#those things all have to coexist for this end to feel satisfying

[cobaltperun]

Darkest Part (2) - Narcissistic Cannibal

Astrid Deetz x female Reader

Summary: You will never, in life or afterlife, if such a thing exists, meet anyone as infuriating, rage inducing, entitled, or frankly awful, as Astrid fucking Deetz. There isn’t a single thing you’d like more than to never be around her, but as your luck would have it, you just can’t stay away from her.

Masterlist / Previous Part / Next Part

Word count: 3.9k

-And you're so cynical, narcissistic cannibal-

Of all the ridiculously asinine things that could have ever happened to you, of all the ways your day, no, forget day, your entire week could go wrong, it just had to be related to the one person you despised. And it was such a nice day as well, sunny, warm, but not hot, pleasant breeze, perfect for doing anything you wanted, but no, no, you just had to spend it with her.

“I can’t believe I’m doing this with you,” the chihuahua said through gritted teeth. Even like that her voice just got on your nerves, all soft and tender and pleasant to the ear. If only it didn’t belong to someone like her.

“I’d agree with you, but that would just make me sick,” you spat, packing the promotional material that would be used for Delia’s day long art workshop at Astrid’s high school. Perks of donating a whole damn building to the school!

Astrid glared at you as she wrapped the figures Delia was going to bring along. It was Delia’s brilliant idea, to basically force her granddaughter to help through her and Lydia’s influence over the principal. And you had to admit, she hated being here for more than one reason. Which made you feel a bit better, because you hated being here for only one reason, that reason being the girl on the other side of the room. So, by some ridiculous logic you had it better, since you had fewer reasons to hate being here. “Wouldn’t that make my day,” she said under her breath, without a hint of remorse.

“Right back at you,” you didn’t even try to whisper it, no, you made it clear you heard her and wished the same thing upon her.

“Being sick would make your day? Somehow that doesn’t surprise me,” she actually smirked at you as you blinked, rewinding the last exchange and closing your eyes.

Fuck!

“I didn’t- that’s not- ah, fuck this,” you cursed, giving up arguing about this. She was so freakishly smart you figured you’d just be wasting your breath arguing about it.

Astrid had that ridiculous, satisfied grin on her damn face and you just, you just threw your hands up in the air. She got you there. And you hated the feeling, you hated it so much you nearly got into an argument with her just for the sake of your pride. Only to remember she’d likely throw an entire thesaurus at you and confuse you because that was just what she did!

Somehow you figured it was worth it.

You firmly believed there were some things that were just plain and simply true, and one of those things was that you and Astrid Deetz could never, under any circumstances, peacefully coexist. Everything between you was too volatile, too prone to explosive arguments or constant negativity.

Right at that moment the door opened, preventing you from restarting the argument, and Delia bounced in, all pumped and happy, and almost too pleased. Those rarely ended well for you if you were being honest. “Astrid! How nice to see you came to help me!” oh, this woman was either the most oblivious, self-centered woman you’ve ever met, or she just loved pushing everyone’s buttons. You’ve been working for her for some time now, and that was still the unsolvable mystery.

“You could have at least spared me from working with her, but no, it’s not enough that I have to be here,” Astrid complained with a deep scowl on her face, the previous satisfaction long forgotten. She didn’t even pause packing the figures to greet the woman.

“We apologize, your majesty, for keeping you away from your important business,” you mocked, only to be met with a fierce glare. Astrid most definitely glared at you, a lot, but never like this, never with this much intensity and anger.

She opened her mouth and then very obviously changed her mind, dropping her gaze and focusing on the task in front of her. “Not like you’d care,” she muttered under her breath. “Either of you.”

Delia, who was getting her mug, clearly heard that. “There’s a climate change conference coming up in a few months and Astrid here is heavily involved in preparations, some of which happen to be today,” you abruptly turned when Delia said that and then turned toward Astrid, who now had an even deeper scowl on her face.

You frowned, perhaps for the first time properly looking at the girl. You very passionately hated her, so you rarely took notice of the little details, but you could see her lower lip, slightly swollen from chewing on it, probably since she was so frustrated and angry. You saw some blisters on her palms, and the way she winced, they were probably caused by the tree planting you attended a few days ago. You hated her, but you didn’t hate her that much. “Go bark orders at someone else chihuahua, I’ll wrap this up,” you still didn’t have it in you to openly tell her to go and do what she cares about.

She froze, looking at you with unconcealed mistrust and disbelief, as if you just grew a couple of heads on your back and torso. That’s how bizarre you were in her eyes right now. She studied you, not saying a word, or even moving. How could she be so still?! It was unsettling! And her gaze was way too intense! “Tch, barnacle,” she scoffed but still grabbed her things and rushed outside.

“Forget chihuahua, she’s a whole damn zoo…” you could feel your eye was twitching as you watched the closed door. Were you expecting a thank you? No, not really. This was Astrid Deetz after all. You still expected something more decent than an insult!

“You do know this is a job for two people and that now you’ll be working overtime, right?” Delia asked as if she was asking about the weather, and not if you knew you were in for a long day. And you knew, of course you fucking knew.

You just, well you were passionate about climate change as well, and even you could tell Astrid cared about it. It was for the greater good! Nothing else. “I’ll get it done,” you sighed, doubling your efforts to at least try and get it done in reasonable time.

“Hugging trees won’t do much though,” Delia commented as she finished making her coffee, more to herself, than to you. “The sooner she focuses of something else, the better for her,” that was something you noticed about Delia. She was fairly supportive of green architecture, figuring it was a good thing to be interested in, blending the good intentions and profitable career together. She disagreed with Astrid’s approach, strongly believing that if Astrid didn’t come from a rich family, she wouldn’t be able to be so idealistic about her activism.

You closed the box and carried it to the side before grabbing a sticker and writing ‘promo material’ on it. “She’s a chihuahua,” you slapped the sticker onto the box and said, just like you did when Delia first told you her opinion on Astrid’s climate change activism.

Delia laughed, long, loud and genuine laughter filled the room as she sat at her laptop. “Or you could just for once admit that you have a tiny soft spot for my granddaughter and firmly believe that she is so stubborn she would still be doing this even if she wasn’t rich enough to not work a day in her life and had to life off of tree hugging salary,” she spoke complete and utter nonsense. The most ridiculous, outrageous, misinterpretation of your words.

“Bullshit, respectfully, bullshit,” you denied it, having no idea how anyone could see anything but hatred between you and that chihuahua. Tiny soft spot? Ridiculous! The only soft spot you had for anything related to Astrid was reserved for her mother who had the misfortune of having Astrid for daughter.

Nothing else!

Not now!

Not ever!

~X~

You were hunched over a small empty table in the library, shading your latest drawing with utmost focus. It was a detailed drawing of the Colosseum, and it was a fairly good drawing if you could say so yourself. Summer vacation would soon end, and you that meant one thing! You would soon be free from the chihuahua! Hopefully by the time she comes back or comes to visit her grandparents you’d be gone, never to see her again!

“Oh, I’m going to celebrate when she leaves,” you actually giggled, you felt giddy at the mere thought of never seeing Astrid Deetz again.

“You sound like you won the lottery,” Alex sighed, genuinely puzzled by your excitement over Astrid leaving. You, on the other hand, disagreed with him, you didn’t sound like you won the lottery, you were fairly sure you if someone offered winning the lottery and never seeing the damn chihuahua again you’d take never seeing her again.

A dumb choice, backed merely by the reasoning that no one would ever make you choose between the two, but still, that’s why you could so casually say it.

Alex though. He was blind. Blinded by her… something you wouldn’t even dare to think about.

“I’m not blinded by her beauty, by the way,” he pointed out, as if reading your thoughts, and you, as startled as you were, flinched, your hand pressing down, causing you to pierce the paper with your pencil and tear through it. “Shit, I’m sorry about that, Y/N,” Alex quickly apologized when he noticed the drawing was ruined.

You watched the torn paper for a few seconds, mind completely blank, as if you couldn’t properly process what happened to hours of work in mere seconds. “I was just practicing anyway,” you sighed, tossing the drawing into the trach can before patting your guilt-stricken friend on the back. “Don’t worry about it, I��ll just take a ten-minute break to stretch a bit.”

“Sure,” but he still looked at the drawing on top of the trash.

You knew you’d need to cheer him up, but first you really needed to go into the storage and stretch a bit, you’ve been sitting for hours. The storage room was big, as every library storage room should be, you kept spare copies, some books that were more difficult to come by, and things like that there, and there was still plenty of space to just stretch a bit, do a couple of exercises and walk, just to get the blood pumping. So, you did just that, bouncing lightly on your feet followed by a couple of basic stretching exercises.

“There, that feels better,” you muttered to yourself, feeling the tension in your muscles somewhat fading.

When you came back you saw her… the one indirectly responsible for the mistake you made. Standing here, talking to Alex, all angry? At Alex? Since when did that happen?

“She’s so…” Astrid seemed to be trembling with rage as she glared at some piece of paper in her hand. You doubted she got that enraged at anyone but you.

“I’m so what?” you walked back out and she looked back, about as startled as you were when Alex basically called her beautiful. Her cheeks turned red from the anger, and she shoved the paper into her bag.

“Vexatious!” she actually yelled and stormed out of the library.

“Another word to Google?” Alex snickered like the troublemaker he was. Whatever happened while you were on a break lifted his spirits and it looked like he was no longer grieving over your drawing.

You sat down and glared, you wanted to know what he did or said to cause that kind of reaction, but you would rather be locked in a room with that chihuahua than ask him. You still Googled the stupid word Astrid threw at you. “Tch,” you cold feel your eye twitching; she just called you annoying.

~X~

Annoying. Pain in her ass. The most frustrating person she ever met. The only person in the world that infuriated her more than her own mother, and a year ago she would have thought that was impossible!

And, as much as she despised admitting, a damn good artist.

Astrid stared at the slightly torn drawing, hating herself for noticing it. She went to throw her coffee cup into the can, and there it was. A detailed, drawn entirely by pencil and perfectly shaded, drawing of the Colosseum, just lying there. She was drawn to it, drawn to the precise lines, the chosen perspective gave the historical building a larger than life feel to it, and the lighting only enhanced that feeling.

She wanted to see more of them. More of the works whoever drew this made. She wanted to talk to them, find out what inspired them to draw this.

And then Alex made her desires shrivel up and die.

It was you.

Of course it was you.

"Barnacle," she muttered, now cursing you for ruining something like this with a moment of carelessness. Astrid leaned back on her chair, for a moment glancing at the framed photo of her and her dad, her most treasured possession. She looked so happy back then, they had so many plans, yet they never got the chance. He would have told her to do as her heart demands, and she hated what her heart was demanding right now. She carefully flipped the drawing and taped it together, making sure the tear wasn't visible.

You just... annoyed her so much she couldn't stand it.

~X~

When you came to work at the library tomorrow you saw your drawing on the table. Fixed.

"What the?" you looked at Alex, confused, hoping maybe he had an explanation.

"Your chihuahua," was all he said, and you just stared blankly at the fixed drawing. "And she knew it was yours, by the way," Alex had a shit eating grin on his face as your trembling fingers picked up the drawing.

Why couldn't your fingers stop trembling?

She just... she fixed it. You could see how much care she put into lining the paper up, making sure the tear was as concealed as possible. "What the fuck? The fuck did she do this for?" you asked, bewildered by her decision to do this knowing the drawing belonged to you. Hell, if anyone asked you ten minutes ago you would have willing to bet anything on her actually tearing it apart.

Okay, maybe that was harsh of you. But you were certain she wouldn't care about it, wouldn't even spare a glance. Yet she fixed it! "I need to thank her," the words you spoke felt foreign, your throat dry, it all felt surreal.

Alex had this look in his eyes, like he was sorry for something. "Tough luck buddy, she went back to school, she's gone."

Fuck! Where were cliche tropes of catching someone just before they leave when you needed them the most?!

~X~

Months passed since that day, since Astrid left for another year at her private boarding school. Your life returned to the way it was before you met her, same old routine, two jobs, art classes, taking care of your mother. You still didn’t dare to go to college, to take the chance without any safety net. You were nervous, worried that you weren’t good enough, that you’d try, end up being disappointed and you just couldn’t risk it. Not yet.

 You’ve been working overtime due to Delia’s newest idea, the human canvas, honestly you were looking forward to resting, since Delia promised a whole week off after everything was finished. After all, you did hell of a job with the logistics and promotion and all the technical stuff.

Delia was currently standing half a dozen feet away from you, getting ready for the next performance when her phone rang. Nothing new there, you were used to it and mostly tuned her out as she spoke on the phone.

“What?!” she screamed making you jump and turn to her, startled. It sounded like someone just published a harsh criticism of her work, but a single look at her face going as white as a sheet made it clear it was much, much worse. “No,” she swayed on her feet and you quickly set the pen you’ve been holding down and caught her just as she lost her balance and crumbled into your arms.

“Shit!” you failed to properly catch her and couldn’t get a firm grip on her, forcing you to lower her down to the floor and hold her up like that.

"Charles!" Delia screamed, loud, heartbroken, shattered by the news, and you didn't need confirmation to know what had happened. She dropped her phone and you just barely managed to catch it as she grabbed onto your shoulder and cried, her manicured nails digging through your shirt and making you wince as she bawled.

You let her hold onto you, silent as she cried, screaming for her husband and staining your shirt with tears and mascara. You didn’t know Charles all that well, having mostly worked with Delia, but you were sorry he was gone.

“He left me!” she shouted and you froze, looking down at the woman that was still crying.

“Left? Like a divorce?” you asked, now not quite sure if you got things mixed up. Wouldn’t be the first time it happened with Delia.

Delia stopped crying and pulled away from you. “That would be even worse! No, he’s dead, got killed by a shark,” she said it so casually.

“That would be even worse?” you couldn’t help it, you repeated her sentence, baffled as she screamed her late husband’s name once more. Him leaving would have been even worse? How? You just sighed, not even trying to wrap your head around this, seeing as thinking about it for too long might cause you to come to certain conclusions.

“Get ready, Y/N, we’re going to Winter River, we’ll be there for a few weeks!” Delia abruptly decided and you whipped your head in her direction.

“WHAT?!” surely she didn’t just ask that of you. You had another job here! A mother that needed to be taken care of!

Somehow she considerably calmed down, and much quicker than you anticipated. “You won’t leave a grieving widow to manage all of that herself, right?” oh, oh she was great at this emotional manipulation, and you were falling for it like a sucker. You went to speak, to reject this. You were her assistant for her art projects, not for funeral arrangements, especially if it meant leaving behind everything else for weeks to do it.

But she did just lose her husband… and she wasn’t a bad boss, just kind of self-centered most of the time. “One week, not a day more,” you offered, firm, unmoving, standing your ground. “Mom needs me,” you said before she could counter and demand more from you.

Delia thought it over and then, miraculously, nodded. “Good enough,” that actually surprised you and you watched her as she took her phone, likely to contact Lydia. “Go get days off, we’re leaving today.”

“Yes ma’am,” you nodded, already thinking of ways to get days off on an extremely short notice. And then a single thought popped into your head. You’d have to spend a week not only with Delia and Lydia, but Rory and Astrid as well!

“Fuck!” you cursed as you stepped outside, already dreading the upcoming disaster of a week ahead of you. As if Astrid wasn’t enough now you had to deal with Lydia’s manipulative boyfriend and all you could really hope for at this point was that you could ignore them.

~X~

The drive to Astrid’s high school was less of a torture than you anticipated. Rory mostly ignored you, like he usually did, and somehow he wasn’t a complete insufferable asshole. He was uncharacteristically silent, well, other than the bit about losing his grandfather 40 years ago. That was… classic Rory actually.

What you weren’t prepared for was Delia deciding to tell Astrid the news herself, when the grumpy chihuahua refused to answer Lydia’s calls. You watched from the back seat, horrified when Delia walked up, not to the front door, but to the side of the building where you guessed Astrid’s room was.

“Astrid!” your eyes widened, and you actually couldn’t believe what was going on as Delia screamed Astrid’s name at the top of her lungs.

“Oh, no,” Lydia whispered, shaking her head in disbelief as she watched the disaster unfold.

“Stop torturing your mother!” Delia yelled and you actually felt sorry for Astrid, you felt a real, genuine, empathy for the girl because the scene unfolding in front of your eyes was downright humiliating. Astrid looking down at Delia from her window while dozens of students looked on either from their own windows or from where they were in the front yard of the dormitory.

“Your mommy lost her daddy! You lost your grandpa! And I lost my…” Delia paused and you bit your tongue, hoping, despite knowing the woman, that she would just say her husband or something. “…horny handyman, Charles.”

No…

No!

She did not just say it like that!

