic that you and I developed based on our chats, dill, lol >:3

4. favorite line/scene you wrote this year

Putting this under a cut because this post is already too long. It's from nothing to hide, it's a scene featuring Julian, Dr. Noah (Sisko's holo character in OMB), and Garak as the holo femme fatale Chloe Aka:

Aka slid a hand up his own leg slowly, drawing the fabric up with him. Julian was so mesmerized by Garak’s—Aka’s—leg being revealed scale by scale that he didn’t quite process the black strap around his gray thigh until the gun had been drawn from it. Aka looked directly at Julian, gun aimed at his chest. His gaze was as intense as Garak’s had ever been.  “My dear Doctor—”  (Julian’s heart leapt. Garak’s mind had made it into the program after all! Julian wasn’t stuck in this cursed place alone with absolutely everyone counting on him to single-handedly save the day! He had Garak now, and together they would—)  “—should I kill Agent Bashir here, or shall I take him someplace where he won’t stain the carpet?”

[xweapon]

Handling popularity

Fandom: Boku no Hero Academia | My Hero Academia Pairing: Erasermight Rating: Gen Warnings: None Characters: Yagi Toshinori, Aizawa Shouta Relevant tags: Getting together

Summary: Due to his late involvement in heroics and relevancy, Aizawa becomes a recognized hero. Only he has no idea how to handle such popularity, which is when ex-number 1 hero All Might intervenes to help! Notes: Wrote this one for the Erasermight server for a prompt that was given.

With Aizawa's late involvement in almost any hero news despite his best efforts to remain as irrelevant as possible, it was no surprise to find the media latching onto him like fleas. Aizawa, of course, hates the attention, and has no idea how to deal with the sudden wave of it as he accidentally became homeroom teacher to the most problematic class in ages. Toshinori sees him struggling with it, and decides to help him by sharing his past experiences with said overwhelming events.

Yagi feels confident on his tips, he's probably the most experienced hero at dealing with the media after all. He's also glad he has a chance to help Aizawa in some way, as well as a possibility to get closer to him. Truth was, he liked Aizawa, maybe a little more than he should, but he had no idea how to pursue him; sure, they talked about the kids, about being a hero, about being a teacher, but in the end it was always talking about work. Aizawa being a man of few words and himself being a man full of insecurities resulted in their conversations melting into nothing whenever the topic varied. Aizawa getting stalked by the media was not something Yagi was glad of, but the chance of getting closer to him was.

So they started to hang out together much more often, Yagi showing him which restaurants kept VIP customers' privacy safe, how to dress in order to blend in with the crowd, what to do if he was spotted or how to turn down interviews correctly. They were bonding, Aizawa was learning, and Toshinori had found the perfect excuse to hang out together- go to the movies, restaurants, buy clothes. As soon as they started doing stuff together talking became much easier, they talked about food in the restaurant, about what movies they liked once they left the theater, and eventually about anything anytime.

Aizawa looked much more relaxed, both because he was managing the situation with the media with Yagi's help and because he had grown to like Yagi's company. He even smiled for Yagi sometimes, Toshinori's heart melting at the sight. And it was doing so great, amazingly so, to the point Yagi dared entwine their fingers as they walked side by side one day and Aizawa's immediate response had been to hold on tighter. That was, until Yagi woke up to a hundred messages from his agency.

- Call me asap to arrange a meeting. Bring Eraserhead along.

He was confused at first, but something about the media was mentioned in the texts so he tried turning on the TV.

"RETIRED NO1 HERO ALL MIGHT AND RISING UNDERGROUND HERO ERASERHEAD THE NEW HOT COUPLE!"

There were several pictures of them together, and they truly looked like they were dating, particularly when the picture of them holding hands appeared. Shit. Yagi felt panic invade him. He reached for his phone once again, and hurried to call Aizawa, dropping a handful of apologies as soon as the man picked up.

Aizawa waited for him to finish patiently before speaking. "It's okay, really. It's not your fault. There's just one thing I need to know."

Yagi nodded on the phone, as if he could be seen. "Yes, what is it?"

"Is what the media saying true or not?"

Yagi was puzzled. "What?"

"Are we a couple or not?" Aizawa spoke slowly, separating each word.

Yagi swallowed. "I... Well, I'd want to."

"Hm. So I guess there's no misunderstanding to clear up, then."

