#today i miss my mom so so much
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#tw abuse#hi#im just lying down in the dark on a rainy day and need to vent here because I can’t get myself to journal#today i miss my mom so so much#I miss who she was before the drugs and alcoholism#she can be so nurturing and generous and kind when she’s not using#she couldn’t be the mother she was capable of being because of her addiction and severe mental health issues#I was emotionally and physically abused til I was 16 and the thing is#I don’t have hate or resentment for her#I only want the best for her#I just ache inside knowing that because she’s still in denial and addiction and we can’t have a relationship#I have no immediate family left and my extended family aren’t the nicest people#lately my ptsd has been triggered a lot and old trauma has been resurfaced#witnessing an incredible amount of domestic violence growing up still fucks with my head#it was so scarring#won’t get into details there but god it really did a number on me#the bottom line is I miss who my mom was before the alcohol and abuse#and more importantly#I miss myself#I miss laughing until I cried#I miss not running from everything#I miss letting myself feel#personal
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#a doodley#i had to make this blue so tumblr would stop hiding it from the dash#anyway no caption this happened 2 hrs ago#im happy abt my surgery but it and other things this year keep beinging conversations like these up#and i cant handle it at all.#everything my dad tells me just makes me feel worse and not bc its anything bad but bc I Feel Bad#like the conversation then continued to him being like no dont cry im just saying i wpuld have wanted to#quit my job decades ago and set aside money so I wouldnt be struggling as much now but that didnt happen#and i just dont want that to happen to you guys :)#so we have to support u so that your life is what u want it to be#and i cried even more bc what do u mean. thats so sad. ur a person and u were a child and baby once and ur gonna die#and you always almost cry when u talk about your mom who passed away decades ago#and your brothers that passed away#recently and im going to be your age and still sobbing bc i miss my dad. just like i have been prematurely crying about since i was 7#the other day my dad asked my mom if i cried a lot when i was a baby/kid and my mom said no and then my dad#said that when i Did cry it was so severe he thought i would ''drown in my own tears''#bc i could never stop. like. thats still true today. ive been crying on and off since then#i think i mentioned he's just been telling me stories about his life lately and it further fuels this. i get so sad. im sorry your life was#like this. i dont want to die i dont want you to die im sad im sorry im sorry#im scared. im never going to see you again. how horrible. how horrible#i cant enjoy my day today bc every day is a day closer and i get sad
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mi papa y mi mama
#i miss my parents so much please come back home the kids are fighting even though i just watched my mom stream today#im obssessed with this picture like the way dream's hand hovering george's back behind the sofa and leaning on him#inner possesive manner husband vibe telling people the next person is his wife#estoy loco#dnf
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paige either has cancer or is in advanced stages of heart failure. tomorrow they're gonna drain the fluid out of her abdomen, and her blood work will be back tomorrow so we can get a better idea if its one or the other. of course i knew this day would come, but it still hurts to be dealing with this.
#ive been sick and missed work mon and today and now i wish i sucked it up and went to work so i could take tomorrow off#but im gonna choose to look at it like i was taking care of me AND paige#anyway im dropping her off and then going right to work lets see if i can make it or not lol#also sucks that i am going to have to pay back my mom so much money now#i just wish i had the fucking money man#not that that would help paige#but whatever#haile talks#paige updates
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wishing everyone who celebrates a happy easter and an even happier transgender day of visibility 🐣🪩🫶🪽
#went to church with my mom for the first time in years just because we thought it could be fun (it was!) and im thinking about. themes#resurrection and rebirth belongs to trans and nonbinary people and if i was going to pray i would thank god for making me queer !!!#the middle picture is from a disco themed university party we had on (holy) thursday where i had So much fun#(the crucifix earring was Mostly ironic and for the aesthetic)#been experiencing a lot of queer joy lately. as well as some new and complicated but Good feelings about gender. and maybe religion as well#anyway.#easter#religion#gender#tdov#trans day of visibility#lgbtq#queer#mine#💛#religion mention#christianity mention#<- just in case people dont want to see anything to do with religion in the trans tags today (or ever) !! <3 sorry if i missed something#edit: i originally also had a quote from julian k. jarboe here about humanity partaking in the act of creation#but i didnt realize the quote was from a jewish person regarding judaism so i removed it from the association with easter and christianity#the quote itself slaps and idk to what degree different religions and discussions or art about them should be kept separated !!#but im not the authority on that and ofc dont want to make anyone uncomfortable !!
