#traumatic unpacking

[thatcatinthewindow]

I'm realizing 2014 was the most fucked up year of my life and it makes a lot of sense as to why it's hitting so hard and the memories are flooding my mind more than ever

It went:

February-ghosted the guy I loved because I was a scared little babe and dealing with the love bombing cycle from my abuser and when I realized I made a mistake it felt too late

March-Started abusing Adderall because I was trying to cope and my abuser was still lying to me about dating sites and other things plus I was super influential I was 20 so it didn't take me much to want to try out drugs and when people tell you pills are safer you believe them

April- Adderall was being taken in massive doses(not often)that would make me throw up for hours on end and I wouldn't sleep for days even though I wanted to and my abuser fainted and fell down the stairs so I told him we needed to swear that off and we stopped

May-my stepdad and his brother gave me and my abuser tomadol or whatever it's called 6 all together we took 3 each I took it slow he didn't but by morning I was vomiting profusely like literally nonstop I brought a bucket to bed with me because I was so exhausted from the wretching I had to lay in my bed clutching a bucket and my stepdads brother gave my abuser 6 more pills and he took them all went outside for a cigarette and had a seizure that ended up with us in the hospital and his mother blaming me for him taking drugs LOFUCKINGL

June-me and my abuser had been living with my mom and stepdad and I was paying her like 25 bucks a week or some shit to live there and she said he had to too and he refused and she said she wanted her keys back and she was bugging out so I went to grab her the keys and he told me I better not and when I went to give them to her he choked me and shoved me into my bed and then I had to leave with him because my mom thought it was all me and I had to take all of my savings and buy us an apartment

July- definitely getting shown complete disinterest from him and getting gaslit after finding hairs that weren't mine in our bed "you had brown hair before" cause I had bleach blonde hair at the time from long before we moved in but it was long, straight, and think my hair didn't change THAT much just cause I dyed it blonde. You can't unwavy hair for that long. I get bugged out on for smoking weed with my three coworkers at the end of our shift because two of those coworkers had dicks. I stop wanting to go home but get told if I don't go home by a specific time I will be locked out for the night despite him staying out as long as he would want any given night. I'm not allowed to have sleepovers with my best friend and cousin. I'm not supposed to be smoking weed but fuck that I told him he wasn't taking that away from me when I got back together with him the last time.

August- I turn 21 on the 9th and that day I wanted to spend the day with the girl I thought was my best friend and him and get drunk and buy a bottle of cherry schnapps (Lana phase baby)but I get told I have to go to this local bar/food spot and I tell them I don't want to because it's going to cause me to panic to be around so many people and I get told I'm making everything about me and then him and my thought she was best friend girl walked off on me cause we were walking through the park. So my 21st birthday fucking sucked. Then like days to a week later I get home after work one day after he refused to come get me and he's sitting in his car drunk off his ass and won't explain but just dumps me. And then has the nerve to tell me "but I'll let you stay the night so you can figure out what you're going to do" and I spend the night staring at the ceiling plotting to run away cross country stopping in major cities and then I realize that I don't want to do that alone so I'm going to talk to my actual best friend and see if she and her family will let me live with them and THEY DO life immediately gets so much better living with that kind of love in my life. She was the best of the best. I got the room off of her room and it was in their attic and unfinished but it was a room so I had no complaints. I went to work and came home and she cleaned up the random stuff around of theirs, gave me furniture, and decorated for me I literally cried because that was one of the most thoughtful things anyone had ever done for me. She would make sure I ate. We shared all of our weed. I'd chainsmoke too many cigarettes. We'd sit and talk and watch TV for hours. We'd go buy weed and smoke a blunt walking around the city even though it was illegal and then walk across the bridge goofing off or admiring the beauty of the Hudson or just being hyped to get home and smoke weed and eat bagels(we worked at a bagel shop). She lost her job and started working at mine and we were always together in a good way.

