#tired husband

[joycrispy]

Awhile ago @ouidamforeman made this post:

This shot through my brain like a chain of firecrackers, so, without derailing the original post, I have some THOUGHTS to add about why this concept is not only hilarious (because it is), but also...

It. It kind of fucks. Severely.

And in a delightfully Pratchett-y way, I'd dare to suggest.

I'll explain:

As inferred above, both Crowley AND Aziraphale have canonical Biblical counterparts. Not by name, no, but by function.

Crowley, of course, is the serpent of Eden.

(note on the serpent of Eden: In Genesis 3:1-15, at least, the serpent is not identified as anything other than a serpent, albeit one that can talk. Later, it will be variously interpreted as a traitorous agent of Hell, as a demon, as a guise of Satan himself, etc. In Good Omens --as a slinky ginger who walks funny)

Lesser known, at least so far as I can tell, is the flaming sword. It, too, appears in Genesis 3, in the very last line:

"So he drove out the man; and placed at the east of the garden of Eden Cherubims, and a flaming sword which turned every way, to keep the way of the tree of life." --Genesis 3:24, KJV

Thanks to translation ambiguity, there is some debate concerning the nature of the flaming sword --is it a divine weapon given unto one of the Cherubim (if so, why only one)? Or is it an independent entity, which takes the form of a sword (as other angelic beings take the form of wheels and such)? For our purposes, I don't think the distinction matters. The guard at the gate of Eden, whether an angel wielding the sword or an angel who IS the sword, is Aziraphale.

(note on the flaming sword: in some traditions --Eastern Orthodox, for example-- it is held that upon Christ's death and resurrection, the flaming sword gave up it's post and vanished from Eden for good. By these sensibilities, the removal of the sword signifies the redemption and salvation of man.

...Put a pin in that. We're coming back to it.)

So, we have our pair. The Serpent and the Sword, introduced at the beginning and the end (ha) of the very same chapter of Genesis.

But here's the important bit, the bit that's not immediately obvious, the bit that nonetheless encapsulates one of the central themes, if not THE central theme, of Good Omens:

The Sword was never intended to guard Eden while Adam and Eve were still in it.

Do you understand?

The Sword's function was never to protect them. It doesn't even appear until after they've already fallen. No... it was to usher Adam and Eve from the garden, and then keep them out. It was a threat. It was a punishment.

The flaming sword was given to be used against them.

So. Again. We have our pair. The Serpent and the Sword: the inception and the consequence of original sin, personified. They are the one-two punch that launches mankind from paradise, after Hell lures it to destruction and Heaven condemns it for being destroyed. Which is to say that despite being, supposedly, hereditary enemies on two different sides of a celestial cold war, they are actually unified by one purpose, one pivotal role to play in the Divine Plan: completely fucking humanity over.

That's how it's supposed to go. It is written.

...But, in Good Omens, they're not just the Serpent and the Sword.

They're Crowley and Aziraphale.

(author begins to go insane from emotion under the cut)

In Good Omens, humanity is handed it's salvation (pin!) scarcely half an hour after losing it. Instead of looming over God's empty garden, the sword protects a very sad, very scared and very pregnant girl. And no, not because a blameless martyr suffered and died for the privilege, either.

It was just that she'd had such a bad day. And there were vicious animals out there. And Aziraphale worried she would be cold.

...I need to impress upon you how much this is NOT just a matter of being careless with company property. With this one act of kindness, Aziraphale is undermining the whole entire POINT of the expulsion from Eden. God Herself confronts him about it, and he lies. To God.

And the Serpent--

(Crowley, that is, who wonders what's so bad about knowing the difference between good and evil anyway; who thinks that maybe he did a GOOD thing when he tempted Eve with the apple; who objects that God is over-reacting to a first offense; who knows what it is to fall but not what it is to be comforted after the fact...)

--just goes ahead and falls in love with him about it.

As for Crowley --I barely need to explain him, right? People have been making the 'didn't the serpent actually do us a solid?' argument for centuries. But if I'm going to quote one of them, it may as well be the one Neil Gaiman wrote ficlet about:

"If the account given in Genesis is really true, ought we not, after all, to thank this serpent? He was the first schoolmaster, the first advocate of learning, the first enemy of ignorance, the first to whisper in human ears the sacred word liberty, the creator of ambition, the author of modesty, of inquiry, of doubt, of investigation, of progress and of civilization." --Robert G. Ingersoll

The first to ask questions.

Even beyond flattering literary interpretation, we know that Crowley is, so often, discreetly running damage control on the machinations of Heaven and Hell. When he can get away with it. Occasionally, when he can't (1827).

And Aziraphale loves him for it, too. Loves him back.

And so this romance plays out over millennia, where they fall in love with each other but also the world, because of each other and because of the world. But it begins in Eden. Where, instead of acting as the first Earthly example of Divine/Diabolical collusion and callousness--

(other examples --the flood; the bet with Satan; the back channels; the exchange of Holy Water and Hellfire; and on and on...)

--they refuse. Without even necessarily knowing they're doing it, they just refuse. Refuse to trivialize human life, and refuse to hate each other.

