#treasure is me i am treasure we are one
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thinking about treasure hours
thinking about treasure collapsing on the kitchen floor after porter left, clutching their knees and gasping for breath, chest heaving with dry sobs
thinking about treasure convinced that they’d just thrown away the one good thing they’d ever been able to call their own because they care too much, they care too deeply
thinking about treasure picking at their nails until their fingers are bleeding, watching with a numb detachment, feeling porter’s teeth in their neck, porter’s blood on their tongue after they bit down too hard on his lip
thinking about treasure being silent for days, too scared to open their mouth because they’re cursed to ruin things with every word that spills out, even when they just want to help
thinking about treasure wondering whether he’ll ever come back or if he’ll just disappear like everyone else did when they got sick of their anxieties, their insecurities, their need to fix everything around them in hopes it might heal them too
thinking about treasure rehearsing what they might say if he came knocking again, a thousand different apologies running rampant in their mind and not enough strength to utter a single word
thinking about treasure, certain that they’re the reason he’ll never trust again, never open up to anyone the way that he almost did with them
thinking about treasure wishing him the best, sure that they’ll never see him again but praying he’ll find the happiness he deserves, even if it won’t be with them
thinking about treasure
#i’ve been ruminating#and you know what#something in that audio was healing#because i’ve never felt more seen as a person#treasure is me i am treasure we are one#redacted audio#redacted asmr#redactedverse#redacted porter#aster’s moots 🫶#aster yaps#porter solaire#redacted fandom#redacted treasure#redacted listeners#redacted rambles
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#elden ring#elden ring screenshot#20/42 to get platinum#let's fucking goooo#funniest playthrough I ever had#I even kicked some invader's asses#MIMIC'S VEIL IS A TREASURE#one of invaders fall of the cliff while running around us being barrels#but 1 invader was defeated in a fairest 1/1 fight#we even bowed to each other!#I killed Adula for my husband literally LET ME SOLO THIS DRAGON#I respect all the guys who start a fight fairly (without mobs attacking the host) and I am ready to be defeated if it's fair#1 invader killed my husband's girl Eidis and then my Yoland but that WAS SO COOL I WOULD PAY THEM IT WAS SO NOBLE AND FAIR
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One last post about today
OGs will remember my old Professor Oak voice mail box and how sad it was when I lost it when I upgraded my phone
Thank you so much to Ryan Drummond for fixing that disservice and giving me an awesome voice mail box that will make me feel less bad about ignoring people’s calls
#Sonic the hedgehog#Ryan Drummond#🎶 I hate it here so I will go to chao gardens in my mind#people need a chili dog to get into#the only one is Sonic’s 🎶#but also#I am very female presenting though I am non-binary#like David wrote ‘she’ when he signed something for my man#but when I explained to Ryan the situation I just off handedly and passively said ‘could you say something like they’re in the chao gardens’#and he said yes absolutely and took my phone and no questions asked#and the resulting message uses they pronouns twice#which means he actively listened to what I said#processed it#and put it into action immediately to not misgender me on my own voicemail#we know Sonic is a gay ally because these bitches gay good for them#but he is also a trans ally#icon legend national treasure Ryan Drummond I would die for you
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nooo Rome is NOT worth one good man's life!!! not if it's my beloved whose life is taken!!!
