#i’ll unpack that later with my therapist

[perfectlysunny02]

“And you trust that?”

“Me and Hondo? A 100%”

I KNOW THATS RIGHT.

[carmyberzattosjournal]

Therapy Files 2: Splinters in the Water (Therapist)

Summary: Carmen Berzatto is the most interesting patient this psychologist has met in the city. (669 Words)

Warnings: I am not a psychologist; this is not medical advice. Swearing, mention of suicide, mention of alcoholism, mention of mental and emotional abuse, religious references. Feat. Darling (aka fem reader, though the reader could also be the psychologist).

Notes: Thank you for reading and sharing! This is a work in the Therapy Files Series and will be tagged with #cb therapy files.

Sideblog for commentary and social stuff: @m-z-shoroi

Day 1

It’s too late to be doing this right now, but here we go.

I’ve had a few cases that have stuck out so far—Chicago needs about ten million more therapists yesterday, this city is drowning under crippling mental illness—but Mr. Berzatto might be the most interesting.

He’s a disaster. A wreck of biblical proportions. He’s the broken slats of Noah’s Ark on Mount Ararat. Splinters in the water as it recedes. It’s like he’s held together by duct tape, super glue, and two prayers, this poor young man. Needs about a thousand more. I might add him to the list of patients to pray for, and I only just met him.

He looked like he was going to pass out when I called his name in the waiting room. He had a woman with him; she was holding his hand and rubbing his back. She seems sweet. He looked to her for reassurance, not unlike a small child. I feel like I recognize her, but that’s a problem for later. He was hunched up in his patchwork jacket, almost like he was trying to take up the least amount of space he could, and it wasn’t until he handed me the clipboard of his intake paperwork that I noticed his tattoos. He’s got some novels on his skin. Could be safe topics to unpack if needed. Lipstick print on the left hand, matched the shade his partner was wearing. He kept looking at it every time he locked up during the appointment. Also something safe to ask about.

PHQ-9 is 21. GAD-7 is 18. Suicide risk low; girlfriend is a protective factor. Referral to psychiatry sent.

Full clinical assessment in clinical notes; I keep getting off track with these entries.

Obvious severe anxiety, sure, but he’s softspoken, almost like he’s choking on his words as they come out. I’ll admit, he looked like he would be a difficult one. I know the type, I’ve had several. Significant other or parents or best friends force them to come to therapy hoping it’ll fix the damaged relationship they have, but because they don’t want to be there, the exercise becomes a fruitless endeavor. He’s not one of those. He admitted he needs help, but he’s not sure where to start. Admitted that the idea of therapy was unappealing to him, but that something had to change, and this would be a change. It’s unique. He’s highly logical and goal-oriented but also lacks organization and emotional development. Wavers between extremely attentive and absent. Alcoholic mother, absent father, addict brother who was a suicide victim, high-stress job, mental and emotional abuse. But warm. Vulnerable in his nature. A child forced to be an adult too soon, but more comfortable in that adulthood, even if he lacks the legs for it. Odd.

This kid’s got a lot of skeletons in his closet.

He has the bluest eyes I have ever seen in my life. I don't know if they're real or contacts. I'm tempted to say real because, with the state he is in, I doubt he'd want to put in bright blue contacts, but I'll have to gather more information—could be part of the masking. His hair is a mess, too. It's somehow dry and greasy at the same time, curly, wavy, kinky, some random ramen noodle shapes by his temples because he drags his fingers through it repeatedly. Seems to be a nervous tic. Couldn't hold still. He was uninterested in any of the fidgets I had available.

Prominent stammer. Wouldn't hold eye contact when speaking but held it when listening. Self-soothing face touching. Jerky movements. Mask-like flat expression. Looked tired. Looked like his soul was tired, the kind of tired I’d expect in a middle-aged mother of 4 teenage children, not someone in their mid-20s. Heightened sensitivity to sound and light. Anxious about sitting with his back to the door. It took him too long to answer basic questions—overthinking? Anxiety? Guarded? Why not all 3?

Likely all 3.

Trauma referral sent.

Appointments once a week scheduled for the next 3 months.

So, why the fuck can’t I sleep?

[thistlecatfics]

ALSO SNAPE. older teens/young adult period is such a ✨fun time✨in his life! so many possibilities! pre DE baby snape era… SWM era… immediately following voldemort’s defeat… right after harry begins hogwarts… he totally wouldn’t, but aaaagh i would LOVE to hear him unpack that first potions lesson with harry in therapy lmfao.

… also thanks to the snames post i now can’t help but imagine james and snape in therapy following SWM. i feel like james would be a much more… workable? client than sirius, especially if his parents were encouraging! would be a fun fic i’m just saying 👀

Ok he is the last one for the night because I was just like "oh I'll jot down an idea or two" and then I look up and it's suddenly 20 minutes later.

Adult Snape -

His character is like… DEFINED by not being in therapy. He (or at least part of him) is constantly living in the past and in each traumatic moment, and he does. not. move on. He survives. He does not heal. He is not interested in healing. 

Could you imagine Dumbledore trying to force him to go to therapy as a Hogwarts employee? LMAO. Snape would be like “You first, bitch.” 

Though I would love for Dumbledore to force him on a sabbatical where he did an intensive residential trauma treatment program for six months then six months to do potions research somewhere with no children and no one to ask him questions, and it would be the reward for completing the program. (That and a year off from teaching first through fifth years.) (I hc he actually likes teaching 6th and 7th years since he can be selective about them.) 

(I’ve never worked in non-substance use inpatient so I can’t say much about it and it would absolutely be a referral. Dumbledore’s like “so I have this guy I want in therapy…” and I’m like “... have you considered residential for him?”)

Adult Snape and I would not work well together. It would not be worth trying. (Though it’s easy to think of him as an old man but he was in his early 30s in the books lol.) 

Also if he’s being forced into therapy as an adult, he would absolutely remain silent the entire time as a test of wills with the therapist. 

Ok but younger Snape??

He only goes to therapy for Lily. Let’s imagine pre-SWM, Lily is like “I love you but I no longer like you. Go to therapy. Work on yourself. Then maybe we can be friends again.” 

Self-esteem!!! Identity! Identity in a social justice lens!! 

Definitely a lot of praise for his intelligence, but also slowly naming other values too. It would totally be a situation where I’m like “It’s ok if you disagree, but I think you have inherent worth, just as you are, separate from your intelligence. You don’t have to believe me, but I believe it. I’ll hold onto that belief until you’re ready to hold it too.” and he’d roll his eyes. Lol. 

Unconditional positive regard again as the key therapeutic factor!!

Being really careful to avoid any impulse to “fix” him and just bear witness and build trust and slowly co-create space where he can be honest about his feelings and hurt. 

As a teenager, I can’t imagine he ever mentions his family at all. I think it’s purely about his life at Hogwarts - he keeps those worlds so separate. (One of those situations where the therapist is immediately like “oh your family is FUCKED” but waits for the client to give an opening.) 

Ok post SWM???

James -

Also, yes, you’re absolutely right James would be an easier client to work with in many ways. Basically, he has a secure attachment style from parents who were able to meet a decent chunk of his emotional needs as a child, and so he is able to trust people more easily, which means therapeutic work can go deeper faster since the trust building stage is much shorter. 

I think the hard part for him in therapy would be motivation – why is he seeking therapy? He’s forced to by the school? He’d be absolutely in denial that he did anything wrong. 

I have a colleague at my old job who worked with students who were found responsible by the Title IX Officer for violating sexual harassment/violence rules (but not expelled), and I think I’d want James to go through that pretty structured program. I think I’d be too easy on him when the necessary step would really be around taking responsibility for his own actions (within a very complicated situation in which he’s not entirely in the wrong!) 

I also think he’d work better with a male therapist but maybe that’s just my bias. I’d want him to work with someone who feels more comfortable pushing him, and that’s just not my vibe. 

Snape post SWM?? 

He ABSOLUTELY shuts down. Talk to this bloody shrink about what happened?? Absolutely not. 

His main (only authentic?) relationship was just cut away (his fault, but still, it would be intensely difficult.) 

I headcanon that he really dives into dark magic during this time – not so much the Death Eaters but only Death Eaters as they are vehicles for the opportunity to explore the Dark Arts, an area where he can feel in control and powerful and so self-soothe. 

I would try to engage with him through magical theory and the Dark Arts and whatever his main interest in the present was (no judgment, confidentiality made clear), and see if we could use the magic he was creating and experimenting with as a vehicle for considering himself and his own internal experiences and feelings and needs. 

He’d be the type of client where I end up binging research after I see them to be able to keep up with them and try to be able to use it as an in for therapeutic work. 

I do think he really wants an audience for his experimentation, and so he might eventually start to enjoy talking about what he works on and we would SLOWLY build that therapeutic rapport. 

It might work, it might not, but I’d hold fast to my optimism even when it was hard. (And he would make it very hard.)

(And canonically, I think there just wouldn't be enough time to build that rapport. He'd join the Death Eaters and stop going to therapy before we get the opportunity to do some real work.)

[hibiancakes]

thoughts from the back row

as much as i wanted to keep quiet and avoid writing something, something bizarre happened today. while scrolling through tiktok. i stumbled upon the song “maybe this time,” and it struck a chord deep inside me. it sounds ridiculous, but no one in my life has ever come back for me—not even my best friend. so why did this song resonate so intensely?

i found myself drifting back to that raw moment after our first breakup, where i reached out a month later, and you agreed to call. suddenly, we were talking again like it was the most natural thing in the world. it felt like that song—i was smiling the way i used to when i had you, feeling those familiar butterflies again. the best line hit me hard: “she's back in his life, and it feels so right.” because damn, it really did. i remember how comforting your presence was, how relief washed over me knowing that the love of my life was back. it felt like anything was possible again, just because you were there.

but now, it’s not that i want you back—okay, maybe a little—but it’s more about the nostalgia. every time i hear that song, i’ll think of that day we got back after our first break up, one of the best moments of my life. it’s strange that i even want to share this with you. i keep waiting for some sign that reaching out is the right move, whether it’s through email or chat. do you even have someone new in your life? i guess i just want you back in my life because everything feels chaotic and empty without you. most of my friends have drifted away, leaving me to navigate this mess on my own. sure, we’re supposed to rely on ourselves, but right now i can’t even handle my own thoughts anymore.

i recently started seeing a therapist, which has been somewhat helpful. i’m starting to understand why my mind races the way it does. there are still countless questions, more to unpack about this world. i want to understand myself better because i need to understand others too. if i can’t decipher my own feelings, how can i make sense of the people i care about? why do they act the way they do towards me?

it’s been five or six months since we last spoke. has it really been half a year? it’s tough maintaining this silence. i’ve tried reaching out through email multiple times, however there was no response on your end. but the moment i’m at my lowest, i break. talking to someone from my past feels comforting when i’m still trying to figure myself out.

i can’t believe i keep making the same mistakes. why do i always act impulsively when emotions hit hard? i want to change; i want to step out and feel less trapped in this sadness and disappointment. but i hate that i can’t make those changes stick because i’m exhausted, too lazy, and just plain sad. sometimes, all i want is to stay in bed, away from the world.

as for you, who’ve likely moved on, i wouldn’t be surprised if you forgot about me entirely. but not a day goes by when you don’t cross my mind. when weird things happen—a bizarre customer at work, an odd encounter—suddenly, i’m reminded of you. i think about how you’d laugh or argue with me over our differing perspectives, yet love each other fiercely through it all. i miss that. i miss us.

but everything feels so different now, and i can’t shake the feeling that you don’t care anymore. they say, "you can't really unlove someone; you just get used to their absence." i think that’s true. because the moment i spot you in a crowded room, all those memories flood back—the emotions, the laughter, and even the simple conversations that once felt like magic.

07.03.2024; 10:47pm

[deeeper-than-the-surface]

Short story:

Today was my last session with my therapist of 2+ years. I used to always say “I’d go into a spiral if my therapist ever left me” when I heard that happen to other people. I guess in the back of my mind I always knew it could be a possibility. I knew this was her job in the end and she may venture into other opportunities at some point or I’ll move away, resulting in the inevitable. I knew she was human in the end. She told me she’d be leaving the practice for her dream job about a month before our last session. Once the shock subsided, I was really happy for her. I thought it was really cool that she’d be able to have her dream job. To me she was deserving of absolutely anything in life for helping me heal from my trauma. I didn’t even know how to put into words, in that moment, how thankful I am for her and what she’s done for me. It started to dawn on me that I didn’t have more time with her. I wanted to film a docu series of my sessions with her. A docu series of the realities and complexities of inner healing, trauma, and what therapy is actually like. Some people don’t believe in therapy because they feel like it would be a confirmation that they are actually “crazy” and only crazy or severely mentally ill people go to therapy. I wanted to show people what it’s actually like. It’s a spectrum, everyday is different. You don’t have to be severely ill to go to therapy. You can be someone who just needs someone to talk to through life’s day to day hardships. I used to think I had to go into therapy prepared with an idea of what I wanted to talk about or address that day. I did this out of fear of having moments of silence when there’s nothing to talk about. I later realized that, it doesn’t have to be that way. If you have something you specifically want to talk about you are more than welcomed to bring it up and address it. But, some days I’d go to places in conversations I never expected. Usually I’d spend the rest of the day down and wanting minimal social interaction after feeling like I dug deep into my emotions and trauma. I allowed myself to just be there, whenever I needed to be. I’m just grieving right now and I can feel whatever I feel about it and try to understand it better. That’s how I’d talk myself through those moments. That’s what my therapist taught me to do. She always said “just be gentle with yourself” and who knew such a simple phrase could be so comforting. Everytime I needed to hear it, I heard her voice in my head. All that to say, you always just assume you have more time with people and you’ll get to things eventually. I told her this. She explained that my ability to actually be happy for her leaving while also accepting that it made me sad meant I had a healthy attachment to her. She said I trusted her enough to never feel rushed to get things. I just assumed she’ll be there when I’m ready. And as someone who’s struggled with an anxious attachment style I never realized that. It made me feel so grateful for all the work I’ve done with her. I still struggle sometimes, it doesn’t all go away. But the level of understanding she’s given me about my emotions and trauma allows me to get through it smoothly. She’s truly changed my life and I will forever be grateful. She made me so soft again. I want to lead with love and gratitude. I want to be involved in more conversations that feel uncomfortable to talk about surrounding mental health. It’s real and healing trauma is a painful process. As the first born grandchild of an immigrant family, there’s a lot to unpack there and I refuse to continue the cycle of generational trauma. If you’ve made it this far, thank you for SEEING me. Writing is my outlet.❤️

[akaraboonline]

 The Best Relationship Advise I've Ever Received?

Relationship counsel is difficult to give. It can be irritating and even disrespectful when it is unsolicited (hey, we all have that friend). Yet when you go seeking for it, it can be difficult to get what you're looking for, such as a firm answer on whether or not yours is healthy, and what's genuinely crucial.  The Best Relationship Advise I've Ever Received? Well, there's the tried-and-true advice like "don't go to bed angry" and "respect is essential," but we've all heard it before. That's why we asked qualified therapists for the finest advice they consistently give to their patients. 1. Treat each other with the same kindness as the day you first met. A friend once told me that the reason her marriage has endured for so long is because she and her husband make an effort to consciously be kind to one another on a regular basis. They lessen the possibility of developing a hate for one another by forgoing continuous criticism and choosing positive reinforcement instead. Also, even the slightest remarks or actions are a wonderful way to express your love for one another. I immediately seized her counsel as she placed it on the table, and let me tell you, it's a straightforward directive that has the power to transform. Set up dates so you can talk about your relationship. According to certified clinical psychologist Joseph Cilona, Ph.D., of Manhattan, "commit to investing an hour—on a regular basis—to concentrate on strengthening your relationship, troubleshooting, and making it more rewarding." Have a weekly or monthly dinner where you only discuss relationship-related concerns or objectives. 2. Argue About One Thing At A Time I've discovered that happy couples fight appropriately from study as much as personal experience. Just argue about one thing at a time, I've learned another helpful tip about fighting that has saved my life. Bring up all the things your SO has done wrong over the past year to persuade them to apologize when you're in the thick of a furious quarrel. The problem is that doing this only leads to a pointless cycle of going around and around until you're both blue in the face. This one is quite difficult to carry out, but in my experience, it's well worth it. Instead of yelling at each other for hours on end and forgetting what really irked us in the first place, it makes it much simpler for us to really settle a dispute. 3. Be honest about your feelings, both positive and negative. According to psychotherapist Beth Sonnenberg, L.C.S.W., regularly sharing can help you get closer. "If you begin to believe that your sentiments are unimportant, unheard, or unworthy of sharing, you invite negativity and bitterness into your life." She emphasizes that this also applies to pleasant emotions, particularly when they are associated with your relationship. In a relationship, "people need to feel respected," she continues. 3. Ask each other for favors (And Not Just The Dirty Kind) You'll pretty much do anything for someone you're dating at first. Even though it's out of your way, you immediately comply when they urge you to stop at Trader Joe's on the way home to pick up some special hot sauce. Nevertheless, as time goes on, you're far less likely to be charitable, and Tony Robbins, a motivational speaker and author, claims that's when things start to go south. Don't misunderstand me. You should love and look after yourself first and foremost, but in my relationship, I've discovered that the more selflessly I give my boyfriend my time and energy, the more he reciprocates, and the happier we are as a couple. I know it sounds really corny, but it's true. For instance, if he's been working all day and is really fatigued, I'll unpack his luggage for him, fold his laundry, and ask if he wants a glass of wine. A few days later, when I'm feeling awful, he brings my favorite bar of chocolate and a cup of chai tea, and he offers to rub my feet while I watch Netflix. Determine the problems in your relationship. then do something about them. Each pair have these. Perhaps you argue frequently over your demanding job schedule or your partner's spending patterns. Whatever it is, if you don't deal with the cause of the issue, you'll only keep fighting. Cilona advises that you and your partner deliberate on the resolutions to any recurrent disputes after identifying them. When you do this, it's beneficial to concentrate on "concrete and discrete behaviors" as opposed to labels and interpretations, he says. For instance, it's preferable to remark that when your spouse makes significant purchases without first discussing you, it makes you feel as though they are trying to keep information from you rather than accusing them of being careless. According to Cilona, focusing on the problem rather than the person responsible might lead to better problem solving and a team-based approach. 4. Schedule time apart whenever you can. Have you ever questioned Helen Mirren's secret to a fulfilling, long-lasting relationship? Evidently, "spending a lot of time apart." She and her husband, who have been married for almost 20 years, vouch for this fact. If I may say so myself, my SO and I are also incredibly excellent at this, and I'm confident it's the reason we still feel like we're in the honeymoon stage. Every few months, one of us will go a short distance—even if it's only an hour—to visit a buddy who lives in the neighboring town for the weekend. We find ourselves calling and missing each other like young people who are in love. Also, when we are reunited, things get hot and heavy. But more importantly, this small game helps us maintain our sense of independence, which is essential for maintaining our self-confidence. 5. Don’t expect your partner to be your BFF. These days, we place a lot of demands on our relationships. Our ideal mate should be our closest confidante, co-parent, and companion. The owner of Skylight Counseling Center in Chicago and the author of You Are Not Crazy: Letters from Your Therapist, David Klow, is a registered family therapist. He adds that because of this, we are more likely to feel dissatisfied when our partner is unable to meet our requirements. Some of those demands should obviously be met by your partner, but the need for a best friend is more challenging. Finding "healthy, alternate ways" to meet that need through others is what Klow advises if you feel your relationship isn't best friend material for you. This might enable your connection to provide you delight as opposed to letting you down, he explains. 6. Cool Down Before You Sit Down For A Serious Talk When something nearly unforgivable is said, it is almost always done out of intense, burning rage. Someone once advised me to leave when I'm angry and only return once I've cooled down in order to prevent saying the worst possible things to one another. It's a wonderful idea that works well in practice. We can proceed through the topic more quickly than we would if we arrived at the table brimming with rage if we can get all the strong emotions out of the way before we speak. 7. Before making a comment, repeat their words aloud. It's known as "mirroring." Here is how it works: Before you make a response during a critical conversation with your partner, repeat exactly what you heard them say. "So what you're saying is, you think we need more time just us without friends or kids around?" for example, is more effective. "You will be astounded at how diverse people hear even the most basic statements," Cilona says. "Not only does this greatly improve the accuracy and quality of communication by allowing for the correction of misinterpretations, but it also instills in each partner a strong sense of being heard and understood." 8. Never Put Each Other Down In Public Although there's nothing wrong with a little harmless mocking now and then, embarrassing each other in public is a completely different beast. You should be each other's biggest supporters, not adversaries. Even if you're not having the finest day, my mother taught me that the worst thing you can do in public is treat each other like crap. It not only makes everyone else uncomfortable, but it makes things even worse between the two of you. 9. Remember, don't just say how you feel...show it. Obviously, saying "I love you" frequently is a wonderful idea, but "the act of showing important, since we don't speak those three simple words as often as we should," says psychotherapist and author of The Happy Couple, Barton Goldsmith, Ph.D.He suggests expressing oneself through small gestures such as pouring coffee for them in the morning, warming up their car, or stocking the freezer with their favorite flavor of Halo Top. "It doesn't take much to perform a random act of kindness," he says, "but it may make a big difference." 10. Don't Take Things So Seriously There is no vitality in a relationship if there is no laughter. I doubt there are many happy, long-term couples that don't frequently joke about with each other and keep things light. Laughter is the essential to any healthy romantic connection, according to several people, and science agrees. According to studies, couples who laugh together more regularly are happier and more likely to stay together for a long time. If there's one thing my partner and I know how to do, it's relax and laugh (well, that and eat). Things don't appear to be slowing down anytime soon, so I'm guessing the giggles are helping. 11. Don't be hesitant to bring up the subject of money. It's so simple to argue over money, yet talking about money the right way might actually help strengthen your relationship, according to Cilona. "A couple that discusses their financial goals and is willing to collaborate to attain them will likely have a stronger bond," he adds. Thus, if you know you appreciate conducting research before making a significant purchase but your partner is more impulsive, have that chat before your car lease expires. Alternatively, if you'd rather invest in travel than save for a vacation house, be upfront about your choices so you can find common ground. 12. Every day, choose to love your partner.  "My favorite piece of advise is that every day we wake up and choose to be affectionate toward our partner," says psychotherapist Jennifer L. Silvershein, L.C.S.W. She explains that the concept is simple: love is an active everyday choice, and you have influence over how you feel. "If the first thing we notice when we get up is a flaw in our partner, it will be difficult to feel connected and in love for the rest of the day," she explains. "That sets the tone if we wake up and identify something we love or appreciate." 14. Fight in a productive manner. Every marriage has disagreements, but fighting in a way that advances the dialogue and clearly communicates why you're upset can make a difference. According to Silvershein, you should be precise about how your partner's actions affect you. "When you fail to text when you'll be late, it makes me feel like you don't care," for example. "I find that couples become more flexible and aligned in their daily functioning when we begin altering our language to convey how our partner's behavior makes us feel rather than just telling them what to do," she says.   Read the full article

