#to prove myself or something stupid
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random, but i’m kind of really happy about this
my older brother called me for my birthday last week and we talked for a good three hours, kinda just about everything that’s been going on with him and our relationship, and i kind of told him how much his smoking and doing drugs and recklessness bugged me and my baby brother, and he called me again today and told me he was gonna quit for me and my little brother. and im really happy about it
i think our relationship is gonna get better. i guess that’s what im saying
#i dunno i’ve always felt my relationship with him was strained#i think it was because i was constantly being compared to him as a kid and even though until now#and it kind of made me really resent him and it made me base my life and goals around being better than him#to prove myself or something stupid#idk#and even though things were rocky the last few months i really think things are going to get better#and it makes me happy because i love my brother a lot#i guess that’s the funny thing about being in the middle-you gotta be the oldest’s shadow but the youngest’s sunlight#if that makes sense#misc#alaska’s irl bullshit#i got distracted with the super bowl and trying to work on drawings and fics#so idk here’s some positivity
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See the thing is. I know I'm good at writing. Like I have my weak areas or things I need to improve in, but it's not a skill I otherwise spend a lot of time feeling insecure about because a) if I don't believe in my writing literally who will b) if I want to publish my writing I ought to at least feel a resting level of good about it because editors and agents likely will not be cradling my face like a prize cat and telling me how talented I am while asking for their edits c) I've always had an audience for my writing even at its worst– I started sharing my original works online when I was around 16 & that really helped sell to me the idea of 'there will always be someone out there who likes what you do' d) untalented men never think this hard about the quality of their works and they always end up published anyway and e) I don't have many other thoroughly developed skills so why not have one I feel good about. Having said this. Awkward feeling to realize you're one of the authorial weak links in your postgraduate creative writing degree's social circle
#part of the issue is definitely also like. i am good at what i do! its just that im the only one doing it#40 people in my fuckass degree and im the only one who writes fantasy fiction. we had one more girl but she did romance & dropped out#(to be an agent) (this isnt a sad story)#but yeah no im mostly surrounded by very talented poets and screenwriters. which makes my works seem a little. frivolous. in comparison#and my friends especially are so fucking talented it makes me ill. and they engage politely with me about my writing but its also#superficial and i cant blame them because its simply not what they write/what theyre interested in! i feel the same about poetry#but my friend actually seemed surprised a while ago when i mentioned a thing id been writing and i joked that it looked like she was#surprised i could have good ideas and she didnt answer. and like. man.#i am a good writer! i fucking know im a good writer but im a good FANTASY writer and these people are. different writers and theyre good an#im floundering in this environment next to them and theres something not as like.. artistic in what i do its so fucking embarrassing#and they also display just such a lack of curiosity as to others' writing like.. they wont check the moodle forum to read what the others i#our module have uploaded for each assignment?? like arent you even just CURIOUS? but now im also just wondering if theyre like 🤞 this#with each other in a way that excludes me and my stupid flop ass fiction. i dont know. its just so silly. everyone always talks about#finding community in writing groups & degrees & such and that is exactly the last and most isolating place ive ever been insofar as my#writing goes. like at least way back in high school no one cared in general. here people do care. just not about what i can bring to the#table. although again i really dont know if this is a larger scale lack of curiosity/involvement in others works so i digress.#notnow#tbd#sorry this is a very priveleged complaint to have i AM deeply enjoying my degree and ik im so lucky to get to go where i attend. i just#occasionally feel sad. and knowing i failed my last assignment (which WAS fiction) (one chance to prove myself! cute) isnt helping much#if the poetrypeople are better at me even in the thing im meant to be good at. baby we're about to enter the mental health meat grinder.#but we stay silly. i think i just need to find people online etc to talk to about writing again like i did at 17.#just full insanity paragraph analysis. that was fun. i enjoyed that.
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I missed wearing corpse paint. And well, it might as well be the perfect occassion...💀 Yes, of course, it's always a perfect occassion, but still. I do look rather brvtal.