To write a story about the Serpent and the Sword falling in love is to write a story about transgression.

Not just in the sense that they are a demon and an angel, and it's ~forbidden. That's part of it, yeah, but the greater part of it is that they are THIS demon and angel, in particular. From The Real Bible's Book of Genesis, in the chapter where man falls.

It's the sort of thing you write and laugh. And then you look at it. And you think. And then you frown, and you sit up a little straighter. And you think.

And then you keep writing.

And what emerges hits you like a goddamn truck.

(...A lot of Pratchett reads that way. I believe Gaiman when he says Pratchett would have been happy with the romance, by the way. I really really do).

It's a story about transgression, about love as transgression. They break the rules by loving each other, by loving creation, and by rejecting the hatred and hypocrisy that would have triangulated them as a unified blow against humanity, before humanity had even really got started. And yeah, hell, it's a queer romance too, just to really drive the point home (oh, that!!! THAT!!!)

...I could spend a long time wildly gesturing at this and never be satisfied. Instead of watching me do that (I'll spare you), please look at this gif:

I love this shot so much.

Look at Eve and Crowley moving, at the same time in the same direction, towards their respective wielders of the flaming sword. Adam reaches out and takes her hand; Aziraphale reaches out and covers him with a wing.

You know what a shot like that establishes? Likeness. Commonality. Kinship.

"Our side" was never just Crowley and Aziraphale. Crowley says as much at the end of season 1 ("--all of us against all of them."). From the beginning, "our side" was Crowley, Aziraphale, and every single human being. Lately that's around 8 billion, but once upon a time it was just two other people. Another couple. The primeval mother and father.

But Adam and Eve die, eventually. Humanity grows without them. It's Crowley and Aziraphale who remain, and who protect it. Who...oversee it's upbringing.

Godfathers. Sort of.

[pinkravat-art]

wanted to draw em again

[fluentisonus]

i've seen several variations on this meme with legolas & gimli but no one but me gets which way around it should be it should be like this:

[captainkirkk]

I want to see characters being taken care of in an explicit and worshipful way. Home-cooked meals. Hair brushed and braided by gentle hands. Little gifts just because.

I want to read about characters who are not used to kindness being bombarded by acts of service. This trope works romantically and platonically. Give me found family and acts of service - all the ways a character is wrapped up in wordless, explicit care after years of cruelty and having no idea how to handle. I need it.

[fruittt-punchhh]

(18+, toji smut ahead)

was thinking about sleepy! toji all night lowkeyyyyy

like when he gets home and he’s so tired he doesn’t even greet you, just grumbles and huffs like the old man he is??? kicks off his stupid boots and takes off his sweaty shirt as he draaaaags his feet to the couch??

sleepy! toji who needs comfort in a way only you can give. so tired he doesn’t tell you what to do and doesn’t ask either.

sleepy! toji who grabs your ankles, pulling your legs sideways on the couch before he finds place between them, stomach flat on the couch as he takes in your scent through the panties he bought you last week.

sleepy! toji who pulls your panties to the side just enough to get his tongue on you, diving nose first into your heat as he drinks straight from the source.

sleepy! toji who’s too tired to care what he looks like, all sweaty and mangled from work, his face buried in your cunt just how he pictured earlier in his shift - the pure filth that he was tainting the beautiful image of you, lost in pleasure with your soft skin all blushed and slick with sweat, just for him.

sleepy! toji who’s even too tired to care what he sounds like, moaning like the slut he is at heart as he enjoys his long-awaited meal.

sleepy! toji who gives you no time to recover after your orgasm, pushing your legs up by your face before he pulls his heavy cock through his zipper.

sleepy! toji who fucks you rough into the couch in missionary - not a usual contender on his list of favorite positions. his words are slurred, all drunk and dazed from his exhaustion - “let me see my pretty girl’s face, yeah?” he says after you cover your face in your arms, embarrassed at the display of intimacy that was usually absent.

sleepy! toji who still, at his most intimate, has you arching off the couch with each orgasm as you scream cries of his name, leaving you feeling so loved and simultaneously so fucked out of your mind.

sleepy! toji who’s noises are so much more present than usual, moans all drawn-out and loud as he loses himself in your sex. he begs you to cum again for him with a ‘please’, a word you haven’t heard from him in months.

sleepy! toji who’s fully gone now, panting out breathy praises as he watches you take all of him so well.

“so fuckin’ good, honey”

“take me - mmph, so well”

“this pretty.. fuckin’ cunt’s gonna.. make me cum,”

“jesus… christ, y/n”

sleepy! toji who pumps his load deep into your guts, still fucking you with lazy drags of his hips as he stares at you, lip bitten and eyes hooded before he pushes into you fully to give you a kiss goodnight.