[a-tale-never-told]

Historical Events and Questions

//Greeting everyone, Mod Sam here. Today, I'm doing something different compared to my other methods. As you know, one of the main themes of this story blog is history and how it can significantly alter our modern world as we know it. Unfortunately, given the key factor that the majority of my audience doesn't know what history even is, I took it upon myself to fix that with some... unique solutions.

//First, I tried to make two Google Docs explaining the main topics about the Stasi and the Soviet Union, but since they did rather... poorly, I've felt as if I needed to stop focusing on the worldbuilding for now and channel the rest of the writing into the characterization and dialogue in order to improve the story, which is still my main objective. However, I wasn't just going to let the historical aspect disappear into irrelevancy, though it would be less focused on untill we get deep into the story.

//Then, one of the anons came to me and suggested that I do a similar strategy for worldbuilding by organizing it into a separate tab for each key piece of worldbuilding, which is ironically enough what I originally planned to do when I had time, but I didn't because since Nagito appeared, I got flooded with asks related to him, so I didn't have time to make it.

//But now, I'm ready to answer these important, vital questions that you all have honestly been waiting for since we started this story, so I'll be going into this in question format, answering the questions that are massively relevant to this blog and the plot as a whole. So, without further ado, let's begin.

'What is the Cold War? And how does it affect the story?'

//The Cold War was essentially a worldwide conflict fought between two superpowers. On one side, you had the United States of America, coming off of their absolute victory against Nazi Germany and Imperial Japan after the Second World War, with them being the only nation that had their homeland basically unscathed or damaged during the conflict (Unless you count Pearl Harbor) and being the champions of democracy, and the other major superpower in this world was the Soviet Union, aka Russia, who pretty much suffered the absolute worst amount of damage and casualties of all countries that were involved in WW2, but had rapidly rebuild themselves to become on par with the US, in terms of military power and influence.

//The thing that made the Cold War unique was that both America and Soviet Russia never fought one another, instead deciding to channel their international, ideological influence through wars in Africa, Asia, and Latin America, supporting the participants on opposing sides, as well as a massive nuclear arms race, and what most people remember the most when it comes to the Cold War, espionage. If you have ever seen a James Bond film, you know what I'm talking about, except it was far more difficult and complex than Bond.

//The Cold War began shortly after the end of WW2 and lasted untill 1991, when the Soviet Union and Eastern Bloc collapsed and formed the modern Russia we all know and love today, leaving the US and NATO as the sole victors of the conflict. Notable conflicts and events of the Cold War era include Korea, Vietnam, the Cuban Missile Crisis, Angola, the Arab-Israeli Wars, the Iran-Iraq War, and numerous more conflicts I can't even mention here. So in short, this conflict is a major part of the story and plot.

'What is the Soviet Union? And why do they matter?'

//The Soviet Union is a complicated topic to get in itself, as I did a whole Google Doc explaining why, but if you want a simplified short version of it, they were essentially a political entity formed out of what remained of the former Russian Empire (Yes, Russia was an empire back then.). But it wasn't just Russia, it was anywhere the Russian state shared a border with, with a few exceptions. Countries that joined the Soviet Union besides the Russians were Ukraine, Belarus, Kazakhstan, the Baltic States, and several others.

//By 1917, Russia was on the immediate verge of collapse, as constant losses to the Germans, abysmal tactical command, and incredibly poor supply issues both at the front and at home caused an immediate collapse of the country. Riots broke out over food shortages, police clashed with protesters, and even with military soldiers who had mutined and had now come to join their fellow civilians in the streets. Eventually, Nicholas II resigned as tsar (Or the king) of Russia, a temporary government made up of several Russian politicians, who came together to stabilize the situation and try to control the rampant amount of anarchy and chaos in the city.

//However, they weren't able to hold onto power for long. A Russian political communist by the name of Vladimir Lenin, a hardline Marxist, who also rocked the mother of all goatees, eventually led a revolution against the government, overthrowing them with relative ease and installing himself along with his political faction, the Bolsheviks, essentially a group of radicals that were tremendously just as bad, if not worse than Lenin.

//After a brief and particularly bloody civil war, and a period of state violence known as the Red Terror, Lenin passed away in 1924, giving the reigns of power to Joseph Stalin, who is basically history's version of Maverick Storm and Junko Enoshima combined, and would become one of the most tyrannical and monstrous dictators and men that ever lived. Stalin essentially transformed the Soviet Union down a different path, at the cost of millions of deaths in the span of decades, but that's a really lengthy story for another time.