“I’m so sorry chihuahua,” you whispered under your breath, just quiet enough for it not to be heard by anyone as Delia screamed Charles’ name once more.

~X~

Ten minutes later you were with Rory in the car as Lydia went to join Delia and Astrid outside and you found yourself looking at the girl. There she was, the menace. The bane of your existence. The very girl you despised more than anyone else in the world and who despised you just as much. Truly you were forced to admit that such mutual hatred was hard to come by. And here you thought her fixing your drawing would make those feelings fade a bit, but now that you were looking at her again you figured you were wrong.

You still despised the girl, and the random act of kindness did little to change that.

“There she is, the morbid freak,” Rory muttered under his breath. He definitely didn’t like Astrid, being the manipulator that was taking advantage of Lydia and knowing Astrid saw right through him must have infuriated him.

“Shut it,” you punched the back of his seat with enough force to make him wince and turn to look at you.

That sick, manipulative smile on his face was back. “Come on, Y/N, you hate her, don’t go complaining about me saying what you think,” he tried to appeal to you, to get you to agree with him just to get that sense of power and control. Your feelings for the youngest Deetz were your own, non-reliant on the way other people viewed her. You had personal reasons for disliking Astrid, and you had no desire to fuel his narcissistic tendencies. Not to mention, as much as you disliked Astrid there was something about his word choice that you couldn’t get behind.

And agreeing with Rory and giving him what he wanted would just make you feel sick, so that was yet another reason not to agree. “Only I get to insult that chihuahua, also, she is not a morbid freak,” you paused. “Okay, just freak. She is not a freak. She is morbid, but not a freak,” you corrected as you glared at the man. You might actually hate him more than you hated Astrid, and that was hell of an accomplishment.

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Masterlist / Previous Part / Next Part

[bookishdaze]

Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes Review. More like Rambling and Word Vomiting.

I saw it last night. Finally. After so long!

I personally thought it was good, and a solid addition to the POTA franchise. I don't think it's better than Dawn or War, but I'm willing to bet that by the time the full trilogy is out, Kingdom is gonna be looked back upon as a good beginning to Noa and Mae's story, the same way Rise, despite being most people's least favorite of the Caesar trilogy, is still an amazing intro to Caesar's story.

Some nitpicks. Despite the movie being 2.5 hours long, I felt like the final act came too fast? Like, I understand what people meant with the pacing issue. Suddenly we were in the 3rd act and I was like "Wait, we're here? It's done?"

Now, onto the characters! Let the fangirling commence!

Noa

I loved seeing how his journey and character started and where he ends by the end of the movie.

Him going from "That is the law" to "That is the law. But the law is wrong" was so satisfying.

And him being able to call the eagles to him by the end was great to see. By the way, THE SINGING SCENE WITH THE EAGLES???? LIKE???? It could've been so corny but I LOVED IT???

I'm so glad this movie answered the question of whether apes can sing. Yeah, I know they are only humming, but I'LL TAKE IT. APES CAN SING. YESSSS!

He was just a really nice character to follow. I can't wait to see how he'll be like in the next movie after the events of this one transformed him.

I also think he is the kind of protagonist we need after Caesar. I love Caesar, but Noa is....hmm, I guess you could say softer? More naive? I'm sure he'll get tougher as the movies progress like Caesar did, but I like this change.

Mae

I am a Mae defender. Yes, she did betray Noa in the end. I expected her to tbh. And I understand why she did it. She was right in that Proximus getting his hands on those weapons would've been disastrous.

She has probably been taught all her life nothing but bad things about the apes. She was not going to switch sides just because she met Noa. We still got two whole movies after this. She probably won't have her "redemption" until the 3rd movie. I can honestly go on rambling about her, but I'd rather save that for another separate post.

Raka

I really like him. He's great and funny. I love seeing how he talks about humans and his hopes for humans and apes.

Right before he dies, he reminds Noa "Together, strong." His final words and his necklace as a gift to Noa serve as a reminder. A reminder of a hopeful future where apes and humans can coexist. (And then Noa passing along that same necklace to Mae? Bringing a reminder of that hope for peace into her world? Ugh. So good.)

Also, "He was my village." LIKE. DID HE LOSE HIS PARTNER? MY HEART.

Proximus

I thought he was cool. He gave my mother and I a jump scare at the dinner scene where he slams his fist. Also, the way he was just in awe of the gun after Lightning dies. He has his priorities.

Soona and Anaya

Those two were so cute, and I loved their friendship with Noa.

Anaya broke my heart. In the beginning at the tunnel scene, he's all like "Anaya is not scared." But at Proximus's kingdom, he looks terrified at the dinner scene, and before he goes on the mission to climb the wall, he goes "Anaya is scared" and didn't want to go. Poor guy. He pulled through in the end though.

Although *puts on tinfoil hat* this makes me wonder if this foreshadows how his fear will lead him to make a big mistake in the future movies. Similar to what happened with Winter.

Soona was so sweet. Although I'm disappointed we didn't get more of her with Noa. I saw an interview where Soona's actress described a moment where after they are reunited, they kind of make known their feelings for each other or something like that. But...it didn't happen?

Mae and Noa

Alrighty, I'm gonna briefly put on my shipping goggles on, bear with me, because one has to be a teensy bit delusional for this type of stuff, BUT....

I sensed a....vibe? Not a romantic vibe. They are nowhere close to that yet. But I felt like there were tropes and scenes between them that simply imply a romantic path is a possible direction for their relationship. I will make a separate post about them. I wanna wrap this up, lol.

The ending

I liked the ending. It has me so excited for the future of this trilogy. Now that the humans are able to communicate with others, what will this mean? How will Mae be torn between her people and the apes? Same with Noa? I need to know naooooo

8.5/10 stars (I ain't done rambling about this movie yet. But it's my birthday, and I gotta go out and have some dinner, hehe).

[themculibrary]

Mutual Pining Masterlist 2

part one

Casual Encounters (ao3) - MoreThanSlightly (cadignan) steve/bucky E, 66k

Summary: “You have never once been careful in your entire life.” Bucky huffs out a laugh. He looks away. “Maybe I’m offended you didn’t think to ask me.” He says it like a joke, but he can’t bring himself to laugh again.

“Bucky,” Steve says, scandalized. “You’re my friend. I’m not gonna use you to experiment sexually.”

Eight Paws, Two Tails, One Heart (ao3) - BlueSimplicity steve/bucky E, 216k

Summary: The biggest lies are usually the ones we tell ourselves, and Steve has been telling lots of lies, especially lately. That in spite of how he can’t stop chewing his fingernails bloody, the never ending nightmares chasing him out of bed, and the way merely seeing ice sends him into a panic, he’s fine.

But when his latest mission with The Avengers goes horribly wrong, Steve can no longer keep lying, not even to himself.

Diagnosed with PTSD and placed on medical leave, initially Steve is resentful, stubbornly refusing the idea there’s anything that can make it better. Until Sam suggests a Service Dog, and introduces him to James Buchanan Barnes, a fellow vet and trainer who swears one of his dogs can help, if only Steve can summon enough bravery to take a leap of faith and accept a four-legged companion in his life.

What follows is a long and winding journey of fear, doubt and self-recrimination. But also hope, acceptance and redefining what it means to be a hero, as Steve finally faces the issues that have been haunting him his entire life.

There is also a lot of fur, conversations with dogs, and a cross-country road trip, as Steve rebuilds his life and maybe, just maybe, falls in love along the way.

Falling Into You (ao3) - sabrecmc M, 53k

Summary: Tony and Steve end up as fuck buddies after the events of The Winter Soldier until Steve calls it off. When Loki’s spell wipes all of Steve’s memories since the last time Loki was in town, Tony decides it will be so much easier to just not tell Steve they had something of a relationship. Spoiler: It isn’t.

Or, how Steve fell in love with Tony and forgot about it, and how Tony fell in love with Steve and realized it.

Five Years, What A Surprise (ao3) - MuppetMolly nebula/rokcket, pepper/tony T, 65k

Summary: Snap.

It was just the two of them. A daughter of Thanos and the loneliest creature in the galaxy.

What a pair.

hey, did you hear who got hitched? (ao3) - ishipallthings steve/tony T, 3k

Summary: The only thing more awkward than meeting an alternate dimension version of yourself and your co-team-leader slash friend slash crush slash the current bane of your existence is meeting an alternate dimension version of yourself and the said bane of your existence in front of your entire team, who all saw the both of you making out at a party a few days ago.

Isn’t Tony a lucky bastard?

imgonnagetyouback (ao3) - Spider_enthusiast steve/tony, bucky/natasha M, 8k

Summary: “Your nightmare. You wanna talk about it?”

Steve stared at his lap. “Siberia.”

Tony was quiet. Then he leaned forward and kissed his forehead. “Go back to sleep, Steve. You need it. You’re a mess.”

Usually that would be an insult. But Tony said it in a way that made him feel warm.

“You want me to stay?”

Yes. “I’ll be okay.” Steve knew if Tony stayed he wouldn’t be able to help himself.

just say you do (ao3) - biblionerd07 steve/bucky T, 173k

Summary: Steve just wanted a job. He wasn’t expecting a marriage proposal. And he certainly wasn’t expecting to accept.

Keep Me Satisfied (ao3) - Kotias logan/wade E, 8k

Summary: Logan launched forward and his fist landed against Deadpool’s forehead, again, again and again, his claws slipping in and out of those flimsy bones and spraying what felt like the entirety of his opponent’s blood into the Honda and over the COEXIST sticker in the back.

Now, hm, no.

Let me… there you go, mask’s back on, so you know it’s serious business. Hey, dear audience, I am your beloved Deadpool—now better known as Marvel Jesus, ey? Heh. Anyways, I wanted to pause on this trainwreck of a scene, because I see you filthy fans, and let me tell you this: I. agree. Let’s be real… would. Right?

Like a Hozier Song (ao3) - BurdenedWithPointlessPurpose frank/matt M, 5k

Summary: Matt never expected for Frank Castle to end up on his couch for months on end. He’d never expected to make a home with him, but nothing is as he’d planned. Life isn’t neat like that and his friend gets that more than anyone else ever has. It’s the reason he’s a little sweet on his friend… like the Hozier songs the guy likes to sing.

Omega Interrupted (ao3) - pandafish steve/bucky E, 80k

Summary: Bucky isn't a normal omega. He hasn't hit his first proper heat yet, but still it feels like he's in an almost constant state of heat. His sexual dysfunction causes the omega boarding school where he goes to send him to a clinic meant to deal with this stuff - a massive brick mansion in the middle of the beautiful woods. When Dr Steve Rogers, expert in omega medicine, sees Bucky however he's perplexed. He's never seen an omega with this particular problem before, especially not in someone so young.

So Steve decides to take him in, and since he doesn't quite know how to treat him, he just needs to experiment. And soon Bucky finds himself spending his days strapped to a chair or bench being subjected to all kinds of pleasurable machines and medical treatments by a very handsome alpha doctor...

Privacy (ao3) - Anonymous bucky/clint M, 3k

Summary: The tower liked to believe they worked on a ‘don’t ask questions if you don’t want the answers’ policy, and both Bucky and Clint take that as a excuse to cause trouble the moment they find out two people in particular seem unable to keep out of everyone else’s business.

So You've Got a Crush on Captain America (ao3) - what_they_said sam/bucky E, 8k

Summary: Bucky Barnes would like to know where he can sign up to sleep with Sam Wilson?

"Take Care of Your Heart, Mobius" (ao3) - beanbabesee loki/mobius T, 74k

Summary: Mobius M. Mobius is a chronically stressed single dad who is in desperate need of a break and a boyfriend. Luckily for him, when a mysteriously handsome bookshop owner named Loki opens his store across the street, sparks fly and they grow closer than ever over the next few months. Loki is quick to learn that Mobius is far too kind for his own good and he often takes on more than he can handle for the people he cares about.

As much as Mobius might've thought he'd been succeeding in managing things on his own, he seemed to be neglecting one of the most important things:

Himself.

The truth is, his health was declining. He didn't even know about it until an in-depth checkup with their family doctor. All of the extra stress he's been going through in his daily life had been taking a serious toll on his body. After getting prescribed a stay-cation at home, Mobius struggles to unwind. When a stubborn panic attack strikes, Loki takes it upon himself to care for Mobius and help him learn to relax.

The Kid Behind The Mask (ao3) - inkinmyheartandonthepage tony/stephen G, 39k

Summary: Peter Parker never wanted the Avenger’s to find out his identity – especially Tony Stark and Stephen Strange who had become his mentors/father figures. When a cold snap hit’s New York, Peter finds himself in trouble.

The (Not So) Great Pretender (ao3) - bucky/tony T, 19k

Summary: “What,” Tony says softly but with a great depth of feeling, “the actual fuck just happened?”

“I believe, Sir,” JARVIS pipes up from the phone in his pocket, an unnecessary amount of what sounds like glee in his voice, “that you’ve once again managed to maintain your closely guarded secret identity. Truly your subterfuge skills know no bounds.“

“You’re an asshole J,” Tony mutters back as he reaches up to rub at his temple. He either has a headache coming on or a blood clot. At this point he’s honestly not sure which he’d prefer.

"I did learn from the best, Sir,” JARVIS tells him sunnily.

Thirty-Eight Days and Counting (ao3) - thecommodore_squid (orphan_account) steve/bucky, clint/natasha M, 40k

Summary: It didn’t escape him that Steve shared his assumed last name. “Are you gonna be my cousin?” Bucky asked dully.

Steve frowned. “Husband, actually,” he said easily, holding up his left hand to show a typical golden band.

Bucky scowled and closed the door.

AKA An AU in which Bucky is put in the witness protection program and Steve is the agent hired to protect him/pretend to be his husband.

Unexpected visit (ao3) - noe3489 sam/bucky N/R, 11k

Summary: Sam is fixing some damage to his family's boat when he receives an unexpected visit

War, Children (ao3) - Nonymos steve/bucky E, 106k

Summary: After Bucky was released from the hospital, it only took him a couple of weeks to give up on himself. Difficult to believe in any kind of future when the simple act of staying alive was almost too big an effort.

Out the frosted window, across the street, there was a tiny homeless guy burrowing under an awning.

watching you, watching me (ao3) - HadrianPeverellBlack, Kalee60 steve/bucky T, 5k

Summary: Steve had always watched Bucky.

From the moment they met there was something about James Buchanan Barnes that caught Steve’s eye, his attention…his everything.

But Bucky was his friend, nothing more, nothing less. So Steve buried his feelings as best he could, happy to steal glances and observe Bucky living his life undetected. Or so he thought.

Or the five times Steve was caught watching Bucky and the one time Bucky noticed.

we got love sure enough (ao3) - ziphiidae logan/wade M, 30k

Summary: There’s something about the mundane that wrestles with Logan’s mind far more than violence ever has. He’s already proven to himself that he can be a hero. Now it’s time to prove he can once again be someone worthy of trust on a far more personal level. ___

Or, Logan and Wade's bumpy road to domesticity.

[dwarf-vader-of-middle-earth]

Me growing up and realizing my robot story is literally how I coped growing into an adult and coming to terms with being disabled, gay, trans, and having PTSD.

In my first draft of Mechtyra, the main character, Alex Sendale, is inside the castle when he suddenly feels his chest tighten, his breathing is restricted, he feels sweaty and hot and cold, and he literally doubles over with emotion, then stands up entirely confused just seconds later, and forgets why he was feeling this way at all. I was around 13 when I wrote that scene, and had never heard the term "panic attack". So I didn't use it, I simply put into great detail what Alex felt and experienced, and how it affected him.

For the entire time leading up to the turning point of the novel, Alex receives nightmares. Constantly. Every time he sleeps. They're of his personal shame, his failures, and the very one who caused them all to happen. This entity haunts Alex relentlessly, and he never feels free, and he fears going to sleep to the point he'll stay awake for days at a time until his body literally collapses in exhaustion and he sleeps against his will. I had no idea these were symptoms of PTSD when I was 12 years old, but it's what I was going through. So without terminology, I once again wrote in extreme detail how Alex experienced fear that pierced his very soul and mind and paralyzed him. And eventually he stands up, he learns to fight back against his personified shame and regret, in the form of the entity that appears in his nightmares each night. The big finish of the novel is Alex facing this thing in reality, alongside his friends, who've helped him all this way to become stronger and learn to fight, and he lands the killing blow, defeating the creature once and for all. This is me defeating my inner demons, and recovering. Saying I won't let the past control me and dictate my future, therein affecting the futures of those around me.