(sleepy! toji who actually finds a towel for you first this time, stripping his remaining clothes with a ‘you comin’, baby?’ as he heads upstairs)

(sleepy! toji who is def the lil’ spoon tonight)

[fakemichaelsheen]

-the bookshop-

aziraphale: *enters*

gabriel, smiling: hey, your spouse went to get coffee

aziraphale, nods: right. okay

aziraphale: ...

aziraphale, realises: what? crowley isn't my spouse

gabriel, chuckles: yeah, they are

aziraphale, insistent: no!

gabriel, matter-of-fact: well, you knew who I was talking about so *shrugs*

aziraphale, panicking: that- I don't- it's irrelevant

gabriel, mutters: you're irrelevant

aziraphale, folds his arms: for your information, crowley and I are above such basic human social conventions. what we have means so much more than that

gabriel, sighs wistfully: must be nice having a spouse

aziraphale, huffs: *walks off haughtily*

gabriel: :D

-later-

crowley, returning with coffee: angel?

gabriel, appears from behind a bookcase, continues dusting: your husband's in the back

crowley, heads to the back room: thanks

[sappho-hoziers-version]

At some point, probably:

Hannibal: Dearest Will, if God reached his cruel hand down from the heavens and altered me, shape and form, to something so minuscule, spineless, and inconsequential that death is but a summer’s morning, would your heart still beat in a language only the two of us speak?

Will: …

Will: Yes, Hannibal. I would still love you if you were a worm.

[dotpip]

Man

[its-kinda-snowy]

An evening in the parlour

[spteez]

did you have fun? 😁

[tk-duveraun]

I gotta make my own food around here. No one helps in this kitchen

SY transmigrates early, system beta test or something, does the wandering cultivator thing for a few decades, realizes the strays he picked up have formed a sect and he's the leader and no he doesn't get a choice in the matter

In terms of most powerful cultivators, SY is #10 in the cultivation world, but his sect is seen very poorly because, well, it's made up of strays and he encourages any noble kids to go to HHP because he needs to save his resources for kids who need him

Yue Qi and Shen Jiu get picked up by one of SY's staples and brought in. Their potential is insane and after a little training and researching current events he's pretty sure this "Yue" and "Shen" belong in CQM.

But it's already been 3 years. The boys aren't interested in sex yet, but they have been mommy-wife beamed thoroughly and fight him when he tells them he's made special arrangements with the CQM sect leader to accept them

He pulls the whole "Don't you want to be strong?" Schtick and they are not happy, but they are children and easily carried by a cultivator of his caliber

Shen Jiu swears revenge and SY breathes a sigh of relief that things are finally back on track.

But he misses them and tries to lose himself in traveling and oh no, this poor demonic snake is injured! (Fully juiced up by TLJ zzl just took snake form to lick his wounds more safely bc he's in the human realm) Zzl is fully prepared to transform and eat SY whole, but instead sy is very very gentle, asks permission before touching and coaxes the injured Zzl to last in the warm inside of his arm within his sleeve.

Sadly, Zzl has duties to his lord once he's healed, but he'll be back for this cultivator. Blah blah, plot happens, SY scoops up baby bingy (and the washer woman) and plants them in his sect, intending to send LBH off to CQM at the appropriate time.

He realizes his interference might have made SJ less of an asshole in general, but he DID swear revenge so maybe that's the angle the abuse will take.

Joke's on him, the first thing YQY does when the Qing generation steps up is strong arm SY into an alliance marriage. Shen Jiu becomes first wife.

(YQY isn't legally married for political reasons, but as SJ explains while dragging him into the marital bed, they are a set)

Zzl actively seeks SY out for help with TLJ and while SY can't do anything about that, he fishes up a plot amulet that gives Zzl free shapeshifting.

Zzl insists marriage is the only way to repay SY (tlj's advice) and eventually SY caves.

Wife count: 3

LQG has never met SY but heard rumors about him being a celestial fairy or wherever, so he's concerned SJ is treating him poorly and follows SJ to his marital sect. He catches SY on the way out to hunt some great beast

Wife count: 4

[gooseinsoup]

save me nanny ashtoreth.... save me

saw this dress on instagram and then the worms in my brain took over :D

if anyone has a dress theyd like to suggest to see a femziraphale in... send it thru my askbox or dms cause im on the hunt too :3

[sentientsky]

breaking news: local divorced not-man is having a terrible fucking time

[nibbelraz]

sqh has two god powers. accidentally changing the world by saying something, and any time he's more stressed than he can physically take anymore he pulls a bocchi scream. glitch effect and all. "Shang-shixiong, why don't you meet with other sect leaders? What do you think, sect leader?" "Oh yes, our trade and intersect reputation could benefit greatly from- SHANG SHIDI?????" nightmare fuel situation. he acts 100% fine when they say he doesnt have to, like it never happened.

IM ACTUALLY SO OBSESSED WITH THE IDEA HE'S DOING A BOCCHI SCREAM WHEN HE'S TOO OVERWHELMED OR DOESNT WANT TO DO STUFF ANON THIS IS EVERYTHING TO ME

He's just a little tired, nothing like an all-powerful god screeching to inhuman levels that beings can't comprehend

[cherrytastiq]

hello :] if u r still taking requests can i get one (1) sam (sam and max) being ouppy. Thank you and have a good day :]]

have a good day too, anon ^_^

[lilidawnonthemoon]