'Explain the racist system of Apartheid. How does it affect the society of South Japan?'

//Apartheid South Africa is certainly a very interesting topic in history, as it is the absolute dark reality the American state could've been if just a few awful decisions had been taken. Considering that Apartheid is a really underrated villainous part of history that doesn't even get mentioned as much as other parts of racism and bigotry, I decided to use that as the basis of South Japan.

//Apartheid was an institutionalized version of racial segregation across South Africa when the minority white population enslaved the majority black, African population and segregated them in basically every part of society imaginable, as well as dominated the culture, society, and politics of South Africa from 1948 to the early 90s. For example, there was a law that forced black Africans to be removed from their homes and forced into segregated neighborhoods, and laws made it illegal for South Africans to pursue sexual relationships across racial lines.

//Imagine if Hitoshi and Kaori never married due to the existing legislation law banning relationships between racial boundaries or if the Owaris were evicted from their household due to being African-Japanese, so that's one of the numerous examples of Apartheid. Think of the American South in the 1960s with segregation, except abysmally worse. In fact, most of South Japan's policies when it comes to racism and sexism are based off of South Africa's. Apartheid officially ended in 1991, when the legislation was repealed and elections were held in 1994 that elected Nelson Mandela, a prominent opponent of apartheid, as the first black African president of South Africa.

//In short, Apartheid lives on throughout this alternate version of Japan, as you have all been shown with Hope's Peak.

'How is Japan divided in this AU? Explain.'

//Well, the division of Japan happened due to Operation Downfall, the planned, amphibious invasion of Japan during WW2. While in our timeline, the nuclear bombs prevented any such invasion from happening due to the American government not wanting to waste more lives to take the islands, in this AU, the invasion goes underway resulting in almost the entire Western and Southern portion of the nation taken by the Americans and British, and the Russians take the Northern side of it, and the island of Hokkaido as well. Naturally, it was divided along the same lines as Germany was, with Britain and the US getting the Southern portion, while the Russians gained the rest of the North to themselves.

//Naturally, to the Japanese public, this didn't particularly sit well, as they feared being occupied and seeing almost half their culture and national identity being stripped away by foreign powers, especially Russia. But in the end, the partition was signed and Japan was officially divided amongst the three powers.

//Fun fact, China was originally supposed to get a portion of the nation in the middle of the country, but due to the Chinese Civil War and China falling to communism in 1949, they were denied that position.

'What is the Stasi? How do they matter?'

//The Stasi are essentially the foreign and domestic intelligence network of East Germany, similar to the Kgb. Formed during the 1950s, and located in East Berlin, they served as one of the most effective spy agencies of the Cold War, and the most feared.

//If you were caught by the Stasi, you are significantly screwed, as they would psychologically manipulate their victims and literally make them go insane, all the while disguising their involvement in the manipulation themselves. Think of abuse stories, and child abuse, incredibly toxic relationships, and the Stasi would certainly use such tactics to their advantage. It is disgusting yet effective to them at the same time.

//They maintain their information through an extensive network of civilian informants, only extending their reach to unprecedented levels. About 1 of every 63 East Germans was a Stasi informant, and they possibly have agents in the millions in the state, and abroad. They also financed several Neo-Nazi groups to discredit the West and spread disinformation about HIV and AIDs that the US created the diseases, and even tried to assassinate the pope. In short, they are probably the most degenerate group of individuals that we have on this blog so far, and it's saying something when we have people like Junko Enoshima and Junya Utsugi, who are scumbags on their own.

//So, I'm going to stop here for now. I'll be sure to update it when I can since this post is taking an incredible amount of time to create and post, as well as the fact that I don't want to bore you all with this, as I just felt like these were the most important topics to address so far. Obviously, this is not the end of the lore tunnel, as I'm making sure to update the lore constantly whenever I'm not occupied with the story or as the plot and the story goes on, and I do intend to explain more, just in different areas that simple posts like these cannot explain.

//I seriously hope you enjoyed this lore post, and I will post a link to it in the tab, in the Lore/Worldbuilding section. Otherwise, I hope you all have a great day, and I'll see you shortly!^^.

[kyogre-blue]

Windblume 2, day 1 complete. 