[regsenny]

Rage

This time last year, I was in therapy. My internal conflicts with mental health had caught up to me, so I realized I needed time to unpack and heal from the past few years of my life. Contrary to what you may think after reading the title of this post, but therapy has actually helped me to live a relatively peaceful life with significantly less stress. And for the last couple months, I’ve been doing the best I’ve done in years, until one little thing happens that snowballs into the stupidest, biggest snowball in the world.

No need to detail these circumstances beat for beat, but I will highlight how unique this situation is to me. For the first time in my life, I am caught in a drama so intense, so conspicuous, so... non-existent? I had to be told by an outsider that this beef even existed? It was so peculiar. More peculiar? How big and elaborate the beef-creator made this situation. If Jesus turned water into wine, this person turned a single rock into the Empire State Building, which is... honestly kind of a feat. I just wish said Empire State Building wasn’t built directly on top of me while I was sleeping and is now crushing me.

Anyway, that the first interesting point. The second is much more compelling. If anyone, anyone at all in this situation should have beef, it’s me! I know, I know! Hear me out. The inciting incident was something that was done to me, something that hurt me, so why the hell aren’t I mad? Maybe (definitely) because it happened months ago and I’ve since accepted that it’s a.) stupid but b.) in the past? So, imagine my surprise when ~something~ has became a thing in the month none of us were interacting during our winter break?

Vibes? Destroyed.

Cold shoulder? Given.

Me? Super confused.

There was one specific day in therapy where my therapist asked “How have you been this week?”. I replied, “Good. But today, I feel rageful.” A year later, I’m presented with isolation, shade, gossip, secretive texts, and a big, dinner-plate sized, suffocating, tear-jerking amount of rage. So much rage that didn’t, shouldn’t need to be there, which only makes it worse.

I’ll end it with some DIY closure: To the beef-creator, know this: I don’t hate you. I never hated you. I hate what you did. I hate it so, so much and moreover, I hate how hard you work to ensure it hurts.

[jakesguitarstring]

where this all leads || dr. j.m.k 

{part two}

summary: working for dr. j.m.k and having a crush on him has never been easy, but it gets even harder on a trip to a conference. 

words: 4.7k (this one got away from me a little bit lmao) 

warnings: pure smut (18+ minors dni!), masturbation, unprotected sex (always wear a condom folks!) 

masterlist 

taglist: ahhh i love all of you so much  @ageofflowerpower @theweightofstardust @mywaysooon @bumblebeeswrite @franciskiszka @dazzlinghazeaboutyouu (please message me to be added)

“Thank you for calling the office of Dr. J.M.K. How may I direct your call?” You answered the phone with a practiced calming tone. It was second nature by now, having worked for the good doctor for several years. Almost four years ago, you'd answered a newspaper ad for a receptionist position for a therapist. You could remember the day like it was yesterday, walking into a cramped office full of unpacked boxes and yelling if anyone was there. A curly-haired man came stumbling out of a back room, disheveled, and he’d told you that the office wasn’t open yet. You’d told him that you were there for an interview for the receptionist position. He smiled and offered you the job and asked if you could start at that moment. You shrugged your shoulders and set your bag and resume that he never looked at down and got started helping him unpack and decorate the office. The two of you had worked side by side together since that day, as the business grew and he gained traction and numerous clients. Two years ago he had promoted you to his second in command and gave you the title of Deputy Executive Director, you assisted him in picking a new larger office space and designed it. You also helped him expand the business, hiring two other therapists and another part-time receptionist, so you could focus on other duties for part of your workday. 

You hung up the phone after helping the potential new client as Dr. J.M.K came out of his office with his final client for the night. He took her hands into his and gave her his classic goodbye. “Thank you so much for your time. May you continue our work together. And I will see you next week.” Once she left and he locked the door, he turned his attention to you. 

“Are we all set for the conference?” He asked as he walked over to your desk. He grabbed one of the mints out of the bowl on top of the desk and unwrapped it and popped it into his mouth. 

You pulled the bowl off the desk. “Those are for the patients.” You smiled and he returned the smile. “But yes, I’m all set to go. I sent you the itinerary and the car is all packed up. Ready whenever you are.” His smile brightened, highlighting the tiny little gap between his front teeth and causing your heart to flutter. You looked away to ignore the way his smile warmed your entire body. 

“Let me go grab my bag. I’ll meet you in the car.” 

Two hours later the two of you were halfway to the city where the conference was. The doctor was going to be a keynote speaker, speaking about one of his more controversial ideas on spiritual sexuality. “Are you nervous?” You asked, watching a raindrop make a trail down the windshield. He laughed. 

“No. I don’t get nervous.” 

“That’s a lie and you know it, Josh.” 

“I never lie.” You laughed and threw your head back on the headrest. “I didn’t know I was such a comedian.” 

“No, you’re just stupid.” The smile he gave you made you blush and you were grateful that it was dark enough that he couldn’t see your reddening cheeks. He opened his mouth to say something, but a sound coming from the engine stopped him. “What was that?” The sputtering continued and then the car slowly came to a stop as he pulled it off to the side of the road. 

“Well, that’s not good.” He muttered. 

“Yeah, no shit.” You both climbed out of the car and he popped the hood. It looked completely normal to you, so you turned to him and he shrugged. 

“I have absolutely no idea.” 

“Oh, that’s great.” 

“I saw a motel just down the road. Why don’t we head there to get out of the rain and I’ll call a mechanic or something.” You shrugged. He grabbed his bag and yours. When you reached for yours he shook his head. “I can carry it.” 

The clerk at the desk of the motel was scrolling through their phone and didn’t even look up when you entered. Josh cleared his throat and they looked up with an eye roll. “Welcome to The Highway Motel. How can I help you?” 

“Hi. Our car broke down just down the road and we need two rooms please.” Josh explained. 

“We only have one room left.” 

“Alright! I guess we’ll take it!” He exclaimed before you could reply. You pulled on his arm and he looked over at you. 

“Josh.” You whispered, anxiety coursing through your body. 

“It’s okay.” He gave you a calming smile then stepped up to the counter to finish checking in with the clerk. They handed him the key and he guided you out to the motel room. “The clerk also gave me a number for a mechanic. They don’t open until the morning though. So we’re stuck here until then. I’ll call the conference and tell them what happened. I don’t speak until the evening, so it shouldn’t be a big deal. It’s all good.” He could sense your nervous energy. 

“If you say so.” You sighed. He unlocked the door and pushed it open. You walked in. “Oh,” you said. 

“What?” Josh asked as he stepped in behind you. “Oh.” He repeated. There was only one bed. “I’ll take the couch.” 

“I’m taking a shower.” You felt completely overwhelmed. And just wanted to be alone to calm down. After a long shower, your hair dripped onto your bare shoulder as you threw on a t-shirt and some old sweatpants. You took a deep breath before opening the door into your shared room with your boss. He was reclining on the couch, although calling it a couch was being nice, it was more of a loveseat and, despite his shorter stature, his feet were dangling off the edge. While you were in the shower he had changed into a pair of gray sweatpants but remained in his favorite white long sleeve shirt. He looked up as you stepped out of the bathroom. 

“Enjoy your shower?” He gave you a soft closed-lip smile. You nodded and quickly rushed to the bed, feeling somewhat exposed in your pajamas. You pulled the comforter and sheet up and slid into the surprisingly comfortable and soft bed. “I called the organizer of the conference and they’re fine. As long as we’re there by about noon.” You nodded again and bent your legs to bring your knees up and rested your chin on them. He set his book down and sat up to look at you. “Are you okay?” 

“Yeah, I’m fine. I was just stressed out.” 

“Did you try those breathing exercises I told you about?” He asked. 

“Uhh, I…” 

He chuckled and slid his glasses up to rest on top of his curly hair. “Do you believe in my work?” Your jaw dropped, but you were silent, having no idea how to respond to that question. He sighed and ran his hands over his face and to the back of his neck to rub it. “Sorry. I didn’t mean it to be accusatory. Of course, you believe in it. You’ve stuck around this long. It’s just…” he stopped and shook his head. 

“You can tell me.” You whispered, not confident that you could speak any louder. 

“I just don’t know if I’m doing the right thing anymore. The business is growing exponentially.” He waved his hands to accent his point. “But I feel like I’m missing something. Years ago when I started this, all I wanted was to help people. I want people to feel good about themselves. And to learn to make other people feel good. Now it’s so businessy. Like I go to these conferences or I publish books or articles in academic journals. All this that I’m supposed to do. But it isn’t what I want to do.” 

You were quiet as you let his words settle between you. “What do you want?” You finally asked. 

He took a deep breath and then let it out. “I don’t want to be this expert in my field or whatever they call it. It’s annoying anyway.” His hands made a motion as if he was physically pushing the moniker away from him. “I just want to connect with people. I want everyone who crosses my path to learn something. I see so many people in my life that I could help, but I don’t even have the time because of all the idiotic parts of owning a business.” 

“Who would you help?” 

“Is it too much to say everyone in the world?” He grimaced. You laughed. 

“Maybe start smaller.” You suggested. 

“I could help you.” 

“What?” 

“Can I ask you a question?” 

“I guess.” 

He smirked. “When was the last time you connected with your inner feminine divine?” 

You coughed, taken aback by the question “I’m sorry. I don’t think I know what you mean.” 

“How long have we worked together?” 

“About four years.” 

“And have you ever used spirituality to improve your sexual experiences?” 

You blinked. He watched you. He was being serious. You shook your head. “And yet you said you believed in my work?” He clasped his hands in front of him and set his elbows on his knees and then rested his chin on his clasped fists. He studied you while you tried to come up with an answer. When nothing came to mind, he spoke instead. “Does my work make you uncomfortable?” 

“No! No! Of course not!” You yelped. “I suppose, I just don’t really understand it. I worry about the business side of it all. I figure you take care of the spiritual and I’ll make sure the bills are paid. The sex stuff isn’t important to me.” You shrugged. 

“Sex isn’t important to you?” He inquired with a lift of his brows as if it was the most ridiculous statement he’d ever heard in his life. 

“That’s not what I said, Josh! Your sex stuff isn’t my top priority. I get on just fine on my own, thank you very much.” 

“So you’ve found a person who worships you then?” 

“What?” 

“You need, no deserve, someone who will worship the goddess within you. Someone who’s only desire is to make you feel desired. And to make absolutely certain that you…” 

“Cum.” 

His chuckle was low and deep and thrummed through your body. “Yes. If you want it bluntly.” He rubbed his chin in thought. "Have you ever experienced a spiritual orgasm?” 

You gasped. “Josh!” He could absolutely see the blush rising from your chest. Your cheeks felt as though they were on fire. You knew this was wildly inappropriate and you were slightly embarrassed, but you were also desperate for this conversation to continue. Although you could not put your finger on the reason why you couldn’t help yourself. It wasn’t hard to deny the attraction you had to the doctor, he was enigmatic and well-spoken, anyone would fall head over heels in a matter of moments. But you also knew the other multifaceted sides of him. You knew him beyond just Dr. J.M.K, you knew him as just Josh. You’d seen him when he was stressed and his hair was wildly pointed in different directions from him messing with it while he paced in his office. You knew the sleepy Josh who could barely keep his eyes open, but was still insisting on working and you would have to force to go home. In all honesty, he was one of your closest friends, although you’d never admit it. He was still your boss after all. 

“It’s only a question, I don’t mean to offend or make you uncomfortable. That is never my intention.” He held his hands up defensively and you smiled at him. 

“No. I don’t think I’ve ever experienced such a thing.” 

“Oh, trust me you would remember if you had.” The smirk he gave you went straight to your core and you had to stop yourself from clenching your thighs together. 

“You know I’ve had sex before. I’m no shrinking violet.” 

“I never said that. I can tell that you’re a sexual being… we all are after all. But you’ve never experienced it as something deeper than just yourself. As something spiritual and sacred. Sex and masturbation are sacred. It’s connecting yourself with the divine entity that exists within you, the creator of the universe around you. It’s two cosmic beings becoming one, connecting on every level possible, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.” 

“Only two beings?” You couldn’t help yourself. 

His laugh faded into a smile with a warm glint in his eyes. “Let’s start slow.” 

“Okay. So what’s it like?” 

“What’s what like?” 

“This magical experience. Otherworldly sex.” You stretched out your legs and then crossed them so you could lean forward to listen intently. 

“It’s indescribable.” 

“That’s a cop-out.” You commented with an eye roll. 

“But it’s the truth. You have to experience it. You can’t be told about it. You must live it.” 

You exhaled and laid back on the bed, stretching your arms above you. “A shame I’ll never experience it then.” 

“And who's to say that?” 

“I can’t afford your classes, Doctor.” You joked. 

“Would you like to learn?” He whispered. “Would you like to learn your body more intimately than you have before? Do you want to know what it’s like to experience the deepest love from within you? Can I teach you? Let me teach you.” 

You stared at the ceiling, there was a crack leading from the window and some water damage in the corner. All you could hear in the small room was both of your breathing, in sync and profound. “Teach me.” You eventually answered. 

He remained seated and you continued to stare at the ceiling, it felt as though if you looked at him it would all become too real and the implications would overtake your yearning and you would have to stop. You didn’t want to stop, but if you thought too hard, you knew you would have to. So you focused on the water spot in the ceiling and waited with bated breath. 

“Tell me how you normally masturbate.” He instructed. 

“Josh…” you muttered. 

“Would it help if I asked questions instead?” You nodded. “Okay. Do you lie in bed?” You nodded again. “Good. I want you to lie as you normally would. However you feel most comfortable.” You moved and got comfortable. Once you were settled he spoke again. “Take deep breaths with me. I want you to breathe completely in, feel the breath throughout your whole body. Tense your muscles on the inhale and totally relax them on the exhale. Fill up your lungs. Good.” You breathed together for a few moments, you felt any tension in your body dissipate with each breath. “You’re doing so good.” You bit your lip to stop the whimper that threatened to escape. 

“If you’re comfortable, could you undress for me? You can stay under the blankets if you’d like.” You pushed the blankets off of your body and lifted your hips to take off your pants. You sat up to pull off your shirt and then laid back down, as gracefully as you could, but you felt like you failed miserably as your breasts jiggled. A flash of embarrassment raced through your body. 

“Beautiful.” He muttered to himself. You were sure you weren’t supposed to hear it, but it still calmed any embarrassment immediately. He cleared his throat. “When you are ready I want you to think of an intention for this session. What do you want to gain from this experience? What could you bring into your breadth of understanding that could serve you better? As you think, continue to breathe. In and out. In and out.” You focused on your breathing and thought about the possibilities of your intentions. “Once you’ve found something I want you to concentrate on that intention. No need to tell me your intention, just as long as you are satisfied with it. Keep maintaining your breathing.” You focused on your intention and breathing, feeling as if your body was practically floating above the bed. 

“You are doing an exceptional job. I’m so proud of you. Once you have your intention completely set in your mind, I want you to begin to touch yourself. Where do you love to be stroked on your body? What parts of you long to be licked, nipped, or kissed. These places are called your secondary erogenous zones. They are very important to the sexual experience, both alone and…” he coughed, “and with a partner.” You started with your neck and moved down slowly and purposefully to your clavicle, using your hands and fingers to rub and massage with differing pressure, focusing on any spots that felt especially good. You felt your breath change and become faster as small whimpers and moans fell from your lips. “Maintain your breathing, my dear. In and out. In and out.” You concentrated on his voice as you continued to explore your own body. When you finally made it to your breasts you stroked them slowly as you moaned. “Yes, good. Make noise. So perfect. The sounds you make activate your chakras.” You wanted to roll your eyes if you weren’t so focused on your own pleasure because of course, he would bring up chakras while he was guiding you through masturbation. You didn’t know how to activate your chakras or even if you wanted to, but you continued to make noise as it came naturally. Especially when you started to give attention to your nipples. Slowly, you worked your way down your body, you massaged your hips and your thighs and then to your center. 

Your back arched as you began to touch yourself. “That’s it. Touch yourself. Take it slow. An orgasm is not your end goal. The goal is the intention you set for yourself. Focus on your intention. Focus on your body and your breathing. Feel every part of your body thrumming with ecstasy. Feel how it starts at your center and moves throughout your whole body. Do you feel it?” 

“Yes!” You gasped breathlessly. You tried to focus on your breathing, but it was getting harder as the pleasure built up in you. 

“In and out, baby. In and out.” You followed along to the mantra he began of ‘in and out.’ And then you started to use the words literally and began to pump your fingers in and out of you to his description. You used your other hand to rub circles around your clit. “When you’re ready, let go. Let the pleasure you’ve created for yourself wash over you. Connect with your inner divine. You’ve made yourself feel so good.” 