September- Jess finds out she's pregnant and gets extremely extremely ill with HG immediately like she was 2 weeks pregnant vomiting everywhere and exhausted it was heartbreaking to watch her like that and not be able to do anything to help other than sit with her or let her rest because she had no appetite and the guy who got her pregnant was insisting she need to get an abortion because he did not want a child. Throughout this time my ex/abuser showed up at our house had my thought she was my best friend girl who never even asked me if I was okay after he dumped me prompt me to come outside and then he showed up out of nowhere and kissed me and left leaving me confused, enraged, and disgusted. I think this was because me and my best friend would hang out with our coworker who was also a stoner but she was the one who was interested in him. So then that's when he started his love bombing shit and I was lonely because my best friend was so unwell she couldn't even spend time together. I also started hanging out with my current partner(was not at the time)again but he would use me to smoke weed and try to get in my pants too. So that wasn't good enough company to keep me away from the love bombing bastard.

October- I end up sick with severe bronchitis and have to go to the hospital and my abuser took me and then brought me home to our old apartment that night. I think I stayed another night. Then I go back to my best friends house and unfortunately she's battling her father because she told him she was pregnant and he told her she had to get an abortion or she's getting kicked out. I tell her that night that we will do what we can to get an apartment together because she doesn't want an abortion. The next morning her father kicks me out because she doesn't want to get an abortion and he thought that would work so I end up having to move back in with my ex and it's clear I'm unwanted. I see my best friend for the last time ever during this month(and I tell her I feel like I'm never going to see you again I love you when I gave her her final paycheck and money to get the bus)because she was fired unfairly but wouldn't let me quit because she had another job lined up.

November- I have limited contact with my best friend because her phone and wifi got shut off so I know nothing going on. Mid November she tells me she had the abortion. At the end of the month I throw up randomly one day.

December- the absolute worst month of my life. I find out I'm pregnant. I'm made to believe that I'm going to be apart of a loving family and that we are going to work together in a loving way to raise our child and care for her and each other and work together to make a better life so despite spending my entire life not really wanting to have a child I decide to have the baby. I was elated. I was so fucking elated I was ready and I didn't think I could be happier in my life. Then... The morning of December 7th(2 days after I find out officially I'm pregnant)I wake up to my stepdad(vile piece of shit)calling me and I'm like what the fuck why would he call so I just say fuck it and go back to sleep but then something tells me I can't why the fuck would that douche call me and I read his text and he said "please call me it's about Jess" and I'm like oh fuck I hope her house didn't burn down or her siblings get hurt or her parents are okay and I called and I was not ready for the words he said "she was hit by a truck and she didn't make it" I fucking wailed. I spent more than half the day sitting there waiting for her to call me like "hahahahahaha I got you bitch" thinking she ran into my stepdad and wanted to prank me but then the texts and messages from other people came(including my current partner but he offered his condolences and then had some snide ass shit to say about me being with my abuser so I'm a dumbass cause the 🚩🚩🚩were there)and then I had to tell other people. Including my mom who screamed her face off in my ear just like she did when I told her our dog died. It was really difficult having to tell our coworkers because I was their supervisor and they all knew how much she meant to me but she also meant a lot to them and none of us were given a chance to properly mourn. Her wake was devastating. I'll never look at a fucking body at a wake again. I couldn't go to work the next day and then my manager had the nerve to be a complete bitch to me and I was both dealing with the worst death I'd ever experienced and severe vomiting and nausea from being pregnant. She told me I was lucky she didn't fire me. Then about two weeks after my best friend died my abuser started to ask me why I wasn't over it yet. Why I was still crying. Why I wasn't happy. Why I was down. Because it's been so long already I should be getting over it already according to him. So. There was that. Then three days before Christmas my great aunt dies and while it was less of a blow to because she was in her 90s and suffering from medical problems it was still difficult knowing what my family was going through.

I never realized that all happened in one year until today. I never realized how much trauma I went through in just one year and that's not even close to the amount of traumatic shit I've been through. It makes a lot of sense to me why this 10 year mark has been so fucking hard and why I can't get my best friend out of my mind. Anyways if you read this holy fucking shit thanks I love you because this is all just me rambling and trying to put this in one place😅

[keeping-up-with-the-sanders]

Orange: Don’t you just love how mental disorders are just buy one get seven free?

Patton: I didn’t even really want the first one. My old boyfriend made me buy it.