It was mixed! 

It felt kind of weird, because there were parts I really enjoyed and there were parts that were pretty dang bad (ie the usual genshin standard). 

I would say the biggest distinction seems to be how many people are in a scene. Once there’s more than 3 people, the quality of the dialogue immediately drops by a lot and becomes genshin standard. The scenes with the Sumeru trio and alchemist team together were often barely tolerable. Everyone keeps redundantly introducing themselves, conversation constantly sidetracks into extended technobabble without any point then awkwardly tries to hard correct back onto what the plot needs, etc. They also repeat about Amber having good eyes twice, so I’m almost wondering if they did these scenes separately and didn’t edit the group scenes properly? 

On the other hand, the scenes with 2-3 people (not counting Paimon separately, to be clear) are generally quite nice. Sucrose is very cute, Collei is very cute, their interactions are sweet. 

Sucrose in particular has a very distinctive way of speaking, and her special way of approaching situations is highlighted well. She also does a lot of what you could call extended technobabble, but it’s usually more relevant and also a form of characterization, making it feel entirely different than the awkward group conversations. Collei meanwhile is also shy but has a surprisingly stubborn and almost fiery side to her, like repeatedly complaining that she can take care of herself and Cyno is making up excuses about seeing to her safety. We also get a lot of unspoken thoughts from her, which is rare and works quite well. 

Speaking of, even with the burden of the much worse group scenes, we finally get some actual characterization for Cyno. He finally makes actual jokes now. In fact, it feels almost ridiculous in how obviously they are struggling to make him a character. You can see the writing pretty literally going down his list of character traits that we never saw before and checking them off. They also try to excuse away how badly Sumeru failed him with “he was in work mode, this is how he is normally.” (protup: even the more serious Sumeru plot should have had at least one short scene where he breaks work “character” to show his actual personality.) Again, a very mixed experience, since it’s good he’s getting characterization, but it’s really blatant in showing the way Sumeru screwed over its characters. 

Tighnari and Albedo are broadly more in line with what we’ve seen on them before, especially since Tighnari had probably the best Sumeru story quest. They both also interact well with Cyno. Tighnari is long suffering, Albedo is very off-beat in a different way so it’s a fun dynamic. When the writers stop shoving dragged out fake science discussions and social nicety introductions into the dialogue, they’re an interesting trio. The Collei, Tighnari and Cyno trio is good too. 

Other than that, it’s nice seeing the blue windblume decorations again, and there’s some nice bits of continuity about the kind of festival Windblume is. There’s a couple mentions that it’s a festival where people are encouraged to do things for themselves, and how the “windblume” is not a specific flower. Compared to how Lantern Rite gets reinvented every year, it’s nice. But, as mentioned, very sad that they removed the Statue of Seven decorations! 

I’ve been told day 2 quest is better, so I’m looking forward to that. I have faith in Mond, and I believe it can pick up the slack. Plus, even with the unevenness, it’s still vastly better than other nations’ events lol. 

[whcrror]

TOPIC : DEBUNKING CHARACTER SIMILARITIES / COPYING CLAIMS AGAINST NOVA

(please note: we have spoken to nova, and some text included will be direct dm quotes / screenshots provided by her, as far as her explanation of the events. however some screenshots have been obtained by us. she was very happy to speak with us and provide her side of the story. which as of now, we've been told has never been asked from her in the few years of this issue being public. we tried to reach out to djaq for comment but instead were met with a block, and ignoring of our inquiries).

this debate has been going on for years with callout after callout made about NOVA by someone who claims that they do not like drama or calling people out. djaq is someone who is trying to ostracize nova, and drag someone's name through the mud with zero retaliation to any of this. for years. enough is enough. i would not be making this post if a defense was not in order, as this is petty high-school drama that has been blown to a proportion that is entering the territory of purposeful sabotage and harassment as well as stalking and obsessive behaviors. i believe an explanation is required on nova's behalf with her permission.

we do not have all of the screenshots of all the call-out post, as Djaq has deleted the blog where the first callout was made. (on laetuus, or previously chryscs when the callout was posted). the earliest screenshots of mention on record is:

-

(^ found on glysimachia-blog, and here is a link to the first screenshot here). Djaq states here, that Nova blocked her (Djaq) over the similarities of their two characters. (Temperance, being Nova's OC and Gaea being Djaq's). Nova does admit that she said those words, and that she told Djaq that their characters were too similar. she's never denied that, either. however the circumstances at the time were stressful. nova admits that she said that, due to other things going on in her life. as well as a falling out with a close friend. ( i will post Nova's comments below about this in particular, as well as relevant dm's). however as someone who writes with her, Djaq must have been familiar with temperance and her old bios. i find it hard to believe that she did not know that the characters were not actually similar. however, i also have screencaps of Djaq saying that she believes that temperance and gaea are too similar. see below. so clearly, this is not just an issue that only Nova had spoken of before. that fact i thought was important, due to the claims of Nova 'blocking her (Djaq)' over that specific reason. claims which are not true. Djaq actually endorsed the choice and chose to completely cut ties. Djaq also supported Temp, and wished her luck moving forward. you might expect at the time she would have been worried about copying, whether the face-claims were similar or not.

quote from nova about the severing of ties: "so she ended up cutting ties with me. that's fine. and we did talk a little bit after i made my change. but i feel like at the time, i couldn't properly explain why i changed my faceclaim. i want to emphasize that i did not intentionally change my faceclaim to hers. yes i had known that she used beyonce, but i didn't, go out of my way to change from jenna to beyonce. but like what's more important is why i did it in the first place. by this point i've had temperance for about 6-7 years i think and her faceclaim had become synonymous with her. but i was in an unhealthy friendship, partially maybe cause of me, but overall it was unhealthy and i made temperance revolve around this friend. made everything about her weave itself into this friend's original character. but much like djaq had cut ties, this friend did after, which is fine. but it left me floundering, looking to grasp the character i once knew. with me having weaved everything that she was into this other character that i now had nothing with, i felt like i needed to reclaim her in some way, and because i didn't want to just drop her, i changed her faceclaim and worked the new au that i had been working on into her backstory and basically revamped her that way."

relevant dm's below

that fact aside, i have screenshots of a dm between Nova, and a mutual friend of she and Djaq. this implies that Djaq has indicated that there were prior issues in her and Nova's relationship. Nova had been under the impression that everything was okay. also, the screenshot above proves that as well. Nova had been blindsided, but she was respectful - and they seemed to part ways peacefully. "similarities" aside. don't worry, i will be posting side-by-side bios of temp's before and after the fc change, along with gaea's bio. i will be doing this in a separate post. this could be multiple parts. below you'll find the screen caps of the dm's with the mutual friend, which Nova referenced above.

MOVING ON FOR NOW: Djaq has recently claimed that Nova has been obsessive, and is only 'checking in on her blog in order to keep herself safe from obsessive behavior' (i will post the screen-cap of this below. for the sake of transparency, to this day i do not know who had sent Djaq this ask). however it was somewhat after the more recent callout, five months ago, which i will also include below. Djaq's response to prove the obsessive behavior on nova's part (and i will provide all of Nova's former url's that still exist. this being if you wish to check/comb through them for any posts even so much as MENTIONING Djaq or the drama), Djaq only has cited some coincidental 'isms' posting (which i'll get to later in depth), and the failsafe of their characters being 'too similar'.

you can find the post above, still up on Djaq's blog. It's even linked in her CARRD. the accusations about public templates aside, it's interesting that Djaq has been so adamant about the copying of aesthetics. especially when shortly AFTER Nova changed her aesthetic and url to chrchgrl, and started (understandably) using church aesthetics (timestamps on screenshots below) -- Djaq also began to use church aesthetics. and it is clear at this time she was checking Nova's blog regularly and knew this. (also i know how petty it is to mention this, however, if this is Djaq's main argument at this point, i am simply attempting to point out the inherent hypocrisy here. normally, we as people would not care, nor consider this copying. however since Djaq apparently does consider it copying, it is relevant here. especially since said aesthetics include Gaea and the church girl aesthetic was Temperance's aesthetic)

alright, so with those comparisons made, we'd like to direct everyone to the part of the asks i included above:

since this post, there has been no more evidence posted regarding the subject on Djaq's part. however, we did give Djaq the opportunity to provide it to no avail. also, as far as reblogging the same things (face claim related), below are some screenshots for your consideration as well.