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Hello!! :D if you’re still taking art reqs for the drawing meme maybe 1A or 2A for Autumn Oak/Linda Stampler please?
THANK YOU!!! :]
YES this is how i know i've made it as a dndads fanartist - the rite of passage of receiving the autumn/linda request jsklfjdsl MILESTONE ACHIEVED!!!
i had to kinda fumble around my brain a bit to come up w/some designs so maybe theyll change!! who knows!!!
[send a pose prompt!]
#asks#lex-the-lesbian#dndads#autumn oak#linda stampler#cereal tries to draw#<- btw is that her actual name or like a fandom given name??#i was doing some research today to see if they had a canon appearance#[i couldnt find anything for either of them so my bad if they do and i missed it LOL]#but the transcripts just called her Rons Mom#and the wiki says she has no name but also the wiki isnt exactly accurate#[we ARE talking about Rons Mom here right fjkldsjfldsjf]#thats the context clues id gotten from skulking around dndads tags a while ago#anyway. ANYWAY i hope this is ok!!#again s o r r y i. need more practice drawing Older People fkldsjlf ILL GET THERE. EVENTUALLY 😭#BUT this is cute FUCK their husbands they could learn to love again 2gether#mutual support... yea...#im p much always open to suggestions in general#may or may not do em depending on if im busy/comfortable/NERVOUS but#more often than not i will lol#it's good practice :3 anyway again lol THANKS FOR THE PROMPT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#OKAY WAIT sorry i skulked ur blog i see the name linda came from a poll jksfjdsk#glad i wasnt missing Important Lore Somewhere ok carry on 🕺
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grief will have you saying shit like goddamn and fuck maybe the abuse was worth it
#ive made this post before i just cant find it and it’s all im feeling rn#god i miss my parents so fucking much even though they were the cause of SO MANY of my problems that idk if i’ll ever heal from#but navigating life w this grief and without their support- however little it was- feels like hell#but the abuse felt like hell too.#ive said it before but i was JUST getting to a place where i felt i could stand up for myself and knock down thwir shit a few pegs. or at#least become more resistant to it#i saw a future with them in it for the first time in my LIFE#and it was bc i’d done SO MUCH FUCKING WORK. and now i feel like it was all so fucking useless#it’d be easier if i was still in the phase of anger i was at like 19#but i’d processed that quite a bit and was trying to move on#FUCK. i had made SO much goddamn progress right before my mom got sick#then everything went down the toilet cus i cannot fucking have anything#it’s so unfair. i wish i could at least redo the last 3 years of my life#i would’ve done things so much different but i was so traumatized and still so angry and bitter and trying to preserve myself#ive come to the realization tjat the person i am today did not exist back then and therefore i shouldnt beat myself up bc it literally wasnt#available to me. i couldnt have done anythimg different bc i was in such a state of survival#and truthfully ive grown a lot since then even if im still in the trenches#the timeline of my entire life has been so fucking unfair#and i dont know how to reconcile any of it i dont know how to cope with my worst fears coming true#and i mean worst fears. even the way they passed. spot on to my worst fears#i despised what they did to me but i still didnt see life without them until i was at least 30#it was all so sudden and quick and shocking#yeah they were horrible parents but i was a horrible kid too. maybe i straight up just deserved that shit#and i’d go back to that and seeing a future with them in an instant#over this bullshit#it’s so hard. and then losing all my pets too at the SAME TIME. all my babies#everything that i loved ripped away from me in the span of MONTHS#it’s all too much. l oh fucking l. no wonder im 3 shots deep at fucking 3 pm#it just hurts so bad. so fucking bad.