Alex finds his home on Mechtyra, with Mechtyrians, and finds that he relates to them more than Humans. And in multiple stages throughout the novel, he begins transforming into a Mechtyrian himself, until, finally, he takes on the full form of one by the end of the novel. And Humanity looks at him strangely, confused, not understanding his change. Why has this man forsaken what he was born as, to become something so foreign and different? What was wrong with himself before? Some Humans acknowledge Alex's change, and they support him. But most are angry, resentful, and feel he has betrayed them. However, the Mechtyrians embrace Alex completely for everything he is, welcome him home, love him as his truest self wherein Alex is finally satisfied with what he looks like, and he knows there is no mistaking him for what he is. Still, some Humans refuse to say he is really actually a Mechtyrian. He wasn't born this way. He became what he is now. And of course, birth defines the entirety of your identity, and dictates what you are forever regardless of how much you change. This was me coming out as a man, experiencing transphobia. This was my struggle and still is. It's me finding home and safety with the trans community, versus the cisnormative society that we live in.

Alex falls in love with a Mechtyrian who is the best medic on that planet. His name is Xefyr. The two rescue each other in countless ways throughout the novel. Each night, Xefyr appears in Alex's nightmares, and helps him defeat Gladrious, the main villain of the book. But during wake, Alex helps Xefyr come to terms with himself, his responsibilities, and shows Xefyr that he is, in fact, important. Amongst a pantheon of over 100 gods, Xefyr still means something to a lot of people in his life. He matters, and to Alex, he is everything. The two coexist, and literally keep fighting for each other's sake, and well-being, despite wanting to give up and die. Neither can for several reasons. But they learn to fall in love with life and find beauty in it despite the hardships and trauma it's caused. This is me doing the same. Fighting my suicidal thoughts caused by incessant trauma that doesn't go away even years later. I've learned to see the beauty in the small things throughout many years, and to cherish the moments of joy and peace more than I suffer from the hardships of life. Just as Alex and Xefyr look to the future with one another and see hope, I look to my future myself and see light. It may be far away sometimes, but it's there nonetheless.

The entire novel uses the metaphor of light. Alex weaponizes the element of light itself, and uses it to fight back against every enemy that stands in his way, each of which represents something or someone once important to himself, but he shines brighter than the shadows they cast, and he keeps moving forward with the fight until it's over. This is me fighting through everything and everyone who has ever hurt me, and showing I am bigger than them. I am me. I am my own light, my own sun, and I shine to guide myself onto my own path. I am not controlled by those who tried to take hold. I am more than them. I am me.

And I won't say who, but there's a specific character who hurt Alex especially in the novel. And this character, they turn out to be a traitor at one point. It's entirely unexpected, it's not hinted at whatsoever in the current draft, and I don't want to hint at it for any reason. It comes as a surprise to readers, so that they feel the fear and dread Alex feels when he learns this truth as well. Someone who he thought supported and cared for him, and others for that matter, is anything but. And not a soul in the universe suspected this or saw it coming. This is me coping with the people I've lost who were once close to me, VERY close, but they ended up supporting all the horrible world-ending things and working for them to actively hurt people like myself, and basically everyone in the end. It's about the two faces of which you maintain, the one being the face you wear when alone, and the other is that which you wear around anyone else. Only the individual knows their full truth, their ambition and desire and state of being. And it's always a shock when others find this truth about those closest to them, whether for better or worse. But here I vent my horrors of finding the absolute worst about those around me, and how it affects me so deeply and is so unexpected.

Basically in the end, my novel has grown with me. It's become its truest self as I have done the same. It's shown my life as I've grown, and am still growing. Through characters which each hold an aspect of myself, I express my life and my progress, the setbacks and experiences I've been through, and it's helped me come to terms as I've gotten older with who I am and what has made me this way. And I have to wonder what the coming years of rewriting this novel as its current draft will reveal to me about myself.

[sylvia0106]

2 AM Thoughts-

A letter to self

" wish I could leave you my love but my heart is a mess " well it's raining I'm not. I could be doing a million other zombie works then thinking out loud but well eh. Here I come to let it out but it's so empty. People like me break our hearts on their own and look for people to take those parts because we think it won't fit in here anymore so we give and give heart, patience, love, affection, understanding, ourselves " atleast I can give to others what wasn't given to me " " when you aren't fed love in spoon u learn to lick it off of knives ". It's a consolation to yourself. You don't want others to suffer like you did but in the process you not only make yourself suffer even more but also make them rely on you so yeah everyone suffers isn't that just great. The words that you say the time that u give the patience that you put through everyday with them won't make them your first choice, they won't give you what you are wishing for and you do know what you are wishing for and that too that it won't any nearly be fulfilled let alone to heard. When you give people just take and they always will. True someone would give you back too but to what extent? A giver is never satisfied yet too happy if they get the barest minimum of all. You feel the need to earn it to finally be supported loved cared for prioritized made seen and heard for but that's not something to earn. People would be people even the ones you trust the most the ones who never seem to take advantage of you who give u what you give them they too are nothing but endless noises of people. No one's gonna come to you and tell you that you don't need to do things for the sake of them to do the bare minimum for you maybe they do return what you did for them but the thing is you'll constantly keep doing things to feel worthy to feel important to feel as if you matter and they'll keep being okay with it. Who doesn't like attention? Who doesn't like efforts and understanding and patience?. A people pleaser would always be taken advantage of silently subconsciously because you don't set your boundaries you tell people they matter. The problem with this world isn't that everyone's bad so you gotta be bad there's no place for good and that the world changes you to be this person. The world the people your life your choices things will always keep happening and affecting things will only change if you allow them. Good people deserve good people but do they get them? Always? No. They don't but do they anyway deserved bad people? They didn't. Being good is good and it's always gonna be good no matter how polluted the sea is in front of you but being good doesn't mean you let the bad just coexist to you the bad to do whatever it wants they both are surely relative terms which depends on morality of person to person but good people is what the world needs however that's not the reason that you keep being what you are because people say they need you. In the mist of everyone you often end up forgetting yourself and that is just about backstabbing your own self the world does need people like you but not people like you to be used or taken advantage of. Your weakness is your strength it will always be and their strength is their weakness. Bruh I be talking all over the place. You deserve better friends and better people and a heart that isn't earned but given to you chosen to given to you. You deserve yourself who does take care of yourself I yourself who does care about her scars and her pain too. You deserve alot and you should get that alot. Saying "no" to a help to a need to a stranger or to a friend or to anyone alas is okay. People don't need to understand why u did what u did and why you are doing what you are doing they won't ever understand because they are too busy in their lives. Stop looking into others lives so you don't have to face yours.

Sincerely, signing off

Sylvia

[fullscoreshenanigans]

#fullscoreshenanigans impossible polls (via @thetinytimeturtle)

I refuse to accept that designation for this one when I gave a multiple choice option. 😤

#okay how to formulate my thoughts on this #bits and pieces maybe but never fully #but there needs to be a price payed #it can even be up to 90% of it and I'd still be satisfied #like she remembers Isabella but not what she looked like or things like that #it would also have to be a process of over time #I'm still not sure which of the options fit this best #but I'm also fine with her never regaining her memories perhaps that's my bittersweet loving heart talking (via @thetinytimeturtle) --- #mmmmmmmnah. #i honestly like that tpn has an imperfect ending #i've talked about this before but the thing is this series is about overcoming the shittiest situations imaginable #while still sticking to what you think is the right thing even if that means taking the difficult and punishing road #we see it in the escape arc when Emma wants to take everyone we see it in the KoP arc when she wants to find a non-genocide solution #and i think Emma giving up her memories in order to save all the humans is a sign of her conviction #that would lose all weight if they came back you know #the decision has to mean something it has to be difficult if it was easy there'd be no point (via @darklight-owl) --- #option two #because that was Shirai’s choice #I don’t love it because I wish it’d had time to settle and really matter #and I wish it had been built up to at ALL #imagine a human world arc where we see the kids struggle and we finally get a Ray + Norman vs Emma (because we already got the other combos) #as they try to find her #if people change the ending I’d prefer they change the outcome altogether and find a way to conclude without the memory loss #that can be fascinating and creative— but Emma regaining her memory always makes the amnesia-period feel pointless— #what did anybody gain or learn if it’s just reversed?? (via @esthelle18)

God actually seeing the Ray + Norman vs Emma conflict play out would be so good…

I went with the "I'm open to it depending on how it's handled" option because I also like having there be some gravity to that narrative choice and conflict to continue pursuing since Shirai opted out of exploring the societal ramifications of having thousands upon thousands of cattle children either build a new coexistence with the demons in the demon world (which symbolically I understand and appreciate, but I'll always gripe about this being a cop-out when demon hierarchy is purposely centered around maintaining human intelligence as the pinnacle of their existence) or the struggles of them integrating into the human world when they specifically go over the potential hurdles they'll face with this in chapter 97:

Peter also taunts them about these struggles again right before his death in chapter 173:

Only for Norman to quickly gloss over how lucky they are none of these things actually come to pass for them in chapter 179:

(not getting into the meta reasons for why this happens because, while the story does suffer for it, I personally find it hard to fully begrudge Shirai for wanting to wrap the series up on his own terms while simultaneously trying to salvage his declining health)

Much like the events of the Return to Grace Field arc, we as the audience aren't being given clues about this and experiencing these new developments alongside the characters deducing them. We're just sort of thrust into it, and I'd argue that Peter monologue makes it even more frustrating for bringing all those concerns to the forefront again right before the ending as a reminder of "hey, we did consider these things!" only to allude to them as more of a sidenote when the cattle children actually make it there. This is on top of them overthrowing the entire world order of the demon world that's been in place for a millennia by Leuvis coming back from wherever he was for two years to conveniently smooth over Mujika becoming queen.

So in light of all this, I definitely understand wanting to keep Emma's memory loss; it's the only major hurdle that's left since the Ayshe-Norman conflict was dropped and Sonju gives up his centuries-long desire to eat wild humans again after spending a total of two weeks hanging out with the cattle children, even if for a series with societal upheaval as the main goal it's a bit disappointing.

However, after reading amazing fics like SuddenWhisper's Tethered where her memory isn't instantly recovered and the Ratri clan is weary/seemingly actively against any action that could trigger her memories to return and undo the promise, or something else equivalent that allows for more philosophical introspection or character exploration, I'd be open to it, provided it's not the end of the story as it currently stands/within the confines of the set number of chapters we've been given.

#sincerely in my mind i pretend has regained her memories #look for me its like this: #they went to the human world. got separated. she lost her memories. they search for her for two years just like in the manga #and when they find her she regains her memories #because I’m sappy and an act of true love can fix anything #and they searching for her for two years is definitely an act of true love #they find her. she regains her memories. and they live happily ever after the end 🙃 (via @bluelric)

As someone who got into the series within a few days of the S2 finale airing in Japan, I personally think it was funny how it seemed like half the fics that came out around 2020-2021 were No Reward AUs due to how rushed the last two arcs were. ("Yeeeah I'mma ignore that." lol)

It's also funny how often I find myself falling into playing around with "she gets her memories back/never loses them," but like I mentioned above, it all hinges on it not being at the same point that canon ends, assuming nothing preceding it has changed. Things like the Lambda sickness being not being completely cured due to unexpected developments occurring as the Lambda kids aged, the children not integrating as seamlessly into the human world (which may entail them unpacking all the trauma from their time in the demon world), they need to go back to the demon world, or some other conflict in that ballpark; if some combination of that is going on, it feels as though there's an equivalent price being paid.

#voted Combination of two or more listed options… #because No. I have no qualms about how it affects the story; I just don't like… #because she forgets about Isabella and Yuugo and Lucas and of course her dead siblings and friends #because she can't redo them. she can learn about her living family with no problems and start anew #but them? they are gone #and she even misses them! her dreams were very clear about it... #and this hurts #plus #I like playing around with it in fanfics/AUs #like in my Mama!Emma-AU the memories are gone and stay gone #with me making a point of Emma NOT wanting them back #instead she feels like she's a new person and can't replace the old Emma anyway #breaking Ray and Norman's heart #but they realize they like *the new* Emma just as much! and they want her in their life #Emma isn't the same anymore and that's okay #on the other hand in my Foreverland-AU I just couldn't bring myself to let Emma forget everyone... #it's important she still knows and misses her dead friends as well as her parents (via @officersnickers)

God yeah, the heartbreak of her being told stories about all her family members, people who inspired her to strive for her ideals, and forever having that divide of separation from them and learning about them as a stranger in the very memories she was a part of, of being given an entire family she wants to be a part of more than anything while going through the five stages of grief because she knows she'll never be that person they all have such fondness for again.

Foreverland has the tradeoff of the demon god coming up with a different deal, along with smatterings of other aforementioned conflicts/throughlines and character exploration, so it feels like an equivalent exchange has been made. To me anyway lol

#I have many thoughts on this but they’re both disorganized and too big for the tags XD (via @esthelle18)

That's what adding onto the main post is for. 😎👍

*No. I have no qualms about how it affects the story; I just don't like deviating from canon in works in general. **I like playing around with it in fanfics/AUs, but I don't think it should actually happen in canon. ***Yes, a thousand years of cattle children and the general demon population suffering should have been compensation enough. ****Combination of two or more listed options since tumblr won't let us have multiple choice voting.

Sort of a continuation of this poll from last year.

(Mystic Code Book Chapter 6)

[3vocatio]

the thing abt one of the most <3 solomon scenes being copied word for word for diavolo is just so. it's not even insane or unbelievable to me it's just extremely irritating like these are genuinely such wonderful characters in a wonderful setting how are the devs messing up on the writing bit THIS bad.

idm the fan service because like... otome game & all that but also that doesn't mean that they can't have a compelling plot and good writing to go with it????? especially in events like clearly they keep trying to include every single character and it just. doesn't work. and there are just SO MANY events too like if you're playing for non-plot purposes it's still so goddamn annoying because let the players breathe 😭

idk i just wish the writing quality in the game would improve at the very least. like it's fine if it's 'cringe' or wtv at least come up with original and decent plots instead of just repeating the same things over and over again yk?

sorry about the rant i've just been really pissed about this lately in the game 😭

oh my GOSH raaz solomon is the last person the obm devs haven't messed up (+ the new side characters, specifically mephistopheles) and i'm so terrified of the obm devs ruining him like they did everyone else...

in this new steampunk event, the locked route is SPECIFICALLY being catered for whales. unlocking the chapters was easy to build up to, but now you need 15 keys off the bat to continue, and i feel like it's heavily reflective of how indifferent the devs are towards actually doing their own characters justice. everything is meant to serve their whales, bring in more revenue, and sit comfortably even when they know they're angering their own fanbase by rubbing salt in the wound (i.e. making satan self-aware of his cat obsession, solomon outwardly expressing discomfort for the erasure of his humanity from other characters).

the devs are growing to completely disregard their own story, slapping together some fanservice in the main story when most of their fanbase can't even reach that point. why not serve your veterans & those who financially support you with consistent & cathartic story arcs? why not balance everyone, everything?

so i share your frustrations: obey me has been spiraling down in quality for a long time. i think that the last time i've been satisfied with the story was during season 2, when the fandom wasn't as big, and people were invested in figuring out what'll happen next because everything was cleverly panning out to a huge event: the dagger scene with lucifer. people didn't know what to make of simeon's play, and i remember when people theorized that the play would parallel a huge event near the end of the season... and we were right! and so many people were genuinely happy with the story being able to keep their interest and keep them on their toes.

now, there is a severe lack of anything reminiscent of holding anyone's interest, even the veterans, even me. i would woefully log onto tumblr as season 4's lessons rolled around every week, and would share everyone else's disappointment when we gradually accepted the fact that the story was easy to predict given how lazy the devs had become. i want them to take their time so badly, to give us quality over quantity, but with solmare now becoming so big with their new cash cow, obey me, compared to their previous cliche otome games, i think they've allowed the success to get to them.

thoughts of “it's an awful game, i hope no one plays it” and “it's a nice game to play, i can't wait to share my thoughts” are two things that can coexist, albeit shaped into something more along the lines of “it's a horrendous game that i can bond over with friends” once you find yourself being sucked deeper into it.

i don't think i'll stop playing anytime soon, because as i told someone in the past, “[it has] flavor in all of its terrible, atrocious glory”. i'm able to use concepts & ideas that the story gives me and, in my eyes, i get to make it better. i get to share my thoughts with like-minded people like you, and everyone jumps on the inspiration bandwagon. people bond over the same failures that makes us frustrated, and that's one of the few reasons i have any semblance of gratitude for obey me.

[fishyfod]

The Good Conscientious Soldier; Winter Schnee

My government enforces mandatory enlistment to the Army to all citizens aged 18, just after high school. I refused to enlist, and had to officially pass an army committee to prove I'm a "valid" conscientious objector. There are many ways to avoid army service, and many reasons - which as far as I'm concerned, all are valid - but my main reason stems from my pacifism.