next, i'd like to call attention to the fact that TEMPERANCE SHAW IS ROUGHLY FIVE YEARS OLDER AS A MUSE THAN GAEA IS. Temp's bio has changed in certain ways over the years, as all oc's adapt and change. however i'll have Nova's statement regarding the major character changes as well. below you'll find a dated screenshot on the oldest post archived for TEMPERANCE'S first blog, dated 2013:

next, below you have the fauna shine url, and you'll find a dated screenshot on the oldest post archived for GAEA'S first blog:

we in collaboration here, would be happy to receive comment from Djaq regarding any character changes Gaea has been through since 2018. However this proves that Temperance has been around for quite some time, and much longer than Gaea. quote from Nova, herself : "honestly the biggest change that came with temperance from all of this was the fact that i felt like with the revamp, i couldn't just have her be a doctor anymore to be honest. before i was cut off by both djaq and that friend ( who really doesn't need to be involved so i don't want to mention ) it just felt wrong to keep going as though nothing had happened. before the cut, i fell in love with the idea of an au of temperance never having been a doctor at all and instead owning a bakery. so what i did was take that au and find out just how seamlessly i could put it in her story. so instead of her successfully finishing medical school, i changed it so she dropped out within the first year and instead ran off to open sweet temptations, her bakery. and that's where i've been writing her ever since."

to bring up the point below about 'dodging asks' or trying to cover things up:

i do understand not wishing to let things slide under the rug. which we believe Djaq is now doing - but again, this will be referenced later in part ii. however, there have been private conversations since the accusations, of which nova has been more than cordial. there's also an apology djaq has sent her, all of which are included below for you to see. after this apology however she continues to be aggressive in public, as is clear by now.

also, regarding the above claims regarding the commissions, i have the caps of the conversations between nova and jayne to prove this was not a lie.

NOVA'S PAST URL'S FEATURING TEMP AS PROMISED.

ferocitersubtilis-archive, ferocitersubtilis, opportuniists-blog, falsiifiedmemoriesarchive-blog, falsiifiedmemories-v2, falsiifiedmemories-blog, doctcraa, doctcra-a-blog, mysericordia-a, mysericordia-arc, conmiseracionn, myseracion, chrchgrl-arc, chrchgrl, khalaesi, coilicah, coilicaha, defiantdelicacy

stay tuned for part ii. @whorrcr

[mystiika]

an npc from isaac's life

it took a very long to find an fc i like but i have officially determined miss bernadette peters to be the fc for isaac's mother, aka amelia lahey. she died from complications after isaac's birth so he only "knew" her for about a day. i always put off writing out anything about her personality from bad experiences with camden blogs of brothers past, but i figured writing him for a decade is long enough to go without properly talking about her anyway. its not like growing up without her doesn't still affect him in adulthood. her death was the cause for his earliest feelings of survivor's guilt & isaac still has to actively remind himself while thinking about her that her death was not his fault however i'll get into that more in a bit.

before i really get into anything i want to put a quick trigger warning. death is obviously mentioned but her past involves fertility issues & miscarriages along with pregnancy complications eventually resulting in complications during isaac's birth to which she succumbed to a day later. some things are mentioned more than once though & i'd rather just put it all below a cut than risk anyone catching anything by accident if i miss a tag somewhere but i'll try to put all the major key words. also nothing about her personality or medical history is all that important to interacting with isaac. if its relevant, he'll tell your muse himself or i'll bring up things if context feels needed.

anyway, onto her <3

amelia was always a really kind soul but was loud & proud of the things she cared about, standing up to bullies 3 times her size for being mean to people in her presence & was sort of seen as a bit of a loose canon if you pushed her to it. but she grew up so loved in a big family that she'd hoped she'd be able to create in her own marriage. for her, motherhood was something she’d like to think it was something she had been good at, something she would have been good at. she always avoided the "grown up" table at family events, more interested in playing with the younger kids & as sort of seen as a baby whisperer of sorts. growing up, she had always been told she’d be a great mother & she prided herself on that fact among so many other things, mind you. as a side note mother hood is heavily mentioned but that's because of how she relates to camden & later isaac, & i don't mean nor want to imply that motherhood was her one & only dream, nor was it her entire personality & i feel like that doesn't really read much in this post. she loved flowers & music & taking camden out on mother son dates. she loved picnics in the park on a sunny day. she loved the beach & the sound of waves. she loved science & medicine which eventually led to her job as a nurse. & as difficult a job as a nurse could be, she knew that her tired feet were the result of making a difference even if its just one patient or family at a time.