Roman: Mine’s a family heirloom, passed down through generations.

Remus: Same.

Janus: I think mine was one of the things my dad threw at me as a child.

Logan: I’m pretty sure my parents gave it to me because they shoplifted it and didn’t want to go to jail.

Virgil & Andy: Ours came in a package deal: Being gay, homophobic parents, mental illness.

Remy: Bitch, you had parents?

Emilie: Mine was the last thing my parents gave me before they abandoned me in the middle of a Wendy’s parking lot.

Thomas: Jesus Christ, are you ok?!

[notpercieved]

Sometimes i think about the fact that Jing Yuan has no one he can lean onto and be completely vulnerable, you know those situations of "i look for an adult, but it turns out im the adult" situations? Thats him

Im not saying he has no companions, he does, old and new, but there always feels like a gap inbetween them, a bridge no one nor him wants to cross, either its from his fear of losing more people in his life without realizing or his title as a general

His position doesnt help him in that aspect either, because if the people sees their leader waver it would shatter the trust, he always has to be multiple steps ahead all the time and put a front that he knows what hes doing no matter if he does or doesnt

Hes not alone, and yet he keeps everyone at arms length, surely itd get lonely eventually?

[perfectlysunny02]

“And you trust that?”

“Me and Hondo? A 100%”

I KNOW THATS RIGHT.

[gideonisms]

My impression is that John admitted to those things because it gives the illusion that he's being upfront and forthcoming, while also avoiding admitting something much worse. Like... If a teenager breaks something, and admits to having a bad grade so their parents have something less severe to be distracted by? I think John has that kind of juvenile urge, taken to a frightening psychological extreme. And that obviously begs the question, what has he done that admitting to That Shit was the better optical choice? It's really interesting to think about

I think this is definitely a plausible read of his motivations! It's hard to say what exactly he was thinking but it does seem like he wants harrow to approve of him in some way even as he admits these things to her. Fundamentally I think John misjudges her level of commitment to him, and maybe he thinks they're on firm enough ground that he can admit to anything and she'll forgive him. It didn't work with alecto, cytherea, mercy, or augustine, but who knows! Maybe this time will be the time. He seems trapped in his own cycle

[wallbeatjournal]

Archie hallucinates a lot. Thoughts?

oh. so many. unsure if insightful but

as a ptsd symptom:

this starts after grundy (archie's first hallucination is when he imagines the talent show auditorium full of wolves)

ptsd-related visual hallucinations are most commonly associated with sexual abuse and thought to be connected to the way the brain reworks its understanding of danger following major trauma. can't trust the standard senses anymore, better layer in some additional signal

archie has a few not-in-touch-with-really-real-reality symptoms going on. hallucinations but also disruptive trauma flashbacks, and repressed/distorted memories

as a storytelling mechanism:

archie doesn't unpack his experiences by talking through them, the way other characters do. he's quite isolated, and showing these hallucinations (and flashbacks, and dream sequences) onscreen is a way to communicate his inner state to the audience...without actually ever having him open up to anyone(!!!!)

there's such a dark and tragic parallel between archie's post-grundy stage fright wolves-in-the-crowd vision and archie's post-hiram fake graduation army guys vision. in s1 he chooses to stay there in that auditorium and tryyyy to connect to veronica and fred. in s4 he's in such a box (mentally and practically) that he just...follows them out and enlists

i love the way the ghosts of his army friends haunt him in s5 - it's a guilt thing, it's a military ptsd media trope, AND it's a parallel to jughead's AA support group. it's archie (over the course of the season) contextualizing some of his experiences within a broader culture of predation and abuse and survivorship and becoming less isolated / more willing to believe he can actually be a part of a community (which flows into the unionization plot and realization that defeating percival requires a teamup, not an individual martyrdom)

[the-moogle-of-your-nightmares]

one thing i really deeply wish is that i'd had access as a kid to the plural community and information that are more easily available today, instead of my first experience with plural community which both took it seriously and was nonjudgmental having been 10's era tul/pa.info lmao

[ardentpoop]