In a militaristic state like my own, my lack of servitude in the army - especially as a conscientious objector - is frowned upon. By everyone. I've had to defend my decision to more than just the official army committee (whose definitions of conscience are arbitrary at best), but also to strangers on the street, friends, family, and myself. One of the arguments I had to reason with, is what I call "the Good Conscientious Soldier".

RWBY Volumes 7 and 8 have managed to affect me in some unexpected ways. The show's good for many reasons, but the way these Volumes handle the themes of dismantling militarism and fascism in their very core means a lot to me. It's handled with care and excellent storytelling that are surprising, considering the show's weakest handled arc is the White Fang arc. The most surprising decision to me, was to make the Happy Huntresses - clearly, the very enemy of Atlas's militarism - be the confident heroes, assured that their decision to defect was true. Instead, the various soldiers take the role of the conflicted characters, the ones that struggle with their decision not to defect, but to serve. Most shows would have flipped this around, and RWBY did not.

The spotlight here is reserved to Winter Schnee, who impressed me greatly in Volume 7 with how her innate struggle between her conscience and her loyalty to the army was displayed. I have not seen many portrayals of this struggle that managed to satisfy me in their difficulty while still maintaining nuance.

The Good Conscientious Soldier is a difficult argument to resolve, I find, because it doesn't attempt to call your conscience into question - it weaponizes it against you. "Yes," the enlister agrees, "you've impressed me that your moral sense is great - but wouldn't that make you the perfect soldier? After all, if soldiers are committing immoral decisions - wouldn't it be better if a moral soldier like yourself, stands there in their place to prevent immoral actions from taking place? Isn't it then preferable, that if you wish to take action to fix our wrongs - you must change us from inside, serve in the army and show us the right way?"

Winter's actions in Volume 8, in particular episode 7, are extraordinary in a sense. After a Volume of struggling between her conscience and Ironwood, hurt after being left behind by Weiss and Penny alike, Winter finally listens to her moral compass and takes action. She commits the second worst offense any officer can do after defecting - she goes against orders. In letting Yang, Jaune and Ren go she disobeys Ironwood, her superior, deciding her sense of morality is more justified here. And she is correct, and her decision proves successful not only to the heroes and Oscar, but for the good of Atlas and Mantle. Monstra is blown up, Salem is temporarily neutralized.

The fallacy of the Good Conscientious Soldier argument, is not that soldiers cannot have conscience, or that their individual actions cannot possibly make things better. The fallacy is that the army is designed never to allow conscientious soldiers who would dare disobey orders to ever be where they are a nuisance. If you've proven to have an inflection towards disagreeing with your superiors, they will not put you where that disagreement can damage their plans. If you disobey orders in an attempt to make things right, you will be replaced by those who would follows orders right. You will be sent to trial, you will be judged, you will be punished - because you dared disobeying orders.

When the Army is faced with a conscientious soldier, the system self-corrects itself, and the anomaly will be removed. That is why the system cannot be changed from within, and why my refusal to enlist in the army must be total - I cannot, in good conscience, take any part in it.

In episode 10 of Volume 8, Winter Schnee’s attempt to make the right call - the moral one - is punished. She is caught red-handed, facing Ironwood - a dangerous fascist general who killed councilmen in cold blood, who abandoned a city and attempts to leverage its very existence for power, who imprisons her sister’s friends and just explained to her how he would extort their lives in “negotiation”, who wishes to violate the very humanity of her friend Penny. And she disobeyed his orders. Mark my words, she will be punished for this severely.

Militarism goes beyond the military, and bleeds into every aspect of society. First and foremost - schools. The education of making one a good soldier starts by making the army such an integral part of life, every pupil must coexistent with them as they learn. Servitude of the army becomes servitude of society. Lack of loyalty to your military and their actions, is betrayal of the very fabric of coexistence with your friends. Defection from the military is defection from your people.

Despite what some may think, the fact it was Harriet Bree that ratted out Winter is not what lead to this punishment. If Harriet Bree wasn’t there, someone else would’ve taken her place - and they would’ve done the exact same thing. Harriet Bree has reported for duty, just as she should have. Because Winter Schnee betrayed not just Ironwood, Winter betrayed Harriet, and made Harriet complicit in her insubordination. Winter effectively betrayed Atlas itself.

Winter is an excellent portrayal of the Good Conscientious Soldier, and I do not say this because I pity her. I am lucky in many ways this fictional character was not, and to look into her situation as if we are the same is self-centered. No, I say this because I value this portrayal, it touches me in ways I did not anticipate to feel from a cartoon show made in the US. I feel her struggle, I understand the difficulty, I want to see her overcome it. I’m rooting for her.

[gif by @chittychittyyangyang]

I hate to end this post on a sour note, but I cannot leave this unsaid. Some of you mocked Winter when she followed her conscience in Episode 7, and gloated as you watched Episode 10 and her insubordination was discovered. Fiction does not always reflect back to reality, but if in this case it does - then whatever form of anti-militarism you think you advocate for, it’s not genuine. Get off your high horse. Your anti-militarism is performative at best. I still hope, that this post was perhaps illuminating. Do with it what you will.

[prof-peach]

I really enjoy your posts, developing the pokemon world in a thoughtful and detailed manner! There's one thing I'd like to ask though, is there a reason why you sometimes put down some of the canon characters or attribute awful flaws to them? :/ It does feel a bit disheartening, as a fan of some of those characters haha ^^;

Honestly? Personal choice. It’s my blog at the end of the day, and I find some of the characters jarring or uninteresting, the anime especially pushes pretty OP, often loud, and unbalanced characters on viewers. It doesn’t suit my tastes, it doesn’t suit how the world works here. For that reason I choose to write differently about them. This however is my opinion, and at no point do you have to concern yourself with it, if it’s not how you view something.

The beauty of the internet is that we are all entitled to a space to communicate ideas and thoughts, and so long as no laws are broken, and you aren’t unkind, people can either enjoy the content, or move on and find something they like even better, or if you’re anything like me, just make your own blog to put your own thoughts and feelings out there! Which has proven to be very enjoyable too, so I always encourage others to go about voicing their likes and dislikes in this way.

I understand people like certain characters, they enjoy different things to me, but it’s also totally not my business what they believe in, nor my concern. I do my best to be polite, strategic, fair and honest, but I do not lose myself to the viewers, and will not be swayed in how I choose to run the blog. A lot of my narrative choices are based on personal wants or likes. Is that selfish? Yes entirely, a blog is just a collection of your own likes and thoughts, they are inherently self satisfying. Does that make it bad? No. Selfishness can be good in moderation, it can keep you sane and safe, and considering the tumblr blog is entirely free and regularly updated, I don’t feel the vast amounts of content created for nothing is a selfish act entirely. People often find a bit of intrigue and joy here.

Of course I mean no harm to you and those who enjoy the show, or certain characters, and encourage you to find more appropriate blogs if the ideas here upset you. Your experience online is tailored by your own choices, and the people you follow and interact with. I am here to enjoy the community just like you are, in the way I feel fits the world, and will continue to do so, because it’s a blog I run, and curate. It’s very easy to forget behind the blogs face, a real human with their own like and dislikes exists, and they make content often to lean into those things they enjoy because the shows and games just don’t provide enough.

I will not apologise for creating fan content, I will however encourage you to make healthy choices, and go forward with your own ideas and plans in place! There’s always more room for different opinions and viewpoints, and those can coexist with other people’s opinions if you let them. I’m sure a lot of the viewers here will agree with you, and enjoy things that perhaps aren’t framed in a nice light here, I know for a fact there’s some stances of characters and certain species that don’t suit folks, especially the younger crowd, but that is the choice of the blog. Please do block or delete us from your following list if it’s not suited to your tastes though, we don’t hold any hard feelings here. People gotta do what they gotta do.

[kakitysax]

Alright, okay, - real talk here?

So many aromantics face lonely lives. The cultural ideal of the nuclear family (no doubt propagated to avoid an overabundance of tax-and-billpayer’s “password sharing”) is so toxic to real love, and outright poisonous to the “alterous” attractions and affections that aromantic people feel.

But I have been so fucking fortunate to find a partner who loves me in the ways that I want to be loved, and is satisfied by the ways in which I express my own.

Being with her, being “us,” has taught me so many things: things that, by definition, I could not learn on my own; things that I never thought I would have the opportunity to understand.

Basic stuff. What it’s like to coexist with other people, like, REALLY coexist, instead of just being a lonely mind with a body existing in conjunction with other bodies.

Who I am in the context of other people, and what I’m like in terms of intimacy.

What love actually IS between two broken humans. The nebulous nature of boundaries. “Double Standards” and why sometimes they aren’t actually double standards and can be okay.

How little other people actually define you.

“The bonds of love,” and how they aren’t actually binding. How freeing and devoid of fear these ties feel.

All that being aromantic used to mean for me was that there was this massive way in which I couldn’t reach love. The label was a way for me to tell other people that I can’t perform their rituals of intimacy. That I can’t reach connection by the route that others all seem to understand, to EXPECT, to DEMAND.

The label is not just a ward, it’s an invitation. “There could be another way,” it implied, screamed into nothing.

And I thought that that was how it would stay, an invitation unanswered.

I knew that I was not unlovable.

But I never expected a human to want to learn how love me.

Maybe that’s why I was so intrigued by Max.

It was their art, I’ve said before: art filled with non-euclidian shapes, lines that curve and dance and spiral, the shape of nebulas, the delightful puzzle of asymmetry.

I could NEVER draw like that, and that’s what intrigued me. The “otherness” of her mind.

But the other thing that it told me about her was that this person was shapeless.

I saw someone deeply undefined. A deep shapelessness that ticked in their mind and spilled out through their hands.

She does not always like it. She feels lost. Alone in a mental world formless and void.

But that means EVERYTHING to me.

“Aromantic” is an invaluable descriptor of what my love is not.

But this relationship, this wonderful lover of mine, took me by the hands and looked me in the eyes and asked me what my love IS.

And I didn’t know how to respond!

“I don’t know,” I answered. “I didn’t think I would get this far.”

And I thought that that would be the end of it.

But she just smiled. “Then we can figure out together!” she told me.

It’s wonderful.

She is someone who sees chaos everywhere, even in the structure of an atom. She loosens the binding cords of my mind and encourages my asymmetry.

I am someone who sees order everywhere, even in the path of a raindrop down a windowpane. I cast gentle nets around the formless figures in their mind, giving name to null as I have learned to do.

She paints my landscapes.

And I chart her stars.

To me, that means more than the dance of roses and wine between those for whom romance is tangible. Our act of exploring what romance is not means more to me than the things we are just supposed to “know.”

The love that speaks at every step means more to me than the myth of understanding without words.

[jonathangoodbyers]

these are my thoughts on the bullshit

eddies death made me cry for the first time in nearly two years and i am a master of repressing my emotions so great cool

eddie is a goddamn moron for dying like that and im mad at him

im going to construct intricate fantasies in my head so he stops being dead there at least

lame and gay that they only had dustin and wayne munson actually visibly mourning him, as if he wasn't also friends with mike.

WILL BYERS: come get a hug baby. him telling mike about his own feelings but pretending that it was eleven who felt those things -> made me very upset. will has been crying a lot and he doesn't deserve it at all. will is so deeply and tragically in love with mike it breaks my heart

steve??? his ending here is basically that he confesses to nancy and then nothing? LAME.

its good that steve acknowledges his own growth and it being spurred by nancy but that doesn't mean that they were like ,, destined to be together. why couldn't he just be like hey thanks for making me see that i was an asshole and ive changed for the better, lets be friends?

jonathan is still lying to nancy about the college thing??? after AAALLL of that??? also lame

what happened to dmitri and yuri. did they just drop off joyce, hopper and murray and then flew back to russia together? are they hanging out? are they going back to their families? who knows not me

season 4 is the season of Max Suffering

and she doesn't deserve iiittt

it did think that she was gonna die for a minute there but im sure she'll make a comeback next season somehow.

i do have a sneaking feeling she might be permanently blind

maybe its because i never got over billy but i think it's a shame that max wasn't really able to work through her trauma abt it with vecna after all. obv she did get some closure in "dear billy" but the last thing she said regarding him was 'yea sometimes i prayed he would die in a car crash and also im suicidal now' like?? she was saying that to bait henry into getting her but i feel like it might've been nice if later on she had tried to resist by saying she did miss billy in some way. like ooh henry you were wrong actually about me being glad that billy is dead bc thats not entirely true !! i mean i think she has very conflicting feelings about him. like yea she did hate him but she also loved him in a way and that can coexist.

i need to stop talking about billy sorry

couldn't anyone give poor dustin some crutches? that boy is limping.

jason dying unceremoniously by just burning up from the earth opening? good. he deserves it a little bit kind of. like yea he didnt understand what was going on but god that boy was annoying.

brenner dead? also good. hes been nothing but a menacing creep since the beginning of the show and im glad he's gone. love that eleven didnt give him the satisfaction of saying that she understood why he did what he did. just love that for her.

where the fuck did that sword come from that hopper used to kill the demogorgon??

robin and vickie 🥰🥰🥰

i knew Vickie's boyfriend wasn't gonna last after that one scene that he was in.

lucas :(((

watching him hold max while she was dying was so painful. so. she better get back thats all im saying

henry?? annoying ass bitch.

i feel like his character is about rejection, being unloved and only seeing the worst in people because of it. which is whyyy it would make sense if his ending was about accepting that people can be good and bad, guilty and innocent. that having done bad things doesn't ruin you as a person, bc thats what he keeps trying to show his victims, that they ARE bad people for their guilt and trauma. a satisfying resolution would be about convincing him to see the good in people. but his ending will probably be more along the lines of big explosion fireball eleven screaming.

eleven and max's friendship >>>>>

el better get her bestie back.

okay those are all my thots so far

[suite43]

this was a commissioned peice of writing for @princemai . If you're interested in a commission, dm me!

Adjusting to life after the war was never going to be easy. How do you coexist with the people who've been trying to kill you for millions of years? It didn't take a nihilist to think that the peace wouldn't last.

Bumblebee counted himself pleasantly surprised that, well, something seemed to last. Peace wasn't the right word, but at least it was less "endlessely killing each other" and more "the entire universe hates us and we can't really blame them". But for the most part, these days, things were peaceful.

That didn't mean it was easy.

You wouldn't call it easy to wake up next to the closest thing you'd ever had to an arch-nemisis wrapped around you. You wouldn't quite know what to do with the fact that as much as he hates to admit it, he's afraid of the dark. And you wouldn't blame yourself for waking up sometimes afraid that you'll find a knife at your throat.

It wasn't easy. But it was peaceful, more or less. Because when Starscream kissed him in that way he did almost every morning, gentle and still half-asleep, Bumblebee could nearly forget he'd ever thought of the mech next to him as dangerous, and a part of him would wonder why it hadn't always been like this.

But then they get up, and the day would go on, and even though there's peace now, there's a lot of history, and Bumblebee can't help but feel like they're both just waiting for everything to turn sideways.

Bumblebee wants to trust Starscream. And he does, on some level at least. Immensely so. Enough to have trusted him with the fate of the universe. But every argument, every time the banter hits just a little bit too close to home, every time Starscream slips back into a crueler, more violent version of himself, Bumblebee wonders to himself if maybe this is it. After all, it wasn't really that long ago that they were shooting at each other.

Starscream has the same thoughts. Obviously, he won't admit it, but it's easy enough to see through his acts once you know him well enough - When did Bumblebee start to know him well enough? How the hell did that happen? It all feels so fast - But sometimes when there's a certain tension in his wings and his fingers curl up ever so slightly and his eyes shoot around, planning his escape, Bumblebee knows that Starscream is just as scared as he is.

It's not always like that. There are moments when they're alone where it feels like none of that matters. They sit together on their couch and they're quiet as they both do their own thing, and Bumblebee shifts to lean against Starscream's shoulder and Starscream wraps one arm around him, his hand idly tracing small circles on Bumblebee's plating, and it just feels right. Bumblebee feels more safe there than anywhere in the universe, curled into the side of one of the most dangerous people in the universe. In a moment like that, he'd tear his spark out and put it in Starscream's hands if he asked him to.

But... It wasn't that long ago that he watched people he loved die at those hands. Those same strong, clever hands that slotted perfectly into his like they were built that way, like everything in their lives had led them to this specific touch. Bumblebee wasn't a big believer in destiny but sometimes everything would line up just so, and if he'd been slightly more of a romantic he'd've called them soulmates.

It was this confusing blend of love and hate, of forgiveness and grudge and grief and adoration that didn't make sense at all and yet when Starscream knows exactly what to order him when they go out it makes perfect sense. And, somehow, it works out.