#metalhead#metal girl#metalhead girl#corpse paint#band shirt#archgoat#trve kvlt#lithuanian girl#baltic#baltic girl#baltic demon#witch#baltic witch#apparently halloween proved the day i managed to drag myself to do something with my face#the lighter stains are red but it looked stupid with colour
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#my psych who prescribes my psych meds is a resident and is moving on in a couple of months#i don't even remember the names of them all at this point#this happens over and over and I cannot find a clinic that will put me with someone who intends to stay#thst will also prescribe my adhd meds#and my anxiety meds#and the real kicker is that twice now they have LIED about it and said they would#only to reveal after all the hoop-jumping that oops sorry they didn't really mean it#so it's a risk i have to take any time i leave#and rhen there's the issue of new people almost always wanting to DO something#but instead of talking to me about it they just decide that my meds need overhauling and pressure me to go off shit that works#but that they morally object to i guess#and my psych for some stupid reason has decided she wants bloodwork for my cholesterol and blood sugar stuff and im just like#what hell does THIS presage because if she harasses me about the results or tries to put me on drugs for that#I'll give her a nasty scrap about it#im not interested in those meds at all#and im certainly not messing with my diet since food is the only pleasure i get most days and even that is marginal at best#and removing that would just make me worse#but medpros for the most part really don't give a fuck about that#and so now im afraid - because i do not and cannot trust them - that if i disapprove of the meds they will retaliate somehow#which good luck proving that when management and oversight often don't even care if they course of treatment will HARM you#if it relates to being fat or having bad numbers#they just gotta pathologize!#so yeah im sick of everything and just kind of want to bury myself in a bog forever#i shouldn't have to deal with this
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i'll take a moment to thank, from the bottom of the heart, all the friends and the people i don't even follow for leaving tags on my art. special shoutouts to those who share thoughts about it and compliment my designs. you have no idea how much that means to me
#if you've followed me for a while. i say this frequently. but because i need people to remember#i know people who reblogged my latest art for the poseidon design don't follow me#but some comments i read on it brought me joy. people who say my designs are great. who see things i myself didn't even consider#they get a special thanks. it's stupid. once my internship starts. if it does anyway. if all goes decently. i'll stop having time for mysel#i'll stop having time for art. because i'll have to follow the house and family drama bullshit while also working pretty much#which is something i've never done. working i mean. so i'm scared#but i'm even more scared as stupid as it sounds. that i'll stop being creative. and that i'll stop drawing altogether#it's a thought that has brought me to tears multiple times lately. i know it might not be the case. but i know that life will require me to#step away from art and fully embrace what i studied instead. against my real will but that's details#anyway. i digress. the post is and will stay about being grateful for the people sparing good and kind words on my art#i treasure all of them. january was a burst of inspiration because my head knows i won't be able to be this way and have this time anymore#and it's been shooting me down a lot. but these tags remind me that at least for the time i've been here#for the time i've given art and taking my chances sharing it here. the words prove me it was all worth it#so i'm grateful. to all the people who have supported me and spared nice words. mutuals followers and nonfollowers alike#i don't think people realize how much their words meant to me. so i like to remind people#even if this reaches nobody and even if it's just me talking to myself at 1 am for my timezone anyway
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i think about bo burnham saying 'if you can live your life without an audience, you should do it' at least once a day
#bo burnham#that whole speech is so. yeah.#but i always catch myself wondering what other people think of me in public and i think about that line#and 'perform everything all the time' and social media being this performance and also the only way for someone to feel Real these days#like was it in inside that he talked about that? god he said. idk something like that.#and i think about it so much because ill be doing something and think 'i dont feel like a real person unless i upload this to instagram'#like i have to Prove and Show other people im Doing Things#which is stupid because no one cares#no one cares what other people upload because we only care about what WE upload and the attention it gets#even though that attention is so shallow and meaningless#but like. im very much not on social media anymore#i dont perform like i used to because i dont feel a need to#im doing my own things and i prefer to keep those things in my Real Private Life#live your life without an audience! uninstall instagram! stop thinking about how strangers percieve you! no one truly cares! and its great!
