#today i miss my mom so so much
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#tw abuse#hi#im just lying down in the dark on a rainy day and need to vent here because I can’t get myself to journal#today i miss my mom so so much#I miss who she was before the drugs and alcoholism#she can be so nurturing and generous and kind when she’s not using#she couldn’t be the mother she was capable of being because of her addiction and severe mental health issues#I was emotionally and physically abused til I was 16 and the thing is#I don’t have hate or resentment for her#I only want the best for her#I just ache inside knowing that because she’s still in denial and addiction and we can’t have a relationship#I have no immediate family left and my extended family aren’t the nicest people#lately my ptsd has been triggered a lot and old trauma has been resurfaced#witnessing an incredible amount of domestic violence growing up still fucks with my head#it was so scarring#won’t get into details there but god it really did a number on me#the bottom line is I miss who my mom was before the alcohol and abuse#and more importantly#I miss myself#I miss laughing until I cried#I miss not running from everything#I miss letting myself feel#personal
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#a doodley#i had to make this blue so tumblr would stop hiding it from the dash#anyway no caption this happened 2 hrs ago#im happy abt my surgery but it and other things this year keep beinging conversations like these up#and i cant handle it at all.#everything my dad tells me just makes me feel worse and not bc its anything bad but bc I Feel Bad#like the conversation then continued to him being like no dont cry im just saying i wpuld have wanted to#quit my job decades ago and set aside money so I wouldnt be struggling as much now but that didnt happen#and i just dont want that to happen to you guys :)#so we have to support u so that your life is what u want it to be#and i cried even more bc what do u mean. thats so sad. ur a person and u were a child and baby once and ur gonna die#and you always almost cry when u talk about your mom who passed away decades ago#and your brothers that passed away#recently and im going to be your age and still sobbing bc i miss my dad. just like i have been prematurely crying about since i was 7#the other day my dad asked my mom if i cried a lot when i was a baby/kid and my mom said no and then my dad#said that when i Did cry it was so severe he thought i would ''drown in my own tears''#bc i could never stop. like. thats still true today. ive been crying on and off since then#i think i mentioned he's just been telling me stories about his life lately and it further fuels this. i get so sad. im sorry your life was#like this. i dont want to die i dont want you to die im sad im sorry im sorry#im scared. im never going to see you again. how horrible. how horrible#i cant enjoy my day today bc every day is a day closer and i get sad
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mi papa y mi mama
#i miss my parents so much please come back home the kids are fighting even though i just watched my mom stream today#im obssessed with this picture like the way dream's hand hovering george's back behind the sofa and leaning on him#inner possesive manner husband vibe telling people the next person is his wife#estoy loco#dnf
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paige either has cancer or is in advanced stages of heart failure. tomorrow they're gonna drain the fluid out of her abdomen, and her blood work will be back tomorrow so we can get a better idea if its one or the other. of course i knew this day would come, but it still hurts to be dealing with this.
#ive been sick and missed work mon and today and now i wish i sucked it up and went to work so i could take tomorrow off#but im gonna choose to look at it like i was taking care of me AND paige#anyway im dropping her off and then going right to work lets see if i can make it or not lol#also sucks that i am going to have to pay back my mom so much money now#i just wish i had the fucking money man#not that that would help paige#but whatever#haile talks#paige updates
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wishing everyone who celebrates a happy easter and an even happier transgender day of visibility 🐣🪩🫶🪽
#went to church with my mom for the first time in years just because we thought it could be fun (it was!) and im thinking about. themes#resurrection and rebirth belongs to trans and nonbinary people and if i was going to pray i would thank god for making me queer !!!#the middle picture is from a disco themed university party we had on (holy) thursday where i had So much fun#(the crucifix earring was Mostly ironic and for the aesthetic)#been experiencing a lot of queer joy lately. as well as some new and complicated but Good feelings about gender. and maybe religion as well#anyway.#easter#religion#gender#tdov#trans day of visibility#lgbtq#queer#mine#💛#religion mention#christianity mention#<- just in case people dont want to see anything to do with religion in the trans tags today (or ever) !! <3 sorry if i missed something#edit: i originally also had a quote from julian k. jarboe here about humanity partaking in the act of creation#but i didnt realize the quote was from a jewish person regarding judaism so i removed it from the association with easter and christianity#the quote itself slaps and idk to what degree different religions and discussions or art about them should be kept separated !!#but im not the authority on that and ofc dont want to make anyone uncomfortable !!