They've never really talked about... well, whatever this is. It's clearly a relationship, at this point. It's hard to argue for 'just friends' after that many rounds of... well, you know what. It's equally as hard after catching each other after god-knows-how-many nightmares, after thousands of late-late-night conversations, after the way that making each other laugh became the easiest thing in the world, after the way that they would whisper sweet complements between each other like a secret because it was far too embarrasing to say loudly.

So yeah, it was a relationship. But "open, honest communication" was not exactly in Starscream's skillset, and, well, Bee wasn't really sure he wanted to talk about it either. Putting a name on it felt. Dangerous. Like it'd ruin it. There'd be too much pressure, too much commitment, too much... truth. It felt like confessing something that he wasn't ready for.

It was one thing to sleep with Starscream. It was another to, say, kiss Starscream. It was a third thing to literally sleep with Starscream, to trust the second-least-trustworthy person on Cybertron to be with him at his most vulnerable. But to be dating Starscream? To introduce Starscream as his partner? As his conjunx? That was a world of different things that Bumblebee was absolutely not prepared to handle.

What was he supposed to say? Oh, by the way, this is my conjunx. He's killed more people than my brain can even comprehend, but he also saved the universe that one time so it's totally cool now, don't worry!

But he loved him, and that was the problem. He loved Starscream so much, and he wanted everyone in the universe to know about the funny, thoughtful, brilliant person that he loved with all his heart.

And didn't it mean something that Bumblebee had seen Starscream at his absolute worst, and still decided that loving him was worthwhile? It wasn't like Bee was just flailing at the whims of his emotions, he chose to be here. Well, not the first time, that had just kind of happened. But after that, he'd chosen to stay, because loving him seemed worth the trouble of hating him, right? And Starscream was getting better, and that was a good thing.

And who was he worried about knowing? The handful of people Bumblebee would've bothered to tell if they did get married already knew the situation, and it wasn't exactly like either of them were really public figures anymore. The government job Windblade had gotten to keep Starscream busy was mostly just paperwork, and aside from the odd job here or there Bumblebee didn't do much. He'd basically retired. So they weren't going to be the talk of the town or anything. Besides, it's kind of old news, there'd been rumors of them doing something together pretty much since the second the war ended. It wasn't true then, but by now the scandal had kinda worn off and it was more of a "yeah, no shit" kind of gossip.

Still. A decade or so of closeness didn't really feel like long enough for a lifetime commitment, especially after what, four million years of hating each other beforehand?

But... Life is shorter than you expect it to be, right? They'd both died once over the course of this whatever-it-was. And the second time, they really had thought it'd stick, and Starscream sorta-haunting him from another dimension or whatever seemed like it was a permanent commitment, and that didn't scare Bumblebee at all. It sounded nice, not having to be alone again. This was like that, except he could be alone, sometimes, because neither of them could walk through walls or locked doors anymore so all he had to do for some privacy was tell Starscream to politely fuck off for a bit, which was a plus, right? Way more pracitcal.

"Can't we talk about this in the morning?" Starscream complained, eyes half shut, snapping Bumblebee out of his train of thought.

"What?" Bumblebee asked, confused.

"I don't want you to propose while we're drunk and you're rambling, idiot," Starscream was laying in Bee's lap, nuzzling his face into Bee's stomach plating. They were holding hands. When did that happen? "We can talk about it later."

Oh, shit.

"How much of that did I say out loud?"

"I dunno, you talk a lot. You're keeping me up."

"Shit. Sorry."

"S'okay. Your voice is nice."

"Oh." It was quiet for a minute.

"It's okay if you hate me. I get it," Starscream said.

"I don't hate you," Bee responded, blinking a few times, trying to shake off the feeling of spinning. "I like it when you're here."

"But you kind of have to hate somebody a little to love them, right?" Starscream shifted, staring up at the ceiling, head still resting on Bee's stomach. "I mean, it's hard to be with someone all the time.  Especially when you're stubborn and stupid, and you do stupid obnoxious things and I hate it. But if you weren't those things I hate, you wouldn't entirely be you. And I don't just like parts of you, I like you, and I can hate things you do while still knowing that it's you, and I love who you are. Even when we piss each other off. It's still you. Right?"

"Do you think i'm stupid? I'm not stupid."

"You're missing the point."

"Oh. Sorry."

"Stop apologizing so much. I hate it when you apologize." Starscream's hand squeezed his a little tighter.

"Oh... uh. sorry."

"You make me feel... like..." Starscream just kind of trailed off.

"Yeah, I know. you too... uh. I mean. you make me. uh. you know."

"Yeah, I know."

"This is good, right?"

"Mmm, it's gonna feel shitty in the morning, but right now it's good."

"What about after tommorow?"

"I don't know. Ask me then."

"Hm."

"I don't have a plan, Bee. That's not normal for me. But I don't need you to tell me it's going to be like this forever, because it probably won't be. Things don't work out like that for us. But right now, for the first time in my entire life, I'm genuinely satisfied. Can we just enjoy that? I don't know how to be happy, Bee. I don't know how to handle it. But I'm trying to make this work. We can go back to shooting each other tommorow if that's easier for you, but right now, I'm happy."

"Yeah? Yeah. Me too. God, I'm happy," Bumblebee pulled their joined hands up, pressing a kiss to Starscream's knuckles where they intersected. "I'm happy that you're happy. I want you to be happy."

"I know," Starscream said. He muttered something else, but it was quiet and slurred and Bee couldn't quite make it out. In his head, Bee imagined it was something along the lines of I love you.

[littlemisspascal]

Death and an Angel part 3

Death!Din and Cupid F!Reader

Summary: You and Din have an unexpected heart-to-heart about what it means to be Death and a Cupid on route to a planet where Din’s potential soulmate lives.

Rating: G

Word Count: 1,500

Warnings: Pining, smidge of angst, more plot development, Razor Crest (RIP I miss you darling!), a made-up home world for the reader (yes, yes, there’s like a million I could have picked but my brain said NOPE)

Author Note: Ahhhh, the comments are so amazing from you all! Thank you everyone out there sparing time to check out my little universe, it makes me sooo happy you have no idea! As always, I hope you enjoy this new segment as I try to plot this story out and get these two idiots to acknowledge there just might be something between them. 

Also special thanks to @codenamewitcher​​ for including the first two parts on Weekly Fanfic Recs. Be sure to go check out the list for a whole bunch of fantastic stories!

Links to Part 1, Part 2 and Part 4

Photo Inspiration: (What I imagine is beneath the armor in this scene...*dreamy sigh*)

There is a distinct silence that can only be found in hyperspace when the stars outside resemble sparkling streaks of silver tinsel and your breath is trapped within your lungs as you’re awestruck by the sheer beauty of it all. You experience this silence aboard the Razor Crest, sitting in the cockpit behind Din as he pilots his beloved gunship. It isn’t the first time you’ve been a passenger, having traveled with Din on two previous ventures where your Cupid services were required on planets far away from your home on Umbriel.

Off-world assignments for you were generally rare since your bosses were more inclined to choose Cupids of higher ranking to handle those clients, but sometimes you were the only available option left. Which, come to think of it, is exactly how you became the one roped into meeting with Death every full moon. Your bosses decided someone needed to check up on him to make sure he wasn’t reaping anyone before their fated time and thus messing with the natural order of things. You privately have reached the conclusion it was a decision made during a fit of paranoia as you had yet to find any evidence suggesting Din ever broke a single one of the universe’s rules, let alone even considered the mere possibility.

When you did travel for assignments, you never stopped feeling like a goldfish being dumped out of your familiar little bowl and into a massive ocean full of strange oddities. You would often find yourself wasting time trying to successfully navigate the unknown world when you should have been focused on tracking down your client’s soulmate.

That’s why Din had offered to start traveling with you. Actually, in his own words it was because, “You think about love so much you don’t see trouble until it’s an inch in front of you. Someone’s got to be there to look after you.”

You’d tried to argue, told him you had never experienced trouble and that if you did then you could handle it with your bow. All Cupid’s were required to master archery for self-defense purposes, though Din’s responding snort of derision made you suspect he wasn’t convinced of your skills. You wondered if he thought, just as humans incorrectly did, a Cupid only used their bow to spread love and lust. Or maybe he just thought you weren’t capable of such finesse. It was an insulting assumption, fueling you with the burning desire to prove him wrong. One day, you keep telling yourself, a repetitive chant. One day you’ll show him just how capable you are with your weapon and you imagine his look of shock, whether worn openly on his face or hidden beneath the visor of his helmet, will be utterly priceless.

But in the meantime, you’re in no hurry to encounter trouble. Finding enjoyment in taking these trips with him on his ship instead.

The Razor Crest had actually been a complete surprise to you when Din first welcomed you on it; primarily because the notion of him using such a primitive form of transportation despite the powers he possessed as Death was too outrageous to wrap your head around. However, it took less than ten minutes soaring through space for you to discover just how many details of the universe you were missing by relying on your Cupid abilities to teleport yourself between locations. Never would you have imagined Death to be the one to teach you to love the slowness of travel, to let your eyes linger on all the beautiful wonders along the way. But that’s exactly what happened.

You turn your head away from the window to look at Din. From your angle, all you glimpse is the back of his helmet, reflecting the passing starlight. Soon you’ll be introducing Din to the first immortal on your list of potential soulmates.

Death, you quickly correct yourself. He’s only Din when he’s around you.

You initially thought he elected to wear his armor because you told him he could to ease his comfort, but now you think it’s because this is him meeting his potential soulmate as himself. It is easy to forget sometimes this is the image of Death—a warrior enshrouded in beskar, cunning and ruthless—that is recognized throughout the universe. And feared.

If the handsome face he concealed was known instead, you wonder if mortals would readily choose to embrace the ending of their lifetime, rather than foolishly seek to run from its inevitability.

“What is it?” Din’s baritone voice startles you as it shatters the quietness. The modulator within his helmet gives his tone a low raspiness that never fails to send a chill down your spine when you hear it.

“Huh?” You respond ineloquently.

“You’ve been staring at the back of my head for the last five minutes, angel. I figured you had something worth saying.”

“Oh, no. I was just thinking about you.”

Immediately you wish a meteor would collide with the ship, providing you with the necessary distraction to escape and find somewhere you can hide until the end of time.

“...What about me were you thinking?” Din wonders after a solid thirty seconds of pure silence, voice somehow conveying an equally blended mixture of intrigue and wariness. He flips on the ship’s autopilot and turns in his seat to pin you with his gaze, apparently unwilling to let you try and weasel yourself out of the conversation.

You roll the question around in your mind, wanting to give an answer that satisfies him without it also embarrassing yourself further.

“I was thinking how much of an enigma you are,” you murmur at last, leaning back in the chair with your arms crossing over your stomach. “You wield such incredible powers and yet you choose to wear a human face, to call this man-made ship your home and to also spend your spare time living amongst those you will eventually reap. Why are these your choices?”

He tilts his head, and you just know there is a little crease of bewilderment appearing between his eyebrows right now even if you can’t see it. For as much as he is a puzzle you can’t put together, he is also at times an open book that you will never tire of reading.

“I would think you, more than most beings, would understand the discomfort that stems from loneliness and the lengths one will go to ease it,” he says, not unkindly. He mirrors your position, maneuvering himself until he’s comfortable in his seat and totally oblivious to the dilating of your pupils as you observe every subtle shift of his armor-clad body. “Isn’t that the true purpose of Cupids? To spare individuals the ache of living a life of solitude by introducing them to someone to love so they no longer feel it.”

“That’s a poetic way of putting it,” you answer, smiling softly and shrugging your shoulders. “My superiors would just quote our mantra back at me when I used to ask. Amor vincit omnia.”

“Love conquers all.”

You shouldn’t be surprised he’s able to translate such an ancient and obscure language, but your eyes widen regardless. “That’s right.”

His voice is unusually soft when he asks, “Do you like being a Cupid?”

You stare at him, caught off guard by how easily he’s changed the topic of the conversation from himself to you. You’re used to taking orders and being thanked for your services, but no one has ever asked you if you liked doing any of it.

“I’m good at it,” you finally say, even though it’s not really an answer.

He nods his head still, as if he understands. A part of you thinks he actually does.

You lick your lips, eyeing him hesitantly. “Do you...like being Death?”

“I’m good at it,” he echoes, but your words sound somber coming from his lips.

The cockpit fills with hushed silence again, but there’s a unique tenderness unlike ever before. Minutes seem to stretch on for entire seasons as you watch one another, content to simply coexist and revel in each other’s presences.

It would be so easy to slip off his helmet and kiss him right now.

You stiffen, stunned at your own thought, but you aren’t given the chance to analyze it further as an alarm on the ship’s control panel announces with a resounding beep you’ve reached your destination.

Din spins in his seat, reclaiming control of the steering to begin the ship’s landing process. You look out the front window at the large green-blue planet drawing nearer with every anxious tick of your heartbeat.

“We’re here,” you say needlessly, forcing excitement into your voice. Fake it till you make it, isn’t that the human expression?

“Who is it we’re meeting on this backwater skug hole?” Din asks, pressing a series of buttons above his head.

You kick the back of his seat. “Be nice,” you scold when he shoots you a look. He mutters something unintelligible under his breath as he turns back around, prompting you to roll your eyes. “She’s a goddess of springtime and motherhood. The locals call her Omera.”

Tag List: @leilei-draws​, @theocatkov​, @becauseican2, @vintagesaph​, @stardust-and-starlight​, @kay2304, @odelia-d32, @adrieunor​, @remmyswritings​, @gallowsjoker​, @rhiannon-russo​, @randomness501​, @eleine-t1d​, @nicotinebirds, @sylphene​, @softly-sad​, @maytheglitter​, @melobee​

[tomatograter]

i saw on twitter you reread the epilogues! would it be okay to ask how you feel about them now on a reread? have any of your opinions changed, for better or worse? i've really loved the art and analysis that's come out of your tumblr/twitter ever since they dropped, so i'm excited to know what you think. i couldn't get a great read on your feelings based on your tweets so that is why i am asking directly, hope that's okay!

Not much changed. That wasn't the first time I attempted to re-read the HS Epilogues, I've gone through bits and pieces of them a handful of times in the years since the original release and it's an effort I make to remind myself of events that happened because I tend to... forget. I don't mind reading books, I like those! In the hellscape that was 2020, according to my StoryGraph stats (great new site, by the way, stop using the Amazon-clawed Goodreads and transfer your account to a black led effort to diversify the current literary environment) I managed to read about 22 new books. Not too shabby for a total dumbass. The problem isn't that it was text-only, they just sort of mush together as a nondescript mass in my brain given enough time. 

The first time I finished the epilogues, I said they felt like a purposefully unfinished text, but one at odds with itself (though in much more undercooked words, as I had just spent the last 2 days busy reading it) and it's an impression that has deepened since.

I do not mean anything like "Meat contradicts Candy" with this, that'd be foolish; the dissonance is the fucking point. I know how dubiously canon alternate universes work and I *enjoy* them, otherwise I wouldn't have wasted years in the circus ring that is accompanying Big 2 Comics in the hopes they'd do anything genuinely cool with that concept. Instead, I find there is a general problem in terms of internal cohesion. The Epilogues want to be a lot of things at once, be it a continuation, an expulsion, a deliberate attempt at public scorn, a somewhat genuine play in heartfelt analysis, a reinvention of what came before, or a loaded gun pointed straight at one's own foot. And in the process, they end up undermining the impact of their own strongest moments. 

I don't like the Epilogues. Their lukewarm indecisiveness makes for a poor reading experience that needs far more asides, warnings and 'before you read it-'s than the book is worth. It is a text with a particularly distasteful, juvenile fixation in the show and repeated humiliation of sexual abuse victims, and manages to be more regressive about its female characters and what roles they're allowed to play than Homestuck, the 2009 Comic, ever was. And that was disappointing. It's as if the coming of adulthood must sort them into one of two categories: "wanted, desirable" woman or "unwanted, undesirable" woman. It also interacts with trans women in a really shitty way. It is a text married to traditional white-centric politics that makes an attempt to challenge them from that same perspective but falls flat on its face by pulling big moves like "making the alien-Hitler analogue character fight for a rebellion meant to represent racial liberation" and other unsavory choices. But I don't need to like the Epilogues to acknowledge them as both a text that exists and works within a shared universe. 

They're pretty fertile ground for dissection and analysis. I think it's interesting how they accentuate some of the worst facets of the HS "canon"/"lore" by being incredibly blatant about their connection to stuff like the Skaianet archives, how they play with Fanservice and Fan Expectation by dedicating so much time to solving or sinking ‘The Davekat Equation’, and how they elaborate on complex facets of old characters. It's a text that acknowledges the existence of fanfiction and popular fanworks on a direct quotable basis (like "Can't sleep without holding onto a motherfucker" of 4Chords fame) as well as Fan Movements that preceded it (the also Gamzee-based "Free the clown!" Rush from 2016) it's intrinsically interactive, and that's not something you can say about a lot of media. The olive branch beckons.