I once saw a post headcanon that the spn finale was all just deans heaven, not sams. It was what dean wanted for sam, we don't even know if it was what sam wanted anymore. It would explain why we never got a clear picture of the wife or even saw her again after the blurry scene of her, dean would have only cared about sam and any children that came from him. In reality, maybe sam lead a very different life after deans death, and maybe that really was him on the heaven bridge to meet dean, or maybe it was just a projection of him that deans heaven conjured up

I do like this better than canon’s frankly very superficial and romanticized ending bc right, sam having a perfect “apple-pie life” with a perfect american wife and a perfect american kid he named after his dead brother is very much Dean Winchester Fantasy that of course could have never come to pass while he was alive - dean needed to die for that to happen, but it just… it simply couldn’t have been as rose-tinted as that montage made it seem, after everything sam had been through by the time dean died. early s8 was the last time sam tried fighting for a way out of the hunter life and he got punished for it over and over again. late-seasons sam is all “I realized how wrong I was every time I Ran Away” and “this life is Right for me but I can’t do it without my brother” - he stays tethered to it for dean and dean alone. once dean is dead for good (ultimately of his own volition might I add - it’s not even a question whether sam will try bringing him back against his will bc that treatment is reserved for sam whose body belongs to dean as long as he’s alive) it suddenly becomes acceptable for sam to live for himself as opposed to for their Heroic Mission.

ough the idea that the sam joining dean in heaven was just a mirage of him….. delicious. bc dean is happiest when sam fits neatly into the Baby Brother skin he mostly outgrew ages ago anyway!!!! however I also like the idea of actual sam joining him there but really not fitting into the whole bizarre tableau (john and mary are there too Jesus Christ) and reacting so badly that jack and/or cas have to step in. like, heaven is rejecting him bc he’s a foreign object type beat (cue sam’s old religious guilt)

I’m gonna wrap my head around it eventually! I get overwhelmed when I think abt it too hard lmao. TL;DR it makes me feel sick and I want to share that feeling w/ the class by exploring it thru fic 💕

[kingcunny]

Viserys x Lyonel interactions are sooo underrated. I especially love the "good king" conversation when Viserys tells him he's "right as always." The entire season, Viserys keeps trying to get Lyonel to play his flirty petty ego slap fight games like he does with Otto, and Lyonel just does not know how to respond. He's aware and observant enough to know that Viserys is just being a Targaryen, and none of his interpersonal relationships are normal. But it's very, "I don't know, man. I just work here," energy from Lyonel. And Viserys gets so visibly disappointed when he won't play along.

god yes please i need to convert more people to my lyonel x viserys agenda. its probably the closest viserys comes to a healthy relationship. but viserys is still his BOSS so its not like lyonel can. directly reject him.

viserys shows such a vulnerability to lyonel that he doesnt show with anyone else. the “good king” conversation the “truly great targaryen king i am” during the hunt. even coming to him for advice about who he should marry (and viserys acting very different from how weve seen him act around anyone else…). he doesnt share these anxieties he has about his legacy with anyone else, just lyonel. and lyonel could very easily use this to his advantage, but he doesnt. but he also refues to stroke viserys ego about it. he just continues to give him good, honest advice. and thats probably why viserys feels so comfortable opening up to him…

and yeah you almost get the sense that as perplexed as lyonel is about viserys targaryenisms toward him, viserys gets just as perplexed about lyonels refusal to take advantage of him, like otto, or fluff him up, like daemon, because thats all he KNOWS.

[studyinglavender]

sorry! but i am never going to be okay with the covert unless it is reformed significantly. maybe it doesn’t fit the ‘technical definition’ of a cult but it is nonetheless a harmful creed. the person being baptized in 3x01 was a child no older than 16. if you are being asked to follow the way or leave, sure- you’re given agency. but if it’s the only community you know? you’re staying. for din, especially pre-grogu, it wasn’t a choice. if he took off his helmet and became an apostate, he would lose the only family he has ever known. do you not see how fucked up that is?