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Some Julie's and idk a little thingy for today
#welcome home#partycoffin#julie joyful#man i have a LOT to do#today was kind of a mess we were suppose to go to my aunts house but uh my mom sort of took long in storage so its too late#not a bad thing actually#we have a lot more things that can help us and i have my missing nintendo switch thats been gone for 2 (or more) years!#its missing one controller but its fine! we can get a new one for it (it been had one controller because my brother broke it ages ago)#time to unpack everything i packed and uh do more work?#i still need to finish that freeplay menu im working on for my buddys fnf mod#and also need tooooo post some art i made (some time when i make more)#i haven't had much time for making my own art of things i like#OH I FORGOT ABOUT MY ART PROJECT TOO#welp things are going bad#what else did i forget?#curse you terrible memory CURSE YOU BEING DISTRACTED EASILY CURSEEE YOU HAVING HARD TIME TO FOCUSS CURSEE YOU EVERY ISSUE I CANT THINK OF
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woke up at 4am feeling the weight of my life crushing me, so I’ve been sitting out in my car for the last couple of hours because I just need. to. be. somewhere else.
#tumblr ate something like this but I think I deserve to shout uselessly into the void#shits rough dawg#I know it’s rough for everyone. I feel shitty even talking about myself. still… compelled to vent… big butts#haven’t really been on here much since it hasn’t really scratched that itch lately & just makes me feel lonelier#it’s cold#saw the Jazzercise studio open across the street. 5am for Jazzercise? wow. early.#and then everyone left an hour and a half later. lights out. everybody gone. weird schedule. I am perplexed.#went down the road and got a soda and I’ve been sitting in my driveway contemplating for the last 2.5 hours#guy at the gas station tried to talk to me but I just half assed a smile and nod and left#even though I know I’d love to just… talk to someone. I suppose it has to be ‘on my terms’ whatever those are#I miss having a therapist. or even just when my little brothers would talk to me. when anyone would. blegh#my insurance is still a mess and I’m about to run out of one of my blood pressure meds this week#maybe I’ll have a stroke. scary to think about. I think about dying a lot but that potential feels too real. just… pop! and I’m done.#I’ll try today to finally push to straighten it out but everything feels daunting#woke up with so much anxiety. about my health. my hearing. no money. my life. had to get out of the house even if it’s just right outside#hate to say it but I need(want) thc. haven’t wanted to spend money on it but I could have really used it this morning#can’t be sad if you can’t feel anything (jokingly but also not. whichever is less sad sounding)#actually treated myself to Dune 2 last week and it was so so good. wish I could go again. but it’s drugs food or movie right now. so…#I know. dumb priority but BIG SCREEN. maybe it’ll hit theaters again for the next awards season hopefully. just a real nice loud experience#anyway… I should go inside. almost 7am. need to take my brothers to school then drive my mom to her daily appointments#I’ve felt so hollow and angry and sad for so long it feels like. I feels so weak and sad and I’m tired of it. I’m so tired.#I’ve been eating about 1 meal a day and sleeping a lot. this is the worst my body has ever been. I feel like I’m just waiting to die.#is this relatable?#just have to look past it. it is nothing. this body is nothing. just enjoy your soda.#gonna look at pictures of butts now#ok gotta go I love you goodbye forever#you can ignore this#text
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babe u reblogged that september post SO MANY TIMES are u ok (you’re actuallly. so valid for this)
this week has been hell haha. Like a bunch of bad stuff decided to happen at the same time to the point where even the friends I’ve talked to about it know most instead of all of it. The only good part of this week has been the past hour and presumably the next one.