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Christ, I am so tired of people sending me messages, replies, etc. like "well, in my experience, performers never know if their venues are accessible! you should be contacting the venues instead!"
LIKE THAT'S NOT THE EXACT PROBLEM I AM DESCRIBING IN THE POST. Like I have never been to a fucking show before!
I am literally upset that they do not ask!!! And do not ask once they are asked!!! I am upset that they have the privilege to not ask and are happy to keep that privilege to themselves rather than even the playing field for the marginalized groups they claim to care about.
like??? Why are people asking like it's impossible to know these things??? Do they think that disabled performers never book venues? Do they think if you ask these questions you just drop dead?
Like at this point, the only thing more exhausting than the original issue is all the people showing up in my notes treating me like I'm an idiot for expecting the bare fucking minimum, which is businesses even knowing whether they're in compliance with the ADA or not before they take my money.
Jesus.
#I'm! irritated!#I swear this happens every time one of my disability posts gets bigger than I was expecting#people over here acting like I'm stupid or selfish for expecting people to care about accessibility#that's the exact attitude that's pissing me off!#like damn the lack of self-awareness is staggering#stop making my life harder and go google accessibility or something#the post was LITERALLY about how exhausting it is to have to do all this myself because I can't depend on the able-bodied for shit#stop proving my point and taking what very little spoons I have left#cw:#ableism#disability
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Feeling like I want to give up again...
#now it's my dad who's deciding to be a jerk towards me because he's mad at my mom#okay that's cool I guess#I haven't been feeling well at all today#I can't even distract myself#my dad's being so dramatic too like it's not my fault he's on a break from work but still doing stuff he could probably get out of doing#but he wants to be away from me and my mom so. I get it#he's never at home even when he's supposedly on a break from his job lol#this is how my mom and I know he's lying about retiring#because he's always putting it off#he was supposed to retire this year but nope#if he doesn't have his job he has no excuse to get out of the house and he hates being around us#Goddddd#he is such a fucking hypocrite#getting mad at me over something he has also done before and then saying it was fine when HE did it because it was 'months ago already'#(dropping something except in his case he actually SHATTERED it lmao)#but yeah... me dropping something without breaking it is WORSE than him dropping and actually breaking it...#wow#amazing logic#then my dad keeps complaining about how we don't care. when he's the one who proves over and over again that he's the one who doesn't care#I forget what they're called but he's the parent type who doesn't get involved in anything#he's never stood up for me and he's watching me rot and hurt myself and he's just like 'oh okay as long as it doesn't involve me idc'#he's not fucking stupid like he can tell there's shit clinically wrong with me but not once has he acted like an actual parent towards me#and yeah I'm an adult now but it's still fucked me up so badly#he is such a fucking coward#and selfish#if he could drop me and my mom somehow I know he would at the drop of the hat#but remember he's a coward so. I know he fucking won't#God this is making my urges get bad again#I'm crying 'cause I'm just so fucking pathetic :')
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its not serious Ur not serious ab it An ur motives r stupid n hold no real life value
#been feelin sorta stupid lately#havent been sleeping well#feel empty . wanna try sm new . not motivated#cant create how i wanna . cant create what i have to . feels stale#think i mighr prove myself as an idiot before ever getting anyones faith in me in the first place#think i might just be a really smart idiot#jus bcuz i have big boy thoughts doesnt mwan im smart . maybe it just means everyone else is stupid for listening#i like feeling smart but i think im overselling myself#managed to fool myself too#m scatterbrained#m not nearly as bad as i was#im fine now . just stagnant#cant get anything done . not that i could then either#i dont even remember what it was like then#probably for the best#idealizing something i cant recall . i dont even have evidence of the worst of it#dont even know what went wrong to be honest#never got told directly . i never get told directly#always have to guess or find out some other offhand way#complaining about too much rn#mm#dont know whay my problem is#n no one else can figure it out for me#well maybe someone can#takes a while#and a lotta effort#gggghhhh#ok#m done