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grief will have you saying shit like goddamn and fuck maybe the abuse was worth it
#ive made this post before i just cant find it and it’s all im feeling rn#god i miss my parents so fucking much even though they were the cause of SO MANY of my problems that idk if i’ll ever heal from#but navigating life w this grief and without their support- however little it was- feels like hell#but the abuse felt like hell too.#ive said it before but i was JUST getting to a place where i felt i could stand up for myself and knock down thwir shit a few pegs. or at#least become more resistant to it#i saw a future with them in it for the first time in my LIFE#and it was bc i’d done SO MUCH FUCKING WORK. and now i feel like it was all so fucking useless#it’d be easier if i was still in the phase of anger i was at like 19#but i’d processed that quite a bit and was trying to move on#FUCK. i had made SO much goddamn progress right before my mom got sick#then everything went down the toilet cus i cannot fucking have anything#it’s so unfair. i wish i could at least redo the last 3 years of my life#i would’ve done things so much different but i was so traumatized and still so angry and bitter and trying to preserve myself#ive come to the realization tjat the person i am today did not exist back then and therefore i shouldnt beat myself up bc it literally wasnt#available to me. i couldnt have done anythimg different bc i was in such a state of survival#and truthfully ive grown a lot since then even if im still in the trenches#the timeline of my entire life has been so fucking unfair#and i dont know how to reconcile any of it i dont know how to cope with my worst fears coming true#and i mean worst fears. even the way they passed. spot on to my worst fears#i despised what they did to me but i still didnt see life without them until i was at least 30#it was all so sudden and quick and shocking#yeah they were horrible parents but i was a horrible kid too. maybe i straight up just deserved that shit#and i’d go back to that and seeing a future with them in an instant#over this bullshit#it’s so hard. and then losing all my pets too at the SAME TIME. all my babies#everything that i loved ripped away from me in the span of MONTHS#it’s all too much. l oh fucking l. no wonder im 3 shots deep at fucking 3 pm#it just hurts so bad. so fucking bad.
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Some Julie's and idk a little thingy for today
#welcome home#partycoffin#julie joyful#man i have a LOT to do#today was kind of a mess we were suppose to go to my aunts house but uh my mom sort of took long in storage so its too late#not a bad thing actually#we have a lot more things that can help us and i have my missing nintendo switch thats been gone for 2 (or more) years!#its missing one controller but its fine! we can get a new one for it (it been had one controller because my brother broke it ages ago)#time to unpack everything i packed and uh do more work?#i still need to finish that freeplay menu im working on for my buddys fnf mod#and also need tooooo post some art i made (some time when i make more)#i haven't had much time for making my own art of things i like#OH I FORGOT ABOUT MY ART PROJECT TOO#welp things are going bad#what else did i forget?#curse you terrible memory CURSE YOU BEING DISTRACTED EASILY CURSEEE YOU HAVING HARD TIME TO FOCUSS CURSEE YOU EVERY ISSUE I CANT THINK OF
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woke up at 4am feeling the weight of my life crushing me, so I’ve been sitting out in my car for the last couple of hours because I just need. to. be. somewhere else.
#tumblr ate something like this but I think I deserve to shout uselessly into the void#shits rough dawg#I know it’s rough for everyone. I feel shitty even talking about myself. still… compelled to vent… big butts#haven’t really been on here much since it hasn’t really scratched that itch lately & just makes me feel lonelier#it’s cold#saw the Jazzercise studio open across the street. 5am for Jazzercise? wow. early.#and then everyone left an hour and a half later. lights out. everybody gone. weird schedule. I am perplexed.#went down the road and got a soda and I’ve been sitting in my driveway contemplating for the last 2.5 hours#guy at the gas station tried to talk to me but I just half assed a smile and nod and left#even though I know I’d love to just… talk to someone. I suppose it has to be ‘on my terms’ whatever those are#I miss having a therapist. or even just when my little brothers would talk to me. when anyone would. blegh#my insurance is still a mess and I’m about to run out of one of my blood pressure meds this week#maybe I’ll have a stroke. scary to think about. I think about dying a lot but that potential feels too real. just… pop! and I’m done.