“So good.” You muttered. You felt the pressure building up within you, it had been increasing slowly since you started, but now it felt like it was rushing forward, like a pot about to boil over. You breathed in and out and let yourself make noise as your hips bucked in rhythm with your fingers. And then you felt yourself fall over the edge into the most beautiful feeling you’ve ever experienced in your life. The waves of pleasure rippled through your whole body and they wouldn’t stop. You kept breathing through it and you could hear Josh praising you in the background. As the pleasure slowly subsided and you returned to Earth, you resumed your deep breathing. 

“Very good. You barely needed me. You were so incredible.” Josh beamed. You could feel the admiration in his voice. You opened your eyes and turned to look at him. His face was flushed and at some point, he’d returned his glasses to their rightful spot resting on the bridge of his nose. His hands were gripping tightly on the arms of the loveseat. And your eyes scanned lower to see why, his arousal obvious in his sweatpants. Even though you had just experienced the best orgasm of your life, you felt a familiar pulse flutter at the sight of him. 

“Josh.” You breathed. He took his time tearing his eyes away from your body to look you in the eyes. You took your bottom lip between your teeth when his eyes met yours. His eyes blinked slowly and he swallowed deeply. When he stood up, your heart sped up. This was all you wanted. You needed his hands on you, his mouth nipping and kissing, all of him connecting with all of you. 

He ran a hand through his hair and tugged it slightly before dropping his hand at his side with a thud. “I - I should, uh, take a shower.” He started toward the bathroom and you urgently sat up on your knees in the bed. You grabbed him before he got very far. 

“Don’t. I can take care of you too.” You murmured. His eyes fell toward your lips. But then he shook his head. 

“You don’t need to do that. I didn’t guide you to get anything out of it. That’d be highly unethical.” 

“Do you always get hard when guiding your clients?” 

He laughed nervously. “No, no I, no I never do. It would be inappropriate.” 

“So I’m just that special.” You rubbed his arms that were in your grasp. 

“Of course you’re special.” His features softened. “But we can’t do this. It is against all my training. I don’t touch my patients. Never.” 

“Good thing I’m not a patient, Doctor.” You smirked. He tried to take a step back, but you stopped him. “Josh. I am a consenting adult. I am not one of your patients. I did not contract your services. Nothing monetary has been exchanged between us. We are just two people who want each other.” 

“You want me?” You wanted to laugh, for a sex doctor, he was pretty clueless. 

“Emphatically.” You allowed yourself a small breathy laugh. “For a long time. Do you want me?” 

“Ardently.” He replied and pulled you against him, your breasts grazed the fabric of his white shirt and you let out a breath. “Can I kiss you?” 

“Please.” His lips were soft against yours, just like you imagined they would be. He deepened his kiss as his hands roamed your body, his fingers, and palms mimicking the same paths yours had earlier. 

“So soft.” He murmured against your lips and you used the opportunity to slip your tongue into his mouth. The moan he emitted rang through you, all the way down to your toes and you tangled your hands into his hair to pull him closer. His glasses bumped against your face and he pulled away and threw them behind him onto the loveseat as you giggled. He was breathless as he looked at you, his eyes roamed every part of you he could see, as if he was seeing his favorite piece of art in person for the very first time. His attention made you feel like the most beautiful and prized thing in the entire universe. Your breath caught in your throat as his tongue circled one of your nipples and he pulled it into his mouth. His hands caressed your hips and then moved to massage your ass. 

“You’re so perfect.” He sighed and kissed a trail across your chest to your other breast. Your own hands began to explore his body, running down and back up his back and then his sides. You slipped your hand underneath his shirt and pushed him away slightly so you could pull it off. Before he could resume kissing you, you leaned forward and started to kiss and nip at the edge of his jaw just below his ear. You were rewarded with a breathy whimper and you smiled against his skin. As your lips explored his neck and chest, your hands wandered further down, palming him over his sweatpants. His hips jerked into your hand. You kissed down his body and shimmied yourself back further on the bed until you could lie on your front in front of him. You pulled down his pants and grabbed him in your hand. His tip was red and glistened with precum. You kissed it and he moaned. “You don’t have to,” he started, but you smiled up at him. 

“I want to.” And you took him into your mouth slowly. Even this felt like an exploration, as your tongue and lips swirled and sucked. He leaned over you and massaged down your spine which caused you to moan on his dick and you felt him falter. A few seconds later he pulled away from you. 

“I won’t last.” He said. 

You smiled a toothy grin. “Aren’t all you sex yogis supposed to be experts at lasting a long time?” You joked. 

“I’m not a yogi. I don’t think you know what that means.” He laughed and you shrugged slightly. “And yeah, I normally can. But, you’re driving me wild.” You sat back up on your knees and pulled him closer to you. You kissed him slowly and maneuvered so he could guide you onto your back and he could lay on top of you. “You don’t know what you do to me.” 

“Show me.” You instructed. He reached in between your bodies and began a lazy pattern on your clit, as you two stared into each other’s eyes and your breathing synchronized. You gasped when he slipped a finger inside you and almost instantly found the perfect spot. He massaged it until you were gasping and practically begging. Then he added another finger and continued his movements until you were writhing beneath him and gripping tightly onto his biceps as your pleasure came crashing through you. He guided you through it with both his hands and with encouraging words. He leaned down to kiss you as he removed his hands. “Please, I need you.” 

“Baby, I need you too.” He carefully slid himself into you, filling you up perfectly. You felt yourself stretch to accommodate him and you wrapped your legs around him and moved your hips to meet his movements. At first, he was unhurried and relaxed in his movements, but you could see that he was trying to restrain himself. So you lifted your head to kiss him and pulled him closer to you so you could ground your hips faster. He sped up to meet your pace. Your mouth went to his bare shoulder to muffle your noises as his hand slipped between your bodies to yet again find your sensitive bud. “That’s it. So beautiful.” He rambled. It seemed even during sex, he couldn’t stop talking. But you didn’t mind, because his voice felt like his kisses. They fell across your body and made you feel wholly perfect. You weren’t really sure about the whole inner divine goddess thing and didn’t know how to connect with it or her or them. But the way Josh talked to you made you feel like you could figure out how to create stars and hang them in the sky or command the ocean to ebb and flow or teach a bird to fly. No one had ever made you feel so in control and at their will all at the same time. You barely recognized as your pleasure hit its peak yet again, but you held on tight to Josh as your body shook with satisfaction. He found your lips and kissed them hard as he found his own release. He peppered lazy soft kisses along your neck and jaw as you both came down from your orgasms. 

“So that’s what it feels like.” You drawled as your muscles and body felt like jello. 

He laughed into the crook of your neck. “It can be even better.” He murmured. 

“Hmm, you’ll have to show me. I want to learn everything you can teach me.” You twirled one of his curls around your finger. 

“It could take a lifetime. The study of sexual tantra is never complete.” His eyes focused on yours. Your hand fell from his hair to the back of his neck. He leaned down toward you. 

“Sounds perfect.” You said right before you connected your lips with his. 

[randomstrom]

Hello to the, like, ten (10) people who make up the Lab Rats/Mighty Med/Lab Rats: Elite Force fandoms!

I finally have access to Disney+ which means I can finally watch these shows again! (Last time I had seen them I was fourteen (14) which was a long time ago considering I am in my twenties (20’s)…)

Anyways, I plan to “binge watch” the shows between holiday and winter break (I am in college so I get a long winter break!) And I was thinking, if you all would be interested, there is a couple of things I was thinking of writing for the fandom (mainly Lab Rats because that’s the one I watched the most but some for Mighty Med too) which I’ll describe below. But if any of you are interested in one or all of them let me know (or my therapist will have to listen to me ramble about them lol).

1.) okay so first idea is a bit basic but it’s me, almost, annotating the show as I watch it. Seems a bit boring but I think it might be kinda interesting to document my thoughts watching the show as an adult and compare it with my thought about the show as a preteen/young teenager.

Growing up I was into watching a lot of medical shows and by the time I was in middle school, so the same time all these shows were coming out, I got really big into comic books and super heroes. So it’s a no brainer that I was hyped for Mighty Med but sadly I was never home in time to watch the episodes because of school and extracurricular activities. 🥲 So I do know some of the stuff that happened in the show and know a decent amount about the main and few side characters but in regards to annotating, it will be a lot of me watching it Mighty Med for the first time.

I think it’s kinda obvious that I am a fan of Chase character so there will be a lot of comments about him. However I will also cover the topics about siblings dynamics and how the Davenport siblings have unhealthy, borderline toxic, relationships. I also know that I am going to hit very hard on the fact that Leo and Tasha’s characters were so undermined and they deserve so much better since they play such a critical role in the plot! For two main characters they felt like side or even background characters and it’s just not right by any means!

In this annotation I will also most likely talk a lot about ethics and how inaccurate/unacceptable and, at times, inhuman some of the topics, actions, and behaviors that the actors had to portrayed. Now I am a psychology major and a graduate student in social work so ethics and the proper treatment of humans is something that I am highly educated and an advocate about so I am going to be digging these characters (specifically the adults) for a lot of things and I want to make it know that I love all these characters but these is a lot of fucked up stuff that happens in this show that would never be okay (let alone accurate) in today’s society.

2.) okay now stay with me here, the second idea is a psychological analysis of a few characters - specificity Donald, Douglas, Adam, Bree, and Chase for Lab Rats and then Kaz, Oliver, and Skylar’s behavioral changes as they experience more trauma in Mighty Med and Elite Force (I am especially going to hit on Oliver’s character changes between shows because there is a lot to unpack there). Now before you start judging me, I am a senior (year four (4)) psychological science major at university so I do know a lot about different psychological disorders, trauma responses, along with healthy and unhealthy coping skills. And I had this idea a few years ago because in one of my courses when we were talking about personality disorder it reminded me a lot of the Davenport brother. I had also mentioned it because my professor liked it when we would reference different medias that showcased psych disorders (whether in a good or bad light, accurate or not), but more on that later.

3.) idea number three is a bit along the lines of idea two. A lot of people in the fandom might not know about this but Adam, Bree, and Chase’s characters are written completely inaccurate to the point that it drives me insane. I know that this is show is supposed to be a sitcom and that we shouldn’t take the characters that seriously but the thing is… the main plot about how the kids were raised in a basement, away from most all human interaction is by all means creepy. When most people think of kids being locked in a basement… well let’s just say that they normally don’t think they are being used for human experiments. That being said there is scientific evidence and studies that, when thinking in hypothetical terms, can show proof that these kids shouldn’t be functioning the way they are if they truly never left the basement and their only knowledge of the outside world was though Donald and a few movies.

There is also a scientific study that could help prove that Douglas is, or at least at one point was, a good parental figure for the kids when they were infants. And, if you are interested, there are ways to prove that Adam, Bree, Chase, AND Leo would have a completely different relationship and perspective of Donald based on what people, who were raised by narcissistic parent(s), have said about their experiences and traumas that line up with what we know about the characters.

4.) If any of you are interested I have some just personal thoughts, headcannons, one-shots, etc about the characters and shows

5.) last idea (for now at least) would be me essentially rewriting Lab Rats and when it crosses over with Mighty Med into the Elite Force (I am going to mostly leave Mighty Med’s plot alone because it is a great one but I will change the ending a bit because it’s wrong to blow it up 😭). In this rewrite it will focus a lot on addressing time line issues, the different relationships/family dynamics, LGBTQIA+ topics (*looking a Douglas, Bree, and Chase character*), trauma, CHARACTER DEVELOPMENTS, holding characters responsible for their actions, a bit more on Krane’s past, giving Marcus a redemption arc and getting to see him grow as a character, addressing struggles adjusting to new life changes (Kaz and Oliver adjusting to being doctors/having responsibilities, more on skylar getting use to normos life styles and herself discovery, the Lab Rats learning and adjusting to life in a more accurate way), etc.

Anyways let me know if anyone is interested in any of these, if not then 🤷 idk I just want to talk to someone about how fuck up these shows were and the impact they had on me lmao 😅😬

[extasiswings]

“i’ll keep you warm” eddie has a nightmare post-shooting 👀 (or however you wanna write it!)

This was not supposed to be this long...rated M-ish for some mild smut at the end. On ao3 here.

The thing Eddie remembers most about the shooting isn’t the shot itself, or the pain, or even the fear—it’s the cold. The icy numbness of shock curling down his spine, twisting through his veins like tendrils of frost creeping across a windowpane in winter. Cold, as his pulse skyrocketed, his body’s signals all crossed and confused and trying to circulate blood, not seeming to grasp the fact that his blood was seeping out onto the asphalt beneath him, that trying to circulate it faster was just making it worse. Cold, like he was a stupid kid at camp diving into a frigid lake before dawn, except above him was blue sky and a bright sun beating down and the fact that it was Los Angeles in May didn’t do a damn thing to help.

He couldn’t feel it. He could only feel the cold.

Buck, though—Buck, he felt. Buck’s hands burned, on his chest, his neck, his face, so warm that Eddie almost wanted to flinch away, but he didn’t. He was aware enough to realize that if Buck was warm, he was probably telling the truth when he said he wasn’t hurt. And that was good. That was all he needed to know.

The cold—

Eddie’s been through enough in his life to know that his subconscious works in weird ways. After Afghanistan he dreamed more directly of burning helicopters and gunfire, blood in his mouth and smoke on his tongue. Shadows and screams and guilt. After the well his dreams were of Christopher, Shannon, waves crashing on a beach. And Buck. Sunlight.

This time...this time Eddie dreams of drowning. Trapped beneath ice, his hands slamming against it, eventually forced to inhale—water flooding his mouth, his throat, his lungs—cold, cold, cold—

Sometimes after he wakes he’ll spend hours shivering. Phantom chills that won’t go away even when he wraps himself in blankets.

The therapist he’s mandated to see before he can be cleared for work tells him that the brain doesn’t always process trauma by taking the most direct path. Eddie doesn’t know why his has fixated on this. The cold. Maybe it’s just easiest. Because the shooting—

His chest gets tight when he’s walking in open air. Sweat breaks out across his brow when the sunlight glints off of windows. His pulse races.

He can’t breathe.

It feels a little like drowning.

“Do you feel safe?” Dr. Kingston asks one session. And Eddie thinks about freezing in a grocery store parking lot, gripping the edge of a cart to keep his hands from shaking, thinks about Buck curving a hand around his shoulder, solid and warm—

“Sometimes,” Eddie admits. “It depends.”

“Depends on what?”

He tastes the lie on his tongue before it slips out.

“I don’t know.”

*

When the world shut down and Eddie had to leave Christopher with his abuela so that he could keep working without worrying constantly that he was putting his son at risk, Buck’s was the obvious place to go. And Eddie doesn’t know if things would have been different if it had been just the two of them but Hen and Chim deciding it was also the obvious place for them to go meant there weren’t a lot of options for sleeping arrangements.

So Eddie shared the bed with Buck. And it didn’t matter if either of them wound up wrapped around the other, the lines of their bodies pressed close enough to bleed together. If they curled into one another like plants twisting to find the light.

It was...instinct. To seek comfort. Warmth. Touch. Both of them alone for so long, and just needing—

Needing.

They never talked about it—there wasn’t anything to talk about. If it made Eddie’s heart race, if it made him ache for something he hadn’t expected and didn’t wholly understand, if when he returned home alone again his own bed felt too empty, that was his own problem.

Now, though—

Now, he knows. Because he stood frozen on the street and stared at Buck with Carla’s words in his head—make sure you’re following your heart—and realized oh. It hadn’t just been convenience, it had been love. Need and desire and love.

Now, he knows, but doesn’t know what to do with that knowledge, with the awareness he has suddenly. Buck is living in his house, in his space, helping him with Christopher and with his own recovery, making sure he takes his meds and gets to his appointments and does his exercises. Buck is there all the time and it’s a blessing and a curse because Eddie burns whenever Buck touches him.

And Buck touches him. A lot.

He hadn’t at first, right after Eddie came home from the hospital—Eddie would catch him sometimes looking like he wanted to, but holding back, reaching out but stopping himself, and Eddie never asked why. Even now he doesn’t think he ever needed to—he knows what it’s like to be afraid, to be unsteady, adrift, worrying that touching something you expect to be solid will reveal it’s just an illusion. Not wanting to find out if it is.

But Buck touches him now. And sometimes Eddie will wake up to find that Buck’s migrated from the couch in the living room to a chair by his bed, folded in and fitfully asleep. Buck never says, but Eddie’s pretty sure it’s so Buck can reassure himself that Eddie’s still breathing.

Eddie understands that need too. Sometimes he isn’t sure himself.

The first time it happens after Buck’s relationship with Taylor has flamed out—for himself, he and Ana have been over since just after he left the hospital—Eddie finally just gets up.

“Buck.” He curves a hand around the side of Buck’s neck and passes his thumb along the edge of his jaw.

Buck startles awake, looking somehow guilty.

“I didn’t wake you up, did I? Sorry, I know it’s—I can go back to the—”

“Will you just come to bed?” Eddie interrupts before Buck successfully talks himself into leaving the room. “Please?”

Buck’s eyes flick down to his shoulder. He swallows hard.

“I don’t want to—”

Oh.

“You won’t hurt me,” Eddie promises. “Okay?”

Buck searches his face in the dark, but if he sees anything, he clearly doesn’t mind because he nods and gets up from the chair. When they both resettle on the mattress, Buck only pauses for a moment before curving around him like a parenthesis, his arm falling across Eddie’s waist.

Eddie’s breath catches.

“Is this—?”

Eddie closes his eyes and sinks into the embrace. If it feels just a little bit like cheating because he hasn't told Buck how he feels, that’s between him and god.

“It’s fine,” he assures, then adds to make it a little more fair, “you aren’t the only one who needs—you aren’t the only one.”

Buck relaxes at that, his grip tightening a little with newfound certainty.

When Eddie dreams, he doesn’t drown.

*

“You look good,” Dr. Kingston acknowledges two weeks later. “You’ve been sleeping better?”

“Yeah,” Eddie replies. “I stopped having nightmares, so I haven’t been waking up as much.”

He catches the surprise that flickers across her face.

“They stopped completely?” She asks. “Have you been doing something different or—?”

Eddie shifts in his chair and clears his throat. What is he supposed to tell her? That he stopped having nightmares when he started sleeping with Buck every night? He’s not really ready to unpack that with his therapist—he’s barely ready to unpack it in his own head.

“Just lucky, I guess,” he says. Dr. Kingston puts down her pen and levels him with a long look that tells him she knows that’s bullshit and is trying to decide whether to push or let it go until another time.

She lets it go.

“Well,” she replies. “I’m glad to hear it.”

Eddie feels like he’s dodged another bullet.

Later, though, he wonders if he shouldn’t have said more. If he shouldn’t have asked questions. Because he goes to sleep and—

The water is pitch black and freezing. Eddie’s eyes sting, but it doesn’t matter whether he keeps them open or not—there’s nothing to see. He kicks his legs anyway, swims up, up, up, even though it hurts to make his limbs work when they’re so cold. There’s a faint light—the surface—and he kicks harder, desperate to reach—

Ice. Nothing but a sheet of ice, solid and thick. His lungs burn from lack of air, his palms beat against the ice—

He can’t keep moving. It’s too cold. He can’t—

“Eddie. Eddie.” Hands seize him from nowhere, almost too warm, and Eddie could have sworn the ice had no cracks, but he’s being lifted out—

“Eddie.”

He snaps awake, gasping. Buck’s face swims into view, worry painted across every line. His hands are on Eddie’s shoulders.

They’re so warm.

Eddie shivers.