I don't recommend the Epilogues. To me, the Epilogues portray glimpses of two potential, but not absolute, futures soaked in limiting metadoomer pessimism, best appreciated as "what-if" tales taking on the questions of serialization, post-myth, the self-cannibalistic nature of franchises, the abstractness of Canon, the absurdity of fanon, and why fascists like milk. The Epilogues are also not going to magically disappear or un-exist from our collective recollection anytime soon, or… ever. These statements coexist. 

I think complex feelings towards media are best put to use in the making of your own art, which is unsurprising, given the fact I'm an artist and a fag, & I've personally enjoyed creating things that interact and rebuke aspects of that text. I've also been graced with the existence of wonderful art from others doing the same, may that be in the form of illustrations, written epics, analyses, comics, videos, songs, the collective transgendering of the series' main character, and all sorts of harder-to-categorize community creations. You can make the best of it. That's my favorite part of the whole ordeal, and one I don't regret one bit. 

I hope this is an appropriately satisfying answer on this subject, and if it isn't, well, here's the thing; you can write a better one.

[whendidyou-leaveheaven]

on the idea of exploiting your own sexuality...

I feel the the terrible need to unpack the whole Anthony Mackie comment and the way I see people treating it.

This is why I wish people would stop asking actors about fandom’s response. I don’t care what the actors think of gay people shipping them, and the actors shouldn’t really have to be presented with loaded questions about that anyway, because they are always going to be damned if they agree and damned if they don’t. And it’s different when you have someone who is creating the content they put out directly like say, Neil Gaiman, who is great about open conversation with fans, he makes a thing and someone messages him and asks what he thinks about the sexuality of a character in said thing and he can fully, with authority, tell people his take on it or tell them it is up to them to see it however they want.

Actors don’t write their characters. They interpret them and play them the way they are usually directed to, and yes sometimes they have more say in the development of characters than other times. Do I think Castiel would have dropped that “I love you” if not for Misha Collins? Absolutely not. Do I think the directors would have let Jensen say it back if he wanted to? Absolutely not.

Anthony Mackie is what I sort of consider old school good natured, like he means well and obviously isn’t trying to tear down queer people but he also hasn’t analyzed things a million times over like everyone online in fandom has.

He has a point which I have considered myself, about the juxtaposition of two things: erasing toxic masculinity and allowing men to have feelings, and providing gay representation...

Can the two coexist? In some ways it does seem like a potentially bad thing when people try very hard to make a ship happen, because supposedly that would reinforce the toxic masculine idea that any sensitivity or vulnerability between men is GAY. And gay is weak and bad. And therefor when we call every male friendship gay we are propping up toxic masculinity and the idea that men cannot be too close or else.

Wow. What a fucked up dynamic right? How can you be gay and reinforce toxic masculinity at the same time?

So here’s why I don’t fully agree with this perspective though. Because,

So what!! So what if your friendship is gay? It’s actually toxic masculinity that is telling you it can’t be! And if it were fine, then it wouldn't matter. Because over half the world still believes these characters are straight and will always be straight. Hell, even I think they are straight (kinda) I just like shipping some people because it’s satisfying to me but I would never in hell go and ask uh, say Henry Cavill what he thinks of this fanfic I wrote. You know?

Male friendship has always been portrayed in media forever and even though it hasn’t been as soft and open as it is now, it exists. Whereas women in media are always pitted against one another as jealous rivals, we are moving away from that idea but historically it has been a thing that women cannot be friends because then they might challenge the status quo together basically, and then start fighting for themselves instead of over a man.

We have some gay representation now in the media but so far I don’t think that any of the canon gay rep involves characters that are all that interesting (ironically that’s not the case with f/f ships, we have a few really good ones right now) or vibe with us on the level that these other characters we love do. So of course those are the ones we end up shipping.

I’m already getting long winded so to wrap this up, my point is: yes Anthony is correct, and yes he is also wrong. He’s a good captain america and I don’t think this is some excuse to say “steve is the real one cuz anthony said we shouldn’t ship it.”

Is projecting gay iconology onto too many close male friendships actually hurting gay people and keeping them from having their own representation?

Eeeeehhh,

we have been doing that since Achilles and Patroclus existed and even then you had people on both sides of the story still saying there was no way they could be lovers when it was explicitly stated. If it were female characters we were discussing would we say the same thing- oh wait, we can’t because we have already sexualized women together in literally any scenario (just look at any fashion magazine before 2010, why are these women in a perfume ad naked together??). The world is changing, we do have more diverse representation than ever before, and toxic masculinity (I am referring specifically to the Hollywood-centric production part of the world, not necessarily on a global scale) is dissolving at it’s root, however slowly. It is no more homophobic to say two male friends might love each other in a gay way than it is to say two male friends love each other in a platonic way. The two are not mutually exclusive.They are gay and they aren’t gay are actually two concepts that can exist at once without hurting anyone.

[moonlit-jeno]

secrets | n.jm

genre/ warnings: vampire au, explicit sexual content, angst, way too much blood/ blood drinking, b i t i n g, character death (kind of), references to drugs, religion

word count: 9.5k

summary:

“I’m not scared.”

“No?” The sharp points of his fangs graze your skin and you swallow down your whimper, head falling back against the wall. You’re not scared of what Jaemin could do to you.

You’re scared of what you want him to do to you.

notes: big thanks to @jaemallow for pushing the jaemin agenda and helping to keep me sane

“Come on, we’re going to be late.” Mark grumbles at you, throwing an agitated glance over his shoulder. You roll your eyes and slow down even more just to spite him. “Dude, my dad’s going to kill me.” “He’ll be fine. Murder’s against the word of God, y’know.” You speed up despite your words, laughing at the way Mark glares at you. 

There’s a crack in the sidewalk that he trips over and you laugh good naturedly. The street leading up to the church is in less than optimal shape, littered with cracks in the sidewalk and missing chunks of cement. Mark’s dad had tried to raise money to fix the street, but it hasn’t happened yet.

Mark starts walking slower all of a sudden and you grumble, glaring at him when he grabs your wrist to yank you backwards. You’re about to ask what his problem is when you see the three figures at the end of the road, moving closer towards you two.

“You’re kidding me.” They hear it, they must, with their superhuman senses. It only makes them smile brighter. You glance at Mark. “Wanna turn around?”

“Too late.” Mark breathes, staring straight ahead of him with wide eyes. You look away from him to find the three vampires standing directly in front of you, blocking your way.

A groan leaves you and you cross your arms, raising your eyebrows expectantly. “Can we help you?”

The ringleader of the bunch, Jaemin, smiles. “Well, since you’re offering, I suppose I am feeling a little hungry.”

The church is only one block down but if they don’t want to let you pass, you’re not going to get there. Mark shifts nervously next to you, shaking his head when you open your mouth to make a remark. That doesn’t stop you from saying it. “You realize that just because you’re from the 1200’s doesn’t mean that you have to talk like you’re from the 1200’s.”

“I resent that.” Jaemin frowns, clutching his hands to his chest likes he’s been stabbed. “I was born in 1706. It’s almost like you don’t care about me at all.”

“Is it? Must be because I don’t.” The other two vampires are silent, though one of them- Jeno- watches with amusement. The other one is unfamiliar and looks like he’s trying to figure out to pair you with white or red wine. You shudder and turn your attention to Jeno. “Nice cross. I thought shit like that burned your skin? You know, because you’re a demon and all that.”

Jeno’s eyes smile with him and it’s hard to remember that he’s a monster. He brushes his thumb against the small mark under his eye, shrugging. “Nah, only the blessed ones. Or, y’know, the silver ones. But this one? I just wanted to piss off the church daddy who told me that I deserved to rot in worse places than the sewer.“

You snort before you can stop yourself. “Church daddy?”

He waves a dismissive hand. “Church daddy, father, same thing.” A pause. “Hey, Mark, isn’t that your dad?”

Mark avoids eye contact and nods. “Yeah, but I like, I don’t like, speak for him, y’know?” He laughs nervously.

“You don’t have to.” That’s the one you don’t recognize, glaring at Mark. “We can tell it’s what you’re thinking. You don’t even have the decency to look at us?”

“And who are you? Their vampire bitch or something?” You snap to Mark’s defense, not wanting the vampires to prey on Mark’s nerves.

The boy lunges like he’s going to attack you but Jeno grabs him by the neck. Jaemin laughs. “Careful princess, that hits a little too close to home for our little Renjun over here.” To clarify, he leans a little closer and lowers his voice. Not like it matters, the other two can hear him just fine. “Jeno got carried away while feeding the other day and turned him.”

Your eyes widen in surprise and this time you don’t have a witty comeback. Vampires are monsters, yes, but they have laws. And it is very, very illegal to turn a human. “That’s-”

“Against the law?” Jeno finishes. “Yeah. It was an accident though, plus he’s from out of town! So I can’t technically get in trouble.”

“Technically.” You mock, rolling your eyes. “Whatever, we’ve got places to be so if we could speed this conversation up?”

Jaemin pouts. “So soon? You’re already late for church, why even bother going?”

You stand your ground. “Good bye, Jaemin. Make sure you do a better job of training your new puppy.” Renjun snarls at you.

“What, like how you trained your puppy?” Jaemin nods over at Mark and the boys face turns red. “Bye, y/n, Mark. I’d ask you to say hello to God for me but he doesn’t exist!”

He walks off with that as a goodbye, Renjun and Jeno on his heels. Jeno at least has the decency to smile at you and tell you to have a good rest of your day.

They’re right about one thing: going to church when you‘re already late sucks. A few people glance back at you and Mark when you sneak in, sitting in the last row. You spot your parents sitting in the front row along with Mark’s brother. Luckily none of them notice you slipping in, so they won’t know just how late you were.

Mark seems on edge and you pat his knee, frowning at how violently he flinches. You raise an eyebrow, silently asking if he’s okay. He just gives you a tight smile. Mark’s always been a nervous kid, so you figure it has to do with the little vampire interaction you just had. Or fear that his dad will yell at him for being late. They’re both pretty scary.

It’s not until after the service that you talk to your parents- your mother taking the time to hug Mark and pinch his cheeks before she even looks at you- and your father asks where you were.

“It was my fault, sir.” Mark speaks up, knowing that your parents adore him and won’t be upset. “I couldn’t find my church clothes, I forgot that they were in the wash and had to sort through all of my laundry. Y/n was an angel and stayed with me to help.”

“Huh,” Your father says, looking Mark up and down. “Well, your shoes could use a good polishing, but you look sharp, kid. Good man.” He pats Mark’s shoulder and walks off to talk to a friend. Your mother raises an eyebrow and shrugs, loading you up with tasks to take care of when you get home.

Do the dishes, fold the laundry, remember to take the store bought pie out of the container and pop it onto a plate so that it looks homemade. “Oh, and one last thing.” She stops you, turning away from her conversation about her book club meeting with some lady that she can’t stand. “I don’t want you walking through the city. Those vampires are getting braver and braver, attacking in broad daylight.”

“Okay, I’ll take the long way.” You promise her. She nods, and satisfied that you won’t die, turns back to her friends. You say goodbye to Mark and a handful of other people- most of whom you don’t like- and head home.

You have absolutely no intention of taking the long way home. It adds an extra half an hour to your walk and you swear you always get attacked by bugs. Besides, vampires might be dangerous, but it’s not like you have a high chance of encountering one. The three you’d talked to earlier were harmless, two of them attending your same university.

Jeno did medical research, occasionally stepping in to teach if the professors needed help. He’s technically a doctor, but he finds ways to multitask. The benefits of being immortal, you suppose, is that you learn a lot, especially if you’ve been alive since the 1100’s. He was nice enough by himself, though he would never answer your questions about history. Not that he wouldn’t try, but the poor guy would just get so confused that he would end up rambling about a completely unrelated topic.

Jaemin was a little different. He took classes, though his goal was to learn about interesting topics and keep up with the culture, not to fit in like Edward Cullen and prey on teenage girls. For someone so old, he’s surprisingly good at the technology classes, learning how to use a camera faster than your much younger parents. Jaemin also holds tutoring sessions for struggling students, pretty much offering help for every subject. Sometimes he assists Jeno with his research, though he never says what they’re researching. It’s always the same vague answer: medicine.

You know them pretty well, and yet you wouldn’t say that you’re friends. Vampires and humans coexist, but it’s not always that peaceful. There’s a definite divide between the two, a definite feeling of “we’re better than them” coming from both sides. And you can see why that divide is there, you can understand why.

After all, it’s not like you’re too fond of vampires yourself.

Cursed to hell, is a phrase used too often by your parents, by the church. God’s reject’s is another. And when you look at them, it’s hard to disagree with those statements.

They don’t burn in the sun but they can’t touch silver, can’t say God’s name, can’t enter a building without explicit permission. They catch on fire when they enter holy places (they’re fine to enter the one across town, but that’s another story).

Similar insults are used to describe humans. “How can you call us God’s rejects when you die so easily?” One vampire had countered when you were in middle school, pointing out that vampires couldn’t get diseases or die of natural causes like a human. He’d called you weak. You’d thrown a cross at him. Both of you had been suspended.

Still, you don’t hate vampires. And you especially can’t hate vampires now, not when you’re failing your chemistry class and your only option for help is Na Jaemin.

Mark has a different opinion. “Y/n, you can’t go to his house! He’ll kill you!”

You laugh. “Mark, come on. It’s either he kills me, or my parents kill me when they find out I wasted my tuition on a class I failed. It’ll be fine.” He still looks unhappy. You wiggle your fingers at him. “Look! I have silver rings on. I’m wearing my cross. I’ll be fine.”

“I’m not going to be the one telling your parents you were killed by a vampire, y/n.” He sounds dead serious and you raise your eyebrows. 

“Mark, I’m helping with a research project. I’m not deciding to work for the food bank.” You point out. “This is the only way I can make up my grade, Mark. It’s generous of my professor to even let me do this.” He sighs, knowing there’s no arguing with you, and pulls his necklace off. Walking closer, he drapes the silver cross over your head. “Fine. Just, please be careful.” You smile and pat his cheek, tucking the charm under the collar of your shirt. “I always am.”

Jaemin lives in a pretty nice house on the top of the hill, which sucks because your calves are burning by the time you get up there. It has a pretty view, though, and it’s a decent distance away from his closest neighbor. You always joke that he could kill someone up here. Going up alone, that joke doesn’t seem as funny.

He’s got an old fashioned knocker on the wooden door that you only use because you’re not too fond of digging splinters out of your hands. It makes a pretty solid sound, and it barely takes five seconds before Jaemin answers the door. He looks good, wearing a dark blue button up with his hair pushed off of his forehead. Almost like he put some effort in. He obviously catches you giving him a once over and he grins.

“Eager to see me?” You tease, stepping past him into his house. He laughs, rolling his eyes.

“Oh, of course. The world revolves around you, I just had to get a glimpse.” Jaemin drawls. 

“Alright, what’s the research project?” You ask, wanting to get straight to the point. “I’m only here because I need to pass my class, Jaemin.

He takes his time flipping through a book on his coffee table before glancing up at you, rolling his sleeves up to his forearms. “The effects of vampire blood in humans.”

Your eyebrows skyrocket. “If you say that you’re making me drink your blood, we’re going to have a problem.”

“Fucking hell, y/n. I know you humans have a problem with vampires, but I’m a researcher. I do research, and I do it just as responsibly and professionally as human researchers.” Jaemin snaps, and it’s probably the first time you’ve ever heard him not use a flirting or teasing tone. “And besides, we already know what that would do. It would only turn you.” You swallow thickly at the thought of being turned. “Then what do you need me here for?” “We just need a few of your cells and a tiny blood sample.” Jaemin says, moving to where you stand next to the counter. “We’re researching if vampire blood has an effect on strengthening human cells, or preventing undesirable circumstances that affect humans. You know, aging, disease, the like.” He hands you some paperwork and you glance over it briefly. There’s nothing about him draining you dry of blood, so you sign it. “Great. We won’t be taking the samples today considering we’re at my house, but I’ll walk you through the basics of what we’re doing. You know, assuming that you’re smart enough to understand it.” “I’m not fucking dumb, Jaemin.” You snap, glaring at him.

“No, of course not.” He sympathises, smiling down at you. “Just a little slow. Come on y/n, you’re failing one of the easiest courses at the university. You’re not exactly smart.”

You shove the papers over to Jaemin, purposely letting your silver rings graze his exposed skin. Jaemin flinches back from your touch, a sharp hiss leaving him as he grabs at his wrist. He glares at you. “You fucking serious?”