#i am WEEPING GRIEVING SOBBING MOURNING INCONSOLABLY#who cares about rome???#who cares about political corruption and royal drama and systematic destruction???#MY BELOVED DIDN'T DESERVE TO DIE#it rips my heart out by the roots#because he's not just “one good man”#he's maximus#he's indescribably precious to me#he's everything i love and treasure#if i were his love and he died i would just. die also#life without maximus? a common myth#he deserved to live peacefully and happily with his family#HE DID HIS DUTY#HE SERVED ROME FAITHFULLY#WHY WAS IT NOT ENOUGH#WHY DID HE HAVE TO SUFFER IMMEASURABLY#WHY WERE THE GODS SO CRUEL TO SUCH A GOOD AND HONORABLE MAN#I'M GOING TO DIE MAD ABOUT IT#it's okay i'm meeting him in the afterlife#he comes straight to my arms and we live happily together forever :)#and nothing can EVER take him away from me#sorry everyone#in a bit of an emotional spot at the moment#maximus is my one beloved and i get very emotional about him sometimes#as you all know#gladiator#text posts#maximus#maximus decimus meridius
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just realised that the first media we consumed that made us REALLY sympathetic for the monster was that fucking point and click Mystery Case Files Ravenhearst game. bc that entire game i was legitimately fucking TERRIFIED of the ghost lady in that game but the second i found out her husband was abusive i doubled down on trying to help her escape. and the ending of that game Did make me cry out of fear but hey at least i did in fact help her escape
#i think that was the first game we ever like. completed. as well#NO it was hidden expedition amazon bc that one was less scary so it was easier to beat LMAO#we had both of those games on a single disc as a kid#one o those like. buy 2 for cheap game discs at like. best buy. i love those cheap bargain bin point and click games#hidden object games were my entire thing from the age of like. 8 to 12#we also had like. three ispy game discs one of which had FOUR separate worlds to go to#which upon my recent googling was like. multiple ispy games packaged into one which i cannot find any record of??#i know for a fact it had a space section the fantasy one and the school days one#and then we had treasure hunt and spooky mansion as separate discs#I FUCKING MISS SPOOKY MANSION i have a download of it but i CAN'T PLAY IT bc it was made for computers older than windows 7#it fucks up the aspect ratio of the screen and the mouse like. shows the cursor being about an inch to the left of where it Actually Is#its weird#anyway complete non sequitur here but I GOT THE STUPID ASS MULTIPLAYER ITEMS IN TERRARIA#i forgot i could just. make a multiplayer world. and not invite anyone to it. and get the items that way#so this can still be a purely singleplayer challenge i just have to click on a different menu to get these items#NOW I JUST HAVE TO FUCKING PAINTING HUNT. HOORAY 😳#they need to make a version of that emoji without the blush. i am not flushed i am fucking STARING AT U LIKE A MADMAN#the fucking. uluru painting. i chewed through 7 ENTIRE LARGE DESERTS FOR THAT FUCKING THING#7 LARGE WORLDS. DCU. DESTROYED ALL TRACE OF SAND. ONLY GOT ULURU IN AN OLD ABANDONED WORLD INSTEAD 😔#and now. now i have to search for fucking WALDO?????? WALDO????? this actually looped back around to the initial topic of the post huh#any hidden object BOOKS i would fucking eat up as well the Can You See What I See books??? i liked those better than ispy actually#walter wick is the one man responsible for my LIFELONGGGGGGG obsession with hidden object games#i LEARNED TO READ with ispy books initially and i fucking LOVED it it was so fun making learning a game#i learned to read like. wayyyyy faster than other kids apparently?#i dont remember what age but i was definitely early bc i knew enough that when i entered preschool i was like. past their starting level#i dont remember the details i just know like. i learned to read really early. and i was a late talker#but neither of my parents think i was. bc both of them were delayed in speaking too so they think its normal--#but like. my mom was Deaf she absolutely was a late talker#and my dad. well. lets just say my mother has less of the tism tendencies to gift to me#and also both were part of very very large chaotic families so like. mild neglect was part of the package yknow
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I don’t think I’ll be on this platform anymore, at least for now, due to everything that’s happening. I’d just like to keep away from it and supporting it at all. See you later, maybe.