this next bit is from an old post from her perspective after her death & it feels like a good way to show what her feelings would be looking back on isaac now. "she’d like to think motherhood was something she had been good at, something she would have been good at. growing up, she had always been told she’d be a great mother & even though in hindsight she shouldn’t have tried so hard to convince simon to have kids, but she had been so desperate for a family & for a family with him. she wanted to be a mother, to be able to love & raise a child of her own, watch them grow both physically & as a person under her gentle guidance, & to be able to help them whenever they needed her. she had a few good years with camden & she was sure he had known exactly how much she loved him but with isaac, she had never been a mother at all. she was the one that abandoned him from birth, condemning him & his brother to a life with a father who never truly wanted children despite any real love he felt for them. she’d like to think she was a good mother, but no adequate mother would have done something as terrible as that." the ending is perhaps a little more intense than the reality but its her feelings on the matter so who am i to say. 

i will say, the desperation mentioned above had been a rather slow growing feeling than something she'd started out with. while she always knew she wanted kids & to build a home life like the one she'd had growing up, she hadn't really been rushing for it. for a time she was happy just living her life with her then boyfriend, soon fiance turned husband. he'd never really been the type to dislike children & was quite good with them. but it wasn't something he really saw in the cards for himself. it was only after they started trying for kids that it became a stronger want for her life & he started to wonder if the journey to get there was really worth it all. the women in her life had grown & married & started their families. motherhood started to grow to be more of a priority & after a good bit of talking about what that looks like for both of them, simon agreed to their having kids ( thankfully the conversation was before their marriage so that's a good practice at least but that's neither here not there ) he had a lot of apprehension about it, fears about the type of father he would be & how he was worried that he'd end up just like his dad ( which, spoiler, the abusive alcoholic truly doesn't fall far from the tree )

but all his worries she was able to dispel & so started their journey for a family of their own. by this time simon was forced to move back to his hometown of beacon hills from where he'd met & married amelia in the mid-west — all in order to take care of his father. his mother was long gone by then & the bitter old man had driven everyone away from him leaving only simon acting purely out of filial obligation. he hated it. he hated being around the father who'd been so terrible to him, he hated the town he'd tried so hard to get out of, & he hated that he'd dragged amelia away from everything & everyone she had ever known, but she'd refused to let him move alone. she was his only oasis & as guilty as he felt, he was so incredibly grateful to have her support.

within a few months of their move, they discovered she was pregnant & the both of them were overjoyed. she missed her family terribly & being able to start her own made her feel a little bit closer to them all. & simon needed something else, someone else in his life to make his life a little happier. unfortunately she had a miscarriage not 2 weeks after receiving their first ultrasound & she was beyond devastated. she was left grieving this loss as if she'd carried to term & had held the baby in her arms. & she had every right to feel that way. simon didn't react quite the same. to him that baby was just a jumble of cells with a heartbeat, not yet a person he'd grown to love. he grieved it, but more so as the concept of a family it represented. to him, a baby he could hold & care for would mean he'd no longer be grieving the loss of this baby. of course he kept this to himself for fear of making amelia feel invalid of her own very real version of grief ( so credit to him for this stuff at least ). frankly, he really was a good husband to her & actively tried his best to make sure he never slacked in that department.

this was also only the first miscarriage. as it would turn out, she had little difficulty getting pregnant, but rather seemed unable to carry to term & every time it would happen she'd be depressed for months, eventually allowing herself to try again only to recieve the same result. after their first, they assumed it was a fluke when their next time they were able to last into the second trimester. but she then miscarried again. after the 3rd miscarriage over in 4 years, simon insisted they see a specialist to find out why it was all happening &, more importantly, fix it so that they could have the baby she so badly wanted. by this time she'd slowly cut back on hours at work, having to take so much time off work in order to grieve ( & thankfully her employer & coworkers were all understanding ). meanwhile, simon wasn't sure how much longer he could take it all. he loved her beyond all words but it gutted him to watch the love of his life suffer so terribly while he could do nothing except watch her face grow tired as she started to become a shell of the woman she once was. she blamed herself as if it was a choice she'd made to lose every child they'd made together & he couldn't stand that.