“You were hyperventilating,” Buck says. “I thought—”

“Just a dream,” Eddie grits out, trying to keep his teeth from chattering. He still feels frozen. Stupid—it was a dream, it wasn’t real, so he shouldn’t—it shouldn’t be this difficult.

He shivers again.

Buck’s brow furrows deeper.

“You’re shaking—are you cold?”

Eddie sits up and scrubs his hands over his face. He swallows back the denial on his tongue, the urge to run away and hide in the bathroom until a scalding shower makes him feel somewhat human again. Maybe he can’t always be honest with his therapist, but he can be honest with Buck.

“Yes,” he admits. “But it’s not—it’s just in my head. When I got shot I—it’s hard to explain but, yes. I’m cold. Freezing. I don’t know how—”

He cuts off and Buck shifts on the mattress, reaches out slowly so Eddie has plenty of time to stop him if he doesn’t want to be touched, and finally wraps his arms around him, pulling Eddie firmly against his chest.

“I’ll keep you warm,” Buck says quietly. And Eddie—

Something in him cracks. Not like ice during a thaw, but resolve after too much time of being worn down, pressure applied in precisely the right spot. He’s raw and ragged and his scarred heart hardly feels like anything anyone should want, but he’s so tired of pretending he hasn’t been trying to press it into Buck’s hands for a year in different ways. He’s tired of not asking and being afraid and waiting. He’s tired—

Buck makes a soft sound of surprise when Eddie kisses him. But he doesn’t push him away. And Eddie can’t help himself from pressing closer, curling one hand into Buck’s shirt and the other around the back of his neck and kissing him again and again and again, feeling altogether too frantic. He’ll probably find it in himself to be embarrassed in the morning, but want and desperation have left very little room for shame at the moment.

Buck kisses him back. His hands drop to Eddie’s hips as Eddie does his best to climb into his lap.

“Eddie,” Buck pants between kisses. “Eddie—I—” His head falls back and Eddie takes the opportunity to continue his exploration down the exposed line of Buck’s neck.

“Should we talk about this?” Buck finally manages, even as his own hands flirt with the hem of Eddie’s shirt.

Eddie freezes. The answer, of course, is yes. But talking is the last thing he wants to do when part of him still feels chilled to the bone, not wholly alive. He wants to be touched, wants to be consumed, wants to fall into orbit around Buck’s sun and never leave.

And it’s late. Dark. The two of them, the bed, the very room caught in a liminal space where anything could happen, anything could be said, anything could be forgiven. Eddie can’t decide if that’s a good thing or a dangerous one.

His mouth drags along the edge of Buck’s jaw.

“This isn’t because I wanted someone and you happened to be here, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

He doesn’t look at Buck’s face. It’s easier to not, to focus on something else. He stopped going to confession a long time ago, but he never had to look directly at his priest either, always some curtain or other barrier obscuring things, lending the illusion of privacy, anonymity.

“I’m in love with you,” he admits, and Buck’s hands flex on his hips. “I’ve been in love with you. So we can talk about this if you want, but—”

In an instant, Eddie’s on his back, the rest of his sentence swallowed up by the tongue sliding into his mouth. Buck is a warm, solid weight on top of him, pinning him, anchoring him, and Eddie finds he doesn’t mind when it forces him to be in the moment, reminds him that he’s fully in his own body.

“I love you, too,” Buck whispers when the kiss breaks, and then he’s pushing Eddie’s shirt up and off and dispensing with his own—

Shannon was his first. Eddie wasn’t hers and he remembers being glad that at least one of them had some idea of what to do because the second she touched him he was so overwhelmed by sensation that he could hardly think.

This is…not dissimilar. Buck’s chest presses flush against his, all warm, bare skin, and Eddie feels like he could drown in a different way. He arches up, seeking Buck’s mouth again, and Buck obliges.

Eddie’s focus narrows to certain points—the slick slide of Buck’s tongue against his, Buck’s hand ghosting along his ribs, the careful space between their hips and the low burn of heat in his gut that makes him want to close the gap—

His hands slide up Buck’s back slowly, his fingers tracing the knobs of Buck’s spine, the sharp edges of his shoulder blades—they dance along the line of his shoulders too, sketching the breadth that he’s noticed but never allowed his thoughts to linger on. His touch is careful, reverent, as if Buck is a holy thing that his stained, sinner hands have no business touching. Perhaps, in a sense that’s true.

He’s never been a very good Catholic, but sex—sex, desire, love—sex has always been something…sacred to him. In high school, he shied away from the locker room-style conversations about who went how far with whom, kept out of any discussion involving lamentations about still being a virgin at graduation. For one thing, he thought they were usually crass and disrespectful. But mainly he just—he didn’t care about waiting until marriage or anything like that, but he always knew he wanted to be in love. Hence, Shannon. And why there hadn’t been anyone after her.

Until now.

Eddie kisses Buck until his lungs ache, but he’s not close enough, feels like he can’t get close enough. One of his hands slides into Buck’s hair, but the other trails back down, presses lightly on Buck’s lower back as his own hips rock up, seeking friction. Buck swears against his lips and closes the distance—Eddie can feel him hard in his sweatpants and flushes, dizzy at the thought of having made that happen, dizzy at the thought of more, dizzy—

He feels very much like a clumsy teenager again, fumbling his way through on instinct. At least this sort of thing is familiar, even if he hasn’t done it with a man before. Buck grinds their hips together, the friction sending sparks through every one of Eddie’s nerve endings, and kisses down his neck, teeth scraping over his pulse point. Eddie gasps and Buck hums, low and pleased, against his skin.

And then, just as he thinks he’s used to the slow burn of pleasure, Buck shifts his weight and slides a hand down to toy with Eddie’s waistband. Buck meets his eyes in the dark and swallows hard.

“Can I—?”

This time, when Eddie shivers it has nothing to do with the cold.

“Please,” he rasps, and Buck smiles before tugging Eddie’s pants down just enough to wrap his hand around Eddie’s cock.

Buck’s touch is a little tentative at first, clearly unused to the angle, and the part of Eddie that’s still capable of noticing that spends a brief moment feeling grateful that he’s not the only one lacking in experience here. But what Buck may lack in experience, he makes up for in enthusiasm, experimenting with grip and speed and pressure to figure out exactly what to do to make Eddie gasp again, to make him bite his lip, to make him hide his face in Buck’s shoulder to muffle any louder noises he can’t quite hold back.

It doesn’t take long. Even before the shooting, Eddie rarely bothered to touch himself with any sort of regularity, and during his recovery he had even less of a reason to do so, what little energy he had in the first few months better spent elsewhere. He hadn’t realized how badly he needed it. But clearly his body did because his orgasm hits him like a train when Buck spits into his hand for extra glide and twists his wrist on the upstroke. He bites Buck’s shoulder and Buck’s hips jerk and then he’s just floating—boneless, breathless, and utterly wrecked in the best possible way.

Buck collapses on the mattress next to him as Eddie’s catching his breath—Eddie reaches out, his hand skating over Buck’s stomach, and makes a questioning noise. Buck laughs quietly and catches his hand, bringing it to his lips.

“I, uh—I’m good,” Buck promises, and even in the dark Eddie can see his cheeks flush.

Eddie curls into his side. “Really?”

Buck kisses him. “I don’t think you realize how long I’ve wanted to do that. Or how good you look. So, yes, I already—yes. Really.”

Eddie’s lips curve up. He presses a kiss to the edge of Buck’s jaw. As the immediate aftermath wears off, his eyelids start to grow heavy, his limbs moving a little less easily.

“We should probably shower,” he acknowledges, although the strength of the statement is likely diminished by the yawn that interrupts him halfway through.

“Probably,” Buck agrees, but he too makes no move to actually get up.

Pressed against him as he is, Eddie is warm and sated and content. He drifts, skirting the edge of sleep.

“I love you,” he says again. Because it feels important.

Buck hums. If he says something else, it’s too low for Eddie to catch.

When he dreams again, he doesn’t dream of drowning. He doesn’t dream of the cold.

Instead, there’s just light. Just warmth.

Just Buck.

[tomshiv]

TORTURE — crossposted on ao3

“My therapist asked me if i do this to myself,” Shiv started, nonchalantly, as she picked her way through the salad without actually committing to a bite, “this… prodigal daughter returning home thing, as some type of self-torture.”

“Your therapist?” Tom posed a little too quickly, which made her dart her eyes at him and then shy away, nodding.

There is a world of questions he wants to ask; number one:  since when do you have a therapist?  number two:  why don’t I have a therapist? — but Tom knows Shiv needs little convincing to shut herself up again, any needless prodding will do, and he’s so curious to see where she will go with this that he decides to keep it cool, try not to make it a big deal. “What did you say?”

“Nothing, really.” she shrugged, tossed the curly ends of her hair over her shoulder and grinned:  “I’ll be tortured either way, might as well be by my next of kin, right?”

Tom has too many things to say at once and they all get tangled up just at the door of his throat, like a traffic accident he doesn’t want to call too much attention to so he leans towards her eggs benedict and mouths a forkful, which makes her yelp and laugh, chasing him with her fork as if she was ready to stab him with it. Her brothers, she might’ve— in fact, he’s pretty sure she did scratch Roman with a fork once.

Torture.

It sticks to his head like an imprint, that concept; but the sun is shining across the glass windows and Shiv is laughing, her eyes so bright in that girlish way they do when she feels safest, and his heart feels so warm it might just burn itself off his chest.

They can unpack that later, surely.

[siclysweet]

In a Past Life Ch 1

Summary: Y/N has moved to Arcadia to have independence, when she meets a very familiar boy, and it seems a ghost from her past has followed her.

a/n: I finished the Tales of Arcadia series and fell in love with Douxie. I actually got inspired by the songs Gravity by Against the Current and Check Yes Juliet by We the Kings.

Warnings: Cursing in later chapters

Reader is afab and uses she/her pronouns.

Word count: 1044

12 century, Camelot

Here you were, in the woods, weaving together a daisy chain. These were Gunmar’s woods, but you weren’t afraid. Most of the trolls here had a tendency to ignore you since you had proven to them long ago that you would do them no harm. You were putting the finishing touches on your chain as a pair of hands covered your eyes. “Guess who~” Cooed a sing-song voice. “My, is it Gunmar? Or perhaps his son, Bular?” You giggled. The hands pulled away from your face and a dramatic Douxie entered your vision. A hand over his heart and an expression of shock as he scoffed. “I am wounded. I’m much more dashing than those two!” A smile crept onto his face as he also began to laugh. He sat beside you on the forest floor, watching you work. “Very lovely, who could this be for?” “Well, I thought it could be for you.” You reply, placing the finished daisy chain on his head. You think for a moment, and then wave your hand, casting a spell on the flowers to preserve them, it makes them glow ever so slightly. “There, now it’s finished.” You smile. A light blush makes its way onto Douxie’s cheeks. “I’ll treasure it always, thank you, Y/N.” He takes your hand in his and places a kiss on your knuckles. Your smile turns sad, and you squeeze his hand. “Douxie, promise me that we’ll see each other again after the battle.” You look into his eyes, your own wet with tears. Douxie gently cups your cheek and you lean into the touch. “I promise. We’ll meet here after and you can weave me more flower chains.” He wipes a tear from your cheek. “I’ll take one of these flowers with me for good luck.” He smiles.

But you aren’t able to uphold your end of the promise. You get separated from everyone, and by the time you notice the gum-gum, it’s too late. The war is won, and Douxie excitedly runs to the clearing the two of you agreed to meet at. But he would soon find that he would be the only one to enter the clearing for the next 900 years.

Present day, Arcadia

You set down the last box and looked around with a satisfied smile. It wasn’t much, but it was your first apartment, your own space. You had come to Arcadia for college, at least, that’s what your parents wanted. You weren’t too keen on the idea of going to college, you had just finished school, why should you go again? You picked up the box labeled “toiletries” and headed to the bathroom to unpack it. Everything was going well, you had put your shower stuffs into the shower, hung up the shower curtain and put down a rug. As you turned to put the rest of your things on the counter, you felt your heart drop to your stomach. In the mirror, there was you, and there was a woman behind you. You had seen her countless times before, she was your imaginary friend when you were small, but your therapist had made her go away. You hadn’t seen her in years, why was she here now? Why did she always look so sad? “No, no no no, you aren’t real. This isn’t happening!” You looked at the floor and put your hands around your face. “I just need to get some fresh air. When I come back, she won’t be here, she’s just a figment of my imagination. She’s not real.” You repeated this like a mantra as you made your way out of the apartment, stopping once you locked the door. You quickly made your way out of the building and into town. You had seen a cafe when you first arrived, it would be the perfect place to calm down and waste some time.

You took a seat at a table and held your head in your hands, thinking about what had happened. It had always weirded you out how much the ghost looked like you. When you were little, the ghost had always seemed to try to tell you something, but no sound ever escaped her lips. She would also make little flowers appear in her hands and put them in your hair, they had a green glow to them that would melt into your hands when you held them. As you were lost in thought, you heard someone clear their throat, it startled you. You looked up and felt your breath catch. You were staring up at a very handsome guy, he had an edgy look to him, with blue tips in his hair, dark clothes, and skull shaped jewelry. “Are you ready to order, miss?” He asked in a Welsh accent. “Oh, uhm, yes. I’ll just have some tea.” You smiled at him. “Alright. Just one tea. I’ll bring that right out to you.” He smiled and walked into the building. You weren’t sure why, but something about him felt so familiar, like you had met him somewhere before. You shook your head, almost to shake the thought away. You had probably just seen him when you had passed by here earlier. You rubbed your temple, your head beginning to hurt. “Here you are.” The waiter said, setting down 2 saucers. “Oh, I didn’t order the tiramisu.” You said, looking up at him. “It’s on me, you look like you’re being troubled by something, and I find that sweet things help people to feel better.” He smiled, making you blush. “Thank you. I-I’m sorry, have we met before? It’s just, you seem so familiar.” You suddenly felt silly. This guy was a complete stranger, and here you were, making yourself feel foolish. But, he only smiled and extended a hand for a shake. “I don’t think we have. I’m Hisridoux, though most people just call me Douxie.” He said. You took his hand and gave it a gentle shake. “I’m Y/N, I just moved here today.” “Y/N, that’s a lovely name. I’m happy to make your acquaintance. Perhaps after my shift I could show you around, give you a tour of our lovely little town.” “I’d like that, Douxie.” You smiled.

<Ch 1/Ch 2>

Feel free to check out my other works! ao3

[thesoulspulse]

When Blue Eyes Meet (Good Vlad AU ~ Oneshot)

Summary: I couldn't sleep and got this beautifully heartfelt idea in my head about how my Good Vlad met his cat Madison for the first time and how she helped turn his life around. It's about she adopted him, sensing how bad Vlad needed a friend after Jack and Maddie moved on with their lives until they finally meet again at their college reunion. Warning, this mentions character death.

Vlad's POV

I'll never forget that day, the day I met a very special little lady.

I had only been fully discharged from the hospital for a few weeks but...after I insisted on making sure Jack and Maddie could move on with their own lives without me since I wouldn't drag them down, but once returned home I was suddenly reminded of how alone in the world I really was now. Both my parents had passed away before I started my freshman year of college but they left me with everything I would need to secure a bright future, even the house which gave me a place to return to in the first place since we had no idea the accident would result in me being bedridden for several years.

But as soon as I stepped inside the house, just like my heart it felt so...hollow.

The warmth I used to feel there was long gone, and it had nothing to do with still needing to pay the heating bill. And I suppose it's fortunate that the money I had set aside to pay for my school supplies and my half of the rent was enough to pay for my hospital bills so I had just enough left over to invest in gaining a new lease on life after the accident. It would take time, but I was confident I would be able to go back and continue my studies eventually, but for now I need to focus on figuring out how to cope with the other huge transformation I had undergone.

I almost had to laugh at the irony because perhaps I'm only living a half-life since the accident turned me half-ghost. It was difficult at first, hiding the truth about my condition not only from Jack and Maddie, but the nurses and doctors as well. Thankfully, I inherited my father's sharp wits and managed to conceal my powers fairly well. As for the rest, it was just easier to let people assume they were only seeing things whenever they saw a strange light or my hand seemed to pass through solid objects. After all, who would ever believe that a human with ghost powers could possibly exist...?

Still, I suppose one good thing about returning to that house is that it was nice to finally be able to relax somewhat knowing I wouldn't need to hide my powers from anyone, or at least not nearly as often when I was still a patient. I would still have to be careful if someone came to visit me, but honestly the odds of that happening ere  highly unlikely. I say this because I have no living relatives left. No parents, no cousins or siblings, just me.

Sighing I set down my bags and started unpacking boxes. I needed something else to occupy my thoughts because I still hadn't quite gotten over the fact that I lost my scholarship. Realistically I knew that couldn't be helped given what happened to me so instead I turned my attention to the things I still could control, such as ensuring I still had a place to live since I was no longer a student and Jack wasn't my roommate anymore.

Speaking of which, right from the start I wanted make sure to avoid living somewhere with too many people around so although my original plan was to move back here after graduation I made the decision to return to this town ahead of schedule in light of my extenuating circumstances.

There were still faint traces of my old life here back from when my parents were still alive such as my father's desk and my mother's cooking supplies. And quite honestly, being back here and suddenly feeling their absence all over again...it made me sad. I missed them, just as much I miss Jack and Maddie but I had to start moving on too. So I shook my head, turned our old record player, and kept myself busy by unpacking my belongings.

Luckily I had everything I owned in the dorm moved here after it became painfully clear I wouldn't be able to attend classes anymore due to my critical condition. Jack and Maddie offered to do it for me personally but I declined their kind off because for one thing I didn't want them to find out where I live before I had enough time to gain full control of my powers, and for another I wanted to make a clean break for their sake...

I was dangerous to be around whether I liked it or not so exposing them to danger while my powers were still a bit difficult to control was not a risk I was willing to take. Especially since those two are all I had left and someday...I really hoped I'd be able to meet them again and tell them the truth about my powers. But until then, all I could do was try my best to start over and hope for the best.

~

Once I settled in, I began testing out my powers more, taking notes, pushing my limits, and yet the more I learned about myself the more I wished I had someone to share my discoveries with. Jack could be overzealous at times, but I missed how excited we both felt after making a new discovery about ghosts or ectoplasmic energy. And Maddie, she always knew how to reign us in so we could look at things more objectively even though she was usually just as eager to find out more too.

Having no one left to talk to or come home to had finally started to get to me and sadly as a result that's when the nightmares started up again too. Just like back in the hospital I would wake up in a cold sweat, clutching the sheets in both fists as the ghostly blue glow of my eyes cast flickering shadows on the walls. I had gotten careless because I thought I would be alright as long as I didn't have to worry about a doctor or a nurse walking in at any second and seeing my eyes glowing in the darkness.

That's when I realized I had to do something about this before things escalated even further and my emotions spiraled out of control again without some sort of outlet. I needed to make a connection, a way to overcome this shadow looming over me, so I considered seeing a therapist to prevent these nightmares from overtaking me. But I was afraid that if I did talk to someone...what if I became too emotional and exposed my powers to them? That could be a huge problem. I could always overshadow them, but I'd still be avoiding dealing with this terrible helplessness I felt.

That day, I was wandering around town in a daze, conflicted about how to deal with the problem when I happened to enter a local animal shelter. The people at the front desk were friendly, but I had never considered how my...ghostly attributes might make most animals wary of me since they have a sixth sense for the supernatural which quite honestly made me feel even more detached from the person I once was. As a boy I got along well with most animals but I never felt particularly attached to them. Dogs were a bit too energetic for my tastes and I had to deal with that enough with Jack but cats on the other hand, well I have always appreciated their independent spirit but I never considered them to be very affectionate animals...

That all changed the instant I saw her.