#I’ll try today to finally push to straighten it out but everything feels daunting#woke up with so much anxiety. about my health. my hearing. no money. my life. had to get out of the house even if it’s just right outside#hate to say it but I need(want) thc. haven’t wanted to spend money on it but I could have really used it this morning#can’t be sad if you can’t feel anything (jokingly but also not. whichever is less sad sounding)#actually treated myself to Dune 2 last week and it was so so good. wish I could go again. but it’s drugs food or movie right now. so…#I know. dumb priority but BIG SCREEN. maybe it’ll hit theaters again for the next awards season hopefully. just a real nice loud experience#anyway… I should go inside. almost 7am. need to take my brothers to school then drive my mom to her daily appointments#I’ve felt so hollow and angry and sad for so long it feels like. I feels so weak and sad and I’m tired of it. I’m so tired.#I’ve been eating about 1 meal a day and sleeping a lot. this is the worst my body has ever been. I feel like I’m just waiting to die.#is this relatable?#just have to look past it. it is nothing. this body is nothing. just enjoy your soda.#gonna look at pictures of butts now#ok gotta go I love you goodbye forever#you can ignore this#text
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#holidays have not been what i hoped for so far 😔😔#well the first week was good but then i got sick 😭#and it's been so awful#having a cough is literally the worst i couldn't sleep it was so bad#and i couldn't even enjoy doing anything really because you can't properly focus on the thing bc ur coughing non stop#i hate it sm#and today it was gone all day only that now it is back altough not as bad as before but still#it always gets worse in the evening#like help i just want this to end#what made it even worse i had real plans to study and now i barely got anything done 😭😭#and now i'm scared for exams bc i couldn't follow the plan altough i still have more than 2 and 3 weeks left#in my mind i already think i'm gonna do badly bc i need to study more i'm afraid#and i'm also upset at myself even though it's not my fault i got sick but i keep thinking i still could have done more ughh#to make it even worse i coudn't play tennis for a whole week and i was so looking forward to playing everyday (and improving) 😢😢#i couldn't do any sports or see anyone i miss it sm#i hope at least in the new year i can do stuff again 🥺#it was just the worst cold/flu and idk why whenever i get it it's that extreme 😵💫#or idk is it normal that you can't sleep bc of it ... i just don't wanna get sick again ever lmao it's the worst#i guess christmas was still nice it wasn't that bad then and it was a lovely day with my family :)#and our tree was really pretty this year and i'm really happy with my gifts and also those i gifted 🥰#the week before was good i did play lots of tennis and i went on a christmas market with uni friend and to vienna for a trip with my mom ^^#but maybe it was too much sometimes i wonder if i do something wrong or if it is just bad luck like i did train a lot#and i played a tennis match for my club and won against a higher ranked opponent so yay 😁#and i played really well i feel like i once again really improved my level :)) but i did play kinda sick already so maybe that was rly bad😅#maybe i should stop doing that 😅 but i didn't know it's gonna get this bad i just had the worst headache and sore throat#well ig i should have known but i also always feel like i have to play and i love matches and like my team needs me?#who else would have won that? i'm one of the best at my team and the others who are rly good weren't there that day so i felt responsible 😅#honestly my mom possibly she is also quite good but it would have been close and i wasn't sure so i played 😅#but i have done this too often by now... playing sick i really can't help myself 🤦♀️
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Today my first graders gave me a gift bag as a going away present. Many parents gave me little chocolates and gift cards already, but I was appreciative of the kids giving their own gift. I wasn't expecting much beyond a drawing of some hearts and maybe a candy. What I did not expect was to start crying as soon as i opened up a cheap gold bag filled with legos, pencils, tiny notebooks, and scissors. The nature of being 6 is to have no money and no opportunity to freely get gifts no matter how much they may want to. They didn't have money to buy but they did have time to spend. My first graders organized in secret throughout the week to find little things in their backpacks they thought I would like. Nothing expensive and the majority was little legos shapes they built during play time. The young organizer was so proud to present me with their little baggie of goodies and made sure to point out the lego she contributed. I was a mess seeing the present paired with their little note signed in gold sparkle pen. The first graders found the second graders to add their names to the note and they did their best to get signatures from the big kids too even though they only play together for a scant few minutes a day. I may have gotten quite a few fancy chocolates and coffee gift cards, but the best gift I received today was my little bag of legos that cost nothing but a pure belief that I would be happy with what made them happy.