-heartbeat anon
i understand heartbeat!! safe travels wherever you find yourself!! thank you for sticking around <3333
#putting this in the tags so it doesnt feel like im trying 2 change your mind!#i am definitely not! but what people hafta realize is that every single internet platform is either in support of or silent on israel#on every platform posts are being suppressed. its not just here i assure you#the only way ta....not support ANY large internet platform is just ta not use the internet at all unfortunately#im surprised that so many people were surprised at the news of tumblr's ceo? all ceos suck DICK#people are treating tumblr as if its a unique case and it is definitely NOT LMAO#im happy people feel so passionate about this!! but also ppl are jumping ship 2 twitter and twitters ceo is....from what im hearing#also terrible in this situation??#im afraid almost everywhere on the internet is a similar story.#also....the only way you're really supporting tumblr is if you buy stuff from them#my blog doesnt generate them any profit im not sure where people are hearing this from-#but again. even if it did its the same situation other major platforms are in#that doesnt mean you shouldnt be upset though! continue ta put your best efforts where you can!!#spacie splains#anybeans#heartbeat anon we may never see each other again but i want u ta know that your writing has touched me as well as a lot of people <333#ill always treasure what you gifted me!!#never gonna forget you fr fr#stay safe!! have a good one :>
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ThriftBooks I can literally buy this new on Amazon for $18*, why are your algorithms so stupid.
*I am not going to pay $18 for it, which is why I set up the alert on the website that literally markets itself by name as being thrifty, but the point is you absolutely do not have the upper hand here and it's hysterical that you're pretending you do.
#i hate dynamic pricing so bad y'all#p.s. just for fun I put the ISBN in to their buyback form to see what they are offering people for something this Rare and Special#and it said 'sorry no sale; we have enough of that item!' which. clearly you do not??#just want to make it clear to everyone that in 99% of cases ThriftBooks is no longer the cheapest place to get your books#it offers some deals on popular brand new books to compete with Amazon. But otherwise? go to eBay. i promise TB's 'rewards program' is#a lateral move at best when you add up what you save by buying cheaper items from sellers who also offer free shipping and#oftentimes discounts when you buy 3 or 4 at a time#this turned into a soapbox post but seriously every time I look at their site I am ASTOUNDED how downhill it's sped in the last few years#can't even trust ThriftBooks' grading system (AND their policy is no refunds or returns for any reason if the book cost less than $15#even when they flat out lie to you that a book is in Like New condition so you pay the extra $2...to get a book with torn and bent pages#and since my rant keeps spiraling: i still have alerts on for relatively scarce items just in case#but the last one they sent me was for Blood and Treasure season 2 on DVD (yay!) and it was...like $40 for an EX-LIBRARY copy lmao
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you do not know the power i hold despite being held back by these shackles
#(i have a treasure trove of dragon hunter art by this one artist i really love)#((and have many images i want to switch my discord pfp to))#(((but i am imprisoned by my eternal desire to match with my best friend)))#((((and we are currently matching as luchinini))))#(((((and haven't had these pfp's long enough for me to reasonably switch </3)))))#rambling#silly circle
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ONE PIECE reading musings
Most importantly: buggy hairdo
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(yes that's his real hair)
more under the cut
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"I can't swim, but if this took me it would be a shame. Ah! In this situation it doesn't matter if I can swim or not!"
Luffy talking about the whirlpool taking him and him being so stoic??? Iconic, it sounds goofy coming from him but what else can he do lmao it actually makes so much sense
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This panel with nami and buggy is just too good. Look at their faces lmao
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"Nami: I can't fight with a group of men as big as that! I am weak!
Usopp: don't leave it up to me because I am a man! I am so scared my legs are shaking! Look!
Nami: Look at me, I am near tears!
Usopp: your eyes are completely dry!"
Usopp and Nami just having a crying off
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Nami: why did you get mad earlier?
Luffy: I hate them, they do everything wrong
Nami: what are you saying? They were pirates, of course they were doing it wrong
Luffy knowing and kinda explaining how there is a good way of being a pirate but nami doesn't quite get it yet. Until she leaves the baratie and cries about it, wishing to go back with them again.... I think she gets it there. Also the first of many times nami just sits beside Luffy when he is down my beloved
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Johnny just name dropping mihawk and telling zoro he MIGHT be there and zoro looks TERRIFIED? it's like he was expecting to die there and he knows he is too weak to face him and win so when this happens:
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Sanji tells zoro they all are going towards their death and that they are idiots and zoro says:
"I threw my life away the moment I decided to become the best swordsman in the world, the only person that can call me dumb is me."