It’s mean, but what he said wasn’t exactly nice. You meet his gaze head on, eyebrow arched. “What’s the matter, leech? Can’t take the heat?” He takes a deep breath and closes his eyes to ground himself. It’s probably not smart to goad him, but that’s exactly what you do. “Aww, don’t ignore me, leech. It’s rude. Didn’t your parents ever teach you any manners?”

All the air in your body leaves you with a whoosh as Jaemin pins you up against the wall, wrists held over your head by one of his hands. A dull pain radiates through your body and you’re sure you’ll have bruises on your back from the impact, not that Jaemin seems to care. The boy stares down at you with dark eyes, standing way too close for comfort. 

“My parents died 300 years ago.” Jaemin snarls. “But yours are still alive. Didn’t they teach you to respect your elders?”

“You’re not older than me.” The words are intended to be fierce, defiant. They come out shaky, timid. “You’re a dead man, Jaemin.”

That makes him laugh, though you don’t think he’s found your words funny. “Yeah? Do I seem dead to you?” He tightens his grip on your wrist and uses his free hand to tilt your chin up, make you look him in the eyes. “I can feel your heartbeat, little girl. You’re scared.”

“I’m not scared.” You are. He knows that.

“No?” He raises his eyebrows, cocking his head to the side before dipping down, letting his mouth hover over your neck. “Not even now?”

You shake your head, swallowing down a whimper. He’s right about your heartbeat, it’s fluttering so frantically that you can hear it in your ears, feel it under your skin. You’re scared, but not for the reasons he thinks you are.

Jaemin smiles at you, fangs on full display, and moves even closer to your neck. The sharp points of his fangs graze your skin and you swallow down your whimper, head falling back against the wall. You’re not scared of what Jaemin could do to you.

You’re scared of what you want him to do to you.

He scrapes his fangs along your neck, an action that’s painful in the most pleasurable way, but doesn’t break the skin. His tongue darts out instead, soothing over the pain before his lips press to your skin in an open mouthed kiss. Your fingers flex above your head and you ache to touch him, to fist your hand in his soft hair and pull him closer.

A moan leaves you and he pulls away, pressing his thumb to the area. Jaemin can feel your pulse from there and he smirks at how frantically your heart beats.

“You’re not scared?” Jaemin asks, the question condescending. He doesn’t believe you. “You do realize that I could sink my fangs into your pretty little neck and drain you dry, right?”

The mention of him biting you drags a keen out of your throat, and you find yourself whimpering out a “please” before you can help yourself. It has Jaemin pausing, eyes roaming over you as he reassesses the situation.

“Oh, you really aren’t scared.” Jaemin smirks. “Who knew that you were so fucking filthy?” He doesn’t wait for a response, dipping his head down and trailing the tip of his tongue up your throat. It feels nice, so, so nice, but it’s interrupted by a burning pain, a sob ripping from you at the intensity of it.

You thrash against his hold, but then the pain starts to get replaced with a pleasure unlike anything you’ve ever felt, and you slowly melt into his touch, arching against him to expose more of your throat.

Jaemin pulls away eventually, licking over your wound a few times before pulling back to give you a bloody grin. “Feels good, yeah?” You nod, and the bliss must be apparent on your face because Jaemin chuckles darkly before leaning back in. “You want more, don’t you?”

“Yeah, want it.” The words are breathless and slur together, your body thrumming with heat, begging for more. Jaemin does the opposite of what you want and steps away.

“Be a good girl and take those fucking rings off, then.” Jaemin commands, and you swear you’ve never moved faster than you’re moving now, carelessly dropping your jewelry to the floor. Mark’s necklace lands near his foot and he scowls at it, crushing the piece of metal beneath the heel of his shoe.

You immediately grab for him when you’re done, but Jaemin doesn’t let you pull him forward. He just scoops you up into his arms, carrying you to the sofa. You end up straddling his lap, his back pressing into the couch, and he wastes no time before sinking his fangs back into your neck.

“God,” You breathe out, winding your arms around his neck, pulling his head closer to you. “F-fuck, Jaem, that feels so good.”

He just hums against your throat, continuing to suck and lick at the wound. There’s a little bit of blood on his lips when he pulls away and you wipe at it with your thumb before letting the digit slip past his lips. He sucks on it slowly, gazing up at you with dark eyes, and lets his fangs graze the skin. Arousal jolts through you and you whimper, pulling your hand away and dragging him back to your neck.

“Baby wants more?” Jaemin teases, not waiting for an answer before sinking his fangs into you, this spot even more sensitive than the last. You whine loudly, tugging at his hair and feeling your eyes roll back in your head at the euphoria spreading through your body. Your head feels fuzzy and there’s so much heat coursing through you that you can barely function.

“Mhmm, yeah.” You pant out. “Want more. Oh my God Jaemin, I’m so fucking wet.”

Jaemin groans at your words, one of his hands sliding up your thigh before moving inwards, cupping your pussy over your clothes. He pulls his hand away when you try to grind down, grabbing onto your hip to stop your movements.

“No.” He growls, the simple word vibrating through your entire body and making you shake. “You come from this, nothing else.”

Tears slip down your cheeks as you hold onto him for dear life, your core clenching desperately around nothing. You hug him tighter, letting your head fall back on your shoulders to expose more of your throat, your lips parted to let Jaemin drag sound after sound of pleasure out of you. It feels good, way too good considering the action, and you lose yourself to the feeling.

The collar of your shirt is tugged down and then Jaemin’s lips are attaching to the top of your breast, fangs sinking into the delicate flesh. You keen and shove your chest further into his face, not knowing what else to do besides hold onto him for dear life. Your body feels heavy but your head feels light and it’s such a startling contrast to the euphoria coursing through your veins that it makes you dizzy. It’s hard to see straight, let alone think straight, and your pussy throbs with every little bit of blood that Jaemin takes from your body. Your hips rock against nothing but air, desperately searching for some sort of friction, something to fill your needy cunt, but you can’t find anything and it has you sobbing out in frustration.

More bite marks are left, more electricity shoots through your body, more wetness drips out of your pussy. You swear you’ve never felt this good in your life, and that’s only confirmed when Jaemin seals his lips over the first mark he left, licking and sucking at the wound until it opens all over again and you feel yourself falling, white flashing behind your eyes as the most intense orgasm of your life crashes over you. You grab at Jaemin as tightly as you can, screaming his name and babbling incoherently as he drags out your pleasure, lets you get high off all of his kisses and bites.

It lasts forever, and it takes even longer for you to come down to yourself, Jaemin stroking your hair and your back. You open your eyes to find him already looking at you, his face clean and dry of any blood. It takes you a while to notice that there’s an ice pack on your neck and a plate of food on the table in front of you, and you vaguely wonder how long you were out for if Jaemin had time to do all of this for you.

“Don’t move too fast, baby.” Jaemin cautions, noticing you struggling to sit up. “I took way more blood than I meant to, you’re gonna feel a little weak.” “A little?” Your muscles feel like jelly when you try to push yourself off of him and you collapse back onto Jaemin’s chest with a soft groan. Jaemin huffs a laugh and helps you sit up, turning you around on his lap so that your back is to his chest. He drops a soft kiss to your ear and your eyelids flutter. 

“Here, take these.” Pills are dropped into your hand, a bottle of some energy drink you don’t recognize. “It’ll replace all the nutrients and stuff you lost.” Jaemin watches you down the drink in one go, tossing it across the room when you hand the empty bottle back to him. “How are you feeling?”

Your vision is much clearer than it was, though you still feel lethargic and would like to do nothing except lay down in a soft bed for the rest of your life. “My head hurts.” Jaemin hums. “Okay. I would rattle off some instructions for you to follow but I know it’ll just make your headache worse. I’ll write them down for you instead, how’s that.” “You’re so self aware.” Reality hits you when you feel the bruises on your throat, on your chest, and realize that yes, all of that did just happen. “Um. I didn’t know it could feel that-” You trail off, hand waving vaguely in the air. “Good?” Jaemin offers, laughing when you nod. “Mhmm, did they not tell you about that? I’m sure they make it sound like being bitten by a vampire is the worst thing imaginable at that fancy church you go to.” You look away, embarrassed, and Jaemin laughs. “You know that humans make drugs out of our saliva, right? That’s why there are hunters.” Your eyes shoot open in alarm. “Really? That’s awful.”

 Jaemin hums, nodding. “Yeah, well, when it’s profitable...” He laughs bitterly. “Anyways, it’s an expensive drug. And you just got that shit for free.”

“I feel so honored.” You laugh, snuggling into him. He pushes you back. 

“Y/n, I need you to understand something.” Jaemin says, tone suddenly serious. His eyes burn straight into your soul. “That was a mistake. I’m not- we can’t do that again.”

It shouldn’t hurt you. What you just did is considered shameful by many, you should be relieved that he’s telling you it can’t happen again. You shouldn’t want to spend more time with a vampire. “Oh. Yeah, yeah of course.” You nod, looking away from his intense gaze to blink back your tears. “Yeah, we just got carried away.” Jaemin looks like he wants to say something else, lips parting for a second before shaking his head, offering a tight smile instead. “We got everything done that we needed to get done. You should rest now.” 

He doesn’t mean now as in right this second, which he made especially clear after telling you that it was a mistake, but you can’t help it. You’re asleep in seconds.

When you wake up for the second time, Jaemin is nowhere to be found. You’re in your own bed, tucked in nice and neatly, and you smile as you realize it meant that the vampire had carried you home. There’s the list of instructions that he’d promised you on your nightstand, signed with nearly illegible hand-writing. Your smile grows before promptly dropping off. Vampires can’t get into a house without being invited. You’ve never invited him in, which means that he must’ve either asked permission from Mark or your parents. Neither is good.

The gravity of the situation hits you when Mark walks into your room, jaw set, arms crossed. He blanches when he sees your neck, the sight clearly making him uncomfortable. “Holy- y/n, I told you that you couldn’t trust Jaemin. You’re lucky I was here when you brought you home because I can guarantee your parents would react way worse than me.”

“Jaemin was fine. He didn’t do anything I didn’t want him to.” You see the exact moment that those words process in Mark’s mind, his face going from worried to angry.

“You let him drink from you? What were you thinking? Y/n, you look like you got mauled.” Mark sounds disgusted and you try not to shrink into yourself.

The bruises ache when you press over one of them and an overwhelming sense of embarrassment washes over you at how it makes you shiver. “Relax, it’s not like I let him turn me. We just got caught up in the heat of the moment. Mark, it felt so good.” Your eyelids flutter shut at the memory, snapping back open when Mark scoffs.

“So what? You want to be their blood bag now?” Mark’s voice rises in pitch as he yells and the sound grates on your nerves. “Wanna be a vampire whore for the rest of your life? Live in a dusty ass attic and let whoever walks by have a go at you?” “Mark, what- do you hear yourself? What the fuck is your problem?” Mark’s been your best friend since you were five. Never, never, have you heard him talk like this. It hurts.

“Do I hear myself? Y/n, I should be the one asking you that. Here you are, creaming yourself while talking about letting some fucking, some bloodsucker tear your throat open! It’s disgusting.” Mark scoffs, shaking his head. “You’re just as bad as Do-” He cuts himself off suddenly, but you know what he was about to say. “Just as bad as who? Donghyuck?” You shake your head, feeling hot tears prick at the back of your eyes. “It must run in the family to become filthy disappointments, then.”

Mark’s eyes soften and he grabs your wrist, rubbing circles into your skin with his thumb. “It’s not too late for you. Let’s go to the church, you can pray for forgiveness.”

You feel numb when you nod, letting Mark wrap a scarf around your neck and lead you down the road. He sits next to you in the pews, rubbing your shoulder while you rest your forehead on your hands, pretending to pray. But you can’t focus, can’t stop thinking about your brother.

Donghyuck was Mark’s best friend before you were. The three of you would hang out a lot, though you only joined the two because as Donghyuck’s younger sister, he felt obligated to include you. The two boys were inseparable, and then one day, they weren’t.

Your parents say that he was tainted by the devil. Mark’s father says that he betrayed God. You think Donghyuck simply fell in love. And love is a beautiful thing, but not when it’s between a vampire and a human. Your brother was forced to choose between his family and his love.

In the end, he chose love. 

That night, you toss and turn in bed, unable to stop thinking about your brother. If he’s alive, if he’s a vampire. If he’s dead. What you would do in his situation. Not that it matters, because you wouldn’t fall in love with a vampire, but you can’t help but wonder. Is it really that bad? They were once human, too. 

The thought doesn’t leave your mind even when you go to the lab, meeting an uncharacteristically quiet Jaemin, and a very excited looking Jeno. “Y/n! Thank you so much for doing this!” “Yeah, well, gotta pass my classes somehow.” You laugh. Jaemin doesn’t meet your eyes when you look at him, keeping his gaze just a little too low and frowning. 

“Seriously though, this is great. I’ve been trying to get permission for this experiment for ages, the fact that the administration finally caved is insane.” Jeno says, turning to ruffle through some papers on the desk. You shoot a curious glance at Jaemin, finally realizing that he’s staring at your neck. Or well, your covered neck. He’s trying to see the marks. With a glance towards Jeno, you carefully slide the fabric of your turtle neck down, laughing silently at how Jaemin inhales sharply, lips parting slightly. You yank it back up when Jeno turns around. “Jaemin informed you of the experiment, correct?” You shoot Jaemin a look. “Yeah! You just need to take a couple of blood samples, right?” Jeno shakes his head, tilting his head at Jaemin. “Not exactly. We’re going to need you to take microdoses of vampire blood.”

It takes a moment to register. “You want me to drink vampire blood?” You screech, eyes bulging. “That’s going to turn me!” Jeno shakes his head, laughing. “With the amount we’re giving you? No. It’ll only turn you if a vampire drinks your blood, and you die. You’ll be fine.” Next to you, Jaemin stiffens. You bite your lip. “Um. Like at the same time, or?” “It doesn’t have to be at the exact same time. If you’ve been bitten before, you can’t drink any blood or you’ll be turned. But again, that’s only if you die.” Jeno tilts his head. “Have you been bitten before?” “Jeno.” Jaemin draws his attention away before you can respond. “It’s just a microdose, right? Like, barely enough to have an effect?” He considers this. “Well, I mean, not enough to have negative effects.” 

You and Jaemin share a long look. Jaemin had drunk your blood not even a week earlier. It's dangerous. But it’s a small amount. Jeno said there wouldn’t be any negative effects. And you can’t fail this class. You send Jaemin a pleading look. Jaemin swallows thickly and looks back to Jeno.

“She’ll be fine?” Jaemin’s voice is shaky. 

Jeno nods. “Caring for a human? That’s odd, coming from you. But yeah, she’ll be fine.”

You exhale heavily. “I’ll do it.”

There are more papers to be signed, more blood to be drawn. Though this time Jeno takes it in a much more professional manner, drawing it out and putting it into a test tube. Next to you, Jaemin squeezes his eyes shut and you watch his jaw clench. You want to tease him but you can’t, not in front of Jeno.

Despite Jeno’s reassurances, the worry doesn’t leave you. He doesn’t know what you and Jaemin did, doesn’t know that you’ve been bitten by a vampire. And maybe it doesn’t matter- it’s not like you’re going to die or anything, which is what needs to happen for you to turn- but you need some sort of comfort. 

That’s how you end up bailing on your Friday night dinner with Mark’s family, saying that you need to finish a project that’s due that night. Your parents roll their eyes and scold you for not taking your studies seriously, but let you skip the dinner. Mark shakes his head at you, disapproving of you working with a vampire, but keeps his mouth shut. 

If Jaemin’s surprised when you show up at his door, he doesn’t show it. He just smirks at you, leaning against the door frame. “Hey blood bag.” You scoff and shove past him into the house, dropping down onto the sofa you sat on last time. “When did you start calling me that, leech?”

“When you let me drink from you.” Jaemin says plainly, sitting next to you. “Is there a reason you’re here? I mean, I know I’m irresistible, but-” “But we didn’t tell Jeno you drank from me.” You interrupt. “We need to tell him. He’s been waiting forever for this, he’ll be devastated if we ruin it.”

Jaemin nods, considering it. “Y/n, you know you’ll get kicked off the project if we tell him, right?” You nod, biting your lip. “Look, Jeno’s been my best friend for hundreds of years. I hate keeping this from him more than you do.” “Then why are you?” It doesn’t make sense. You’re certainly not friends, or at least you weren’t before last week. 

He doesn’t answer. His eyes are dark and it looks like there’s a war raging behind them, but he doesn’t elaborate on what’s bothering him. The sharp points of his teeth dig into his bottom lip as he bites it nervously, blood beading at the cut when he finally looks back at you.