On my way out the door after satisfying my idle curiosity about how animals seem to perceive me now that I'm only half human I noticed this sleek black kitten staring directly at me with the most stunning blue eyes I've ever seen and when our eyes met, what I felt...I can't even describe it. It felt as though she was looking right at me, into my heart, and for the first time since the accident, it was like someone had noticed how lost I was and there was this unmistakable look of gentle sympathy in her eyes.

Mesmerized by her gaze, I turned around and asked the person at the desk more about her and they told me she had been abandoned which I could relate to to some degree. To be fair I hadn't been abandoned necessarily, but I felt that way sometimes since it was gradually becoming harder and harder to wake up alone in that empty house every morning, not sure what I should be doing with the rest of my life now that I'm all alone and don't have friends to confide in anymore I can visit whenever I want.

Impulsively I asked if I could hold her and they agreed, smiling at me secretively as if they already knew I felt an instant attachment to her and as soon as they handed her to me...she clung to me like her life depended on it and then crawled up onto my shoulders, wrapping her tiny body around my neck as much as possible and as soon as she was comfortable she started purring. It was like a hug of sorts and I had no idea how starved for the gentle contact from another living creature of any kind from someone that wasn't just another doctor poking and prodding me that all I remember is falling to my knees soon after, sobbing and resting my cheek against her head as she rubbed against me, licking away my tears.

Finally, I thought, this is what I've been searching for ever since I came home. I've missed having someone there who cares about me, someone to remind me that I'm not alone, someone who can stay by my side so I don't have to suffer in silence anymore without a friend there to comfort me just when I start to think I can't bear it anymore.

I'm sure everyone who saw me that day were just as stunned as I was by my meltdown, but I didn't care. I needed her. And she needed me, no, for reasons I cannot even begin to fathom she WANTED to be with me and no one else. It's like she had been waiting for me to walk in that door from the very start. Waiting for me to give her a home, a family, and most importantly...a name. And that name would become a bond that could never be broken, not even after her tragic death some years later when she returned to my side once more as a ghost because she knew I still desperately needed a friend-

And that's how Madison became my closest and dearest companion.

We’ve been inseparable ever since.

[atlafan]

Wrecked - One Shot

a/n: this is slightly inspired by the wilds because I watched that recently, but it’s in no way as messed up or sad. psychologist/therapist!Harry is detective Nikki Reese’s ex’s best friend. They end up on the same cruise, and the two end up going overboard due to a freak hurricane. What happens while they’re stranded? Well, you’ll have to read to find out! Feedback and reblogs are super helpful! I really want to know what you all think of this one!!! (not proofread) You can support me here if you’re able!

Warnings: a lot of angst, a little fluff, and some smut. TW: trauma/dealing with trauma (Nikki is an SVU detective, so some things of that nature are brought up, but not in graphic detail)

Words: 14K

Pairing: Harry x OC

It was supposed to be a cruise, a ten-day cruise around the Caribbean to help clear her head. Well, it was originally an engagement present to herself and her ex, but since they were now broken up, it was to help clear her head. Nikki never would have thought she would end up in this situation, and especially not with someone she hated just as much as her ex…his best friend. As she lays under the stars for yet another night, she can’t help but think back to how she got herself into this mess in the first place.

//

She was packed and ready to go, excited even. Nikki had never gone on a cruise before, and she was looking forward to meeting some new people. She was never one to be nervous to go to things alone, she knew how to take care of herself and keep herself safe. She had grown up as the mom friend, so her purse was always stalked with essentials. She had one of those ones that was like a little backpack.

Nikki got to the docks a little later than she was hoping, but there was nothing she could do about getting stuck in traffic. She gets out of her cab in her white sundress, large sunhat, and sunglasses, and rolls her suitcase up the pathway to the boat. There was a bit of a line, but she didn’t mind. For the next ten days, she had all the time in the world.

There was a large area for her to check in at, and get her room key. She was surprised she wouldn’t be able to do it over her phone, but she knew that once they set sail the WIFI may not be as strong in certain places. She brought a spare lanyard to stick it on and everything.

“Hello, Miss.” The woman at the table smiles.

“Hello, I’m Nicole Reese.” Nikki smile.

The woman nods and looks her up in the system. She takes out two room keys and hands them to Nikki, along with a couple of pamphlets that were full of activity options, and where the boat would be stopping.

“Here you are, Miss Reese. We hope you enjoy your stay with us. It’s going to be an excellent cruise. Your other party has already checked in.”

“My who?” Nikki’s heart stops.

“There’s two of you signed up for this suite. A nice gentleman checked in about twenty minutes ago.” She taps a few times on the keyboard. “A Mr. Harry Styles.” The woman smiles. “Has there been a mix up?”

“Nope.” Nikki swallows. “Everything’s fine.”

Nikki quickly makes her way to her room. The ship was pretty easy to navigate. She was enraged. Had Kyle sent Harry in his place? Why the fuck was Harry even there? Did he suddenly acquire time off from work? She scans her key card, and enters the suite.

“Jesus, fuck!” Harry shouts. “What are you doing here?”

“What am I doing here?! What are you doing here?!”

“Kyle sold me his ticket…he…he didn’t think you’d still go.” His face falls. “Why did you?”

“Because I paid for my own fucking ticket, and I wasn’t going to let him ruin my trip! I planned the god damn thing, I should get to enjoy it. You need to leave before the ship does.”

“Sorry, I paid to be here too, I’m staying.”

“Don’t be a prick, Harry.”

“M’not trying to be. I got the time off last minute, I need a vacation just like anyone else.”

“And you came here alone?”

“Yeah.” He shrugs. “Thought it would be nice to meet some new people…apparently you thought the same. Unless…oh no, did Alex come with you?” He groans.

“No, she’s not with me.” Nikki rolls her eyes. She knew it was useless to argue with Harry. “That couch should be a pullout, you can sleep on it.”

“But I’ve already started to unpack in the bedroom…you know I have a bad back, Nikki, come on.” He follows her into the bedroom. “It’s a king sixed bed, we can just share. I’ll even make a pillow divider if that makes you more comfortable.”

“I am not sharing a bed with my ex fiance’s best friend!” She looks around. “It’s bad enough we have to share a fucking bathroom.”

“Look, if I thought this boat would have any extra room, I’d go ask for one, but the woman at the desk said it was a fully booked cruise.” He runs a hand through his hair. “I know this isn’t an ideal situation…but think of this way, it’s nice to know at least one person here, right?”

“Wrong.” She shakes her head. “I came here so I could have some time to just not be reminded of Kyle for one fucking second! Now with you here…I’m gonna be reminded of him every single fucking day.” She blinks away a few tears. “You probably think I’m being stupid since it’s been three whole months since we ended things, but-“

“I don’t think it’s stupid…you two were together for three years, that’s a long time to be with someone.”

Nikki nods, and then sighs heavily.

“I think they’re going to make the safety announcements soon. Uh, let’s back out to the main deck, yeah? We can figure all of the sleeping arrangements out later.”

“Fine.”

The two silently head up to the main deck and listen to all of the announcements on how to stay safe, and other things they might need to know. There were a lot of passengers all around them. Nikki was hoping to have some type o rebound while on this trip. How the fuck was she supposed to bring someone back to her room with Harry there? Maybe he was thinking the same thing. His cruise could have easily just been ruined like hers.

“Have you told him I’m here?” She asks him as they move towards the railing to watch the boat take off.

“No.” Harry says. “My phone’s on airplane mode, I’m trying to unplug while I’m here. It’s really none of his business, Nikki.”

“That, or you just don’t want him asking questions.” She scoffs.

“Either way, I haven’t told him, and I’m not going to, okay? You can relax.”

“No, I can’t.”

“Why?”

“Because the suite I thought I was going to have to myself has been infiltrated by a six foot, curly headed, no good moron!”

“Hey! I’m not the one who cheated on you, okay?! Don’t take it out on me. Maybe you should have been a better partner to him and he wouldn’t have felt the need to stray.”

“Fuck you, Harry.” Nikki huffs, and walks away from him.

He knew he shouldn’t have said that, but she shouldn’t have called him a moron. That was the problem with Nikki, she thought she was smarter than everyone else, but you don’t get to become an SVU detective by being stupid. It wasn’t her fault that her work was a 24-hour job. She was lucky she even had the time off for this. All activities on the boat were all inclusive, and she wasn’t going to waste it. When she gets back to the room, she starts to unpack so she can freshen up. Harry comes in shortly after. She was just getting out of the bathroom.

“Nikki, look, I-“

“The pillow divider should be fine…I’d feel bad if you hurt your back.”

“Are you serious?”

“We’re both adults, think we can share a bed without it getting weird. You were right before…it’s good to know at least one other person.”

“Nikki, I’m sorry about what I said before.”

“Don’t be. You were absolutely right. I drove him to it.”

She knew how to play the game and keep the peace with someone. It would be easier to play nice with Harry so she could enjoy her trip than it would be to fight with him the entire time. And he was right about one thing, he wasn’t the one she was truly mad at. A little resentful maybe, but she wasn’t mad at Harry.

“Do you…wanna head down to the bar?” He asks her.

“Yeah.” She smiles. “That sounds good.”

Nikki doesn’t stay with Harry for long. She finds herself talking to a cute guy that was seated next to her. Harry didn’t mind because he was talking to some other folks as well. Nikki has dinner with the cute guy, and eventually goes back to his room with him. She has her fun and goes back to her own room. Harry was there, just getting out of the shower, his towel hanging low on her hips.

“Hi.” Nikki says, blushing. “Are you done in there?”

“Yeah, it’s all yours.”

“I…I talk in my sleep sometimes…and sometimes I…punch.”

“Punch?”

“Yeah, I have, like, bad dreams because of work.”

“Oh…well, thanks for the warning. I’m sorry that happens to you.”

“I’ve learned to live with it.” She grabs something to wear to bed before going into the bathroom. She takes a shower, and then comes out. She smirks when she sees the pillows in the middle of the bed. “Thanks.”

“It’s the least I could do since I ruined your vacation.”

“You didn’t know I was coming.” She gets into the bed and turns the light off. “Just like how I didn’t know you were coming. I had a bad reaction before.” She sighs as she gets comfortable. “Nice bed.”

“Yeah, better than a hotel. Well…goodnight, Nik.”

“Night, Har.”

//

Harry was rustled awake around four in the morning. He looks over his shoulder and sees Nikki thrashing around. He sits up immediately and moves the pillows out of the way. She was drenched in sweat, so he rips the blankets back. She was gritting her teeth and kicking her legs.

“Nikki!” Harry grabs her shoulders to try to wake her up. “Nicole!” He straddles her hips to try to still her body. She was really strong. Her eyes burst open and she gasps for breath.

“What are you doing?!”

“You were having a bad dream!” He strokes her cheek, and moves her matted hair away from her face. Her breathing calms eventually and he gets off of her. “Do you want me to get you some water?”

“Please.” She sits up. Harry jumps out of bed and goes to fill up a glass. He comes back quickly and hands it to her, sitting on her side of the bed. She takes slow sips. “Thanks.”

“That looked pretty scary…do you remember what your dream was about?”

“Um, yeah, but I don’t want to scare you. I can’t really talk about cases.”

“If you need someone to talk to, I don’t-“

“It’s fine, Harry.” She snaps.

“Is…is this why you and Kyle never moved in together? Because you get these night terrors?”

“That…among other things. I don’t want to talk about him right now. I’m sorry I woke you.”

“Don’t be.” He puts his hand on her leg, giving her a squeeze. “Why don’t I put the TV on, hm? We can just relax for a bit, and-“

“Harry, fuck, I don’t need you to be my shrink!”

“I’m not trying to be! Jesus, you cops all think seeing a therapist makes you weak, but it’s actually the strongest fucking thing you can do.” He huffs. “I’m turning the TV on so I can get back to sleep. I need the white noise.”

He grabs the remote off the dresser and turns the TV on. He flips around the stations until he finds MTV.

“MTV?” Nikki asks.

“They show music videos early in the morning. It’s what the whole fucking station was created for in the first place.” He puts the volume on low, and gets back into bed. Neither of them bother putting the pillow barriers back.

“You don’t understand the stigma. If we see psychologists…they think we can’t do our jobs properly.”

“So you just suffer in silence? Must be fucking terrifying to have nightmares so often.”

“It’s my problem, not yours.”

“But it doesn’t have to be a problem, there are a lot of things you can do to-“

“Harry, please just drop it.” She turns away from him, sinking back into the mattress, and pulling the blankets back onto herself. “I’m sorry I woke you.”

“Whatever.”

//

They barely speak for the next couple of days, which sucks because the first couple of days are just spent on the boat until they reach the Caribbean islands. Their first stop would be in Florida, and Nikki couldn’t wait to get off the boat and explore where they were getting off at.

“Hey, uh…do you think we could grab breakfast together this morning?” Harry asks her just as she was packing her bag for the day.

“Sure.” She sighs.

He nods, gets his own backpack together, and they head to the breakfast buffet. They both had started to make other friends, but Harry thought it might be nice to explore the Florida coast with her. Luckily, Nikki hadn’t had any more night terrors since that first night. Her head was really starting to feel clearer. They’re quiet at the table they choose to sit at. Harry sighs heavily as he sips his orange juice. He notices Nikki stuffing a few apples into her bag.

“What are you doing?” He asks her.

“We’re going to be out all day today, I wanted to make sure I had snacks.”

“You need three apples?”

“For someone else…if they need one.” She mutters. “I just like being prepared, I can’t help it.”

“Well, I suppose if I get hungry later, I’ll be thankful.”

“Oh, are we wandering around together today?” She raises her eyebrows, and takes a bite of her bagel.

“I was hoping so. I don’t like that we’ve barely spoken these last couple of days. We’re friends, Nikki, why can’t we act like it?”

“I stopped being friends with you the day I found out Kyle was fucking cheating on me.” She stands up and storms off. Harry groans, but follows her. It had gotten increasingly windy out, normal stormy morning in Florida. Although, it had started to drizzle. “Stop following me, Harry!”

“No!” He grabs her wrist. They were outside on one of the lower decks. Not many people were outside due to the weather. “I didn’t know, okay?”

“What are you talking about?”

“I didn’t know Kyle was cheating on you!”

“How could you not have known, you’re his fucking roommate! And apparently, it was going on for over six months!”

“He never brought her home! Any girl that he brought over was you, and any time he was gone for the night I just assumed he was with you…if I had known…” He steps closer to her. “I would have confronted him, and told him to cut it out. I would never condone something like that.”

“But you’re still friends with him! You just sat in your room while we were fighting!”

“I’ve been friends with him since uni! I was confused, I thought it’d be better to be on his side and keep the peace. I yelled at him afterwards. I told him he was an asshole for proposing to you while having someone else on the side. And I don’t live with him anymore, alright? I moved out a month ago, got my own place. We’re still friends, yeah, but I…I couldn’t look at him every day knowing what he did to you.” He puts his hand on her shoulder. “I always liked you, Nikki. From the second he started bringing you around, I thought he hit the jack pot, and he fucked it up.”

“He told me I drove him to it. That I wasn’t around enough, that I wasn’t giving him what he needed, but he didn’t feel like he could break it off because we already invested so much time. The fact that it was with his co-worker, someone I never even really trusted.” Nikki scoffs. “I’m glad we weren’t living together, sort of made things easier.” She looks down. “I can’t help that my job keeps me busy, and that I’m not always up to fucking my boyfriend after dealing with a sexual assault case.” She looks back up at him.

“I get it.” He sighs, and grips the railing. “Somedays I come home after a rough session with a patient…like, you know when it’s so bad that when you drive home in silence and go the speed limit?” She nods at him. “It sucks sometimes…being someone that makes other people’s lives easier.”

“Right, because telling a worried mother that her child was found dead and buried in the woods totally makes things easier.” She rolls her eyes.

“That mother gets closure at least. She knows where her kid was and what happened. It helps with the grieving process.” He looks at her again. “You know I work with a lot of victims and survivors, right? I’m not out prescribing anti-depressants to a bunch of rich fucks.”

“I guess I forgot about that.” She furrows her brows at him. “You really didn’t know he was cheating on me?”

“Nikki, I swear, I had no idea.”

Just as she was about to say something else, the wind had picked up. Everything happened really fast from there. Sirens had started to go off, a hurricane was whipping up the coast. It wasn’t supposed to, it was supposed to travel out east, but it didn’t. Harry and Nikki had grabbed onto one another, but it wasn’t enough to stay grounded. They both got flipped over the side of the boat. Nikki had just grabbed at one of the life boats that was attached to the side in time. She pulled the tag, it inflated, and they landed in the water. They were dragged under at first, trying desperately to hang onto the raft. Nikki wasn’t sure how much longer she could hang on for, though. Everything around her started to fade. All she could see was her hand grasping around the rope of the raft before everything black.

//

Nikki’s eyes fluttered open when she felt water splashing on her face. She sits up slowly when she realizes she was drifting along the shoreline. She stands up and tries to figure out her surroundings. She remembered the storm, but she could have been blown all the way to Cuba. She looks to her left and sees the orange raft. Her backpack was next to it, thank god. She stands up slowly and goes over to the raft to flip it over. She steps back when she sees Harry laying there.

“Fuck.” She breathes and kneels down next to him. She almost forgot he was swept away with her. She checks his pulse first, he’s alive. She starts performing CPR, just the chest compressions. Before long he’s coughing up water. “Oh, thank god.”

“What…what happened?” He sits up slowly.

“We got…blown off the boat, I think. There was a big storm that wasn’t properly forecasted. I wonder if anyone else got thrown off like we did.” She looks around, but doesn’t see anyone else. “I have no idea where we are.” She opens her backpack. Everything was wet, but still useful. “My phone’s fully charges and working.”

“How?”

“I have one of those waterproof cases.” She squints at it, raising it up. “No signal.” She digs through her bag and finds a small baggie.

“What’s that?”

“Personal hot spot.” She turns it on and connects her phone. “The signal’s weak, but it’s there.” She stands up and starts walking around. “Map app won’t work.” She groans. “Fuck, I just wanna know where we are!”

“Try calling the ship director, I bet they’re taking attendance for safety measures.”

“Do you happen to know what that number is?”

“No.”

“Well, neither do I. Let me call my partner. The WIFI calling should work.” She taps the number and puts the phone on speaker.

“Aren’t you supposed to be on vacation?”

“Dan! Thank god you answered.”

“Woah, Reese, what’s wrong?”

“There was a freak storm down in Florida…I got thrown off the boat. I just woke up ashore somewhere, but I have no idea where…could be an island off the coast, or we could be in another part of Florida.”

“Can you try sending me your location?”

“The map app won’t work…”

“But you might be able to send your location over iMessage. Are you alone?”

“No…a man named Harry Styles got thrown over with me. He’s a friend of Kyle’s.”

“Gross.”

“There are worse people to be stranded with.” She smirks at Harry.

“Are either of you hurt?”

“I’m a little achy, but nothing’s sprained or broken. Harry, are you alright?”

“Yeah, m’fine.” He says as he stands up.

“Alright, I’ve got your location…shit.”

“Dan.” She sighs. “Where the fuck are we?”

“Cuba.”

“How the fuck did we end up in Cuba?!” She shouts. “The ferry here would be an overnight trip for fuck sake.”

“Don’t know. I’m looking into it now and it looks like a pretty powerful hurricane swept you guys away. It’s like it chewed you up and spit you out. You’re lucky to be alive. I have the name of the cruise ship, since you left me the contact info, I’ll alert them right away. I’m sure they’re taking stock of who might be missing. I’ll have to get special clearance to get you out of there. It could take a few days. Do you have any supplies?”

“Yeah, I’ve got my mini water purifier, and a couple of bottles, some fruit and granola bars…basic essentials.”

“Okay, stay where you are, try to make a shelter in case more rain comes. Don’t use your phone at all unless I call you. I don’t want your battery running out. I’ll get you out of there, Nik.”

“Thank you, Dan. You’re amazing.”