it’s unfair to compare it to a religion which requires full covering at all times, because even those religions allow you to be unclothed in private, among your family members, and in emergency scenarios such as a life-threatening head injury. there is no inaccessible repentance process if you do not abide by those rules. whereas the creed requires the helmet to remain on at all times (in s1, din said it could not be removed in front of a living creature, but that exception wasn’t specified in the armorer’s questioning in bobf or in the baptism from 3x01). bathing in the living waters isn’t like going to confessional or praying. it is something that was considered impossible by the members of the covert. redemption for apostates was not a reality until din proved them wrong.

the covert also reminds me too much of mormonism to ever feel comfortable defending it. i felt sick watching the first episodes of s3 when din kept talking about how he was an apostate who needed to be redeemed. a fucking apostate. for taking off his helmet to save the life of his child. for letting his child see his face. for that, they were prepared to exile him from the covert, knowing full well it is the only community he has ever known. you know what’s so scary about leaving the mormon church? if you’ve grown up in it, most of the time your social network is comprised only of other church members. you’re encouraged to avoid making friends with people who may lead you astray—because they drink coffee or alcohol, smoke, swear (i’m not kidding). you remain in this small bubble, and after you are baptized at age 8 (which is the age they decide you have agency and are capable of sinning), you second-guess every choice you make. i cried because i could never remember to say my prayers or read my scriptures and i knew i needed to repent for my sins. and when i started questioning my beliefs, i was so terrified of facing the truth because i thought my mom would no longer want me in her life. i distanced myself from many friends to avoid their judgement. i knew if i left, there was no going back. i would be inserting a wedge between me and the other people of my faith with whom i had grown.

for much of his life, din has known only the covert. he was brought up as a foundling and he knew only of the creed. he was taught that the mandalorian armor belonged only to those who followed the creed and rejected the idea that there could be a mandalorian who may not hold the same beliefs. we know he was a very lonely person before grogu. the covert was the only family he ever had. how is it a choice, then? “you may leave at any time you wish,” but if he takes off his helmet, he is an apostate and he must find a new home, a new family, a new belief system. he would have no one. what kind of a choice is that? in what world would he ever want to take off his helmet?

so yeah, the covert is not just a religious sect hiding from persecution. they are, at best, a high-demand religion, where allowing your child to see your face is an unfathomable act that necessitates redemption. if din djarin remains part of the covert as it stands, that’s extremely disappointing.

[spocks-kaathyra]

"ur repressed" okay well have u even considered that emotions r purposeless and only serve to cause harm to those around u and I have achieved a unique transcendent state beyond them. have u considered that

[ruminate88]

This year hasn’t been easy but don’t think and stress about all the goals you didn’t hit 🙏🏻 but look at the progress you’ve made!

Woooooo so, last fall/Christmas I fell off a ladder putting up Christmas lights and had deep bruises on my legs which actually mirrored back to me that I had deep emotional wounds 🥺🫶🏻 wow…. So I started this “healing journey” and needless to say, I’ve been slowly unraveling the past and the tangled AND unresolved feelings ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹

Also a tragedy happened with my in-laws back in Jan. It was a traumatic event and put everyone in a grief state. I was already feeling sad over my past as I was learning about emotional abuse and realizing who I believe my exes were and WHY I am the way I am since being betrayed by them. I eventually learned about betrayal trauma and was making sense of it all.

I did feel I was getting into a trauma bond with my mom in law as what happened to the family was cruel and heartbreaking. My mom in law was leaning on me cuz I understand the situation the most now that I am self aware of myself and my past. We did so much talking but a lot of it was sad 😓❤️‍🩹 So that brought me low for sure…. Eventually I tried NOT to talk about it so much with her cuz it only brings us down.

at some point I felt my whole life was trauma on trauma on trauma….. why was I experiencing SO MUCH TRAUMA?? I still don’t have the answer to that but I have learned a GREAT DEAL and I’ve had to seriously challenge thoughts and beliefs about myself. I’ve had so much grief and even more numbness but eventually in the last month or so, I’ve been able to cry again ❤️‍🩹👍🏻

CRYING IS HEALTHY 🙏🏻👍🏻 Not just crying but SCREAMING and even kicking. It’s NOT dramatic or crazy. It’s truly releasing the trauma. I watched my mom in law full on lay on her bed face down and kick so hard and cry out cuz of the pain that was inflicted in January 🥺😳 So… I would say this year was eventful both sad and tragic but good too! I’ve had my eyes opened a lot this year!! I feel I’ve done good considering it all 🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻

Idk what all the trauma is bringing or teaching me but I’m still learning and transforming daily!!! IT’S NOT OVER ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹 I feel my mom in law and I did break out of the trauma bond recently cuz it wasn’t meant to last. I feel she’s accepted the situation and gotten SOME peace over it 🙏🏻 Idk what’s coming next but I’m open to whatever is meant to happen next!