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Girl are you okay? Cause you've been looking through the "My lesbian experience with loneliness" tag again
Well the short answer is no :D
#the long answer is I saw one post of someone going 'well now that I'm 28 too maybe I'll try doing the same thing the protag does here''#and nearly cried because 28 is such a ridiculously long time away except not really except it's SO#fucking long and so close to what I was gaslit into believing I would ever have that I'd be lucky to make it to my thirties for no reason#and I never wanted anything different and just wanted to live and had panic attacks when reading but I'd still believe it was inevitable#and now I am suddenly having to come to terms with so much I want from life that I had resigned myself to never having because I couldn't#but how am I meant to do that? it's just hanging over my head now and it feels so stupid and I feel so out of place everywhere#it feels like I'm too bad at being a person to be loved and too angry to even admit I want to be#and too regretful to seek it because I'm scared of trampling over people's boundaries like people have done to me#and like I did too before I grew up and thought my way through having some empathy#why do only boys show any interest in me.... why is every friend I make entirely outside the range of people who could possibly reciprocate#why is it so easy for me to brush crushes aside aren't people supposed to suffer for this stuff#does that prove it's not a romantic crush and it's just that I want to be held and wanted#it feels so wrong to want this after fighting so much just to have fulfilling platonic relationships what's wrong with me#that I still want something else what more could I want this life is so ideal as far as 12 yo me is concerned#...when did my brain start viewing any and all kinds of want or ambition as doomed efforts for me?#I have such a headache all of a sudden#I think... the way I value self preservation has gotten all the way around into being harmful maybe#at least a little#everyone I know is nowhere near the amount of control freak as I am and they just go do things they want to do#have I seen them hurt over the consequences multiple times yes. but . I'm tired of hurting over absence#''did you know wishing you had more extreme and easily verifiable trauma is in itself proof of having undergone trauma'' well yeah but like#fuck why couldn't I be traumatized by anything else that wasn't literally the profession supposed to help you with all the trauma#delete later#like for real I want to delete it rn but I also don't
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prepping a twelfth night directors concept should literally be the easiest thing in the world for me and yet i have nothing
#i probably need to start doing that actual work.#but it’s hard to commit to that when i have an actual rehearsal to run in two days#and i know this is for one assignment#and also i really really want to do well it feels like something i should prove myself with#which is. stupid. but i can’t find anything New to say about it Right Now#ted talks
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Hmm someone outta stop me bcuz I'm seriously considering going thru my whole blog just to tag all my Sonic posts cuz the way my brain works I'm casually lookin thru my blog and a thought pops up tellin me like Man just think of how hard it would be to tag all of these tho I wish I could so I don't lose some of the cooler posts I got on here... wait is that a challenge? You don't think I'm capable of going thru all these posts and tagging them? HA! YOU KNOW NOT MY POWER! YOU KNOW NOT WHAT I AM CAPABLE OF! IF I WANTED TO I REALLY COULD and etc etc etc so yeah I'm like super close to biting the bullet and going thru all my posts just to tag some of those potential straggler posts of Sonic stuff I may have reblogged back in the day
#listen if someone says I can't do smth or that it's too hard or doubting my ability to dedicate hours to something that only matters to me#well then I just gotta fuckin do it then cuz I know I can HOW DARE THEY !! YOU CHALLENGE ME!! I'LL PROVE YOU WRONG !! MWAHAHAHAHA type shit#goes Sonic mode I'll make you eat those words! <- not a Sonic thing I'm just rotting my brain with Sonic content lmao#also it's only if it's something I know I'm able to do if someone ''challenges'' me to something I know I can't do or don't care about#then I'm not even gonna think about doing it for even a second#but something like this? oh I'm well aware I COULD do this IT IS JUST SO MUCH WORK IT WOULDN'T BE WORTH IT I'M SURE#I'm talking myself outta it cuz I know what I'm like I'm so close to revving up BUT I GOTTA STOP MYSELF#I am not a competitive person I'm just really stupid mind you I think it is funny to do stupid shit like this and that's the reason#that's the reason I'm thinkin of doin it cuz there is NO reason I SHOULD do it but in theory I COULD do it but I SHOULD NOT