“I’m sorry your vacation got ruined. I’m sure Captain will give you an extended leave.”

“I’m not worried about that right now. It’ll be dark in a few hours and we need to get to building a shelter like you said. Keep me updated.”

“Will do, stay safe.”

Nikki hangs up the phone and looks around.

“What are you looking for?”

“Drift wood. We can use some and the raft to make a little shelter to huddle under. We also need to make a fire to stay warm. If we’re going to be out here for a few days, we need to think smart.”

“What if there are wild animals running around, or-“

“Harry.” She puts her hands on his shoulders. “I know this is really scary, but you can’t freak out, okay? Did you ever read Hatchet growing up?”

“Y-yeah?”

“Okay, so, that little boy got stranded in a fucking forest in Canada…in winter! We’re at least on a warm beach. We can still wash up, and I have a mini water purifier. We’ll be okay. I just need you to not freak out. I’ll need your help.”

“Okay, but after we’re rescued you better let me freak out as much as I want.”

“Deal.” She sighs and goes to her backpack. “Here, put on some sunscreen.” She hands him the sprayable can.

“What are you, the fucking grandmother from Halloween Town? Is that a bottomless bag?” He chuckles as he sprays himself with the lotion.

“No, but I’m a detective that helps people that go missing, so I’ve learned some things along the way. I never leave my house without a stocked bag.”

//

The two work together to move the raft back so it wasn’t near the water. They’re able to find some wood sturdy enough to prop it up for a small shelter. Next, they work on making a fire. Luckily, Nikki’s lighter was still working. Harry was able to keep things going as she checked their supplies.

“We’ll have to ration a bit. Apples are high in carbs, so they should keep us full enough. I’ve got two bottles of water in here. Once we finish them we can use the purifier. I even have two travel toothbrushes and toothpaste in here.” She smiles. “I have deodorant too, but no soap, sorry. We’ll just have to use the salt water to keep us clean.” She furrows her brows as she keeps looking at everything. “I have granola bars as well. Ugh, thank god I had my period last week. I’d be pissed if I had to deal with that too.” She takes out a couple of tampons. “Besides, these’ll be great fire starters.”

“I guess things could be a lot worse.” He sighs and sits next to her once the fire is good to go. “We’ll probably have to take turns watching it, huh?”

“Most likely.” She starts laughing.

“What could possibly be funny?” He asks.

“Nothing, just…wouldn’t it be hilarious if we were just in some rich family’s backyard?” She looks behind them. “I know we’re not, but it would be funny.”

“Yeah.” He smirks. “Well, now that most of the excitement is over, I’m gonna go take a leak.”

“Hey, if you shit, make sure you dig a hole first and cover it. We don’t need to attract animals.”

“Not that I have to do that right now, but you don’t have toilet paper in there do you?”

“I have a packet of tissues, but they need to dry out a bit. Got pads too, those could work…but I may hog them since I have more areas to wipe than you do.”

“Fair enough. Suppose I could use some leaves if need be. I’ll be right back.” He disappears into a discrete area so he can wee, and then comes back to find her rubbing lotion onto her bare arms and legs.

“I’m really glad I wore shorts today and not a dress.” He sits down next to her. “Don’t worry about your luggage back on the ship, either, Dan will make sure everything will get back to us.” She takes out a gun from her bag.

“Holy shit.” He flinches.

“Relax, it’s a flare gun. I’m saving it to use for when they come for us. No use in using it now. I don’t really feel like getting thrown into a Cuban prison.”

“Yeah, that’s not exactly on my bucket list.” Harry chuckles. “What did you do to the water bottles?”

“Oh, I used a marker to mark off how much we should drink at a time to conserve it.”

“God, if there was ever someone to get stranded with, I’m glad it’s you. You’ve thought of everything.”

“I’ve just been trained well.” She shrugs. “Wish I had some blankets or something. It’s gonna be shit sleeping on the sand.”

“We could lay our clothes out and sleep on those.”

“You know, that’s not a bad idea. We’d create more body heat if we’re almost naked.”

“Oh, so we’re cuddling?” He smirks.

“Not cuddling, surviving.” She corrects him.  “We could drag out some of the larger leaves too. Make a pellet of sorts.” She stands up. “Come on, let’s go search for some.”

“Okay.” He watches as she grabs a lipstick out of her bag. “Freshening up?”

“It’s to mark the trees so we don’t get lost.” She deadpans, and he follows her into the unknown territory.

//

“Four days?!” Nikki shouts into her phone.

“I’m sorry, that was the quickest I could get clearance for a plane to Cuba.”

“But it’s a rescue mission, Dan!”

“Yeah, into a non U.S. territory, Nikki. I spoke with the cruise ship director, you were the only two unaccounted for. Your things are safe. I flew down to Florida today and gathered both of your things. I made sure to get you both a full refund on your tickets. I also contacted the people on your emergency contact lists so they’re informed. It’s going to be okay, you just need to survive on that beach. Can you do that?”

“Yes.”

“Good. Try to get some sleep. I’ll call you in the morning if I get any new information.”

Nikki sighs heavily and lays back under the raft. Her and Harry had made a decent enough pellet with leaves so they could keep their clothes on.

“Four days we’re going to be stuck out here.” She shakes her head. “This is all my fault.”

“What are you talking about?” Harry lays back next to her.

“If I hadn’t stormed off from breakfast, we never would’ve been swept off the ship!”

“Hey,” he turns on his side to look at her better, “don’t do that. Neither of us had any idea a hurricane was coming. At least we know someone’s coming for us. So we’ll feel a little hungry and maybe we’ll get bored. Let’s just pretend we’re on a really remote vacation.” He smiles at her.

“I have to pee.” She stands up and finds a spot to do her business before joining him back on the ground. “Let’s try to get some sleep.” She rolls away from him.

“Didn’t you say we needed to keep each other warm?”

“Yeah…I…prefer to be the little spoon.” She smutters. Harry wraps his arm around her, and gets his leg between hers. “Hold on.” She sits up and takes her bra off under shirt, then she takes her shorts off. “Need something to put under my head…and I can’t sleep with this thing on.”

“Good idea.” Harry peels his shirt off and puts it under his own head. They get back into position. She feels warmer with his bare chest against her back. “Goodnight, Nik.”

“Goodnight, Harry.”

//

The next morning, Harry wakes up alone. He sits up and gets his shirt back on. He squints towards the water and sees Nikki in her bra and underwear. She was about calf deep rinsing herself. She brushes her teeth and walks back towards their little campsite.

“Morning.” She says as she throws some wood on the fire. “Water’s warm. I was just cleaning off yesterday’s sunscreen.” She grabs the can and sprays her body, rubbing it in on certain spots. “What?” She noticed he was staring at her.

“N-nothing, uh, where’s that other toothbrush?”

“Here.” She tosses it to him, along with the toothpaste.

“Thanks.” He clears his throat and gets up. When he comes back, he sees that she’s put her other clothes back on. “So…how should we handle not dying today?”

“Think we need to treat it as a beach day, but in the shade. I don’t want us getting dehydrated.”

“I can’t sit around for four days, I’ll go bananas.” He sighs. “Can’t we go for a walk?”

“Sure, but we shouldn’t go too far.” She looks at her watch. “This’ll tell me when we hit a mile, how does that sound?”

“Works for me.” He shrugs. The two go for a walk. Nikki puts her phone and hotspot in her back pocket. “What’s your percentage at?”

“Eighty. I put it on airplane mode last night to conserve it. I know it won’t last a full four days, but I’m hoping Dan can get here sooner than that. Special clearance for a fucking rescue mission.” She scoffs. “This is ridiculous! Who’d you put as your emergency contact?”

“I’d rather not say.”

“Harry.”

“It’s Kyle, alright?”

“Wow, so you can barely look at the guy, but you put him down for an emergency contact.”

“I’m British, my family lives in the U.K., he’s the only person close enough to me here that I could put down. Who was yours?”

“Alex.”

“She’s so annoying, I don’t know how you stand to be friends with her.”

“I happen to love her, so it seems like a you problem.”

“She’s never been nice to me.”

“It’s because she likes you and you don’t like her back, and she’s not great with dealing with it.”

“She likes me?!”

“Yeah, she thinks you’re cute.” Nikki shrugs. “Think you were still seeing Tina when I first introduced her to you, and then you broke up and didn’t make a move, she was sort of hurt, but to be fair she didn’t make a move either.”

“She’s pretty, but she’s not my type…sorry.”

“You don’t have to be sorry. Can’t help you like, you know? I still can’t believe I was stupid enough to fall for a lawyer, especially with the business that I’m in.”

“You know, he used to talk about you all the time. He loved how were this strong, independent woman who was just…badass. He saw you as fearless, and he really liked that. We’re both needy guys…I think the busier you got, he just didn’t know what to do with himself. I personally would have tried to talk to you about it and not my colleague, but that’s just me.”

“He’s a brilliant lawyer, but he sure is a fucking moron. Has he…mentioned me at all since we broke up?”

“I know he felt like shit at first, but…th-the woman, Katie, moved in with him when I moved out…I’m sorry.”

“Well, they’ve been together nine months, perfectly acceptable amount of time to be together before moving in. I bet she never has nightmares.” She looks down at her watch. “We should turn around.” They do, and get back to walking towards their things.

“I know you were blindsided, but…I think things happen for a reason. You two weren’t supposed to get married. I…and this is just my inner psychologist speaking, but when I’d observe you two, you just never really seemed all that compatible. Especially as time went on. Your witty banter turned into hushed arguments. I think when two people get too comfortable, they’re too scared to break it off and start all over.”

“I wanted to marry him. He was the love of my life, Harry. And he…he ripped me to shreds. In my profession, it’s pretty male dominated, or there’s a ton of lesbians, which is fine, but…sometimes I don’t always feel like a woman first. Kyle…Kyle always made me feel like a woman first, and a detective second. It made me feel special.”

“Nik…he…he learned how to treat you like that because of me. He was constantly asking me for advice on how to deal with you.”

“How to deal with me?” They get back to their camp. “Didn’t realize I needed to be dealt with.” She huffs.

“See, that’s your problem right there. You’re extremely hot headed! Are you, like, the bad cop at work? Do you get into the suspect’s face, and scream at them?”

“No, I keep my cool at work. No one gives you information when you yell at them.”

“You’re constantly jumping to conclusions, Nikki. You look down on people when they can’t figure things out right away. He wanted to be with you, but he didn’t know how. So I helped him.”

“Right, are you done pointing out my flaws now?” She rolls her eyes.

“I’m not trying to do that. I just think-“

“That’s your problem. You never stop thinking. You never do. You’re a fucking wallflower, Harry. You come off cool with your tattoos and your nail polish and your rings, but underneath it all you’re a shy little boy who never speaks up when he should.”

“And you like to push people away so much that every word you spit stings.”

“I think we should not talk until it’s time to eat later.” She says, looking away from him.

“That’s your best idea yet.” He says, and storms off. She watches him peel his cloths off, stripping to his boxers, and dive into the water.

//

They share an apple in the midafternoon. She was able to cut it up with her swiss-army knife. They didn’t say anything to each other. Nikki and Harry used to have a decent enough friendship. He would often watch a movie with her and Kyle, or he’d come out to the bar to hang out with their other friends. They got know each other well for the most part. She hated feeling such disdain towards him, but right now he was the only punching bag in sight, and she was abusing him for it. Around three in the afternoon, she comes over to sit with him.

“You should put more sunscreen on your face.” She hands him the can. “I just reapplied.”

“Thanks.” He spritzes it into his hands and works it into his skin. “Look, about before…I’m sorry we keep getting into these heated debates. I truly think you deserve better than Kyle, and it kills me to see you still so hurt and hung up.”

“I’m just…grieving the loss of the last three years still. I’m sorry for flipping out so much.”

“You get a pass while we’re stuck here. It’s not easy to keep your cool while you’re stranded.” He nudges her and she chuckles. “Can we just call a truce for the time being?”

“Yeah, definitely.” She smiles at him. “What do you say we go with that beach vacation idea of yours, and build some sand castles?”

“Oh, that sounds like fun.”

The two get to work on building sand castles, and laughing when they knocked them over afterwards. It was good to exert a little energy so that they could sleep that night. Just like the night before, Harry cuddled Nikki with his bare chest pressed to her covered back. They didn’t get any updates from Dan that day other than an iMessage that things were still a go for a rescue plane to come in a couple of days.

Harry woke up in the middle of the night feeling cold. When he reached for Nikki, she’s not there. He sits up in a panic. He hasn’t really panicked yet since he woke up the other day because she told him to stay calm. Without her, he wasn’t sure how to stay calm in such a stressful situation. Yes, they knew people were coming for them, but it was still their job to survive on this unknown beach. His breathing slows when he sees her laying closer to the fire, staring up at the stars. He gets up, without grabbing his shirt to put back on, and goes to lay next to her.

“Nearly gave me a heart attack.” He says, turning his head in her direction.

“Sorry, I woke up and couldn’t fall back asleep. I didn’t mean to wake you.”

“It’s alright…just got a little cold is all.” She hums her response without looking at him. “Are you looking at the constellations?”

“Not necessarily.” She sighs. “The only time I’ve ever seen the sky this dark, like, without light pollution, was when I was twenty-one. I got to go to Israel for a birthright trip with my older sister. We camped out in the desert. We all stood in this big circle and preyed and reflected on where we were. I had never seen so many stars.” She turns to look at him now. “I was so overwhelmed that I cried. It was so beautiful.” She looks back up at the night sky. “What you said earlier, about things happening for a reason…I think you’re right. Maybe it wasn’t a cruise that I needed to clear my head…maybe it was getting stranded out here with zero distractions. That’s all the cruise was, a big distraction, but now…being out here…my head’s never been more clear.” She takes a deep breath. “I think I’m done mourning that relationship. The good was good, but the bad was bad…we weren’t right for each other, and I think I’m starting to really see that now. I…I’ll never forgive him for hurting me the way he did, but I want him to be happy, and if that other woman makes him happy and can give him the things that I couldn’t, then, well, good for him.”

“That’s a very adult way of looking at things.” Harry smirks. “It’s amazing what a little unplugging can do for people? A lot of the time I tell my patients to think of a calm, happy place when I have them close their eyes. Nine times out of ten guess what they say their happy place is?”

“Where?”

“The beach. And not at a resort or anything fancy, they just see soft sand, warm water, and a place for them to just sit and breathe for a while. It’s good you were able to come to those conclusions on your own, Nikki.”

“You helped me get there.” She looks at him with a smile. “Guess I respond better to tough love than anything else.”

“You know, I don’t think I’ve ever seen this many stars either, it’s beautiful.”

“Yeah, it is.” She sighs. Her lips start to quiver, and she sits up.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” Harry sits up as well and gently rubs her back as she starts to cry. “You know, other than the fact that we’re stuck on an underdeveloped area of Cuba.”

Nikki chokes out a laugh, and turns to look at him.

“It’s just…I’m so lonely, Harry.” She sniffles as more tears pour from her eyes. “I love my job, and I know I have this tough exterior, but…it’s so fucking hard to meet people in my line of work. I feel like I just latched on to Kyle…and when we ended things I was like what the fuck am I gonna do now, you know?”

“You’ve got Alex…and your partner, Dan…”

“As close as I am with him, I’d never date my partner. Things get too complicated that way. Alex is my best friend, she’s not someone I can be in a relationship with. And I can’t…talk to her about everything. With Kyle, like, he understood where I was coming from sometimes with my cases.”

“You know you can always talk to me. I was sort of…sad that we lost touch when you and Kyle broke up.”

“I hated you by association.”

“Clearly.” He keeps his arm securely around her shoulders. “You and I aren’t so different, Nik. And…sometimes I need someone to talk to too. I listen and help with such heavy shit all day, it’s hard to shake it off and pretend like everything’s normal. I’d like for us to be friends again.”

“I’d like that too.” She wipes her tears and gives him a soft smile. “I’ve missed hanging out with you, you were always so much fun when we’d go grab drinks.”

“Wish we had some booze here. It would certainly take the edge off.”

“Wait!” She stands up. “I think I have a few nips in my bag! I didn’t say anything before because I didn’t want us to get dehydrated while we were out in the sun. Hold on.” Nikki quickly goes over to her bag and pulls out two nips, and then goes back over to Harry. “Grapefruit vodka, it’s really good.”

“Anything sounds good right now, honestly.”

They clink the little plastic bottles, open them, and down them. Normally something of this size wouldn’t have an effect on either of them, it was just a double shot. However, with little food over the last couple of days, the alcohol went straight to their heads.

“I don’t know why people hate on grapefruit so much. It’s sweet and it’s got a kick.” Harry says.

“It’s the vodka.” Nikki says. “Vodka makes everything better.”

“Scientifically speaking, it doesn’t. It’s a depressant, and a poison, so technically-“ In an instant Nikki was straddling Harry and putting a hand over his mouth.

“Hey, shrinky-dink, shut up, yeah?” He nods his head yes. “Good.” She gets off of him and sighs as she lays back into the sand.

“Did you ever own shrinky dinks?” He asks, hugging his knees to his chest.

“What?”

“You know, those little plastic things you’d bake in the toaster, and then they’d harden into these little keychain things.”

“Oh my god! I remember the commercials for those! I always it, but my parents never bought stuff off infomercials.”

“We saw it in the store one day. I whined until my mum threw the box in the cart. Even though she was mad at me for behaving poorly, we had a blast making them together.” A few tears come to his eyes. “The first thing I’m gonna do when we get back is call her. She’s probably worried sick.” He wipes under his eyes.

“You know what I’m gonna do?”

“What?”

“Get a Big Mac from McDonald’s.” She looks up at him and they both start laughing. “Yup, gonna stuff my fucking face. Might sue the cruise company too, just to see if I can make a cool million and never have to work another day in my life.”

“Now that’s a brilliant idea. Might have to join in on that. Might just offer us a settlement so we don’t have to go through the whole court process.”

“That would be too easy. They’d say something like, ‘the hurricane was just as much of a surprise to us. We put on sirens’.” She scoffs.

“I think the sirens are the last thing I remember hearing before you woke me up. Can’t believe I only have a few scrapes and bruises.”

“I know, we’re lucky the ropes from the raft didn’t get stuck around our necks.” She sits up.

“Extremely lucky…in all sorts of ways.” He puts his hand overs and gives it a squeeze. “Come on, we should try to get back to sleep. We need to look for more wood tomorrow for the fire.”

“Yeah, alright.” She sighs and they both stand up. They head back over to the shelter and lay down. “Do you think…would it be alright if I just rest my head on your chest?”

“Sure, makes no difference to me.”

She gets comfortable, resting her head on his bare pec, her arm string across his stomach, and a leg over one of his. He puts his arm around her, keeping her close. They don’t say anything else to each other, they both just drift off, succumbing to sleep.

//

“God, I feel disgusting.” Nikki groans the next morning. “I wish I had a razor in here.” She mutters as she rummages through her bag.

“You’re telling me, I usually like a clean shave because my facial hair grows in all patchy.”

“Actually, a little scruff suits you.” She says without looking at him. “I wouldn’t want you with a full beard, but just a little something looks nice.”

“Nikki.” Harry chuckles. “You don’t want me at all.” Her head whips in his direction and he blushes.

“What is that supposed to mean?” She raises an eyebrow at him.

“N-nothing.” He clears his throat. “Uh, why do you think you need a razor anyways?”

“Because my pit hair is starting to grow out, and when it grows out I sweat more, and if I sweat more I’ll stink more.” She says in a quick breath. “Also, my leg hair is starting to get prickly, and I have sensitive skin so it itches like crazy.”

“You could try rubbing your legs with some of the mud and salt water…that might help.”

“Nah, it’s okay.” She sighs. “Think I’m just gonna go for a swim and clean up that way. You know how I said I was going to get a Big Mac?” Harry nods yes. “That’s now the second thing I’m going to do.”