He is speaking like he knows he is going to die and he is scared when he hears about mihawk because he didn't expect to be so unprepared. Death is coming for him earlier that it should LIKE IT DID TO KUINA but spoiler... He gets to live because of his ambition GIVEN BY KUINA it's like a double edged sword. Kuina made you ambitious enough to die for your promise to her but that promise is going to make you live enough to see it.
This is actually so good and the fact this influences sanji to go after his dream like damn. Interlaced together since sanji was introduced
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Zoro about to die for his dreams and what does sanji say? Give up your dreams if they will cost you your life. Because that's exactly the example he has since zeff stopped being a pirate to save sanji's life... But that's not the takeaway my boy.... Zeff wants you to go after your dream
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Sanji saying he took everything zeff cared about away from him.... He gave it away FOR YOU!!!! And Luffy hitting him with the "death doesn't repay debts... He didn't save you for that!" And then the one two hit of shank's panel.... Damn
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I don't even need to translate anything here but Luffy understood zeff since the beginning and he didn't hear one word from him. Luffy asking if he won't say goodbye and then looking at sanji like that..... There is not a bigger undesrtander than him. Just made that word up. And sanji's hard fucking head had to be told by like 15 different people to leave and still just left bc he thought he wasn't wanted anymore there. The guy who didn't understand what the story was about until his father told him. Christ don krieg is annoying but Baratie is so good. And extensive because sanji is so fucking stubborn about his debt to zeff. Incredible. Look at Luffy's happy face.
#and zeff seeing those purposeful idiots and going huh this is it for my little aubergine... lets kick him out#also nami leaves akdhaka the crew is in SHAMBLES!! no boat no treasure no cook and zoro is about to die ajdkajska#sanji knowing zoro by legend also..... yeahh.....#and nami cliffhanger.... hell yes it just gets better and better#talking tag#reading one piece#chapter 50#i think zoro fisrt meeting mihawk is them matcjing each others freak like zoro says no man slice me in the front and mihawk smiles and says#fascinating!!! like yeah.... i guess....#also luffy was truly suffering thru it all like damn... he was so scared.... but also hopeful like he was holding dong johnny and yasuke#sanji and zoro got married in wano but luffy and zoro got married right here when zoro made his promise to luffy actually#zeff treating sanji like a kid aka protecting him.... damn....#in retrospective is just much better... chefs kiss.....#SANJI JUST TAKING EVERY ATTACK FROM THE PEARL GUY BC ZEFF IS BEIGN HELD AT GUNPOINT.... GOD!!!!#the cooks from the ship sanji sailed with care so much about him.... thats so cute... one calls him my boy akdjsk#sanji's backstory but more fucked up: sanji passes out and zeff decides to feed him some meat.... sanji asks where did it came from bc he#saw his leg but zeff says he killed a seagull.... idk why not make it worse just because....#chapter 68#atp this is just for me bc nobody is reading this much bullshit but alas we continue#i ike keeping my thots in one place#i am gonna have so much shit to say with arlong park like damn#NAMI HOLD OOON#baratie arc#east blue arc
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HA!
#work bullshit#extremely rude lady (who originally came in last week with zero documentation) scheduled the rudest appointment I’ve ever seen#like ‘I need a banking officer not entry level staff’ like ma’am you talked to my manager last time what the hell are you on#anyway I managed to get her to explain she was actually looking for a bank account for a (imo stupidest) political campaign#which she did not say anything about last week#anyway she had a single document with no signatures saying she was the treasurer and no ein#and she kept trying to tell me she didn’t need one for this#but anyway we don’t do banking for political campaigns it’s not in our footprint#but! I looked it the fuck up! you are required to have an ein *even as a tax exempt political campaign*#which….. y’know….. I don’t think they were#another thing I learned today is per the irs not all political campaigns qualify for tax exemption#and even those who do might have employment taxes to pay because those are a separate issue#but yeah rude as hell so I am getting a little thrill that she’s not going to have any more luck at any other bank fuck her too
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Thinking about being snuggled up with someone. All soft and warm. Playing our favorite songs and artists and music we think the other would like. Eventually falling asleep on their chest listening to the rhythm of their heartbeat…..