Also, this past year I’ve been daily working to forgive my exes ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹 even believing they’re probably not sorry or think they did anything wrong but I don’t have any proof so can’t judge them but forgive them in my heart!

[angorwhosebabyisthis]

i think one of the things that upsets me the most about velma and shaggy's relationship in sdmi--and boy there is a lot--is that not only is her constantly ''correcting'' him for minor, harmless, and usually completely reasonable things with physical and emotional abuse, well. abusive by itself. but so many of the things he does that she treats him that way over are very autistic things, and what she subjects him to is textbook abuse aimed at autistics in particular. (including the part where she gets more and more pissed whenever attempts at said emotional abuse fly over his head, because he's too bad at picking up cues for them to land fully.)

[cws: anti-autistic ableism, ABA, self-harm, physical and emotional IPV, victim-blaming, and abuse apologism. it's a lot and it's really fucking bad lmao]

-

like. there's a lot of examples there; shaggy's behavior coming across as autistic is worth a whole post of its own, and a lot of media depicts abuse targeted at autistic traits because ✨️hooray ableism.✨️but she straight up tries to Fix Him (read: force him to perform a Presentable Personality) by forcing him to wear clothes that are sensory hell, and trying to condition him to self-harm every time he does some small harmless, reflexive thing she thinks is Poor Socialization until he stops. and to catch himself doing it, and punish himself, without being prompted. i cannot fucking overstate how fucked up that is.

they even got down the fun little aspect of ABA where the methods of conditioning-through-pain are presented as toys and kiddish things: she gives him a rubber band to wear on his wrist, and tells him to snap it as hard as he can every time he says 'like.' 🙃🙃🙃🙃

like. this does not begin to scratch the surface of the abuse she puts him through in general. and again, characters being abused for autistic traits with the approval of the narrative is a common thing in media, which sucks. but holy fucking shit! they really took the 'violent ableism that is done to autistics irl' to the next fucking level here!

.......and it's portrayed as kind of cringey, immature teen drama on both sides. the self-harm, his dread over how much he knows it'll hurt, and the extreme pain it causes him to the point of screaming are all supposed to be funny. and her arc is all about learning to accept that she deserves better, because she was repressed and had low self-esteem and therefore putting him through fucking DIY ABA didn't make her happy.

🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃

anyway if you couldn't tell i can't fucking stand sdmi velma and i have a lot of words in me about it. when one of your main heroes would have made a way more compelling villain as they are, on a more mundane level compared to all the wild fantastical shit they go up against, holy shit go back to the drawing board you have fucked up. she could have been genuinely good representation of a marginalized person dealing with the trauma of her experiences in some shitty ways she has to grow past, and an interesting flawed character, without being absolutely despicable--hell, she'd have made a great foil to pericles if they'd handled him decently too. they have a lot of parallels, which only gain more depth when you add their respective parallels with cassidy into the mix. and it really fucking sucks that we got this instead.

[a-concert-just-for-me]

Arcane s2 spoilers

Powder in episode 7 is so unsettling to me. They neurotypicalized my girl. She’s in regular girl clothes and has a boyfriend and a stable job and is able to think rationally and also work towards her goals and reach her potential…she’s no longer #hashtag relatable. That whole arc had me like “put it back!!!!! I need that girl to be fucking insane!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

[definitelynotshouting]

Why do I get the feeling that the Grian and Pearl convo is not going to help and is in fact going to make everything worse

I feel like the conclusion is going to make everyone guilty

On gods they are both fumbling the bag with this conversation SO badly,

[kittlyns]

.