“What’s the first?”

“Shower, in fact, washing my hair is the first on the list.” She takes out of the elastic and shakes it out. “it’s all greasy, but the salt water’s been good for it, I think.” She peels off her shirt and wiggles out of her shorts before walking down to the water.

Harry hadn’t been able to relieve himself in almost a week, and it was really starting to get to him. It especially wasn’t easy because he was around someone like Nikki. Harry always thought she was beautiful, and he thought Kyle was the luckiest bastard for scooping her up. When he saw her come into the suite that morning, he hid how overjoyed he felt. He hated fighting with her, but he was grateful for any interaction he was having with her. He missed her. In all honesty, his plan was to reach out to her another month or so from now, reconnect, tell her how he felt about her…how he really felt about her. It took him nearly a year to figure out why he liked being her friend so much, and why he was so happy for Kyle. It was because he liked Nikki…as more than a friend. But he wasn’t the type of guy to make a move on his best friend’s girl. He wanted to throttle Kyle. Harry truly had no idea he was treating on Nikki. He would have knocked him off his ass and gotten him to either stop, or just break up with Nikki before anyone had to get hurt.

He decides to get up and join her for a swim. He takes his shorts off and goes down to the water in his boxers. He dives in to submerge his body, it was incredibly refreshing. He stands up so he’s only about calf deep. They both agreed not to go too far in because there could be sharks or other predators.

“Think I’m about done with this underwear.” She says to him. “Might go commando for the rest of the time we’re here.”

“You could walk around naked for all I care.” He smirks, and she splashes him. “Oi, I was kidding!”

“Mhm, sure.” She rolls here eyes. “I’m gonna go dry off, and then we can look for more wood.”

“Okay.” He nods and watches her walk out of the water.

They’re able to find more wood later on to keep the fire going. They split a granola bar, and they both sigh once it’s gone. The sun was setting, and Nikki couldn’t help but take a picture of how beautiful it was. Just when she was going to put it down, Dan calls her.

“Hey, Dan.”

“Hey! Great news, I’ll be on the rescue plane first thing in the morning. How are you two holding up?”

“We’re…okay. Mostly just hungry. Bring lots of food.”

“I’ll try. The medic may not want to overwhelm your stomachs. We’re gonna bring you both right to the hospital to get checked out. Your bills are going to be paid by the cruise ship company. If I were you I’d threaten to sue to get some money out of them. They’ve been able to keep this story under wraps and I’m sure they’d like to keep it that way.”

“Okay. I have a flare gun, what time should I set it off so you can find us?”

“Try for around 7AM, we should be close by then.”

“Sounds good, thank you.” She hangs up and looks at Harry. “They’re coming for us bright and early.” She nearly squeals.

“That’s incredible news.” He sighs with relief. “Think we could eat some more food?”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea. It’s like, you know how the night before it snows you don’t do your homework, but you don’t end up getting a snow day so you’re fucked?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, I’d rather not eat the food just in case something happens.”

“Fair enough.” He shrugs. “Think I’m just bored anyways.” She sits down next to him.

“Me too. We’ve already played twenty questions, never have I ever…I think if we play another game I’ll go bananas.”

“We could have ourselves a wank.”

“Very funny.”

“M’serious, Nik.” He looks at her. “I think I’ll go bananas if I don’t come soon.”

“Harry, it’s only been a few days…”

“Yeah, but I haven’t done anything in over a week because I thought it would be disrespectful while we were sharing a room on the boat.”

“Alright, so go behind a tree and jerk it.” She shrugs.

“Yeah, I could do that…or…”

“Harry Styles.” She gasps, a smile growing on her face. “Are you seriously suggesting that I stick my hand down your sandy pants, and give you a hand job?”

“I’d be getting you off at the same time so-“

“Are you kidding?! I’m all stubbly down there, and I probably smell disgusting, and-“

Just as she had done to him the night before, he was pinning her down and putt his hand over her mouth.

“Nikki, if you really don’t want to, I’ll drop it and go behind a bush and handle things myself, but I have no problem with a little bit of hair, and I’m just offering to finger you, my face doesn’t need to go anywhere near you if you don’t want it to.” He lifts his hand away from her mouth, but continues to hover over her.

“It’s just…we’re friends.”

“Friends help each other out, don’t they?” She nods her head yes. “Do you want to? Don’t let me pressure you.”

“I…I want to, I mean…getting off doesn’t sound terrible. And it could be a good time killer.”

“Right.” He smirks and moves to lay on the ground next to her. She rolls onto her side and so does he. “Can I…touch your chest?”

“Yeah, I’ll take my bra off, but I’m leaving my shirt on. I just…I feel gross, you know?”

“Whatever makes you more comfortable.” Once she’s situated, she unbuttons her shorts. “I went commando today…put my underwear in the fire.”

Harry nods and undoes his shorts. He was a little nervous.

“Can I kiss you?”

“No.”

“We’ve been brushing our teeth, what’s the big deal?”

“Kissing would make it more intimate, Harry. I don’t want this to be some big, emotional thing.”

He furrows his brows, but chooses not to speak. Instead, he reaches his hand inside her shorts and starts to rub at her folds. Her breath hitches, but she reaches him. Her hand slides inside his boxers and she starts to pump his hardening cock.

“You’re already hard.” She breathes. Their faces were only an inch or so apart.

“M’turned on.” He grunts as her thumb swipes over his tip. He feels her getting wet, and he drags it up to her clit. She bites her bottom lip and twists her hand around his cock. He slides his middle finger inside of her and her mouth falls open. “Fuck, you’re tight.”

“Haven’t done this in a while.” Her hips buck in his direction. “Feels nice. Use two.”

“Are you, ngh, sure?”

“Yes.”

He slides a second finger inside of her and uses his thumb on her clit, applying just enough pressure as he presses circles into it. A moan leaves her lips, and for the first time he was hearing because of something he was doing, and not through the walls of his old apartment. It just makes him work harder, curling his fingers up inside her.

“Fuck, that’s so good.” She mewls. “Don’t stop.”

He presses his forehead to hers and pinches his eyes closed. He was getting closer. His cock was slick with precoma, and she was pumping him perfectly.

“Shit, Nikki.” He moans, and it makes her own closed eyes pop open. She had never really heard a guy genuinely moan before, and she thought it was hot, really, really hot. His fingers were petting against her g-spot in just the right way. He opens his eyes and sees her already looking at him. “Is everything alright?”

“Y-yeah, just…say my name like that again.” Her hips were grinding against his hand. “I’m so fucking close.”

“Me too.” He pants. “Fuck, Nikki.” He moans again. He bites his bottom lip to ground himself.

“Oh my god, Harry!” She cries out as she comes around his fingers, and she feels warmth against her hand. He had also come to his release. He slowly takes his hand away, and she does the same. “Shit.” She breathes and sits up. “I, uh, I need to go pee, excuse me.”

He watches her grab some tissues, and she goes to her designated bathroom area. Harry lays back under the raft and tries to catch his breath. He could clean himself up later.

//

The next morning went by painfully slow. They were up at sunrise in anticipation of the plane coming for them. Nikki’s phone and hotspot had finally died. They made sure to put the fire out safely, and once 7AM hit Nikki shot the flare gun. About ten minutes after that a small plane flew over them, and a rope ladder was thrown out.

“It’s here, we’re saved!” Nikki exclaims, throwing her arms around Harry. He holds her tight for a moment. “I’ll climb up first, okay?”

Harry nods and watches as she starts moving up the ladder, her backpack slung on her back. He climbs up after her, and they’re both pulled inside. Nikki falls into Dan’s arms.

“Thought I was gonna have to go through getting a new partner.” He mutters into her hair. “I’m so happy you’re okay.”

“Me too.”

“How you holding up, Harry?” Dan asks him as the medic checks Harry over.

“I’m alright, I’m feeling really tired, though.”

“So am I.” Nikki says.

“Rest up, we’re headed to a good hospital in Florida.” Dan says, keeping Nikki close to him.

The next time Harry wakes up, he’s in a hospital bed, hooked up to an IV. Kyle was sitting by his side. Harry groans as he looks over at him.

“Hey, you’re awake!” Kyle says. “I flew down here as soon as they called me, man. They said you were severely dehydrated, and you had way too much sun, even with all the sunscreen you guys were using. They want to keep you overnight for a psychological evaluation.”

“Makes sense.” Harry sighs. “We’re bound to have some shared trauma, nightmares, remembering certain parts of being thrown off a fucking cruise ship, you know, normal stuff.”

“I haven’t been able to see her yet. I guess Dan’s been in with her, trying to get more info on what happened.”

“Is she awake?”

“I think so…I’ve walked by her room a few times. Did, uh, did anything happen between you two out there?”

“Right, because being stranded is super romantic.” Harry rolls his eyes.

“M’serious, man, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know how you feel about her. The way you’d look at her sometimes…I could see it.”

“Nothing happened.” Harry swallows. “We were out there as friends, and we came back as friends.” Harry sits up a bit. “Is your girlfriend here?”

“No, she’s back at home. She was, uh, very understanding of me wanting to come down here and make sure you both we alright.” Harry nods at that. “If…if something did happen, like, if the next person she ends up being with is you…well, I’d be alright with that.”

“Oh, well, thank god for that. I was really worried about how you’d feel about her moving on.” The sarcasm wasn’t lost on Kyle. “You really fucked her up, you know that? She’s not going to be happy to see you.”

“I know what I did was wrong, but I still care about her wellbeing. I’m gonna go check if I can see her now.” He squeezes Harry’s shoulder. “I’m glad you’re okay.”

Kyle stands up and goes down the hall to Nikki’s room. Dan was no longer sitting in there, so he figured it was now or never. He knocks on the door, and she sits up when she sees him.

“Kyle?”

“Hey.” He comes in cautiously. “When Dan called me…I got down to Florida as soon as I could.”

“Yeah? Where’s Claudia?”

“Back home…how are you feeling?”

“I’m okay.” Nikki sighs. “I’m not roughed up or anything, I guess we were really dehydrated, though. Must have been from all the sun because I had my water purifier…must not work as well with really salty water.”

“I was really worried about you, Nik.” Kyle starts sniffling as tears come to his eyes. “I would have never forgiven myself if you died and the last words you said to me were that you hated me.” He takes her hand in his. “I miss you so much. I hope…I hope we can find a way to be friends.”

“You can’t be serious.” She scoffs and takes her hand away. “You come here, make things about you, and then ask me to be your friend? You cheated on me for six months, Kyle, six months! And you still had the nerve to propose to me! You broke me in so many ways, and I’ve finally been able to put myself back together. Getting stuck out there was almost a blessing. It gave me a lot of the clarity that I needed.”

“I didn’t think you’d still go on the cruise…if I had, I never would have sold Harry the ticket. You must’ve been so mad when you saw him.”

“I was…but he was the perfect person to get stuck out there with.” She shrugs.

“Did anything happen between you two?” He chews on his bottom lip. “I saw him before you, and he said nothing happened, but…he’s a terrible liar. He said you went in as friends, and come out the same way, or something.”

“Well, he’s not wrong about that.” Nikki smirks. “You really wanna know what happened between us?” Kyle nods yes. “Too bad.”

“What?”

“You don’t have the right to know. I meant it when I said I hated you, Kyle. I do, I hate you. It was very nice of you to come down here and make sure we were both okay. I actually appreciate it, but I’ll never forgive you for what you did. Cheating…it’s just not something I can forgive.”

“Okay.” He nods. “Well…I…I really am glad you’re alright. Did they tell you when you’d be able to go home?”

“In a couple of days. They’re keeping us overnight, and then they’re sending in a shrink to evaluate us. Standard procedure.”

“If you need anything at all when you get home…any help suing the cruise ship company, please don’t hesitate to ask. I could help you pro bono.”

“My god, how selfless.” She rolls her eyes. “Go home to Claudia, Kyle.”

“Bye, Nikki.” He lingers for a moment, and then leaves. A few tears roll down her cheeks, but not because of him. She just…missed Harry and wanted to see how he was.

//

Nikki and Harry weren’t given much time together during their evaluations. They were each spoken to separately, and when they were brought into the same room, they had to speak to the psychologist directly. Nikki desperately wanted to reach out and hold his hand, but she wasn’t really given the chance. Harry was able to catch her in her room before they left the hospital. They were to go directly to the airport to head home.

“Hey.” He says to her.

“Hi.” She says as she zips up her bag. “I think I’m sitting with Dan on the plane.” She swallows.

“Right.” He runs a hand through his hair. “Um, listen, when we get home…don’t be afraid to talk to me. Like, if you have a nightmare or something, don’t be afraid to call. I won’t care what time it is.”

“That’s nice of you, thanks, but I’ll be alright. It’s no different than seeing some bad shit at a crime scene.”

“No, it’s not.” He sighs. “You might-“

“Harry, please.” She shakes her head as she grabs her bags. “I’m a big girl, I think I can handle what happened. It’s not like it was traumatic.” She scoffs.

“Yes it was, are you kidding me? A hurricane-“

“I was there, I know what happened.” She shakes her. “I appreciate you being so nice, but it happened, and it’s over now. Back to reality.”

What she said carried a lot of weight. She was coming down from her cloud, and she realized her and Harry needed to part ways here. Every time she looked at him, she saw Kyle, and she just couldn’t deal with that right now. Harry knew what she meant too. He was extremely disappointed. Even though he was the one that suggested they do what they did that night, he was feeling a lot of emotions about it, almost regret because he knew he’d never get another chance to feel her like that again.

//

“Captain, I swear I’m fine. I just want to get back to work.”

“I know you do, Reese, but you’ve been through a lot, and-“

“Sir, not to be disrespectful, but I disagree.”

“Nikki.” He sighs. “Take another week off, alright? Work will be waiting here until you get back. I’m happy to see you, but I’ll be happier once I know you’re home. It’s an order, Reese.”

She sighs, but does as he says. She couldn’t really argue with the captain of her precinct. She tells Dan she’ll be out for another week, and then heads home. She hadn’t spoken to Harry, but to be fair he hadn’t made an attempt to reach out to her. He wanted to give her some space, and let her come to him if she wanted to. By the third night she woke herself up screaming and in a cold sweat, she knew she had a problem. She kept having flashes of being dragged under water and not being able to breathe. She finally worked up the nerve to call him…at 3AM.

“Nikki?”

She could tell she had woken him up, but it felt so good to hear his voice.

“Hi.”

“Are you alright, love?”

“No.” She swallows. “No, I keep having nightmares.”

“So do I.” He sighs. “Do you want me to swing by?”

“No, that’s okay…I kinda just wanted to hear your voice. I’m sorry if that’s weird.”

“It’s not…it’s nice to hear yours too.”

“I’m sorry I haven’t reached out until now. I feel like I’ve been trying to pretend nothing happened.”

“A lot of people try to cope that way, but repressing shit isn’t healthy, Nik.”

“So I’ve come to realize. It’s crazy, like, I work with all of these victims, and I’ve never really understood how they couldn’t remember certain things, but I get it now.”

“Trauma’s funny like that.” He says softly. “Have you been back to work?”

“I tried, but my captain told me to take another week off. What about you?”

“I’m doing the same. I’m too distracted to properly help my patients. They’ve been very understanding.”

“That’s good.” She chews her bottom lip. “So, you’ll be home tomorrow?”

“Yeah.”

“Maybe I could come by in the afternoon? It would be nice to talk…maybe we’ve been having the same nightmares. I keep waking up screaming and sweaty.”

“Are you dreaming about being dragged under the water?”

“Yeah…”

“So have I.” He sighs. “Come over around two tomorrow, yeah? I’ll text you my new address.”

“Okay, that sounds good, thanks, Harry.”

“Don’t mention it.”

“Well…I’ll let you get back to sleep now. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“See you tomorrow, Nik.”

//

Nikki knocked on Harry’s door promptly at 2PM. She was just in a simple quarter zip and jeans, along with her hair up in a messy bun. Harry opens the door wearing a tee shirt and joggers.

“Hi.” He says.

“Hi.” She says.

He steps aside to let her in. They look at each other for a moment, it looks like they’re both about to speak, but they both close their mouths. There was so much to be said, but neither were sure how to articulate it. Her eyes well up with tears, and she rushes towards him, throwing her arms around his neck, crashing her lips to his. He wastes no time wrapping his arms around her, and returning the kiss. Even though her mouth was preoccupied, kissing him made her feel like she could breathe for the first time in days.

“I missed you.” She says, pressing her head into his chest.

“I missed you too.” He rests his chin on the top of her head.

“I’m sorry if that was weird, I just-“

He cups her cheeks so she’ll look up at him. He gives her a soft smile.

“Nikki, I’ve wanted to kiss you for a long time.”

“Really?”

“Yeah…I was pretty jealous of Kyle for a while. I’ve always thought you were wonderful. Feel like we have a lot in common.”

“We do.” She agrees.

“We don’t have to rush into anything…I’d rather us work on ways to not have nightmares and such, but…if you’d be willing to give it a try, I’d love to take you out sometime.”

“You wouldn’t feel weird…about Kyle?”

“No.” He shakes his head. “I…I don’t think he’s really someone I want around anymore. I’d rather have you around.” He kisses her tenderly, sucking on her bottom lip for just a moment. “I really fucking like you.”

“I can see that.” She swallows. “I think…I think we could have a lot of fun together.” A smirk grows on her lips. “Just don’t become my therapist, or I’ll beat the shit out of you.”

“Is that a threat or a promise.” He smirks, nuzzling his nose to hers. “Wouldn’t mind seeing how you use your handcuffs.”

“Remember when I called you a moron?” She chuckles. “I meant it.” She shoves him.

“I was kidding, relax.”

“Mhm, sure.” She rolls her eyes.

“Do you want some tea? We could sit and chat. I’ve been trying to record the dreams I’ve been having in a journal. I have my patients do it, so I figured I’d take my own advice.” He leads her into his kitchen and has her sit. “I keep having the same one: drowning.”

“I have that one, and then I have one where…where I wasn’t able to hold onto you.” She frowns as he gets his kettle going. “You know…I had less night terrors sleeping on that beach with you than I have in a long time.”

“Can I ask…would Kyle hold you at night?” Harry sets a mug in front of her before he sits down.

“Um, usually when I’d first fall asleep he’d spoon me for a bit, but he’s not a cuddly sleeper, and he’d eventually roll over. We didn’t spend a lot of nights together because I’d usually wake him up by accident. What does any of that matter?”

“I held you all night while we were on the beach.” He puckers his lips in thought. “Do you have a weighted blanket?”

“No.”

“Do me a favor, get one. You may need the extra weight at night to keep you calm. They work wonders, I have one myself, and a body pillow. I’m a cuddly sleeper.”

“I’ll, um, I’ll look into that.” She takes a careful sip of her tea. “How can I get them stop? The nightmares.”

“Well, talking about it usually helps, and doing things like getting a weighted blanket can help. I think you’ve repressed a lot, Nikki…you need to talk about the things you see and feel.”

“It’s not that simple, Harry.” She sighs. “If anyone at work found out I was seeing a therapist-“

“If it’s that big of a deal…then don’t tell them.”

“Things have a way of getting out.”

“Then…just say you’re seeing me.”

“That’s not fair, though.”

“Nikki.” Harry sighs and places his hand on top of hers. “I’m not offering to be your therapist, I’m just offering to be someone that you can come to if you need to talk about something. M’a really good listener.” He smiles.

“I know you are…thank you. I just don’t want to come to you, and dump on you when people pay you to do that all day. Why should I burden you with my problems?”

“Oh, darling.” He raises her hand to his lips and kisses it. “Nothing about you is a burden. Tons of people feel that way, and that’s why they don’t want to talk to anyone, but once you get talking it just gets easier and easier. I always liked when you’d tell work stories…you could just tell me about the not so great stuff when it’s feeling really heavy.”