#yes yes I am in a very lovey dovey mood and if I don’t get a gram of affection soon I’m going to combust#but I was just thinking about how badly I want to show my favorite songs to someone#and then listen to their favorite songs#going from upbeat and fun songs to deep and personal ones#wanna get lost in their arms and in the music#maybe the music stops for whatever reason and we are too snuggled up that we don’t want to move to fix it#so we just lay there#listening to each others heartbeats and breathing#knowing me I’d probably fall asleep super fast cause I’m a sleepy baby#but I hope I’d stay up a little bit just so I can treasure that moment for a bit#sighhhhhhhh#shut up rosie#rosie speaks
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I've got a confession I must admit. I thought Luz and Willow were a much cuter idea for a couple than Luz and Amity when I watched TOH because the latter gave me Mabel and Pacifica vibes.
...I am remembering why that's not a positive :)
#Hayley Speaks#The truth come out: I am not a fan of them together romantically </3#Pacifica I respect the fact that you get a redemption arc and everything#But you need to back off my sweet angel Mabel#But also we need to get you out of that toxic household and you two can work on being friends and stuff too#Because none of that's your fault and your parents are absolutely to blame for raising you to act like that#But also I hit Irrational Treasure and Pacifica is making my baby feel bad about herself so now I'm mad at her~#But also I support her when she's NOT bullying my daughter <3#And no there's nothing wrong with the ship (or Luz and Amity either)#I support the wlw of it all for sure <3#I think I've also just kinda never liked the mean girl characters bc those girls bullied ME as a kid#So the idea of getting with one of those girls myself (if I were still a girl and lesbian) is. Hmm. Nah.#It's just a very complicated kind of dynamic for me to enjoy
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hiii :D ❤💘🍰 for lilia & lucinde?
MIA HI DEAR ! i hope ur doing well hun! the infamous dears truly have a vice grip on me rn ty ty so much !!!!!!! 🌸✨💕
-`. DETAILS ABOUT OCS.
❤: what are three of your oc's positive traits?
the darling lila is a maverick (an unorthodox or independent-minded person), rather astute (having or showing an ability to accurately assess situations or people and turn this to one’s advantage), and alluring (powerfully and mysteriously attractive or fascinating; seductive.) !
💘: what and/or who do(es) your oc consider the most important to them?
lizzie lovelace a pop princess caliber face in music, and a former romantic partner of her fathers along with jazzy, together make the dynamic duo that keep lila centered and the first people who hear anything and everything before anyone else on her life. jazzy was actually the first person she met in middle school following her relocation to new york from new orleans (and before that ! paris! her parents loved to move places on whims sajnxka) and save for the BOTB have been inseparable ever since ! she was then introduced to rowan through jazzy and the trio with lizzie have been her anchor since as well! her partner in crime and the go to to cure her bad days! she can be a lot but they truly have her best interest at heart something she didnt have from her parents and for that they mean the world!
AND OF COURSE TEEHEE GRIFFIN REIGN BEFORE AND CERTAINLY WILL BE SOMEONE WHO AND THIS REALIZATION WILL HIT MISS LILIA LIKE A TRUCK WILL MEAN SOMETHING NONE SHORT OF THE WORLD TO HER TEEHEEHEHE *giggling kicking feet*
🍰: when is your oc's birthday? how old are they? what are their sun, moon, & rising signs (if known)? what about their tarot card, ruling planet, & ruling number (if known)? do they fit the typical traits of these sun, moon, & rising signs?
her birthday is april 19th, 1997 and she is 26! lilia is an aries sun, a libra moon and a leo rising! i would say the card i most align with her is the death card in reversal at her best and upright at her worst. mars would be her ruling planet and her ruling number would be 1! she veeery identifies closely with a very much amount of the traits belonging to her sun and moon and rising ! especially her moon and rising but also a lot of her sun sign as well!