You don’t think when you bring your thumb up to swipe at his lower lip, skin coming away red. Jaemin watches in fascination as you bring the digit up to your own mouth, sliding it past your lips, sucking the blood away. He swallows thickly.

“Does it feel as good for you as it does for me?” You ask, glancing from his lips to his face. He shakes his head gently.

“It feels good for you because of our saliva.” Jaemin explains. “But it doesn’t feel bad when you do it, it’s just-” He makes a vague gesture with his hand as if trying to pull the words out of thin air. “It’s very intimate.”

He licks his lips, then, digs his teeth back into his bottom lip. It’s a subconscious movement but you still lean in to press a kiss over where the blood pricks up, nipping just hard enough to have a growl rumbling in Jaemin’s chest before soothing the wound with your tongue. You pull away and smile, licking the blood off of your lips. 

You don’t even have time to make a witty remark over how affected Jaemin looks because he’s pulling you onto his lap, crashing your lips together with enough force that you’re sure they’ll bruise. It draws a moan from you and Jaemin eagerly drinks it in, fisting his hand in your hair and deepening the kiss. 

A gasp leaves you when he pulls away, trails his lips down your throat. You tense in anticipation, a whine getting trapped in your throat when his fangs just barely scrape the skin. He leaves a wet kiss there, pulling away to look up at you. “Want me to bite you, baby?”

“God, yeah.” You moan out, tilting your head to expose more of your neck. 

“Ah, I’d rather you didn’t say that name in my house.” Jaemin laughs. He moves back to your throat, digging his fangs into the spot he’d marked. There’s less pain this time, pleasure coursing through you almost instantly. You whine and tighten your grip on his hair.

Electricity runs through your veins as Jaemin takes what he wants, marking up your body. You breathe out something along the lines of “want more” and Jaemin takes it to heart, scooping you up and carrying you to his room in record time. He tosses you onto the mattress, crawling over you not even a second later to press his lips to yours. 

He fits himself easily between your legs, rocking his hips down in a rare show of desperation. You can feel exactly how affected he is, his hardness pressing deliciously against your core. Another plea of “more” is whispered against his lips and he doesn’t need any more encouragement, pulling away to move further down your body. He kisses and nips his way down your torso, pushing your shirt up to reveal more skin to him, dropping kiss after kiss to the sensitive skin just above the waistband of your pants. Your core throbs at the feeling of having him so close to you and you squirm, trying to spread your legs more, trying to articulate that you need something, anything. 

“J-Jaemin, take them off.” You whine, pushing at the waistband. “I need you.”

The coldness of his hands brushing against your skin when he drags your pants down has you shivering, squirming. He tosses your clothing to the floor and wastes no time attaching his lips to the inside of your thigh, holding you down when you squirm. 

“Is this okay?” Jaemin asks, concern mixing with his arousal. He brushes his index finger over your pussy, making your back arch in an effort to get him closer to where you need him. 

“More than.” Despite your assurances, Jaemin doesn’t touch you. He moves his hand up to your abdomen, flattening his palm to keep you pinned down. You whine in annoyance, but the teeth dragging over your inner thigh has you shutting up. A gasp leaves you before he even sinks his fangs in, your pussy absolutely throbbing with need. He presses another gentle kiss to the skin and, raising his gaze to make eye contact with you, bites you.

It’s more intense than when he bit your neck or your chest. It sets your body on fire in the best of ways, leaves you writhing under his touch. Your eyes roll in your head and your hands flail in an effort to grab something, anything to ground yourself. It’s amazing, and just when you think you’ve reached heaven, he touches you.

You’re soaking wet and Jaemin’s fingers slide into you effortlessly, fill you up so well. It’s too much effort to keep your eyes open and so you let them drift shut, let yourself fall into the bliss. There’s pressure against your lips and you open your eyes to find Jaemin hovering over you, sliding two fingers past your lips. You didn’t even realize he’d stopped biting you.

“Suck.” He commands, and who are you to disobey? You wrap your lips around the digits and hum at the taste of yourself, at the weight of them in your mouth. “Taste good, baby?” “Mhmm, yeah.” Your words are slurred around the digits and you suck even harder around them, letting your tongue trace patterns around them. Jaemin swears softly and grinds down against your thigh. 

He presses one more kiss to your lips before sliding down your body. “My turn to taste.”

Maybe there should be some sort of alarm going through your system when Jaemin lowers his mouth to your core. Some sort of reminder that he has some very sharp fangs, that he has just bit you in multiple places, and that his fangs are right in the place that fangs should never be. But it feels heavenly when he licks a stripe between your folds, when he fucks his tongue into your hole. His hands keep you pinned to the mattress, super strength coming in handy to control your squirming. 

The pleasure consumes you and it’s so much, too much, and your eyes want to squeeze shut but Jaemin looks up at you and his gaze is magnetic, making it impossible to look away from him. Your body’s on fire, burning brighter with every flick of his tongue, every moan he lets out into your core. He pulls away to drop his head to the apex of your thigh, digging his fangs into the delicate skin there, and you can’t fight the scream that rips from your throat. You’re babbling, chanting incoherent words as you try to explain how good it feels, how you never want him to stop. His hair is soft in your grip and it’s the only thing keeping you anchored, the only thing preventing you from drowning in pleasure. 

“You taste so good, baby.” Jaemin moans, pulling away momentarily to make a show of licking his lips. “Everything about you is so delicious.” He returns to your core, lapping at your hole before flicking his tongue over your clit, laughing at how your body jolts. There’s nothing but hunger in his eyes as he sucks your clit between his lips, fucking two fingers into your needy cunt. He does it again, hitting all of your sensitive spots, making you scream with bliss as you finally tip over the edge. 

Wave after wave of euphoria crash into you and your lungs burn as your gasp for air. You’re drowning in the best way possible, surrounded by nothing but pleasure and Jaemin, Jaemin, Jaemin.

He works you through it with gentle flicks of his tongue, hands smoothing over your thighs to bring you back down. You manage to find enough strength to shove at his head when it gets to be too much, tiredly sinking into the mattress when he pulls away. Jaemin wipes at his mouth and bends down to kiss you lazily, nipping at your lip just to hear you whine. He smooths your hair down and brushes a few strands out of your face, smiling down at how fucked out you are. And you’d be content to lay wrapped in his arms, with Jaemin cooing softly at how pretty you are and petting your head, but you can feel how hard he is.

“Jaemin,” You murmur, shifting in his hold. “Jaem, wanna make you feel good.” “It’s alright, you don’t h- oh, shit baby- you don’t have to.” He has to fight to get the words out, a groan interrupting his sentence when you grab at his cock. You pout at him and manage to tug his pants down just enough for you to pull him out. 

“But I want to.” You smile, leaning up for a kiss. Jaemin doesn’t bother replying, just presses his lips back to yours and melts into your touch. The way you jerk him off is lazy, your energy drained from how intense your orgasm was. Though with the way Jaemin groans against your lips and tightens his grip on your hip, you don’t think that he minds.

He moans your name when he comes, a beautiful sound that has your stomach twisting with heat. White spills over your knuckles and onto his stomach and you bring your hand up to your mouth, licking at it curiously. Jaemin watches you with heavy lids before collapsing onto the mattress. 

“Fuck,” He sighs, eyelids drifting shut. “Why’re you so good to me?” “Why are you so good to me?” You mumble back in response, curling up into him. “Thanks for not biting my pussy.” Something  about that sets Jaemin off and his body shakes with the laughter running through him. A giggle leaves you. “What?” Jaemin shakes his head, still laughing. “Nothing. Come on, gotta get you some food.” 

And that’s how it goes. You and Jaemin continue to hook up, although he does end up saying ‘fuck it’ and attempting to actually teach you chemistry. Despite Mark’s fears, he doesn’t end up killing you. He’s a lot of fun to be around, plus he keeps his pantry stocked with various snacks. Sometimes he even cooks for you, if he’s feeling nice.

“What’s a vampire doing with all this food?” You ask one day, watching him make fried rice. He doesn’t respond, just staring down at the pan and offering you a shrug, though you swear you see him blush. 

Your professor raises your grade to a C. It’s not stellar but it also isn’t failing, which you will happily take. There’s only a little bit of guilt when she beams at you while telling you how happy Jeno is with your dedication to the project. 

Jeno continues to take blood samples, and you continue to not tell him that you’ve been bitten. It eats you up inside, but Jaemin’s always there to reassure you. Whether he’s trying to comfort you or himself more is up for debate.

Everything stays the same except for Mark.

He gets more distant, grows a little more resentful. There’s no smiles or teasing jokes, except for the polite ones he flashes in front of your parents. He starts to make up lies, too, which is something you promised to never do. Excuses to get him out of plans, saying there’s nothing wrong. And your best friend, the most timid, nicest boy you’ve ever met, begins to pick petty fights with you.

You’re over it, and it bothers you even if you try not to let it show. Jaemin rubs your back and tells you it’ll be okay, but you know it won’t. Because Jaemin’s the reason that Mark’s distant. And you have no plans to stop seeing him.

Talking to Jaemin, you’re sure Mark would have liked him if the circumstances were different. If Mark didn’t hate vampires so much, or if Jaemin were just a regular human college student like you. But those aren’t the circumstances, and so you have to deal with Mark’s whiny ass showing up at your door to drag you to church.

“Mark, it’s Thursday night.” You groan, shaking your textbook at him. “I have work to do!” 

“Yeah, you also have praying to do.” Mark snaps, grabbing the book out of your hands. “Not like you even understand this.”

Which, ouch, that kind of hurts. Especially when Mark knows that you’re frustrated that you can’t get the subject down even though you try. You glare at him and reach for the book. “Mark, give it back. And I actually do understand this, Jaemin’s been helping-” “Helping what? Taint you? Turn you into one of their blood whores?” Mark grabs the book back and throws it across the room. “Y/n, come on. I’m not letting this happen to you too.” He pulls you after him despite your grumbling, though he at least has the decency to let you put shoes on. Just because you go freely doesn’t mean you’re happy about it, complaining as Mark drags you through the city. “Jesus Christ Mark, has it ever occurred to you that Donghyuck had free will? That he willingly chose to be with her because he loved her?” You’re fed up with Mark, fed up with everyone. “God Mark, they’re not that bad!” Mark stares at you for a moment. “What, they’re brainwashing you too? How is it that both you and your brother are so dumb? I know you weren’t raised like this.”

“Well at least I wasn’t raised to be such an ignorant asshole.” You snap. “I have the ability to make my own decisions, something you apparently lack.” “Oh, so what’s that supposed to mean?” Mark stops walking suddenly, crossing his arms as he waits for an answer. You open your mouth to yell at him when a flash of movement catches your eyes. Squinting, you make out a group of guys, and they’re close enough that you can hear them laughing when one of them wipes… is that blood on his mouth? “Mark, we have to go.” You whisper. The vampires don’t see you and you’re hoping that you can get the two of you out of there safely. “Come on-” “No, tell me what you mean!” Mark yells, stubbornly standing in place. You groan and try to drag him away but he doesn’t budge. “Come on y/n, tell me what you fucking mean.” You shoot a worried glance over your shoulder, surprised when you don’t see the vampires. There’s a second of relief, lasting only until you turn around to find them standing right behind Mark. You squeak in surprise. Mark freezes too, one of the men having grabbed him by the shoulders. His face presses way too close to Mark’s neck and you jump when you feel hands on your own shoulders.

“Aww, lover’s spat?” The guy holding Mark laughs. “That’s okay, we’ve all been there, right guys?” The rest of his friends cackle in the creepiest way that you can imagine. “Come on, we can resolve this.” You and Mark look back and forth between each other worriedly. There’s no way out of this, you realize. No way to even try. 

“Don’t you wanna know how we can resolve this?” This time the guy holding you speaks and it’s so close to your ear that you flinch, nearly jumping out of your skin. He laughs and his fangs graze your skin, but it doesn’t send pleasure through you like when Jaemin does it. It sends chills down your spine, makes you want to cry. “Answer me.” “N-no.” You stutter out, eyes squeezed shut in fear. “Please, just let us go.” The guy sighs and lets go of you. “Alright.” You and Mark share a look before bolting, adrenaline pumping through your veins. Freedom only lasts for a second before you’re being grabbed again, yanked backwards. 

“Stupid girl. I don’t appreciate being told no.” You whimper and you can hear Mark screaming your name, screaming for help, screaming for anything.

It’s the last thing you hear.

“Jaemin, you’re an idiot. Literally the dumbest person I know.” There’s a familiar voice swimming through your head and you try to move towards it, finding your entire body feels drained.

“Yes, I’ve been told.” Is that Jaemin’s voice? It sounds a lot clearer, drags you out of the darkness. “But look, it ended up being good, right? She’s alive.” You finally manage to pry your eyes open and immediately regret it, slamming them shut and curling into yourself. A groan leaves you and the two stop talking. “Y/N? Baby, it’s me.” There’s a hand on your cheek, brushing against the skin gently, and you press into his touch. “How are you feeling?” “Bad.” You croak out through a dry throat, cringing at how dry it feels. Jaemin laughs softly and something presses to your lips. “Here, drink this.”

You didn’t realize how hungry you were until you get the first taste, and then suddenly you find the strength in your body to take gulp after gulp of the drink. It brings a little bit of warmth to your body, makes you feel less achy. You even manage to pry your eyelids open.

Jeno and Jaemin greet you, both men looking relieved. Jaemin beams at you, dipping down for a kiss. “Hey baby.” “What happened?” You frown, trying to remember how you got to Jaemin’s couch. “Did I- I was walking to the church and we were attacked.” Oh shit, you weren’t alone. You search frantically around the room. “Did Mark- is he okay?” The thought of your best friend- no matter how strained your relationship was at the end- dying is too much for you to handle. 

Jaemin smiles. “He’s the one that brought you to me.”

“He’s okay?” Jeno nods in confirmation.

“They only wanted to kill for fun, guess you were enough.” Jeno says. “Speaking of killing, Jaemin has a lot of explaining to do. And since I don’t trust him to do a good job, I’m going to stay here!” You look between the two. “Kill? Am I- I’m dead?” Jaemin makes a face. “Fucking- I’m a vampire?” Your words come out shrill and the two boys cringe.

“Yeah, sorry.” Jaemin scratches the back of his neck. “My bad. But, um, I’ll take care of you! Don’t worry.” Then, to Jeno: “Come on man, can’t we have a second of peace? I literally never thought I was going to see her again.” Jeno sighs, glaring at his friend before walking away. “Dramatic.” 

You’re in Jaemin’s arms in the next second, held close to his chest. “Fuck y/n, I’m so sorry.” His voice is shaky and he keeps his face pressed into your neck. “This is all my fault, I don’t know how I’m going to make it up to you.” “We’ll figure it out later.” You tug at his hair to get him to look you in the eyes. “I almost died, Jaemin. Give me a headache later. Right now…” You trail off, letting your lips stretch wide. “Kiss me.” It draws a snort from Jaemin. “You were dead like an hour ago and now you want to fuck?” “No!” You whine and smack his chest. “I just want a kiss, get your mind out of the gutter.” Jaemin teases you some more, making you laugh and smack him to stop before you finally say fuck it and pull him closer, smashing your lips together. He smiles into the kiss, wrapping his arms around your body. You have a lot to worry about, but you’ve also got all the time in the world to worry about it. It makes you sick to think about, and for now, you want to just relax. Not that Jaemin seems to mind, happily letting you curl into his chest, stroking your head. You’re not alone, you have Jaemin, and you know he’ll help you through this.

+ You’re not expecting a welcome home party. You’re also not expecting to find all of your belongings scattered across the front yard, having very clearly been chucked from your bedroom window. 

“Lovely.” You scoff, staring at the mess. The front door has the biggest cross you’ve ever seen nailed to it, complete with the silver door knob that you promptly burn yourself on. You stare at the door, wondering if you should knock. It swings open before you make your mind up.

Mark stares back at you with wide eyes and parted lips. “Y/n? You’re alive?”

“Hey, Mark.” You smile, tight lipped. “Jaemin told me you saved me.”

Mark looks like he’s about to say something but then his mouth closes and he shakes his head. “Y/n, you- you’re a vampire now. I can’t.” Mark doesn’t look you in the eye when he says it and you scoff, rolling your eyes. “I’m sorry.” “I’m sorry.” You mock, shaking your head. “No you’re not. If you were sorry, you would fucking look me in the eyes.” He doesn’t. “You know it’s your fault I’m like this, right?” That gets him to look up at you. There’s fire in his eyes this time. “No, it’s your fault for whoring around with vampires.” You shake your head. “Who made me go to church that night?” He looks away and doesn’t answer the question. “Good bye, Mark.”