“So, if I come to you and say I just spent the day searching for a kid, and we found their dead body in the trunk of a car, you’d be okay with that?”

“Probably wouldn’t wanna chat about it over dinner, but sure.” He shrugs. “Nikki, I told you, I see people who have been through shit, victims and survivors, that stuff doesn’t scare me.”

“I may not open up right away.”

“That’s alright, we don’t always have to talk about the heavy stuff.” He smiles.

“What if I don’t wanna talk at all?” She mutters.

“Well, I don’t know if you remember what happened between us that one night on the beach, but I’m pretty good at not talking too.” He smirks.

“You know, if I had known you had liked me for a while, I wouldn’t have been such a jerk about kissing and stuff that night.”

“I was too blissed out with your hand wrapped around my prick to really care.”

Nikki licks her lips and swallows, looking at his lips briefly.

“You know what would be great?”

“What?”

“A tour of your apartment.”

“How rude of me to not offer when you first came in.” He stands up and extends his hand. She takes it, and lets him lead her around. He shows her the art on the walls, and the various books in his home office.

“Do you ever see patients here?” She asks as she sits down in one of his comfy chairs.

“God, no.” He shakes his head, leaning his bum on his desk. “Sometimes patients can grow certain attachments to their therapists, it’s better for them to not know where I live.”

“Right, because you’re the hot Dr. Styles.” She smirks. “Same thing happens to me sometimes. I’m usually the one they send in undercover to seduce some sick fuck.”

“That’s because you’re incredibly skilled and talented at what you do, Detective Reese.” Nikki stands up and wraps her arms around his neck. “You’re also insanely gorgeous, but that’s besides the point.” He kisses her nose. “Would you like to stay for dinner and watch a movie?”

“Yeah, I would.”

//

Five months later…

“Dan…what is this?” Nikki points to the plant Dan plopped down on her desk.

“It’s a bonsai tree, they’re super easy to take care of. Consider it your first house warming gift.” He beams at her.

“Aw, you old softie, thank you.” She gives him a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

“Allie can’t wait for our next game night, by the way. She was thinking we could have you two over to play Clue once you’re all moved in.”

“Yeah! That sounds great. Oh! I wrote down that recipe for that dessert I made for her.” She grabs an envelope from her desk. “That cookies and cream pudding pie.”

“God, thanks.” Dan takes the envelope. “She’s been dying to make it, but she wants to make it the way you did so she can start selling it at the bakery and call it ‘The Nikki’.” He chuckles.

“She’s too sweet, honestly. If you don’t put a ring on it, I will.”

Things had been going really well for Nikki. Thanks to Harry, she had gotten better about opening up about things. It was so slow going at first, but eventually she got to talking, and it helped her be a better detective. Being Harry’s girlfriend was amazing. It didn’t take much for her to fall head over heels in love with him. And there was no denying that he was gaga over her. That’s why after just five months of dating, they were moving into their very own town home together. It didn’t feel fast to either of them because they had known each other for years, and they slept at each other’s places all the time as it was. It just made sense to move in together. They were in love, and were a great pair. Alex had even gotten used to it, and Harry set her up with one of his friends, Ben. Their friends helped them move, and Nikki put her new bonsai tree in her kitchen bay window. Everyone left after having some pizza and beer.

“Can you believe this is all ours?” He says into her ear as he wraps his arms around her from behind.

“No.” She giggles as he nibbles on her earlobe. “But I’m really happy.”

“Me too.” He hums. He sponges kisses to her neck and sinks his teeth into her skin.

“Harry.” She whines. “We need to unpack.”

“Don’t wanna.” He mumbles into her skin.

“Can we at least do the kitchen and the upstairs bathroom? You know, the, um, essentials.” She swallows. Harry was often very affectionate with her, and she liked it. She really, really liked it.  

“Fine.” He turns her around. “But when we’re done with the kitchen and the upstairs bathroom, we’re doing the bedroom.”

“Seems fair to me.” She pecks his lips.

The two work in tandem to put their essentials away. It was actually fun to organize the cabinets together. Next, they go upstairs to work on their bathroom. Actually, Harry handles the bathroom while Nikki gets some fresh sheets on their new king sized bed.

“Bathroom’s all set.” Harry says.

“I just got the foam topper and the fitted sheet on the bed, I just have to – ah!”

Harry had grabbed her and thrown her onto the bed. She squeals as he launches himself onto it, almost crushing her in the process.

“Making the bed fully would be a waste of energy.” He says into her ear as he pins her wrists down. He sucks on her supple bottom lip, and lets it go, causing her to whimper. “Don’t you think?” She nods her head yes. “Just wanna fuck my new live-in girlfriend, can I?”

“Please.” She breathes. “Need you to take care of me.” She pouts at him.

“Aw, my angel-baby-detective needs some lovin’?” He pouts back at her.

“Uh-huh.”

He grins at her and has them both sit up. He peels off her tee shirt, and lifts off her sports bra. He gropes her breasts before kissing on them. He sucks bruise after bruise into her plushy skin. He pulls her into his lap so she can grind on him while he paid attention to her breasts. She liked it when Harry left marks on her like this. She liked being his. He lays her down onto her back. He kisses down her torso, nipping where he pleases. He loved kissing on her pudgier areas because he wanted to show how much he loved every inch of her. She did the same with his love handles. He drags her yoga pants and underwear off, and tosses them to the floor.

“Look at you, so wet already.” He says as he pulls her thighs apart.

“You were already making me feel so good, Har.”

He hums his response as he laps his tongue around her center. He moans once he gets a proper taste of her. He licks his way up to her clit and sucks on it while he works two fingers inside of her. She grabs at his hair and tugs on it while her body starts to tingle.

“Fuck, just like that.” She mewls while raising her hips to meet his mouth more. She comes to her release, and she tugs him up to her. She licks into his mouth and sucks on his tongue. “Get naked, now.” She nearly growls.

Harry grins and gets his clothes off. He sits up against the headboard and waits for Nikki to swing her leg over his lap. She lines him up with her center, rubbing his tip along her clit before sinking down onto him. They both moan out, and he grabs at her hips to help her find a rhythm. She puts her hands on his shoulders and starts bouncing up and down on his cock.

“God, I love you so much.” He grunts.

“I love you too.” She kisses him and runs her hands through his hair. “Don’t know I ever survived without having your big dick inside me, fuck.”

“Yeah? M’making you feel good, baby?”

“So fucking good.” She pants. “Best I’ve ever fucking had.”

She comes again, and with the way she clenches around him he nearly loses it inside of her. He lifts her off just in time and comes on her stomach. He kisses her over and over, and they both giggle. Once they’re both cleaned up, Harry helps Nikki get the bed made, and they both climb in. She rests her head on his stomach while he reads his book.

“Harry?” She looks up at him. “Could you out your book down for a second? I have something to tell you.”

“Sure, sweetie.” He dog-ears the page he’s on and sets his book down. “What’s up? Oh, is this about me buying the Hamilton Beach food processor instead of the Cuisine Art one like you wanted?”

“No.” She chuckles.

“Are you sure? Because you cried when I brought it home. I swear, the Hamilton Beach one had better reviews, that’s the only reason why I got it.”

“I cried because I was hormonal.” She chews her bottom lip. “Harry, I’m pregnant.”

“But I came on your stomach.” He blinks, and then looks down at her.

“Yeah, tonight you did.” She sits up so she can look at him better. She kisses his shoulder and then smiles at him. “My period was late, so I took a test just for the hell of it…I’m six weeks.” She grabs her phone off the side table. “I even took a selfie with it to show you.”

“Oh my god, you’re not kidding.” He looks at the picture and then at her. “How long have you known for?”

“Only a week. I wanted to wait until the move was over to tell you. How, um, how do you feel about this? We haven’t really talked about kids or anything.”

“I know.” He hands her back her phone and throws his arm around her. “I mean, I fully intended on proposing and all that, just not for another few months. I wanted to see how living together went.” He smiles down at her. “And I was hoping you’d want kids at some point…think you’d make a great mum. I’ve seen you with kids, you’re amazing.” He kisses her temple and starts laughing. “I can’t believe I’m gonna be a father.” He shakes his head. “Thanks, Nikki!”

“You’re such a dork.” She chuckles. “You’re really not mad, or upset?”

“How could I be? I’m living with the girl I never thought I’d even get the chance to kiss, and now she’s pregnant with my baby. I’m ecstatic.” He pecks her lips. “How are you feeling about all of it?”

“I’m…actually pretty excited. I mean…I went off birth control months ago for this very reason. I didn’t think it would happen quite this fast, but this is a pretty happy accident.”

“I wonder what we were doing six weeks ago.”

“What does it matter?”

“I’d just like to know how our little fetus got conceived.”

“I, um, think it was the night, you, uh, let me lick the whip cream off you on your desk.” She swallows.

“Oh, yeah! Blew my load right up into you, didn’t I?” He smirks. “We should do that again, it was a great sensory exercise.”

“Harry!” She smacks his chest.

“You’re really okay with all this, Nik? It’s your body.” He caresses her cheek and she leans into his warm palm.

“I’m more than okay with it. Just don’t rush an engagement or anything like that, okay? I wanna marry you at some point too…but…not just because I’m pregnant.”

“So…if like four months from now I had a long weekend for us planned to go apple picking up north, and while we were settling down in the evening getting cozy in front of a fire place…you wouldn’t want me to propose?”

“You know, I hear being pregnant can make you forget all kinds of things, so I can’t wait to be surprised four months from now when you suggest going away for a long weekend to go apple picking.” She beams at him. “I think I’d really like that.”

[the-velvet-worm]

We need to talk about Mai.

The Avatar: The Last Airbender fandom is one that’s seen better days, that’s for sure. Even in its better days, it was full of ship wars and shit takes. It’s always been like that, despite how near-perfect the show is, and that’s nothing that can be helped. We all consume media differently, and that’s what makes so many movies and TV shows so great. Differing opinions are what create discussion and debate, and we should almost always at least entertain them to help get a better understanding of the thoughts and opinions of others. So… let’s dive into one of my most unpopular opinions.

Mai. We all know her as the knife-wielding goth girl, friend to Azula and girlfriend to Zuko. Many have come to the false conclusion that she’s all surface and no substance, that she never cared enough for Zuko, that she was too passive and uncaring and didn’t cater enough to the emotions of the people around her. She turned on Azula to save Zuko, and Ty Lee turned on Azula to save Mai. It’s one of (in my opinion, at least) the most badass and iconic moments of the show. Mai stealthily pinning down all the prison guards without spilling a single drop of blood, buying Zuko, Sokka, Suki and co. just enough time to escape the Boiling Rock is one of the best action scenes in all of ATLA, that much isn’t up for debate. But it’s also one of the most profound and selfless acts of love in the entire series. Zuko, whose mother poisoned his grandfather to save his life, who betrayed his uncle just as he was going to make a major heel turn as a person, was saved by a girl he broke up with… in a letter. I’ll get into the letter later. But for now, I want to unpack Mai’s sacrifice.

She knew exactly what she would be facing by saving Zuko. Azula was right there. And Mai still did it. She resigned herself to the fact that she would have to face Azula’s fury — and her lightning. Mai’s only defense? Her knives. It was a test of speed and precision. Or at least, it would’ve been, if Ty Lee hadn’t stepped between them and taken Azula down. The important part was that Mai was willing to die to save Zuko’s life. “I love Zuko more than I fear you,” is one of the most powerful lines of dialogue I’ve ever heard in my life. It confirmed two things: Mai loves Zuko (which she said with her actions as much if not more than her words) and Mai has only been friends with Azula as long as she has because she actually feared what Azula would do to her otherwise. It was never any secret who had the true power in the Fire Nation royal family — Mai knew that better than most. And still, even after Zuko ditched her in the middle of an invasion, she would’ve traded her life for his without a second thought.

Which leads me to my next point — the letter. Mai read a portion of it out loud. We saw Zuko write it just a few episodes prior. We know from context and dialogue that he didn’t want to leave her, he tells Sokka as much on their way to the Boiling Rock. In Zuko’s mind, he left Mai behind to protect her. But flipping it and looking at it from Mai’s perspective is so key to understanding why she was so hurt. This wasn’t just a case of a jerk boyfriend breaking up with his girlfriend through a text message. This was two traumatized teenagers who fell in love despite all odds, who were separated for three years, and were finally reunited… just for him to leave again. The first time Zuko left, he didn’t have a choice, as we all know. That’s fair. The second time? He did have a choice. He made the right choice. He knew it. We as the audience know it. But who didn’t know it was Mai — she expresses as much. She doubts herself and her relationship with Zuko because of it. She more or less infers that she feels their relationship has been built on a lie — and in truth, it partially has been. Zuko withheld information from her and withheld his feelings. Remember ‘The Beach’, toward the beginning of book 3? That episode where Mai and Zuko (and Azula and Ty Lee) all addressed their childhood trauma and finally began to be able to work through it? Mai didn’t shut down Zuko’s feelings — she actively encouraged him to share with her how he was feeling. In the same scene, Zuko claimed Mai didn’t care about anything, and at the end of the episode, she affirmed that although she had difficulty expressing her true emotions, she did care about Zuko. And I think it says a whole lot about her that even after having her heart broken by him, after opening up to him and offering a safe place for him and getting hurt as a result of that, she still couldn’t let him die.

What I’m getting at is… would a girl who REALLY didn’t care do that? I see a lot of people claim she didn’t listen to Zuko… when was that? In ‘Nightmares and Daydreams’, when she constantly tried to affirm him, comfort him, reassure him, and was met with silence? In ‘The Beach’ when he dumped all of his trauma on her and she sympathized with him but still held him accountable for his actions? She did nothing wrong in those instances. She was never in the wrong to demand decency from her boyfriend — he accused her of cheating because another man looked at her. In what world doesn’t she have a right to be upset about that?

Circling back to the first episode of book 3 — in a scene that many blow wildly out of proportion — Zuko is being his usual angsty self, having a moment of reflection and self-doubt. He’s afraid his father won’t accept him, that going home to the Fire Nation might be a mistake. It’s easy to forget that Mai wasn’t present for the death of Aang, so she has no idea what happened during that scene. She has no idea that Zuko wasn’t the one that killed Aang. She has no idea what Zuko’s been doing in the three years he’s been gone. So… in her head, she assumes Zuko’s just being his usual dramatic self, and makes a joke about not wanting to know his life story to put his mind at ease and assure him that his worries were misplaced. She wanted the same thing she thought Zuko wanted (and I say thought because, well… he never told her what he really wanted because *he* didn’t even know) and encouraged him to strive toward that. She waited for him for hours outside the war chamber in ‘Nightmares and Daydreams’, and when the meeting finally ended and he came back out, she enthusiastically congratulates him on it, she’s happy for him because with her limited knowledge of what’s actually going on in her boyfriend’s head, this is what he wants. Earlier in the same episode, he’s lamenting about not being invited, and then decides the meeting is dumb and he doesn’t want to go to it. And she agrees with him, again, simply just trying to affirm him and make him feel better. She supports him in all things — all things that she can to the best of her understanding of the things.

At the end of it all, communication is a two-way street — Zuko was shitty at expressing himself and so was Mai. That was something they both needed to work on separately in order to be able to come back together. Their separate and individual personal growth does not hinge on their relationship. Mai was not Zuko’s therapist, nor should she have been. She tried to be supportive and be there for him in the only ways she knew how with her very limited (but expanding) sense of sympathy. Mai was a person who never let herself care, at least not outwardly, lest she get her feelings hurt in the process. She did open up to Zuko, and encouraged him to do the same with her, offered him support, unconditional love, and a safe place, and he needed to do some growing away from her, and that’s fine. He should’ve communicated that to her a little better, and she should’ve tried to be more understanding from the start, but they’re still just teenagers. I don’t know many teenagers who can take what they know they are capable of emotionally handling and applying it to their interpersonal relationships as well as Mai does. I was a hell of a lot farther behind in my own emotional development than Mai was at 15.

[dontcallmecarrie]

latest installment of this mess of a thought exercise-turned-AU:

.

There were a lot of things this antithesis of a vacation had stuck everyone with, Ivan knew; he, for one, was going straight to his vodka stash once they got back to their own universe, and that wasn’t even mentioning what the others were going through. After all: while Victor von Doom was allergic to emotional anything, there was no denying a good chunk of his hyperfocus on getting home was in no small part thanks to seeing a world where the Latverian civil war had ended poorly. 

Oh, sure, he hid it well from his minions— because of course the man amassed a following within days if not hours of crash-landing another dimension, goddamn overachievers— but...Ivan knew him, Cabal as a whole knew his tells and that wasn’t mentioning that weird telepathy-thing he and Justin sometimes had going on and so they all knew he was Not Okay even though he pretended otherwise. 

...he wasn’t alone in that respect, thought. Winter had taken to some very introspective silences after his talks with Soldat, and Ivan didn’t have the whole picture there but he knew those two had seen some shit and this mess would’ve probably given any qualified therapist a field day. That wasn’t even mentioning the way Loki and his feral twin tiptoed around each other, and while Justin had tried for some semblance of privacy, everyone had heard his talk with his counterpart and now Ivan and the others had Questions.

But they could unpack that later, once they were out of this weird hellscape.

.

“Hey, Jus— I mean, Hammer,” Winter called over his shoulder, and they turned. 

“Yes?”

“Remember how you said you’d found intel that you wanted to share with me, once I felt ready?”

“What about it?”

Winter sighed, and jabbed a thumb at where Soldat was shifting his weight from one leg to another. “He wants to know.”

They blinked. “You do know that was just for our universe, there might’ve been other changes...”

“I want to know.” Soldat rasped out, clearly only having just gotten the courage to ask, and they nodded in acquiescence.

“Okay. This...is going to take a while, you want some tea while we talk about it? And— Winter, you want to hear this too, or do you want to—”

“I’ll check the perimeter.” Winter said before they could finish their sentence, and flitted away.

“Why—” Soldat frowned after him, and they sighed.

“People heal at their own pace, this aspect’s one where it seems the two of you differ. Well.” They shook their head. “Just as a heads up, if anything gets too much for you, let me know.”

Soldat gave a jerky nod even as he took the proffered mug, and they let out a slow breath.

 “Now, in my universe I’ve been trying to dig up what I could of the Winter Soldier’s past without making waves, and it’s been pretty hit or miss so sorry if I mess something up. Now, the earliest records I could find were from the fifties, but most of the stuff I found was from the sixties onward...”

.

“Is evading SHIELD really this easy?” Justin Hammer asked dubiously, and the man— Victor, apparently— smirked for a moment.

“It is for us. Messing with SHIELD is Ivan’s bread and butter, right after coming up with ideas for giving the Avengers headaches and compared to what I was doing during my country’s last war? This is nothing.”

The more haggard alien god looked at them both. “I still fail to see why you need to break into yet another facility through this means when you could just kill—”

“We don’t do collateral damage.” Victor immediately cut in, gaze suddenly flinty. “For something like this? If they can tell you were there, you failed step one as far as I’m concerned. Besides— I like the challenge. There’s no finesse to killing, orchestrating a break-in to steal the piece of equipment we need without leaving a trace is much more fun.”

“You have a very strange idea of fun.” Loki raised an eyebrow, and he snorted.

“You have no idea. Still less twisted than the psychological warfare your twin has going on with our world’s Avengers, though— pretty sure Stark’s got a permanent twitch every time he hears the start Caramelldansen now.”

.

“Okay, so you have your game plan for when we’re gone?” Hammer asked their counterpart. 

Justin frowned. “I mean, kinda hard to make ‘got kidnapped and held hostage’ sound even worse than it is.”

“I mean, sure, but we can get you way more leverage than that.” 

“...I’m listening.”

“Right— first off, what do you know about HYDRA?”