#Going to dump it in tags after the filing tags so it gets buried by the read more#amanda gets an ask#drowsgnauggnim#Okay so!#Got covid#Because of Covid I missed a bunch of school#And I had to miss a super fun event my school does that I’m a part of because of a club thing I’m KNOWN for which sucked#Because it’s part of my identity kind of#My night sweats are back which usually means yup I was right! My period#So today has been suffering through first day cramps#Yesterday I went in to get more antibiotics and ended up getting a minor surgery that I was awake for#I have a needle phobia and I got 5 shots to the joint and my fucking toenail taken off and now it looks gross and redressing it for the#First time was hell#So much blood#and my mom is dead set on going to fucking TEXAS for Christmas with relatives I don’t even know and the tickets being our presents#Switching from my dads house to my moms was delayed and I miss my cats#Oh and bc of the covid dinner with my mom and catching up/finishing the bachelorette has been indefinitely post poned#So I haven’t seen my mom in a hot second#And because I missed school there’s a mountain of stuff to catch up on and even the stuff that was already planned I’m struggling with#Oh and very minor but I can’t find the colored pencil I need for my big bang piece
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Moving sucks
#my mom moved out of here house today#saying goodbye to my childhood home is pretty awful#feels like saying goodbye to my dad all over again#i miss him so much#feels like losing ties to him#i am trying to keep it together for her sake#but i'm hanging on by a thread
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queue running low. so is motivation. but i love you and i hope we all eat well i made patty melts and animal style fries while the pink sauce makes it look veryr upsetting it does taste very good and this was my first time caramelizing onions without cheating so if u think about it that way it's been a very big day. i forgot to take pics bc my brother started shovelling things in his mouth at a very fast pace and i had to keep up. american food is good. i used cheddar instead of american cheese bc we dont have any near me but next time im willing to inch closer to a heart attack via patty melt i will source some. also im making cheong (strobbry :))) today or tomorrow whenever the kitchen frees up basically. sorry to everyone i owe letters to. also i swim again tomorrow hopefully i can do a """normal""" amount of laps but ive been constantly in pain the past week so we'll see. if you've made it this long i love you more than the rest shh dont tell them. anyways how was your day
#been feeling extra paranoid and like a bad person and guilty and ashamed and angry angry angry. it will pass soon i just need to settle i#think. i miss oreo. ive eaten too much cereal and not enough vegetables and the patty melts havent helped although i did horf down a fuckton#of french beans and carrots today. i hope my first ever cheong doesnt mold or anything. i wanna try fermentation but it seems scary and i#havent ever even made sourdough so we're starting with nonfermented syrups and working our way up. i hope to make my mom a gingerbug#goodnight mwah
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You're written in my soul,
It's your blood that I bleed.
Wherever you are, wherever I'll be...
I'll save you a seat
#today i felt fine#it was a pretty good day#I've been ok with the holiday this week#until one of my clients brought up how all she was looking forward to was the deviled eggs her mom makes#and that was the stupid thing that set me off this time#because this year you won't walk in#give me a kiss#and demand your “Satans eggies”#i won't get a big kiss on the face for making grandma's green bean casserole just the way she made it#we're not gonna have our annual post dinner sibling cuddle pile and our nap until dessert#i won't get to watch you running all the kids down while you play football#wont get to listen to you and aaron argue over who is better#the ducks or the bears#i hate this so much#i miss you so fucking much kid#idk if i can do theae holidays without you
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I started reading Lord of the Rings (bought Fellowship of the Ring like… last spring but never got around to starting) and I’d just like to say. Holy fuck what a slow book. You mean to tell me I’m over a hundred pages in and this man is only just leaving the Shire? Sign me up for MORE I love this shit. Tolkien said “I will take exactly as much time as I want to describe things and you will like it”. AND I DO
#i can already tell this is the sort of thing that’s going to be so good I’ll never recover from it#I’ve watched the movies like casually-in-the-background a couple times so I know the approximate plot#(they often run on TV somewhere around Christmas and New Year’s in Sweden so they’ve been on more than twice)#but there’s so much detail here that’s just… missed out on… in the films#Or I forgot about it lmfao#Either way loving the book detail#And also reading a book for the first time in months i told my mom id been reading today and she was like YOURE READING?!#It’s part of my social media healing process. Forcing me to like… sit down and take shit in#Used to DEVOUR books when I was younger#Just Kinda Stopped at some point (much like every other former gifted kid)#But it’s a well missed moment of escapism and calm and centering myself. meditative almost#I find lotr to be good also because it’s like… a little heavy. You can read a chapter and then sit with it for a little while#Im not quite reaching the heavy cliffhangers yet either#Each chapter feels pretty concluded#It’s a healthier reading method I feel than the ‘devour in one night then don’t read for 6 months’ thing I did in high school#the few times i DID sit down to read a book#God damn those are some long tags#z talks#not horse game#I feel so late to the party because I always see all these people enjoying lotr ;-; its so established and here am i….#but alas
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Happy dead dad day!