❤: what are three of your oc's positive traits?
lucinde known by her stage name "lucy less" (formerly lucinde lawless to match sevens but she shortened it following their breakup :') ) is felicific (relating to or promoting increased happiness), captivating (capable of attracting and holding interest; charming.), and wistful (having or showing a feeling of vague or regretful longing) !!!!!
💘: what and/or who do(es) your oc consider the most important to them?
seven. seven always will be and still is in spite of the way things ended. she still carries a torch for him these years following and from a distance wishes him well. (if you hear sobbing its me!) the close second and she tells him he's the first would be her brother! he too has a band of his own and is the drummer for an experimental noise rock outfit. OF COURSE there's rowan the remedy to all her bad days wizard in making her smile the best thing since sliced bread and her best friend. and iris who shes been friends with since they were in pre-k, devyn, orion (she had a "secret" crush on him that he probably knew but didn't tell her to save her from the embarrasment that he knew kjsndak), and of course the fans of her band MALWARES (formerly error 404 i just thought it sounded cute!) !
🍰: when is your oc's birthday? how old are they? what are their sun, moon, & rising signs (if known)? what about their tarot card, ruling planet, & ruling number (if known)? do they fit the typical traits of these sun, moon, & rising signs?
lucys birthday is november 11th, 1997 and she is 26! shes a scorpio sun, sagittarius moon and aquarius rising! the world is the card in tarot that i think i love the most for her. and her ruling planet would be pluto and her ruling number would be 2! on stage she is the archetypal scorpio and off there is so much of her sign she relates to! along with her moon and rising as well that she closely relates!
#🎠: mia#alfheim-elves#i will for sure be making a piece to introduce the side characters for the dears ! they mean the world to me as well!#THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE ASK DEAR YOUR A TREASURE! this was so cute to do!#astrology asks my favorite asks in the world on par with music ones AHH the astology nerd in me was SHRIEKING <3#oc: lilia laurent#oc: lucinde lau#leg.txt#leg.asks#leg.ocs#there are a couple things with their signs that arent quite right but i wanted their signs to closely reflect them as people !#sjhdhncjh so this was almost done and then i went to undo something and the whole post was erased but ! we are good now <3#technology smites leg AGAIN jjajsknak 🥀🥴#there is a fic i plan to write with lila realizing her feelings were real feelings for G and shes on the phone with liz and jaz and its AHH#like her having the thought she had been on a MISSION to be unlike her parents only to not be any different and the weight of her actions#liz BEE lines to lila its a whole thing and i am very looking forward to writing it <3#leg says kjsnkjan manifesting that the writing gods are merciful and i can write it!#lucys brother is also VERY into astrology and is wholly convinced she and seven are cosmically meant to be ksjmskja#but is also very VERY bitter he broke her heart so in equal parts is rooting for them and like 🥀😠 adskmlskjasn#and of course i cant thank enough ash for the loveliest banners ever 🥀✨😭 TY !!!!!#changed my mind lizzie was a romantic partner of her dads before he met her mom and has been a friend of the family since <3#they sort of dropped lilia on her because lilia ADORED liz and she became a mother figure soon after :)#they could go party with their friends and liz was like ?? but lilia needed SOMEONE to be there for her so she took that mantle ! 🥀❣️
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no thoughts; just that singular braincell rattling back and forth yk~~