#teaching#school#students#i have been on and off crying whenever i think of their present#one of my 5th graders was trying so hard to not cry today he was making me cry#one of my second graders did break down in tears and her mom had me take a photo with her to have a nice memory when im gone#i have to go student teach now at another school in the same district but im gonna miss my little guys so much#I've been teaching these kids for 3 years im gonna miss them all even the troublemakers#christmas#holiday gifts
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Moving sucks
#my mom moved out of here house today#saying goodbye to my childhood home is pretty awful#feels like saying goodbye to my dad all over again#i miss him so much#feels like losing ties to him#i am trying to keep it together for her sake#but i'm hanging on by a thread
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queue running low. so is motivation. but i love you and i hope we all eat well i made patty melts and animal style fries while the pink sauce makes it look veryr upsetting it does taste very good and this was my first time caramelizing onions without cheating so if u think about it that way it's been a very big day. i forgot to take pics bc my brother started shovelling things in his mouth at a very fast pace and i had to keep up. american food is good. i used cheddar instead of american cheese bc we dont have any near me but next time im willing to inch closer to a heart attack via patty melt i will source some. also im making cheong (strobbry :))) today or tomorrow whenever the kitchen frees up basically. sorry to everyone i owe letters to. also i swim again tomorrow hopefully i can do a """normal""" amount of laps but ive been constantly in pain the past week so we'll see. if you've made it this long i love you more than the rest shh dont tell them. anyways how was your day
#been feeling extra paranoid and like a bad person and guilty and ashamed and angry angry angry. it will pass soon i just need to settle i#think. i miss oreo. ive eaten too much cereal and not enough vegetables and the patty melts havent helped although i did horf down a fuckton#of french beans and carrots today. i hope my first ever cheong doesnt mold or anything. i wanna try fermentation but it seems scary and i#havent ever even made sourdough so we're starting with nonfermented syrups and working our way up. i hope to make my mom a gingerbug#goodnight mwah
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You're written in my soul,
It's your blood that I bleed.
Wherever you are, wherever I'll be...
I'll save you a seat
#today i felt fine#it was a pretty good day#I've been ok with the holiday this week#until one of my clients brought up how all she was looking forward to was the deviled eggs her mom makes#and that was the stupid thing that set me off this time#because this year you won't walk in#give me a kiss#and demand your “Satans eggies”#i won't get a big kiss on the face for making grandma's green bean casserole just the way she made it#we're not gonna have our annual post dinner sibling cuddle pile and our nap until dessert#i won't get to watch you running all the kids down while you play football#wont get to listen to you and aaron argue over who is better#the ducks or the bears#i hate this so much#i miss you so fucking much kid#idk if i can do theae holidays without you
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I started reading Lord of the Rings (bought Fellowship of the Ring like… last spring but never got around to starting) and I’d just like to say. Holy fuck what a slow book. You mean to tell me I’m over a hundred pages in and this man is only just leaving the Shire? Sign me up for MORE I love this shit. Tolkien said “I will take exactly as much time as I want to describe things and you will like it”. AND I DO
#i can already tell this is the sort of thing that’s going to be so good I’ll never recover from it#I’ve watched the movies like casually-in-the-background a couple times so I know the approximate plot#(they often run on TV somewhere around Christmas and New Year’s in Sweden so they’ve been on more than twice)#but there’s so much detail here that’s just… missed out on… in the films#Or I forgot about it lmfao#Either way loving the book detail#And also reading a book for the first time in months i told my mom id been reading today and she was like YOURE READING?!#It’s part of my social media healing process. Forcing me to like… sit down and take shit in#Used to DEVOUR books when I was younger#Just Kinda Stopped at some point (much like every other former gifted kid)#But it’s a well missed moment of escapism and calm and centering myself. meditative almost#I find lotr to be good also because it’s like… a little heavy. You can read a chapter and then sit with it for a little while#Im not quite reaching the heavy cliffhangers yet either#Each chapter feels pretty concluded#It’s a healthier reading method I feel than the ‘devour in one night then don’t read for 6 months’ thing I did in high school#the few times i DID sit down to read a book#God damn those are some long tags#z talks#not horse game#I feel so late to the party because I always see all these people enjoying lotr ;-; its so established and here am i….#but alas
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im. THE WORLD IS GOOD i forgot about hope !!
#my friend texted me and told me he was excited to see me tonight#and now im about to cry#its been so long i miss my friends so much#AND I GET TO SEE THEM !!!#i get to see them ! and hug them !! and do art with them and watch movies with them and. AGHHH#im literally crying bc of happiness#im eating a homeade bagel my brothers friends mom made and drinking tea and im filled with hope#sorry the fact that im actually going to be there TODAY ?? is finally sinking in#atlas screams into the abyss
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hrg family vacation was going very well until exactly ten minutes ago when apparently me saying that i wanted to go kayaking in the ocean repeatedly was not clear to my mom and she said oh i didnt know you were serious about that and now the One activity i wanted to do on this trip i might not get to do and trying to intervene from a meltdown (ive already failed)
#scream. ive literally been saying thats what i want to do i dont understand why mom is confused by this#and i brought it up today bc tomorrow is wedding so i assumed tomorrow time will be difficult and she was like oh? u do want to do that?#?????? what do u mean.#anyway. been in here for an hour now. having a bad bad bad time.#wpuld rllynlove to tru and talk to my mom abt this but its so much harder to do on this trip bc theres two extra people i dont know floating#around that im not comfortable with and cant unmask around for hard stuff#scream. just had a big i miss my friends and home cry. i love them. i will see them soon.
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