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Girl help I keep thinking about freaking persona 4
#i have banned myself from engaging with any persona 4 related content (except for memes my sister sends me)#because yeah its genuinely deeply upsetting for me and i always feel like absolute shit#but aghhh for some reason my brain has been fixated on it this week thinking about all the offensive garbage it is#and i keep thinking of all the evidence i can gather definitively proving that the writing is sooooo homophobic/transphobic#which is a very easy thing to gather up and prove since its all over the damn place lol#but like im just so fixated on how awful the game is and how the fans are even worse and i have this urge to argue forever#something im sure a lot of yall can relate to#cuz god it hurts to be screaming at people that theyre hurting you and for them to just say no to you as if its up for debate#if this sounds dramatic cuz its Juat A Game liiiike no its not Just A Game this is about#my daily life requires me to argue my existence constantly and its the same for every other damn marginalized person out there#and idk if youre still gonna either ignore or deny that persona 4 isnt batshit insanely offensive then youre stupid#i dont have the patience to argue shit like this anymore because theres no way someone with a brain can deny shit like that#and quite frankly even well intentioned queer fans who try to make headcanons that either say fuck you to the game#or hcs that do nothing at all to challenge the bigotry in p4 are kinda annoying to me#cuz it hurts too much to play along like yeah id LOVE to just slap a rainbow on kanji and a trans guy badge on naoto#and call it a day and enjoy the game outside of it all but thats kinda impossible#when these two characters entire existence revolves around the bigotry and its done in a way that hurts like hell to see#its too real for me to enjoy even if i make positive ‘fuck you atlus’ fan art#yeah ughhhh whatever its just annoying cuz I’ve been doing a good job at blocking this game away from my life#cuz it brought nothing but anger to me but its just been something thats been stuck on me lately#and im really not sure what triggered this or why its been lingering so long like please stoppp#its really embarrassing to be having bad mental illness over a shitty bibleo game 🙄
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I still got it boys
I got the Top 4.47% on this English Vocabulary test
#i guessed the FUCK out of most of the last few though#the last ten? i dunno.#i was an avid reader as a kid#even now I love nothing more than to learn something new. like what a kerfuffle is.#like what kind of word is that?#anyways. what prev said.#I also feel like there's a point where you reach words that are archaic or barely exist#The point of language is to convey information clearly and concisely#Having people ask you what a word means because no one uses it anymore is not “concise” imo#<<<prevs tags#because yes you should say it. you should say it loud and clear actually.#a lot of people. especially Americans. are meant to feel stupid because of scored tests like this#when really it's just a contest of the nerds that still have something to prove#it's dumb. overvalued and underachieved. and that kills a lot of people's willingness to learn#i promise you.#if more people were congratulated on taking the time and effort to read when they were younger#we wouldn't be picking up scraps as adults to prove that we're good enough.#and that especially goes for kids with learning disabilities#disabilities suck in general. but having an INVISIBLE disability that so many people deem as fake and call you dumb ANYWAYS?#that's fucked up#i should know.#I've literally got a handful myself#so yeah. don't feel bad if your scores aren't high as fuck. you're still smart and good and all the good things.#you just probably didn't search the backends of the dictionary as a kid and that's OKAY.#if you're an ex gifted kid who's regressing and you don't score high as fuck that's OKAY.#you're probably a lot more focused on other shit than just learning a bunch of words. like. i don't know. bills? food? work?#obvs sorry to throw in an anti self hate program in here but like. prevs tags got me thinking and i figured i might as well reassure others#as well as myself.#because i definitely took this test thinking it'd define my entire world.#it will not.