& to simon's credit, they found their answer quite quickly. while it was unclear what, if anything, had caused their first, the subsequent miscarriages appeared to be as the result of a weakened cervix. a position that wasn't uncommon by any stretch. simply, the next time she gets pregnant they'd put in a small stitch to make sure the baby was able to remain in place. & as promised, the next time she became pregnant they did just that. & so camden came to be. the birth wasn't easy, it was long & painful but when she held her baby boy for the first time she knew undoubtedly all the pain & loss was worth it just to have him.

for a good few years they were a happy little family. simon was better at fatherhood than he'd expected but seeing how happy amelia was & how absolutely fantastic she was with cam, it was such a relief knowing he had her to rely on. then when cam was 5, their lives started to change again. to start, simon's father passed away, & while he didn't enjoy the feeling, he was glad he was gone. he was a miserable & mean spirited man who simon had never let cam be in a room with let alone meet. but knowing that the reason for their move was gone, they had to reassess if they were going to move again. in the end, the answer was no. she'd built a life there & so had camden. so with his father gone, simon agreed since it would make them happy.

it was also at this time that amelia brought up the idea of having another child. they no longer had to worry about taking care of simon's father & they had more than enough money to feed another mouth. simon on the other hand was far less willing. sure they knew the cause of the miscarriages, but pregnancy takes a toll on the body & from all the complications she'd had during cam's birth he had every right to be apprehensive. but in the end, cam was old enough not to need constant attention & amelia was right, they had both the time & money. 

so once again she became pregnant quite quickly. both she & cam were beyond excited & simon felt a great deal of joy getting to watch the two of them. besides he loved cam, more than he'd expected, so what was another baby in the mix anyway?

as a side note, during amelia's pregnancy with camden she started making notes in a book addressed to him on things like silly cravings he'd given her or the first day she felt him kick, a book she continued up until the day she died, her last entry being the day before isaac's birth about how she knew he'd be a good brother & write about how excited he seemed to be. isaac had one too, though there were so many more blank pages than filled when all she had were the months leading up to his birth. the largest entry in isaac's book was about how camden had been the one to pick a final name for isaac, naming him after the imaginary friend he'd had. this book ended up in the box with all the other things she & cam had crafted for him.

during her pregnancy with isaac there were a few more problems than with camden, eventually landing her on complete bed rest until the birth. but during this time camden was learning all there was to know about being a big brother, even writing down important things he wished he knew earlier ( keep in mind he's still only 7 ). all in all they ended up making all sorts of things to give isaac once they brought him home, letters, cards, homemade books, drawings of the 4 of them together or at least how cam had imagined them to be — though the box wasn't something isaac saw until he was nearly 7 himself.

knowing how difficult cam's birth had been, simon & amelia it was best to book an appointment for a c-section. unfortunately isaac was too eager to meet the world & she went into labour 2 days before their appointment which meant that they had to try giving birth normally if or until a c-section is requited. they were right to worry when they eventually had to do an emergency cesarean. really, the doctors left it too long which only made matters worse. she seemed to pull through, even waking up long enough to spend some time with isaac but later that day, more complications arose & she eventually succumbed to those injuries. 

losing her ( let alone losing her like that ) was simon's worst nightmare come to life.

———————————————————————————————

i'm going to be making this part 1 of 2. part 2 will be more about the immediate after her death & go a lot more in depth on their home life/what that looked like without her there & how isaac & cam were treated within that. links will be included here when they're up. her death was also fully preventable so i will mention winning a malpractice suit in that 3rd post as well. how he felt about her death directly will be included in part of a larger meta on isaac's survival guilt.

finally is a couple more posts written in her pov from my old isaac blog so read at ur leisure

prompt — an anon asked "are you proud of isaac?"

"Of course I am. He’s a fighter, just like his mom.”

She got to watch him grown up to be the amazing young man he is today. It was her own personal torture to watch what was happening to him and never being able to lift a finger to help him, but unlike so many as of late, her death had been final. There had been no coming back, there had been no helping her son. But even though he was forced to go through his life alone so far, she couldn’t be prouder of who he had become. He was learning to be his own person again, to go through life knowing it was okay to be a little selfish some times, that it was okay not to only worry about making everyone else happy.

”Isaac is such an amazing young man now, I just wish I could tell it to him, to say it to his face.”

prompt — a melissa blog asked "how can i help isaac?                

”Melissa, there’s nothing more you can do for him than what you already are. Just keep treating him like you are, like a son. Be the mother I couldn’t be.”