#my dad died 3 years ago today#I have a lot of complicated thoughts about my dad and have spent the past year very angry at him#but i miss him so much and not a day goes by that i don't wish he was still here#part of grief is allowing yourself to feel everything you feel about the person you've lost#my dad did a lot of shitty things and let me believe horrible things about my mother for 11 years#until after he died my mom finally defended herself because she didn't want me to hate my dad while he was alive#and i don't hate him. ive never hated him#but i think back on my childhood and the trauma his untreated mental illness inflicted on all of us#that no one outside of our house knew about#he was bipolar and had DID and was probably also autistic#i was terrified of my father until i was about 16. but i love him and loved him then#the amount of shit he put us all through and especially my mother. who stayed with him because he was her soulmate and also#would likely have killed himself if she left. he threatened to kill her on multiple occasions#we weren't allowed to walk home after school even though it's only about a mile to the school from my house#i realized after he died that its because my mother did not trust him to be home alone with us for our safety#all the adults in our life thought we were just lazy fat kids who couldn't walk a mile#and i think thats the hardest#people thought so negatively about is because they didn't know what we went through on a daily basis#his own family has his memory on a pedestal when they didn't even live with him during childhood#he lived with his grandma and they all lived with their mom#and they get mad if we say ANYTHING negative about him#YOU DIDN'T KNOW HIM YOU DON'T EVEN BELIEVE HE SUFFERED FROM D.I.D. EVEN THOUGH IT WAS DIAGNOSED!#anyways rest in peace to my chevy impala that the transmission died while driving from the hospital to see him#because he was in a coma. for the 3rd time that year#dead dad club#parental loss#grief
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(venting in the tags ignore this lol)
#minhmy.rambles#(i just need to shout this somewhere where my friends don't see so they don't worry too much about me)#but oh my god work just got worse for this week im already working every day but tomorrow (aka in six and a half hours)#i will start at 5am and end at 9pm aka a double shift bc my coworker tested positive and there's no one else that can work#just for tomorrow but the rest of the week ill be working 1-9#which i hate even though im used to it night shifts are just boringgggg and takes up a lot of my time#which i already have so little of#my mom said i should clean my closet and i was going to tomorrow bc i wanted to play grandfest today but now i cant do that#bc ill literally be at work all day lol#and god its just so hard its so so hard but it could be worse. it literally could be worse#i cant be here as much anymore bc im so busy and tired i just draw when i can and drop them all here and leave#and i miss writing a lot but i have even less time and even less motivation and the more i work the more awful i feel#and i don't want to worry anyone like . i just don't#but its so difficult for me it really is#theres so many things i want to do but i cant do any of it and im so tired im literally so tired#like im not gonna end my life kinda tired i have a lot to look forward to. but work just really sucks and i am Tired#and i Like my job its literally the easiest and ill never have something like this again#but urghghghh. urggfhhghgh. death pain and suffering#if i draw more sif and loop suffering lol. this is why. i need to get the emotions out somehow and i don't want to cry over it#i cant cry bc i need to work i just have to keep my head up i just have to keep at it i just have to be strong and not break#i can do it i can.. i know i can i've been through worse#its just. augh.#ok done. sorry i rly rly should sleep soon bc of my 16 hour shift tmrw lol its past 10:30pm already
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