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also while im complaining i have a like cut scrape thing (annie claw mishap. long story) on like the knuckle of my middle finger and like whatever its annoying but i can do the bandaid like. cutting it knuckle thing and that kiiiiind of works . but thats not the issue the issue is that obviously i have to wash my hands but its not a waterproof bandaid bc idt we have any so i have to take the bandaid off bc obviously i Have to wash my hands or ill go to hell forever and be an evil gross person but its also being wasteful of the bandaids which is also an evil thing to do. Pleaseee can they just get rid of this cut or at least move it somewhere where i dont have to worry about it PLEASE
#and im worried its gonna get infected or something i dont want that im always so worried abt that. which is funny bc as a kid i think every#single scrape and cut i ever got got infected DJDNJRNFJFNG . but i grt scared#and also bc if i let it get infected then thats a failing on my part also which is an evil action bc im supposed to be able to take care of#myself and if i get an infection that means im incompetent which means im evil. you understand. its all exhausting this is why i wish i#could just sleep through everything so i can make it shut up but even when i SLEEP my dreams r all like oooh connor your entire family is#going to die youuu have to save them or its your fault and even when i know its a dream and i try to be like I dont need to be so freaked#out rn im dreaming THEN im an evil person for wanting to not wake up in a comd sweat bc it just shows that i dont rly care abt my family at#all bc i want to not feel terrified abt an imaginary version of them dying. thats the real kicker with all of it is if i think Wow i wish i#wasnt freaking out about this then thats another thing that my brain can say makes me evil bc it just shows that i dont actually care at all#like if im like this is a stupid thing it would not be like. um. idk its always hard to think of examples that im allowed to say without#feeling like sharing them will make me evil . not that its like. pleaseeee understand what i mean here im not like. you know .#like. ok well just use the bandaids. if im like Oh i cant replace this bandaid bc its wasteful to use a whole other bandaid. so it would be#bad of me to be wasteful. and then i try to think Ok well the bandaids were bought to be used by everyone in the house and if i dont use a#bandaid my finger could be infected and it might become a serious issue and then my family will have to pay medical bills which makes it#even worse if i DONT replace the bandaid then my brain can be like Well the fact that youre trying to comfort yourself over wasting the#bandaid judt shows that you dont care at all abt being a drain on your family and it sjows that you are very selfish and greedy and a#parasite bc you are trying to avoid the guilt that you Should feel for being all of those things you see. and thats how it is and i hate it#and i knowww i knowwww its so fuckjng stupid i know its dumb and im being selfcentered by being in my own mind all of the time and i dont#want to be at all i dont want any of this but if i dont do everything that im supposed to do then that will just prove that i am a bad lazy#person who wants everybody to suffer and essentially. i think its a lost cause and i might just have to suffer forever. and its So dramatic#im so dramatic abt everything its not rly that bad its just me trying to be a good person i shouldnt Complain about wanting to be a good#person bc i want to be a good person . and if i dont want to be a good person that means i dont care abt other people and it makes me a bad#person which i donttt want to be. basically slams my head into things
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i need to stop wanting things, stop thinking about those things and recognize its just a fantasy. it never happens, stop sitting here crying and yearning for something that won't happen
#nobody is gonna hold you and say its alright. nobody is going to be gentle with you and tell you the trauma is real or valid#nobody is going to sit with you and hold you and prove the fears wrong. nobody is gonna be there.#nobody will see just how much this hurts#it shouldn't hurt. it shouldn't hurt#im used to it#im so fucking used to it. why do i still want to feel loved so badly#stupid stupid stupid oh my god. nobody is gonna be there like ur daydreams.#fuck. i say so many things and. get nothing#nobody is gonna be there n be gentle and quiet and prove that its safe#this happens every time#every single time. theres something wrong with me#theres something wrong with me#i wanna isolate again so bad. i wanna get hurt i wanna do something to myself#why is anybody still putting up with me. i mess everything up all the fucking time#why are they still with me#i don't understand#i dont.. get any of this#stupid stupid stupid oh my god
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