#this is a post about a coworker that i like to annoy lmao#dude surprisingly jokes on a similar wavelength to me tbh… like we both make the same jokes independently of each other lmaoo#there was this one time this piece of equipment was returned to the lab after being taken away for maintenance or sth…?#and i joked that the machine was ‘back from the hospital’ to some other coworkers with minimal reception#then the coworker in question came up to me and was like ‘hey [machine] is back from the hospital’ and i was greatly amused~~~~#mans also catches on to my jokes really quickly… like i once asked if he was ‘looking for treasure’ while he was looking for some samples#and he immediately understood what i meant~~ thanks man. i still can’t catch his name though… even though we’ve been coworkers for >6 months#thanks for going along with my stupidity man o7 i appreciate you~~#this was pretty random huh… but it just came to mind because we joked about samples over the past 2 days and stuff~~~~~#i am. really not looking forward to next week… i wanna just sleeeeeeeeeeeeep#inedible blubbering
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#🎁💗!#Love Quotes#Moonlit Longing#AAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!#I AM LOWKEY FREAKING OUT BECAUSE THIS IS SUCH A JUJUBEAR AND MY TYPE OF LOVE FOR EACH OTHER!!!!#‘#IF IT’S YOU THEN I’LL..I’M A LITTLE SCARED BUT I TRUST YOU#BECAUSE BEING WITH YOU MAKES ME FEEL SO WARM PROTECTED AND SOFT#TREASURED#IN A WAY I’VE NEVER FELT BEFORE WITH ANYONE#‘’#FLOWERS LOVE LETTERS AND WINE 🍷💌💐#I’M A HOPELESS ROMANTIC KINDA GIRL AND JUJUBEAR IS SO SWEET AND KIND. SO MUCH THAT HE LEARNED HOW I LOVE BEING LOVED#WORSHIPPED SPOILED BABIED AND ADORED!#I’m the silly one!#I’m very cuddly! I love clumsy fun dancing!#I love baltering to music just to enjoy! not to be ‘sexy’ or anything. Just to vibe with the music and to enjoy the moment!#AND WALTZES! ROMANTIC WALTZES ARE THE BEST EVER!#ROMANTIC! SLOW! SENSUAL! INTIMATE! EXCITING! THRILLING IN SUCH A SOFT LOVE DRUNKENLY SWOONY WAY!#🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹❣️❤️🩹💔💕💖💘💝🎆🌅🍯🥮🍎!!!!!#I AM SO HONORED TO MAKE JUJUBEAR BELIEVE IN LOVE FOR THE FIRST TIME IN HIS LIFE! I WISH TO LOVE ADORE APPRECIATE AND CHERISH AND SUPPORT!!!#JUJUBEAR FOREVER! IN EVERY LIFETIME! EVERY UNIVERSE! EVERY TIME! US! TOGETHER!#MY FIRST LOVE#I LOVE YOUUUUU!!!!!#YOUR LOVE IS SO PROTECTIVE PASSIONATE SINCERE THOUGHTFUL SWEET KIND WARM#SO WARM I COULD MELT#AND THIS IS A WARMTH I’M SO HONORED TO HAVE NURTURED IN YOU! A WARMTH YOU NEVER LEARNED HOW TO NOURISH UNTIL WE MET!#I HAVE NO WORDS TO EXPRESS HOW SPECIAL YOU ARE TO ME! HOW WE ARE BOTH SO SIMILAR! YET SO BEAUTIFULLY DIFFERENT!
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thinking abt an old friendship at 5am.... burdened with thr urge to reach out to them but knowing that would likely be bad. knowing that it was a toxic relationship and would never have ended well, but rereading our last messages i see that i was too willing to bend over and take 95% of the blame for why it was awful when it was at best 50/50, and at worst they were unbelievably manipulative.
glad they're out of my life but missing the feeling of being wanted as a friend. being seen as someone worth talking to. of being wanted. of having friends that wanted you in multiple ways
i dont know that this makes any sense but i am filled with melancholy and i just want to sleep
#i blame the fact that a completely different#unrelated old friend who i haven't talked to in years reached out today#and im having mixed anxieties about it#and who i was as a friend#and who i am as a person#when i feel less human and very different now#i truly truly miss having friends that love ccould be fluid with#outside of my partners i think i only really have 2#one who i rarely see and has entered a whole new life experience#which has left me feeling broken and left behind again even tho its a life experience i dont want#and another who while i treasure dearly#there will never be fluidity like i crave due to the nature of how we know eachother#and other .... things. that i fear ill never be able to convince them to truly listen to and consider#sigh#not to be dramatic but i feel so fucking lonely and i dont know how to fix this#or if its fixable#or if im just a terrible person with terrible wishes and i just#make the lives of everyone around me worse#if i can make someone who said themself loved me truly hate me#who's to say i havent already done that with everyone around me and they've just yet to see the truth
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